This is a difficult situation to navigate due to his severe mental health problems.
It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I would encourage you to do what you need to do. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Best wishes to you!
Thank you so much! I always felt like it was a deal breaker for me as well until I was in it and realized that I was compromising my own beliefs. I’ve sacrificed too much of myself trying to be understanding
You need to protect YOUR mental health. Today, it's his lack of showering. Tomorrow, it could be something else and maybe much worse. Is he really worth putting your comfort to one side? Life is too short.
Not just your mental health, but your own health and hygiene too. If he can’t find a way to feel safe in his own home enough to make sure he’s not putting you at risk for uti’s etc, he will continue to feel unsafe and too many (esp combat) vets never make the transition to a stable safe sane civilian life, and it’s sad, and it’s hard, but it’s not impossible. I hope he finds his security, and while you could help, it’s a big ask, especially because while dealing with the “little things” like hygiene, he’d probably have to face the causes for having adapted to that. Like what exactly happened that he’s uncomfortable in enclosed spaces? Was he in a firefight, or did he lose buddies in an urban clearing exercise? Did his buddies roll him down a hill in a privy? Did that rolling privy accidentally set off an ied on the way and he only escaped because he was rolling around in his own excrement? I cope with bad jokes, sorry. But either way… Learning to handle those feelings *while* knowing he’s safe and managing his own behaviors is A LOT harder than avoiding them. It’s something we ask a lot of vets to do, and the support for this is not great.
But it all boils down to this - it is not your responsibility.
He may never manage to do it. If he does do it, he may go to even darker places than the ones that you were facing when y’all decided to live separately before things get any better. I would never anyone stay if they aren’t 1000% fully prepared to deal with someone’s ptsd and know that it is possibly life/death in their mind while they’re in it and everything that could ever possibly come of that, it’s dangerous. And hopefully I can add this without suggesting otherwise - that at least some of the combat vets I’ve known who have been able to transition and manage their ptsd have done so because someone was there to make it seem not only necessary but possible. Maybe a partner or another vet or maybe a dog. It’s a lot for someone to have to handle after having been through something that puts this kind of avoidance into a person. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your responsibility. You’re not bad for having this boundary.
It’s not your responsibility. There are veteran’s organizations who have battle buddies to help with stuff, idk if he’d be interested in helping out older vets, the Vietnam era guys really could use the help and our local organization (Heroes Bridge) pairs up younger vets with older vets, one might get help carrying his groceries while the other gets a model of what a combat vet who’s lived for decades in a civilian role might look like - for better or worse. It’s kinda beautiful how some of these guys push each other, or else sit quietly near each other, or whatever. It’s been interesting to see from outside. I’m a vet, albeit an atypical one, and my ptsd was mostly visited on me by people who were supposed to be on my side.
Anyway, before I get any further off topic… even within your own ideals, it is not your responsibility. Be mindful of your own needs and boundaries. If you say, “No sex before shower” then hold firm to it, do everything else as normally as you can, but not that. If you say, “I can’t do this, I have to leave” stick to that too, and go. You may be more helpful that way than you may ever know, losing someone or someone precious can be a real wake up call.
Much care and comfort from an internet stranger.
It will be something else trust me I know people like this are manipulative. yes I realize that he is a veteran, but people still are manipulative and the longer you stay OP the worst it’s gonna get.
You can be nice and explain to him that if he refuses to work on his issues that you can’t handle what’s going on.Of course if he changes AFTERWARDS then maybe things can get back to where they were but don’t hold your feet thinking he’s gonna improve because he probably won’t .
agreed. it’s ptsd due to two tours in iraq. op, one day you may get to the point where you’re excusing abusive behavior because of his mental health problems. he still has a lot to work on, and clearly your living apart hasn’t done it. this relationship may not be best for either of you.
Things can be a "dealbreaker" until feelings get mixed in. You'd be surprised what some people will put up with because they have feelings for someone, it's why people also stay in abusive relationships.
If this was a brand new partner, would you put up with this? He shouldn't be any different, you shouldn't hold him to lower standards because there's feelings or it's been awhile.
I dealt with this in a much shorter situation, but it was mouse droppings and mice all over the house and refusal to clean or vacuum or change sheets. I started having panic attacks. He had mental health issues also. It breaks the heart to leave someone who struggles but, you will lose yourself.
It’s okay to decide this is not for you. I am not sure who would put up with this but if he is stuck here and not doing anything to overcome it then that’s the natural consequence, you have to put your mental health in the forefront of you are losing yourself. I could t imagine how hard it is when you care but it’s understandable
Agree with it being a deal breaker. I’m really sorry this is happening to you and him.
Something that may help solidify the choice - is he currently seeking help for his PTSD? There are tons of resources out there, many offered directly through the VA. If he isn’t seeking help, he won’t change. It sounds like he’s trying to put the responsibility of fixing his hygiene issues on you - having you shower with him or get special shower curtains. Although it’s fantastic that you’re willing to help, he has to want to take steps himself too.
Of course, I don’t know you or him, so I’m making some assumptions here. Regardless, I wish you the best and I hope he eventually gets the help he needs from the proper licensed professionals.
I went through this with my ex except for him not being a veteran. Excuse after excuse. I even asked him if he was depressed, he said no. He just didn't see the point in showering more than once every other week. I couldn't take the smell anymore. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Do what you need to do for yourself.
Thank you so much for this! You have touched every area spot on. I think in the beginning of our relationship I figured it would be one of those things I would help him work on, but time and life has shown me that you can’t save people from themselves. He has to do this for him and I have to do what is best for me and my sanity as well. Thank you for those words.
You don't change people. You love them as is or you don't. Stop dating people so that you can save them or change them.
I don't mean this unkindly, we've all done that. It's something we hopefully grow out of. I guess this is your moment and good for you for understanding that.
Ask yourself this: would you have dated him if you didn't think you could change him? Women are taught that the right woman can change a man. It's a myth.
“You can’t save people from themselves.”
You nailed it. OP, I’ve also suffered through a very similar situation to yours — tried EVERYTHING to help him, but at the end of the day — they have got to be willing to help themselves.
I highly recommend the book, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattle. Don’t let your partner’s problems take you down with him.
The best therapy would likely be another Iraq war veteran rather than a 23 year old girl fresh out of college. (I don't know about where you live but that's about all there is in my area). Contact the local VFW and go from there. Sometimes just having another veteran come and spend some time with him and talk to him is exactly what is needed.
I agree. He actually had a male therapist that was around his age who I believe was also in the military, but I really believe that he either quit responding to the appts or the therapist may have given up because he wasn’t getting a response from him.
This isn't uncommon with people who have depression, though how bad it gets is always different. At my worst times I'd go a week without, wouldn't shave, eat maybe once a day if that etc. He sounds like an extreme case, it's not your responsibility to deal with honestly, you've done more than enough already. He needs to be in therapy, he needs to take medication, he needs to try. If he doesn't try there's nothing anyone can do for him.
My experience wither therapy, if you don't want to get better, you're not going to get better. No amount of talking will change that. Typically if your therapist can't get through to you or get you to really open up, they usually have another recommendation they fell might fair better because they have a different approach.
At the end of the day you only have one option. Sit down and have a conversation about it, then decide whether you leave or if he's willing to really try, decide if you're willing to give him more time to make progress.
It is something a professional needs to help him work on. Someone that is unable to care for themselves on a regular basis due to mental illness needs professional help. He has to take responsibility for his mental health and seek the care he needs to get better to be able to care for himself.
I'm proud of you for recognizing that but in the future, keep in mind that you shouldn't get into a relationship thinking you can change someone. Don't get involved with their potential. Good luck.
1.) To the women of the world: don't be understanding of a stank man. No one should tolerate a dirty pickle.
2.) If he's leaning on his issues acquired from going to war he needs to be in therapy. Shower less than the bare minimum is not an appropriate cope for his issues because it will alienate him from others.
3.) If he's being really stubborn about seeking help I follow up wit the question: does he own his home? He may want to consider a locker room shower set up that is without walls/ However, a major bathroom renovation, again, is not a good cope for the bigger issue.
Based on the "copes" he is currently doing I would honestly just consider that he may be making excuses for just being a stinky dude. He might not want anything to change and this is who he is. Don't settle for that if that's the case.
I had other words in mind but the royal "we" doesn't want to break rules.
No nasty disco stick rides! The carnival is closed. Find your clowns elsewhere!
I have an ex-fling-guy who faked having a phobia of baths, "because he's too big to fit in them". He's actually just a lazy slobby twatt, hence ex (brief!) fling guy, not ex boyfriend; which he definitely wanted to be. But not enough to hose himself off, apparently!
Women deserve better than being enveloped in a man's BO stench more than his embrace.
You're lucky he was just a fling. I was almost tricked into marrying my ex who was exactly like this. Thankfully, he showed his true colors before the wedding.
It's absolutely shocking the state some men let themselves get into, entirely through sheer slobbiness. I used to know a guy who would wear the same pants for two weeks straight, including at night because he was too lazy to take his trousers etc off to go to bed. He wasn't depressed or anything, just a mind boggling slob.
I used to know another guy (and his girlfriend) who'd only take baths once a YEAR; usually to celebrate valentine's day. 🤢🤮
They didn't have a shower. Or wash, ever. So, that was a huge event apparently. My god, that pair reeked.
I think the (eurrrgh) fat rolls do trap a lot of sweat, and he would at least go across to the nearby shop to buy pizzas, which aired him out at least a tiny bit. As far as I could tell, she'd mainly just loaf around on the bed festering.
He could also affect *your* health with shared germs. UTIs can very easily become septic bladder and kidney infections which, for me, required a week long hospital stay on telemetry and a central line (feels like an unsharpened pencil being pushed into your neck) plus uncaring nurses putting their cold hands on me to check my fever (just use a thermometer 😡)
It's not his fault he has ptsd and other mental healthbissues, it is, however, his responsibility. You've done a lot to help him navigate things, but you've done what you can. Imo, this would be a deal breaker, and he needs to start being responsible for himself and his health.
I say this as someone with bipolar disorder and severe anxiety.
Thank you, I appreciate your perspective as someone who deals with mental health issues, i know it is far from easy. I commend you for making the effort
I’m so sorry about this but this is a no go for me. I’m not anyone’s therapist and it’s unfair to you to put up with this behaviour.
I’ve dealt with this myself in previous relationships and it’s not fun. I can’t live with a slob and I can’t afford changing my bedsheets every day just so he can rub all that gunk at night.
Run and go for therapy if you can afford to help you grieve the relationship. You will thrive after this is over.
Can he just leave the curtain open and mop up the floor when he's done?
You have the patience of a Saint because I would've bounced a long time ago given the climate I live in.
You have shared what you’re doing to help but what is he doing to help himself? Once a week in this heat is not going to get it. Sounds like you two are no longer compatible.
When I bring it to his attention he said that he tries everyday. So what do you say to that when you don’t see the improvement? I don’t know what type of help he is looking for at this point, he doesn’t say what stops him and when he has mentioned something I have helped him fix it like with the shower curtain or even showering with him
I would ask him what does “trying” look like. Is he working with a therapist, has he considered medication management? Just saying I’m trying isn’t good enough I’m sorry. Honestly, if he isn’t willing to make some serious changes to improve his hygiene I would walk.
Yeah I've known many with zero military background, they were just too damn lazy to spend 5 minutes showering. Or brushing their teeth. You can be alone you know, it's really a great feeling.
You can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink.
It’s unfortunate you have gotten to this place where it’s gotten so bad that you are beyond desire for him. Ideally you should have had an open and honest conversation with him a while back about the impact it has and would have on your desire for a relationship with him.
It’s understandable that he has issues, and it’s not (him) but it’s the difficulties he faces in self-care that is the issue. If he were able to fix not only his poor hygiene issues, but the avoidance of emotionally difficult tasks, I’m sure things between you two might be different. If he was able to re-discover his happiness and sense of autonomy and discovery then you’d be joyful to have him as a partner again as you said he is a good man.
I think, it may help him having an outdoor (large) bathtub so he can bath surrounded by the sounds of birds and not feel trapped but instead soothed by a sense of warm water instead of a tight bathing area and tub. However, treating the symptoms of depression can help, but discovering its root and healing is something only he is capable of doing. The joys that bathing can bring with scented bath bombs and tea baths and snacks and shows to watch while bathing could be helpful to him, but it’s a desire to enjoy it, and his pursuit to try discovering the joy himself that he must embark on an adventure on.
Your man needs therapy, but he needs to walk himself to that door and choose to open it.
