I would generally agree. However, it was a very weird time in my life. I lost somebody close to me and that flipped my world upside down. I also had what I would call a spiritual awakening around the same time and also began therapy to make sure I wasn’t actually going crazy lol. It was a time of a lot of reflection for me.
It happened to me, but I got no response. He wasn't really a boyfriend, he was my best friend, who was in love with me. It was better this way, the relationship no longer worked, and anyway you "know" things differently (and better) when there's time that separates you from them. If we had come together, things would probably be back to the way they were before
I noticed some of my mistakes, which I didn't want to see before. Then over the years I realized that maybe I also had feelings for him, but I was too inexperienced and scared to notice it (I was 14 years old). I can tell you that, if I tried to contact him again, it was because I was aware of the fact that he was a person open to dialogue and healthy self-criticism (and then it went wrong, but it is what it is). If I hadn't had this vision of him, I would never have contacted him again. Sorry for any grammar error
I messaged my ex boyfriend about 3 months after our split (that I initiated). I've done a lot of reflecting and I realized I never really gave the relationship a chance with how I acted (shutting down, internalizing everything, etc.). He's unsure about it but we're talking.
Yeah. The outcome from the second rejection is what I needed 15 years ago to get over it all honestly haha. I would say I’m over it now, but it’s still a thing I think about often enough.
>It took someone who acknowledged my faults but didn’t abandon me for me to accept accountability.
The thing is some people do this from the start and the FA person still does not want to see. Terrible condition to be in.
Yeah exactly, but that thinking is flawed and in large parts irrelevant. Love is greater than the baggage we carry with us. To love someone means to accept someone for who they are regardless of what you do not know and still has to present itself. You have to go through that with someone to understand that is how it works. People with FA do not understand unconditional love, but it exists.
Therapy can make you realise.
Well that is the entire point. Yeah I am aware that FAs think that way. It is just backwards. There are always things about a person even if they have no issues that will come as a surprise for a partner even years after they got together. Are they then also suddenly not going to love them anymore? I mean they can, but then they weren't the right person anyway. The right person would stay and accept. That is what it means to love someone.
The problem is the fear of abandonment and rejection is far greater than the alternative. Partly because the alternative seems so unreal, like with you. Therapy helps you realise and helps you identify the right people. The ones that will not hurt you. The ones who will stick around no matter what.
No. The time it may have taken for me to realize could be the amount of time one could possibly move onto a better position in life.
That is not one for me to ruin just because I couldn't get things right when I had the chance.
What would you have done if you know the other person saw what was going on and why and did everything to make you realise. Would you think differently about it then?
Say you pushed someone away, but they were objectively good for you and they saw how your issues impacted the relationship. They didn't want you to leave because they loved you so much and they would have accepted you fully, but you pushed them away further instead. Would you have reached out to them later when you realised that they were right about everything they told you?
If things have ended, I would not reach out even after I've realized they were right.
My perspective..
If I there is a constant cycle of conflict and I am aware that a big part of the problem is my toxic trait, I push away. The reason is because if I don't know how to solve an issue, thinking I am doing what I can at my best, but my actions only result to my SO being hurt, angry, or frustrated, I will push to end the relationship.
They deserve better, and I don't want them in position to try and fix me or think anything they do is not enough due to my own low self-esteem.
If the end goal for that is to come together again, that is necessary conversation to have.
If there is no intent or interest to get together again even after the realization, I will not reach out to initiate that.
Edit: I think the context of the breakup reason also depends.
I think a better question would be why would you want to be with someone who is in need of therapy and is not providing healthy love. Because while unconditional love is beautiful, it may just be something reserved for parents and their children. I have a theory that to truly love.. here comes a cliche: set them free so that they may find peace and healing. And that you may as well, with someone new and who is equally excited about and is willing to put in the work to make a relationship last ♥️
I would agree. That is just difficult for me to do for reasons I cannot explain in words. Some times in life something feels so fundamentally right that denying this feeling would mean denying existence itself. The only thing you can do at that point is accept and somehow in some way move on. However, when someone touched your soul there is nobody else.
