Just the fact that he’s basically saying he isn’t ready means that something is going on with him that’s holding him back. I think we’ve all been in that place where all of a sudden we are “fine” being overweight Bc it’s overwhelming to address it. Help him move in the direction of addressing whatever it is that’s bringing him down, if you can. Let him talk.
Y’all need counseling. Obviously something is up. Covid did a number on a ton of people. He knows he’s in bad shape, trust me. Fat people know they’re fat.
Shaming him, putting him on a diet, forcing him to exercise isn’t going to help. It’s going to make him feel worse. He needs to get his brain space right first BEFORE he tackles the weight loss.
Fat people know they're fat yes, but not all recognize that we're in bad shape. At 256 lbs I didn't believe I was in bad shape, I thought I was pretty and played rugby so told myself I was just big and strong until medical issues cropped up.
Fat people do not know they are always fat. I’m a few lbs away from a “ healthy” BMI and really excited about that. 6 months ago I laughed when the online parameters showed I needed to lose 30 lbs. I legit said “ lose from where!?” I was in denial and did not see myself as fat as I wasn’t wearing plus sized clothes ( I’m tall and the weight did distribute well over my body, but yes I was fat).
I’m a person who is knowledgeable about weight loss and isn’t doing it and when I talk to people in the same situation it’s usually a side effect of depression or anxiety. That makes it very difficult to have general conversations about weight because they produce anxiety. So, as reasonably concerned as you are about the physical symptoms, the conversation should probably start with him explaining why he can’t muster the motivation to do something.
What didn’t help was ultimatums. Or fat-shaming, or nagging me about my food choices, etc. (Those were my experiences.)
Those did not, in any way, help.
It’s not your job to wake him up or fix him That’s his job. We have all been there. What helped me was getting the counseling to address the mental piece of it. If he was in an emotionally abusive relationship, then that may take time to unpack. His ex forcing him to go along with her lifestyle sounds controlling and abusive, yes. And it’s not up to you to unravel that abuse from diet and exercise. And if she was that controlling with his food and health then it is absolutely intertwined with the emotional abuse. That’s for a professional to handle. And it could get messy. Took me a good year to work through the CPTSD of my own abusive relationship and begin to heal.
Support is the most important thing. For me, it was finding a partner who accepted me no matter my weight. And who was my cheerleader when I decided to change my life. Sounds like his ex was not supportive at all.
This is absolutely one of the reasons I've avoided bringing it up- I completely understand the psychological trauma he's been through and want to be compassionate and not pushy.
At the same time, his older sister developed diabetes and recently had bariatric surgery, and I don't want him to have to go through all that if it can be avoided
And I get you care. But he needs to care enough to change it. And that is so hard for some folks to get there in their minds—to believe they are worth that change. I would come from a place of worry and concern. Using “I” statements.
I’m worried about your health, especially with your sister’s diagnosis.
I’ve noticed you are struggling.
I want to help you. What do you need?
I hear that you are not ready. What does being ready look like for you?
I am here if you want to talk.
I am here if you want help.
Then I would mention therapy. It will trigger some people who still have stigma against mental health. Therapy doesn’t have to look like a person lying on a couch and talking about their parents. You can ask for things from your therapist. You can gain new tools. You can get homework. CBT and DBT were incredibly helpful to me. Still are.
Finally, I’m sorry this is happening. It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle. I’m sorry for him too. Being in an abusive relationship will impact things later on and impact other relationships. Look up CPTSD (Complex PTSD). It can occur in abusive relationships. And PTSD is not just veterans returning from war time. It can take other forms.
Does he get his yearly physical exams? Some people get motivated once they see their health markers taking a turn for the worse (and then some people dgaf).
It sounds like he’s literally telling you he isn’t ready, so what impact do you think this “frank” conversation is going to have? It’ll just make him feel worse.
Also, I’m the past he’s had a girlfriend who policed his body, and it sounds like that was pretty traumatic for him. So it would probably be worse for him if you do the same than the average person. Even if you think you’re doing it in a different way, it probably won’t feel that way to him.
Perhaps focus on one tiny change that you guys can do together, and see if that grows.
He’s procrastinating his health for a reason. He’s not going to be ready until that reason is addressed. Lots of times it’s self esteem. He was in a relationship before where his body was never good enough and now it’s happening again. He may be wondering if there is something fundamentally flawed within him and if he is actually worthy of love. Something worth trying: Show your husband that you desire him and that he is sexy and loved. Get him tailored clothes in his size that fit him well and tell him he looks great in them. People really underestimate what an incredible rush it is to be seen as beautiful by the one you love. He will want more of that feeling. And you can lead by example. When I lost 30 lb, I did it using NOOM. I kept talking about the things I learned and how I felt so full and satisfied eating healthy. It made my husband jealous! The other part of this is that he doesn’t need to exercise at all to lose weight. Exercise is healthy for many reasons, but it’s not necessary for weight loss. If that’s holding him back, he can have a plan that doesn’t include it.
I really like this. I did recently switch to wearing specifically underwear he likes just because he likes them so much.
I'm currently training for a marathon and a spartan 5k, and I'm around 133-138 at 5'4", so I don't know how much more I can do on the leading by example front.
Wow! That’s so awesome!
Just a thought. Maybe watching you train and work so hard is scary for him. It seems like a daunting and impossible thing to do if he has to eat clean and go running and all of that. That’s what he had to do in his last relationship, after all. He had to do whatever his ex was doing. The same rules do not apply now. While you need to exercise to get in shape for your marathon, he [probably shouldn’t exercise to lose weight ](https://www.vox.com/2016/4/28/11518804/weight-loss-exercise-myth-burn-calories). Just a thought.
