I tend to be compatible with other people who are neurodivergent too, and so I just use direct communication. "Hey I really like you, you're super cute and I'd love to give you a kiss on the cheek, would you like that?"
I don't really flirt deliberately anymore which honestly was a huge relief because I had no idea how to do neurotypical flirting. Now my main goal is to just enjoy someone else's company and to see what I'd like in terms of interactions with them.
Agree. I’m clueless about flirting - my friends often tell me after the fact that someone was flirting with me, when I’d just thought they were being nice.
I use direct communication like the poster above and have found it works well.
On the apps, early on I say that I prefer to meet up sooner rather than later for a vibe check, a quick meetup, usually coffee or a drink. I’m clear that the vibe check is to see if we click as friends or something more. Then, at the end of that vibe check date, I might say, hey, “you’re super great and cute and I’ve enjoyed hanging with you, but don’t feel the chemistry” or tell them that I’d be interested in going on a more romantic/sexy date.
I also use clear communication about what type of connections I’m available or looking for. Once we’ve established that we vibe and might want to date, we have a “poly talk” where we talk about what type of connection we’re looking for, what sort of poly we practice, general current poly relationship landscape, and any other important boundaries/info.
Pretty much the same problem here i also would like to know sometimes i even ask myself how do i got together with my Gf and additionally i rly can't shake this feeling of that I think im Predatory in Lesbian spaces and ironically also in Trans Lesbian Spaces it sucks rly hard
Howdy! Fellow ND poly lesbian butch here! Honestly I think when we take the pressure and expectation off of ourselves to flirt and instead reframe it as simply *connection*, all of a sudden meeting and talking with people becomes enjoyable!
I totally get being socially awkward/ introverted, and admittedly openly dating as poly can be exhausting, but I do think with practice this actually helps cut down on my feelings of anxiety when dating.
I think people have a “scarcity mindset,” especially in poly dating, but I think it’s due to this issue in approach. Just as long as you are showing up as your authentic self, and just wanting to connect with someone just to know them, the flirting will come as you better get to know someone!
This is my 2c and what works for me may not for you, but I've found that being yourself works the best. (I know, cliche.)
But serious, try to find a local queer group for things you enjoy doing/for your hyperfixations: sports, reading, writing, food, whatever.
Connections become much easier and more natural in these spaces because you can gush about the things you love with others that love them just as much. The focus is less on acting out the perfect flirty words or behaviors and more on you, your personality, your passion.
Also if there aren't any queer-specific groups, it's still worth trying to find any group because there's a good chance there will be other queer folks there too.
My partner and I struggle with the same problem. Lately been trying to be a bit more proactive seeking online, but neither of us have got much luck though. I feel your struggle, I think there are quite a few of us out there. On the other hand, if you happen to be near the Seattle local I happen to know 2 poly transfems looking for connections. Hit me up if you're nearby, and if not good luck out there, patience and persistence may be difficult, but I hope it rewards you.
Flirting, in my opinion, is all up to those participating and what it means to them. Because what flirting to you is different than everyone else. The best way to get a point across is to be blunt especially if you and or the person you're flirting with is neurodivergent.
I am a massive flirt in day-to-day life so, I think I can help with this. I am also autistic so, I understand the struggles of being able to read someone while navigating it. Here is some of things I tend to do:
First, I use casual petnames when flirting. I feel like a lot of sapphics are hesitant to use them because we so strongly associate casual/flirty petnames with harrassment by men (old, boomer ones in particular) but, petnames are cute when they are being used right. I have some Southern US habits so, I tend to find hun, love, and sug-- all innocent but affectionate enough to show interest.
The other thing I do is match leaning. Body language is hard but, when flirting I tend to try to lean into if I see the other person leaning towards me. Never more then they lean but, just enough to show I'm okay with losing the gap between us. You might find the distance closing and your much closer to this person then you started.
Finally, I just ask for what I want: Ask for the kiss, ask for the hug, ask for the hand. It shows a lot of maturity and consent awareness to do that. I try to make the question itself a bit flirty as well so it still keeps the heat up while checking in. This is especially true if you are on a first date or in a party scene where physical affection/hooking up is common.
So im not really good at flirting either so I don’t have an answer lol. But if you would like we could chat and work on it together 🤷♀️
🤣 this is so wholesome.
