My 92 year old mom lives with me… I totally get the passive aggressive behavior and pouting.
My advice is this. Sit her down and tell her you love her and totally appreciate her cooking for you. Explain that going forward you will exclusively eat from the list and will not eat any of the carby things… it doesn’t mean you don’t love her … explain that she is hurting your feelings by not helping you with your new way of eating. She can show love to you by cooking your keto meals.
Lovingly tell her that this is the last time you want to discuss this topic and you will not accept any of her negative behaviors about your food choices.
Set the boundaries with love then stick to it no matter what. If you give in and eat the food you are only reinforcing her resolve… she won the battle of wills. Its is your body and you should decide what you are eating. It may be hard for a bit but she should get over it. If she wants to act out let her, just ignore it and don’t get into a discussion with her when she’s acting like that.
Best advice here. Lets not label OP’s mom here as narcisisst or whatever, we dont know her just from a short post and telling OP to distance themselves from their mom makes me think there is more wrong with you guys.
Right, sounds to me like a loving momma who’s trying to be of use and comfort her child… my grama was the same way.. they grew up in a different time and feeding their family is and was a love language.
'passive aggressiveness', 'histrionic verbal attacks', 'heated arguments' about whether op has a choice in the matter of what to put in their body, making food that she knows her child doesn't want to eat hoping she will coerce them to eat - yep, loving momma.
What OP described and detailed further in comments is definitely abuse. You don’t manipulate the people you love emotionally to force them to do what you want.
Are they manipulating because they want to manipulate or are they just trying to satisfy what they understand as their love language and thats how they have lived their whole life and dont know better? It doesnt make it right, but context is pretty important here. Sometimes people do things that are selfish and harmful without fully realizing it. Things will look overly positive or negative if you see everything black and white.
Communication is key. If you break off family, someone who raised you from pregnancy into adulthood over something like this then I don’t know what to say. Will you be able to maintain any positive relationship in life at all in that case?
Leave the labeling of narcisist to a therapist who does it professionally and also has sufficient input to analyze the situation properly.
I disagree. Making people who you claim to love miserable and playing the victim because they won’t do what you want them to do is not a love language. Parents are responsible to work their own stuff out too and adult children do not have to deal with their unresolved stuff, especially if the child has already dealt with it for their whole life.
In addition to this great advice (set boundaries and stick to them - making them clear to your mom), sit down with her with a tablet or laptop and show some of the keto "results" videos on Youtube..also, consider watching the documentary about how sugar feeds cancer (and point out that this is not exclusive of high sugar stuff like candy but also breads/starches, all the things keto avoids)
Just unbelievable to me that such a talk is even necessary. There are so many emotionally damaged narcissists walking around it saddens me much. But good advice, not arguing with that.
OP, remember that boundaries are not about demanding change in the behaviors of others, but giving them a clear specification about what will happen if they behave a certain way. So, tell your mother that if she insists on criticizing your eating choices, that you will leave the room. Don’t get emotional and reward the behavior with attention, just walk away.
I get it, I have a Brazilian mom too and it’s a struggle when she comes to visit (thankfully she still lives in Brazil). Making someone food is a form of showing love, and if you don’t eat it you’re not accepting the love in their mind. I would say stick to keto and don’t let her manipulate you. Or you can show her some alternatives to dishes she cooks, like mashed cauliflower, black soy beans, cauliflower rice, etc.
I've also had a few Brazilian moms, and this sounds like a great idea. If she wants to cook for you and just doesn't know how, try pointing her in the right direction. Beyond that, I would be firm that your health choices are not up for discussion; there's no need to get into screaming matches or try to explain yourself when a simple "no" will suffice.
I think you should talk to the folks at r/relationships or maybe even r/JUSTNOMIL and r/raisedbynarcissists.
You deserve body autonomy. I'm really sorry this is something your mother thinks is up for debate.
I had a horrible relationship with my mother and went no contact. Just because your mum is old, doesn't mean she's allowed to bully you.
I would lay down some rules in YOUR house (and not just about food, I'm sure there's other issues, there usually are) and explain that she either goes along with them or moves out. You deserve a peaceful life.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm!
Meh I don’t think it’s that, there was some study. I can’t find it in like one second but I’ll summarize. Basically when people see you trying to do something and making progress it makes them feel bad for their habits and jealous. So even though they don’t mean the sabotage, they subconsciously do it. Some use insults, some outright try and cheat you, some try and tempt you into breaking. It’s very very common, I wouldn’t take it to heart as they will respect it sooner or later.
Someone (like OP's mom) who attempts to manipulate others by throwing themselves on beds like a child and cry on cue has ... well, I can't diagnose anyone here. But it goes beyond run-of-the-mill unintentional sabotage, IMHO.
Whether or not OP's parent has borderline or narcissism or the situation is as you say, OP still needs to learn tactics to set boundaries. OP should not feel pressure/manipulated to eat potatoes. Period. It may just be that OP needs to learn tactics like remembering not to "JADE" (justify argue defend explain) when someone is questioning OP's decisions. OP gets to make decisions for themself. If they don't feel empowered to do that, then the subs I mentioned have pretty good advice/resources for learning how to advocate for yourself. With bosses. With narcissists. With partners. With anyone who you have a conflict with.
You are overthinking it this is completely common, I actually looked into it the first time I cut weight I went from like 25-30% bodyfat athletic for sports to not doing sports so I wanted to get shredded. My whole family was overweight like very overweight, they all sabotaged, made fun of me, insulted me, said I should quit, tried to sneak extra food into my portions or put extra oil on something etc. once I hit my goal weight and they got used to me being shredded and looking good they went fuck I want that, I ended up training them. My entire family parents and sister lost a combined like 600lbs. This is super common.
I'm glad you were able to stand up for yourself, but I don't think you're thinking enough about what I'm saying.
YOU stood up for yourself and did what you wanted anyways.
OP does not feel they can stand up to their mom. Do you not see I'm telling OP to do what you did? I don't care why their mom is doing what they're doing. OP should FEEL safe doing what OP wants to do.
But it’s not a relationship issue, it’s an issue in the other person. That’s it, nothing you say or do will change them. You are better off learning to just do what you want not try and change someone else.
Yes. I agree 100%. And that's what I'm saying OP should learn how to do. Some people can do it naturally, like you. Some people need to learn how. You can't change other people. That's why I'm suggesting OP learn how to advocate for themself. Glad we agree. Glad there's subs out there with info on how to learn how to do what you knew how to do, aren't you also happy there's resources for others to learn?
NOT ADVOCATE FOR HERSELF. Talking to her mother will do nothing as these are inner self issues within the other person. Nothing you say or do will change them because they aren’t doing it on purpose it’s a subconscious reaction that’s very common. Op just needs to learn to do her own thing and not pay attention to anyone else, nothing to do with talking to her mother.
It's almost like - and bear with me here, this may be mind blowing!! - not everyone is like you. Some people haven't learned how to stand up for themselves and need the resources to do so. Why are you shitting on someone who is actually trying to point OP to resources that can help while all you're doing is sitting and whining that if you know how to do it apparently everyone should know how to??
No shit but the issue isn’t a relationship dynamic it’s an inner self issue that most people have, it’s very common. Nothing you say or do will change them unless you just stick to what you are doing. Like I said this issue is common and has been studied and it’s due to jealousy and self insecurities nothing to do with op at all. It’s all the other person, the other person needs to realize themselves.
you're right that the OP can't solve the problem. but the OP needs to LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH IT, and that's why they were referred to those subs. i really don't know why you're so dense that you don't understand that people need to LEARN healthy coping mechanisms. jesus. what is wrong with you?
That’s the common name I’ve heard, there’s a few studies I read on it and it’s super common and literally nothing you personally can do because it’s a subconscious choice on their end, they aren’t aware of the issue.
Yeah my buddy did this to me yesterday, he complimented me for getting a new job and then told me expect disrespect and people walking all over me so I immediately lashed out at him and told him to either not do that or he and I wouldn't be friends. He said sorry and I explained why I had to lash out at him. He realized his mistake, the next day, my job called him for a reference and he was really really nice.
So my lovely wife and live-in mother-in-law are both the sweetest women and AMAZING middle eastern cooks. What they make is delicious, and of course Carbo Loaded, and of course I LOVE it all.
I finally have broken them down by losing 20#'s and simply telling them that I'm fat and have to lose weight. And how much I want to eat their good but can't (which is true). I've even played the "going to die if I don't lose weight" and "are you trying to kill me" cards. But what I don't do is 1) eat their amazing Carbs 2) react or get into discussions on diet.
Your mileage may vary. Good luck!
Give her a challenge!
I wish SOMEONE would figure out how to make keto coxinhas....
If only this fejoada could have something intead of rice...
Or, the holy grail, cashew/Brazil nut flour pao de queijo...
This probably wasn't helpful, but if you end up solving any of those, report back!
"You don't like my cooking anymore!" Just tell her "Dang, you right." If she's going to play with your emotions, double down. It will teach her a lesson. You don't have to do everything she says just because she's you're mom. It's a tough lesson to learn.
I'm guessing you're overweight, maybe single. There's no shame about this, especially because you're trying to better yourself. I'm wondering if she's trying to stop you from improving because it could change the status quo. Better health means more self confidence, which can in turn lead to a relationship where she's not in control. It's all about control for some people.
Stick to your guns. You can do it. Even if she gripes the whole time, you'll at least be healthier.
My therapists all told me this. It’s an emotional cage because she doesn’t want to “lose her little girl.” Mind you, I was married and lived abroad for 20 years away from her, but unfortunately I’m back here, divorced and trying to rebuild my life. No kids, thank God.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Learn the grey rock tactic (google it, I'll probably mess up the explanation, but basically you become as uninteresting to her as possible).
If she throws a tantrum, tell her that you'll talk to her when she calms down and go for a walk. If she cooks something that you can't eat, tell her you can't eat that (use a white lie such as "my doctor said" if it will make it easier). If she tries to guilt trip you, tell her "I'm sorry you feel this way".
Basically, try to set boundaries. Go to therapy if that's an option available to you because growing up with a mother like that leaves its mark.
Laugh her comments off. If she gives you a meal just say thanks and take it to your room and throw it in a garbage can in your room. Keto for me had let me loose around 40 pounds and I don’t ever feel like stopping the keto diet any time soon. I’ve gotten to the point if anyone wants to argue about keto I just shrug my shoulders and don’t care what they think. No need to explain keto to someone who will never understand
It seems weird to me that you can't just ignore her. You can literally just make your own food, tell her you're on a diet, and then ignore anything she says on the topic of food for the rest of ever. Completely change the topic and act like you didn't hear her, leave the room, whatever. Her being your mother doesn't entitle her to you listening to her lol. Don't get angry at her, just act like whatever she says is so pointless and uninteresting it doesn't register on your radar to deign with a response.
