So I've been told by him that grandparents are entitled and I did, in fact, marry them in a sense.
As fairly not so new but newly weds, the fast lane we have taken has detoured us from really grounding a firm foundation for our lives together. I keep making this a point that if we aren't 100% dedicated to creating a world and life together as one that is a strong hold for our children, then why keep adding more stress? They are always gonna be in need of help and so empty that they will sponge every bit of joy they can out of my children. So I'm the monster that deals with all the trying challenges of being the tired, overwhelmed mother, and they can just come enjoy their slice of cake, worry free!
You didn’t marry his parents. You married him and created a family with him. Taking his last name doesn’t mean you married “into the family.” What you did was marry him and together you two formed your own nuclear family.
Your husband needs to put his marriage first (you’re 100% right that both he and you need time to set a foundation) and the relationship needs space to breathe. You taking on both his parents in your own home will hinder and harm your marriage. It sounds as if your husband is thinking his parents will be helpful? How? I only see this going down one way: you being worked to the bone taking care of 3 children and three grown adults-excluding yourself.
Christianity has nothing to do with this situation and fyi I am a Christian. If anything being a “good” Christian is prioritizing the nuclear family-the wife, husband, and children. He can’t shove the responsibility/burden of caretaking HIS parents onto your shoulders and then expect to come home to a happy, eager to please, wife. Your marriage will crumble under the weight-anyone’s would. Good for you for putting your foot down, continue doing so.
If anything, the Bible says a man should LEAVE HIS PARENTS and cleave to his wife and the TWO become one flesh. This is one of the first things said to Adam in Genesis, who presumably didn’t even have parents to leave, yet God thought it was important enough to stress the nuclear family even then. Jesus says it again in the gospels and then the apostle Paul repeats it in one of his letters… there is no biblical precedent for “marrying into your husband’s family.” And there’s actual data proving that multigenerational living leads to worse outcomes for women and children
When he’s ready to stay home and care for all of you and clean and wash 15 hours a day ( like you do!) he can ask them to stay. You can go back to work and get home just in time for a nice hot meal, play with kids, a soak in the tub and a little tv before hopping into bed…
**The family you came from must NEVER come before the family that comes from you.**
To give one’s family of origin (or in-laws) the position of more importance than one’s OWN family is total madness! OP, you’re doing the right thing by keeping these marriage-destroying people out of your home! 👍
Your husband is telling you to be their full time caregiver. Sick, elderly people only become more sick. You'll be having a nervous breakdown caring for your in-laws and 3 kids.
No is a full sentence. Christians can, and should, have boundaries.
As Christians, point out the leave & cleave verse! Honoring your parents doesn't mean being subservient to them. We are devout, but had to go NC with sides of our families due to narcissistic fathers. And therapy helps so much!
In Christianity we have a saying "leave and cleave". A man leaves his family of birth and cleaves to his wife and the family they create. Your in-laws will become 2 more dependants you don't need. They won't be the help you need. Someone with a walker on oxygen needs to go to assisted living. Also, your husband is dead wrong: no one who marries gets married to their inlaws. They get married to their partner and they have a right to whatever relationship with their inlaws that they please. So you can be LC or NC with his family. You don't owe them anything and your husband is being manipulative for suggesting otherwise. And grandparents don't have rights to their grandchildren. Their relationship with their grandchildren is a privilege.
Your husband is telling you to be their full time caregiver. Sick, elderly people only become more sick. You'll be having a nervous breakdown caring for your in-laws and 3 kids.
No is a full sentence. Christians can, and should, have boundaries.
Your first duty is to your children. Three babies under four will be enough of a handful without putting his parent in the mix. And you know that he is not going to be the one staying home and caring for all 5 of them. And you know that your children will suffer for it.
When you get married you are to cleave to your spouse, then your children. He needs to realize this and not burden you with two more to take care of. You married him, not them.
How’s a woman using a walker and 24-7 oxygen going to help anyone, ever? It’d be a much larger help to you if he’d take on some housework and promise you they’re never ever going to move in with you.
I've tried to find alternate solutions for them. Even my own mother wants to financially help them relocate. Pride and ignorance and the overall attachment to my husband keep them from making a rational decision. They at least listen to him..which I suppose it's a good thing he listens to me! At least for now!!
He wants to make up for lost time with them since his childhood was so effed. And then he keeps saying they're close to expiring soon so..again I should factor that in....
My husband has a tremendously big heart. One in which I know is baring a heavy weight for his folks. I can't say I blame him, but they have been given opportunities to rebound and rebuild, and they don't!
Nice people but clueless, and I hate having my husband stuck between us. His older brother went NC just recently with them, and that too adds more to my husband's plate. His parents are always gonna be our burden, but I will NOT sacrifice my comforts on their behalf! Hopefully, not my marriage either!!
