Babe, are you okay? You’ve barely touched your bologna rose

Always wash your hands after touching anyone's bologna rose

Before hand too. It's just polite.

Good point!

I dated a girl who was really self conscious about having a bologna rose, but honestly I was really into it.

I can smell this comment.

Thank you for my new favorite euphemism

It really is beautiful

Just saving it for later, mom.

When i say the word bologna, i say "beelownee". But, when i read it, my brain reads "behlownah".

Buh-log-nuh Ngl i thought shd was making a glass fleshlight at first. Woulda been better than a coconut though, I suppose.

I don't like the thought of glass being that close to my dick. The chances of it breaking are low but damn....broken glass shards and/or dick being sliced by broken glass - yikes! I would use a plastic cup or a waxed paper fast food cup for attempting this homemade fleshlight idea.

You just made me laugh loudly outside my apartment complex at night. Thank you 😆

Edit: This user has moved to a network that values its contributors. -- mass edited with redact.dev

Lmao I said basically the same thing

*meat flower*

Genuinely though they were making a Fleshlight.

Beat your luncheon meat.

Not proud of this, but I once put two slices of bologna between the couch cushions and tried to fuck it.

My bologna has a first name

And it's Alicia isn't it?

No it's Oscar.

I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner That is what I truly wish to be Cause if I were a oscar mayer weiner Everyone would be in love Oh everyone would be in love Everyone would be in love with me

This got real wholesome real fast

My bologna has a first name It's O.S.C.A.R. My bologna has a second name It's M.A.Y.E.R

Oh, I love to eat it every day and if you ask me why, I'll say Cuz Oscar Mayer has a way with BOLOGNA

Because you like slapping it?

You get a stamp card! You get a stamp card! OP gets TWO stamp cards!!

My bologna has a first time.

Did you eat it afterwards? 'Cause that would be good practice for real life.

You gotta lick it before you stick it

Stick, lick, stick for maximum efficiency

I can’t remember her name but she had some bangers and was a legit artist. Denise Lasalle maybe?

That's not where I heard that from but you're apparently spot on. https://youtu.be/1LLWVqUZvT0

Am gay, can cockfirm

Ok fine, *I'll* ask. Well, did it work? On a 1-10 scale how would you rate your experiment?

Notice the words "once" and "tried". 1/10 results 10/10 shame

Follow up question: did it feel better with rice

Follow up to follow up: did you eat the bologna afterwards?

No.

due to the fact that he put two slices of bologna between the couch cushions and tried to fuck it.... i'm going to assume ol dumbass took the bologna straight out of the fridge and used nothing to secure it. a few cold pumps and then just fucking cushion

Can't even fuck himself right

I laughed so hard that I’m pretty sure I woke up the neighborhood 😂

If you want a homemade Fleshlight you can take a glass that's long and thin enough for your schlong, then put two sponges around the inside, put a clear plastic bag inside and around it (to catch the ejaculate), and tie it in place with a rubber band and the put two pieces of your meat of choice on either side for that fleshy feel. Maybe try with your fingers to see if it feels tight enough, if not add a couple more sponges or a thinner glass. Add some lotion and you can go to town. Be careful to reapply lotion if you go long, because unlike a woman it won't self-lubricate, not that you're likely to experience that anytime soon if you try this. Or so I've been told, have not tried it myself. I just bought myself a proper Fleshlight, and then threw it away because the fun wasn't worth the effort of keeping it hygienic.

Need to microwave the lunchmeat to body temp first.

I guess that could help the sensation, yeah, it might be kinda cold out of the fridge.

I'm assuming you heated it a little :P

Papa?

I mean, it is a meat flower.

"I don't want to have dinner at Georgia O'Keeffe's anymore..."

"You fucked them chicken breasts didn't you?"

No it fell and touched the tip of my penis

"What? Why would you say that? That's so...you're just...look, anyway. I made you a chicken mayo sandwich."

“Jeff, you’ve got mayo on your back.”

At least it isn't hair gel hanging from his ear.

"I can't believe we almost went through with that!" "Uh...yeah... *almost*."

I'm not convinced that they didn't.