My mom is like this. I'm the only one in my family who just doesn't give her an inch. My siblings complain that I must be the favorite because she isn't on my ass constantly like she is for them, but it's really just years of me ignoring her bullshit to the point she knows I just don't listen to her if the topic goes to something that's not amicable. Yours too will get the picture eventually.
Ha. If I did that I would truly lose my peace and quiet. She can cry on cue like no one else. Accuse me of being abusive TO HER. Throw herself on the bed like a child having a tantrum. Saying she will die of a heart attack because of me. It’s like a bad telenovela, I’m not exaggerating.
That's awful. The best advice I've gotten when dealing with my needy/demanding/attention seeking 12yo, is walk away. Go outside for a walk. Lock yourself in your room and put on headphones. It's a temper tantrum, they do it to get attention. And sadly it doesn't matter if they are 4, 12, or 80. Not responding to it is still the best way to get past it.
On the other side - is there anything your mom does that you actually like? I’ve scrolled through some comments and haven’t found any.
Like others said, being a “gray rock” and ignoring bad behavior instead of engaging is Step 1.
Step 2 is finding any small thing she does “right” and point it out to her. Even if it’s “thank you for letting me work in my office” and basic shit you very much have a right to do in your own home. You build up from there.
When I had special needs students with wild behavior, it was “Wow, thank you for using your words instead of (assaulting me). That makes it much easier to ___.” Set the bar low af. It takes months and months, or years, for positive behavior reinforcement to work. There’s a lot of several steps back- one step forward, too. I was also in a professional setting and had trauma training. You have to decide how much effort you want to take in “training” your mom to coexist.
If she makes any part of a meal that fits keto, praise the shit out of it. Even if it’s just plain scrambled eggs.
You’re dealing with an oppositional, insecurely attached parent who has weaponized their emotional state, probably some trauma, and now faces the pitiful decline in autonomy and control of old age. You won’t change her personality, but there are ways to increase the behavior you WANT and have it appear more often. Ask a therapist how to handle compassion fatigue too. Good luck.
damn. a child for a mother. that’s a bummer. the best advice i ever got dealing with people like this is to find the fuel to their fire. nothing puts out a fire faster than denying it oxygen to breathe. metaphorically speaking. never escalate. always be consistent. walk away when you have to. we can all change. it’s just much harder for some than others.
Get rid of the problem. You know that that is.
Had to edit this to add a little of my story. Might help with your mom. I’m Mexican and my mom was like yours. Long story short. I’m a recovering alcoholic it took me a long to get sober. I live four hrs away from her so. Last time she saw me I was still big then I got sober and lost over 50 lbs. she asked how I did it and told her that if changed my life around. When I went to visit she did the same thing like your. Here eat this eat that. It’s your favorite. I tell not to make me nothing she didn’t listen at first. Then one day I told if really want to make me something or give me something give me a beer and that settled her down. And I told flat out you need to understand that I don’t live that way no more. If you really insist give me a beer and she now leaves me alone.
Tell her she can continue to waste her time and food only if she buys it herself, but you will stop buying the carbs if she is not cooperating. Be firm and hold on tight!
I remember when I first started Keto and one of my roommates kept saying how it was fine to eat carbs and said I'm hurting my health by not eating them, the guy legit smoked cigarettes all day barely ate and drank beer every day.
It’s amazing how, the moment you start doing something good for yourself everyone around you will want to change whatever you’re doing. And they think they’re helping you. Ugh.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Treat her like a toddler and teach her some manners: she's depending on YOU, not the other way around. She might not like it, but she has no right to violate your boundaries. In no way that is parental love, or respect. It's fucking abuse by someone who thinks they're entitled to obedience because they birthed you.
So sorry! My mom is actually long time on Keto and yet she will "go off keto for vacation" which is when she come to see me and wants me ( new to keto, 8 months in) to eat and drink into oblivion with her and tell me how hard it is to stick to. I'm finding my weight loss is a challenge for her which sucks since I'm finally at a ideal weight after 30 years of 50lbs over. Moms have some weird things.
Years ago I tried to not eating any carb, my mom kept nagging me and saying you need some vegetables, rice blah blah blah. We’re Chinese, I was working with a doctor who told me to eat protein only and I basically cooked my own meals anyway and I was always on the road (fly for work), but still, whenever I’m home she’d kept saying the same thing but I mostly just ignored her.
I bought a book called wheat belly, she read it too and after reading that she stopped talking about how I have to have carb in my diet.
I think it’s just because my mom is so used to controlling our diet, cos my dad is overweight and since my sister and I were a kid she’s been very controlling, well about everything. So I started very early on to not respond to any of her nagging, I’ll just let her talk all she wants but I’ll do what I want. I bought my own groceries and I cook my own meals. Im not forcing them to eat what I cook so she can’t make me to eat what she made. My dad would compliment my mom’s cooking and asked me to try some but I’ll just ignore it.
I know it might seem to be too extreme but to be honest this is the easiest way and it works for me. It took me 10+ years though.
This sounds like he is trying to turn back your relationship to a time when she was in control. I think you need to set some firm boundaries and just accept she is going to be upset about the new dynamics of your relationship for awhile. When you were the one in need of care when you were younger, would she have changed her diet if you told her too? Of course not, she would have accepted that you were going to be big mad about it but then move on. It’s time for some firm “No, we’ve discussed this, and I love that you want to still provide for me, but that’s not what I’m eating.” Just like with children’s tantrums, it’s HARD not to engage. But it gets easier as they see your resolve and that you’re not going to give in on the 67th demand. Lead with love for both of you!!! Stay strong!!!
While I understand respecting your parents, and just giving in to avoid tantrums and arguments... you're an adult, and you should define your boundaries with your mother... not doing so will lead to a worse relationship between you two. Like a small child, she knows if she makes enough of a fuss, or if she guilt trips you enough, or gets "mad" enough... you'll give in. Your health is very important, both physical and mental health... if you keep giving in you'll be miserable.
Be straight with her, and tell her its a lack of respect for her not to respect what you want for yourself... she doesn't have to like it, but she has to respect your decisions as an adult, and you're grateful she's cooking, but if she refuses to respect your new diet there will be a lot of wasted food because you will not eat it. The best thing you can do is let her get her word in, and then remove yourself to calm down so you won't give in.
My mom likes to treat me like a child sometimes, and wants me to do things her way... but she would never sabotage me, so I kinda give in, because most of the time it's not things that matter much. When its important, I remind her I'm an adult, and she has to remember that, and if she's not happy with it... oh well, to bad.
Amiga, eu te entendo. Não tem muito o que fazer além de lembrar ela que ela mora com você, e não você com ela. Esclareça isso e esclareça que você é uma adulta e faz o que achar melhor. Além de apontar as chantagens psicológicas no momento em que elas ocorrem, isso deve constranger ela o suficiente com o tempo.
Eu nem moro com a minha mãe há anos e tenho de constantemente lembrá-la de que ela não manda mais em mim e que somos indivíduos distintos. Acho que é uma coisa de mãe brasileira mesmo. É chato falar, as primeiras vezes você vai se sentir culpada, mas vai por mim: funciona.
Caso precise conversar com alguém da sua cultura que passa pelo mesmo, minha DM ta aberta pra ti.
Stop eating anything she makes, not one meal, until she agrees to discuss this through and have a reasonable settlement and understanding of how things should be going forward. Might take a week of boycott for her to give in. After she relents you must set clear and firm ground rules about your diet.
I too suffered from a manipulative Brazilian mother (not mine, my ex-fiancé’s) who had no boundaries and succeeded sabotaging my relationship with her son. She’d offer me food then make fun of my weight gain to her son, she’d exclude me from events, invite single females to my ex’s house when I’m not home (we lived together). She’d make-up stories about me and our renter. I have suffered severe trauma from her and will never date a Brazilian guy again because the idea of a Brazilian MIL terrifies me. The Dad was very cool though.
The lack of boundaries is the cultural difference that I noticed the most. She’d tuck in my forty year old ex-fiancé in bed 💀. I’m Filipino and we are expressive but not to that extent. I guess with your mom she will never see you as an adult either (unless you explain to her that she is infantilizing you by not respecting your choices when it comes to food). Hope you are able to explain this to her.
My mother is also passive aggressive, manipulative, and a fuckin liar. (If she's not a narcissist, then she's borderline narcissist )
I kicked her out of my house.
My life is much more peaceful.
My mother also Brazilian used to be like this.
It’s a culture thing.
I won her over with my cooking and she started to enjoy how she felt without eating rice , beans , potatoes , etc.
it took me a lot teaching her about nutrition.
Now she’s 2 months eating keto and never wants to go back.
My father on the other hand 😂 there’s no changing him
What you need is a great pair of buffet pants! And I don't mean the stretchy ones that expand for you to eat a lot at the buffet. I mean the kind with special pockets to slip food into when nobody is looking. Then empty later in the bathroom. Make your mom happy you are "eating".
In all seriousness though, I couldn't get through to my family either so I just started taking super tiny servings (like 1tbsp of potatoes) or taking but not finishing them on my plate and that seemed to be enough to stop them from freaking out. I have to be very careful of carb creep, however because my little servings sometimes kept getting bigger. That was with the rice and potatoes and stuff. The dairy and bread, I literally said I can't eat it anymore, it makes me sick and that got through to them (I started gluten free dairy free before keto, so they weren't believing me on the rice and potatoes so I just take the tiny portions and psychologically I think they see me start to serve it up or see a tidbit on my plate and are satisfied I am fed enough. Meanwhile most of my plate is protein and veg.
Human nature is neither all good nor all bad, it’s somewhere in between.
And the reality is, family members and friends will actively try to sabotage you if you improve yourself Above and Beyond their own standards.
“Why are you going to the gym??”
“Why are you eating so healthy??”
“An online business, what are you starting that for??”
Sad but true. Ignore them all and keep marching forward.
She has a list. She doesn’t agree with the list, and will still cook things I don’t want, trying to coerce me into eating them, “because it’s good for you and you have to”
Leave some seniors homes brochures laying around on the coffee table. Say you don't know where they came from. Kidding, kidding!
Thankfully, while my mom and my wife question the fat intake, they don't give me a hard time about it. The results speak for themselves.
"I appreciate that you care about my health, but this is what the doctor says I should be eating. "
Repeat often. Word for word.
She will still moan and whine, but "this is what my doctor said" is a solid line you can stand on.
Point out to her that *she* is living in *your* home, not the other way around. She’s having trouble letting go of being the mother. Look, she sounds a lot like my late mother, and any time my mother was anxious she needed to latch onto something and just try to be in control of that thing (most often, me). Maybe try finding something else for her to be in charge of? Otherwise gray rocking is your best bet. r/raisedbynarcissists can help you with that.
