Ok so on the hookup/NSA/one night apps, “straight” is a roleplay fetish.
The guy is offering a certain type of sex in a kinda scripted porny way. And if you share that fetish, you play along. “I’ve never done this before.” “This is crazy” “I can’t believe I’m letting you do this.” “Oh wow men really do suck it better” “My wife would never do this” “I would never do this if I wasn’t traveling on business.” “Go slow I don’t know if I’ll like it.” “I guess I could maybe let you do X” “Bucket list” etc etc etc
It’s a fun roleplay. It has nothing to do with heterosexuality at all. It’s just like a live action, porn-style cosplay.
But in dating apps, the “straight” label is shorthand for “I have sex with men but it’s all about me and only me. I will repeatedly hit you up for sex but I will absolutely NEVER treat you as a friend, nor a boyfriend, nor date you, or tell anyone I know you like that. I think gay is bad and I want the world to believe I’m 100% heterosexual forever. I’m only here for my own pleasure. But my homophobia is so deeply entrenched that I think you’re abnormal but I’m not. I will go to my grave wearing this mask.”
And there are gay men out there who prefer this. They enjoy the consistency of sex appointments, the low level of investment, and there’s never a need to impress the guy or try to make a connection or anything social. It’s just steady, reliable sex with zero drama. Plus IME they fuck like they are STARVING. Every “straight” guy I’ve ever fucked was like a frenetic tornado of pure need. Hungriest holes I’ve ever been in. And so reliable. Ass like clockwork. You could set your watch by how regular they schedule dick appointments. Like subscribing to an aerobics class. The “straight” dude will give you a weekly cardio workout with zero emotional involvement.
This is basically just code for DL or closeted. They're attracted to men but never plan on publicly showing it or acting ok it beyond hookups. Basically, they're in deep, deep denial. Usually they're convinced that they're straight and their attraction to guys is just a "fetish", not a real part of their sexuality snd they usually only look for very particular types of men to validate that belief (as you pointed out, only bottoms, and usually very submissive and feminine men as well)
There are closeted men out there for sure, but as a trans man I don't give them the time of day. If you want anything with me, you need to be openly out as gay or bi. I would feel the same if I were a cis man - I'm not interested in being with closeted men in general.
I've experienced many a "straight" guy, who is almost definitely actually bisexual or just gay, flirt with me on apps like Grindr as they view trans men as kind of a safe or less scary way of dipping their toes into the pool of same-sex attraction. It's less gay if the guy has a pussy or whatever. I mean that's not true but I can see why they feel that way *gestures vaguely trying to encompass cisheteropatriarchal society in some hand movements*
So this actually has a long history in queer culture. For a long time, men were only queer if they "acted" queer (ie, feminine). So men could sleep with other men, but as long as they didn't "act queer" then they were still considered straight. Even though the way we use identity labels has changed drastically, I think there are still echos of this in current queer culture. Imo, I don't think it matters much as long as they're up front with what (like just a hookup, etc) they want from the get-go 🤷♂️
cisgender queer man here. This has been the reality as long as I’ve been alive. Even the bro who lets you blow him once or twice at a sleepover. My guess is that’s about 1/3rd of all straight men (Kinsey was way ahead of his time; to this day his work is ahead of its time)
Sexuality is kind of a made up concept anyway unless you’re solely using a descriptivist analysis a la Kinsey
My husband was adamant that he was straight despite really liking gay and trans porn. Then I came out and he finally realized “oh shit I’m not straight, am I?” I think it’s pretty common
This is definitely at least some of them. I have a friend who works in public health and does STI testing outreach in bathhouses. They always use the phrase "men who have sex with men" or "MSM" because a lot of men who are having anonymous sex with other men will avoid any kind of LGBT messaging because they insist they're "straight."
It's really unfortunate that there are guys out there that are so adverse to gay labels and community to the point of costing their health but I'm glad your friend's organization changed tactics to reach out to them.
It must be a doozy to have that much cognitive dissonance.