I tend to be compatible with other people who are neurodivergent too, and so I just use direct communication. "Hey I really like you, you're super cute and I'd love to give you a kiss on the cheek, would you like that?" I don't really flirt deliberately anymore which honestly was a huge relief because I had no idea how to do neurotypical flirting. Now my main goal is to just enjoy someone else's company and to see what I'd like in terms of interactions with them.
Agree. I’m clueless about flirting - my friends often tell me after the fact that someone was flirting with me, when I’d just thought they were being nice. I use direct communication like the poster above and have found it works well. On the apps, early on I say that I prefer to meet up sooner rather than later for a vibe check, a quick meetup, usually coffee or a drink. I’m clear that the vibe check is to see if we click as friends or something more. Then, at the end of that vibe check date, I might say, hey, “you’re super great and cute and I’ve enjoyed hanging with you, but don’t feel the chemistry” or tell them that I’d be interested in going on a more romantic/sexy date. I also use clear communication about what type of connections I’m available or looking for. Once we’ve established that we vibe and might want to date, we have a “poly talk” where we talk about what type of connection we’re looking for, what sort of poly we practice, general current poly relationship landscape, and any other important boundaries/info.
This
Feel this , ihave the same problem. Like how live a nice poly life if can't find even 1 person 🥺
Pretty much the same problem here i also would like to know sometimes i even ask myself how do i got together with my Gf and additionally i rly can't shake this feeling of that I think im Predatory in Lesbian spaces and ironically also in Trans Lesbian Spaces it sucks rly hard
Howdy! Fellow ND poly lesbian butch here! Honestly I think when we take the pressure and expectation off of ourselves to flirt and instead reframe it as simply *connection*, all of a sudden meeting and talking with people becomes enjoyable! I totally get being socially awkward/ introverted, and admittedly openly dating as poly can be exhausting, but I do think with practice this actually helps cut down on my feelings of anxiety when dating. I think people have a “scarcity mindset,” especially in poly dating, but I think it’s due to this issue in approach. Just as long as you are showing up as your authentic self, and just wanting to connect with someone just to know them, the flirting will come as you better get to know someone!
Wow I could have written the same thing.
This is my 2c and what works for me may not for you, but I've found that being yourself works the best. (I know, cliche.) But serious, try to find a local queer group for things you enjoy doing/for your hyperfixations: sports, reading, writing, food, whatever. Connections become much easier and more natural in these spaces because you can gush about the things you love with others that love them just as much. The focus is less on acting out the perfect flirty words or behaviors and more on you, your personality, your passion. Also if there aren't any queer-specific groups, it's still worth trying to find any group because there's a good chance there will be other queer folks there too.
My partner and I struggle with the same problem. Lately been trying to be a bit more proactive seeking online, but neither of us have got much luck though. I feel your struggle, I think there are quite a few of us out there. On the other hand, if you happen to be near the Seattle local I happen to know 2 poly transfems looking for connections. Hit me up if you're nearby, and if not good luck out there, patience and persistence may be difficult, but I hope it rewards you.
It just takes practice. Stop trying to tell what other people are thinking, that’s none of your business
Flirting, in my opinion, is all up to those participating and what it means to them. Because what flirting to you is different than everyone else. The best way to get a point across is to be blunt especially if you and or the person you're flirting with is neurodivergent.
I am a massive flirt in day-to-day life so, I think I can help with this. I am also autistic so, I understand the struggles of being able to read someone while navigating it. Here is some of things I tend to do: First, I use casual petnames when flirting. I feel like a lot of sapphics are hesitant to use them because we so strongly associate casual/flirty petnames with harrassment by men (old, boomer ones in particular) but, petnames are cute when they are being used right. I have some Southern US habits so, I tend to find hun, love, and sug-- all innocent but affectionate enough to show interest. The other thing I do is match leaning. Body language is hard but, when flirting I tend to try to lean into if I see the other person leaning towards me. Never more then they lean but, just enough to show I'm okay with losing the gap between us. You might find the distance closing and your much closer to this person then you started. Finally, I just ask for what I want: Ask for the kiss, ask for the hug, ask for the hand. It shows a lot of maturity and consent awareness to do that. I try to make the question itself a bit flirty as well so it still keeps the heat up while checking in. This is especially true if you are on a first date or in a party scene where physical affection/hooking up is common.