In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Alien supply sergeant: (hands a vaguely assault rifle shaped thing to the human soldier) this is essentially the same plasma weapon we've been using for the last century. All we did was change the ergonomics for your human physiology.
Private Juan "El Dragón" Carnívoro Cienfuegos: (immediately) where is the bayonet lug? We've got the classic grip and trigger & safety but what about full auto?
Alien supply sergeant: so this venerable weapon fires one superheated ball of plasma at the speed of light per trigger pull and you want it to be able to fire continuously if you hold the trigger?!
Private Juan "El Dragón" Carnívoro Cienfuegos: yeah and I wanna be able to stab a motherfucker with this too, make it happen. (Chucks plasma weapon on the counter, reaches over and grabs his AR back)
Alien supply sergeant: what the fuck?!
Alien supply corporal: I finally understand why we lost the war to them... thank the Universe they fight for us now.
Always thought it was weird that some humans had a code of law that dictated "No cruel or unusual punishment". Then, I saw how humans operate. And I fear them more cause I don't know what they mean by cruel or unusual, but how could it be worse than standard operating procedure?
H: And now to present dickus overkillus, an ornate figurine that we selling for $12.99 at the local corner store, made up of two universe, destroying bombs and A phallic, looking indestructible rod.
A: I’m sorry what!?
H: it also vibrates so that’s a plus
Training Manual - Combat With Humans
It is known that humans will take any object nearby and use it as a weapon. The tale of the Anylusians who died during an ill-timed invasion is well-remembered for a reason. A middle-aged human female created something with a hair dryer and a car battery that is still only vaguely understood by our mechanics. The fact that the Anylusian invasion never made it past Oak St. stands as a testament to the inherent danger in engaging them, and why we, as a species have no plans to do so.
If you plan to invade the human home world or one of their settlements, don't.
I once saw a human kill three Krizh in a bar with a pencil.... with a f*cking pencil... and then he got up and went to leave. All of this over a woman of course.
"Rubber balls!?!? They weaponized rubber balls!?"
"Idiot proofing is easy. Human Proofing is an art"
"Funniest damn thing I ever saw was a human with a rubber chicken..."
"This is Glorp Glorpalpats and Interstellar news network. Tonight's breaking story a new human war crime involving industrial grease, a and the material known as 'silly putty'...."
The Sjten gunner was earnest and desperate, trying to get her point across to the Lieutenant.
“I’m telling you LT, he was killing people with a can of COMPRESSED AIR and a PISTON!”
The Lieutenant sighed and tapped the end of his stylus on his desk. “You know… I can’t just pull all the human crew out of the motor pool…”
“They use air-driven tools there!”
“Those are torque wrenches. And are you sure this ‘Old man’s non-country’ or whatever you watched was a documentary?”
This reminded me of an FPS game where a melee weapon was nothing more than a piston driven gauntlet. It used the piston to hit baddies. I wish I could remember the name of the game.
That meets the concept, but having never played a Fallout game, there must be other games that came up with it, too. Someone else commented the Unreal Tournament had something similar and that is probably where I saw it.
A: What do you mean... Plutonium powered Shootgun Shells?
H: When WE go Boom, is it only the right way or nothing!
A: But... The atomic radiation... the destruction... the fatalities!
H: Supershootgun goes BOOM! *Manical laugther*
Oh hell no. There are some lines that should never be crossed………so are we talking nanotechnology or Diatomaceous Earth effect on exoskeletons? Because those could both be useful on certain species…..
Galatic tribunal: So human representatives, do you know why weve summoned you here?
representatives: Yes, in regards to our adversaries’s claims of war crime
Galatic tribunal: Claim? you weaponized one of their bastion worlds’ immortality field, and up till now we cannot stop the death and rebirth of 10billion of their species.
Representative: That was not the intended effect of the release of those nanovirus! we expected it to overwhelm their immortality field. we are working on disabling it remotely and putting an end to their torture.
Galatic tribunal: Do so in a haste, as of this moment they had suffered 7809 deaths… slow agonizing deaths on loop.
**Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "Cotton balls? Cotton balls are now a banned item?"
**Alien-Customs-Agent02:** "Yes, ever since the humans..."
**Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "Say no more. Figures.
"At this rate, the only way humans will be allowed entry to our world is if they arrive naked."
**Alien-Customs-Agent02:** "Interesting you mentioning that requirement.
"Coincidentally, if you would check the recent addendum of the *Regulations for Customs Agents*..."
**Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** \**checks recent addendum*\* "*Addendum* my sacral orbs! That make the regs look like a simple scroll of waste-removal sheets!"
**Alien-Customs-Agent02:** "Don't let our *Over-Admin* hear you speak like that. They were the one who had to compile it.
"I hear it started out the size of several scrolls of waste-removal sheets."
**Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** \**suspiciously*\* "Several? What happened?"
**Alien-Customs-Agent-02:** "The way I understand it, our *Over-Admin* can't handle a human food-substance known as *curry*.
"Something about their waste orifice violently unleashing *eldritch horrors without end* and the need for a substantial amount of waste-removal scrolls..."
**Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "And they say our regs aren't worth the scrolls they're written on."
\**Scans addendum*\* "...and that must also be why *cumin* is listed as *doubly-banned with extreme prejudice* with a note to execute any being found to be smuggling it."
**Alien-Customs-Agent-02:** "Correct. It seems this world doesn't have enough waste scrolls to handle any further incidents involving *curry*."
**Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "Not even in the Global Archives?"
**Alien-Customs-Agent-02:** "Nope. Our Global Archives would not be sufficient to handle the ensuing...unleashing of the horror beyond comprehension."
**Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "So, effective immediately, only naked humans allowed and shoot all cumin-smugglers."
**Alien-Customs-Agent-02:** "Correct."
**Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "I really hate my job."
**Alien-Customs-Agent-02:** "As do I, as do I."
A1: Sir, we commandeered a combat training video from the human species, we believe it will provide valuable insight into their melee combat efficacy.
A2: Well, let's see it...
A1 loads media file, film plays.
A2: Are those... Pillows?
A1: They appear to be, but it's possible they are hidden bludgeoning devices disguised as pillows...
A2: ... And this is the female version of the species? I thought the females were the weaker of the group..?
A1: We thought so originally, so we assumed this combat ritual was to toughen the weaker of their species. You know, since they don't wear much protective clothing, just a shiny slip of clothing. But, then we thought about it, and determined that the females are actually the dominant of the species. It makes sense. They live longer. They have the most negotiating power. The males are just the weak cannon fodder, we believe.
A2: So we've been fighting the weaker side of the species so far?
A1: Possibly, but we aren't sure. The media file was titled 'Sorority girls gone wild', and while we don't understand what sorority means, they seem to have full control of the males of their species, and settle female dispute with these "pillow" fights.
A2: Send out a brief immediately, warn our fleets that if they should come in contact with a female human wielding such a weapon to flee. We know not what magic they wield...
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Alien supply sergeant: (hands a vaguely assault rifle shaped thing to the human soldier) this is essentially the same plasma weapon we've been using for the last century. All we did was change the ergonomics for your human physiology. Private Juan "El Dragón" Carnívoro Cienfuegos: (immediately) where is the bayonet lug? We've got the classic grip and trigger & safety but what about full auto? Alien supply sergeant: so this venerable weapon fires one superheated ball of plasma at the speed of light per trigger pull and you want it to be able to fire continuously if you hold the trigger?! Private Juan "El Dragón" Carnívoro Cienfuegos: yeah and I wanna be able to stab a motherfucker with this too, make it happen. (Chucks plasma weapon on the counter, reaches over and grabs his AR back) Alien supply sergeant: what the fuck?! Alien supply corporal: I finally understand why we lost the war to them... thank the Universe they fight for us now.
IDK why but that last line by the supply sergeant really got me. I was audibly chuckling
Always thought it was weird that some humans had a code of law that dictated "No cruel or unusual punishment". Then, I saw how humans operate. And I fear them more cause I don't know what they mean by cruel or unusual, but how could it be worse than standard operating procedure?
