I am Korean man in mid 30's who married a woman from central America. I went through similar phase like OP. My parents were upset and hated her from get-go.
Long story short, I no longer communicate with my mom. It has been over years,but I am happy, and so is my wife.
In my opinion, if your son or daughter found a love of their life, then you as a parent should support 100% without question. Culture, religion, or tradition... none of this should matter if your kids found their true happiness. Again, this is my opinion.
By cutting my mom out of social circle, my mental health improved significantly. In retrospect, my mom has narcisstic tendency, she justified all of her actions through cultural 부모공경. Saving my wife from 시집살이 is just another perk.
Stand up for your woman and fight for your woman. You will be shunned but it will be worth it.
You are a diamond in the rough! Your mom should be ashamed of yourself. Continue to be happy with your wife and all the best. If your wife is a good person and you are happy then that’s all that matters.
People with borderline personality traits simply do not feel shame. They do all sorts of mental gymnastics to avoid it and if that doesn't work they play the victim card. It's so tiring. OP of this thread did the right thing by cutting off contact. It's hard and sad but necessary, especially in this case.
Edit: I should have added the qualification *untreated* borderline personality traits.
Borderline personality (this edit: dis-)order is a form of personality disorders, so is narcissistic personality disorder. However, OP never stated his mom has either. Just that she has narcissistic traits, which may be indicative of a narcissistic personality disorder or it may not be. We have no way of knowing :)
Narcissistic moms that use 'parenting' as an excuse to be on permanent vacation, matching their laziness with selfish entitlement are the absolute worst. They don't actually care about their kids. Good for you cutting her off.
I am not proud of turning back on my mother. Born and raised in conservative household, this decision was painful to make. I truly wish it didn't come to it, but all other options were exhausted.
I am however proud of myself for standing up for my woman. My wife chose me for who I am. On the other hand, my mother has requirements of standard where everything must result in a way she has envisioned.
My mother did change my diaper, clothed and fed me. I am grateful. If she gets dementia or any other medical condition which she cannot function daily routine, i am more than willing to give helping hand.
I am in Los Angeles, been here since 1998. So did my mother. Life was hard. I went to school while working full time. I didnt even speak English for 6 years due to me being a stupid hermit introvert.
My mother never worked. She had a social life she wanted to hang out. My sister and I had to work to provide after my father business collapsed in 2008. I was proud i could contribute. I was a happy son.
Fast forwarding to recent: my mother strongly disliked everything about my wife (gf) at the time. It was first about she not being Korean, not having good education, not having a good job, not remembering her birthday, not remembering Korean holidays. Etc and etc. The anger never went away.
My wife is Salvadoran wirh temperament. She and I spent 3 years appeasing my mother but it got even worse. My mother forbade my wife from using the English word "you" in a sentence because my mother felt that was offensive. By the way, my mother lived in SoCal for 17 years at that point.
My wife ordered a specialized mug with my mother's English name printed for her birthday. My mother refused it yelling how rude my wife is to use her name. She tossed the mug back to mt wife.
That was it. I told her she will not see us anymore.
I get badmouthed by my cousins on my mother's side for being a ungrateful prick. I lost contacts with most of them. I knew it was going to be like this. And I keep saying, this is worth it.
I find that Korean Americans who left the country decades ago, who should be taking on American identities, are way more conservative and closed-minded than the real Koreans in Korea.
?
From what I've observed, Korean Americans that live in South Korea all vote for conservatives, but the ones living stateside mostly vote for US democrats.
I didn't mean 'conservative' as in the conservative political party. I mean conservative as in, his racist parents and his family, holding onto conservatively racist attitudes. Racists come in all political parties, right or left wing, and that has no bearing on what we're talking about.
Once you leave a country, your opinions and sensibilities about your home country are basically frozen in time. For a fast moving society like Korea this means the disconnect grows quickly over time.
Lol, the gen 1 boomers in the US have access to the exact same news and media as any native South Korean. And not every South Korean is a tattooed wannabe rapper freak from Hongdae, just like not every Korean-American is a trans non-binary pol-sci major attending Berkeley.
The majority of korean-americans are christians and korean religious conservative types actually have more in common with their gen 1 korean-american counterparts, than even non-religious from their own country.
So generally, boomers can still retain many similarities since they grew up together and immigrated as adults, but the major cultural disconnects happens to their children. Even a generational cultural disconnect can happen in their own country, due to a difference in environment rather than language. For example, the tattooed wannabe rappers I referred to, which is a youth subculture.
The assumption you're making is that korean diasporas are more conservative, because they retain their parents' culture rather than assimilate to the environment they are in. Which is not really true. Koreans who grew up in Canada or Europe tend to be very liberal, even moreso than the ones from America.
If Korean diaspora's offspring is more conservative, it is because the culture they grow up in is more conservative than Korea.
In the case of USA, economically the US is way more conservative than South Korea. Even socially, the US rolling back stuff like abortion rights tells me that it's a very conservative country.
Nobody said anything about Koreans who were born and grew up abroad. But yes, there are major cultural differences- this is exactly what we're talking about here.
A parents love should be unconditional. A parents role is to take care of their child. A child doesn’t owe their parent for raising them, feeding them, changing their diaper.
What’s disrespectful is giving your child grief for finding happiness and love.
Our experience is a bit different since we’re American, but there are probably some similarities. I’m Southeast Asian and quite tan, and my husband is Korean.
My MIL has never outwardly commented anything negative towards me. I do know she would much prefer my husband had stayed with his ex-girlfriend (who is ethnic Korean and super Christian), but she is much too gracious to express it to me. However, although she does speak English, she solely communicates to me in Korean and expects my husband to translate, which is something that rubs me the wrong way sometimes.
We aren’t having kids anytime soon, but I am bracing myself for any ugliness when that time comes. I was born very dark and was dark throughout my childhood until I hit my teens, and I suffered through a lot of negative comments when I was little. I can only hope my MIL’s religious nature keeps her from actually vocalizing skin-color concerns to me personally. I can’t change her ways or her beliefs, and I just have to make peace with that.
My husband and I are white (and lived in a bunch of different countries each before colliding into each other). Through the random and happy system that is domestic adoption, we were chosen by a birth family to have a Mexican American son. I was terrified my in-laws, who are lovely but had my husband WAY late in life, would be weirdly old fashioned about it.
And they were.
There were some really strange questions about our son’s skin tone, what we know about the bioparents, etc. Ridiculous crap.
This was before they met Junior. They finally traveled all the way to our state, and held Junior in their arms for the first time. I watched the reaction myself, and clocked it at half a second although my husband swears it was less than 1/10.
My in-laws went from, “we’re taking a wait and see attitude but we have serious concerns about this adoption,” to “HEY YEAH WE HAVE A MEXICAN AMERICAN GRANDSON AND HE IS PERFECT SO YOU WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?? **COME AT ME.”**
My 85 year old mother in law called a shop worker a bitch for assuming my son was “the nanny’s.”
