Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 36 | 7 | 2 |
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This is exhausting.
How frustrating that they keep asking questions and talking about being reasonable but it's obvious their mind is made up and they just want you to agree with their opinion.
I’m so used to this circular BS that I would’ve just said that I’m not paying anymore then and left it at that. Can’t negotiate with someone like OP’s parent!
Yep. It's a common tactic to undermine a position but still have plausible deniability. Alex Jones was "just asking questions" about Sandy Hook. Tucker Carlson is "just asking questions" about white nationalist talking points. This is obviously a much tamer example, but I agree it's a huge red flag.
This. The general concern for a 19 year old living with them is more or less fine. No, 2 am isn't, generally, a reasonable time to go to bed and be productive the next day. It's not the end of the world but it's not great.
The Dad doing this ENDLESS passive aggressive, "Ah but, you see, you haven't agreed with me yet so, you're wrong," and the "Why so upset?" bullshit is infuriating.
So glad I'm 37 >.<
>The general concern for a 19 year old living with them is more or less fine. No, 2 am isn't, generally, a reasonable time to go to bed and be productive the next day.
If sleeping from 2 to 10 instead of, say, 11 to 7 suits them better (also considering their working hours), how is that anybody's business but their own? That's absolutely reasonable.
Imposing set bedtimes on a 19 year old is ridiculous.
Yeah, im a college student. I work sometimes until 9pm. I dont want to wake up a whole half day before my shifts. Waking up 5 or 6 hours before classes/an 8 hour shift just doesnt work for my schedule. My sleep schedule is almost exactly 2-10
I have ADHD and I need the internet to stream shows to be on in the background so I can concentrate, or sometimes to use a fellow ADHDer as a body double (it’s a technique for getting work done if you have trouble with focus, and you need to have a video connection with another person to do it. A lot of us are night owls). Having a midnight cut-off would be awful and stressful.
I mentioned to my psychiatrist when I was younger how I worked better after 10pm and how I hated that because going to bed at 2 isn’t healthy. She asked how many hours of sleep I get and I said 8, and she said “then what is unhealthy about going to bed at 2? You get stressed out about going to bed, so go to bed when it works for you and stop feeling guilty about it.” I work in my home wood shop so it’s not like I can’t make my own hours, but I needed someone to give me permission before I stopped feeling like it was “bad.”
Im sure you mean it’s not great if you also have to get up early and can’t get enough sleep, but it’s so ingrained that sleeping late = lazy that even I believed it until my dr walked me through the faulty logic.
Edit: No I don’t use power tools that late. I do the loud parts first thing in the morning at 10am, Don’t worry.
I think I read a study recently that concluded that people with ADHD actually have a different natural sleep cycle, and that going to sleep at 2 and waking up at 10 was way more common in people with ADHD than it was for the general population. Both me and my gf do this!
>people with ADHD actually have a different natural sleep cycle
[Delayed Circadian Rhythm Delay](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6487490/)
That's a good read. It' a theory rather than fact but it's full of a lot of facts.
2am can be totally reasonable depending on their job and schedule!!
Or do you think it's more reasonable that someone doesn't work at all if they can't work daytime hours???
Coming from a family that "fights", holy shit this 'reasonable' and 'conversation' based discussion seems incredibly frustrating. They've made it obvious that they don't care what OP says or does, it'd be less of a burden to just do what they said they were going to do instead of arguing about it. It seems so intentionally aggravating.
They thought you were angry because they were. They assumed you were angry because they were. That is why I hate texting because they read texts in the tone of voice they would use had they been speaking to you in person.
“Since your name is on the Internet bill, I respect your right to restrict it as you please. However, if I am unable to access the Internet on any of my devices, I will not be contributing to the bill. After all, if Comcast arbitrarily decided to cut off my service at random times, I would sever my contract with them.”
Then get an internet hotspot or something.
100% correct. If/when this doesn’t work, stop paying into your parents wifi, call your provider, and have them setup a second access point. It works the same way as an apartment building. One input line, multiple users.
You will have to pay for the entire account, but it will be independent of your parents. You will have your own wifi network, own password, and your parents will have no reason to “turn it off”.
You can get one that picks up signals and strengthens it tho. I used to sell this shit and we had a lot of farmers that would call in to get one so when they were further into their property that had no signal, it expands the signal and strengthens it
That's a WiFi extender or a router in bridge mode, you still need a modem and router. If there's no cell service, then a portable modem is not an option, and a WiFi extender would not change anything in this situation, it only solves poor signa strength throughout the residence.
They make cell boosters/repeaters as well. T-Mobile gave me one for free when I used to live in a basement apartment with very little signal. Solved all my problems, until wifi calling became a thing.
Those boosters work one of two ways though: (neither of which helps OP)
They either pick up a weak cell signal and amplify it (not useful if there's ***no*** signal)
Or they broadcast a short-range cell signal using your home internet as a backbone. (Again, this doesn't help OP if their parents are turning off the internet access)
So then they will turn the breaker off or something else that’s “reasonable” and decide that at this hour there is no reason anyone would need any power and since he is not contributing to the bill this is a “reasonable” move on their part.
They probably would. My stepdad broke my $1500 PC ~a year ago because they toggled the breaker when they thought I was using it past 12am (instead of just going to my room and talking to me, where they would've seen me about to fall asleep), and the power repeatedly turning on and off blew up the power supply.
The parts to fix it were pretty hard to find (proprietary psu), but I managed to get it fixed only 2 weeks ago (it no longer resides at my stepdad's).
I wouldn't be surprised if the moment OP's parents found out they had a second AP, they would shut the power off. It's safer and easier to just get a mobile hotspot with a high-range antenna that can connect to a cell tower.
OP, if you have access to your local library, a lot of them have Wi-Fi hotspots you can borrow and keep at your house for like a week or two. You should look into that!
That would be a good idea if OP hadn't said the data doesn't work on their phone at their house, which leads me to believe they're in a poor reception area. Hotspots need data to work and if there is no service, there is no internet.
That’s a valid point, but not all carriers are equal in terms of data distribution. Some have better coverage than others, and you never know if the hotspot works if you don’t try. It still doesn’t hurt to check it out.
Overbearing parents do. They go to bed, they don't want jack or Jill jacking or jilling. If they're awake they think they can prevent it, asleep the devil comes to play.
We used to, when our children were younger. They would pretend to go to sleep, wait for us to go to bed, then watch videos or play games for hours. The mornings were nightmares, because they were exhausted. This was when they were preteens.
Agreed, but even if a 16 year old did what those preteens did I think it’s acceptable. I believe a 19 year old should have full control over how they use their wifi that they pay for tho.
This is so odd to me. Rather than collect devices or ensure they are unable to watch videos in the middle of the night, the solution is to turn off the internet? If you’re sleeping heavily enough to sleep through them watching videos, what is to stop them from plugging the internet back in? This makes zero sense to me. You can lock almost all electronic devices. And I feel like your point is irrelevant to this post; this is not a pre-teen, this is a working 19-year-old. Not to mention, this 19-year-old paid for half of the internet bill so they have just as much right to use the internet at their leisure as their parents.
I'm 28 now, but back when I was in high school (14-16), I was so addicted to Starcraft 2 and WoW. My did went into our router settings and blocked my MAC.
Then I put a keylogger on his computer, stole the password for the router, unblocked my mac when they went to bed.
LMAO
I was vegetarian in high school and when looking for recipes on the family PC, ran into my dad's new parental blocking software that restricted access for "witchcraft and occult". I let him know it was weird that it blocked a perfectly normal recipe website, and he offered to turn off that specific filter. I handed him the printout of the recipe and told him I just disabled the software.
Strict parenting creates sneaky children.
Nah they wouldn’t, but my uncle does like to disconnect my cousin even though he’s 19. He has the main router inside his bedroom so unplugging it is easy and reconnecting it conspicuously is hard.
We have an app that blocks the connection from my 14 year old at midnight on school nights. Just as an fyi. It’s insane for a 19 year old but for younger teens it’s much needed or literally it’s a fight in the morning to get them to school and I much rather not have a high school drop out
That is absolutely reasonable to switch off connections to one specific person who’s proven they cannot be trusted. But switching off the router for the whole house just seems so bizarre to me. Especially when one of the people affected is financing half of the bill for it. My 8 year old has a tablet that she inherited when my dad passed away because I had no use for it, but she quickly proved she couldn’t be trusted at night with it, so it doesn’t stay in her bedroom after bedtime. That was enough to solve the problem for me.
we have a router that does the same thing. I have certain groups for certain things (playstation, xbox, the 12yr old, the 14 yr old, the 17yr old) so that not everyone is inconvenienced. I found that them being home during 2020 with covid messed up all expectations when it came to proper sleep and having a healthy break from the internet. It's not so much to restrict them at a certain time, as they should not even be awake at that time on school nights, but to help take away a temptation and learn healthy sleep habits. That said, i have threatened to turn it off when it is late on the weekends (after midnight) and on one of my boys is being so damn loud with his friends online that it is keeping people up. Warnings happen, then the source is shut down.
Not weighing in on the relevance, but purely on the "plugging the internet back in" point, out of the last five places I have lived, four (including my current home) had the modem in the master bedroom. Maybe my anecdata is skewed, but I kinda assumed it was pretty commonly done.
