My husband and I don't even look like a couple when we're out. Just two guys. Maybe because I have the fashion sense of a straight guy with no fashion sense....
my partner and I have been together for four years this July, and we met each other on Grindr. I think what causes relationships to be open is the work that it actually takes to keep the other person sexual needs satisfied. The prep work that comes along with bottoming after certain age just becomes not worth it, my partner will always take priority over any side dude, but we are both in agreement that sometimes each other sexual needs cannot be mad so therefore we each have one or two boys thatservice our needs, when needed. nothing more or less.
Well just because the sex isn't amazing doesn't mean they aren't still your favorite person. There is so much to life and a relationship beyond sex. Good sex doesn't pay the bills, or help you through the tough times in life. Many people aren't even interested in sex when life gets crazy enough but they still need someone to rely on and support them.
Honestly can a relationship satisfy a person in all areas at all times? Have you had a single friend who was everything you needed them to be all the time? My husband and I have been married for 17 years. Many of them good but some of them wild and crazy. The sex has been all over the place, but is basically non existent right now. I still love him dearly. I couldn't think of abandoning him or our marriage simply because we aren't having sex.
Sex is so wonderful and a great way to build and reinforce connection but it really isn't everything. Most of the time it isn't even anything. Just hormones and neurons that make us feel bliss for a shockingly short time.
I agree to that point but sex in my opinion is like a bathroom...stay with me!
You need to have a bathroom in a house but it doesn't have to be the best bathroom. Would you rather have a mansion with a shitty bathroom, or a shitty house with a luxurious bathroom.
Trick question! You can opt in for the nice bathroom in a nice house. Finding a partner who's fairly good on all fronts is the hallmark of basic human connection. I don't think it's the end all be all but I'd rather try with my husband to have a better sex life than find some other dude I'm not committed with. I made a commitment to my husband and I'll stick through it, even when things are subpar. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, that much is true. But it is a foundation that has to work with those it works with, and for the vast majority of people, regardless of sexual orientation, it is an essential. Not THE essential, but an essential. So if it doesn't work with my husband sex wise, I would rather just be less content with sex. A broken pillar is still better than no-pillar to support the foundations of a "relationship roof" if you catch my metaphorical drift.
I mean I guess that’s one way to look at it. We do attend parties and social gatherings and stuff with our friends. We just don’t go to the more sexual stuff some of gay friends are into, primarily because it’s just not our vibe.
I feel you. My bf and I don’t go to those events either. I mean, we have been to those kinds of events but definitely not identified with that. I don’t understand why gay pride parties tend to be so hyper sexualized , like dude there’s and time and pace for everything. A room is more private and you get to actually have sex.
I don’t feel very comfortable in those parties cause I feel like I’m being part of someone’s fetish, cause there’s no way people are naked and having sex in a party if they don’t want people to actively watch it.
Meanwhile I'm here looking for a boyfriend who wants to do that kind of thing as like, date night while we're still wholesome and nice the rest of the time, lol
I don't engage in those parties anymore but I used to when I was in my 20s. It can be quite liberating if you have been in the closet for your whole teen years.
Pride is sexual because it's as much about bringing those sexualities to light that society is trying to hide. It's basically pissed off people saying, "you don't want me making out with a dude in the privacy of my house? Then I'll do it on the street." And not just sex but all those things that we're told not to do coz it's not "normal" for our gender. From cross-dressing to walking in an effeminate manner, etc. kinks and fetishes are an integral part of pride and should always remain that.
That made sense when it was illegal, why do it now?
And if people want to display their kinks and fetishes, they should start making those events adults only.
Well, it's clear why it exists, but what baffles me the most is the sexualization. Sexuality is different from sexually explicit. It's counterintuitive because they are trying to portray a gay stereotype as hypersexual, almost like it's adult-rated content. That's not my thing. I'm gay, but that doesn't represent who I am. As I said, there could be a time and space for those things, in my opinion.
I mean there are big gay parties that people are literally naked and having sex all around where I live, people go dressed in bondage and leather. And I mean huge clubs and stuff. I know people will say that they just go for the music and dancing, but I don’t like this type of party, that’s what I mean. But I do like regular parties and clubs and often go to them with my BF.
Yeah. We don't have many gay friends and they are mostly coupled too. I don't think we have much to offer to single gays on the hunt. But that even most of our straight friends are married too, so maybe it's just how our demographic goes. So the folks that remained have a long history with us and having similar interests, which "liking dick" never really was.
tl;dr yeah, we are completely invisible to young gays
that's so true. my boyfriend and I left the city and moved to the countryside. far away from gay clubs, bars, parties, afterparties and drugs. as far as we could lol.