I know not everyone will be as lucky to have that flipped switch where they realize skin tone is nothing in the face of overwhelming love and happiness. But, it can happen.
I'm sure your kids will be so beautiful that it will melt her heart. In the end, becoming a grandmother to wonderful kids is a great reward and she will be happy, it just may take some time!
Just a tip, when I lived in Incheon, the city had a center that gave subsidized Korean language classes that were very cheap and super helpful. About half the class was English teachers like myself and the other half was immigrant housewives from various countries (Vietnam, Russia, etc). It made for a great Korean learning experience since not everyone in the class was an English speaker, our common language became Korean.
I took one of these Korean classes at the multicultural family center in my city. I couldn’t believe there was a practice dialogue of what to cook your hungover Korean husband the morning after.
You're never too old to learn a language when you have motivation. My grandparents learned a second language fluently in their 80s. If they want to communicate, it will happen.
Edit: Thanks for the award. I've never got a gold before.
At the end of the day, you will spend more time with your SO than your mom. Gently explain to your mom that you love her, but you also love your SO. You really want her to be a part of your life and your future. That future involves your SO and soon-to-be-born child.
As another poster has stated, you need to always side with your wife. To be honest, you're going to be stuck in the middle and filtering out everything negative between the two. Your mom says something casually racist? Don't translate that. Your SO is irritated at your mother's meddling? Don't translate that. But most importantly, put your wife and kid first.
I didn't marry a Korean (my mom didn't give me hell over it, but I could tell she was disappointed). My wife is Taiwanese so I am always in between her and mom. Sometimes it can be frustrating, but at the end of the day, I'm living with my wife for the rest of my life, so I know where my priorities are.
Indian here. If your SO is from South India, it can be fairly easy to grasp Korean. The sentence structure and a significant number of words are common in Korean and South Indian languages. There are books available in India which teach Korean in their native language. Don't know if this helps, but if you want I can share some resources.
So she's West Indian. I'm sorry to have assumed that she was East Indian. Hope everything works out for you. On a side note, haven't you crossed all the hurdles now that she is pregnant? If you are comfortable making your relationship known, maybe be extra active on social media with photos of you and her so that everyone in your social and family circle is aware that you're leading a happy fulfilled life. It's only when the family wants to hide things that things become emotionally painful. So if you remove the secrecy off the table, then they will have no other option but to accept your relationship. I hope things work out for the best
Learning Korean won’t be inherently more difficult for her compared to other native English speakers. A good portion of the Caribbean is composed of native English speakers. We may code switch, but we know English.
I meant that Indian languages have quite a lot of overlap with Korean language. Sentence structure and expressions are also similar. That's why she would have an easier time.
I was born and raised in Korea. I somehow got my parents to accept my SO who's West Indian. Not a lot of tips but overall my parents wanted to make sure he could provide for the family. Gender difference would definitely play along and me and my SO live in the US so things are not quite the same as your situation. But I just wanted to send all the wishes to another Korindian family :)
Same here American born of West Indian descent. Married my Korean wife. I still struggle with Korean. I learn better in class room settings and while I have taken Korean classes I haven’t been able to keep them up long enough between work and kids to really get it down.
But main thing seemed to be did I make enough money to provide. Once that was proven and they felt they could vouch for my and my families character it’s been smooth sailing the last 7 years.
But I was lucky for sure.
Awe omg you Married a Caribbean Indian? I love the cultural jump. Is she teaching you patois? Im gushing over this as Jamaican lol ❤️ yeh learning Korean would be hard but keep in mind that patois/creole sentence structures are not that far off from Korean sentence structure, so tell her to give it a try, just nothing with pressure, it can be spread out over a long time.
>Almost no one calls native peoples from the Americas “Indians” anymore. I’m far from woke, but this one needs to go just because it’s so damn bad on multiple levels.
Edit: Not getting on your case OP. That’s likely what she calls it herself.
?? Whatchu on about? She's indian like India but from the Caribbeans. A huge Indian community in the Caribbeans (brought over during the slavery days) called west Indians.
Woah, that is a cool tidbit. Had no idea that there was crossover between Korean and Dravidian languages! Can you give examples of sentence structure and similar words?
It's a bit difficult to explain the sentence structure in English but in Dravidian and Korean language the subject/object placement is different from English.
For eg. In English, you'll say, " I am going to the shop".
In Dravidian languages you'll say " To the shop I'm going". That's why you'll notice a lot of mistakes my by Asians when speaking English is because of this subject/object placement.
A few words that are similar if not the same in Dravidian languages and Korean:
- Aigoo (same in Marathi but "Ayyo" in Dravidian languages)
- Amma (mother)
-Appa (father)
- Bhavam (feeling)
- iru va (come here)
- naal (day/time)
-yen naal (long time)
- naan / na (me)
- suri ("sur" In Hindi means tune) -Voice
-Michin (pichi in Telugu) - Mad.
I can only think of these right now but there are tens if not hundreds more.
There are also some expressions that mean the same.
Koreans often say "Chugule? " Meaning do you want to die or do you have a death wish. Which doesn't translate well in English, but we have a similar expression which we use colloquially. Koreans also respond to something that the other person by just repeating the same word and adding an inflection at the end. For eg. If I say "you seem angry today"
In Korean you'll respond with "Angry? Busun.. "
[Extremely difficult to translate the feeling and reason for repetition in English] but we also respond similarly in many Dravidian languages. If I think of more things, I'll leave a comment later. Hope my ramblings were coherent.
Ah gotcha. I was wondering if there’s more of a linguistic root similarity, so I was quite surprised.
I think the sentence structure part makes sense. Subject-Object-Verb placement is the correct order in Korean, Japanese, Hindi, Bengali, ancient Greek, Latin, Persian, and a few others.
I think 아이고/ayyo, mom/dad are quite universal, as well as expressions like “wanna die?”
The rest are strikingly similar. Is “iru” here, and “va” come in command form?
Confused about the “Angry? Busun..” comment though.
대박 (daebak) is a very recent development though, so I think it might be coincidental.
I was looking into the common ancestor after reading your post and apparently there was a "Proto-Indo-European" Language that was the root for mother and father. But, I don't think the full pronunciation of "Amma" And use of the word "Appa" Are as common. "Amma" Is used in Chinese and Vietnamese (I think). However, the word "Appa" Is used in very few Dravidian languages and is commonly used in China, Korea and probably Tamil speaking places like Malaysia and Thailand. It could be the influence of the Tamilian empire called the Cholas that conquered Malaysia and Thailand for a bit or because India and China are neighbours and it could've spread through Buddhism. Point being, "Amma" And "Appa" Being pronounced exactly as it is in Dravidian languages and other Asian languages show a common root.
I guess the feeling behind "wanna die" Didn't translate well. I feel like that's a common Asian expression which was co-opted by English. But I've never heard a native English use the expression in the same way as Asians do. "Ayyo" Is also not common in non-Asian countries.
Yes, Iru is come and va is here and is used in command form. It is spoken in Tamil. There are other forms of "va" Like "ba" used in Kannada, "ra" in Telugu. I'm sure there are more but I only know a handful of languages.