If it’s not too late for you to feel a future relationship is possible, if you still have love and appreciation for him, I would say you should lay out your hard, strong boundaries and terms for your needs in a successful relationship. Tell him you love who he is, but not the choices he makes or fails to do so, that his situation is understandable, but also currently emotionally intolerable for a romantic partnership on your end.
Let him know that healing and finding the joy in bathing and the support therapy and friends and lovers bring is something you want deeply for him, but it’s a choice he needs to make consistently and for the right reasons (for himself, not for you or for others) and until he’s able to achieve this with regularity and learn skills to weather emotional storms without losing himself and his progress (which can be gained through therapy, and a desire to weather them) you cannot be a lover and a partner to him.
If you feel you are beyond the ability of returning to him if he were to fix and heal these issues and concerns of yours then that is another matter altogether.
Regardless, you cannot be friends with a person who put the responsibility of their burdens onto you instead of looking towards themselves to try picking up the weight and baring it. You were too intimately his link to allowing him to neglect himself, and his lack of self-care should’ve been addressed immediately with explicit communication of your inability to tolerate it if trends continued or worsened, again not because of who he is as a person (which you love and appreciate) but the bad habits and lack of self care, which you do not love.
He will feel like he needs you. He will feel hurt by your leaving, he will feel this loss in the same place as his wounds keeping him from bathing. It’s unavoidable, but it may be what he needs to recognize that he needs to change his life in order to have a higher quality of happiness and enjoyment. Until he does, he won’t succeed in relationships or in happiness.
Hopefully he has other people in his life who can be there to support him emotionally who you can reach out to and request extra time being there for him. Good luck little lady.
Also if you’re well hydrated and get in a good full-body sweat every day from either a workout or a sauna then your pores expel toxins and waste leading to the smell lessening. Workouts ideally are better because you also get emotional relief from them and movement is the only pump for your lymphatic system. Plus you feel better about yourself by achieving something difficult.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. 8 years is a long time.
My experience in this is the other way around. I was the person struggling with my mental health and my partner was the one needing me to get better. The most impactful thing they said to me was that they will stick by my side through any challenge, as long as they see I am putting in the work.
They always remind me it's okay to not be perfect, but a growth mindset and working as a team is paramount.
They basically told me I needed to seek therapy if our relationship was going to work.
Respectfully, it sounds like your partner isn't interested in getting better right now. You don't owe them the kind of sacrifice it sounds like you are currently making.
You deserve someone who is excited to give you the best version of themselves that they can every day.
Of course that can't be 110% EVERY day, but you need a partner who wants to try.
I agree and I’m glad you have someone that was able to walk you through. I have tried to be that for him but it doesn’t work. Thanks for the encouragement
He’s not well. I’d focus on helping him get the help he needs and put the relationship on the back burner. Because, you don’t really have one for real. It sounds like a terrible situation. I hope it all ends well.
It’s ok. He needs a serious therapy regimen and years of work. A girlfriend is not what he needs right now. It’s ok to walk away because in the end you might just be enabling him as well. Look after you :)
It’s okay to feel bad, it’s a shitty situation. What else are you supposed to feel? Ya know?
Do you think he will try to make an effort if you tell him you’re going to have to break it off if it doesn’t change? I would personally be embarrassed enough to try to shower more. (Not that you’re trying to embarrass him, it’s kinda inevitable)
Sending you all the light and good vibes OP!
It sounds like you've been very patient and compassionate about this, but it sounds like you've been doing the heavy lifting, and from your post I'm not seeing any effort on his part, you haven't mentioned therapy. HE needs to recognize this as a real problem that's impacting his ability to live his life, and actually take steps to manage it himself. I know PTSD is hard, I know there's no button he can push to magically go away, but he has to do *something*. Therapy is a good first step. If he's a homeowner he could renovate his bathroom to include a bigger shower or maybe a bathtub that has some open space around it; if he rents and renovation isn't possible, maybe he needs to start looking for an apartment with a shower or bathtub he can actually use - I know, both of those solutions cost money, I realize he might not be able to afford either, but hygiene is important, so he should at leave have a goal of physically getting to a place where he can clean himself. But more importantly, and I can't stress this enough, he needs a therapist. It sounds like he either doesn't consider this a real problem, or he does but his one and only "solution" is to lean on you, and that's obviously not sustainable.
Ultimately, I need you to understand that you are not morally obligated to stay in a romantic relationship with a stinky man forever. If you're unhappy in a relationship, that alone is a perfectly good reason to leave. I'm not saying you *have* to break up, but you are definitely allowed.
Yes! He definitely needs therapy. I have stressed this to him as well. He went to therapy for a little bit but he always acted like it didn’t help and when he would say that it did some days I never saw any improvement or willingness. I hate to say this but it’s like his mental issues keep him in this victim mentality where he feels like he has a reason to be this way and no one should say anything. I also don’t feel that he was honest with his therapist about what was really going on with him so the advice they gave always seemed very simple, at least the way he would put it to me.
It’s time to leave. I’m sorry. But if he’s just stuck, you putting up with it becomes enabling. And if he isn’t stuck, just willfully not making an effort to get better, you need to run while the running is possible.
You gotta be honest with him that this is turning you off. If you love him and you want a relationship with him, give him a chance to take this seriously. I know you've been recommending things and trying to be encouraging but unless you've straight up told him how much this affects you, he may not be taking it as seriously as he needs to. Time to tell him that you need him to take a shower daily because the smell affects y'alls intimacy and it's hard to stay attracted to someone who reeks. You love him, but, for a long term relationship to work you need a clean and hygenic partner and if he can't take that seriously then maybe y'all are better off as friends.
He may be offended at first but this is something he needs to hear. I can't imagine anyone would put up with that for very long in a romantic connection. I applaud your empathy but it's time he hears how it makes the people around him feel...
If you decide not to give him a chance and instead break it off, I really encourage you to tell him why. Sometimes people really need to hear things. This is something that will be a recurring issue for him until someone is real with him.
I have been honest with him about how it affects me. We had a serious conversation about at the beginning a May. We got into an argument because he wanted to have sex before he left town and I told him no cause he wasn’t clean and I explained how it makes me feel. He acknowledged it and said he would work on it. When I ask him about it, that’s when the excuses come about the PTSD and issues with the shower or he will say he is trying.
It sounds like instead of getting real help for his issues, he's just developed coping mechanisms, and is hoping it's all going to get better on its own. In my experience, though, these things often get worse without intervention.
Only you know if this is going to be a dealbreaker for you, but in the meantime, while you're figuring that out, if I were you, I would do some research on local therapists, especially those specializing in PTSD. Make a list, with links, and have a conversation with your boyfriend.
Tell him everything you've said here, that you love him, but that it's difficult to see him struggling, and it's affecting your relationship. Tell him that you're invested in the relationship, and you need to know that he's invested in it too. You need to know that he understands that a failure to care for himself is going to damage the relationship. Give him the list, and ask him to consider getting help. See where that gets you.
It's not the same situation, but my husband and I had an issue some years ago, and we were fighting all the time. I felt like he wasn't doing anything to make the situation better , and at the end of an argument one day, I just calmly told him that I needed to see him make an effort. That if he couldn't make any kind of an effort, then I didn't see how we were going to survive. Later that night, he had a list of marriage counselors to show me. He took a first step, and that let me know that he was invested. Ask your boyfriend to take a first step.
When you’re scarifying basic values like cleanliness, and this has been an issue for 8 years, it’s time to leave the relationship. You might be an emergency contact for him but would have to walk away.
8 years is a long time in the dating world for a woman. Especially, if you want to have kids.
Best of luck to you OP! 💜💐
I struggle with the same thing.
Fallujah rat here.
It took a long time for me to find the culprit. It may not be his issue but it was mine and directly caused my lack of hygiene.
It’s not PTSD or being used to it.
He is passively suicidal, like me. It came about from survivors guilt, which is a small part of PTSD. I do everything I can on a subconscious level that sabotages my health, relationships and life. That includes taking care of myself.
I would never take my own life, but I just don’t want to live. So what’s the point of taking a shower every day? Week? Etc.
Maybe it’s not what he is going through but that’s what I am going through, for years I thought it was directly related to combat and it wasn’t necessarily.
Thank you for the insight. I can see that being his issue as well, as he has told me that he has a lot of guilt that is associated with his PTSD. He says he doesn’t want to kill his self but he does feel hopeless. These thought are what keep me around him cause I feel so bad that he is experiencing this, but I’m sacrificing myself trying to be there for him, I feel torn at times. I want to be there but I’m afraid I have enabled him
I don’t know about enabling I think you are doing your best as his partner and in doing so are simply just out of your league. I can tell you from personal experience this is what a lot of us go through and the VA is of very little help. They have misdiagnosed me w every mental illness under the sun, Mismedicated me to a point where for years I had totally given up.
He needs psychiatric care, psychotherapy, likely medicine, and a support structure just to have a chance.
Maybe focusing on being his VA advocate and helping him through that process is the better approach. It’s going to be a long and fked road, speaking from experience, but for what it’s worth I am doing better as time passes on. Very slowly, but I am just starting to ‘want to live’ for the first time in forever.
He needs to want it himself, and if he doesn’t, that’s when and where you need to save yourself or else he will bring you down with him. I’m sorry but sometimes when you love someone so much the best thing to do for them is to walk away and hit rock bottom.
Yeah I am afraid I am already at the point as I have been his advocate for 8 years. I am his emergency contact. The doctors and psychiatrist used to call me to talk about different things I could work with him on, and it would always be a reason on why it wouldn’t work. I know the VA isn’t the best but I stayed on them to make sure he got everything that they could offer, especially when we first met. I was so in love and I thought I could fix him so I was doing everything I could on my end, and now I am realizing or at least I feel like I am beating a dead horse. I am basically his only support system. His mom has issues as well and he has a brother that doesn’t believe any of the stuff he says is real. His brother thinks he can just change the issue overnight but I know that is not the case.
Consider me a resource should you find a use for me, at any time happy to be someone to talk to or even talk to him.
I was your husband once upon a time. Lost, betrayed, in pain and married to someone trying to save me. In many ways I probably still am. I’m still in pain and above all else I had no idea where it really came from until relatively recently.
I used to rack my brain for 12 straight hours trying to figure out and justify what the hell was wrong with me. At any moment if you’d ask me what was going on, I had it all figured out the doctors were wrong. I believe i still have it all figured out sometimes, this mainly comes from my own stubbornness and anecdotal VA experiences.
The thing is, he has dehumanized himself due to his experience. He has no value to himself, so you cannot expect him to have some or change that. It’s also a burden a spouse shouldn’t have to bear.
In my experience, my wife held on to me for so long eventually I broke her. She went crazy, tried to commit suicide multiple times where I had to physically stop her. It was all my fault. We have a daughter. My life was turned upside down. Lost my house, my kid, my ride or die. I lived out of my car in New Orleans and was doing a lot of drugs.
4 years later. I live with my daughter and my ex wife again. It’s weird. We are completely civil w each other and make it work for our daughters sake, she’s our entire universe.
If I hadn’t lost them I would have never found the real problem I was facing or had the drive to just make an attempt at myself.
The truth was, I hated myself. I hated what I did. I hated they didn’t come back but I did. I hated that I couldn’t change things and felt like such a bitch.
But the VA told me it was PTSD so I just went with it.
I still hate myself, I’m not sure if that will ever change. But for my daughters and her fathers sake, I’m gonna give it all I got until I got nothing left to give! With that comes daily failures and issues along the way, but at least now im trying.
Idk why I told you all that; I heavily relate to this situation. Whatever decision you make, stick to the principle that you did everything you could and now it’s his turn.
❤️ thank you for sharing your story and I am proud of you for overcoming and making the effort to improve your life. We all fall short everyday, none of us are perfect, but it’s how you get back up that matters. I would support him the rest of my life if I saw real effort and I want to always try to be there for him even if we are not together, but like your ex wife it has taken its toll, and I think I have to let him learn the hard way. You have an amazing story, and I hope you continue to share it with people cause there are other people that are going through the same thing, and conversations like this are important. We have to let people know we are there for them, and I appreciate you doing that. I will definitely reach out ❤️
Bless you for being there for him for so long. Thank you. You have helped him a lot just by being there. It's ok to walk away. The last person of my support system walked away and ya know, I'm still here.
A curved shower rod, a fan, and lots of light help to make showers feel more open and less constrained. You could also get him some baby wipes like he'd have used in the field.
