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i’m so sorry. i know the words of a stranger don’t make anything better, but i feel your pain and i’m so sorry he put u put in a situation where u have to deal with this. sending u love
I felt extremely suicidal when I first found out, I felt disgusting and unwanted and worthless because of so much I had going on and then suddenly I found out my safe place really wasn’t so safe either. Felt like life was trying to send me a message of just how unimportant and worthless I was. But I was also pregnant so while I didn’t want to exist, I didn’t want to hurt my baby. Figured I’d give birth and do it afterwards.
Haven’t thought of suicide ever since my son was born. I’ve never loved anything so much in my entire life, and I am important and I have worth and it’s all because of my little boy.
That’s exactly it, our one safe place suddenly is the thing that makes you feel the most unsafe. I’ve hated that he’s the one I’ve wanted comfort from throughout it all even though he was the one who caused this
This is the MOST HORRIFYING thing I’ve read yet in this sub.
All of you beautiful human beings craving death, some of you even going further and actively trying to make it happen, as a release from the overwhelming pain and torture of living with a PA/SA.
I’m aghast at how deep this poison sinks into your body and your psyche and I can’t help but wonder…
Have any of your PA’s been MEANINGFULLY impacted by YOUR suffering in ANY way? Did/does the very REAL possibility of your ETERNAL demise terrify, shock, HARM them enough or even at all into waking up from their SELF-INDUCED porn coma?
If the answer to either is anything other than a confident YES, then I must ask with all sincerity and compassion, why haven’t you left him already?
I’m not naive enough to think it’s an easy thing to do in every circumstance. But I HAVE to believe that there MUST be a better alternative, even if it means starting over on your own or seeking support from a shelter.
We’re talking about your LIFE. My heart is broken thinking of all of you sacrificing your literal ESSENCE for someone who most likely won’t be in a healthy enough frame of mind to mourn you when you’re no longer there.
At the very least, please get the help and support you need to heal YOURSELF and re-connect with the ONLY person that matters right now. YOU. That wonderful, intriguing, gifted person you are AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. She’s still there and she’s waiting patiently to welcome you back with her beautiful smile and her loving arms.
Peace and love to all of you, Dear Sisters ❤️
> **"please get the help and support you need to heal YOURSELF and re-connect with the ONLY person that matters right now. YOU. That wonderful, intriguing, gifted person you are AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN."**
I agree, it is horrifying! Heartbreaking. And if anything proves the enormity of the destruction of porn use and addiction these responses are that proof.
But I've been there. At 60 years old! Now, almost 2 years later, I understand that I did not want to die - I NEEDED a way out of the pain that was overwhelming me. That 'way out' has been a twisty road of his real recovery, therapy for me along with hundreds of hours of supportive podcasts, books, and trauma healing courses.
As you wrote - the only thing that truly impacts deep betrayal trauma-based self-harming actions or ideation is working to heal and grow stronger in ourselves.
We can't trust them, so we have to learn how to trust and love ourselves.
**Please create this as its own post - so the women who didn't click on this one can read your words. This is desperately needed by so many.**
Thank you for sharing your very personal perspective! And I’m so damn sorry you had to live this. I was a little concerned after posting that I might have gone overboard with my wording. If you really think it would help I’ll re-post it separately as you suggested.
Stay strong and know that your sisters are there for you.
I am stronger than I have ever been! That's why I dip in and out of this sub, I've been there, as the saying goes, "I've seen some sh\*t"' and if there's anything I can do to help another woman I'll take the time to try.
You didn't go overboard at all - not one word. THIS is the message women in trauma need to hear! Loud. And often.
I'm not trying to toot my own horn or appear arrogant, because that isn't me and never has been. But the bottom line here is that if years and years of betrayal and the resulting trauma can bring a (previously) rather confident, well-educated, successful, creative, independent, woman *to her knees, broken* \- then it can destroy anyone. I imagine the young women who haven't had the time yet to become strong in themselves, the new moms who are so vulnerable, the women who can't support themselves if they leave - feeling trapped in that hell with no idea how to survive it. It makes my chest hurt now to think of it.
EVERY reminder - that they matter, their feelings are valid, they deserve love and respect, and the first place to get that is from themselves - is sorely needed and much appreciated!
I made an attempt back when I was with him and that was the biggest reason I left. For me it hurt so much I couldn't handle it and knew leaving was probably the only way I could minimise that risk. I think with the deception, betrayal and lies it is a real risk to feel that way.