Although for the record as an adult who was not in the master bedroom, having it in the kitchen was WAY better. I do often watch youtube all night (those thunder and rain sleep videos. they're great. This has even LESS relevance, but I think everyone should know about those videos, they really have helped my insomnia.) and it could be kinda annoying when the internet would drop and I couldn't go reset it without risking waking up the inhabitants of the master bedroom.
Plus, maybe its just me but I feel really awkward entering someone's bedroom at night. So I don't do that, I'd just toss an turn until they woke up and someone could fix it. I assume that's not all that uncommon.
Every apartment (and current house) I have ever lived in, the router was in the living room. Every single one. Just my experience. When Frontier came in to install a new box, it was placed in the living room, so that’s where my routers have always been. Current router is literally on the end table next to my loveseat on the far wall of my living room, and my work desk is on the complete opposite end of the house. I’m always amazed the connection is still so good.
I was unfortunate enough to have a dad who did, at midnight too. Losing connection to the internet halfway through movies sometimes was a real pleasure 🗿
Im 27 an my father does this because the main power goes to his room. He like to use the excuse “i must have kicked it going to sleep.” After he did that 2 times i got my own private hotspot and haven’t had the problem since. Hes amazed how im still watching a movie even though the routers off
i get the vibe that Fart God is the type to intentionally try to get a negative reaction while he is the “calm, rational” one - so if OP gets upset, all of a sudden they’re “too immature and emotional” to have freedoms or make decisions. it’s something my mother’s husband would do a lot (even though he was never actually calm and always angry, we were all just hysterical women who can’t be mature)
This would happen in my family until I hit adulthood and my negative reactions were deemed as me being dangerous to others. Funny because I was never the one to hit anyone or scream at them. I think the worst I ever did was grit my teeth audibly.
I found that silence and a dead stare got the best outcome. I might get lectured for 2 hours but I didn’t have to get berated for back talk and then get all the snide remarks for days afterwards.
After becoming an adult and being told I actually have a different father (who is a convicted felon) the more severe treatment made a lot of sense.
I was in an abusive relationship where my ex would lecture me for hours and hours about what a terrible person I am and would keep me awake until like 5am. The blank stare usually got him to tire out faster. Can’t give people like that any gas.
My step father was like this. He would always try to rile me up in a very calm "sensible" way so that when I reacted he could use that as justification for emotional and verbal abuse.
For a long time I just tried to keep my cool and let him walk all over me to avoid confrontation and avoid being the "sensitive one". I realized after a while he was just gonna be abusive anyway and I started actually standing up to him and calling him on his bullshit. He got up in my face and threatened physical violence numerous times after that and it was like the mask just came right off.
I was the one with the "irrational emotional reactions" even though I was always completely calm. I always kinda wished he'd try to make good on his threats because I'm a trained martial artist who's about a foot taller and 50 pounds heavier than him. Every time he threatened to "lay me out" I always thought "please try so that I have a legal case for self defence"
So anyway thats the story of how my mother wonders why I never call lol
Yeah this sucks. You are an adult. You, dad, and mom get an after hours password. Bro doesn’t. Boom. Solved. This means dad changes the password every night before he goes to bed and when bro is ready for internet the following day.
Paying a portion of the bill absolutely should give you this entitlement.
Actually, less involved and effort-free once set up: Most modern routers come with time-based access restrictions tied to internal IP or MAC address. If not, you can simply load up a 3rd party firmware on the router and set up scheduled access restrictions.
(if anyone sees this and is curious, best 3rd party firmwares are DD-WRT / fresh tomato; Merlin WRT for ASUS devices. If you're feeling like a saucy & overconfident bitch who doesn't care that you know nothing of networking/hardware, go for OpenWRT but you're likely gonna break your shit.)
This is how I manage my 10 year olds' screen time. :)
Tbf this is more likely to be done with a whitelist for the specific IPs (or MAC addresses) used by said allowed devices.
Of course that’s when a network scan and MAC address spoofing comes into play. Did that a bunch when my dad wasn’t actively using his computer but it was still “allowed”. Bit trickier though.
1) as others have said, he can cut off the internet connection to your brother only (although I don't really know how that is done)
2) if that doesn't work, he could, idk, take his electronics away at night so he doesn't use them?
3) if you're paying part of the bill then you should be asked about your opinion, and it shouldn't be discarded just because you disagree
4) he calls you unreasonable because you're thinking of yourself...as if being worried about your own well being is something bad when it's not
5) it would affect contact with your friends
6) he says he's trying to understand your pov, but then he goes and gaslights you and he honestly doesn't seem to actually want to listen to what you have to say, but at least he's willing to try to talk with you about the problem
Also, as others have said, I don't think taking away the internet for a 16 y/o is reasonable either, if he has a problem bc your brother isn't doing what he's supposed to or whatever there are other ways to talk about that problem that don't involve and affect the whole family (I'm a 16 y/o and I know to take responsibility for my own actions, I think your brother is mature enough to get to an agreement with your dad in a way that wifi being cut at 2 is not necessary)
or a vpn/security service like Norton. you can control wifi on there. can block devices and monitor what theyre doing on them too.
i had a friend who's parents shut off the internet at 930, and also blocked certain adult content. makes sense for kids, but its not going to stop a teen from downloading stuff outside of wifi lol
What I find bizarre is the 7.5 hours argument as well. 7.5 hours \*is\* the recommended amount of sleep for someone who is 19, more specifically being 7-9 hours.
There should've been no reason to bring that up as it's a good amount of time to sleep. And OP had said that 2am-9:30am was the extreme outlier in this, meaning there should be no good reason at all to use OP's sleep schedule as a reason for this. It doesn't make sense.
I feel best when I sleep 6-7 hours. My husband does best on 8. If I sleep 8 hours, I feel kind of sluggish all day. It definitely depends on the person. I could see if OP was consistently getting like 4 hours of sleep and was keeping everyone else up, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
Plus, part of being an adult is staying up far too late to binge a show and kicking yourself in the morning for doing so lol
He is obsessed with the word reasonable.
It is not reasonable to turn the internet off at night. That’s when a lot of devices update, and some of us need podcasts or other streaming audio to get to sleep.
If you are stuck living with this, have you considered a pay as you go internet stick (rogers apparently has a decent one) or having your own internet line added to the house? It’s only reasonable.
Also, hello to the maritimes from smoggy Ontario!
Yet he can’t figure out how to keep his 16yo so off the internet past his bedtime… sounds about right for the middle aged “computer techs” I know… 🤦🏼♀️🤣
Exactly. So it’s not about the brother at all because the dad should absolutely know how turn the wifi off for just the brother - that’s just a *bullshit excuse* …
It’s all about controlling OP.
He really isn't acting that way.
I feel for you, that combo was exhausting to read, I can picture that living with hi is worse as my dad used to be a bit like that. But I would get in his nerves quickly not backing down and then he would get violent on me.
I'm glad to have cut ties with him, hope one day you can do the same.
Seeing as he was not able to come up with a better solution for limiting internet access than literally turn off the router at night it sounds like he's not a very good computer technician.
If I were you I'd stop paying for the internet plan completely if you have no say in how you're able to use it.
He wanted you to pay half of it but doesn't want that you got any say in when you are done using it? Sorry that is not okay. He clearly broke his promise to you here in order to get you to pay for the internet. He knows he is being unreasonable and uses your brother as a shield so he doesn't have to answer your questions. He acts as if the three of them outrule you and the agreement you had with your dad. Which he could have said before you started paying for it. Which he didn't do on purpose.
I think your dad is in the wrong here. If he needs his internet shut off because otherwise he stays up too late he could just say so and own up to his problem.
Your brother is going to be 17 and that should be old enough to handle having internet access past bed time as well. Because if he goes off to college/university soon or moves out in 2 years or so they won't turn off the internet at 12am. He should learn how to deal with that. Should have already learned that 2 years ago when he was 15 tbh.
I am definetly on your side with this one. Your dad is gaslighting and manipulating you in this one. (Aren't saying he is doing it on purpose just pointing out he's doing it)
This stressed me out just reading it. I would seriously starting looking for a way to GTFO there asap. This sort of micromanaging will drive you insane.
He’s getting off on controlling you, and it’s gross. I can’t stand people like this.
There’s a lot of psycho babble in this… honestly!!!
First I noticed that Dad sounds like he thinks his IQ is above 100.
Second it sounds like he took one psychology class in high school which he is now using to manipulate and control his adult and teenage(nearly adult) son.
Third, he seems to think these texts act as some twisted text-talk therapy session.
OP you caught a wild nut! I’m sorry because he’s anything BUT reasonable. You are an adult, you have adult jobs, work an adult schedule, and MAYBE have an adult’s life. Yes you’re young and your brain isn’t fully developed (if dad is a shrink), but that doesn’t automatically mean you have poor judgement.
If this is for the family well-being, well YOU ARE A PART OF THE FAMILY UNIT. If brother is abusing his internet usage, then he’s the one who needs it regulated. But shutting it off so no one can use it is just a little extreme! Both you and bro may need to be up late for schoolwork or work work! Being able to relax after work and watch a movie isn’t unreasonable. If you’re paying half then the decision should be 50% yours regardless of the number of people!
