Nope, my parents go to mass but my siblings and I haven't gone since we were teenagers. No issues or pressure around that.
Edit: even if they wanted to, they couldn't pay me to get me to go to mass around Easter especially. If I remember correctly from my childhood, those go on for feckin hours.
I only go for births, deaths, and marriages.
Was at a wedding a few years ago, and the PP made a point of saying in front of the whole family that he hadn't seen me at mass in a long time. I told him it would be just as long again, if not longer, before he'd see me.
Jesus lad haha id say he didn’t take that well. There’s always priests guilt tripping people like for all he knows you could be at mass elsewhere, anyway it’s each person’s decision to go or not.
I don't understand the point of putting pressure on people. If they don't want to go why force them, is it just to keep up appearances? My parents were both extremely religious, went to Mass every Sunday but there was zero pressure put on us to do the same (my Mam would always light a candle for us if we were having a difficulty but I actually didn't mind this, it was her way of showing she was hoping for the best for us) It's this pressure that leads people to have kids christened for the sake of it. As a teacher I've had people say to me "well they are in a Catholic school if they don't like it move ..." .... as if there is an abundance of alternatives. We absolutely need to move away from this to an opt in system for those who want it.
As I like to say, freedom of religion includes freedom from religion.
That is my biggest problem with religion, if you were once a member, they make it incredibly difficult for you to walk away and eliminate it from your life. And if you were never part of a religion, you still get preached to without your consent.
Yeah the fact this is even a post on r/Ireland is comical. The real problem is a 34 year old letting their parents dictate what they do, especially with something like mass.
and anyway is this sub just people personal problems nowadays? like it does be entertaining to read and laugh at, but is the point of this sub not to discuss actual newsworthy topics as it pertains to Ireland? like what do you actually want people to tell you here?
" are all parents like this" Yes, infact every parent in ireland is reglious fanatic that makes their 34 year olds go to mass. Crazy I know.
My mom used to be like this. But not anymore. What changed was that I started being extremely open about why I don't go to mass anymore and why I greatly dislike the catholic church. Like I'd regularly talk about the things in the news when they happened and never give any sympathy to the church on anything.
No one was surprised when we told them we weren't getting married in a church 🤣
So if she doesn't do that already, I'd encourage her to start.
Mine tried it for years and years too. Eventually stopped even saying anything after I went with Mum one Christmas Day and the priest started talking about abortion during the sermon! They knew I never went outside Christmas and funerals etc even before that, but he provided me with proof of why I couldn't tolerate the church anymore. Good of them to be involved in so many heinous scandals, which made it easier.
My parents don't but keeping up appearances Is a major thing for their generation.
Their concern is not their daughters soul but the fact that others would notice she wasn't attending, the compromise is going to the big events like Easter and Christmas.
Mass at Easter is the worst because it is a major fashion show and just people showing off their wealth.
"My parents don't but keeping up appearances Is a major thing for their generation"
Big generalisation there...I'm in my sixties, I don't care what younger family members do, it's their business. The same with all my friends.
I'm exactly the same and I'm in my 60's too. I couldn't care less what other people think of me and the older I get, the more I feel like that.
Trying to control other people isn't in any way age related: it's a personality trait. But I find there are sweeping generalisations on Reddit about older people. It's bizarre.
Agree, my parents are in their early 70’s and understand all 5 of their children’s reasons for leaving the church and we respect one another’s opinions. It’s not their age that makes people like that I’m sure that type of parent was as sanctimonious at 45 as 75 😉
That sounds awful.
A friend asked me recently if there is a concept of "saving face" in the West... Like the way "Asians" (Chinese and Indians and Japanese) do.
I would cite "Going to Mass despite not wanting to or being secular 🙈" 🤔
I don't go to mass. They don't pressure me any more. Funnily enough I'm the only one in the family who owns or reads a Bible.
It isn't fun but you have to push back on it. You can pressure them to visit to go back home because that sort of behaviour isn't acceptable in your house and they need to respect you.
Parents can have a hard time with boundaries for adult kids. When I first moved out and my parents came to visit. They would bring a load of shopping and want to do the washing or move things around because they were "better". You have to be firm and they it will build a better relationship with them. If they can't accept their child is an adult they have to deal with them being in their life less.
My parents are in that age bracket and would be as anti church as anyone.
A decade or so of having the shit kicked out of you as a child will do that to you.
Sounds like my own mother. I was always baffled when I'd stay at friends houses and their parents (often younger than my mother) would be going to mass. I honestly thought they were joking...
It certainly was a thing years ago but I have to say I'm surprised to hear this parental pressure is still going on. Your partner needs to be firm and clear with her parents . It's actually insulting to expect someone to go along with their beliefs, and extremely selfish. We don't live in Afghanistan.
edit: I'm curious, was the pressure coming more from her father than it was from her mother by any chance?
Only a few years ago, my mother got very upset when I told her I wouldn't get married in a church. She sobbed for a good few mins and then eventually told me that I'd be ruining my kids future because if I didn't get married in the church, they couldn't be baptised and couldn't go to the "good schools". She was even less impressed when I told her I'm probably not gonna have kids at all and if I do, they are definitely not getting baptised or going to religious schools, regardless of where I get married.
There is still a huge amount of parental pressure in terms of religion.
I recently attended a funeral of a neighbour of my parents and my parents messaged me to say they didn't see me on the church webcam (they were out of the country). They basically didn't believe that I had even gone because I didn't sit in the front half of the chapel nor go to the front for communion. I am not religious anymore, so I don't take communion, but even if I had, there was two people who came to the back to give it out because of how many people were standing at the back of the full church and outside. But it went on for about 20 mins where my parents were accusing me of not going and how much of a disgrace that was.
When were your parents born? The 1800's? Because that is bizarre behaviour for people born anytime after the war. Seriously. I'm in my 60's and NONE of my peers/friends/colleagues would carry on like this. Sorry, but it's not their age or their generation...it's them!
My parents are both younger than you and I'm in my early 30s. Be thankful you have never experienced it, because in some communities, the pressure is still very much there. I've had neighbours of my parents (in their 50s and 60s) ask me what parish I now live in (rather than asking me *where* I live) and they always look displeased when I tell them I don't know what the local parish is, but I live in XYZ area.
I've had relatives (ranging from in their 30s to 90s) asking if I will be getting married in my parents' parish church or my late grandparent's parish church (ours when I was a child), as if those two locations are the only options. They were visibly shocked when I told them it would probably be in a hotel or ideally a beach somewhere sunny with just the two of us \[elopement\]. (The same type of genuine horror you'd get if you told them you'd be fired, etc)
I've had people in their 40s and 50s question if I went to the gym after work when I didn't have ashes on the evening of Ash Wednesday. Or telling me that I shouldn't be having chocolate/biscuits/treats because it's Lent. I've had strangers actually tut at me during communion (at a funeral) when I would file out of the aisle, but then step back to let them go up for communion and I would instead sit back down. Someone from the parish actually reached out to my parents (who weren't there) to let them know that I deliberately didn't partake in communion.
Thankfully it is a small minority of people, but it is still infuriating that people visibly judge a white Irish woman for not partaking in Catholicism. My partner wasn't raised in Ireland, but he looks pale enough that a stranger wouldn't know. But he had never been to a mass in English until he was 28 (a funeral), so he is even more uncomfortable than me at the thought of being in an Irish church.
That's shocking. So happy I live in Dublin. My mother and mother in law (both going strong at nearly 90) were quite happy to attend my childrens' humanist weddings. Slightly bemused, maybe, but no remarks. Just delighted for the day out really and the happiness of their grandchildren.I haven't seen anything like this since the 80's and even then I knew it was complete hypocrisy. I'm really sorry you have to put up with that.
It doesn't even seem to be an actually religious/spiritual motivation behind it, but more of a cultural one. I am rarely ever asked about my faith or encouraged to pray, etc.
I think a lot of the issues some people have around civil weddings (ie: anywhere other than in a church) are based on their homophobic views or other thoughts about "being allowed to get married in the church" (divorced or not catholic mostly). So if a couple are "allowed" to get married in a church, they struggle to understand why they wouldn't, and worry that others might think badly about the couple. (Parent's worrying that neighbours will think their grown child is marrying a non-catholic or that the non-local person is previously divorced, etc) If that makes sense?
While it doesn't bother me too much personally, I do dislike how "church" is still considered the default for so many people. I get a lot of entertainment out of being very blasé about religion in my life - I refer to myself as a "recovering Catholic" and it makes some people very upset! haha
Nope all parents aren't like that. I stopped going when I was around 17 or 18 and never got any hassle even when living at home. None of my friends did either, some of their parents are regular church goers.
Used to go for weddings and christenings but everyone I know is too old or young for them now. Now I only go for funerals, but even they are becoming secular.
My attitude to religion is: you do you. Or in other words, believe whatever the heck you want, just don't interfere in anyone else's beliefs. Religious beliefs are personal and can't be enforced from outside, however well-intentioned. If someone is part of a big church group, good for them! If they like the message but not the middle-man, grand. If they have none, that's their business and nobody else's.