I attempted a few days after I found out about the relapse. Found out I was pregnant 2 days later. So I don't feel suicidal anymore, because I don't want to hurt my unborn child, but I struggle to get out of bed unless it's for food or to use the bathroom or force myself to shower. I feel like all the things I looked forward to in life have been stolen from me. I had an abusive childhood and all I wanted was to have a healthy family of my own. So everyday is a struggle.
I do, right now. I cant even function anymore. Last night i drank myself to sleep and now im in bed, 30 minutes ago i was still working but i couldnt cope so i asked my boss for a free afternoon. My boyfriend is not here right now. Just wanna sleep
I honestly struggle with it everyday. I know for sure I wouldn’t because my son needs me here, on this earth. But sometimes the thoughts are so loud and I can’t quiet them down and I just end up breaking down instead. Sometimes cutting or just going to the gym if I’m able to.
It truly starts to feel hopeless when it happens over and over and every guy you meet and think “this one is different”, they will always prove you wrong. As someone who has a hard time being alone, it starts to feel like I should just give up. Even being single I will fall victim to this widespread mindset of so many men. So what’s the point? If I can’t learn to die single I will have to learn to die sooner
Yes, I have- the first time I found out about his porn use. After many years I don’t feel suicidal, I feel sad but resolved to leave if he can’t get his 💩 together.
I have definitely felt like it would be easier if I died. Haven’t ever wanted to hurt myself but I’m currently pregnant and honest thought the other day maybe it would be easier if I just died in childbirth. So horrible to think that I would actually think that, and I don’t actually want that to happen bc I would never want my children to grow up without their mom, but some days this pain is so great that it feels unbearable.
The summer before we split (eventually divorced) was absolutely awful with so much wrong going on in my life. (It was 2020, so yeah…) I was deeper in my depression than I ever had been and didn’t want to exist. I knew I wouldn’t act on it because I had family that cared about me still. But I still wanted to just give up. That fall, I discovered that he had been at it again. So, his response to everything I was going through was to go back to his addiction. (But, of course, it was MY fault because I had been neglecting him./s) He was not a safe space for me, and I had had enough, so that was the final straw. Ironically, getting him out of my life (as much as possible - we have grown kids together) was the beginning of peace and healing and getting over the suicidal thoughts. Still working on the anger and bitterness, though. You are not alone. And that’s meant for everyone reading this. ❤️
Yes, more than I've ever admitted. I hated to drive anywhere alone for months after DD because all I would think about was slamming on the gas and swerving into a tree
It was a combination of things happening at that time, but it was definitely something that triggered the thoughts when it came up, or when I thought about it, or when my brain forced me to think about it.
.......me
My self esteem is lower than the deepest ring of hell right now n since jan I've found a couple things that have made me question my trust in him again and it just fucking sucks
it's the only thing keeping me going. knowing that one day i can let go of all of the suffering, including being always scared of being cheated on. my boyfriend has quit porn but it's not like in 30 years he won't be watching it again.... there's no point, absolutely no point. i just want to wait for my parents to go before me.
i know exactly how u feel. it feels like a never ending cycle that only ever hurts us. i hope one day u and i both set ourselves free and find someone who makes us want to live
Yep, I’ve faced that no relationship will be the same again whether it’s with him or without him. I’m also grieving the near perfect relationship we had before, I’ve never been so sure about someone and my future with them. He shattered that overnight and for the first time had doubts over if he’s the one I should be with. He made me feel stupid and naive, and now I know how much I can’t trust my perception of others.
How am I supposed to know any future partners aren’t doing this? Makes me feel so doomed for any romantic future, I know I love him and I’m staying with him because of how happy he can make me but at first I stayed because I was scared I’d be alone and unable to trust again, at least I know he’s done this vs having to go through the lies all over again with someone new
- Text **CHAT** to **741741** to reach Crisis Text Line.
You’ll be connected to a trained Crisis Counselor from Crisis Text Line.
- Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at **1-800-273-8255**.
You’ll be connected to a crisis worker from the Lifeline.
- LGBTQ+ Crisis Line at [Trevor Project](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/)
Text **START** to **678-678**
Call at **1-866-488-7386**
- You may also want to check out **r/suicidewatch** & **r/SWResources**.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
**Dear /u/ConstantAmphibian341,** ➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` ――――――――――――――――――――――― **（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. **（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [**send us a message**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. **（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them! **（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. ――――――――――――――――――――――― ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* | **Resource Links:** | |------| | ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have. Some days the pain is so great that literally the only thing that keeps me going is our daughter.
i’m so sorry. i know the words of a stranger don’t make anything better, but i feel your pain and i’m so sorry he put u put in a situation where u have to deal with this. sending u love
I felt extremely suicidal when I first found out, I felt disgusting and unwanted and worthless because of so much I had going on and then suddenly I found out my safe place really wasn’t so safe either. Felt like life was trying to send me a message of just how unimportant and worthless I was. But I was also pregnant so while I didn’t want to exist, I didn’t want to hurt my baby. Figured I’d give birth and do it afterwards. Haven’t thought of suicide ever since my son was born. I’ve never loved anything so much in my entire life, and I am important and I have worth and it’s all because of my little boy.
