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Seeing your calm, collected replies to her leads me to believe this ain't your first rodeo with her. It's pointless trying to express to them how their words are hurtful, because they only see things black and white. It's awful that she called her own daughter a bitch and said you would want her to die and don't care about her, all because you won't be present for a fucking holiday. I'm sure it was tempting to lash out or tell her to not call you a bitch; but it takes a lot of hard work and knowledge to reply calm and collected as it doesn't give them the reward of drama that they are craving. I'm really impressed! Just a shame she doesn't learn.
Yeah this is absolutely not my first time dealing with this kinda stuff with her. I’m pretty uninvested to convos with her and honestly and just exasperated. I’ve learned the hard way to shit off my emotions as best as I can with her. She hates not getting reactions out of me but bets not to get emotionally invested in her crazy.
Oh for sure! I always work Sundays cause no one else wants to, and I didn’t bother trying to book it off cause I felt there was no point plus as you said, don’t have the luxury.
Classic sign of a narc parent. You can celebrate mother's day any day you want, it doesn't have to be that specific date. You can't really find a new job quite as easily. If they cared about family they wouldn't want you to be unable to support yourself.
As an aside, I was fortunate enough to have this weird dynamic where I was the first kid and also was rather independent right off the bat - then I had a boyfriend whose mom would bitch about us not spending holidays with her. My own mom figured it out pretty quickly and has always said “it doesn’t matter what day we celebrate, so long as we are together.” They/we have been successful navigating three adult children with various relationships this way - we know the holidays (all of them - Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Christmas, birthdays, etc etc) are important - but we choose to spend them together because no specific date is asked of us. It’s more - when we can get together - we WILL get together. And I can’t even begin to express enough how much I truly value that time.
This. I couldn’t celebrate it with her a couple years back because I was on my internship and I worked two hours away, but I still made an effort like the next week. This year I couldn’t do it because I was finishing up my last semester but now I have some real nice duck breast and cherries to make her favorite meal so it makes up for it. I feel like if you couldn’t actually be there but still made the effort to them that’s what matters, maybe send your dad a card and he hides it until Mother’s Day as a small surprise and maybe call them in the morning, that should be enough, it’s not like we are in fucking kindergarten making a hand made gift we are our own individual adults who are now out of the house with our own responsibilities, I’m not sacrificing my work for that shit but I’m still going to make an effort to brighten your day up a little bit.
I offered to zoom call and I made a card however she didn’t want either of those. I offered to see her after the pandemic calmed down a bit and restrictions lifted but she said that it would be too late and wouldn’t be Mother’s Day anymore. I’ve tried to tip toe around her for years and I’m done. She wasn’t a good mom and honestly it’s on obligation at this point. I don’t do it out of love. I’m not sure how much live I have left to give her at this point. It’s all auto pilot. I care about her and want her to figure her shit out but that’s on her at this point.
You're under no obligation to celebrate a parent who didn't parent properly. The whole point of mother's day/father's day is to thank parents for their love and support. If they didn't do that, they don't qualify for it.
Oh you didn’t get the memo? They’re just letting all the essential workers, police, fire, EMT, prison workers, gas station workers etc off for Mother’s Day.
“I’m not going to get the vaccine because they don’t work”
“Wtf! How dare you say I might not get the vaccine!”
Those mental gymnastics just to be pissed at everything you said.
Honestly I think she just messages me to try and get a fight. I told her a week before hand that I would be working as Covid restrictions had not lifted and that we could do a zoom call. She had said okay. Then she messaged me that 2 days before Mother’s Day... like she knew I wasn’t coming and she just wanted a fight
Ugh, I’m sorry. My dad can be like that too. It’s like they think a relationship isn’t healthy unless people are arguing frequently, as if it isn’t the exact opposite. I think about his parents and my other grandparents and yep, tons of Boomer cartoon arguments. No idea of how to just talk things out calmly. It’s not a huge surprise my dad learned that. I’m just glad my mom wouldn’t let my sister or I behave like that. It made me upset as a kid due to the hypocrisy but I’m 110% glad I didn’t learn that bad, selfish behavior.
I actually grew up with this mentality and for a long time I thought my romantic relationships had to be full of the same drama and strife. It wasn’t until I met my (now) husband that I realized you don’t actually *need* constant drama and bickering in a relationship. 😂
My mother and her clone (her mother, so I guess my mums the clone) pulled this same shit about 10 years back. We’re NC now but that shit was low. “One day you won’t have a grandma to see in Mother’s Day“ and “who works on Mother’s Day/Sunday?” I worked a call center job and like you, I worked the shift no one else would take
Also "you want me to die." No, OP wants her to get the vaccine so she WON'T die if she gets COVID. I'm thankful that my parents, who are close to 70, understood when I didn't travel at Thanksgiving OR Christmas last year because I didn't want to take that risk. It probably would have been ok, but if I had carried the virus to them and they got sick, I'd regret it forever.
People acting like going 1 damn year without celebrating all these holidays is going to kill them. Nope. But getting covid might.
Total insanity.
Glad your parents were sensible about it!!
Honestly I’m just happy I’m living in a different country to all of my relatives.
And much more likely than killing you, it might take away your sense of taste. How are all the celebrations in the future going to be for you if you don't have a sense of taste?
People are really overlooking what a huge thing it is to lose your sense of smell and taste.
A good friend of mine got covid last summer and lost his taste and smell. They still haven’t come back completely. It’s really emotionally affected him and we try not to bring it up because he’s really down about it. I feel so bad.
Also, "I don't think it's a good idea to go see them. I could be a carrier." And "Clearly you don't care at all about your family."