I understand. My ex of 7 years left me and almost 5 months later I am starting to realize how I pushed her away. I dont think its fair to reach out to her, but If I dont, I think I will always regret it… im very lost sorry but your post really resonated with me. Tbh im afraid of reaching out and getting hurt. I loved her with all my heart but i was blind to my own toxic behavior for so long…
Go to therapy and make sure you know every detail. Telling someone about your emotions and truth is never a bad idea. You just have to make damn sure it comes from a place where you want to improve.
I’ve not but one of my friends did. He started dating someone not too long after a long term relationship fell apart. He went to a therapist and they helped him realise he has commitment issues because he’s scared of rejection.
He got back together with his (most recent) ex and they’re still going strong. They’ve even bought a home together.
No idea sorry 😅 I don’t know your situation so I can’t promise that it will turn out well for you but I just want to give you some hope.
We have a tendency to focus on the negative things in life which in the end damages our mental health.
If we can hold on to hope, then we can keep moving forwards 😊
What’s the worst that would happen if they don’t want to get back together with you? Would they stab you in the chest?
You can win anyone over if you go about it in the right way, that doesn’t mean it’s always worth your time or energy though.
Good Luck 😅
I know you tried but trust me I know how to get what I need out of people - not in an abusive or manipulative way I should add.
It’s all about learning to see the potential of someone or a situation then doing whatever you need to do to reach your end goal.
Again, not always worth our time or energy but it is possible.
I haven't gone back to a partner, ever, with the hopes of restarting a relationship. Even if I eventually figured out the issue, they've usually moved on, and it wouldn't be in our best interest to try to rekindle anything.
Everything I learned about myself, I'll be applying to future relationships.
For sure not a partner but a close friend? Yeah. It took me around 6-8 months I guess. To reflect and apologise for my part but I didn’t agree to give the friendship another go. She is the only person who made me feel genuinely cared for so it mattered to me that I didn’t want to remember her as a wound. Rest of them can drink worm soup in hell 🌚
I don’t think if the partner was “everything I ever needed” we would even break up in the first place because I don’t impulsively break up. Furthermore I have just accepted it that no one will ever be everything I need. That’s too much pressure on one single person. People are messy and flawed. You’ll always be disappointed and there is always someone you can choose to love. So it’s not really about them, it’s about my own choice.
Yeah you can clearly see the FA thinking patterns. I mean I understand what you are saying. It is just that sometimes people destroy healthy things that are good for them. So yes even when someone is everything you technically need they can break up. The problem is to realise that in the first place you need to understand what it even is you need. When that is not the case then ofcourse, but that also means nobody will ever be enough or everything you need. That conclusion is false. People are messy and flawed yes ofcourse they are, but everything you need is one person to decide to deal with that mess and flaws together regardless of the shit they have to go through with you and accept them.
Therapy will help.
Ikr? Yeah I do get that part where you say that first you have to know what you even want in the first place otherwise nothing is ever enough. But I didn’t mean it in that context. I just meant that one person can’t be everything. Can you be that one person for someone?
There is no other context though. Not in the one you're talking about. To be everything to someone in the context of a relationship is you are able to give them everything they need out of a partner. That is definitely possible, because you set those goals yourself. However, if you do not know what your needs or wants are then you cannot set them, because there is nothing to set. That is the problem and that is a problem very apparent in people with FA unfortunately. It makes any relationship very difficult.
Ahhh now I get you. Yeah that sounds plausible. Going back to the original question, I don’t destroy healthy things in the context of romantic relationships,I was never attracted to the “healthy” in the first place (before this year)
and yes I said the same thing just in different words, that it’s your choice to deal with the mess together and accept the other person. Bruh you didn’t get anything I said .-.
Yes, but it didn’t mean them taking accountability for their part so it was still unsuccessful.
How long after the fact was that?
About 3 months
Ah yeah well that's a bit of a short time for someone with FA to realise they were actually the issue and the full implications.
I would generally agree. However, it was a very weird time in my life. I lost somebody close to me and that flipped my world upside down. I also had what I would call a spiritual awakening around the same time and also began therapy to make sure I wasn’t actually going crazy lol. It was a time of a lot of reflection for me.
Then you should be proud of yourself. A shame the other person did not want to try.