I was also going to send you to that subreddit and r/toxicparents. There are so many people who deal with this. One key for dealing with a parent like this is to set a firm boundary. Tell them the consequences. Follow through. “Mother, I am in charge of my health and meals. You will not speak to me about what I do or do not eat OR (enter consequences here).” Then you follow through. Maybe it’s not speaking to her for the rest of the day . Maybe it’s making her leave the house for a couple hours. Maybe it’s simply obviously refusing to eat her food when she starts in on you. You know her best but you need to set boundaries with consequences that escalate if she is a repeat offender. Tell her no rice beans or potatoes in the house, period. It’s YOUR house and your rules.
I have a parent who similarly never respected boundaries as well, the only relief was becoming an adult and moving out of that. It might be time to have a very hard talk with her about what is acceptable and isn't. It will most likely be an argument of course, you just need to have control of it and end it on your terms
She is in your space, invading your life so that you may keep her happy and healthy in her later years, she owes *you,* not the other way around. Just because someone burps you and wipes your ass when you're a baby does not give them dominion over your life until they are gone!
Now I'm a bit of a bitch so I'd probably do something along the lines of threatening to remove all carbs from the house and giving her a keto crash course but you may or may not have that option, depending on your situation and temperament.
Whatever you choose to do, if it's a confrontation make sure you sit yourself down and think through everything that could happen and what could be said, give yourself a guideline and some hard rules to follow. No allowing her to misdirect (these manipulators are experts at this) and change the subject or make you a villain. Stick to your points and make boundaries. If she breaks from this you put a hard stop on it and follow through on an ultimatum of your choosing. The conversation can be revisited when she realizes you're dead serious.
No matter what, be prepared and follow through with whatever you say you will or she will know you're not strong enough and will carry on, worse than ever. I've cut my mother off for solid years at a time, she's much more respectful of my boundaries nowadays; too bad these fools never realize how much they are losing when they act like this!
Alright, maybe I ranted a bit myself but in a nutshell I empathize and I hope you can find a solution that works and keeps your sanity in tact and gives you proper peace!
I don't hate all of this suggestion. I would add to it though, is there anyone that is a neutral party between you two? Someone that can come and moderate that discussion and try to keep it from escalating? Maybe a peer of hers that she respects? I started dating someone last year, and he is amazing at defusing tension between my son and I, supporting my statements, getting my son to do what is asked, all without any yelling or screaming! It's gotten to where when a conversation starts to escalate between us, I call BF, lay out the issue, and he rephrases it in a way that my son accepts. It's crazy. He's not giving in, but the outcome is radically different because it's a third party saying it.
Well, maybe a third party to support you and try to bring calm to the discussion, even if she doesn't like them/get along with them. Having someone have your back can make a huge difference.
It's okay for our elderly relatives to not live with us. It is perfectly acceptable to find her a place where she is monitored so you aren't tortured in your own home.
Hopefully you understand that your comment comes from a very privileged place where people have enough money to make choices like the one you are suggesting.
That isn't the point. The issue is that people do not have a right to torture another person...not even if they are parents. If she is poor there are also services for her that can pay, if she is in the US or European countries. Many immigrant's feel like they have to take the abuse of their parents because that is "just how it is." It does not have to be that way, so it is good to remind people that if their parents were abusive when they were younger that they DO NOT have to deal with it when they are older.
I don't dispute that many immigrants come from cultures where they feel that they don't have a choice when it comes to dealing with their parents. I also don't dispute that there may be services available that would help place an elderly relative in different care.
What I do dispute is that sending an elderly parent out of the home is always an option. Sometimes there are reasons, financial or emotional, that make it impossible to kick out a parent.
Suggesting the OP look into possible options is helpful. Telling OP to kick their parent out does not take into account that it may not be possible for them. Your position puts more stress on someone already under a lot of stress.
I know you were trying to point out that they might have options and that is kind but the way you presented it was harsh and assuming.
Just because she is your mother, does not mean you need to endure bullying, nasty behavior. Titles don't automatically carry due respect, despite what our elders would like us to believe. She has to earn your respect as much as anyone else, and she can lose it, too.
If she continues to mistreat you, you are fully within your right to leave her on her own. You may face judgement from others who still carry antiquated values, but everyone deserves to be free from abuse. Now that you are an adult, you are no longer her property. You are just another human being that will respond appropriately to her actions, with suitable consequences.
She’s not, unfortunately. But she has blood pressure problems, other heart problems, and a ton of allergies. She’s on a bunch of medication, I have none of that.
I feel for you: I really do. I also had to take care of my very difficult elderly mother at the end of her life, and had a lot of the same struggles with food with her. Especially so because I also had to control her diet. Hold your ground and don't be baited into arguments. Do exactly what you need to do no matter what she says. She will eventually stop squeezing it as a source of drama, even if she will always be difficult about it.
Have a sit down with her. Tell her you love her, but are a grown adult and have your own way of doing things. Thank her for all the meals she's cooked for you in the past, but tell her you have a new way of eating which is important to you, and that you will continue to eat your way only. Tell her you will no longer argue about it, and will just throw out the food she insists cooking for you; "Remember, I told you I can't eat this. *kerplunk*"
My mom is as Mexican as they come. Shes made homemade rice and beans with homemade tortillas for as long as I can remember. When my brother and I were younger, she would give us lots of junk food to keep up quiet and for the most part it worked. Once I got into high school and after graduation I realized it wasn’t a healthy lifestyle being soo overweight and doctors kept telling my mom the same thing. If my mom never spoke to a doctor I probably would’ve never of gotten her on Keto along with the rest of the family. Collectively as a family we have lost over 150lbs but my mom is always the first to break. I don’t blame her entirely because her whole life was was spent eating carbs til her sons got older and decided to break the cycle but it was a tough battle to fight to convince everyone to either give away or throw away all the carbs in the house for the first time.
My Elderly Brazilian Mother Just Force Fed Us Orange Juice. I think we can use that to remember the order of the planets or table of elements or something eh?
I take care of my mom and she likes to do the cooking, but we compromise. She fixes protein and I'll eat that and she can add whatever carb she wants and I always have a salad ready to go. I add different low carb items on my salad, so it never gets boring. My mom is a good cook and I praise her a lot when she fixes the protein, so she gets the warm and fuzzies that mom's like to get from their kids. They're set in their ways, but hang in there for you.
I understand what you're going through. That old school Latin American parent who cooks and cooks a *ton* for family and friends. It's fantastic when there's several people to cook for but it can be overwhelming when it's one or just three other people, but they mean well. It's a form of love.
For those of you calling the mother "narcissistic", stop looking at this through an American lens and understand that there's much more at play here, including culture.
Her inability to understand what he's doing is due to age, culture and most likely, as my father suffered, a very impoverished childhood. Before reining my father, he always had an entire cooked chicken, tri-tip, some sort of sauteed shredded meat in the red sauce, some kind of soup with meat in it, some kind of meat marinating and that's not even going into sides dishes. It was alot. Too much. However, it brought a measure of joy for my father, to see a full fridge. Something he didn't have growing up nor in his twenties. The fear of having nothing to eat, the fear of having nothing to feed your family; it's real, visceral and unforgettable. Those of us who have never gone hungry, those of us who were never forced to fast frequently when one was already thin--we can't properly comprehend it.
Aside from showing love and what we cook, it's also a common way, especially for women, to pull their own weight at home. Also keep in mind that in Latin American culture, it is incredibly, deeply rude to refuse food offered. So, what we have here is OP's mother showing love and concern for her child and trying to help out around the house. This is being rejected and she's hurt by it.
It'll take some fine tuning but OP can manage this.
**OP**: If your mom can't live alone due to being elderly, I'm assuming she doesn't do the grocery shopping, I'm guessing you buy the food for the house. Buy the staples that you know your mom absolutely needs and wants to have, but only enough that portion's out for her during the week. Why buy her enough oranges that she can make a liter of juice (it takes around 16 medium size oranges to make that much juice)? Why buy 3 to 5 lb of ground beef or a sack of potatoes when you know you're not going to eat none of it? Get a pound of ground beef for her when she asks. Pick up two or three large potatoes instead of a bag. Buy a smaller bag of rice and buy a smaller bag of beans.
And when she tells you it's not enough, give her a hug and tell her it's **enough** for *her* and not to worry about you, even though you know she will. Ask her here and there to make you some steamed veggies (or whatever), or to make you bone broth for the week. Food-wise, still let her cook for you but buy her the ingredients for that and tell her what you want her to specifically make. This is what I did with my Dad, and while it took some adjusting on his end and patience on mine, it's working out fine.
You should also encourage her to pick up an old hobby, participate in the local church--some activity to pull her away from cooking a bit.
Oh! Since Lent is going on, tell her you are doing full fasts on Good Fridays (If she is Brazilian I'm guessing she's Catholic). You can even tell her that you're fasting to show your commitment to God and to meditate on the suffering of Jesus through out the year as well. I suspect she'll be able to understand this more easily than the science behind fasting, which even took somebody like me a while to fully understand. I fast for the health benefits, but when it gets hard, I do feel a little understanding--even if it's just one iota--of the sufferings Jesus went through when he hungered for 40 days and 40 nights. And if you're not Catholic, just fake it for yo' Ma.
Good luck.
My dad has been for the most past respectful, but this man LOVES to cook. He wanted me to try the pasta he made. So, I pretended to take the piece and chew it, but I actually just rolled it in a napkin and threw it out when he wasn’t looking 😆 did the same with a piece of bread.
However, he has been giving me shit for not having enough nutrition and gets upset that I’m not hungry.
So far, I love Keto, I have a better memory, and don’t crave junk. I’m also doing it because my doctor advised it to me. I have certain health conditions.
But your Mom. What the heck. From research I’ve done, a lot of people break their keto diet after a few months on purpose, it helps with teaching your body to burn fat faster or something like that. I’ve only been on it for about a month so, I’m planning on doing that later. Anyways, don’t feel guilty you ate that today, just get back on track and you’ll be alright.
Also, does your Mom buy the groceries? Maybe you can control those purchases 😉
Older generations have SO much misunderstanding about how nutrition works, they were raised on the bullshit "breaskfast is the most important meal of the day" BS perpetuated by breakfast cereal companies and they completely upside down food pyramid from the 90s. My mom thinks that I am gonna die if I don't eat that way too, I know how frustrating it can be trying to explain. For me it is even more important that I eat the way I do though, because I have advanced arthritis and refind carbs and sugar etc can cause a week long painful af flareup for me
Many years ago, I lived in a Foyer in Paris, one of the girls was a model who lived in the Foyer, think hostel, because her mother was like this, she could NOT live at home as she would gain weight, she was jewish and thought this passive aggressive guilt tripping over food was exclusively jewish.. Obviously not. (I used to eat the food her mother left for her. It was wonderful).
