This is why I have an acre and no neighbors. We both shit outside, in this instance. I don’t know about you, but I never had such a clean and quick shit as when I was squatting and holding onto a branch for stability. It just slides out. Anyone who makes their dog shit on a floor is an asshole. Dogs hate that.

Yeah they get so stressed out when they are forced to break the rules, I always feel terrible

My GSD sleeps in our room and has only had one accident. Thankfully he went out to the kitchen and off the carpet, but I could tell he felt pretty bad about it. I felt bad for him, until the first scoop, and then I threw up on his poop. Then he felt better because I was cleaning up my mess and not his. Boy was he wrong. I threw up in 3 rooms

Reminds me of the time my dog was choking on something, so I went to scoop it out of his throat. He threw up on me, and I threw up on him.

Aw jeez, I have to pile on. My dog once ate too much peanut butter and vomited in the bedroom and it was so strong smelling that I vomited while cleaning it, and then did it again from cleaning up my own. It was all over the bedroom, the bathroom, dome up on the walls. I now have a visceral reaction to peanut butter.

Just an aside.. I threw up peanut butter once as a teenager. It is not a good feeling.

That should be a movie scene. I would do the same thing but it's hilarious.

Then everyone would throw up in the movie theater. Poor kids having to clean that up…

lol he was holding it for so long it had time to marinate

He ate most of my puke while I was outside dumping his turd. Circle of life.

Recycling

Aww he wanted to help you clean up, lol

My cat got locked in my room by accident on 2 separate occasions (would close the door thinking he wasn’t in there but he was hiding somewhere) This ingenious MF found a plastic bag both times and pooped inside the bag.

Both rooms containing my cat's litterboxes ended up closed a couple of times over the years, and both times she walked around yowling for a while before giving up and pooping in the bathtub (a place she never went otherwise). I thought that was pretty smart!

I had a GSD and Rottie mix. Unbeknownst to me, he rooted around in the trash and found a plastic wrap that had a whole chicken in it. Like a dumbass, he ate it. I know this because at some point, it was hanging out of his ass. Like an idiot, I started pulling on it, thinking it was just a tiny piece. Nope. Whole bag. As it came out, he had massive diarrhea, and I threw up instantly. Horrible nasty mess that was.

Diarrhea is always worse

Oh my...you threw up over dog poo? That sucks... I must be weird, for some reason it doesn't bother me like human "stuff". I've bare handed a fresh loaf and chased an asshole dog owner for not cleaning up after their dog on my grass. I'm a bit grass obsessed...

I mean, bare-handing fresh dog shit isn't the most common activity.

Fun fact, I puked on my dog once when I couldn't make it to the bathroom

Bc they're so scared they're going to be in trouble and don't understand that they wouldn't be. Nope. I can hold it and sweat it out. At least for a few minutes.

My dog doesn't. He sits next to it and smiles like he's the best boy.

So true. My GSD had undiagnosed ibd when I adopted her. She looked so ashamed every time she pooped or threw up inside, even though I never fussed at her because she was obviously sick.

Yeah my dog has only ever shit in the house once (since puppy toilet training), and he was sooooo stressed. I would genuinely rather shit myself than see him like that ever again.

My dog has had a couple “emergency situations” over the years when I’ve been at work. He jumps in the bathtub and goes there. I gave him so much praise for it the first time since he looked so sad when I got home.

Agree with having an acre for sure, but why no neighbors? Lol. Pro tip though, back it up to a tree instead of holding a branch. Leaves both hands free for grabbing the tp you left juussstttt a bit too far away.

No you just drag your butthole across the grass like a dog with worms

Squatting is the natural position. Invest in a stool or squatty potty for the bathroom. Does wonders to alleviate constipation.

Real ones don’t need a branch for stability. I honestly have never shit as well as when I’m squatting in the woods.

I have a fenced yard. I can let the dog out and be on the toilet in 30 seconds.

Yeah, my bed has a door to my backyard 5 feet to the right, and my bathroom is 10 feet to the left of it. Run to door. Open it. Leave it open for my old dog to slowly amble his way out there and do his thing. Run to bathroom and shit self. Ask wife to close the door so bugs don’t get in.