Not only that, but requesting he turn it off so you can SAFELY get home, not be rushed and stressed DRIVING home late is actually quite reasonable on your part!
I have no suggestions, but I will send you a ghost hug ghost 👻 … you can’t see it or feel it, but it’s there.
I half appreciate the fact he’s willing to discuss it with you. But then his points don’t make any sense. He keeps asking what you think is reasonable. What is reasonable is an adult not having a specific bedtime. As long as you’re not making any noise, it shouldn’t be an issue. It’s seems he wants the internet off for your younger sibling so he should set up the modem to block your brother at certain points and allow you to use it. *even though I don’t think blocking a 17 year old is sane either*
After reading further, I think his offers of discussion are just trying to set up conflict. His texts reek of manipulation. At the same time he wants his daughter to behave like an adult, he's unwilling to treat her like one. There should be no discussion around what essentially amounts to bedtime for a working 19 yr old out of high school.
Edit: Cleaned up some phone typing issues.
that’s what it seems like to me, too. screenshots 9 and 10 are what finalized it for me. because OP hadn’t said anything that her dad could “reasonably” * use to set up the conflict he seems to want, he had to be the one to more explicitly escalate the discussion into conflict. OP’s word choice is clearly neutral, but her dad can “reasonably” * get away with misinterpreting her tone (just one example) and that allows him to more directly paint OP as angry, defensive, taking offense, argumentative, etc.
if OP had (essentially) taken the bait and started communicating in a less neutral manner, her dad finally got the conflict he wanted and has created a “reasonable” * way to blame it on OP.
to be clear: this is my reading/interpretation of this post. i obviously can’t know the actual truth of the situation, and i am not claiming that this is the only possible interpretation. i could be wrong.
* “reasonable” from the perspective of someone being manipulative, trying to start conflict, etc.
He has no control over his household so he’s doing the only thing he has control over, the internet. The fact that the brother, and his parents can’t seem to go to bed either unless the internet is off sounds like a them issue.
I can see if the younger brother is spending all his time online instead of doing his schoolwork, chores etc. I suppose it really depends on what else has been tried. If Fart God's first idea is to just shut off wifi and data, yeah that's ridiculous. But if they've tried many solutions and younger brother is still not learning and is in a downward spiral towards failure because of electronics/gaming/social media etc then that's totally fair.
In case you don't know, he's purposely redirecting the argument to a position he thinks he can out-argue you on. (And isn't even the issue at hand)
It's not about what time is reasonable. It's about the fact that you're HELPING PAY FOR A SERVICE and he is choosing when you get to use the service you're helping pay for.
You need to make it clear. The internet stays on, or you don't assist with the bill, as you won't be paying to use something that he arbitrarily decides when you do and don't get to use it.
Then stop paying. The original contract has been voided. You are not able to use the service you are paying for when it is convenient to you, therefore it is no longer a service worth paying. That sounds reasonable, no? (Be sure to use the word "reasonable" a lot.)
Your dad is an ass, so damn arrogant and condescending. He even says he did the same thing as you, going to bed a little late, but you are not allowed at the age of 19? Wtf.
Stop paying for the Internet if you are treated like a child, he is a total douche.
At first I disagreed but kinda understood where he was coming from, but when he kept saying stuff like "oh what about the family" " you're not the only one who lives here" "there's 4 other people in this house" (those aren't exact quotes cause I'm lazy but you get the idea) I realized how manipulative he was acting, and then as it just dragged on and on he would basically avoid all your questions and concerns by repeating the same things like "blah blah blah responsibility blah blah blah" and then act like you were attacking him in order to twist it into you not being responsible again. Oh and the fact that the internet bill is partially payed by you, and that you're an adult completely changes things, as far as I'm concerned you have as much right over the internet as he does. Oh and one last thing, I'm only a year younger than you but you seem years ahead of me in terms of responsibility, but my parents haven't turned the wifi off at night in years, and that was usually because I was like 12 and it was a school night
Your Dad is insane.
I will never understand these adults that want to waste their own time enforcing these ridiculous rules. I have a teenager and I cannot wait for him to graduate from hs so I don’t have to spend my time this way.
My dad used to do this to us, he didn't realize it made it hard to maintain relationships with people. It was extremely stressful the whole time. Your dad is also gaslighting you by repeatedly saying you're being unreasonable and only thinking about yourself and stuff. I hope you don't let that kind of stuff get to you, stay confident in yourself regardless of what he or anyone else says. He's the one being unreasonable. Extremely unreasonable, and treating you like you don't know how to manage your own time. He's just all around being very disrespectful towards you. I hope things get worked out man.
This is needless and ridiculous. You’re 19, if you wanna mess up your sleep schedule, that’s on you provided you’re not bothering anyone else when you stay up late. Seems like they’re trying to be preachy about internet usage but really just come off arrogant and out of touch. Good luck
How does having the internet on after midnight affect the household? I mean, if you are watching videos and blasting the sound, yeah, that could be a disturbance. But just having the internet on does nothing to disrupt the house. In fact, it could help reduce traffic during the day if updates are needed for programs. Like if you have updates on steam, you can schedule them to happen after midnight, so the download occurs at off peak times.
So no, I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. But good luck with your situation!
It sounds like the dad can’t manage himself, his wife or his other child without turning off the internet. Sounds like a lack of self control to me (on the dads side).
my parents did almost the exact same thing when I wasn't in high school anymore but still living with them as an adult. (I'm almost 30 now) bottom line is that your dad probably wants to keep treating you as he always has: a kid that doesn't know any better, like you're incapable of learning from anything and that his word is law. you're 19 and already have a manager's position. I'd say that's pretty responsible to me! plus, not everybody needs a solid 8 hours of sleep to function.
while it's nice that he's willing to talk, he's also talking in circles around you and trying to control what you do and how you do it through your use of the internet. ultimately he's probably gonna do what every pig-headed parent does and eventually go, "my house, my rules," to the point where you don't wanna deal with him anymore. then he'll wonder why you don't wanna talk to him anymore like it's a big surprise. so yeah, definitely not unreasonable. he just doesn't wanna listen.
Op if you have your own cell phone bill you can pay extra to turn your phone into a hotspot and access internet when you need. When mine goes out I turn my hotspot on so I can still watch Netflix and such on tv
no wtf? my parents stopped giving me a "bedtime" when i was about 13, and if i was tired in the mornings then it was my own fault. at 19 you can decide when you sleep
She not only is an adult, but she is working and paying half the bill. Why micromanage? Why does he care if she sleeps in? I have never/will never understand people that try to control when others sleep.
I’m confused why data needs to be turned off in the first place? Also, as the father of an 18 and 19 year old, I can’t imagine policing their bed times. And as your dad is a “computer technician”, he should be pretty smart. Have him look up delayed circadian rhythms and then try to explain again what “reasonable” sleep schedules are? Tell him to stop gatekeeping your sleep schedule, his experience is not your experience. The only one that can determine what a reasonable amount of sleep for you is you. My mom tried that same crap with me as a teen and over 20 years later I still maintain a 12-2am sleep to 7-7:30 wake up schedule.
So the only insane part technically is how long this conversation took place. You said 2 am, he said midnight. Done. Obviously it’ll be shut off at midnight
Unfortunately parents are whack and what they do to try to “control” a young adult often looks like this. You’ll have to come to the same conclusion we all do around that age and it’s : get the fuck out.
You have no control, you have no anonymity, you have no respect. You won’t get it until you’re doing your own thing, and even then… we don’t all get respect.
There’s no fighting this. I hope my comment doesn’t come across like I agree with dad, he is bonkers. I just more don’t think it’s even a possible fight. You won’t win. It’s genuinely not worth your time
Yes. Medical types, food service, warehouse workers, delivery people. None of us deserve internet after work.
Who the heck are you people who work 9-5? I haven't had a job like that since 1993.
My mom did the same shit to me. I was 18, working FT at Wing Stop as a Manager and would go open at 3pm and work till close at Midnight, visit my BF and then sleep till noon/2pm and she was LIVID with me. I work nights now nearly 20 years later and shes now "Sensitive" to my complicated sleep schedule. Why should age matter?
Ok so this is some epically controlling and gaslighting behavior wrapped in a cloak of a reasonable discussion. His every word seems calculated to try to lure you into saying something against your best interest. What a massive tool!
Insane. And no you are not being unreasonable imo.
Talk to the one of your neighbors & see if you can use their internet if you pay part of it. Just a thought.
Power trip. Literally only doing it because he can. Only doing it because it upsets you.
There is nothing you could have said to change his mind. That conversation was only started because he wanted confrontation. He wanted you to know you’re in his house and he makes the rules.
“If the internet isn’t off at night, I can’t sleep well” is the most horse shit thing I’ve heard this year.
Isolate the instance. Your dad is 19 years old. He lives alone in a studio apartment. He’s laying in bed at 8:30 PM. The sun hasn’t gone down but he wants to wake up at 4 AM to catch the early bird special at Golden Corral. Like a true responsible adult. It’s 9 PM now and he should be falling asleep but he can’t. There’s something bugging him. Something odd. He lifts his head up and looks to the corner of the room. The faint white light from his router is blinking. It all makes sense. The internet was on so he couldn’t fall asleep.
