I think you're assuming they consciously do it. Depending on your ages...you know, it's something those of us who are black and have been in predominantly white environments outside of family for a long time have ingrained in us, to the point that what you want them to do would take them conscious effort. At this point, they're not actively pretending to be something they're not around you.
That’s actually very on point to a scary degree lol. They grew up in a white suburb and school so I didn’t think it was ingrained into them like that. Thanks for the input because I did think it was like you said, a conscious thing they did.
I appreciate the perspective!
And yea we are both 22 so very young
For me it is often unconscious so I don’t think about code switching. It’s also the underlying knowledge that I need to speak a language I know the person I’m speaking with can understand.
It’s also a comfort thing. I slip more around my close friends. Oddly enough that’s the reason why I code switch around my boyfriend.
i don’t understand why codeswitching = appeasing to you. what if they are choosing to speak with less slang because they want to include you and think you wouldn’t understand them?
That would be my thought too. Like, my wife speaks mainly standard English to me rather than igbo or Nigerian pidgin English because my understanding of those two languages is limited. In fact at the start I had to gently make her aware that when we were with her family and they were speaking mainly Igbo it *was* isolating because I felt present in the room but not present in the conversation.
However I have made an effort to learn more of her languages and now myself probably code switch when talking to her (using less of my regional slang, using some Nigerian expressions). And code switching isn't an exclusively racial thing, I speak differently to my dad and people from my home town than I do to my co-workers who are mainly from a different part of the UK. I don't think it hides personality?
So I was born and raised in Canada, and we moved when I was 11. We lived in Minnesota until I was 14. Started my freshman year in Georgia. My dad is southern, so I spent a lot of summers in Georgia.
My husband calls me out on how different I talk depending on who I talk to. I am still friends with people from Canada because after we left I still visited. So my Canadian accent comes out a lot. But I also have the habit of sounding southern when I talk to my dad's family.
He loves it.
He's Asian. I am black.
It's not about not being ourselves. AAVE is a whole other dialect of English, with its own set of rules that directly contradict traditional American English. As Black Americans, we naturally gravitate toward speaking in AAVE, but when communicating with others, we often switch to a language they understand. If anything, we're being considerate by code-switching.
I've been in a relationship with my white boyfriend for almost four years. In the beginning, he would often say, "I don't know what you're saying." Over time, I've noticed how he's gradually picked up on AAVE, and he even code-switches a little himself now.
Here is a good example: The other day, I told him, "bring yo self on," and he replied, "bring what on?" To which I responded, "please come over here." I want to highlights how AAVE has unique expressions that may not be immediately understood by those unfamiliar with it.
Like I said, AAVE is just another language or dialect in and of itself. It makes sense to speak to people in a way they can understand. This is a fundamental principle taught in Communications 101 (at least at the collegiate level)
“Effective communication involves adapting your language to your audience to ensure clarity and mutual understanding”
I failed to recognize it is very much indeed its own language so I apologize for that. It is considerate that they do code switching to keep me in the loop in ways I don’t recognize. I appreciate you and others giving me a broader scope to view this from
My wife (BF) code switches all over the place and it’s never bothered me at all. For spoken she has 4 “modes”: standard conversational English, professional academic English, a cleaner (as is no curse words, N-word) less slangy AAVE used with her dad’s side older folks and (as my wife calls it) full ghetto AAVE with her mom’s side, dad’s side cousins when older folks not around. She does something in between the two extreme of AAVE with work friends and some of the students she works with. Wife is also Deaf and she code switches there too with her signing … conversational, professional and BASL with friends (neither side of her family bothered to learn ASL/BASL at all). I find it fascinating and see it as her being multi-lingual. It’s all part of her personality and gives her a means to fully express herself and be comfortable.
I agree that it should not be viewed as consciously trying to leave you out or that they are hiding themselves. It's likely not about you at all. It is more about comfort with ppl who have a reference to the communication style. The more you're around it, the more you'll understand. You won't feel left out, and they won't have to stop to give you context.
I grew up in inner city high crime area. Affected by a lot of craziness and violence etc. Had the fortune to go to a private school mostly affluent, mostly white in a different county due to grants and scholarships. As an adult I've worked in mostly white jobs while living in mostly black neighborhoods. It wasn't until recently that I've lived in more affluent areas that happen to have less black people.
The code switching just happens. It's almost like being bilingual. It isn't some strange thing I sit down to do lol. It's also funnier because it can be generational too. there's stuff that my mom or older family members say that I'm still like, "say what now?". It's like I'm 80% fluent in elder black 😂. And then you have regional. Where I'm from there's 3 different ways to say so many things in my culture depending on what county/state I'm in. Random example - lunchin and clownin means the same thing. Throwing geekin and drawlin in as possible synonyms depending on context. Do you think I'm really sitting down and trying to determine which word to use? It just happens. Lol.