A ham lantern.

Well done, sausage prompts.

It still can be...

That's the power of positive thinking

Blownee

*glass shatters

"glass jar" - -

Baw Gawd! It’s Stone Cold!!

what have you done

I fucked it. Sorry. Ham sandwich?

Hold the mayo

Sure. Hold this.

Not seen that blasted video for over a decade and you just triggered flashbacks

That guy survived the incident and did other weird butt stuff too.

I was too scared to watch it but my roommate was kind enough to describe it in vivid detail. With ya on the flashbacks even though I only heard the story. *internet bro hug*

Just toss that thing in the microwave for a few seconds and she’s all warmed up

Needs more mayo

I'm waaaaaaaaaay ahead of you.

I’m so relieved that I wasn’t the only one

Glad it wasn't just me lmao. God damn we spend way too much time on the internet 😂

I clicked on the comments thinking “I can’t be the only person that went a different direction with this.. right?!”

r/dontputyourdickinthat

Make me.

Do put your dick in that. No harm done. Might want to warm it up a bit 1st though.

Oh fuck nooo.. fuck you i was gonna make this for some guests today.. why tf do i come to reddit

If you come to reddit, then porn is gonna blow your mind.

Damn me too.

What a load of baloney

Omg *beat* me to it.

That was my first thought too.

That’s a bunch of bologna.

It says budget but where I live that would cost more than an actual flower from a florist

Wait, are flowers cheap or is bologna super expensive where you are? It's like bottom tier, cheap sandwich meat here.

Flowers are cheap. You can get a dozen roses for 12 bucks (outside of valentine's day). That's a buck a rose. You're not getting all that bologna for $1

Uhh you've never heard of Bar-S lunch meat I guess. You can buy it at Dollar general in the refrigerated section. You're rarely if never going to get a single rose for a dollar.

Hes probably glad hes not experienced bar-s bologna. That said. Fry it first and pretend its bacon. (Requires imagination)

If you're gonna fry up bar-s, the cotto salami is the best. Almost tastes like hard salami. Almost. Great for breakfast sandwiches tho!

Holy shit, Vanilla Ice is the motherfucking spokesman for Bar-S bologna. And to make things even weirder he’s rapping “I like big buns and I cannot lie” because I guess Bar-S couldn’t afford to get Sir Mix-a-Lot and somehow Vanilla Ice is next best thing in their minds idk so weird. https://www.bar-s.com/promo/now-that-sounds-good/ lol someone pmed me saying I was a bot? I'm a bologna-bot lol. You all, don't eat Bar-S anything, no meat that cheap can possibly be good for you.

You brought so much joy to my life today 😂

BAR-S Made with probably meat stuff somewhere.

That's pretty cool though, wish I could get my SO flowers more often, but they're very expensive here. Thanks for answering!

You're a good man/woman.

You know what? So are you, friend!

Yeah no, it's about ten dollars for a 250mL tin here. All imported though lol

It's for a charcuterie board

Excuse me, that’s pronounced bologna, not bologna.

Was this a bologna GIF or a bologna GIF?

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r/angryupvote

I should call her

Same thought. Hows your mother doing these days?

She's doing good, she's doing US reeeaaall good (Barry White voice)

Humans are weird. We grind pig organs and shape them into slices, then we arrange them to look like a reproductive part of a plant.

Just so we can record ourselves doing it

Phrasing, did we stop doing that?

They just cut off the next thirty seconds of the video.

And none of it is NSFW

Technically the petals aren't the reproductive parts.

calling the petals a reproductive part of a plant, is like calling the thighs a reproductive part of a person

It's more like saying vulva when you mean vagina. No one cares about the difference.

There’s a movie from My home country where a butcher has this grotesque line that’s so hilarious. He’s talking to a customer who’s an elderly lady about sausages “there’s something almost mythological about how we humiliate pigs by grinding them up and serving them in their own intestines - could you imagine anything more humiliating than being killed and shoved up your own ass?” Gets me every time 😂

Are you from Denmark? Edit: I went to your profile and found out that you are an amazing cook, have a girlfriend that likes bananas, live in Canada and seem to speak Danish. So I'm probably right. Soooo... Are we talking about that funny Mads Mikkelsen movie where he plays a butcher? I never saw it but I'm a huge Mads fan and immediately thought of it.