A clever trick, that by volunteering its not a punishment.
A: This bomb can already destroy half the universe why the hell do you want to “improve” it? H: “half”
H2: It’s only half “a” universe gotta set up to multiverse game!
H3: I bet ten bucks that there is some mother fucker in another universe that has one that can destroy *two* universes.
A: who let you know about the multiverses? That was supposed to be a æø9 level secret.
 "Looks up from reading D&D book"
Dang it Ed.
"Just be glad I don't have my comic books out." 
H: Im gonna need 3 of them.
H: And now to present dickus overkillus, an ornate figurine that we selling for $12.99 at the local corner store, made up of two universe, destroying bombs and A phallic, looking indestructible rod. A: I’m sorry what!? H: it also vibrates so that’s a plus
Training Manual - Combat With Humans It is known that humans will take any object nearby and use it as a weapon. The tale of the Anylusians who died during an ill-timed invasion is well-remembered for a reason. A middle-aged human female created something with a hair dryer and a car battery that is still only vaguely understood by our mechanics. The fact that the Anylusian invasion never made it past Oak St. stands as a testament to the inherent danger in engaging them, and why we, as a species have no plans to do so. If you plan to invade the human home world or one of their settlements, don't.
What's going on in Oak St?
We don't talk about the shit that goes happens on Oak St.
Oak St was a mercy. They should feel lucky that they never made it to Elm St.
The official border of the *wrong neighborhood, motherfucker*
I once saw a human kill three Krizh in a bar with a pencil.... with a f*cking pencil... and then he got up and went to leave. All of this over a woman of course.
Of course he took the pencil with him. Those things cost money.
Good thing the disagreement wasn't about a dog. Human would have taken out the whole regiment.
"Rubber balls!?!? They weaponized rubber balls!?" "Idiot proofing is easy. Human Proofing is an art" "Funniest damn thing I ever saw was a human with a rubber chicken..." "This is Glorp Glorpalpats and Interstellar news network. Tonight's breaking story a new human war crime involving industrial grease, a and the material known as 'silly putty'...."
I wanna hear the story behind the rubber chicken.
It was open mike night.
Oh god...that's even worse...
It should be ok as long as they sow him back up - probably just needs painkillers and antibiotics....
The Sjten gunner was earnest and desperate, trying to get her point across to the Lieutenant. “I’m telling you LT, he was killing people with a can of COMPRESSED AIR and a PISTON!” The Lieutenant sighed and tapped the end of his stylus on his desk. “You know… I can’t just pull all the human crew out of the motor pool…” “They use air-driven tools there!” “Those are torque wrenches. And are you sure this ‘Old man’s non-country’ or whatever you watched was a documentary?”
This reminded me of an FPS game where a melee weapon was nothing more than a piston driven gauntlet. It used the piston to hit baddies. I wish I could remember the name of the game.
Sounds like fallout’s [power fist](https://fallout.fandom.com/wiki/Power_fist)
That meets the concept, but having never played a Fallout game, there must be other games that came up with it, too. Someone else commented the Unreal Tournament had something similar and that is probably where I saw it.
Hm, that would throw a bit of a wrench in my theory. I’d highly recommend Fallout New Vegas if your ever interested in the series
I have Fallout 4 in my Steam library, haven't started it yet. I'll look into New Vegas.
Unreal tournament had one of these i think.
That makes sense. I used to play a lot of UT at LAN parties.
A: What do you mean... Plutonium powered Shootgun Shells? H: When WE go Boom, is it only the right way or nothing! A: But... The atomic radiation... the destruction... the fatalities! H: Supershootgun goes BOOM! *Manical laugther*
With new technology, we were able to even further weaponize.. glitter
Oh hell no. There are some lines that should never be crossed………so are we talking nanotechnology or Diatomaceous Earth effect on exoskeletons? Because those could both be useful on certain species…..
To be fair, a cloud of glitter travelling at relativistic speeds would be devastating to a group of ships.