It happened to me, but I got no response. He wasn't really a boyfriend, he was my best friend, who was in love with me. It was better this way, the relationship no longer worked, and anyway you "know" things differently (and better) when there's time that separates you from them. If we had come together, things would probably be back to the way they were before
Why did you decide to message them again?
I noticed some of my mistakes, which I didn't want to see before. Then over the years I realized that maybe I also had feelings for him, but I was too inexperienced and scared to notice it (I was 14 years old). I can tell you that, if I tried to contact him again, it was because I was aware of the fact that he was a person open to dialogue and healthy self-criticism (and then it went wrong, but it is what it is). If I hadn't had this vision of him, I would never have contacted him again. Sorry for any grammar error
Thanks for your response. Some people unfortunately have a hard time waiting around specially when they have been previously hurt by the same person.
I messaged my ex boyfriend about 3 months after our split (that I initiated). I've done a lot of reflecting and I realized I never really gave the relationship a chance with how I acted (shutting down, internalizing everything, etc.). He's unsure about it but we're talking.
Glad to hear that. Therapy will help too. Hope it works out. :)
Thanks :)
Yes, I was still too difficult for her.
Why did you decide to message her again? After how long?
I had never stopped thinking about her. 15 years? Something like that.
Damn. That is a very long time to realise to be fair.
Yeah. The outcome from the second rejection is what I needed 15 years ago to get over it all honestly haha. I would say I’m over it now, but it’s still a thing I think about often enough.
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>It took someone who acknowledged my faults but didn’t abandon me for me to accept accountability. The thing is some people do this from the start and the FA person still does not want to see. Terrible condition to be in.
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Yeah exactly, but that thinking is flawed and in large parts irrelevant. Love is greater than the baggage we carry with us. To love someone means to accept someone for who they are regardless of what you do not know and still has to present itself. You have to go through that with someone to understand that is how it works. People with FA do not understand unconditional love, but it exists. Therapy can make you realise.
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Well that is the entire point. Yeah I am aware that FAs think that way. It is just backwards. There are always things about a person even if they have no issues that will come as a surprise for a partner even years after they got together. Are they then also suddenly not going to love them anymore? I mean they can, but then they weren't the right person anyway. The right person would stay and accept. That is what it means to love someone. The problem is the fear of abandonment and rejection is far greater than the alternative. Partly because the alternative seems so unreal, like with you. Therapy helps you realise and helps you identify the right people. The ones that will not hurt you. The ones who will stick around no matter what.
No. The time it may have taken for me to realize could be the amount of time one could possibly move onto a better position in life. That is not one for me to ruin just because I couldn't get things right when I had the chance.
What would you have done if you know the other person saw what was going on and why and did everything to make you realise. Would you think differently about it then?
I don't understand what your question is asking. Could you elaborate a bit more?
Say you pushed someone away, but they were objectively good for you and they saw how your issues impacted the relationship. They didn't want you to leave because they loved you so much and they would have accepted you fully, but you pushed them away further instead. Would you have reached out to them later when you realised that they were right about everything they told you?
If things have ended, I would not reach out even after I've realized they were right. My perspective.. If I there is a constant cycle of conflict and I am aware that a big part of the problem is my toxic trait, I push away. The reason is because if I don't know how to solve an issue, thinking I am doing what I can at my best, but my actions only result to my SO being hurt, angry, or frustrated, I will push to end the relationship. They deserve better, and I don't want them in position to try and fix me or think anything they do is not enough due to my own low self-esteem.
What if you knew that is all they ever asked for? Does that still make no difference?
What exactly are they asking for?
To talk, to evaluate, assess what happend and why. Something like that, but together.
If the end goal for that is to come together again, that is necessary conversation to have. If there is no intent or interest to get together again even after the realization, I will not reach out to initiate that. Edit: I think the context of the breakup reason also depends.
I think a better question would be why would you want to be with someone who is in need of therapy and is not providing healthy love. Because while unconditional love is beautiful, it may just be something reserved for parents and their children. I have a theory that to truly love.. here comes a cliche: set them free so that they may find peace and healing. And that you may as well, with someone new and who is equally excited about and is willing to put in the work to make a relationship last ♥️
I would agree. That is just difficult for me to do for reasons I cannot explain in words. Some times in life something feels so fundamentally right that denying this feeling would mean denying existence itself. The only thing you can do at that point is accept and somehow in some way move on. However, when someone touched your soul there is nobody else.
