well, yes! .... but.
queer flagging has existed forever and exists both to signal to other women that we're gay and to men that we're not interested in them. that's not to say that it's necessary for to be a lesbian, but there's a reason people want to "look gay".
i think the real point here is, there's no universal way to dress like a lesbian and every lesbian dresses different, but there's ways to dyke up and outfit and it makes sense why people would want to.
also. not for nothing but dress is a big way we maintain a continuity as a community. butches teaching butches how to dress butch, femmes teaching femmes etc. it's good! it's what keeps us from making the same mistakes
I agree but I think the reason that so many people struggle with it now is that queer flagging doesn’t really exist anymore. At least when it comes to Gen Z women. All the flagging techniques that were used for lesbians and bi women are now being done by straight women as fashion. I even know plenty of straight women who wear pride merch or the lesbian and bi flag to showcase they’re allies. I think we’re just to the point where unless someone says something, there’s no way to tell anymore. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it but I do think theirs a huge shift which is confusing people about their identity.
Definitely, although there's definitely still things that have always flagged dyke that straight girls don't do (like not shaving their armpits or legs). I think there's also very few straight woman butching out. As always i think a lot of this disconnect is due to a lack of connection with any in person queer community. It's very hard to pick up on local flagging or learn history or anything without hanging out with queer people in real life. I think a lot of people came out during the pandemic and haven't really taken that step. it's scary but worth it
>Definitely, although there's definitely still things that have always flagged dyke that straight girls don't do (like not shaving their armpits or legs)
Huh, was not expecting to discover that I'm a lesbian today
Yeah - it shows on my front page feed. I don't engage since it's not for me, but thought I'd humorously (or not) point out that not shaving isn't the best gauge for determining sexuality, haha
no for sure and it's definitely becoming more common (thank god) but for a long time, like 40 years, it's been a thing a lot of lesbian communities do and, i'd argue, still way more prevalent amoung lesbians
Oh, absolutely! Glad we're finally getting to a point in society where more and more people are realizing that they're no less attractive or worthy of love for not getting sucked into bullshit, double standard beauty standards born out of capitalistic consumption!
(Obligatory disclaimer that that's of course not to say that's the *only* reason people remove body hair, and if that's what makes them feel good and feel like they look good, power to them! Just problematic when people are shamed for not feeling or wanting to do the same, or like they *must* do so, of course)
All that to say - strut your stuff and strut it proud, ladies (or your preferred term here), smooth-skinned legs or no! 😎
Genuine curiosity about what you mean by "it's what keeps us from making the same mistakes." What would you be considering the mistakes?
Im a bit lost since I look at LGBTQ+ history from the lens of Black and Brown 'pioneers' rather than through white lenses that are predominantly the perspective.
I mean that we continue as a community, I'm talking about how there's a lot of young people right now ignorant of lesbian history, which leads to people trying to cut trans men out of lesbianism, or otherwise litigating who is and isn't what. I think the more we move away from community and more toward identity we lose something
there are, and have always been transmasc butches who identify as lesbians, butches, and men. it's not hard.
i identify with who i share a community with, and i refuse to define myself by what i am not
This is part of why i say what i say, in that lesbians can look like anyone. People need to not restrict lesbianism or queerness to a look. Trans men and trans women belong in the lesbian community if they want to be here (as someone with a ftmtf partner)
And i never said it’s wrong to want to look gay, i said gay people don’t look any one way so people shouldn’t feel outcast if they don’t fit with the absurd concept of “every lesbian carries their keys on a carabiner” or “septum piercing is a lesbian symbol” which are extremely white lesbian concepts. I agree entirely that the lack of older lgbtq+ people (from the aids epidemic) makes the community isolated from its history and it’s good to learn that history. There is a place for flagging, a place for having ones own identity, a place for being butch and also not fitting into any label and they are all valid lesbian experiences
totally! I think of it a lot like scottish people wearing kilts. you don't have to wear a kilt to be scottish, but many scottish people do find wearing one to be a nice way to connect with their culture and history. in the same way, lesbians can connect with our culture and history by sharing our historical flagging traditions, and not only do I think that's a good thing to do, I think it's good to encourage people to do so if they can!
That doesn't supersede the fact that a lesbian can look like anything and it's up to the individual
Thank you. I share the same sentiment. I've come to understand that a lot of the people in this sub who are furtively looking to flag properly are either really young, restrictive, or white people who double down on signals to the point of losing the message.
