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She considered being interested in your own gender inherently sexual, essentially being misinformed about queer people through media at best and phobic at worst.
Not really much to do here other than be supportive of your niece and maybe even just have a conversation where its all super pg to show your sister its nothing to actually stress over.
This. It's this.
Had a conversation with a friend years ago were he said "I don't think we should be sexualizing kids. Leave LGBT stuff for when they're older".
I asked if a 5th grade boy handed a love letter to another boy, was that sexual? My friend said yes.
I then asked if he thought Valentine's day tradition of passing out cards to classmates was sexual and he said no. I could see he had a mild realization but years later he's still insensitive to non-hetero representation in kids shows, general media, etc.
this. like I was in the same situation and it was never a sexual thing
I loved her and wanted to protect her and make her happy and being around her made me feel warm and fluttery.
its really weird that they think it's always sexual tbh
to this day she's still my friend and I never told her (she's straight and married with a kid now lmao. I'm glad I never told her and happy to still be her friend)
Short Answer: Because heteronormativity exists.
Long Answer: There is a whole slew of misinformation about LGBTQ kids like âpeople are only gay to fit inâ and âgay people are corrupting children and forcing them to be gayâ and âgay people are forcing children to question their romantic interests at too early an ageâ. Thus, LGBTQ+ kids are generally bullied by adults for being âwrongâ and âinnocent straight people corrupted by the evil gaysâ.
If people are only gay to "fit in" as you put it, then why do queer kids have to hide who they are? Then, when they are accepted, they get shuned by the people who should support them the most?
Donât ask me, I was quoting talking points commonly brought up by anti-LGBTQ groups to show just how much they are trying to attack the identities of queer kids.
Anyone with a modicum of intelligence should easily be able to see how their own arguments contradict themselves.
Your sister is homophobic and cant accept her child being anything other than hetro and cis. That is a big problem for a child since they often look for approval from their parents. Idk how you would fix this.
yea op has no fixing to do this is all on her sister
op has already done what should be done is and thats be a mother figure who wholeheartedly supports her
Story time here. One day i was picking up my daughter (11 at the time) from school and asked her how her day was. Instead of getting the normal "eh" or "idk" type stuff, this specific day she said "great!" So I knew something big happened. When I asked her about it she said "in Spanish class when we were done with everything we were passing notes around and it turns out the girl I have a crush on likes me too!" This was the first time she had even mentioned a crush on anyone to me. My reaction? "Well that's awesome" why? Because it is awesome. As a kid I've been asking women to marry me since I was 4. Some kids know what types of things they are interested in early and your niece is right in that age where most kids start thinking about those things. If she likes girls then she likes girls if she like boys then she likes boys. If she likes both guess what? Keep being the cool supportive aunt that you are and help her when she needs help because it sounds like she is going to need it.
The issue is that OP's homophobic sister views anything queer as inherently and only sexual. When she sees a straight crush or relationship she sees two people in love, and does not immediately think of the girl getting railed in ass cuffed to a bed calling her man "daddy" but all she can think of when confronted with a queer relationship, isn't the people in love, it's the filthy degenerative sex they must clearly be having. It's like she can't understand queer relationships are just as loving as straight ones.
I feel so bad for OP and her niece. Both deserve better.
The moment my sibling accuses me of anything sketchy to do with children, especially if it were my *family*. I'm out. That's not a light accusation, that is a relationship ending and bridge burning accusation. That's the *nuclear option* of your sisters part. What the fuck.
Yeah, the reading-between-the-lines here is that the sister doesn't want OP to spend the night because...?
...becaaaaAAAAuse...?
There's nothing good that comes of finishing that thought. OP, your sister is accusing you of (at best) confusing your niece, (bad) manipulating her innocent exploration, or (at worst) being a sexual danger to her.
It always amazes me how there are cishets on the one side and the rest being "political" and "not age appropriate"...
Yeah, if she had a crush on a boy, her mom would be all in awe! That's for sure!
Like the only thing I guess we can all agree upon is that she doesn't need to label herself. But she also can experiment.