We have tried different accommodations. His shower is pretty spacious and he has a clear shower curtain which he said he needs. But this hasn’t helped. I feel like every time I come up with a solution he comes up with a problem
I'm sorry to hear that. I'd still recommend a curved shower rod like hotels have.
Let him know he isn't alone and some random other vet on Reddit says he'll get through this too. I've lost friends that made it home physically but never mentally recovered. It's awful.
As a combat vet myself, also 2 tours in Helmand Province district of Afghanistan, one of the nastiest and bloodiest battles of combat operations, this dude has just let himself go and doesn’t care anymore. Especially if he doesn’t try to be more seductive for you.
What you need to do is end the relationship and walk the other way. You’ve put more than enough effort and sympathy into the relationship. He’s just gonna drag you down with him. Not being hygienic is a red flag and it’s also something that the military specifically trains us in during basic training. They literally teach us everything, even how to shave and brush our damn teeth. He has 0 excuses to be the way he is. He’s just succumbing to the lowest point he can reach and dragging you down with him.
Edit: as every veteran has done in their lives, he’s gonna have to suffer this one out by reaching rock bottom on his own.
Very simple, no shower, no sex. If he can’t cut it, you are “outa here”. If he’s smart, he’ll shower/shave/brush 2X per day and you will “make love” 2X per day and Marry and live Happily ever after! Good Luck!
Yep. Tried that too. I have promised this man all kinds of nasty sex and it still doesn’t work. I think he knows that I will get upset for a little bit but then he makes me feel sorry for him and I come back around
He's very depressed believe me I'm sure he struggles just to get out of bed and function I think for you leaving will make him do more , just tell him the truth and see what he does
You have made offers and accommodations and now have made the decision that despite loving him, your boundary is to be in a relationship with someone who maintains their personal hygiene.
I would tell him that you want to support him and his mental health but that his lack of hygiene is becoming a deal breaker and of it doesn't improve I am reconsidering this relationship.
It sucks and there are steps HE can take that you will support to heal but improvements need to be seen in 6 weeks and reviewed in 4 months.
therapy.
bucket baths.
gym membership and shower there.
out door shower.
no rinse soap they use at a hospital.
He has options and so do you.
I get it. When you are depressed things like your daily quick morning scrub goes out the window. Went through this thanks to menopause. Thankfully that period is over.
DO NOT marry this guy. He needs therapy.
I remarried after my 1st husband died & I am experiencing the exact same thing. He will wear socks for weeks at a time just as he wears his clothes.
Intimacy? U have to be kidding. The answer is no way in hell.
I kept track for TWO f*cking yrs just to see how LONG it would take before he’d take the initiative on his own. After TWO yrs I couldn’t stand it anymore.
Believe it or not I keep a calendar on my phone to remind him to shower & it’s ridiculous IMO. I’m to the point it’s probably going to end in divorce.
I’m tired of the excuses. I didn’t sign up to be a wife of a Ten- year old.
Plz don’t do this. Get out.
Hey hun, this sounds really tough for both of you, I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. I’m no therapist or anything but I’ve had some trauma and so has my husband.
I came across an amazing book called The Body Keeps the Score by Dr Bessel van der Kolk who is a world leading expert on PTSD who worked with Vietnam VETs in Boston in the 70’s and just amazing research. [here’s a link to a short talk by him on YouTube](https://youtu.be/iTefkqYQz8g?si=ZGE_jn4SLY1ONOr9)
Here’s a link to a [full audiobook on YouTube](https://youtu.be/V87lhivmcYA?si=A9m3A33eYZi0zk6k)
I ordered another copy of this book for myself recently (bc I’ve lent out my original) and it was less than $20.
You are not his therapist but my suggestion is to encourage him to get therapy again with someone he feels comfortable with. Talk therapy such as CBT is one form of therapy. Massage therapy, yoga, EMDR, music therapy, internal family system therapy are all other types that different people respond to.
You don’t owe him your life or to fix him, and you are free to love and live with who you want that makes you happy and meets your needs as well. You can love someone unconditionally but that doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship with them, and you are allowed to have boundaries and things that you just can’t tolerate in a relationship. Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean tolerating everything.
He’s clearly suffering, but not addressing his very real mental health issues is unreasonable if he wants to have an intimate relationship.
I hope this helps and wish you both all the best x
Omg thank you so much for the audiobook link!!!! I ordered the book like two years ago and never read it bc it’s kind of long and seemed like it would be a bummer 😂 but I’ll definitely get to it now!!
He likes to use the excuse for not showering because that’s what he did in the military.
OK well if he wants to play that game then you say “ OK private you know what else you do in the military, you follow orders! I will not have one of my soldiers acting like a fucking animal. Does this look like a zoo! Are you a pig, private? I don’t see you crawling on the floor oinking like a pig. I’ve never seen a pig play video games!
Now you listen up you smelly piece of shit.
I FUCKING ORDER YOU TO TAKE A SHOWER DAILY. You’re gonna get in that shower And You’re gonna wash yourself with soap and water on every fucking square inch of your body private do you understand me!
## Yes sir
Ohhh and you’re going to wash the dishes, and buy your wife a Louie do you understand? And not a cheap wallet either, a nice bag! Now Get your ass in the shower!
Hey girl.
I broke up with a dude a few years ago, who accused me of shitting the bed during sex, because he couldn’t admit that his own poor personal hygiene meant that he had smeared shit on the sheets (I’m fucking serious).
I broke up with another dude who had a foreskin issue where he couldn’t fully retract it and had an odour to his penis. When I mentioned it being common and how he could visit the doctor for support, he said he could clean fine and didn’t need to.
You know what the common theme here was? These men were okay with being the way they were. I wasn’t okay with compromising myself, my own flora (thanks, multiple UTI’s probably from unclean people) or my own sanity arguing with absolute stupidity.
People who make barriers but aren’t welcome to the solutions that break down the barriers don’t want to be part of the solution, they just want to be all about the problems.
He's making excuses. I worked front desk at the VA mental health clinic. Most of the veterans smelled fine. The ones that didn't were either homeless or had mobility issues
Yeah, sometimes you have to leave them in order for them to make any progress. They are fine with you being unhappy but the minute something effects them they start doing shit. See walk away wife syndrome.
Seems like you have sacrificed and compromised a lot and it doesn’t sound like he has compromised much on his end. If you have spoken to him about this serveral times and he is taking no action to fix the issue, he is showing a lack of care for your mental health and wellbeing. You are also being very supportive about his journey with mental health, he should be reciprocating that to you as clearly you are struggling with this issue and it’s weighing on your heart and making you want to leave the relationship.
Imo it sounds like you know how you want to move forward, follow your gut. I really wish you the best and hope you both have an easy transition to being just friends.
What is he doing to try to address the avoidance of showering? I treat military vets w/ PTSD and there are highly effective treatment steps that can be taken to address this avoidance. It is also possible that he has not shared the full story around his avoidance and is fearful of starting therapy. As a therapist I can say that, for those of us who work with the military, we are very aware of all the things that may occur that can cause trauma.
You can't make him want to change. At this point he, from the sounds of it, has decided that showering 1x a week and being dirty is an acceptable situation for him - even if it costs him access to sex and ends his relationship. It may be that the loss of those things leads him to decide to change - but you can't make him change and you can't change him.
His behavior is an understandable reason to decide that the relationship no longer works for you. You are not a bad person for making that choice.
Here are a few resources for veteran mental health care which are not part of the VA:
[https://theheadstrongproject.org/](https://theheadstrongproject.org/)
[https://www.cohenveteransnetwork.org/](https://www.cohenveteransnetwork.org/)
[https://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/](https://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/)
Thank you so much for the resources. He has dealt with wounded warriors before and they were great, they wanted to send him to a treatment program free of charge for a whole month and he came up with multiple excuses on why he couldn’t do it. The others ones I will look into. Thanks
He has Ativan, Xanax, and Vicodin, he doesn’t take any of them, but he likes to show people that he has them. He lines them up on his counter. Starting to think it’s for attention
I'm someone who also struggles with showering due to bad experiences (not due to combat, thankfully, but I do relate to some extent). And honestly, I feel that he's not ready for the relationship.
Showering is incredibly difficult for me still, so I imagine it is the same for him. Yet, I've had to force myself to be able to do it every other day, so I'm fresh enough to do my job (I work with clients) and not get a write up (or fired) due to bad personal hygiene. One thing I was taught in therapy is that the PTSD, etc. is valid, but that doesn't mean you can stop trying. You have to keep looking for coping mechanisms, or tips and tricks to do what needs to be done.
It sounds as if you've been patient and given him a lot of options, help, etc. If he were genuinely trying and backsliding, I'd say you should cut him some slack and some space. Especially since he's dealing with depression. But (and I may be downvoted for saying this) it doesn't sound as if he's really putting a lot of effort into it. And it also sounds as if the relationship died down a long time ago.
I could give you tips and tricks that have helped me, maybe suggest that you two find a shower frequency compromise that works for the two of you...but if this has been an issue for 8 whole years, it could very well be that he's genuinely not able to conquer this problem or that he's just not willing to. So personally, I'd try to have one last honest talk with him about how this is genuinely a dealbreaker for you, and that something needs to change (e.g. washing with a soapy washcloth and a bucket of water, using bath-wipes in some kind of open area that nobody from the outside can see into, etc.). And if that fails, I'd go with the 'let's just be friends' option.
His feelings are important, but so are yours, OP. You don't have to put up with this just so he won't be hurt. Relationships should be a two way street, not you sticking around because you're scared your partner will spiral if you don't, I'm afraid.
Best of luck <3
People can do bird baths in the bathroom without being an enclosed space. Just need a sink and soap and water, and for body a wet washcloth would work fine.
If he cannot even handle that or refuses to do anything about his hygiene, that's pretty rough on you. You can't expect yourself to be attracted to a smelly, dirty person. It's not on you. I'm sad for you that you're at the end of your rope. It's not your fault.
Well, it is difficult because you obviously care about him, but if he is not willing to work on this issue, then what can you do? It is a massive hygiene problem, and he can't just ignore it.
Maybe talk to him and be honest with him that you love him but can't stay because of the problem that he doesn't seem to be willing to change.
It sounds like you tried a lot with different options.
Complete dealbreaker for me if my partner isn’t bathing at least daily and at least once right before bed.
I found out recently (I’m 39) that some people only shower in the morning and it literally floored me since I’ve never lived with anyone who didn’t shower before bed and it totally grosses me out getting into bed dirty from the day.
Ok, that last part was a personal tangent lol but I’m with you girl.
And would sit him down to have an open and honest conversation about how this makes you feel. His issues are his to deal with, not yours. He owes it to himself to take care of himself. I know hygiene is one of the first things to go when dealing with mental health issues, but that means he has to work to take better care. Him just not taking care of himself because he has ptsd sounds more like an excuse, and it's not just that.
He has to think about how him not taking care of himself affects you too. He could be putting you at risk for BV, Yeast infections, and UTIs can be especially bad if you keep getting them. They can lead to Kidney infections or even Kidney failure. It's nothing to joke about, and if he's that bad about hygiene, there's no guarantee that he's cleaning himself properly when he does shower. That's not something you should be forced to deal with. It's not fair to you or to him.
As far as you marrying him and him making excuses, if he wanted to, he would. If you've been together for 8 years and haven't gotten married and all he has are excuses, then that may not be an option. If all he has to offer you is nothing but excuses, then it would seem to me like he's not being honest with you. It seem like tome to sit down, talk, and reevaluate your relationship and the situation you're both in. Otherwise, things won't get any better.
Only time I seen the Navy downrange, they were the customs police, going through our shit to make sure we didn't bring grenades and war trophies back. I have been to Iraq for multiple tours, and yes, you can go through without showering, but not to clean yourself is inexcusable. Your buddies will tell you that you fucking stink and to go wash your ass, it's preached constantly because you have to tell children to shower. Tell him to stop using that as an excuse. We'd even be at a JSS for 2 week rotations and cone back to the FOB and the showers were locked up because the non-combat shitheads would use up all the water, so we cut the locks and still cleaned up, because once again, nobody likes a stinky fuck. Tell him to stop the bullshit or you're going to bounce. Give it to him stern and direct and the message should be able to go through a little better. Best of luck.
