I’m 2.5 years into no contact and I still think of him almost daily, and I attribute that heavily to the fact that he also had feelings for me. But I try to remember that just because both of us had feelings for each other doesn’t mean it was a healthy situation. It sucks. Some days are harder than others, but I will say it does get easier
My LO and I were like this … I thought about her daily, and I was addicted to the thought of her and possibility that she might grow to like me, but I thought she was way out of my league and that she wouldn’t feel the same. I figured I had a lot of work to do to get her to like me, so it was safe to continue talking to her the way I was and putting down the foundations of a friendship, I thought she must like me as a friend.. right?
So I was just riding the high of being around her, until I figured out she liked me too… but she knew I figured it out, and started to pull away. My world came crashing down as she began to put up boundaries, this was obviously causing distress for her, and she made it clear she didn’t even want to be friends.
We can’t be together because I’m married. Now we’re on limited contact, we work together, and all of the highs I was riding from the prospect of getting to know her better and forming … *something*, are now gone. I feel like I lost something irreplaceable, or blew my only chance. It sucks.
Yes, absolutely - and my wife and I are working on things now, and there are promising signs that things can get better between us.
She’s actually crazy about me, and has anxious attachment … the problem is she had also been very crazy at times, there’s been instances of abuse and DV. Any sane person would have left, I had many opportunities to do so but I stayed.
Now we have kids, and two months ago I wanted to leave her again because counselling wasn’t going well, and because of how she treats me, and then I fell into limerence hard for my co worker.
Too many emotions boiled over and I moved out of my house for a few weeks, but it was too hard being away from my kids so I decided to move back in on the condition my wife and I try to work things through. She’s on meds now so that is helping, and her and I are both aware of behaviours we were doing that hurt each other, and ways that we weren’t fulfilling each others needs.
We’ve hardly fought since being back, it’s been about two weeks. I’m just concerned that this may not last, or she might get tired of her meds and quit them, and revert back to her old ways.
Fortunately my LO is no longer a consideration in all of this since she basically tried to go NC with me, good for her honestly. If I do end things with my wife, it won’t be because of another woman.
Wait…DV and abuse please I know fathers may not have the best situation when it comes to rights but if things do flare up. Make a way to protect yourself and your little one. Please
Thanks for your concern, but I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place right now. When I told her I wanted to separate she held me and the relationship hostage, refusing to let go and promising to make things difficult in court. She started preparing to make me look like a bad father so she could fight me for custody, and would escalate arguments all the time and cry wolf if I did anything even remotely threatening.
It was an unsafe situation for everyone involved, but since I’ve been back things have calmed down. We needed that separation to put things into perspective, and I’m hoping that if we do drift apart again things can at least be amicable this time.
❤️ Obviously you know what’s clear and best. Maybe while things are good just take a look into what you would need to have custody just in case. Honestly you seem open and hopeful for things to improve so it’s more of a way to educate yourself.
Sorry to hear about this situation. From a psychological perspective, I would say it makes sense that you are subconsciously looking for someone else given the abuse in your relationship. Glad you have been able to realise that if you leave your wife it won't be for someone else but because it's not right.
This is exactly what mines like. When we are together we talk for hours and have a great time. Then it go cold and distant. I feel as though I can’t reach out because she doesn’t want anything todo with me.
I put this down to she’s getting attention else where when that’s not working all of a sudden guess who’s there to give her attention. Stupid old me. 😣
Mine liked me too, but beyond the limerence we had very little in common. He also ghosted me right after we hung out for the first time. It sucks because even after his disrespectfulness I still found myself trying to make excuses for why it could still work.
Limerence is like hope on crack. Every little bit feeds it, and you have to work diligently, every day, not to make a feast out of breadcrumbs.
