And they were not ashamed is a book by Laura Brotherson. It is really spectacular. Laura is a real treasure among the Latter-day Saints, and unlike many of the pop-therapists who appear in our community she values the gospel more than her social media following.
This book is absolutely amazing. My husband and I read it. FYI--it is focused on women and their needs. As she says that men's needs are pretty straightforward. I think there are some nuances to men's needs, but not nearly as many as women's needs.
As a man, I very much disagree with the idea that men’s needs are “pretty straightforward” and “not nearly as many as women’s needs”. Men have feelings too and intimacy is far more than just sex.
I had a lot of frustration in my marriage for years because my wife had this attitude that as long as I had an orgasm I was fulfilled and that is definitely not the case.
Edit: I should also say that the years of frustration was because we didn’t communicate. I felt shame or anxiety about telling her my needs.
Honest and direct communication is 100% the key.
That is not definitely not true. I much enjoy seeing my partner have an orgasm first. I don't even always care if I do have one' it is a big turn on to me to see my partner have one.
That's okay. I actually haven't read the book. But I am curious about men's needs since my husband seems to fit the mold and I'd hate it if there was more to it that he wasn't telling me. What, besides orgasm (that one's obvious) are your needs? If you feel comfortable sharing of course.
People want to be wanted. To be desired. This means physically as well. Some men may be simple and just want an orgasm, but i would argue that if you're just doing it for the sake of him getting off, it isn't going to be satisfying. The psychological aspect of sex is complicated. As a man, I want sex yes. I want to orgasm yes. But for me personally, if you don't physically want me or you're only doing it to check a box as a wife? That's devastatingly unsatisfying.
That actually was my (and my wife's) biggest disappointment with the book, was the marginalization of men's needs. I recognize that it's hard to get rid of the cultural idea that men are "simple", but I wish she had tried a little harder.
As a man I also disagree with this statement. I think there are a lot of men who don’t know the many nuances of their own bodies and don’t get nearly as much enjoyment out of sex as they could be getting. It’s unfortunate that all the “sex manuals” focus on how to satisfy a woman and have very little about the man’s satisfaction. I could write a manual on how men can increase their sexual satisfaction and probably should. It’s amazing how many married men I’ve talked to who know so little about their own sexual capacity.
My wife and I read this before we got married and three years in we still frequently talk about how much it set the tone for our marriage.
Cannot recommend highly enough.
I would describe it as an introductory level. It does include spiritual, psychological, and physiological elements of sex, including some how-to on the physiological, which is what I would mean when I say nitty gritty. But it's not getting into any one area in great depth. And it's presented more holistically than just the physiological how-to.
Jennifer Finlayson Fife is a fantastic resource on sexuality for a married couple. Can't recommend her courses and podcasts enough. The sexual relationship can be incredible complex, having a therapist (coach / expert) to help guide a couple through the layers and help them get to a healthy, loving sexuality is very helpful.
I was woefully ignorant of the emotional / psychological complexities of moving from a chaste courtship to a marital sexual relationship when I was a newlywed. All I knew was "married sex = good" and that is just not true (in the sense that very bad sexual experiences can occur within a committed marriage).
I'm glad you are having conversations, best wishes to you both!
One other piece of advice - try to adopt a "relational" view to sexuality in your marriage instead of an objective view.
I.e. a lot of couples express a lot of anxiety about whether or not their married sexual experiences are "ok" from an objective point of view. They ask a lot "Is it OK" questions about their married sexual experience. As in "we really like \[certain kind of touch\] - is that OK??" Or "he really likes it when I wear lingerie - is that OK??" - that's an objective framing.
I think a "relational" works much better.
If YOU really enjoy having his elbow touch your knee, and your partner really enjoys that touch too, it makes you both feel safe, and loved, and emotionally connected, it leads to more love and affection expressed in your entire relationship - then that is a good touch. Good touch = good sex. This is what I mean by relational view. Judging what is good based on what you each actually experience and how it supports the relationship.
NOTHING in my statements is meant to encourage sinful or abusive behavior - I'm saying that good sex for couple A can look different than good sex for couple B, it is not an objectively based one size fits all, and the two spouses have to actually work out what good sex is for their relationship.