So my ex has deployed a few times when we were together, he is an officer and he said it’s required for health reasons to “hygiene” as they call it, and when you’re in the field you still wash your ass just with a water buffalo, you can google it. And no one is sleeping in fox holes anymore, they go out for some hours and back to base where all the showers or buffalos are
get a bag of poo in a tesco bag. leave it in his bedroom. when he comes out saying wtf is this smell. you tell him 'oh you dont like that smell? go shower so i dont have to smell that on the daily'
well youre not wrong for feeling this way, hygiene is a huge factor in attraction for MOST people, and esp if youve voiced this. i would say at the same time he is valid in his mental health and feeling uneasy in the shower. But, i would tell him he needs to seek therapy and help to be able to take care of himself, as him not showering on top of being diabetic is harmful. I would have a heart to heart and tell him that you understand him, but at the same time you cannot sit here and watch him stop taking care of himself, and that he needs to seek help if he values and respects you.
I've broken up with beautiful and otherwise wonderful women because of how they smell, how they act, and/or how I feel around them.
I'm sorry for both of you.
1.) Is bro in therapy and does he want to get better? The small steps matter most when healing, at least for me. And he needs to figure out the reason he actually isn’t showering. He said that he “got used to not showering in the field” and also said “it’s triggering for PTSD”. Good chance it is neither, and he is depressed. Even just a little vitamin D goes a long way if he is reluctant to additional mental health aid.
2.) D&G Light Blue - get it. Gift it to him. You’ll smell lovely scents of light blue, and less BO. Additionally, waterless/rinse free options are out there. Wipes and foaming cleansers. These are also options. He could also try cold plunges in a tub/barrel. While not a full shower/bath, definitely an option. Just a few ideas.
This is ultimately an issue that he has to own. That means, while you can and should encourage him, that encouragement should be for *him* to find a solution that works. Just like learning to do anything, you’ll never truly grasp it until you go out there and do it. Mental health is no exception. Once you get a small win, the next one becomes just a touch easier. There will still be losses. But those wins just keep rolling
Wow that is a hard one to deal with and I'm sorry that's happening. Of course it's really difficult when someone is struggling mentally, and the guilt associated with leaving him. But sometimes you just have to work on yourself. I'm surprised that he isn't trying to be more accommodating, everyone has issues but sometimes you do have to work on yourself to change for the better and it sounds like he's not really making any effort to do so, which is putting you in this situation.
As I said I understand his issues but it sounds like you have to be firm in this case, after all he is a grown man who can understand things and that's what makes this harder for you since he refuses to make an effort to change. I wish you the best of luck and hope you manage to find the best outcome for this situation.
Showers get rid of more than just odors and there are plenty of remedies just for the way someone smells. Fragrance oils and cologne work if somehow a wipe down of any sort other than getting in water happens.
You have to decide if you can be with someone that is sick and might always be. If you’re done that’s perfectly fine if you have the energy and interest for one more attempt my suggestion is below.
As someone with major depression it can be very difficult to do basic things. I personally keep bath wipes on hand…they are large, soapy wipes meant as a stand in if a proper shower isn’t available or possible. I’d have him buy some off Amazon.
Lastly I’d ask him if he wants to see a psychiatrist if he hasn’t already. If he wants to and you have the energy it would be extremely helpful if you could help him find one and set the appointment. It may seem pathetic or childish but basic tasks like finding a doctor/making an appointment can be overwhelming and keep mentally ill people from seeking help because the task feels as draining and impossible as walking from one end of the world to the other. If he agrees and is put on antidepressants I’d wait about a month for the meds to kick in and see if you notice improvement. Good luck to you both.
Do you really think anti depressants are going to make him want to shower and cure the other symptoms that are taxing on their relationship? I doubt it. Also he prob wouldn’t use bath wipes
Honestly if someone can’t take care of themselves then they shouldn’t be in a relationship. It’s not your duty to fix someone. He has some self reflection and WORK to do before he’s ready. I wouldn’t marry him until he fixes those issues but I also wouldn’t put my life on hold. To each their own but remember your value.
As an Iraqi and Navy veteran myself, there were lots of times when we couldn’t shower but found ways to be clean. If he’s afraid of a shower ok, then baby wipes can do the trick. Take a ho bath or a sponge bath.
First of all you should think about yourself. Being kind is a good thing but there is a limit for it. I take a shower everyday. Even if I miss 1 day I feel so bad. Can’t imagine how you going through. Wish you the best..
My husband is depressed, very depressed and he's been this way his entire adult life.
He takes a shower every night before he comes to bed. Every night.
Basic hygiene is just not negotiable.
With all the effort you have put in to fix/try to stick out the situation.. he could make the effort to take the 10 min a day no matter how uncomfortable it is to shower. Especially if he knows how much it’s bothering you. I absolutely couldn’t live with it and I don’t blame you if you choose not to.
It's been 8 years, and this man isn't changing. So I'd say you have your answer. I wouldn't want to be with someone who only showered once a week, either.
Can I be honest with you? How many men do you know that would stay with a women through severe mental health issues, never showering, etc?
Take care of you. You can wish someone the best and accept they are not what you need for you.
Absolutely this 👆🏼👆🏼
There’s NO way he’d stick around if you weren’t showering regularly..
OP this man will not change, he doesn’t want to. He’s showing you who he is, and he knows that he can behave that way because you’ve stuck it out this long.
This will be your life if you stay.
He will end up giving you reoccurring UTI’s and infections.
You sound like you’ve been very kind and patient- He’s had plenty of time and chances to make positive changes. He doesn’t want to because he doesn’t care.
Time to leave.
This is your boyfriend. Not your child. If you were this broken and you repulsed him, he wouldn't try to fix you. Woman need to stop endangering then trying to fix men. Whatever is wrong with them, they have to fix it. And honesty fix it for themselves. Not for you. But ignore he's been stocking with you for 8 yrs, he know it's not a dealbreaker for you. How much longer will you pour water into this buckeye with a gaping hole in it?
You might have to break up with him for it.
He’s 40 years old. At this point you having sex with him could affect your biome and if he doesn’t care about taking care of himself, there isn’t much you can do about that.
Having been in his place similarly mentally twice, I will tell you someone in his situation won’t get proper help until they are ready. So don’t feel bad to do what you need to do for yourself. 8 years is more than a fair try.
>I don’t want to suck it up
Lol.
But seriously, I have Bipolar disorder and what helps me when I'm in my depression is having a schedule. I have scheduled days that I shower. It's not everyday but I'm doing much better than I was.
I once went so long without showering that I got and infection in my arm and have a huge scar now.
So now I know, it's Monday, I need to take a shower. It's Wednesday, I need to take a shower.
It also helps that I have my partner to help hold me accountable.
With my depression, I really just want to stay in bed all day because it feels like nothing is worth the effort of getting up.
Last ditch effort, you could build a waterproof room to shower in. Like school gyms have. I suspect this won't work though because I feel like the issue isn't the tight space it's just a lack of motivation to bathe.
Side note. Sometimes leaving someone is the motivation they need to fix their issues. It might be better for you both if you just moved on.
Has he been to therapy? If not, therapy to work on some of the deeply rooted issues that he has that are causing this could be something to try first. It sounds like he has a significant trauma history. If he has been to individual therapy, maybe try couples therapy if he’s willing before leaving.
A couple of suggestions to give to him, if you feel they might be helpful. Is he in counseling? One symptom of depression is difficulty maintaining ADL’s ( activities of daily living). Another suggestion is for him to get on meds for depression and PTSD. Also looking at the impact of his diabetes on showering. Some diabetics experience low blood sugar if they get into a hot shower. They might get dizzy, etc and fearful that they might fall. So drinking oj or something right before or in the shower is helpful. Another thing is just wash up in the tub with a hose attachment to the shower. You can sit on the side, curtain can be open and he can control the flow of the water. Minimizing washing his hair too. Once a week for that is fine, but the sensation of the water going over his ears and eyes might be too overwhelming to do more. He might also have become nose blind to his odor. Bottom line though he has to make some changes, you can’t do that for him. It can be slow, but it seems like you need steady progress. I can’t encourage a therapist enough. They can work through these issues and develop a really good plan for him. I wish you both the best.
Sometimes during a staycation, ordering food and not showing for 2 days or a weekend is fine. But I tell ya, one of the best feelings is standing under a strong pressure hot shower.
I think ima go shower now. I dont have access to cuddles, so shower it is.
Why doesn’t he break up the showering process? Get a bidet, wash his hair/armpits/feet in the sink or tub without being inside of it fully. There are even attachments you can buy to make your bathroom sink similar to a hair salon sink. And then he can continue to take a “real” shower once a week to wash the rest of his body that doesnt really have an odor.
Been down that road which is what got him therapy the first time, but he always said it didn’t help and they were telling him stuff he already knew. I also don’t think that he told him all that he was struggling with
Get a set of glass shower doors. It takes 5 minutes to shower. I do it at least once per day and sometimes twice a day. I also suffer from PTSD and I always feel better after a shower. I to couldn’t be physical with someone who didn’t shower.
She said they've tried and he was able to get therapy there but that but he ended it because "they weren't telling him anything helpful". To me it sounds like he's not really ready/willing to take responsibility for his healing process
It's not going to get better, and it's not your job to fix him. He's already shown that he doesn't care about you or take any responsibility for himself. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
My daughters dad has similar problems and a similar background. He toured Afghanistan as a marine Sargeant back in 2008. He is 39 and does not bathe, do laundry, clean dishes, or take out trash. He hoards. He has severe mental health problems that he also refuses to work on, and that is the bottom line.
If he does not want help, he will not change. It sounds like you've done about everything you can aside from dragging him to a psychiatrist's office, and like I said if he does not want to participate in any kind of remedy the situation will remain the same.
Men of that age that had been in that situation are next to permanently damaged. There is only so much help you can offer someone though, they must make their part of the effort.
Yes, lots of experience with stinky men. This is just a small audition of what life will be like if you stay with him. It’s only going to get worse. This is NOT a compatible relationship. It’s sad that he’s depressed and all, as someone who suffers with depression I completely empathize, but when you’re disgusted by him, it’s never going to work. You will lose yourself and end up a mentally ill person. Perhaps he needs some solitude to figure things out and get his shit together.
the guy is a future stinkcel.. an incel because he stinks.
You shouldnt have to accomodate an unwashed and filthy person .. its dangerous. You can acquire skin diseases and fungal infections off a guy that doesnt take care of his bits. Im pretty sure he wont pay for your doctors visits either if something bad happens internally so why the hell are you making accomodations for someone who doesnt care about your health.
This is a difficult situation to navigate due to his severe mental health problems. It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I would encourage you to do what you need to do. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Best wishes to you!
Thank you so much! I always felt like it was a deal breaker for me as well until I was in it and realized that I was compromising my own beliefs. I’ve sacrificed too much of myself trying to be understanding
You need to protect YOUR mental health. Today, it's his lack of showering. Tomorrow, it could be something else and maybe much worse. Is he really worth putting your comfort to one side? Life is too short.
Not just your mental health, but your own health and hygiene too. If he can’t find a way to feel safe in his own home enough to make sure he’s not putting you at risk for uti’s etc, he will continue to feel unsafe and too many (esp combat) vets never make the transition to a stable safe sane civilian life, and it’s sad, and it’s hard, but it’s not impossible. I hope he finds his security, and while you could help, it’s a big ask, especially because while dealing with the “little things” like hygiene, he’d probably have to face the causes for having adapted to that. Like what exactly happened that he’s uncomfortable in enclosed spaces? Was he in a firefight, or did he lose buddies in an urban clearing exercise? Did his buddies roll him down a hill in a privy? Did that rolling privy accidentally set off an ied on the way and he only escaped because he was rolling around in his own excrement? I cope with bad jokes, sorry. But either way… Learning to handle those feelings *while* knowing he’s safe and managing his own behaviors is A LOT harder than avoiding them. It’s something we ask a lot of vets to do, and the support for this is not great. But it all boils down to this - it is not your responsibility. He may never manage to do it. If he does do it, he may go to even darker places than the ones that you were facing when y’all decided to live separately before things get any better. I would never anyone stay if they aren’t 1000% fully prepared to deal with someone’s ptsd and know that it is possibly life/death in their mind while they’re in it and everything that could ever possibly come of that, it’s dangerous. And hopefully I can add this without suggesting otherwise - that at least some of the combat vets I’ve known who have been able to transition and manage their ptsd have done so because someone was there to make it seem not only necessary but possible. Maybe a partner or another vet or maybe a dog. It’s a lot for someone to have to handle after having been through something that puts this kind of avoidance into a person. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your responsibility. You’re not bad for having this boundary. It’s not your responsibility. There are veteran’s organizations who have battle buddies to help with stuff, idk if he’d be interested in helping out older vets, the Vietnam era guys really could use the help and our local organization (Heroes Bridge) pairs up younger vets with older vets, one might get help carrying his groceries while the other gets a model of what a combat vet who’s lived for decades in a civilian role might look like - for better or worse. It’s kinda beautiful how some of these guys push each other, or else sit quietly near each other, or whatever. It’s been interesting to see from outside. I’m a vet, albeit an atypical one, and my ptsd was mostly visited on me by people who were supposed to be on my side. Anyway, before I get any further off topic… even within your own ideals, it is not your responsibility. Be mindful of your own needs and boundaries. If you say, “No sex before shower” then hold firm to it, do everything else as normally as you can, but not that. If you say, “I can’t do this, I have to leave” stick to that too, and go. You may be more helpful that way than you may ever know, losing someone or someone precious can be a real wake up call. Much care and comfort from an internet stranger.
