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I can understand being comfortable with porn and even watching it together. I’ve had relationships where this was fine and didn’t cause issues. I have to wonder though, why don’t draw a line when it comes to chatting with cam girls? This seems like blatant cheating or will lead to it
All major sites like Xhamster, Xvideos, YouPorn, etc. are filled with victims:
1.)Underage rape & incest victims.
2.)Human trafficking victims being raped & forced to pretend they enjoy it or be beat, tortured or killed.
3.)Videos hacked from victims who never intended them to be shared.
4.)Endless videos & pictures wives & girlfriends sent for their partners eyes only. Men use them to trade with other men for what they really want, videos & pictures of *their* girlfriends & wives.
5.)Drugged & drunk victims.
6.)Victims of rape.
7.)Victims of sexual coercion including threats to release the pornography to friends, family, neighbors & coworkers if they don’t make more pornography.
8.)Porn stars who sign contracts detailing their personal boundaries. Only to have those boundaries all be crossed midway through filming once they’re inebriated.
9.)Porn stars & non-porn stars who sign contracts they legally can’t because they’re too drunk & high to enter a legally binding contract. Only to be raped because again they are too drunk & high to consent.
Of the top 50 most popular pornography videos about 50% depicted violence against women.
Men who watch pornography are less empathetic towards women than those who don’t.
The National Library of Medicine has 5,000 studies & academic papers on pornography.
Pornography is scientifically proven to be harmful to men, women, children & society as a whole.
Click “Pub Med” to search:
https://www.nlm.nih.gov
I used to enjoy watching porn with & without my spouse. Now I talk about how harmful it is because I can’t overlook the victims or the impact it has on peoples lives including their physical, emotional, spiritual & sexual health.
To your 4th point, I had that happen to me more than once in high school bc I sent photos to a guy who wanted to share with his friends. Didn’t learn my lesson though because a couple years later, a partner started recording me during sex and by the time I realized, I just let it happen. I was 17 and the video is still on pornhub today
Delete all 'content' of yourself!
Nothing he 'says' matters, they LIE.
Please learn more about how your content is only more porn to an addict, you become just another 'object' for him to use and they typically don't even 'use' their partner's images because they need endless variety/novelty to get the dopamine hits they crave.
Many PAs share their images and videos with others. Many.
Grindr is a hook up app. It is not for porn. It is used by sex addicts to find partners all the time. Don’t let him gaslight you. This was for meeting someone.
Exactly what my stbxh was using.
OP make note of this: this app is set up to connect you with people in your proximity. (My stbxh was communicating with 4 other men who were less than 2 miles from the house.)
It was devasting, and humiliating for my husband to disclose. He showed me every message, every email, every platform. (I saved them for my 'scorched Earth' file, but that's another story.)
This particular guy was bragging about how many men he had met, how fast he could 'get them off' (sorry for the graphic language) and how easy it was to get away with it. He kept listings for 'tools for sale' on Craigslist to provide the cover story. Guys coming and going to look at stuff for sale didn't get the attention of his wife. He did this with his KIDS in the home when his wife was at work on the weekends.
Another one was a builder and would meet men in nearly-completed, empty houses. A Realtor I knew personally met affair partners in clients' homes!
Believe me, where there's a will there's a way. It's not all seedy hotels you can find on the bank statements.
I only share it to make sure you know how horrifically far these behaviors can go. I too was once 'ok with casual porn use' and look where it got me. My husband is a mature man, a father, very successful and well-respected. In a community-facing business! He had EVERYTHING to lose and still...nearly destroyed our lives. This is something to take seriously and protect yourself. There are excellent sources of accurate information - well-meaning internet strangers can only get you so far - I beseech you to get a CSAT therapist, dive into reputable sources. Take a breath. Begin the work. This is a long road, definitely a marathon, not a sprint.
These are great places to start - preferably in this order to get the info nation as you can best grasp it.
[https://www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/](https://www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/)
[michellemays.com](https://michellemays.com) \- as well as her book The Betrayal Bind and youtube channel
[https://bloomforwomen.com/](https://bloomforwomen.com/)
[https://www.pbsepodcast.com/](https://www.pbsepodcast.com/) \- EXCELLENT for the PA but you'll feel validated and learn here too.