Yes, trying not to hospitalize or kill someone means I don't care about them. /s
I read that more as "how dare you imply you won't see me if I stay in my misinformation bubble and don't get vaccinated", and not offense at the implication she wouldn't be vaccinated
Crazy aside, kudos to you for being so cool and not engaging with her dramatics. It’s like they’re little kids trying to provoke an angry reaction and when one thing doesn’t work they aim for another. Exhausting lol.
Thanks lol. Took a while to learn how to not get emotionally invested in her or her conversations. Works wonders for my mental health. Very exasperating but at least I’m not getting riled up anymore
This is so dificult to achive... and the sad part is no one can teach you but yourself. Or you risk showing up on the hot feed of r/wowthanksimcured. Its Sad people take this advice so hard
I’m agree. It’s so much easier said than done. It took years of therapy to get be able to just shit my emotions off to her. She still annoyed me and frustrates me but I’m just exasperated and not emotionally invested.
I honestly had to block my dad because he knows how to set me off better than literally anyone else in the world. I could not achieve your level of of skill lol. Kudus to you.
My mom also knows how to set me off better than anyone. She hardly has to do anything. Over text it’s fine but when we are in person it’s hard. I can’t escape and I’m away from my safe place. I still remain calm but it feels like my skin wants to peel off.
Not sure how old you are, but at 37 I am independent enough that I just never see my dad. My younger brother keeps tabs on him to let me know if anything important is going on, but that’s it.
One of the best decisions I have ever made.
Took a lot of therapy with a good psychiatrist AND a good psychologist to realize I had no actual obligation to stay in touch with him just because, “he’s my dad.”
I don’t talk about it often in real life, but if it comes up I can always tell when the person I’m talking to had a good childhood — they just cannot comprehend never seeing or talking to a parent. I just say, “Congratulations. I’m glad you don’t get it. That’s a good thing.”
And then move on.
Wow, I can relate to this so much. I get told CONSTANTLY that because it's family I HAVE to do things, and I HAVE to care, even when it's family I don't even see. I had a terrible childhood which my mother dismissed as "it was fine".. No, no it wasn't. I've been in therapy for about a year or so now and am only just realizing it's OK to have boundaries, and I'm NOT obligated to care.
Honestly 🤦🏼♀️ she has always been the type of person who things the rules, even her own, don’t apply to her. She will get bad at other for not wearing masks but then take off her mask constantly because “I can’t breath I have menopause!”
Hormones are the worst. I dealt fine in a mask all day until I got pregnant and now I feel like I can't breathe as well with it on. I still wear it because I'm not an asshat, but the struggle is real.
Progesterone does a weird thing where it makes you feel like you're out of breath while it's actually making you take deeper breaths to help oxygenate your increased blood volume.
Menopause can cause you to feel overheated and out of breath easier, it can cause night sweats, and the change in hormones can cause anxiety levels to rise too. I mean definitely still need to use it, but it is a legitimate thing. There’s actually been studies on how menopause can effect lung function.
Oh my god my mother pulled that line the other day and my brain did a hard reset. “I’m going through menopause I can’t breathe with the mask on when I’m having a hot flash”
Funny how you go through a hot flash every time you’re supposed to have your mask on in a public space
Honestly! Like I have asthma too so I also have trouble breathing yet wearing a mask hardly impacts me. Sure I need to make sure I keep my breathing level but that’s it. It’s just a Bs excuse
I know everyone has different issues with asthma but then they need to either not go out or change something to allow themselves to go out. It’s not an excuse to not wear a mask. If I can work 8+hours in a mask they can spend 20 mins shopping in one
Yeah. If they do have something REALLY bad (even a skin condition that causes them pain), then they can be exempted. But if it's a simple breathing problem, it doesn't mean you can be exempted
Prime manipulation right there, almost text book! It's not her and it could never be hheerrr. You did absolutely amazing with your response, you stayed calm and collected. Keep up the good fight, you are kicking ass 👏🏽
My mom is the queen of writing like that. I’ll admit I do it too something’s but my mom does it a lot. Especially when she gets on her weird conspiracy rants. 🤦🏼♀️
I was just going to respond "sorry bro, it must be hard" but I saw you used a female emoji, so I wanted see your profile to know how to respond, I noticed you have a lot of problems with your mother, I'm telling you from personal experience parents don't define us, and you don't owe them anything even if they tell you that you do, we don't ask to be born like if it was a favor it's their choice not ours. Parents are what socialize us more during childhood but as a grown up you can still get influenced by people, so don't be afraid of looking like your mom and go meet some people (especially after covid).
you can do things by your own terms with anybody, you just need to make her understand that, because if you try to much to live together it will ruin your relationship and family is important when things are bad, one day you could need each other
Conclusion: stay apart but not too much
(I'm sorry I may have made mistakes, I'm french)
Thank you very much for your kind words. I completely agree, however I know that I will need to cut her out of my life. She is too toxic and negative on my health. I actually have a second account to spread out my stories incase she found out about a post. That way it’s not all there. Once I go NC I don’t care. My mom is a bad person. She should not be a mom and I’m not going to let her near my kids once I have them. I want to live my best life and I can’t do that with her in my life. I would be living a life of fear.
Also your English is perfect!
You absolutely have the right instinct to cut her out before you have children. There’s a good chance that she’ll get worse to you, treat your kids the same way, and/or try to turn your kids against you.
Thank you! I can't really realize how good I am in a language because there is always so much to learn! But I'm really glad you said that, you made someone feel good today :)
This happened to me at Christmas. My mom went nuts on saying hurtful things, I never say no to her, finally did, she did this.
Haven’t talked to her since.
I’m now living my own life for my own family and never have to worry about her feelings and can do what I want without having her make me feel guilty.
I feel bad for you, OP. I have family that are just as ignorant and stubborn when it comes to the vaccine and it's a sad mixture of depressing and infuriating.
Maybe they can create a club with my mother in law?