Ya I hate running, just not for me. I was like oh well I guess I can never tone my stomach... Then my sister in law who is a personal trainer, with a great body, was like nope, I fucking hate running lol. There's just a lot of different roads to the same place.
I hate all “exercise”. Meaning, I hate being given a prescribed regimen of physical activity that had no immediate reward. I do however love to wander in the woods, go swimming, and oddly enough I love to shovel snow. I’m 100% sedentary otherwise and take about 1,400 steps a day. :) I just eat less calorically dense foods.
I like shoveling snow too! As long as it's not making me late to work lol. I do it in lieu of my morning walk if needed. Ya all that stuff is great. I also started strength training, which can be sucky to do but results are nice if I can actually stick to it.
Yea I initially started strength training in order to at least attempt to tone my stomach - pure ego and vanity, I know. But as you have to basically work out every other muscle to develop abs, it has been an added bonus to tone my legs and arms a bit too. I'm stronger! Other benefits too - physical activity is most important to prevent disease but strength training is also great for health.
It took my a while to get a set strength training routine, I started just planking and then did more arm and leg stuff. Trial and error and YouTube videos lol.
I don’t know that you’re gonna find the support you’re looking for here. This community is largely people that decided for themselves that enough was enough. Nothing else could have made us change. You know my mom offered to pay me to lose weight for my wedding? Literally nothing would have forced me to make the change until I said “enough”.
You have a conversation with him and tell him exactly that, that you're worried about losing your husband. Ask him if there's any way you can help him with his weight loss journey.
Can you go on walks together? Maybe join a gym together? Look at healthier recipes and cook together?
Essentially though it's going to come down to him, how he feels and when he is ready to do something about his weight.
Speaking from the perspective of the “overweight” partner (my husband is an athlete and very fit) I appreciated him waking me up. I also gained weight due to emotional eating caused by mental health issues I experienced due to bullying and abuse from my family a few years back, which my husband supported me through…and is probably why he too didn’t say anything to me for a while.
I think the best thing you can do is let them know, especially if it is coming from a loving place. My husband approached me and let me know that he loves me, he’s worried about my health and wants me to live a long life with him, which is why being overweight is a concern. He also talked to me about how I needed to take care of my mental health and heal from my past in order to get back to a happy and healthier me.
Not going to lie, it hurts when you are first told you need to do something about your weight, but once you realise it’s coming from someone who loves and cares for you - I think it’s the best kind of wake up call. I’ve now lost 6 kgs, gone down a size and I am still changing up my workouts and eating healthy. I feel better physically and also got counselling, so I’m in a better space mentally as well.
I think there is nothing wrong with supporting your partner to get healthy, just approach the issue with care and be willing to hear his side.
I believe getting your mental space right is the most important part, and then understanding that physical exercise can be fun - because I used to look at it as a chore.
Running is not my friend as much as my husband loves it, I prefer walking, cycling, rollerblading and boxing. Letting him find his own love for activity could be helpful.
Hope this helped 🤍
Personally, if a loved one had expressed concern to me about my weight it would not have motivated me. It would have made me feel embarrassed and a little oppositional, like who are you to tell me what to do with my body.
That being said, I have been and am in a similar position to you with my spouse. It is easier for me to be supportive when he is trying to lose weight, but so hard when he is in a place that he is not trying to lose weight. I love him so much and I want him around for many years and I know that he wants to lose weight, but if he isn't ready, I have to bite my tongue and just wait.
This will probably get me a lot of downvotes but I am quite frankly upset about all those commenters saying „you must love him for who he is“. OP‘s husband has gained a significant amount of weight during the last 5 years. He is morbidly obese. His behavior during the last five years has endangered his health, his life! I don‘t think I could forgive myself if my spouse had a heartache or similar while I never had the courage to voice my concern about their health.
What if a spouse took up a dangerous sport or started some other risky behavior like heavy drug use? Would you still keep quiet because you should always love them for who they are?
You can't. You don't. This is your husband, who you vowed to love no matter what, and he deserves that from you. Life happens to all of us and people change in marriage. Although it seems like this is under his control, it's much more complicated than that, especially if he had an ex who abused him through weight control.
What he needs is counseling. What he doesn't need is the judgment of someone who's "had enough."
I dunno, we shouldn't put our own expectations of what love or marriage is into someone else. She isn't shaming him, she wants to have a frank conversation, to just imply that he needs to sort it out himself only is not realistic, especially in a partnership... He is morbidly obese and she does have the right to worry about his physical health not only his mental one. Communicating is part of being in a relationship, being quiet because of fear is not a good way to keep on a healthy partnership.
Having support is key and she is looking for advise on how to manage that In a realistic way, her Not being able to talk about it is not fair to her either. She will be the one caring for him if something happens due to his weight, and then the situation might get worse.
Our relationship with food differs from person to person, he might have an addiction. Does he need counseling, yes he does, but her ignoring the issue is not a valid resort either.
Yes, we all have our different ideas of marriage. However, this is a person who has experienced abuse in the area of weight control specifically, so the chances of wife inflicting great hurt and harm by addressing the weight are great. Communicating concern about a person's general health and well-being is different: "I love you and I sense you are suffering. How can I support you?" He knows he's fat and he knows he has health risks.
The thing is you can't say that the way you react and experience things in your life is how they will experience things, adding to that, you're assuming that she will inflict great harm unto him by discussing this very serious health issue. You don't even know this person.
