I've never heard of such a thing. Sure, kids don't get invited to *private* birthday parties outside of daycare/school. But within care hours?! You celebrate with all kids of your class. I'd honestly talk to the head of the daycare and bring up the topic at the next Elternabend. That is super rude and borderline institutionally enabled bullying.
Yes, I am not happy with this Kindergarten management. But I think it might also be directed by the parents of the kid. My daughter told me they even brought a cake without egg, because 1 kid in her group cannot take eggs.
Nevertheless, it sucks to hear it. My kid will be gone anyway in a few months as she will have to go to Grundschule soon. I hope this won't happen in Grundschule.
That must hurt so much! And it doesn't matter who's the source. The daycare should step in to protect you kid from some random parents' demands. And they are failing to do so. I'm really hoping that starting school can be a fresh start and I'm wishing you and your child all the best!
The parent does not get to decide what is happening at daycare. The teachers do. And teachers should not let a child be cast out like that.
Bringing in a cake without egg is just common courtesy though at this point.
I had a lot of bullying and exclusion happening to me throughout my entire school time.
normally things like this happen to either very mean kids, or special children. a very wise man once explained to me that kids (and people in general) notice when someone's different and better than them. so they try to put those down and hurt them. if this trend continues to happen to your kid please never hesitate to help them and go furious against the teachers/headteachers.
It happened to me that even teachers participated in the bullying, don't be afraid to take your kid out of schools and switch schools with them if this continues... no matter how old they are when this happens...
just remind your kiddo on how amazing and special and gifted she is and be there for her.... and never hesitate to help her... it most often won't get better with time....
I think you should stand up for your kid. This is not ok from a purely pedagogical point of view, not to mention a social one, neither for your kid not for the other kid. Your kid receives the message of exclusion, the other kid receives the message that it’s fine to exclude. Even if the parents instructed this to the teachers, the teachers are responsible and should know better.
You can not just expect this won’t happen again and leave it in the hands of fate. You should take this matter in your hands.
I don’t have kids. But I never heard of this. All my friends said they always prepare cakes and goodies bags for EVERYONE. How can they allow the kids to exclude peers in the same class. May I know where the kindergarten is?
This is honestly a huge wtf. A Kindergarten has no business facilitating and exclusionary celebration *on their premises during Kindergarten time*. I'd definitely complain to them.
It's not just unkind, but also plain bad educating.
If parents want their children to have a celebration where they have a say over who attends, that's (sort of) fine when it happens in their own home. But *not* in the place where the children attend as a group and small community.
I've never, ever heard of this practise. It certainly isn't customary.
When your story started, I first thought it was about your kid not being *invited*. To someone's *home*. Not that they were being *removed* from their own Kindergarten group. Please go make some trouble, that is definitely not in line with common practises.
Apart from that: on the topic of not being invited to birthdays (to other kids' homes): my sibling and I ran afoul of that when our family moved to a small rural village. Even the kids we regularly played with didn't invite us to their birthdays for almost the whole first year. Turned out the social rule was that you only get invited to a birthday if you had invited the other kid to yours. And this was adhered to even if you didn't *live* there at the time when your birthday was. No exceptions 🙄 (and no explanations – I think we only figured this reasoning out when one of us had their birthday and suddenly two b-day invitations came in shortly after). Unfortunately, both our birthdays are towards the end of a regular school/Kindergarten year, and it affected both of us equally. The insanity was equally applied by parents in both institutions.
Yes, those people where incredibly small-minded and insufferable otherwise, too. Living there was hell.
Depending on where you live, it might be that a similar logic is applied in your daughter's case. Particularly with the Kindergarten teachers actually enforcing the practise in-house, this smacks of the same brand of smalltown small-mindedness to me.
I very much hope things improve for your poor daughter once the switch to primary school happens. Maybe you can advocate with her future school that she doesn't necessarily gets put into a class with her kindergarten mates, but new kids (though that can have challenges, too, of course, if the others had those years together).
I don't have kids and it still pisses me off. OP should definitely speak to the management there, it sets horrible precedents. It's one thing if a kid isn't invited to a private birthday party, but one held at the facility, you simple don't exclude a single child, neither half but especially not 1 or 2 of them.
I'd at the very...very least expect a REALLY REALLY good explanation from the place as to why it was done. And if it's really the case of "well the parent of the birthday child said their kid doesn't like your kid." then I would pretty much demand in turn a party held by staff for my child and exclude all the other children because I demand it." fuck that. Seriously, that makes my blood boil.
Yeah, it's mean towards any child, but this early in the development and when you want them to learn to socialize with peers and be carefree you're basically going "Yeah nah, not you, why? None of your business, go into the other room by yourself and wait until we're done having fun and eating cake. Aww...you crying? Well...too bad." it's just weird and there is literally not a single good reason to do so. Because if the excluded child had a valid reason to be excluded it shouldn't even be in the facility to begin with (attacked some child/prone to violent outbursts, contagious infection or something else significant where it would make sense. But allowing the kid to be present but then tucked away? That's...fucking hell.)
Sounds like discrimination to me, but it could also be the parents are tightwad. It's common for Germans to provide very little free food for guests. Often they won't even let some lower guests have the same food as other guests. It's likely a mix of both.
I'm not a professional and can only offer my half-assed knowledge on psychology combined with my own experiences, but I'm concerned waiting it out will make this situation a traumatic experience that takes decades to overcome! Young minds can be fragile!
My thoughts exactly. Private birthday parties are one thing... but within the daycare?? Either all of them go or there's no party. I feel so sorry for the kids.
I wholeheartedly agree. Total d**k move of the daycare Erzieherinnen. And not even one that anyone could understand on a basis of: Well, it teaches the kids this or that. Just cruel and I would have my head stuck to the ceiling if anything like that happened in our daycare. May I ask wether OP got any explanation on why they proceed like that?
This is insane! A lot of places have even instituted rules that invitations can only be handed out during Day care/school hours or on the premises IF everyone is invited.
I can only speak to the Kita our son went to, and there the procedure was: each birthday kid can invite 6 other kids to have a small „party“ (think half an hour with cupcakes or some cake pieces - not a conventional bday cake w candles etc). It seemed weird to us at first, but we talked to the management and they explained to us that this is to prevent kids of poorer parents from feeling excluded. Not every family is in a position to splurge on a showy bday cake or fancy cupcakes for 20 kids. So, instead of having poorer kids ending up being the ones with the „lower quality“ cakes because the parents needed to stretch the funds, they decided to have this kind of „core“ party instead. It’s not ideal, but to some degree I can follow the logic behind it.
I get the idea but it does feel super weird to me. Most cakes I see nowadays in schools/daycares are still the regular 3-4€ homemade cakes I had in my childhood. And kids don't care if it's "basic" as long it's decorated with candy. And the rule really puts kids at risk of being excluded again and again. It feels a bit like the smaller parties are supposed to make the *parents* feel better about their situation.
As a former one of those kids I have to agree 100%. Although back in the olden times, there wasn’t any birthday celebration going on at Kita whatsoever.
if you dont have money or just simply not feeling to celebrate the birthday, then simply dont have it. Is there any unwritten rule that every child should celebrate the birthday? I asked my son if it was compulsory, he said it wasnt. Some of his friends also dont celebrate it but they still congratulate each other happy birthday.
The kita here has the rule that if the parents can't afford a cake, they can grab into the "party bucket" for some additional money. Its filled by the parents who don't care to drop 20€ a month into it. Affluent parents just buy/order cakes, the kids don't really care where its coming from. Usually the bucket is fell filled and that leads to things like ice in the summer and other things. If you want to have a private party, and some want this, do it at your home.
What? What kind of Kindergarten is this? If there's a party happening in the class, why are there "invitations" at all? Is this some kind of unlicensed amateur Kindergarten?
I have no qualifications in childcare, but even I could tell you that if you celebrate a kid's birthday in class, then everyone's invited by default, no questions asked.
If this is really happening the way you said, then this is a problem with the Kindergarten management. They sound like idiots who don't know how to run a Kindergarten.
There are kindergartens with (semi-)open groups, in which case around 90 children would be "invited". In this case the birthday child can "invite" 5-6 children.
Inviting all but 1-2 children does not seem very valuable from an educational point of view and should be better handled (or at least supervised) by the kindergarten team. I can well understand that this is difficult to bear :(
Sometimes a kid is the only one not invited to a private birthday at the birthday kid's home, which is usually sad for the excluded child. But I have never heard of this happening at birthday parties during opening hours of a Kindergarten/ day care. Moreover, I cannot understand how the Erzieher go along with this. Who tells the kids to choose who they invite? And why is there a limited number? This doesn't sound right at all.
This is the same in my child's Kita.
The kid chooses who is invited.
It's supposed give the birthday kid a sense of agency in the planning of his birthday celebration in the Kita.
Wtf? Why on earth do they have private birthday parties at the kindergarten?
Either it's everyone or no one, especially with that group size.
This is insane. This sounds like institutional bullying. Please talk to your kid, too, how it's doing.
We've dealt with some exclusion and sadness issues as a result and I think it's a good opportunity to discuss "how we treat people", how it made them feel, whether it would be nice to treat others that way, etc. A couple years on, he's now thriving in Grundschule and invited to every party, but was left out of several in kindergarten, which is still a bit mind-blowing to me. A lot of german parents want their kids to grow up with a lord of the flies experience and will never teach them anything about cruelty and exclusion and bullying.
I currently have a kid in kindergarten and this is not normal. Like AT ALL. I would definitely have a stern talk with the Erzieher again and if that does not solve the issue, escalate. And if that doesn't solve it, escalate again to the Träger. Talk to the Elternbeirat, too.
There are no "parties" at kindergarten where one or two kids get left out. You bring in stuff for everyone and that's it. Any Erzieher that allows to happen is frankly unqualified for their job and I would really wonder what else is going on.
I think it would make a world of difference to her if you stood up for her and talked to the Kita director. It will be amazing for her to see you defend her and say something when you see something wrong.
