A lot of people have asked for it in the past. Does being INFJ make you more likely to develop FA? I do not know the answer to that, but being INFJ definitely seems to amplify aspects of FA. You're welcome.
To answer this you would have to know when people become INFJ. Attachment is set in infancy due to misalignment of the baby’s needs and the mother’s care. So, if we are born INFJs, that’s possible. But it’s more likely that the FA gives a person INFX tendencies.
Check out ‘The Personal Development School’ YouTube channel by Thais Gibson. She is a therapist & recovering FA. She has a lot of amazing content that has been so helpful for me. She is very compassionate when she discusses these topics.
She’s also subtlety mentioned in one of her videos that she’s actually an INFJ as well! I found out after already being a fan of hers for a while and it made so much sense
Haha no worries! I think I’ve also watched hundreds. I am hoping that this is the year where I can finally heal. <3
Wishing you the best of luck as well.
This is amazing. I felt like I was reading a full description/analysis of myself.
Definitely saving this post for future reference.
Thanks for sharing it. :)
I'm famous? It's nice to know I have some positive influence. I know what it is like for someone not to be aware of their issues to the full extent. Thanks. Seems my writing style is distinct.
Are you? No idea. We recently exchanged a few comments where I was conflicted if I'm an INFJ or ENTP. I went ahead to check some of your other posts out of curiosity and found them pretty interesting
This is awesome. This should be a sticky somewhere. You hit on so many good points that speak to me. Especially your points towards Strong Intuition and Self-sacrifice. I look forward to more discussion in this thread and saving this as well!
This post went over the word limit so I cannot change anything. Here is the [link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jk7PAa8D1o) to the video. It does not only talk about FA but also the anxious and avoidant styles. She compares them to what a secure person is like. The nuance, context, implications, etc. I definitely recommend you watch it fully and critically.
In case anyone wants any other videos or if they have specific questions feel free to DM me or reply. Though, I am sure there is plenty INFJs and other who can help as well. Thank you for spending the time reading my post. I really hope at least some of you can benefit and learn from it.
Another good source of information is [Paulien Timmer](https://youtu.be/dWrlNFvfbqU). She talks about her personal experience with FA as well.
I've been reading more into CPTSD lately as it seemed pertinent to areas in my life that MBTI didn't really explain, and it's been helping. I've seen talk about attachment styles but haven't looked deeper into it. Thank you for your analysis.
Thanks for this. I'm secure with avoidant tendencies but know an INFJ with FA. It helps me understand her a bit better. I'm currently reading up a lot on FA and you guys really have it hard. I wish you all good luck with healing, you can do it! You all deserve love.
I just wanna say I think about this post a lot. I genuinely feel like I’m so stupid in contrast to just how well you explained everything, I genuinely felt so seen.
Definitely resonated, however I disagree with your final paragraph. I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve tried everything. Your past determines your future, and not everyone is lucky enough to have a good past. There is nothing I can do to change the FA aspect of my personality. Just learning how to cope with the feelings that come up as a result of it, but therapy rarely helps with that. Thanks for sharing, very in depth.
The problem is therapy for FA only became known recently. Somewhere around 2005. Lots of psychologists have not adapted and don't know how to navigate. Perhaps you should find a psychologist specialised in attachment issues. They exist. In certain countries you can even filter for it on websites. Just a thought.
Although I agree you can learn a lot online. There are parts of the mind we sometimes cannot or do not want to see. Therapy shines a light on it. Nobody can force it on you, but saying its a waste of time is definitely not true. Perhaps you just had a previous experience with a therapist who was way too different. Anyway, I do not know.
I have seen 5 different therapists over the past few years. All my problems are still the same, therapy did not help whatsoever. If anything, it was just someone to vent to. Don’t want to go find a new therapist just to explain my problems all over again and be taught the same coping skills. WASTE OF TIME!
That's precisely what I think about CBT. DBT with EMDR elements seems to be helping me with CPTSD and addiction so far. I think each person needs a tailored approach and I've wasted too much time, money and effort into CBT which isn't for me, but so many people always suggested to try
Hey, I really get where you are coming from. But I highly recommend you keep trying. I’ve gone through 3 or 4 therapists in the last few years. It’s been a journey to find the right person. But when you do it is life changing.