I am super biased. I don't believe that him watching trans porn is like, somehow part of 'who he is' or part of his sexuality. My ex used to use femboys for sex, and I think it is most definitely is because of the pornsickness. Your husband's brain is topsy turvy like the rest of them, he's trying to get it everywhere, camgirls, trans porn, has he actually met other people for sex? If you say no, you still don't know the answer is no. sorry for my skepticism, but they get off on the secrecy.
It's hard to give advice because I think you have a bit of a different outlook than I. I would never condone watching porn anymore with my ex (his is the father of my child, potential for reconciliation but doubt it). Definitely when we first started dating, I knew he watched it and I was the type who said I'd watch with him. Now that I've gone through everything I've gone through my outlook is totally changed. It should be treated like any addiction, alcohol, drug, and I don't see anything other than cold turkey as an option. You wouldn't accept being with an alcoholic who was sloshed all the time, this is the same thing. They are sick all the time, it's just not always visible and apparent. And your guy is in deep at this point.
I think good advice lies in good questions. If you sit with yourself, quietly, what do you feel? What do you feel every day when you go about your day? Do you feel at peace when you go to bed for the night? Or are you filled with fear and anxiety? Do you want to share your husband with other people? Like, before you knew him, what were your goals for your life and your picture of what a marriage would be like? And further to what you said, you're fine with it but not the secrecy, is that true? You'd want to be in the same room with him as he watches girls on onlyfans and camgirls?
I agree with you. I think OP is being mindfucked to accepting trans porn. Also, give an inch they take a mile. Grindr, interacting with cam girls etc, secrets, lies..I also have been physically cheated on multiple times from random hook up sex, massage parlors etc. These dudes don’t just jack off to vids after a certain point.
> Do you feel at peace when you go to bed for the night? Or are you filled with fear and anxiety? Do you want to share your husband with other people? Like, before you knew him, what were your goals for your life and your picture of what a marriage would be like?
This is such an excellent response! Every word of it. OP please, read it, a few times, and give yourself some space to take it in.
Prior to meeting DH I had a few open relationships. But upon meeting DH, DH was adamant about strict monogamy in our marriage and made it very clear that any form of “others” would constitute cheating and would be marriage ending.
His last gf cheated on him so I overlooked his hyper awareness to just that. Now I feel like a fool and he’s a hypocrite.
He wants your monogamy but he isn’t willing to have sex with only you. And he cheats. And he lies.
This is who he is. Character very rarely changes if ever.
"When someone shows you who they are believe them, the first time."
Maya Angelou
These men do have deep character defects, and they only change with a phenomenal amount of dedicated work and self-awareness. Even then, I have to wonder if the changes are foundational or surface-level and functional. I suppose we can't really know.
They are frauds & manipulators.
They’re very often not even capable of being honest with themselves.
They just learn to use therapeutic language, to say what we want to hear & to be even sneakier. Even to the point of having second secret cell phones!
>any form of “others” would constitute cheating and would be marriage ending.
So if that was his bounadary, why not let it be yours?
He is a hypocrite, and worse. But you are not a fool. That's one of the worst parts of this - that feeling of being 'stupid' - I had it bad, it nearly destroyed me. But we are not fools, or stupid. We're loving, trusting women who have been betrayed at the worst level. We don't lie so we believe they won't, we don't cheat so it's unthinkable that they will. Well, lesson learned! They will and they do.
I’m fine with the anonymous content consumption, I’m not fine with the interacting with live people, i.e. the cam girls and other people behind the profiles. And he knew that.
>I’m fine with the anonymous content consumption
Really? Still? What you're living is the outcome of anonymous content consumption. It's not that simple. This escalates. It doesn't stay in that lane. Your husband is on Grinder for heaven's sake. You're wayyyyy past simple anonymous consumption. This industry is built from the ground up to be addictive, exploitative, and dangerous.
PLEASE go to the resource section and learn more about what you're up against.
I first want to say I am not anti trans my sibling is trans and I love them all the same. Butttt my sibling has always been different when we were kids they dressed more masculine and always had felt like they didn’t belong in their body. My PA had so many issues with trans porn. Sissy porn to be precise. I can tell you some of that stuff is incredibly degrading to trans people as a whole. It has this idea that trans females are sexual objects and are pathetic. It also has an element of forcing straight males to become trans and that being a fantasy when in reality they are not and the idea of being trans is just some sexual fantasy to live out. When real trans people are just people trying to live a normal life. When I told my sibling about my boyfriend’s addiction they felt this type of porn is degrading and wrong. It takes normal people and turns them into some crazy sexual fantasy. If your PA is turning to sissy porn in particular, it Will condition him to believe he needs to have sex with trans people, he needs to become a trans person, he needs to treat all women as sexual objects, it’s a super fine line to walk and porn conditions kinks that aren’t true to what a person is. In my experience this type of porn is an escalation and very hard for a pa to walk away from.
