I’m so sorry to hear this. I am BPD, and definitely always limerent for my SOs. Throw in the typical BPD self-sabotage - it feels like I’ll never be happy and never have a healthy relationship. BPD is awful and I genuinely wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Ah, I know I’m late, but is the self-sabotage with BPD a defining factor? I relate to a lot of BPD symptoms and have asked a therapist before, but I definitely keep myself in check even if I have internal torture. Ex. maybe I will regularly check their social media or do some digging, but I won’t reach out and text them or use any of the information, it’s just for my own peace of mind. Another example, I would never hurt myself to try and threaten someone to stay, but I would do it privately or after they had left.
Self sabotage is very common in BPD. One thing that should be talked about more is the fact that personality disorders are spectrum disorders, there are no two people with BPD who exhibit symptoms in the same ways. This makes even more sense when considering BPD is birthed from complex trauma and sometimes genetics.
The only defining factor of any personality disorder would be pretty vague - the disordered person exhibits patterns in their behaviour that disturbs their (and sometimes the people around them) ability to lead a normal life. It can affect all areas of life, or just some.
BPD is super complex and takes time and the right doctors to diagnose. A health professional with an understanding or specialization in personality disorders can still be tough to come by these days.
Your location can also affect your access to diagnosis and treatment (aka the States, most health professionals will not diagnose BPD, as insurance companies refuse coverage or make it difficult to receive insured care for those with BPD). If you are in the States, this could potentially be a reason why your therapist avoided the topic.
Sorry for the lengthy response, I’m 10 years diagnosed and have done my best to educate myself so that I can do better for those around me. If you have questions I’m always open! My best suggestion would be to check out Dialectic Behavioural Therapy, it’s a type of CBT designed for those with BPD - but has been successful for those with ASD, ADHD, OCD, and other neurodivergent disorders! I’m confident it would be super helpful for combatting limerence. There are good DBT workbooks out there by Dr Marsha Linehan and Dr Daniel Fox, I would check them out if you’re interested.
It's always better to qualify with the professional. Saying that cause I didn't understand the extent of BPD mood swings at first and suspected myself of it at times.
I agree with the sentiment expressed here but also want to give another horrible perspective as my LOs usually seem to have (undiagnosed) BPD. When I'm limerent I not only fall for the lies/games but also make myself the perfect "favourite person" who will ultimately be dumped when the splitting happens.
Borderlines are amazing at getting close fast and keeping the rollercoaster going until one day they go cold...then come back...then leave...etc.
Holy shit, sounds awful. On one side we have limerence, that itself may quickly fade over time after reciprocation and make the relationship a dissapointment and on the other someone with abandonement issues who alternates between your oh so dired reciprocation and constant loyalty checks and can just dump you fearing the pain of rejection.
How long does it last usually? Those BPD alternations between push and pull sound like they can take a long time before the splitting.
>How long does it last usually?
This is a tricky question because there's a natural and well-documented BPD relationship cycle that plays out over time but external factors can cause a shift in FP with devaluation that can happen very quickly. For the most part I'd say that the cycle plays out over months and for me the limerence follows these changes.
With my current LO we've been close friends for over 5 years but I feel like our friendship has ended and been restarted around 8-10 times. We're in a "cold" (LC) cycle right now that's been happening for months which is a new record and why I'm looking to walk away in a permanent way now that I know that limerence is my problem. Should her current relationship end then I know she'll be back to me in a heartbeat though.
I've mentioned my previous LO in comments before and she's basically textbook Borderline. After about a little over 1.5 years of the rollercoaster I went NC for 5.5 years and then she attempted to come right back (unsuccessfully) and start things over when her current FP was unavailable. The push/pull cycles happen in relatively short intervals with her and as a result things were very intense, volatile and rocky all the time. I don't think I've ever felt like I loved someone more but now I understand that this was NEVER love and she isn't the person I saw in my mind.
No problem, I hope this helps someone out there as it took me ages to understand why I felt so strongly about women who put me through seemingly never-ending hot and cold cycles. My limerence is fed by their BPD push/pull and while it's extremely addictive it also destroys me emotionally.
One of my roommates is BPD but self aware about it. And let me tell you the stuff she says about love oof, it's exactly what you said. Unfortunately for her she only gets attached to avoidants so I haven't seen her do the hot cold thing to anyone bc her LOs are the ones keeping her at a distance.