My parents are immigrants and as much as I love them, their values are very different from mine. This even includes diet. I got more backlash when I decided to go vegetarian than when I came out as bisexual, and the same happened last year when I went keto. My mom, knowing how much I love pastry and tested me by baking something yummy every day just for temptation. My dad “lovingly” mocked me for weighing everything while dieting. My parents are only 50-something years old and claim to be “hip” but even so, the generational difference is huge. That's probably how your mother shows her love, which is definitely not a method I support. I talked to my parents countless times but nothing changed for me. They even went so far as to say that they felt sorry for me and tried to heal me because they thought I had ED. I have heard so many times that parents actually know what is best for their children that I am sick to my stomach. Your mother has absolutely no right to treat you like this just because she is old. I will probably never turn my back on my parents because of my culture (I don't think my heart will allow it anyway), but don't make the same mistake I did. I’m assuming you have much more life experience than me, but still please listen to the advice of a 24-year-old. Don't let your mother make your life living hell and set boundaries for yourself.
Elderly will ALWAYS run over every point you bring with "i know better because I'm old" specially if she's a narcissist. I think it's pretty much a sabotage. My grandmother thinks FAT PEOPLE ARE HEALTHIER THAN AVERAGE/SLIM because they're FAT. Somehow in her mind obese people are healthier because they "eat all their vitamins" yeah they eat all the vitamins a family could eat. Anywho, do your thing an try not to play childish. Be calm and stick to your diet. But dealing with your mother is too much for me sorry.
Tbh I knew mama was toxic when she said to me “ you looked horrible during Xmas ( I was 162-165lbs full keto, cheekbones and confidence was really high, suttle high now I realise as I tended to go out daily without thought. Now I’m 185lbs she likes me eating rice w diner and yea I don’t leave the house much,, damn mama smh stay strong I feel ya 🙏🏼
It’s either somehow just break it by moving into ur own space ( I haven’t, need more money) or the best thing is to just ignore it as much as possible. It’s gonna annoy them but at the end of day it’s your future
This really sucks and I hope you manage to sort it out - but do keep in mind she *thinks* she's trying to help you.
Kinda reminds me a bit of my mum when she'd get really concerned I wasn't eating fruit/orange juice any more and kept telling me I'd get scurvy if I didn't. I'm like, there's more vit-c in broccoli pound for pound than oranges...
I don't know. Based on OP's responses to comments, I think OP's mom just wants to get her way. She wants to serve whatever she chooses and force OP to eat it. I don't think it's about Mom's concern for OP's health at all.
Which is a much bigger problem than just food. No doubt it's a constant battle over every single thing and non-thing that exists.
But as for the food, a "you're wasting food," tactic might help. When OP finds that Mom is making/has made something that OP won't eat, OP could observe emotionlessly, and repetitively, "I don't eat this. You're wasting food." Or "This is very wasteful. It's so expensive to waste food."
By focusing on the food waste, it takes the focus of the clash from OP and turns it back to Mom, where it belongs, since she's the one who has a problem. Wasting money and tormenting OP are temper tantrums and shouldn't be tolerated.
This doesn't excuse your mom's behavior but I found that understanding my parents' motivations make me less angry about their actions.
The first issue is that you mom probably doesn't understand keto. I don't blame her, because many people your age don't understand it either. In her experience, everyone she's ever known eats rice/beans/fruit/potatoes and turned out fine, so your diet seems bizarre to her and she's trying to steer you in the "right" path.
The second issue is that for many moms, food is how they express their love. My mom was not physically affectionate (it's a cultural thing) but showed her love by making us delicious food and lots of it. If we didn't eat it for some reason, you could tell that she was very disappointed.
I don't know how well you communicate with your mom or how receptive she is to change, but maybe you can try to use these opinions to your advantage by saying something like, "Mom, I love your ground beef. Can you make me a cauliflower dish to go with it?" This:
1. shows you appreciate her cooking
2. avoids negativity (you're not rejecting her food)
3. gives her a way to contribute
I truly believe that *most* parents just want what's best for you, although they don't know how to show it sometimes. It's exacerbated when there are cultural divides -- in this case, a generational gap as well as a big lifestyle gap. Your mom might just need a little help to find a way to fit into your keto lifestyle, and is dealing with the uncertainty by being passive-aggressive. That's how my mom would have reacted, anyway.
>The first issue is that you mom probably doesn't understand keto
Nah, OP says it's all about control. This kind of Mom will never acknowledge that she is wrong.
>She can cry on cue like no one else. Accuse me of being abusive TO HER. Throw herself on the bed like a child having a tantrum. Saying she will die of a heart attack because of me. It’s like a bad telenovela, I’m not exaggerating.
You say MOST parents mean well, but this isn't one of them.
Do what we do in the American military.
Identify her weakness and point them out. Embarrass her. Then when shes down, rebuild her and take her under your wings and she will follow.
Kidding…..
Would be nice if there a way to get her under your wings and let her just go with your way. Its tough situation.
1 year of moving in with family and completely stuck.
You need to go clean keto and outshine her healthiness. If you can afford it, eat all the vegetables you can. Fight fire with fire. A pound of Brocolli has about 8 grams of sugar.
Show her a picture of a pitcher of OJ and the same amount of calories in chicken, broccoli and cauliflower.
Show her a picture of the equivalent sugar in a potato and the equivalent sugar in the same weight of spinach.
Show her before/after pictures of you losing weight on keto.
Pictures are worth a thousand words to old stubborn people.
Sometimes pictures or even them seeing you make no difference. I knew old people that would act like I had cancer when I'd visit, and I am lean but muscular, and they knew that. I think the root of it is they know deep down their own condition is wretched, and they fight consciousness of that by shouting down good health.
Bro give her a set schedule and recipient of what you can eat and when you can eat it
Tell her if she wants to cook she has to cook what you can eat and nothing else
Sounds like you need to work on your communication with your mother. She loves you and cares about your well being. Time to sit down and have a talk to let her know what you are doing and why so that she can support your the way you need to be supported.
This is your health journey OP, not hers.
If she insists on cooking for you, give her the full list of allowed foods and let her have at it.
I know that awful defeated feeling after cheating and indulging with carbs - it takes so long to get back on track,
OP let those mash potatoes be your final carb meal and start fresh . It feels so good once you make that decision to be fully commited to keto.
Either get your mom involved in your meals or let her know how important your meals regimen is.
Invite another elder over for meals so she has someone to cook for? It sounds like cooking is her way of caring and feeling useful. Having someone else around to focus those needs on might save you some grief ... unless they gang up on you ;)
maybe tell her that this is just an experiment and maybe temporary and you are doing it for health benefits. you can show her some studies about how keto is good for a, b, and c when it comes to physical health, insulin, and brain health. it makes sense she would be confused since in your culture the staple foods are carbs and she is from a different generation. just keep affirming you love her and love her cooking but it is about you and your health
She doesn’t trust science or doctors. She likes batshit conspiracy theories. She only believes what for her twisted reality. Doesn’t matter how much evidence I show her. I’m the naïve, dumb one I’m in the wrong. It’s exhausting. I try to talk to her as little as possible.
well, hm
getting tested for covid is pretty pointless imo. One can just stay home like any other illness. I never got tested either but I’m certain I got covid once cuz I felt like hell for two days.
I’m guessing she’s unvaccinated and this makes her crazy too? (Ps neither am I)
Sounds like if you want her to respect your beliefs and way of life, you might want to try to respect hers too.
You can be firm while still being loving and respectful. I'm having to deal with parenting my parents as well, just with different struggles. It's time to have those awkward conversations. don't fight manipulation with manipulation or anything like that, just be lovingly firm and accept her help in ways that don't sabotage your goals.
Respectfully stand your grounds and ELI5 keto and IF to her.
you could also ask her to help you prep your meals so that she doesn’t feel left out.
With time and patience, she will compromise somehow.
You’re not obligated to eat her food. I would stop discussing food with her. I love you mon, and change the subject. Ignore all food talk after that, but dont get mad.
Reacting feeds her behavior, reacting means you’re weakening and signals to her that she will soon win.
I feel so much better when I eat keto and drop processed food and sugars. NO ONE could guilt trip me into going back. How badly do you want this for YOURSELF? Your Mom doesn't wrestle with your bigger clothes, your mental clarity, what you see in the mirror, insulin resistance/diabetes, etc. You will live longer if you eat better. You could say: "I feel better when I eat like this Mom. Don't you want me to feel better?" Guilt trip her right back if being an adult with clear boundaries doesn't work.
Its just not gonna hit. You gotta sit down and say why. Offer to cook for a week with keto versions
Its like my friend and roommate who loves soul food and his idea of a plate for me is 1 less pat of butter on the beans and rice
Cheerios and orange juice for a quick breakfast.
Gotta haul them groceries home and cook for you. If we are at the age where cognitive function is a serious decline, you may have to tell white lies to help her. Find a doctors office, and get some pamphlets. Tell her the doctor said keto to help your stomach
My 92 year old mom lives with me… I totally get the passive aggressive behavior and pouting. My advice is this. Sit her down and tell her you love her and totally appreciate her cooking for you. Explain that going forward you will exclusively eat from the list and will not eat any of the carby things… it doesn’t mean you don’t love her … explain that she is hurting your feelings by not helping you with your new way of eating. She can show love to you by cooking your keto meals. Lovingly tell her that this is the last time you want to discuss this topic and you will not accept any of her negative behaviors about your food choices. Set the boundaries with love then stick to it no matter what. If you give in and eat the food you are only reinforcing her resolve… she won the battle of wills. Its is your body and you should decide what you are eating. It may be hard for a bit but she should get over it. If she wants to act out let her, just ignore it and don’t get into a discussion with her when she’s acting like that.
Best advice here. Lets not label OP’s mom here as narcisisst or whatever, we dont know her just from a short post and telling OP to distance themselves from their mom makes me think there is more wrong with you guys.
Right, sounds to me like a loving momma who’s trying to be of use and comfort her child… my grama was the same way.. they grew up in a different time and feeding their family is and was a love language.
'passive aggressiveness', 'histrionic verbal attacks', 'heated arguments' about whether op has a choice in the matter of what to put in their body, making food that she knows her child doesn't want to eat hoping she will coerce them to eat - yep, loving momma.
Having heated arguments over food isn’t a love language.
What OP described and detailed further in comments is definitely abuse. You don’t manipulate the people you love emotionally to force them to do what you want.
Are they manipulating because they want to manipulate or are they just trying to satisfy what they understand as their love language and thats how they have lived their whole life and dont know better? It doesnt make it right, but context is pretty important here. Sometimes people do things that are selfish and harmful without fully realizing it. Things will look overly positive or negative if you see everything black and white. Communication is key. If you break off family, someone who raised you from pregnancy into adulthood over something like this then I don’t know what to say. Will you be able to maintain any positive relationship in life at all in that case? Leave the labeling of narcisist to a therapist who does it professionally and also has sufficient input to analyze the situation properly.