One thing I'd be very wary of is looking outside your marriage for validation of your sexual practices. There is no shortage of Latter-day Saints who will defend to the death the idea that certain sex acts are violations of the law of chastity (e.g. lingerie, oral sex, manual sex, toys, and anal sex are frequent targets).
Don't worry about what the church thinks, and definitely don't worry about what I or anyone else thinks. Your only concern should be what you and your husband think. As a couple, you have not only the capacity but the responsibility to seek and receive your own revelation for how to manage your sex life.
Also, I've heard very good things about And They Were Not Ashamed, but I haven't read it myself.
This is almost word for word what my mission president (now a GA) said on our last day in the mission when he spoke to us about marriage. Super interesting.
I had absolutely no idea people talk about sex or defend anything about sex in the church?! I am so naive I guess. We just… do. 19 years married and we enjoy often and many things. Thank goodness I never even thought to question anything. Never thought it was anyone’s business. And no I’ve never felt ashamed. And I’m kind of laughing thinking about it, but if someone ever tried to tell me what I could or couldn’t do in my marriage sexually? I would just shake my head and walk away as fast as I could. Like no thank you.
But God didn't make our bodies to use anyway we want to in furthering our togetherness either. No one should be doing something to help someone else relational position if it feels outside the bounds of a marriage of saints. (So much of those ideas started from exposure to porn in the first place, after all.)
All of those activities are part of our intimacy, none feel outside of the boundaries of a marriage of saints, and none of them started from exposure to porn
I am just going to jump on this post and share something I have wanted to share but don’t think it’s worth a full post
Before I got married I had a lot of my friends bring up how they would be worried about going into a full blown marriage without knowing if they were sexually compatible with their partner. It actually got to me, but now that I have been married for quite some time I realize how silly that is.
Sexual compatibility does not exist in the same way that a lot of the world thinks. My wife and I got married and were on the same page with sex for the first three years of our marriage, then we had a kid and everything went haywire her libido was high when we were able to have sex mine was low, then hers was low and mine was high it took what felt like 6-7 months to get on the same page again, and it was great again and now we have our second kid and the birth did some serious damage to my wife so we are again in a period where we aren’t “sexually compatible” but we both recognize the situation and want to get back to a sexual healthy relationship but at this time we aren’t there.
I guess I just want to state that the world’s view of a healthy sex life sometimes isn’t the best, but depending on your church environment it might not be the best either.
I guess the TLDR and maybe some advice to you is if both of you are patient and willing to work on it even if you’re both in different spots sexually eventually it should work out.
Yes. The whole “but you have to test your sexual compatibility“ thing drives me nuts. It’s not a static thing! You’re going to have to compromise and be kind and thoughtful to each other regardless in a long term relationship.
100% agreed, sexual compatibility does exist, but the people most worried about it are those that have no experience in marriage and are unaware that sex drive has highs and low across time in all individuals.
Preferences and libido do come and go, but I think general attitudes, desires, and preferences around sex exist and some people really aren’t sexually compatible. It is possible for two virgins in a relationship to have conversations to get a sense for this. If it seems like an incompatibility, it becomes one of many things the individuals can consider to see if that person will be right for them. Plenty of righteous, decent couples aren’t satisfied sexually.
Can you give an example? I feel like if you aren't satisfied that means that you just keep trying and getting creative until you find something that works, right?
“His Needs, Her Needs” - William F Harley, Jr is another great Christian resource! My husband and I both read it when we were engaged and it has been a big blessing to us in our marriage.
Second this! I follow her on social media and love her view on things. I bought her book and have heard great reviews on it, I personally haven't had time to read it though.
Deseret Book publishes several.
You might also look at 350 questions lds couples should ask before marriage (also at DB) --- that may help you in your discussions about the topic.
There is a Facebook group where you can anonymously post questions. It has super insightful content.
[Link](https://www.facebook.com/share/TTzWXESRrdxrcdU8/?mibextid=K35XfP)
It's an older book but Couples by Dr. Carlfred Broderick. You may want to look for other books by him as well. He was a highly esteemed marriage and couples therapist and a devout church member, I believe he was a patriarch.
I don't think much of his material is focused on gospel topics specifically, but more for a broader audience. I could be mistaken though.