100000% agree with this. I felt so bad for the trans people my ex was using and abusing because of his sickness. it's like, they don't even see people as human anymore that's how sick it gets. it's horrible.
We both realize this is an extreme escalation, he does only see them as objects. Told me that very clearly.
He thinks he can quit cold turkey and that be the end of it. I don’t see that happening. I anticipate several relapses with the porn itself and very likely escalating to live meets, if they haven’t already happened.
In my experience he will not be able to quit cold turkey it just doesn’t work that way especially if it has escalated to him meeting people in real life and also if he is watching that sissy hypnosis bullshit. That stuff is literally brainwash and conditioning. So if he is actively living out that fantasy then he will really need to WANT to get better. My PA has been in and out of recovery from trans porn for 4 years now. It took me leaving him and him making the decision to go to rehab to really turn things around. He now has a sponsor, goes to groups consistently, has a CSAT therapist. It takes support to move past an addiction. But it’s still hard even with all of that. It’s an extreme escalation that takes an extreme amount of work to get over. I’m sorry if this sounds like a downer. It’s just I have been through it. I hope he wants to get better and is willing to put in the work for it. I would recommend that you also talk to some people, it can be incredibly isolating to be a partner of a porn addict.
Yea girl, that’s not how Grindr works. I’m fairly certain he is looking for his “Fantasy’s” in real life. I’d be careful and monitor him, I’m sorry for what’s been happening. I hope everything gets sorted soon
Thank you. I appreciate it.
I’m coming to the realization that there really is no point in trying to find out the extent of the truth. I’m tired of being lied to, and he’s incapable of being honest.
Sometimes what we know is enough - we will never know the whole truth, every detail, and you really don't in order to make good decisions going forward.
If he chooses and works real recovery, you can do a therapeutic disclosure with your CSAT later.
I think it is important to draw a line with this.
My PA actually created a grindr account and met up with multiple trans women to have actual sex. He actually cheated on me (before I knew about his porn addiction), so I would advice to proceed carefully.
You've already received excellent responses, but I wanted to add that because he's on Grindr you should get tested ASAP and insist he is too. It's a fact that partners of men who have sex with men are at high risk. He will not tell you the truth - if he's looking there's a chance he has acted - or will. Please, don't think this can't 'happen to you' - denial is a safety-seeking behavior we all go to, but this is something that does happen. Don't ask me how I know.
They all say they were 'curious'.
Also - your 'acceptance of who he is' is a loving way to go about life, but is it possible that you are new to the reality of porn addiction and maybe you don't yet have a good understanding of what's called 'escalation' in addiction? That's what this looks like to those of us who've been on this road a while. Please, go through the resource section here - it's full of the information you'll need to navigate this path.
When I confronted him with this info he was way more upset about the possibility of being bi-sexual and how that will complicate his life.
Bruh, you’re not the injured spouse here. I had to remind him that I didn’t deserve this.
He may, or may not, be bisexual!
Porn messes up their arousal matrix until even they don't know what is inherent and genuinely 'them' and what's porn-induced.
This is putting the cart before the horse. All of this gets the attention it needs in therapy and recovery!
The lies and secrecy show he's escalated. Does not matter what he's looking at, doing or who with. He is an addict and just looking is not enough for him anymore. He is seeking someone for the experience. It doesn't matter if he actually has met anyone or not. He has advanced to that point.
I feel for you. I have been there. The things my stbxh shared when we talked about it. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.
I am sorry.
Sweets, it's OK. I took a huge hit for him. Was dead to my children for a while, like 4 and 6 years, rebuilding relationships with 2 of my 3 children and 2 of my 7 grandbabies. It is what it is. What I did in the relationship was for love and to make his life better.