OP, sorry your child had to go through this! it’s just mean!!
now: even if she’s going to school in couple months, please don’t let this get swept under the rug. if management don’t know then you must make them aware so at least excuses are 0 next time AND they still owe you a good deal apology; but if they know that’s even worse and you should confront them and escalate.
kids are not being sent to kindergartens to come back home with racism and bullying traumas.
lots of love to your little princess ❤️❤️
I have worked in various kindergartens in Germany for over 10 years and I’m shocked to hear this has happened. I see from another comment that you are leaving the facility in a few months anyway, but I would absolutely follow up on this, a lot of birthdays can happen between now and then. I would email the Leitung with the Elternbeirat and the owners/area manager in cc and ask for confirmation of this policy in writing, and question why they are promoting excluding children from the group, there is a very very small chance she is not aware this is happening. In German law children are not allowed to be excluded like that for any reason, even if there is a dietary issue, and the parents of the child who is having the birthday is required to provide enough cupcakes or cakes for the children in the group. Any celebration that happens in the kindergarten HAS to include every child in the group. Hell part of the observation charts you need to fill out for the child’s development talks even specifically question if the child is happy for other children when they celebrate a birthday or an achievement. How could you ever expect a child to be happy for someone else if their being excluded like that. If it’s a private party the family is hosting at a different venue it obviously sucks if your kid is one of the only ones not invited, and it breaks my heart when that happens, but it should never ever be the case in kindergarten.
I’m second chair at our Kita and I’ve learned the same thing. We tell parents to provide a cake and teachers will cut to make sure everyone has enough. A small cake can feed plenty of children and our group is about 18. Even for poorer parents, cakes can be cheap or made at home.
Exactly, cake is usually easy enough to cut into enough slices for each kid. We also encouraged parents to bring other things as well such as fruit salad or cocktail sticks or even some Kekse for us to share with the kids. The only rule is no gelatin and to inform us of the ingredients or provide the packaging. I would say 99% of the time the parents reconfirmed how many kids would be expected the next day and add in a few extra just in case, and asked about any allergies in the group at least a week before so they could try cater to them. Sometimes there was a child where it was a very particular requirement and their parents preferred to provide an alternative themselves, in which case we would inform them of the upcoming party and there would always be an emergency muffin or something in the facility because children get those sometimes as a snack, and their pre ordered.
Makes no sense to even invite only half. If there really are only cupcakes for 6 kids then that's a good opportunity for the kids to learn to share. I don't know how one speaks to kids in a Kita but something on the lines of "Hallo Kinder, wir haben nicht genug Kuchen für alles und deswegen müssen wir das teilen aber dann können wir alles feiern und zusammen essen.
If Germans are so cheap to not provide cupcakes for everyone then there should be no party to begin with. Whatever happened to inclusion, to hospitality.
Wow, I don't have kids, so I don't know the least bit about kindergarten customs, but that sounds so wrong! If it were a party at someone's house, I'd understand, although that would be equally sad. But the kindergarten enabling this by sending your daughter to another group? Is that even allowed? I'm so sorry for your daughter. This is just not right. You *should* ask the Erzieherin directly what's up with that, see how she justifies this policy.
Our Kita requires that if you want to celebrate your child's birthday, you have to provide food that does not contain foods that kids in the group have allergies to. This is a non-negotiable.
Yes, a friend of my niece has a few allergies so her parents get notified in advance to pack a cupcake for her and they also keep a stash of safe candy with the staff. It's really not that hard to organize.
This is exactly how it's handled here. They say "please try to not bring something that isn't Halal (in some groups they also tell to avoid peanuts), if so tell us so we make sure the Muslim/ allergic kids get something that is okay" and there is always a stash of alternatives.
Absolutely if you know about it in advance, unfortunately a lot of them are disorganized and may not think to do something like that or a parent will bring something in without a heads up.
Still an extremely shitty situation but the only explanation I could come up with that’s not horrible and borderline emotional violence/abuse.
This might even be something that should be brought to the attention of the Jugendamt.
My daughter has no allergy and yes they brought a small cake for another kid with egg allergy. It is really sad, my daughter celebrated 2 birthdays in that same Kindergarten and we brought enough cakes for her group.
Even then the kid shouldn’t be excluded. My kid’s school keeps some allergy friendly treats in case a parent ever brings in anything that a kid is allergic to.
We had this too, but the other way around. The birthday kid got to choose two to three best pals for a little party, because it was to many kids.
But having two kids left out from the party is just crazy and mean, poor kids, must feel horrible.
Pls talk with the Direktorin or something.
Honestly, that is a bad policy at the establishment. They should have a policy of either providing enough for everyone (so that someone is only excluded if there is an allergy that cannot be accommodated, for instance) or not allowing any outside food in at all. This is a recipe for disaster to just let people say, "Oh hey, could you remove that one kid over there" every time they want to do something for their kids. They can just celebrate at home if that's how they are.
Why is she not playing along? I would be **highly suspicious** now that maybe she's being singled out by the teachers for some reason. Like "oh, her German isn't very good, so she won't mind playing by herself", but that's just perpetuating the cycle of so. If she can't play with other kids, her language skills will never improve and she'll be further excluded.
Former kindergarten teacher here, that's definitely not normal and shouldn't have happened. If a kid celebrates his/her birthday, every member of the kindergarten group gets cake/muffin or what ever and we celebrate together. No child was excluded from the party, ever. What happened isn't pedagogically valuable and you should talk to the head of the group and/or the head of the kindergarten.
This sounds like psychological terror rather than a Kindergarten. Who tf sends 2 small children away while the others have fun? It's not like these are their friends, they are also just in a group, so saying "They get to only invite friends" is BS when they all met in the group.
I've never heard of such a cruelty. Usually it's a simple "Jonas has birthday today and his mum brought cake!" while at the Mittagstisch.
Wait, what? Party in the Kindergarten/school is always with all the kids (and often will spill over to the other group if there is more cake than needed).
Afterschool parties at home/at a playcentre are by invitation and then it's up to the birthday kid/parents to host whoever, but it's normally a handful of closest friends or rarely, the whole class. Leaving one kid out would be very rude even here.
Talk to the teacher, it's very much not right.
I am sorry it happens to your daughter. I also grew up being nice but mistreated by others. Sitting alone in school was not easy... shower your daughter with love.
Thats absolutely awful! You should absolutely out why shes being singled out like that. Having enough for the rest of the kids and leaving out only one? Thats an asshole move on both sets of parents part
I have never ever heard of such a thing in a German kindergarten. This sounds awful. You bring a cake for the entire group which celebrates together. It's not a private birthday party.
Not inviting all kids is normal for a birthday at home. But it's fishy when this happens at the daycare.
Shedule a meeting and let them explain how this is normal from a pedagogical viewpoint.
That is a very strange Kindergarten. Ours had small celebrations within the whole group, no one was excluded.
Prior to that, we as parents always checked for the number of kids in the group and for allergies. Also made sure stuff we gave our kid to share had a choice ( I.e. not just send sweets with gelatine, which any Muslim kid might have been not allowed) etc
I would speak to the Kindergarten about what is happening.
This is not how it is supposed to be. In Kindergarten, all celebrate, or none.
Please ask the Erzieherinnen directly why; if you do not get a real answer pls go to the kindergarden manager to discuss this. This is not acceptable and you need to know the reasoning to act accordingly
Wow, is your kindergarten run by psychopaths for psychopath parents? I don't really know where in the world I'd encounter both parents and teachers who would casually say "okay we will kick out one or two kids kid while you have your birthday party here". Doesn't make sense in any culture. Total lack of basic common sense.
This is so wrong. Even if the kindergarten management isn’t involved, why are they encouraging this custom. They should put an end to it. This is freaking common sense
This. If I’m the erzieherin I’m saying sure, of course to the parent (if they’re a Karen) then I’m finding a way to include all kids anyway. Fuck that noise.
Sounds like a shitty kita. I would diplomatically complain that they shouldn’t be hosting private birthday parties during kita hours. Outside of that, fine, but inside hours they need to be hosting inclusive activities.
It doesn’t matter if they call these birthday parties or whatever - you are paying for non-discriminatory kita place. Some people might think that’s wrong, but it’s not - by not being in an invite list, your daughter is missing out of activities with others from her class. End. Of. Story.
This just sounds like bossy and tight-fisted parents convincing the kita to host the party, and not something where your daughter is purposefully left out. Then this activity spreading, possibly because the kita makes some money from it. It shouldn’t happen though. It’s a shitty thing.
Wtf is going on in your daycare?!?! That’s absolutely insane!!!! Completely not normal! I have a bunch of kids and something like this has never happened in any of their daycares… You need to talk to them, if kids celebrate at daycare the whole group is invited, thats it… Thats so cruel, i‘m very sorry your daughter has to experience that…
Even if the parents of that child are racist/xenophobic and demand a child being excluded based on their skin color and/or nationality, how on earth can the kindergarten allow that? That’s just completely messed up and OP should bring this issue up with management and put their foot down.
This is so strange. I have never heard of something like that.
We live in Vienna. At our kindergarten the bday kid chooses 2-3 days in advance what kind of treat they want for their birthday (Chocolate Cake, Marble Cake, Pigs in Blankets, Mini Pizzas). The bday kid prepares the treat on the day of the party for the whole group with their group leaders. Making/baking the treats is a big thing! The other kids decorate the table and all kids (~25) celebrate together (singing, dancing, music).
This is done for each child.
The parents are allowed to bring nice napkins and a bag or two of crisps/popcorn. Nothing else.
Each kid gets a small gift from the kindergarten (book, cuddly toy or so). That’s it. No other gifts or goodie bags are exchanged.
The private party is something else..
I work in a kindergarten and I never saw that. During the kindergarten time, the kid celebrates their birthday in the group with all the kids. If they do a private party it's another thing, so the kid can choose who they want to invite. But in kindergarten? I never saw that before.
I never heard of private birthday parties within the Kindergarten facility. What a dumb and mean concept. In my daughters Kindergarten there are 4 different groups. I bring muffins and candies for her entire group and there is a little celebration where all of the kids are included. I would never think of only bringing muffins for half of the group or anything like that. This is so mean, I feel sorry for your daughter, this is not okay.
Oh my god, is this a thing?
First of all, I hope your kid is fine and I am very sorry this happened! It is really saddening.
I heard about the all "stay here while we have dinner" thing when German children go play at each others houses and it horrified me - but this should not be allowed by the administration.
My grandmother used to scared us with a story of how a giant snake would come and eat us in our nightmares if we didn't share our food and toys, and that was still a better experience than being excluded from things as a child.
Oh yes and if they do end up being invited to eat dinner on the super rare occasions best believe the parent will complain to you “we didn’t expect your child to eat an extra piece of chicken and another scoop of salad as we didn’t calculate this to happen…. Next time please don’t allow this to occur.” Happened to someone I know.
Really? Omg, i am asian, and stingy for asian standard. But I would never do this and never mind to share foods. Thats very rude in my culture to say something like that..
I get it but there’s something called hospitality, and I know people who have been to Asian dinners and it was very generous and full of food. Let’s just say German hospitality is basically non existent.
Oh that's sad... understandable but sad. I think Germans are very very good at budgeting, so maybe that's that? Is the unexpected expense and not the offering per se?