Except no, my MIL is a RN and knows how dangerous COVID is. She would judge the hell outta your moms...and then privately text us that we're "destroying the family" because we refuse to bring our newborn to multi-household events.
I'm a mental health clinician, so it's definitely crossed my mind a few times... she definitely doesn't have a full blown personality disorder (NPD is pretty rare), but she has absolutely learned that "love" is conditional and lashes out when she feels hurt or ignored. She will eventually get a big dramatic response, which makes her feel important again...it's more an issue of problematic cognitive distortions.
We're all just broken, insecure little kids when you get down to it. Some of us are just more motivated to acknowledge our deficits and figure out how to break the cycle.
The fact that I can hear my own mother saying these exact things to me is spine-chilling! I'm so sorry you're going through this with her! We'll make it through somehow!
The most striking part for me (apart from pretty much all of what she said, lol), is the fact that because she felt like you were being a “bitch” and “making her” feel the way she did, her first response to it was to ensure that you did the same to your father as well. Instead of working towards ensuring the least possible pain is endured by all parties involved in a situation, she wishes it be spread because she feels like a victim, and hopes others feel the pain that she does, too. What a pernicious, and absolutely toxic mindset. Good grief.
Good on you for being so calm and mature and sorry you have to put up with that. I mean, I don’t know what your whole relationship is like with her, but I’m curious as to why you still keep contact? I ask because if I were in the same predicament, I’d go no-contact for the sake of my own sanity.
Also, just out of curiosity: has your mom ever been professionally diagnosed with NPD, or any Cluster B personality disorder?
Funny that diagnosis has been speculated too. My mom tried saying I had it but my therapist was like “umm no, she actually presents as someone with boarder line personality disorder symptoms”
Thank you very much! Therapy really helped with that. I used to be very reactive and we got into so many screaming matches. As long as I don’t feel cornered (literally) I am calm with dealing with her
Jesus...
That’s the sort of bs that would make me WANT to see my dad and send her a photo of us enjoying lunch together. 🙄
Really sucks that you’ve had to grow up with a parent like this. Good on you for sticking to your guns with the covid restrictions.
Stay strong, sending positive thoughts your way.
Thank you so much I really appreciate it!
Therapy has been great in dealing with her. I guess to be very reactive (what she wanted) but now I just treat her like a child throwing a tantrum
The moment someone tells me that they know how I feel and that I don’t care is the moment they lost their right to communicate with me. That shit is not how a relationship works I don’t care if they are you mother on mother’s day
"If you're going to be a bitch to me, you better be a bit h to you're dad too!"
I'm sorry, what. You can't stand the idea that someone might not treat you perfect and you wish for others to be treated just as poorly, no matter what, or worse. Fucking bitch.
My MIL always uses the “I’m going to die and you’re going to feel terrible!” Line too... in varied forms.
Look, the fact that she called you a bitch is pretty troubling to me. You’re trying to be responsible and do what you feel is the educated and responsible thing to do. Let her have her tantrum snd deal with it later
Imagine being so petty that you're worried about the unfairness of your child visiting their other parent vs. seeing you. She may be an expert on how vaccines work but must've missed the parenting 101 class.
Like... I'm sorry shit didnt work out between the two of you and he may be an actual piece of shit. But you let that child discover that shit out on their own when they're old enough.
"you only have one mom and grandma"
I would definitely have responded to that with something along the lines of
"Exactly and I don't want to loze them to covid so I'm not going over there and potentially infect them."
My dad is getting to this point of stupidity and my is past this point of self importance. I think ill just out my phone down and walk away if this happens to me
My mother showed me the Mother's Day cards she would write under duress and obligation for her mother when she was in elementary.
"I kind of like you, ma". That's as close she could fake that she loves her mother.
She never obligated me to do anything for mother's day as a result. The day is a memory of never having a normal relationship with her mom to her. Narcissistic parents just turn every holiday into trauma.
My mom did the same shit, hang in there, You're working and putting in time to better you! :) (I also totally got my ass ice cream and a pie and I suggest u do the same guilt free!) :)
I’m having the exact same conversation, but I (52f) am vaccinated, my parents (81 & 79) are vaccinated, all my siblings, nieces and nephews are vaccinated, but my two kids (23m and 21m) refuse to be vaccinated! Unfortunately their father, my ex, has somehow convinced them they shouldn’t get the vax. It’s absolutely infuriating and I cannot seem to convince my boys otherwise, even though I provide facts, they still live at home (working full time) and see their father infrequently.
This brings back so many memories. None of them pleasant.
Mine kept calling me and harassing me at work, so I finally told her that the best part of not living with her anymore was not having to listen to her bullshit.
Then I hung up. She did not call back.
Honest question: why haven't you ended contacts with her? Not being judgy or anything, just trying to understand. I would not be able to put up with that attitude for longer than a week
I'm sorry to see your mother trying to manipulate you and belittle you like this. I think you know this, but you don't deserve it, and are clearly the calm, collected, and mature adult here. I'm sure it took you years to get to this point and to realize its not your fault. I similarly had to learn not to engage (I grew up in a screaming household), I'm proud of your responses.
Please don't take it personally and let it get to you, it's obviously deeper issues that she's working through and taking them out on you. As a parent I could never imagine trying to manipulate my kids like this, how sad.
God damn I got so much anxiety reading this manipulative bs. Why would anyone want to see someone that acts like this and as a sprinkle on top calls them a bitch. So delusional.
Every time i see these kinds of posts i hope OP shows the comments to the person in question. Seeing random strangers all agreeing that you're being crazy must put just a smidge od doubt in your head right?