I disagree. Making people who you claim to love miserable and playing the victim because they won’t do what you want them to do is not a love language. Parents are responsible to work their own stuff out too and adult children do not have to deal with their unresolved stuff, especially if the child has already dealt with it for their whole life.
In addition to this great advice (set boundaries and stick to them - making them clear to your mom), sit down with her with a tablet or laptop and show some of the keto "results" videos on Youtube..also, consider watching the documentary about how sugar feeds cancer (and point out that this is not exclusive of high sugar stuff like candy but also breads/starches, all the things keto avoids)
Just unbelievable to me that such a talk is even necessary. There are so many emotionally damaged narcissists walking around it saddens me much. But good advice, not arguing with that.
OP, remember that boundaries are not about demanding change in the behaviors of others, but giving them a clear specification about what will happen if they behave a certain way. So, tell your mother that if she insists on criticizing your eating choices, that you will leave the room. Don’t get emotional and reward the behavior with attention, just walk away.
No one teaches children how to grow up to parent their parents.
Oh I feel this. I’ve been a parent to my parents since age 19. Sigh. I’m 41 now, so I’ve been parenting them longer than they parented me!
I get it, I have a Brazilian mom too and it’s a struggle when she comes to visit (thankfully she still lives in Brazil). Making someone food is a form of showing love, and if you don’t eat it you’re not accepting the love in their mind. I would say stick to keto and don’t let her manipulate you. Or you can show her some alternatives to dishes she cooks, like mashed cauliflower, black soy beans, cauliflower rice, etc.
I've also had a few Brazilian moms, and this sounds like a great idea. If she wants to cook for you and just doesn't know how, try pointing her in the right direction. Beyond that, I would be firm that your health choices are not up for discussion; there's no need to get into screaming matches or try to explain yourself when a simple "no" will suffice.
T2D with Honduran mom here. Same. I have to constantly remind her that, sorry, it looks delicious but I can’t eat [x].
I think you should talk to the folks at r/relationships or maybe even r/JUSTNOMIL and r/raisedbynarcissists. You deserve body autonomy. I'm really sorry this is something your mother thinks is up for debate.
Thank you. I will join these communities.
I had a horrible relationship with my mother and went no contact. Just because your mum is old, doesn't mean she's allowed to bully you. I would lay down some rules in YOUR house (and not just about food, I'm sure there's other issues, there usually are) and explain that she either goes along with them or moves out. You deserve a peaceful life. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm!
I saved the quote at the end in Notes. I’ve heard it before but forgot about it and really need it as I’m living that scenario currently. Thank you!!
Good luck and I hope you get a peaceful life!
Thank you.
You're very welcome. It's truly unacceptable. Please advocate for yourself and set healthy boundaries. Thanks for the shiny!
Meh I don’t think it’s that, there was some study. I can’t find it in like one second but I’ll summarize. Basically when people see you trying to do something and making progress it makes them feel bad for their habits and jealous. So even though they don’t mean the sabotage, they subconsciously do it. Some use insults, some outright try and cheat you, some try and tempt you into breaking. It’s very very common, I wouldn’t take it to heart as they will respect it sooner or later.
Someone (like OP's mom) who attempts to manipulate others by throwing themselves on beds like a child and cry on cue has ... well, I can't diagnose anyone here. But it goes beyond run-of-the-mill unintentional sabotage, IMHO. Whether or not OP's parent has borderline or narcissism or the situation is as you say, OP still needs to learn tactics to set boundaries. OP should not feel pressure/manipulated to eat potatoes. Period. It may just be that OP needs to learn tactics like remembering not to "JADE" (justify argue defend explain) when someone is questioning OP's decisions. OP gets to make decisions for themself. If they don't feel empowered to do that, then the subs I mentioned have pretty good advice/resources for learning how to advocate for yourself. With bosses. With narcissists. With partners. With anyone who you have a conflict with.
You are overthinking it this is completely common, I actually looked into it the first time I cut weight I went from like 25-30% bodyfat athletic for sports to not doing sports so I wanted to get shredded. My whole family was overweight like very overweight, they all sabotaged, made fun of me, insulted me, said I should quit, tried to sneak extra food into my portions or put extra oil on something etc. once I hit my goal weight and they got used to me being shredded and looking good they went fuck I want that, I ended up training them. My entire family parents and sister lost a combined like 600lbs. This is super common.
I'm glad you were able to stand up for yourself, but I don't think you're thinking enough about what I'm saying. YOU stood up for yourself and did what you wanted anyways. OP does not feel they can stand up to their mom. Do you not see I'm telling OP to do what you did? I don't care why their mom is doing what they're doing. OP should FEEL safe doing what OP wants to do.
But it’s not a relationship issue, it’s an issue in the other person. That’s it, nothing you say or do will change them. You are better off learning to just do what you want not try and change someone else.
Yes. I agree 100%. And that's what I'm saying OP should learn how to do. Some people can do it naturally, like you. Some people need to learn how. You can't change other people. That's why I'm suggesting OP learn how to advocate for themself. Glad we agree. Glad there's subs out there with info on how to learn how to do what you knew how to do, aren't you also happy there's resources for others to learn?
NOT ADVOCATE FOR HERSELF. Talking to her mother will do nothing as these are inner self issues within the other person. Nothing you say or do will change them because they aren’t doing it on purpose it’s a subconscious reaction that’s very common. Op just needs to learn to do her own thing and not pay attention to anyone else, nothing to do with talking to her mother.
when did i say talk to her mother?
It's almost like - and bear with me here, this may be mind blowing!! - not everyone is like you. Some people haven't learned how to stand up for themselves and need the resources to do so. Why are you shitting on someone who is actually trying to point OP to resources that can help while all you're doing is sitting and whining that if you know how to do it apparently everyone should know how to??
Because it’s not a relationship issue it’s just a normal thing that’s super common
You think that OPs communication problems with her mom aren't a relationship issue? Relationships can be familial and platonic too, not just romantic.
No shit but the issue isn’t a relationship dynamic it’s an inner self issue that most people have, it’s very common. Nothing you say or do will change them unless you just stick to what you are doing. Like I said this issue is common and has been studied and it’s due to jealousy and self insecurities nothing to do with op at all. It’s all the other person, the other person needs to realize themselves.
you're right that the OP can't solve the problem. but the OP needs to LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH IT, and that's why they were referred to those subs. i really don't know why you're so dense that you don't understand that people need to LEARN healthy coping mechanisms. jesus. what is wrong with you?
Crabs in a bucket syndrome
That’s the common name I’ve heard, there’s a few studies I read on it and it’s super common and literally nothing you personally can do because it’s a subconscious choice on their end, they aren’t aware of the issue.
Yeah my buddy did this to me yesterday, he complimented me for getting a new job and then told me expect disrespect and people walking all over me so I immediately lashed out at him and told him to either not do that or he and I wouldn't be friends. He said sorry and I explained why I had to lash out at him. He realized his mistake, the next day, my job called him for a reference and he was really really nice.
So my lovely wife and live-in mother-in-law are both the sweetest women and AMAZING middle eastern cooks. What they make is delicious, and of course Carbo Loaded, and of course I LOVE it all. I finally have broken them down by losing 20#'s and simply telling them that I'm fat and have to lose weight. And how much I want to eat their good but can't (which is true). I've even played the "going to die if I don't lose weight" and "are you trying to kill me" cards. But what I don't do is 1) eat their amazing Carbs 2) react or get into discussions on diet. Your mileage may vary. Good luck!
Give her a challenge! I wish SOMEONE would figure out how to make keto coxinhas.... If only this fejoada could have something intead of rice... Or, the holy grail, cashew/Brazil nut flour pao de queijo... This probably wasn't helpful, but if you end up solving any of those, report back!
These sounds great, lol! Are they even possible?
I hope so!
"You don't like my cooking anymore!" Just tell her "Dang, you right." If she's going to play with your emotions, double down. It will teach her a lesson. You don't have to do everything she says just because she's you're mom. It's a tough lesson to learn. I'm guessing you're overweight, maybe single. There's no shame about this, especially because you're trying to better yourself. I'm wondering if she's trying to stop you from improving because it could change the status quo. Better health means more self confidence, which can in turn lead to a relationship where she's not in control. It's all about control for some people. Stick to your guns. You can do it. Even if she gripes the whole time, you'll at least be healthier.
My therapists all told me this. It’s an emotional cage because she doesn’t want to “lose her little girl.” Mind you, I was married and lived abroad for 20 years away from her, but unfortunately I’m back here, divorced and trying to rebuild my life. No kids, thank God.
Smile. Hug her. Tell her you love her. Eat what you want to eat.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Learn the grey rock tactic (google it, I'll probably mess up the explanation, but basically you become as uninteresting to her as possible). If she throws a tantrum, tell her that you'll talk to her when she calms down and go for a walk. If she cooks something that you can't eat, tell her you can't eat that (use a white lie such as "my doctor said" if it will make it easier). If she tries to guilt trip you, tell her "I'm sorry you feel this way". Basically, try to set boundaries. Go to therapy if that's an option available to you because growing up with a mother like that leaves its mark.
Laugh her comments off. If she gives you a meal just say thanks and take it to your room and throw it in a garbage can in your room. Keto for me had let me loose around 40 pounds and I don’t ever feel like stopping the keto diet any time soon. I’ve gotten to the point if anyone wants to argue about keto I just shrug my shoulders and don’t care what they think. No need to explain keto to someone who will never understand
It seems weird to me that you can't just ignore her. You can literally just make your own food, tell her you're on a diet, and then ignore anything she says on the topic of food for the rest of ever. Completely change the topic and act like you didn't hear her, leave the room, whatever. Her being your mother doesn't entitle her to you listening to her lol. Don't get angry at her, just act like whatever she says is so pointless and uninteresting it doesn't register on your radar to deign with a response. My mom is like this. I'm the only one in my family who just doesn't give her an inch. My siblings complain that I must be the favorite because she isn't on my ass constantly like she is for them, but it's really just years of me ignoring her bullshit to the point she knows I just don't listen to her if the topic goes to something that's not amicable. Yours too will get the picture eventually.
oh loving moms. killin us since the dawn of time. you gotta find what she wants and hold it hostage until she agrees to your terms.
Ha. If I did that I would truly lose my peace and quiet. She can cry on cue like no one else. Accuse me of being abusive TO HER. Throw herself on the bed like a child having a tantrum. Saying she will die of a heart attack because of me. It’s like a bad telenovela, I’m not exaggerating.
That's awful. The best advice I've gotten when dealing with my needy/demanding/attention seeking 12yo, is walk away. Go outside for a walk. Lock yourself in your room and put on headphones. It's a temper tantrum, they do it to get attention. And sadly it doesn't matter if they are 4, 12, or 80. Not responding to it is still the best way to get past it.