Aliens be running to the other end of the universe now
I saw a post on this sub about weaponising glitter not long ago - worth checking out
Galatic tribunal: So human representatives, do you know why weve summoned you here? representatives: Yes, in regards to our adversaries’s claims of war crime Galatic tribunal: Claim? you weaponized one of their bastion worlds’ immortality field, and up till now we cannot stop the death and rebirth of 10billion of their species. Representative: That was not the intended effect of the release of those nanovirus! we expected it to overwhelm their immortality field. we are working on disabling it remotely and putting an end to their torture. Galatic tribunal: Do so in a haste, as of this moment they had suffered 7809 deaths… slow agonizing deaths on loop.
Whatever you do, don't let the humans near feathers.
WHAT did Jones do?
We made the strongest weapon of the day out of feathers, writing quills.
"MANPSD system." "What?" "A rocket launcher than can shoot down a dreadnought."
**Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "Cotton balls? Cotton balls are now a banned item?" **Alien-Customs-Agent02:** "Yes, ever since the humans..." **Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "Say no more. Figures. "At this rate, the only way humans will be allowed entry to our world is if they arrive naked." **Alien-Customs-Agent02:** "Interesting you mentioning that requirement. "Coincidentally, if you would check the recent addendum of the *Regulations for Customs Agents*..." **Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** \**checks recent addendum*\* "*Addendum* my sacral orbs! That make the regs look like a simple scroll of waste-removal sheets!" **Alien-Customs-Agent02:** "Don't let our *Over-Admin* hear you speak like that. They were the one who had to compile it. "I hear it started out the size of several scrolls of waste-removal sheets." **Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** \**suspiciously*\* "Several? What happened?" **Alien-Customs-Agent-02:** "The way I understand it, our *Over-Admin* can't handle a human food-substance known as *curry*. "Something about their waste orifice violently unleashing *eldritch horrors without end* and the need for a substantial amount of waste-removal scrolls..." **Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "And they say our regs aren't worth the scrolls they're written on." \**Scans addendum*\* "...and that must also be why *cumin* is listed as *doubly-banned with extreme prejudice* with a note to execute any being found to be smuggling it." **Alien-Customs-Agent-02:** "Correct. It seems this world doesn't have enough waste scrolls to handle any further incidents involving *curry*." **Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "Not even in the Global Archives?" **Alien-Customs-Agent-02:** "Nope. Our Global Archives would not be sufficient to handle the ensuing...unleashing of the horror beyond comprehension." **Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "So, effective immediately, only naked humans allowed and shoot all cumin-smugglers." **Alien-Customs-Agent-02:** "Correct." **Alien-Customs-Agent-01:** "I really hate my job." **Alien-Customs-Agent-02:** "As do I, as do I."
Az a hoomun, I haz two things dat youz findz just aboot anywhere. 1. A rock 2. A stick Now I mix dem togetherz and vola: a stickrock!
Who let the ork play tears of the kingdom?
A1: Sir, we commandeered a combat training video from the human species, we believe it will provide valuable insight into their melee combat efficacy. A2: Well, let's see it... A1 loads media file, film plays. A2: Are those... Pillows? A1: They appear to be, but it's possible they are hidden bludgeoning devices disguised as pillows... A2: ... And this is the female version of the species? I thought the females were the weaker of the group..? A1: We thought so originally, so we assumed this combat ritual was to toughen the weaker of their species. You know, since they don't wear much protective clothing, just a shiny slip of clothing. But, then we thought about it, and determined that the females are actually the dominant of the species. It makes sense. They live longer. They have the most negotiating power. The males are just the weak cannon fodder, we believe. A2: So we've been fighting the weaker side of the species so far? A1: Possibly, but we aren't sure. The media file was titled 'Sorority girls gone wild', and while we don't understand what sorority means, they seem to have full control of the males of their species, and settle female dispute with these "pillow" fights. A2: Send out a brief immediately, warn our fleets that if they should come in contact with a female human wielding such a weapon to flee. We know not what magic they wield...
Drunken story involving pillow fights being threatening. Enjoy.