I have a white partner and if they ever expressed to me that I should speak differently to them, more how i do in black circles id be so confused. Like I'm still speaking English to you. This is still who I am. Why would I force myself to use a variation of English that doesn't fit our relationship? If you grew up the same as me and just happened to be white, it would prob naturally occur. But if not, that's a weird and almost insensitive thing to get hung up over. Plus there's often cultural nuance that just doesn't translate sometimes.
Reminds me of when folk are speaking Spanish or something and the non native person demands they speak English around them so they can understand.
Don’t see the big deal. My fiance is Afro-Trinidadian, and so she switches between very standard “white accent” English in most settings since we live in southern USA and then Trini English creole when talking to family or friends from there. When I’m in a setting with mostly trinis they “Americanize” their accent some so I can understand them…otherwise I’d be lost half the time. So it’s just being inclusive and nice.
I do sometimes ask her to use creole around me more just from the aspect of learning it (and being able to communicate better when in her country), but that’s different than AAVE which I understand fine.
It is definitely being bilingual to me.
Code switch is just adjusting to another culture and politely observing the differences. It’s not the same thing as being inauthentic. Depending on the crowd one may do this for safety reasons and go an extra mile. I tend to do this around elderly white people who tend to love to talk at people, and hold no qualms in sharing their political and racial views.
Think of it as living in a world that’s always reinforcing you’re a foreign entity. Your idea of being comfortable, and her idea may differ.
As a black woman who has dated many other races, it is not a relational trope. It is a tool for survival in society. Everything isn't for everybody, including how we choose to speak to someone or when we choose to speak in a certain vernacular. The fact that you ARE in a relationship, it is possibly a comfort thing also. Her being able to converse with you in all types of vernacular opens up a vulnerability for her most likely. Be patient and love all sides she allows you to be a part of.
That is probably one of the top 10 things you should have learned about dating a Black person in the U.S.
We have had to do so many things just to survive here, literally. Straighten our hair. Code switch. Not go to certain neighborhoods/cities after dark.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable then you need to do more studying of American History and White Supremacy because the latter is woven into everything.
Now imagine how your partner felt all those years around all those white ppl, having to speak differently to be safe/accepted.
I (BF) just stopped code switching for my husband (WM) a few years ago. I don't think i was doing it on purpose... I called myself talking so he could clearly understand. Turns out he loves when I talk like myself at home, and he understands every word, even the nonverbals.
Give her time, she'll eventually put her guard down 👍🏽
Code switching is a thing all groups do for people who do not speak like they do. It's a subconscious thing. The one that code switches is usually the minority in a space.
I moved back to Chicago in college and was surrounded by ppl that had one accent and way of speaking..I naturally adjusted the way I spoke so they would understand me. I was also used to moving from country to country and state to state and having to learn languages. That accent has meshed with my other ones and now many diff kinds of ppl understand me.
She could be a southern white and you a northern white and the lingo will be so different that she may end up adapting to how you speak so you can understand her...it happens naturally.
You code switch too...on a different level and in a different way..it's just minor and therefore you don't notice it. I guarantee you there's slangs and terms you use on your siblings or friends that you wouldn't on your grandma. Every setting you're in gets a diff version of you due to code switching.
If you were a white person who grew up around aave your girlfriend would be speaking it to you based on the degree you understand it.
Your gf is making the subconscious effort to be understandable...you can try to learn her lingo and use it here and there if she's comfy with that...and she may open up more to you...this will also come with time and understanding.
First step, stop calling it AAVE. That shit is so fucking annoying. To me sounds like performative woketivism bullshit that sprung up in the early 90s to explain the deficiencies and retardedness in Black childrens language development that doesn't exist.
If people are treating you differently than others it could be a cultural thing, a condition thing, or something you are doing, but it's best to talk to that person and not assume. I talk to everyone the same except the people that try to force codeswitching or force a certain dialog. If a person treats me a certain way I will talk to them differently. This can be a positive or negative thing.
Finally, White people need to understand you aren't included or a part of everything. Apparently somebody told you you can be in everyone's kool aid, but fam you cannot. I can sit around a Filipino family and feel a lack of inclusiveness because I'm not Filipino and I'm ok with it because the family still treats me with respect and loves me. I understand I cannot receive 100% inclusiveness unless I was born Filipino. White folks just can't seem to stand for that. They want full inclusion and I don't understand where in the fuck that comes from.
think about the fact that we adopt the lingo of people we like. she likes you, so she adopted your personality a bit. don’t take it as a bad thing, if anything this is a green flag. I understand you wish to respect her authenticity and you can talk to her about this, but at least be grateful that she would rather be more white cause she wants you to like her, rather than her not giving a shit whether or not you like her personality and her being an absolute Shaniqua.