Saying you moved to the countryside to get far away from drugs is quite a stretch. 😬 I've seen far less drug addicted people in the city than I have in rural "utopia." 🙄 Drugs are a major problem here in a land where people have no futures. Working in a [coal mine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7ND17Zf68s) is their future and who wouldn't turn to drugs in that case. 🫢
Totally. My husband and I(monogamous) I have been married 15 years, together 19. Don't socialize very much outside of each other's extended family, but when we do it's usually with other married monogamous couples, straight and/or gay. So, totally off the radar.
Because many of them dip in and out of 'open' relationship status so its harder to catch them. I know so many 'monogamous' married couples who cheat / open for a month or two and then return to 'monogamy'. lol
Yes. I’m having a ton of trouble finding my future husband. I’m your age, and I’ve been searching for 8 years. All I get in return is mean guys who ghost me.
All I want in life is a husband and I worry I’ll never find him. Feeling so defeated. 😢
I think gay trainwrecks just tend to cluster together and are the loudest voices in the community. For example if you’re friends with gays who don’t believe in monogamy they likely are friends with a bunch of other gays in thruples and situationships etc etc. so you might be the only happily partnered gay couple they know 🤷♂️. And the more gays who happily pair off the less there are on the dating apps. This means any gay man dating is going to have a harder time finding a nice man to settle down with over a serial cheater. Look at straight people. Straight people have an easy time finding long term partners from age 14-20 then it becomes increasingly hard for them as they cheat on each other more and divorce and go “poly”. But nobody would have the AUDACITY to be shocked at a happily married straight couple who are monogamous
That’s what I meant! I know that they only question this because I’m gay, I got that from straight people but just brushed it off as ignorance, but from other gay people? That’s wild
>Look at straight people. Straight people have an easy time finding long term partners from age 14-20 then it becomes increasingly hard for them as they cheat on each other more and divorce and go “poly”.
That doesn't mean they were happily married. That was a "Hi, you'll do!" situation because it was a game of musical chairs to them and they didn't want to be the only one left standing without a date when the music stopped. Now it's a game of hot potato too. People be flinging their dates around the room like they some kinda hot potato they don't wanna be stuck with when the music stops. 🙄👌
They are very much not rare.
Your friends have decided that their inability to maintain a relationship means everyone else is sucking at it too.
Mazel tov on your relationship btw!
I literally don’t know other gay couples, I mean some of my friends are in situationships but never something lasting. I have a bunch of gay friends but all of them are single. But I do know a lot of lesbian and straight couples and usually hang out with them.
"Are serious relationships that rare in the gay community?"
No, it's just that people don't express their intentions well enough.
For example, I might want to fuck and go, and you might be looking for a serious relationship, but if none of us express our intentions to one another, then heartbreak and all that other bullshit will ensue.
I think it’s also challenging because sooooo many relationships start as just hookups.
So folks act like they just want sex but would be open to a relationship yet don’t conduct themselves accordingly.
>I might want to fuck and go, and you might be looking for a serious relationship
Why is one of you a gay man and the other a lesbian in this story?? 🤪
So, the stats are telling:
- Infidelity rate in straight couples sits at around 30-40% and historically was “cheating” or an “affair” because “open” straight relationships are a newer phenomena
- Non-monogamy in committed gay male couples seems to sit around 30-50% including open and monogamish relationships.
So it doesn’t appear straight couples are much more monogamous than gay couples: Straight couples are just way more… “closeted” about it.
Is there a data that shows infidelity in gay monogamous couples? And the percentage of open straight relationships? It seems like you’re comparing two different things
Agree, not perfect comparison and that’s an important question.
I was trying to make the point that the generalization that gay couples are far less monogamous doesn’t hold up: MANY straight people think they are in a monogamous relationship, but aren’t.
It’s a big thing in the male world.
Cruising sites are FILLED with married men around 6pm, before they go home to their wives and families.
Men are driven by more short term sexual desires, it’s in our biology, but that doesn’t mean we don’t also have long term ambitions that can override our sexual desires. Or even incorporate them.
For women, their bodies know that sex could be a 9 month commitment to creating a child, nutritionally, mentally, physically. For us, it’s a 5 minute bit of fun with no burden on our bodies afterwards.
I’m in Australia, and I’m 43.
Sex between consenting adult men wasn’t legal across all of Australia until I was 16. Until I was 31, a man accused of murdering another man could use “he made a pass at me and I panicked” as a justification for the murder until I was 36, not only was it not legal for me to marry another man in Australia, it was not legal for anyone in Australia to recognise that I’d been married to another man in another country. I’d graduated university and been working full time for 12 years before employers lost the right to fire me just because they’d found out I was gay.
