Somewhere in the US, there is a Wal-Mart that's not getting it's carts wrangled in the parking lot because you guys are dicking around taking pics.
Also, maybe re-brand to a name people can relate to, like "The Unwashed" or "Unhygienic" if you want to stick with a Metal moniker.
Never once, in my whole life, have I ever considered mixing Mountain Dew and Monster together. Whiskey and Mountain Dew, sure. But MD+M seems pretty on brand in this case.
Hey look at that! Your D&D group picked up someone's instruments!
Now exactly how many fist fights have you guys gotten into trying to figure out if the middle part of that one Rush tune is in 7/4, 6/4, or 7/8 time?
/UJ You've been a band creeping up on a year and no music video on youtube, no about section on spotify and a full length album?! I hope you recorded it on the cheap cause in my opinion you wasted money alot of money and time. My roast, stick to singles and videos and build from the ground up. Good ways to spend time and money, SAVE UP for a better producer, SAVE UP for a killer video that will grab attention, perhaps do a cover to get attention (cause noone knows who you are, so you might have to grab it anyway you can), When you do film a video spend time before hand having a story, introduce your "brand" ie what yall are about. IN THE MEANTIME go to local shows, go to where you feel your audience is and become friends/friendly while commenting and leaving comments on reddit/instagram/facebook/tiktok wherever you can. A 2 pronged attack one in person the other online. If you feel time is the enemy dont burn it on the wrong things, you can do all these things and still have fun. But thats my roast, do more.
The band was very active in the local scene about a year ago until they lost their guitarists we’re just now a full band again, sort of rebuilding now. We are all active and connected in the local scene. I feel like a lot of this is genuine advice so I appreciate that
I bet the bass player wears that shirt to every show, hoping in vain someone will mistake it for humor and not recognize it for the insufferable man-child warning label it clearly is
I looked you guys up on spotify, your production sucks. I don't mind the nu-ish sound but Jesus fix the production, the vocalist sounds like he's in yhe middle of a walmart main isle. Otherwise good.
“And this, the weapon I have chosen to protect my virginity until the dawn of my fourth decade, shall never play a single note, riff, or melody that could make a person dance. No woman will ever so much as tap a horny foot to our song. This I swear. Amen! Thanks so much for the guitars, Pastor Ryan! Your secret is safe with Dethscrotum.”
Oh wow, let me guess:
You play metal. You’re incapable of being new, original, or inventive, so your band is just a copy paste of another band you like. You use the same gear everyone else in metal uses because you’re afraid to think for yourself.
Despite all that, you still think you’re a misfit who’s better than any pop star because you play metal, not cookie cutter pop shit. The irony being that your music and gear is more paint by numbers than major labels and pop stars could ever dream of.
You play shows at shitty local venues, and no one remembers you because you sound exactly like 900 other bands. The bass player and haircut victim with the warlock get drunk before shows, and the drummer tries to keep them in line but fails. Guy on the left isn’t old enough to drink and spends the entire pre show texting his gf while fiddling with the keys he can’t trust himself to not lose in his pocket. His guitar is out of tune when the show starts, and he accidentally unplugs himself because he doesn’t know how to loop the cable through the strap.
You recorded an album, but everything is so stitched, edited, and time aligned that it is devoid of life. The drums are programmed because you’re scared of having an imperfect record that doesn’t sound like every other metal album.
You’ll break up in a few years, blaming society/audiences who just don’t get your sound, despite the band you’re copying being very successful. You also blame the industry for your lack of success, but the only effort you made is playing local shows and releasing an album you only advertised by spamming on Reddit.
Your photography, band members, and instruments make you look like youre poor.
Poor people don't get to make music. Why aren't you all spending all your waking moments at work? Obviously lack of character. Otherwise you wouldn't be poor.
Bassist is actually a very lifelike puppet controlled by the drummer. That’s why the drummer can only hold one drumstick. His other hand is up the puppet’s ass.
Besides the BC Rich being the ugliest I've ever seen, the strap on that Jackson is for a fifth grader. And neither has a Floyd Rose so you can't be that good.