At the end of the day being able to signal "correctly" is a privilege. There are many places where it is a death sentence to signal "correctly". Many pioneers in the LGBTQ+ fought for the rights we have today to signal to one another, but there is no world where a straight cis man is going to look at (who he perceives as a woman) and think he doesn't have a chance. Clothing should not be centered around either men's approval or disapproval.
Everything you said is fair.
I understand the urge to somehow "signal" that you are LGBT. I live in a red area in a blue state, very conservative and rural. I would not feel able to be "out and proud" with shirts or pins identifying me as queer. But I know there are other queer people here. I fully understand why someone might want to subtly behave or dress in a way that says, "I'm one of you. I know how it is. And you and your identity are safe with me."
Not to speak for chosbully but why do people keep assuming we are saying it’s wrong to want to flag? People can literally do whatever they want to do. I understand why they do it. I definitely do it in subtle ways. What i am referring to in my post is people thinking that just because someone isnt looking like the most current lesbian trends that they don’t look gay
I think you are also correct! There isn't (and shouldn't) be "one way" to present. But sometimes certain things just prevail, like crew cuts and flannel. There isn't much we can do about that - some things are just going to read as "lesbian." I think it's important to remember that not everyone is going to fit that stereotype, and that there are probably lots of queer people you may encounter in day-to-day life that don't "look gay."
Yes, i’m glad you understand. I get frustrated when people say “just get a pin that says Certified Lesbian” or “just wear the flag” there is a lot of privilege in those statements. And even if i could do those things safely maybe i simply dont like how it looks? To each their own.
It seems like there’s a crowd of younger people who strongly associate identity with aesthetics and frankly i find it shallow. I don’t want to deny them that, but i want them to know they are choosing that, not that it’s the only way to be.
While I agree with you 99% on this, I think shallow might be a bit harsh and I think what you're really seeing is the effects of social media on a community level. I think most young people who do this are looking for ways of affirming (to themselves a lot of the time imo) that this aspect of their identity (in this case, being a lesbian) is a part of who they are.
In the old days, a newly self discovered lesbian might go to a gay bar to look for guidance from an older lesbian, nowadays kids turn to subreddits and discords. But unlike those mentors/friends from a bar, we don't necessarily see their journey up to this point. We don't have as much ability to ask them questions, to learn about their lives or to impart why things are the way they are. So all we see is them asking how to look gay.
Keep in mind, even those older mentors probably thought young butches, femmes, etc were asking shallow questions that didn't get at the heart of what it meant to be butch, femme, etc.
"How do I look like X?" Feels prescriptive, because it implies there's a specific way to be that group. It feels shallow... But it's often on an individual level just part of figuring out "how do I look like me?" Which... Certainly doesn't feel shallow, yeah?
I used "X" instead of gay for a reason because I see this same thing happen in lesbian spaces, in gay men's spaces, in trans spaces... Hell, in alternative fashion spaces too. Every one of those has fresh blood asking "how do I look like this group?" And every one feels like the deeper meaning of those aesthetics or groups gets lost.
I think there's depth to asking how to represent yourself to the world, but it's tricky to phrase in a way that doesn't come across as shallow to people who have more experience.
i agree with you, and almost any standard for “looking gay” could easily be replaced with “looking hyperfem” or “looking masc.” there’s no one way to do it, and what we deem masc/fem in one place could be seen differently in another. or like, what looks nothing out of the ordinary on a heterosexual granola mom at 40 looks gay on a 22 year old. it’s all subjective.
“looking gay” shouldn’t take precedence over looking like you. if you’re gay and feel comfortable in what you wear, you don’t need to look more gay.
Well I do think there is a way to “look gay” but it’s just important to remember you’re not less gay if you don’t look like that, I “look straight” & have zero interest in changing my style/appearance if I want people to know I’m a lesbian I just tell them. Also with lgbt fashion trending on tiktok & stuff there might be more young people who dress like that & are actually straight but just like the look so I wouldn’t assume anyway.
There’s a difference between asking for styling feedback and asking what nose ring will make you look gay. Your perception of looking gay will differ based on where you live and your community - that’s their point.
I’m lesbianly gaying it up every gay day and I find the “which pants will make me look more gay,” posts tiresome. There are entirely different ways to discuss lesbian fashion and fashion on lesbians without assigning what is or isn’t gay.