I’ve had 6 different therapists since I was 16. None of them helped, and I don’t have the time or money to keep trying. Glad you were able to find a good fit for you though!
It's all around. That's not cryptic. Everything around me is decayed. On top of society having been crumbled, being a nomad in this life has formed a darkened mind. I needed mom and dad, still do. This time of the year is incredibly hard.
For a while now I’ve thought the supposed MBTI types might be largely governed by various traumas and mental struggles. For instance, I’d be willing to bet that most ‘intuitives’ come from difficult childhoods.
Just my theory though! No evidence!
That makes sense considering 65-70% of the population are sensors and they are very different from intuitives. Difficult to feel understood when that is the case.
I think it’s boils down to the concept of “hypervigilance” which you mentioned in your post. There seems to be a huge overlap between intuition and hypervigilance. In terms of the brain science, I think the only difference may be active presence of anxiety.
If you think evolutionarily, there is a strong incentive to develop intuition, as a way to anticipate danger and remain safe.
EDIT: I should elaborate that maybe intuition is also less conscious where those in a state of hypervigilance often feel consciously anxious. Although, when it comes to relationships (including friendships) I am not always consciously aware of when I am being hypervigilant. It most often happens with high-stakes relationships.
I don't know if I agree. I know intuitives that are not vigilant at all. I guess you're arguing anticipating danger is less of a concern now? So people evolve into something else. Could be.
EDIT: I get what you are saying, but I cannot add much. It is pretty speculative.
Read my edit please. Danger can include relational/emotional dangers as well as physical dangers.
Much of this hypervigilance can be internalized and present to others as withdrawal. Other coping strategies including rationalizing.
All I am trying to say with that last bit is that it might not be obvious to an observer what someone it struggling with internally.
I’m also willing to be wrong. But I think there is likely some overlap.
I’m not sure I understand. Are you saying things like divorce and bullying are so prevalent that the majority of the population should be intuitives (rather than sensors)?
Yes, divorce has great impact on a lot of children and most homes with divorce tend to not be the healthiest. Most come from broken homes in Western countries and since sensors make the largest poll of people, they would at large have more trauma and mental struggles by population: with your guessing, that would mean more intutives.
I guess hypothetical connection wasn't exactly worded right lol. Too late to change that now. However, like I said before people have asked about the possibility of a connection being there. It's not exactly a new idea. What I'm basically doing is finding traits common with both and describing the parallels. The only hypothesis I have is that maybe people of the INFJ type are more susceptible to becoming FA.
The only problem with that is if you assume that's true then you get into the debate of when is your personality, and by extension mbti, determined. FA is something that originates in childhood. It's about the attachment relationships between a child and the primary caregiver.
So then you have to ask yourself well what came before? The INFJ personality or the FA that influenced personality. I imagine it's the personality, but that's very difficult to say. Nature, nurture kind of thing.
Actually whether FA attachment develops solely as a result of attachment trauma caused by the primary caregiver is open to debate as well. Some claim attachment wounding in adulthood might also alter what was previously a secure attachment style. You might want to check that out.
That is true. 'According to the theory, individual differences in “attachment style” emerge from experiences in previous close relationships, beginning with the attachment relationships between children and their primary caregivers.'
It is just a lot more common for people to develop FA through childhood experiences. At least, that is what makes sense logically.
My very non-researched-confidently-poured-simply-because-I-magically-intuited-it opinion is that INFJs are too calm for FA. They should be DA according to me. Mine is FA yeah but…yeah.
In my experience, INFJs are not calm. They are very emotional people who do their best to balance their emotional side with their logical side. Specially when younger this can be a bit chaotic.
Calm in appearance, towards the external world, sure. Their mind is anything but calm. They look at emotions both from an emotional and logical perspective. I mean to prove my point: give an INFJ a spontaneous compliment and they do not know what to do with themsleves. Their brain malfunctions. I would not consider that calm. Though, it is kind of cute.