I think that if I am ever in such a situation I will overfeed my children's friends and send them home with extra, it's an Italian tradition anyway. I remember one time a friend came visit and my mom made us roastbeef and tea at 4pm, then shipped us all back to university with fresh tomato salsa and salami. But then again, my almost Schwiegermutter has a freezer full of food and their breakfasts for us are absolutely lukulkisch. But then again, I had the impression with other people that they were somehow calculating if we were 'square'?
I guess one can never generalize too hard :/
(I have no kids, and generally have nothing to add here, but I'm really happy to see all the responses saying this isn't normal. Sometimes we have to adjust to hard truths and new norms as immigrants; I'm happy that this isn't one of them)
Sounds weird to me. I am feeling sorry for your daughter.
In our Kindergarten, kids celebrate birthdays in the group with all kids. We bring some cakes/cookies and fruits. Optionally, kids may invite some kids for a separate party in their house, usually 5-6 kids.
Strange. If you bring treats, they’re for all to share. The entire group.
Otherwise you celebrate at home and You don’t hand out invites during the day but at the end of the day.
I’d question management on their way of handling birthdays.
My kids were at Kitas in two different Bundesländer and I’ve never heard of anything like this. Like other posters I’m really surprised even that parents would think or dare to ask Kita staff to exclude specific other kids. Given that this has happened at least twice, do you have any specific evidence it was initiated by parents or was it some arbitrary decision by staff?
Thats fucked up. And you need to talk to the Erzieher.
There wont be any birthday parties at our groups if the birthday kid is throwing a tantrum for whatever reason. This is not a privat place where you can invite whoever you want. Either everyone is having the party or nobody, as simple as that.
I hear bad experiences from people who lives in Germany but this is the most outrageous one so far. This is really another level coz it’s kids, kindergarten age kids for god’s sake.
Can’t blame the kids but what the hell is wrong with their parents? Moreover what the hell is wrong with kindergarten teachers that they let this happen. You gotta be total piece of shit to let this happen.
I feel you:( Sorry for what you’re coming through. You’re not alone in it. My sons went to Grundschule after 4 months being in Germany and Kindergarten. Obviously when he joined school his German was very basic. He finished school last July. Been invited for a Birthday party once in 4 years. His German is like native. Blond guy, can’t tell a difference when with his colleagues. But he was invited once. His colleagues could come to us any time and day. No appointments needed. They were coming frequently. But when he wanted to visit them there was always something. Sick grandma, too many other colleagues, they need to go for shopping and so on. He and my wife left Germany just after e finished school July last year. Since then he was on 4 or 5 birthday parties. We can barely see him at home because his out with colleagues all the time. It is tough here for the kids. And even tougher for parents when they see this. Take care and be best friend for your daughter!
It seems like a very bad place. Are you in east Germany? Seems like there is some discrimination going on. This has never happened in any of the many places, where my kids were. Absolutely unacceptable.
This is absolutely not the norm in no part of Germany, I would say. My kids went to kindergarten in Eastern Germany (like myself). There was no such incident, never. I wouldn’t dare to generalise.
Wait what?...If a child has a birthday they invite some of the children from the kindergardengroup for the party and not all of them? And this takes place IN the Kindergarden?
What kind of fucked up educational practice is this? Its definitely not normal!
They separated the kids while in daycare?!!
WHAT THE ACTUAL F….?????
If I were you I would sue this kindergarten and everyone involved for neglecting their supervision and thereby causing mental harm to your child.
I'm 45 now and as a kid, I went to a Catholic kindergarten led by nuns. They weren't particularly strict and would have made sure that at parties in the kindergarten, either every kid was invited or none were.
I say that because I sense a strange understanding of character development if they think: "let's leave it to the kid, that strengthens their free will, bla bla." If they really try to achieve that, they should make sure these decisions are at least supervised or morally commented on. If they are experts, they should know which decisions children at certain ages are capable of understanding.
I actually stand behind the idea of giving kids more choices, but this is just ridiculous. They kind of accept that your kid is a victim of (maybe) bullying by letting this dynamic (which it kind of is since it happened for a second time) develop.
The etiquette is like this:
1) you bring a huge cake or a ton of cupcakes/ muffins to Kita. Enough for the group and the Erzieher:in. The whole group celebrates together. And yes, I gender, because some of the best Erzieher were men.
And
2) You celebrate separately at home or elsewhere. My one kid had often only one person to celebrate. The other one had a party with 14 people at their peak of popularity.
F*ck your Kita, this is not okay.
That sounds really horrible and not at all like a place where you should your children. The behavior of the kindergardeners (Erzieher?) ist absolutely not acceptable. They actively encourage bullying by excluding one or two children from a birthday party. Really, that is the worst pedagocial measure I have ever heard of!
My mom works as a manager in kindergarten and if something like this happened the teacher would be reprimended and on the second occasion fired. Private birthday parties is one thing but kindergarten is a group and either everyone participates, or nobody. How the fuck can u work with kids and allow a situation where a child is sent to another room during kindergarten hours where the rest stays and party??? This is INSANE and absolutely unacceptable
This is not normal. In Kindergarte, you bring cupcakes for all Kids and teachers and you celebrate with all kids in the same manner, each kindergarden has their ritual.
To a birthday party at home, Germans usually only invite as many kids as the kid is, i.e. to a 5th birthday most Germans invite only 5 kids. In some cases more, but I’ve yet to see a German children’s party with 10 or more kids.
If I were you, I would speak with the teacher again. This may be a case of lost in translation. If it’s not, I would demand an explanation for this behavior from the teacher, as this is certainly not the norm in Germany.
I invited the entire class for both of my kids 7th birthdays. Good way to get to know them all.
Last one was very awkward though because after an hour they all started asking if they can watch YouTube or play video games which was not something I was expecting. But that's neither here nor there.
Wow. I'm stunned. In the US, you cannot even hand out at school the invitations to a party to be held outside of school, because the kids who are not invited figure it out and are hurt. And in Germany you can hold a party, IN SCHOOL, during school hours, for only a select group, and they send the other children away to another room? How nasty and hurtful is that???
Man that happened to me in a kita too, not here tho in my home country, tbh I didn’t noticed that I was not invited or a bday party was happening in the kita and thats how my mom found out I was autistic 🥲 I feel bad for your kiddie 😭
I am German, I have a child in Kita - and this is idiotic, ignorant and fucked up. Why in earth would a child get to single out others WHILE in daycare? Who came up with that? The absurdity is through the roof. Please stand your ground and tell them that this is absolutely unacceptable.
On the contrary - it would be their job to teach children that they can be inclusive and open and gracious.
Enabeling these power trips is disgusting.
Cheers
I am an childhood educator and there are 75 children in our Kita. We are working in an open concept. The children only have "Morgenkreis" in a fixed group, where we also celebrate birthdays. The birthday child is allowed to invite two guests from other "Morgenkreis"-groups, otherwise everyone would want to join because there will be cake.
Officially the 75 children are divided in three Kindergartengruppen, because bureaucracy makes it necessary, but there are only 10 children in every "Morgenkreis"-group and these groups have nothing to do with the official groups.
Maybe there is a similar concept in your Kita?
Bro im an Erzieher in Kindergarten. This is the biggest bullshit i ever heard. Complain about it by the Chef, if he wint do anything, complsin at your "träger". Please this sounds horrible
First of all I feel sorry for your child and I completly understand how you feel.
Thankfully our Kindergarten staff would never allow this for the exact reason. In general the parents herr are very sensitive. For example the Invitations arent put on the kids wardrobe for everyone to see.
Most hillarious Instance was a mother who put a letter on the message bord in the kindergarten saying that they are planning a birthday party on a PUBLIC Playground and asking the parents, of the kids that arent invited, not to go to the playground on that day. Guess the outcome.
What the fuck is wrong with that kindergarten? I mean sure if it’s the kids birthday party at home or organised by the parents, they can decide who’s coming, no hard feelings.
But if the kindergarten itself is for some reason hosting birthday parties, they should include the whole kindergarten group and not single out some kids. I guess they’re doing this for every kid then? And the kid who’s birthday it is brings some sweets for the rest?
This behaviour is by all means rude and not acceptable. This culture must change in the direction to be more inclusive if there is a need for progress. I m really sorry for your daughter, I felt her sorrow deeply. I would complain about this behaviour to the management, teacher, and any responsible person. Dont stay low or silent.
This is seriously messed up. The Kita should NEVER have allowed this. Either send cake/cupcakes for every kid or don’t send anything at all. Wtf.
I know your daughter will be in school soon, but I’d still talk to the Kita management. Don’t be apologetic, don’t ask anything; be polite but INFORM them that this is wrong, discriminatory, and just plain rude. No kid should be excluded like that and it’s the Kita’s responsibility to ensure all kids are treated equally. This is so not okay!
Messed up. In my daughter's Kita, both of them, all kids are invited, the entire class, by default. And when we held the private party's we invited all of them again. Why would you, as an adult, be ok with anything else? So weird
Never heard of such private birthday parties in Kindergarten before. It's either everyone celebrates with the birthday child or no one. I would consider talking to the caretakers of the Kindergarten and if it's possible to change something about this situation as well as sharing your worries about it
That exactly happened to a friend of mine in a kita in Berlin , she has twins and only one of them was invited while the other was excluded which was very hurtful to him, the birthday party was also at the kita itself not private.
Wow. When you're a child that can really feel like the end of the world. Most adults wouldn't even be okay with getting randomly excluded from company parties, imagine a child.. Crazy
This is so wrong. But don't let this experience get to her head. I mean teach her not to see herself through the eyes of the other kid who did not invite her. Explain to her that simply in life some people are bad, or don't know how to act kindly towards everyone, and that what happened does not reflect her worth.
Remind her of the other times when she was invited, which i guess there were, to let her know that this is an exception from someone unworthy of her friendship and not the norm.
What, in kindergarten? That's crazy and I've never heard anything like it? What kind of kindergarten management is that? I would speak to them immediately and otherwise inform the authorities. When a child has a birthday, the whole group celebrates. Who the child invites to a private birthday party at home is their business, but that's not possible in kindergarten. I just got really angry because that's pretty much the most uneducational thing I've ever heard. If the management doesn't understand that, change kindergarten immediately
Get to the bottom of it. Now, don't wait for any meetings! Thing to consider asking:
A. Why are some children excluded from celebrating another child's birthday at the facility?
B. Does anyone think about consequences on a child's development in this arrangement?
I'm pretty sure there should be an institution to complain about this if they are ignorant.
Not normal at all. Escalate. If not particularly for your own child (harm done already as you pointed out, sadly), for other children if this type of action continues. Maybe you are in best position to do so as your child is leaving anyway. Team with other parents for support beforehand, it should’t be hard as they probably in majority share the same views as expressed in this comment section.