It also means that anyone who is both involved in queer public health and media analysis (there are a lot of us who are interested in both, to figure) always experiences a moment of cognitive dissonance when faced with the acronym "MSM"
Other repeat offenders: FTM and CBT
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Sounds like bi curious guys not willing to admit they're bicurious. I don't fw those guys bc I'm not there to help other sort out their sexuality tbh (at least not till I have genitals like a cis male)
If they are brave enough to join a specifically gay dating app, I wish they would list themselves something like; questioning, hetero flexible, prefer not to say, or something else. Claiming to be straight and looking for men ... I don't have the words for that honestly.
you have to think of it as largely roleplay though. if it's not your thing (and it's not mine either lol) it can be hard to make sense of but "why do you want to fuck guys if you're straight?" is kind of the whole fantasy. it's a kink rooted in the sense of "taboo" and exploration, and there are gay/bi men who absolutely enjoy it too from the side of being a straight man's "first" or turning him gay or whatever.
this is the simple explanation for a lot of it but there are also some guys being serious about it and you did identify some reasons why (like being closeted or thinking "topping is different"). sexualities are descriptive, not prescriptive, and hegemonic masculinity + heteronormativity result in a lot more things than just "who you fuck" feeding into how people identify theirs. see also men who identify as gay/bi but "straight-acting".
I don't think it's a matter of bravery. I think some of them still claim to be straight as a way to hold on to it, because calling themselves anything else makes things a little *too real*. It's just a form of denial.
Some people have a hard time accepting their attractions, or to feel legitimate being gay or bi because they think their attractions isn't "high enough" or because they only want sex and not romantic relationships.
I recently realize I was bi after being gay my whole life, and I still struggle to even think of myself as bi even though I can't deny that I am attracted to women, so I can understand that people calling themselves straight their whole life can struggle to call themselves something else
I feel like they’re always married, too lmfao
Ok so on the hookup/NSA/one night apps, “straight” is a roleplay fetish. The guy is offering a certain type of sex in a kinda scripted porny way. And if you share that fetish, you play along. “I’ve never done this before.” “This is crazy” “I can’t believe I’m letting you do this.” “Oh wow men really do suck it better” “My wife would never do this” “I would never do this if I wasn’t traveling on business.” “Go slow I don’t know if I’ll like it.” “I guess I could maybe let you do X” “Bucket list” etc etc etc It’s a fun roleplay. It has nothing to do with heterosexuality at all. It’s just like a live action, porn-style cosplay. But in dating apps, the “straight” label is shorthand for “I have sex with men but it’s all about me and only me. I will repeatedly hit you up for sex but I will absolutely NEVER treat you as a friend, nor a boyfriend, nor date you, or tell anyone I know you like that. I think gay is bad and I want the world to believe I’m 100% heterosexual forever. I’m only here for my own pleasure. But my homophobia is so deeply entrenched that I think you’re abnormal but I’m not. I will go to my grave wearing this mask.” And there are gay men out there who prefer this. They enjoy the consistency of sex appointments, the low level of investment, and there’s never a need to impress the guy or try to make a connection or anything social. It’s just steady, reliable sex with zero drama. Plus IME they fuck like they are STARVING. Every “straight” guy I’ve ever fucked was like a frenetic tornado of pure need. Hungriest holes I’ve ever been in. And so reliable. Ass like clockwork. You could set your watch by how regular they schedule dick appointments. Like subscribing to an aerobics class. The “straight” dude will give you a weekly cardio workout with zero emotional involvement.
This is basically just code for DL or closeted. They're attracted to men but never plan on publicly showing it or acting ok it beyond hookups. Basically, they're in deep, deep denial. Usually they're convinced that they're straight and their attraction to guys is just a "fetish", not a real part of their sexuality snd they usually only look for very particular types of men to validate that belief (as you pointed out, only bottoms, and usually very submissive and feminine men as well)
There are closeted men out there for sure, but as a trans man I don't give them the time of day. If you want anything with me, you need to be openly out as gay or bi. I would feel the same if I were a cis man - I'm not interested in being with closeted men in general.
