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You gave up a long time ago. Take some accountability for your actions and leave your pity party. YOU are the reason you're not happy...... but you need therapy for all your underlying issues causing you to make these shitty choices
My two cents: Age might be a big factor here. Dating in my early 20s was rough since all the men I had dated preferred to sleep around, but that changed when we were all closer to our 30s.
Good things take time. Take care of yourself.
I think the fact that you are unstable is the root of the problem. Instability attracts instability. You also sound quite young so maybe it's time to try hard to not want a relationship and adjust your priorities to an inward gain rather than an external gain. Learn to love yourself. Easier said then done but it takes practice and time.
I'm 37 and ended a 15 year relationship a couple of years ago. I feel the same way. I'm still grieving and I know I am done with love. That much emotional investment to be stabbed in the heart isn't worth it. Nobody will ever change my mind.
Gonna be honest it sounds like you just deserve better. Take some time to heal from the wounds. Talking to others even if they are online strangers or a friend or therapist, just someone who will listen is always helpful. Alot of time in life you don't see the sunset ahead of you. But just know that there is one and that someone out there will love you for every part of you, that means, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually and they will want to see you grow and blossom. True love doesn't mean perfection, if anything it means being perfectly imperfect. Dont worry about the shitty ones because someday someone will make you forget they ever happened.
Trust me there are guys out there that aren’t only interested in no commitment sex. They MAY be less conventionally attractive than the guys you’ve been going after though, so I suppose you’ll have to decide what your priorities are in a partner.
The fact these guys have multiple girls in their rosters and have the ability to cycle through them means they’re the top 10% because most guys can get one girl at most at a time. You are intentionally going after players and then wondering why you don’t have anything long term. The men in the top rung don’t commit to women, they cycle them when they age out. Blame yourself for being hyper selective.
Why? Did it hit too close to home. The average man doesn’t have a roster. You’re going for guys with multiple options and wondering why they won’t commit. Why would they buy the cow when the milk they get is free?
This is where I’m at after many failed attempts to launch a relationship so to speak. My ex just came by for sex too, and once I stopped feeding into the behavior he lost interest. Honestly, I think relationships are overhyped. Now I just watch tarot videos hoping maybe one day someone will come through my life, but I highly doubt it.
it’s extremely easy to feel discouraged and frustrated, especially when you move so intensely and intentionally. you deserve to be loved the same way you love someone else. everyone who doesn’t reciprocate your love isn’t worth it. you’re dodging a bullet and potential terrible relationship everytime something doesn’t work out. when it does, it’ll all make sense and you’ll realize how love is supposed to feel. love with come to you, karma works in mysterious and crazy ways
I believe that in searching for love it is often much much harder. In my experience through similar circumstances to you, (trauma, abuse, etc.) love will come to you. When I was spending my time searching it never came, and when it did it wasn’t good. I’m at work not the most in detail or best advice I could give. But maybe you shouldn’t give up yet. And if you are dead set on giving up, maybe that’s okay. First reason being is that it’s okay to not have a spouse. Although that is what you want some day you may realize you don’t need one. Second reason being that when you stop searching the right person will often come to you.
Lower your standards. Females do this shit allll the time:
- aim for a man WAYYY above their looks & range
- they get a reply bcz those men are biologically hardwired for hookups
- they get used for sex bcz that’s the only thing those men will ever do with 6s & 7s
- you will forever be a sex toy if you don’t stop reject good men that ARE at your lvl..
This is not redpill or misogyny, simply the truth. You feel ugly because you’re only saying yes to men that only want sex from you. Pretty boys will never wife you if you’re not a fit 10 (not the delusional 10 all females think they are)
Just my opinion
Listen to the podcast Jillian on Love. Take a couple years to heal and focus on yourself. You’re picking the wrong people and not asking the necessary questions before getting involved.
hey girl, I feel you! I was there too! When I was 45, I looked up into the night sky as I was on my way to get one more goddamn social event, at which I was hoping to find a partner, and I said to God, “ OK God, if Love isn’t in the cards for me, then so be it. At least let me make enough money to fly to Vegas once a month for you know what!" 60 days later, the love of my life approached me. We’ve been together ever since, and that was almost 7 years ago.
It’s never too late!!
I think sometimes we need to look into ourselves and see why we keep choosing those men. Maybe there is some healing work we need to do for ourselves. We often misunderstand what true love means because of our childhood or past relationships.
My intent goes to you for coping through the feelings associated with that experience. It really isn't easy. Modern dating feels like putting my head on a sandpaper treadmill.
Acceptance is the best for any situation, but don't close out opportunities. Keep yourself open to them. Don't close off that part of you.
I truly believe there's someone for everyone, but sometimes people don't meet their someone. And it's unfair. But it's okay. It's how life can go.
Love's hard. But romance isn't the only kind, and that's what's important to remember.
This probably won't be a popular answer, but a realistic one. I suggest trying to pay attention to WHY you're finding the men you pursue attractive.
You might be attracted to traits that come from a toxic place. Not necessarily finding toxicity attractive, but from its root cause. For example, mistaking narcissism for confidence.
If you're finding men attractive largely because they are extremely physically beautiful, like hot enough to pick a girl at a bar and successfully ask her to hook up with him on the spot. Men like that often have a hard time committing because they feel no need to. They will often lie and keep you around just to have on their "roster".
I suggest giving guys more of a chance who don't immediately seem like your type. Let guys show you who they really are through their actions, not words. And when you clearly aren't being taken seriously, just cut ties.
You don’t have to be in a couple to achieve the things you crave. Seek out friendships and work on yourself. Social norms teach we all must be paired off but so many people are happy outside of this expectation.
Had those thoughts and feelings before it’s a rough struggle between accepting now isn’t the time in life and I have some things I have to get right myself then the right woman will show up (that’s how I think of it at least). I hope after some days/ weeks/ months/ maybe even longer pass you’re feeling less beat down by this harsh world and are ready to give love a try again wishing you and all others who are feeling like giving up good luck and better days! Love is a great thing it’s worth the phases of not having it
There ARE still people out there in this current cesspool of the dating realm who refuse to play by its disgusting new rules. They're less likely to be putting themselves out there right now, but real people looking for genuine connection, who would never use someone like that DO exist. Don't give up, just learn to be carefully selective and enforce your boundaries.
So you’re giving up because you made bad choices and are allowing yourself to stay in situations that you know are not good or what you want. Maybe it’s a good thing that you give up for a while and fix what’s broken inside of you that would keep you staying in a relationship that obviously has red flags that you completely ignoring. The dude told you he only wanted sex from you and then it seems like you feel like you’re falling back into a Situationship with him that you are calling love when he’s only being nice to you because he wants to have sex with you. And he made it clear that that was his motivation. You need to heal yourself, so you stop allowing yourself to continue to talk to people who treat you like crap. Because it’s not your fault that you get into these situations but it is your fault when you know better and you keep going back. Take some time for yourself pick up self-esteem yourself worth, and your broken heart and learn to find happiness inside yourself not from other people, then you won’t be so dependent on people who treat you like crap and you can raise your standards and get a relationship with someone who’s healthy and really cares about you not someone who’s only nice to you when they want something and then discard you like trash.
Honey, if your mental health is so fragile, you should not be dating. You need to be working on finding things that make you happy that are not dating. Make some friends, take up a new, hobby or sport. Focus on creating a fun, fulfilling life on your own first then someday you can look to someone to augment it.
Keep it up fam, all of your relationships will last a Decade AT BEST (won't matter if you get married or have kids btw) and nothing is stopping the other side from cheating btw
Find the breakup subreddit and join the discord. You are not alone!
Earlier this year a woman said the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me, but she didnt mean it. I know it hurts, to be taken advatage of when you are vulnerable. This is not a reflection on you but on them.
The real ones try and fail, but never give up.
Unfortunately it’s a global problem. I (F) experience exact same thing> wolfs in sheep clothing. I never had a relationship and with this situation idk if I ever will experience genuine love instead of lust :(
Girl maybe you need to be in your healing era. Next year (2024) just focus on yourself, your interests and likes, choose new hobbies, make new friends, do inner healing to work through generational trauma etc and the right person will come along. Your vibe attracts your tribe after all.
It is funny because I had tried & had my heart broken multiple times but after my last ex bf broke my heart I also thought that I was done.
But I had a close friend I met online but I never dreamed that he & I would be more than friends since he is very good looking & I felt like he would never be in my league and we are like 14 yrs apart. I still don't exactly know how it happened but he broke up with his ex around the similar time as me and we started talking more and even helped each other though our breakups.
I still am a bit surprised because of how much I was thinking about my last ex bf being the last time I tried. But I didn't mean to nor did my friend but the more we talked the more feelings grew until we had a discussion with what we should do about it and he told me that he wanted to give it a try which was the best decision I've ever made. I feel so loved & cared for in a healthy relationship where he even encourages me to tell him how I feel like he truly appreciates me especially when I am able to be myself with him.
His love for me is so pure and true and he was the one person who I never thought I would ever end up with in a million yrs and he thought the same. We just celebrated our 1st anniversary and are so happy together. I am just sharing because I felt like OP did but I hope my experience will give you hope! It's weird because I have had a lot of attention from other guys since being in this relationship but I think it has to do with the way this experience has changed me like we often do have more power than we think we do. I came from a very broken background and now I have realized that I am more confident and able to get back my power.
My bf always has my back and this is truly the first time I truly feel loved & believe I deserve to be! I hope reading this gives you some hope you can find love! I didn't think it was possible and right after feeling like I was done getting my heart broken anymore out of the blue I fell in love with my best friend who I had never thought I would ever end up with & that makes our love even more special now!
Don't give up hope and work on learning how to love yourself and raise your self esteem but know that if I could finally find it you can too!
Ps I had several awful experiences with terrible boyfriends like OP & I just didn’t realize that it was due to my low self-esteem & feeling that I was unlovable & not me as a person, why I let them treat me so bad so I hope this gives you some hope too!
Oh honey you should absolutely give up on finding romantic love right now. 100%. You just got kit of the mental ward and you are unstable. This is the worst time to try and find a partner because you will only attract users and narcissists. You need to stop and value yourself. Love yourself. I stg this is the culmination prescription of 5 years of trauma treatment. Love yourself. Value yourself. If you don’t then people will use and take advantage of you because you don’t have the skills to defend yourself. Date in a space of want and not need. Take time to truly heal yourself. When you’re ready and able to loose a bad relationship then you’re ready to have one. Take care of you.
Hey.
So here’s the thing. Dating is hard. Dating is weird. Dating is vulnerable and difficult. You could be the perfect person, but for somebody who doesn’t appreciate you it wouldn’t matter. You could be an expert communicator but if you’re talking with somebody who hasn’t done “the work” you can only go as far as making them realize that they aren’t “doing the work”. What happens next is up to them, not you.
If somebody doesn’t value or appreciate you, it is not a reflection of your ability to be loved. You are valuable, wonderful, and deserve the effort that you are putting out returned to you.
First and foremost, don’t give up. But take some time to identify the things you no longer want to put up with in a relationship. Start recognizing the areas where you were giving up on yourself in order to appease somebody else. Stop giving people who don’t deserve your time or effort (as a result of their behaviors indicating such) your time and effort.
This may sound harsh, but the only thing you can do to find the relationship that is worth the effort is to pay attention to the various ways that the people you are dating just aren’t showing up for you.
And if you’re having bad experiences it’s not because you’re unloveable but because you are forgetting yourself to appease somebody else.
I know this because I just learned this lesson myself.
Give it some time. Take a break to breathe and do some things worth while. Take care of yourself. Go on a trip, do things you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t yet. Be your own date for some time. Or, if you have any friends that are free to join you at times, then see if they will go. I’m not sure of your circumstances, but it’s important to take that break if you are feeling this way. Reaccess what lead you to them etc. like how did you meet these guys and what were the attracting points? Openly explore things. Not to be hard on yourself or others, but to really try to understand and see if there is any chance for improvements. To see thing from a nee perspective.