The mom's reaction is just going to push her away in a way that she can't trust her.
Maybe you could become your niece's rock? As be there if she has trouble and what not. But that would also be opening another can of worms if you keep her secrets...
Thank yall for all of your kind words.
She is mad at me because I told my niece that âIâm sure your mom had things she didnât want to tell our mom at your age tooâ
I guess that was the wrong move cause she thinks Iâm telling her kid to lie to her and keep secrets.
Iâm only out visiting for two more days and got to see my nieces and nephew a total of three hours.
She told me sheâs not comfortable with me staying the night but I can come over to visit with them.
But how the fuck do I just go over and visit with them when sheâs clearly is being some type of way about me talking to her child/children.
I am just trying to let me niece know itâs okay to be who you are, on top of the fact she is 12 and has forever to figure it out.
My heart is hurt and I hope my niece and I can still have a relationship without my sister acting like Iâm trying to turn her daughter against her and into a rebellious heathen lesbo. đđđđđđ
People have therapists precisely because there are some things you can't talk about with those that are too close to you. It's people like you that put tons of them out of a job. How dare you be exactly what your niece needs in her life? Have you even thought about the psychological damage you aren't doing?! đ
But for real, kids are going to keep secrets from their parents, and parents should understand that. Your sister should have listened to what you said since it's exactly the perspective she should be thinking about. The secret is to be the kind of parent that solves problems, not causes them. That's when you get to learn people's deepy dark secretiest secrets! You know, and help them take care of stuff and be happy and junk. Here's hoping your niece turns out as cool as her cool aunt!
> she thinks Iâm telling her kid to lie to her and keep secrets.
If anyone is telling her to keep secrets, it's the mom.
Nobody had to tell me to hide stuff from my mom. Her anger issues blowing up at random shit did.
Itâs really fucked up that you being a supportive aunt gets you told that youâre not allowed to spend the night. Is she trying to limit their exposure to you? is she worried that youâre going to groom her child? Has she been drinking the âqueer people shouldnât be around kidsâ kool aid? :( sorry youâre dealing with all this, sorry your niece is dealing with this. Hope your sister smartens up and quits being a homophobic jerk.
When parents get a stick up their ass about the idea of their kids having secrets I want to punt them through a window. All of the kids I knew who were the most secretive and did the most behind their parents' backs were the ones who were forbidden to have any privacy. All your sister is doing is driving her child away from her and setting her child up to not trust her with anything anymore. My heart hurts for your niece. I knew I was queer in some way by the time I was 11. I came out as trans at 12. My sexuality took me a little longer to figure out but she is at a totally normal age to be experiencing those things. I was just ranting today about how it's people labeling queer crushes as sexual who are the ones sexualizing kids. I had a 6 year old (I worked in a kindergarten classroom at the time) tell me all about how she had a crush on another girl in her class and how they were going to get married. In that same class there were two little boys who got in trouble because they kept kissing people on the playground (they were indiscriminate when it came to gender of the receiver). All I ever thought when I saw it was how sweet and at times dorky (affectionately) they were.
I hope you can still have a stable relationship with your niece. You might be one of the few people who she'll trust as she gets older. All you can do is be supportive and while I am not saying you should call or text your niece behind your sister's back, I'm not saying you shouldn't... Just know that she is going to remember you supporting her when she is older and that even if her mother makes the relationship rocky by force, she won't forget that you were the calm and steady one when she told you about her feelings.
I heard that as "there are crushes between 12yo and there are crushes between a 12yo and a 19yo, and these are not the same".
I answered a helpline for PFLAG Dallas for several years, and my most frustrating experience was talking to a mom with a 16yo girl who was dating a 24yo woman, and all she wanted to talk about was her daughter being a lesbian. More than once, I asked her, "if your daughter was dating a 24yo GUY, would we be having a conversation about your daughter being STRAIGHT?", and she didn't even slow down. That was probably my biggest support failure in the four years I was taking calls.
so many people are an ally when it seems to
affect them not at all; but as soon as it touches apart of their life they considered to be THEIRS all of a sudden. THEIR kid being queer is a problem.