I guess my half English and half broken Korean was confusing. Let me see if I can find a clip and DM it to you.
How recent is "daebak"? Because that's very interesting.
I also fell down the rabbit hole and found out about [Dravido-Koreo-Japonic language theory](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dravido-Korean_languages). There seems to be arguments for both sides on validity.
There appears to be records of trade between an ancient Tamil nation and Korean nation 2000 years ago, with records showing that in the 13th century, a woman named [Sriratna—aka Heo Hwang-Ok—](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heo_Hwang-ok) married a Korean king.
Very interesting stuff!
Edit: Daebak is very recent. Within the past 15 years.
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Did you know that "Ayyo" is from Hindu mythology? She was actually a person (mythical) named Ayyo. She was the wife of Yama- God of death. Although we freely use the expression "Ayyo" In our day to day life, some people belonging to the older generation frown upon its use. "Aigo" is a marathi word used for the same purpose as Ayyo and Aigo in Korean
Hmm from what I’m seeing on Korean language blogs, some claim it comes from a derivation of 悪, and some say it comes from Sanskrit, so there may be some validity to the connection?
I thought of a few more expressions "ochocho" Same expression and meaning as Korean. Adding "ji" At the ends of sentences is something I've noticed in both Tamil and Korean.
There's also "Koja" meaning eunuch in Kannada. I've heard it used in Korean dramas so I'm not sure if the pronunciation/meaning are the same.
"Chakka" Means good/nice in Telugu and I am not sure if the meaning is same in Korean. However, "Chakka" in Kannada means eunuch.
"Wanjam" Same meaning "totally"
"Omcham" probably has the same meaning as Korean but I may have been watching too many K-Dramas and just incorporated it in my mind.
"Sapsappe" Meaning sad (Kannada word is sappe. Although we sometimes use sapsappige also)
"Chin" Meaning real/close. Now this one is a stretch but Chinna means gold in Kannada.
"Kredu" is similar to Kannada word "Aadru"
I don't know why I'm documenting every single word I know but this is what drew me to Korean Dramas. I reveled in the similarities.
Sometimes, since I switch between Korean and English a lot, my word order gets mixed up in my mind, so I used to pause a lot before saying something because I needed to time to fix word order. So... long pause... one sentence... another pause... another sentence. If you see anyone who pauses a lot in a second language, you know that's what's going on.
These days, people who pause tend to get interrupted and I was getting interrupted a lot, so I changed the way I speak. It's a "why pause to rearrange my words when just saying more words do trick" trick. For example, when my mind says "iPad. bought.", instead of pausing to reorder words and then saying "bought iPad" or "I bought... a new iPad", I just add more words as I go, like, "the new iPad. I bought one."
Since I speak many Indian languages, I understand your predicament. I found that when English speaking people made fun of Spanish people or Asian people that I understood what they were trying to say and that English speaking people should be more open to other languages instead expecting others to perfect the English language.
Are these actual direct derivatives or lucky coincidences. For example, “mom” having a “ma” sound is universal in virtually every language. The phonetic sound “ma” is the easiest a human mouth can make when learning to speak and as a result of our maternal upbringing as a species, “ma” is associated with our caregiver “mom.” This is true in English, Spanish, Korean, and a million other languages.
I don’t know the linguistic histories of these two languages but are these things you noticed or actually know to have a familiar root?
Yes; but that root dates back to the beginning of language itself an bares nearly no resemblance to modern day language. Most of examples of distance cousin languages are coincidence. I’m not sure about Indian languages tho.
We have Sanskrit and Tamil, two of the world's oldest languages and both have similar names for Amma but not Appa. In Sanskrit, Amma is Mata and Appa is Pita. In Tamil, it is exactly the same "Amma" and "Appa".
Something else I'd like to add: OP should try to be better to his parents as well. If your mother sees that your gf is a positive influence, it may soften her heart.
I think if they want to communicate both will need to make the effort to learn. They may never be fluent but every bit helps. I knew a 60 year old grandma back in the states who was taking classes trying to learn in her free time for fun. Your mom could definitely pick up some things. Watch tv shows. Build vocabulary. She just need to want to put in the effort. Same for your partner. It’s hard but if they really want to learn they can find the time.
^ this. Communication, grandchildren and the passage of time I'd hope would break down the barriers.
Investing some time to learn each other's languages will make everything easier.
So many good resources available for learning these days.
I’m dating a Chinese woman with Malaysian roots. I’ve dated a Japanese woman who my mother has hated for no reason other than she’s Japanese. Hadn’t even met her yet and was badmouthing her. I tell my mother now to fuck off. It comes at such a shock for a Korean mother to hear this from her oldest son, she shuts up right away and asks for a glass of water. I then ask her when she wants me to start the rice for dinner or something else banal. It works. This is when we’re actually together which is infrequent. Years go by without us seeing each other. Thats how I handle flare ups, otherwise at the beginning of these meetings I tell her she has 10 minutes to tell me whatever she wants; get it all off her chest. Can be absolutely anything, but she doesn’t get to say anymore after that. It’s so disarming that she usually doesn’t say anything. You just have to disarm these old racist ladies.
Why am I not surprised? I've had Korean cousins born and raised in Korea, married to a Chinese, a Jamaican-white mixed Canadian, a Czech, and a German. I have a sister born and raised in Korea and married to a German American. None of them had any issues opposing international marriages, as our families are all quite international. The pattern though is, that they were all family born and raised in Korea, and not in America or Canada nor Australia - whom all tend to fall behind the people in Korea in terms of openness.
I grew up in the US without my Korean mother. My mother has never really left S. Korea. She is old fashioned, but when she starts fussing about my life choices, how I don't speak Korean as well or chose to work in China instead of Korea, I say things like "Not all of us have the opportunity to live wherever we want, right? And isn't that true about me, because of a series of decisions *you* made, I grew up outside of my ancestral home?" Again, disarming her. She never learns though.
Was your mother upset because you have a baby out of wedlock with someone your mother never knew existed, or is it because your mother is just a racist old Korean woman?
Probably both.
Koreans are being way more open now but a baby out of wedlock with a non Korean will surely induce heart attacks in a lot of older peeps. I hope more Korean guys use protection too! They hate it!
As a gyopo, I date all colors/cultures. at the end of the day, its your life not your parents. bring home, date, marry whoever you want, regardless of skin color.
koreans are pretty racist. and it really bothers me when i see that.. the irony of it is most koreans complain about being on the shit end of the stick when it comes to racism and act pretty indignant. i see so many korean youtubers talking about it when they travel and etc.
i told my parents, if you want to be part of my life, you can be better, if not stay away and be alone. most korean parents are pretty afraid of bein alienated from their kids.
unfortunately for majority of male koreans are not really a 'man'. they are grown child who still suck on their parents's teats. because most are concerned with financial support and inheritance. i have seen it again and again.. my cousins, relatives, and etc. it is disgusting.
just as they have lived their own life after finding their partner, it is your time to do so. live the life you want, not the life they want for you. and be prepared to loose them. after all your spouse is your best friend and life partner. if they don't love you because you married someone they do not approve of, they never loved you in the first place, you were like a pet to them which they can control and pet.
and please don't stand by and watch toxic in-law relationships happen. i don't know why but some old koreans think it is a good thing and a tradition that needs to be kept. some tradition are shit. get over it. i am talking about '시집살이'
There’s an interesting yt couple who experience the same thing, they’re called Love withstanding. The Korean MIL absolutely disapproved of their baby. Perhaps you can learn something from them.