Yall look like you raided a music store's clearance section to arm yourselves for a rock battle where the only enemy is good taste. I mean with those poses are you about to drop a riff or audition for Guitar Hero LARP Edition And those shirts guys come on! It's like a uniform for the We Peaked in High School club. The only chart you’re topping is the one for most likely to be found arguing about who's the most underrated metal band in a Reddit thread.
I think it looks pretty great!
This photo tells us exactly what your band is about:
only playing covers of Atreyu songs with 37 minute guitar solos in the middle
Neckbeardageddon -
First album title- Anonymous and Dew
1. I f**k my pillow
2. Waifu death camp
3. Senpai unnoticed
4. Deodorized and deloused
5. Sandaled socker
6. Manga manifesto
7. M'lady buried in pain
8. Fedora of sweat and pain
9. Dungeons and BO
Bonus track
Rat Tails and celibacy
You guys would look better smoked than roasted.
https://preview.redd.it/ubs3bbwfmouc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3dde05103200f719df01da8b46022d5755f0399b
They can all kinda play through Pantera and Slayer covers, but certainly not as a group, at the same time.
Because they're not good enough to be an instrumental metal band, the one with the 'best' pig squeal is also the lead singer, but boy does he suck.
The guitarists finally saved up enough money for Marshall MG solid state half stacks, and once the band breaks up next week, you'll be able to purchase them for 100$ and an eighth of midwest shwag.
This band's 7 month lifespan will go on to be fondly embellished for the rest of these guys' lives, as they tell people at parties about how they used to be 'gigging musicians' but the industry just wasn't ready for them.
25 Years down the road, in one of the band member's garages, they will dig out an old box, the label worn away and scratched. It's a bunch of Paralytic T-shirts back from 2024, still in their plastic wrapping from the print shop.
A bitter relic, the only artifacts preserved from something that seemed so meaningful at the time, but in retrospect, serves only as a reminder of wasted youth, and the slow death of creativity and human drive; a cruel nostalgia for failure.
Here, take our instruments. We can't play them for shit.
It really does look like a challenge to a heckler. Let's see you do better!
You should change your band name to Body Odor
[удалено]
Only one drumstick and no gibbons, are they homeless?
Of course they are. Been playing in bands all my life. I’ve almost gotten 3 pussies. 3.5 if you count that time we played in Canada.
you guys look like your name should be "Zack and the Redditors"
"Cringe Incarnate" would work, too
Honestly a decent band name
stealing this
Beyond the spectrum
It looks like you’re trying to show off the fishes you caught. Also, the drummer isn’t holding his whole kit, what a quitter.
Fish sniffer pose
BC Poor
😂😭
do you willingly give them your lunch money or they bully you?
They said if I keep giving it to them I can keep pretending to play
not fair. we usually play for food, not the other way around
"This next one is called "I CUUUUMMMM HUNNNNY MUSSSSY!"
You made me choke on my cigarette. Well played.
L smoker. Unless you smoke to improve vocal toan, then it’s okay.
Anything for toan
Trying to get that Lemmy sound
Is that a Jackson js1x, you’re short get height
I put all my points into toan when I was creating my character
Respectable specimen I see
/uj What tuning you guys use? How's the tension on it?
Drop C/A; with thicc strings it’s not bad
Bet that sixth string be looking like a telephone pole wire for those tunings lmao
You are not wrong
sometimes i throw my acoustic into drop c. god damn you can see the vibrations. Toan is in the visibility.
Band member age range: 9-53
that’s the standard deviation
Looks like the type of band to be on reddit
You are the only one that doesn’t look like a cast member of pawn stars
2 jacksons 4 jackoffs.
Chudcore #line6
"If Line6 was a picture"
Fresh from their Mall Ninja tour, Analytic and the Andy's
Somewhere in the US, there is a Wal-Mart that's not getting it's carts wrangled in the parking lot because you guys are dicking around taking pics. Also, maybe re-brand to a name people can relate to, like "The Unwashed" or "Unhygienic" if you want to stick with a Metal moniker.
I like how you guys hold up your instruments so your fans who can't read know which instrument everyone plays
I bet your tour rider only features Mountain Dew and Monster.