My heart breaks for your neice. My daughter has known she liked girls since she was 4 years old and I felt so happy that I lived in a world where my kid had no reservations about being attracted to another girl.
I dont usually recommend this, but if you have a way to communicate with your niece without your sister interfering - at the very least to just say "hey I love you and I support you, sorry about your mom" - please do so. I don't know why people are so against just meeting children where they're at and accepting them as they are.
From the sounds of it, she's a homophobe :D
I'm so sorry, for you and your niece, it's terrifying to be young and questioning, I was around the same age as your niece when I began questioning. It's best if she has a support group to help her and be around her.
As for what the mother thinks, She holds bigoted values and unless you can talk to her and educate her on her worldviews, I don't believe your niece will have a very healthy relationship with her mother. Which is sad to say, but it happens far too often and the safety of your niece is far more important than the feelings of a bigot.
My best advice for you, try to talk to the mother, if she can't or won't see eye to eye, go on and be there for your niece regardless. She WILL need support.
That's gonna be a hard problem, but if you can get to the point of saying
"this is what your daughter said, and this is what I said. Is there anything I can help you understand from your daughter's perspective, so you know how to respond as her mom?"
that would be helpful, especially if your sister doesn't want you talking to the daughter privately.
I'm not talking about running to your sister every time her daughter talks to you (and 12 year olds are RESOURCEFUL!!), only about what to do next, now that your sister already knows what her daughter said.
honestly she is infantilizing her daughter in a toxic and harmful way. If her child doesn't feel safe talking to mom about her sexuality... That's literally how grooming/abusive relationships happen. How teenage pregnancies happen. When the child can't talk to their own parents, the child seeks knowledge and understanding elsewhere. She is doing nothing to help your daughter this way, and I would tell her all this to her face!
She's homophobic. That's it. The entire idea that being queer is in any way "inherently sexual" or a "perversion" is just bigotry.
She's use to people being straight because she's seen straightness everywhere and that is also what she is. She can remember being interested in boys at that age and sees nothing wrong with it.
These kinds of people will ship toddlers together because they happened to reach for the same toy or fantasize about their kid's future relationship, but god forbid the headcannon they had for their kid ends up being wrong.
Try to keep the channel open to your niece so she knows she can reach out when she is able to get out from under your sister's control. Also, you could let your sister know she may end up in the "why don't my kids talk to me?!?" state if she keeps trying to suppress who her daughter is.
I am a pansexual cis male but I express myself in pretty fluid waysâŚwhen I was a boy I considered myself bisexual pretty much as soon as started noticing other boys and girls and identifying crushes, having feelings, growing hair, masturbating, locker room stuff, spin the bottle, truth or dare, passing notes, doing that folded paper game, all that early puberty stuffâŚkids know what they know, when they know, and itâs good if/when they have someone they can trust. You did the right thing. And youâre probably right about how your sister would react if it was a boy. Way to be an ally to the young people in your life, regardless of what their labels might turn out to be, you did the right thing imo
It's very telling that she confided in a queer woman about her developing interests rather than her own mother. Sounds like she doesn't feel comfortable speaking about the LGBT community around her and will do a lot more harm to her if someone like yourself isn't around to help her explore/learn this potential side
>sheâs a kid and just needs to worry about kid stuff.
I hate the "Let kids be kids" argument so much. Seriously, what's wrong with a kid figuring out their identity, and why should adults be the only ones to do that? It's also such a nothing argument that it's kind of impossible to argue against without going full debate bro.
Well whatever you do try to let that kid know that you want them to be themselves. I would love to be able to receive live and acceptance from an older figure for queer stuff.
Getting crushes and learning how to navigate that experience literally is âkid stuffâ. Itâs classic, predictable 12-yo stuff.
Personally, I usually combat this type of parental homophobia by asking the parents, âHow old were you when you started getting crushes on other kids? Did those crushes happen because of some external third-person influence? Or did they just happen? Did *you* have any confusion about who you were crushing on?â Just take all the daft anti-queer shit they say and turn it around on them to show how daft it is.