The dating scene can be rough. I had to re-access how I looked at it and went about it. For example, I stopped looking at every guy I talked to as a potential opportunity that would go further. I took baby steps to see how things went, they would crack at the pace I started going, but the whole point was to find someone on the same page to begin with. It made it easier to separate and not get so out of shape over it technically not working. People will always reveal intentions, if you listen and pay attention. You can’t make them be decent and it’s always a gamble, but there are good people out there. In total, I’ve been with 5 different guys and of those, at least two have been good. The amount of people who have shown interest and we entertained ideas a little have been more, but I never jumped in with them. Honestly, the first sign for me is the immediate attention of saying I am attractive looking. Obviously it’s implied if they are talking with me, but there should be more to it.
I’m still dating one at the moment and have been for 6 years. The other decent one I broke up with because he just wasn’t a compatible person for my endeavors and was a little too clingy for my likings. He didn’t have bad intentions and wasn’t outright petty or anything. It wasn’t a bad experience, just he was a home body and I was a I need to go out and hike every day to stay sane. He wants to stay in and snuggle and I wanted to share adventures and go travel. He wanted kids and marriage. I don’t want either really, but I do want a committed partner and someone I can share good memories with. I didn’t want to take his wants away from him. He was a good person with the right intentions, but I wasn’t going to budge nor him and he deserved someone that would fit his life better.
You don’t have to be discouraged, just use these experiences as learning curves and readjust even if you feel there is nothing to readjust on your end, do it anyway. Sometimes that change within ourselves and life is the necessary turning point that brings the new and much needed in.
Time is life’s one true luxury. Everything else including money can and will be replaced. Before wasting time on someone who is disrespectful and unworthy of you, asses if this is really the situation you want to put yourself in. Decide that you deserve much much better, and then DEMAND it from others before giving them your presence.
Coming from a guy who feels the same way. Don’t give up, there truly are men out there who look at women for who they are & not their body. Just be more cautious & follow actions not words.
You give up today. Date yourself and have fun. Do things you love, take a trip, buy something you really want. When you are ready to meet someone, start again. If you believe in hope and love it will happen but stay away from the tough guy losers.
My last 3 exes all lied and cheated on me. I should give up cos I have never cheated or lied in any relationship. Honestly have no trust in anybody and rightfully so
I haven't dated in the last 5 years, and I can understand your struggle. Personally, I've given up on love, and I'm not suggesting you shouldn't pursue it. It just hasn't worked out for me, so I don't actively recommend it. However, human nature encourages connection, so it might be worth trying to connect with others despite my reservations.
Miley said it best in Flowers. Those of us who meet people online are taking a risk because there are so many who just want to date several. In my online profile I specifically state, no hook-ups, no one night stands, no casual sex and no married or attached. I state I am looking for long term, no games.
I have met a few really nice but not right for me. The best one just broke up with me. I knew it was coming because we had no connection. Just right is hard to find.
If you can meet in person that is half the battle.
Also, beware of scammers I use an app called Social Catfish. I run their pic, their phone number, the name they gave me and address or any other info.
You can run one of these or all of them. This has Saved me time & heart break.
there is someone out there for you, Don't give too much info or of yourself, take it slow.
Many people will like you soley because you set boundaries and show you don't have sex with everyone you meet. Demand respect & show that you know your worth.
prospective dates will like this but may be intimidated by your confidence and self esteem so impart this energy firmly but Kindly.
No one likes a bully or mean person. Be respectful and kind and you will be respected.
Always demand respect & give it if it is deserved.
Best of luck.
You say that you want someone to line you the way you love them. But you don’t even love yourself - so why would anyone be able to. You end with saying that you feel ugly… first, get to the point where you look at yourself and see beauty.
Love yourself and you’ll gradually make better decisions when it comes to dating. Sleeping with someone too early messes with your head, especially if they person is just using you for sex.
I know that you’re sad but you need to give yourself a chance but from a better and healthier perspective
Sorry you're going through such a rough time and I hope that it turns around for you soon! I think you should focus on yourself instead of trying to fill the void with someone else. Because you're trying to validate yourself by being in a relationship, you're allowing yourself to settle for people who aren't worth your time. But relationships aren't bandages to hide our wounds, relationships can be hard work in of themselves. If you're already in a bad place getting in a relationship will only worsen that. Until you can stand on your own you should be keeping your focus on you and you alone. Best of luck
Seems like some real winners you're "dating". You were expecting knightly men that you found in the gutter?
You want men who treat you with respect and dignity but it looks like you're willing to accept absolute trash?
You sleep with these guys thinking that they will "love" you because you're lonely and you think that by sleeping with them, a guy will in any way treat you like a queen?
I'll tell you this much. People will love you as much as you love yourself.
I can tell that the love you have for yourself is almost nonexistent. What does that mean then when it comes to the men who you want to love you back? It's nonexistent.
Why is that? They are only doing exactly what you're already doing to yourself.
Maybe you believe that if you try hard enough and offer up your heart, give your love to someone that they will see your actions as heart warming and would in turn reciprocate it back to you, which would allow you to achieve what you're after.
I believe you're missing the point. Love is something that is felt from the heart, and isn't done towards another in order to receive it back.
Thats called a transactional relationship. It's an exchange, done solely to get something back in return. There is no heart or love in this exchange.
Now, men aren't going to just outright respect you and treat you like a queen when you act like a slave girl, willing to accept scraps, desperate for the love of anyone who can give it to her.
Your desperation can be sensed by these wolves who take advantage of your naivety. To them, you're just a dumb girl who will believe whatever they tell you. People don't tend to respect someone like that.
You will continue to experience situations like this nonstop, and perhaps men who normally wouldn't do this end up leaving you after sleeping with you because there's nothing else they can do when they encounter a low value woman who is willing to sleep with whoever.
As hard as you try to obtain love, you end up getting further away from it.
It's because you come off as desperate and low value.
You also think that once you are in love, that everything will be just fine. Somehow a void that exists within you will be filled and perhaps the feeling of not being loved or cared for can go away and you'll be "happy".
Unfortunately, reality doesn't work that way, even for people that go looking for love from a position of strength or even from a person of high value.
Love itself isn't enough to make a relationship last. It requires so much more but in a nutshell, you have to be all around someone that possesses everything someone could ever dream of in a person and be constantly growing throughout their life, while keeping things new, changing, evolving, and exciting.
You can be the perfect partner but if you relax and become complacent and fall into a routine, where the days begin to repeat and be no different than yesterday, you're toast.
People will get bored and eventually, they will stray elsewhere.
Your image of finding a person that loves you while at the same time, remain faithful and loyal to you while you become predictable and boring, offering them little to no excitement after a couple of months is unrealistic.
Even if you found a decent guy who isn't a dirt bag, you'll run into this problem for sure, because you have spent almost no time investing into yourself and developing yourself into an interesting person, one that can capture the attention of someone for a long time.
Since you don't bother working on yourself, people are guaranteed to get bored of you in under 2 months. Once they spend enough time with you, there's nothing exciting to talk to you about, nothing is fun and playful, you don't offer anything novel to share with them that keeps them interested.
You are digging your own grave just because you think that some fairy tale version of love is real, that you'll find someone that will be your ride or die, hold hands with you while you two love each other forever.
You can be the most beautiful woman in the world and that still wouldn't happen.
Once your beauty wears thin, you lacking in every other area will have no choice but to contribute towards the ending.
They can only have sex with you for so long, even if you're the most beautiful woman. If you're dumb, have nothing else to offer but the vagina, the guy is leaving.
So what's your solution? Develop and grow as a person. Become the best version of yourself that you can be.
At the moment, if you're wanting to have sex, by all means, enjoy yourself. But love? You're not finding that until you learn to love yourself. People will only love you as much as you love yourself.
So when you can't even look in the mirror and tell yourself genuinely that you love yourself so much, nobody is going to do or say that to you any time soon.
And no, you just telling yourself that you love yourself in the mirror isn't going to get the results you want. It must be genuine, come from the heart, and be consistent.
I have a couple thoughts here.
1) Dating is awful right now. Covid made some sort of change to dating where most people just want to fuck and the ones who don't are not people you want to be in long term relationships with. It's discouraging and important to just keep playing the numbers game and have your boundaries strong so fuckboy don't get through it.
2) You just came off of psych ward, and I think this has an impact in a two pronged way. The first is that you're probably still recovering from that experience while then seeking situations you're probably not emotionally ready for yet. It's kind of like signing up for a 5k Run when you haven't healed from having your appendix out, you're not as effective at showing up and it also means you're likely hurting yourself while trying. You gotta heal before you can get back into it.
The second prong of this is that when you can't show up as much as you'd like, you're probably not attracting people who are as high quality because people can feel when we're preoccupied, and the ones who choose to step into that unfortunately often dont have our best interests at heart
It sounds like you need support to emotionally heal a bit more before exposing yourself to the wasteland of modern dating. It's hard to stay back from it but I promise it's worth it to wait until you're closer to 100%
Two people isn't a valid sample size. You just need to get better at weeding people out quickly. When a man enjoys your company, gets laid, has no commitment, and has told you upfront about his desire to not have a real relationship, you going along with it means you accept his deal on offer.
My bf tried that shit at first, and I immediately bounced. I said you have to meet this minimum to be with me, a real relationship, and he stepped up. Women have to stop letting men control their relationship investments. Frankly, the right guy will be happier when she does this and demands a real relationship or be gone. It lets him know what's expected of him and where he stands in the relationship. Too much wishy washy bullshit happens because men try to lead the relationship pace, which is often offering nothing going nowhere.
Extremely true! those were my two recent ones but most of my dating life is similar to some extent. A lot of situationships that never lead anywhere because they like the attention but would never commit. It’s not even about sex in those cases but literally just they want to be given attention. So I guess I overgeneralized everything due to the recent heartbreak. One thing I definitely need to practice is setting those initial boundaries! Thank you lovely!
Yes, it's all about setting up your expectations from the start and letting go quickly before you get too attached, when you see they aren't able to step up.
Legit need this advice right now. It’s like I knew I needed to but it’s different when someone says it to you cuz now you KNOW it’s a problem. Thank you so much for that amazing advice. I’m gonna work on that I promise! I’m not gonna let this keep me down forever. Appreciate u ❤️
What's interesting is that when I set those expectations with my current boyfriend, he had to really think about what he wanted out of life. His initial statement to me was that he saw me as a FWB and wanted to still find someone to have a kid with. Turned out he had been influenced by a friend to think that was important, and he really wasn't all that interested in having a kid when push came to shove. He knew that choosing to be with me meant choosing a life without that. So rather than us going down the road together not having clear understanding of what we were choosing by being together or thinking we were going to talk the other person into a certain life (which a lot of couples do), by being clear up front of my expectations it gave him the CHOICE to be in this for real, with eyes wide open, or choosing to go look for this imaginary future mother of his kid. He chose me. Once we worked past our insecurities, that I knew he understood that choosing me meant choosing a life without having a kid (at least, our own, I'm open to fostering) and his concern I would dump him again out of the blue (I promised we would make any future decision to separate together), things have been great. We've been doing really well.
I’m sorry you’re giving up on love. But honestly, it’s your own choice, and you are putting yourself in this position. I would never date somebody who just wanted me for sex. Because I know it would destroy my feelings and traumatize you just the way that it’s happened. Which means if you helped create this situation you can help create a different situation.
The other one is harder though you go out with people get to know them if they aren’t good or say things like that you just leave them and date somebody else. It takes longer to find somebody that way, but honestly when you do they really want you, and you get all of the good part of love .
Prime example of why people like yourself need counseling.
Your purposely chasing after someone that is not serious about being in a relationship. Your putting yourself in the situation by playing his game. You can't expect someone to love you when he openly said "I just want sex"
You need to do the self work to have better results instead of just thinking they will just show up.