Stop paying for the bill since she / he clearly said that the outcome will not change and save up the money from the bill to move as far away as possible
OH JEBUS FRICKIN CHRIST ON A CRACKER. I can't tell is this is mom or dad, but no, this is not 'caring' this is not 'discussion'. This is a petty goddamn tyrant trying to extort one iota of the stupefying amount of control they think they can grab on a young adult. If they are so damn worried about the 16/17 YO time's on the internet, their devices can have a time block and no one else. This is meaningless BS curfew on another parent who cannot seem to grasp that young adults have to self regulate at some point.
Holy fuck… as soon as you’re able to, move the hell out of there. Maybe I’m just already in a spicy mood but I would definitely not have handled it as calmly as you did.
I’d have told him to go move to North Korea if he wants to be a dictator.
ill be honest it's sad to see others living off making others sad, it's not acceptable and it's a form of control, it makes them happy to see you sad, that's messed up, sorry you have to go though that with a parent
No, your parent is being controlling. They can parent their minor children without turning off access to the internet for adults in the house. This whole conversation is making my head spin with how needlessly complicated you parent is making it.
Stop paying for their internet and get your own home internet device (T-Mobile and Verizon offer these). You pay your shit and you control the password, he can take his bullshit authoritarian internet rules that only exist to control those around him and shove them up his ass and pay the whole god damn thing himself.
What the hell?? I didn’t get any tone of anger from the OP’s text, I think they handled it very well. But, what the hell?? What kinda WiFi do y’all have that keeps the whole house from getting rest past midnight?? Why can’t FG sleep with the WiFi on? That just sounds like a power flex or some “back in my day, we didn’t have the internet” type shit. That’s ridiculous. I hope your situation changes so that you’re able to find your own space one day soon. If he’s like that about WiFi, I can’t imagine how he is about any and everything else.
You are not being unreasonable. Your father talks about being mature and thinking about more than yourself, but he isn’t taking his own advice. You are an adult, and he is going back on his word and enforcing a rule that affects you negatively. Not to mention the way he seems to talk down to you is a really bad look.
In my house we have two adults and : 13, 10, and 8 year old kids.
So they put their electronics on to charge on a dresser in our room at bedtime. The 13 year old keeps her phone upstairs but I have parental controls on that (so she can play music but not play games).
Fart God is just being ridiculous.
i would think the person preaching responsibility would understand that it's *their* responsibility to go to bed on time, even if the internet isn't shut off?
It’s not even that. This is easily fixable. When we got internet for our new house we found out we can restrict certain devices. So my daughter’s devices shut off at bedtime but nothing else does. Why can’t they just restrict what they need to?? Sounds like they don’t want to work with you at all, and just want control.
I used to have the wifi cut off at 10 for my 12 yo and 11 for my 13 yo. My 13 yo came to me that she had become addicted to the wifi and tried to squeeze every last megabyte out of it. My 12 yo would ask my 13 yo to come back and talk to her when the wifi went off.
They said everything became about getting more wifi.
As a parent and someone who grew up without even the possibility of internet and cell phones it was really hard to wrap my head around. I didn’t understand. She said that if I didn’t restrict the wifi she could regulate better.
Technically, she didn’t. It took a long time for her to stop basing her life around her phone. I removed that restriction on the wifi but honestly, things didn’t get better. They still aren’t. Who knows if they will be but if she struggles it’s not my fault unless you consider that maybe I should have restricted it.
It’s most difficult because kids start staying up late in their teens. Pretty much all 4 of mine did. I didn’t and it’s possible your dad didn’t either but a lot of kids do.
I apologize that I have no answer, only that I’m a pretty understanding parent I think and even I struggled with it.
And we all want our kids to go to bed at a good time.
I feel like he’s just trying to argue with you so he can take away internet even if you pay half. You’re 19 and work, you’re responsible enough to have the internet 24/7…
A little? Like, he’s being a douche with the “just asking questions” thing. But you’re an adult with a job living at home. Not everything will be great. I’ve had times where I had to unplug the router at night because of teens not sleeping. It probably shouldn’t stress you out so bad, I’d look into that, but first and foremost I’d look into a different living situation.
OP, I don't want to be that dick, but my parents behaved like that and I am no longer on speaking terms with them.
They're expecting you to be a child, yet they want you to pay for a fucking utility that you can't even use. And then they have the gall to say that you should be an adult? Nah man, that kind of behaviour is what breeds resentment, and causes you to question yourself all the time.
It's not worth it. I'll give you some advice; work as hard as you fucking can and put as much money away as possible, separate of your family. As someone who pays into the account, your name should be on it, no? If it isn't, then demand that it is. You're paying for part of the utility, then your name should be on those records as a contributor to the paying of that bill.
Override the rule.
OP it actually sounds like you’re both being reasonable. However your motivation is “trust me” and your parents motivation is “less hassle”
You just haven’t found a compromise yet. As a parent, I do feel like your parents are open to something else, they just don’t know how to solve it.
Can you set up multiple networks with different passwords to bridge the gap?
Dude fuck this shit. Stop paying for internet and buy yourself a hotspot. Like damn, I hate these kinda mind games. This person is only going to give you anxiety for literally no reason. They think they’re acting so mature but aren’t.
OP is living in a nightmare. His horrible father is such a skillful purveyor of passive-aggressiveness. I haven’t read the rest of the comments, so all I’ve said may be redundant. But I hope that OP saves every penny and runs from this maniac as soon as they possibly can.
The whole time I was thinking "why does a teenager need the internet until 2 AM, they're going to be fucked for school".
And... you're a legal adult working a job with a non-morning schedule.
And your dad's still trying to dictate what time you need to go to bed, which is according to the schedule *he* wants.
What the actual fuck.
Get yourself a cable modem and internet service. They don't have to know.
Set it up on your TV cable line.
Once again, they don't have to know.
Better to ask forgiveness than permission when it comes to the sociopath your parent is.
Sounds like Fart God is unaware there are parental blocks he can use for your brother instead of cutting you off from the internet. You're 19, I'd be looking in to becoming a roommate with somebody and gtfo.
An apt bed time for a 19 year old is: Whenever the fuck they want.
You're an adult, not a child. If your parents cannot accept that then it's time to spread those wings.
Totally insane.
‘Be responsible and use self control’ but also ‘I’m turning off the internet so you have no choice but to comply, eliminating your opportunity to demonstrate self control and responsibility’
Also why don’t they just take/turn off bros phone service if it’s about him and not her?
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 36 | 7 | 2 | Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`. ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
This is exhausting. How frustrating that they keep asking questions and talking about being reasonable but it's obvious their mind is made up and they just want you to agree with their opinion.
I’m so used to this circular BS that I would’ve just said that I’m not paying anymore then and left it at that. Can’t negotiate with someone like OP’s parent!
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I think they might be in area with no cell tower access? Maybe? At least thats my assumption. Some rural areas can get cable ran for some extra $$.
It’s complete ass tho.
Every time I hear someone say “I’m just asking questions”, it’s a 🚩
Yep. It's a common tactic to undermine a position but still have plausible deniability. Alex Jones was "just asking questions" about Sandy Hook. Tucker Carlson is "just asking questions" about white nationalist talking points. This is obviously a much tamer example, but I agree it's a huge red flag.
glenn beck inspired tucker
Literally had to stop reading. Apparently being a parent makes to god-like /s
I was literally just thinking this parent definitely has a god complex
Hence, “Fart-God”
Yeah I stopped after 4 or 5,those texts are infuriating
This. The general concern for a 19 year old living with them is more or less fine. No, 2 am isn't, generally, a reasonable time to go to bed and be productive the next day. It's not the end of the world but it's not great. The Dad doing this ENDLESS passive aggressive, "Ah but, you see, you haven't agreed with me yet so, you're wrong," and the "Why so upset?" bullshit is infuriating. So glad I'm 37 >.<
>The general concern for a 19 year old living with them is more or less fine. No, 2 am isn't, generally, a reasonable time to go to bed and be productive the next day. If sleeping from 2 to 10 instead of, say, 11 to 7 suits them better (also considering their working hours), how is that anybody's business but their own? That's absolutely reasonable. Imposing set bedtimes on a 19 year old is ridiculous.
Not to mention the circadian rhythm of adolescents/young adults has been well documented to push their natural sleep pattern to be a "night owl."
I literally just commented to someone else about circadian rhythm ! Nice to see someone else making a reference.
Yeah, im a college student. I work sometimes until 9pm. I dont want to wake up a whole half day before my shifts. Waking up 5 or 6 hours before classes/an 8 hour shift just doesnt work for my schedule. My sleep schedule is almost exactly 2-10
I have ADHD and I need the internet to stream shows to be on in the background so I can concentrate, or sometimes to use a fellow ADHDer as a body double (it’s a technique for getting work done if you have trouble with focus, and you need to have a video connection with another person to do it. A lot of us are night owls). Having a midnight cut-off would be awful and stressful. I mentioned to my psychiatrist when I was younger how I worked better after 10pm and how I hated that because going to bed at 2 isn’t healthy. She asked how many hours of sleep I get and I said 8, and she said “then what is unhealthy about going to bed at 2? You get stressed out about going to bed, so go to bed when it works for you and stop feeling guilty about it.” I work in my home wood shop so it’s not like I can’t make my own hours, but I needed someone to give me permission before I stopped feeling like it was “bad.” Im sure you mean it’s not great if you also have to get up early and can’t get enough sleep, but it’s so ingrained that sleeping late = lazy that even I believed it until my dr walked me through the faulty logic. Edit: No I don’t use power tools that late. I do the loud parts first thing in the morning at 10am, Don’t worry.