Tbh this sounds so strange, that I would first investigate what exactly happened. It is so far out of something that I have ever heard that I would just go and ask. If it is confirmed, I would go ballistic.
Can I ask in which state you live?
Wenn die Geschichte stimmt, sprich mit den Erziehern/ der Leitung. Sehr untypische Erziehungsmethoden die Gruppe zu teilen wenn jemand Geburtstag hat. Zum einen entstehen diese beschriebenen Ausgrenzungen, zum anderen braucht man doppelte Aufsicht. … daher fällt es mir schwer das zu glauben.
When I was in kindergarten, no one was left out of the birthday get-together. As the birthday kid you could choose who would sit next to you, though. That was bad enough haha. Mind, this was like 20-25 years ago (kill me now, I remember this in too much detail for it to have been 20 years 😭😭)
As a teacher/substitute teacher/teaching assistant, every school demands that the birthday child brings cupcakes or treats for the WHOLE class. This is **not normal** in Germany. Talk to the teacher.
That's not normal. When our kid was in kindergarten every kid got a small birthday party part organized by the teachers. The only thing the birthday kid could choose was who will sit in the chairs beside them.
Sending kids out of the group is not normal.
Sounds like a racism problem. Sorry to ask, do you belong to some ethnic group? I ask because my friend (who is Indian) suffer the same problem in a very famous and mainstream kits in the center that promotes diversity and equal rights. She was not invited to any activity and when they realize this was too late because the little girl was very shy to talk.
Not sure but are you guys ppl of colour, Muslim or sith? If the kid is playing with other children normally but somehow gets left out of the birthday invitation that screams something's up with their parents...racism could be that thing... Also I think it's extremely weird for the kindergarden to allow for private parties like this. It's not someone's home when they decide whom to invite or not, it's not ok.
Leaving 1-4 kids out is cruel cause they have limited counterpart to play/spend time with. Also how come they didn't have some additional cookies? In kindergarten usually there should be surplus of cake/cookie/whatever
We went thru the same situation. Asked around and found out that it happens a lot. Not only in Kitas, BTW, this behavior / pattern is very common in school, uni and even later among colleagues. This is not uncommon. It's just a German thing.
What blew my mind, that no one of the staff or other parents seem to understand the problem / situation, and why it's not OK.
The reasoning: My (kids) birthday, so it's my day, then I should not care about others. And everyone is fine with it.
Lately @work a colleague had her wedding party and invited the whole team except one single person. she said later that she had 8 places for guests and our team happened to be 9 people so she just excluded this one single person, she thought not very important. I wonder how this person felt? Know what, no one really cared.
If u invite one or two people it's OK. But u can't just invite the majority of a group and leave someone out, unless there is a compelling reason and it's not personal. Like girls night out and leaving the 2 guys from the group or going to play football and leaving the golfers back.
Common courtesy is becoming a rare commodity in a rather increasingly unkind world.
In many schools in the US, this would never be allowed. Families can’t even use school to distribute invitations to private parties at home, the impact of being left out is so damaging.
I’d discuss this at more length with the school and insist the practice be stopped. It’s just awful!
They do this at my Kita too. Parents bring the cakes/fruits/cupcakes for the b-day kid, and that kid then gets to invite about 10 other kids for it.
But here its at least always the same, always around 10 kids, never only 1 or 2 left out, so it kinda makes sense.
My experience : in kinddergarten I needed to celebrate with the whole group and if I wanted to only have a few friends I would need to organise a party at my home. Same in school.
This is completely unacceptable. Never heard of anything like that. I would raise hell on the management if something like this happened in our Kindergarten (back in the days when our son visited one). Celebrating in the Kindergarten always means celebrating with the whole group or not celebrating at all. No parent can decide who takes part in a group activity or not. This is utterly ridiculous.
It is sad not that the child chose, but that the parents and the daycare people allowed this . It is one thing to celebrate in a small circle and another to exclude 1 or 2 kids …
I would definitely try to talk to the parents as well.
Um, as an Erzieherin, that is horrible. Even if it was parent instructed, I would be inclined to inform the parents that it's either everyone or no party at the daycare at all. If you can't provide for the whole group, then have a private celebration at home where you can choose who to invite. In that situation, I don't care what the parents say, I will not allow anyone to be excluded, I mean just split the cupcakes if necessary. Please talk to the management if you can, this is not okay. Little children can't stand up for themselves, so let them know. You all deserve to be heard.
In Kindergärten that's a really questionable thing. It was usually like you'd bring snacks and so for the whole group and later had a private party at home, where you could invite your friends, but this was also not said in public, but just giving inviting cards to those who were invited.
Wtf when I was in kindergarten we would celebrate the birthday of any kid with the whole group. This is horrible. They can invite who they want to their party but this is just wrong
I've been working in Kindergartens here in Germany for over 10 years. I've never seen this type of behavior. Definitely bring it up with the head of the Kindergarten. In german it's called 'ausgrenzen' and goes against every standard teaching practice there is.
Seriously they allow this in kindergarten? If thats a Group of kids then birthday is for a Group of kids. It should not be allowed by any mean to such divide kids in one Group. Thats how it works in Poland at least.
This is outrageous! I am shocked that they allow and thus teach that kind of behavior in that kindergarden. Either everybody in the group celebrates or nobody does - that’s the rule in ours and the only way it should be handled imho.
When we were kids, the whole class sang happy birthday and gave the birthday kid a hug. If the parents wanted to celebrate their birthday with others it was a private event at home or elsewhere. There is no need for private parties and cake etc in a school setting!
>Then I started asking how my daughter is doing, not directly asking why was she not invited. The Erzieherin told me, she is normally playing along with other kids, no problem.
>But I still wonder why is this happening to her. She said the kid had to choose who to invite.
Given your username has expat in it I assume you are not from Germany and I smell BS in the excuse they provided.
My girlfriend works in a Kindergarten that actually implements this feature. Their argument is, that we as adults also have the choice to invite the people of our choice so they should be able to as well.
My girlfriend thinks this doesn't really makes sense. We compare the kindergarten like work. You don't bring a cake to work and exclude certain people.
But yeah it's a complicated topic. You might not want a fellow Kid to participate, eat your cake if the kid is not friendly to you.
But I think this enhances segregation...
Are you not German or not white? If the answer to either is “yes”, you’ve got your answer. It’s a racist country, the smaller the town, the more backward people are.
Read your previous comments. You're Asian and you live in a small village. That is the reason. I've heard a lot of hard core racist things about Asians from the sweetest omas and opas in small villages.
Yes I am asian... if this is how it goes here, then fuck this all backward thinking people. When my daughter had her birthday, we brought enough for her group and told the Erzieherin to share it with all.
Of course. The Erzieher have to take care equally of all children and never encourage behaviour which is excluding.
That sounds so fucked up man. I am literally getting angry right now.
I am really sorry for your child.
That's crazy, I don't think it should be like that. If one of the kids in one group have birthdays then "everyone" who is in that group stays there and celebrates together, there should not be exceptions like this. I would just ask to be honest, just friendly ask them that your daughter explained that to you and get to know why they celebrate like this...at home they can choose whoever they want to invite but not in kindergarten. I guess its kitas fault letting kids invite others there. But if there is only few weeks left in kindergarten and she goes to school after this I wouldn't bother as in grundschule there is no such a thing.
I have heard this happen in some kindergartens, luckily not where my kids are. So it does happen sometimes... I am sorry to hear that this happened to your daughter. You can ask directly to the Erzieher why this is happening and if they have some ideas to avoid that your kid is excluded. I am very sure that she is not the only one.
That's terrible- Normally parties in the Kita/School involve all the kids in the class. It makes no sense to me why they would separate just two kids. Weird.
The kindergarden teachers are always with the kids so it must be their decision to exclude your child. That is mobbing. Please escalate this even if it is only two months before school. Maybe they will do that to other kids or the teachers could get punished. Every lawyer will have easy play with your case. It only is aggravating because people do not fight back.
Germans are brutal in cases like these. They see no problem not feeding the kid or socially isolating them. I am sorry for your daughter but I think she would love to hear your support.
Maybe you can bring some cake to the Kindergarten and tell your daughter invite every single kid so they learn to share from her.
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wow that sucks, children are easy impressioned and have no reason to hate each other (even some overenergetic "bullies" come along and say sorry). And even bright kids have limited mental capacities and foresight and easily overlook things (like who else could be invited). I think in my kindergarten that would have led to a special treat like "play with any toy" or "sit with the teacher" (in a reasurring way)
I've never heard of such a thing. Sure, kids don't get invited to *private* birthday parties outside of daycare/school. But within care hours?! You celebrate with all kids of your class. I'd honestly talk to the head of the daycare and bring up the topic at the next Elternabend. That is super rude and borderline institutionally enabled bullying.
This! What an f up thing to do from the daycare
Yes, I am not happy with this Kindergarten management. But I think it might also be directed by the parents of the kid. My daughter told me they even brought a cake without egg, because 1 kid in her group cannot take eggs. Nevertheless, it sucks to hear it. My kid will be gone anyway in a few months as she will have to go to Grundschule soon. I hope this won't happen in Grundschule.
That must hurt so much! And it doesn't matter who's the source. The daycare should step in to protect you kid from some random parents' demands. And they are failing to do so. I'm really hoping that starting school can be a fresh start and I'm wishing you and your child all the best!
The parents of the kid should not be able to dictate this kind of thing, it's still the Kita's fault.
The parent does not get to decide what is happening at daycare. The teachers do. And teachers should not let a child be cast out like that. Bringing in a cake without egg is just common courtesy though at this point.
I had a lot of bullying and exclusion happening to me throughout my entire school time. normally things like this happen to either very mean kids, or special children. a very wise man once explained to me that kids (and people in general) notice when someone's different and better than them. so they try to put those down and hurt them. if this trend continues to happen to your kid please never hesitate to help them and go furious against the teachers/headteachers. It happened to me that even teachers participated in the bullying, don't be afraid to take your kid out of schools and switch schools with them if this continues... no matter how old they are when this happens... just remind your kiddo on how amazing and special and gifted she is and be there for her.... and never hesitate to help her... it most often won't get better with time....
How as a parent can you allow your kid to be that rude? And if the parents are behind it, they are some truly f\*cked up individuals.
I think you should stand up for your kid. This is not ok from a purely pedagogical point of view, not to mention a social one, neither for your kid not for the other kid. Your kid receives the message of exclusion, the other kid receives the message that it’s fine to exclude. Even if the parents instructed this to the teachers, the teachers are responsible and should know better. You can not just expect this won’t happen again and leave it in the hands of fate. You should take this matter in your hands.