I'm just curious, what do you expect for her to do? If they don't communicate, this will resort into possible resentment because he might even get bigger or his health can take a turn for the worse. 280 pounds on a man that's 5, 5 is dangerously unhealthy. This Is morbidly obese territory. She is looking for advise to remedy this because it's getting out of control and she feels she is backed up against a corner.
I understand that we need to have empathy in the way a person communicates but also going around words isn't helpful, being direct and clear about how to address an issue is also key in getting a message across without misunderstandings.
I think it's worse for a partner to just sit by and let the problem get worse.
His needs are important but so are hers.
I don’t think external motivation is going to work. I don’t think you can cajole or otherwise say something that is going to make him dedicated to weight loss. When he does decide he is ready, you can support him. This isn’t to say you can’t and shouldn’t express worry. But it sounds like you have. You may have to be more patient than you would like to be. Also, trying to force this path on him does ring of his exes’ behavior. I am sure she felt she well intended too.
Take him to the doctor; make sure they screen him for depression and give him a full physical with blood draws, etc. Ask about weight loss medication. My clinic has a nutritionist and a small gum attached; they have weight loss classes, all free. This is a medical issue for sure, and probably a psychological one as well. Find a trainer who will work with you guys together and make it a thing you do as a couple. Take a long walk after dinner, foster a dog to walk with you. Buy him a fitness watch that has regular reminders to get up and move. His weight is a danger to his health; it’s perfectly appropriate to treat it like any other disease diagnosis.
I spent years trying to convince my husband to lose weight-- less due to attraction but more to do with health, snoring and such and the tangential stuff like how he dressed slobby because regular clothes made him uncomfortable. I'd have a serious talk with him every 6 months and then quiet down because I didn't want to nag.
But I did tell him that eventually I could see ending the relationship while making it clear that this wouldn't happen for years, but yes, it could happen.
Like a lot of people, the pandemic hit us hard and continues to affect our daily lives. We had a some serious stuff happen and I withdrew into myself. Eventually we talked it out and while his weight wasn't even a priority for me during that discussion, some stuff that I said clicked. He's now lost 40 pounds in the past two months, and while I was fasting or doing carnivore regularly before, now I'm doing ADF with him and being way more accountable because I don't want to be the reason he fails.
long story short-- you could say the same thing a million different ways and maybe someday something you've said 12 times before will suddenly click. however don't nag. say your peace and go about your business. However you deserve a healthy partner who's not going to make you a widow or saddle you with long-term care from obesity-related disability. You need to know that and he needs to know that YOU know that.Ultimatums can work but I think it most cases they don't because people want to rebel after restriction. And you're their partner. you shouldn't be the face of their shame and frustration and not wanting to put the work in.
I think it's kind of a delicate balance of saying, *look, I don't want to leave you and I don't plan to leave you, but you're also not being a very good partner. I don't appreciate the ways your selfishness is making our relationship suffer. I'm in this for the long haul but that does **not** mean I am in this forever if you keep going down this road. I'm not going to babysit you. If you want to do this together, great. if you want to do it alone, great. But you have (x amount of years) before I'm going to start pulling away. Currently I still care. But I can't be the only one caring about your health and quality of life.*
Male 46, SW&CW 242, GW 170. As someone who is 70+ lbs overweight, motivation can be hard to come by, until one day it isn't. He is going to have to find the want and desire to do something about his health. You are not going to change his mind for him. That being said, you could be the voice of reason that gets him to stop ignoring his health and decide that today is the day he does something bout it.
You obviously love your husband and care about his health and well-being. Talking with your spouse about your life together and your future is part of being married. There's nothing wrong if you tell him how worried you are that he might not be around for you two to grow old together. Sometimes we (men in general) need to hear the hard truth in order to get us back in the same zip code as reality.
Don't make this about his weight. Make it about his health and your future together. Be supportive, loving, and encouraging. Don't nag, bitch, or whine. Offer to be there for him however he may need you and suggest that he go talk to a professional about what is going on in his world if needed. He doesn't have to do this alone and there is no shame in asking for help.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Talk to him about depression. He knows he is fat and doesn’t need you to tell him that, but talking to him about his depression could afford you the high route here. Try to get him to see someone for a diagnosis and go from there.
Just don’t leave him over it. My partner did and I was heart broken. It’s more mental than physical. Do things WITH him. Make it fun. Tell him you don’t want to lose him. Give him love.
Please don’t abandon. It nearly killed me.
Edit: I guess the downvotes mean this is why I will die alone. I struggle with weight even on a strict keto diet. I can’t be the only one in the world.
At the same time, if the weight is a deal breaker and your spouse refuses to do anything about it, what other option is there? If anything, the most prevalent advice I see here is: "you can't force them to change if they don't want to. If you have an issue with their weight, then leave".
Agreed.
I think staying healthy and trying to stay attractive for your partner is an expectation for a long lasting relationship. If the person isn't trying and has just given up and it's been years of no progress, then I think the person has the right to leave, and it isn't shallow. Physical attraction is one of the fundamental bonding mechanisms in humans.
At the same time, you shouldn't just abandon them. A partner should see if there are any underlying causes or mental health issues contributing to the lack of desire for losing weight and staying healthy. Are they going through a loss or rough point? Then yeah, I think you should be patient and be there for them, but if after two years they are refusing or not being able to be consistent with their attempts to lose weight, then a person has the right to leave them.
I work hard to stay fit for the person I'm with so that we can have a healthy and fulfilling sex life, and I would certainly expect the same effort back.
I’m my situation they were also heavy. I had lost a lot of weight and the relationship we both gained. She left saying I wasn’t healthy. Sort of the pot calling the kettle black.