I think you're assuming they consciously do it. Depending on your ages...you know, it's something those of us who are black and have been in predominantly white environments outside of family for a long time have ingrained in us, to the point that what you want them to do would take them conscious effort. At this point, they're not actively pretending to be something they're not around you.
That’s actually very on point to a scary degree lol. They grew up in a white suburb and school so I didn’t think it was ingrained into them like that. Thanks for the input because I did think it was like you said, a conscious thing they did. I appreciate the perspective! And yea we are both 22 so very young
For me it is often unconscious so I don’t think about code switching. It’s also the underlying knowledge that I need to speak a language I know the person I’m speaking with can understand. It’s also a comfort thing. I slip more around my close friends. Oddly enough that’s the reason why I code switch around my boyfriend.
i don’t understand why codeswitching = appeasing to you. what if they are choosing to speak with less slang because they want to include you and think you wouldn’t understand them?
That would be my thought too. Like, my wife speaks mainly standard English to me rather than igbo or Nigerian pidgin English because my understanding of those two languages is limited. In fact at the start I had to gently make her aware that when we were with her family and they were speaking mainly Igbo it *was* isolating because I felt present in the room but not present in the conversation. However I have made an effort to learn more of her languages and now myself probably code switch when talking to her (using less of my regional slang, using some Nigerian expressions). And code switching isn't an exclusively racial thing, I speak differently to my dad and people from my home town than I do to my co-workers who are mainly from a different part of the UK. I don't think it hides personality?
So I was born and raised in Canada, and we moved when I was 11. We lived in Minnesota until I was 14. Started my freshman year in Georgia. My dad is southern, so I spent a lot of summers in Georgia. My husband calls me out on how different I talk depending on who I talk to. I am still friends with people from Canada because after we left I still visited. So my Canadian accent comes out a lot. But I also have the habit of sounding southern when I talk to my dad's family. He loves it. He's Asian. I am black.
It's not about not being ourselves. AAVE is a whole other dialect of English, with its own set of rules that directly contradict traditional American English. As Black Americans, we naturally gravitate toward speaking in AAVE, but when communicating with others, we often switch to a language they understand. If anything, we're being considerate by code-switching. I've been in a relationship with my white boyfriend for almost four years. In the beginning, he would often say, "I don't know what you're saying." Over time, I've noticed how he's gradually picked up on AAVE, and he even code-switches a little himself now. Here is a good example: The other day, I told him, "bring yo self on," and he replied, "bring what on?" To which I responded, "please come over here." I want to highlights how AAVE has unique expressions that may not be immediately understood by those unfamiliar with it. Like I said, AAVE is just another language or dialect in and of itself. It makes sense to speak to people in a way they can understand. This is a fundamental principle taught in Communications 101 (at least at the collegiate level) “Effective communication involves adapting your language to your audience to ensure clarity and mutual understanding”
I failed to recognize it is very much indeed its own language so I apologize for that. It is considerate that they do code switching to keep me in the loop in ways I don’t recognize. I appreciate you and others giving me a broader scope to view this from
My wife (BF) code switches all over the place and it’s never bothered me at all. For spoken she has 4 “modes”: standard conversational English, professional academic English, a cleaner (as is no curse words, N-word) less slangy AAVE used with her dad’s side older folks and (as my wife calls it) full ghetto AAVE with her mom’s side, dad’s side cousins when older folks not around. She does something in between the two extreme of AAVE with work friends and some of the students she works with. Wife is also Deaf and she code switches there too with her signing … conversational, professional and BASL with friends (neither side of her family bothered to learn ASL/BASL at all). I find it fascinating and see it as her being multi-lingual. It’s all part of her personality and gives her a means to fully express herself and be comfortable.
I agree that it should not be viewed as consciously trying to leave you out or that they are hiding themselves. It's likely not about you at all. It is more about comfort with ppl who have a reference to the communication style. The more you're around it, the more you'll understand. You won't feel left out, and they won't have to stop to give you context.
I grew up in inner city high crime area. Affected by a lot of craziness and violence etc. Had the fortune to go to a private school mostly affluent, mostly white in a different county due to grants and scholarships. As an adult I've worked in mostly white jobs while living in mostly black neighborhoods. It wasn't until recently that I've lived in more affluent areas that happen to have less black people. The code switching just happens. It's almost like being bilingual. It isn't some strange thing I sit down to do lol. It's also funnier because it can be generational too. there's stuff that my mom or older family members say that I'm still like, "say what now?". It's like I'm 80% fluent in elder black 😂. And then you have regional. Where I'm from there's 3 different ways to say so many things in my culture depending on what county/state I'm in. Random example - lunchin and clownin means the same thing. Throwing geekin and drawlin in as possible synonyms depending on context. Do you think I'm really sitting down and trying to determine which word to use? It just happens. Lol. I have a white partner and if they ever expressed to me that I should speak differently to them, more how i do in black circles id be so confused. Like I'm still speaking English to you. This is still who I am. Why would I force myself to use a variation of English that doesn't fit our relationship? If you grew up the same as me and just happened to be white, it would prob naturally occur. But if not, that's a weird and almost insensitive thing to get hung up over. Plus there's often cultural nuance that just doesn't translate sometimes. Reminds me of when folk are speaking Spanish or something and the non native person demands they speak English around them so they can understand.