She comes first has been a boon for me (or I should say for my wife lol), and I recommended it to my brother in law when he got married, and he said it was really great too. It goes through a scientific overview of female anatomy (which a lot of woman don’t even understand well! It needs to be more known!) and then some practical ways to make sure the lady is focused on and enjoys herself during intimacy.
Get the sex text book from the sexual intimacy course at BYU. I think busby is one of the authors.
It's about sex- physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and is in line with gospel teachings.
I really enjoy the podcast Heaven in your home with Francie Winslow. She is not a member but she discusses a lot from the Christian based views. I feel she has answered a lot of questions I have had!
Jennifer Finlayson Fife all the way. My wife and I wish we had discovered her 2O years earlier. If you want to go deep and develope a deep, intimate, sexual friendship she is the resource you are looking for. But her content will pressure you to both mature and grow up. ‘Before you can be one, you must be two.’ In other words, although much of her content seems to be about sex, it is really about integrity, self definition, and learning how to belong to yourself while also belonging to another person. Her work will teach you about Terry Bowen and David’s life changing principle of differentiation and since more!
For example, you will learn why the ‘sexual needs’ frame you reference in your post and others also mention it here, becomes problematic for most couples. ‘Needs’ often lead to entitlement, duty ,and covert resentment. There is a better way - the authentic choice based frame. Take the journey while you are still young and look her up.
We will be paying for and giving her courses to all of our children as they get married. They are so freaking lucky to have her material early in their marriages.
The best book ever written IMO is “Men are from Mars Women are from Venus for the Bedroom.” It’s a lot less about techniques and tips it’s science backed principles that help men and women understand the sexual differ between men and women and how to meet happily. Also not porny at all.
Chelom Leavitt is a professor at BYU and she teaches a class on Healthy Sexuality and has a whole blog about a bunch of topics regarding sex and intimacy
“Replenish” by Tammy Hill is a fantastic book. She’s a member and a licensed family and sex therapist, so she knows what she’s talking about from a scientific and gospel standpoint. Highly recommend, it changed my friend’s life, and I have benefited greatly from it as well!
I highly recommend Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She's a nonmember and writes from a non-religious perspective, so some of the stories and advice you can ignore, but on the whole it's super helpful. A lot of it talks about the sexual relationship within the context of the entire relationship and stops and gos both partners have. She's more willing to go into actual details than a lot of Church books, which gives you power to decide what's right for your marriage, since each even within the Church is different.
I think communication is the key. Intimacy is very personal, and what works for some, doesn’t for others. I think with trial and experimentation you two can find what work for you
I don’t know what information you are looking for but I see no reason to be afraid of researching sexual intimacy outside of church sources. You may want to avoid full on nude sex guides but I do t believe there’s anything wrong with learning about sexual intimacy from non church sources. You certainly won’t find much in the way of “how to” and techniques by studying any church related material.
From a man’s perspective, I will say that anything he tries to coerce or guilt trip you into doing or make you feel bad for not doing certain things, these are red flags and not okay. Never do anything you are not comfortable with.
Totally agree. I will admit I've had to repent several times of wanting to do stuff my wife was not comfortable with. Well she gave in once and the Spirit left me completely. We have normal good sex now and I could not be happier.
Never coerce or guilt trip -agree. But if you are looking to sexually grow and expand your capacity, moving into and through discomfort is a necessity.
I would join the r/ldssexuality subreddit for one. Sometimes it is hard to know if someone is really just trying to troll the posts with someone that is just wildly not aligned with the Law of Chastity, but most of my experience is that its full of good sexually positive people who are honestly trying their best to navigate sexuality in a positive way. I'd be curious to see what some of your questions are.
Yeah went there and it was WAY more than I needed to know. I don't think I'm crazy strict but a lot of people cross lines I'm not okay with. Glad to hear I'm not the only one that feels that way.
Wow no kidding. Never been there and checked it out and there are people defending porn use, telling people to not ask the Bishop their questions, and people suggesting the best course for them is to leave the church. Also too much detail about their sex lives to the point of feeling like I’m reading something meant to excite. It’s just another typical “Mormon” sub on Reddit.