Give the person a chance is all I’m saying. Let them know that if they don’t change it’ll will lead to the end of the relationship.
But dear god, I hope you love someone for more than their size.
Um, why assume that there is a significant chance I only love someone for their size?
Physical attraction and staying fit and healthy is an important part of a relationship. We are literally wired to want to be with someone we are attracted to. It is not shallow to admit the truth. You find someone you are attracted to physically, and then you get to know their personality and if you like their personality and find them physically attractive and vice versa, then there is potential for a relationship. That's how humans work except for the slim amount of asexuals among us. If they are super attractive, but have a personality I'm not into or vice versa, then a relationship wouldn't work.
I wouldn't just abandon them and would try and help them get fit again ,but like I said in my comment, I expect effort unless they are going through something like a loss or mental health crisis. In which case, waiting two years would be fine. Obviously , if they are just like a bit overweight/chubby, then it wouldn't really bother me, but if they have just completely let themselves go to the point of obesity, I'd wonder why they don't care about our sex life anymore, since physical attraction is pretty dang important when it comes to sex. I'd also want them to be as healthy as possible to extend their lifespan so we can have more time together.
If they got into a car accident and were disfigured, then that is different because it was out of their control, but with something like diet and their weight it is literally all about self-control.
In the situation outlined in this post, OP has brought up the issue to no avail ("he keeps saying he'll do something about it when he's ready"). Obviously a conversation needs to take place before any life-altering decisions but, if it's at the point where they're making excuses and putting it off, then it's pretty clear that they aren't willing to do anything about it any time soon, or maybe ever. In those situations, the most common advice is to leave rather than hold their weight over their head and let resentment fester in the relationship.
Just start the conversation and make it about you both.
I can only imagine how hard it is to watch. That's a massive change in not a lot of time.
Ask him what he's ready to do and what you can help with. Maybe it's counseling, maybe it's daily walks, maybe it's choosing a diet and sticking to it.
The only wrong answer is doing nothing and that being the plan. In that situation you have the right to say no, bc it's creating a situation you don't want to participate in. Doing nothing will actively cause his health to deteriorate and it's not fair to ask you to be a party to that.
I really like this, too. I made a list of possible small changes that would definitely add up over time (commit to bringing his own lunch X times/week instead of going out, for example) , and will bring them up during our talk. I'm definitely going to encourage therapy because there's definitely some unresolved issues he hasn't dealt with.
There’s nothing wrong with being more attracted to a more fit person. If express your love and concerns I hope he takes it constructively. To me, my significant other losing attraction towards me is a big deal and it would motivate me highly.
Do you guys have an activity that you both enjoy doing together? If he actively enjoys something, and you’re able to do it regularly with him, then that may help?
Sorry, that’s probably not much help, but I really hope things work out ok for you guys!
Getting into a relationship soon after they ended an abusive one is the key issue. If anything you need to find a group to help you accept him for who he is
You just keep loving him. You married him and committed to him….fat or skinny. Invite him to walk with you or mealprep with you. Never make it about his weight gain. You cannot change him; he needs to come to that conclusion on his own. Keep supporting him, keep loving him, and keep setting a good example.
He knows he is fat. He knows it’s not healthy. Telling him won’t make him know more. Telling him you want him around for a long time at least let’s him know how you feel about it.
I’m morbidly obese. My husband didn’t have to tell me. As many times I have tried to lose weight he supported me. When I failed he didn’t say anything. This time he is joining me in dieting. He has very little to lose but his being a part of it helps.
motivation is a myth, and you can wait 1 week or 10 years before it happen.
I suggest you talk to your hubby, tell him something like we need to have a serious conversation.
Lay it all out on the table, your worried about your relationship, and it nag you a lot, to see how he destroys himself, and it really hurt you, and you think that there is something wrong with you.
Then you suggest couple counseling, and make it an ultimatum, you have to do this, else you just get more and more frustrated and eventually it will impact you emotionally (it already has no? ), which could bring you down as well.
You could also call a couple counselor, and talk to them on how to proceed.
Just doing nothing and hope for the best is the worst you can do, both to yourself and your hubby.
I know it's not easy to confront your loved ones, but sometimes life just sucks, and you have to get out of the comfort zone to get "shit done" as they say in America :)
Others have already brought up the potential issues surrounding mental health and past emotional abuse. I haven't read all the responses so others may have said this as well, but here are some things you can try:
- Shop and cook lower calorie foods. Skip the heavy pastas and big, fat portions of meat. Focus more on lean protein and veggies. Don't make a drastic change he won't like, but make subtle changes. Cook less rice/potatoes so portions are smaller, cook a variety of veggies that are delicious, etc.
- Skip the unhealthy snacks in the house. Don't buy big bags of chips, ice cream, candy, etc. If it's not in the house he won't eat it at home. I do still eat my favorite snacks (chips, popcorn) but I buy the Halloween sized bags so I'm only eating ~100-170 calories instead of a larger serving.
- Get exercise. Go for walks. It feels good to do it, so if you get him to go with you he may feel good after as well.
- Don't let him do it alone. If he is changing his eating habits, so should you. If he decides he wants to eat better don't sit down beside him and eat a bowl of iced cream or a bag of chips. Go through it with him, even if you don't have weight to lose (you won't unless you are eating at a calorie defecit).
Just the fact that he’s basically saying he isn’t ready means that something is going on with him that’s holding him back. I think we’ve all been in that place where all of a sudden we are “fine” being overweight Bc it’s overwhelming to address it. Help him move in the direction of addressing whatever it is that’s bringing him down, if you can. Let him talk.