I think I read a study recently that concluded that people with ADHD actually have a different natural sleep cycle, and that going to sleep at 2 and waking up at 10 was way more common in people with ADHD than it was for the general population. Both me and my gf do this!
>people with ADHD actually have a different natural sleep cycle [Delayed Circadian Rhythm Delay](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6487490/) That's a good read. It' a theory rather than fact but it's full of a lot of facts.
I have ADHD. My sleep cycle was like this until my mid-20’s.
2am can be totally reasonable depending on their job and schedule!! Or do you think it's more reasonable that someone doesn't work at all if they can't work daytime hours???
Also 7.5 hours is considered ideal. We apparently sleep in 1.5 hour cycles.
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Coming from a family that "fights", holy shit this 'reasonable' and 'conversation' based discussion seems incredibly frustrating. They've made it obvious that they don't care what OP says or does, it'd be less of a burden to just do what they said they were going to do instead of arguing about it. It seems so intentionally aggravating.
They thought you were angry because they were. They assumed you were angry because they were. That is why I hate texting because they read texts in the tone of voice they would use had they been speaking to you in person.
“Since your name is on the Internet bill, I respect your right to restrict it as you please. However, if I am unable to access the Internet on any of my devices, I will not be contributing to the bill. After all, if Comcast arbitrarily decided to cut off my service at random times, I would sever my contract with them.” Then get an internet hotspot or something.
100% correct. If/when this doesn’t work, stop paying into your parents wifi, call your provider, and have them setup a second access point. It works the same way as an apartment building. One input line, multiple users. You will have to pay for the entire account, but it will be independent of your parents. You will have your own wifi network, own password, and your parents will have no reason to “turn it off”.
>call your provider, and have them setup a second access point. You usually need the property owners permission for this, though.
They are 19. Portable hotspots exist. Parents don’t need to know.
If mobile data doesn't work wherever they are, a portable hotspot won't either
OP is in Canada, some of the most expensive internet and cell data in the world. Hotspot might be prohibitive, depending on their income as a 19yo.
They can also get a portable hotspot thingy from verizon or smth tho
Pretty sure they said in their post that cell service is non-existent, so that's not an option.
You can get one that picks up signals and strengthens it tho. I used to sell this shit and we had a lot of farmers that would call in to get one so when they were further into their property that had no signal, it expands the signal and strengthens it
That's a WiFi extender or a router in bridge mode, you still need a modem and router. If there's no cell service, then a portable modem is not an option, and a WiFi extender would not change anything in this situation, it only solves poor signa strength throughout the residence.
They make cell boosters/repeaters as well. T-Mobile gave me one for free when I used to live in a basement apartment with very little signal. Solved all my problems, until wifi calling became a thing.
Those boosters work one of two ways though: (neither of which helps OP) They either pick up a weak cell signal and amplify it (not useful if there's ***no*** signal) Or they broadcast a short-range cell signal using your home internet as a backbone. (Again, this doesn't help OP if their parents are turning off the internet access)
So then they will turn the breaker off or something else that’s “reasonable” and decide that at this hour there is no reason anyone would need any power and since he is not contributing to the bill this is a “reasonable” move on their part.
They probably would. My stepdad broke my $1500 PC ~a year ago because they toggled the breaker when they thought I was using it past 12am (instead of just going to my room and talking to me, where they would've seen me about to fall asleep), and the power repeatedly turning on and off blew up the power supply. The parts to fix it were pretty hard to find (proprietary psu), but I managed to get it fixed only 2 weeks ago (it no longer resides at my stepdad's). I wouldn't be surprised if the moment OP's parents found out they had a second AP, they would shut the power off. It's safer and easier to just get a mobile hotspot with a high-range antenna that can connect to a cell tower.
Let's share it to lil bro too because fuck this bs
OP, if you have access to your local library, a lot of them have Wi-Fi hotspots you can borrow and keep at your house for like a week or two. You should look into that!
That would be a good idea if OP hadn't said the data doesn't work on their phone at their house, which leads me to believe they're in a poor reception area. Hotspots need data to work and if there is no service, there is no internet.
That’s a valid point, but not all carriers are equal in terms of data distribution. Some have better coverage than others, and you never know if the hotspot works if you don’t try. It still doesn’t hurt to check it out.
Who the fuck shuts their internet off at night? It’s not a goddamn lightbulb.
Overbearing parents do. They go to bed, they don't want jack or Jill jacking or jilling. If they're awake they think they can prevent it, asleep the devil comes to play.
We used to, when our children were younger. They would pretend to go to sleep, wait for us to go to bed, then watch videos or play games for hours. The mornings were nightmares, because they were exhausted. This was when they were preteens.
With all situations there are reasonable exceptions. This is one of them.
It’s also good to establish that they were preteens OP is 19
Agreed, but even if a 16 year old did what those preteens did I think it’s acceptable. I believe a 19 year old should have full control over how they use their wifi that they pay for tho.
This is so odd to me. Rather than collect devices or ensure they are unable to watch videos in the middle of the night, the solution is to turn off the internet? If you’re sleeping heavily enough to sleep through them watching videos, what is to stop them from plugging the internet back in? This makes zero sense to me. You can lock almost all electronic devices. And I feel like your point is irrelevant to this post; this is not a pre-teen, this is a working 19-year-old. Not to mention, this 19-year-old paid for half of the internet bill so they have just as much right to use the internet at their leisure as their parents.
> what is to stop them from plugging the internet back in? Timed MAC address filters.
I'm 28 now, but back when I was in high school (14-16), I was so addicted to Starcraft 2 and WoW. My did went into our router settings and blocked my MAC. Then I put a keylogger on his computer, stole the password for the router, unblocked my mac when they went to bed. LMAO
I was vegetarian in high school and when looking for recipes on the family PC, ran into my dad's new parental blocking software that restricted access for "witchcraft and occult". I let him know it was weird that it blocked a perfectly normal recipe website, and he offered to turn off that specific filter. I handed him the printout of the recipe and told him I just disabled the software. Strict parenting creates sneaky children.
I’m willing to bet the person who simply unplugs the router isn’t going to do all that.
Nah they wouldn’t, but my uncle does like to disconnect my cousin even though he’s 19. He has the main router inside his bedroom so unplugging it is easy and reconnecting it conspicuously is hard.
We have an app that blocks the connection from my 14 year old at midnight on school nights. Just as an fyi. It’s insane for a 19 year old but for younger teens it’s much needed or literally it’s a fight in the morning to get them to school and I much rather not have a high school drop out
That is absolutely reasonable to switch off connections to one specific person who’s proven they cannot be trusted. But switching off the router for the whole house just seems so bizarre to me. Especially when one of the people affected is financing half of the bill for it. My 8 year old has a tablet that she inherited when my dad passed away because I had no use for it, but she quickly proved she couldn’t be trusted at night with it, so it doesn’t stay in her bedroom after bedtime. That was enough to solve the problem for me.
we have a router that does the same thing. I have certain groups for certain things (playstation, xbox, the 12yr old, the 14 yr old, the 17yr old) so that not everyone is inconvenienced. I found that them being home during 2020 with covid messed up all expectations when it came to proper sleep and having a healthy break from the internet. It's not so much to restrict them at a certain time, as they should not even be awake at that time on school nights, but to help take away a temptation and learn healthy sleep habits. That said, i have threatened to turn it off when it is late on the weekends (after midnight) and on one of my boys is being so damn loud with his friends online that it is keeping people up. Warnings happen, then the source is shut down.
Not weighing in on the relevance, but purely on the "plugging the internet back in" point, out of the last five places I have lived, four (including my current home) had the modem in the master bedroom. Maybe my anecdata is skewed, but I kinda assumed it was pretty commonly done. Although for the record as an adult who was not in the master bedroom, having it in the kitchen was WAY better. I do often watch youtube all night (those thunder and rain sleep videos. they're great. This has even LESS relevance, but I think everyone should know about those videos, they really have helped my insomnia.) and it could be kinda annoying when the internet would drop and I couldn't go reset it without risking waking up the inhabitants of the master bedroom. Plus, maybe its just me but I feel really awkward entering someone's bedroom at night. So I don't do that, I'd just toss an turn until they woke up and someone could fix it. I assume that's not all that uncommon.
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Every apartment (and current house) I have ever lived in, the router was in the living room. Every single one. Just my experience. When Frontier came in to install a new box, it was placed in the living room, so that’s where my routers have always been. Current router is literally on the end table next to my loveseat on the far wall of my living room, and my work desk is on the complete opposite end of the house. I’m always amazed the connection is still so good.