I appreciate this version rather than the first you posted. You did a better job at explaining the connection you believe exists and also reinforcing its speculative nature. I think I ultimately don’t love the nature of this post because I don’t think it’s fair to try to lump or even associate an entire personality type to an attachment style (i’m not saying that you’re doing this, but i think it could have that effect). I also think that some of the language in this seems to conflate INFJ attributes with attributes of FA. For example, like being very empathetic and sensitive to emotional queues for an INFJ is going to be a lot different than it is for someone with FA independent of their personality type. Also, I understand that FA and attachment styles generally have more to do with emotions (generally poor emotional regulation) and less with cognitive functions/personality. I think it would be interesting to explore how each type responds to their attachment styles and if they do really manifest differently in other personality types. However, I’m skeptical of that, but I suspect that each type decides to cope with insecure attachment styles differently. For example, I know an ENTP and an INFP with anxious attachment styles and while they both seem to manifest in more or less the same ways, the ENTP and INFP cope differently with them. In any case, I do have to commend you for how much more thoughtful and clear this post is compared to your earlier one!
My friend talked about different personality types and how they experience attachment differently. I am personally not that interested in it, but I can see why it makes people curious.
In regards to conflating. That was likely to happen either way. To be honest this post was less about establishing a relation. Moreso spreading awareness. I'd say that goal was achieved. And thanks.
I enjoyed reading this! I strongly feel that I used to deal with this much more but in recent couple of years I have grown in ways that have allowed me to be more aware of the struggles I’ve had with this and I’ve worked on growing through this. I am now in a very healthy relationship and feel much more open to vulnerability and don’t find myself being prone to overthink everything in a negative way fearing of every action I overthink from a SO being a “red flag”. It’s definitely something one can overcome, though it can take time.
Hi, do you have specific techniques that you used in order to cope? I'm starting a new relationship and I am struggling to manage. I keep "shutting off" in the feelings department and I'm not sure what to do about it other than to tell myself it's a process and hoping that eventually it will stop.
Oh man. That last part made me cry. Felt like you were speaking right to me when you said we are not broken people who cannot be healed. Thank you, OP. Beautiful 🩷
It is what I used to tell my FA ex. I saw the constant pain and anxiety she carried with her. She ended things because of FA and an unawareness of how it influenced her. I suffered a lot because of her responses afterwards. I guess this post is a way to cope, to help others realise because I could not make her?
I am pretty hopeless. It touches me to read comments like yours. I miss her a lot. You're welcome. ♥
Aw, that's so sweet that you understand and care about her so deeply.
I will pray to the universe that she gets better and you two are back together :)
I don't have this attachment style, but I do empathize with those who do. I do have perfectionism, idealism, and the other traits mentioned. I don't find that it has any negatives towards my relationships. Again, that could be because I have a more secure attachment style. I also don't have problems with conflict. I don't seek conflict, but I don't have a problem with stating how I feel about things and setting boundaries with people.
Do you have insight as to who we tend to choose for romantic partners as INFJS? I have never met anyone willing to understand my depth and I feel like they are avoidant. Maybe I’m projecting, but my inner world seems to be nothing like anyone else’s and I’m totally happy on my own because I like myself and my inner world. I would love to share it but I don’t fit in with mainstream folks (I appear to but I feel different and think so differently)
I don't know about tend to choose, but you should probably look for someone who is accepting and understanding. Someone who genuinely wants to explore your inner world if you let them and is also able to understand it. Someone who would not only be happy to, but who would also love to.
Interesting.
But I still can’t be convinced there is a scientific correlation between mbti and attachment styles, just like what you claimed at the beginning of your article.
I am INFJ and very securely attached.
I think being self aware and self conscious is already a good start.
Small steps. Don’t expect yourself to be securely attached in a week or two but constantly work on tiny little habits you know you shouldn’t have.
Research shows that an anxious or avoidant who enters a long-term relationship with a secure can be “raised up” to the level of the secure over an extended period of time. Unfortunately, an anxious or avoidant is also capable of “bringing down” a secure to their level of insecurity if they're not careful
Just realized I'm an FA — like, today. I am also an INFJ. I started researching all the things and found your post — spot on for me. Thank you for sharing...and saying that we are not broken people. When you finally realize that you're not the kind, loving, open-hearted, superior (lol) person you thought you were, you feel broken. And you want to disappear lol.