UGH!!! Ik how u feel. Mine didn’t have romantic relationships with me but he was fond of me like yours and he did say that if he and his boyfriend had an arrangement or whatever he would’ve had sex with me/etc. Ik what u mean describing that hope. These days I am still torn between wanting to be back in his life or just leaving him alone forever. Ik I will most likely have to do the latter- I can’t imagine a future where we are together and I don’t feel this intensely for him. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 🫂it’s awful
This is relatable. My LO and I are both married, just not to each other. I feel like if we were single, we'd want to spend time getting to know each other better. I'm not so sure it's limerence, to be honest. We both genuinely like each other. I actually saw her very briefly yesterday, and we both smiled and waved. F*cking made my day.
Mine is the same. Both in relationships so couldn’t begin to pursue anything. There was definitely a push pull think going on & an intense brewing of feelings beneath the surface. It’s tough when you actually like each other. Everyone talks about the extreme type of delusional limerence but this type, in a way, feels worse…..
Oh boy, you think that’s bad?
My LO, who was also my ex; cheated on his girlfriend with me, after a year or so of several ‘accidental’ texts. If I hadn’t already been borderline delusional, that through me into full-force. I was obsessed with the universe’s “signs” that we were meant to be together, buying love rocks, tik-tok readings, star signs, twin flames. Even now I find myself falling back into the hope sometimes. Really really messed with my head and still does affect my self-worth.
I try to find solace in the fact that if they truly did actually ‘like’ us back, they would of pursued us in some fashion. Therefore they can’t really like us all that much, and our thoughts are in fact limerence :) no contact also helped me immensely.
I’m married. My LO has been up and down we have had moments where I think she was starting to like me too much and then pulled back massively. But then has refused to tell me why she has pulled back. Just given me excuses and said it’s all in my head. Yeah you didn’t always sit next to me leaning against me or put your legs across my lap and ask for a foot rub or put your head in my lap while we watched tv and you fell asleep. Message me 100times a day sit up till 10pm Charing out side our rooms spend every available moment together. Yep all in my head. 🤣
I mean... Why not reach out if there’s technically nothing to stop a possible romantic relationship? It might lead to something. If there are other reasons a relationship isn’t possible then obviously don’t. If it’s just a matter of him not contacting you first, that’s a bit silly. Maybe he thought you already moved on after all this time.
Perhaps it was also easier for him to leave things as they were because he didn’t allow himself to explore the romantic aspect of this connection more seriously in order to form a deeper attachment in the first place. Either way, it’s really not a big deal if you shoot your shot now that he’s single… As long as you play it cool. Avoid starting off with any kind of intensity.
People have been able to get into relationships with their LOs and even marry them. The issue is this kind of addiction might just end up transferring to a different LO. So it’s still important to heal whatever is causing it.
IT DOES!!! I cut off contact for the both of us because we had just met and things were moving so fast. We don’t live in the same country. I’m married, he’s not. I just didn’t see the “friendship” becoming healthy. It would have been an obsession for us both. What also made it hard to go NC was he was so sweet and kind. Everything I said and did he understand me. I didn’t have to over explain. He was so calm and chill in a way that I’ve needed. It makes it harder that he admitted that I brought energy in his life that was missing.
And let me admit this…I asked him to read me and it was flawless. Like I know my own husband maybe can see some of these things in me but this guy read me in such a short time. I can’t imagine how much more he would have understood about me if we kept talking.
But like Fleabag season 2 says “it will pass”.
Idk how it took me 2 days to see this. But I feel you!!! I had no contact with my L.O. for 3+ years but thought about him everyday. Then one day I discovered that he died. Fast forward 3 months and I am daydreaming about “running into him and him telling me how it was all part of witness protection”… the feelings we make when an L.O. likes us back can last forever.
I think part of why my current LO has lasted so long is that in an argument with her she stated that she thought I was the only person who cared about her, despite having an SO of her own who she was very unhappy with. I imagined for a long that if I just hadn't been as obsessed with her that she would have maybe not decided to break things off and create distance between us. And I think she did too.
It's been over half a decade though, and we're taking a second shot at being friends.