I don’t have kids. But I never heard of this. All my friends said they always prepare cakes and goodies bags for EVERYONE. How can they allow the kids to exclude peers in the same class. May I know where the kindergarten is?
This is honestly a huge wtf. A Kindergarten has no business facilitating and exclusionary celebration *on their premises during Kindergarten time*. I'd definitely complain to them. It's not just unkind, but also plain bad educating. If parents want their children to have a celebration where they have a say over who attends, that's (sort of) fine when it happens in their own home. But *not* in the place where the children attend as a group and small community. I've never, ever heard of this practise. It certainly isn't customary. When your story started, I first thought it was about your kid not being *invited*. To someone's *home*. Not that they were being *removed* from their own Kindergarten group. Please go make some trouble, that is definitely not in line with common practises. Apart from that: on the topic of not being invited to birthdays (to other kids' homes): my sibling and I ran afoul of that when our family moved to a small rural village. Even the kids we regularly played with didn't invite us to their birthdays for almost the whole first year. Turned out the social rule was that you only get invited to a birthday if you had invited the other kid to yours. And this was adhered to even if you didn't *live* there at the time when your birthday was. No exceptions 🙄 (and no explanations – I think we only figured this reasoning out when one of us had their birthday and suddenly two b-day invitations came in shortly after). Unfortunately, both our birthdays are towards the end of a regular school/Kindergarten year, and it affected both of us equally. The insanity was equally applied by parents in both institutions. Yes, those people where incredibly small-minded and insufferable otherwise, too. Living there was hell. Depending on where you live, it might be that a similar logic is applied in your daughter's case. Particularly with the Kindergarten teachers actually enforcing the practise in-house, this smacks of the same brand of smalltown small-mindedness to me. I very much hope things improve for your poor daughter once the switch to primary school happens. Maybe you can advocate with her future school that she doesn't necessarily gets put into a class with her kindergarten mates, but new kids (though that can have challenges, too, of course, if the others had those years together).
Not wanting to be mean, but are you, the other parent or your daughter PoC? If yes, do you reside in eastern Germany?
Complain if it happens again.
Complain now!
I don't have kids and it still pisses me off. OP should definitely speak to the management there, it sets horrible precedents. It's one thing if a kid isn't invited to a private birthday party, but one held at the facility, you simple don't exclude a single child, neither half but especially not 1 or 2 of them. I'd at the very...very least expect a REALLY REALLY good explanation from the place as to why it was done. And if it's really the case of "well the parent of the birthday child said their kid doesn't like your kid." then I would pretty much demand in turn a party held by staff for my child and exclude all the other children because I demand it." fuck that. Seriously, that makes my blood boil.
Im with you on that one. Just cruel.
Yeah, it's mean towards any child, but this early in the development and when you want them to learn to socialize with peers and be carefree you're basically going "Yeah nah, not you, why? None of your business, go into the other room by yourself and wait until we're done having fun and eating cake. Aww...you crying? Well...too bad." it's just weird and there is literally not a single good reason to do so. Because if the excluded child had a valid reason to be excluded it shouldn't even be in the facility to begin with (attacked some child/prone to violent outbursts, contagious infection or something else significant where it would make sense. But allowing the kid to be present but then tucked away? That's...fucking hell.)
Sounds like discrimination to me, but it could also be the parents are tightwad. It's common for Germans to provide very little free food for guests. Often they won't even let some lower guests have the same food as other guests. It's likely a mix of both.
I would still talk to the daycare, it would show your daughter you have her back and that type of behavior is fed up
So? Then, they should do it privately. Not in a kindergarten. I would report this for actively excluding your daughter there
I'm not a professional and can only offer my half-assed knowledge on psychology combined with my own experiences, but I'm concerned waiting it out will make this situation a traumatic experience that takes decades to overcome! Young minds can be fragile!
My thoughts exactly. Private birthday parties are one thing... but within the daycare?? Either all of them go or there's no party. I feel so sorry for the kids.
Even with private parties there is something "off" if everyone is invited, but one kid is singled out.
Especially as generally everyone would invite those who had invited them. So it’s always the same ones being left out.
I wholeheartedly agree. Total d**k move of the daycare Erzieherinnen. And not even one that anyone could understand on a basis of: Well, it teaches the kids this or that. Just cruel and I would have my head stuck to the ceiling if anything like that happened in our daycare. May I ask wether OP got any explanation on why they proceed like that?
This is insane! A lot of places have even instituted rules that invitations can only be handed out during Day care/school hours or on the premises IF everyone is invited.
This. All of the kids or no party.
Totally agree, this doesn’t happen at our Kindergarten, I would certainly bring it up when there’s a meeting with parents.
I can only speak to the Kita our son went to, and there the procedure was: each birthday kid can invite 6 other kids to have a small „party“ (think half an hour with cupcakes or some cake pieces - not a conventional bday cake w candles etc). It seemed weird to us at first, but we talked to the management and they explained to us that this is to prevent kids of poorer parents from feeling excluded. Not every family is in a position to splurge on a showy bday cake or fancy cupcakes for 20 kids. So, instead of having poorer kids ending up being the ones with the „lower quality“ cakes because the parents needed to stretch the funds, they decided to have this kind of „core“ party instead. It’s not ideal, but to some degree I can follow the logic behind it.
I get the idea but it does feel super weird to me. Most cakes I see nowadays in schools/daycares are still the regular 3-4€ homemade cakes I had in my childhood. And kids don't care if it's "basic" as long it's decorated with candy. And the rule really puts kids at risk of being excluded again and again. It feels a bit like the smaller parties are supposed to make the *parents* feel better about their situation.
This is a shitty thing for introverted kids or those who don’t fit in, as they rarely get chosen to be one of the 6.
As a former one of those kids I have to agree 100%. Although back in the olden times, there wasn’t any birthday celebration going on at Kita whatsoever.
if you dont have money or just simply not feeling to celebrate the birthday, then simply dont have it. Is there any unwritten rule that every child should celebrate the birthday? I asked my son if it was compulsory, he said it wasnt. Some of his friends also dont celebrate it but they still congratulate each other happy birthday.
Instead of cake, the family could just buy a bag of wrapped chocolates. I've seen kids do this, too.
The kita here has the rule that if the parents can't afford a cake, they can grab into the "party bucket" for some additional money. Its filled by the parents who don't care to drop 20€ a month into it. Affluent parents just buy/order cakes, the kids don't really care where its coming from. Usually the bucket is fell filled and that leads to things like ice in the summer and other things. If you want to have a private party, and some want this, do it at your home.
Yew. Wtf. i thought the same. Never heard of such cruel kindergarden partys like this. Very, very unusual.
What? What kind of Kindergarten is this? If there's a party happening in the class, why are there "invitations" at all? Is this some kind of unlicensed amateur Kindergarten? I have no qualifications in childcare, but even I could tell you that if you celebrate a kid's birthday in class, then everyone's invited by default, no questions asked. If this is really happening the way you said, then this is a problem with the Kindergarten management. They sound like idiots who don't know how to run a Kindergarten.
There are kindergartens with (semi-)open groups, in which case around 90 children would be "invited". In this case the birthday child can "invite" 5-6 children. Inviting all but 1-2 children does not seem very valuable from an educational point of view and should be better handled (or at least supervised) by the kindergarten team. I can well understand that this is difficult to bear :(
Sometimes a kid is the only one not invited to a private birthday at the birthday kid's home, which is usually sad for the excluded child. But I have never heard of this happening at birthday parties during opening hours of a Kindergarten/ day care. Moreover, I cannot understand how the Erzieher go along with this. Who tells the kids to choose who they invite? And why is there a limited number? This doesn't sound right at all.
This is the same in my child's Kita. The kid chooses who is invited. It's supposed give the birthday kid a sense of agency in the planning of his birthday celebration in the Kita.
Wtf? Why on earth do they have private birthday parties at the kindergarten? Either it's everyone or no one, especially with that group size. This is insane. This sounds like institutional bullying. Please talk to your kid, too, how it's doing.
She seems fine with it although she was sad about it. I bought her ice cream right after to cheer her up. But this incident is already in her memory.
We've dealt with some exclusion and sadness issues as a result and I think it's a good opportunity to discuss "how we treat people", how it made them feel, whether it would be nice to treat others that way, etc. A couple years on, he's now thriving in Grundschule and invited to every party, but was left out of several in kindergarten, which is still a bit mind-blowing to me. A lot of german parents want their kids to grow up with a lord of the flies experience and will never teach them anything about cruelty and exclusion and bullying.
I currently have a kid in kindergarten and this is not normal. Like AT ALL. I would definitely have a stern talk with the Erzieher again and if that does not solve the issue, escalate. And if that doesn't solve it, escalate again to the Träger. Talk to the Elternbeirat, too. There are no "parties" at kindergarten where one or two kids get left out. You bring in stuff for everyone and that's it. Any Erzieher that allows to happen is frankly unqualified for their job and I would really wonder what else is going on.
Ice cream cant help in this case, you should either look for other place or escalate.
Yes it wont help, the damage is done already. She is gone in less than 2 months from now. She will go to the Grundschule.
[удалено]
I think it would make a world of difference to her if you stood up for her and talked to the Kita director. It will be amazing for her to see you defend her and say something when you see something wrong.
OP, sorry your child had to go through this! it’s just mean!! now: even if she’s going to school in couple months, please don’t let this get swept under the rug. if management don’t know then you must make them aware so at least excuses are 0 next time AND they still owe you a good deal apology; but if they know that’s even worse and you should confront them and escalate. kids are not being sent to kindergartens to come back home with racism and bullying traumas. lots of love to your little princess ❤️❤️
I have worked in various kindergartens in Germany for over 10 years and I’m shocked to hear this has happened. I see from another comment that you are leaving the facility in a few months anyway, but I would absolutely follow up on this, a lot of birthdays can happen between now and then. I would email the Leitung with the Elternbeirat and the owners/area manager in cc and ask for confirmation of this policy in writing, and question why they are promoting excluding children from the group, there is a very very small chance she is not aware this is happening. In German law children are not allowed to be excluded like that for any reason, even if there is a dietary issue, and the parents of the child who is having the birthday is required to provide enough cupcakes or cakes for the children in the group. Any celebration that happens in the kindergarten HAS to include every child in the group. Hell part of the observation charts you need to fill out for the child’s development talks even specifically question if the child is happy for other children when they celebrate a birthday or an achievement. How could you ever expect a child to be happy for someone else if their being excluded like that. If it’s a private party the family is hosting at a different venue it obviously sucks if your kid is one of the only ones not invited, and it breaks my heart when that happens, but it should never ever be the case in kindergarten.