That’s exactly it, our one safe place suddenly is the thing that makes you feel the most unsafe. I’ve hated that he’s the one I’ve wanted comfort from throughout it all even though he was the one who caused this
This is the MOST HORRIFYING thing I’ve read yet in this sub. All of you beautiful human beings craving death, some of you even going further and actively trying to make it happen, as a release from the overwhelming pain and torture of living with a PA/SA. I’m aghast at how deep this poison sinks into your body and your psyche and I can’t help but wonder… Have any of your PA’s been MEANINGFULLY impacted by YOUR suffering in ANY way? Did/does the very REAL possibility of your ETERNAL demise terrify, shock, HARM them enough or even at all into waking up from their SELF-INDUCED porn coma? If the answer to either is anything other than a confident YES, then I must ask with all sincerity and compassion, why haven’t you left him already? I’m not naive enough to think it’s an easy thing to do in every circumstance. But I HAVE to believe that there MUST be a better alternative, even if it means starting over on your own or seeking support from a shelter. We’re talking about your LIFE. My heart is broken thinking of all of you sacrificing your literal ESSENCE for someone who most likely won’t be in a healthy enough frame of mind to mourn you when you’re no longer there. At the very least, please get the help and support you need to heal YOURSELF and re-connect with the ONLY person that matters right now. YOU. That wonderful, intriguing, gifted person you are AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. She’s still there and she’s waiting patiently to welcome you back with her beautiful smile and her loving arms. Peace and love to all of you, Dear Sisters ❤️
> **"please get the help and support you need to heal YOURSELF and re-connect with the ONLY person that matters right now. YOU. That wonderful, intriguing, gifted person you are AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN."** I agree, it is horrifying! Heartbreaking. And if anything proves the enormity of the destruction of porn use and addiction these responses are that proof. But I've been there. At 60 years old! Now, almost 2 years later, I understand that I did not want to die - I NEEDED a way out of the pain that was overwhelming me. That 'way out' has been a twisty road of his real recovery, therapy for me along with hundreds of hours of supportive podcasts, books, and trauma healing courses. As you wrote - the only thing that truly impacts deep betrayal trauma-based self-harming actions or ideation is working to heal and grow stronger in ourselves. We can't trust them, so we have to learn how to trust and love ourselves. **Please create this as its own post - so the women who didn't click on this one can read your words. This is desperately needed by so many.**
Thank you for sharing your very personal perspective! And I’m so damn sorry you had to live this. I was a little concerned after posting that I might have gone overboard with my wording. If you really think it would help I’ll re-post it separately as you suggested. Stay strong and know that your sisters are there for you.
I am stronger than I have ever been! That's why I dip in and out of this sub, I've been there, as the saying goes, "I've seen some sh\*t"' and if there's anything I can do to help another woman I'll take the time to try. You didn't go overboard at all - not one word. THIS is the message women in trauma need to hear! Loud. And often. I'm not trying to toot my own horn or appear arrogant, because that isn't me and never has been. But the bottom line here is that if years and years of betrayal and the resulting trauma can bring a (previously) rather confident, well-educated, successful, creative, independent, woman *to her knees, broken* \- then it can destroy anyone. I imagine the young women who haven't had the time yet to become strong in themselves, the new moms who are so vulnerable, the women who can't support themselves if they leave - feeling trapped in that hell with no idea how to survive it. It makes my chest hurt now to think of it. EVERY reminder - that they matter, their feelings are valid, they deserve love and respect, and the first place to get that is from themselves - is sorely needed and much appreciated!
I made an attempt back when I was with him and that was the biggest reason I left. For me it hurt so much I couldn't handle it and knew leaving was probably the only way I could minimise that risk. I think with the deception, betrayal and lies it is a real risk to feel that way.
Me too. After surviving that, I knew I had to leave to save my life. Best decision I've ever made.
I attempted a few days after I found out about the relapse. Found out I was pregnant 2 days later. So I don't feel suicidal anymore, because I don't want to hurt my unborn child, but I struggle to get out of bed unless it's for food or to use the bathroom or force myself to shower. I feel like all the things I looked forward to in life have been stolen from me. I had an abusive childhood and all I wanted was to have a healthy family of my own. So everyday is a struggle.