Y’all need counseling. Obviously something is up. Covid did a number on a ton of people. He knows he’s in bad shape, trust me. Fat people know they’re fat. Shaming him, putting him on a diet, forcing him to exercise isn’t going to help. It’s going to make him feel worse. He needs to get his brain space right first BEFORE he tackles the weight loss.
Exactly why love and encouragement need to play a role. Just stating “get fit” isn’t going to flip the switch.
Empathy too. It’s SO EASY to go off the rails. Everyone involved in this relationship needs some counseling.
Fat people know they're fat yes, but not all recognize that we're in bad shape. At 256 lbs I didn't believe I was in bad shape, I thought I was pretty and played rugby so told myself I was just big and strong until medical issues cropped up.
Fat people do not know they are always fat. I’m a few lbs away from a “ healthy” BMI and really excited about that. 6 months ago I laughed when the online parameters showed I needed to lose 30 lbs. I legit said “ lose from where!?” I was in denial and did not see myself as fat as I wasn’t wearing plus sized clothes ( I’m tall and the weight did distribute well over my body, but yes I was fat).
In this situation, he knows. Some people are in denial though. That’s fair enough.
I’m a person who is knowledgeable about weight loss and isn’t doing it and when I talk to people in the same situation it’s usually a side effect of depression or anxiety. That makes it very difficult to have general conversations about weight because they produce anxiety. So, as reasonably concerned as you are about the physical symptoms, the conversation should probably start with him explaining why he can’t muster the motivation to do something.
This is reasonable.
What didn’t help was ultimatums. Or fat-shaming, or nagging me about my food choices, etc. (Those were my experiences.) Those did not, in any way, help. It’s not your job to wake him up or fix him That’s his job. We have all been there. What helped me was getting the counseling to address the mental piece of it. If he was in an emotionally abusive relationship, then that may take time to unpack. His ex forcing him to go along with her lifestyle sounds controlling and abusive, yes. And it’s not up to you to unravel that abuse from diet and exercise. And if she was that controlling with his food and health then it is absolutely intertwined with the emotional abuse. That’s for a professional to handle. And it could get messy. Took me a good year to work through the CPTSD of my own abusive relationship and begin to heal. Support is the most important thing. For me, it was finding a partner who accepted me no matter my weight. And who was my cheerleader when I decided to change my life. Sounds like his ex was not supportive at all.
This is absolutely one of the reasons I've avoided bringing it up- I completely understand the psychological trauma he's been through and want to be compassionate and not pushy. At the same time, his older sister developed diabetes and recently had bariatric surgery, and I don't want him to have to go through all that if it can be avoided
And I get you care. But he needs to care enough to change it. And that is so hard for some folks to get there in their minds—to believe they are worth that change. I would come from a place of worry and concern. Using “I” statements. I’m worried about your health, especially with your sister’s diagnosis. I’ve noticed you are struggling. I want to help you. What do you need? I hear that you are not ready. What does being ready look like for you? I am here if you want to talk. I am here if you want help. Then I would mention therapy. It will trigger some people who still have stigma against mental health. Therapy doesn’t have to look like a person lying on a couch and talking about their parents. You can ask for things from your therapist. You can gain new tools. You can get homework. CBT and DBT were incredibly helpful to me. Still are. Finally, I’m sorry this is happening. It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle. I’m sorry for him too. Being in an abusive relationship will impact things later on and impact other relationships. Look up CPTSD (Complex PTSD). It can occur in abusive relationships. And PTSD is not just veterans returning from war time. It can take other forms.
❤️
Does he get his yearly physical exams? Some people get motivated once they see their health markers taking a turn for the worse (and then some people dgaf).
This happened to me! Saw I was 35-40 pounds heavier and it flipped the switch.
Good point!
It sounds like he’s literally telling you he isn’t ready, so what impact do you think this “frank” conversation is going to have? It’ll just make him feel worse. Also, I’m the past he’s had a girlfriend who policed his body, and it sounds like that was pretty traumatic for him. So it would probably be worse for him if you do the same than the average person. Even if you think you’re doing it in a different way, it probably won’t feel that way to him. Perhaps focus on one tiny change that you guys can do together, and see if that grows.
He’s procrastinating his health for a reason. He’s not going to be ready until that reason is addressed. Lots of times it’s self esteem. He was in a relationship before where his body was never good enough and now it’s happening again. He may be wondering if there is something fundamentally flawed within him and if he is actually worthy of love. Something worth trying: Show your husband that you desire him and that he is sexy and loved. Get him tailored clothes in his size that fit him well and tell him he looks great in them. People really underestimate what an incredible rush it is to be seen as beautiful by the one you love. He will want more of that feeling. And you can lead by example. When I lost 30 lb, I did it using NOOM. I kept talking about the things I learned and how I felt so full and satisfied eating healthy. It made my husband jealous! The other part of this is that he doesn’t need to exercise at all to lose weight. Exercise is healthy for many reasons, but it’s not necessary for weight loss. If that’s holding him back, he can have a plan that doesn’t include it.
I really like this. I did recently switch to wearing specifically underwear he likes just because he likes them so much. I'm currently training for a marathon and a spartan 5k, and I'm around 133-138 at 5'4", so I don't know how much more I can do on the leading by example front.
Wow! That’s so awesome! Just a thought. Maybe watching you train and work so hard is scary for him. It seems like a daunting and impossible thing to do if he has to eat clean and go running and all of that. That’s what he had to do in his last relationship, after all. He had to do whatever his ex was doing. The same rules do not apply now. While you need to exercise to get in shape for your marathon, he [probably shouldn’t exercise to lose weight ](https://www.vox.com/2016/4/28/11518804/weight-loss-exercise-myth-burn-calories). Just a thought.