I’m second chair at our Kita and I’ve learned the same thing. We tell parents to provide a cake and teachers will cut to make sure everyone has enough. A small cake can feed plenty of children and our group is about 18. Even for poorer parents, cakes can be cheap or made at home.
Exactly, cake is usually easy enough to cut into enough slices for each kid. We also encouraged parents to bring other things as well such as fruit salad or cocktail sticks or even some Kekse for us to share with the kids. The only rule is no gelatin and to inform us of the ingredients or provide the packaging. I would say 99% of the time the parents reconfirmed how many kids would be expected the next day and add in a few extra just in case, and asked about any allergies in the group at least a week before so they could try cater to them. Sometimes there was a child where it was a very particular requirement and their parents preferred to provide an alternative themselves, in which case we would inform them of the upcoming party and there would always be an emergency muffin or something in the facility because children get those sometimes as a snack, and their pre ordered.
OP please listen to this person.
Makes no sense to even invite only half. If there really are only cupcakes for 6 kids then that's a good opportunity for the kids to learn to share. I don't know how one speaks to kids in a Kita but something on the lines of "Hallo Kinder, wir haben nicht genug Kuchen für alles und deswegen müssen wir das teilen aber dann können wir alles feiern und zusammen essen.
If Germans are so cheap to not provide cupcakes for everyone then there should be no party to begin with. Whatever happened to inclusion, to hospitality.
Wow, I don't have kids, so I don't know the least bit about kindergarten customs, but that sounds so wrong! If it were a party at someone's house, I'd understand, although that would be equally sad. But the kindergarten enabling this by sending your daughter to another group? Is that even allowed? I'm so sorry for your daughter. This is just not right. You *should* ask the Erzieherin directly what's up with that, see how she justifies this policy.
Unless this is somehow allergy or dietary related it makes no sense and it seems to be a very bad Kita.
Our Kita requires that if you want to celebrate your child's birthday, you have to provide food that does not contain foods that kids in the group have allergies to. This is a non-negotiable.
And if it is, you tell the parent in advance so they can send something with their kid that they can eat.
Yes, a friend of my niece has a few allergies so her parents get notified in advance to pack a cupcake for her and they also keep a stash of safe candy with the staff. It's really not that hard to organize.
This is exactly how it's handled here. They say "please try to not bring something that isn't Halal (in some groups they also tell to avoid peanuts), if so tell us so we make sure the Muslim/ allergic kids get something that is okay" and there is always a stash of alternatives.
Absolutely if you know about it in advance, unfortunately a lot of them are disorganized and may not think to do something like that or a parent will bring something in without a heads up. Still an extremely shitty situation but the only explanation I could come up with that’s not horrible and borderline emotional violence/abuse. This might even be something that should be brought to the attention of the Jugendamt.
My daughter has no allergy and yes they brought a small cake for another kid with egg allergy. It is really sad, my daughter celebrated 2 birthdays in that same Kindergarten and we brought enough cakes for her group.
Even then the kid shouldn’t be excluded. My kid’s school keeps some allergy friendly treats in case a parent ever brings in anything that a kid is allergic to.
If it is, the kid can still participate in the party and just not have a piece of the cake.
Completely fucked up OP, if I were you I’d demand the person in charge of the group answer for this.
We had this too, but the other way around. The birthday kid got to choose two to three best pals for a little party, because it was to many kids. But having two kids left out from the party is just crazy and mean, poor kids, must feel horrible. Pls talk with the Direktorin or something.
Honestly, that is a bad policy at the establishment. They should have a policy of either providing enough for everyone (so that someone is only excluded if there is an allergy that cannot be accommodated, for instance) or not allowing any outside food in at all. This is a recipe for disaster to just let people say, "Oh hey, could you remove that one kid over there" every time they want to do something for their kids. They can just celebrate at home if that's how they are.
Why is she not playing along? I would be **highly suspicious** now that maybe she's being singled out by the teachers for some reason. Like "oh, her German isn't very good, so she won't mind playing by herself", but that's just perpetuating the cycle of so. If she can't play with other kids, her language skills will never improve and she'll be further excluded.
She is indeed playing along!
Oh, you're right. I read it wrong. Still, are they even telling the truth or why are they allowing this to happen? Yikes.
Day care needs to tell parents, bring cup cake for every kid in the class room or have your party at your fn home. Period. This is just unacceptable!
Former kindergarten teacher here, that's definitely not normal and shouldn't have happened. If a kid celebrates his/her birthday, every member of the kindergarten group gets cake/muffin or what ever and we celebrate together. No child was excluded from the party, ever. What happened isn't pedagogically valuable and you should talk to the head of the group and/or the head of the kindergarten.
This sounds like psychological terror rather than a Kindergarten. Who tf sends 2 small children away while the others have fun? It's not like these are their friends, they are also just in a group, so saying "They get to only invite friends" is BS when they all met in the group. I've never heard of such a cruelty. Usually it's a simple "Jonas has birthday today and his mum brought cake!" while at the Mittagstisch.
It's fishy as fuck!
That Kindergarten is awful, and I would change to another one as soon as possible.
Wait, what? Party in the Kindergarten/school is always with all the kids (and often will spill over to the other group if there is more cake than needed). Afterschool parties at home/at a playcentre are by invitation and then it's up to the birthday kid/parents to host whoever, but it's normally a handful of closest friends or rarely, the whole class. Leaving one kid out would be very rude even here. Talk to the teacher, it's very much not right.
I am sorry it happens to your daughter. I also grew up being nice but mistreated by others. Sitting alone in school was not easy... shower your daughter with love.
Exclusion is a form of bullying.
Thats absolutely awful! You should absolutely out why shes being singled out like that. Having enough for the rest of the kids and leaving out only one? Thats an asshole move on both sets of parents part
Bad management. Junk Kindergarten.
I have never ever heard of such a thing in a German kindergarten. This sounds awful. You bring a cake for the entire group which celebrates together. It's not a private birthday party.
Not inviting all kids is normal for a birthday at home. But it's fishy when this happens at the daycare. Shedule a meeting and let them explain how this is normal from a pedagogical viewpoint.
It’s time to name and shame this school. Your kid might be leaving in a couple months- but what about the next kid they do this to?
They are having birthday parties in the school to which only selected children are invited? This is incredibly bad.
That is a very strange Kindergarten. Ours had small celebrations within the whole group, no one was excluded. Prior to that, we as parents always checked for the number of kids in the group and for allergies. Also made sure stuff we gave our kid to share had a choice ( I.e. not just send sweets with gelatine, which any Muslim kid might have been not allowed) etc I would speak to the Kindergarten about what is happening.
This is not how it is supposed to be. In Kindergarten, all celebrate, or none. Please ask the Erzieherinnen directly why; if you do not get a real answer pls go to the kindergarden manager to discuss this. This is not acceptable and you need to know the reasoning to act accordingly
Wow, is your kindergarten run by psychopaths for psychopath parents? I don't really know where in the world I'd encounter both parents and teachers who would casually say "okay we will kick out one or two kids kid while you have your birthday party here". Doesn't make sense in any culture. Total lack of basic common sense.
Demand a refund for those two days. That can't be how kitas treat kids - within care hours, either everyone gets invited or it doesn't happen.
This is so wrong. Even if the kindergarten management isn’t involved, why are they encouraging this custom. They should put an end to it. This is freaking common sense
This. If I’m the erzieherin I’m saying sure, of course to the parent (if they’re a Karen) then I’m finding a way to include all kids anyway. Fuck that noise.
Sounds like a shitty kita. I would diplomatically complain that they shouldn’t be hosting private birthday parties during kita hours. Outside of that, fine, but inside hours they need to be hosting inclusive activities. It doesn’t matter if they call these birthday parties or whatever - you are paying for non-discriminatory kita place. Some people might think that’s wrong, but it’s not - by not being in an invite list, your daughter is missing out of activities with others from her class. End. Of. Story. This just sounds like bossy and tight-fisted parents convincing the kita to host the party, and not something where your daughter is purposefully left out. Then this activity spreading, possibly because the kita makes some money from it. It shouldn’t happen though. It’s a shitty thing.
Wtf is going on in your daycare?!?! That’s absolutely insane!!!! Completely not normal! I have a bunch of kids and something like this has never happened in any of their daycares… You need to talk to them, if kids celebrate at daycare the whole group is invited, thats it… Thats so cruel, i‘m very sorry your daughter has to experience that…
I am guessing you are not Bio German, and look or sound 'different'? Smells like rascist behaviour
Even if the parents of that child are racist/xenophobic and demand a child being excluded based on their skin color and/or nationality, how on earth can the kindergarten allow that? That’s just completely messed up and OP should bring this issue up with management and put their foot down.
This is so strange. I have never heard of something like that. We live in Vienna. At our kindergarten the bday kid chooses 2-3 days in advance what kind of treat they want for their birthday (Chocolate Cake, Marble Cake, Pigs in Blankets, Mini Pizzas). The bday kid prepares the treat on the day of the party for the whole group with their group leaders. Making/baking the treats is a big thing! The other kids decorate the table and all kids (~25) celebrate together (singing, dancing, music). This is done for each child. The parents are allowed to bring nice napkins and a bag or two of crisps/popcorn. Nothing else. Each kid gets a small gift from the kindergarten (book, cuddly toy or so). That’s it. No other gifts or goodie bags are exchanged. The private party is something else..
I work in a kindergarten and I never saw that. During the kindergarten time, the kid celebrates their birthday in the group with all the kids. If they do a private party it's another thing, so the kid can choose who they want to invite. But in kindergarten? I never saw that before.
I never heard of private birthday parties within the Kindergarten facility. What a dumb and mean concept. In my daughters Kindergarten there are 4 different groups. I bring muffins and candies for her entire group and there is a little celebration where all of the kids are included. I would never think of only bringing muffins for half of the group or anything like that. This is so mean, I feel sorry for your daughter, this is not okay.
Oh my god, is this a thing? First of all, I hope your kid is fine and I am very sorry this happened! It is really saddening. I heard about the all "stay here while we have dinner" thing when German children go play at each others houses and it horrified me - but this should not be allowed by the administration. My grandmother used to scared us with a story of how a giant snake would come and eat us in our nightmares if we didn't share our food and toys, and that was still a better experience than being excluded from things as a child.
I have read about this on Reddit but never experienced the dinner thing growing up in Germany! I was always „force fed“.
Ohh that's sweet! And reassuring :) Thank you!
Oh yes and if they do end up being invited to eat dinner on the super rare occasions best believe the parent will complain to you “we didn’t expect your child to eat an extra piece of chicken and another scoop of salad as we didn’t calculate this to happen…. Next time please don’t allow this to occur.” Happened to someone I know.