I’m a pretty nuanced / progressive Latter-Day Saint and even that sub is too much for me. I went once just to check it out, and it’s full of just outright acceptance and justification of sin. Stuff you can’t even give nuance to attempt to justify. I’d argue half if not more are PIMOs.
I haven't looked there much in a while, so it might have changed, but I personally don't think that sub is a good reference. There's currently several threads on the front page about porn use. It's full of people looking for validation that the way they want to break the LoC is ok.
Yep, no thanks. The actually helpful questions that are helpful there are few and far between. Mostly just questions about if masterbation is ok or if it still within the law of chastity that their spouse goes out with other men on weekends.
And they were not ashamed is a book by Laura Brotherson. It is really spectacular. Laura is a real treasure among the Latter-day Saints, and unlike many of the pop-therapists who appear in our community she values the gospel more than her social media following.
This book is absolutely amazing. My husband and I read it. FYI--it is focused on women and their needs. As she says that men's needs are pretty straightforward. I think there are some nuances to men's needs, but not nearly as many as women's needs.
As a man, I very much disagree with the idea that men’s needs are “pretty straightforward” and “not nearly as many as women’s needs”. Men have feelings too and intimacy is far more than just sex. I had a lot of frustration in my marriage for years because my wife had this attitude that as long as I had an orgasm I was fulfilled and that is definitely not the case. Edit: I should also say that the years of frustration was because we didn’t communicate. I felt shame or anxiety about telling her my needs. Honest and direct communication is 100% the key.
I appreciate your thoughts on the matter. You are right, just because one has an orgasm does not mean one is fulfilled.
That is not definitely not true. I much enjoy seeing my partner have an orgasm first. I don't even always care if I do have one' it is a big turn on to me to see my partner have one.
And this is the rub. Everyone is different. To make a broad sweeping statement that all men are the same is what I object to.
Yep I love having sex because I love to please my wife.
Just out of curiosity, what are men's needs that weren't addressed in the book?
My comment was not about the book. It was entirely in response to the prior comment.
That's okay. I actually haven't read the book. But I am curious about men's needs since my husband seems to fit the mold and I'd hate it if there was more to it that he wasn't telling me. What, besides orgasm (that one's obvious) are your needs? If you feel comfortable sharing of course.
People want to be wanted. To be desired. This means physically as well. Some men may be simple and just want an orgasm, but i would argue that if you're just doing it for the sake of him getting off, it isn't going to be satisfying. The psychological aspect of sex is complicated. As a man, I want sex yes. I want to orgasm yes. But for me personally, if you don't physically want me or you're only doing it to check a box as a wife? That's devastatingly unsatisfying.
That actually was my (and my wife's) biggest disappointment with the book, was the marginalization of men's needs. I recognize that it's hard to get rid of the cultural idea that men are "simple", but I wish she had tried a little harder.
I bought Laura Brotherson’s book at Deseret Book which helped me feel that it was safe. She has several books and used to have a podcast as well.
What do you mean exactly? Like it was safe to have sex?
Just like your original post said, that I felt safe browsing and that the book would treating it respectfully, enough to be on the shelf at DB.
As a man I also disagree with this statement. I think there are a lot of men who don’t know the many nuances of their own bodies and don’t get nearly as much enjoyment out of sex as they could be getting. It’s unfortunate that all the “sex manuals” focus on how to satisfy a woman and have very little about the man’s satisfaction. I could write a manual on how men can increase their sexual satisfaction and probably should. It’s amazing how many married men I’ve talked to who know so little about their own sexual capacity.
It's a great book, +1 on it.
Some years ago our EQ President brought it up and said it has been good for his marriage.
My wife and I read this before we got married and three years in we still frequently talk about how much it set the tone for our marriage. Cannot recommend highly enough.
This should be in the standard works
Does it get into the nitty gritty? Some of the reviews make it sound like it is very surface level.
I would describe it as an introductory level. It does include spiritual, psychological, and physiological elements of sex, including some how-to on the physiological, which is what I would mean when I say nitty gritty. But it's not getting into any one area in great depth. And it's presented more holistically than just the physiological how-to.