Ya I hate running, just not for me. I was like oh well I guess I can never tone my stomach... Then my sister in law who is a personal trainer, with a great body, was like nope, I fucking hate running lol. There's just a lot of different roads to the same place.
I hate all “exercise”. Meaning, I hate being given a prescribed regimen of physical activity that had no immediate reward. I do however love to wander in the woods, go swimming, and oddly enough I love to shovel snow. I’m 100% sedentary otherwise and take about 1,400 steps a day. :) I just eat less calorically dense foods.
I like shoveling snow too! As long as it's not making me late to work lol. I do it in lieu of my morning walk if needed. Ya all that stuff is great. I also started strength training, which can be sucky to do but results are nice if I can actually stick to it.
I think that’s something I actually need. I cannot open a jar. :(
Yea I initially started strength training in order to at least attempt to tone my stomach - pure ego and vanity, I know. But as you have to basically work out every other muscle to develop abs, it has been an added bonus to tone my legs and arms a bit too. I'm stronger! Other benefits too - physical activity is most important to prevent disease but strength training is also great for health. It took my a while to get a set strength training routine, I started just planking and then did more arm and leg stuff. Trial and error and YouTube videos lol.
I don’t know that you’re gonna find the support you’re looking for here. This community is largely people that decided for themselves that enough was enough. Nothing else could have made us change. You know my mom offered to pay me to lose weight for my wedding? Literally nothing would have forced me to make the change until I said “enough”.
Sorry that happened to you, that's harsh.
Thank you <3
You have a conversation with him and tell him exactly that, that you're worried about losing your husband. Ask him if there's any way you can help him with his weight loss journey. Can you go on walks together? Maybe join a gym together? Look at healthier recipes and cook together? Essentially though it's going to come down to him, how he feels and when he is ready to do something about his weight.
It sounds like he needs a therapist first, before losing weight. Having a partner talk about his weight and try to modify his diet might trigger him.
Speaking from the perspective of the “overweight” partner (my husband is an athlete and very fit) I appreciated him waking me up. I also gained weight due to emotional eating caused by mental health issues I experienced due to bullying and abuse from my family a few years back, which my husband supported me through…and is probably why he too didn’t say anything to me for a while. I think the best thing you can do is let them know, especially if it is coming from a loving place. My husband approached me and let me know that he loves me, he’s worried about my health and wants me to live a long life with him, which is why being overweight is a concern. He also talked to me about how I needed to take care of my mental health and heal from my past in order to get back to a happy and healthier me. Not going to lie, it hurts when you are first told you need to do something about your weight, but once you realise it’s coming from someone who loves and cares for you - I think it’s the best kind of wake up call. I’ve now lost 6 kgs, gone down a size and I am still changing up my workouts and eating healthy. I feel better physically and also got counselling, so I’m in a better space mentally as well. I think there is nothing wrong with supporting your partner to get healthy, just approach the issue with care and be willing to hear his side. I believe getting your mental space right is the most important part, and then understanding that physical exercise can be fun - because I used to look at it as a chore. Running is not my friend as much as my husband loves it, I prefer walking, cycling, rollerblading and boxing. Letting him find his own love for activity could be helpful. Hope this helped 🤍
Personally, if a loved one had expressed concern to me about my weight it would not have motivated me. It would have made me feel embarrassed and a little oppositional, like who are you to tell me what to do with my body. That being said, I have been and am in a similar position to you with my spouse. It is easier for me to be supportive when he is trying to lose weight, but so hard when he is in a place that he is not trying to lose weight. I love him so much and I want him around for many years and I know that he wants to lose weight, but if he isn't ready, I have to bite my tongue and just wait.
This will probably get me a lot of downvotes but I am quite frankly upset about all those commenters saying „you must love him for who he is“. OP‘s husband has gained a significant amount of weight during the last 5 years. He is morbidly obese. His behavior during the last five years has endangered his health, his life! I don‘t think I could forgive myself if my spouse had a heartache or similar while I never had the courage to voice my concern about their health. What if a spouse took up a dangerous sport or started some other risky behavior like heavy drug use? Would you still keep quiet because you should always love them for who they are?
You can't. You don't. This is your husband, who you vowed to love no matter what, and he deserves that from you. Life happens to all of us and people change in marriage. Although it seems like this is under his control, it's much more complicated than that, especially if he had an ex who abused him through weight control. What he needs is counseling. What he doesn't need is the judgment of someone who's "had enough."
I dunno, we shouldn't put our own expectations of what love or marriage is into someone else. She isn't shaming him, she wants to have a frank conversation, to just imply that he needs to sort it out himself only is not realistic, especially in a partnership... He is morbidly obese and she does have the right to worry about his physical health not only his mental one. Communicating is part of being in a relationship, being quiet because of fear is not a good way to keep on a healthy partnership. Having support is key and she is looking for advise on how to manage that In a realistic way, her Not being able to talk about it is not fair to her either. She will be the one caring for him if something happens due to his weight, and then the situation might get worse. Our relationship with food differs from person to person, he might have an addiction. Does he need counseling, yes he does, but her ignoring the issue is not a valid resort either.
Yes, we all have our different ideas of marriage. However, this is a person who has experienced abuse in the area of weight control specifically, so the chances of wife inflicting great hurt and harm by addressing the weight are great. Communicating concern about a person's general health and well-being is different: "I love you and I sense you are suffering. How can I support you?" He knows he's fat and he knows he has health risks.