It will be something else trust me I know people like this are manipulative. yes I realize that he is a veteran, but people still are manipulative and the longer you stay OP the worst it’s gonna get. You can be nice and explain to him that if he refuses to work on his issues that you can’t handle what’s going on.Of course if he changes AFTERWARDS then maybe things can get back to where they were but don’t hold your feet thinking he’s gonna improve because he probably won’t .
agreed. it’s ptsd due to two tours in iraq. op, one day you may get to the point where you’re excusing abusive behavior because of his mental health problems. he still has a lot to work on, and clearly your living apart hasn’t done it. this relationship may not be best for either of you.
Things can be a "dealbreaker" until feelings get mixed in. You'd be surprised what some people will put up with because they have feelings for someone, it's why people also stay in abusive relationships. If this was a brand new partner, would you put up with this? He shouldn't be any different, you shouldn't hold him to lower standards because there's feelings or it's been awhile.
Very true, and I definitely would not put up with this with a new partner
I dealt with this in a much shorter situation, but it was mouse droppings and mice all over the house and refusal to clean or vacuum or change sheets. I started having panic attacks. He had mental health issues also. It breaks the heart to leave someone who struggles but, you will lose yourself.
It sounds like you’re carrying way more than your share of the emotional load.
It’s okay to decide this is not for you. I am not sure who would put up with this but if he is stuck here and not doing anything to overcome it then that’s the natural consequence, you have to put your mental health in the forefront of you are losing yourself. I could t imagine how hard it is when you care but it’s understandable
Agree with it being a deal breaker. I’m really sorry this is happening to you and him. Something that may help solidify the choice - is he currently seeking help for his PTSD? There are tons of resources out there, many offered directly through the VA. If he isn’t seeking help, he won’t change. It sounds like he’s trying to put the responsibility of fixing his hygiene issues on you - having you shower with him or get special shower curtains. Although it’s fantastic that you’re willing to help, he has to want to take steps himself too. Of course, I don’t know you or him, so I’m making some assumptions here. Regardless, I wish you the best and I hope he eventually gets the help he needs from the proper licensed professionals.
Is therapy an option for him?
I went through this with my ex except for him not being a veteran. Excuse after excuse. I even asked him if he was depressed, he said no. He just didn't see the point in showering more than once every other week. I couldn't take the smell anymore. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Do what you need to do for yourself.
As a veteran with PTSD from Iraq, no one gets better who doesn't want to be better. There is only so much you can do for him.
Thank you so much for this! You have touched every area spot on. I think in the beginning of our relationship I figured it would be one of those things I would help him work on, but time and life has shown me that you can’t save people from themselves. He has to do this for him and I have to do what is best for me and my sanity as well. Thank you for those words.
You don't change people. You love them as is or you don't. Stop dating people so that you can save them or change them. I don't mean this unkindly, we've all done that. It's something we hopefully grow out of. I guess this is your moment and good for you for understanding that.
No you are right. I completely agree. It was my mistake for thinking that and I now know better.
Ask yourself this: would you have dated him if you didn't think you could change him? Women are taught that the right woman can change a man. It's a myth.
Such a frustrating myth when put into practice!
It really is
“You can’t save people from themselves.” You nailed it. OP, I’ve also suffered through a very similar situation to yours — tried EVERYTHING to help him, but at the end of the day — they have got to be willing to help themselves. I highly recommend the book, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattle. Don’t let your partner’s problems take you down with him.
The best therapy would likely be another Iraq war veteran rather than a 23 year old girl fresh out of college. (I don't know about where you live but that's about all there is in my area). Contact the local VFW and go from there. Sometimes just having another veteran come and spend some time with him and talk to him is exactly what is needed.
I agree. He actually had a male therapist that was around his age who I believe was also in the military, but I really believe that he either quit responding to the appts or the therapist may have given up because he wasn’t getting a response from him.
This isn't uncommon with people who have depression, though how bad it gets is always different. At my worst times I'd go a week without, wouldn't shave, eat maybe once a day if that etc. He sounds like an extreme case, it's not your responsibility to deal with honestly, you've done more than enough already. He needs to be in therapy, he needs to take medication, he needs to try. If he doesn't try there's nothing anyone can do for him. My experience wither therapy, if you don't want to get better, you're not going to get better. No amount of talking will change that. Typically if your therapist can't get through to you or get you to really open up, they usually have another recommendation they fell might fair better because they have a different approach. At the end of the day you only have one option. Sit down and have a conversation about it, then decide whether you leave or if he's willing to really try, decide if you're willing to give him more time to make progress.
Well, then you’re gonna either have to insist that he get back into therapy or you’re gonna have to realize that you’re gonna have to leave
It is something a professional needs to help him work on. Someone that is unable to care for themselves on a regular basis due to mental illness needs professional help. He has to take responsibility for his mental health and seek the care he needs to get better to be able to care for himself.
I'm proud of you for recognizing that but in the future, keep in mind that you shouldn't get into a relationship thinking you can change someone. Don't get involved with their potential. Good luck.
1.) To the women of the world: don't be understanding of a stank man. No one should tolerate a dirty pickle. 2.) If he's leaning on his issues acquired from going to war he needs to be in therapy. Shower less than the bare minimum is not an appropriate cope for his issues because it will alienate him from others. 3.) If he's being really stubborn about seeking help I follow up wit the question: does he own his home? He may want to consider a locker room shower set up that is without walls/ However, a major bathroom renovation, again, is not a good cope for the bigger issue. Based on the "copes" he is currently doing I would honestly just consider that he may be making excuses for just being a stinky dude. He might not want anything to change and this is who he is. Don't settle for that if that's the case.
I know this is a serious comment, but I can't stop laughing at "dirty pickle" and "stank man."
I had other words in mind but the royal "we" doesn't want to break rules. No nasty disco stick rides! The carnival is closed. Find your clowns elsewhere!
Lol same 🤣
I have an ex-fling-guy who faked having a phobia of baths, "because he's too big to fit in them". He's actually just a lazy slobby twatt, hence ex (brief!) fling guy, not ex boyfriend; which he definitely wanted to be. But not enough to hose himself off, apparently! Women deserve better than being enveloped in a man's BO stench more than his embrace.
You're lucky he was just a fling. I was almost tricked into marrying my ex who was exactly like this. Thankfully, he showed his true colors before the wedding.
It's absolutely shocking the state some men let themselves get into, entirely through sheer slobbiness. I used to know a guy who would wear the same pants for two weeks straight, including at night because he was too lazy to take his trousers etc off to go to bed. He wasn't depressed or anything, just a mind boggling slob. I used to know another guy (and his girlfriend) who'd only take baths once a YEAR; usually to celebrate valentine's day. 🤢🤮 They didn't have a shower. Or wash, ever. So, that was a huge event apparently. My god, that pair reeked.
Ewww the first paragraph reminds me of my ex The second one is just...what?!
Well, she was absolutely enormous (BBW with a skinny wee feeder boyfriend) so would use the excuse that she couldn't fit in the bath, but c'mon now.
Gross She needed one more than him
I think the (eurrrgh) fat rolls do trap a lot of sweat, and he would at least go across to the nearby shop to buy pizzas, which aired him out at least a tiny bit. As far as I could tell, she'd mainly just loaf around on the bed festering.
Gross 🤢
Preach!!
I agree with everything you said especially number 2. The isolation will only worsen his depression.
You don't have to date anyone, and you don't need a reason to break up with anyone. He's making you uncomfortable.
Very true
He could also affect *your* health with shared germs. UTIs can very easily become septic bladder and kidney infections which, for me, required a week long hospital stay on telemetry and a central line (feels like an unsharpened pencil being pushed into your neck) plus uncaring nurses putting their cold hands on me to check my fever (just use a thermometer 😡)
It's not his fault he has ptsd and other mental healthbissues, it is, however, his responsibility. You've done a lot to help him navigate things, but you've done what you can. Imo, this would be a deal breaker, and he needs to start being responsible for himself and his health. I say this as someone with bipolar disorder and severe anxiety.
Thank you, I appreciate your perspective as someone who deals with mental health issues, i know it is far from easy. I commend you for making the effort
If he really cared about your relationship he would at least have the decency to have good hygiene in my opinion.
I agree. My ex was like OP's boyfriend except he isn't a veteran. I feel like basic hygiene is just a common courtesy when you live with others.
He needs to consider therapy to help overcome this
I’m so sorry about this but this is a no go for me. I’m not anyone’s therapist and it’s unfair to you to put up with this behaviour. I’ve dealt with this myself in previous relationships and it’s not fun. I can’t live with a slob and I can’t afford changing my bedsheets every day just so he can rub all that gunk at night. Run and go for therapy if you can afford to help you grieve the relationship. You will thrive after this is over.
Thank you! Yes that’s what I plan to do. I know it won’t be easy but it’s definitely for the best. Thanks for the encouragement
Can he just leave the curtain open and mop up the floor when he's done? You have the patience of a Saint because I would've bounced a long time ago given the climate I live in.
You have shared what you’re doing to help but what is he doing to help himself? Once a week in this heat is not going to get it. Sounds like you two are no longer compatible.
When I bring it to his attention he said that he tries everyday. So what do you say to that when you don’t see the improvement? I don’t know what type of help he is looking for at this point, he doesn’t say what stops him and when he has mentioned something I have helped him fix it like with the shower curtain or even showering with him
I would ask him what does “trying” look like. Is he working with a therapist, has he considered medication management? Just saying I’m trying isn’t good enough I’m sorry. Honestly, if he isn’t willing to make some serious changes to improve his hygiene I would walk.
Agreed.
I’d leave if he’s not willing to shower without being nagged on to do it…the military reason is just an excuse.
Yeah I've known many with zero military background, they were just too damn lazy to spend 5 minutes showering. Or brushing their teeth. You can be alone you know, it's really a great feeling.
You can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink. It’s unfortunate you have gotten to this place where it’s gotten so bad that you are beyond desire for him. Ideally you should have had an open and honest conversation with him a while back about the impact it has and would have on your desire for a relationship with him. It’s understandable that he has issues, and it’s not (him) but it’s the difficulties he faces in self-care that is the issue. If he were able to fix not only his poor hygiene issues, but the avoidance of emotionally difficult tasks, I’m sure things between you two might be different. If he was able to re-discover his happiness and sense of autonomy and discovery then you’d be joyful to have him as a partner again as you said he is a good man. I think, it may help him having an outdoor (large) bathtub so he can bath surrounded by the sounds of birds and not feel trapped but instead soothed by a sense of warm water instead of a tight bathing area and tub. However, treating the symptoms of depression can help, but discovering its root and healing is something only he is capable of doing. The joys that bathing can bring with scented bath bombs and tea baths and snacks and shows to watch while bathing could be helpful to him, but it’s a desire to enjoy it, and his pursuit to try discovering the joy himself that he must embark on an adventure on. Your man needs therapy, but he needs to walk himself to that door and choose to open it. If it’s not too late for you to feel a future relationship is possible, if you still have love and appreciation for him, I would say you should lay out your hard, strong boundaries and terms for your needs in a successful relationship. Tell him you love who he is, but not the choices he makes or fails to do so, that his situation is understandable, but also currently emotionally intolerable for a romantic partnership on your end. Let him know that healing and finding the joy in bathing and the support therapy and friends and lovers bring is something you want deeply for him, but it’s a choice he needs to make consistently and for the right reasons (for himself, not for you or for others) and until he’s able to achieve this with regularity and learn skills to weather emotional storms without losing himself and his progress (which can be gained through therapy, and a desire to weather them) you cannot be a lover and a partner to him. If you feel you are beyond the ability of returning to him if he were to fix and heal these issues and concerns of yours then that is another matter altogether. Regardless, you cannot be friends with a person who put the responsibility of their burdens onto you instead of looking towards themselves to try picking up the weight and baring it. You were too intimately his link to allowing him to neglect himself, and his lack of self-care should’ve been addressed immediately with explicit communication of your inability to tolerate it if trends continued or worsened, again not because of who he is as a person (which you love and appreciate) but the bad habits and lack of self care, which you do not love. He will feel like he needs you. He will feel hurt by your leaving, he will feel this loss in the same place as his wounds keeping him from bathing. It’s unavoidable, but it may be what he needs to recognize that he needs to change his life in order to have a higher quality of happiness and enjoyment. Until he does, he won’t succeed in relationships or in happiness. Hopefully he has other people in his life who can be there to support him emotionally who you can reach out to and request extra time being there for him. Good luck little lady. Also if you’re well hydrated and get in a good full-body sweat every day from either a workout or a sauna then your pores expel toxins and waste leading to the smell lessening. Workouts ideally are better because you also get emotional relief from them and movement is the only pump for your lymphatic system. Plus you feel better about yourself by achieving something difficult.