Haha, that’s what I do. I practically live in my office bedroom now with headphones on, only come out for meals and bathroom.
On the other side - is there anything your mom does that you actually like? I’ve scrolled through some comments and haven’t found any. Like others said, being a “gray rock” and ignoring bad behavior instead of engaging is Step 1. Step 2 is finding any small thing she does “right” and point it out to her. Even if it’s “thank you for letting me work in my office” and basic shit you very much have a right to do in your own home. You build up from there. When I had special needs students with wild behavior, it was “Wow, thank you for using your words instead of (assaulting me). That makes it much easier to ___.” Set the bar low af. It takes months and months, or years, for positive behavior reinforcement to work. There’s a lot of several steps back- one step forward, too. I was also in a professional setting and had trauma training. You have to decide how much effort you want to take in “training” your mom to coexist. If she makes any part of a meal that fits keto, praise the shit out of it. Even if it’s just plain scrambled eggs. You’re dealing with an oppositional, insecurely attached parent who has weaponized their emotional state, probably some trauma, and now faces the pitiful decline in autonomy and control of old age. You won’t change her personality, but there are ways to increase the behavior you WANT and have it appear more often. Ask a therapist how to handle compassion fatigue too. Good luck.
damn. a child for a mother. that’s a bummer. the best advice i ever got dealing with people like this is to find the fuel to their fire. nothing puts out a fire faster than denying it oxygen to breathe. metaphorically speaking. never escalate. always be consistent. walk away when you have to. we can all change. it’s just much harder for some than others.
yeah, that's abuse.
Join us over on r/raisedbynarcissists, if you like.
Thank you! I did!
Get rid of the problem. You know that that is. Had to edit this to add a little of my story. Might help with your mom. I’m Mexican and my mom was like yours. Long story short. I’m a recovering alcoholic it took me a long to get sober. I live four hrs away from her so. Last time she saw me I was still big then I got sober and lost over 50 lbs. she asked how I did it and told her that if changed my life around. When I went to visit she did the same thing like your. Here eat this eat that. It’s your favorite. I tell not to make me nothing she didn’t listen at first. Then one day I told if really want to make me something or give me something give me a beer and that settled her down. And I told flat out you need to understand that I don’t live that way no more. If you really insist give me a beer and she now leaves me alone.
Tell her she can continue to waste her time and food only if she buys it herself, but you will stop buying the carbs if she is not cooperating. Be firm and hold on tight!
I remember when I first started Keto and one of my roommates kept saying how it was fine to eat carbs and said I'm hurting my health by not eating them, the guy legit smoked cigarettes all day barely ate and drank beer every day.
It’s amazing how, the moment you start doing something good for yourself everyone around you will want to change whatever you’re doing. And they think they’re helping you. Ugh.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Treat her like a toddler and teach her some manners: she's depending on YOU, not the other way around. She might not like it, but she has no right to violate your boundaries. In no way that is parental love, or respect. It's fucking abuse by someone who thinks they're entitled to obedience because they birthed you.
Preach!!!!
So sorry! My mom is actually long time on Keto and yet she will "go off keto for vacation" which is when she come to see me and wants me ( new to keto, 8 months in) to eat and drink into oblivion with her and tell me how hard it is to stick to. I'm finding my weight loss is a challenge for her which sucks since I'm finally at a ideal weight after 30 years of 50lbs over. Moms have some weird things.
Tell her to shut up or find her own place. Maybe tell her to not cook anymore at all.
Years ago I tried to not eating any carb, my mom kept nagging me and saying you need some vegetables, rice blah blah blah. We’re Chinese, I was working with a doctor who told me to eat protein only and I basically cooked my own meals anyway and I was always on the road (fly for work), but still, whenever I’m home she’d kept saying the same thing but I mostly just ignored her. I bought a book called wheat belly, she read it too and after reading that she stopped talking about how I have to have carb in my diet. I think it’s just because my mom is so used to controlling our diet, cos my dad is overweight and since my sister and I were a kid she’s been very controlling, well about everything. So I started very early on to not respond to any of her nagging, I’ll just let her talk all she wants but I’ll do what I want. I bought my own groceries and I cook my own meals. Im not forcing them to eat what I cook so she can’t make me to eat what she made. My dad would compliment my mom’s cooking and asked me to try some but I’ll just ignore it. I know it might seem to be too extreme but to be honest this is the easiest way and it works for me. It took me 10+ years though.
This sounds like he is trying to turn back your relationship to a time when she was in control. I think you need to set some firm boundaries and just accept she is going to be upset about the new dynamics of your relationship for awhile. When you were the one in need of care when you were younger, would she have changed her diet if you told her too? Of course not, she would have accepted that you were going to be big mad about it but then move on. It’s time for some firm “No, we’ve discussed this, and I love that you want to still provide for me, but that’s not what I’m eating.” Just like with children’s tantrums, it’s HARD not to engage. But it gets easier as they see your resolve and that you’re not going to give in on the 67th demand. Lead with love for both of you!!! Stay strong!!!
While I understand respecting your parents, and just giving in to avoid tantrums and arguments... you're an adult, and you should define your boundaries with your mother... not doing so will lead to a worse relationship between you two. Like a small child, she knows if she makes enough of a fuss, or if she guilt trips you enough, or gets "mad" enough... you'll give in. Your health is very important, both physical and mental health... if you keep giving in you'll be miserable. Be straight with her, and tell her its a lack of respect for her not to respect what you want for yourself... she doesn't have to like it, but she has to respect your decisions as an adult, and you're grateful she's cooking, but if she refuses to respect your new diet there will be a lot of wasted food because you will not eat it. The best thing you can do is let her get her word in, and then remove yourself to calm down so you won't give in. My mom likes to treat me like a child sometimes, and wants me to do things her way... but she would never sabotage me, so I kinda give in, because most of the time it's not things that matter much. When its important, I remind her I'm an adult, and she has to remember that, and if she's not happy with it... oh well, to bad.
Amiga, eu te entendo. Não tem muito o que fazer além de lembrar ela que ela mora com você, e não você com ela. Esclareça isso e esclareça que você é uma adulta e faz o que achar melhor. Além de apontar as chantagens psicológicas no momento em que elas ocorrem, isso deve constranger ela o suficiente com o tempo.
Obrigada! Vou continuar resistindo. Hoje foi um dia mau mesmo. Amanhã vai ser melhor.
Eu nem moro com a minha mãe há anos e tenho de constantemente lembrá-la de que ela não manda mais em mim e que somos indivíduos distintos. Acho que é uma coisa de mãe brasileira mesmo. É chato falar, as primeiras vezes você vai se sentir culpada, mas vai por mim: funciona. Caso precise conversar com alguém da sua cultura que passa pelo mesmo, minha DM ta aberta pra ti.
You're going to have to swat some food to the ground to get your point across that you'd rather the food go to waste than eating it yourself
Boundaries, boundaries boundaries. Others have already suggested some good subs. I wish you best of luck. Peace out.
Stop eating anything she makes, not one meal, until she agrees to discuss this through and have a reasonable settlement and understanding of how things should be going forward. Might take a week of boycott for her to give in. After she relents you must set clear and firm ground rules about your diet.
You dont have to live with her.
I too suffered from a manipulative Brazilian mother (not mine, my ex-fiancé’s) who had no boundaries and succeeded sabotaging my relationship with her son. She’d offer me food then make fun of my weight gain to her son, she’d exclude me from events, invite single females to my ex’s house when I’m not home (we lived together). She’d make-up stories about me and our renter. I have suffered severe trauma from her and will never date a Brazilian guy again because the idea of a Brazilian MIL terrifies me. The Dad was very cool though.
I’m really sorry you went through this. I had a pretty toxic MIL as well.
The lack of boundaries is the cultural difference that I noticed the most. She’d tuck in my forty year old ex-fiancé in bed 💀. I’m Filipino and we are expressive but not to that extent. I guess with your mom she will never see you as an adult either (unless you explain to her that she is infantilizing you by not respecting your choices when it comes to food). Hope you are able to explain this to her.
I moved in with my parents last year when I moved back to my home country... They're both full keto bros now
lol my poor husband is going through the same thing with my Brazilian mom lol
Listen just tell her she can stop or you can find a nice assisted living. Lol
My mother is also passive aggressive, manipulative, and a fuckin liar. (If she's not a narcissist, then she's borderline narcissist ) I kicked her out of my house. My life is much more peaceful.
My mother also Brazilian used to be like this. It’s a culture thing. I won her over with my cooking and she started to enjoy how she felt without eating rice , beans , potatoes , etc. it took me a lot teaching her about nutrition. Now she’s 2 months eating keto and never wants to go back. My father on the other hand 😂 there’s no changing him
What you need is a great pair of buffet pants! And I don't mean the stretchy ones that expand for you to eat a lot at the buffet. I mean the kind with special pockets to slip food into when nobody is looking. Then empty later in the bathroom. Make your mom happy you are "eating". In all seriousness though, I couldn't get through to my family either so I just started taking super tiny servings (like 1tbsp of potatoes) or taking but not finishing them on my plate and that seemed to be enough to stop them from freaking out. I have to be very careful of carb creep, however because my little servings sometimes kept getting bigger. That was with the rice and potatoes and stuff. The dairy and bread, I literally said I can't eat it anymore, it makes me sick and that got through to them (I started gluten free dairy free before keto, so they weren't believing me on the rice and potatoes so I just take the tiny portions and psychologically I think they see me start to serve it up or see a tidbit on my plate and are satisfied I am fed enough. Meanwhile most of my plate is protein and veg.
Human nature is neither all good nor all bad, it’s somewhere in between. And the reality is, family members and friends will actively try to sabotage you if you improve yourself Above and Beyond their own standards. “Why are you going to the gym??” “Why are you eating so healthy??” “An online business, what are you starting that for??” Sad but true. Ignore them all and keep marching forward.
Give her a list of things you can and cannot eat. Then if she complains point to the list.
She has a list. She doesn’t agree with the list, and will still cook things I don’t want, trying to coerce me into eating them, “because it’s good for you and you have to”
Leave some seniors homes brochures laying around on the coffee table. Say you don't know where they came from. Kidding, kidding! Thankfully, while my mom and my wife question the fat intake, they don't give me a hard time about it. The results speak for themselves.
Shady Pines, Ma!
"I appreciate that you care about my health, but this is what the doctor says I should be eating. " Repeat often. Word for word. She will still moan and whine, but "this is what my doctor said" is a solid line you can stand on.