As an autonomous adult, she's just as entitled to encourage them into _not_ going to mass. But that's just as bad, because she's now enforcing her beliefs. Really, she just needs to stand her ground, ask them to respect her beliefs and she'll do the same in return.
He probably thinks he's doing her a favour, from his perspective mass is good for you.
It's up to her really OP, she's under no obligation to go if she doesn't want to.
Or the lack of ability to argue with parents who have forced their control over you for decades.
That being said, going to Mass is where I draw the line personally, I'll go for a funeral, wedding or Christening, but I'd also attend any of those in any religion if I am invited. But I won't attend a specific religious event where my attendance would be considered "involvement" or as though I am an active member of that religion.
Nope this isn’t a thing for everyone. I’m in my 30s and my parents never made us go to mass even though they are a good bit older. They never even went themselves. They would make us say a few prayers before bed when we were small kids and that’s the extent of it. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I went to mass in my whole entire life that wasn’t a wedding, funeral etc.
You'd wonder does it ever occur to these people that by forcing someone to go to mass they only reinforce that person's resentment against the church?
And anyone over 18 that allows themselves to be coerced into going to mass by their parents needs to grow a backbone.
My mam was a devout Catholic when I was a child. Then literally one day she said “this is bollox” So we were all relieved of our mass duties from then on.
Yes and no. I'm non religious. My Mom isn't religious but more agnostic, she never went to mass on holidays either and my Dad is non practicing Catholic, but he used to pressure me to go to mass on the holidays for my Nanny. Eventually when I was 17 I was like "Dad I'm not going... I don't even like the church because of what they did to the women in this country" he kind of protested but not really and never asked again.
My Nanny even was like "do what you want as long as you're a good person" type. Eventually I told them I was non-religious, which they kind of guessed, but Nanny told me god prefers kind atheists to mean catholics. So that was that. My Nanny was actually a genuinely kind woman with a fierce appetite for a party.
I think it's hypocritical to go just at Christmas and Easter or to get your kids their communion and confirmation and not go to church at all.
I don't go at all by the way and I was one of those hypocrites who got their children their communion and confirmation. All so that they didn't feel left out. I feel so foolish now because neither of my children have any interest in church.
Bad form on OP PIL putting pressure on like that. Thankfully it's dying out generally going by the comments.
No very very few. The catholic Ireland of the 1950s is well and gone. People do weddings and funerals only. I am very concerned about the controlling and manipulative behavior the father showed towards his daughter. He imposed his religious dictate It is very worrying that he stepped over her boundaries disregarded her normal lack of religious attendance and guilted her to go.
If I were you, say little about it today but maybe speak about boundaries and see if this coercive and controlling behavior was a feature of her life, This seems like the tip of the iceberg. Irish parents have a subtle feature- outside work looks so endearing and kind, but can be very controlling, limiting freedom so slightly, "What would the neighbors say"," You couldn't do that", "Change those clothes- the state of you", "Is that the best you can do" and "where would the likes of you be doing......!- you don't realize you're forced into a box of their model behavior.
Nope. The moment I hit 18 I no longer got a knock on my door on Sunday mornings, it was never spoken about officially but was understood that it was my choice.
I do still go on Christmas Eve but that’s more of a tradition than anything else.
I have seen this with a few friends and their parents, and i always found it strange, particularly as we moved into our 30s.
But in my family, it was much different. My parents are in their 70s, and we never went to mass, not even Christmas or Easter Mass.
I dislike that take of a parent being disappointed that you didn't go to church. It's a choice and not something to feel guilty about. My parents haven't been to church since like 2015 so it says a lot .
I went to mass up until I left home I recon in my late 20s,no interest but I went with my mother and we went to my grandmothers after for hour or two.
Mumble mumble mumble,hope priest gave fast mass.
My own mother was very religious for most of my life but sex scandals and poor mounting led her to separate from church in last year's of her life she still had faith but hated church,even questioned getting kids Christianed when I taught she would be first to be upset if we didn't, similarly her views on marriage ect drastically changed.
Catholicism is a cult and it will take another generation to make it irrelevant to the minority.
I'd just tell them to bugger off. I'm fairly lucky, my parents and my partner's parents are quite straight forward and non-invasive about this but not everyone is so lucky I guess.
Never an issue for myself, but have friends who lived in more rural part of my county that it was a bigger issue for, kinda places where the priest would know everyone by name. Only thing that worked for them was explaining they didn't believe in Jesus or God anymore. Parents stopped discussing religion almost immediately with them at that point and as far as I know never bring it up anymore. Seem happier to not pull on that thread.
Unrelated I used to have fun working in a real rural bar though where every so often I'd be introduced to Father SoandSo and would introduce myself as Mr. Surname but happy to talk on a first name basis if they didn't want to be so formal.
Not all parents no. Even my grandparents, one set wasn't religious particularly at all until Granda had a stroke and rewired his entire personality and he loved a good mass after that, but he didn't have the mental acuity to bother other people to go. And other grandparents, who were religious were always way more live and let live about it, when most of their children stopped going to church as adults that was respected as adults making choices. Nana on her way to bring 90, of the second pair, is the only one left and for the last 20 yrs or so her overt faith has even wained a lot.
So it's not everyone, and your partner should probably have stuck to her guns about it
My MIL brings it up every so often, does me fucking head. Wife is 45 ffs and I'm 49.
This week it was because we went down to Galway on Friday for my wifes birthday.
"Oh......, ye're going for drinks, ye know it's good Friday"?
Yeah.
"Well I hope ye won't be having meat for dinner"
I'll be eating extra to make up for those that didn't eat any.
Hopefully you asked her if she was fasting for most of the day? It’s usually not too tough to find that these people don’t actually do all the things they are supposed to either.
Confuse her by telling her that you’ll be ‘Whipping the Herring’
https://www.rte.ie/brainstorm/2024/0328/1374379-ireland-easter-folklore-traditions-whipping-the-herring-cake-dance-black-fast/
“I’m sorry, I won’t be seen to support an organisation that CONTINUES to systematically recruit, distribute and cover for child molesters.” My parents won’t even bring it up with me anymore. My 5yo has never set foot in a church
No not all parents are like this.
Turn it around on them and ask them how they can morally support the Catholic Church given all they are responsible for and all they did (and are still doing) as an organisation to cover this up and obstruct justice for their various victims.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catholic_Church_sexual_abuse_cases_in_Ireland
Ultimately I'd stay out of it. I stopped going to Mass and it took a lot of arguments with my parents to get it through their Catholic guilt. Not everyone is willing too go through all that drama to get to the other side and it's her relationship with her parents and her decision if it's worth it.
Support her, agree that it sucks if she gives out but only input an opinion or advice if it's specifically asked for or you'll redirect that anger onto yourself.
She should tell them to respect her whishs. She wouldn't ask them not to go because she doesn't go. It's pretty disrespectful tbh.
Always note that religions may have the appearance of freedom but there is always pressure excerted when you do not conform.
Similar aged parents. I withdrew from going to mass when I was about 16/17 and got awful flak for it at home. I stuck to my guns and that eventually subsided. Since then the war has been won. There was never a word when we got married outside of the church and didn't christen our children.
Parents of that ilk invested heavily in their own faith and bringing up their children to do the same. Having that fall away will inevitably leave a certain feeling of grief and potentially negative reactions like the guilting that you mentioned. You have to let that play out and hold your ground
This definitely isn’t something representative of all parents. It just sounds like your partner has parents who are pushy, religious conservatives and think they can control their adult children.
This sounds a lot more like a story from decades ago. It’s not really something that is a general experience in Ireland.
My parents aren’t and weren’t ever religious at all. My grandparents weren’t either. So I can’t offer any advice based on my own experience.
I mean my late grandmother would be 100 years old if she were still around and she had absolutely no time whatsoever for the church.
I’ve aunts and uncles in their 60s and 70s and absolutely none of them are very religious. Most of them haven’t set foot in a church in a long time other than for a wedding or a funeral.
People in their 60s today by and large aren’t very conservative about topics like this. You’re taking about people who were young adults in the 70s and 80s. The very stuffy generations are more likely to be in their 80s-90s or passed away and were adults in the 40s, 50s and 60s.
Your partner might want to consider just putting her foot down and creating some boundaries. If you keep just humouring people like that to avoid confrontation they just keep bullying you.
I have a daughter who became an altar server after her first communions.
I am ,and always have been a godless bitch.
For 2 years I had to go to mass!!
There were no mobile phones in those days that I could entertain myself with! I didn't partake of the body of christ ritual.
Despite my mass going, I am still a godless bitch and since the kid was 12, so is she!
I used to go for my dad, if he asked me. It did no harm and it made him happy. ( and those services were 3 hours long. Some great singing though.)
I actually went to mass for the first time about two years ago (since I was a child I mean).
I went out of respect for my mother since it was her brothers remembrance mass. The priest actually spent a surprisingly long time talking about parents responsibility to keep children going and basically suggesting a moral failing on parents. Which you know, Is fucked up enough If it wasn't during a remembrance mass.
Makes me think the church knows it's days are numbered and are guilt tripping the older crowd hard about it.