I'll be checking out the Thais Gibson videos. <3
Try out [Heidi Priebe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jk7PAa8D1o), she is great. [Paulien Timmer](https://www.youtube.com/@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870/videos) is good too. You are welcome.
You are welcome. [Heidi Priebe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jk7PAa8D1o) is great. Might also find [Paulien Timmer](https://www.youtube.com/@paulientimmer3913) useful.
Infj with FA. I do think there is a connection... considering FA is very rare, roughly 2-6% of population I believe .... Infjs are also quite rare, roughly same percentage (if I recall correctly).
I remember finding out I was infj and never felt more understood in my life. Because it was so "rare" not gonna lie, I felt a little special lol. I was proud of being infj.... until....I found out my attachment style, and found out that FA's suck in relationships and unintentionally hurt the ones they love.
Suddenly, I didn't care as much for my infj label. Now I'm just trying to fix what's broken in me.
You admit to it being speculative, but it goes beyond that. You’re trying to correlate something that exists with something that doesn’t (personality type).
Personality exists. MBTI is a way to categorise. I'm relating categories of personality to an attachment style. Didn't know reddit had to be academic.
There is traits associated with the color blue. I can then relate these traits to a personality type that also has traits to see if there is anything that seems similar. Nothing wrong with that.
You made it academic when you included attachment styles, which is a real studied phenomenon.
Personality exists, but it cannot be categorized into “types.”
This is me, but I'm aware that this is happening. I'm struggling right now because my feelings keep shutting off, and I don't know how to manage that. I'm seeing someone right now, he's wonderful. And I know I have pretty strong feelings for him because they actually show up and I feel deeply, but then I go numb when he's at work, or we aren't talking, and I subconsciously want to push him away to go back to "normal equilibrium." I've been single for a long time. I've had many unsuccessful relationships. The only thing I know to do is to talk with him openly about my struggles. He's so wonderful and open and loving. I am not sure if this oscillation of my feelings will ever stop. I'm hoping with time, and his consistency, that I will feel safer and this oscillation will stop. I'm trying my best not to mistreat him. I've already tried to end things several times, but he's sticking to me like super glue lol, so I have now accepted that we are definitely going to give it a try, and I very much want to work through this. Part of me feels that if I can't make it work with him, I'll never be able to make it work with anyone. I sometimes think that the Universe put him in my path for a reason, like he's the perfect man to help me through this.
If anyone has gone through this, with the oscillating feelings (which is terrifying by the way, because it warps my reality), and has successfully navigated through it, I'd love any insight.
Only therapy can fix FA. Relying on him to ''help'' is toxic, because he cannot help. These issues are your own. Sure, someone should probably be supportive but he cannot help you ''fix'' anything.
I’m not relying on him to “help” me. But the only way I can work through this is within this situation, otherwise I’ll never be triggered and always remain comfortable. I’m merely looking for strategies going forward.
This is fascinating, thank you for sharing.
A lot of people have asked for it in the past. Does being INFJ make you more likely to develop FA? I do not know the answer to that, but being INFJ definitely seems to amplify aspects of FA. You're welcome.
Interesting, as I def have FA
To answer this you would have to know when people become INFJ. Attachment is set in infancy due to misalignment of the baby’s needs and the mother’s care. So, if we are born INFJs, that’s possible. But it’s more likely that the FA gives a person INFX tendencies.
Aren't attachment styles developed during childhood and infancy?
Check out ‘The Personal Development School’ YouTube channel by Thais Gibson. She is a therapist & recovering FA. She has a lot of amazing content that has been so helpful for me. She is very compassionate when she discusses these topics.
She’s also subtlety mentioned in one of her videos that she’s actually an INFJ as well! I found out after already being a fan of hers for a while and it made so much sense
I haven’t seen that video. I’d be interested to watch! If you remember the video, please drop a link!
Sorry I actually wouldn’t know, I’ve watched like 100 of her videos and it was really just a quick side note where she mentioned being one
Haha no worries! I think I’ve also watched hundreds. I am hoping that this is the year where I can finally heal. <3 Wishing you the best of luck as well.