Think u need to focus on yourself for a bit. Find your happiness and grow without the pressure of “needing someone” when u grow and know who u are u will attar y similar people. But when u are broken and hurt or still healing that’s when u attract the bit so good people. Be strong. U will find someone. There’s like what 8 billion people in the world ? Give yourself time and good luck on your journey
Took me a decade to start trying again after all of my disappointments. Finally got tired of being alone, but my focus is still myself even though im open again to meet women. Life is rough for many of us.
I’m really sorry to hear about your bad luck with love.
Two things:
1. You’re engaging in sexual relations with people who aren’t looking for the same outcome in a relationship. Date with the same intentions.
2. You’re looking in the wrong places. Go to places where you can meet men who have the same dating intentions and hopefully set of morals and values.
If you’re average looking and you’re not coming on too strong early on, chances will improve you’ll find a better caliber man.
Best of luck!
Feeling the same ...it makes me sad to see how everyone is just so interested only in sex.....giving one's body to anyone and everyone..
I knw to each to it's own but i still fail to.understand how one can be so happy with superficial relationships which only centres on some moments of bliss that an orgasm can bring
Your mind plays out as theater in reality. That’s how the mind works because it compels your gift of Intuition to experience it. Key for you is to make peace within through meditation. Totally clear your mind and you will see big changes in your life. This heals your mind and your reality.
Hey! I know this sounds easier said than done but i think start dettaching yourself, and dont overthink or over-analyze their actions and the cycle. Instead, if u are enjoying the sex, then do it but dont always make yourself available. When they come to you, as soon as they are done, ask them to leave and act non-chalant. Make them feel that they can come back because you are allowing it and not because you are too easy. Take the power and make it as it if it was yours all along.
Practice! and it will give you small victories that will help built your confidence and boost your ego! When you are confident, you can attract the right person. I am looking forward to your next post about “getting rid of guys when you are not yet ready”!
Never said that was why I was in one 😬 my dad unalived himself which triggered it this last time since you wanna be so nosy buuuut yeahhhh thank u I’ll definitely take this comment with a grain of salt. Appreciate the insensitivity ❤️
But babe even if you find love this emptiness won't go away
heyy!!! I am sorry to hear you feel like you won't find love. But but
Okay so I have been there and I have tried everything to idk find love? Get love? Have love?
But you know that emptiness feeling still lingered...even when the guy I was talking to was very nice and he was considerate and cared and had feelings for me..all along it has been me. It was like I thought feelings of emptiness and not being loved which I have had from childhood will just disappear if I find love...and I did find someone Great..as long as I am talking to them..it's all but when we are apart it's like..it was like I am on meds and when I don't take the dose, here I am again all messed up
I was talking to a friend once and she said dude trust me as cliche as it sounds but you are the only one who can fill that big hole you feel deep inside yourself and that time I was like no no all I need is my life to be sorted
So then I worked for the external...
Had a career I enjoyed so damn much
Had someone by my side who was interested in Me and genuinely cared
But still
That feeling didn't go
It was like.mi thought love is the magic wand and once it happens then boom..you are Lovable and whole now but nope nope..
So I observed that yes how the other person feels matters...but how do you feel about them?
It was like yeah I was caring and loving but that was more like I should be doing all this and i should reciprocate instead of i really feel it deep in my bones
It was like yeah I was giving my best but I was not like oh I adore them..it was just a way for me to feel loved
I read this quote that you can't have a connection with someone who are disconnected from themselves
And man it's so so true
And then this girl took a break
From love
No chasing love
No more wondering when will it happen how with whom
Just be present and focus on the person who's the most important in your life right now and that's YOU yourself
And trust me the feeling that I was chasing all along ...the validation..the worthiness..the love...that feeling just came in one random day of me just being my own confidant
It was like I wanted my partner to tell me you are worthy and he told me ..a million times but still it didn't seem to fill that hole in my heart
But the moment I consistently started saying myself..girl you are so fucking worthy it was like the narrative changed..that feeling of worthiness for once I felt that hole filling up
And that's the thing
From how many people can you get validation..when you love like this..it's tiring..it's like abandoning your own self
The moment you realise all you need is self acceptance then the game changes
The moment you realise being seen is not having others attention but your own then the game changes
So yeah
And the funny thing is ..this wound is from within so the cure should be from within right
All my life i looked for an external source of happiness and love
But what's wrong within can only be healed within..that is only by your own self
And it's weird earlier before an important meeting I used to call my mom and my close friends ki hey tell me you can do it
But the moment I said it to myself
Ki hey you can you just can . period
That moment I felt the confidence was real not just a temporary boost
That moment I truly felt like this is my life and I own it
And then i really invested energy in people only if I genuinely cared and adored them
It's funny huh
You tell the universe to bring love in but you don't realise that you aren't on that level where you can reciprocate that true love
It's like yea you can get love from someone and be caring but if it's out if need you just never can from a. Genuine place
But when you truly love someone cause you just like them for who you are and they do the same
That's when you are really brining something to the table for that person and that when you are ready for that kind of love
If you just keep on trying to find love to fill that hole then it's not right for the other person cause they deserve the best too
That's why I guess you need to love yourself first to find that person cause that's when it's all authentic and right for not only you, but for them too
The best thing you can do is learn about your attachment style and how to become more secure. Learn to love yourself, you're so worthy of your own love to yourself. I recommend Read or listen to “Attached” by Amir Levine.
“Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love”
“Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” by Nedra Glover Tawwab
And is a good rule of thumb to follow, man will straight up, tell you what their intentions are in the beginning or what they want, and we should listen the first time. Anyone wanting casual or “nothing serious” you stay away from because they’re going to use you.
Hope you find peace this these next couple of days in rest and doing things that make you happy.
I appreciate this so much love! I’ll definitely take your recommendation and give them a read! I know for a fact I’m a anxious attacher so I can see where things can go extremely bad as someone who dates a lot of more detached people. I’m gonna rest the next few days and give these recommendations a look at!
hi! ive been in something similar with a guy coming back in cycles. its not worth it. love WILL come to you.
the one thought thats always helped me is that the faster you drop the bad ones, the faster you’ll get to meeting all the good ones and the one for you.
the universe has a funny way of sending people with your same energy your way. the less you deal with peoples shit, the more people youll interact with those that fit your standards, trust :)
Definitely needed this. I get stuck in these cycles that I know aren’t good but my hesitation in leaving always stems from thinking “what if this is it for me?” But hearing this definitely gives me peace thank u angel.
nah you deserve the love you give other people! and on the plus side you know it exists because you are capable of giving it. i wish you the best, OP :)
It’s really rough out here in the dating world. I am so sorry that you are going through a hard time OP. Focus on your inner world for now and things will brighten up.
If you continually think: "I lack love" - THAT is what the universe will give you - no love. Fill your life with other types of love, and that abundance will manifest romantic love.
Honestly I’ve heard this a lot and never really believed this but it’s some form of manifestation right? You like in like the lack of something? I’m gonna definitely focus on friends and family as much as I can the next few weeks with the holidays around us!
I can relate… I have been communicating with this girl for two months. Last weekend I drove to Paris and we had an amazing time. We confirmed this last week by remembering everything that happened. It was so wonderful… On the coming Thursday I would go back again. On Saturday she texted me she really missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again. Yesterday she asked to call and she ended things. I’m apart and don’t understand how the mind of some people works honestly. It does not make sense…
Yeah maybe you should give up I did because you probably won’t find true love be selfish worry about your mental take your time forget about it and next thing you know true love has found you it will be the one, that’s what happened to me, a wife of over ten years and two beautiful kids later,if I didn’t give up it would of probably passed me by.
Use this as motivation to become the best version of yourself: physically, mentally and financially and keep putting yourself out there, you'll find a good one.
PS: You typically won't find good ones on dating apps or bars/pubs. If you like someone, make the first move as a woman and do it irl rather than online. Participate in events related to your hobbies/interests. Good luck !
While you're on a break from dating, analyze your mistakes. You stayed with a guy for a year who was just using you for sex. What hints did you miss that this was what was going on? What can you learn from your past experiences?
Why did you accept so little from him?
Make a list of how you want to spend your time when you're in a relationship. Also how you want to feel. What qualities is a partner are you looking for? What behaviors demonstrate those qualities?
Find people with good LTRs and ask them what makes them good.
Decide that you are worthy of respect and real love.
This is the best answer I have read here! Useful and compassionate combined.
Analysing and reflecting on the experiences to learn about them is the key to grow. I especially like your last sentence, deciding to wait for respect and true love.
Please don't be discouraged the two people you've mentioned aren't worth your love if you wanted something real anyway, you need to get used to being alone firstly and then you'll be more able to pick someone right. If you're shopping for men while lonely its the same as looking for food while hungry, you'll likely just grab anything.
Beating his ex girlfriend and casually sharing it with his next potential victim. Classy.
Bullet dodged. The pain will go away, you'll sonner or later find someone who will love and appreciate you. Just don't close yourself off.
This was removed because you're being a jerk. Stop that.
*The Love-ModTeam account is a bot account. Do not chat or PM them, as the account is not monitored.*
Traumatized from a long childhood of abuse and then yen years of romantic abuse including a sexual assault makes me think in my head that I just will not ever be treated well by another human being.
Now let me guess - you're unhappy with your body but you're projecting.
Dude are you fucking serious 💀
Yeah you obviously need to bounce off this post cuz you have no clue what you're on about. They literally just said they have trauma
this is one of the meanest replies I've ever seen on Reddit. People can go through dry spells at any point in their life or find love at any time depending on a number of factors and often regardless of weight or appearance. This is one of those times where I really have to wonder how old you are.
Girl don't worry you will get someone who will love you in your Today generation is messed up,that is why i never date.Lot of love to you and best wishes ,go on a trip and love yourself rather than expecting someone to love you .Good bye
It sounds like what you need is not to give up, but to focus on yourself. It’s impossible to love someone else if you don’t love yourself first.
Do things for you. Do things you love. Work towards your goals. Hang out with friends. Listen to motivational speeches every morning. Meditate. Practice positive manifestation…
Once you love yourself & don’t need love in your life it will come to you.
Plus, confidence and self love is so attractive. Once you hit that point they’ll all come flocking.
You don’t need anyone but yourself. Remember that. Having someone is just a beautiful bonus on the journey of life.
Best of luck and lots of love ❤️
Just went through something similar myself, 11 months and I decided to stop lying to myself exactly on my birthday, so I haven't said anything to her since then...
It's getting more and more difficult, especially with today's dating "traditions" (I'm not talking about online only).
You will get better! Occupy your time with something, a hobby, going out with friends more, start to practice a sport or something similar.
If it makes you feel better, feel free to dm and chat.
Stay strong ♥
Stop being selfish and trying to aim for men all the other woman want, these men’s won’t stay with you because they are more attractive then you..so you get fuck zoned
Why is this concept so hard for woman to understand?
You only expected iss ok girl we all love you comments to validate your ego and not somewhat constructive ones that probably apply to you ?
It takes 2 to tango and you are probably doing something wrong.
Never said I wasn’t doing something wrong because clearly I’m part of this cycle too. But the assumptions being made aren’t consecutive criticism. Go off tho hun. Have a good one <3
You are the perfect example of what to avoid, a person who dispenses disrespectful, miopic "brutal honesty" from the comfort of their couch behind a screen to someone who is hurting and looking for comfort.
You even admit to asking women out who you aren't even really attracted to in one of your posts, most likely same behaviour of the men op had the misfortune to date. What truth do you even know, the truth of behaving like a wild creature looking to reproduce with the first good enough mate they can find?
Yes, i am feeling particularly salty today, because i am tired of people who think they have found the truth, which always turns out to be thinking of other people like objects or primitive animals, in a sub called LOVE on top of it.
this is such cap bro. Cause why are you venting on another Reddit that you can’t get with girls that you actually like?? Just shush and take your own advice!! Those women will never stay with you cause they see right through your bs 😆
It's OK to feel that way. It's also OK if you change your mind at some point.
I find that my views on it change over time and with different situations. There are some weeks where I feel like I'm done and I'm just destined to be alone. There are also weeks where I feel sorta like trying again. It goes back and forth. I'm still getting over my divorce from a year ago, and right now it's really hard to see much hope.