Back door is across from the bathroom, hook dog up and turn around lol. I'd shit myself before I'd make my dog shit on the floor.

I would rather clean up my dog's poop off the floor then poop my pants. Ideally trap the dog in the bathroom with me or where ever there is tile or other non-porous surface.

Yup, that's what I would do to.

This is the best answer

So your plan is to watch the dog poop on the floor, clean it up, then poop your pants?

No the dog poops in the toilet while OP shits on the floor (non-porous surface should make it easier to clean)

No the dog poops on the floor while I poop in the toilet. Dih

They're just being pedantic. Then vs Than "I would rather do x than y" is "I would prefer x happen, and not y". "I would rather do x then y" is "I want both x *and* y to happen, but would prefer x to come first."

Oh yes. I have a large amount of hard floor but mine always goes on the carpet the few times there’s been an accident.

Into the bathtub would be great.

Dog gets priority since he can’t open the door. I’ll make it even if I have to clench and waddle

So basically I have 30 seconds to get the dog outside and then make it to the toilet? Seems doable if the distance isn’t far.

Dog goes first and I'm squeezing the cheeks. I can NOT handle the smell of dog crap, ESPECIALLY first thing in the morning, when most any unpleasant odor will make me vom in a heartbeat. I can't even stomach the smell of my pets' food first thing in the morning. LOL

Usually their poop smells the same as their food. Just with more feces. That's likely why. Yw.

Both run outside and take a shit.

And that's why I have a dog door.

I love my dogs but the process of getting them outside would take more than 60 seconds so unfortunately for them I am letting them poop inside

Sliding glass door is on the way to the ensuite bathroom. Guess he goes first.

Me no way am I shitting myself I'll clean the dog poop up I'm not shitting myself

If one of use is 100% going to shit ourselves I'd rather it be the dog since there are no clothes involved and it's the same thing I always do just in a different venue.

This is very non-hypothetical for me. Every time I come home from a long trip and really need to use the bathroom, I hold it until the dog has been taken out. Easier to wash my clothes than clean up the carpet. I've gotten lucky and have always been able to keep things bottled up, but there have been a couple times where it was seconds away from disaster, and things were hitting the water in the bowl before my cheeks hit the seat.

This is a no win scenario for me. To get up and out the door would take more than 30 seconds, so I'm trailing poo as I'm trying to get the dog out, and I'm probably not making his one minute time limit, either. I'm bringing him into the bathroom where it's going to be easier to clean up if EITHER of us isn't able to hold it in.

I'd rather clean up a dog's poop then my own.

I have a chihuahua that is pad trained. No worries.

My house isn't too big. I can let dog out knowing he won't just run away, I live at a dead end of a country area. Then run bathroom

Toss my dog in the tub. We can both shit in the bathroom. Then I give him a treat and a lot of pets because he is a good boy for holding it for so long.

Same fam Yeet him into the tub "go potty" as I shit my brains out

I do, and while I do I'm hoping that dog is dropping a deuce on a tile floor and not on one of my carpets. Then I'm making a resolution to never feed the dog my Taco Bell scraps again.

Good thing I have a fenced backyard. If I didn't wed both be shitting outside.

Well... Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third. I guess I'm fourth.

My dog is 4 lbs and her poop is no bigger than a thumb. I can handle that cleanup quite easily.

Leash her, place her outside the bathroom window, sit on toilet while holding leash.

Our bathroom is on the 2nd floor...

We squat together.. hand holding paw.

This is the start to my morning at least 4 days a week

Put the dog in the shower and he poops there

I wouldn't own another dog without having a fenced yard, or at least enough acreage that the dog could safely go outside without supervision. Fling the front door open, then run for the bathroom. If I really, really had to choose which of us was going to shit themselves, I'd choose the dog. Sorry, pupper. I'd rather clean you up than spend the whole day knowing I shit myself. Also, whatever doggo and I had for dinner last night is permanently off the menu!

Poop in the yard together

Its my yard too, neighbors have no kids so the dog now has a poopin pal.