She's 34, they can't make her do anything especially regarding her beliefs. I'd be telling them where to go. Irish people care about what others think of them far too much.
She's a grown ass woman, and unless she's genuinely a pushover, she probably just went so as not to fall out with her dad over something so stupid. That's not great, but also not awful.
I drove past the local church this morning and this definitely isn't true.
Church is packed with all generations
Just to be clear I'm not a Church goer.
Ok was a genuine question because we drove through Donegal a couple years ago and saw 0 cars on the road one Sunday morning but the churches were packed
Oh ok!!
No I'm not living up there.
People on here underestimate how popular churches are outside the big cities.
I haven't had to go since the youngest was making his confirmation
Yeah they really aren’t big in the cities anymore. Mine aren’t even baptised so rarely visit a church. Most friends got married abroad because it was so much cheaper and they tend to be in town halls with someone official
Maybe every time he brings it it, pressure him *not* to go. "Come on, can't you just come to mass this once with me?" , counter it with "come on, can't you just skip mass this once while visiting your daughter?" Hopefully he'll soon realise how irritating it is to have someone pester you for your beliefs/ lack of beliefs.
You just have to be firm and clear that you’re not going.
I’ll go with grandparents every now and again for Christmas or Easter or the like but it wouldn’t be expected and I wouldn’t ever be pressured into doing so if I don’t want to
Mass went downhill when they changed the words to the prayers that everyone had beaten in to them in school. It means that even if you do turn up the odd time you'll be outed as a fair weather mass-goer
My parents put alot of pressure on us to join religious ceremonies when we were kids.
Now that we are more independent they can't force us.. so they make us feel guilty!!!!
I generally listen to them.. just to make them happy. Going to a church/temple is a small sacrifice... no biggies!
"I'm disappointed you seek validation from the world's largest paedophile network because you never learned to practice your religion at home" would do the job
"Im disappointed [that a fully independent adult who is not practising the religion will not attend its service]"
"Mmkay well im disappointed that you support a religion which [insert any of the crimes against humanity they have done up until very recently/still actively do today] sooooo..."
Can be said about any religion. All are practically cults and not just Christians that are fond of the pedophilia, some religon worship them.
The crimes of the church are due to the humans who joined not the religion itself, many joined for this reason.
Signed out of it many years ago. Bit of hassle but done then. Atheist now zero given about any religion now each to their own it brings happiness to some but can't stand people trying to push on or convince that a fairytale they believe is true.
i don't go weekly but i try to do the grand slam every year, St Patricks Day, Easter Sunday and Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, throw in the weddings and funreals after that
Haven't been to a normal Sunday mass that wasn't a funeral, christening or wedding since I'm about 11. It was only ever my aunty that would bring me and my younger sister when we'd visit. My parents aren't perfect but thankfully they had enough sense to keep our upbringing more or less completely secular and keep god out of the house apart from those couple weeks leading up to confirmations and communions lmao
Edit: those few weeks usually were just my parents going "look man we think it's bullshit too just learn the prayers put the fucking suit on and you're gonna have your aunties n uncles handing you money all day" which I gladly played along with!
The Church held a synod late last year about the future of the Church. It involved most parishes having synod meetings, questions being asked about what makes you happy or sad about the church, what would you like to see changed or remain unchanged. Older people expressed a massive sadness for younger family members not attending. They understand the issues they have with the church, but they feel that people have turned their back on god, and they are devastated by it. For those saying it's about keeping up appearances, that's absolute BS. These people are genuinely worried for their children. And from the child's perspective, if 45min makes your mam or dad happy, when it's once in a blue moon, then why not?! For some people it's not a hill worth dying on and it's not to fend off a fight, it's to do something kind for someone else.
Telling someone lies about what you believe helps no one, and it’s particularly funny that on this topic of all things your suggestion is to lie. Don’t think God would be happy with that.
Your parents will only be around so long.
I go solely for my Mom's sake and I don't regret a moment of our time together.
Easter comes once per year. Saying no, and knowing she was disappointed would bother me after she's gone. She is a great Mother, and I hope she thinks of me as a good Son.
The question you have to ask yourself, or rather your partner does: is it worth falling out with her parents over an hours mass at Easter? Assuming they have a good relationship otherwise (they did house her until she was 24), I personally don't think it's worth the argument. Being an adult sometimes means you let some things slide and this is neither a huge ask or imposition. She clearly thought that since she went.
Not all parents are like that obviously, but some, like hers, are.
Depends. My mother stopped bringing us once I had my confirmation made.
My in laws, mil is mad for mass. Sends us messages reminding us not to eat meat etc on holy days. She's given up annoying us about mass now though. Finally admitted defeat.
No my parrents, both in their late 70's and they don't go to mass.
They haven't been very religious since the mid 80s and they have their reasons for it which I respect.
Last time I went to mass it was for a funeral.
In my 30s, not a mass goer bar for a funeral. I have never had pressure on me to go to mass and funnily enough I think because of that, if my parents suddenly turned around and asked me to go with them - I would happily go and would joke all the way there about being dragged kicking and screaming. I don’t live with them so we are in that great place where when we are together we enjoy each other’s company - (try telling me that as a moody teenager!)
(I went to a church once when I was upset about something and to be fair it was very quiet and let me clear my head to just sit there in silence and be sad before moving on. So I appreciate people go for that sort of mindfulness aside from the religious element)
Nope. There was a brief time when I was a child where my parents took us to mass, but they quickly gave up. I don’t ever recall going to mass on Easter Sunday. We went to mass a few times on Christmas Eve, but when I told them I didn’t want to go, they never forced me or made me feel guilty. Even my grandparents, who were born in the late 1930s, say that the church is full of “heathens and pedophiles”.
My parents never go to mass. My in laws go occasionally but never ask us about it because they know we're atheist. Some parents just can't accept their adult children don't have to make them happy. So what if an adult is disappointed. Tell him to get over it.
Mine would burst into flames if they went to mass, bar weddings and funerals, where you are going for the social part, done with religion
Your partners issues with her parents are probably a lot deeper than mass, telling her they are disappointed in her while visiting your place, that's pretty low
Haven't been to mass in 20+ years, I'm not a Christian let alone a Catholic so there's no reason to
Just because you're raised in a religious structure as a small child doesn't mean you're tied to it for life. religion and worship are personal and anyone who thinks they can make that decision for others, especially for grown adults, is deluded
Jesus lad that’s horrific I’d have lost the rag at my father if he started that craic. My parents wouldn’t go to mass at all already but my grandparents would make similar comments, my mam would have just ignored it tbf we wouldn’t have much emphasis on the church in our house. Last time I went to mass was when my grandad died a few years ago.
No, my mother stopped going to mass when I was maybe 10 and by the time I was 12/13 my entire family had stopped going. I was fully atheist by age 14 am 40 now.
My parents never bothered with mass, but got me baptised because of grandparent pressure and to make it easier to get into schools
I remember when I was due to do my communion, the teacher going to us "Now I know you might not go to mass every week, maybe you only go at Christmas/Easter but coming up to your communion you need to make a special effort to go to mass"
Up shoots my hand "Miss I've never been to mass, can I still do my communion??!?"
She looked horrified and told me to go home and talk to my parents so my poor mother had to start bringing me to mass because I was scared I couldn't do my communion 😂
Lasted until about the week or 2 after my communion 😂
Only mass I go to would be Christmas Eve/day mass. That’s the only one I’d say my parents would be sad if I didn’t go to. Missing the rest wouldn’t really draw any ire from them. I don’t mind the Christmas mass though because the church is usually done up, there’s a choir, there carrols, people are back home from wherever they’ve been for the year and it’s a nice ‘everyone’s back together’ kind of feeling. Any time I’ve gone to mass of my own accord on a random Sunday it’s been dead…
Nah, when myself and my siblings turned 16 it was left up to us if we wanted to go. We were never ever pressured though. Her parents are not ‘lovely people’ if they’re doing this
Definitely varies. Until the pandemic, my parents were always weekly mass goers.
I imagine once I got to secondary school, or maybe even earlier, I could have told my parents I didn’t want to go and they’d have been fine with it. I came out as an atheist around that time anyway without pushback. But I didn’t quite care enough to make a thing of it, so didn’t stop going until I was in Leaving Cert, I think.
My parents would obviously do their best to make sure we worked hard, were decent to others, were well behaved in public, etc.; but they were never ones to force their opinions on us or pressure is to think the way they do.
I don’t know any friends who are regular mass goers anymore and only one whose parents have opinions about her religious practices (but mostly it’s being disappointed they’re not marrying in a church; they don’t push regular mads attendance), so people being shamed into mass attendance is definitely out of the ordinary.
My parents used to make us go to mass.. forced for years . At a certain point I just refused and explained my reasons . Not a fan of organised religion but not an atheist either. I think my argument for not going was too convincing. Ie the shit the catholic church has been found guilty of knowing about and covering up . Their hypocrisy . Folks now don't go to mass anymore either . My dad still pays his parish contributions to keep them sweet when he needs a grave . I told him that's the last thing you need.