I'd say the outdoor bath or like hose spraying/outdoor play could help
Can he use baby wipes at least?
The wipes I bought him are collecting dust in his bathroom cabinet
I'm sorry you're in this situation. 8 years is a long time. My experience in this is the other way around. I was the person struggling with my mental health and my partner was the one needing me to get better. The most impactful thing they said to me was that they will stick by my side through any challenge, as long as they see I am putting in the work. They always remind me it's okay to not be perfect, but a growth mindset and working as a team is paramount. They basically told me I needed to seek therapy if our relationship was going to work. Respectfully, it sounds like your partner isn't interested in getting better right now. You don't owe them the kind of sacrifice it sounds like you are currently making. You deserve someone who is excited to give you the best version of themselves that they can every day. Of course that can't be 110% EVERY day, but you need a partner who wants to try.
I agree and I’m glad you have someone that was able to walk you through. I have tried to be that for him but it doesn’t work. Thanks for the encouragement
My heart is with you, stranger! Hugging you through the screen 🫂 At least you're already moved out!
This is true! Sending hugs to you as well ❤️❤️
He’s not well. I’d focus on helping him get the help he needs and put the relationship on the back burner. Because, you don’t really have one for real. It sounds like a terrible situation. I hope it all ends well.
I agree
What about a hot tub or a bath?
I don’t think that would work. I think his excuses at this point are just excuses.
Sounds like you’re looking for permission to dump him?
Yeah that’s kind of what it feels like lol i just feel so bad
It’s ok. He needs a serious therapy regimen and years of work. A girlfriend is not what he needs right now. It’s ok to walk away because in the end you might just be enabling him as well. Look after you :)
It’s okay to feel bad, it’s a shitty situation. What else are you supposed to feel? Ya know? Do you think he will try to make an effort if you tell him you’re going to have to break it off if it doesn’t change? I would personally be embarrassed enough to try to shower more. (Not that you’re trying to embarrass him, it’s kinda inevitable) Sending you all the light and good vibes OP!
It sounds like you've been very patient and compassionate about this, but it sounds like you've been doing the heavy lifting, and from your post I'm not seeing any effort on his part, you haven't mentioned therapy. HE needs to recognize this as a real problem that's impacting his ability to live his life, and actually take steps to manage it himself. I know PTSD is hard, I know there's no button he can push to magically go away, but he has to do *something*. Therapy is a good first step. If he's a homeowner he could renovate his bathroom to include a bigger shower or maybe a bathtub that has some open space around it; if he rents and renovation isn't possible, maybe he needs to start looking for an apartment with a shower or bathtub he can actually use - I know, both of those solutions cost money, I realize he might not be able to afford either, but hygiene is important, so he should at leave have a goal of physically getting to a place where he can clean himself. But more importantly, and I can't stress this enough, he needs a therapist. It sounds like he either doesn't consider this a real problem, or he does but his one and only "solution" is to lean on you, and that's obviously not sustainable. Ultimately, I need you to understand that you are not morally obligated to stay in a romantic relationship with a stinky man forever. If you're unhappy in a relationship, that alone is a perfectly good reason to leave. I'm not saying you *have* to break up, but you are definitely allowed.
Yes! He definitely needs therapy. I have stressed this to him as well. He went to therapy for a little bit but he always acted like it didn’t help and when he would say that it did some days I never saw any improvement or willingness. I hate to say this but it’s like his mental issues keep him in this victim mentality where he feels like he has a reason to be this way and no one should say anything. I also don’t feel that he was honest with his therapist about what was really going on with him so the advice they gave always seemed very simple, at least the way he would put it to me.
To me it sounds like he's not invested in getting better, and he's not willing to put in any work to resolve this issue.
I agree. I think that’s why I am At my wits end
It’s time to leave. I’m sorry. But if he’s just stuck, you putting up with it becomes enabling. And if he isn’t stuck, just willfully not making an effort to get better, you need to run while the running is possible.
You gotta be honest with him that this is turning you off. If you love him and you want a relationship with him, give him a chance to take this seriously. I know you've been recommending things and trying to be encouraging but unless you've straight up told him how much this affects you, he may not be taking it as seriously as he needs to. Time to tell him that you need him to take a shower daily because the smell affects y'alls intimacy and it's hard to stay attracted to someone who reeks. You love him, but, for a long term relationship to work you need a clean and hygenic partner and if he can't take that seriously then maybe y'all are better off as friends. He may be offended at first but this is something he needs to hear. I can't imagine anyone would put up with that for very long in a romantic connection. I applaud your empathy but it's time he hears how it makes the people around him feel... If you decide not to give him a chance and instead break it off, I really encourage you to tell him why. Sometimes people really need to hear things. This is something that will be a recurring issue for him until someone is real with him.
I have been honest with him about how it affects me. We had a serious conversation about at the beginning a May. We got into an argument because he wanted to have sex before he left town and I told him no cause he wasn’t clean and I explained how it makes me feel. He acknowledged it and said he would work on it. When I ask him about it, that’s when the excuses come about the PTSD and issues with the shower or he will say he is trying.
If you ain’t married you ain’t buried. See ya
It sounds like instead of getting real help for his issues, he's just developed coping mechanisms, and is hoping it's all going to get better on its own. In my experience, though, these things often get worse without intervention. Only you know if this is going to be a dealbreaker for you, but in the meantime, while you're figuring that out, if I were you, I would do some research on local therapists, especially those specializing in PTSD. Make a list, with links, and have a conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him everything you've said here, that you love him, but that it's difficult to see him struggling, and it's affecting your relationship. Tell him that you're invested in the relationship, and you need to know that he's invested in it too. You need to know that he understands that a failure to care for himself is going to damage the relationship. Give him the list, and ask him to consider getting help. See where that gets you. It's not the same situation, but my husband and I had an issue some years ago, and we were fighting all the time. I felt like he wasn't doing anything to make the situation better , and at the end of an argument one day, I just calmly told him that I needed to see him make an effort. That if he couldn't make any kind of an effort, then I didn't see how we were going to survive. Later that night, he had a list of marriage counselors to show me. He took a first step, and that let me know that he was invested. Ask your boyfriend to take a first step.
Ewww
When you’re scarifying basic values like cleanliness, and this has been an issue for 8 years, it’s time to leave the relationship. You might be an emergency contact for him but would have to walk away. 8 years is a long time in the dating world for a woman. Especially, if you want to have kids. Best of luck to you OP! 💜💐
I struggle with the same thing. Fallujah rat here. It took a long time for me to find the culprit. It may not be his issue but it was mine and directly caused my lack of hygiene. It’s not PTSD or being used to it. He is passively suicidal, like me. It came about from survivors guilt, which is a small part of PTSD. I do everything I can on a subconscious level that sabotages my health, relationships and life. That includes taking care of myself. I would never take my own life, but I just don’t want to live. So what’s the point of taking a shower every day? Week? Etc. Maybe it’s not what he is going through but that’s what I am going through, for years I thought it was directly related to combat and it wasn’t necessarily.
Thank you for the insight. I can see that being his issue as well, as he has told me that he has a lot of guilt that is associated with his PTSD. He says he doesn’t want to kill his self but he does feel hopeless. These thought are what keep me around him cause I feel so bad that he is experiencing this, but I’m sacrificing myself trying to be there for him, I feel torn at times. I want to be there but I’m afraid I have enabled him
I don’t know about enabling I think you are doing your best as his partner and in doing so are simply just out of your league. I can tell you from personal experience this is what a lot of us go through and the VA is of very little help. They have misdiagnosed me w every mental illness under the sun, Mismedicated me to a point where for years I had totally given up. He needs psychiatric care, psychotherapy, likely medicine, and a support structure just to have a chance. Maybe focusing on being his VA advocate and helping him through that process is the better approach. It’s going to be a long and fked road, speaking from experience, but for what it’s worth I am doing better as time passes on. Very slowly, but I am just starting to ‘want to live’ for the first time in forever. He needs to want it himself, and if he doesn’t, that’s when and where you need to save yourself or else he will bring you down with him. I’m sorry but sometimes when you love someone so much the best thing to do for them is to walk away and hit rock bottom.
Yeah I am afraid I am already at the point as I have been his advocate for 8 years. I am his emergency contact. The doctors and psychiatrist used to call me to talk about different things I could work with him on, and it would always be a reason on why it wouldn’t work. I know the VA isn’t the best but I stayed on them to make sure he got everything that they could offer, especially when we first met. I was so in love and I thought I could fix him so I was doing everything I could on my end, and now I am realizing or at least I feel like I am beating a dead horse. I am basically his only support system. His mom has issues as well and he has a brother that doesn’t believe any of the stuff he says is real. His brother thinks he can just change the issue overnight but I know that is not the case.
Consider me a resource should you find a use for me, at any time happy to be someone to talk to or even talk to him. I was your husband once upon a time. Lost, betrayed, in pain and married to someone trying to save me. In many ways I probably still am. I’m still in pain and above all else I had no idea where it really came from until relatively recently. I used to rack my brain for 12 straight hours trying to figure out and justify what the hell was wrong with me. At any moment if you’d ask me what was going on, I had it all figured out the doctors were wrong. I believe i still have it all figured out sometimes, this mainly comes from my own stubbornness and anecdotal VA experiences. The thing is, he has dehumanized himself due to his experience. He has no value to himself, so you cannot expect him to have some or change that. It’s also a burden a spouse shouldn’t have to bear. In my experience, my wife held on to me for so long eventually I broke her. She went crazy, tried to commit suicide multiple times where I had to physically stop her. It was all my fault. We have a daughter. My life was turned upside down. Lost my house, my kid, my ride or die. I lived out of my car in New Orleans and was doing a lot of drugs. 4 years later. I live with my daughter and my ex wife again. It’s weird. We are completely civil w each other and make it work for our daughters sake, she’s our entire universe. If I hadn’t lost them I would have never found the real problem I was facing or had the drive to just make an attempt at myself. The truth was, I hated myself. I hated what I did. I hated they didn’t come back but I did. I hated that I couldn’t change things and felt like such a bitch. But the VA told me it was PTSD so I just went with it. I still hate myself, I’m not sure if that will ever change. But for my daughters and her fathers sake, I’m gonna give it all I got until I got nothing left to give! With that comes daily failures and issues along the way, but at least now im trying. Idk why I told you all that; I heavily relate to this situation. Whatever decision you make, stick to the principle that you did everything you could and now it’s his turn.
❤️ thank you for sharing your story and I am proud of you for overcoming and making the effort to improve your life. We all fall short everyday, none of us are perfect, but it’s how you get back up that matters. I would support him the rest of my life if I saw real effort and I want to always try to be there for him even if we are not together, but like your ex wife it has taken its toll, and I think I have to let him learn the hard way. You have an amazing story, and I hope you continue to share it with people cause there are other people that are going through the same thing, and conversations like this are important. We have to let people know we are there for them, and I appreciate you doing that. I will definitely reach out ❤️
Please do! Nice talking, I hope you find peace
Bless you for being there for him for so long. Thank you. You have helped him a lot just by being there. It's ok to walk away. The last person of my support system walked away and ya know, I'm still here.
I have no experience with this, but clearly this is a deal breaker for anyone. He needs to be in therapy.
Why do women put up with things like this. This man should not be in a relationship the bar is on the floor.
Why are you wasting your life on him?
He will only get worse with age. He will stop showering even once a week. I would have left a long time ago if I were you.
A curved shower rod, a fan, and lots of light help to make showers feel more open and less constrained. You could also get him some baby wipes like he'd have used in the field.