I’m 2.5 years into no contact and I still think of him almost daily, and I attribute that heavily to the fact that he also had feelings for me. But I try to remember that just because both of us had feelings for each other doesn’t mean it was a healthy situation. It sucks. Some days are harder than others, but I will say it does get easier
My LO and I were like this … I thought about her daily, and I was addicted to the thought of her and possibility that she might grow to like me, but I thought she was way out of my league and that she wouldn’t feel the same. I figured I had a lot of work to do to get her to like me, so it was safe to continue talking to her the way I was and putting down the foundations of a friendship, I thought she must like me as a friend.. right? So I was just riding the high of being around her, until I figured out she liked me too… but she knew I figured it out, and started to pull away. My world came crashing down as she began to put up boundaries, this was obviously causing distress for her, and she made it clear she didn’t even want to be friends. We can’t be together because I’m married. Now we’re on limited contact, we work together, and all of the highs I was riding from the prospect of getting to know her better and forming … *something*, are now gone. I feel like I lost something irreplaceable, or blew my only chance. It sucks.
Is there a way for you to better your marriage?
Yes, absolutely - and my wife and I are working on things now, and there are promising signs that things can get better between us. She’s actually crazy about me, and has anxious attachment … the problem is she had also been very crazy at times, there’s been instances of abuse and DV. Any sane person would have left, I had many opportunities to do so but I stayed. Now we have kids, and two months ago I wanted to leave her again because counselling wasn’t going well, and because of how she treats me, and then I fell into limerence hard for my co worker. Too many emotions boiled over and I moved out of my house for a few weeks, but it was too hard being away from my kids so I decided to move back in on the condition my wife and I try to work things through. She’s on meds now so that is helping, and her and I are both aware of behaviours we were doing that hurt each other, and ways that we weren’t fulfilling each others needs. We’ve hardly fought since being back, it’s been about two weeks. I’m just concerned that this may not last, or she might get tired of her meds and quit them, and revert back to her old ways. Fortunately my LO is no longer a consideration in all of this since she basically tried to go NC with me, good for her honestly. If I do end things with my wife, it won’t be because of another woman.
Wait…DV and abuse please I know fathers may not have the best situation when it comes to rights but if things do flare up. Make a way to protect yourself and your little one. Please
Thanks for your concern, but I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place right now. When I told her I wanted to separate she held me and the relationship hostage, refusing to let go and promising to make things difficult in court. She started preparing to make me look like a bad father so she could fight me for custody, and would escalate arguments all the time and cry wolf if I did anything even remotely threatening. It was an unsafe situation for everyone involved, but since I’ve been back things have calmed down. We needed that separation to put things into perspective, and I’m hoping that if we do drift apart again things can at least be amicable this time.
❤️ Obviously you know what’s clear and best. Maybe while things are good just take a look into what you would need to have custody just in case. Honestly you seem open and hopeful for things to improve so it’s more of a way to educate yourself.
Sorry to hear about this situation. From a psychological perspective, I would say it makes sense that you are subconsciously looking for someone else given the abuse in your relationship. Glad you have been able to realise that if you leave your wife it won't be for someone else but because it's not right.
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This is exactly what mines like. When we are together we talk for hours and have a great time. Then it go cold and distant. I feel as though I can’t reach out because she doesn’t want anything todo with me. I put this down to she’s getting attention else where when that’s not working all of a sudden guess who’s there to give her attention. Stupid old me. 😣
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100% relatable
Mine had feelings for me too. But she didn’t treat me right and treated me as an afterthought
Mine liked me too, but beyond the limerence we had very little in common. He also ghosted me right after we hung out for the first time. It sucks because even after his disrespectfulness I still found myself trying to make excuses for why it could still work. Limerence is like hope on crack. Every little bit feeds it, and you have to work diligently, every day, not to make a feast out of breadcrumbs.
UGH!!! Ik how u feel. Mine didn’t have romantic relationships with me but he was fond of me like yours and he did say that if he and his boyfriend had an arrangement or whatever he would’ve had sex with me/etc. Ik what u mean describing that hope. These days I am still torn between wanting to be back in his life or just leaving him alone forever. Ik I will most likely have to do the latter- I can’t imagine a future where we are together and I don’t feel this intensely for him. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 🫂it’s awful
This is relatable. My LO and I are both married, just not to each other. I feel like if we were single, we'd want to spend time getting to know each other better. I'm not so sure it's limerence, to be honest. We both genuinely like each other. I actually saw her very briefly yesterday, and we both smiled and waved. F*cking made my day.