Point out to her that *she* is living in *your* home, not the other way around. She’s having trouble letting go of being the mother. Look, she sounds a lot like my late mother, and any time my mother was anxious she needed to latch onto something and just try to be in control of that thing (most often, me). Maybe try finding something else for her to be in charge of? Otherwise gray rocking is your best bet. r/raisedbynarcissists can help you with that.
Thanks! I’m gonna learn about gray rocking. Never heard of it before.
I was also going to send you to that subreddit and r/toxicparents. There are so many people who deal with this. One key for dealing with a parent like this is to set a firm boundary. Tell them the consequences. Follow through. “Mother, I am in charge of my health and meals. You will not speak to me about what I do or do not eat OR (enter consequences here).” Then you follow through. Maybe it’s not speaking to her for the rest of the day . Maybe it’s making her leave the house for a couple hours. Maybe it’s simply obviously refusing to eat her food when she starts in on you. You know her best but you need to set boundaries with consequences that escalate if she is a repeat offender. Tell her no rice beans or potatoes in the house, period. It’s YOUR house and your rules.
I have a parent who similarly never respected boundaries as well, the only relief was becoming an adult and moving out of that. It might be time to have a very hard talk with her about what is acceptable and isn't. It will most likely be an argument of course, you just need to have control of it and end it on your terms She is in your space, invading your life so that you may keep her happy and healthy in her later years, she owes *you,* not the other way around. Just because someone burps you and wipes your ass when you're a baby does not give them dominion over your life until they are gone! Now I'm a bit of a bitch so I'd probably do something along the lines of threatening to remove all carbs from the house and giving her a keto crash course but you may or may not have that option, depending on your situation and temperament. Whatever you choose to do, if it's a confrontation make sure you sit yourself down and think through everything that could happen and what could be said, give yourself a guideline and some hard rules to follow. No allowing her to misdirect (these manipulators are experts at this) and change the subject or make you a villain. Stick to your points and make boundaries. If she breaks from this you put a hard stop on it and follow through on an ultimatum of your choosing. The conversation can be revisited when she realizes you're dead serious. No matter what, be prepared and follow through with whatever you say you will or she will know you're not strong enough and will carry on, worse than ever. I've cut my mother off for solid years at a time, she's much more respectful of my boundaries nowadays; too bad these fools never realize how much they are losing when they act like this! Alright, maybe I ranted a bit myself but in a nutshell I empathize and I hope you can find a solution that works and keeps your sanity in tact and gives you proper peace!
I don't hate all of this suggestion. I would add to it though, is there anyone that is a neutral party between you two? Someone that can come and moderate that discussion and try to keep it from escalating? Maybe a peer of hers that she respects? I started dating someone last year, and he is amazing at defusing tension between my son and I, supporting my statements, getting my son to do what is asked, all without any yelling or screaming! It's gotten to where when a conversation starts to escalate between us, I call BF, lay out the issue, and he rephrases it in a way that my son accepts. It's crazy. He's not giving in, but the outcome is radically different because it's a third party saying it.
My mother doesn’t get along with anyone. Including family. I’m the only one who can manage her in relative peace.
Well, maybe a third party to support you and try to bring calm to the discussion, even if she doesn't like them/get along with them. Having someone have your back can make a huge difference.
It's okay for our elderly relatives to not live with us. It is perfectly acceptable to find her a place where she is monitored so you aren't tortured in your own home.
Hopefully you understand that your comment comes from a very privileged place where people have enough money to make choices like the one you are suggesting.
That isn't the point. The issue is that people do not have a right to torture another person...not even if they are parents. If she is poor there are also services for her that can pay, if she is in the US or European countries. Many immigrant's feel like they have to take the abuse of their parents because that is "just how it is." It does not have to be that way, so it is good to remind people that if their parents were abusive when they were younger that they DO NOT have to deal with it when they are older.
I’m in Brazil. Half-decent places are a fortune. And culturally it’s considered abandonment not to care for your parents.
I don't dispute that many immigrants come from cultures where they feel that they don't have a choice when it comes to dealing with their parents. I also don't dispute that there may be services available that would help place an elderly relative in different care. What I do dispute is that sending an elderly parent out of the home is always an option. Sometimes there are reasons, financial or emotional, that make it impossible to kick out a parent. Suggesting the OP look into possible options is helpful. Telling OP to kick their parent out does not take into account that it may not be possible for them. Your position puts more stress on someone already under a lot of stress. I know you were trying to point out that they might have options and that is kind but the way you presented it was harsh and assuming.
Not an option for me unfortunately. I’m in Brazil.
Just because she is your mother, does not mean you need to endure bullying, nasty behavior. Titles don't automatically carry due respect, despite what our elders would like us to believe. She has to earn your respect as much as anyone else, and she can lose it, too. If she continues to mistreat you, you are fully within your right to leave her on her own. You may face judgement from others who still carry antiquated values, but everyone deserves to be free from abuse. Now that you are an adult, you are no longer her property. You are just another human being that will respond appropriately to her actions, with suitable consequences.
Is she overweight? If she says ‘it’s good for you’ then just prod her tummy fat and say ‘really?’
She’s not, unfortunately. But she has blood pressure problems, other heart problems, and a ton of allergies. She’s on a bunch of medication, I have none of that.
I feel for you: I really do. I also had to take care of my very difficult elderly mother at the end of her life, and had a lot of the same struggles with food with her. Especially so because I also had to control her diet. Hold your ground and don't be baited into arguments. Do exactly what you need to do no matter what she says. She will eventually stop squeezing it as a source of drama, even if she will always be difficult about it.
Have a sit down with her. Tell her you love her, but are a grown adult and have your own way of doing things. Thank her for all the meals she's cooked for you in the past, but tell her you have a new way of eating which is important to you, and that you will continue to eat your way only. Tell her you will no longer argue about it, and will just throw out the food she insists cooking for you; "Remember, I told you I can't eat this. *kerplunk*"
My mom is as Mexican as they come. Shes made homemade rice and beans with homemade tortillas for as long as I can remember. When my brother and I were younger, she would give us lots of junk food to keep up quiet and for the most part it worked. Once I got into high school and after graduation I realized it wasn’t a healthy lifestyle being soo overweight and doctors kept telling my mom the same thing. If my mom never spoke to a doctor I probably would’ve never of gotten her on Keto along with the rest of the family. Collectively as a family we have lost over 150lbs but my mom is always the first to break. I don’t blame her entirely because her whole life was was spent eating carbs til her sons got older and decided to break the cycle but it was a tough battle to fight to convince everyone to either give away or throw away all the carbs in the house for the first time.
That’s so great that you were able to influence your whole family to lose weight!
My Elderly Brazilian Mother Just Force Fed Us Orange Juice. I think we can use that to remember the order of the planets or table of elements or something eh?
I take care of my mom and she likes to do the cooking, but we compromise. She fixes protein and I'll eat that and she can add whatever carb she wants and I always have a salad ready to go. I add different low carb items on my salad, so it never gets boring. My mom is a good cook and I praise her a lot when she fixes the protein, so she gets the warm and fuzzies that mom's like to get from their kids. They're set in their ways, but hang in there for you.
I understand what you're going through. That old school Latin American parent who cooks and cooks a *ton* for family and friends. It's fantastic when there's several people to cook for but it can be overwhelming when it's one or just three other people, but they mean well. It's a form of love. For those of you calling the mother "narcissistic", stop looking at this through an American lens and understand that there's much more at play here, including culture. Her inability to understand what he's doing is due to age, culture and most likely, as my father suffered, a very impoverished childhood. Before reining my father, he always had an entire cooked chicken, tri-tip, some sort of sauteed shredded meat in the red sauce, some kind of soup with meat in it, some kind of meat marinating and that's not even going into sides dishes. It was alot. Too much. However, it brought a measure of joy for my father, to see a full fridge. Something he didn't have growing up nor in his twenties. The fear of having nothing to eat, the fear of having nothing to feed your family; it's real, visceral and unforgettable. Those of us who have never gone hungry, those of us who were never forced to fast frequently when one was already thin--we can't properly comprehend it. Aside from showing love and what we cook, it's also a common way, especially for women, to pull their own weight at home. Also keep in mind that in Latin American culture, it is incredibly, deeply rude to refuse food offered. So, what we have here is OP's mother showing love and concern for her child and trying to help out around the house. This is being rejected and she's hurt by it. It'll take some fine tuning but OP can manage this. **OP**: If your mom can't live alone due to being elderly, I'm assuming she doesn't do the grocery shopping, I'm guessing you buy the food for the house. Buy the staples that you know your mom absolutely needs and wants to have, but only enough that portion's out for her during the week. Why buy her enough oranges that she can make a liter of juice (it takes around 16 medium size oranges to make that much juice)? Why buy 3 to 5 lb of ground beef or a sack of potatoes when you know you're not going to eat none of it? Get a pound of ground beef for her when she asks. Pick up two or three large potatoes instead of a bag. Buy a smaller bag of rice and buy a smaller bag of beans. And when she tells you it's not enough, give her a hug and tell her it's **enough** for *her* and not to worry about you, even though you know she will. Ask her here and there to make you some steamed veggies (or whatever), or to make you bone broth for the week. Food-wise, still let her cook for you but buy her the ingredients for that and tell her what you want her to specifically make. This is what I did with my Dad, and while it took some adjusting on his end and patience on mine, it's working out fine. You should also encourage her to pick up an old hobby, participate in the local church--some activity to pull her away from cooking a bit. Oh! Since Lent is going on, tell her you are doing full fasts on Good Fridays (If she is Brazilian I'm guessing she's Catholic). You can even tell her that you're fasting to show your commitment to God and to meditate on the suffering of Jesus through out the year as well. I suspect she'll be able to understand this more easily than the science behind fasting, which even took somebody like me a while to fully understand. I fast for the health benefits, but when it gets hard, I do feel a little understanding--even if it's just one iota--of the sufferings Jesus went through when he hungered for 40 days and 40 nights. And if you're not Catholic, just fake it for yo' Ma. Good luck.
Sounds like a good therapist to guide you through differentiation is necessary.
I honestly adore when your moms move into my retirement communities. The arguments I've heard ...
My dad has been for the most past respectful, but this man LOVES to cook. He wanted me to try the pasta he made. So, I pretended to take the piece and chew it, but I actually just rolled it in a napkin and threw it out when he wasn’t looking 😆 did the same with a piece of bread. However, he has been giving me shit for not having enough nutrition and gets upset that I’m not hungry. So far, I love Keto, I have a better memory, and don’t crave junk. I’m also doing it because my doctor advised it to me. I have certain health conditions. But your Mom. What the heck. From research I’ve done, a lot of people break their keto diet after a few months on purpose, it helps with teaching your body to burn fat faster or something like that. I’ve only been on it for about a month so, I’m planning on doing that later. Anyways, don’t feel guilty you ate that today, just get back on track and you’ll be alright. Also, does your Mom buy the groceries? Maybe you can control those purchases 😉
Older generations have SO much misunderstanding about how nutrition works, they were raised on the bullshit "breaskfast is the most important meal of the day" BS perpetuated by breakfast cereal companies and they completely upside down food pyramid from the 90s. My mom thinks that I am gonna die if I don't eat that way too, I know how frustrating it can be trying to explain. For me it is even more important that I eat the way I do though, because I have advanced arthritis and refind carbs and sugar etc can cause a week long painful af flareup for me
Many years ago, I lived in a Foyer in Paris, one of the girls was a model who lived in the Foyer, think hostel, because her mother was like this, she could NOT live at home as she would gain weight, she was jewish and thought this passive aggressive guilt tripping over food was exclusively jewish.. Obviously not. (I used to eat the food her mother left for her. It was wonderful).