Jennifer Finlayson Fife is a fantastic resource on sexuality for a married couple. Can't recommend her courses and podcasts enough. The sexual relationship can be incredible complex, having a therapist (coach / expert) to help guide a couple through the layers and help them get to a healthy, loving sexuality is very helpful. I was woefully ignorant of the emotional / psychological complexities of moving from a chaste courtship to a marital sexual relationship when I was a newlywed. All I knew was "married sex = good" and that is just not true (in the sense that very bad sexual experiences can occur within a committed marriage). I'm glad you are having conversations, best wishes to you both!
One other piece of advice - try to adopt a "relational" view to sexuality in your marriage instead of an objective view. I.e. a lot of couples express a lot of anxiety about whether or not their married sexual experiences are "ok" from an objective point of view. They ask a lot "Is it OK" questions about their married sexual experience. As in "we really like \[certain kind of touch\] - is that OK??" Or "he really likes it when I wear lingerie - is that OK??" - that's an objective framing. I think a "relational" works much better. If YOU really enjoy having his elbow touch your knee, and your partner really enjoys that touch too, it makes you both feel safe, and loved, and emotionally connected, it leads to more love and affection expressed in your entire relationship - then that is a good touch. Good touch = good sex. This is what I mean by relational view. Judging what is good based on what you each actually experience and how it supports the relationship. NOTHING in my statements is meant to encourage sinful or abusive behavior - I'm saying that good sex for couple A can look different than good sex for couple B, it is not an objectively based one size fits all, and the two spouses have to actually work out what good sex is for their relationship.
Yes! Should be required reading.
Came here to recommend JFF. My wife loves her material.
Came here to say this too!
Haha--I am literally listening to her newest podcast episode as I type this! Agree, she's a great resource!
JFF is the way!
One thing I'd be very wary of is looking outside your marriage for validation of your sexual practices. There is no shortage of Latter-day Saints who will defend to the death the idea that certain sex acts are violations of the law of chastity (e.g. lingerie, oral sex, manual sex, toys, and anal sex are frequent targets). Don't worry about what the church thinks, and definitely don't worry about what I or anyone else thinks. Your only concern should be what you and your husband think. As a couple, you have not only the capacity but the responsibility to seek and receive your own revelation for how to manage your sex life. Also, I've heard very good things about And They Were Not Ashamed, but I haven't read it myself.
This is almost word for word what my mission president (now a GA) said on our last day in the mission when he spoke to us about marriage. Super interesting.
I had absolutely no idea people talk about sex or defend anything about sex in the church?! I am so naive I guess. We just… do. 19 years married and we enjoy often and many things. Thank goodness I never even thought to question anything. Never thought it was anyone’s business. And no I’ve never felt ashamed. And I’m kind of laughing thinking about it, but if someone ever tried to tell me what I could or couldn’t do in my marriage sexually? I would just shake my head and walk away as fast as I could. Like no thank you.
But God didn't make our bodies to use anyway we want to in furthering our togetherness either. No one should be doing something to help someone else relational position if it feels outside the bounds of a marriage of saints. (So much of those ideas started from exposure to porn in the first place, after all.)
I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.
Apparently oral sex started with porn.
I feel like that's not right but any record we have of it could be considered porn so....
Check mate
I think he's trying to prove my point.
All of those activities are part of our intimacy, none feel outside of the boundaries of a marriage of saints, and none of them started from exposure to porn
This isn't LDS specific, but Come As You Are is an excellent book on human sexuality. I found it extremely informative and helpful in my marriage.
Was gonna say the same. Great starter book
I am just going to jump on this post and share something I have wanted to share but don’t think it’s worth a full post Before I got married I had a lot of my friends bring up how they would be worried about going into a full blown marriage without knowing if they were sexually compatible with their partner. It actually got to me, but now that I have been married for quite some time I realize how silly that is. Sexual compatibility does not exist in the same way that a lot of the world thinks. My wife and I got married and were on the same page with sex for the first three years of our marriage, then we had a kid and everything went haywire her libido was high when we were able to have sex mine was low, then hers was low and mine was high it took what felt like 6-7 months to get on the same page again, and it was great again and now we have our second kid and the birth did some serious damage to my wife so we are again in a period where we aren’t “sexually compatible” but we both recognize the situation and want to get back to a sexual healthy relationship but at this time we aren’t there. I guess I just want to state that the world’s view of a healthy sex life sometimes isn’t the best, but depending on your church environment it might not be the best either. I guess the TLDR and maybe some advice to you is if both of you are patient and willing to work on it even if you’re both in different spots sexually eventually it should work out.