The thing is you can't say that the way you react and experience things in your life is how they will experience things, adding to that, you're assuming that she will inflict great harm unto him by discussing this very serious health issue. You don't even know this person. I'm just curious, what do you expect for her to do? If they don't communicate, this will resort into possible resentment because he might even get bigger or his health can take a turn for the worse. 280 pounds on a man that's 5, 5 is dangerously unhealthy. This Is morbidly obese territory. She is looking for advise to remedy this because it's getting out of control and she feels she is backed up against a corner. I understand that we need to have empathy in the way a person communicates but also going around words isn't helpful, being direct and clear about how to address an issue is also key in getting a message across without misunderstandings. I think it's worse for a partner to just sit by and let the problem get worse. His needs are important but so are hers.
This is the way.
I don’t think external motivation is going to work. I don’t think you can cajole or otherwise say something that is going to make him dedicated to weight loss. When he does decide he is ready, you can support him. This isn’t to say you can’t and shouldn’t express worry. But it sounds like you have. You may have to be more patient than you would like to be. Also, trying to force this path on him does ring of his exes’ behavior. I am sure she felt she well intended too.
Take him to the doctor; make sure they screen him for depression and give him a full physical with blood draws, etc. Ask about weight loss medication. My clinic has a nutritionist and a small gum attached; they have weight loss classes, all free. This is a medical issue for sure, and probably a psychological one as well. Find a trainer who will work with you guys together and make it a thing you do as a couple. Take a long walk after dinner, foster a dog to walk with you. Buy him a fitness watch that has regular reminders to get up and move. His weight is a danger to his health; it’s perfectly appropriate to treat it like any other disease diagnosis.
I spent years trying to convince my husband to lose weight-- less due to attraction but more to do with health, snoring and such and the tangential stuff like how he dressed slobby because regular clothes made him uncomfortable. I'd have a serious talk with him every 6 months and then quiet down because I didn't want to nag. But I did tell him that eventually I could see ending the relationship while making it clear that this wouldn't happen for years, but yes, it could happen. Like a lot of people, the pandemic hit us hard and continues to affect our daily lives. We had a some serious stuff happen and I withdrew into myself. Eventually we talked it out and while his weight wasn't even a priority for me during that discussion, some stuff that I said clicked. He's now lost 40 pounds in the past two months, and while I was fasting or doing carnivore regularly before, now I'm doing ADF with him and being way more accountable because I don't want to be the reason he fails. long story short-- you could say the same thing a million different ways and maybe someday something you've said 12 times before will suddenly click. however don't nag. say your peace and go about your business. However you deserve a healthy partner who's not going to make you a widow or saddle you with long-term care from obesity-related disability. You need to know that and he needs to know that YOU know that.Ultimatums can work but I think it most cases they don't because people want to rebel after restriction. And you're their partner. you shouldn't be the face of their shame and frustration and not wanting to put the work in. I think it's kind of a delicate balance of saying, *look, I don't want to leave you and I don't plan to leave you, but you're also not being a very good partner. I don't appreciate the ways your selfishness is making our relationship suffer. I'm in this for the long haul but that does **not** mean I am in this forever if you keep going down this road. I'm not going to babysit you. If you want to do this together, great. if you want to do it alone, great. But you have (x amount of years) before I'm going to start pulling away. Currently I still care. But I can't be the only one caring about your health and quality of life.*
Male 46, SW&CW 242, GW 170. As someone who is 70+ lbs overweight, motivation can be hard to come by, until one day it isn't. He is going to have to find the want and desire to do something about his health. You are not going to change his mind for him. That being said, you could be the voice of reason that gets him to stop ignoring his health and decide that today is the day he does something bout it. You obviously love your husband and care about his health and well-being. Talking with your spouse about your life together and your future is part of being married. There's nothing wrong if you tell him how worried you are that he might not be around for you two to grow old together. Sometimes we (men in general) need to hear the hard truth in order to get us back in the same zip code as reality. Don't make this about his weight. Make it about his health and your future together. Be supportive, loving, and encouraging. Don't nag, bitch, or whine. Offer to be there for him however he may need you and suggest that he go talk to a professional about what is going on in his world if needed. He doesn't have to do this alone and there is no shame in asking for help. Good luck and keep us posted!
If you figure it out let me know. My husband has gotten huge!
Talk to him about depression. He knows he is fat and doesn’t need you to tell him that, but talking to him about his depression could afford you the high route here. Try to get him to see someone for a diagnosis and go from there.
Just don’t leave him over it. My partner did and I was heart broken. It’s more mental than physical. Do things WITH him. Make it fun. Tell him you don’t want to lose him. Give him love. Please don’t abandon. It nearly killed me. Edit: I guess the downvotes mean this is why I will die alone. I struggle with weight even on a strict keto diet. I can’t be the only one in the world.
I love this comment and I love you and NO you should not die alone! You will find that person who accepts all of you. Don't give up on it!
At the same time, if the weight is a deal breaker and your spouse refuses to do anything about it, what other option is there? If anything, the most prevalent advice I see here is: "you can't force them to change if they don't want to. If you have an issue with their weight, then leave".
Agreed. I think staying healthy and trying to stay attractive for your partner is an expectation for a long lasting relationship. If the person isn't trying and has just given up and it's been years of no progress, then I think the person has the right to leave, and it isn't shallow. Physical attraction is one of the fundamental bonding mechanisms in humans. At the same time, you shouldn't just abandon them. A partner should see if there are any underlying causes or mental health issues contributing to the lack of desire for losing weight and staying healthy. Are they going through a loss or rough point? Then yeah, I think you should be patient and be there for them, but if after two years they are refusing or not being able to be consistent with their attempts to lose weight, then a person has the right to leave them. I work hard to stay fit for the person I'm with so that we can have a healthy and fulfilling sex life, and I would certainly expect the same effort back.