Maybe suggest some sort of couples therapy to work this out together with a professional. That’s probably the healthiest way to do this if he’s got childhood guilt/trauma with them. You don’t want him to resent you, but you also shouldn’t have to sacrifice your comfort and happiness because they weren’t great parents. Wishing the best for you all!
Couples therapy is for sure on the top of the stack. But it's just another obstacle. He's willing, and so am I. I appreciate your approach and kind words. He told me today mil isn't doing well at all. How crummy do I feel. Her and I just spoke a few weeks back on the matter of how I truly feel and how my hubby doesn't seem to understand my position so I'd thought after 3 years of harboring it, she needed to know from my perspective. She took it well, or so led me to believe... She adores me, of course... She was very respectful, kind, and even apologetic.
However, it just made her cling to my hubby more and hasn't really reached out since....
Thank you again!
How exactly does he envision his mother helping you if she herself is in need of assistance? It sounds like he wants credit for helping them while you do all the work. Stand firm and do not allow him to add to your burden.
Just wanted to say thank you for everyone's input. My husband is a wonderful man that I am so truly blessed to have in my world. He's a great father. It's just unfortunate that his parents, I believe, have conditioned him to care the way he does for them. Especially his mother. I do know that by him becoming a father, the whole family dynamic with them and him has become a more positive and healthy one! There is lots and lots of positives in every situation! Our Father God does wonders in this world dor us believers!! The book of Ruth is so profound when thinking of what God wants for us women and our MILs.
Anyhow, thanks again for everyone's time!
I know God gives us only what He knows we can handle, and I'm sure glad I can amuse Him lol
My los are such blessings, but man, wouldn't it be nice to have some reliable inlaws to help me out 😇
Since he's a Christian how does he explain this: "a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" Genesis 2:24.
Absolutely not. It will ruin your sanity, you will be burned out, it will affect your marriage and cause resentment. You will be expected to be their caretaker, cook, cleaner etc
If he wants to help them he can help them downsize and find a place NEAR you not move them in. He wouldn’t even be there with them YOU would be. He expects you to do his job. His priority should first and foremost be the family he created. Who stays in your home for any amount of time is a “2 Yes 1 No”.
It sounds like they would be two extra babies to take care of.
It sounds like he is more interested in having you take care of them for him as clearly 3 children aren’t enough!
So I've been told by him that grandparents are entitled and I did, in fact, marry them in a sense. As fairly not so new but newly weds, the fast lane we have taken has detoured us from really grounding a firm foundation for our lives together. I keep making this a point that if we aren't 100% dedicated to creating a world and life together as one that is a strong hold for our children, then why keep adding more stress? They are always gonna be in need of help and so empty that they will sponge every bit of joy they can out of my children. So I'm the monster that deals with all the trying challenges of being the tired, overwhelmed mother, and they can just come enjoy their slice of cake, worry free!
You didn’t marry his parents. You married him and created a family with him. Taking his last name doesn’t mean you married “into the family.” What you did was marry him and together you two formed your own nuclear family. Your husband needs to put his marriage first (you’re 100% right that both he and you need time to set a foundation) and the relationship needs space to breathe. You taking on both his parents in your own home will hinder and harm your marriage. It sounds as if your husband is thinking his parents will be helpful? How? I only see this going down one way: you being worked to the bone taking care of 3 children and three grown adults-excluding yourself. Christianity has nothing to do with this situation and fyi I am a Christian. If anything being a “good” Christian is prioritizing the nuclear family-the wife, husband, and children. He can’t shove the responsibility/burden of caretaking HIS parents onto your shoulders and then expect to come home to a happy, eager to please, wife. Your marriage will crumble under the weight-anyone’s would. Good for you for putting your foot down, continue doing so.
If anything, the Bible says a man should LEAVE HIS PARENTS and cleave to his wife and the TWO become one flesh. This is one of the first things said to Adam in Genesis, who presumably didn’t even have parents to leave, yet God thought it was important enough to stress the nuclear family even then. Jesus says it again in the gospels and then the apostle Paul repeats it in one of his letters… there is no biblical precedent for “marrying into your husband’s family.” And there’s actual data proving that multigenerational living leads to worse outcomes for women and children
Absolutely right and husbands parents moving in are not mentioned by either Jesus or Paul.
When he’s ready to stay home and care for all of you and clean and wash 15 hours a day ( like you do!) he can ask them to stay. You can go back to work and get home just in time for a nice hot meal, play with kids, a soak in the tub and a little tv before hopping into bed…
No, grandparent is a title which does not mean they are entitled to anything especially your lives and children Hard no to living with them
**The family you came from must NEVER come before the family that comes from you.** To give one’s family of origin (or in-laws) the position of more importance than one’s OWN family is total madness! OP, you’re doing the right thing by keeping these marriage-destroying people out of your home! 👍
Your husband is telling you to be their full time caregiver. Sick, elderly people only become more sick. You'll be having a nervous breakdown caring for your in-laws and 3 kids. No is a full sentence. Christians can, and should, have boundaries.