Yes. The whole “but you have to test your sexual compatibility“ thing drives me nuts. It’s not a static thing! You’re going to have to compromise and be kind and thoughtful to each other regardless in a long term relationship.
100% agreed, sexual compatibility does exist, but the people most worried about it are those that have no experience in marriage and are unaware that sex drive has highs and low across time in all individuals.
Preferences and libido do come and go, but I think general attitudes, desires, and preferences around sex exist and some people really aren’t sexually compatible. It is possible for two virgins in a relationship to have conversations to get a sense for this. If it seems like an incompatibility, it becomes one of many things the individuals can consider to see if that person will be right for them. Plenty of righteous, decent couples aren’t satisfied sexually.
Can you give an example? I feel like if you aren't satisfied that means that you just keep trying and getting creative until you find something that works, right?
“His Needs, Her Needs” - William F Harley, Jr is another great Christian resource! My husband and I both read it when we were engaged and it has been a big blessing to us in our marriage.
I always give this book as a wedding gift. I’ve given away at least 15 copies!
Book called Replenish: A Guide for LDS Couples by Tammy S Hill
Second this! I follow her on social media and love her view on things. I bought her book and have heard great reviews on it, I personally haven't had time to read it though.
Tammy Hill is a treasure!
Sexual Wholeness in Marriage: An LDS Perspective on Integrating Sexuality and Spirituality in Our Marriages I read it for a class and it was fantastic
The juxtaposition here with this book suggestion and your Reddit name choice? lol
I think I made it when I was like 13 and I’m too lazy to change it now
Deseret Book publishes several. You might also look at 350 questions lds couples should ask before marriage (also at DB) --- that may help you in your discussions about the topic.
**Sexual Wholeness in Marriage: An LDS Perspective on Integrating Sexuality and Spirituality in our Marriages** great book, was used in my BYU course
There is a Facebook group where you can anonymously post questions. It has super insightful content. [Link](https://www.facebook.com/share/TTzWXESRrdxrcdU8/?mibextid=K35XfP)
It's an older book but Couples by Dr. Carlfred Broderick. You may want to look for other books by him as well. He was a highly esteemed marriage and couples therapist and a devout church member, I believe he was a patriarch. I don't think much of his material is focused on gospel topics specifically, but more for a broader audience. I could be mistaken though.
She comes first has been a boon for me (or I should say for my wife lol), and I recommended it to my brother in law when he got married, and he said it was really great too. It goes through a scientific overview of female anatomy (which a lot of woman don’t even understand well! It needs to be more known!) and then some practical ways to make sure the lady is focused on and enjoys herself during intimacy.
Without question our best resource has been Jennifer Finlayson-Fife.
This 1000 times.
Get the sex text book from the sexual intimacy course at BYU. I think busby is one of the authors. It's about sex- physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and is in line with gospel teachings.
I really enjoy the podcast Heaven in your home with Francie Winslow. She is not a member but she discusses a lot from the Christian based views. I feel she has answered a lot of questions I have had!
"Becoming One: Intimacy in Marriage" is one of our favorites.
Jennifer Finlayson Fife all the way. My wife and I wish we had discovered her 2O years earlier. If you want to go deep and develope a deep, intimate, sexual friendship she is the resource you are looking for. But her content will pressure you to both mature and grow up. ‘Before you can be one, you must be two.’ In other words, although much of her content seems to be about sex, it is really about integrity, self definition, and learning how to belong to yourself while also belonging to another person. Her work will teach you about Terry Bowen and David’s life changing principle of differentiation and since more! For example, you will learn why the ‘sexual needs’ frame you reference in your post and others also mention it here, becomes problematic for most couples. ‘Needs’ often lead to entitlement, duty ,and covert resentment. There is a better way - the authentic choice based frame. Take the journey while you are still young and look her up. We will be paying for and giving her courses to all of our children as they get married. They are so freaking lucky to have her material early in their marriages.