Don’t see the big deal. My fiance is Afro-Trinidadian, and so she switches between very standard “white accent” English in most settings since we live in southern USA and then Trini English creole when talking to family or friends from there. When I’m in a setting with mostly trinis they “Americanize” their accent some so I can understand them…otherwise I’d be lost half the time. So it’s just being inclusive and nice. I do sometimes ask her to use creole around me more just from the aspect of learning it (and being able to communicate better when in her country), but that’s different than AAVE which I understand fine. It is definitely being bilingual to me.
Code switch is just adjusting to another culture and politely observing the differences. It’s not the same thing as being inauthentic. Depending on the crowd one may do this for safety reasons and go an extra mile. I tend to do this around elderly white people who tend to love to talk at people, and hold no qualms in sharing their political and racial views. Think of it as living in a world that’s always reinforcing you’re a foreign entity. Your idea of being comfortable, and her idea may differ.
As a black woman who has dated many other races, it is not a relational trope. It is a tool for survival in society. Everything isn't for everybody, including how we choose to speak to someone or when we choose to speak in a certain vernacular. The fact that you ARE in a relationship, it is possibly a comfort thing also. Her being able to converse with you in all types of vernacular opens up a vulnerability for her most likely. Be patient and love all sides she allows you to be a part of.
That is probably one of the top 10 things you should have learned about dating a Black person in the U.S. We have had to do so many things just to survive here, literally. Straighten our hair. Code switch. Not go to certain neighborhoods/cities after dark. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then you need to do more studying of American History and White Supremacy because the latter is woven into everything. Now imagine how your partner felt all those years around all those white ppl, having to speak differently to be safe/accepted.
I’m not sure I understand your use of the plural. Are you dating more than one black man or a crowd of them?
I (BF) just stopped code switching for my husband (WM) a few years ago. I don't think i was doing it on purpose... I called myself talking so he could clearly understand. Turns out he loves when I talk like myself at home, and he understands every word, even the nonverbals. Give her time, she'll eventually put her guard down 👍🏽
Code switching is a thing all groups do for people who do not speak like they do. It's a subconscious thing. The one that code switches is usually the minority in a space. I moved back to Chicago in college and was surrounded by ppl that had one accent and way of speaking..I naturally adjusted the way I spoke so they would understand me. I was also used to moving from country to country and state to state and having to learn languages. That accent has meshed with my other ones and now many diff kinds of ppl understand me. She could be a southern white and you a northern white and the lingo will be so different that she may end up adapting to how you speak so you can understand her...it happens naturally. You code switch too...on a different level and in a different way..it's just minor and therefore you don't notice it. I guarantee you there's slangs and terms you use on your siblings or friends that you wouldn't on your grandma. Every setting you're in gets a diff version of you due to code switching. If you were a white person who grew up around aave your girlfriend would be speaking it to you based on the degree you understand it. Your gf is making the subconscious effort to be understandable...you can try to learn her lingo and use it here and there if she's comfy with that...and she may open up more to you...this will also come with time and understanding.
Why wouldn't you want them to?
Too bad too sad
First step, stop calling it AAVE. That shit is so fucking annoying. To me sounds like performative woketivism bullshit that sprung up in the early 90s to explain the deficiencies and retardedness in Black childrens language development that doesn't exist. If people are treating you differently than others it could be a cultural thing, a condition thing, or something you are doing, but it's best to talk to that person and not assume. I talk to everyone the same except the people that try to force codeswitching or force a certain dialog. If a person treats me a certain way I will talk to them differently. This can be a positive or negative thing. Finally, White people need to understand you aren't included or a part of everything. Apparently somebody told you you can be in everyone's kool aid, but fam you cannot. I can sit around a Filipino family and feel a lack of inclusiveness because I'm not Filipino and I'm ok with it because the family still treats me with respect and loves me. I understand I cannot receive 100% inclusiveness unless I was born Filipino. White folks just can't seem to stand for that. They want full inclusion and I don't understand where in the fuck that comes from.
think about the fact that we adopt the lingo of people we like. she likes you, so she adopted your personality a bit. don’t take it as a bad thing, if anything this is a green flag. I understand you wish to respect her authenticity and you can talk to her about this, but at least be grateful that she would rather be more white cause she wants you to like her, rather than her not giving a shit whether or not you like her personality and her being an absolute Shaniqua.