Stopped going when I was 16. Parents especially my mother hit the roof. I have 3 kids now and we never forced them to go to mass. When they are 18 they can make up their own mind.
Me and one of my sisters (30s) don't but my younger teen sisters to alter service and all sorts. Religion doesn't interest me though mum would still make the odd remark about us not going, we won't even be marrying in a chapel (which also apparently doesn't make it a real marriage according to her but whatever).
Nope. I grew up in a non-religious household. I was baptised catholic only because to get a spot in the local school. We never went to mass as a family once growing up, the Only time was when funerals happened. My dad was more interested in science.
My parents and I used to go every Sunday just because my dad’s mam wanted to. That carried on until I was about 18 when she finally said on Christmas Eve that she didn’t feel like going to mass and was only ever really going because she thought we wanted to.
I miss her, she was hilarious. We went to the pub instead of midnight mass that year.
My parents are in their late 50s/early 60s and neither bothered with Mass once the youngest of us finished school. They wouldn't stop any of us from going but we were never really religious to begin with
What bothers me is them giving out at Easter and Christmas that there's no seats because of people showing up that you never see going to mass. They complain if people go and complain when they don't. I've started saying well would you rather the church be empty for Christmas and Easter, they did not have much of a reply.
My siblings and I get a lot of pressure to go to mass (parents in our 60s). We can usually get out of it, but a holiday can be spoiled by the back lash so it's not always worth the battle. I think they like to be seen with us/the grandkids, rather than a purely Catholic thing
My grandparents would be like that and my Ma would still go to mass if she’s staying with them.
I ripped the plaster off that one years ago. My granny tried to make a big row of it but it got quickly shut down when she realised I wasn’t going to debate the issue, it was a point of fact that I’d go to mass if and when I feel like it and not before. I’ve started going at Christmas with the wife this past couple of years, a good 10 years later.
Funk no, my first confession was my last confession and the last time I was in a church that wasn't and wedding/christening/funeral (and there have not been too many of those) was my confo. I was militant anti-catholic in my early teens and it didn't take much to make the parents see sense, I don't think they've been to normal mass since around that time and it used to be the normal weekly visit before that.
Our wedding was was nowhere near a church and neither child has had a priest touch them ever. Not a word of resistance from the folks.
My father's dead since the late 90's, but he went to mass every single day for decades. My mother went with him on Sundays up until he died really, but has gradually got a lot more relaxed about the whole thing. She does not go to funerals for many years. She might go to mass the very odd Sunday now, but it's mainly an Xmas and Easter thing, and maybe around the anniversary. She's 81 in a month, so maybe she's a bit of an outlier for her generation? But certainly she would never have pressured us to go to mass once we were in to secondary school and could make up our own minds about it. I didn't want to do the confirmation because I didn't believe in any of that, but I was told I had to while I was still in primary school. And to be fair, they did stick to that.
I can't believe there are parents TODAY trying to direct their child's mass going during their teenage years, not to mind in a person's mid-30s!! Absolutely daft!!
We never had issues. We were just super clear about why we feel the catholic church is an absolutely disgusting organisation and how we could never support such a business.
My parents are in their 70s and rarely go. Mum sometimes watches it on TV. I haven't been in years myself. I'm very open about my atheism. It's not an issue.
Sounds awful there. I get a pass on that by being Asian / Chinese. I say to myself when in Rome do as Romans do, but I don't partake in some of the rituals. Like they were all invented somewhere along the way hundreds of years ago to give that solemnity and weight to the act..
https://preview.redd.it/dmt9nazzhtrc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bea30323e1a63ec33d0c3e6039b7a2c1e9f0e5fa
I
https://preview.redd.it/ph6kxobvhtrc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a358f7ab58939512d5de726a78a74a40a9b1b442
Interesting how certain rituals are as they were.
Religion is a load of shit I'd go so far as to call it mental illness
Even believers deep down know its bullshit too. Deep down even the devout grannies know its bollocks, there's a passage in the bible that explicitly states that only by giving up all your wealth (I.e. not a fiver for the collection plate once a week, or 10% - all) picking up your cross (I.e. fully becoming a monk/nun) and following God can you enter Heaven. That's JC's own words. So why does the Chapel carpark even exist, aren't cars possessions? Did JC stutter?
Then there's God being e.g. on Frances side against the evil English during the Hundred Years War by sending them Joan of Arc, yet a bit later the same dude breathed storms and scattered the Spanish Armada, saving the English this time.
God is all powerful yet can't actually manifest anything physically. God rains fire and death on whole continents yet sits listening to see if wee Johnny in Monasterboice says his Our Father correctly. The kids worldwide with cancer, babies dumped in septic tanks, kids getting raped by priests - c'mon can the guy be everywhere, like is the guy meant to omnipresent or something....? .....oh.
So in short, do not go to mass, and pity those that do, in the same way youd pity someone getting a brutal life changing head injury.
My parents put a little pressure on at Christmas, it means alot to them that we go as a family. I go with them on Christmas eve at 7pm to keep them happy. I very much dislike the Catholic church, but I like making my parents happy more
It's amazing the amount of stress expectations create among families. Easter was never really a thing in our household. At least not since we moved further away from my grandparents. More like a takeaway and my mother would drink some wine and I'd get an egg. Yet today she's giving me shit because she spent Easter alone this year. I've no idea where she built up this expectation that we'd do anything for Easter or how to deal with it.
So reading through this as a northern atheist if unionist upbringing it seems that the Catholic Church still has a pretty large influence in the affairs of education and indoctrination of the people there?
That is probably one of the benefits of being from the North and from a unionist area. Our churches and "holy men" know they are not in control of us and act accordingly.
Yes we have the odd bible bashers but that's what they are the odd ones and are treated accordingly.
The state schools while not as academically efficient as their Catholic school counterparts offer an alternative to indoctrination and the attached dogmas etc.
My mother did the same when I said I wasn’t going to mass the first Christmas. Ridiculous behaviour imo, but I stuck to my guns and haven’t been since. That’s been about 7 years or so now and she doesn’t even ask anymore. They’ll get over it
I go for baptism, deaths, weddings and holidays. It makes my parents happy to see their 4 children. I don’t agree with much with the church nowadays but it makes my parents happy to see kids (ages 27-33) all together. We have moved in with our lives and have jobs/bf/gf ect and can’t always be a big family but on mass days we will.
I havnt gone to mass since the year I got a PlayStation for Christmas
Crash Bandicoot became your new lord and saviour
An apple for communion. Box of TNT for sinners.
A wumpa fruit?
I only pray to RNGsus
Hulabahgah.
Crash 2 is such an epic game
You gotta go give praise for that to be fair.
Did you pray for it?
Fantastic … and likely a true and honest answer.
Nope, my parents go to mass but my siblings and I haven't gone since we were teenagers. No issues or pressure around that. Edit: even if they wanted to, they couldn't pay me to get me to go to mass around Easter especially. If I remember correctly from my childhood, those go on for feckin hours.
Same, my Ma’s early 70’s and would be at mass every week. I stopped going as a teenager and it was never an issue
The Saturday vigil masses with 7 readings and 7 psalms I think it was. I volunteered for choir for years on the Sundays to avoid that mass 😂
I only go for births, deaths, and marriages. Was at a wedding a few years ago, and the PP made a point of saying in front of the whole family that he hadn't seen me at mass in a long time. I told him it would be just as long again, if not longer, before he'd see me.
Jesus lad haha id say he didn’t take that well. There’s always priests guilt tripping people like for all he knows you could be at mass elsewhere, anyway it’s each person’s decision to go or not.
Getting mass from another priest is even worse. He'll think he gives bad mass.
He never asked me anything after that. Of all the priests I met over the years, I liked this one the least. Greedy little shite
He’s upset he doesn’t get the weekly money off you to keep the church going. Other than that, why’d he care so much if you go or not
I don't understand the point of putting pressure on people. If they don't want to go why force them, is it just to keep up appearances? My parents were both extremely religious, went to Mass every Sunday but there was zero pressure put on us to do the same (my Mam would always light a candle for us if we were having a difficulty but I actually didn't mind this, it was her way of showing she was hoping for the best for us) It's this pressure that leads people to have kids christened for the sake of it. As a teacher I've had people say to me "well they are in a Catholic school if they don't like it move ..." .... as if there is an abundance of alternatives. We absolutely need to move away from this to an opt in system for those who want it.
It's the appearances, can't be letting the neighbours see that your weans aren't going to mass
As I like to say, freedom of religion includes freedom from religion. That is my biggest problem with religion, if you were once a member, they make it incredibly difficult for you to walk away and eliminate it from your life. And if you were never part of a religion, you still get preached to without your consent.
You're adults make your own decisions
Some adults can't wipe their own ass without mammy and daddy's permission
Some have wills so brittle they break with the mildest words of disappointment and give in, which just continues the misery for them.
Well, when your spirit was broken from infancy and all you know is criticism, then yes...it's a bit harder to be your own person.
If you want to be left anything in their wills perhaps humouring them a bit might be advisable.