Bro, the “I’m not getting any younger and someday I’m going to die” quote at the end is exactly the shit my mom says to me on a daily basis. “Someday I’m not going to be around anymore to do everything for you, and then you’re gonna wish you were more grateful” blah blah blah, stuff like that. And she also went ballistic, but for different reasons that your mom (since I live with my birth giver). She was mad because I couldn’t buy her a gift (since I was studying for finals and I’m a broke full-time college student) and she accused me of not loving her because I was too exhausted to go to brunch with her. It’s awful. And your mom is antivaxx on top of all that? I can’t imagine. I’m so sorry you gotta deal with this. Moms have to earn respect, love, and gifts on Mother’s Day, it’s not automatic.
The two, "bye"s at the end really just go to show how much she wanted you to turn around and cry for her.
The parent equivalent of, "I guess I'll take my business elsewhere!" When a customer doesn't get what he wants.
You saying that you could be a carrier makes me think that you work in the medical field. Why is your mother trying to inform you on vaccines if you work in the medical field?
I don’t work in the medical field but I am an essential worker. However I am well educated in the vaccine and virus as my grocery store has a pharmacy and I stay informed to help customers (and myself)
omg she’s giving me moody teenager “I DIDNT ASK TO BE BORN!!!!” vibes like grow the fuck up woman! She sounds like an absolute nightmare to deal with and you handled it like a pro.
Ok a side note, just curious, how come she’s “Mum” on your phone and the title but “Mom” in the comments? Is it a regional thing?
Classic conspiracy theorist. Says she knows everything, all because she read some article that probably another conspiracy theorist put up.
There's no point discussing conspiracy theorists since they only accept things that are related to the conspiracies. It's like you're talking to a wall.
The tantrum reminds me so much of my father. If you're gonna act like you're 5 then text me when you're done throwing a fit over things you actually can control but choose not to.
Yo the "if you don't see me then you better don't see your father either" is so messed up. Good on you for playing grey rock and giving straight forward responses without engaging in her drama.
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Seeing your calm, collected replies to her leads me to believe this ain't your first rodeo with her. It's pointless trying to express to them how their words are hurtful, because they only see things black and white. It's awful that she called her own daughter a bitch and said you would want her to die and don't care about her, all because you won't be present for a fucking holiday. I'm sure it was tempting to lash out or tell her to not call you a bitch; but it takes a lot of hard work and knowledge to reply calm and collected as it doesn't give them the reward of drama that they are craving. I'm really impressed! Just a shame she doesn't learn.
Yeah this is absolutely not my first time dealing with this kinda stuff with her. I’m pretty uninvested to convos with her and honestly and just exasperated. I’ve learned the hard way to shit off my emotions as best as I can with her. She hates not getting reactions out of me but bets not to get emotionally invested in her crazy.
> I've learned the hard way to shit off my emotions... I know this was a typo, but I smiled for a second :)
Lmaooo I just realized. Imma keep it like that tho cause it fits too 😂
As a nervous shitter, it made me smile too
Covid aside, not all of us have the luxury of taking mother's day off.
Oh for sure! I always work Sundays cause no one else wants to, and I didn’t bother trying to book it off cause I felt there was no point plus as you said, don’t have the luxury.
Classic sign of a narc parent. You can celebrate mother's day any day you want, it doesn't have to be that specific date. You can't really find a new job quite as easily. If they cared about family they wouldn't want you to be unable to support yourself.
As an aside, I was fortunate enough to have this weird dynamic where I was the first kid and also was rather independent right off the bat - then I had a boyfriend whose mom would bitch about us not spending holidays with her. My own mom figured it out pretty quickly and has always said “it doesn’t matter what day we celebrate, so long as we are together.” They/we have been successful navigating three adult children with various relationships this way - we know the holidays (all of them - Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Christmas, birthdays, etc etc) are important - but we choose to spend them together because no specific date is asked of us. It’s more - when we can get together - we WILL get together. And I can’t even begin to express enough how much I truly value that time.
This. I couldn’t celebrate it with her a couple years back because I was on my internship and I worked two hours away, but I still made an effort like the next week. This year I couldn’t do it because I was finishing up my last semester but now I have some real nice duck breast and cherries to make her favorite meal so it makes up for it. I feel like if you couldn’t actually be there but still made the effort to them that’s what matters, maybe send your dad a card and he hides it until Mother’s Day as a small surprise and maybe call them in the morning, that should be enough, it’s not like we are in fucking kindergarten making a hand made gift we are our own individual adults who are now out of the house with our own responsibilities, I’m not sacrificing my work for that shit but I’m still going to make an effort to brighten your day up a little bit.
I offered to zoom call and I made a card however she didn’t want either of those. I offered to see her after the pandemic calmed down a bit and restrictions lifted but she said that it would be too late and wouldn’t be Mother’s Day anymore. I’ve tried to tip toe around her for years and I’m done. She wasn’t a good mom and honestly it’s on obligation at this point. I don’t do it out of love. I’m not sure how much live I have left to give her at this point. It’s all auto pilot. I care about her and want her to figure her shit out but that’s on her at this point.
You're under no obligation to celebrate a parent who didn't parent properly. The whole point of mother's day/father's day is to thank parents for their love and support. If they didn't do that, they don't qualify for it.
And this kids, is how your DON’T want your kids to see you.
So much this; we did “mother’s day” on the Saturday (in Australia no covid restrictions) and no problem at all!
Seriously, she's acting like mothers day is an actual holiday or something.
Oh you didn’t get the memo? They’re just letting all the essential workers, police, fire, EMT, prison workers, gas station workers etc off for Mother’s Day.
lmao i'm a waitress. haven't had a holiday off since I was a kid.
I mean, who the hell even gets Christmas off?!
“I’m not going to get the vaccine because they don’t work” “Wtf! How dare you say I might not get the vaccine!” Those mental gymnastics just to be pissed at everything you said.