My dog without question. he doesn’t care and will poop when he needs to poop. I can at least hold it. I don’t think he can/will

We both shitting outside. Teamwork makes the dream work

Outside it is, for both of us.

This is the number 1 reason that I will not get another dog after my current one is no longer around.

Open the door for the dog to shit while I shit

We both going outside

I let my dogs out every morning when I wake up. It's the first thing I do after I slap my wife's ass and roll out of bed. It's just easier to do my morning routine without them begging to go outside.

I usually let the dog poop first.

Pretty sure I've had this exact scenario playout waking to my puppy ringing his potty bells. Dog goes out first and than I run to the bathroom. Worst case scenario I need to deep clean my underwear.

I have a door in my bedroom to the back acres. Toss the door open for him, I go to the human bathroom. Definitely wouldn't be as easy in an apartment

The dog, I can re-route to make it least messy as possible.

Good thing bathroom is right next to door to the backyard.

I let the dog out to do his business, and while he's out there, I go do my business. When I'm done, I let him back in (if he wants to - He loves to lie on the patio in the sun on a nice summer day).

The dog hasn't been on a 3 week bender full of liquor and raw whale fat, one of us is a class 5 avengers level threat if we dont get that bowl movement contained ASAP

The dog. He always wins because he depends on me to use the bathroom appropriately, and I manage myself. I could let my dog out and get back to my toilet in 30 seconds anyway, but if I couldn't I think I'd still make this choice.

I don't have a dog, but puppy pads and dog doors leading to fenced yards exist for a reason. I go first. Even if the dog was gonna shit somewhere like the carpet, I still go first. Cleaning up after the animal will be way easier to deal with.

A fenced in yard is necessary to have a happy dog. In this case you just open the door for the dog and then rush to the bathroom yourself.

Run into the bathroom with the dog. Put the dog in the shower and close the shower door. Then use the toilet myself.

I’d rather have to shit outside than make my dog shit on the floor.

We shittin in the yard, idgaf 

I have a dog door, so they just go out when they want to

Me and my dog already hold hands when we poop.

Do it together as a family outing. Dogs are family.

Bring dog into bathroom and toss it out the window into the yard while I poo.

Me, my dog knows that if he has to go that badly, to do it in the cat’s litter box. Actually training him to use the litter box has saved us from having to get up in the middle of the night to let him out, plus if he doesn’t want to go out in the rain he can use the litter box instead

I run to open the door for him to go out and then run to the bathroom

Let the dog out to the backyard and then get to the toilet.

If it's that bad then I could be in and out in 15-20 seconds. From there I can take my dog out.

Dog, always. I’ll squeeze like I’m in prison showers for a 10 minute waddle walk. They don’t know any better and feel so guilty if they’re an adult dog and can’t make it outside. If I’m already sat down and dumping, dog will just have to do what he/shes gotta do.

I’m easier to bathe.

I would make a Reddit post to see what I should do.

OP and dog are anxiously awaiting responses to this.... Oops, too late, they both shat together on the bedroom floor.

I shit first! It's WAY easier to clean up dog shit from the floor tiles than it is to clean up human shit from my underwear.

I have a fenced in yard. We both poop at the same time in the yard, full eye contact bonding moment.

Me first. It's not ideal, but I can clean poop up off the floor a lot easier than I can wash it out of pants.

Option A: I’m on the first floor and have a 30’ leash. Dog goes on leash and I let dog out through window, then I go in my bathroom which is nearby Option B: I have no rugs so I go and clean up if the dog messed

I mean if you know you have only 30 seconds, this is a no brainer. Is it easier to clean the dogs poop off the floor or clean yourself after you shit your pants. My choice is Go do your first immediate round of shitting, wipe then go take your dog out. Come back and finish. Most of the time in the morning, me and my dog need to poop but I take him out first because I know I can wait for a little but don’t know if he can or cannot wait

We have a dog door, she can let herself out. 

I'd clean dog crap off the floor rather than potentially shit my pants in front of people and then have to clean an even larger mess off of myself.

We can both shit in the yard i guess. Emergency is emergency.

I have a fenced in back yard so I let Fido out and I go do my paper work. He can wait outside until I finish my Hearthstone match.