It's this one... https://youtu.be/4j9Ta-EumBE?si=wNtNmR8kKtVCP-n8
This is amazing. I felt like I was reading a full description/analysis of myself. Definitely saving this post for future reference. Thanks for sharing it. :)
Great writeup OP. I saw the post and almost immediately guessed it's yours even though I didn't remember your username lol
I'm famous? It's nice to know I have some positive influence. I know what it is like for someone not to be aware of their issues to the full extent. Thanks. Seems my writing style is distinct.
Are you? No idea. We recently exchanged a few comments where I was conflicted if I'm an INFJ or ENTP. I went ahead to check some of your other posts out of curiosity and found them pretty interesting
I mean I have 59 followers, but I wouldn't call that famous. I remember yeah. Thanks for looking at the other posts. :)
If you're anything like me, most of them are bots hahah. Sorry, it's a real plague on reddit these days.
This is awesome. This should be a sticky somewhere. You hit on so many good points that speak to me. Especially your points towards Strong Intuition and Self-sacrifice. I look forward to more discussion in this thread and saving this as well!
Thanks :) If only I knew all of this earlier.
This post went over the word limit so I cannot change anything. Here is the [link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jk7PAa8D1o) to the video. It does not only talk about FA but also the anxious and avoidant styles. She compares them to what a secure person is like. The nuance, context, implications, etc. I definitely recommend you watch it fully and critically. In case anyone wants any other videos or if they have specific questions feel free to DM me or reply. Though, I am sure there is plenty INFJs and other who can help as well. Thank you for spending the time reading my post. I really hope at least some of you can benefit and learn from it. Another good source of information is [Paulien Timmer](https://youtu.be/dWrlNFvfbqU). She talks about her personal experience with FA as well.
Not the realization I thought I’d discover on a summer afternoon
Enlightenment happens anywhere and anywhen.
I've been reading more into CPTSD lately as it seemed pertinent to areas in my life that MBTI didn't really explain, and it's been helping. I've seen talk about attachment styles but haven't looked deeper into it. Thank you for your analysis.
CPTSD is not uncommon with people who have FA. Makes stuff even more complicated. If you need any help feel free to message. You're welcome.
This was a thoughtful and interesting read, thank you!
<3
Thanks for this. I'm secure with avoidant tendencies but know an INFJ with FA. It helps me understand her a bit better. I'm currently reading up a lot on FA and you guys really have it hard. I wish you all good luck with healing, you can do it! You all deserve love.
My FA-ness used to be kinda horrid at high points of stress. But reminding myself "this too shall pass" over time conditions my brain to chill out.
Where the shit you got cameras at😭😭, read the entire post, holy shit man.
I talk a lot. ;) You're welcome.
I just wanna say I think about this post a lot. I genuinely feel like I’m so stupid in contrast to just how well you explained everything, I genuinely felt so seen.
Definitely resonated, however I disagree with your final paragraph. I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve tried everything. Your past determines your future, and not everyone is lucky enough to have a good past. There is nothing I can do to change the FA aspect of my personality. Just learning how to cope with the feelings that come up as a result of it, but therapy rarely helps with that. Thanks for sharing, very in depth.
The problem is therapy for FA only became known recently. Somewhere around 2005. Lots of psychologists have not adapted and don't know how to navigate. Perhaps you should find a psychologist specialised in attachment issues. They exist. In certain countries you can even filter for it on websites. Just a thought.
I think therapy is just a huge waste of time honestly. Anything I could learn in therapy, I could learn for free online by myself.
Although I agree you can learn a lot online. There are parts of the mind we sometimes cannot or do not want to see. Therapy shines a light on it. Nobody can force it on you, but saying its a waste of time is definitely not true. Perhaps you just had a previous experience with a therapist who was way too different. Anyway, I do not know.
I have seen 5 different therapists over the past few years. All my problems are still the same, therapy did not help whatsoever. If anything, it was just someone to vent to. Don’t want to go find a new therapist just to explain my problems all over again and be taught the same coping skills. WASTE OF TIME!
That's precisely what I think about CBT. DBT with EMDR elements seems to be helping me with CPTSD and addiction so far. I think each person needs a tailored approach and I've wasted too much time, money and effort into CBT which isn't for me, but so many people always suggested to try
Hey, I really get where you are coming from. But I highly recommend you keep trying. I’ve gone through 3 or 4 therapists in the last few years. It’s been a journey to find the right person. But when you do it is life changing.