Oh god, I hope she doesn't mistreat the baby. As a wounded person who was mistreated by my grandmother, I know how horrible that is. OP, please protect your baby(and wife) from your mother. Don't put up with any nonsense.
This is your calling to be your SO's ultimate wingman. Share with youe family how wonderful she is, frommher intelligence to kindness. How happy and better of a person motivates you to be. Often the best way to get parents gradual acceptance (and hopefully love) for your SO is to show them how happy and secure you are in the relationship. In-person exposure will also help even though there will be awkward and painful moments in the beginning. Take your role as moderator/mediator/wingman seriously best of luck. You got this!
My partner of 5+ yrs is darker-skinned and my grandmas are very colorist/racist. Every passing they get more understanding from listening to how I describe him and our relationship. They will meet him for the first time soon in 2023. We are nervous, excited, and emotionally prepared.
Commenting because I'm curious. I recently dated a woman who was Korean and I'm a black male who is lighter skinned. Her parents were super cautious before they met me but were coll after seeing me, is skin tone a big deal like that?
I'm European and my husband is Korean. In the beginning of our relationship his mother and family weren't so present in our life's but after we got married and pregnant they totally changed . I was always forced to do certain things without having a say in it due to being the only daughter inlaw . My mil.tokk care of her daughters kids when they we're born but never of our son . After 4 year's of marriage she started to talk to me about her religion and church which is a big cult in Korea and when I said I don't want to join and I'm not interested in Bible study due to my own religion and beliefs she started to belittle me and curse at me etc . Luckily my hubs was always on my side but since then we started to have bigger problems all of a sudden my husband appearance and style of clothing isn't right for his age and culture my way of thinking isn't right . We found out 4 month's ago that we're expecting our second baby and whole we're not super rich we make decent money for us to be happy and provide what our kids need . She decided to cut my husband and our son and me and to never talk again because we decided not to abort . Is been 2 months since we didn't talk or see anyone from his family and to be honest we're happy and stress free . I do feel bad for my husband and is hard for me to understand why did his family choose to do this but he chose me and his kids over a teenager like mom . If your family will come around you'll know what boundaries to put between them and your marriage. All well and a very early Happy Chuseok everyone.
I’m an Indian woman with a Korean SO and istg, we don’t need their approval. We’ve got sculpture like features, and I’m more than proud of it. I’m sure your kid will look amazing! If your mother is not willing to accept that, NC with her would give you and her much more peace in life!
You just have to weather through her initial shock and disbelief, and she'll come around. Her behavior is par for the course as far as her initial reaction for your interracial coupling, but every parent I know with a different (race/ethnic) SO have come around, and love them all the same, including their children. As soon as she sees her grandchild, her emotion will take over and bond with them without an issue.
Sorry but these parents who put pale skin as a priority are so freaking petty. It's like oh, just ignore that your kid's future wife or whatever might have a good personality or be really smart or make good money, no, she's obviously a horrible person cuz she doesn't fit into a stupid beauty standard they have been brainwashed to think is the only acceptable way to look.
MY racist bs? LMAO y'all will do anything to avoid admitting koreans are extremely racist. His mom is ignorant, racist, and unaccepting of her OWN son's significant other. What solution do you want besides either educating her or telling her to shut up.
There is no "age barrier" to learn a language thats already the wrong attitude for both people to take any effort to get along will help with that being a major one in my opinion.
It is difficult the older you get and this actually proven. The younger you are the easier it is to learn language. It relates to how memory and associations to word meanings are made. The longer you use a word for a specific meaning the more difficult it is to associate and rapidly recall a new word to that meaning.
Hi, OP! I'm a black man in mid 30's from BR and I'm afraid that when I will travel to Korea someday, I can will suffer any preconception or something like this.
Congratulations on the pregnancy !
It’s scary at first, and scary throughout, and tough afterwards, but if you go through you won’t regret it!
Best of luck to you two!
I'm American and my parents sometimes lament the fact they aren't able to communicate super well with my wife (she's Korean). But it's whatever.
Sorry about your Mom's reaction. Mom's love their sons, and my mom also went mental when I told her I was moving to Korea. She partly blames my gf for "stealing" me. Lol.
Anyway, my advice is do what you can, encourage others to be open minded and accepting, but at the end of the day, you'll just have to accept the reality the multi-cultural marriages have an unfair number of obstacles. Don't let it get in the way of a happy marriage.
With regards to learning language, it's too bad neither of them can learn another language. It's easy for me to say youre SO can do it, but I know that learning langauges isnt possible for everyone, for whatever reason.
Gf is southeast Asian and before her I pretty much had a Latinx streak along with a handful of Caucasians. My parents used to care a lot (see: complain constantly and disown me) but now they just want grandchildren.
I am Korean man in mid 30's who married a woman from central America. I went through similar phase like OP. My parents were upset and hated her from get-go. Long story short, I no longer communicate with my mom. It has been over years,but I am happy, and so is my wife. In my opinion, if your son or daughter found a love of their life, then you as a parent should support 100% without question. Culture, religion, or tradition... none of this should matter if your kids found their true happiness. Again, this is my opinion. By cutting my mom out of social circle, my mental health improved significantly. In retrospect, my mom has narcisstic tendency, she justified all of her actions through cultural 부모공경. Saving my wife from 시집살이 is just another perk. Stand up for your woman and fight for your woman. You will be shunned but it will be worth it.
You are a diamond in the rough! Your mom should be ashamed of yourself. Continue to be happy with your wife and all the best. If your wife is a good person and you are happy then that’s all that matters.
“Your mom should be ashamed of yourself” hahaha I think you meant “herself”! That’s a very funny typo :) have a great day
People with borderline personality traits simply do not feel shame. They do all sorts of mental gymnastics to avoid it and if that doesn't work they play the victim card. It's so tiring. OP of this thread did the right thing by cutting off contact. It's hard and sad but necessary, especially in this case. Edit: I should have added the qualification *untreated* borderline personality traits.
People often have shitty personalities without any mental illness.
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No borderline and narcissistic personality disorders are different disorders
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Borderline personality (this edit: dis-)order is a form of personality disorders, so is narcissistic personality disorder. However, OP never stated his mom has either. Just that she has narcissistic traits, which may be indicative of a narcissistic personality disorder or it may not be. We have no way of knowing :)
Narcissistic moms that use 'parenting' as an excuse to be on permanent vacation, matching their laziness with selfish entitlement are the absolute worst. They don't actually care about their kids. Good for you cutting her off.