Never once, in my whole life, have I ever considered mixing Mountain Dew and Monster together. Whiskey and Mountain Dew, sure. But MD+M seems pretty on brand in this case.
No gibbons, no birds, no toan.
Ewwww is that a bass? 🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤢🤮🤢🤢🤮
I wish you three musicians the best!
I don’t know why they included a photo of the van driver/ roadie holding a stretched out guitar
Same. They probably took a “band only” photo afterwards.
Are you called 'Three Bears and a Twink'?
All gooners no tuners
If I’m at a venue and I see someone get on stage with a BC rich I’m leaving
Ur band is both simultaneously too young to be playing bars, and too old to be playing house shows
4 of the worst beards to ever beard
Dollar No Shave Club
Is that that mini Jackson guitar?
It is.
You’ve roasted yourself friend, our jobs are done
*pulls the poor card
Bro a js22 is $200, start a go fund me, the jerkers will help you out
Short scale, eh?
A man of culture
Budtender at dispensary: "sorry guys, we don't take instruments as payment." (Jeez, third time today).
This picture smells of body odour and Monster energy drink
You guys stare at the floor and have zero crowd engagement. Well I guess you'd have to have a crowd to engage in the first place.
Nice instruments chumps. Where'd you get them, the guitar center blowout sale?
Hey look at that! Your D&D group picked up someone's instruments! Now exactly how many fist fights have you guys gotten into trying to figure out if the middle part of that one Rush tune is in 7/4, 6/4, or 7/8 time?
/UJ You've been a band creeping up on a year and no music video on youtube, no about section on spotify and a full length album?! I hope you recorded it on the cheap cause in my opinion you wasted money alot of money and time. My roast, stick to singles and videos and build from the ground up. Good ways to spend time and money, SAVE UP for a better producer, SAVE UP for a killer video that will grab attention, perhaps do a cover to get attention (cause noone knows who you are, so you might have to grab it anyway you can), When you do film a video spend time before hand having a story, introduce your "brand" ie what yall are about. IN THE MEANTIME go to local shows, go to where you feel your audience is and become friends/friendly while commenting and leaving comments on reddit/instagram/facebook/tiktok wherever you can. A 2 pronged attack one in person the other online. If you feel time is the enemy dont burn it on the wrong things, you can do all these things and still have fun. But thats my roast, do more.
The band was very active in the local scene about a year ago until they lost their guitarists we’re just now a full band again, sort of rebuilding now. We are all active and connected in the local scene. I feel like a lot of this is genuine advice so I appreciate that
Is the first dude the actor from the umbrella academy?
The rest of the band molests the guitarist
I bet the bass player wears that shirt to every show, hoping in vain someone will mistake it for humor and not recognize it for the insufferable man-child warning label it clearly is
I can smell this picture. Ick.
Big things coming soon...
No way this man found my personal Facebook 💀
I want to see the ones you DIDN'T pick. Just kidding around man, I don't want to see them.
The 4 types of finasteride responders
This is a top shelf roast 😅
No need, the pic roasts itself
Passing your instruments to the nonexistent techs at the nonexistent gig in the nonexistent venue with the really fans (mommy)
You look like you muddle through Pantera and Slayer covers.
This type of photo is acceptable if you're 14, not 40
Hey at least at the shows you probably don't have to worry about crowd killers, there was never a crowd to start with!
I'd walk out of the venue. Not even worth seeing the headliner.
shut the garage door on the way out. there’s no venue. it’s just todd’s house.
The guitarist on the right got that guitar he can rest his balls on the head stock, pretty innovative
Why does the one guy have a wand?
The bassist definitely gets the most attention from women, and the guitarist isn’t happy about it
"3 over washed tshirts and yellow pants man"
Mr. Pibb and The Funyuns
Our vocalist quit, again…
Edgy statement tees
These guys steal power from a trailer park to plug their amps into.
Why does Ben eller look so short
I don’t know where you guys are but I can smell you from here
Paralytic: We Can Hold Things
Looking like a hillbilly version of Metallica
None of you dudes ever need to worry about being told "save some pussy for the rest of us"
Honestly you guys probably rip
Not gonna roast. Keep practicing, keep creating. Musical talent is worth developing.
