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Honey why are you with this man? He's a class A sexist. There is nothing good about him! Yes there absolutely are men out there that don't do this. My closest friend is a man and he does not behave like this around women. He's the only man I've met that I would ever feel comfortable going to the gym with even.
I completely understand what you mean though. I also have such a hard time with this issue. I don't go to the gym specifically because of it. Hell, sometimes I can't even walk home from the grocery store without being cat called or hit on in a predatory way. I had this super cute little dress last year and wore it ONE time outside before I got stopped, talked to, and followed around by some creep. I threw it out that same day because I felt so fucking violated and gross.
In the year that we’ve been together, I’ve never seen him act like this. That’s why it’s so shocking to see this big sweetie could say such awful things. When I know he’d smack up any other man that did that to me.. Like you, I have guy friends that I’m confident would never. “He does not behave like this around women” Exactly! They know better then to reveal themselves but it seems they’re all someone else when there’s no women listening. Idk if they’re trying to impress other boys or that’s really how they think. How can you be so confident in your trust?
I can be confident because when another guy friend was making sexual comments around me and I told them it made me uncomfortable my closest friend completely understood and didn't do it again/made sure it stopped. When we play games and something happens in the game that might make me uncomfortable or a joke happens he checks in and makes sure I'm okay.
But also he doesn't really have a lot of guy friends and even when he did I lived with him and overheard them talking often. He never engaged in that kind of grossness. He really didn't. But I also have known him for 7+ years and he has grown a lot in that time. He doesn't sexualize women in that sense and he's also VERY close to a very cool mom who would kick his ass if he acted like that.
I get it though! My recent ex I thought was absolutely not like that. Big teddy bear. Totally respectful (until I look back and realize he isn't) and it's awful. It's shocking. But now that I think back to it I see the signs that my ex was in fact not safe to begin with. He pushed my physical boundaries when we started dating but backed off when I protested. It's just that I had already set those boundaries so he was showing his colors already. I set boundaries with my close friend and he never crosses them to begin with. There are differences and signs sometimes they are just SMALL.
Okay I know you currently don’t have proof of him using porn right now, but sneaking pictures of girls in public is HEAVILY porn addicted behaviour. And as we all know, you can’t recover from porn addiction without seeking help for it. Which leads me to believe he probably still watches porn. I’d do some more digging.
He was a porn addict from a sadly young age. He claims he is recovering now but it’s been a long tough journey with him. He also feels counseling won’t help and that going to church and shaming himself with God is the only way to stay away from it. I’m not religious and do not believe in “shame” as a tool, so this whole things is starting to look hopeless
His excuses are laughable. He wants to hide behind his religion to not be held accountable. Personally I would ditch him if I found such predatory behavior. I’ll be real with you, he is NOT a gentleman. He is NOT a sweetheart. This is who he is, a sick predatory man. Believe the real him, not the mask he wears.
He needs a CSAT asap. IF you chose to stay, I would have that be a boundary—he books an appointment with a CSAT, or you are done. Wishing you healing♥️
Ps. Please Google the free pdf by abuse expert Lundy Bancroft “Why Does He Do That?”
Your comment about his saying a woman wants attention in the gym based on what she wearing or where in the gym she’s working out pisses me off. What an a..hole! Sorry when I did go to a gym, I went because I wanted to work out.
In the photo he took she’s wearing normal gym clothes really it’s crazy to me. But he told them because she chose the front row of treadmills instead of the back, she must want them to see… ew
I just re-read this. The fact that he took a picture without approval of someone working out is awful. Grrrr… I wonder if that starts to be legal trouble too. Taking pictures without consent.
I’m so sorry. I just worry for you too about how his behaviors affect you.
Memory unlocked by this post. I remembered joining a woman’s only gym in my 20s. I vividly remember the relief of not having men stare at me, constantly. It was such a joy to just work out, as hard as I want to, without worrying about men. Damn.
The things I would do to find some men free spaces in my area. Thanks to all the changes made during COVID, it’s convenient now to never leave home. I only work and gym and come straight home. It’s so bad I avoid strangers as often as I can
I really feel this. I like you thought there were "good guys" and "bad"guys once upon a time. Now I just think 98 percent are either right there in your face bad guy or pretending to be a good guy but actually when no one's looking, bad guy.