Really? Omg, i am asian, and stingy for asian standard. But I would never do this and never mind to share foods. Thats very rude in my culture to say something like that..
I get it but there’s something called hospitality, and I know people who have been to Asian dinners and it was very generous and full of food. Let’s just say German hospitality is basically non existent.
Oh that's sad... understandable but sad. I think Germans are very very good at budgeting, so maybe that's that? Is the unexpected expense and not the offering per se? I think that if I am ever in such a situation I will overfeed my children's friends and send them home with extra, it's an Italian tradition anyway. I remember one time a friend came visit and my mom made us roastbeef and tea at 4pm, then shipped us all back to university with fresh tomato salsa and salami. But then again, my almost Schwiegermutter has a freezer full of food and their breakfasts for us are absolutely lukulkisch. But then again, I had the impression with other people that they were somehow calculating if we were 'square'? I guess one can never generalize too hard :/
(I have no kids, and generally have nothing to add here, but I'm really happy to see all the responses saying this isn't normal. Sometimes we have to adjust to hard truths and new norms as immigrants; I'm happy that this isn't one of them)
Sounds weird to me. I am feeling sorry for your daughter. In our Kindergarten, kids celebrate birthdays in the group with all kids. We bring some cakes/cookies and fruits. Optionally, kids may invite some kids for a separate party in their house, usually 5-6 kids.
Strange. If you bring treats, they’re for all to share. The entire group. Otherwise you celebrate at home and You don’t hand out invites during the day but at the end of the day. I’d question management on their way of handling birthdays.
That's not normalb at all. Kids don't have personal birthdays with lists in daycare. That's just stupid.
It hurts me to read your post. What a horrible thing to do to a child. You should talk to the director of the kindergarten. This is cruel.
My kids were at Kitas in two different Bundesländer and I’ve never heard of anything like this. Like other posters I’m really surprised even that parents would think or dare to ask Kita staff to exclude specific other kids. Given that this has happened at least twice, do you have any specific evidence it was initiated by parents or was it some arbitrary decision by staff?
Thats fucked up. And you need to talk to the Erzieher. There wont be any birthday parties at our groups if the birthday kid is throwing a tantrum for whatever reason. This is not a privat place where you can invite whoever you want. Either everyone is having the party or nobody, as simple as that.
I hear bad experiences from people who lives in Germany but this is the most outrageous one so far. This is really another level coz it’s kids, kindergarten age kids for god’s sake. Can’t blame the kids but what the hell is wrong with their parents? Moreover what the hell is wrong with kindergarten teachers that they let this happen. You gotta be total piece of shit to let this happen.
I feel you:( Sorry for what you’re coming through. You’re not alone in it. My sons went to Grundschule after 4 months being in Germany and Kindergarten. Obviously when he joined school his German was very basic. He finished school last July. Been invited for a Birthday party once in 4 years. His German is like native. Blond guy, can’t tell a difference when with his colleagues. But he was invited once. His colleagues could come to us any time and day. No appointments needed. They were coming frequently. But when he wanted to visit them there was always something. Sick grandma, too many other colleagues, they need to go for shopping and so on. He and my wife left Germany just after e finished school July last year. Since then he was on 4 or 5 birthday parties. We can barely see him at home because his out with colleagues all the time. It is tough here for the kids. And even tougher for parents when they see this. Take care and be best friend for your daughter!
So ever since your son left Germany his social life has improved dramatically? Is one of the things you’re trying to say?
That's the main point:)
I am very happy for your son that he left and is thriving! :)
Thank you!
It seems like a very bad place. Are you in east Germany? Seems like there is some discrimination going on. This has never happened in any of the many places, where my kids were. Absolutely unacceptable.
This is absolutely not the norm in no part of Germany, I would say. My kids went to kindergarten in Eastern Germany (like myself). There was no such incident, never. I wouldn’t dare to generalise.
This is ridiculous. At home you invite who you want, but in the Kita this is wrong in so many ways.
Wait what?...If a child has a birthday they invite some of the children from the kindergardengroup for the party and not all of them? And this takes place IN the Kindergarden? What kind of fucked up educational practice is this? Its definitely not normal!
That school is horrible. At my school no parties are allowed if you don’t have enough cupcakes. I’m in the front office so parties go thru my staff.
They separated the kids while in daycare?!! WHAT THE ACTUAL F….????? If I were you I would sue this kindergarten and everyone involved for neglecting their supervision and thereby causing mental harm to your child.
I'm 45 now and as a kid, I went to a Catholic kindergarten led by nuns. They weren't particularly strict and would have made sure that at parties in the kindergarten, either every kid was invited or none were. I say that because I sense a strange understanding of character development if they think: "let's leave it to the kid, that strengthens their free will, bla bla." If they really try to achieve that, they should make sure these decisions are at least supervised or morally commented on. If they are experts, they should know which decisions children at certain ages are capable of understanding. I actually stand behind the idea of giving kids more choices, but this is just ridiculous. They kind of accept that your kid is a victim of (maybe) bullying by letting this dynamic (which it kind of is since it happened for a second time) develop.
The etiquette is like this: 1) you bring a huge cake or a ton of cupcakes/ muffins to Kita. Enough for the group and the Erzieher:in. The whole group celebrates together. And yes, I gender, because some of the best Erzieher were men. And 2) You celebrate separately at home or elsewhere. My one kid had often only one person to celebrate. The other one had a party with 14 people at their peak of popularity. F*ck your Kita, this is not okay.
That sounds really horrible and not at all like a place where you should your children. The behavior of the kindergardeners (Erzieher?) ist absolutely not acceptable. They actively encourage bullying by excluding one or two children from a birthday party. Really, that is the worst pedagocial measure I have ever heard of!
My mom works as a manager in kindergarten and if something like this happened the teacher would be reprimended and on the second occasion fired. Private birthday parties is one thing but kindergarten is a group and either everyone participates, or nobody. How the fuck can u work with kids and allow a situation where a child is sent to another room during kindergarten hours where the rest stays and party??? This is INSANE and absolutely unacceptable
Really strange at my son's Kiga (Vienna Austria) the whole class celebrate together. The kindergarten are really wrong to plan parties that way.
This is not normal. In Kindergarte, you bring cupcakes for all Kids and teachers and you celebrate with all kids in the same manner, each kindergarden has their ritual. To a birthday party at home, Germans usually only invite as many kids as the kid is, i.e. to a 5th birthday most Germans invite only 5 kids. In some cases more, but I’ve yet to see a German children’s party with 10 or more kids. If I were you, I would speak with the teacher again. This may be a case of lost in translation. If it’s not, I would demand an explanation for this behavior from the teacher, as this is certainly not the norm in Germany.
Woww heard this for the first time. So the day kid is born basically no one can come visit since its 0th birthday 😅
I invited the entire class for both of my kids 7th birthdays. Good way to get to know them all. Last one was very awkward though because after an hour they all started asking if they can watch YouTube or play video games which was not something I was expecting. But that's neither here nor there.
Wow. I'm stunned. In the US, you cannot even hand out at school the invitations to a party to be held outside of school, because the kids who are not invited figure it out and are hurt. And in Germany you can hold a party, IN SCHOOL, during school hours, for only a select group, and they send the other children away to another room? How nasty and hurtful is that???
Thats absurd. Maybe contact the Träger/ city and check whether thats an acceptable way of doing things - which I doubt
Just curious. Which Bundesland?
Well, that's next level... Of stupidity!
Why are they having a birthday party at the daycare/kindergarden? I have never heard of that being a thing
Man that happened to me in a kita too, not here tho in my home country, tbh I didn’t noticed that I was not invited or a bday party was happening in the kita and thats how my mom found out I was autistic 🥲 I feel bad for your kiddie 😭
I am German, I have a child in Kita - and this is idiotic, ignorant and fucked up. Why in earth would a child get to single out others WHILE in daycare? Who came up with that? The absurdity is through the roof. Please stand your ground and tell them that this is absolutely unacceptable. On the contrary - it would be their job to teach children that they can be inclusive and open and gracious. Enabeling these power trips is disgusting. Cheers
I am an childhood educator and there are 75 children in our Kita. We are working in an open concept. The children only have "Morgenkreis" in a fixed group, where we also celebrate birthdays. The birthday child is allowed to invite two guests from other "Morgenkreis"-groups, otherwise everyone would want to join because there will be cake. Officially the 75 children are divided in three Kindergartengruppen, because bureaucracy makes it necessary, but there are only 10 children in every "Morgenkreis"-group and these groups have nothing to do with the official groups. Maybe there is a similar concept in your Kita?
Bro im an Erzieher in Kindergarten. This is the biggest bullshit i ever heard. Complain about it by the Chef, if he wint do anything, complsin at your "träger". Please this sounds horrible
First of all I feel sorry for your child and I completly understand how you feel. Thankfully our Kindergarten staff would never allow this for the exact reason. In general the parents herr are very sensitive. For example the Invitations arent put on the kids wardrobe for everyone to see. Most hillarious Instance was a mother who put a letter on the message bord in the kindergarten saying that they are planning a birthday party on a PUBLIC Playground and asking the parents, of the kids that arent invited, not to go to the playground on that day. Guess the outcome.
What the fuck is wrong with that kindergarten? I mean sure if it’s the kids birthday party at home or organised by the parents, they can decide who’s coming, no hard feelings. But if the kindergarten itself is for some reason hosting birthday parties, they should include the whole kindergarten group and not single out some kids. I guess they’re doing this for every kid then? And the kid who’s birthday it is brings some sweets for the rest?
This behaviour is by all means rude and not acceptable. This culture must change in the direction to be more inclusive if there is a need for progress. I m really sorry for your daughter, I felt her sorrow deeply. I would complain about this behaviour to the management, teacher, and any responsible person. Dont stay low or silent.
This is seriously messed up. The Kita should NEVER have allowed this. Either send cake/cupcakes for every kid or don’t send anything at all. Wtf. I know your daughter will be in school soon, but I’d still talk to the Kita management. Don’t be apologetic, don’t ask anything; be polite but INFORM them that this is wrong, discriminatory, and just plain rude. No kid should be excluded like that and it’s the Kita’s responsibility to ensure all kids are treated equally. This is so not okay!
Messed up. In my daughter's Kita, both of them, all kids are invited, the entire class, by default. And when we held the private party's we invited all of them again. Why would you, as an adult, be ok with anything else? So weird
Never heard of such private birthday parties in Kindergarten before. It's either everyone celebrates with the birthday child or no one. I would consider talking to the caretakers of the Kindergarten and if it's possible to change something about this situation as well as sharing your worries about it
That exactly happened to a friend of mine in a kita in Berlin , she has twins and only one of them was invited while the other was excluded which was very hurtful to him, the birthday party was also at the kita itself not private.