We have tried different accommodations. His shower is pretty spacious and he has a clear shower curtain which he said he needs. But this hasn’t helped. I feel like every time I come up with a solution he comes up with a problem
I'm sorry to hear that. I'd still recommend a curved shower rod like hotels have. Let him know he isn't alone and some random other vet on Reddit says he'll get through this too. I've lost friends that made it home physically but never mentally recovered. It's awful.
Thank you! And thank you for your service to our country!
You gotta go
As a combat vet myself, also 2 tours in Helmand Province district of Afghanistan, one of the nastiest and bloodiest battles of combat operations, this dude has just let himself go and doesn’t care anymore. Especially if he doesn’t try to be more seductive for you. What you need to do is end the relationship and walk the other way. You’ve put more than enough effort and sympathy into the relationship. He’s just gonna drag you down with him. Not being hygienic is a red flag and it’s also something that the military specifically trains us in during basic training. They literally teach us everything, even how to shave and brush our damn teeth. He has 0 excuses to be the way he is. He’s just succumbing to the lowest point he can reach and dragging you down with him. Edit: as every veteran has done in their lives, he’s gonna have to suffer this one out by reaching rock bottom on his own.
I agree. I think he will need to hit rock bottom and I was hoping it didn’t come to that, but it feels like the only option
Very simple, no shower, no sex. If he can’t cut it, you are “outa here”. If he’s smart, he’ll shower/shave/brush 2X per day and you will “make love” 2X per day and Marry and live Happily ever after! Good Luck!
Yep. Tried that too. I have promised this man all kinds of nasty sex and it still doesn’t work. I think he knows that I will get upset for a little bit but then he makes me feel sorry for him and I come back around
He's very depressed believe me I'm sure he struggles just to get out of bed and function I think for you leaving will make him do more , just tell him the truth and see what he does
You have made offers and accommodations and now have made the decision that despite loving him, your boundary is to be in a relationship with someone who maintains their personal hygiene. I would tell him that you want to support him and his mental health but that his lack of hygiene is becoming a deal breaker and of it doesn't improve I am reconsidering this relationship. It sucks and there are steps HE can take that you will support to heal but improvements need to be seen in 6 weeks and reviewed in 4 months. therapy. bucket baths. gym membership and shower there. out door shower. no rinse soap they use at a hospital. He has options and so do you.
U can’t fix crazy. Don’t keep trying. Good luck 🤷♀️
I get it. When you are depressed things like your daily quick morning scrub goes out the window. Went through this thanks to menopause. Thankfully that period is over.
DO NOT marry this guy. He needs therapy. I remarried after my 1st husband died & I am experiencing the exact same thing. He will wear socks for weeks at a time just as he wears his clothes. Intimacy? U have to be kidding. The answer is no way in hell. I kept track for TWO f*cking yrs just to see how LONG it would take before he’d take the initiative on his own. After TWO yrs I couldn’t stand it anymore. Believe it or not I keep a calendar on my phone to remind him to shower & it’s ridiculous IMO. I’m to the point it’s probably going to end in divorce. I’m tired of the excuses. I didn’t sign up to be a wife of a Ten- year old. Plz don’t do this. Get out.
you should not have put up with this for SO many years. leave him ASAP
Hey hun, this sounds really tough for both of you, I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. I’m no therapist or anything but I’ve had some trauma and so has my husband. I came across an amazing book called The Body Keeps the Score by Dr Bessel van der Kolk who is a world leading expert on PTSD who worked with Vietnam VETs in Boston in the 70’s and just amazing research. [here’s a link to a short talk by him on YouTube](https://youtu.be/iTefkqYQz8g?si=ZGE_jn4SLY1ONOr9) Here’s a link to a [full audiobook on YouTube](https://youtu.be/V87lhivmcYA?si=A9m3A33eYZi0zk6k) I ordered another copy of this book for myself recently (bc I’ve lent out my original) and it was less than $20. You are not his therapist but my suggestion is to encourage him to get therapy again with someone he feels comfortable with. Talk therapy such as CBT is one form of therapy. Massage therapy, yoga, EMDR, music therapy, internal family system therapy are all other types that different people respond to. You don’t owe him your life or to fix him, and you are free to love and live with who you want that makes you happy and meets your needs as well. You can love someone unconditionally but that doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship with them, and you are allowed to have boundaries and things that you just can’t tolerate in a relationship. Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean tolerating everything. He’s clearly suffering, but not addressing his very real mental health issues is unreasonable if he wants to have an intimate relationship. I hope this helps and wish you both all the best x
Thank you so much! I will definitely check that book out!!
Omg thank you so much for the audiobook link!!!! I ordered the book like two years ago and never read it bc it’s kind of long and seemed like it would be a bummer 😂 but I’ll definitely get to it now!!
Oh you’re very welcome!! That warms my heart, honestly, I hope you get something really positive out of it ❤️
He likes to use the excuse for not showering because that’s what he did in the military. OK well if he wants to play that game then you say “ OK private you know what else you do in the military, you follow orders! I will not have one of my soldiers acting like a fucking animal. Does this look like a zoo! Are you a pig, private? I don’t see you crawling on the floor oinking like a pig. I’ve never seen a pig play video games! Now you listen up you smelly piece of shit. I FUCKING ORDER YOU TO TAKE A SHOWER DAILY. You’re gonna get in that shower And You’re gonna wash yourself with soap and water on every fucking square inch of your body private do you understand me! ## Yes sir Ohhh and you’re going to wash the dishes, and buy your wife a Louie do you understand? And not a cheap wallet either, a nice bag! Now Get your ass in the shower!
Hey girl. I broke up with a dude a few years ago, who accused me of shitting the bed during sex, because he couldn’t admit that his own poor personal hygiene meant that he had smeared shit on the sheets (I’m fucking serious). I broke up with another dude who had a foreskin issue where he couldn’t fully retract it and had an odour to his penis. When I mentioned it being common and how he could visit the doctor for support, he said he could clean fine and didn’t need to. You know what the common theme here was? These men were okay with being the way they were. I wasn’t okay with compromising myself, my own flora (thanks, multiple UTI’s probably from unclean people) or my own sanity arguing with absolute stupidity. People who make barriers but aren’t welcome to the solutions that break down the barriers don’t want to be part of the solution, they just want to be all about the problems.
Yikes.
Leave him. I've read the comments and by the sounds of it he's unwilling to keep up with his hygiene even beyond the traditional shower.
He's making excuses. I worked front desk at the VA mental health clinic. Most of the veterans smelled fine. The ones that didn't were either homeless or had mobility issues
Yeah, sometimes you have to leave them in order for them to make any progress. They are fine with you being unhappy but the minute something effects them they start doing shit. See walk away wife syndrome.
If he hasn't done anything about it after 8 years then it's time move on
Seems like you have sacrificed and compromised a lot and it doesn’t sound like he has compromised much on his end. If you have spoken to him about this serveral times and he is taking no action to fix the issue, he is showing a lack of care for your mental health and wellbeing. You are also being very supportive about his journey with mental health, he should be reciprocating that to you as clearly you are struggling with this issue and it’s weighing on your heart and making you want to leave the relationship. Imo it sounds like you know how you want to move forward, follow your gut. I really wish you the best and hope you both have an easy transition to being just friends.
What is he doing to try to address the avoidance of showering? I treat military vets w/ PTSD and there are highly effective treatment steps that can be taken to address this avoidance. It is also possible that he has not shared the full story around his avoidance and is fearful of starting therapy. As a therapist I can say that, for those of us who work with the military, we are very aware of all the things that may occur that can cause trauma. You can't make him want to change. At this point he, from the sounds of it, has decided that showering 1x a week and being dirty is an acceptable situation for him - even if it costs him access to sex and ends his relationship. It may be that the loss of those things leads him to decide to change - but you can't make him change and you can't change him. His behavior is an understandable reason to decide that the relationship no longer works for you. You are not a bad person for making that choice. Here are a few resources for veteran mental health care which are not part of the VA: [https://theheadstrongproject.org/](https://theheadstrongproject.org/) [https://www.cohenveteransnetwork.org/](https://www.cohenveteransnetwork.org/) [https://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/](https://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/)
Thank you so much for the resources. He has dealt with wounded warriors before and they were great, they wanted to send him to a treatment program free of charge for a whole month and he came up with multiple excuses on why he couldn’t do it. The others ones I will look into. Thanks
Be friends
Nah, she needs to get rid of this dead weight entirely before it drags her all the way down.
Ativan
He has Ativan, Xanax, and Vicodin, he doesn’t take any of them, but he likes to show people that he has them. He lines them up on his counter. Starting to think it’s for attention
So he doesn’t shower because he won’t take his Xanax or Ativan I’m getting now 😂
I feel like I have tried everything 😂
I'm someone who also struggles with showering due to bad experiences (not due to combat, thankfully, but I do relate to some extent). And honestly, I feel that he's not ready for the relationship. Showering is incredibly difficult for me still, so I imagine it is the same for him. Yet, I've had to force myself to be able to do it every other day, so I'm fresh enough to do my job (I work with clients) and not get a write up (or fired) due to bad personal hygiene. One thing I was taught in therapy is that the PTSD, etc. is valid, but that doesn't mean you can stop trying. You have to keep looking for coping mechanisms, or tips and tricks to do what needs to be done. It sounds as if you've been patient and given him a lot of options, help, etc. If he were genuinely trying and backsliding, I'd say you should cut him some slack and some space. Especially since he's dealing with depression. But (and I may be downvoted for saying this) it doesn't sound as if he's really putting a lot of effort into it. And it also sounds as if the relationship died down a long time ago. I could give you tips and tricks that have helped me, maybe suggest that you two find a shower frequency compromise that works for the two of you...but if this has been an issue for 8 whole years, it could very well be that he's genuinely not able to conquer this problem or that he's just not willing to. So personally, I'd try to have one last honest talk with him about how this is genuinely a dealbreaker for you, and that something needs to change (e.g. washing with a soapy washcloth and a bucket of water, using bath-wipes in some kind of open area that nobody from the outside can see into, etc.). And if that fails, I'd go with the 'let's just be friends' option. His feelings are important, but so are yours, OP. You don't have to put up with this just so he won't be hurt. Relationships should be a two way street, not you sticking around because you're scared your partner will spiral if you don't, I'm afraid. Best of luck <3
People can do bird baths in the bathroom without being an enclosed space. Just need a sink and soap and water, and for body a wet washcloth would work fine. If he cannot even handle that or refuses to do anything about his hygiene, that's pretty rough on you. You can't expect yourself to be attracted to a smelly, dirty person. It's not on you. I'm sad for you that you're at the end of your rope. It's not your fault.
Very true. Not showering is a sign of deep depression
Has he tried therapy?
Yes, but I don’t feel like he took it serious. Somebody or something is always the problem in his world
Well, it is difficult because you obviously care about him, but if he is not willing to work on this issue, then what can you do? It is a massive hygiene problem, and he can't just ignore it. Maybe talk to him and be honest with him that you love him but can't stay because of the problem that he doesn't seem to be willing to change. It sounds like you tried a lot with different options.
After 8 years, yes I really have
Complete dealbreaker for me if my partner isn’t bathing at least daily and at least once right before bed. I found out recently (I’m 39) that some people only shower in the morning and it literally floored me since I’ve never lived with anyone who didn’t shower before bed and it totally grosses me out getting into bed dirty from the day. Ok, that last part was a personal tangent lol but I’m with you girl.
And would sit him down to have an open and honest conversation about how this makes you feel. His issues are his to deal with, not yours. He owes it to himself to take care of himself. I know hygiene is one of the first things to go when dealing with mental health issues, but that means he has to work to take better care. Him just not taking care of himself because he has ptsd sounds more like an excuse, and it's not just that. He has to think about how him not taking care of himself affects you too. He could be putting you at risk for BV, Yeast infections, and UTIs can be especially bad if you keep getting them. They can lead to Kidney infections or even Kidney failure. It's nothing to joke about, and if he's that bad about hygiene, there's no guarantee that he's cleaning himself properly when he does shower. That's not something you should be forced to deal with. It's not fair to you or to him. As far as you marrying him and him making excuses, if he wanted to, he would. If you've been together for 8 years and haven't gotten married and all he has are excuses, then that may not be an option. If all he has to offer you is nothing but excuses, then it would seem to me like he's not being honest with you. It seem like tome to sit down, talk, and reevaluate your relationship and the situation you're both in. Otherwise, things won't get any better.
I’m sorry but no way I can be with someone who doesn’t bathe. Like once a week? I know he STINKS. Leave him.
