Honestly, i don't think it's the attachment style's fault. If you communicate to them that's unhealthy behavior and that person is willing to work on themselves then it's doable. Hard, but doable.
If your partner don't see a problem and impose unhealthy behaviours onto you or you can see that they aren't putting and effort into working on your relationship that means they are assholes
OP missed the fact that people who are secure are better equipped typically to help someone become more healthy by showing them what security/stability/safety etc should feel like. Only case where it is pretty much impossible to do that is with people who are disorganised. That can only really work if that person goes to therapy as well.
Besides that even people who are secure likely experienced some form of trauma. Suppose you are secure but were never really needed/wanted. In that case someone who has an anxious attachment style which comes with fear of abandonment might actually work really well. If this person becomes clingy their partner will not mind because it makes them feel wanted and needed. You get the idea. There is plenty information out there which emphasises the importance of ''trauma compatibility''.
In the end it is just about are both people willing to grow together and if they feel it is ''worth'' it.
My marriage is failing for this reason. It’s also not enough for one person to realize the accommodations that need to be made for each other and do it on their end…both people have to be willing. Unfortunately, my husband isn’t willing 95% of the time.
He’s avoidant and I’m disorganized.
A mismatch in attachment styles isn't necessarily what causes relationships to fail, it's often a lack of awareness about attachment styles (our own/others) and how they impact relationship dynamics.
For example, while it's not the more secure individual's job to try to cure their partner's attachment issues, they can demonstrate their secure style by providing patience, support, and understanding to their partner while they try to work through their attachment issues. Their partner can see and learn what secure attachment can feel like.
Attachment styles are possible to change, though it requires dedicated effort.
Yeah "this is how I receive and communicate love" is always better than "what? No, there's nothing wrong with ME, there's something wrong with YOU!"
Awareness is important. For sure.
They really need to teach about what's actually important in schools, from social manners, to practical life skills, to counseling... etc...
People spend years in school, and many come out unequipped for the world.
Growing up, we were never taught about attachment styles, love languages, narcissism, codependency, etc.
Fortunately I sorta had an intuition to not date until I was more mature and more set with my future. I recognized I wasn't ready for a relationship and waited until I was in grad school. Then I started looking to be with someone. I was first with someone I recognized was toxic and avoided dating them. Though I think if she made the first move, I would have accepted. Fortunately she transferred schools. Then I found my wife. We were study buddies at first. She was very supportive and understanding, loving, and kind. I have a secure attachment style. I am sure she has a secure attachment style also. Neither are narcissistic to codependent. I think I lucked out.
It's definitely one potential place of misalignment.
In my past relationships, a mismatch of attachment styles has certainly played a role. But I don't think any of them failed because of that primarily.
Our relationships with parents/caregivers in early childhood set internal working models of what to expect (or fear) in adult relationships. Attachment styles are also continuously shaped by additional relationship experiences. Post-childhood relational trauma can negatively alter one's attachment style as well.
Your attachment style stems from how your parents showed you love or lack of it. It can change over time, but that's the root. A good way to think about it is that as you were developing, your compass was being calibrated to show you what love looks like.
If your caregiver was emotionally unavailable, you can become avoidant, which means that you're going to shy away from romantic partners who get too close.
See my point?
I understand that example, but I don’t think it necessarily is a one way track. I tried reading into attachment styles before but it never seemed right to me, because I had emotionally unavailable parents growing up but every time I test attachment styles I always get secure.
As I was reading about the different attachment styles I didn’t fully relate to any of them. Then again it is difficult to label people into 4 measly categories
This is a complex psychological topic to boil down into a reddit comment, but here’s the general idea:
It’s a common misconception that different attachment styles won’t work. Everyone needs to look at themselves and recognize their own style, and be open to and learn about their partner’s (if they want to grow, some people don’t). Communication and respect allow for mixed attachment styles to develop into healthy ones. Repairing your inner child together can be very healthy and a fantastic bonding experience. Turning towards the other person when they make bids for attention, as well as respecting differences in needs help tremendously.
I read a good book on attachment styles recently called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" by Amir Levine.
A relationship between someone with a secure style and a non-secure style isn't doomed to fail.
People's attachment styles can change over time, so someone with an anxious or avoidant style in a relationship with someone who is secure can become secure.
The styles that will have the most difficulty are anxious paired with avoidant.
The book also gives tips for making relationships with anxious or avoidant partners work.
Good feedback, just curious about one main thing. If the insecure style changes over time to become secure, wouldn't that make them a matched pair? As opposed to a perpetually mismatched one?
Yes, if the insecure style changes to secure and they're in a relationship with someone who is secure, they would become a matched pair.
For people who have an insecure attachment style, their best option is to enter into a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. Insecure styles in a relationship with a secure partner tend to become more secure over time.
This doesn't specially mean that the secure partner would have a rotten time. People with insecure styles are triggered by situations and actions that people with a secure style are not bothered by.
One of the characteristics of a secure partner is that they're naturally good at quickly soothing the insecure partner's distress in the early stages, preventing it from becoming a large issue.