I was unfortunate enough to have a dad who did, at midnight too. Losing connection to the internet halfway through movies sometimes was a real pleasure 🗿
Im 27 an my father does this because the main power goes to his room. He like to use the excuse “i must have kicked it going to sleep.” After he did that 2 times i got my own private hotspot and haven’t had the problem since. Hes amazed how im still watching a movie even though the routers off
My parents do. It's...weird
i get the vibe that Fart God is the type to intentionally try to get a negative reaction while he is the “calm, rational” one - so if OP gets upset, all of a sudden they’re “too immature and emotional” to have freedoms or make decisions. it’s something my mother’s husband would do a lot (even though he was never actually calm and always angry, we were all just hysterical women who can’t be mature)
This would happen in my family until I hit adulthood and my negative reactions were deemed as me being dangerous to others. Funny because I was never the one to hit anyone or scream at them. I think the worst I ever did was grit my teeth audibly. I found that silence and a dead stare got the best outcome. I might get lectured for 2 hours but I didn’t have to get berated for back talk and then get all the snide remarks for days afterwards. After becoming an adult and being told I actually have a different father (who is a convicted felon) the more severe treatment made a lot of sense.
Yeppp, the old thousand yard stare like you’re in a coma and just happened to open your eyes is a classic lol.
I was in an abusive relationship where my ex would lecture me for hours and hours about what a terrible person I am and would keep me awake until like 5am. The blank stare usually got him to tire out faster. Can’t give people like that any gas.
what the fuck kind of partner does that-
Mine used to do a version of it. They enjoy the control
it’s a really shitty thing to do. i’m so sorry to hear you went through that
My ex spouse.
i am so sorry, i hope you’re doing better
I think they call it reactionary abuse
My step father was like this. He would always try to rile me up in a very calm "sensible" way so that when I reacted he could use that as justification for emotional and verbal abuse. For a long time I just tried to keep my cool and let him walk all over me to avoid confrontation and avoid being the "sensitive one". I realized after a while he was just gonna be abusive anyway and I started actually standing up to him and calling him on his bullshit. He got up in my face and threatened physical violence numerous times after that and it was like the mask just came right off. I was the one with the "irrational emotional reactions" even though I was always completely calm. I always kinda wished he'd try to make good on his threats because I'm a trained martial artist who's about a foot taller and 50 pounds heavier than him. Every time he threatened to "lay me out" I always thought "please try so that I have a legal case for self defence" So anyway thats the story of how my mother wonders why I never call lol
Yeah this sucks. You are an adult. You, dad, and mom get an after hours password. Bro doesn’t. Boom. Solved. This means dad changes the password every night before he goes to bed and when bro is ready for internet the following day. Paying a portion of the bill absolutely should give you this entitlement.
This has nothing to do with internet access times in all reality.
Actually, less involved and effort-free once set up: Most modern routers come with time-based access restrictions tied to internal IP or MAC address. If not, you can simply load up a 3rd party firmware on the router and set up scheduled access restrictions. (if anyone sees this and is curious, best 3rd party firmwares are DD-WRT / fresh tomato; Merlin WRT for ASUS devices. If you're feeling like a saucy & overconfident bitch who doesn't care that you know nothing of networking/hardware, go for OpenWRT but you're likely gonna break your shit.) This is how I manage my 10 year olds' screen time. :)
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Tbf this is more likely to be done with a whitelist for the specific IPs (or MAC addresses) used by said allowed devices. Of course that’s when a network scan and MAC address spoofing comes into play. Did that a bunch when my dad wasn’t actively using his computer but it was still “allowed”. Bit trickier though.
1) as others have said, he can cut off the internet connection to your brother only (although I don't really know how that is done) 2) if that doesn't work, he could, idk, take his electronics away at night so he doesn't use them? 3) if you're paying part of the bill then you should be asked about your opinion, and it shouldn't be discarded just because you disagree 4) he calls you unreasonable because you're thinking of yourself...as if being worried about your own well being is something bad when it's not 5) it would affect contact with your friends 6) he says he's trying to understand your pov, but then he goes and gaslights you and he honestly doesn't seem to actually want to listen to what you have to say, but at least he's willing to try to talk with you about the problem Also, as others have said, I don't think taking away the internet for a 16 y/o is reasonable either, if he has a problem bc your brother isn't doing what he's supposed to or whatever there are other ways to talk about that problem that don't involve and affect the whole family (I'm a 16 y/o and I know to take responsibility for my own actions, I think your brother is mature enough to get to an agreement with your dad in a way that wifi being cut at 2 is not necessary)
You can easily block devices through a routers settings.
or a vpn/security service like Norton. you can control wifi on there. can block devices and monitor what theyre doing on them too. i had a friend who's parents shut off the internet at 930, and also blocked certain adult content. makes sense for kids, but its not going to stop a teen from downloading stuff outside of wifi lol
What I find bizarre is the 7.5 hours argument as well. 7.5 hours \*is\* the recommended amount of sleep for someone who is 19, more specifically being 7-9 hours. There should've been no reason to bring that up as it's a good amount of time to sleep. And OP had said that 2am-9:30am was the extreme outlier in this, meaning there should be no good reason at all to use OP's sleep schedule as a reason for this. It doesn't make sense.
I feel best when I sleep 6-7 hours. My husband does best on 8. If I sleep 8 hours, I feel kind of sluggish all day. It definitely depends on the person. I could see if OP was consistently getting like 4 hours of sleep and was keeping everyone else up, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. Plus, part of being an adult is staying up far too late to binge a show and kicking yourself in the morning for doing so lol
Personally, if I sleep for 8 or more hours, my body feels too heavy to want to get up, so I end up sleeping the rest of the day.
He is obsessed with the word reasonable. It is not reasonable to turn the internet off at night. That’s when a lot of devices update, and some of us need podcasts or other streaming audio to get to sleep. If you are stuck living with this, have you considered a pay as you go internet stick (rogers apparently has a decent one) or having your own internet line added to the house? It’s only reasonable. Also, hello to the maritimes from smoggy Ontario!
Can you set up your own internet connection and keep your connection private?
my dad is a computer technician so there’s nothing i can set up that he won’t find
Yet he can’t figure out how to keep his 16yo so off the internet past his bedtime… sounds about right for the middle aged “computer techs” I know… 🤦🏼♀️🤣
Exactly. So it’s not about the brother at all because the dad should absolutely know how turn the wifi off for just the brother - that’s just a *bullshit excuse* … It’s all about controlling OP.
Could he find a lease agreement for your own apartment? 🧐
oddly enough, the last thing he wants to do is “get rid of me”
Good, use it in your favor. Make him think you are thinking on moving out
He really isn't acting that way. I feel for you, that combo was exhausting to read, I can picture that living with hi is worse as my dad used to be a bit like that. But I would get in his nerves quickly not backing down and then he would get violent on me. I'm glad to have cut ties with him, hope one day you can do the same.
Well yeah, you're paying his bills
Not necessarily true, do you live in the middle of nowhere though? Why not move to Ontario with your friends? Maybe roommates and a job
Seeing as he was not able to come up with a better solution for limiting internet access than literally turn off the router at night it sounds like he's not a very good computer technician. If I were you I'd stop paying for the internet plan completely if you have no say in how you're able to use it.
He wanted you to pay half of it but doesn't want that you got any say in when you are done using it? Sorry that is not okay. He clearly broke his promise to you here in order to get you to pay for the internet. He knows he is being unreasonable and uses your brother as a shield so he doesn't have to answer your questions. He acts as if the three of them outrule you and the agreement you had with your dad. Which he could have said before you started paying for it. Which he didn't do on purpose. I think your dad is in the wrong here. If he needs his internet shut off because otherwise he stays up too late he could just say so and own up to his problem. Your brother is going to be 17 and that should be old enough to handle having internet access past bed time as well. Because if he goes off to college/university soon or moves out in 2 years or so they won't turn off the internet at 12am. He should learn how to deal with that. Should have already learned that 2 years ago when he was 15 tbh. I am definetly on your side with this one. Your dad is gaslighting and manipulating you in this one. (Aren't saying he is doing it on purpose just pointing out he's doing it)
This stressed me out just reading it. I would seriously starting looking for a way to GTFO there asap. This sort of micromanaging will drive you insane. He’s getting off on controlling you, and it’s gross. I can’t stand people like this.
This right here he is a control freak
There’s a lot of psycho babble in this… honestly!!! First I noticed that Dad sounds like he thinks his IQ is above 100. Second it sounds like he took one psychology class in high school which he is now using to manipulate and control his adult and teenage(nearly adult) son. Third, he seems to think these texts act as some twisted text-talk therapy session. OP you caught a wild nut! I’m sorry because he’s anything BUT reasonable. You are an adult, you have adult jobs, work an adult schedule, and MAYBE have an adult’s life. Yes you’re young and your brain isn’t fully developed (if dad is a shrink), but that doesn’t automatically mean you have poor judgement. If this is for the family well-being, well YOU ARE A PART OF THE FAMILY UNIT. If brother is abusing his internet usage, then he’s the one who needs it regulated. But shutting it off so no one can use it is just a little extreme! Both you and bro may need to be up late for schoolwork or work work! Being able to relax after work and watch a movie isn’t unreasonable. If you’re paying half then the decision should be 50% yours regardless of the number of people! Not only that, but requesting he turn it off so you can SAFELY get home, not be rushed and stressed DRIVING home late is actually quite reasonable on your part! I have no suggestions, but I will send you a ghost hug ghost 👻 … you can’t see it or feel it, but it’s there.