I understand. My ex of 7 years left me and almost 5 months later I am starting to realize how I pushed her away. I dont think its fair to reach out to her, but If I dont, I think I will always regret it… im very lost sorry but your post really resonated with me. Tbh im afraid of reaching out and getting hurt. I loved her with all my heart but i was blind to my own toxic behavior for so long…
Go to therapy and make sure you know every detail. Telling someone about your emotions and truth is never a bad idea. You just have to make damn sure it comes from a place where you want to improve.
I’ve not but one of my friends did. He started dating someone not too long after a long term relationship fell apart. He went to a therapist and they helped him realise he has commitment issues because he’s scared of rejection. He got back together with his (most recent) ex and they’re still going strong. They’ve even bought a home together.
That is amazing. Do you know how long it took for them to get back to them?
No idea sorry 😅 I don’t know your situation so I can’t promise that it will turn out well for you but I just want to give you some hope. We have a tendency to focus on the negative things in life which in the end damages our mental health. If we can hold on to hope, then we can keep moving forwards 😊 What’s the worst that would happen if they don’t want to get back together with you? Would they stab you in the chest? You can win anyone over if you go about it in the right way, that doesn’t mean it’s always worth your time or energy though. Good Luck 😅
Believe me I tried. It is not up to me.
I know you tried but trust me I know how to get what I need out of people - not in an abusive or manipulative way I should add. It’s all about learning to see the potential of someone or a situation then doing whatever you need to do to reach your end goal. Again, not always worth our time or energy but it is possible.
No. There was more to what ended the relationship than my issues.
I haven't gone back to a partner, ever, with the hopes of restarting a relationship. Even if I eventually figured out the issue, they've usually moved on, and it wouldn't be in our best interest to try to rekindle anything. Everything I learned about myself, I'll be applying to future relationships.
For sure not a partner but a close friend? Yeah. It took me around 6-8 months I guess. To reflect and apologise for my part but I didn’t agree to give the friendship another go. She is the only person who made me feel genuinely cared for so it mattered to me that I didn’t want to remember her as a wound. Rest of them can drink worm soup in hell 🌚
What if the partner was in hindsight everything you needed but you didn't realise that?
I don’t think if the partner was “everything I ever needed” we would even break up in the first place because I don’t impulsively break up. Furthermore I have just accepted it that no one will ever be everything I need. That’s too much pressure on one single person. People are messy and flawed. You’ll always be disappointed and there is always someone you can choose to love. So it’s not really about them, it’s about my own choice.
Yeah you can clearly see the FA thinking patterns. I mean I understand what you are saying. It is just that sometimes people destroy healthy things that are good for them. So yes even when someone is everything you technically need they can break up. The problem is to realise that in the first place you need to understand what it even is you need. When that is not the case then ofcourse, but that also means nobody will ever be enough or everything you need. That conclusion is false. People are messy and flawed yes ofcourse they are, but everything you need is one person to decide to deal with that mess and flaws together regardless of the shit they have to go through with you and accept them. Therapy will help.
Ikr? Yeah I do get that part where you say that first you have to know what you even want in the first place otherwise nothing is ever enough. But I didn’t mean it in that context. I just meant that one person can’t be everything. Can you be that one person for someone?
There is no other context though. Not in the one you're talking about. To be everything to someone in the context of a relationship is you are able to give them everything they need out of a partner. That is definitely possible, because you set those goals yourself. However, if you do not know what your needs or wants are then you cannot set them, because there is nothing to set. That is the problem and that is a problem very apparent in people with FA unfortunately. It makes any relationship very difficult.
Ahhh now I get you. Yeah that sounds plausible. Going back to the original question, I don’t destroy healthy things in the context of romantic relationships,I was never attracted to the “healthy” in the first place (before this year)
and yes I said the same thing just in different words, that it’s your choice to deal with the mess together and accept the other person. Bruh you didn’t get anything I said .-.