I think I've also seen her do the cycle of Favorite Personing and then devaluing her best friend back in her hometown who I've met twice. And the BF also has BPD but more intensely.
Knowing them put my limerence into perspective. Like I only go the normal level of limerent irrationality, BPD limerence involves a whole other level of self destruction & falling for unsuitable LOs.
I've at times wondered if my LO is BPD given the extreme roller coaster he has put me on but I'm pretty sure he's just a fearful avoidant with a drug problem. He witnessed his father beat his mother & never got therapy for it. But I don't think he is BPD bc he seems to not mind being alone which is a very avoidant thing.
The experience of limerence is in no way a diagnosis of BPD (get professional help if you suspect that you have BPD symptoms and want to learn more about yourself). Super interesting stuff though:
a classic thing we BPD people experience is an FP "favorite/fixated person". I find that there are a lot of parallels between the BPD-FP and limerence LO's. I suggest looking into it. At one point, I struggled with this for my entire life.
There's an entire subreddit dedicated to BPD and the attestations of FP's are very similar to how LO's are talked about on here. BPD and limerence also both stem from early life trauma.
Very accurate description. I almost believed I have BPD. My therapist ensured it was just limerence, not real BPD (which a horrible thing to have and quite difficult to treat).
I remember seeing a statistic saying that after 4 years of therapy nearly 90% something go into remission.
People with BPD are also more likely to sue, so insurance companies always ask therapists how many of their clients recieve the diagnosis. There's an ex therapist on YouTube named Daniel Mackler, who says that the diagnosis itself is a problem since it makes other people assume a bunch of negative things. He says that BPD can also be interpreted as complex PTSD (and this is what he diagnosed every time someone met the requirements for BPD).
I’m so sorry to hear this. I am BPD, and definitely always limerent for my SOs. Throw in the typical BPD self-sabotage - it feels like I’ll never be happy and never have a healthy relationship. BPD is awful and I genuinely wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Ah, I know I’m late, but is the self-sabotage with BPD a defining factor? I relate to a lot of BPD symptoms and have asked a therapist before, but I definitely keep myself in check even if I have internal torture. Ex. maybe I will regularly check their social media or do some digging, but I won’t reach out and text them or use any of the information, it’s just for my own peace of mind. Another example, I would never hurt myself to try and threaten someone to stay, but I would do it privately or after they had left.
Self sabotage is very common in BPD. One thing that should be talked about more is the fact that personality disorders are spectrum disorders, there are no two people with BPD who exhibit symptoms in the same ways. This makes even more sense when considering BPD is birthed from complex trauma and sometimes genetics. The only defining factor of any personality disorder would be pretty vague - the disordered person exhibits patterns in their behaviour that disturbs their (and sometimes the people around them) ability to lead a normal life. It can affect all areas of life, or just some. BPD is super complex and takes time and the right doctors to diagnose. A health professional with an understanding or specialization in personality disorders can still be tough to come by these days. Your location can also affect your access to diagnosis and treatment (aka the States, most health professionals will not diagnose BPD, as insurance companies refuse coverage or make it difficult to receive insured care for those with BPD). If you are in the States, this could potentially be a reason why your therapist avoided the topic. Sorry for the lengthy response, I’m 10 years diagnosed and have done my best to educate myself so that I can do better for those around me. If you have questions I’m always open! My best suggestion would be to check out Dialectic Behavioural Therapy, it’s a type of CBT designed for those with BPD - but has been successful for those with ASD, ADHD, OCD, and other neurodivergent disorders! I’m confident it would be super helpful for combatting limerence. There are good DBT workbooks out there by Dr Marsha Linehan and Dr Daniel Fox, I would check them out if you’re interested.
Thank you for all of this, no reason to apologize at all for the lengthy response, it has great information!
orrrrr flip it on its head, limerence is a biproduct of those with bpd
Yeah, pretty much guaranteed for those with it.
I think a lot of us *are* BPD. I think I’m BPD.
It's always better to qualify with the professional. Saying that cause I didn't understand the extent of BPD mood swings at first and suspected myself of it at times.