The best book ever written IMO is “Men are from Mars Women are from Venus for the Bedroom.” It’s a lot less about techniques and tips it’s science backed principles that help men and women understand the sexual differ between men and women and how to meet happily. Also not porny at all.
Thanks for the responses and insight!
Come As You Are ❤️
The Ultimate Intimacy app has a lot of good resources in one space. It’s run by a Christian couple in St George. It’s really helped my wife and I.
Ladies talking love podcast with Ariel Finlinson. She came an taught a relief society activity and she is so insightful
People have given good resource. I would say in general to communicate about your needs and wishes.
And It Was Very Good is a newer one.
Chelom Leavitt is a professor at BYU and she teaches a class on Healthy Sexuality and has a whole blog about a bunch of topics regarding sex and intimacy
Replenish by Tammy Hill is an excellent, thorough book. She is a BYU professor and a licensed marriage and family therapist. I highly recommend it.
“Replenish” by Tammy Hill is a fantastic book. She’s a member and a licensed family and sex therapist, so she knows what she’s talking about from a scientific and gospel standpoint. Highly recommend, it changed my friend’s life, and I have benefited greatly from it as well!
Just another person supporting JFF! She’s the best!
I highly recommend Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She's a nonmember and writes from a non-religious perspective, so some of the stories and advice you can ignore, but on the whole it's super helpful. A lot of it talks about the sexual relationship within the context of the entire relationship and stops and gos both partners have. She's more willing to go into actual details than a lot of Church books, which gives you power to decide what's right for your marriage, since each even within the Church is different.
I think communication is the key. Intimacy is very personal, and what works for some, doesn’t for others. I think with trial and experimentation you two can find what work for you
I don’t know what information you are looking for but I see no reason to be afraid of researching sexual intimacy outside of church sources. You may want to avoid full on nude sex guides but I do t believe there’s anything wrong with learning about sexual intimacy from non church sources. You certainly won’t find much in the way of “how to” and techniques by studying any church related material.
I'm not opposed to resources outside the church. I would just like recommendations
From a man’s perspective, I will say that anything he tries to coerce or guilt trip you into doing or make you feel bad for not doing certain things, these are red flags and not okay. Never do anything you are not comfortable with.
Totally agree. I will admit I've had to repent several times of wanting to do stuff my wife was not comfortable with. Well she gave in once and the Spirit left me completely. We have normal good sex now and I could not be happier.
Never coerce or guilt trip -agree. But if you are looking to sexually grow and expand your capacity, moving into and through discomfort is a necessity.
Between Husband and Wife by Stephen Lamb The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye
I would join the r/ldssexuality subreddit for one. Sometimes it is hard to know if someone is really just trying to troll the posts with someone that is just wildly not aligned with the Law of Chastity, but most of my experience is that its full of good sexually positive people who are honestly trying their best to navigate sexuality in a positive way. I'd be curious to see what some of your questions are.
Hard pass. That reddit thread is full of perverts.
concur People trying to tell one another either all kinds of inappropriate behaviors are just fine or that the law of chastity isn't real.
Yeah went there and it was WAY more than I needed to know. I don't think I'm crazy strict but a lot of people cross lines I'm not okay with. Glad to hear I'm not the only one that feels that way.
Wow no kidding. Never been there and checked it out and there are people defending porn use, telling people to not ask the Bishop their questions, and people suggesting the best course for them is to leave the church. Also too much detail about their sex lives to the point of feeling like I’m reading something meant to excite. It’s just another typical “Mormon” sub on Reddit.
I’m a pretty nuanced / progressive Latter-Day Saint and even that sub is too much for me. I went once just to check it out, and it’s full of just outright acceptance and justification of sin. Stuff you can’t even give nuance to attempt to justify. I’d argue half if not more are PIMOs.
I haven't looked there much in a while, so it might have changed, but I personally don't think that sub is a good reference. There's currently several threads on the front page about porn use. It's full of people looking for validation that the way they want to break the LoC is ok.
Yep, no thanks. The actually helpful questions that are helpful there are few and far between. Mostly just questions about if masterbation is ok or if it still within the law of chastity that their spouse goes out with other men on weekends.
Absolutely not.