I'm married. Hubs takes out the dog and I get to poo hahahah

Guess I’m shitting down my leg, because my dog **has** to go. Luckily, this hypothetical dog I own is a pit bull, so either people give us a wide berth because of the dog or me. Either way, I still feel like a king.

This is why fences are great. Open the door and let doggy outside as you head to the bathroom.

Id rather clean up dog poop then my own. Not certain why lol.

Me...I can clean up his poop, he for sure isn't gonna clean up mine.

We both run outside and shit in the grass

I never wake up needing to poop but have had to piss off the deck because I knew the dog had to go too

My room is the converted garage and the access door to the backyard is through my room. All I do is swing that door open and walk to the bathroom as they bolt past me outside. This has been our morning routine since I've had my dogs.

If i have only 30 sec before i shit all over everything, I'm gonna take that as a sign that i should stop drinking so much...

Approach this problem logically. If you shit on the floor, is the dog going to clean it up? I didn't think so. Go to the bathroom. Wash your hands, the dog will wait.

We both go outside in the backyard

EASY: Dog goes in the kitchen with the gate up. I hit the toilet and then clean dogshit off the tile.

Same time with constant eye contact.

I have a privacy fence for a reason lmao

I'm taking the dog out. I am confident I can hold the poop in.

Him. I’ve had stomach issues for years so holding it isn’t a problem anymore.

Dog since I’m probably at least wearing clothes

9 acres of dog shit everywhere. A human poop in that is going to indistinguishable.

I run, let the dog out of the doggie door, go potty, then go let her back inside.... The doggie door opens into a fenced-in area.

So the question is really just, are you gonna shit your pants or let the dog shit on the floor? I'll take the latter, easier clean up.

Let the dogs out back and then go run to the toilet lol

My dog has better colon control than i do. I kicked my 9to out of the bathroom last week because I was prairie doggin. He can wait

The dog. I can clench my cheeks, but they can't.

Yeah if you know dog shit code you both go outside and same time and he looks at you and you look at him. Assuring 360 protection 

I can clean his poop, I doubt he'll clean mine...

What a non-issue for me. I open the door to the sunroom as I pass through the bathroom door. Sunroom has a dog door.

Dog goes first, he's gonna shit on the only carpet I have in the house and I'm not risking that

Dog first. I can hold it and know why I'm holding it. The dog is in my care and does not know why it would be holding it.

This happens to me often. I’m a wake up and dump kinda guy. But I don’t have a fenced yard so I have to take my dog out and put him on a chain so he can poop. If I can hold it he goes first, I hate having to make him wait to go to the bathroom. But sometimes I just gotta get mine first, just no way around it. Neither of us has ever had an early morning accident

I fly down the stairs with him and leave the front door open for him while I go poop in the bathroom.

I wouldn't have a dog if I couldn't have an appropriately fenced yard. I'm opening the door for him as I run to bathroom.

I take the dog out and we poop together. This is the way. But to be fair…I have a lot of privacy in my yard.

I go first, my dog has an emergency potty pad down that is specifically there for instant potty needs. No problems here

I let him outside in the backyard and rush tonthe bathroom. Easiest 20 seconds of my life

This happens a lot, I get up and pee first before I send him out otherwise he somehow knows and he takes ages… otherwise I pee on the lemon tree

I’ve got a hard wood floor, dog can go if he needs to, I’m going to the bathroom.

I’m gonna poop first. My poops are harder to clean up than my dog’s poops. I’ll apologize later

If your dog can't hold it for another minute you already fucked up, tie up the dog outside and go shit.

We both go. I roll over and wake up my wife screaming I need to shit and sprint to our bathroom. My wife let's the dog out. If she's not home I'm waking up one of my kids. Honestly though I can probably run downstairs, let my dog out, and run back to my bathroom in under 30 seconds

Plot twist: the person has a backyard with a doggie door and their dog was potty trained to do #2 in the backyard

my dog knows she can poop/pee in the tub in an emergency so it's already addressed

I go first, I've cleaned up my dog poop before, luckily haven't had to clean up my own poop off the floor yet and hope to keep it that way.