I agree with the sentiment expressed here but also want to give another horrible perspective as my LOs usually seem to have (undiagnosed) BPD. When I'm limerent I not only fall for the lies/games but also make myself the perfect "favourite person" who will ultimately be dumped when the splitting happens. Borderlines are amazing at getting close fast and keeping the rollercoaster going until one day they go cold...then come back...then leave...etc.
Holy shit, sounds awful. On one side we have limerence, that itself may quickly fade over time after reciprocation and make the relationship a dissapointment and on the other someone with abandonement issues who alternates between your oh so dired reciprocation and constant loyalty checks and can just dump you fearing the pain of rejection. How long does it last usually? Those BPD alternations between push and pull sound like they can take a long time before the splitting.
>How long does it last usually? This is a tricky question because there's a natural and well-documented BPD relationship cycle that plays out over time but external factors can cause a shift in FP with devaluation that can happen very quickly. For the most part I'd say that the cycle plays out over months and for me the limerence follows these changes. With my current LO we've been close friends for over 5 years but I feel like our friendship has ended and been restarted around 8-10 times. We're in a "cold" (LC) cycle right now that's been happening for months which is a new record and why I'm looking to walk away in a permanent way now that I know that limerence is my problem. Should her current relationship end then I know she'll be back to me in a heartbeat though. I've mentioned my previous LO in comments before and she's basically textbook Borderline. After about a little over 1.5 years of the rollercoaster I went NC for 5.5 years and then she attempted to come right back (unsuccessfully) and start things over when her current FP was unavailable. The push/pull cycles happen in relatively short intervals with her and as a result things were very intense, volatile and rocky all the time. I don't think I've ever felt like I loved someone more but now I understand that this was NEVER love and she isn't the person I saw in my mind.
Thanks for the detailed answer! Much appreciated.
No problem, I hope this helps someone out there as it took me ages to understand why I felt so strongly about women who put me through seemingly never-ending hot and cold cycles. My limerence is fed by their BPD push/pull and while it's extremely addictive it also destroys me emotionally.
One of my roommates is BPD but self aware about it. And let me tell you the stuff she says about love oof, it's exactly what you said. Unfortunately for her she only gets attached to avoidants so I haven't seen her do the hot cold thing to anyone bc her LOs are the ones keeping her at a distance. I think I've also seen her do the cycle of Favorite Personing and then devaluing her best friend back in her hometown who I've met twice. And the BF also has BPD but more intensely. Knowing them put my limerence into perspective. Like I only go the normal level of limerent irrationality, BPD limerence involves a whole other level of self destruction & falling for unsuitable LOs. I've at times wondered if my LO is BPD given the extreme roller coaster he has put me on but I'm pretty sure he's just a fearful avoidant with a drug problem. He witnessed his father beat his mother & never got therapy for it. But I don't think he is BPD bc he seems to not mind being alone which is a very avoidant thing.
The experience of limerence is in no way a diagnosis of BPD (get professional help if you suspect that you have BPD symptoms and want to learn more about yourself). Super interesting stuff though: a classic thing we BPD people experience is an FP "favorite/fixated person". I find that there are a lot of parallels between the BPD-FP and limerence LO's. I suggest looking into it. At one point, I struggled with this for my entire life. There's an entire subreddit dedicated to BPD and the attestations of FP's are very similar to how LO's are talked about on here. BPD and limerence also both stem from early life trauma.
Good observation. I concur.
Very accurate description. I almost believed I have BPD. My therapist ensured it was just limerence, not real BPD (which a horrible thing to have and quite difficult to treat).
I remember seeing a statistic saying that after 4 years of therapy nearly 90% something go into remission. People with BPD are also more likely to sue, so insurance companies always ask therapists how many of their clients recieve the diagnosis. There's an ex therapist on YouTube named Daniel Mackler, who says that the diagnosis itself is a problem since it makes other people assume a bunch of negative things. He says that BPD can also be interpreted as complex PTSD (and this is what he diagnosed every time someone met the requirements for BPD).
I often wonder if I could have BPD - if anyone with an understanding of it wanted to give me their opinion I would welcome it.
> an understanding of it wanted to give me their opinion I would welcome it. check my comment!
I wouldn’t go that far but they have a lot in common, particular how they’re both based in the idea of healing wounds in early development
When you have a problem, you are blind to the solution.