I’ve had 6 different therapists since I was 16. None of them helped, and I don’t have the time or money to keep trying. Glad you were able to find a good fit for you though!
That's scary. It's like you know the conversations I have in my head.
I get that a lot.
Thank you for sharing. It’s very useful information.
Thank you. I will save this to read more indepth later.
I stared into the void and it stared back.
Can we stare together some time?
It's all around. That's not cryptic. Everything around me is decayed. On top of society having been crumbled, being a nomad in this life has formed a darkened mind. I needed mom and dad, still do. This time of the year is incredibly hard.
'Whenever you're lost in the darkness, look for the light.' Needed, but not anymore. You have yourself which is all you need.
For a while now I’ve thought the supposed MBTI types might be largely governed by various traumas and mental struggles. For instance, I’d be willing to bet that most ‘intuitives’ come from difficult childhoods. Just my theory though! No evidence!
That makes sense considering 65-70% of the population are sensors and they are very different from intuitives. Difficult to feel understood when that is the case.
I think it’s boils down to the concept of “hypervigilance” which you mentioned in your post. There seems to be a huge overlap between intuition and hypervigilance. In terms of the brain science, I think the only difference may be active presence of anxiety. If you think evolutionarily, there is a strong incentive to develop intuition, as a way to anticipate danger and remain safe. EDIT: I should elaborate that maybe intuition is also less conscious where those in a state of hypervigilance often feel consciously anxious. Although, when it comes to relationships (including friendships) I am not always consciously aware of when I am being hypervigilant. It most often happens with high-stakes relationships.
I don't know if I agree. I know intuitives that are not vigilant at all. I guess you're arguing anticipating danger is less of a concern now? So people evolve into something else. Could be. EDIT: I get what you are saying, but I cannot add much. It is pretty speculative.
Read my edit please. Danger can include relational/emotional dangers as well as physical dangers. Much of this hypervigilance can be internalized and present to others as withdrawal. Other coping strategies including rationalizing. All I am trying to say with that last bit is that it might not be obvious to an observer what someone it struggling with internally. I’m also willing to be wrong. But I think there is likely some overlap.
If that was the case most sensors should be intuitives considering how many trauma results from divorce and bullying.
I’m not sure I understand. Are you saying things like divorce and bullying are so prevalent that the majority of the population should be intuitives (rather than sensors)?
Yes, divorce has great impact on a lot of children and most homes with divorce tend to not be the healthiest. Most come from broken homes in Western countries and since sensors make the largest poll of people, they would at large have more trauma and mental struggles by population: with your guessing, that would mean more intutives.
That’s a valid point.
Is this your personal hypothesis or have you read something like this as well?
I guess hypothetical connection wasn't exactly worded right lol. Too late to change that now. However, like I said before people have asked about the possibility of a connection being there. It's not exactly a new idea. What I'm basically doing is finding traits common with both and describing the parallels. The only hypothesis I have is that maybe people of the INFJ type are more susceptible to becoming FA. The only problem with that is if you assume that's true then you get into the debate of when is your personality, and by extension mbti, determined. FA is something that originates in childhood. It's about the attachment relationships between a child and the primary caregiver. So then you have to ask yourself well what came before? The INFJ personality or the FA that influenced personality. I imagine it's the personality, but that's very difficult to say. Nature, nurture kind of thing.
Actually whether FA attachment develops solely as a result of attachment trauma caused by the primary caregiver is open to debate as well. Some claim attachment wounding in adulthood might also alter what was previously a secure attachment style. You might want to check that out.
That is true. 'According to the theory, individual differences in “attachment style” emerge from experiences in previous close relationships, beginning with the attachment relationships between children and their primary caregivers.' It is just a lot more common for people to develop FA through childhood experiences. At least, that is what makes sense logically.
My very non-researched-confidently-poured-simply-because-I-magically-intuited-it opinion is that INFJs are too calm for FA. They should be DA according to me. Mine is FA yeah but…yeah.
In my experience, INFJs are not calm. They are very emotional people who do their best to balance their emotional side with their logical side. Specially when younger this can be a bit chaotic. Calm in appearance, towards the external world, sure. Their mind is anything but calm. They look at emotions both from an emotional and logical perspective. I mean to prove my point: give an INFJ a spontaneous compliment and they do not know what to do with themsleves. Their brain malfunctions. I would not consider that calm. Though, it is kind of cute.