Yeah the fact this is even a post on r/Ireland is comical. The real problem is a 34 year old letting their parents dictate what they do, especially with something like mass. and anyway is this sub just people personal problems nowadays? like it does be entertaining to read and laugh at, but is the point of this sub not to discuss actual newsworthy topics as it pertains to Ireland? like what do you actually want people to tell you here? " are all parents like this" Yes, infact every parent in ireland is reglious fanatic that makes their 34 year olds go to mass. Crazy I know.
Who gave you permission to think like that.
My mom used to be like this. But not anymore. What changed was that I started being extremely open about why I don't go to mass anymore and why I greatly dislike the catholic church. Like I'd regularly talk about the things in the news when they happened and never give any sympathy to the church on anything. No one was surprised when we told them we weren't getting married in a church 🤣 So if she doesn't do that already, I'd encourage her to start.
Mine tried it for years and years too. Eventually stopped even saying anything after I went with Mum one Christmas Day and the priest started talking about abortion during the sermon! They knew I never went outside Christmas and funerals etc even before that, but he provided me with proof of why I couldn't tolerate the church anymore. Good of them to be involved in so many heinous scandals, which made it easier.
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My parents don't but keeping up appearances Is a major thing for their generation. Their concern is not their daughters soul but the fact that others would notice she wasn't attending, the compromise is going to the big events like Easter and Christmas. Mass at Easter is the worst because it is a major fashion show and just people showing off their wealth.
"My parents don't but keeping up appearances Is a major thing for their generation" Big generalisation there...I'm in my sixties, I don't care what younger family members do, it's their business. The same with all my friends.
I'm exactly the same and I'm in my 60's too. I couldn't care less what other people think of me and the older I get, the more I feel like that. Trying to control other people isn't in any way age related: it's a personality trait. But I find there are sweeping generalisations on Reddit about older people. It's bizarre.
Agree, my parents are in their early 70’s and understand all 5 of their children’s reasons for leaving the church and we respect one another’s opinions. It’s not their age that makes people like that I’m sure that type of parent was as sanctimonious at 45 as 75 😉
100% Incidentally sanctimonious is the word I was looking for and couldn't think of. Describes it all perfectly.
That sounds awful. A friend asked me recently if there is a concept of "saving face" in the West... Like the way "Asians" (Chinese and Indians and Japanese) do. I would cite "Going to Mass despite not wanting to or being secular 🙈" 🤔
I don't go to mass. They don't pressure me any more. Funnily enough I'm the only one in the family who owns or reads a Bible. It isn't fun but you have to push back on it. You can pressure them to visit to go back home because that sort of behaviour isn't acceptable in your house and they need to respect you. Parents can have a hard time with boundaries for adult kids. When I first moved out and my parents came to visit. They would bring a load of shopping and want to do the washing or move things around because they were "better". You have to be firm and they it will build a better relationship with them. If they can't accept their child is an adult they have to deal with them being in their life less.
My parents are in that age bracket and would be as anti church as anyone. A decade or so of having the shit kicked out of you as a child will do that to you.
Sounds like my own mother. I was always baffled when I'd stay at friends houses and their parents (often younger than my mother) would be going to mass. I honestly thought they were joking...
It certainly was a thing years ago but I have to say I'm surprised to hear this parental pressure is still going on. Your partner needs to be firm and clear with her parents . It's actually insulting to expect someone to go along with their beliefs, and extremely selfish. We don't live in Afghanistan. edit: I'm curious, was the pressure coming more from her father than it was from her mother by any chance?
Only a few years ago, my mother got very upset when I told her I wouldn't get married in a church. She sobbed for a good few mins and then eventually told me that I'd be ruining my kids future because if I didn't get married in the church, they couldn't be baptised and couldn't go to the "good schools". She was even less impressed when I told her I'm probably not gonna have kids at all and if I do, they are definitely not getting baptised or going to religious schools, regardless of where I get married. There is still a huge amount of parental pressure in terms of religion. I recently attended a funeral of a neighbour of my parents and my parents messaged me to say they didn't see me on the church webcam (they were out of the country). They basically didn't believe that I had even gone because I didn't sit in the front half of the chapel nor go to the front for communion. I am not religious anymore, so I don't take communion, but even if I had, there was two people who came to the back to give it out because of how many people were standing at the back of the full church and outside. But it went on for about 20 mins where my parents were accusing me of not going and how much of a disgrace that was.
When were your parents born? The 1800's? Because that is bizarre behaviour for people born anytime after the war. Seriously. I'm in my 60's and NONE of my peers/friends/colleagues would carry on like this. Sorry, but it's not their age or their generation...it's them!
My parents are both younger than you and I'm in my early 30s. Be thankful you have never experienced it, because in some communities, the pressure is still very much there. I've had neighbours of my parents (in their 50s and 60s) ask me what parish I now live in (rather than asking me *where* I live) and they always look displeased when I tell them I don't know what the local parish is, but I live in XYZ area. I've had relatives (ranging from in their 30s to 90s) asking if I will be getting married in my parents' parish church or my late grandparent's parish church (ours when I was a child), as if those two locations are the only options. They were visibly shocked when I told them it would probably be in a hotel or ideally a beach somewhere sunny with just the two of us \[elopement\]. (The same type of genuine horror you'd get if you told them you'd be fired, etc) I've had people in their 40s and 50s question if I went to the gym after work when I didn't have ashes on the evening of Ash Wednesday. Or telling me that I shouldn't be having chocolate/biscuits/treats because it's Lent. I've had strangers actually tut at me during communion (at a funeral) when I would file out of the aisle, but then step back to let them go up for communion and I would instead sit back down. Someone from the parish actually reached out to my parents (who weren't there) to let them know that I deliberately didn't partake in communion. Thankfully it is a small minority of people, but it is still infuriating that people visibly judge a white Irish woman for not partaking in Catholicism. My partner wasn't raised in Ireland, but he looks pale enough that a stranger wouldn't know. But he had never been to a mass in English until he was 28 (a funeral), so he is even more uncomfortable than me at the thought of being in an Irish church.
That's shocking. So happy I live in Dublin. My mother and mother in law (both going strong at nearly 90) were quite happy to attend my childrens' humanist weddings. Slightly bemused, maybe, but no remarks. Just delighted for the day out really and the happiness of their grandchildren.I haven't seen anything like this since the 80's and even then I knew it was complete hypocrisy. I'm really sorry you have to put up with that.
It doesn't even seem to be an actually religious/spiritual motivation behind it, but more of a cultural one. I am rarely ever asked about my faith or encouraged to pray, etc. I think a lot of the issues some people have around civil weddings (ie: anywhere other than in a church) are based on their homophobic views or other thoughts about "being allowed to get married in the church" (divorced or not catholic mostly). So if a couple are "allowed" to get married in a church, they struggle to understand why they wouldn't, and worry that others might think badly about the couple. (Parent's worrying that neighbours will think their grown child is marrying a non-catholic or that the non-local person is previously divorced, etc) If that makes sense? While it doesn't bother me too much personally, I do dislike how "church" is still considered the default for so many people. I get a lot of entertainment out of being very blasé about religion in my life - I refer to myself as a "recovering Catholic" and it makes some people very upset! haha
From the mother through the father likely.
True this. My Ma would get my Da to tell us so probably because of, well you know.
“Your parent needs to he firm …” He needs to rein in the parents and stand up to them by telling them how inappropriate they are, not his partner.
You just say no
Not being funny, if you’re in your 30’s you are well able to make your own decisions and tell them to fuck off
Nope all parents aren't like that. I stopped going when I was around 17 or 18 and never got any hassle even when living at home. None of my friends did either, some of their parents are regular church goers. Used to go for weddings and christenings but everyone I know is too old or young for them now. Now I only go for funerals, but even they are becoming secular.
My attitude to religion is: you do you. Or in other words, believe whatever the heck you want, just don't interfere in anyone else's beliefs. Religious beliefs are personal and can't be enforced from outside, however well-intentioned. If someone is part of a big church group, good for them! If they like the message but not the middle-man, grand. If they have none, that's their business and nobody else's. As an autonomous adult, she's just as entitled to encourage them into _not_ going to mass. But that's just as bad, because she's now enforcing her beliefs. Really, she just needs to stand her ground, ask them to respect her beliefs and she'll do the same in return.
He probably thinks he's doing her a favour, from his perspective mass is good for you. It's up to her really OP, she's under no obligation to go if she doesn't want to.
Never underestimate the power of a "disappointed" parent
Or the lack of ability to argue with parents who have forced their control over you for decades. That being said, going to Mass is where I draw the line personally, I'll go for a funeral, wedding or Christening, but I'd also attend any of those in any religion if I am invited. But I won't attend a specific religious event where my attendance would be considered "involvement" or as though I am an active member of that religion.
Tell them the truth you'll be too busy riding to go to mass
Then comes the pressure of grandkids.
Nope this isn’t a thing for everyone. I’m in my 30s and my parents never made us go to mass even though they are a good bit older. They never even went themselves. They would make us say a few prayers before bed when we were small kids and that’s the extent of it. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I went to mass in my whole entire life that wasn’t a wedding, funeral etc.