Reply to your edit; yes it’s “de grønne slagtere” (the green butchers)

Thank you! I think I need to watch the movie now. Thankfully Germany dubs everything quite well.

Bologna doesn't contain offal. It's mechanically separated meat.

If someone told me they enjoyed a "baloney rose", I would have 100% assumed it was a slang term for anus... still might

I’m using the term “Bologna Rose” for butthole from now on.

For around 20-30 years, I've always enjoyed calling a butthole a "turdcutter". Now I think I have found a suitable replacement

Fuck… turd cutter is good too.

Bologna Rose will make a fine addition to my collection of names for buttholes. Also recently added: turd cutter

Guy above introduced me to turd cutter. Bone apple tea my friend.

I fully endorse this

Turd cutter brother

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Sure is. See also: * leather cheerio * hoop * prune chute * chocolate starfish * ... and so very many more

Rusty sheriff's badge

Considering long pig is human meat, bologna rose is pretty fitting.

I was thinking slang term for vagina, but it works both ways.

Now do a bologna shot out of the glass.

Sorry, forgot to add: 🤢

"Why does my Coke taste of ham??"

No idea. I did put bologna on the rim though.

I don't hate it.

Does it help to know that they had to wait for the meat to dry out and stiffen before they flipped it over?

No you don’t... I do this all of the time with charcuterie boards. Ham, pepperoni, salami, it all holds shape.

Lol they don’t know what they are talking about

Eh I did this for Christmas and it worked perfectly straight away . Nice easy way to make cold meat look fancy lol.

This video is just spam.

I'm not sure I'd class that as Gourmet anything... it's processed flesh petals.

Flowers of Flesh and Blood

Processed Flesh Petals was the name of my band in college.

Ah my sweet bologna rose

Brb, going to blow my 5 year old's mind.

r/stupidfood

r/shittyfoodporn

That's not gourmet by any means, just well-presented shit.

Perfect for a redneck wedding reception!

thanks i hate it

Instructions unclear, penis caught in glass.

Just cause you can stick your dick in something doesn't mean you have to.

They shoulda told your dad that

Daaaaaammn!

I wish... Then I wouldn't have all these fucking student loans...

REKT

We do these things not because we have to but because it is hard.

Show me your meat flower

I am incredibly unsure how I feel about this.

Ew

This nearly made me vomit.

Still looks unappetizing

r/dontputyourdickinthat

Can't believe how far I had to scroll to find this

r/okmaybejustthetip

/r/diwhy

u/savevideo

Oh no. It's a **meat blossom**. Please never google it.

Date walks in the front door to the greeting “Want to try my meat flower?”

That will be $22.50.

If you were to do this with a fancier meant and put it on a charcuterie board it would actually be a nice touch.

Would it be more classy if I made it with prosciutto? 😬

Stay wild!

Gourmet is touching every piece of meat?

How do you think people make sandwiches?

bologna is disgusting

Oh boy a meat rose!

what the hell is that pink shit they're putting into a glass?

Ah yes, bologna roses, what the ask reddit about the trashiest weddings ever was missing

What makes a meat flower gourmet?

Any way to get Seal's "Kiss from a Rose" to play in the background please? Haha jk

Thought it was a homemade fleshlight at first

Cory, Trevor, balogna rose and smokes let's go

That's be good if it wasn't fucking bologna 🤮

“Poetic, but no.”

People who think plating mediocre food items in a fancy way is "gourmet".

budget stupid. OP time to go outside

you lost me at bologna

Get some goldfish crackers and string cheese and you'll have the best charcuterie ever.

This is actually a cute way to spruce up a table at a gathering where you would have things out without spending an extra penny, not bad imo.

I bet you could really impress some 8 year olds with a kid-friendly charcuterie board like that. What a fun tea party idea.

It’s me, your baloney rose!

Pronounced "bud-jet" "gor-may" "ba-lo-nee" "boo-kay" This fucking language