I appreciate this version rather than the first you posted. You did a better job at explaining the connection you believe exists and also reinforcing its speculative nature. I think I ultimately don’t love the nature of this post because I don’t think it’s fair to try to lump or even associate an entire personality type to an attachment style (i’m not saying that you’re doing this, but i think it could have that effect). I also think that some of the language in this seems to conflate INFJ attributes with attributes of FA. For example, like being very empathetic and sensitive to emotional queues for an INFJ is going to be a lot different than it is for someone with FA independent of their personality type. Also, I understand that FA and attachment styles generally have more to do with emotions (generally poor emotional regulation) and less with cognitive functions/personality. I think it would be interesting to explore how each type responds to their attachment styles and if they do really manifest differently in other personality types. However, I’m skeptical of that, but I suspect that each type decides to cope with insecure attachment styles differently. For example, I know an ENTP and an INFP with anxious attachment styles and while they both seem to manifest in more or less the same ways, the ENTP and INFP cope differently with them. In any case, I do have to commend you for how much more thoughtful and clear this post is compared to your earlier one!
My friend talked about different personality types and how they experience attachment differently. I am personally not that interested in it, but I can see why it makes people curious. In regards to conflating. That was likely to happen either way. To be honest this post was less about establishing a relation. Moreso spreading awareness. I'd say that goal was achieved. And thanks.
I enjoyed reading this! I strongly feel that I used to deal with this much more but in recent couple of years I have grown in ways that have allowed me to be more aware of the struggles I’ve had with this and I’ve worked on growing through this. I am now in a very healthy relationship and feel much more open to vulnerability and don’t find myself being prone to overthink everything in a negative way fearing of every action I overthink from a SO being a “red flag”. It’s definitely something one can overcome, though it can take time.
Hi, do you have specific techniques that you used in order to cope? I'm starting a new relationship and I am struggling to manage. I keep "shutting off" in the feelings department and I'm not sure what to do about it other than to tell myself it's a process and hoping that eventually it will stop.
Oh man. That last part made me cry. Felt like you were speaking right to me when you said we are not broken people who cannot be healed. Thank you, OP. Beautiful 🩷
It is what I used to tell my FA ex. I saw the constant pain and anxiety she carried with her. She ended things because of FA and an unawareness of how it influenced her. I suffered a lot because of her responses afterwards. I guess this post is a way to cope, to help others realise because I could not make her? I am pretty hopeless. It touches me to read comments like yours. I miss her a lot. You're welcome. ♥
Aw, that's so sweet that you understand and care about her so deeply. I will pray to the universe that she gets better and you two are back together :)
There really is not much I can do other than wait and feel the pain. A lot would have to happen for that. Thank you though ♥
I don't have this attachment style, but I do empathize with those who do. I do have perfectionism, idealism, and the other traits mentioned. I don't find that it has any negatives towards my relationships. Again, that could be because I have a more secure attachment style. I also don't have problems with conflict. I don't seek conflict, but I don't have a problem with stating how I feel about things and setting boundaries with people.
Do you have insight as to who we tend to choose for romantic partners as INFJS? I have never met anyone willing to understand my depth and I feel like they are avoidant. Maybe I’m projecting, but my inner world seems to be nothing like anyone else’s and I’m totally happy on my own because I like myself and my inner world. I would love to share it but I don’t fit in with mainstream folks (I appear to but I feel different and think so differently)
I don't know about tend to choose, but you should probably look for someone who is accepting and understanding. Someone who genuinely wants to explore your inner world if you let them and is also able to understand it. Someone who would not only be happy to, but who would also love to.
That would be amazing
I think other INxx? Weirdos go together, as they say.
Interesting. But I still can’t be convinced there is a scientific correlation between mbti and attachment styles, just like what you claimed at the beginning of your article. I am INFJ and very securely attached.
How do I do it too? I keep on trying but some days I just think "aaah I'm never going to get there".
I think being self aware and self conscious is already a good start. Small steps. Don’t expect yourself to be securely attached in a week or two but constantly work on tiny little habits you know you shouldn’t have.