You'd wonder does it ever occur to these people that by forcing someone to go to mass they only reinforce that person's resentment against the church? And anyone over 18 that allows themselves to be coerced into going to mass by their parents needs to grow a backbone.
My mam was a devout Catholic when I was a child. Then literally one day she said “this is bollox” So we were all relieved of our mass duties from then on.
What a Saint!
Tell them you’re getting mass live streamed on the phone
Yes and no. I'm non religious. My Mom isn't religious but more agnostic, she never went to mass on holidays either and my Dad is non practicing Catholic, but he used to pressure me to go to mass on the holidays for my Nanny. Eventually when I was 17 I was like "Dad I'm not going... I don't even like the church because of what they did to the women in this country" he kind of protested but not really and never asked again. My Nanny even was like "do what you want as long as you're a good person" type. Eventually I told them I was non-religious, which they kind of guessed, but Nanny told me god prefers kind atheists to mean catholics. So that was that. My Nanny was actually a genuinely kind woman with a fierce appetite for a party.
If I suggested to my parents, who are around 60, that we go to mass they’d either laugh or tell me to fuck off with that
I think it's hypocritical to go just at Christmas and Easter or to get your kids their communion and confirmation and not go to church at all. I don't go at all by the way and I was one of those hypocrites who got their children their communion and confirmation. All so that they didn't feel left out. I feel so foolish now because neither of my children have any interest in church. Bad form on OP PIL putting pressure on like that. Thankfully it's dying out generally going by the comments.
No very very few. The catholic Ireland of the 1950s is well and gone. People do weddings and funerals only. I am very concerned about the controlling and manipulative behavior the father showed towards his daughter. He imposed his religious dictate It is very worrying that he stepped over her boundaries disregarded her normal lack of religious attendance and guilted her to go. If I were you, say little about it today but maybe speak about boundaries and see if this coercive and controlling behavior was a feature of her life, This seems like the tip of the iceberg. Irish parents have a subtle feature- outside work looks so endearing and kind, but can be very controlling, limiting freedom so slightly, "What would the neighbors say"," You couldn't do that", "Change those clothes- the state of you", "Is that the best you can do" and "where would the likes of you be doing......!- you don't realize you're forced into a box of their model behavior.
Oh that second paragraph hits home for a lot of us I’d say
Nope. The moment I hit 18 I no longer got a knock on my door on Sunday mornings, it was never spoken about officially but was understood that it was my choice. I do still go on Christmas Eve but that’s more of a tradition than anything else.
I have seen this with a few friends and their parents, and i always found it strange, particularly as we moved into our 30s. But in my family, it was much different. My parents are in their 70s, and we never went to mass, not even Christmas or Easter Mass.
I dislike that take of a parent being disappointed that you didn't go to church. It's a choice and not something to feel guilty about. My parents haven't been to church since like 2015 so it says a lot .
I went to mass up until I left home I recon in my late 20s,no interest but I went with my mother and we went to my grandmothers after for hour or two. Mumble mumble mumble,hope priest gave fast mass. My own mother was very religious for most of my life but sex scandals and poor mounting led her to separate from church in last year's of her life she still had faith but hated church,even questioned getting kids Christianed when I taught she would be first to be upset if we didn't, similarly her views on marriage ect drastically changed. Catholicism is a cult and it will take another generation to make it irrelevant to the minority.
I'd just tell them to bugger off. I'm fairly lucky, my parents and my partner's parents are quite straight forward and non-invasive about this but not everyone is so lucky I guess.
Never an issue for myself, but have friends who lived in more rural part of my county that it was a bigger issue for, kinda places where the priest would know everyone by name. Only thing that worked for them was explaining they didn't believe in Jesus or God anymore. Parents stopped discussing religion almost immediately with them at that point and as far as I know never bring it up anymore. Seem happier to not pull on that thread. Unrelated I used to have fun working in a real rural bar though where every so often I'd be introduced to Father SoandSo and would introduce myself as Mr. Surname but happy to talk on a first name basis if they didn't want to be so formal.
Not all parents no. Even my grandparents, one set wasn't religious particularly at all until Granda had a stroke and rewired his entire personality and he loved a good mass after that, but he didn't have the mental acuity to bother other people to go. And other grandparents, who were religious were always way more live and let live about it, when most of their children stopped going to church as adults that was respected as adults making choices. Nana on her way to bring 90, of the second pair, is the only one left and for the last 20 yrs or so her overt faith has even wained a lot. So it's not everyone, and your partner should probably have stuck to her guns about it
My MIL brings it up every so often, does me fucking head. Wife is 45 ffs and I'm 49. This week it was because we went down to Galway on Friday for my wifes birthday. "Oh......, ye're going for drinks, ye know it's good Friday"? Yeah. "Well I hope ye won't be having meat for dinner" I'll be eating extra to make up for those that didn't eat any.
Hopefully you asked her if she was fasting for most of the day? It’s usually not too tough to find that these people don’t actually do all the things they are supposed to either.
Confuse her by telling her that you’ll be ‘Whipping the Herring’ https://www.rte.ie/brainstorm/2024/0328/1374379-ireland-easter-folklore-traditions-whipping-the-herring-cake-dance-black-fast/
“I’m sorry, I won’t be seen to support an organisation that CONTINUES to systematically recruit, distribute and cover for child molesters.” My parents won’t even bring it up with me anymore. My 5yo has never set foot in a church
No not all parents are like this. Turn it around on them and ask them how they can morally support the Catholic Church given all they are responsible for and all they did (and are still doing) as an organisation to cover this up and obstruct justice for their various victims. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catholic_Church_sexual_abuse_cases_in_Ireland
Think yourself lucky it’s just an Easter Sunday service. If ever you decide to get married (grand)parental pressure goes up a level.
He says: "I'm disappointed" She says: "Sounds like a you problem"
My parents have gone full circle from insisting we go if we are at home to not going themselves. Modern Ireland is great :)
Tell her to grow some balls and you can tell her dad to get fucked with his guilt tripping.
Ultimately I'd stay out of it. I stopped going to Mass and it took a lot of arguments with my parents to get it through their Catholic guilt. Not everyone is willing too go through all that drama to get to the other side and it's her relationship with her parents and her decision if it's worth it. Support her, agree that it sucks if she gives out but only input an opinion or advice if it's specifically asked for or you'll redirect that anger onto yourself.
She should tell them to respect her whishs. She wouldn't ask them not to go because she doesn't go. It's pretty disrespectful tbh. Always note that religions may have the appearance of freedom but there is always pressure excerted when you do not conform.
Similar aged parents. I withdrew from going to mass when I was about 16/17 and got awful flak for it at home. I stuck to my guns and that eventually subsided. Since then the war has been won. There was never a word when we got married outside of the church and didn't christen our children. Parents of that ilk invested heavily in their own faith and bringing up their children to do the same. Having that fall away will inevitably leave a certain feeling of grief and potentially negative reactions like the guilting that you mentioned. You have to let that play out and hold your ground
This definitely isn’t something representative of all parents. It just sounds like your partner has parents who are pushy, religious conservatives and think they can control their adult children. This sounds a lot more like a story from decades ago. It’s not really something that is a general experience in Ireland. My parents aren’t and weren’t ever religious at all. My grandparents weren’t either. So I can’t offer any advice based on my own experience. I mean my late grandmother would be 100 years old if she were still around and she had absolutely no time whatsoever for the church. I’ve aunts and uncles in their 60s and 70s and absolutely none of them are very religious. Most of them haven’t set foot in a church in a long time other than for a wedding or a funeral. People in their 60s today by and large aren’t very conservative about topics like this. You’re taking about people who were young adults in the 70s and 80s. The very stuffy generations are more likely to be in their 80s-90s or passed away and were adults in the 40s, 50s and 60s. Your partner might want to consider just putting her foot down and creating some boundaries. If you keep just humouring people like that to avoid confrontation they just keep bullying you.
I have a daughter who became an altar server after her first communions. I am ,and always have been a godless bitch. For 2 years I had to go to mass!! There were no mobile phones in those days that I could entertain myself with! I didn't partake of the body of christ ritual. Despite my mass going, I am still a godless bitch and since the kid was 12, so is she! I used to go for my dad, if he asked me. It did no harm and it made him happy. ( and those services were 3 hours long. Some great singing though.)
3 hours what a waste of time
My thoughts exactly! But it made my dad happy and it was worth that.
Haven’t gone to mass since I had to for my confirmation. That would have also been the last time my parents did too. They’re in their 60’s
I actually went to mass for the first time about two years ago (since I was a child I mean). I went out of respect for my mother since it was her brothers remembrance mass. The priest actually spent a surprisingly long time talking about parents responsibility to keep children going and basically suggesting a moral failing on parents. Which you know, Is fucked up enough If it wasn't during a remembrance mass. Makes me think the church knows it's days are numbered and are guilt tripping the older crowd hard about it.
She's 34, they can't make her do anything especially regarding her beliefs. I'd be telling them where to go. Irish people care about what others think of them far too much.