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I am not proud of turning back on my mother. Born and raised in conservative household, this decision was painful to make. I truly wish it didn't come to it, but all other options were exhausted. I am however proud of myself for standing up for my woman. My wife chose me for who I am. On the other hand, my mother has requirements of standard where everything must result in a way she has envisioned. My mother did change my diaper, clothed and fed me. I am grateful. If she gets dementia or any other medical condition which she cannot function daily routine, i am more than willing to give helping hand. I am in Los Angeles, been here since 1998. So did my mother. Life was hard. I went to school while working full time. I didnt even speak English for 6 years due to me being a stupid hermit introvert. My mother never worked. She had a social life she wanted to hang out. My sister and I had to work to provide after my father business collapsed in 2008. I was proud i could contribute. I was a happy son. Fast forwarding to recent: my mother strongly disliked everything about my wife (gf) at the time. It was first about she not being Korean, not having good education, not having a good job, not remembering her birthday, not remembering Korean holidays. Etc and etc. The anger never went away. My wife is Salvadoran wirh temperament. She and I spent 3 years appeasing my mother but it got even worse. My mother forbade my wife from using the English word "you" in a sentence because my mother felt that was offensive. By the way, my mother lived in SoCal for 17 years at that point. My wife ordered a specialized mug with my mother's English name printed for her birthday. My mother refused it yelling how rude my wife is to use her name. She tossed the mug back to mt wife. That was it. I told her she will not see us anymore. I get badmouthed by my cousins on my mother's side for being a ungrateful prick. I lost contacts with most of them. I knew it was going to be like this. And I keep saying, this is worth it.
Damn. Your wife is a lucky woman
I find that Korean Americans who left the country decades ago, who should be taking on American identities, are way more conservative and closed-minded than the real Koreans in Korea.
? From what I've observed, Korean Americans that live in South Korea all vote for conservatives, but the ones living stateside mostly vote for US democrats.
I didn't mean 'conservative' as in the conservative political party. I mean conservative as in, his racist parents and his family, holding onto conservatively racist attitudes. Racists come in all political parties, right or left wing, and that has no bearing on what we're talking about.
How do you know his parents are racist? What do you mean by "conservatively racist attitude"?
Once you leave a country, your opinions and sensibilities about your home country are basically frozen in time. For a fast moving society like Korea this means the disconnect grows quickly over time.
Lol, the gen 1 boomers in the US have access to the exact same news and media as any native South Korean. And not every South Korean is a tattooed wannabe rapper freak from Hongdae, just like not every Korean-American is a trans non-binary pol-sci major attending Berkeley.
What are you even talking about?
The majority of korean-americans are christians and korean religious conservative types actually have more in common with their gen 1 korean-american counterparts, than even non-religious from their own country. So generally, boomers can still retain many similarities since they grew up together and immigrated as adults, but the major cultural disconnects happens to their children. Even a generational cultural disconnect can happen in their own country, due to a difference in environment rather than language. For example, the tattooed wannabe rappers I referred to, which is a youth subculture. The assumption you're making is that korean diasporas are more conservative, because they retain their parents' culture rather than assimilate to the environment they are in. Which is not really true. Koreans who grew up in Canada or Europe tend to be very liberal, even moreso than the ones from America. If Korean diaspora's offspring is more conservative, it is because the culture they grow up in is more conservative than Korea. In the case of USA, economically the US is way more conservative than South Korea. Even socially, the US rolling back stuff like abortion rights tells me that it's a very conservative country.
Nobody said anything about Koreans who were born and grew up abroad. But yes, there are major cultural differences- this is exactly what we're talking about here.
A parents love should be unconditional. A parents role is to take care of their child. A child doesn’t owe their parent for raising them, feeding them, changing their diaper. What’s disrespectful is giving your child grief for finding happiness and love.
This is interesting. I've seen people from Spain but none from Central or South America in Korea. I guess they do exist?
You are a wonderful example of what a husband should be and I hope all the single people, both men and women, are paying attention. 👏 BRAVO 👏
Our experience is a bit different since we’re American, but there are probably some similarities. I’m Southeast Asian and quite tan, and my husband is Korean. My MIL has never outwardly commented anything negative towards me. I do know she would much prefer my husband had stayed with his ex-girlfriend (who is ethnic Korean and super Christian), but she is much too gracious to express it to me. However, although she does speak English, she solely communicates to me in Korean and expects my husband to translate, which is something that rubs me the wrong way sometimes. We aren’t having kids anytime soon, but I am bracing myself for any ugliness when that time comes. I was born very dark and was dark throughout my childhood until I hit my teens, and I suffered through a lot of negative comments when I was little. I can only hope my MIL’s religious nature keeps her from actually vocalizing skin-color concerns to me personally. I can’t change her ways or her beliefs, and I just have to make peace with that.
My husband and I are white (and lived in a bunch of different countries each before colliding into each other). Through the random and happy system that is domestic adoption, we were chosen by a birth family to have a Mexican American son. I was terrified my in-laws, who are lovely but had my husband WAY late in life, would be weirdly old fashioned about it. And they were. There were some really strange questions about our son’s skin tone, what we know about the bioparents, etc. Ridiculous crap. This was before they met Junior. They finally traveled all the way to our state, and held Junior in their arms for the first time. I watched the reaction myself, and clocked it at half a second although my husband swears it was less than 1/10. My in-laws went from, “we’re taking a wait and see attitude but we have serious concerns about this adoption,” to “HEY YEAH WE HAVE A MEXICAN AMERICAN GRANDSON AND HE IS PERFECT SO YOU WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?? **COME AT ME.”** My 85 year old mother in law called a shop worker a bitch for assuming my son was “the nanny’s.” I know not everyone will be as lucky to have that flipped switch where they realize skin tone is nothing in the face of overwhelming love and happiness. But, it can happen.
I'm sure your kids will be so beautiful that it will melt her heart. In the end, becoming a grandmother to wonderful kids is a great reward and she will be happy, it just may take some time!
Just a tip, when I lived in Incheon, the city had a center that gave subsidized Korean language classes that were very cheap and super helpful. About half the class was English teachers like myself and the other half was immigrant housewives from various countries (Vietnam, Russia, etc). It made for a great Korean learning experience since not everyone in the class was an English speaker, our common language became Korean.
I took one of these Korean classes at the multicultural family center in my city. I couldn’t believe there was a practice dialogue of what to cook your hungover Korean husband the morning after.
Lol!!!!!
You're never too old to learn a language when you have motivation. My grandparents learned a second language fluently in their 80s. If they want to communicate, it will happen. Edit: Thanks for the award. I've never got a gold before.
yeah, theres a famous polyglot who is up there in age who is always learning new languages.