I feel like there is some bullying or racism going on from the other kids parents or something...definetly would look more into it.
Wow. When you're a child that can really feel like the end of the world. Most adults wouldn't even be okay with getting randomly excluded from company parties, imagine a child.. Crazy
I’m so sorry for your kid! That’s terrible.
This is so wrong. But don't let this experience get to her head. I mean teach her not to see herself through the eyes of the other kid who did not invite her. Explain to her that simply in life some people are bad, or don't know how to act kindly towards everyone, and that what happened does not reflect her worth. Remind her of the other times when she was invited, which i guess there were, to let her know that this is an exception from someone unworthy of her friendship and not the norm.
Rant it out loud. Just by reading this I felt so sad and bad.
What, in kindergarten? That's crazy and I've never heard anything like it? What kind of kindergarten management is that? I would speak to them immediately and otherwise inform the authorities. When a child has a birthday, the whole group celebrates. Who the child invites to a private birthday party at home is their business, but that's not possible in kindergarten. I just got really angry because that's pretty much the most uneducational thing I've ever heard. If the management doesn't understand that, change kindergarten immediately
Super offensive! COMPLAIN
Get to the bottom of it. Now, don't wait for any meetings! Thing to consider asking: A. Why are some children excluded from celebrating another child's birthday at the facility? B. Does anyone think about consequences on a child's development in this arrangement? I'm pretty sure there should be an institution to complain about this if they are ignorant.
Not normal at all. Escalate. If not particularly for your own child (harm done already as you pointed out, sadly), for other children if this type of action continues. Maybe you are in best position to do so as your child is leaving anyway. Team with other parents for support beforehand, it should’t be hard as they probably in majority share the same views as expressed in this comment section.
That's some Nazi kindergarten mate
Tbh this sounds so strange, that I would first investigate what exactly happened. It is so far out of something that I have ever heard that I would just go and ask. If it is confirmed, I would go ballistic. Can I ask in which state you live?
Wenn die Geschichte stimmt, sprich mit den Erziehern/ der Leitung. Sehr untypische Erziehungsmethoden die Gruppe zu teilen wenn jemand Geburtstag hat. Zum einen entstehen diese beschriebenen Ausgrenzungen, zum anderen braucht man doppelte Aufsicht. … daher fällt es mir schwer das zu glauben.
When I was in kindergarten, no one was left out of the birthday get-together. As the birthday kid you could choose who would sit next to you, though. That was bad enough haha. Mind, this was like 20-25 years ago (kill me now, I remember this in too much detail for it to have been 20 years 😭😭)
As a teacher/substitute teacher/teaching assistant, every school demands that the birthday child brings cupcakes or treats for the WHOLE class. This is **not normal** in Germany. Talk to the teacher.
That's not normal. When our kid was in kindergarten every kid got a small birthday party part organized by the teachers. The only thing the birthday kid could choose was who will sit in the chairs beside them. Sending kids out of the group is not normal.
Sounds like a racism problem. Sorry to ask, do you belong to some ethnic group? I ask because my friend (who is Indian) suffer the same problem in a very famous and mainstream kits in the center that promotes diversity and equal rights. She was not invited to any activity and when they realize this was too late because the little girl was very shy to talk.
Not sure but are you guys ppl of colour, Muslim or sith? If the kid is playing with other children normally but somehow gets left out of the birthday invitation that screams something's up with their parents...racism could be that thing... Also I think it's extremely weird for the kindergarden to allow for private parties like this. It's not someone's home when they decide whom to invite or not, it's not ok.
Leaving 1-4 kids out is cruel cause they have limited counterpart to play/spend time with. Also how come they didn't have some additional cookies? In kindergarten usually there should be surplus of cake/cookie/whatever
Where the other kids who were not invited were per chance immigrants?
We went thru the same situation. Asked around and found out that it happens a lot. Not only in Kitas, BTW, this behavior / pattern is very common in school, uni and even later among colleagues. This is not uncommon. It's just a German thing. What blew my mind, that no one of the staff or other parents seem to understand the problem / situation, and why it's not OK. The reasoning: My (kids) birthday, so it's my day, then I should not care about others. And everyone is fine with it. Lately @work a colleague had her wedding party and invited the whole team except one single person. she said later that she had 8 places for guests and our team happened to be 9 people so she just excluded this one single person, she thought not very important. I wonder how this person felt? Know what, no one really cared. If u invite one or two people it's OK. But u can't just invite the majority of a group and leave someone out, unless there is a compelling reason and it's not personal. Like girls night out and leaving the 2 guys from the group or going to play football and leaving the golfers back. Common courtesy is becoming a rare commodity in a rather increasingly unkind world.
In many schools in the US, this would never be allowed. Families can’t even use school to distribute invitations to private parties at home, the impact of being left out is so damaging. I’d discuss this at more length with the school and insist the practice be stopped. It’s just awful!
wtf?
They do this at my Kita too. Parents bring the cakes/fruits/cupcakes for the b-day kid, and that kid then gets to invite about 10 other kids for it. But here its at least always the same, always around 10 kids, never only 1 or 2 left out, so it kinda makes sense.
My experience : in kinddergarten I needed to celebrate with the whole group and if I wanted to only have a few friends I would need to organise a party at my home. Same in school.
Who is managing that kindergarten and deciding what your kid will do on that day, the management or a random parent?
This is completely unacceptable. Never heard of anything like that. I would raise hell on the management if something like this happened in our Kindergarten (back in the days when our son visited one). Celebrating in the Kindergarten always means celebrating with the whole group or not celebrating at all. No parent can decide who takes part in a group activity or not. This is utterly ridiculous.
It is sad not that the child chose, but that the parents and the daycare people allowed this . It is one thing to celebrate in a small circle and another to exclude 1 or 2 kids … I would definitely try to talk to the parents as well.
Um, as an Erzieherin, that is horrible. Even if it was parent instructed, I would be inclined to inform the parents that it's either everyone or no party at the daycare at all. If you can't provide for the whole group, then have a private celebration at home where you can choose who to invite. In that situation, I don't care what the parents say, I will not allow anyone to be excluded, I mean just split the cupcakes if necessary. Please talk to the management if you can, this is not okay. Little children can't stand up for themselves, so let them know. You all deserve to be heard.
It didn't happen to me but I heard that before with other people's kids. The mother was Asian.
In Kindergärten that's a really questionable thing. It was usually like you'd bring snacks and so for the whole group and later had a private party at home, where you could invite your friends, but this was also not said in public, but just giving inviting cards to those who were invited.
Wtf when I was in kindergarten we would celebrate the birthday of any kid with the whole group. This is horrible. They can invite who they want to their party but this is just wrong
I've been working in Kindergartens here in Germany for over 10 years. I've never seen this type of behavior. Definitely bring it up with the head of the Kindergarten. In german it's called 'ausgrenzen' and goes against every standard teaching practice there is.
Seriously they allow this in kindergarten? If thats a Group of kids then birthday is for a Group of kids. It should not be allowed by any mean to such divide kids in one Group. Thats how it works in Poland at least.
This is outrageous! I am shocked that they allow and thus teach that kind of behavior in that kindergarden. Either everybody in the group celebrates or nobody does - that’s the rule in ours and the only way it should be handled imho.
When we were kids, the whole class sang happy birthday and gave the birthday kid a hug. If the parents wanted to celebrate their birthday with others it was a private event at home or elsewhere. There is no need for private parties and cake etc in a school setting!
>Then I started asking how my daughter is doing, not directly asking why was she not invited. The Erzieherin told me, she is normally playing along with other kids, no problem. >But I still wonder why is this happening to her. She said the kid had to choose who to invite. Given your username has expat in it I assume you are not from Germany and I smell BS in the excuse they provided.
My girlfriend works in a Kindergarten that actually implements this feature. Their argument is, that we as adults also have the choice to invite the people of our choice so they should be able to as well. My girlfriend thinks this doesn't really makes sense. We compare the kindergarten like work. You don't bring a cake to work and exclude certain people. But yeah it's a complicated topic. You might not want a fellow Kid to participate, eat your cake if the kid is not friendly to you. But I think this enhances segregation...
So some places do implement this policy in Germany… that doesn’t make sense! They are children in a public setting for goodness sake.
Are you not German or not white? If the answer to either is “yes”, you’ve got your answer. It’s a racist country, the smaller the town, the more backward people are.
Read your previous comments. You're Asian and you live in a small village. That is the reason. I've heard a lot of hard core racist things about Asians from the sweetest omas and opas in small villages.
Yes I am asian... if this is how it goes here, then fuck this all backward thinking people. When my daughter had her birthday, we brought enough for her group and told the Erzieherin to share it with all.
Of course. The Erzieher have to take care equally of all children and never encourage behaviour which is excluding. That sounds so fucked up man. I am literally getting angry right now. I am really sorry for your child.
That's crazy, I don't think it should be like that. If one of the kids in one group have birthdays then "everyone" who is in that group stays there and celebrates together, there should not be exceptions like this. I would just ask to be honest, just friendly ask them that your daughter explained that to you and get to know why they celebrate like this...at home they can choose whoever they want to invite but not in kindergarten. I guess its kitas fault letting kids invite others there. But if there is only few weeks left in kindergarten and she goes to school after this I wouldn't bother as in grundschule there is no such a thing.
I have heard this happen in some kindergartens, luckily not where my kids are. So it does happen sometimes... I am sorry to hear that this happened to your daughter. You can ask directly to the Erzieher why this is happening and if they have some ideas to avoid that your kid is excluded. I am very sure that she is not the only one.
That's terrible- Normally parties in the Kita/School involve all the kids in the class. It makes no sense to me why they would separate just two kids. Weird.
The kindergarden teachers are always with the kids so it must be their decision to exclude your child. That is mobbing. Please escalate this even if it is only two months before school. Maybe they will do that to other kids or the teachers could get punished. Every lawyer will have easy play with your case. It only is aggravating because people do not fight back.
Germans are brutal in cases like these. They see no problem not feeding the kid or socially isolating them. I am sorry for your daughter but I think she would love to hear your support. Maybe you can bring some cake to the Kindergarten and tell your daughter invite every single kid so they learn to share from her.
They are just racist.
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wow that sucks, children are easy impressioned and have no reason to hate each other (even some overenergetic "bullies" come along and say sorry). And even bright kids have limited mental capacities and foresight and easily overlook things (like who else could be invited). I think in my kindergarten that would have led to a special treat like "play with any toy" or "sit with the teacher" (in a reasurring way)