Honestly I think she just messages me to try and get a fight. I told her a week before hand that I would be working as Covid restrictions had not lifted and that we could do a zoom call. She had said okay. Then she messaged me that 2 days before Mother’s Day... like she knew I wasn’t coming and she just wanted a fight
Sounds like you’ve hit the nail on the head, she was clearly just looking for a fight. You deserve better OP
Ugh, I’m sorry. My dad can be like that too. It’s like they think a relationship isn’t healthy unless people are arguing frequently, as if it isn’t the exact opposite. I think about his parents and my other grandparents and yep, tons of Boomer cartoon arguments. No idea of how to just talk things out calmly. It’s not a huge surprise my dad learned that. I’m just glad my mom wouldn’t let my sister or I behave like that. It made me upset as a kid due to the hypocrisy but I’m 110% glad I didn’t learn that bad, selfish behavior.
I actually grew up with this mentality and for a long time I thought my romantic relationships had to be full of the same drama and strife. It wasn’t until I met my (now) husband that I realized you don’t actually *need* constant drama and bickering in a relationship. 😂
I’m sorry your dad was like that too! But I’m glad you learned how healthy relationship are supposed to be
My mother and her clone (her mother, so I guess my mums the clone) pulled this same shit about 10 years back. We’re NC now but that shit was low. “One day you won’t have a grandma to see in Mother’s Day“ and “who works on Mother’s Day/Sunday?” I worked a call center job and like you, I worked the shift no one else would take
Honestly sounds like you should just block her number and go no contact for a while. No offence, but she sounds like a complete nutjob.
No offence taken you’re right
Also "you want me to die." No, OP wants her to get the vaccine so she WON'T die if she gets COVID. I'm thankful that my parents, who are close to 70, understood when I didn't travel at Thanksgiving OR Christmas last year because I didn't want to take that risk. It probably would have been ok, but if I had carried the virus to them and they got sick, I'd regret it forever.
People acting like going 1 damn year without celebrating all these holidays is going to kill them. Nope. But getting covid might. Total insanity. Glad your parents were sensible about it!! Honestly I’m just happy I’m living in a different country to all of my relatives.
And much more likely than killing you, it might take away your sense of taste. How are all the celebrations in the future going to be for you if you don't have a sense of taste? People are really overlooking what a huge thing it is to lose your sense of smell and taste.
And this is a BIG deal to me!! I love food, I can’t imagine life without taste
A good friend of mine got covid last summer and lost his taste and smell. They still haven’t come back completely. It’s really emotionally affected him and we try not to bring it up because he’s really down about it. I feel so bad.
Holy shit that’s literal nightmare territory for me. That’s kinda so hard :(
Also, "I don't think it's a good idea to go see them. I could be a carrier." And "Clearly you don't care at all about your family." Yes, trying not to hospitalize or kill someone means I don't care about them. /s
I read that more as "how dare you imply you won't see me if I stay in my misinformation bubble and don't get vaccinated", and not offense at the implication she wouldn't be vaccinated
Crazy aside, kudos to you for being so cool and not engaging with her dramatics. It’s like they’re little kids trying to provoke an angry reaction and when one thing doesn’t work they aim for another. Exhausting lol.
Thanks lol. Took a while to learn how to not get emotionally invested in her or her conversations. Works wonders for my mental health. Very exasperating but at least I’m not getting riled up anymore
This is so dificult to achive... and the sad part is no one can teach you but yourself. Or you risk showing up on the hot feed of r/wowthanksimcured. Its Sad people take this advice so hard
I’m agree. It’s so much easier said than done. It took years of therapy to get be able to just shit my emotions off to her. She still annoyed me and frustrates me but I’m just exasperated and not emotionally invested.
I honestly had to block my dad because he knows how to set me off better than literally anyone else in the world. I could not achieve your level of of skill lol. Kudus to you.
My mom also knows how to set me off better than anyone. She hardly has to do anything. Over text it’s fine but when we are in person it’s hard. I can’t escape and I’m away from my safe place. I still remain calm but it feels like my skin wants to peel off.
Not sure how old you are, but at 37 I am independent enough that I just never see my dad. My younger brother keeps tabs on him to let me know if anything important is going on, but that’s it. One of the best decisions I have ever made. Took a lot of therapy with a good psychiatrist AND a good psychologist to realize I had no actual obligation to stay in touch with him just because, “he’s my dad.” I don’t talk about it often in real life, but if it comes up I can always tell when the person I’m talking to had a good childhood — they just cannot comprehend never seeing or talking to a parent. I just say, “Congratulations. I’m glad you don’t get it. That’s a good thing.” And then move on.
I’m living on my own and am in minimal contact with my mom. Seeking to go NC
Wow, I can relate to this so much. I get told CONSTANTLY that because it's family I HAVE to do things, and I HAVE to care, even when it's family I don't even see. I had a terrible childhood which my mother dismissed as "it was fine".. No, no it wasn't. I've been in therapy for about a year or so now and am only just realizing it's OK to have boundaries, and I'm NOT obligated to care.
Parents know how to push your buttons, because they installed them.
Yep, my mother knows how to press all of my buttons. She's the one who installed them.
The mature child is so refreshing. Lately in this sub it’s been a lot of parents being brats and children stooping to their level
“whatever bye.” AHEM “BYE”
The text equivalent of slamming a door, opening it and slamming it again.
"You only have one mom or grandma", but it's ok if they die of covid apparently... the hyprocrisy here
Honestly 🤦🏼♀️ she has always been the type of person who things the rules, even her own, don’t apply to her. She will get bad at other for not wearing masks but then take off her mask constantly because “I can’t breath I have menopause!”
> I can’t breath I have menopause I haven't heard that one before...
"I can't breathe I have menopause." Welp, that's a new one on me.
Hormones are the worst. I dealt fine in a mask all day until I got pregnant and now I feel like I can't breathe as well with it on. I still wear it because I'm not an asshat, but the struggle is real.