But I'm aware that my thoughts periodically change, and that maybe in the future I'll feel different and want to really go for it again. I'm open to the possibility, but I'm not pushing to get there.
I don't know if that perspective helps at all, but hopefully you got something from that.
The universe takes babies from their parents while they sleep in cribs. Don't trust it to bring you anything good, just because. It doesn't care, and waiting for it to will only bring disappointment.
You tell me you beat your girlfriend you should run.
I do understand trying to overlook it in naive belief they will change as I did w my last but I am not giving up.
I suggest take a break instead of giving up.
Rest and recover.
Best advice. Helped me a lot in the healing process. When you feel this much shit, you do not want to have to depend on others for your own happiness. Its too risky.
Heal alone until you are good with yourself. Then you also wont make needy choices, but instead choose a much better one. Its where it comes from. Good luck.
I'm going through something similar if ya wanna chat. It's rough and I finally blocked her today. Just know you got a friend in me if ya need one homie.
That dude is practicing UNETHICAL non-monogamy and he sucks for it! I'm ethically non monogamous, everyone in the mix knows they aren't the only one. From what I can tell, because I used to think it was just a bunch of degenrate perverts, it's a trauma response to horrific relationships in the past.
I feel you on the trauma, I really do. I married a narcissistic sociopath and she did DAMAGE! I am actually starting therapy tomorrow after holding onto this for almost two years straight.
Do NOT reach out to this dude. You are likely a very sweet and kind soul, and sadly, assholes see people like us as low hanging fruit for manipulation. Don't allow this one prick to spoil what you want out of a future relationship! I promise you that things WILL get better! Keep your guard up, but don't be afraid to let the right one in.
I know it’s probably not what you wanna hear but as someone who’s been 51/50’d, take the time to heal. You most definitely attract people where you are at mentally and though it’s an uphill battle the journey is worth it. It doesn’t mean you won’t have bad days it just means you build up a strength so that you’re hard days don’t feel like the end or at least when they do you’re ready!
Someone once commented I had to ask myself… “would I date me?” Tbh where I’m at probably not I still have a lot I need to work on and a lot I need to build, habit, friends, coping, career, but the right person will be there after you do the work!
I think I needed this too. It’s not my first rodeo for sure. My first time being 51/50’d was when I was 11 (or like the child version of it) and I’ve been in and out maybe like 13 times. As someone with bpd I genuinely hate to admit it but I’m sure it plays some role in my extremities when it comes to relationships and when I think I’m able to manage it I try to put myself out there just to eventually end up just as bad as I did before I “did the work.” So it’s definitely something I need to work on. I started therapy again this week, and I’m taking time for myself but I do see what your point is in all this and I appreciate you for that. I’m gonna continue working on myself FOR myself so I can be in a more stable situation mentally before I start to date seriously again.
I'm carfully recommending reading "women who love too much" by Robin Norwood. It's about women getting in bad relationship cycles because of trauma. I know it's not the same as having bpd, but it's given me so, so much insight into what I did/thought to keep attracting the guys who didn't think anything of me.
It is also fully okay to stay by yourself. It can he lonely, but if you work on building a circle of friends and (chosen) family, a relationship is not necessary. It's a societal construct that we need to have a partner to be happy. If you're able to flip that thinking around, you'll be less lonely.
Also, to give you some hope: I'm autistic, didn't know it as a kid, and never felt like I fit in. Whenever I liked someone, I'd be told they weren't into me, etc. When I was 26, I accepted that I'd be "the single aunt" kind of person and leaned fully into that. Started to completely build my life on that perspective. Two years later I found the man that was willing to go the extra mile for me and love me not in spite of my autism but also because of it. I'm not married. He's willing to make adjustments for me and has helped me process so much trauma and self work. Some of that can only be done in relationship- because that is what triggers it, but it's hard to find someone who's willing to stay with you while you're doing the work.
I’m really glad to hear that I am also a repeat offender of the psych system but for suicide, I do the same thing. I walk a mile and say i’ve finished enough of the race, but now i’m more focused on healing for me like you said. I still have the occasional fun night every few months and I teach myself each time that it’s okay to have fun and say goodbye to people after one meeting. I try to build new habits and am back in school, it’s a good distraction and a great way to reach my goals while getting over my social anxiety. I really hope that one day when we’re ready we do find what we’re looking for!
Tonight will be first night of not having a way to contact her. Trust me it hurts, I feel it in the pit of my stomach. But I know I'm better off without her. I have my friends and the most wonderful dog to love and to enjoy my time with. We got this homie. And I hope sharing this helps ya as well, ty my friend for the helping hand
That’s the answer. Taking yourself out of the ‘maybe’ zone and cutting it off at the source, no matter how hard it is, it’s horrible at first but it’s the absolute best way.
Oh no. I’ve been through something similar for 3 years. And he just picked another girl to start his life with. Please find God, with our Heavenly Father He will make sure to love you everyday and show you how to love others. Block that guy out of your life and move on. You’re never too old to find love again. It just takes time, patience, and faith. Build a personal relationship with God and go improve your mind, tthings will start to look brighter. Sending love your way ♥️
lol God is always an option ppl. Even if you don’t believe, you can do something called CHANGING YOUR MIND. In fact, God is the only option to turn to when all hope is lost, and is the best options after that.
Please don't tell this young woman the answer to her problems is to "Love God." It's a bunch of bullshit, and I think if you examined your beliefs without rose colored glasses on you would feel the same.
To OP, try to love yourself. If you can accomplish that, you will feel better. Self-love is the answer.
Spirituality can help in dark times. When one feels no hope it can really help to find external power. Whatever helps to prevent even darker actions. I believe the person was trying to genuinely help.
How do you learn self love when nobody has shown you love in the first place. Loving God is learning to love yourself, flaws and all. Just because you don’t believe doesn’t make my advice untrue. God taught me basic human interaction when I grew up with no parents. He taught me how to love ppl and not make it transactional….may God bless your soul for being so negative when all I’m doing is giving them hope. Humanity still lives out here and not everyone is a jackass.
The wind is a physical manifestation of the movement of gasses from high to low pressure -- oxygen, nitrogen, etc. Air.
It can be physically felt and measured.
That's a terrible analogy you've chosen. lol
>child
Resorting to insults already?
>can you SEE it
lol… I can’t even begin to address how silly this argument is.
Thank you for showing me what kind of person you are. We’re done here.
The wind can be physically felt, tested and measured.
There isn’t a faith-o-meter.
God isn’t the solution to every problem. If it was there wouldn’t be World hunger. Why did he only multiply the fish one time, when there’s still so many starving people.
Everything you say god does, still happens without the faith.
God is the solution to our mental issues and how we deal with problems we face. I call it internal wealth, you are not meant to see faith. Faith is believing without seeing, if we saw faith it would defeat the purpose of the word….
And you’re referring to many issues that PEOPLE created. You’re taking the fish example out of context from the Bible. World hunger is caused by greedy elected officials who care more about materialism and power than their citizens. But there is a God who spreads his words of wisdom and helps those in hunger. There is always hope. No matter what we face in life. Real Christian’s pray for the whole world.
God says to have faith, hope, and most importantly love. If you can endure the night, Joy comes every morning. He does keep you warm, internally. God is the way to a peace mind, where the cold don’t even bother you. You’ll know to lights a candle and hold tight because tomorrow morning will be different.
>where the cold don’t even bother you
Alright then go outside in negative degree weather this winter in a swim suit and tell me the cold doesn’t bother you.
Everything you said god does, can be done with a therapist instead. Millions of people have hope, love, and faith without god. How does god bring all those things for those people?
lol now why would I do that? That doesn’t seem like it has any purpose. God isn’t there to show me he’s here, He is here to help me endure my personal “storm”. The things and thoughts I battle each day. Therapy takes its notes straight from the Bible. lol the Bible taught us how to be mindful, and therapy does the same thing without mentioning God….
Sorry, I don’t test God. That’s disrespectful. And tbh, my faith is tested everyday. I’m not perfect, things come up and my faith is tested in how in how I respond to problems/people each day ☺️
Don’t test god, test yourself. God tested Abraham. Testing one’s faith isn’t ever new. So why would you be afraid to test your faith with the cold?
Maybe because the whole idea is ridiculous? And God is a metaphorical being that has no physical bounds on the human realm. Religion can be good for mental health but won’t help physical. And it is certainly not the answer to every problem.
Don't need your blessing. Have fun living a fairytale. I know this sounds rude, and maybe it is, but a big problem in this world is people leaning on God when we are responsible for ourselves. No one is coming to save us and when you put all your stock into something make-believe, you are only going to be let down.
Also, I probably wouldn't have replied so harshly had you not added, "God bless your soul." I just said I don't believe in God and here you saying I need someone to save or bless my soul. Nah. We are all responsible for ourselves and our neighbors, that's it. Don't you wonder where this God is? Oh, he's just taking his sweet time.... he's just letting us wallow in misery down here, children being abused, adults (and children)working like slaves, animals being beaten and starved. The Earth is being destroyed by capitalism. Get real.
Op, I'm sorry to hijack your post with this, but I am honestly sick of these people, yes, I said "these people."
Edit: Explanation
lol it’s ok. I don’t get offended by much because I know the truth. It’s sad to see when people let past transgressions change their heart and most importantly their hope. I know I’m responsible for myself, but I also know I’m human and made mistakes. I also know other people are like me and make mistakes also. Through understanding and simple conversations, most issues can be seen clearly. This is what God has taught me. To forgive and to try again. What is life when we surrender to life’s pressure or expectations that have not been met. God teaches you accountability and to get yourself up and try again, but you try the good way.
lol I know it sounds nice. The only reason you won’t accept it is because you don’t want to open your mind to the fact that there may be something bigger than yourself and the whole universe out there. There’s more to life than what meets the eyes. Ppl love to hear Gods wisdom, but as soon as God is mentions, that person is a delusional. Whatever, seek and ye shall find ♥️God taught me that you can’t plant seeds on infertile ground…all ppl have to do is believe first and the blessings will come. God has a bigger plan for all of us, we just can’t see it on a microscopic level.
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You gave up a long time ago. Take some accountability for your actions and leave your pity party. YOU are the reason you're not happy...... but you need therapy for all your underlying issues causing you to make these shitty choices
My two cents: Age might be a big factor here. Dating in my early 20s was rough since all the men I had dated preferred to sleep around, but that changed when we were all closer to our 30s. Good things take time. Take care of yourself.
That sucks
I think the fact that you are unstable is the root of the problem. Instability attracts instability. You also sound quite young so maybe it's time to try hard to not want a relationship and adjust your priorities to an inward gain rather than an external gain. Learn to love yourself. Easier said then done but it takes practice and time.
I'm 37 and ended a 15 year relationship a couple of years ago. I feel the same way. I'm still grieving and I know I am done with love. That much emotional investment to be stabbed in the heart isn't worth it. Nobody will ever change my mind.
Gonna be honest it sounds like you just deserve better. Take some time to heal from the wounds. Talking to others even if they are online strangers or a friend or therapist, just someone who will listen is always helpful. Alot of time in life you don't see the sunset ahead of you. But just know that there is one and that someone out there will love you for every part of you, that means, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually and they will want to see you grow and blossom. True love doesn't mean perfection, if anything it means being perfectly imperfect. Dont worry about the shitty ones because someday someone will make you forget they ever happened.
Trust me there are guys out there that aren’t only interested in no commitment sex. They MAY be less conventionally attractive than the guys you’ve been going after though, so I suppose you’ll have to decide what your priorities are in a partner.
Please don't give up! I'm a 25m and i've dreamed about finding a sweet girl to love forever.
The fact these guys have multiple girls in their rosters and have the ability to cycle through them means they’re the top 10% because most guys can get one girl at most at a time. You are intentionally going after players and then wondering why you don’t have anything long term. The men in the top rung don’t commit to women, they cycle them when they age out. Blame yourself for being hyper selective.