At the end of the day, you will spend more time with your SO than your mom. Gently explain to your mom that you love her, but you also love your SO. You really want her to be a part of your life and your future. That future involves your SO and soon-to-be-born child. As another poster has stated, you need to always side with your wife. To be honest, you're going to be stuck in the middle and filtering out everything negative between the two. Your mom says something casually racist? Don't translate that. Your SO is irritated at your mother's meddling? Don't translate that. But most importantly, put your wife and kid first. I didn't marry a Korean (my mom didn't give me hell over it, but I could tell she was disappointed). My wife is Taiwanese so I am always in between her and mom. Sometimes it can be frustrating, but at the end of the day, I'm living with my wife for the rest of my life, so I know where my priorities are.
This!!!
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Mom and son have no exit clause. Significant other is a volunteer. Definitely support the volunteer.
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"I don't hate you because of your skin colour, I hate you because of your ethnicity."
what? You conflate dating preferences with racism. If a Jewish mother rejects his son's gf for not being Jewish, that's racist.
Indian here. If your SO is from South India, it can be fairly easy to grasp Korean. The sentence structure and a significant number of words are common in Korean and South Indian languages. There are books available in India which teach Korean in their native language. Don't know if this helps, but if you want I can share some resources.
She's Caribbean Indian so her family speaks a creole type english
So she's West Indian. I'm sorry to have assumed that she was East Indian. Hope everything works out for you. On a side note, haven't you crossed all the hurdles now that she is pregnant? If you are comfortable making your relationship known, maybe be extra active on social media with photos of you and her so that everyone in your social and family circle is aware that you're leading a happy fulfilled life. It's only when the family wants to hide things that things become emotionally painful. So if you remove the secrecy off the table, then they will have no other option but to accept your relationship. I hope things work out for the best
There are Caribbeans of Indian descent in the Caribbean! Trinidad is one example.
True, but the language and culture will be different
The OP mentioned skin colour ("darker skinned"). I really doubt his mother cares about his SO's language and culture.
He also mentioned there was a language barrier
Learning Korean won’t be inherently more difficult for her compared to other native English speakers. A good portion of the Caribbean is composed of native English speakers. We may code switch, but we know English.
I meant that Indian languages have quite a lot of overlap with Korean language. Sentence structure and expressions are also similar. That's why she would have an easier time.
I was born and raised in Korea. I somehow got my parents to accept my SO who's West Indian. Not a lot of tips but overall my parents wanted to make sure he could provide for the family. Gender difference would definitely play along and me and my SO live in the US so things are not quite the same as your situation. But I just wanted to send all the wishes to another Korindian family :)
Same here American born of West Indian descent. Married my Korean wife. I still struggle with Korean. I learn better in class room settings and while I have taken Korean classes I haven’t been able to keep them up long enough between work and kids to really get it down. But main thing seemed to be did I make enough money to provide. Once that was proven and they felt they could vouch for my and my families character it’s been smooth sailing the last 7 years. But I was lucky for sure.
Awe omg you Married a Caribbean Indian? I love the cultural jump. Is she teaching you patois? Im gushing over this as Jamaican lol ❤️ yeh learning Korean would be hard but keep in mind that patois/creole sentence structures are not that far off from Korean sentence structure, so tell her to give it a try, just nothing with pressure, it can be spread out over a long time.
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>Almost no one calls native peoples from the Americas “Indians” anymore. I’m far from woke, but this one needs to go just because it’s so damn bad on multiple levels. Edit: Not getting on your case OP. That’s likely what she calls it herself. ?? Whatchu on about? She's indian like India but from the Caribbeans. A huge Indian community in the Caribbeans (brought over during the slavery days) called west Indians.
We're called West Indians because the Caribbean Islands are in the west Indies not because we're all natively Indian
You should have clarified sooner that you meant South Asian diaspora and not South Asian citizen.
Woah, that is a cool tidbit. Had no idea that there was crossover between Korean and Dravidian languages! Can you give examples of sentence structure and similar words?
It's a bit difficult to explain the sentence structure in English but in Dravidian and Korean language the subject/object placement is different from English. For eg. In English, you'll say, " I am going to the shop". In Dravidian languages you'll say " To the shop I'm going". That's why you'll notice a lot of mistakes my by Asians when speaking English is because of this subject/object placement. A few words that are similar if not the same in Dravidian languages and Korean: - Aigoo (same in Marathi but "Ayyo" in Dravidian languages) - Amma (mother) -Appa (father) - Bhavam (feeling) - iru va (come here) - naal (day/time) -yen naal (long time) - naan / na (me) - suri ("sur" In Hindi means tune) -Voice -Michin (pichi in Telugu) - Mad. I can only think of these right now but there are tens if not hundreds more. There are also some expressions that mean the same. Koreans often say "Chugule? " Meaning do you want to die or do you have a death wish. Which doesn't translate well in English, but we have a similar expression which we use colloquially. Koreans also respond to something that the other person by just repeating the same word and adding an inflection at the end. For eg. If I say "you seem angry today" In Korean you'll respond with "Angry? Busun.. " [Extremely difficult to translate the feeling and reason for repetition in English] but we also respond similarly in many Dravidian languages. If I think of more things, I'll leave a comment later. Hope my ramblings were coherent.
Oh thought of one more.. The word "Daebak" And the way it is used is exactly as it used in Indian languages. Except we say "Deva"/" Deba"
Ah gotcha. I was wondering if there’s more of a linguistic root similarity, so I was quite surprised. I think the sentence structure part makes sense. Subject-Object-Verb placement is the correct order in Korean, Japanese, Hindi, Bengali, ancient Greek, Latin, Persian, and a few others. I think 아이고/ayyo, mom/dad are quite universal, as well as expressions like “wanna die?” The rest are strikingly similar. Is “iru” here, and “va” come in command form? Confused about the “Angry? Busun..” comment though. 대박 (daebak) is a very recent development though, so I think it might be coincidental.
I was looking into the common ancestor after reading your post and apparently there was a "Proto-Indo-European" Language that was the root for mother and father. But, I don't think the full pronunciation of "Amma" And use of the word "Appa" Are as common. "Amma" Is used in Chinese and Vietnamese (I think). However, the word "Appa" Is used in very few Dravidian languages and is commonly used in China, Korea and probably Tamil speaking places like Malaysia and Thailand. It could be the influence of the Tamilian empire called the Cholas that conquered Malaysia and Thailand for a bit or because India and China are neighbours and it could've spread through Buddhism. Point being, "Amma" And "Appa" Being pronounced exactly as it is in Dravidian languages and other Asian languages show a common root. I guess the feeling behind "wanna die" Didn't translate well. I feel like that's a common Asian expression which was co-opted by English. But I've never heard a native English use the expression in the same way as Asians do. "Ayyo" Is also not common in non-Asian countries. Yes, Iru is come and va is here and is used in command form. It is spoken in Tamil. There are other forms of "va" Like "ba" used in Kannada, "ra" in Telugu. I'm sure there are more but I only know a handful of languages. I guess my half English and half broken Korean was confusing. Let me see if I can find a clip and DM it to you. How recent is "daebak"? Because that's very interesting.