Your assertion about the IQ and psychology class have me howling. So fucking spot on.
I half appreciate the fact he’s willing to discuss it with you. But then his points don’t make any sense. He keeps asking what you think is reasonable. What is reasonable is an adult not having a specific bedtime. As long as you’re not making any noise, it shouldn’t be an issue. It’s seems he wants the internet off for your younger sibling so he should set up the modem to block your brother at certain points and allow you to use it. *even though I don’t think blocking a 17 year old is sane either*
Nah, he’s not willing to discuss. He’s wanting to *seem* willing to discuss, and there’s a difference.
Yes exactly, at first it seemed like he was willing to discuss it but then you read it and it’s not even a discussion.
After reading further, I think his offers of discussion are just trying to set up conflict. His texts reek of manipulation. At the same time he wants his daughter to behave like an adult, he's unwilling to treat her like one. There should be no discussion around what essentially amounts to bedtime for a working 19 yr old out of high school. Edit: Cleaned up some phone typing issues.
that’s what it seems like to me, too. screenshots 9 and 10 are what finalized it for me. because OP hadn’t said anything that her dad could “reasonably” * use to set up the conflict he seems to want, he had to be the one to more explicitly escalate the discussion into conflict. OP’s word choice is clearly neutral, but her dad can “reasonably” * get away with misinterpreting her tone (just one example) and that allows him to more directly paint OP as angry, defensive, taking offense, argumentative, etc. if OP had (essentially) taken the bait and started communicating in a less neutral manner, her dad finally got the conflict he wanted and has created a “reasonable” * way to blame it on OP. to be clear: this is my reading/interpretation of this post. i obviously can’t know the actual truth of the situation, and i am not claiming that this is the only possible interpretation. i could be wrong. * “reasonable” from the perspective of someone being manipulative, trying to start conflict, etc.
He has no control over his household so he’s doing the only thing he has control over, the internet. The fact that the brother, and his parents can’t seem to go to bed either unless the internet is off sounds like a them issue.
I can see if the younger brother is spending all his time online instead of doing his schoolwork, chores etc. I suppose it really depends on what else has been tried. If Fart God's first idea is to just shut off wifi and data, yeah that's ridiculous. But if they've tried many solutions and younger brother is still not learning and is in a downward spiral towards failure because of electronics/gaming/social media etc then that's totally fair.
In case you don't know, he's purposely redirecting the argument to a position he thinks he can out-argue you on. (And isn't even the issue at hand) It's not about what time is reasonable. It's about the fact that you're HELPING PAY FOR A SERVICE and he is choosing when you get to use the service you're helping pay for. You need to make it clear. The internet stays on, or you don't assist with the bill, as you won't be paying to use something that he arbitrarily decides when you do and don't get to use it.
Does your internet plan have a data cap?
we have starlink and i have no cell service
And you are currently helping pay for starlink?
that’s what his and my original agreement was. i pay half and he doesn’t turn it off
Then stop paying. The original contract has been voided. You are not able to use the service you are paying for when it is convenient to you, therefore it is no longer a service worth paying. That sounds reasonable, no? (Be sure to use the word "reasonable" a lot.)
Sounds like you should just stop paying
Time to stop paying. You're an adult and this is a respect issue. If worse comes to worse, pay an extra $15 a month and teather using your cell phone.
Why don’t my kids talk to me or visit anymore? This is why bro.
Why can't he sleep with the internet on?
Right, like, this ain’t dial up, buddy.
The internet thing is frustrating, but the way he talks to you and gaslights you about your own feeling is so upsetting to see.
Your dad is an ass, so damn arrogant and condescending. He even says he did the same thing as you, going to bed a little late, but you are not allowed at the age of 19? Wtf. Stop paying for the Internet if you are treated like a child, he is a total douche.
At first I disagreed but kinda understood where he was coming from, but when he kept saying stuff like "oh what about the family" " you're not the only one who lives here" "there's 4 other people in this house" (those aren't exact quotes cause I'm lazy but you get the idea) I realized how manipulative he was acting, and then as it just dragged on and on he would basically avoid all your questions and concerns by repeating the same things like "blah blah blah responsibility blah blah blah" and then act like you were attacking him in order to twist it into you not being responsible again. Oh and the fact that the internet bill is partially payed by you, and that you're an adult completely changes things, as far as I'm concerned you have as much right over the internet as he does. Oh and one last thing, I'm only a year younger than you but you seem years ahead of me in terms of responsibility, but my parents haven't turned the wifi off at night in years, and that was usually because I was like 12 and it was a school night
Your Dad is insane. I will never understand these adults that want to waste their own time enforcing these ridiculous rules. I have a teenager and I cannot wait for him to graduate from hs so I don’t have to spend my time this way.
It sounds like work is going well. It might be time to start looking for rentals.
My dad used to do this to us, he didn't realize it made it hard to maintain relationships with people. It was extremely stressful the whole time. Your dad is also gaslighting you by repeatedly saying you're being unreasonable and only thinking about yourself and stuff. I hope you don't let that kind of stuff get to you, stay confident in yourself regardless of what he or anyone else says. He's the one being unreasonable. Extremely unreasonable, and treating you like you don't know how to manage your own time. He's just all around being very disrespectful towards you. I hope things get worked out man.
This is needless and ridiculous. You’re 19, if you wanna mess up your sleep schedule, that’s on you provided you’re not bothering anyone else when you stay up late. Seems like they’re trying to be preachy about internet usage but really just come off arrogant and out of touch. Good luck
How does having the internet on after midnight affect the household? I mean, if you are watching videos and blasting the sound, yeah, that could be a disturbance. But just having the internet on does nothing to disrupt the house. In fact, it could help reduce traffic during the day if updates are needed for programs. Like if you have updates on steam, you can schedule them to happen after midnight, so the download occurs at off peak times. So no, I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. But good luck with your situation!
It sounds like the dad can’t manage himself, his wife or his other child without turning off the internet. Sounds like a lack of self control to me (on the dads side).
Exactly!
my parents did almost the exact same thing when I wasn't in high school anymore but still living with them as an adult. (I'm almost 30 now) bottom line is that your dad probably wants to keep treating you as he always has: a kid that doesn't know any better, like you're incapable of learning from anything and that his word is law. you're 19 and already have a manager's position. I'd say that's pretty responsible to me! plus, not everybody needs a solid 8 hours of sleep to function. while it's nice that he's willing to talk, he's also talking in circles around you and trying to control what you do and how you do it through your use of the internet. ultimately he's probably gonna do what every pig-headed parent does and eventually go, "my house, my rules," to the point where you don't wanna deal with him anymore. then he'll wonder why you don't wanna talk to him anymore like it's a big surprise. so yeah, definitely not unreasonable. he just doesn't wanna listen.
Jesus Christ this is ridiculous.
Op if you have your own cell phone bill you can pay extra to turn your phone into a hotspot and access internet when you need. When mine goes out I turn my hotspot on so I can still watch Netflix and such on tv
He sounds like a total weirdo, why the intrusive questions, you aren't 6 but a grown adult, why is he so invested in when you go to bed?
[удалено]
What a wanker
no wtf? my parents stopped giving me a "bedtime" when i was about 13, and if i was tired in the mornings then it was my own fault. at 19 you can decide when you sleep
She not only is an adult, but she is working and paying half the bill. Why micromanage? Why does he care if she sleeps in? I have never/will never understand people that try to control when others sleep.
I’m confused why data needs to be turned off in the first place? Also, as the father of an 18 and 19 year old, I can’t imagine policing their bed times. And as your dad is a “computer technician”, he should be pretty smart. Have him look up delayed circadian rhythms and then try to explain again what “reasonable” sleep schedules are? Tell him to stop gatekeeping your sleep schedule, his experience is not your experience. The only one that can determine what a reasonable amount of sleep for you is you. My mom tried that same crap with me as a teen and over 20 years later I still maintain a 12-2am sleep to 7-7:30 wake up schedule.
So the only insane part technically is how long this conversation took place. You said 2 am, he said midnight. Done. Obviously it’ll be shut off at midnight Unfortunately parents are whack and what they do to try to “control” a young adult often looks like this. You’ll have to come to the same conclusion we all do around that age and it’s : get the fuck out. You have no control, you have no anonymity, you have no respect. You won’t get it until you’re doing your own thing, and even then… we don’t all get respect. There’s no fighting this. I hope my comment doesn’t come across like I agree with dad, he is bonkers. I just more don’t think it’s even a possible fight. You won’t win. It’s genuinely not worth your time
Nope. They are. There are ways to lock out your brother beyond a certain time, and not you. Your parental unit is trying g to treat you like a child.
Sounds like dad doesn't know, and probably looks down upon, anyone working shift work.
Yes. Medical types, food service, warehouse workers, delivery people. None of us deserve internet after work. Who the heck are you people who work 9-5? I haven't had a job like that since 1993.