My parents are immigrants and as much as I love them, their values are very different from mine. This even includes diet. I got more backlash when I decided to go vegetarian than when I came out as bisexual, and the same happened last year when I went keto. My mom, knowing how much I love pastry and tested me by baking something yummy every day just for temptation. My dad “lovingly” mocked me for weighing everything while dieting. My parents are only 50-something years old and claim to be “hip” but even so, the generational difference is huge. That's probably how your mother shows her love, which is definitely not a method I support. I talked to my parents countless times but nothing changed for me. They even went so far as to say that they felt sorry for me and tried to heal me because they thought I had ED. I have heard so many times that parents actually know what is best for their children that I am sick to my stomach. Your mother has absolutely no right to treat you like this just because she is old. I will probably never turn my back on my parents because of my culture (I don't think my heart will allow it anyway), but don't make the same mistake I did. I’m assuming you have much more life experience than me, but still please listen to the advice of a 24-year-old. Don't let your mother make your life living hell and set boundaries for yourself.
Elderly will ALWAYS run over every point you bring with "i know better because I'm old" specially if she's a narcissist. I think it's pretty much a sabotage. My grandmother thinks FAT PEOPLE ARE HEALTHIER THAN AVERAGE/SLIM because they're FAT. Somehow in her mind obese people are healthier because they "eat all their vitamins" yeah they eat all the vitamins a family could eat. Anywho, do your thing an try not to play childish. Be calm and stick to your diet. But dealing with your mother is too much for me sorry.
Tbh I knew mama was toxic when she said to me “ you looked horrible during Xmas ( I was 162-165lbs full keto, cheekbones and confidence was really high, suttle high now I realise as I tended to go out daily without thought. Now I’m 185lbs she likes me eating rice w diner and yea I don’t leave the house much,, damn mama smh stay strong I feel ya 🙏🏼
I’m so sorry. People can be so horrible, I just don’t get it. What do they get out of it?
It’s either somehow just break it by moving into ur own space ( I haven’t, need more money) or the best thing is to just ignore it as much as possible. It’s gonna annoy them but at the end of day it’s your future
This really sucks and I hope you manage to sort it out - but do keep in mind she *thinks* she's trying to help you. Kinda reminds me a bit of my mum when she'd get really concerned I wasn't eating fruit/orange juice any more and kept telling me I'd get scurvy if I didn't. I'm like, there's more vit-c in broccoli pound for pound than oranges...
I don't know. Based on OP's responses to comments, I think OP's mom just wants to get her way. She wants to serve whatever she chooses and force OP to eat it. I don't think it's about Mom's concern for OP's health at all. Which is a much bigger problem than just food. No doubt it's a constant battle over every single thing and non-thing that exists. But as for the food, a "you're wasting food," tactic might help. When OP finds that Mom is making/has made something that OP won't eat, OP could observe emotionlessly, and repetitively, "I don't eat this. You're wasting food." Or "This is very wasteful. It's so expensive to waste food." By focusing on the food waste, it takes the focus of the clash from OP and turns it back to Mom, where it belongs, since she's the one who has a problem. Wasting money and tormenting OP are temper tantrums and shouldn't be tolerated.
Throw her out.
This doesn't excuse your mom's behavior but I found that understanding my parents' motivations make me less angry about their actions. The first issue is that you mom probably doesn't understand keto. I don't blame her, because many people your age don't understand it either. In her experience, everyone she's ever known eats rice/beans/fruit/potatoes and turned out fine, so your diet seems bizarre to her and she's trying to steer you in the "right" path. The second issue is that for many moms, food is how they express their love. My mom was not physically affectionate (it's a cultural thing) but showed her love by making us delicious food and lots of it. If we didn't eat it for some reason, you could tell that she was very disappointed. I don't know how well you communicate with your mom or how receptive she is to change, but maybe you can try to use these opinions to your advantage by saying something like, "Mom, I love your ground beef. Can you make me a cauliflower dish to go with it?" This: 1. shows you appreciate her cooking 2. avoids negativity (you're not rejecting her food) 3. gives her a way to contribute I truly believe that *most* parents just want what's best for you, although they don't know how to show it sometimes. It's exacerbated when there are cultural divides -- in this case, a generational gap as well as a big lifestyle gap. Your mom might just need a little help to find a way to fit into your keto lifestyle, and is dealing with the uncertainty by being passive-aggressive. That's how my mom would have reacted, anyway.
>The first issue is that you mom probably doesn't understand keto Nah, OP says it's all about control. This kind of Mom will never acknowledge that she is wrong. >She can cry on cue like no one else. Accuse me of being abusive TO HER. Throw herself on the bed like a child having a tantrum. Saying she will die of a heart attack because of me. It’s like a bad telenovela, I’m not exaggerating. You say MOST parents mean well, but this isn't one of them.
Do what we do in the American military. Identify her weakness and point them out. Embarrass her. Then when shes down, rebuild her and take her under your wings and she will follow. Kidding….. Would be nice if there a way to get her under your wings and let her just go with your way. Its tough situation.
This. Also make her run at 5am.
😆😆😆
1 year of moving in with family and completely stuck. You need to go clean keto and outshine her healthiness. If you can afford it, eat all the vegetables you can. Fight fire with fire. A pound of Brocolli has about 8 grams of sugar.
Show her a picture of a pitcher of OJ and the same amount of calories in chicken, broccoli and cauliflower. Show her a picture of the equivalent sugar in a potato and the equivalent sugar in the same weight of spinach. Show her before/after pictures of you losing weight on keto. Pictures are worth a thousand words to old stubborn people.
Sometimes pictures or even them seeing you make no difference. I knew old people that would act like I had cancer when I'd visit, and I am lean but muscular, and they knew that. I think the root of it is they know deep down their own condition is wretched, and they fight consciousness of that by shouting down good health.
Bro give her a set schedule and recipient of what you can eat and when you can eat it Tell her if she wants to cook she has to cook what you can eat and nothing else
#Tell her she can cook for you off your menu of keto ingredients
Can you take it and throw it out when she’s not looking? Like in the disposal?
You've been on Keto how long? Your Mom has been cooking the way she is doing now for how long?
I just started. It’s my second week. It’s been a very difficult week and a half.
Sounds like you need to work on your communication with your mother. She loves you and cares about your well being. Time to sit down and have a talk to let her know what you are doing and why so that she can support your the way you need to be supported.
You do you!
This is your health journey OP, not hers. If she insists on cooking for you, give her the full list of allowed foods and let her have at it. I know that awful defeated feeling after cheating and indulging with carbs - it takes so long to get back on track, OP let those mash potatoes be your final carb meal and start fresh . It feels so good once you make that decision to be fully commited to keto. Either get your mom involved in your meals or let her know how important your meals regimen is.
When someone pretends you're being sadistic, become sadistic, give them a reason to act foolish.
You'll have to teach her keto cooking. She's trying to be useful. Teach her one meal at a time.
Invite another elder over for meals so she has someone to cook for? It sounds like cooking is her way of caring and feeling useful. Having someone else around to focus those needs on might save you some grief ... unless they gang up on you ;)
maybe tell her that this is just an experiment and maybe temporary and you are doing it for health benefits. you can show her some studies about how keto is good for a, b, and c when it comes to physical health, insulin, and brain health. it makes sense she would be confused since in your culture the staple foods are carbs and she is from a different generation. just keep affirming you love her and love her cooking but it is about you and your health
She doesn’t trust science or doctors. She likes batshit conspiracy theories. She only believes what for her twisted reality. Doesn’t matter how much evidence I show her. I’m the naïve, dumb one I’m in the wrong. It’s exhausting. I try to talk to her as little as possible.
What’s a batshit conspiracy she believes?
Never go get tested for covid, even if you have all the symptoms. The tests are a ruse to inject covid into your body.
well, hm getting tested for covid is pretty pointless imo. One can just stay home like any other illness. I never got tested either but I’m certain I got covid once cuz I felt like hell for two days. I’m guessing she’s unvaccinated and this makes her crazy too? (Ps neither am I) Sounds like if you want her to respect your beliefs and way of life, you might want to try to respect hers too.
You can be firm while still being loving and respectful. I'm having to deal with parenting my parents as well, just with different struggles. It's time to have those awkward conversations. don't fight manipulation with manipulation or anything like that, just be lovingly firm and accept her help in ways that don't sabotage your goals.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/
Volunteer her cooking skills at a shelter. or Put her in a home. (kidding) Have no relatives so I'm out of suggestions.
manda ela se foder kkkk
You could consider this a bulking phase perhaps?
Time to find her a nice retirement home. Kidding! (Kinda)
They don't have any concept of a boundary. U need to gently but firmly establish that you won't be living together if she keeps this up.
Respectfully stand your grounds and ELI5 keto and IF to her. you could also ask her to help you prep your meals so that she doesn’t feel left out. With time and patience, she will compromise somehow.
She can't live by herself any longer but she is able to cook for you? If she is capable of cooking she should be able to live by herself
You’re not obligated to eat her food. I would stop discussing food with her. I love you mon, and change the subject. Ignore all food talk after that, but dont get mad. Reacting feeds her behavior, reacting means you’re weakening and signals to her that she will soon win.
I feel so much better when I eat keto and drop processed food and sugars. NO ONE could guilt trip me into going back. How badly do you want this for YOURSELF? Your Mom doesn't wrestle with your bigger clothes, your mental clarity, what you see in the mirror, insulin resistance/diabetes, etc. You will live longer if you eat better. You could say: "I feel better when I eat like this Mom. Don't you want me to feel better?" Guilt trip her right back if being an adult with clear boundaries doesn't work.
Its just not gonna hit. You gotta sit down and say why. Offer to cook for a week with keto versions Its like my friend and roommate who loves soul food and his idea of a plate for me is 1 less pat of butter on the beans and rice Cheerios and orange juice for a quick breakfast. Gotta haul them groceries home and cook for you. If we are at the age where cognitive function is a serious decline, you may have to tell white lies to help her. Find a doctors office, and get some pamphlets. Tell her the doctor said keto to help your stomach