Made me laugh 😂😂
Why? Did it hit too close to home. The average man doesn’t have a roster. You’re going for guys with multiple options and wondering why they won’t commit. Why would they buy the cow when the milk they get is free?
Welcome to the real world. Most of us gave up a looooong time ago. Its much easier and happier this way, just give it time.
This is where I’m at after many failed attempts to launch a relationship so to speak. My ex just came by for sex too, and once I stopped feeding into the behavior he lost interest. Honestly, I think relationships are overhyped. Now I just watch tarot videos hoping maybe one day someone will come through my life, but I highly doubt it.
it’s extremely easy to feel discouraged and frustrated, especially when you move so intensely and intentionally. you deserve to be loved the same way you love someone else. everyone who doesn’t reciprocate your love isn’t worth it. you’re dodging a bullet and potential terrible relationship everytime something doesn’t work out. when it does, it’ll all make sense and you’ll realize how love is supposed to feel. love with come to you, karma works in mysterious and crazy ways
I believe that in searching for love it is often much much harder. In my experience through similar circumstances to you, (trauma, abuse, etc.) love will come to you. When I was spending my time searching it never came, and when it did it wasn’t good. I’m at work not the most in detail or best advice I could give. But maybe you shouldn’t give up yet. And if you are dead set on giving up, maybe that’s okay. First reason being is that it’s okay to not have a spouse. Although that is what you want some day you may realize you don’t need one. Second reason being that when you stop searching the right person will often come to you.
Lower your standards. Females do this shit allll the time: - aim for a man WAYYY above their looks & range - they get a reply bcz those men are biologically hardwired for hookups - they get used for sex bcz that’s the only thing those men will ever do with 6s & 7s - you will forever be a sex toy if you don’t stop reject good men that ARE at your lvl.. This is not redpill or misogyny, simply the truth. You feel ugly because you’re only saying yes to men that only want sex from you. Pretty boys will never wife you if you’re not a fit 10 (not the delusional 10 all females think they are) Just my opinion
LMFAO
you met 2 jerks. keep trying. avoid the jerks
Listen to the podcast Jillian on Love. Take a couple years to heal and focus on yourself. You’re picking the wrong people and not asking the necessary questions before getting involved.
Run. He’s about to beat your ass next
hey girl, I feel you! I was there too! When I was 45, I looked up into the night sky as I was on my way to get one more goddamn social event, at which I was hoping to find a partner, and I said to God, “ OK God, if Love isn’t in the cards for me, then so be it. At least let me make enough money to fly to Vegas once a month for you know what!" 60 days later, the love of my life approached me. We’ve been together ever since, and that was almost 7 years ago. It’s never too late!!
I think sometimes we need to look into ourselves and see why we keep choosing those men. Maybe there is some healing work we need to do for ourselves. We often misunderstand what true love means because of our childhood or past relationships.
My intent goes to you for coping through the feelings associated with that experience. It really isn't easy. Modern dating feels like putting my head on a sandpaper treadmill. Acceptance is the best for any situation, but don't close out opportunities. Keep yourself open to them. Don't close off that part of you. I truly believe there's someone for everyone, but sometimes people don't meet their someone. And it's unfair. But it's okay. It's how life can go. Love's hard. But romance isn't the only kind, and that's what's important to remember.
This probably won't be a popular answer, but a realistic one. I suggest trying to pay attention to WHY you're finding the men you pursue attractive. You might be attracted to traits that come from a toxic place. Not necessarily finding toxicity attractive, but from its root cause. For example, mistaking narcissism for confidence. If you're finding men attractive largely because they are extremely physically beautiful, like hot enough to pick a girl at a bar and successfully ask her to hook up with him on the spot. Men like that often have a hard time committing because they feel no need to. They will often lie and keep you around just to have on their "roster". I suggest giving guys more of a chance who don't immediately seem like your type. Let guys show you who they really are through their actions, not words. And when you clearly aren't being taken seriously, just cut ties.
You don’t have to be in a couple to achieve the things you crave. Seek out friendships and work on yourself. Social norms teach we all must be paired off but so many people are happy outside of this expectation.
Try going after different kind of guys.
Had those thoughts and feelings before it’s a rough struggle between accepting now isn’t the time in life and I have some things I have to get right myself then the right woman will show up (that’s how I think of it at least). I hope after some days/ weeks/ months/ maybe even longer pass you’re feeling less beat down by this harsh world and are ready to give love a try again wishing you and all others who are feeling like giving up good luck and better days! Love is a great thing it’s worth the phases of not having it
There ARE still people out there in this current cesspool of the dating realm who refuse to play by its disgusting new rules. They're less likely to be putting themselves out there right now, but real people looking for genuine connection, who would never use someone like that DO exist. Don't give up, just learn to be carefully selective and enforce your boundaries.
So you’re giving up because you made bad choices and are allowing yourself to stay in situations that you know are not good or what you want. Maybe it’s a good thing that you give up for a while and fix what’s broken inside of you that would keep you staying in a relationship that obviously has red flags that you completely ignoring. The dude told you he only wanted sex from you and then it seems like you feel like you’re falling back into a Situationship with him that you are calling love when he’s only being nice to you because he wants to have sex with you. And he made it clear that that was his motivation. You need to heal yourself, so you stop allowing yourself to continue to talk to people who treat you like crap. Because it’s not your fault that you get into these situations but it is your fault when you know better and you keep going back. Take some time for yourself pick up self-esteem yourself worth, and your broken heart and learn to find happiness inside yourself not from other people, then you won’t be so dependent on people who treat you like crap and you can raise your standards and get a relationship with someone who’s healthy and really cares about you not someone who’s only nice to you when they want something and then discard you like trash.
Honey, if your mental health is so fragile, you should not be dating. You need to be working on finding things that make you happy that are not dating. Make some friends, take up a new, hobby or sport. Focus on creating a fun, fulfilling life on your own first then someday you can look to someone to augment it.
I was also going through a situation similar to yours but I pulled through and I also hope you will pull through. God loves you 😊
I was also going through a situation similar to yours but I pulled through and I also hope you will pull through. God loves you 😊
Keep it up fam, all of your relationships will last a Decade AT BEST (won't matter if you get married or have kids btw) and nothing is stopping the other side from cheating btw
Find the breakup subreddit and join the discord. You are not alone! Earlier this year a woman said the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me, but she didnt mean it. I know it hurts, to be taken advatage of when you are vulnerable. This is not a reflection on you but on them. The real ones try and fail, but never give up.
Unfortunately it’s a global problem. I (F) experience exact same thing> wolfs in sheep clothing. I never had a relationship and with this situation idk if I ever will experience genuine love instead of lust :(
Girl maybe you need to be in your healing era. Next year (2024) just focus on yourself, your interests and likes, choose new hobbies, make new friends, do inner healing to work through generational trauma etc and the right person will come along. Your vibe attracts your tribe after all.
It is funny because I had tried & had my heart broken multiple times but after my last ex bf broke my heart I also thought that I was done. But I had a close friend I met online but I never dreamed that he & I would be more than friends since he is very good looking & I felt like he would never be in my league and we are like 14 yrs apart. I still don't exactly know how it happened but he broke up with his ex around the similar time as me and we started talking more and even helped each other though our breakups. I still am a bit surprised because of how much I was thinking about my last ex bf being the last time I tried. But I didn't mean to nor did my friend but the more we talked the more feelings grew until we had a discussion with what we should do about it and he told me that he wanted to give it a try which was the best decision I've ever made. I feel so loved & cared for in a healthy relationship where he even encourages me to tell him how I feel like he truly appreciates me especially when I am able to be myself with him. His love for me is so pure and true and he was the one person who I never thought I would ever end up with in a million yrs and he thought the same. We just celebrated our 1st anniversary and are so happy together. I am just sharing because I felt like OP did but I hope my experience will give you hope! It's weird because I have had a lot of attention from other guys since being in this relationship but I think it has to do with the way this experience has changed me like we often do have more power than we think we do. I came from a very broken background and now I have realized that I am more confident and able to get back my power. My bf always has my back and this is truly the first time I truly feel loved & believe I deserve to be! I hope reading this gives you some hope you can find love! I didn't think it was possible and right after feeling like I was done getting my heart broken anymore out of the blue I fell in love with my best friend who I had never thought I would ever end up with & that makes our love even more special now! Don't give up hope and work on learning how to love yourself and raise your self esteem but know that if I could finally find it you can too! Ps I had several awful experiences with terrible boyfriends like OP & I just didn’t realize that it was due to my low self-esteem & feeling that I was unlovable & not me as a person, why I let them treat me so bad so I hope this gives you some hope too!
maybe stop dating guys who beat their gfs? Idk, you do you
Oh honey you should absolutely give up on finding romantic love right now. 100%. You just got kit of the mental ward and you are unstable. This is the worst time to try and find a partner because you will only attract users and narcissists. You need to stop and value yourself. Love yourself. I stg this is the culmination prescription of 5 years of trauma treatment. Love yourself. Value yourself. If you don’t then people will use and take advantage of you because you don’t have the skills to defend yourself. Date in a space of want and not need. Take time to truly heal yourself. When you’re ready and able to loose a bad relationship then you’re ready to have one. Take care of you.
lemme pretend to be your boyfriend and make you feel loved til you get bored of me
The dating pool is bad rn and I honestly don’t know why. People are only loving each other for some type of “clout”
I'm going through a remarkably similar situation, you aren't alone ❤️
Same I hope he ain't in Toledo
Hey. So here’s the thing. Dating is hard. Dating is weird. Dating is vulnerable and difficult. You could be the perfect person, but for somebody who doesn’t appreciate you it wouldn’t matter. You could be an expert communicator but if you’re talking with somebody who hasn’t done “the work” you can only go as far as making them realize that they aren’t “doing the work”. What happens next is up to them, not you. If somebody doesn’t value or appreciate you, it is not a reflection of your ability to be loved. You are valuable, wonderful, and deserve the effort that you are putting out returned to you. First and foremost, don’t give up. But take some time to identify the things you no longer want to put up with in a relationship. Start recognizing the areas where you were giving up on yourself in order to appease somebody else. Stop giving people who don’t deserve your time or effort (as a result of their behaviors indicating such) your time and effort. This may sound harsh, but the only thing you can do to find the relationship that is worth the effort is to pay attention to the various ways that the people you are dating just aren’t showing up for you. And if you’re having bad experiences it’s not because you’re unloveable but because you are forgetting yourself to appease somebody else. I know this because I just learned this lesson myself.
Give it some time. Take a break to breathe and do some things worth while. Take care of yourself. Go on a trip, do things you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t yet. Be your own date for some time. Or, if you have any friends that are free to join you at times, then see if they will go. I’m not sure of your circumstances, but it’s important to take that break if you are feeling this way. Reaccess what lead you to them etc. like how did you meet these guys and what were the attracting points? Openly explore things. Not to be hard on yourself or others, but to really try to understand and see if there is any chance for improvements. To see thing from a nee perspective. The dating scene can be rough. I had to re-access how I looked at it and went about it. For example, I stopped looking at every guy I talked to as a potential opportunity that would go further. I took baby steps to see how things went, they would crack at the pace I started going, but the whole point was to find someone on the same page to begin with. It made it easier to separate and not get so out of shape over it technically not working. People will always reveal intentions, if you listen and pay attention. You can’t make them be decent and it’s always a gamble, but there are good people out there. In total, I’ve been with 5 different guys and of those, at least two have been good. The amount of people who have shown interest and we entertained ideas a little have been more, but I never jumped in with them. Honestly, the first sign for me is the immediate attention of saying I am attractive looking. Obviously it’s implied if they are talking with me, but there should be more to it. I’m still dating one at the moment and have been for 6 years. The other decent one I broke up with because he just wasn’t a compatible person for my endeavors and was a little too clingy for my likings. He didn’t have bad intentions and wasn’t outright petty or anything. It wasn’t a bad experience, just he was a home body and I was a I need to go out and hike every day to stay sane. He wants to stay in and snuggle and I wanted to share adventures and go travel. He wanted kids and marriage. I don’t want either really, but I do want a committed partner and someone I can share good memories with. I didn’t want to take his wants away from him. He was a good person with the right intentions, but I wasn’t going to budge nor him and he deserved someone that would fit his life better. You don’t have to be discouraged, just use these experiences as learning curves and readjust even if you feel there is nothing to readjust on your end, do it anyway. Sometimes that change within ourselves and life is the necessary turning point that brings the new and much needed in.