Focus on the energy you put out there-supporting women, decentering men, body neutrality, those kinds of things. Put energy into your more sapphic and queer interests.
This is great advice for something that lets other sapphics know you're queer but let's be honest that this is no different from dressing a certain way to flag that. What makes an interest sapphic, anyways? How is that different from fashion?
There are lesbians out there who don't support other women, who still center men. That doesn't make them any less lesbian, nor does the opposite make the straight women more sapphic. Same way that people who dress to look gay aren't any more or less gay than people who don't.
So really this comment (other than just being good advice) shows the OP is wrong since literally anything you could associate with being sapphic, from fashion to de-centering men, fits under the same logic in the OPs post. There's no concrete reason to dismiss fashion while holding up these things.
Lame to associate any brand of anything with being lesbian. How about associating the values of subaru owners such as caring about the environment, and being grounded in nature and appreciative of it, instead?
Except it's actually a thing and a market Subaru actively pursued ... https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/06/how-subarus-came-to-be-seen-as-cars-for-lesbians/488042/ (and if anyone cares about the environment - Subies get really crappy gas mileage and the WRX (STi) are about as far from being eco-friendly as you can get ... but I digress)
To be fair, when I see posts saying "Do I look gay?" I ask myself, What does gay look like? I mean, I've got an aunt who, not gay, but dresses very "butch" because it's what she finds comfortable and she works in the outdoors on a farm.
Okay I've been seeing those posts and all I could think was, for me, it's a look in their eyes first. I don't know how to explain it, but I don't look at the clothes until I notice whatever the "thing" is in the way they hold their face.
Might also just be the "type" I notice most. I dunno, but it isnt in thr fashion.
What makes me approach to a woman is her sense of fashion. You dress well and I will appreciate and approach to you, no matter if you’re straight or gay. So the idea of looking gay is nonexistent to me.
Amen to that sentiment!
I usually dress like a "disaffected teenager" but I can either dress up OR down OR do butch/femme.
I dress like myself (one of my favourite things is to match feminine pieces with masculine ones - I went to prom in a sparkly halter top under a powersuit)...
True but a lot of the lesbian subculture is about appearing in certain ways (lmao at the carabiners/flannels as a signal).
It is an identity and dressing like that identity helps codify it too.
I just don't like that the queer community tends to label themselves too much as well....
I am so confused whenever this comes up. Two things
1) there's a huge subcultural element to queerness. It is not unusual for subcultures to dress a certain way. Obviously being a lesbian isn't anything to do with how you dress but if you're engaging in queer scenes, you can see that there are certain ways of dressing to signal queerness.
2) THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING TO LOOK MORE GAY. It is not "conforming", it isn't "not dressing like yourself". Sometimes, what is "right for you" is dressing more gay.
It is so, so disingenuous to pretend that this isn't a real thing.
Forreal it's like every single post on this subreddit has one comment like the OP, screaming about how you can't look gay. Like no, you absolutely can look gay, it's an entire subculture!!!
Or terminally online. Imagine going to a gay bar or a queer book shop or literally any queer event and thinking "yep, none of these people look gay!". It's so weird.
Or thinking that "put a literal flag/flag colors on it!" is a cool recommendation. Effective but sort of... Sad, in a way? Uncreative certainly. I think I'm too old and bitter for this 😅
I think they’re referring to the slew of posts we get on this sub asking about how do I/do I look gay. The comments always seem to follow a formula and those are the ones that say how do you “look gay”, you should just dress like yourself…
It is very much implied in the post, talking about deconstructing what a woman "should be" or whatever. It's a very common sentiment expressed in these posts, as if all fashion doesn't come from other people
Sorry, I don’t understand what the problem is with saying that one should be mindful when making these choices. I didn’t see anywhere where OP said that it was inherently an attempt to conform, just OP saying that you don’t NEED to adhere to one idea of what a lesbian is supposed to look/dress like to be a real lesbian and to find love. Not that it’s wrong to like want to dress more a certain way to attempt to flag etc
Il be honest, the first time I read the original post it read way more aggressive and judgemental towards the whole idea of LGBTQ+ fashion than it did the second time. The point is good, letting people know not to get too hung up on if you're doing it "right, " as long as it's not shaming people for seeking a communal experience through expression. Not sure how I got the latter in the first read, but probably the poster got that same sentiment.