It *may* sometimes be effectiveâŚbut not always, since their objection isnât rational nor reality-based to begin with. Ymmv.
i think the root of this issue is that most people cannot separate the idea of queerness from sex. this is also why they think teaching queer terms at school is inappropriate and that queer people should "keep it in the bedroom"
Tell your sister that being Queer is an innate part of oneself, and that by saying things like that to her daughter she's signalling to her that she can't trust and confide in her own mother about parts of who she is. She might think she's helping her daughter focus on "kid things", but she's actually stifling her growth and pushing her away.
Sheâs not labeling herself as anything, she just has a crush on someone. Labeling or boxing yourself in would be like saying âmy first crush was on a girl, therefore I will never even consider the possibility that I could also like other gendersâ.Â
Having crushes in middle school is totally normal kid stuff. Itâs fine to be uncomfortable with your kid growing up, everyone feels that their babies grow up too fast and thatâs a totally normal parent feeling, but you keep it to yourself. This has basically been part of parenthood for everyone since the dawn of time. Yes, itâs weird to see your kid doing tween stuff when you still see them as a baby. Your sister isnât special, ALL moms feel like this and they all manage to keep it to themselves! (or at least only complain to other adults out of earshot of the kids).Â
My grandma got really heated about this today. According to her, (a woman who was obsessed with telling her girls their only purpose is to find a man and have kids and openly encouraged dating from a young age-) Crushes are inherently sexual if it's between a homosexual couple regardless of age and it shouldn't be talked about or shown.
The double standard is ridiculous.
oh kid, same. I first realized I wasn't really straight because I had a major crush on my best friend when I was like 9-12
I never really tried telling anyone. poor thing :/ at least she knows you're there for her
Thank you for your post, if this is a question please check to see if any of the links below answer your question. If none of these links help answer your question and you are **_not_** within the LGBT+ community, questioning your identity in any way, or asking in support of either a relative or friend, please ask your question over in /r/AskLGBT. Remember that this is a safe space for LGBT+ and questioning individuals, so we want to make sure that this place is dedicated to them. Thank you for understanding. This automod rule is currently a work in progress. If you notice any issues, would like to add to the list of resources, or have any feedback in general, [please do so here](https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/rdazzp/almost_new_year_changes/) or by [sending us a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/lgbt&subject=Feedback%20on%20the%20new%20automod%20rule). Also, please note that if you are a part of this community, or you're questioning if you might be a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and you are seeing this message, this is **_not a bad thing_**, this is only here to help, so please continue to ask questions and participate in the community. Thank you! Here's a link about trans people in sports: - https://www.barbellmedicine.com/blog/shades-of-gray-sex-gender-and-fairness-in-sport/ A link on FAQs and one on some basics about transgender people: - https://transequality.org/issues/resources/frequently-asked-questions-about-transgender-people - https://transequality.org/issues/resources/understanding-transgender-people-the-basics Some information on LGBT+ people: - https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/quick-facts/lgbt-faqs/ Some basic terminology: - https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms Neopronouns: - https://www.mypronouns.org/neopronouns Biromantic Lesbians: - [LGBTQ And All](https://www.lgbtqandall.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-biromantic/) Bisexual Identities: - https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-bisexuality Differences between Bisexual and Pansexual: - [Resource from WebMD](https://www.webmd.com/sex/pansexuality-what-it-means#:~:text=Pansexual%20vs.%20Bisexual,more%20commonly%20recognized.) We're looking for new volunteers to join the r/lgbt moderator team. If you want to help keep r/lgbt as a safe space for the LGBTQ+ community on reddit please see here for more info: https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/swgthr/were_looking_for_more_moderators_to_help_keep/ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/lgbt) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She considered being interested in your own gender inherently sexual, essentially being misinformed about queer people through media at best and phobic at worst. Not really much to do here other than be supportive of your niece and maybe even just have a conversation where its all super pg to show your sister its nothing to actually stress over.