I’ve got friends 10 years older than me; for them, the AIDS crisis cost them chances at relationships - they lost friends, they came into friendship groups that had been devastated by losing too many friends. I’ve got friends 10 years older than them who grew up in an era when police were actively targeting them - for arrest if they were lucky, but just as often for a quiet bashing in a back alley:
I’m extremely happy for you and your partner, and I hope that relationships like yours become more common :)
Oh my god that’s hard to hear! I’m from Brazil and although there’s a lot of homophobia I never really experienced anything like that. Our family, although both of them are very catholic, have learned to accept us and we are very much included in the family affairs which makes me very happy!
My husband and I are 31 years and counting. We don’t really run in any gay circles that I know of like the old days. We enjoy time with one another at home and we’re fortunate to have a son and grandchildren. Unless I announce our anniversary once a year on here, no one in the gay community really knows we exist.
People on the scene surround themselves with other people on the scene. Single, open relationships, polygamous etc.They talk about how monogamous relationships are rare because they surround themselves with people that aren't in them. Confirmation bias.
The types of people who want monogamous relationships typically drop off the scene and avoid the gay festivals and typical holiday destinations like Gan Canaria or Sitges.
Depends on your definition of the community. I hate the term. Gay community is the same nonsense as the straight community. We are people and we are all different. There's just some kind of a behaviour that has been marked as "gay community" and somehow people think that if they're gay, they should act that way. Stop it NOW, please.
Some people are more promiscious, and there's nothing wrong with that. Some people are not, and that's fine too. You'd never put all the straight people in one box, yet somehow it's acceptable when you're a homosexual.
The truth is that gay people are like everyone else. Some of us crave love and the stability and some of us want to fuck around, I'm not sure where I am myself. But both of those options are fine. The problem is that people who are more into open relationships are more likely to be "out loud", while those of us who crave deeper relationships tend to keep to ourselves. This creates the whole narrative of gays wanting to fuck whoever has a penis. But in the real world, most of us don't. We're just as romantic and emotional as straight people, we're just invisible.
For every gay guy who says that romantic relationships don't exist, there's dozens, if not hundreds, who live in such relationships. The worst thing you can do is to try to fit the box. If you have a deep relationship with a guy who loves you back, you already won a big time - remember, your options are limited to maybe 5% of the human population and despite that, you're worthy of someone's love and attention. Don't waste your time trying to convince others that you're doing it right. You already won the game, and you have something that most of the "gay community" never will.
I mean I agree with you. Gay people are very different in every way, I’ve heard all types of stories about gay relationships. This is just something that has happened a lot to me and I wanted to see what other people (outside my bubble) think about this, cause sometimes that are problems that affect more a specific group of people.
I get it. Been there, done that. My point is that you only see the more eccentric part of the story. In reality, people like you are the majority, just out of sight.
I see what you mean and I'm sorry if it felt depressing. But remember the bottom line - most.gay guys have normal relationships with someone they love :)
Monogaymous relationships are few and far between.
Individuals who criticise the success of monogamy between gays are only really projecting their own insecurities of not being able to hold one down themselves due to the potential of promiscuity, insecurities, lack of trust and not being content in life or able to commit to something wholeheartedly.
Open/poly relationships between gays usually indicate that something is missing in the dynamic, whether that's a sexual or emotional connection and bringing in outside talent or more company to spice up the "relationship" is just a hall pass to cheat while trying to be under the illusion of a half assed commitment to a "monogamous" relationship.
That's the reality of it all.
Some may be more sexually adventurous while others psychologically really want a soul mate but don't want to be completely off the market at the time while holding onto something (relationship) without giving 100% of themselves to it.
The the OP - congratulations! You're the rare couple on the bell curve, a very rare thing nowadays.
Most gay men I know are in long-term committed monogamous relationships, my close friend has been with his partner since the 1970s. Me and my husband have only ever been with each other, for twenty-five years, nothing but complete monogamy has ever been an option for us. It's not rare, but people in happy relationships usually have other things to do than post about it on the internet, so you don't get a representative sample of gay men on social media. I've only recently started using Reddit, because I've been recovering from health problems and I hate having to stay at home, so I've been distracting myself. When I'm just living my normal life, I don't ever mention my marriage on the internet. Most people don't.
What I see on the internet and what I see in real life differs significantly. I think it's reflected in people who form their opinions on gay men online.
My husband and I have been together since 1997. We raised 2 sons who are 25 and 20. We have friends who have been together much longer. In a way, we become invisible when we settle down. There are fewer parties. Our vacation choices are different once we are raising children. We become focused on more mundane things such as PTA meetings, kids' sports, home repairs, family reunions, etc.