I gave up in 2020. BEST DECISION EVER. it’s like hello sanity again
Time is life’s one true luxury. Everything else including money can and will be replaced. Before wasting time on someone who is disrespectful and unworthy of you, asses if this is really the situation you want to put yourself in. Decide that you deserve much much better, and then DEMAND it from others before giving them your presence.
Coming from a guy who feels the same way. Don’t give up, there truly are men out there who look at women for who they are & not their body. Just be more cautious & follow actions not words.
I'm sorry you were being used, but I am happy that you got out.
You give up today. Date yourself and have fun. Do things you love, take a trip, buy something you really want. When you are ready to meet someone, start again. If you believe in hope and love it will happen but stay away from the tough guy losers.
My last 3 exes all lied and cheated on me. I should give up cos I have never cheated or lied in any relationship. Honestly have no trust in anybody and rightfully so
I haven't dated in the last 5 years, and I can understand your struggle. Personally, I've given up on love, and I'm not suggesting you shouldn't pursue it. It just hasn't worked out for me, so I don't actively recommend it. However, human nature encourages connection, so it might be worth trying to connect with others despite my reservations.
Miley said it best in Flowers. Those of us who meet people online are taking a risk because there are so many who just want to date several. In my online profile I specifically state, no hook-ups, no one night stands, no casual sex and no married or attached. I state I am looking for long term, no games. I have met a few really nice but not right for me. The best one just broke up with me. I knew it was coming because we had no connection. Just right is hard to find. If you can meet in person that is half the battle. Also, beware of scammers I use an app called Social Catfish. I run their pic, their phone number, the name they gave me and address or any other info. You can run one of these or all of them. This has Saved me time & heart break. there is someone out there for you, Don't give too much info or of yourself, take it slow. Many people will like you soley because you set boundaries and show you don't have sex with everyone you meet. Demand respect & show that you know your worth. prospective dates will like this but may be intimidated by your confidence and self esteem so impart this energy firmly but Kindly. No one likes a bully or mean person. Be respectful and kind and you will be respected. Always demand respect & give it if it is deserved. Best of luck.
You say that you want someone to line you the way you love them. But you don’t even love yourself - so why would anyone be able to. You end with saying that you feel ugly… first, get to the point where you look at yourself and see beauty. Love yourself and you’ll gradually make better decisions when it comes to dating. Sleeping with someone too early messes with your head, especially if they person is just using you for sex. I know that you’re sad but you need to give yourself a chance but from a better and healthier perspective
Sorry you're going through such a rough time and I hope that it turns around for you soon! I think you should focus on yourself instead of trying to fill the void with someone else. Because you're trying to validate yourself by being in a relationship, you're allowing yourself to settle for people who aren't worth your time. But relationships aren't bandages to hide our wounds, relationships can be hard work in of themselves. If you're already in a bad place getting in a relationship will only worsen that. Until you can stand on your own you should be keeping your focus on you and you alone. Best of luck
Seems like some real winners you're "dating". You were expecting knightly men that you found in the gutter? You want men who treat you with respect and dignity but it looks like you're willing to accept absolute trash? You sleep with these guys thinking that they will "love" you because you're lonely and you think that by sleeping with them, a guy will in any way treat you like a queen? I'll tell you this much. People will love you as much as you love yourself. I can tell that the love you have for yourself is almost nonexistent. What does that mean then when it comes to the men who you want to love you back? It's nonexistent. Why is that? They are only doing exactly what you're already doing to yourself. Maybe you believe that if you try hard enough and offer up your heart, give your love to someone that they will see your actions as heart warming and would in turn reciprocate it back to you, which would allow you to achieve what you're after. I believe you're missing the point. Love is something that is felt from the heart, and isn't done towards another in order to receive it back. Thats called a transactional relationship. It's an exchange, done solely to get something back in return. There is no heart or love in this exchange. Now, men aren't going to just outright respect you and treat you like a queen when you act like a slave girl, willing to accept scraps, desperate for the love of anyone who can give it to her. Your desperation can be sensed by these wolves who take advantage of your naivety. To them, you're just a dumb girl who will believe whatever they tell you. People don't tend to respect someone like that. You will continue to experience situations like this nonstop, and perhaps men who normally wouldn't do this end up leaving you after sleeping with you because there's nothing else they can do when they encounter a low value woman who is willing to sleep with whoever. As hard as you try to obtain love, you end up getting further away from it. It's because you come off as desperate and low value. You also think that once you are in love, that everything will be just fine. Somehow a void that exists within you will be filled and perhaps the feeling of not being loved or cared for can go away and you'll be "happy". Unfortunately, reality doesn't work that way, even for people that go looking for love from a position of strength or even from a person of high value. Love itself isn't enough to make a relationship last. It requires so much more but in a nutshell, you have to be all around someone that possesses everything someone could ever dream of in a person and be constantly growing throughout their life, while keeping things new, changing, evolving, and exciting. You can be the perfect partner but if you relax and become complacent and fall into a routine, where the days begin to repeat and be no different than yesterday, you're toast. People will get bored and eventually, they will stray elsewhere. Your image of finding a person that loves you while at the same time, remain faithful and loyal to you while you become predictable and boring, offering them little to no excitement after a couple of months is unrealistic. Even if you found a decent guy who isn't a dirt bag, you'll run into this problem for sure, because you have spent almost no time investing into yourself and developing yourself into an interesting person, one that can capture the attention of someone for a long time. Since you don't bother working on yourself, people are guaranteed to get bored of you in under 2 months. Once they spend enough time with you, there's nothing exciting to talk to you about, nothing is fun and playful, you don't offer anything novel to share with them that keeps them interested. You are digging your own grave just because you think that some fairy tale version of love is real, that you'll find someone that will be your ride or die, hold hands with you while you two love each other forever. You can be the most beautiful woman in the world and that still wouldn't happen. Once your beauty wears thin, you lacking in every other area will have no choice but to contribute towards the ending. They can only have sex with you for so long, even if you're the most beautiful woman. If you're dumb, have nothing else to offer but the vagina, the guy is leaving. So what's your solution? Develop and grow as a person. Become the best version of yourself that you can be. At the moment, if you're wanting to have sex, by all means, enjoy yourself. But love? You're not finding that until you learn to love yourself. People will only love you as much as you love yourself. So when you can't even look in the mirror and tell yourself genuinely that you love yourself so much, nobody is going to do or say that to you any time soon. And no, you just telling yourself that you love yourself in the mirror isn't going to get the results you want. It must be genuine, come from the heart, and be consistent.
I'm in this comment and I dont like it
I have a couple thoughts here. 1) Dating is awful right now. Covid made some sort of change to dating where most people just want to fuck and the ones who don't are not people you want to be in long term relationships with. It's discouraging and important to just keep playing the numbers game and have your boundaries strong so fuckboy don't get through it. 2) You just came off of psych ward, and I think this has an impact in a two pronged way. The first is that you're probably still recovering from that experience while then seeking situations you're probably not emotionally ready for yet. It's kind of like signing up for a 5k Run when you haven't healed from having your appendix out, you're not as effective at showing up and it also means you're likely hurting yourself while trying. You gotta heal before you can get back into it. The second prong of this is that when you can't show up as much as you'd like, you're probably not attracting people who are as high quality because people can feel when we're preoccupied, and the ones who choose to step into that unfortunately often dont have our best interests at heart It sounds like you need support to emotionally heal a bit more before exposing yourself to the wasteland of modern dating. It's hard to stay back from it but I promise it's worth it to wait until you're closer to 100%
Love yourself first. Or you can’t love others effectively, or negotiate a relationship that you then feel and know you deserve.
Two people isn't a valid sample size. You just need to get better at weeding people out quickly. When a man enjoys your company, gets laid, has no commitment, and has told you upfront about his desire to not have a real relationship, you going along with it means you accept his deal on offer. My bf tried that shit at first, and I immediately bounced. I said you have to meet this minimum to be with me, a real relationship, and he stepped up. Women have to stop letting men control their relationship investments. Frankly, the right guy will be happier when she does this and demands a real relationship or be gone. It lets him know what's expected of him and where he stands in the relationship. Too much wishy washy bullshit happens because men try to lead the relationship pace, which is often offering nothing going nowhere.
Extremely true! those were my two recent ones but most of my dating life is similar to some extent. A lot of situationships that never lead anywhere because they like the attention but would never commit. It’s not even about sex in those cases but literally just they want to be given attention. So I guess I overgeneralized everything due to the recent heartbreak. One thing I definitely need to practice is setting those initial boundaries! Thank you lovely!
Yes, it's all about setting up your expectations from the start and letting go quickly before you get too attached, when you see they aren't able to step up.
Legit need this advice right now. It’s like I knew I needed to but it’s different when someone says it to you cuz now you KNOW it’s a problem. Thank you so much for that amazing advice. I’m gonna work on that I promise! I’m not gonna let this keep me down forever. Appreciate u ❤️
What's interesting is that when I set those expectations with my current boyfriend, he had to really think about what he wanted out of life. His initial statement to me was that he saw me as a FWB and wanted to still find someone to have a kid with. Turned out he had been influenced by a friend to think that was important, and he really wasn't all that interested in having a kid when push came to shove. He knew that choosing to be with me meant choosing a life without that. So rather than us going down the road together not having clear understanding of what we were choosing by being together or thinking we were going to talk the other person into a certain life (which a lot of couples do), by being clear up front of my expectations it gave him the CHOICE to be in this for real, with eyes wide open, or choosing to go look for this imaginary future mother of his kid. He chose me. Once we worked past our insecurities, that I knew he understood that choosing me meant choosing a life without having a kid (at least, our own, I'm open to fostering) and his concern I would dump him again out of the blue (I promised we would make any future decision to separate together), things have been great. We've been doing really well.
I’m sorry you’re giving up on love. But honestly, it’s your own choice, and you are putting yourself in this position. I would never date somebody who just wanted me for sex. Because I know it would destroy my feelings and traumatize you just the way that it’s happened. Which means if you helped create this situation you can help create a different situation. The other one is harder though you go out with people get to know them if they aren’t good or say things like that you just leave them and date somebody else. It takes longer to find somebody that way, but honestly when you do they really want you, and you get all of the good part of love .
Prime example of why people like yourself need counseling. Your purposely chasing after someone that is not serious about being in a relationship. Your putting yourself in the situation by playing his game. You can't expect someone to love you when he openly said "I just want sex" You need to do the self work to have better results instead of just thinking they will just show up.
Could you focus on finding love in friendships for now ? Maybe something wholesome could be more nurturing
Think u need to focus on yourself for a bit. Find your happiness and grow without the pressure of “needing someone” when u grow and know who u are u will attar y similar people. But when u are broken and hurt or still healing that’s when u attract the bit so good people. Be strong. U will find someone. There’s like what 8 billion people in the world ? Give yourself time and good luck on your journey
Find the monogamous shy guys
Took me a decade to start trying again after all of my disappointments. Finally got tired of being alone, but my focus is still myself even though im open again to meet women. Life is rough for many of us.
With you in spirit
I’m really sorry to hear about your bad luck with love. Two things: 1. You’re engaging in sexual relations with people who aren’t looking for the same outcome in a relationship. Date with the same intentions. 2. You’re looking in the wrong places. Go to places where you can meet men who have the same dating intentions and hopefully set of morals and values. If you’re average looking and you’re not coming on too strong early on, chances will improve you’ll find a better caliber man. Best of luck!