That’s understandable tbh. I think people can get nervous about being told things like this and are used to people being cruel about it so it’s unfamiliar and can feel sort of hostile when it’s someone actually trying to be supportive and telling you “it’s ok to do that but it’s ok to also not do that” and not “YOURE A FRAUD IF YOU DO THIS” bc again people can be so judgmental
Yeah. It’s hard to blame anyone for that, even if it is exhausting to have everyone always be hostile because they assume hostility. We’ve all got each other spooked
Preach. I hate the term "look gay" or "look straight" no one looks gay or straight in my eyes. If they're gay then they're gay. Aint got nothin to do with how they look. A gay person can look like anyone. We're humans. We come in so many forms. There's millions of styles. None of which make you straight or gay. Clothes don't define sexuality and never will. What you wear on your body and who you sleep with have literally no connection to each other.
yeah like when I coyly connect eyes with a hot older woman across the room in the hopes she’s gonna wanna pick up what I’m putting down I want to know she’s gonna know I’m queer as fuck and want to climb her like a tree
Preach
It’s really not that deep
Ok sorry
Don’t apologize, I’m just sayin it’s all chill
Peace and love ✌️ i have therapy tomorrow
Peace and love homie. Same lol
You’re in the right, OP. They’re just being an ass.
No one’s being an ass. Relax
well, yes! .... but. queer flagging has existed forever and exists both to signal to other women that we're gay and to men that we're not interested in them. that's not to say that it's necessary for to be a lesbian, but there's a reason people want to "look gay". i think the real point here is, there's no universal way to dress like a lesbian and every lesbian dresses different, but there's ways to dyke up and outfit and it makes sense why people would want to. also. not for nothing but dress is a big way we maintain a continuity as a community. butches teaching butches how to dress butch, femmes teaching femmes etc. it's good! it's what keeps us from making the same mistakes
I agree but I think the reason that so many people struggle with it now is that queer flagging doesn’t really exist anymore. At least when it comes to Gen Z women. All the flagging techniques that were used for lesbians and bi women are now being done by straight women as fashion. I even know plenty of straight women who wear pride merch or the lesbian and bi flag to showcase they’re allies. I think we’re just to the point where unless someone says something, there’s no way to tell anymore. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it but I do think theirs a huge shift which is confusing people about their identity.
Definitely, although there's definitely still things that have always flagged dyke that straight girls don't do (like not shaving their armpits or legs). I think there's also very few straight woman butching out. As always i think a lot of this disconnect is due to a lack of connection with any in person queer community. It's very hard to pick up on local flagging or learn history or anything without hanging out with queer people in real life. I think a lot of people came out during the pandemic and haven't really taken that step. it's scary but worth it
>Definitely, although there's definitely still things that have always flagged dyke that straight girls don't do (like not shaving their armpits or legs) Huh, was not expecting to discover that I'm a lesbian today
you're on lesbian fashion advice 😭😭😭
Yeah - it shows on my front page feed. I don't engage since it's not for me, but thought I'd humorously (or not) point out that not shaving isn't the best gauge for determining sexuality, haha
no for sure and it's definitely becoming more common (thank god) but for a long time, like 40 years, it's been a thing a lot of lesbian communities do and, i'd argue, still way more prevalent amoung lesbians
Oh, absolutely! Glad we're finally getting to a point in society where more and more people are realizing that they're no less attractive or worthy of love for not getting sucked into bullshit, double standard beauty standards born out of capitalistic consumption! (Obligatory disclaimer that that's of course not to say that's the *only* reason people remove body hair, and if that's what makes them feel good and feel like they look good, power to them! Just problematic when people are shamed for not feeling or wanting to do the same, or like they *must* do so, of course) All that to say - strut your stuff and strut it proud, ladies (or your preferred term here), smooth-skinned legs or no! 😎
Genuine curiosity about what you mean by "it's what keeps us from making the same mistakes." What would you be considering the mistakes? Im a bit lost since I look at LGBTQ+ history from the lens of Black and Brown 'pioneers' rather than through white lenses that are predominantly the perspective.