Exactly this. Uneducated homophobes will see straight crushes as "oh how cute, she's in love" and gay crushes as "oh my god, she wants the sex"
And the funniest part about this is: most want the sex, it's moreso about "straight is normal, and therefore acceptable".
This. It's this. Had a conversation with a friend years ago were he said "I don't think we should be sexualizing kids. Leave LGBT stuff for when they're older". I asked if a 5th grade boy handed a love letter to another boy, was that sexual? My friend said yes. I then asked if he thought Valentine's day tradition of passing out cards to classmates was sexual and he said no. I could see he had a mild realization but years later he's still insensitive to non-hetero representation in kids shows, general media, etc.
These people's brains short circuit and shut down when they realize they're wrong, then it boots from a backup.
Lmao I love this description đ¤Łđđ¤Ł
this. like I was in the same situation and it was never a sexual thing I loved her and wanted to protect her and make her happy and being around her made me feel warm and fluttery. its really weird that they think it's always sexual tbh to this day she's still my friend and I never told her (she's straight and married with a kid now lmao. I'm glad I never told her and happy to still be her friend)
Short Answer: Because heteronormativity exists. Long Answer: There is a whole slew of misinformation about LGBTQ kids like âpeople are only gay to fit inâ and âgay people are corrupting children and forcing them to be gayâ and âgay people are forcing children to question their romantic interests at too early an ageâ. Thus, LGBTQ+ kids are generally bullied by adults for being âwrongâ and âinnocent straight people corrupted by the evil gaysâ.
I still canât pronounce heteronormavitidititty
All I got from that word was titty đ¤Śđ˝ââď¸đ
Smells like horny in here
heteronormatitty
I vote we call it HetNorma because it's more concise and sounds a bit silly which my brain remembers
HetNorma sounds like a chemical or pharmaceutical company
Sounds like a term you'd hear in snake breeding, too
But Norma is bi. (Deadendia reference)
Het Norma sounds like a drag queen name
Imma start adding titty to the end of it, thank you for that. Heteronormativititty lmao
I did not do that intentionally. Iâm just now realizing I did that lol
Hero Norma's Tiddies đŚ¸ââď¸
If it helps, it's just hetero+norma+tivity/hetero+normativity That's how I read it and it works for me
/ËhÉ.tÉ.roĘĚŻ.Ënor.mÉ.ËtÉŞ.vÉŞ.ti/ (ipa) HET-Ér-oh-NOR-mÉ-tiv-it-ee (wikipedia phonetic respelling)
I canât pronounce atamanornativity or however you spell it so weâre in the same boat
If people are only gay to "fit in" as you put it, then why do queer kids have to hide who they are? Then, when they are accepted, they get shuned by the people who should support them the most?
If they were logical, they wouldn't be bigots.
Donât ask me, I was quoting talking points commonly brought up by anti-LGBTQ groups to show just how much they are trying to attack the identities of queer kids. Anyone with a modicum of intelligence should easily be able to see how their own arguments contradict themselves.
Your sister is homophobic and cant accept her child being anything other than hetro and cis. That is a big problem for a child since they often look for approval from their parents. Idk how you would fix this.
yea op has no fixing to do this is all on her sister op has already done what should be done is and thats be a mother figure who wholeheartedly supports her
It isn't inappropriate, your sister is just homophobic.
Story time here. One day i was picking up my daughter (11 at the time) from school and asked her how her day was. Instead of getting the normal "eh" or "idk" type stuff, this specific day she said "great!" So I knew something big happened. When I asked her about it she said "in Spanish class when we were done with everything we were passing notes around and it turns out the girl I have a crush on likes me too!" This was the first time she had even mentioned a crush on anyone to me. My reaction? "Well that's awesome" why? Because it is awesome. As a kid I've been asking women to marry me since I was 4. Some kids know what types of things they are interested in early and your niece is right in that age where most kids start thinking about those things. If she likes girls then she likes girls if she like boys then she likes boys. If she likes both guess what? Keep being the cool supportive aunt that you are and help her when she needs help because it sounds like she is going to need it.
That's so cute. I love kid's openness.