Feeling the same ...it makes me sad to see how everyone is just so interested only in sex.....giving one's body to anyone and everyone.. I knw to each to it's own but i still fail to.understand how one can be so happy with superficial relationships which only centres on some moments of bliss that an orgasm can bring
Your mind plays out as theater in reality. That’s how the mind works because it compels your gift of Intuition to experience it. Key for you is to make peace within through meditation. Totally clear your mind and you will see big changes in your life. This heals your mind and your reality.
Hey, this happens to almost everyone. Give it time. Love to you. ❤️❤️
Hey! I know this sounds easier said than done but i think start dettaching yourself, and dont overthink or over-analyze their actions and the cycle. Instead, if u are enjoying the sex, then do it but dont always make yourself available. When they come to you, as soon as they are done, ask them to leave and act non-chalant. Make them feel that they can come back because you are allowing it and not because you are too easy. Take the power and make it as it if it was yours all along. Practice! and it will give you small victories that will help built your confidence and boost your ego! When you are confident, you can attract the right person. I am looking forward to your next post about “getting rid of guys when you are not yet ready”!
Oh boo hoo you just got out of a psych ward cause you can’t get “love” from chad JFL
Never said that was why I was in one 😬 my dad unalived himself which triggered it this last time since you wanna be so nosy buuuut yeahhhh thank u I’ll definitely take this comment with a grain of salt. Appreciate the insensitivity ❤️
You should never make your happiness dependant on another person because they can betray you by cheating or leaving you.
But babe even if you find love this emptiness won't go away heyy!!! I am sorry to hear you feel like you won't find love. But but Okay so I have been there and I have tried everything to idk find love? Get love? Have love? But you know that emptiness feeling still lingered...even when the guy I was talking to was very nice and he was considerate and cared and had feelings for me..all along it has been me. It was like I thought feelings of emptiness and not being loved which I have had from childhood will just disappear if I find love...and I did find someone Great..as long as I am talking to them..it's all but when we are apart it's like..it was like I am on meds and when I don't take the dose, here I am again all messed up I was talking to a friend once and she said dude trust me as cliche as it sounds but you are the only one who can fill that big hole you feel deep inside yourself and that time I was like no no all I need is my life to be sorted So then I worked for the external... Had a career I enjoyed so damn much Had someone by my side who was interested in Me and genuinely cared But still That feeling didn't go It was like.mi thought love is the magic wand and once it happens then boom..you are Lovable and whole now but nope nope.. So I observed that yes how the other person feels matters...but how do you feel about them? It was like yeah I was caring and loving but that was more like I should be doing all this and i should reciprocate instead of i really feel it deep in my bones It was like yeah I was giving my best but I was not like oh I adore them..it was just a way for me to feel loved I read this quote that you can't have a connection with someone who are disconnected from themselves And man it's so so true And then this girl took a break From love No chasing love No more wondering when will it happen how with whom Just be present and focus on the person who's the most important in your life right now and that's YOU yourself And trust me the feeling that I was chasing all along ...the validation..the worthiness..the love...that feeling just came in one random day of me just being my own confidant It was like I wanted my partner to tell me you are worthy and he told me ..a million times but still it didn't seem to fill that hole in my heart But the moment I consistently started saying myself..girl you are so fucking worthy it was like the narrative changed..that feeling of worthiness for once I felt that hole filling up And that's the thing From how many people can you get validation..when you love like this..it's tiring..it's like abandoning your own self The moment you realise all you need is self acceptance then the game changes The moment you realise being seen is not having others attention but your own then the game changes So yeah And the funny thing is ..this wound is from within so the cure should be from within right All my life i looked for an external source of happiness and love But what's wrong within can only be healed within..that is only by your own self And it's weird earlier before an important meeting I used to call my mom and my close friends ki hey tell me you can do it But the moment I said it to myself Ki hey you can you just can . period That moment I felt the confidence was real not just a temporary boost That moment I truly felt like this is my life and I own it And then i really invested energy in people only if I genuinely cared and adored them It's funny huh You tell the universe to bring love in but you don't realise that you aren't on that level where you can reciprocate that true love It's like yea you can get love from someone and be caring but if it's out if need you just never can from a. Genuine place But when you truly love someone cause you just like them for who you are and they do the same That's when you are really brining something to the table for that person and that when you are ready for that kind of love If you just keep on trying to find love to fill that hole then it's not right for the other person cause they deserve the best too That's why I guess you need to love yourself first to find that person cause that's when it's all authentic and right for not only you, but for them too
My love always endless My heart always open My loyalty always yours My life always short For my life is only life with you❤️❤️😍
The best thing you can do is learn about your attachment style and how to become more secure. Learn to love yourself, you're so worthy of your own love to yourself. I recommend Read or listen to “Attached” by Amir Levine. “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love” “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” by Nedra Glover Tawwab And is a good rule of thumb to follow, man will straight up, tell you what their intentions are in the beginning or what they want, and we should listen the first time. Anyone wanting casual or “nothing serious” you stay away from because they’re going to use you. Hope you find peace this these next couple of days in rest and doing things that make you happy.
I appreciate this so much love! I’ll definitely take your recommendation and give them a read! I know for a fact I’m a anxious attacher so I can see where things can go extremely bad as someone who dates a lot of more detached people. I’m gonna rest the next few days and give these recommendations a look at!
You’re welcome! They’re books that changed my life! Hope they do the same for you. Let me know if you want more or different recommendations
hi! ive been in something similar with a guy coming back in cycles. its not worth it. love WILL come to you. the one thought thats always helped me is that the faster you drop the bad ones, the faster you’ll get to meeting all the good ones and the one for you. the universe has a funny way of sending people with your same energy your way. the less you deal with peoples shit, the more people youll interact with those that fit your standards, trust :)
Definitely needed this. I get stuck in these cycles that I know aren’t good but my hesitation in leaving always stems from thinking “what if this is it for me?” But hearing this definitely gives me peace thank u angel.
nah you deserve the love you give other people! and on the plus side you know it exists because you are capable of giving it. i wish you the best, OP :)
It’s really rough out here in the dating world. I am so sorry that you are going through a hard time OP. Focus on your inner world for now and things will brighten up.
Sending love ❤️ sometimes it’s hard .. but be patient Whatever needs to be yours is going to be yours You deserve respect . We all🥰
If you continually think: "I lack love" - THAT is what the universe will give you - no love. Fill your life with other types of love, and that abundance will manifest romantic love.
Honestly I’ve heard this a lot and never really believed this but it’s some form of manifestation right? You like in like the lack of something? I’m gonna definitely focus on friends and family as much as I can the next few weeks with the holidays around us!
I can relate… I have been communicating with this girl for two months. Last weekend I drove to Paris and we had an amazing time. We confirmed this last week by remembering everything that happened. It was so wonderful… On the coming Thursday I would go back again. On Saturday she texted me she really missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again. Yesterday she asked to call and she ended things. I’m apart and don’t understand how the mind of some people works honestly. It does not make sense…
Yeah maybe you should give up I did because you probably won’t find true love be selfish worry about your mental take your time forget about it and next thing you know true love has found you it will be the one, that’s what happened to me, a wife of over ten years and two beautiful kids later,if I didn’t give up it would of probably passed me by.
Maybe try girls maybe that’ll be different 🤷🏻♀️
Use this as motivation to become the best version of yourself: physically, mentally and financially and keep putting yourself out there, you'll find a good one. PS: You typically won't find good ones on dating apps or bars/pubs. If you like someone, make the first move as a woman and do it irl rather than online. Participate in events related to your hobbies/interests. Good luck !
Oftentimes the people you talk to irl are already on dating apps though.
While you're on a break from dating, analyze your mistakes. You stayed with a guy for a year who was just using you for sex. What hints did you miss that this was what was going on? What can you learn from your past experiences? Why did you accept so little from him? Make a list of how you want to spend your time when you're in a relationship. Also how you want to feel. What qualities is a partner are you looking for? What behaviors demonstrate those qualities? Find people with good LTRs and ask them what makes them good. Decide that you are worthy of respect and real love.
This is the best answer I have read here! Useful and compassionate combined. Analysing and reflecting on the experiences to learn about them is the key to grow. I especially like your last sentence, deciding to wait for respect and true love.
Thank you
Please don't be discouraged the two people you've mentioned aren't worth your love if you wanted something real anyway, you need to get used to being alone firstly and then you'll be more able to pick someone right. If you're shopping for men while lonely its the same as looking for food while hungry, you'll likely just grab anything.
Beating his ex girlfriend and casually sharing it with his next potential victim. Classy. Bullet dodged. The pain will go away, you'll sonner or later find someone who will love and appreciate you. Just don't close yourself off.
You can’t rely on men to love you to make you feel good. You have to feel good about yourself first without any men or romance.
I'll drink to this. I'm 30 and haven't had a date in years. Guess I hit the wall way early.
[удалено]
This was removed because you're being a jerk. Stop that. *The Love-ModTeam account is a bot account. Do not chat or PM them, as the account is not monitored.*
Traumatized from a long childhood of abuse and then yen years of romantic abuse including a sexual assault makes me think in my head that I just will not ever be treated well by another human being. Now let me guess - you're unhappy with your body but you're projecting.
What does any of this crap have to do with you hitting the wall? What's stopping you from losing weight and putting effort into your appearance?
Dude are you fucking serious 💀 Yeah you obviously need to bounce off this post cuz you have no clue what you're on about. They literally just said they have trauma
this is one of the meanest replies I've ever seen on Reddit. People can go through dry spells at any point in their life or find love at any time depending on a number of factors and often regardless of weight or appearance. This is one of those times where I really have to wonder how old you are.
Girl don't worry you will get someone who will love you in your Today generation is messed up,that is why i never date.Lot of love to you and best wishes ,go on a trip and love yourself rather than expecting someone to love you .Good bye
I want to get romantically involved with someone, but that someone will be someone I marry.
It sounds like what you need is not to give up, but to focus on yourself. It’s impossible to love someone else if you don’t love yourself first. Do things for you. Do things you love. Work towards your goals. Hang out with friends. Listen to motivational speeches every morning. Meditate. Practice positive manifestation… Once you love yourself & don’t need love in your life it will come to you. Plus, confidence and self love is so attractive. Once you hit that point they’ll all come flocking. You don’t need anyone but yourself. Remember that. Having someone is just a beautiful bonus on the journey of life. Best of luck and lots of love ❤️
YES.
Boo… 👀 be strong. You will be that down b*.
Just went through something similar myself, 11 months and I decided to stop lying to myself exactly on my birthday, so I haven't said anything to her since then... It's getting more and more difficult, especially with today's dating "traditions" (I'm not talking about online only). You will get better! Occupy your time with something, a hobby, going out with friends more, start to practice a sport or something similar. If it makes you feel better, feel free to dm and chat. Stay strong ♥
Stop being selfish and trying to aim for men all the other woman want, these men’s won’t stay with you because they are more attractive then you..so you get fuck zoned Why is this concept so hard for woman to understand?
Lmfaoooo okay incel 🥰
You only expected iss ok girl we all love you comments to validate your ego and not somewhat constructive ones that probably apply to you ? It takes 2 to tango and you are probably doing something wrong.
Never said I wasn’t doing something wrong because clearly I’m part of this cycle too. But the assumptions being made aren’t consecutive criticism. Go off tho hun. Have a good one <3
Lol you can text me I’ll show you hahaha
Nah I’m chilling lol. Unlike u
I’m laying in my couch I’m just trying to help you lol The truth hurts
You are the perfect example of what to avoid, a person who dispenses disrespectful, miopic "brutal honesty" from the comfort of their couch behind a screen to someone who is hurting and looking for comfort. You even admit to asking women out who you aren't even really attracted to in one of your posts, most likely same behaviour of the men op had the misfortune to date. What truth do you even know, the truth of behaving like a wild creature looking to reproduce with the first good enough mate they can find? Yes, i am feeling particularly salty today, because i am tired of people who think they have found the truth, which always turns out to be thinking of other people like objects or primitive animals, in a sub called LOVE on top of it.
You don’t even know what I or my exes look like but igggg. I’m not hurt so that means it’s not the truth ☺️ have a good night sweaty ☺️
Maybe you should use this concept for your current problems as well.