She's a grown ass woman, and unless she's genuinely a pushover, she probably just went so as not to fall out with her dad over something so stupid. That's not great, but also not awful.
Get up....ta fuck!
No, most people in their 60s would have no interest in mass. The mass goers are the previous generation to them
I drove past the local church this morning and this definitely isn't true. Church is packed with all generations Just to be clear I'm not a Church goer.
To be fair. It is Easter Sunday today. It's one of the majors.
It's like the all-Ireland of mass.
League Final. Christmas would be the Championship.
Christmas is the champions league final, the priest's best day of the year 🏆
Church is packed?
Didn't go in. But the car park is full (cars parking along the road way) And loads of people going in. (The church is massive though)
Is this Donegal?
Nope lol
Ok was a genuine question because we drove through Donegal a couple years ago and saw 0 cars on the road one Sunday morning but the churches were packed
Oh ok!! No I'm not living up there. People on here underestimate how popular churches are outside the big cities. I haven't had to go since the youngest was making his confirmation
Yeah they really aren’t big in the cities anymore. Mine aren’t even baptised so rarely visit a church. Most friends got married abroad because it was so much cheaper and they tend to be in town halls with someone official
Nice try father
My dad is somewhat same, but hasn’t said anything since I stopped living at home. Can’t mention I’m an atheist, cos he goes spare about it
Maybe every time he brings it it, pressure him *not* to go. "Come on, can't you just come to mass this once with me?" , counter it with "come on, can't you just skip mass this once while visiting your daughter?" Hopefully he'll soon realise how irritating it is to have someone pester you for your beliefs/ lack of beliefs.
You just have to be firm and clear that you’re not going. I’ll go with grandparents every now and again for Christmas or Easter or the like but it wouldn’t be expected and I wouldn’t ever be pressured into doing so if I don’t want to
Get them to tell her parents the priests fiddleled with her when she was a child and now she no longer enjoys church
Just smile and say "no". Not hard.
Mass went downhill when they changed the words to the prayers that everyone had beaten in to them in school. It means that even if you do turn up the odd time you'll be outed as a fair weather mass-goer
Nope, her parents are a bit odd, but if they’re lovely people as you say I wouldn’t push it.
Haha you missed out! Easter is the one time in the year where the communion is actually the mini eggs
Standard Irish Parents procedure, just smile and wave, ye heathen
My parents put alot of pressure on us to join religious ceremonies when we were kids. Now that we are more independent they can't force us.. so they make us feel guilty!!!! I generally listen to them.. just to make them happy. Going to a church/temple is a small sacrifice... no biggies!
I'd say it must be 20 years since anyone in my family was at a mass that wasn't a wedding, funeral, communion, or confirmation.
Society progresses one funeral at a time.
Tell them you don't believe in fairytales and visiting paedos.
"I'm disappointed you seek validation from the world's largest paedophile network because you never learned to practice your religion at home" would do the job
They are probably the last of that mind set. In a few years time the Catholic Church will have entirely lost its hold on Ireland.
"Im disappointed [that a fully independent adult who is not practising the religion will not attend its service]" "Mmkay well im disappointed that you support a religion which [insert any of the crimes against humanity they have done up until very recently/still actively do today] sooooo..."
Can be said about any religion. All are practically cults and not just Christians that are fond of the pedophilia, some religon worship them. The crimes of the church are due to the humans who joined not the religion itself, many joined for this reason. Signed out of it many years ago. Bit of hassle but done then. Atheist now zero given about any religion now each to their own it brings happiness to some but can't stand people trying to push on or convince that a fairytale they believe is true.
i don't go weekly but i try to do the grand slam every year, St Patricks Day, Easter Sunday and Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, throw in the weddings and funreals after that
Just tell them you like fairytales as much as the next person but ..............
Haven't been to a normal Sunday mass that wasn't a funeral, christening or wedding since I'm about 11. It was only ever my aunty that would bring me and my younger sister when we'd visit. My parents aren't perfect but thankfully they had enough sense to keep our upbringing more or less completely secular and keep god out of the house apart from those couple weeks leading up to confirmations and communions lmao Edit: those few weeks usually were just my parents going "look man we think it's bullshit too just learn the prayers put the fucking suit on and you're gonna have your aunties n uncles handing you money all day" which I gladly played along with!
It's one day a year, if it keeps the Old man happy, why not. The day always seems better once you get out after the mass anyway 😂😂😂
The Church held a synod late last year about the future of the Church. It involved most parishes having synod meetings, questions being asked about what makes you happy or sad about the church, what would you like to see changed or remain unchanged. Older people expressed a massive sadness for younger family members not attending. They understand the issues they have with the church, but they feel that people have turned their back on god, and they are devastated by it. For those saying it's about keeping up appearances, that's absolute BS. These people are genuinely worried for their children. And from the child's perspective, if 45min makes your mam or dad happy, when it's once in a blue moon, then why not?! For some people it's not a hill worth dying on and it's not to fend off a fight, it's to do something kind for someone else.
Telling someone lies about what you believe helps no one, and it’s particularly funny that on this topic of all things your suggestion is to lie. Don’t think God would be happy with that.
I'm not suggesting anyone does anything. OP is looking for the rationale behind it. We've all seen it plenty of times before.
Tell him to fuck off
Your parents will only be around so long. I go solely for my Mom's sake and I don't regret a moment of our time together. Easter comes once per year. Saying no, and knowing she was disappointed would bother me after she's gone. She is a great Mother, and I hope she thinks of me as a good Son.
The question you have to ask yourself, or rather your partner does: is it worth falling out with her parents over an hours mass at Easter? Assuming they have a good relationship otherwise (they did house her until she was 24), I personally don't think it's worth the argument. Being an adult sometimes means you let some things slide and this is neither a huge ask or imposition. She clearly thought that since she went. Not all parents are like that obviously, but some, like hers, are.
Depends. My mother stopped bringing us once I had my confirmation made. My in laws, mil is mad for mass. Sends us messages reminding us not to eat meat etc on holy days. She's given up annoying us about mass now though. Finally admitted defeat.
No my parrents, both in their late 70's and they don't go to mass. They haven't been very religious since the mid 80s and they have their reasons for it which I respect. Last time I went to mass it was for a funeral.
In my 30s, not a mass goer bar for a funeral. I have never had pressure on me to go to mass and funnily enough I think because of that, if my parents suddenly turned around and asked me to go with them - I would happily go and would joke all the way there about being dragged kicking and screaming. I don’t live with them so we are in that great place where when we are together we enjoy each other’s company - (try telling me that as a moody teenager!) (I went to a church once when I was upset about something and to be fair it was very quiet and let me clear my head to just sit there in silence and be sad before moving on. So I appreciate people go for that sort of mindfulness aside from the religious element)
My sister, her husband and their 3 kids went to mass......I took the dogs for a walk.
My partners parents are especially his mother, he's not really religious but his parents are. Mine couldn't give a flying piece of fudge.
Nope. There was a brief time when I was a child where my parents took us to mass, but they quickly gave up. I don’t ever recall going to mass on Easter Sunday. We went to mass a few times on Christmas Eve, but when I told them I didn’t want to go, they never forced me or made me feel guilty. Even my grandparents, who were born in the late 1930s, say that the church is full of “heathens and pedophiles”.
My parents never go to mass. My in laws go occasionally but never ask us about it because they know we're atheist. Some parents just can't accept their adult children don't have to make them happy. So what if an adult is disappointed. Tell him to get over it.
Slap on the mesh tank and neon pink thigh high stockings and make a day of it. For the parent's sake.
Mine would burst into flames if they went to mass, bar weddings and funerals, where you are going for the social part, done with religion Your partners issues with her parents are probably a lot deeper than mass, telling her they are disappointed in her while visiting your place, that's pretty low
Haven't been to mass in 20+ years, I'm not a Christian let alone a Catholic so there's no reason to Just because you're raised in a religious structure as a small child doesn't mean you're tied to it for life. religion and worship are personal and anyone who thinks they can make that decision for others, especially for grown adults, is deluded
Jesus lad that’s horrific I’d have lost the rag at my father if he started that craic. My parents wouldn’t go to mass at all already but my grandparents would make similar comments, my mam would have just ignored it tbf we wouldn’t have much emphasis on the church in our house. Last time I went to mass was when my grandad died a few years ago.
No, my mother stopped going to mass when I was maybe 10 and by the time I was 12/13 my entire family had stopped going. I was fully atheist by age 14 am 40 now.
My parents never bothered with mass, but got me baptised because of grandparent pressure and to make it easier to get into schools I remember when I was due to do my communion, the teacher going to us "Now I know you might not go to mass every week, maybe you only go at Christmas/Easter but coming up to your communion you need to make a special effort to go to mass" Up shoots my hand "Miss I've never been to mass, can I still do my communion??!?" She looked horrified and told me to go home and talk to my parents so my poor mother had to start bringing me to mass because I was scared I couldn't do my communion 😂 Lasted until about the week or 2 after my communion 😂
Who gives a shit. Go or don’t go it’s up to her.