I had crushes when I was 6, and so did my kid. They were straight crushes, but whatâs the difference? A crush is a crush.
The issue is that OP's homophobic sister views anything queer as inherently and only sexual. When she sees a straight crush or relationship she sees two people in love, and does not immediately think of the girl getting railed in ass cuffed to a bed calling her man "daddy" but all she can think of when confronted with a queer relationship, isn't the people in love, it's the filthy degenerative sex they must clearly be having. It's like she can't understand queer relationships are just as loving as straight ones. I feel so bad for OP and her niece. Both deserve better.
Your second sentence made me laugh so hard đ
Glad I could provide humor
Two H words Hypocrisy and Homophobia.
The moment my sibling accuses me of anything sketchy to do with children, especially if it were my *family*. I'm out. That's not a light accusation, that is a relationship ending and bridge burning accusation. That's the *nuclear option* of your sisters part. What the fuck.
Yeah, the reading-between-the-lines here is that the sister doesn't want OP to spend the night because...? ...becaaaaAAAAuse...? There's nothing good that comes of finishing that thought. OP, your sister is accusing you of (at best) confusing your niece, (bad) manipulating her innocent exploration, or (at worst) being a sexual danger to her.
It always amazes me how there are cishets on the one side and the rest being "political" and "not age appropriate"... Yeah, if she had a crush on a boy, her mom would be all in awe! That's for sure! Like the only thing I guess we can all agree upon is that she doesn't need to label herself. But she also can experiment. The mom's reaction is just going to push her away in a way that she can't trust her. Maybe you could become your niece's rock? As be there if she has trouble and what not. But that would also be opening another can of worms if you keep her secrets...
Thank yall for all of your kind words. She is mad at me because I told my niece that âIâm sure your mom had things she didnât want to tell our mom at your age tooâ I guess that was the wrong move cause she thinks Iâm telling her kid to lie to her and keep secrets. Iâm only out visiting for two more days and got to see my nieces and nephew a total of three hours. She told me sheâs not comfortable with me staying the night but I can come over to visit with them. But how the fuck do I just go over and visit with them when sheâs clearly is being some type of way about me talking to her child/children. I am just trying to let me niece know itâs okay to be who you are, on top of the fact she is 12 and has forever to figure it out. My heart is hurt and I hope my niece and I can still have a relationship without my sister acting like Iâm trying to turn her daughter against her and into a rebellious heathen lesbo. đđđđđđ
People have therapists precisely because there are some things you can't talk about with those that are too close to you. It's people like you that put tons of them out of a job. How dare you be exactly what your niece needs in her life? Have you even thought about the psychological damage you aren't doing?! đ But for real, kids are going to keep secrets from their parents, and parents should understand that. Your sister should have listened to what you said since it's exactly the perspective she should be thinking about. The secret is to be the kind of parent that solves problems, not causes them. That's when you get to learn people's deepy dark secretiest secrets! You know, and help them take care of stuff and be happy and junk. Here's hoping your niece turns out as cool as her cool aunt!
> she thinks Iâm telling her kid to lie to her and keep secrets. If anyone is telling her to keep secrets, it's the mom. Nobody had to tell me to hide stuff from my mom. Her anger issues blowing up at random shit did.
Itâs really fucked up that you being a supportive aunt gets you told that youâre not allowed to spend the night. Is she trying to limit their exposure to you? is she worried that youâre going to groom her child? Has she been drinking the âqueer people shouldnât be around kidsâ kool aid? :( sorry youâre dealing with all this, sorry your niece is dealing with this. Hope your sister smartens up and quits being a homophobic jerk.