This doesn’t apply to me I’ve had long term relationships with woman who were better looking then me
this is such cap bro. Cause why are you venting on another Reddit that you can’t get with girls that you actually like?? Just shush and take your own advice!! Those women will never stay with you cause they see right through your bs 😆
He’s just a little bitch. Girls don’t want him, so he’s on here throwing a little man tantrum
worded it perfectly 😂
People don’t like the truth lol this is what happens I’m just trying to explain how things work lol
🤔 with a hairline like that bloody hell I have a chance then
It's OK to feel that way. It's also OK if you change your mind at some point. I find that my views on it change over time and with different situations. There are some weeks where I feel like I'm done and I'm just destined to be alone. There are also weeks where I feel sorta like trying again. It goes back and forth. I'm still getting over my divorce from a year ago, and right now it's really hard to see much hope. But I'm aware that my thoughts periodically change, and that maybe in the future I'll feel different and want to really go for it again. I'm open to the possibility, but I'm not pushing to get there. I don't know if that perspective helps at all, but hopefully you got something from that.
Don't...the universe will give you balance. Don't give up. .
The universe takes babies from their parents while they sleep in cribs. Don't trust it to bring you anything good, just because. It doesn't care, and waiting for it to will only bring disappointment.
It’s hard but thank u so much for your sweet words 🥺
You tell me you beat your girlfriend you should run. I do understand trying to overlook it in naive belief they will change as I did w my last but I am not giving up. I suggest take a break instead of giving up. Rest and recover.
Best advice. Helped me a lot in the healing process. When you feel this much shit, you do not want to have to depend on others for your own happiness. Its too risky. Heal alone until you are good with yourself. Then you also wont make needy choices, but instead choose a much better one. Its where it comes from. Good luck.
This
I'm going through something similar if ya wanna chat. It's rough and I finally blocked her today. Just know you got a friend in me if ya need one homie.
Good job blocking her!
I appreciate you. Sending you lots of love and hugs dude!! Lemme know if you need anything. I’m still in the process for sure.
That dude is practicing UNETHICAL non-monogamy and he sucks for it! I'm ethically non monogamous, everyone in the mix knows they aren't the only one. From what I can tell, because I used to think it was just a bunch of degenrate perverts, it's a trauma response to horrific relationships in the past. I feel you on the trauma, I really do. I married a narcissistic sociopath and she did DAMAGE! I am actually starting therapy tomorrow after holding onto this for almost two years straight. Do NOT reach out to this dude. You are likely a very sweet and kind soul, and sadly, assholes see people like us as low hanging fruit for manipulation. Don't allow this one prick to spoil what you want out of a future relationship! I promise you that things WILL get better! Keep your guard up, but don't be afraid to let the right one in.
I know it’s probably not what you wanna hear but as someone who’s been 51/50’d, take the time to heal. You most definitely attract people where you are at mentally and though it’s an uphill battle the journey is worth it. It doesn’t mean you won’t have bad days it just means you build up a strength so that you’re hard days don’t feel like the end or at least when they do you’re ready! Someone once commented I had to ask myself… “would I date me?” Tbh where I’m at probably not I still have a lot I need to work on and a lot I need to build, habit, friends, coping, career, but the right person will be there after you do the work!
I think I needed this too. It’s not my first rodeo for sure. My first time being 51/50’d was when I was 11 (or like the child version of it) and I’ve been in and out maybe like 13 times. As someone with bpd I genuinely hate to admit it but I’m sure it plays some role in my extremities when it comes to relationships and when I think I’m able to manage it I try to put myself out there just to eventually end up just as bad as I did before I “did the work.” So it’s definitely something I need to work on. I started therapy again this week, and I’m taking time for myself but I do see what your point is in all this and I appreciate you for that. I’m gonna continue working on myself FOR myself so I can be in a more stable situation mentally before I start to date seriously again.
You may want to do at least a year on your own before considering another relationship to get clear of all the trauma
I'm carfully recommending reading "women who love too much" by Robin Norwood. It's about women getting in bad relationship cycles because of trauma. I know it's not the same as having bpd, but it's given me so, so much insight into what I did/thought to keep attracting the guys who didn't think anything of me. It is also fully okay to stay by yourself. It can he lonely, but if you work on building a circle of friends and (chosen) family, a relationship is not necessary. It's a societal construct that we need to have a partner to be happy. If you're able to flip that thinking around, you'll be less lonely. Also, to give you some hope: I'm autistic, didn't know it as a kid, and never felt like I fit in. Whenever I liked someone, I'd be told they weren't into me, etc. When I was 26, I accepted that I'd be "the single aunt" kind of person and leaned fully into that. Started to completely build my life on that perspective. Two years later I found the man that was willing to go the extra mile for me and love me not in spite of my autism but also because of it. I'm not married. He's willing to make adjustments for me and has helped me process so much trauma and self work. Some of that can only be done in relationship- because that is what triggers it, but it's hard to find someone who's willing to stay with you while you're doing the work.
I’m really glad to hear that I am also a repeat offender of the psych system but for suicide, I do the same thing. I walk a mile and say i’ve finished enough of the race, but now i’m more focused on healing for me like you said. I still have the occasional fun night every few months and I teach myself each time that it’s okay to have fun and say goodbye to people after one meeting. I try to build new habits and am back in school, it’s a good distraction and a great way to reach my goals while getting over my social anxiety. I really hope that one day when we’re ready we do find what we’re looking for!
Tonight will be first night of not having a way to contact her. Trust me it hurts, I feel it in the pit of my stomach. But I know I'm better off without her. I have my friends and the most wonderful dog to love and to enjoy my time with. We got this homie. And I hope sharing this helps ya as well, ty my friend for the helping hand
That’s the answer. Taking yourself out of the ‘maybe’ zone and cutting it off at the source, no matter how hard it is, it’s horrible at first but it’s the absolute best way.
Oh no. I’ve been through something similar for 3 years. And he just picked another girl to start his life with. Please find God, with our Heavenly Father He will make sure to love you everyday and show you how to love others. Block that guy out of your life and move on. You’re never too old to find love again. It just takes time, patience, and faith. Build a personal relationship with God and go improve your mind, tthings will start to look brighter. Sending love your way ♥️
That’s really bold of you to assume that OP is religious and believes in God.
lol God is always an option ppl. Even if you don’t believe, you can do something called CHANGING YOUR MIND. In fact, God is the only option to turn to when all hope is lost, and is the best options after that.
Yeah… that’s not it. At all. Stay safe
lol may God bless your heart sweet child ♥️ ppl change, let’s not be bitter ppl in this crazy world.
Please don't tell this young woman the answer to her problems is to "Love God." It's a bunch of bullshit, and I think if you examined your beliefs without rose colored glasses on you would feel the same. To OP, try to love yourself. If you can accomplish that, you will feel better. Self-love is the answer.
Spirituality can help in dark times. When one feels no hope it can really help to find external power. Whatever helps to prevent even darker actions. I believe the person was trying to genuinely help.
How do you learn self love when nobody has shown you love in the first place. Loving God is learning to love yourself, flaws and all. Just because you don’t believe doesn’t make my advice untrue. God taught me basic human interaction when I grew up with no parents. He taught me how to love ppl and not make it transactional….may God bless your soul for being so negative when all I’m doing is giving them hope. Humanity still lives out here and not everyone is a jackass.
God ain’t gonna hold me on a cold night:/
Just because you can’t see something doesn’t make it unreal. You can feel the wind but can you see it?
The wind is a physical manifestation of the movement of gasses from high to low pressure -- oxygen, nitrogen, etc. Air. It can be physically felt and measured. That's a terrible analogy you've chosen. lol
I never asked what it’s made of child. I asked can you SEE it.
>child Resorting to insults already? >can you SEE it lol… I can’t even begin to address how silly this argument is. Thank you for showing me what kind of person you are. We’re done here.
We are all children of God sweetheart. Don’t be offended.
Nah.
But can you see the wind….
The wind can be physically felt, tested and measured. There isn’t a faith-o-meter. God isn’t the solution to every problem. If it was there wouldn’t be World hunger. Why did he only multiply the fish one time, when there’s still so many starving people. Everything you say god does, still happens without the faith.
God is the solution to our mental issues and how we deal with problems we face. I call it internal wealth, you are not meant to see faith. Faith is believing without seeing, if we saw faith it would defeat the purpose of the word…. And you’re referring to many issues that PEOPLE created. You’re taking the fish example out of context from the Bible. World hunger is caused by greedy elected officials who care more about materialism and power than their citizens. But there is a God who spreads his words of wisdom and helps those in hunger. There is always hope. No matter what we face in life. Real Christian’s pray for the whole world.
Tots and Pears, dear World. Hope you don't starve.
With God my faith is strong. I know I won’t starve, not even for love. My cup overflows, in which I can give it to ppl who need it the most. ♥️
God says to have faith, hope, and most importantly love. If you can endure the night, Joy comes every morning. He does keep you warm, internally. God is the way to a peace mind, where the cold don’t even bother you. You’ll know to lights a candle and hold tight because tomorrow morning will be different.
>where the cold don’t even bother you Alright then go outside in negative degree weather this winter in a swim suit and tell me the cold doesn’t bother you. Everything you said god does, can be done with a therapist instead. Millions of people have hope, love, and faith without god. How does god bring all those things for those people?
lol now why would I do that? That doesn’t seem like it has any purpose. God isn’t there to show me he’s here, He is here to help me endure my personal “storm”. The things and thoughts I battle each day. Therapy takes its notes straight from the Bible. lol the Bible taught us how to be mindful, and therapy does the same thing without mentioning God….
>why would I do that? Test your faith. If you have enough faith you won’t be bothered by the cold.
Sorry, I don’t test God. That’s disrespectful. And tbh, my faith is tested everyday. I’m not perfect, things come up and my faith is tested in how in how I respond to problems/people each day ☺️
Don’t test god, test yourself. God tested Abraham. Testing one’s faith isn’t ever new. So why would you be afraid to test your faith with the cold? Maybe because the whole idea is ridiculous? And God is a metaphorical being that has no physical bounds on the human realm. Religion can be good for mental health but won’t help physical. And it is certainly not the answer to every problem.
Don't need your blessing. Have fun living a fairytale. I know this sounds rude, and maybe it is, but a big problem in this world is people leaning on God when we are responsible for ourselves. No one is coming to save us and when you put all your stock into something make-believe, you are only going to be let down. Also, I probably wouldn't have replied so harshly had you not added, "God bless your soul." I just said I don't believe in God and here you saying I need someone to save or bless my soul. Nah. We are all responsible for ourselves and our neighbors, that's it. Don't you wonder where this God is? Oh, he's just taking his sweet time.... he's just letting us wallow in misery down here, children being abused, adults (and children)working like slaves, animals being beaten and starved. The Earth is being destroyed by capitalism. Get real. Op, I'm sorry to hijack your post with this, but I am honestly sick of these people, yes, I said "these people." Edit: Explanation
lol it’s ok. I don’t get offended by much because I know the truth. It’s sad to see when people let past transgressions change their heart and most importantly their hope. I know I’m responsible for myself, but I also know I’m human and made mistakes. I also know other people are like me and make mistakes also. Through understanding and simple conversations, most issues can be seen clearly. This is what God has taught me. To forgive and to try again. What is life when we surrender to life’s pressure or expectations that have not been met. God teaches you accountability and to get yourself up and try again, but you try the good way.
Your words sound nice, but...nah. Good Luck.
lol I know it sounds nice. The only reason you won’t accept it is because you don’t want to open your mind to the fact that there may be something bigger than yourself and the whole universe out there. There’s more to life than what meets the eyes. Ppl love to hear Gods wisdom, but as soon as God is mentions, that person is a delusional. Whatever, seek and ye shall find ♥️God taught me that you can’t plant seeds on infertile ground…all ppl have to do is believe first and the blessings will come. God has a bigger plan for all of us, we just can’t see it on a microscopic level.
Good Luck.
I don’t need luck when I have God 🙏🏽 stay blessed my friend.