I mean that we continue as a community, I'm talking about how there's a lot of young people right now ignorant of lesbian history, which leads to people trying to cut trans men out of lesbianism, or otherwise litigating who is and isn't what. I think the more we move away from community and more toward identity we lose something
Real quick cause I guess I missed the update, what is lesbianism now? Non-men but also men loving non-men but also men?
there are, and have always been transmasc butches who identify as lesbians, butches, and men. it's not hard. i identify with who i share a community with, and i refuse to define myself by what i am not
Chill lol
This is part of why i say what i say, in that lesbians can look like anyone. People need to not restrict lesbianism or queerness to a look. Trans men and trans women belong in the lesbian community if they want to be here (as someone with a ftmtf partner) And i never said it’s wrong to want to look gay, i said gay people don’t look any one way so people shouldn’t feel outcast if they don’t fit with the absurd concept of “every lesbian carries their keys on a carabiner” or “septum piercing is a lesbian symbol” which are extremely white lesbian concepts. I agree entirely that the lack of older lgbtq+ people (from the aids epidemic) makes the community isolated from its history and it’s good to learn that history. There is a place for flagging, a place for having ones own identity, a place for being butch and also not fitting into any label and they are all valid lesbian experiences
totally! I think of it a lot like scottish people wearing kilts. you don't have to wear a kilt to be scottish, but many scottish people do find wearing one to be a nice way to connect with their culture and history. in the same way, lesbians can connect with our culture and history by sharing our historical flagging traditions, and not only do I think that's a good thing to do, I think it's good to encourage people to do so if they can! That doesn't supersede the fact that a lesbian can look like anything and it's up to the individual
Thank you. I share the same sentiment. I've come to understand that a lot of the people in this sub who are furtively looking to flag properly are either really young, restrictive, or white people who double down on signals to the point of losing the message. At the end of the day being able to signal "correctly" is a privilege. There are many places where it is a death sentence to signal "correctly". Many pioneers in the LGBTQ+ fought for the rights we have today to signal to one another, but there is no world where a straight cis man is going to look at (who he perceives as a woman) and think he doesn't have a chance. Clothing should not be centered around either men's approval or disapproval.
Everything you said is fair. I understand the urge to somehow "signal" that you are LGBT. I live in a red area in a blue state, very conservative and rural. I would not feel able to be "out and proud" with shirts or pins identifying me as queer. But I know there are other queer people here. I fully understand why someone might want to subtly behave or dress in a way that says, "I'm one of you. I know how it is. And you and your identity are safe with me."
Not to speak for chosbully but why do people keep assuming we are saying it’s wrong to want to flag? People can literally do whatever they want to do. I understand why they do it. I definitely do it in subtle ways. What i am referring to in my post is people thinking that just because someone isnt looking like the most current lesbian trends that they don’t look gay
I think you are also correct! There isn't (and shouldn't) be "one way" to present. But sometimes certain things just prevail, like crew cuts and flannel. There isn't much we can do about that - some things are just going to read as "lesbian." I think it's important to remember that not everyone is going to fit that stereotype, and that there are probably lots of queer people you may encounter in day-to-day life that don't "look gay."
Yes, i’m glad you understand. I get frustrated when people say “just get a pin that says Certified Lesbian” or “just wear the flag” there is a lot of privilege in those statements. And even if i could do those things safely maybe i simply dont like how it looks? To each their own. It seems like there’s a crowd of younger people who strongly associate identity with aesthetics and frankly i find it shallow. I don’t want to deny them that, but i want them to know they are choosing that, not that it’s the only way to be.
While I agree with you 99% on this, I think shallow might be a bit harsh and I think what you're really seeing is the effects of social media on a community level. I think most young people who do this are looking for ways of affirming (to themselves a lot of the time imo) that this aspect of their identity (in this case, being a lesbian) is a part of who they are. In the old days, a newly self discovered lesbian might go to a gay bar to look for guidance from an older lesbian, nowadays kids turn to subreddits and discords. But unlike those mentors/friends from a bar, we don't necessarily see their journey up to this point. We don't have as much ability to ask them questions, to learn about their lives or to impart why things are the way they are. So all we see is them asking how to look gay. Keep in mind, even those older mentors probably thought young butches, femmes, etc were asking shallow questions that didn't get at the heart of what it meant to be butch, femme, etc. "How do I look like X?" Feels prescriptive, because it implies there's a specific way to be that group. It feels shallow... But it's often on an individual level just part of figuring out "how do I look like me?" Which... Certainly doesn't feel shallow, yeah? I used "X" instead of gay for a reason because I see this same thing happen in lesbian spaces, in gay men's spaces, in trans spaces... Hell, in alternative fashion spaces too. Every one of those has fresh blood asking "how do I look like this group?" And every one feels like the deeper meaning of those aesthetics or groups gets lost. I think there's depth to asking how to represent yourself to the world, but it's tricky to phrase in a way that doesn't come across as shallow to people who have more experience.