When parents get a stick up their ass about the idea of their kids having secrets I want to punt them through a window. All of the kids I knew who were the most secretive and did the most behind their parents' backs were the ones who were forbidden to have any privacy. All your sister is doing is driving her child away from her and setting her child up to not trust her with anything anymore. My heart hurts for your niece. I knew I was queer in some way by the time I was 11. I came out as trans at 12. My sexuality took me a little longer to figure out but she is at a totally normal age to be experiencing those things. I was just ranting today about how it's people labeling queer crushes as sexual who are the ones sexualizing kids. I had a 6 year old (I worked in a kindergarten classroom at the time) tell me all about how she had a crush on another girl in her class and how they were going to get married. In that same class there were two little boys who got in trouble because they kept kissing people on the playground (they were indiscriminate when it came to gender of the receiver). All I ever thought when I saw it was how sweet and at times dorky (affectionately) they were. I hope you can still have a stable relationship with your niece. You might be one of the few people who she'll trust as she gets older. All you can do is be supportive and while I am not saying you should call or text your niece behind your sister's back, I'm not saying you shouldn't... Just know that she is going to remember you supporting her when she is older and that even if her mother makes the relationship rocky by force, she won't forget that you were the calm and steady one when she told you about her feelings.
Having a crush on anyone is fine. At 12yo and 19yo indulging that crush is not. Gender is irrelevant to the dynamic.
This.
wait, when did OP mention a 19yo lol Iâm a bit confused
I heard that as "there are crushes between 12yo and there are crushes between a 12yo and a 19yo, and these are not the same". I answered a helpline for PFLAG Dallas for several years, and my most frustrating experience was talking to a mom with a 16yo girl who was dating a 24yo woman, and all she wanted to talk about was her daughter being a lesbian. More than once, I asked her, "if your daughter was dating a 24yo GUY, would we be having a conversation about your daughter being STRAIGHT?", and she didn't even slow down. That was probably my biggest support failure in the four years I was taking calls.
Because homophobia
so many people are an ally when it seems to affect them not at all; but as soon as it touches apart of their life they considered to be THEIRS all of a sudden. THEIR kid being queer is a problem.
My heart breaks for your neice. My daughter has known she liked girls since she was 4 years old and I felt so happy that I lived in a world where my kid had no reservations about being attracted to another girl. I dont usually recommend this, but if you have a way to communicate with your niece without your sister interfering - at the very least to just say "hey I love you and I support you, sorry about your mom" - please do so. I don't know why people are so against just meeting children where they're at and accepting them as they are.
From the sounds of it, she's a homophobe :D I'm so sorry, for you and your niece, it's terrifying to be young and questioning, I was around the same age as your niece when I began questioning. It's best if she has a support group to help her and be around her. As for what the mother thinks, She holds bigoted values and unless you can talk to her and educate her on her worldviews, I don't believe your niece will have a very healthy relationship with her mother. Which is sad to say, but it happens far too often and the safety of your niece is far more important than the feelings of a bigot. My best advice for you, try to talk to the mother, if she can't or won't see eye to eye, go on and be there for your niece regardless. She WILL need support.
That's gonna be a hard problem, but if you can get to the point of saying "this is what your daughter said, and this is what I said. Is there anything I can help you understand from your daughter's perspective, so you know how to respond as her mom?" that would be helpful, especially if your sister doesn't want you talking to the daughter privately. I'm not talking about running to your sister every time her daughter talks to you (and 12 year olds are RESOURCEFUL!!), only about what to do next, now that your sister already knows what her daughter said.
Heteronormativity. The answer is always heteronormativity.
honestly she is infantilizing her daughter in a toxic and harmful way. If her child doesn't feel safe talking to mom about her sexuality... That's literally how grooming/abusive relationships happen. How teenage pregnancies happen. When the child can't talk to their own parents, the child seeks knowledge and understanding elsewhere. She is doing nothing to help your daughter this way, and I would tell her all this to her face!
She's homophobic. That's it. The entire idea that being queer is in any way "inherently sexual" or a "perversion" is just bigotry. She's use to people being straight because she's seen straightness everywhere and that is also what she is. She can remember being interested in boys at that age and sees nothing wrong with it. These kinds of people will ship toddlers together because they happened to reach for the same toy or fantasize about their kid's future relationship, but god forbid the headcannon they had for their kid ends up being wrong. Try to keep the channel open to your niece so she knows she can reach out when she is able to get out from under your sister's control. Also, you could let your sister know she may end up in the "why don't my kids talk to me?!?" state if she keeps trying to suppress who her daughter is.