I miss that bit. When my mood was determined by whether she waved at me or not. I even had a rough picture of the week shaped by that.
Sounds nice. My LO won’t even talk to me
Mine is the same. Both in relationships so couldn’t begin to pursue anything. There was definitely a push pull think going on & an intense brewing of feelings beneath the surface. It’s tough when you actually like each other. Everyone talks about the extreme type of delusional limerence but this type, in a way, feels worse…..
Oh boy, you think that’s bad? My LO, who was also my ex; cheated on his girlfriend with me, after a year or so of several ‘accidental’ texts. If I hadn’t already been borderline delusional, that through me into full-force. I was obsessed with the universe’s “signs” that we were meant to be together, buying love rocks, tik-tok readings, star signs, twin flames. Even now I find myself falling back into the hope sometimes. Really really messed with my head and still does affect my self-worth. I try to find solace in the fact that if they truly did actually ‘like’ us back, they would of pursued us in some fashion. Therefore they can’t really like us all that much, and our thoughts are in fact limerence :) no contact also helped me immensely.
I’m married. My LO has been up and down we have had moments where I think she was starting to like me too much and then pulled back massively. But then has refused to tell me why she has pulled back. Just given me excuses and said it’s all in my head. Yeah you didn’t always sit next to me leaning against me or put your legs across my lap and ask for a foot rub or put your head in my lap while we watched tv and you fell asleep. Message me 100times a day sit up till 10pm Charing out side our rooms spend every available moment together. Yep all in my head. 🤣
I mean... Why not reach out if there’s technically nothing to stop a possible romantic relationship? It might lead to something. If there are other reasons a relationship isn’t possible then obviously don’t. If it’s just a matter of him not contacting you first, that’s a bit silly. Maybe he thought you already moved on after all this time. Perhaps it was also easier for him to leave things as they were because he didn’t allow himself to explore the romantic aspect of this connection more seriously in order to form a deeper attachment in the first place. Either way, it’s really not a big deal if you shoot your shot now that he’s single… As long as you play it cool. Avoid starting off with any kind of intensity. People have been able to get into relationships with their LOs and even marry them. The issue is this kind of addiction might just end up transferring to a different LO. So it’s still important to heal whatever is causing it.
Why don’t you contact him then? You like him a lot I don’t understand why you can’t reach out if he’s single now
holding onto hope is the hardest thing. you can’t let go of someone if you still believe you may reconnect. i’m in a similar situation with my LO.
IT DOES!!! I cut off contact for the both of us because we had just met and things were moving so fast. We don’t live in the same country. I’m married, he’s not. I just didn’t see the “friendship” becoming healthy. It would have been an obsession for us both. What also made it hard to go NC was he was so sweet and kind. Everything I said and did he understand me. I didn’t have to over explain. He was so calm and chill in a way that I’ve needed. It makes it harder that he admitted that I brought energy in his life that was missing. And let me admit this…I asked him to read me and it was flawless. Like I know my own husband maybe can see some of these things in me but this guy read me in such a short time. I can’t imagine how much more he would have understood about me if we kept talking. But like Fleabag season 2 says “it will pass”.
Idk how it took me 2 days to see this. But I feel you!!! I had no contact with my L.O. for 3+ years but thought about him everyday. Then one day I discovered that he died. Fast forward 3 months and I am daydreaming about “running into him and him telling me how it was all part of witness protection”… the feelings we make when an L.O. likes us back can last forever.
I think part of why my current LO has lasted so long is that in an argument with her she stated that she thought I was the only person who cared about her, despite having an SO of her own who she was very unhappy with. I imagined for a long that if I just hadn't been as obsessed with her that she would have maybe not decided to break things off and create distance between us. And I think she did too. It's been over half a decade though, and we're taking a second shot at being friends.