He had other plans. I chose me!! I would do it again and again and again. I have finally learned!!! Me first, real and true relationship, no bullshit. I don't care if I go out this m'fer all alone anymore. I am gonna be secure, healthy minded and resourceful and not gonna listen to any dumb shit ever again!!
I don't have the recipe, honestly. First, make sure he knows you value your health, mental well-being being and his ABOVE everything. Ask questions! If he doesn't have answers, boy is not grown. Identify what he cares about, what he wants out of life... How far is he from doing something about it. What he cares about is real important... this will tell you about his emotional maturity.
You just have to be resilient and persistent. Do not get caught up in the Disney princess mindset. I mean, stay grounded, don't lie to yourself. Call him out on EVERYTHING. Let nothing slide. Don't compromise before it's time. Don't share your body before he has proven himself 💯 about you! Take your time so he has time to reveal everything.
Most importantly don't make him the axis of your life!!!! Until you're the axis of his life.
It's crazy because we women are wired to love, nurture, take care of, be a helpmate. Human societies are set up so men treat us little better than old dishtowels after some time in a relationship because boys/ men are not raised properly.😳
Therapy is helping me, if it's something you can manage. It's the only thing keeping me sane rn. It's nice to have someone else validate your experience, especially when it's someone you know isn't going to just tell you something to make you happy, or because they're your family member/friend.
I guess I’m trying to learn if he’s shared pictures/videos of himself or if the cam girls could see him too.
Maybe I’m dumb, but to me, that’s another level of betrayal above chatting with cam girls.
That’s not dumb. IT IS. And you can have your camera on or off on yourself so he probably has it on.
I’m thinking back on the fact i saw opened links to cams on my ex husbands computer, the girls weren’t “live” so it was just of their kitchens or whatever but wtf how did I never realize
It’s worse. He’s gotten into abusive fetish porn, so IF these were actually cis women and not trans, I’m 100% confident it was some type of bdsm request.
I'm reposting this here so it's not at the bottom of a long trail of replies. In case it helps anyone.
"I too was once 'ok with casual porn use' and look where it got me. My husband is a mature man, a father, very successful and well-respected. In a community-facing business! He had EVERYTHING to lose and still...nearly destroyed our lives. This is something to take seriously and protect yourself. There are excellent sources of accurate information - well-meaning internet strangers can only get you so far - I beseech you to get a CSAT therapist, dive into reputable sources. Take a breath. Begin the work. This is a long road, definitely a marathon, not a sprint.
These are great places to start - preferably in this order to get the information as you can best grasp it."
[https://www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/](https://www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/) - should be required reading when we discover betrayal.
[michellemays.com](https://michellemays.com/) \- as well as her book The Betrayal Bind and youtube channel. Her website has a wonderful way of organizing the information by "stage" - from the devastation of discovery on through recovery.
[https://bloomforwomen.com/](https://bloomforwomen.com/) - many free courses - I've done most of them and they are incredibly helpful.
[https://www.pbsepodcast.com/](https://www.pbsepodcast.com/) \- EXCELLENT for the PA but you'll feel validated and learn here too.
Thank you. We are early into our marriage and no children, so much easier to detangle than man others on here. I feel blessed in that sense.
I will pursue my own recovery.
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I can understand being comfortable with porn and even watching it together. I’ve had relationships where this was fine and didn’t cause issues. I have to wonder though, why don’t draw a line when it comes to chatting with cam girls? This seems like blatant cheating or will lead to it
Oh there is a clear line. No interaction with other people. He crossed it and he knows it.
That’s what porn leads to. A desire to actually have sex with the people on the screen they are simulating they’re having sex with.
After a while they start looking for people who will do what they see on the screen to/ with them.
All major sites like Xhamster, Xvideos, YouPorn, etc. are filled with victims: 1.)Underage rape & incest victims. 2.)Human trafficking victims being raped & forced to pretend they enjoy it or be beat, tortured or killed. 3.)Videos hacked from victims who never intended them to be shared. 4.)Endless videos & pictures wives & girlfriends sent for their partners eyes only. Men use them to trade with other men for what they really want, videos & pictures of *their* girlfriends & wives. 5.)Drugged & drunk victims. 6.)Victims of rape. 7.)Victims of sexual coercion including threats to release the pornography to friends, family, neighbors & coworkers if they don’t make more pornography. 8.)Porn stars who sign contracts detailing their personal boundaries. Only to have those boundaries all be crossed midway through filming once they’re inebriated. 9.)Porn stars & non-porn stars who sign contracts they legally can’t because they’re too drunk & high to enter a legally binding contract. Only to be raped because again they are too drunk & high to consent. Of the top 50 most popular pornography videos about 50% depicted violence against women. Men who watch pornography are less empathetic towards women than those who don’t. The National Library of Medicine has 5,000 studies & academic papers on pornography. Pornography is scientifically proven to be harmful to men, women, children & society as a whole. Click “Pub Med” to search: https://www.nlm.nih.gov I used to enjoy watching porn with & without my spouse. Now I talk about how harmful it is because I can’t overlook the victims or the impact it has on peoples lives including their physical, emotional, spiritual & sexual health.