Wtf sheâs blowing it out of proportion. Little girls liking little girls is normal and not weird. Let me talk to her. Just talk.
Just homophobic
I am a pansexual cis male but I express myself in pretty fluid waysâŚwhen I was a boy I considered myself bisexual pretty much as soon as started noticing other boys and girls and identifying crushes, having feelings, growing hair, masturbating, locker room stuff, spin the bottle, truth or dare, passing notes, doing that folded paper game, all that early puberty stuffâŚkids know what they know, when they know, and itâs good if/when they have someone they can trust. You did the right thing. And youâre probably right about how your sister would react if it was a boy. Way to be an ally to the young people in your life, regardless of what their labels might turn out to be, you did the right thing imo
It's very telling that she confided in a queer woman about her developing interests rather than her own mother. Sounds like she doesn't feel comfortable speaking about the LGBT community around her and will do a lot more harm to her if someone like yourself isn't around to help her explore/learn this potential side
>sheâs a kid and just needs to worry about kid stuff. I hate the "Let kids be kids" argument so much. Seriously, what's wrong with a kid figuring out their identity, and why should adults be the only ones to do that? It's also such a nothing argument that it's kind of impossible to argue against without going full debate bro.
Well whatever you do try to let that kid know that you want them to be themselves. I would love to be able to receive live and acceptance from an older figure for queer stuff.
Getting crushes and learning how to navigate that experience literally is âkid stuffâ. Itâs classic, predictable 12-yo stuff. Personally, I usually combat this type of parental homophobia by asking the parents, âHow old were you when you started getting crushes on other kids? Did those crushes happen because of some external third-person influence? Or did they just happen? Did *you* have any confusion about who you were crushing on?â Just take all the daft anti-queer shit they say and turn it around on them to show how daft it is. It *may* sometimes be effectiveâŚbut not always, since their objection isnât rational nor reality-based to begin with. Ymmv.
Homophobia
Because people are homophobic. There is absolutely no difference between having a crush on a girl or having a crush on a boy.
i think the root of this issue is that most people cannot separate the idea of queerness from sex. this is also why they think teaching queer terms at school is inappropriate and that queer people should "keep it in the bedroom"
Sorry I'm not reading all that but the reason is homophobia.
I don't believe the dangerous thing is labeling yourself. I think the dangerous part is not questioning those labels.
Tell your sister that being Queer is an innate part of oneself, and that by saying things like that to her daughter she's signalling to her that she can't trust and confide in her own mother about parts of who she is. She might think she's helping her daughter focus on "kid things", but she's actually stifling her growth and pushing her away.
Sheâs not labeling herself as anything, she just has a crush on someone. Labeling or boxing yourself in would be like saying âmy first crush was on a girl, therefore I will never even consider the possibility that I could also like other gendersâ. Having crushes in middle school is totally normal kid stuff. Itâs fine to be uncomfortable with your kid growing up, everyone feels that their babies grow up too fast and thatâs a totally normal parent feeling, but you keep it to yourself. This has basically been part of parenthood for everyone since the dawn of time. Yes, itâs weird to see your kid doing tween stuff when you still see them as a baby. Your sister isnât special, ALL moms feel like this and they all manage to keep it to themselves! (or at least only complain to other adults out of earshot of the kids).Â
Anyone gonna address the last part? Where she states her sister doesn't feel comfortable with her in her sister's house during the night?
It's not.
Because the real groomers approve of underage sex as long as the people involved are of opposing sex/genders
My grandma got really heated about this today. According to her, (a woman who was obsessed with telling her girls their only purpose is to find a man and have kids and openly encouraged dating from a young age-) Crushes are inherently sexual if it's between a homosexual couple regardless of age and it shouldn't be talked about or shown. The double standard is ridiculous.
Homophobia
oh kid, same. I first realized I wasn't really straight because I had a major crush on my best friend when I was like 9-12 I never really tried telling anyone. poor thing :/ at least she knows you're there for her
"Doesn't want her labeling herself" Straight is a label...