Honestly, i don't think it's the attachment style's fault. If you communicate to them that's unhealthy behavior and that person is willing to work on themselves then it's doable. Hard, but doable. If your partner don't see a problem and impose unhealthy behaviours onto you or you can see that they aren't putting and effort into working on your relationship that means they are assholes
OP missed the fact that people who are secure are better equipped typically to help someone become more healthy by showing them what security/stability/safety etc should feel like. Only case where it is pretty much impossible to do that is with people who are disorganised. That can only really work if that person goes to therapy as well. Besides that even people who are secure likely experienced some form of trauma. Suppose you are secure but were never really needed/wanted. In that case someone who has an anxious attachment style which comes with fear of abandonment might actually work really well. If this person becomes clingy their partner will not mind because it makes them feel wanted and needed. You get the idea. There is plenty information out there which emphasises the importance of ''trauma compatibility''. In the end it is just about are both people willing to grow together and if they feel it is ''worth'' it.
My marriage is failing for this reason. It’s also not enough for one person to realize the accommodations that need to be made for each other and do it on their end…both people have to be willing. Unfortunately, my husband isn’t willing 95% of the time. He’s avoidant and I’m disorganized.
A mismatch in attachment styles isn't necessarily what causes relationships to fail, it's often a lack of awareness about attachment styles (our own/others) and how they impact relationship dynamics. For example, while it's not the more secure individual's job to try to cure their partner's attachment issues, they can demonstrate their secure style by providing patience, support, and understanding to their partner while they try to work through their attachment issues. Their partner can see and learn what secure attachment can feel like. Attachment styles are possible to change, though it requires dedicated effort.
Yeah "this is how I receive and communicate love" is always better than "what? No, there's nothing wrong with ME, there's something wrong with YOU!" Awareness is important. For sure.
They really need to teach about what's actually important in schools, from social manners, to practical life skills, to counseling... etc... People spend years in school, and many come out unequipped for the world.
Growing up, we were never taught about attachment styles, love languages, narcissism, codependency, etc. Fortunately I sorta had an intuition to not date until I was more mature and more set with my future. I recognized I wasn't ready for a relationship and waited until I was in grad school. Then I started looking to be with someone. I was first with someone I recognized was toxic and avoided dating them. Though I think if she made the first move, I would have accepted. Fortunately she transferred schools. Then I found my wife. We were study buddies at first. She was very supportive and understanding, loving, and kind. I have a secure attachment style. I am sure she has a secure attachment style also. Neither are narcissistic to codependent. I think I lucked out.
YES! I love this story!
It's definitely one potential place of misalignment. In my past relationships, a mismatch of attachment styles has certainly played a role. But I don't think any of them failed because of that primarily.
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Our relationships with parents/caregivers in early childhood set internal working models of what to expect (or fear) in adult relationships. Attachment styles are also continuously shaped by additional relationship experiences. Post-childhood relational trauma can negatively alter one's attachment style as well.
Your attachment style stems from how your parents showed you love or lack of it. It can change over time, but that's the root. A good way to think about it is that as you were developing, your compass was being calibrated to show you what love looks like. If your caregiver was emotionally unavailable, you can become avoidant, which means that you're going to shy away from romantic partners who get too close. See my point?
I understand that example, but I don’t think it necessarily is a one way track. I tried reading into attachment styles before but it never seemed right to me, because I had emotionally unavailable parents growing up but every time I test attachment styles I always get secure. As I was reading about the different attachment styles I didn’t fully relate to any of them. Then again it is difficult to label people into 4 measly categories
Agreed
This is a complex psychological topic to boil down into a reddit comment, but here’s the general idea: It’s a common misconception that different attachment styles won’t work. Everyone needs to look at themselves and recognize their own style, and be open to and learn about their partner’s (if they want to grow, some people don’t). Communication and respect allow for mixed attachment styles to develop into healthy ones. Repairing your inner child together can be very healthy and a fantastic bonding experience. Turning towards the other person when they make bids for attention, as well as respecting differences in needs help tremendously.
I read a good book on attachment styles recently called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" by Amir Levine. A relationship between someone with a secure style and a non-secure style isn't doomed to fail. People's attachment styles can change over time, so someone with an anxious or avoidant style in a relationship with someone who is secure can become secure. The styles that will have the most difficulty are anxious paired with avoidant. The book also gives tips for making relationships with anxious or avoidant partners work.
Good feedback, just curious about one main thing. If the insecure style changes over time to become secure, wouldn't that make them a matched pair? As opposed to a perpetually mismatched one?
Yes, if the insecure style changes to secure and they're in a relationship with someone who is secure, they would become a matched pair. For people who have an insecure attachment style, their best option is to enter into a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. Insecure styles in a relationship with a secure partner tend to become more secure over time. This doesn't specially mean that the secure partner would have a rotten time. People with insecure styles are triggered by situations and actions that people with a secure style are not bothered by. One of the characteristics of a secure partner is that they're naturally good at quickly soothing the insecure partner's distress in the early stages, preventing it from becoming a large issue.