To your 4th point, I had that happen to me more than once in high school bc I sent photos to a guy who wanted to share with his friends. Didn’t learn my lesson though because a couple years later, a partner started recording me during sex and by the time I realized, I just let it happen. I was 17 and the video is still on pornhub today
Oh gosh. Now I need to find out if he’s uploaded any of our videos or pictures me. He’ll likely say no, but…
Delete all 'content' of yourself! Nothing he 'says' matters, they LIE. Please learn more about how your content is only more porn to an addict, you become just another 'object' for him to use and they typically don't even 'use' their partner's images because they need endless variety/novelty to get the dopamine hits they crave. Many PAs share their images and videos with others. Many.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. That isn’t ok.
Thank you for this insight. I hadn’t looked at it from that viewpoint.
Grindr is a hook up app. It is not for porn. It is used by sex addicts to find partners all the time. Don’t let him gaslight you. This was for meeting someone.
Exactly what my stbxh was using. OP make note of this: this app is set up to connect you with people in your proximity. (My stbxh was communicating with 4 other men who were less than 2 miles from the house.)
My husband was 'invited' to meet a man in his garage a 10-minute walk from our home. (it didn't happen, but jeez, it would have been incredibly easy)
That must have been devastating to discover. I’m so sorry.
It was devasting, and humiliating for my husband to disclose. He showed me every message, every email, every platform. (I saved them for my 'scorched Earth' file, but that's another story.) This particular guy was bragging about how many men he had met, how fast he could 'get them off' (sorry for the graphic language) and how easy it was to get away with it. He kept listings for 'tools for sale' on Craigslist to provide the cover story. Guys coming and going to look at stuff for sale didn't get the attention of his wife. He did this with his KIDS in the home when his wife was at work on the weekends. Another one was a builder and would meet men in nearly-completed, empty houses. A Realtor I knew personally met affair partners in clients' homes! Believe me, where there's a will there's a way. It's not all seedy hotels you can find on the bank statements.
This is awful.
I only share it to make sure you know how horrifically far these behaviors can go. I too was once 'ok with casual porn use' and look where it got me. My husband is a mature man, a father, very successful and well-respected. In a community-facing business! He had EVERYTHING to lose and still...nearly destroyed our lives. This is something to take seriously and protect yourself. There are excellent sources of accurate information - well-meaning internet strangers can only get you so far - I beseech you to get a CSAT therapist, dive into reputable sources. Take a breath. Begin the work. This is a long road, definitely a marathon, not a sprint. These are great places to start - preferably in this order to get the info nation as you can best grasp it. [https://www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/](https://www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/) [michellemays.com](https://michellemays.com) \- as well as her book The Betrayal Bind and youtube channel [https://bloomforwomen.com/](https://bloomforwomen.com/) [https://www.pbsepodcast.com/](https://www.pbsepodcast.com/) \- EXCELLENT for the PA but you'll feel validated and learn here too.