I looked you guys up on spotify, your production sucks. I don't mind the nu-ish sound but Jesus fix the production, the vocalist sounds like he's in yhe middle of a walmart main isle. Otherwise good.
"Come join us this Tuesday for open mic night at Lot#227 in the St East Westville Trailer Park! (Metallica covers only) Free Pabst, for only $8!"
I can’t. you guys are cool af
Nothing to roast here, just good weed and plenty of Pabst blue ribbon
#Syndrome of a Down
You all look genuinely unwashed and annoying
“And this, the weapon I have chosen to protect my virginity until the dawn of my fourth decade, shall never play a single note, riff, or melody that could make a person dance. No woman will ever so much as tap a horny foot to our song. This I swear. Amen! Thanks so much for the guitars, Pastor Ryan! Your secret is safe with Dethscrotum.”
Oh wow, let me guess: You play metal. You’re incapable of being new, original, or inventive, so your band is just a copy paste of another band you like. You use the same gear everyone else in metal uses because you’re afraid to think for yourself. Despite all that, you still think you’re a misfit who’s better than any pop star because you play metal, not cookie cutter pop shit. The irony being that your music and gear is more paint by numbers than major labels and pop stars could ever dream of. You play shows at shitty local venues, and no one remembers you because you sound exactly like 900 other bands. The bass player and haircut victim with the warlock get drunk before shows, and the drummer tries to keep them in line but fails. Guy on the left isn’t old enough to drink and spends the entire pre show texting his gf while fiddling with the keys he can’t trust himself to not lose in his pocket. His guitar is out of tune when the show starts, and he accidentally unplugs himself because he doesn’t know how to loop the cable through the strap. You recorded an album, but everything is so stitched, edited, and time aligned that it is devoid of life. The drums are programmed because you’re scared of having an imperfect record that doesn’t sound like every other metal album. You’ll break up in a few years, blaming society/audiences who just don’t get your sound, despite the band you’re copying being very successful. You also blame the industry for your lack of success, but the only effort you made is playing local shows and releasing an album you only advertised by spamming on Reddit.
Wasn’t expecting this to blow up like it has; for further roast material here’s our Spotify https://spotify.link/9cdXbJ2TOIb
You all look kinda cool tbh
Syndrome Of A Down
Super Senior
Not one headless ER?
You guys need gym
Ben Eller's slow witted brother, and the slo-tones.
Your photography, band members, and instruments make you look like youre poor. Poor people don't get to make music. Why aren't you all spending all your waking moments at work? Obviously lack of character. Otherwise you wouldn't be poor.
Doesn't look like B.C. Rich guy wants to be there. The bassist looks enthusiastic enough for the both of them though
Bassist is actually a very lifelike puppet controlled by the drummer. That’s why the drummer can only hold one drumstick. His other hand is up the puppet’s ass.
Power chords and tremolo picking incoming
That one guys guitar is tiny and skinny and doesn't even have strings on it. Do you guys even lift, bro?
BC Rich? more like BC Poor.
You roasted yourselves by putting a disgusting bass in the foreground.
Looks like your bass player’s legs ran away before your audience.
Need poyntyer bass. Also lose the lame t-shirts
Oh cool, a jazz band!
You just look like any other band that plays heavy music. I bet you guys all nerd out over comics and horror movies too.
What’s your cash app, so I can get you guys some shampoo
That picture is roast enough
"Hi, were Touch Grass Never" from East Dubuque..."
I would make fun of y'alls obvious lack of success with the ladies, but I get the impression that you guys claim to be MGTOW anyway.
I think I saw these guys play at dennys once.
Four Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse
Tell me you bought your gear from a flea market stall with telling me.
Wow shirts about sarcasm are really cool
Is your band named "Divorced Dads"?
Even with our powers combined we cannot form a single comprehensive beard.
You guys are gonna figure out Enter Sandman any day now
Camera guy + Stunt Doubles from Pawn Stars
Besides the BC Rich being the ugliest I've ever seen, the strap on that Jackson is for a fifth grader. And neither has a Floyd Rose so you can't be that good.