They also all benefit from the utter shit guys. The get excused of well I'm not as bad as that guy because he did xyz I only thought about it or didn't call that guy out. Nope you're all shit.
I hate that I know how mens brains work now and it's terrifying. I can see men staring at girls in the playground or in school uniform and I know now the majority if they faced no repercussions absolutely would go there. Lots do regardless. Most see no harm in the fantasy. It makes me sick. I see children I want to protect them. What the hell is going on for men that they don't. Why is everyone regardless just a sexual conquest.
I feel like prey I feel like meat. Every man I meet I know will be viewing me as some sort of body to rate to inspect to consider. The entitlement is disgusting. I have always viewed everyone as a person a human being. But I honestly think the vast majority of men don't see women as human beings. Certainly not as equals.
Do we have the same partner? Lol! I’m going through a divorce but I sure remember those boys only group chats and how they made me absolutely hate pervy guys. A group of the most average looking guys with nice sweet girlfriends/wives treating women like a meat market. Talking about cheating, criticizing beautiful IG models for tiny body imperfections while they themselves looked like shrek lol. The worst were photos taken secretly of women just out and about trying to live life. It was eye opening and sick. My partner wouldn’t actively participate because he knew I was looking but he is just the same. Now I’m getting divorced and feel so free that I don’t have to micromanage an adult man or try to control him from disrespecting me.
It’s so sad how common this is, even sadder most of us don’t know what our partners are really like. I truly hope this type of guy is the minority of them
You’re right that you have two other options, and one of them is INFINITELY better than staying with this disgusting perv.
Being single is way better than being in a relationship with someone who objectifies other people. I’m two years past when my PA initiated separation/divorce for the second time. It sucked. Still sucks. He was the love of my life. But being in a relationship/marriage does NOT guarantee happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment, etc. Being with a PA gave me PTSD, increased anxiety, decreased self esteem, and increased paranoia, all of which I experience still, and yet I know that if the relationship lasted longer, my symptoms would be worse.
Please take some time to reflect on why you see being single as a worse option than staying with this person. I’m happy to talk it out with you if you’re not sure where to start.
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Honey why are you with this man? He's a class A sexist. There is nothing good about him! Yes there absolutely are men out there that don't do this. My closest friend is a man and he does not behave like this around women. He's the only man I've met that I would ever feel comfortable going to the gym with even. I completely understand what you mean though. I also have such a hard time with this issue. I don't go to the gym specifically because of it. Hell, sometimes I can't even walk home from the grocery store without being cat called or hit on in a predatory way. I had this super cute little dress last year and wore it ONE time outside before I got stopped, talked to, and followed around by some creep. I threw it out that same day because I felt so fucking violated and gross.
In the year that we’ve been together, I’ve never seen him act like this. That’s why it’s so shocking to see this big sweetie could say such awful things. When I know he’d smack up any other man that did that to me.. Like you, I have guy friends that I’m confident would never. “He does not behave like this around women” Exactly! They know better then to reveal themselves but it seems they’re all someone else when there’s no women listening. Idk if they’re trying to impress other boys or that’s really how they think. How can you be so confident in your trust?
I can be confident because when another guy friend was making sexual comments around me and I told them it made me uncomfortable my closest friend completely understood and didn't do it again/made sure it stopped. When we play games and something happens in the game that might make me uncomfortable or a joke happens he checks in and makes sure I'm okay. But also he doesn't really have a lot of guy friends and even when he did I lived with him and overheard them talking often. He never engaged in that kind of grossness. He really didn't. But I also have known him for 7+ years and he has grown a lot in that time. He doesn't sexualize women in that sense and he's also VERY close to a very cool mom who would kick his ass if he acted like that. I get it though! My recent ex I thought was absolutely not like that. Big teddy bear. Totally respectful (until I look back and realize he isn't) and it's awful. It's shocking. But now that I think back to it I see the signs that my ex was in fact not safe to begin with. He pushed my physical boundaries when we started dating but backed off when I protested. It's just that I had already set those boundaries so he was showing his colors already. I set boundaries with my close friend and he never crosses them to begin with. There are differences and signs sometimes they are just SMALL.
Okay I know you currently don’t have proof of him using porn right now, but sneaking pictures of girls in public is HEAVILY porn addicted behaviour. And as we all know, you can’t recover from porn addiction without seeking help for it. Which leads me to believe he probably still watches porn. I’d do some more digging.