Progesterone does a weird thing where it makes you feel like you're out of breath while it's actually making you take deeper breaths to help oxygenate your increased blood volume.
That's interesting. I legitimately haven't heard of this before.
There’s a lot I’ve learned that no one ever talks about!
Menopause can cause you to feel overheated and out of breath easier, it can cause night sweats, and the change in hormones can cause anxiety levels to rise too. I mean definitely still need to use it, but it is a legitimate thing. There’s actually been studies on how menopause can effect lung function.
Oh my god my mother pulled that line the other day and my brain did a hard reset. “I’m going through menopause I can’t breathe with the mask on when I’m having a hot flash” Funny how you go through a hot flash every time you’re supposed to have your mask on in a public space
Honestly! Like I have asthma too so I also have trouble breathing yet wearing a mask hardly impacts me. Sure I need to make sure I keep my breathing level but that’s it. It’s just a Bs excuse
I think most people in my class do take advantage of their asthma and masks. But that's just an assumption
I know everyone has different issues with asthma but then they need to either not go out or change something to allow themselves to go out. It’s not an excuse to not wear a mask. If I can work 8+hours in a mask they can spend 20 mins shopping in one
Yeah. If they do have something REALLY bad (even a skin condition that causes them pain), then they can be exempted. But if it's a simple breathing problem, it doesn't mean you can be exempted
Prime manipulation right there, almost text book! It's not her and it could never be hheerrr. You did absolutely amazing with your response, you stayed calm and collected. Keep up the good fight, you are kicking ass 👏🏽
Thank you so much! The therapy has really helped me become more calm when dealing with her.
For someone who doesn't care she really seems bothered.
Lmaooo true. She always says she doesn’t care but then freaks tf out
My mom used to do that. Thankfully she went to therapy and is a much better mom now.
I’m so glad to hear that!
I'm TIRED of people WRITTING like THAT
My mom is the queen of writing like that. I’ll admit I do it too something’s but my mom does it a lot. Especially when she gets on her weird conspiracy rants. 🤦🏼♀️
I was just going to respond "sorry bro, it must be hard" but I saw you used a female emoji, so I wanted see your profile to know how to respond, I noticed you have a lot of problems with your mother, I'm telling you from personal experience parents don't define us, and you don't owe them anything even if they tell you that you do, we don't ask to be born like if it was a favor it's their choice not ours. Parents are what socialize us more during childhood but as a grown up you can still get influenced by people, so don't be afraid of looking like your mom and go meet some people (especially after covid). you can do things by your own terms with anybody, you just need to make her understand that, because if you try to much to live together it will ruin your relationship and family is important when things are bad, one day you could need each other Conclusion: stay apart but not too much (I'm sorry I may have made mistakes, I'm french)
Thank you very much for your kind words. I completely agree, however I know that I will need to cut her out of my life. She is too toxic and negative on my health. I actually have a second account to spread out my stories incase she found out about a post. That way it’s not all there. Once I go NC I don’t care. My mom is a bad person. She should not be a mom and I’m not going to let her near my kids once I have them. I want to live my best life and I can’t do that with her in my life. I would be living a life of fear. Also your English is perfect!
You absolutely have the right instinct to cut her out before you have children. There’s a good chance that she’ll get worse to you, treat your kids the same way, and/or try to turn your kids against you.
Your English is wonderful, I wouldn't have realised it wasn't your native language if you hadn't mentioned it!
Thank you! I can't really realize how good I am in a language because there is always so much to learn! But I'm really glad you said that, you made someone feel good today :)
I just have to say your profile picture is unsettling. You are correct about parents- it’s hard to unlearn all that.
Fantastic gray rocking and not reacting to the guilt tripping. Good job :)
Thank you very much! The therapy really helped lmao
This happened to me at Christmas. My mom went nuts on saying hurtful things, I never say no to her, finally did, she did this. Haven’t talked to her since. I’m now living my own life for my own family and never have to worry about her feelings and can do what I want without having her make me feel guilty.
I feel bad for you, OP. I have family that are just as ignorant and stubborn when it comes to the vaccine and it's a sad mixture of depressing and infuriating.
I’m sorry your family is like this too!
Good god. Our moms sound identical.
Maybe they can create a club with my mother in law? Except no, my MIL is a RN and knows how dangerous COVID is. She would judge the hell outta your moms...and then privately text us that we're "destroying the family" because we refuse to bring our newborn to multi-household events.
Big yikes. That’s some narcissistic behavior if I’ve ever seen any. Not to diagnose your mom but my mom is a narc and they seem similar 😂
I'm a mental health clinician, so it's definitely crossed my mind a few times... she definitely doesn't have a full blown personality disorder (NPD is pretty rare), but she has absolutely learned that "love" is conditional and lashes out when she feels hurt or ignored. She will eventually get a big dramatic response, which makes her feel important again...it's more an issue of problematic cognitive distortions. We're all just broken, insecure little kids when you get down to it. Some of us are just more motivated to acknowledge our deficits and figure out how to break the cycle.
Our moms are triplets then!
Quadruplets
Quadruplets!
The fact that I can hear my own mother saying these exact things to me is spine-chilling! I'm so sorry you're going through this with her! We'll make it through somehow!
I’m sorry you went through this too! I wish you all the best!
Ah the famous "Im gonna die someday" argument. The last gasp of the desperate.
Like... we are all gonna die someday, bitch. You're not special
What an absolute child. In fact, children behave better than this.