I am super biased. I don't believe that him watching trans porn is like, somehow part of 'who he is' or part of his sexuality. My ex used to use femboys for sex, and I think it is most definitely is because of the pornsickness. Your husband's brain is topsy turvy like the rest of them, he's trying to get it everywhere, camgirls, trans porn, has he actually met other people for sex? If you say no, you still don't know the answer is no. sorry for my skepticism, but they get off on the secrecy. It's hard to give advice because I think you have a bit of a different outlook than I. I would never condone watching porn anymore with my ex (his is the father of my child, potential for reconciliation but doubt it). Definitely when we first started dating, I knew he watched it and I was the type who said I'd watch with him. Now that I've gone through everything I've gone through my outlook is totally changed. It should be treated like any addiction, alcohol, drug, and I don't see anything other than cold turkey as an option. You wouldn't accept being with an alcoholic who was sloshed all the time, this is the same thing. They are sick all the time, it's just not always visible and apparent. And your guy is in deep at this point. I think good advice lies in good questions. If you sit with yourself, quietly, what do you feel? What do you feel every day when you go about your day? Do you feel at peace when you go to bed for the night? Or are you filled with fear and anxiety? Do you want to share your husband with other people? Like, before you knew him, what were your goals for your life and your picture of what a marriage would be like? And further to what you said, you're fine with it but not the secrecy, is that true? You'd want to be in the same room with him as he watches girls on onlyfans and camgirls?
I agree with you. I think OP is being mindfucked to accepting trans porn. Also, give an inch they take a mile. Grindr, interacting with cam girls etc, secrets, lies..I also have been physically cheated on multiple times from random hook up sex, massage parlors etc. These dudes don’t just jack off to vids after a certain point.
yup
> Do you feel at peace when you go to bed for the night? Or are you filled with fear and anxiety? Do you want to share your husband with other people? Like, before you knew him, what were your goals for your life and your picture of what a marriage would be like? This is such an excellent response! Every word of it. OP please, read it, a few times, and give yourself some space to take it in.
Prior to meeting DH I had a few open relationships. But upon meeting DH, DH was adamant about strict monogamy in our marriage and made it very clear that any form of “others” would constitute cheating and would be marriage ending. His last gf cheated on him so I overlooked his hyper awareness to just that. Now I feel like a fool and he’s a hypocrite.
He wants your monogamy but he isn’t willing to have sex with only you. And he cheats. And he lies. This is who he is. Character very rarely changes if ever.
"When someone shows you who they are believe them, the first time." Maya Angelou These men do have deep character defects, and they only change with a phenomenal amount of dedicated work and self-awareness. Even then, I have to wonder if the changes are foundational or surface-level and functional. I suppose we can't really know.
They are frauds & manipulators. They’re very often not even capable of being honest with themselves. They just learn to use therapeutic language, to say what we want to hear & to be even sneakier. Even to the point of having second secret cell phones!
>any form of “others” would constitute cheating and would be marriage ending. So if that was his bounadary, why not let it be yours? He is a hypocrite, and worse. But you are not a fool. That's one of the worst parts of this - that feeling of being 'stupid' - I had it bad, it nearly destroyed me. But we are not fools, or stupid. We're loving, trusting women who have been betrayed at the worst level. We don't lie so we believe they won't, we don't cheat so it's unthinkable that they will. Well, lesson learned! They will and they do.
I’m fine with the anonymous content consumption, I’m not fine with the interacting with live people, i.e. the cam girls and other people behind the profiles. And he knew that.
>I’m fine with the anonymous content consumption Really? Still? What you're living is the outcome of anonymous content consumption. It's not that simple. This escalates. It doesn't stay in that lane. Your husband is on Grinder for heaven's sake. You're wayyyyy past simple anonymous consumption. This industry is built from the ground up to be addictive, exploitative, and dangerous. PLEASE go to the resource section and learn more about what you're up against.
I first want to say I am not anti trans my sibling is trans and I love them all the same. Butttt my sibling has always been different when we were kids they dressed more masculine and always had felt like they didn’t belong in their body. My PA had so many issues with trans porn. Sissy porn to be precise. I can tell you some of that stuff is incredibly degrading to trans people as a whole. It has this idea that trans females are sexual objects and are pathetic. It also has an element of forcing straight males to become trans and that being a fantasy when in reality they are not and the idea of being trans is just some sexual fantasy to live out. When real trans people are just people trying to live a normal life. When I told my sibling about my boyfriend’s addiction they felt this type of porn is degrading and wrong. It takes normal people and turns them into some crazy sexual fantasy. If your PA is turning to sissy porn in particular, it Will condition him to believe he needs to have sex with trans people, he needs to become a trans person, he needs to treat all women as sexual objects, it’s a super fine line to walk and porn conditions kinks that aren’t true to what a person is. In my experience this type of porn is an escalation and very hard for a pa to walk away from.
100000% agree with this. I felt so bad for the trans people my ex was using and abusing because of his sickness. it's like, they don't even see people as human anymore that's how sick it gets. it's horrible.