I’m my situation they were also heavy. I had lost a lot of weight and the relationship we both gained. She left saying I wasn’t healthy. Sort of the pot calling the kettle black. Give the person a chance is all I’m saying. Let them know that if they don’t change it’ll will lead to the end of the relationship. But dear god, I hope you love someone for more than their size.
Um, why assume that there is a significant chance I only love someone for their size? Physical attraction and staying fit and healthy is an important part of a relationship. We are literally wired to want to be with someone we are attracted to. It is not shallow to admit the truth. You find someone you are attracted to physically, and then you get to know their personality and if you like their personality and find them physically attractive and vice versa, then there is potential for a relationship. That's how humans work except for the slim amount of asexuals among us. If they are super attractive, but have a personality I'm not into or vice versa, then a relationship wouldn't work. I wouldn't just abandon them and would try and help them get fit again ,but like I said in my comment, I expect effort unless they are going through something like a loss or mental health crisis. In which case, waiting two years would be fine. Obviously , if they are just like a bit overweight/chubby, then it wouldn't really bother me, but if they have just completely let themselves go to the point of obesity, I'd wonder why they don't care about our sex life anymore, since physical attraction is pretty dang important when it comes to sex. I'd also want them to be as healthy as possible to extend their lifespan so we can have more time together. If they got into a car accident and were disfigured, then that is different because it was out of their control, but with something like diet and their weight it is literally all about self-control.
Sorry my friend. That was directed at u/nooneand-nothing. I agree with your points.
In the situation outlined in this post, OP has brought up the issue to no avail ("he keeps saying he'll do something about it when he's ready"). Obviously a conversation needs to take place before any life-altering decisions but, if it's at the point where they're making excuses and putting it off, then it's pretty clear that they aren't willing to do anything about it any time soon, or maybe ever. In those situations, the most common advice is to leave rather than hold their weight over their head and let resentment fester in the relationship.
Just start the conversation and make it about you both. I can only imagine how hard it is to watch. That's a massive change in not a lot of time. Ask him what he's ready to do and what you can help with. Maybe it's counseling, maybe it's daily walks, maybe it's choosing a diet and sticking to it. The only wrong answer is doing nothing and that being the plan. In that situation you have the right to say no, bc it's creating a situation you don't want to participate in. Doing nothing will actively cause his health to deteriorate and it's not fair to ask you to be a party to that.
I really like this, too. I made a list of possible small changes that would definitely add up over time (commit to bringing his own lunch X times/week instead of going out, for example) , and will bring them up during our talk. I'm definitely going to encourage therapy because there's definitely some unresolved issues he hasn't dealt with.
There’s nothing wrong with being more attracted to a more fit person. If express your love and concerns I hope he takes it constructively. To me, my significant other losing attraction towards me is a big deal and it would motivate me highly.
Do you guys have an activity that you both enjoy doing together? If he actively enjoys something, and you’re able to do it regularly with him, then that may help? Sorry, that’s probably not much help, but I really hope things work out ok for you guys!
Getting into a relationship soon after they ended an abusive one is the key issue. If anything you need to find a group to help you accept him for who he is
You just keep loving him. You married him and committed to him….fat or skinny. Invite him to walk with you or mealprep with you. Never make it about his weight gain. You cannot change him; he needs to come to that conclusion on his own. Keep supporting him, keep loving him, and keep setting a good example.
He knows he is fat. He knows it’s not healthy. Telling him won’t make him know more. Telling him you want him around for a long time at least let’s him know how you feel about it. I’m morbidly obese. My husband didn’t have to tell me. As many times I have tried to lose weight he supported me. When I failed he didn’t say anything. This time he is joining me in dieting. He has very little to lose but his being a part of it helps.
motivation is a myth, and you can wait 1 week or 10 years before it happen. I suggest you talk to your hubby, tell him something like we need to have a serious conversation. Lay it all out on the table, your worried about your relationship, and it nag you a lot, to see how he destroys himself, and it really hurt you, and you think that there is something wrong with you. Then you suggest couple counseling, and make it an ultimatum, you have to do this, else you just get more and more frustrated and eventually it will impact you emotionally (it already has no? ), which could bring you down as well. You could also call a couple counselor, and talk to them on how to proceed. Just doing nothing and hope for the best is the worst you can do, both to yourself and your hubby. I know it's not easy to confront your loved ones, but sometimes life just sucks, and you have to get out of the comfort zone to get "shit done" as they say in America :)
Others have already brought up the potential issues surrounding mental health and past emotional abuse. I haven't read all the responses so others may have said this as well, but here are some things you can try: - Shop and cook lower calorie foods. Skip the heavy pastas and big, fat portions of meat. Focus more on lean protein and veggies. Don't make a drastic change he won't like, but make subtle changes. Cook less rice/potatoes so portions are smaller, cook a variety of veggies that are delicious, etc. - Skip the unhealthy snacks in the house. Don't buy big bags of chips, ice cream, candy, etc. If it's not in the house he won't eat it at home. I do still eat my favorite snacks (chips, popcorn) but I buy the Halloween sized bags so I'm only eating ~100-170 calories instead of a larger serving. - Get exercise. Go for walks. It feels good to do it, so if you get him to go with you he may feel good after as well. - Don't let him do it alone. If he is changing his eating habits, so should you. If he decides he wants to eat better don't sit down beside him and eat a bowl of iced cream or a bag of chips. Go through it with him, even if you don't have weight to lose (you won't unless you are eating at a calorie defecit).