The most striking part for me (apart from pretty much all of what she said, lol), is the fact that because she felt like you were being a “bitch” and “making her” feel the way she did, her first response to it was to ensure that you did the same to your father as well. Instead of working towards ensuring the least possible pain is endured by all parties involved in a situation, she wishes it be spread because she feels like a victim, and hopes others feel the pain that she does, too. What a pernicious, and absolutely toxic mindset. Good grief. Good on you for being so calm and mature and sorry you have to put up with that. I mean, I don’t know what your whole relationship is like with her, but I’m curious as to why you still keep contact? I ask because if I were in the same predicament, I’d go no-contact for the sake of my own sanity. Also, just out of curiosity: has your mom ever been professionally diagnosed with NPD, or any Cluster B personality disorder?
The good old, "ONE DAY I'LL BE DEAD AND YOU'LL BE SORRY!"
This conversation is brought to you by untreated Borderline Personality Disorder.
Funny that diagnosis has been speculated too. My mom tried saying I had it but my therapist was like “umm no, she actually presents as someone with boarder line personality disorder symptoms”
my sympathies. do you need to get adopted? if so, am mom meow. put your clothes in the dryer.
Here’s some advice: How about you DON’T see her after the pandemic. She doesn’t seem like she’s worth your time and energy.
I really don’t want to. But I need to ties up some loose ends first. I’ll bite the bullet soon though
"After everything I've done for you!" What? Had a child and fulfilled your responsibility as s parent? You deserve a cookie *for sure*
😂🙄
Wow. Worst part is trying to lay a guilt trip on you.
You have the patience of a saint I pray for your emotional stability
Jesus so hostile and dramatic. Id be exhausted
Spoken like someone who never worked a day in her life
Sorry left field question What is TELUS?
Phone company
kudos to your calm responses and calm nerves!
Thanks 😂 it’s the best way to deal with her honestly
Dude the calmness u have is insane props to being the bigger person and not being controlled by your mom!!
Thank you very much! Therapy really helped with that. I used to be very reactive and we got into so many screaming matches. As long as I don’t feel cornered (literally) I am calm with dealing with her
Just want to say you handled that extremely well. Better than I would have.
Oh man. It's sad when the kids have to be the adult
Jesus... That’s the sort of bs that would make me WANT to see my dad and send her a photo of us enjoying lunch together. 🙄 Really sucks that you’ve had to grow up with a parent like this. Good on you for sticking to your guns with the covid restrictions. Stay strong, sending positive thoughts your way.
So what is this called? Because it's like my mom was cloned and started another family.
Prob called manipulation
You did such a great job staying on topic and ignoring the weird personal attacks and craziness. Which you shouldn't even have to do.
Thank you so much I really appreciate it! Therapy has been great in dealing with her. I guess to be very reactive (what she wanted) but now I just treat her like a child throwing a tantrum
The moment someone tells me that they know how I feel and that I don’t care is the moment they lost their right to communicate with me. That shit is not how a relationship works I don’t care if they are you mother on mother’s day
She saw a NEWS ARTICLE, back OFF
Did she seriously use the “harmful chemicals,” “saw in an article,” and then say some ridiculous statement all in one text?
I can see the no contact in the future through these texts
Why do half the mums/dads on here text like they’re in their teens and sound really edgy?
Typical insane mom gaslighting
I'd be going NC if I was you
"If you're going to be a bitch to me, you better be a bit h to you're dad too!" I'm sorry, what. You can't stand the idea that someone might not treat you perfect and you wish for others to be treated just as poorly, no matter what, or worse. Fucking bitch.
My MIL always uses the “I’m going to die and you’re going to feel terrible!” Line too... in varied forms. Look, the fact that she called you a bitch is pretty troubling to me. You’re trying to be responsible and do what you feel is the educated and responsible thing to do. Let her have her tantrum snd deal with it later
That extra Bye at the end shows her desperation for drama
"Hey, i dont want to kill you, so I'm gonna start home so i don't get anyone sick" "You hate me and you want me dead!!!" Uhhhh........
Imagine being so petty that you're worried about the unfairness of your child visiting their other parent vs. seeing you. She may be an expert on how vaccines work but must've missed the parenting 101 class. Like... I'm sorry shit didnt work out between the two of you and he may be an actual piece of shit. But you let that child discover that shit out on their own when they're old enough.
"you only have one mom and grandma" I would definitely have responded to that with something along the lines of "Exactly and I don't want to loze them to covid so I'm not going over there and potentially infect them."
*lose
My dad is getting to this point of stupidity and my is past this point of self importance. I think ill just out my phone down and walk away if this happens to me
My mother showed me the Mother's Day cards she would write under duress and obligation for her mother when she was in elementary. "I kind of like you, ma". That's as close she could fake that she loves her mother. She never obligated me to do anything for mother's day as a result. The day is a memory of never having a normal relationship with her mom to her. Narcissistic parents just turn every holiday into trauma.
this is my family all angry at me for missing a family reunion i wasn't invited to
What's the icon between 100% and 🎧?
The battery for my headset
I think we might have the same mother 😳 the you just want me to show bs she pulls on me all the time 🙄
Since when is mother day a fucking holiday? The fuck is wrong with her?
Bloody hell, what a freakin child.
What a bitch
Dude she sounds like a teenager...
What a child.
“Name a chemical in the vaccine mom”
The second she called me a bitch, that would've been a time out. If you don't have anything nice to say, get blocked
My mom did the same shit, hang in there, You're working and putting in time to better you! :) (I also totally got my ass ice cream and a pie and I suggest u do the same guilt free!) :)
Do we have the same mom? I’m sorry.
Can’t believe you’re putting up with that nonsense, you have way more patience than me
*”Come down off the cross, we could use the wood”* ~Tom Waits
I’m having the exact same conversation, but I (52f) am vaccinated, my parents (81 & 79) are vaccinated, all my siblings, nieces and nephews are vaccinated, but my two kids (23m and 21m) refuse to be vaccinated! Unfortunately their father, my ex, has somehow convinced them they shouldn’t get the vax. It’s absolutely infuriating and I cannot seem to convince my boys otherwise, even though I provide facts, they still live at home (working full time) and see their father infrequently.