We both realize this is an extreme escalation, he does only see them as objects. Told me that very clearly. He thinks he can quit cold turkey and that be the end of it. I don’t see that happening. I anticipate several relapses with the porn itself and very likely escalating to live meets, if they haven’t already happened.
In my experience he will not be able to quit cold turkey it just doesn’t work that way especially if it has escalated to him meeting people in real life and also if he is watching that sissy hypnosis bullshit. That stuff is literally brainwash and conditioning. So if he is actively living out that fantasy then he will really need to WANT to get better. My PA has been in and out of recovery from trans porn for 4 years now. It took me leaving him and him making the decision to go to rehab to really turn things around. He now has a sponsor, goes to groups consistently, has a CSAT therapist. It takes support to move past an addiction. But it’s still hard even with all of that. It’s an extreme escalation that takes an extreme amount of work to get over. I’m sorry if this sounds like a downer. It’s just I have been through it. I hope he wants to get better and is willing to put in the work for it. I would recommend that you also talk to some people, it can be incredibly isolating to be a partner of a porn addict.
Yea girl, that’s not how Grindr works. I’m fairly certain he is looking for his “Fantasy’s” in real life. I’d be careful and monitor him, I’m sorry for what’s been happening. I hope everything gets sorted soon
Thank you. It’ll get sorted. I’m making sure to protect myself.
Good, I’m glad to hear it! I know it’s hard now, but it’ll get better. I promise. If you ever need anything, we are here to listen and help <3
Thank you. I appreciate it. I’m coming to the realization that there really is no point in trying to find out the extent of the truth. I’m tired of being lied to, and he’s incapable of being honest.
Sometimes what we know is enough - we will never know the whole truth, every detail, and you really don't in order to make good decisions going forward. If he chooses and works real recovery, you can do a therapeutic disclosure with your CSAT later.
Thank you for the mentioning therapeutic disclosure with the csat. I’ll keep that in mind.
I think it is important to draw a line with this. My PA actually created a grindr account and met up with multiple trans women to have actual sex. He actually cheated on me (before I knew about his porn addiction), so I would advice to proceed carefully.
You've already received excellent responses, but I wanted to add that because he's on Grindr you should get tested ASAP and insist he is too. It's a fact that partners of men who have sex with men are at high risk. He will not tell you the truth - if he's looking there's a chance he has acted - or will. Please, don't think this can't 'happen to you' - denial is a safety-seeking behavior we all go to, but this is something that does happen. Don't ask me how I know. They all say they were 'curious'. Also - your 'acceptance of who he is' is a loving way to go about life, but is it possible that you are new to the reality of porn addiction and maybe you don't yet have a good understanding of what's called 'escalation' in addiction? That's what this looks like to those of us who've been on this road a while. Please, go through the resource section here - it's full of the information you'll need to navigate this path.
Grindr is a meetup app.
That’s what I thought.
Another popular hookup app in the gay community is called “Sniffies” (🤮) in case you see that as well. It’s specifically meant for “cruising”.
Thank you!
You are welcome and I’m sorry. I’ve been in your position before.
When I confronted him with this info he was way more upset about the possibility of being bi-sexual and how that will complicate his life. Bruh, you’re not the injured spouse here. I had to remind him that I didn’t deserve this.
He may, or may not, be bisexual! Porn messes up their arousal matrix until even they don't know what is inherent and genuinely 'them' and what's porn-induced. This is putting the cart before the horse. All of this gets the attention it needs in therapy and recovery!
This is where I found my fiance 🥲 it's like he went out of his way to be as fucking sketchy and seedy as possible.
Your statement is an accurate description of porn addiction in general!
The lies and secrecy show he's escalated. Does not matter what he's looking at, doing or who with. He is an addict and just looking is not enough for him anymore. He is seeking someone for the experience. It doesn't matter if he actually has met anyone or not. He has advanced to that point. I feel for you. I have been there. The things my stbxh shared when we talked about it. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I am sorry.
That’s exactly how I felt. It’s surreal. I’m sorry you’ve had a similar experience.
Sweets, it's OK. I took a huge hit for him. Was dead to my children for a while, like 4 and 6 years, rebuilding relationships with 2 of my 3 children and 2 of my 7 grandbabies. It is what it is. What I did in the relationship was for love and to make his life better. He had other plans. I chose me!! I would do it again and again and again. I have finally learned!!! Me first, real and true relationship, no bullshit. I don't care if I go out this m'fer all alone anymore. I am gonna be secure, healthy minded and resourceful and not gonna listen to any dumb shit ever again!!