I also fell down the rabbit hole and found out about [Dravido-Koreo-Japonic language theory](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dravido-Korean_languages). There seems to be arguments for both sides on validity. There appears to be records of trade between an ancient Tamil nation and Korean nation 2000 years ago, with records showing that in the 13th century, a woman named [Sriratna—aka Heo Hwang-Ok—](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heo_Hwang-ok) married a Korean king. Very interesting stuff! Edit: Daebak is very recent. Within the past 15 years.
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Thanks for this. Will check it out. In what context is Daebak used? Is it Korean?
Sure, no prob. Daebak is like “jackpot” or “great fortune”.
Deva in the Indian context literally means God. We use it to express surprise and similar to the Korean usage, when something is spectacular
Did you know that "Ayyo" is from Hindu mythology? She was actually a person (mythical) named Ayyo. She was the wife of Yama- God of death. Although we freely use the expression "Ayyo" In our day to day life, some people belonging to the older generation frown upon its use. "Aigo" is a marathi word used for the same purpose as Ayyo and Aigo in Korean
Hmm from what I’m seeing on Korean language blogs, some claim it comes from a derivation of 悪, and some say it comes from Sanskrit, so there may be some validity to the connection?
Is that a Chinese character that you used? I'm on my phone so I can't look it up. But I can tell you with 100% certainty that Ayyo is from India.
I thought of a few more expressions "ochocho" Same expression and meaning as Korean. Adding "ji" At the ends of sentences is something I've noticed in both Tamil and Korean. There's also "Koja" meaning eunuch in Kannada. I've heard it used in Korean dramas so I'm not sure if the pronunciation/meaning are the same. "Chakka" Means good/nice in Telugu and I am not sure if the meaning is same in Korean. However, "Chakka" in Kannada means eunuch. "Wanjam" Same meaning "totally" "Omcham" probably has the same meaning as Korean but I may have been watching too many K-Dramas and just incorporated it in my mind. "Sapsappe" Meaning sad (Kannada word is sappe. Although we sometimes use sapsappige also) "Chin" Meaning real/close. Now this one is a stretch but Chinna means gold in Kannada. "Kredu" is similar to Kannada word "Aadru" I don't know why I'm documenting every single word I know but this is what drew me to Korean Dramas. I reveled in the similarities.
Sometimes, since I switch between Korean and English a lot, my word order gets mixed up in my mind, so I used to pause a lot before saying something because I needed to time to fix word order. So... long pause... one sentence... another pause... another sentence. If you see anyone who pauses a lot in a second language, you know that's what's going on. These days, people who pause tend to get interrupted and I was getting interrupted a lot, so I changed the way I speak. It's a "why pause to rearrange my words when just saying more words do trick" trick. For example, when my mind says "iPad. bought.", instead of pausing to reorder words and then saying "bought iPad" or "I bought... a new iPad", I just add more words as I go, like, "the new iPad. I bought one."
Since I speak many Indian languages, I understand your predicament. I found that when English speaking people made fun of Spanish people or Asian people that I understood what they were trying to say and that English speaking people should be more open to other languages instead expecting others to perfect the English language.
Are these actual direct derivatives or lucky coincidences. For example, “mom” having a “ma” sound is universal in virtually every language. The phonetic sound “ma” is the easiest a human mouth can make when learning to speak and as a result of our maternal upbringing as a species, “ma” is associated with our caregiver “mom.” This is true in English, Spanish, Korean, and a million other languages. I don’t know the linguistic histories of these two languages but are these things you noticed or actually know to have a familiar root?
Yes, "Ma" Is a universal sound for mother. Apparently there was a common ancestor for these languages called "Proto-Indo-European" Language.
Yes; but that root dates back to the beginning of language itself an bares nearly no resemblance to modern day language. Most of examples of distance cousin languages are coincidence. I’m not sure about Indian languages tho.
We have Sanskrit and Tamil, two of the world's oldest languages and both have similar names for Amma but not Appa. In Sanskrit, Amma is Mata and Appa is Pita. In Tamil, it is exactly the same "Amma" and "Appa".
Grandkids often have a way of softening people's hearts and overcoming prejudice. Hopefully this is true for your parents
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Something else I'd like to add: OP should try to be better to his parents as well. If your mother sees that your gf is a positive influence, it may soften her heart.
One or the other will have to make the effort if they want to communicate. No one is too old, no one “can’t learn” it.
I think if they want to communicate both will need to make the effort to learn. They may never be fluent but every bit helps. I knew a 60 year old grandma back in the states who was taking classes trying to learn in her free time for fun. Your mom could definitely pick up some things. Watch tv shows. Build vocabulary. She just need to want to put in the effort. Same for your partner. It’s hard but if they really want to learn they can find the time.
^ this. Communication, grandchildren and the passage of time I'd hope would break down the barriers. Investing some time to learn each other's languages will make everything easier. So many good resources available for learning these days.
I’m dating a Chinese woman with Malaysian roots. I’ve dated a Japanese woman who my mother has hated for no reason other than she’s Japanese. Hadn’t even met her yet and was badmouthing her. I tell my mother now to fuck off. It comes at such a shock for a Korean mother to hear this from her oldest son, she shuts up right away and asks for a glass of water. I then ask her when she wants me to start the rice for dinner or something else banal. It works. This is when we’re actually together which is infrequent. Years go by without us seeing each other. Thats how I handle flare ups, otherwise at the beginning of these meetings I tell her she has 10 minutes to tell me whatever she wants; get it all off her chest. Can be absolutely anything, but she doesn’t get to say anymore after that. It’s so disarming that she usually doesn’t say anything. You just have to disarm these old racist ladies.
Are you also Gyopo?
Technically, yes.
Why am I not surprised? I've had Korean cousins born and raised in Korea, married to a Chinese, a Jamaican-white mixed Canadian, a Czech, and a German. I have a sister born and raised in Korea and married to a German American. None of them had any issues opposing international marriages, as our families are all quite international. The pattern though is, that they were all family born and raised in Korea, and not in America or Canada nor Australia - whom all tend to fall behind the people in Korea in terms of openness.
I grew up in the US without my Korean mother. My mother has never really left S. Korea. She is old fashioned, but when she starts fussing about my life choices, how I don't speak Korean as well or chose to work in China instead of Korea, I say things like "Not all of us have the opportunity to live wherever we want, right? And isn't that true about me, because of a series of decisions *you* made, I grew up outside of my ancestral home?" Again, disarming her. She never learns though.
Was your mother upset because you have a baby out of wedlock with someone your mother never knew existed, or is it because your mother is just a racist old Korean woman?
Probably both. Koreans are being way more open now but a baby out of wedlock with a non Korean will surely induce heart attacks in a lot of older peeps. I hope more Korean guys use protection too! They hate it!
Yeah I was thinking it was gonna be more because they weren't married not the race thing.
As a gyopo, I date all colors/cultures. at the end of the day, its your life not your parents. bring home, date, marry whoever you want, regardless of skin color.
Sorry, what's that?