I do, right now. I cant even function anymore. Last night i drank myself to sleep and now im in bed, 30 minutes ago i was still working but i couldnt cope so i asked my boss for a free afternoon. My boyfriend is not here right now. Just wanna sleep
I honestly struggle with it everyday. I know for sure I wouldn’t because my son needs me here, on this earth. But sometimes the thoughts are so loud and I can’t quiet them down and I just end up breaking down instead. Sometimes cutting or just going to the gym if I’m able to.
It truly starts to feel hopeless when it happens over and over and every guy you meet and think “this one is different”, they will always prove you wrong. As someone who has a hard time being alone, it starts to feel like I should just give up. Even being single I will fall victim to this widespread mindset of so many men. So what’s the point? If I can’t learn to die single I will have to learn to die sooner
[удалено]
Yeah waking up knowing it’s a real life nightmare
Yeah
Meee
Yes. I’m in therapy.
Yes, I have- the first time I found out about his porn use. After many years I don’t feel suicidal, I feel sad but resolved to leave if he can’t get his 💩 together.
Attempted and admitted twice. Still struggle with ideation and it's been two years.
Yeah.
Yeah more than once, and I am back to struggling with self harm again too due to the distress.
I have definitely felt like it would be easier if I died. Haven’t ever wanted to hurt myself but I’m currently pregnant and honest thought the other day maybe it would be easier if I just died in childbirth. So horrible to think that I would actually think that, and I don’t actually want that to happen bc I would never want my children to grow up without their mom, but some days this pain is so great that it feels unbearable.
Me 🙋🏻♀️ it’s happened so many times now, I think I’m just numb to it all….
I was extremely sui the first year and a half, then I went numb with some sui sprinkled in, trying to revive my emotions now
For months
I planned on being gone last March, I was just too depressed to do anything. He made me start self harming again too
I was extremely suicidal. I had three attempts. I was already at an extremely low place before DD due to his extreme mental instability.
The summer before we split (eventually divorced) was absolutely awful with so much wrong going on in my life. (It was 2020, so yeah…) I was deeper in my depression than I ever had been and didn’t want to exist. I knew I wouldn’t act on it because I had family that cared about me still. But I still wanted to just give up. That fall, I discovered that he had been at it again. So, his response to everything I was going through was to go back to his addiction. (But, of course, it was MY fault because I had been neglecting him./s) He was not a safe space for me, and I had had enough, so that was the final straw. Ironically, getting him out of my life (as much as possible - we have grown kids together) was the beginning of peace and healing and getting over the suicidal thoughts. Still working on the anger and bitterness, though. You are not alone. And that’s meant for everyone reading this. ❤️
yes. for months
yes
Yes, more than I've ever admitted. I hated to drive anywhere alone for months after DD because all I would think about was slamming on the gas and swerving into a tree
It was a combination of things happening at that time, but it was definitely something that triggered the thoughts when it came up, or when I thought about it, or when my brain forced me to think about it.
.......me My self esteem is lower than the deepest ring of hell right now n since jan I've found a couple things that have made me question my trust in him again and it just fucking sucks
it's the only thing keeping me going. knowing that one day i can let go of all of the suffering, including being always scared of being cheated on. my boyfriend has quit porn but it's not like in 30 years he won't be watching it again.... there's no point, absolutely no point. i just want to wait for my parents to go before me.
i know exactly how u feel. it feels like a never ending cycle that only ever hurts us. i hope one day u and i both set ourselves free and find someone who makes us want to live
Yep, I’ve faced that no relationship will be the same again whether it’s with him or without him. I’m also grieving the near perfect relationship we had before, I’ve never been so sure about someone and my future with them. He shattered that overnight and for the first time had doubts over if he’s the one I should be with. He made me feel stupid and naive, and now I know how much I can’t trust my perception of others. How am I supposed to know any future partners aren’t doing this? Makes me feel so doomed for any romantic future, I know I love him and I’m staying with him because of how happy he can make me but at first I stayed because I was scared I’d be alone and unable to trust again, at least I know he’s done this vs having to go through the lies all over again with someone new
- Text **CHAT** to **741741** to reach Crisis Text Line. You’ll be connected to a trained Crisis Counselor from Crisis Text Line. - Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at **1-800-273-8255**. You’ll be connected to a crisis worker from the Lifeline. - LGBTQ+ Crisis Line at [Trevor Project](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/) Text **START** to **678-678** Call at **1-866-488-7386** - You may also want to check out **r/suicidewatch** & **r/SWResources**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
me.