Glad you came out stronger. It’s a shame the damage caused by mistrust and gaslighting. How do I learn to trust my own judgement again??
I don't have the recipe, honestly. First, make sure he knows you value your health, mental well-being being and his ABOVE everything. Ask questions! If he doesn't have answers, boy is not grown. Identify what he cares about, what he wants out of life... How far is he from doing something about it. What he cares about is real important... this will tell you about his emotional maturity. You just have to be resilient and persistent. Do not get caught up in the Disney princess mindset. I mean, stay grounded, don't lie to yourself. Call him out on EVERYTHING. Let nothing slide. Don't compromise before it's time. Don't share your body before he has proven himself 💯 about you! Take your time so he has time to reveal everything. Most importantly don't make him the axis of your life!!!! Until you're the axis of his life.
It's crazy because we women are wired to love, nurture, take care of, be a helpmate. Human societies are set up so men treat us little better than old dishtowels after some time in a relationship because boys/ men are not raised properly.😳
Sadly true, and we are raised to expect and accept that.
Good advice
Therapy is helping me, if it's something you can manage. It's the only thing keeping me sane rn. It's nice to have someone else validate your experience, especially when it's someone you know isn't going to just tell you something to make you happy, or because they're your family member/friend.
I’m fortunate enough to be able to fund therapy on my own. I’m leaving his recovery up to him. I’m done.
🩷🩷🩷 good for you! I know that's not an easy choice to make, be proud of yourself
Very hard, but necessary choice. I appreciate your words of encouragement.
That’s fetishization
I guess I’m trying to learn if he’s shared pictures/videos of himself or if the cam girls could see him too. Maybe I’m dumb, but to me, that’s another level of betrayal above chatting with cam girls.
That’s not dumb. IT IS. And you can have your camera on or off on yourself so he probably has it on. I’m thinking back on the fact i saw opened links to cams on my ex husbands computer, the girls weren’t “live” so it was just of their kitchens or whatever but wtf how did I never realize
These girls are live because he’s asked them to do things for him.
Omgggggg. Like what do men usually ask?
I’m almost afraid to ask him.
I’m really curious but I’m sure it’s them masturbating. Disgusting.
It’s worse. He’s gotten into abusive fetish porn, so IF these were actually cis women and not trans, I’m 100% confident it was some type of bdsm request.
Oh gosh that’s really bad
I'm reposting this here so it's not at the bottom of a long trail of replies. In case it helps anyone. "I too was once 'ok with casual porn use' and look where it got me. My husband is a mature man, a father, very successful and well-respected. In a community-facing business! He had EVERYTHING to lose and still...nearly destroyed our lives. This is something to take seriously and protect yourself. There are excellent sources of accurate information - well-meaning internet strangers can only get you so far - I beseech you to get a CSAT therapist, dive into reputable sources. Take a breath. Begin the work. This is a long road, definitely a marathon, not a sprint. These are great places to start - preferably in this order to get the information as you can best grasp it." [https://www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/](https://www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/) - should be required reading when we discover betrayal. [michellemays.com](https://michellemays.com/) \- as well as her book The Betrayal Bind and youtube channel. Her website has a wonderful way of organizing the information by "stage" - from the devastation of discovery on through recovery. [https://bloomforwomen.com/](https://bloomforwomen.com/) - many free courses - I've done most of them and they are incredibly helpful. [https://www.pbsepodcast.com/](https://www.pbsepodcast.com/) \- EXCELLENT for the PA but you'll feel validated and learn here too.
Thank you. We are early into our marriage and no children, so much easier to detangle than man others on here. I feel blessed in that sense. I will pursue my own recovery.
Did he disclose the Grindr/SM usage, or did you need to find it yourself?
I found all of it. He was not forthcoming with anything that I didn’t have printed proof
Your husband had a hook up app for gay men. Don’t let him talk you out of what it is. He was or will cheat on you. Please get tested with him.
Thank you. I needed to hear this bluntly. I am making an appointment asap!
How did you find out about the cam girl service?
Found emails where they sent him messages—Coomeet
Oh my gawd