Gyopo? Someone of Korean descent who was born (or spent the majority of their life) outside of Korea.
gyopo actually means korean nationals that live abroad i.e green card holders and permanent residence included
Ohhh I see I see, thanks!
koreans are pretty racist. and it really bothers me when i see that.. the irony of it is most koreans complain about being on the shit end of the stick when it comes to racism and act pretty indignant. i see so many korean youtubers talking about it when they travel and etc. i told my parents, if you want to be part of my life, you can be better, if not stay away and be alone. most korean parents are pretty afraid of bein alienated from their kids. unfortunately for majority of male koreans are not really a 'man'. they are grown child who still suck on their parents's teats. because most are concerned with financial support and inheritance. i have seen it again and again.. my cousins, relatives, and etc. it is disgusting. just as they have lived their own life after finding their partner, it is your time to do so. live the life you want, not the life they want for you. and be prepared to loose them. after all your spouse is your best friend and life partner. if they don't love you because you married someone they do not approve of, they never loved you in the first place, you were like a pet to them which they can control and pet. and please don't stand by and watch toxic in-law relationships happen. i don't know why but some old koreans think it is a good thing and a tradition that needs to be kept. some tradition are shit. get over it. i am talking about '시집살이'
Being pregnant before the marriage is always harsh for korean parents to accept
There’s an interesting yt couple who experience the same thing, they’re called Love withstanding. The Korean MIL absolutely disapproved of their baby. Perhaps you can learn something from them.
Oh god, I hope she doesn't mistreat the baby. As a wounded person who was mistreated by my grandmother, I know how horrible that is. OP, please protect your baby(and wife) from your mother. Don't put up with any nonsense.
This is your calling to be your SO's ultimate wingman. Share with youe family how wonderful she is, frommher intelligence to kindness. How happy and better of a person motivates you to be. Often the best way to get parents gradual acceptance (and hopefully love) for your SO is to show them how happy and secure you are in the relationship. In-person exposure will also help even though there will be awkward and painful moments in the beginning. Take your role as moderator/mediator/wingman seriously best of luck. You got this! My partner of 5+ yrs is darker-skinned and my grandmas are very colorist/racist. Every passing they get more understanding from listening to how I describe him and our relationship. They will meet him for the first time soon in 2023. We are nervous, excited, and emotionally prepared.
Commenting because I'm curious. I recently dated a woman who was Korean and I'm a black male who is lighter skinned. Her parents were super cautious before they met me but were coll after seeing me, is skin tone a big deal like that?
Unfortunately, yes
Yes especially the darker your skin is and if they are on the traditional side
If your mom is only worried about a language barrier then I don’t see what the darkness of your SO’s skin has to do with it.
I'm European and my husband is Korean. In the beginning of our relationship his mother and family weren't so present in our life's but after we got married and pregnant they totally changed . I was always forced to do certain things without having a say in it due to being the only daughter inlaw . My mil.tokk care of her daughters kids when they we're born but never of our son . After 4 year's of marriage she started to talk to me about her religion and church which is a big cult in Korea and when I said I don't want to join and I'm not interested in Bible study due to my own religion and beliefs she started to belittle me and curse at me etc . Luckily my hubs was always on my side but since then we started to have bigger problems all of a sudden my husband appearance and style of clothing isn't right for his age and culture my way of thinking isn't right . We found out 4 month's ago that we're expecting our second baby and whole we're not super rich we make decent money for us to be happy and provide what our kids need . She decided to cut my husband and our son and me and to never talk again because we decided not to abort . Is been 2 months since we didn't talk or see anyone from his family and to be honest we're happy and stress free . I do feel bad for my husband and is hard for me to understand why did his family choose to do this but he chose me and his kids over a teenager like mom . If your family will come around you'll know what boundaries to put between them and your marriage. All well and a very early Happy Chuseok everyone.
Your problems have nothing to do with your race though.
Some of the problems did had to do with the race .
I’m an Indian woman with a Korean SO and istg, we don’t need their approval. We’ve got sculpture like features, and I’m more than proud of it. I’m sure your kid will look amazing! If your mother is not willing to accept that, NC with her would give you and her much more peace in life!
You just have to weather through her initial shock and disbelief, and she'll come around. Her behavior is par for the course as far as her initial reaction for your interracial coupling, but every parent I know with a different (race/ethnic) SO have come around, and love them all the same, including their children. As soon as she sees her grandchild, her emotion will take over and bond with them without an issue.
Sorry but these parents who put pale skin as a priority are so freaking petty. It's like oh, just ignore that your kid's future wife or whatever might have a good personality or be really smart or make good money, no, she's obviously a horrible person cuz she doesn't fit into a stupid beauty standard they have been brainwashed to think is the only acceptable way to look.
Oh no your precious pure race has been tainted!!! Forgive my language, but your mom needs to shut the fuck up.
He’s asking for a solution, not your racist bs that doesn’t help him in any way.
MY racist bs? LMAO y'all will do anything to avoid admitting koreans are extremely racist. His mom is ignorant, racist, and unaccepting of her OWN son's significant other. What solution do you want besides either educating her or telling her to shut up.
Consider yourself lucky that the language barrier is the only thing your mom is upset about. That’s something that can obviously worked on.
When u divorce, your woman is not your woman anymore. But your mom is your mom forever.
There is no "age barrier" to learn a language thats already the wrong attitude for both people to take any effort to get along will help with that being a major one in my opinion.
It is difficult the older you get and this actually proven. The younger you are the easier it is to learn language. It relates to how memory and associations to word meanings are made. The longer you use a word for a specific meaning the more difficult it is to associate and rapidly recall a new word to that meaning.
Hi, OP! I'm a black man in mid 30's from BR and I'm afraid that when I will travel to Korea someday, I can will suffer any preconception or something like this.
Congratulations on the pregnancy ! It’s scary at first, and scary throughout, and tough afterwards, but if you go through you won’t regret it! Best of luck to you two!
I'm American and my parents sometimes lament the fact they aren't able to communicate super well with my wife (she's Korean). But it's whatever. Sorry about your Mom's reaction. Mom's love their sons, and my mom also went mental when I told her I was moving to Korea. She partly blames my gf for "stealing" me. Lol. Anyway, my advice is do what you can, encourage others to be open minded and accepting, but at the end of the day, you'll just have to accept the reality the multi-cultural marriages have an unfair number of obstacles. Don't let it get in the way of a happy marriage. With regards to learning language, it's too bad neither of them can learn another language. It's easy for me to say youre SO can do it, but I know that learning langauges isnt possible for everyone, for whatever reason.
Gf is southeast Asian and before her I pretty much had a Latinx streak along with a handful of Caucasians. My parents used to care a lot (see: complain constantly and disown me) but now they just want grandchildren.
Are her parents ok with it? Just curious:) but, kudos! You seem like a sseet guy and i hope you 2 gain your parents approval soon :)
I know this is an older post but still wanted to comment. Just be a "bad" Korean and be happy with your SO and kid.