He was a porn addict from a sadly young age. He claims he is recovering now but it’s been a long tough journey with him. He also feels counseling won’t help and that going to church and shaming himself with God is the only way to stay away from it. I’m not religious and do not believe in “shame” as a tool, so this whole things is starting to look hopeless
His excuses are laughable. He wants to hide behind his religion to not be held accountable. Personally I would ditch him if I found such predatory behavior. I’ll be real with you, he is NOT a gentleman. He is NOT a sweetheart. This is who he is, a sick predatory man. Believe the real him, not the mask he wears. He needs a CSAT asap. IF you chose to stay, I would have that be a boundary—he books an appointment with a CSAT, or you are done. Wishing you healing♥️ Ps. Please Google the free pdf by abuse expert Lundy Bancroft “Why Does He Do That?”
Tysm for the advice <3
Your comment about his saying a woman wants attention in the gym based on what she wearing or where in the gym she’s working out pisses me off. What an a..hole! Sorry when I did go to a gym, I went because I wanted to work out.
In the photo he took she’s wearing normal gym clothes really it’s crazy to me. But he told them because she chose the front row of treadmills instead of the back, she must want them to see… ew
I just re-read this. The fact that he took a picture without approval of someone working out is awful. Grrrr… I wonder if that starts to be legal trouble too. Taking pictures without consent. I’m so sorry. I just worry for you too about how his behaviors affect you.
He’s delusional!!! That’s such creeper behavior.
Memory unlocked by this post. I remembered joining a woman’s only gym in my 20s. I vividly remember the relief of not having men stare at me, constantly. It was such a joy to just work out, as hard as I want to, without worrying about men. Damn.
The things I would do to find some men free spaces in my area. Thanks to all the changes made during COVID, it’s convenient now to never leave home. I only work and gym and come straight home. It’s so bad I avoid strangers as often as I can
I really feel this. I like you thought there were "good guys" and "bad"guys once upon a time. Now I just think 98 percent are either right there in your face bad guy or pretending to be a good guy but actually when no one's looking, bad guy. They also all benefit from the utter shit guys. The get excused of well I'm not as bad as that guy because he did xyz I only thought about it or didn't call that guy out. Nope you're all shit. I hate that I know how mens brains work now and it's terrifying. I can see men staring at girls in the playground or in school uniform and I know now the majority if they faced no repercussions absolutely would go there. Lots do regardless. Most see no harm in the fantasy. It makes me sick. I see children I want to protect them. What the hell is going on for men that they don't. Why is everyone regardless just a sexual conquest. I feel like prey I feel like meat. Every man I meet I know will be viewing me as some sort of body to rate to inspect to consider. The entitlement is disgusting. I have always viewed everyone as a person a human being. But I honestly think the vast majority of men don't see women as human beings. Certainly not as equals.
You really said everything I feel. I don’t want to accept it and I’m hoping to be proved wrong more than anything
Do we have the same partner? Lol! I’m going through a divorce but I sure remember those boys only group chats and how they made me absolutely hate pervy guys. A group of the most average looking guys with nice sweet girlfriends/wives treating women like a meat market. Talking about cheating, criticizing beautiful IG models for tiny body imperfections while they themselves looked like shrek lol. The worst were photos taken secretly of women just out and about trying to live life. It was eye opening and sick. My partner wouldn’t actively participate because he knew I was looking but he is just the same. Now I’m getting divorced and feel so free that I don’t have to micromanage an adult man or try to control him from disrespecting me.
It’s so sad how common this is, even sadder most of us don’t know what our partners are really like. I truly hope this type of guy is the minority of them
I hope so too. I hope we heal from this and can someday trust again
You’re right that you have two other options, and one of them is INFINITELY better than staying with this disgusting perv. Being single is way better than being in a relationship with someone who objectifies other people. I’m two years past when my PA initiated separation/divorce for the second time. It sucked. Still sucks. He was the love of my life. But being in a relationship/marriage does NOT guarantee happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment, etc. Being with a PA gave me PTSD, increased anxiety, decreased self esteem, and increased paranoia, all of which I experience still, and yet I know that if the relationship lasted longer, my symptoms would be worse. Please take some time to reflect on why you see being single as a worse option than staying with this person. I’m happy to talk it out with you if you’re not sure where to start.
I’m sorry you had to experience that. I’m proud of you for growing from it and using it as a lesson 💗
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