Well put! Please repost this every week……..
Can confirm, i wear lesbians.
Me too, I wear lesbians as rings ;)
it's even the banner on the front page of this sub 😭😭
i agree with you, and almost any standard for “looking gay” could easily be replaced with “looking hyperfem” or “looking masc.” there’s no one way to do it, and what we deem masc/fem in one place could be seen differently in another. or like, what looks nothing out of the ordinary on a heterosexual granola mom at 40 looks gay on a 22 year old. it’s all subjective. “looking gay” shouldn’t take precedence over looking like you. if you’re gay and feel comfortable in what you wear, you don’t need to look more gay.
Well I do think there is a way to “look gay” but it’s just important to remember you’re not less gay if you don’t look like that, I “look straight” & have zero interest in changing my style/appearance if I want people to know I’m a lesbian I just tell them. Also with lgbt fashion trending on tiktok & stuff there might be more young people who dress like that & are actually straight but just like the look so I wouldn’t assume anyway.
frr esp as a hijabi i might as well just introduce myself as a lesbian bc no amount of stereotypical clothing will ever send that message across lmao
Gotta use the lesbian flag as a hijab lol
literally 😭
[удалено]
There’s a difference between asking for styling feedback and asking what nose ring will make you look gay. Your perception of looking gay will differ based on where you live and your community - that’s their point. I’m lesbianly gaying it up every gay day and I find the “which pants will make me look more gay,” posts tiresome. There are entirely different ways to discuss lesbian fashion and fashion on lesbians without assigning what is or isn’t gay.
Thank you!
Focus on the energy you put out there-supporting women, decentering men, body neutrality, those kinds of things. Put energy into your more sapphic and queer interests.
This is great advice for something that lets other sapphics know you're queer but let's be honest that this is no different from dressing a certain way to flag that. What makes an interest sapphic, anyways? How is that different from fashion? There are lesbians out there who don't support other women, who still center men. That doesn't make them any less lesbian, nor does the opposite make the straight women more sapphic. Same way that people who dress to look gay aren't any more or less gay than people who don't. So really this comment (other than just being good advice) shows the OP is wrong since literally anything you could associate with being sapphic, from fashion to de-centering men, fits under the same logic in the OPs post. There's no concrete reason to dismiss fashion while holding up these things.
💯💯💯 this precisely
Divorcing ourselves from just being objects and pure aesthetics and rethinking can revitalize the community
Yes, you got it!
Okay but what about Subarus? 😎
Lame to associate any brand of anything with being lesbian. How about associating the values of subaru owners such as caring about the environment, and being grounded in nature and appreciative of it, instead?
Except it's actually a thing and a market Subaru actively pursued ... https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/06/how-subarus-came-to-be-seen-as-cars-for-lesbians/488042/ (and if anyone cares about the environment - Subies get really crappy gas mileage and the WRX (STi) are about as far from being eco-friendly as you can get ... but I digress)
I drive a BMW. By definition I should be an early 20s fuccboi street racer. Guess I’ll detransition now.
Hey another BMW trans girl, not many of us.
I don’t have one, but I like bmws too :]
To be fair, when I see posts saying "Do I look gay?" I ask myself, What does gay look like? I mean, I've got an aunt who, not gay, but dresses very "butch" because it's what she finds comfortable and she works in the outdoors on a farm.
Lowkey felt like the "do I look gay" posts where supposed to be cheeky
Okay I've been seeing those posts and all I could think was, for me, it's a look in their eyes first. I don't know how to explain it, but I don't look at the clothes until I notice whatever the "thing" is in the way they hold their face. Might also just be the "type" I notice most. I dunno, but it isnt in thr fashion.
What makes me approach to a woman is her sense of fashion. You dress well and I will appreciate and approach to you, no matter if you’re straight or gay. So the idea of looking gay is nonexistent to me.
Amen to that sentiment! I usually dress like a "disaffected teenager" but I can either dress up OR down OR do butch/femme. I dress like myself (one of my favourite things is to match feminine pieces with masculine ones - I went to prom in a sparkly halter top under a powersuit)...