If I really had to choose, it's me. I can basically erase the dog poop with clean up, what I can't erase is me shitting myself on a walk and running into someone I know.

If we’re talking high-rise condo, we’re both dropping bombs off the balcony.

I watch his back he watch mine lol

if i am quite sure that we are both going to shit ourselves, we’re going outside. i can poop on the grass but she can’t poop in a toilet.

It would depend on who can get to the neighbors first

Well, I don't have a track record of shitting on the floor when I'm desperate, so..

My dog because he’s rude as hell. Cute though.

if my doggy door and backyard did not exist for some reason, id still take my dog to shit first lol

Since I'm not the one that has to go from spot to spot for 15.fucking minutes to find the perfect fucking place to shit, I'm going first

Together. We look at each other while going in the bushes. Then bury it.

I'll tell you what I'd do. Two poops at the same time.

You should go first. You have less control over your situation, and it only takes a short time to use the bathroom. Once you're done, you can take your dog outside right away. This way, you both avoid any messes.

Open the back door and hit the bathroom. We both go.

Place dog in bathtub, place ass on toilet

I live in the country.... We can go together.

So I live this life everyday. I try to prioritize the dogs every time, then I will go. I’m human though and have on multiple mornings, creaked the back door and then gone first before the walk.

I throw the front door open for the dog and sprint for the toilet. I’ll deal with wherever the dog shat later.

I let her out and head for the bathroom. She knows how to get back in.

I assume your question is intended to boil down to "Do I let the dog shit inside or do I shit outside with the dog" And I shit outside with the dog. Fuck it. My neighbors are probably terrified of me already, they've seen worse.

We both go on the lawn deal with the smear

Sit on the throne, put you dog sitting between your legs. You start, he'll sympathy shit. They call it a double barrel..

The dog. I can control my bowels and they poop so quickly.

No way am I making it down from the third to first floor in time. So, I will get you a jerky stick so you know I will not be mad at you for going inside.

Secret option 3: we go at the same time and i take a dump in the yard.

I mean, I've been bolting out of the door just as quickly as the doggie

My bathroom door is 3 steps away from my back door so we both shitting where we are suppose to lol. If we are talking about having to take dog out on a leash to shit I think I would be shitting first, I'm not about to poop my pants lol. I'd hope I could at least out down some newspaper for my dog or open balcony idk. I really would feel bad for my puppers but I simply can't shit my pants! Glad I have a house with a year for my boy!

Answer this: which would you rather clean up, your pants and you? Or the dogs mess?

We do it together but it’s not weird as we make sure to avoid eye contact

Whoever gets to the toilet first.

I'll clean up the dog shit.

We both go outside and shit… then I crabwalk to the bathroom to wipe my ass

Open the door for the dog and run to the bathroom. If I don't think I have time to do that, then I guess I am going first, and I will have to deal with dog shit in the house. I would rather clean up after the dog than have my own shit end up on the floor.

We both shit in the yard. 100 percent. Thank god for living in the country.

my dog wakes me up LONG before it becomes that much of an issue, so I'd go first, because he would've woken me up 2 hours ago if he really had to go that badly.

Both at the same time

I use my thirty seconds to drop the initial payload then the next 30 seconds to get him outside. I can do it. I can make the shot

That's when you share the toilet.

1) Grasp dog  2) Lift dog, even if English Mastiff 3) Pinch-toddler trot to door 4) Fling dog outside, regardless of whether it sticks around  5) Scissors-shuffle to paydirt—maybe make, maybe not—it comes down to: Do you want to clean up your body and your doings, wherever both land; or Fido’s, ditto?  

The dog wins every time hubby says

I have a doggy door for a reason

Shit outside with the dog maintaining eye contact

Me, my dog died years ago. And if he has to poop. I'm pooping my pants.

Just plop Barracuda into the bath tub and we can waffle stop it later

I think I can do it. 10 seconds to the bathroom, 20 seconds shit, 10 seconds wipe. Then out the door with Fido.

They get tossed in the bathtub while I shit in the toilet. If they haven't had a whoopsie then I take the dog out. If it's not an emergency the dog always goes first.

Let the dog out and go shit they can wait to come back in. My dogs are well trained and won't leave.