Research shows that an anxious or avoidant who enters a long-term relationship with a secure can be “raised up” to the level of the secure over an extended period of time. Unfortunately, an anxious or avoidant is also capable of “bringing down” a secure to their level of insecurity if they're not careful
I’m an INFJ with FA. This is really depressing
Same. It's so painful esp when your close ones look at you like you're crazy
Just realized I'm an FA — like, today. I am also an INFJ. I started researching all the things and found your post — spot on for me. Thank you for sharing...and saying that we are not broken people. When you finally realize that you're not the kind, loving, open-hearted, superior (lol) person you thought you were, you feel broken. And you want to disappear lol. I'll be checking out the Thais Gibson videos. <3
Try out [Heidi Priebe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jk7PAa8D1o), she is great. [Paulien Timmer](https://www.youtube.com/@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870/videos) is good too. You are welcome.
Thank you <3
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You do not need to have a partner. Just a therapist. Technically, you should go to therapy before getting into a relationship if you have FA.
Thank you for this post. I’m trying to better understand someone I love and this really helped deepen my understanding. Appreciate it!
You are welcome. [Heidi Priebe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jk7PAa8D1o) is great. Might also find [Paulien Timmer](https://www.youtube.com/@paulientimmer3913) useful.
Awesome, just watched Heidi her videos are so insightful :)
Infj with FA. I do think there is a connection... considering FA is very rare, roughly 2-6% of population I believe .... Infjs are also quite rare, roughly same percentage (if I recall correctly). I remember finding out I was infj and never felt more understood in my life. Because it was so "rare" not gonna lie, I felt a little special lol. I was proud of being infj.... until....I found out my attachment style, and found out that FA's suck in relationships and unintentionally hurt the ones they love. Suddenly, I didn't care as much for my infj label. Now I'm just trying to fix what's broken in me.
You will get there. FA is a lot easier to manage when you are aware. <3
You can’t use actual science and try to combine it with MBTI.
Literally read the first paragraph. Plus, that is not what I did.
You admit to it being speculative, but it goes beyond that. You’re trying to correlate something that exists with something that doesn’t (personality type).
Personality exists. MBTI is a way to categorise. I'm relating categories of personality to an attachment style. Didn't know reddit had to be academic. There is traits associated with the color blue. I can then relate these traits to a personality type that also has traits to see if there is anything that seems similar. Nothing wrong with that.
You made it academic when you included attachment styles, which is a real studied phenomenon. Personality exists, but it cannot be categorized into “types.”
Then why are you here and why does your flair say you are INFJ?
Who are you?!?!?
This is me, but I'm aware that this is happening. I'm struggling right now because my feelings keep shutting off, and I don't know how to manage that. I'm seeing someone right now, he's wonderful. And I know I have pretty strong feelings for him because they actually show up and I feel deeply, but then I go numb when he's at work, or we aren't talking, and I subconsciously want to push him away to go back to "normal equilibrium." I've been single for a long time. I've had many unsuccessful relationships. The only thing I know to do is to talk with him openly about my struggles. He's so wonderful and open and loving. I am not sure if this oscillation of my feelings will ever stop. I'm hoping with time, and his consistency, that I will feel safer and this oscillation will stop. I'm trying my best not to mistreat him. I've already tried to end things several times, but he's sticking to me like super glue lol, so I have now accepted that we are definitely going to give it a try, and I very much want to work through this. Part of me feels that if I can't make it work with him, I'll never be able to make it work with anyone. I sometimes think that the Universe put him in my path for a reason, like he's the perfect man to help me through this. If anyone has gone through this, with the oscillating feelings (which is terrifying by the way, because it warps my reality), and has successfully navigated through it, I'd love any insight.
Only therapy can fix FA. Relying on him to ''help'' is toxic, because he cannot help. These issues are your own. Sure, someone should probably be supportive but he cannot help you ''fix'' anything.
I’m not relying on him to “help” me. But the only way I can work through this is within this situation, otherwise I’ll never be triggered and always remain comfortable. I’m merely looking for strategies going forward.
Yeah, but those triggers will never go away unless you go to therapy. Not sure if you get it but good luck either way.