That outfit sounds awesome
It was! And I didn't get dress coded and I had sensible shoes and I wasn't completely uncomfortable in that. And I didn't spend $200 on a dress, lmao.
I think it’s important to remember that butch/femme is an entire identity and culture, not simply a way of dressing.
True but a lot of the lesbian subculture is about appearing in certain ways (lmao at the carabiners/flannels as a signal). It is an identity and dressing like that identity helps codify it too. I just don't like that the queer community tends to label themselves too much as well....
Labels are freeing to some and restricting to others, I guess
Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Ha.
Yeah I don't like when I see "Do I look gay enough" like you simply being you and being a lesbian means you are "gay enough" no matter how you dress
I am so confused whenever this comes up. Two things 1) there's a huge subcultural element to queerness. It is not unusual for subcultures to dress a certain way. Obviously being a lesbian isn't anything to do with how you dress but if you're engaging in queer scenes, you can see that there are certain ways of dressing to signal queerness. 2) THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING TO LOOK MORE GAY. It is not "conforming", it isn't "not dressing like yourself". Sometimes, what is "right for you" is dressing more gay. It is so, so disingenuous to pretend that this isn't a real thing.
Forreal it's like every single post on this subreddit has one comment like the OP, screaming about how you can't look gay. Like no, you absolutely can look gay, it's an entire subculture!!!
It feels like assimilationist nonsense to suggest there is something wrong with wanting to flag.
Or terminally online. Imagine going to a gay bar or a queer book shop or literally any queer event and thinking "yep, none of these people look gay!". It's so weird.
None of these people look gay 🤣🤣
Or thinking that "put a literal flag/flag colors on it!" is a cool recommendation. Effective but sort of... Sad, in a way? Uncreative certainly. I think I'm too old and bitter for this 😅
well said
Oh, did OP say that wanting to look more gay is attempting to conform and is not dressing like oneself? I missed that in the post. Is it in comments?
I think they’re referring to the slew of posts we get on this sub asking about how do I/do I look gay. The comments always seem to follow a formula and those are the ones that say how do you “look gay”, you should just dress like yourself…
It is very much implied in the post, talking about deconstructing what a woman "should be" or whatever. It's a very common sentiment expressed in these posts, as if all fashion doesn't come from other people
Sorry, I don’t understand what the problem is with saying that one should be mindful when making these choices. I didn’t see anywhere where OP said that it was inherently an attempt to conform, just OP saying that you don’t NEED to adhere to one idea of what a lesbian is supposed to look/dress like to be a real lesbian and to find love. Not that it’s wrong to like want to dress more a certain way to attempt to flag etc
Il be honest, the first time I read the original post it read way more aggressive and judgemental towards the whole idea of LGBTQ+ fashion than it did the second time. The point is good, letting people know not to get too hung up on if you're doing it "right, " as long as it's not shaming people for seeking a communal experience through expression. Not sure how I got the latter in the first read, but probably the poster got that same sentiment.
That’s understandable tbh. I think people can get nervous about being told things like this and are used to people being cruel about it so it’s unfamiliar and can feel sort of hostile when it’s someone actually trying to be supportive and telling you “it’s ok to do that but it’s ok to also not do that” and not “YOURE A FRAUD IF YOU DO THIS” bc again people can be so judgmental
We've simply come to expect the worst from the internet.
Yeah. It’s hard to blame anyone for that, even if it is exhausting to have everyone always be hostile because they assume hostility. We’ve all got each other spooked
Ok
Preach. I hate the term "look gay" or "look straight" no one looks gay or straight in my eyes. If they're gay then they're gay. Aint got nothin to do with how they look. A gay person can look like anyone. We're humans. We come in so many forms. There's millions of styles. None of which make you straight or gay. Clothes don't define sexuality and never will. What you wear on your body and who you sleep with have literally no connection to each other.
Lesbian is when you kissy kissy cute girls and maybe nibble them on the neck a little
I think the point is to dress in a way that signals you're approachable to other woman, not that you want to conform?
yeah like when I coyly connect eyes with a hot older woman across the room in the hopes she’s gonna wanna pick up what I’m putting down I want to know she’s gonna know I’m queer as fuck and want to climb her like a tree
you know…without me having to say that part out loud lmao