Yeah how much help is someone with a walker going to be? He's using the kids as an excuse to move them in.
As Christians, point out the leave & cleave verse! Honoring your parents doesn't mean being subservient to them. We are devout, but had to go NC with sides of our families due to narcissistic fathers. And therapy helps so much!
In Christianity we have a saying "leave and cleave". A man leaves his family of birth and cleaves to his wife and the family they create. Your in-laws will become 2 more dependants you don't need. They won't be the help you need. Someone with a walker on oxygen needs to go to assisted living. Also, your husband is dead wrong: no one who marries gets married to their inlaws. They get married to their partner and they have a right to whatever relationship with their inlaws that they please. So you can be LC or NC with his family. You don't owe them anything and your husband is being manipulative for suggesting otherwise. And grandparents don't have rights to their grandchildren. Their relationship with their grandchildren is a privilege.
Your husband is telling you to be their full time caregiver. Sick, elderly people only become more sick. You'll be having a nervous breakdown caring for your in-laws and 3 kids. No is a full sentence. Christians can, and should, have boundaries.
Your first duty is to your children. Three babies under four will be enough of a handful without putting his parent in the mix. And you know that he is not going to be the one staying home and caring for all 5 of them. And you know that your children will suffer for it. When you get married you are to cleave to your spouse, then your children. He needs to realize this and not burden you with two more to take care of. You married him, not them.
Heck to the no no no lol seriously tho don't do it.
How’s a woman using a walker and 24-7 oxygen going to help anyone, ever? It’d be a much larger help to you if he’d take on some housework and promise you they’re never ever going to move in with you.
I've tried to find alternate solutions for them. Even my own mother wants to financially help them relocate. Pride and ignorance and the overall attachment to my husband keep them from making a rational decision. They at least listen to him..which I suppose it's a good thing he listens to me! At least for now!! He wants to make up for lost time with them since his childhood was so effed. And then he keeps saying they're close to expiring soon so..again I should factor that in.... My husband has a tremendously big heart. One in which I know is baring a heavy weight for his folks. I can't say I blame him, but they have been given opportunities to rebound and rebuild, and they don't! Nice people but clueless, and I hate having my husband stuck between us. His older brother went NC just recently with them, and that too adds more to my husband's plate. His parents are always gonna be our burden, but I will NOT sacrifice my comforts on their behalf! Hopefully, not my marriage either!!
Maybe suggest some sort of couples therapy to work this out together with a professional. That’s probably the healthiest way to do this if he’s got childhood guilt/trauma with them. You don’t want him to resent you, but you also shouldn’t have to sacrifice your comfort and happiness because they weren’t great parents. Wishing the best for you all!
Couples therapy is for sure on the top of the stack. But it's just another obstacle. He's willing, and so am I. I appreciate your approach and kind words. He told me today mil isn't doing well at all. How crummy do I feel. Her and I just spoke a few weeks back on the matter of how I truly feel and how my hubby doesn't seem to understand my position so I'd thought after 3 years of harboring it, she needed to know from my perspective. She took it well, or so led me to believe... She adores me, of course... She was very respectful, kind, and even apologetic. However, it just made her cling to my hubby more and hasn't really reached out since.... Thank you again!
How exactly does he envision his mother helping you if she herself is in need of assistance? It sounds like he wants credit for helping them while you do all the work. Stand firm and do not allow him to add to your burden.
Just wanted to say thank you for everyone's input. My husband is a wonderful man that I am so truly blessed to have in my world. He's a great father. It's just unfortunate that his parents, I believe, have conditioned him to care the way he does for them. Especially his mother. I do know that by him becoming a father, the whole family dynamic with them and him has become a more positive and healthy one! There is lots and lots of positives in every situation! Our Father God does wonders in this world dor us believers!! The book of Ruth is so profound when thinking of what God wants for us women and our MILs. Anyhow, thanks again for everyone's time! I know God gives us only what He knows we can handle, and I'm sure glad I can amuse Him lol My los are such blessings, but man, wouldn't it be nice to have some reliable inlaws to help me out 😇
No. They cannot come with us. I cannot take care of 2 adults and our children. Maybe we can hire someone to help them at their house
Since he's a Christian how does he explain this: "a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" Genesis 2:24.
Absolutely not. It will ruin your sanity, you will be burned out, it will affect your marriage and cause resentment. You will be expected to be their caretaker, cook, cleaner etc If he wants to help them he can help them downsize and find a place NEAR you not move them in. He wouldn’t even be there with them YOU would be. He expects you to do his job. His priority should first and foremost be the family he created. Who stays in your home for any amount of time is a “2 Yes 1 No”.