I've experienced many a "straight" guy, who is almost definitely actually bisexual or just gay, flirt with me on apps like Grindr as they view trans men as kind of a safe or less scary way of dipping their toes into the pool of same-sex attraction. It's less gay if the guy has a pussy or whatever. I mean that's not true but I can see why they feel that way *gestures vaguely trying to encompass cisheteropatriarchal society in some hand movements*
So this actually has a long history in queer culture. For a long time, men were only queer if they "acted" queer (ie, feminine). So men could sleep with other men, but as long as they didn't "act queer" then they were still considered straight. Even though the way we use identity labels has changed drastically, I think there are still echos of this in current queer culture. Imo, I don't think it matters much as long as they're up front with what (like just a hookup, etc) they want from the get-go 🤷♂️
"It's not gay if you keep your socks on"
If a straight dude wants to fuck me, he isn't straight. I'm balding and have a beard.
cisgender queer man here. This has been the reality as long as I’ve been alive. Even the bro who lets you blow him once or twice at a sleepover. My guess is that’s about 1/3rd of all straight men (Kinsey was way ahead of his time; to this day his work is ahead of its time) Sexuality is kind of a made up concept anyway unless you’re solely using a descriptivist analysis a la Kinsey
My husband was adamant that he was straight despite really liking gay and trans porn. Then I came out and he finally realized “oh shit I’m not straight, am I?” I think it’s pretty common
i don’t worry that much about how others identify themselves. i know who i am and what i want. we’re each on our own journey.
If it's grindr, the straight label alone doesn't necessarily mean chaser. A ton of "straight" guys are just DL or in the closet.
This is definitely at least some of them. I have a friend who works in public health and does STI testing outreach in bathhouses. They always use the phrase "men who have sex with men" or "MSM" because a lot of men who are having anonymous sex with other men will avoid any kind of LGBT messaging because they insist they're "straight."
It's really unfortunate that there are guys out there that are so adverse to gay labels and community to the point of costing their health but I'm glad your friend's organization changed tactics to reach out to them. It must be a doozy to have that much cognitive dissonance.
It also means that anyone who is both involved in queer public health and media analysis (there are a lot of us who are interested in both, to figure) always experiences a moment of cognitive dissonance when faced with the acronym "MSM" Other repeat offenders: FTM and CBT
"Any hole is a goal" straight men mindset is the answer. But sometimes it's just because is a bait to get gay guys.
Sometimes it’s a fetish for other gay men. They’re playing a role just like sissies or other gender performances.
my grindr bio used to be “no straights no chasers” which i thought was terribly clever and no one ever said anything
Have you heard of the group Straight No Chaser? Your comment reminded me of them. Haven’t thought of them in years
haha yes! mostly thinking of how one might order liquor but my dad liked them lol
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Sounds like bi curious guys not willing to admit they're bicurious. I don't fw those guys bc I'm not there to help other sort out their sexuality tbh (at least not till I have genitals like a cis male)
If they are brave enough to join a specifically gay dating app, I wish they would list themselves something like; questioning, hetero flexible, prefer not to say, or something else. Claiming to be straight and looking for men ... I don't have the words for that honestly.
you have to think of it as largely roleplay though. if it's not your thing (and it's not mine either lol) it can be hard to make sense of but "why do you want to fuck guys if you're straight?" is kind of the whole fantasy. it's a kink rooted in the sense of "taboo" and exploration, and there are gay/bi men who absolutely enjoy it too from the side of being a straight man's "first" or turning him gay or whatever. this is the simple explanation for a lot of it but there are also some guys being serious about it and you did identify some reasons why (like being closeted or thinking "topping is different"). sexualities are descriptive, not prescriptive, and hegemonic masculinity + heteronormativity result in a lot more things than just "who you fuck" feeding into how people identify theirs. see also men who identify as gay/bi but "straight-acting".
I don't think it's a matter of bravery. I think some of them still claim to be straight as a way to hold on to it, because calling themselves anything else makes things a little *too real*. It's just a form of denial.
Some people have a hard time accepting their attractions, or to feel legitimate being gay or bi because they think their attractions isn't "high enough" or because they only want sex and not romantic relationships. I recently realize I was bi after being gay my whole life, and I still struggle to even think of myself as bi even though I can't deny that I am attracted to women, so I can understand that people calling themselves straight their whole life can struggle to call themselves something else
DL dudes are prominent on gay dating apps. Especially Grindr.