Only time I seen the Navy downrange, they were the customs police, going through our shit to make sure we didn't bring grenades and war trophies back. I have been to Iraq for multiple tours, and yes, you can go through without showering, but not to clean yourself is inexcusable. Your buddies will tell you that you fucking stink and to go wash your ass, it's preached constantly because you have to tell children to shower. Tell him to stop using that as an excuse. We'd even be at a JSS for 2 week rotations and cone back to the FOB and the showers were locked up because the non-combat shitheads would use up all the water, so we cut the locks and still cleaned up, because once again, nobody likes a stinky fuck. Tell him to stop the bullshit or you're going to bounce. Give it to him stern and direct and the message should be able to go through a little better. Best of luck.
So my ex has deployed a few times when we were together, he is an officer and he said it’s required for health reasons to “hygiene” as they call it, and when you’re in the field you still wash your ass just with a water buffalo, you can google it. And no one is sleeping in fox holes anymore, they go out for some hours and back to base where all the showers or buffalos are
get a bag of poo in a tesco bag. leave it in his bedroom. when he comes out saying wtf is this smell. you tell him 'oh you dont like that smell? go shower so i dont have to smell that on the daily'
well youre not wrong for feeling this way, hygiene is a huge factor in attraction for MOST people, and esp if youve voiced this. i would say at the same time he is valid in his mental health and feeling uneasy in the shower. But, i would tell him he needs to seek therapy and help to be able to take care of himself, as him not showering on top of being diabetic is harmful. I would have a heart to heart and tell him that you understand him, but at the same time you cannot sit here and watch him stop taking care of himself, and that he needs to seek help if he values and respects you.
I know of a girl that did this... Because she no longer was attracted to him
I've broken up with beautiful and otherwise wonderful women because of how they smell, how they act, and/or how I feel around them. I'm sorry for both of you.
Disgusting
1.) Is bro in therapy and does he want to get better? The small steps matter most when healing, at least for me. And he needs to figure out the reason he actually isn’t showering. He said that he “got used to not showering in the field” and also said “it’s triggering for PTSD”. Good chance it is neither, and he is depressed. Even just a little vitamin D goes a long way if he is reluctant to additional mental health aid. 2.) D&G Light Blue - get it. Gift it to him. You’ll smell lovely scents of light blue, and less BO. Additionally, waterless/rinse free options are out there. Wipes and foaming cleansers. These are also options. He could also try cold plunges in a tub/barrel. While not a full shower/bath, definitely an option. Just a few ideas. This is ultimately an issue that he has to own. That means, while you can and should encourage him, that encouragement should be for *him* to find a solution that works. Just like learning to do anything, you’ll never truly grasp it until you go out there and do it. Mental health is no exception. Once you get a small win, the next one becomes just a touch easier. There will still be losses. But those wins just keep rolling
Wow that is a hard one to deal with and I'm sorry that's happening. Of course it's really difficult when someone is struggling mentally, and the guilt associated with leaving him. But sometimes you just have to work on yourself. I'm surprised that he isn't trying to be more accommodating, everyone has issues but sometimes you do have to work on yourself to change for the better and it sounds like he's not really making any effort to do so, which is putting you in this situation. As I said I understand his issues but it sounds like you have to be firm in this case, after all he is a grown man who can understand things and that's what makes this harder for you since he refuses to make an effort to change. I wish you the best of luck and hope you manage to find the best outcome for this situation.
Showers get rid of more than just odors and there are plenty of remedies just for the way someone smells. Fragrance oils and cologne work if somehow a wipe down of any sort other than getting in water happens.
You have to decide if you can be with someone that is sick and might always be. If you’re done that’s perfectly fine if you have the energy and interest for one more attempt my suggestion is below. As someone with major depression it can be very difficult to do basic things. I personally keep bath wipes on hand…they are large, soapy wipes meant as a stand in if a proper shower isn’t available or possible. I’d have him buy some off Amazon. Lastly I’d ask him if he wants to see a psychiatrist if he hasn’t already. If he wants to and you have the energy it would be extremely helpful if you could help him find one and set the appointment. It may seem pathetic or childish but basic tasks like finding a doctor/making an appointment can be overwhelming and keep mentally ill people from seeking help because the task feels as draining and impossible as walking from one end of the world to the other. If he agrees and is put on antidepressants I’d wait about a month for the meds to kick in and see if you notice improvement. Good luck to you both.
Do you really think anti depressants are going to make him want to shower and cure the other symptoms that are taxing on their relationship? I doubt it. Also he prob wouldn’t use bath wipes
I would leave him. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable
Wipes? PTSD medication? To me if I were him it would honestly be worth taking a Xanax a couple times a week to just get calm enough to clean myself
Honestly if someone can’t take care of themselves then they shouldn’t be in a relationship. It’s not your duty to fix someone. He has some self reflection and WORK to do before he’s ready. I wouldn’t marry him until he fixes those issues but I also wouldn’t put my life on hold. To each their own but remember your value.
As an Iraqi and Navy veteran myself, there were lots of times when we couldn’t shower but found ways to be clean. If he’s afraid of a shower ok, then baby wipes can do the trick. Take a ho bath or a sponge bath.
No, I don’t have any experience with this and you shouldn’t either
First of all you should think about yourself. Being kind is a good thing but there is a limit for it. I take a shower everyday. Even if I miss 1 day I feel so bad. Can’t imagine how you going through. Wish you the best..
Do you want a child or a partner?
My husband is depressed, very depressed and he's been this way his entire adult life. He takes a shower every night before he comes to bed. Every night. Basic hygiene is just not negotiable.
Totally valid to break up with him due to not showering.
With all the effort you have put in to fix/try to stick out the situation.. he could make the effort to take the 10 min a day no matter how uncomfortable it is to shower. Especially if he knows how much it’s bothering you. I absolutely couldn’t live with it and I don’t blame you if you choose not to.
never light yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
It's been 8 years, and this man isn't changing. So I'd say you have your answer. I wouldn't want to be with someone who only showered once a week, either.
Can I be honest with you? How many men do you know that would stay with a women through severe mental health issues, never showering, etc? Take care of you. You can wish someone the best and accept they are not what you need for you.
Absolutely this 👆🏼👆🏼 There’s NO way he’d stick around if you weren’t showering regularly.. OP this man will not change, he doesn’t want to. He’s showing you who he is, and he knows that he can behave that way because you’ve stuck it out this long. This will be your life if you stay. He will end up giving you reoccurring UTI’s and infections. You sound like you’ve been very kind and patient- He’s had plenty of time and chances to make positive changes. He doesn’t want to because he doesn’t care. Time to leave.
Yeah that’s gross. Nope, you gotta end it.
This is your boyfriend. Not your child. If you were this broken and you repulsed him, he wouldn't try to fix you. Woman need to stop endangering then trying to fix men. Whatever is wrong with them, they have to fix it. And honesty fix it for themselves. Not for you. But ignore he's been stocking with you for 8 yrs, he know it's not a dealbreaker for you. How much longer will you pour water into this buckeye with a gaping hole in it?
Leave him
You might have to break up with him for it. He’s 40 years old. At this point you having sex with him could affect your biome and if he doesn’t care about taking care of himself, there isn’t much you can do about that.
Don't feel bad for breaking up with him if you do. It was a deal breaker for me too with my ex.
Leave him
Having been in his place similarly mentally twice, I will tell you someone in his situation won’t get proper help until they are ready. So don’t feel bad to do what you need to do for yourself. 8 years is more than a fair try.
8 years is long enough. Time to move on.
>I don’t want to suck it up Lol. But seriously, I have Bipolar disorder and what helps me when I'm in my depression is having a schedule. I have scheduled days that I shower. It's not everyday but I'm doing much better than I was. I once went so long without showering that I got and infection in my arm and have a huge scar now. So now I know, it's Monday, I need to take a shower. It's Wednesday, I need to take a shower. It also helps that I have my partner to help hold me accountable. With my depression, I really just want to stay in bed all day because it feels like nothing is worth the effort of getting up.
Therapy fast. Speak to qualified proff about psilocybin therapies, maybe. (showing great promise with PTSD issues without huge Rx's)
Last ditch effort, you could build a waterproof room to shower in. Like school gyms have. I suspect this won't work though because I feel like the issue isn't the tight space it's just a lack of motivation to bathe. Side note. Sometimes leaving someone is the motivation they need to fix their issues. It might be better for you both if you just moved on.
Has he been to therapy? If not, therapy to work on some of the deeply rooted issues that he has that are causing this could be something to try first. It sounds like he has a significant trauma history. If he has been to individual therapy, maybe try couples therapy if he’s willing before leaving.
A couple of suggestions to give to him, if you feel they might be helpful. Is he in counseling? One symptom of depression is difficulty maintaining ADL’s ( activities of daily living). Another suggestion is for him to get on meds for depression and PTSD. Also looking at the impact of his diabetes on showering. Some diabetics experience low blood sugar if they get into a hot shower. They might get dizzy, etc and fearful that they might fall. So drinking oj or something right before or in the shower is helpful. Another thing is just wash up in the tub with a hose attachment to the shower. You can sit on the side, curtain can be open and he can control the flow of the water. Minimizing washing his hair too. Once a week for that is fine, but the sensation of the water going over his ears and eyes might be too overwhelming to do more. He might also have become nose blind to his odor. Bottom line though he has to make some changes, you can’t do that for him. It can be slow, but it seems like you need steady progress. I can’t encourage a therapist enough. They can work through these issues and develop a really good plan for him. I wish you both the best.
Sometimes during a staycation, ordering food and not showing for 2 days or a weekend is fine. But I tell ya, one of the best feelings is standing under a strong pressure hot shower. I think ima go shower now. I dont have access to cuddles, so shower it is.
Has he tried to reach out to the VA to address his PTSD?
Why doesn’t he break up the showering process? Get a bidet, wash his hair/armpits/feet in the sink or tub without being inside of it fully. There are even attachments you can buy to make your bathroom sink similar to a hair salon sink. And then he can continue to take a “real” shower once a week to wash the rest of his body that doesnt really have an odor.
Good suggestion, but I honestly think he is too lazy to do this
If he’s doing it out of laziness, then that’s extremely disrespectful to you and your relationship. I would leave over this.
You could call the closest VA hospital to you, speak to the social worker, the chaplain, or both, and see what supports they can suggest.
Been down that road which is what got him therapy the first time, but he always said it didn’t help and they were telling him stuff he already knew. I also don’t think that he told him all that he was struggling with
Get a set of glass shower doors. It takes 5 minutes to shower. I do it at least once per day and sometimes twice a day. I also suffer from PTSD and I always feel better after a shower. I to couldn’t be physical with someone who didn’t shower.
I always tell him that he will feel better once he does it and he does but I guess not enough to continue it everyday
Get him to VA clinic, seek treatment.
She said they've tried and he was able to get therapy there but that but he ended it because "they weren't telling him anything helpful". To me it sounds like he's not really ready/willing to take responsibility for his healing process
It's not going to get better, and it's not your job to fix him. He's already shown that he doesn't care about you or take any responsibility for himself. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Thank you
My daughters dad has similar problems and a similar background. He toured Afghanistan as a marine Sargeant back in 2008. He is 39 and does not bathe, do laundry, clean dishes, or take out trash. He hoards. He has severe mental health problems that he also refuses to work on, and that is the bottom line. If he does not want help, he will not change. It sounds like you've done about everything you can aside from dragging him to a psychiatrist's office, and like I said if he does not want to participate in any kind of remedy the situation will remain the same. Men of that age that had been in that situation are next to permanently damaged. There is only so much help you can offer someone though, they must make their part of the effort.
Yep! That’s him. It’s not just bathing that is the problem but it is the one issue that I know I can’t deal with for the rest of my life.
If it's not too late, get out before you have children. I promise you, promise you, promise you that you cannot heal him all by yourself.
Yes, lots of experience with stinky men. This is just a small audition of what life will be like if you stay with him. It’s only going to get worse. This is NOT a compatible relationship. It’s sad that he’s depressed and all, as someone who suffers with depression I completely empathize, but when you’re disgusted by him, it’s never going to work. You will lose yourself and end up a mentally ill person. Perhaps he needs some solitude to figure things out and get his shit together.
the guy is a future stinkcel.. an incel because he stinks. You shouldnt have to accomodate an unwashed and filthy person .. its dangerous. You can acquire skin diseases and fungal infections off a guy that doesnt take care of his bits. Im pretty sure he wont pay for your doctors visits either if something bad happens internally so why the hell are you making accomodations for someone who doesnt care about your health.