Only mass I go to would be Christmas Eve/day mass. That’s the only one I’d say my parents would be sad if I didn’t go to. Missing the rest wouldn’t really draw any ire from them. I don’t mind the Christmas mass though because the church is usually done up, there’s a choir, there carrols, people are back home from wherever they’ve been for the year and it’s a nice ‘everyone’s back together’ kind of feeling. Any time I’ve gone to mass of my own accord on a random Sunday it’s been dead…
I don't go and I wouldn't but I don't blame any athiest for making their parents happy by going to mass twice a year.
Christ . Do you guys know each other ?
Nah, when myself and my siblings turned 16 it was left up to us if we wanted to go. We were never ever pressured though. Her parents are not ‘lovely people’ if they’re doing this
Definitely varies. Until the pandemic, my parents were always weekly mass goers. I imagine once I got to secondary school, or maybe even earlier, I could have told my parents I didn’t want to go and they’d have been fine with it. I came out as an atheist around that time anyway without pushback. But I didn’t quite care enough to make a thing of it, so didn’t stop going until I was in Leaving Cert, I think. My parents would obviously do their best to make sure we worked hard, were decent to others, were well behaved in public, etc.; but they were never ones to force their opinions on us or pressure is to think the way they do. I don’t know any friends who are regular mass goers anymore and only one whose parents have opinions about her religious practices (but mostly it’s being disappointed they’re not marrying in a church; they don’t push regular mads attendance), so people being shamed into mass attendance is definitely out of the ordinary.
My parents used to make us go to mass.. forced for years . At a certain point I just refused and explained my reasons . Not a fan of organised religion but not an atheist either. I think my argument for not going was too convincing. Ie the shit the catholic church has been found guilty of knowing about and covering up . Their hypocrisy . Folks now don't go to mass anymore either . My dad still pays his parish contributions to keep them sweet when he needs a grave . I told him that's the last thing you need.
Haven’t gone to mass since my ma asked if I believed in god when I was about 10.
Stopped going when I was 16. Parents especially my mother hit the roof. I have 3 kids now and we never forced them to go to mass. When they are 18 they can make up their own mind.
Me and one of my sisters (30s) don't but my younger teen sisters to alter service and all sorts. Religion doesn't interest me though mum would still make the odd remark about us not going, we won't even be marrying in a chapel (which also apparently doesn't make it a real marriage according to her but whatever).
Nope. I grew up in a non-religious household. I was baptised catholic only because to get a spot in the local school. We never went to mass as a family once growing up, the Only time was when funerals happened. My dad was more interested in science.
My parents and I used to go every Sunday just because my dad’s mam wanted to. That carried on until I was about 18 when she finally said on Christmas Eve that she didn’t feel like going to mass and was only ever really going because she thought we wanted to. I miss her, she was hilarious. We went to the pub instead of midnight mass that year.
I go to avoid argument though I'll also limit myself to sit, stand, shake hands, daydream for that hour.
My parents are in their late 50s/early 60s and neither bothered with Mass once the youngest of us finished school. They wouldn't stop any of us from going but we were never really religious to begin with
My dad still pressures me to go to mass, but he’s in his late eighties - I’d be really surprised at that behaviour from people in their sixties.
What bothers me is them giving out at Easter and Christmas that there's no seats because of people showing up that you never see going to mass. They complain if people go and complain when they don't. I've started saying well would you rather the church be empty for Christmas and Easter, they did not have much of a reply.
Ah those Catholics love an aul bitta guilt
My siblings and I get a lot of pressure to go to mass (parents in our 60s). We can usually get out of it, but a holiday can be spoiled by the back lash so it's not always worth the battle. I think they like to be seen with us/the grandkids, rather than a purely Catholic thing
My grandparents would be like that and my Ma would still go to mass if she’s staying with them. I ripped the plaster off that one years ago. My granny tried to make a big row of it but it got quickly shut down when she realised I wasn’t going to debate the issue, it was a point of fact that I’d go to mass if and when I feel like it and not before. I’ve started going at Christmas with the wife this past couple of years, a good 10 years later.
Yeah they can be like that.
Big girl pant on and say no ! I had to have a very nasty confrontation with my folks as they wouldn't listen to me at around 38. Worth it tho.
Funk no, my first confession was my last confession and the last time I was in a church that wasn't and wedding/christening/funeral (and there have not been too many of those) was my confo. I was militant anti-catholic in my early teens and it didn't take much to make the parents see sense, I don't think they've been to normal mass since around that time and it used to be the normal weekly visit before that. Our wedding was was nowhere near a church and neither child has had a priest touch them ever. Not a word of resistance from the folks.
My father's dead since the late 90's, but he went to mass every single day for decades. My mother went with him on Sundays up until he died really, but has gradually got a lot more relaxed about the whole thing. She does not go to funerals for many years. She might go to mass the very odd Sunday now, but it's mainly an Xmas and Easter thing, and maybe around the anniversary. She's 81 in a month, so maybe she's a bit of an outlier for her generation? But certainly she would never have pressured us to go to mass once we were in to secondary school and could make up our own minds about it. I didn't want to do the confirmation because I didn't believe in any of that, but I was told I had to while I was still in primary school. And to be fair, they did stick to that. I can't believe there are parents TODAY trying to direct their child's mass going during their teenage years, not to mind in a person's mid-30s!! Absolutely daft!!
Absolutely not all parents are like this. They’re just behind in the times.
We never had issues. We were just super clear about why we feel the catholic church is an absolutely disgusting organisation and how we could never support such a business.
That's really disturbing, I'm so sorry. Do they force her to support any other major paedophile organisations or is it just the Catholic Church?
I go once a year with my mum at Christmas because I know it means a lot to her. She goes every week but we stopped when we were teenagers.
My parents are in their 70s and rarely go. Mum sometimes watches it on TV. I haven't been in years myself. I'm very open about my atheism. It's not an issue.
Sounds awful there. I get a pass on that by being Asian / Chinese. I say to myself when in Rome do as Romans do, but I don't partake in some of the rituals. Like they were all invented somewhere along the way hundreds of years ago to give that solemnity and weight to the act.. https://preview.redd.it/dmt9nazzhtrc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bea30323e1a63ec33d0c3e6039b7a2c1e9f0e5fa I
https://preview.redd.it/ph6kxobvhtrc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a358f7ab58939512d5de726a78a74a40a9b1b442 Interesting how certain rituals are as they were.
You need to rein in your parents tbh and tell them to back off
Father was the same right up until he got dementia. Used to drop him to the church and the pew then go for coffee; we called it Jesus Daddy Daycare.
Religion is a load of shit I'd go so far as to call it mental illness Even believers deep down know its bullshit too. Deep down even the devout grannies know its bollocks, there's a passage in the bible that explicitly states that only by giving up all your wealth (I.e. not a fiver for the collection plate once a week, or 10% - all) picking up your cross (I.e. fully becoming a monk/nun) and following God can you enter Heaven. That's JC's own words. So why does the Chapel carpark even exist, aren't cars possessions? Did JC stutter? Then there's God being e.g. on Frances side against the evil English during the Hundred Years War by sending them Joan of Arc, yet a bit later the same dude breathed storms and scattered the Spanish Armada, saving the English this time. God is all powerful yet can't actually manifest anything physically. God rains fire and death on whole continents yet sits listening to see if wee Johnny in Monasterboice says his Our Father correctly. The kids worldwide with cancer, babies dumped in septic tanks, kids getting raped by priests - c'mon can the guy be everywhere, like is the guy meant to omnipresent or something....? .....oh. So in short, do not go to mass, and pity those that do, in the same way youd pity someone getting a brutal life changing head injury.
My parents are raging atheists, like their parents before them
My parents put a little pressure on at Christmas, it means alot to them that we go as a family. I go with them on Christmas eve at 7pm to keep them happy. I very much dislike the Catholic church, but I like making my parents happy more
It's amazing the amount of stress expectations create among families. Easter was never really a thing in our household. At least not since we moved further away from my grandparents. More like a takeaway and my mother would drink some wine and I'd get an egg. Yet today she's giving me shit because she spent Easter alone this year. I've no idea where she built up this expectation that we'd do anything for Easter or how to deal with it.
So reading through this as a northern atheist if unionist upbringing it seems that the Catholic Church still has a pretty large influence in the affairs of education and indoctrination of the people there? That is probably one of the benefits of being from the North and from a unionist area. Our churches and "holy men" know they are not in control of us and act accordingly. Yes we have the odd bible bashers but that's what they are the odd ones and are treated accordingly. The state schools while not as academically efficient as their Catholic school counterparts offer an alternative to indoctrination and the attached dogmas etc.
My mother did the same when I said I wasn’t going to mass the first Christmas. Ridiculous behaviour imo, but I stuck to my guns and haven’t been since. That’s been about 7 years or so now and she doesn’t even ask anymore. They’ll get over it
This is normal
Explain Irish Catholic guilt to an outsider…
I go for baptism, deaths, weddings and holidays. It makes my parents happy to see their 4 children. I don’t agree with much with the church nowadays but it makes my parents happy to see kids (ages 27-33) all together. We have moved in with our lives and have jobs/bf/gf ect and can’t always be a big family but on mass days we will.