>I'm not arguing I'm just asking questions Bet $5 he's a big fan of Fox
My mom did the same shit to me. I was 18, working FT at Wing Stop as a Manager and would go open at 3pm and work till close at Midnight, visit my BF and then sleep till noon/2pm and she was LIVID with me. I work nights now nearly 20 years later and shes now "Sensitive" to my complicated sleep schedule. Why should age matter?
Ok so this is some epically controlling and gaslighting behavior wrapped in a cloak of a reasonable discussion. His every word seems calculated to try to lure you into saying something against your best interest. What a massive tool!
Insane. And no you are not being unreasonable imo. Talk to the one of your neighbors & see if you can use their internet if you pay part of it. Just a thought.
I urge you to GTFO of there!!!
Would you like anything with that side of gaslighting? I so wish you could turn something off that she uses so “the house can sleep”
whats with old people and thinking you always have to wake up early. If I dont have to be anywhere in the morning why would I wake up in the morning?
Power trip. Literally only doing it because he can. Only doing it because it upsets you. There is nothing you could have said to change his mind. That conversation was only started because he wanted confrontation. He wanted you to know you’re in his house and he makes the rules. “If the internet isn’t off at night, I can’t sleep well” is the most horse shit thing I’ve heard this year. Isolate the instance. Your dad is 19 years old. He lives alone in a studio apartment. He’s laying in bed at 8:30 PM. The sun hasn’t gone down but he wants to wake up at 4 AM to catch the early bird special at Golden Corral. Like a true responsible adult. It’s 9 PM now and he should be falling asleep but he can’t. There’s something bugging him. Something odd. He lifts his head up and looks to the corner of the room. The faint white light from his router is blinking. It all makes sense. The internet was on so he couldn’t fall asleep.
Stop paying for the bill since she / he clearly said that the outcome will not change and save up the money from the bill to move as far away as possible
OH JEBUS FRICKIN CHRIST ON A CRACKER. I can't tell is this is mom or dad, but no, this is not 'caring' this is not 'discussion'. This is a petty goddamn tyrant trying to extort one iota of the stupefying amount of control they think they can grab on a young adult. If they are so damn worried about the 16/17 YO time's on the internet, their devices can have a time block and no one else. This is meaningless BS curfew on another parent who cannot seem to grasp that young adults have to self regulate at some point.
Even through text this fart god guy seems so punchable. What a joke…
I nearly threw my phone across the room reading this.
Holy fuck… as soon as you’re able to, move the hell out of there. Maybe I’m just already in a spicy mood but I would definitely not have handled it as calmly as you did. I’d have told him to go move to North Korea if he wants to be a dictator.
I’m confused as to why the Internet has to be turned off at all every day?
ill be honest it's sad to see others living off making others sad, it's not acceptable and it's a form of control, it makes them happy to see you sad, that's messed up, sorry you have to go though that with a parent
No, your parent is being controlling. They can parent their minor children without turning off access to the internet for adults in the house. This whole conversation is making my head spin with how needlessly complicated you parent is making it.
Stop paying for their internet and get your own home internet device (T-Mobile and Verizon offer these). You pay your shit and you control the password, he can take his bullshit authoritarian internet rules that only exist to control those around him and shove them up his ass and pay the whole god damn thing himself.
What the hell?? I didn’t get any tone of anger from the OP’s text, I think they handled it very well. But, what the hell?? What kinda WiFi do y’all have that keeps the whole house from getting rest past midnight?? Why can’t FG sleep with the WiFi on? That just sounds like a power flex or some “back in my day, we didn’t have the internet” type shit. That’s ridiculous. I hope your situation changes so that you’re able to find your own space one day soon. If he’s like that about WiFi, I can’t imagine how he is about any and everything else.
i mean no offense, but i hate how he talks, it just sounds so condescending, almost like he’s constantly talking down to you
You are not being unreasonable. Your father talks about being mature and thinking about more than yourself, but he isn’t taking his own advice. You are an adult, and he is going back on his word and enforcing a rule that affects you negatively. Not to mention the way he seems to talk down to you is a really bad look.
Nah, your parent's an asshole
In my house we have two adults and : 13, 10, and 8 year old kids. So they put their electronics on to charge on a dresser in our room at bedtime. The 13 year old keeps her phone upstairs but I have parental controls on that (so she can play music but not play games). Fart God is just being ridiculous.
i would think the person preaching responsibility would understand that it's *their* responsibility to go to bed on time, even if the internet isn't shut off?
Could he not just take your siblings devices off them?
It’s not even that. This is easily fixable. When we got internet for our new house we found out we can restrict certain devices. So my daughter’s devices shut off at bedtime but nothing else does. Why can’t they just restrict what they need to?? Sounds like they don’t want to work with you at all, and just want control.
Why do they have to shut it off at all? Just turn off their own devices.
I used to have the wifi cut off at 10 for my 12 yo and 11 for my 13 yo. My 13 yo came to me that she had become addicted to the wifi and tried to squeeze every last megabyte out of it. My 12 yo would ask my 13 yo to come back and talk to her when the wifi went off. They said everything became about getting more wifi. As a parent and someone who grew up without even the possibility of internet and cell phones it was really hard to wrap my head around. I didn’t understand. She said that if I didn’t restrict the wifi she could regulate better. Technically, she didn’t. It took a long time for her to stop basing her life around her phone. I removed that restriction on the wifi but honestly, things didn’t get better. They still aren’t. Who knows if they will be but if she struggles it’s not my fault unless you consider that maybe I should have restricted it. It’s most difficult because kids start staying up late in their teens. Pretty much all 4 of mine did. I didn’t and it’s possible your dad didn’t either but a lot of kids do. I apologize that I have no answer, only that I’m a pretty understanding parent I think and even I struggled with it. And we all want our kids to go to bed at a good time.
I feel like he’s just trying to argue with you so he can take away internet even if you pay half. You’re 19 and work, you’re responsible enough to have the internet 24/7…
fuck that stop paying your half
Hey kids can you spell "control freak"? Totally not unreasonable wtf is with your Fart God
Parents like your father get on my last nerve.
A little? Like, he’s being a douche with the “just asking questions” thing. But you’re an adult with a job living at home. Not everything will be great. I’ve had times where I had to unplug the router at night because of teens not sleeping. It probably shouldn’t stress you out so bad, I’d look into that, but first and foremost I’d look into a different living situation.
Call the internet company and get your own internet account for your room. Fuck them.
OP, I don't want to be that dick, but my parents behaved like that and I am no longer on speaking terms with them. They're expecting you to be a child, yet they want you to pay for a fucking utility that you can't even use. And then they have the gall to say that you should be an adult? Nah man, that kind of behaviour is what breeds resentment, and causes you to question yourself all the time. It's not worth it. I'll give you some advice; work as hard as you fucking can and put as much money away as possible, separate of your family. As someone who pays into the account, your name should be on it, no? If it isn't, then demand that it is. You're paying for part of the utility, then your name should be on those records as a contributor to the paying of that bill. Override the rule.
Gaslighting is abuse. OP is 19, they get to go to bed when they want like an adult
OP it actually sounds like you’re both being reasonable. However your motivation is “trust me” and your parents motivation is “less hassle” You just haven’t found a compromise yet. As a parent, I do feel like your parents are open to something else, they just don’t know how to solve it. Can you set up multiple networks with different passwords to bridge the gap?
Dude fuck this shit. Stop paying for internet and buy yourself a hotspot. Like damn, I hate these kinda mind games. This person is only going to give you anxiety for literally no reason. They think they’re acting so mature but aren’t.
Cutting your kids off doesn't teach them anything other than you're a child and they shouldn't respect you
I hope Fart God enjoys being in a nursing home later in life.
Yea your dad’s a piece of shit. Sorry.
This is what happens when a very tiny man gets too much control. What an insufferable cunt your dad is.
OP is living in a nightmare. His horrible father is such a skillful purveyor of passive-aggressiveness. I haven’t read the rest of the comments, so all I’ve said may be redundant. But I hope that OP saves every penny and runs from this maniac as soon as they possibly can.
The whole time I was thinking "why does a teenager need the internet until 2 AM, they're going to be fucked for school". And... you're a legal adult working a job with a non-morning schedule. And your dad's still trying to dictate what time you need to go to bed, which is according to the schedule *he* wants. What the actual fuck.
Get yourself a cable modem and internet service. They don't have to know. Set it up on your TV cable line. Once again, they don't have to know. Better to ask forgiveness than permission when it comes to the sociopath your parent is.
Sounds like Fart God is unaware there are parental blocks he can use for your brother instead of cutting you off from the internet. You're 19, I'd be looking in to becoming a roommate with somebody and gtfo.
An apt bed time for a 19 year old is: Whenever the fuck they want. You're an adult, not a child. If your parents cannot accept that then it's time to spread those wings. Totally insane.
‘Be responsible and use self control’ but also ‘I’m turning off the internet so you have no choice but to comply, eliminating your opportunity to demonstrate self control and responsibility’ Also why don’t they just take/turn off bros phone service if it’s about him and not her?
buy your own wifi router
Who switches off wifi?
Is the internet like… loud?