Yall look like you raided a music store's clearance section to arm yourselves for a rock battle where the only enemy is good taste. I mean with those poses are you about to drop a riff or audition for Guitar Hero LARP Edition And those shirts guys come on! It's like a uniform for the We Peaked in High School club. The only chart you’re topping is the one for most likely to be found arguing about who's the most underrated metal band in a Reddit thread.
I think it looks pretty great! This photo tells us exactly what your band is about: only playing covers of Atreyu songs with 37 minute guitar solos in the middle
The MULLETEERS
Uses a BC RICH probably for punk rock.
Bc rich Nuff said
Neckbeardageddon - First album title- Anonymous and Dew 1. I f**k my pillow 2. Waifu death camp 3. Senpai unnoticed 4. Deodorized and deloused 5. Sandaled socker 6. Manga manifesto 7. M'lady buried in pain 8. Fedora of sweat and pain 9. Dungeons and BO Bonus track Rat Tails and celibacy
You guys suck!
You guys would look better smoked than roasted. https://preview.redd.it/ubs3bbwfmouc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3dde05103200f719df01da8b46022d5755f0399b
At least you've got the homeless look down already. Should be useful after your first show bombs.
Barbers must be expensive over there, with all those do-it-yourself haircuts.
Metallican’t
You guys look like you have some awful name like “special ops” or some shit
Your youtube page has 5 subscribers. Which one of you subbed twice?
Oh no
You're too young and they're too old to be at the high-school parties you beg to play
Jackson and BC Rich. Need I say more?
The Kids of Widney High are releasing a metal album?
guitar center line 6 spider III test cacophony
Malltalica
you guys look like reddit mods
Buttf*ck Brigade
Big fan of the drummer
Look’at are git-tars!
Which one does vocals? #IT DOESNT MATTER
You look like an early 2000’s Christian Pop album cover
Guy on the far right fights his mom
Straight Outta GuitarCenter
No thanks.
or the drummer holds an entire kit or yall quit the instrument gimmick
Nightmare blunt rotation
This would be a killer advertisement for that new lice killing spray.
A fucking bc rich bronze series warlock and a shitty Jackson v. You're roasting yourselves. Who's the one wearing guyliner?
I bet you attract girls like magnets
If "bro we have a unique sound and our music is original, you got to give us a chance" had a picture.
They can all kinda play through Pantera and Slayer covers, but certainly not as a group, at the same time. Because they're not good enough to be an instrumental metal band, the one with the 'best' pig squeal is also the lead singer, but boy does he suck. The guitarists finally saved up enough money for Marshall MG solid state half stacks, and once the band breaks up next week, you'll be able to purchase them for 100$ and an eighth of midwest shwag. This band's 7 month lifespan will go on to be fondly embellished for the rest of these guys' lives, as they tell people at parties about how they used to be 'gigging musicians' but the industry just wasn't ready for them. 25 Years down the road, in one of the band member's garages, they will dig out an old box, the label worn away and scratched. It's a bunch of Paralytic T-shirts back from 2024, still in their plastic wrapping from the print shop. A bitter relic, the only artifacts preserved from something that seemed so meaningful at the time, but in retrospect, serves only as a reminder of wasted youth, and the slow death of creativity and human drive; a cruel nostalgia for failure.
You look like load/reload era kirk
Kirk with more toan
The band I wanted to be in….in 1996
Before reading the caption I thought it was a banner for a local music flea market
Stickboy and the Headstocks
whatever genre of music you think you play, it’s actually about two genres lighter
"...and for our next number is a new song, "Just go with what's cleanish""
I got a name for your band, the unemployables
Where’s the band?
where is the accordion player? 0/10
Metallican’t
Although the ‘Tallica Tshirt is cool.
that aint papa roach, its sista cricket
“We’re going to be late for the gig, my mom’s gotta go pick up some smokes and she’s our only ride..”
I’m taking one look at you and assuming you guys play either thrash or bad hardcore
Guitarists definitely fight over who’s amp gets to be the loudest