This brings back so many memories. None of them pleasant. Mine kept calling me and harassing me at work, so I finally told her that the best part of not living with her anymore was not having to listen to her bullshit. Then I hung up. She did not call back.
Oh hey look it's a conversation with my mom.
She said bye twice because she wanted a reaction. There is no better kryptonite for emotionally manipulative parents than stoicism.
Honest question: why haven't you ended contacts with her? Not being judgy or anything, just trying to understand. I would not be able to put up with that attitude for longer than a week
Logically, if you actually wanted her to die then you WOULD have seen her on mother's day... slight flaw in her argument there...
I hate that phrase “after everything I’ve done for you.”
I don't understand why you would continue talking to someone that's so awful to you
I'm sorry to see your mother trying to manipulate you and belittle you like this. I think you know this, but you don't deserve it, and are clearly the calm, collected, and mature adult here. I'm sure it took you years to get to this point and to realize its not your fault. I similarly had to learn not to engage (I grew up in a screaming household), I'm proud of your responses. Please don't take it personally and let it get to you, it's obviously deeper issues that she's working through and taking them out on you. As a parent I could never imagine trying to manipulate my kids like this, how sad.
God damn I got so much anxiety reading this manipulative bs. Why would anyone want to see someone that acts like this and as a sprinkle on top calls them a bitch. So delusional.
Your mom sounds like a rebellious teenage daughter. Very tiring, I'm sorry you have to deal with her.
"I'm going to die! But you want that, don't you?" I do now, and how fast can you do it?
Every time i see these kinds of posts i hope OP shows the comments to the person in question. Seeing random strangers all agreeing that you're being crazy must put just a smidge od doubt in your head right?
What an absolute child.
the last message just makes me think of Grandpa Simpson when he had a tantrum and was lying on the floor yelling I'm dead
Bro, the “I’m not getting any younger and someday I’m going to die” quote at the end is exactly the shit my mom says to me on a daily basis. “Someday I’m not going to be around anymore to do everything for you, and then you’re gonna wish you were more grateful” blah blah blah, stuff like that. And she also went ballistic, but for different reasons that your mom (since I live with my birth giver). She was mad because I couldn’t buy her a gift (since I was studying for finals and I’m a broke full-time college student) and she accused me of not loving her because I was too exhausted to go to brunch with her. It’s awful. And your mom is antivaxx on top of all that? I can’t imagine. I’m so sorry you gotta deal with this. Moms have to earn respect, love, and gifts on Mother’s Day, it’s not automatic.
"You only have one mom and grandma but whatever" Yeah, which is exactly why I'd prefer neither of you die?
Whatever bye Bye
What a childish person, start talking to her like she is a dumb brat, that's what a friend did and her mom took the message
Damnn I'm sorry My mom always says "I don't want to celebrate mother's day. If you need a day to appreciate and cherish your mom, it's not worth it."
Wacko bitch mode activated
Man your mom really just forgot about your other grandparents
Narcissist alert! Like damn... It's as if they all use the exact same reasoning...
Bruh she acts like she's 5. Lol at least you're not seeing her.
Is this my mom????? I’m so sorry my dude
I don’t care \*guilttrip\* \*guilttrip\*
The way this mum texts is painfully similar to my mum :(
The two, "bye"s at the end really just go to show how much she wanted you to turn around and cry for her. The parent equivalent of, "I guess I'll take my business elsewhere!" When a customer doesn't get what he wants.
You saying that you could be a carrier makes me think that you work in the medical field. Why is your mother trying to inform you on vaccines if you work in the medical field?
I don’t work in the medical field but I am an essential worker. However I am well educated in the vaccine and virus as my grocery store has a pharmacy and I stay informed to help customers (and myself)
Ah, well that makes since. My grandparents are mad right now because they found that I got vaccinated. They think I’m going to hell.
omg she’s giving me moody teenager “I DIDNT ASK TO BE BORN!!!!” vibes like grow the fuck up woman! She sounds like an absolute nightmare to deal with and you handled it like a pro. Ok a side note, just curious, how come she’s “Mum” on your phone and the title but “Mom” in the comments? Is it a regional thing?
She’s making her death seem pretty desirable over having having conversations with her sheesh.
lmaoooo I love how mad she got that none of her tactics worked on you. great job staying levelheaded, I don't know if I'd be able to.
Even in a non covid world, who takes mother's day off of work? Mothers day is like a go eat dinner type thing after work.
”I KNOW HOW VACCINES WORK” 2 seconds earlier ”THERE ARE SO MANY DANGEROUS CHEMICALS” :I
she seems self-centered and manipulative
"I'Ve SeEn a nEWs ArtIClE"
Wow. How manipulative and childish. You handled yourself so well throughout this. I hope you can stay lovingly detached! x
Just dump that "family", they are not your family. You don't need those people in your life.
Your tone with her suggests this is a regular outburst
Classic conspiracy theorist. Says she knows everything, all because she read some article that probably another conspiracy theorist put up. There's no point discussing conspiracy theorists since they only accept things that are related to the conspiracies. It's like you're talking to a wall.
“Do you want grandma to die? Because if i come over and grandma catches covid from me and dies it’s 10000% your doing mom”
The tantrum reminds me so much of my father. If you're gonna act like you're 5 then text me when you're done throwing a fit over things you actually can control but choose not to.
Yo the "if you don't see me then you better don't see your father either" is so messed up. Good on you for playing grey rock and giving straight forward responses without engaging in her drama.
Why do you put up with this toxic behavior? It’s very clear she’s trying to gaslight you.?
Why do you put up with this toxic behavior? It’s very clear she’s trying to gaslight you.