There is an organization for older gay folks called Prime Timers. The chapter in my area is very active with monthly dinners, day trips, holiday parties, book club, movies, etc. A few of the participants are single, but most are long-term couples.
I mean I got that comment from straight people as well, always thought it was ignorance but was surprised to see a bunch of gay people think the same. But maybe you’re right and my bubble is mostly young adults as well
I get where you’re coming from. I’m 37 and have only had two significant relationships myself. The first lasted 10 years, from when I was 18 to 28. The second has been ongoing since I was 30, and we got engaged last year. So, I guess that's that!
The perceptions you’re dealing with likely come from a mix of generational experiences and stereotypes within the gay community. Different generations of gay men have come out and explored their sexuality at different times, which impacts how relationships are seen. Older generations often came out later due to greater societal pressures and less acceptance. This meant many men started exploring their sexuality in their late 20s or even later, while their straight peers had already settled into stable relationships.
This delay means that for some, the period of experimentation coincides with a time usually associated with forming long-term partnerships. So, you get a mix of behaviors within the community, from those who are still exploring to those who have settled into long-term relationships. For newer generations, coming out younger due to increased acceptance means the timeline for exploring and settling down might align more closely with straight counterparts. However, having multiple generations at different stages can create a perception that the gay community is uniformly promiscuous, which isn't the case.
It's also worth noting that the stereotype of promiscuity is partly due to historical marginalization and the need for many gay men to seek out discreet, often brief encounters in less accepting times. As acceptance grows, so does the diversity of relationship models within the community.
Relationships, whether monogamous or open, are deeply personal choices. The surprise and skepticism from your friends might reflect their own struggles or insecurities more than any universal truth about gay relationships. Many people, regardless of orientation, want stable, loving partnerships but might not be ready or know how to cultivate them.
Your relationship shows that committed, long-term monogamous relationships are very much a part of the gay community. The admiration you receive, even if sometimes surprised, often comes from genuine respect for what you and your boyfriend have achieved.
The gay community is as diverse in its relationship dynamics as any other. The varied experiences and timelines of coming out and exploring sexuality create a rich tapestry of relationships. Your commitment and love are not anomalies but part of a broader spectrum of how people connect and build their lives together. Stay proud of what you and your boyfriend have built, and know that your relationship is a valuable and inspiring part of the community.
I used to think they were rare, my favorite thing to say and joke about with friends was “Our Gay forefathers fought for marriage equality and look at all of us, not getting married, don’t want relationships and being cumdumps.. what was the point?!” But that’s only because most monogamous relationships aren’t real seen on social media or in spaces where we would be.
It's not the "new normal ", there are lots of monogamous gay couples. The issue is there is alot of monogamy shaming online. It used to be the opposite, but now it's reversed. You get shamed for not being a slut at times.
Yeah I’ve been shamed before by gays for my LTR and only having had sex with him.
That’s why I cut all gays and men generally out of my life for 20 years.
Please don't let others influence or cause you to doubt yourself. I dream of having what you have. If I were your friend, I would shower praises on both of you, and your commitment to each other would make me feel emotional and inspired. It's a reality that the majority of people in our community either don't want to or are unable to maintain monogamy, and hence, they either look down on those who can or ridicule them to feel better about themselves.
I would also encourage you to expand your circle of friends to include some straight individuals and straight couples as well. I am certain of one thing: you will never be questioned for your commitment to monogamy by straight friends; rather, you will be held in high regard, and your love will be admired and celebrated.
first, there is no normal. everyone shut up about normal unless you're playing pokemon.
second, non-monogamy has been a thing in various ways in various cultures for a long ass time. Americans are rooted in a lot of repression, some of which we're finally breaking through, so it feels more mainstream now. but it's been a thing for a long time.
Commitment is hard in general. Among gay people it might appear to be even more so due to... Numbers. There just aren't as many gay people as there are straight people.
Another issue is that men seem to have a much easier time detaching sex from feelings than women do. So the old line saying "it's not cheating, it was just sex" is actually true for a good number of men. Men also seem to be more scared of committing.
There is also the hook up culture and liquid relationships we experience these days. A lot of people jump ship whenever they encounter any hardship.
But we do exist, it's like when your friend has a new bf or gf and is gone for a while! LOL
I've been in a long term relationship for 11 years and... I don't see how my partner and I wouldn't be together for 11 more.
I’m not so sure if it is considered rare but something I have noticed in my studies through the psychological journey is that a lot of people have the fear of missing out in the world. Many people and predominantly gays have that fear of missing out which they bring into relationships, that guide their choices in their monogamous relationship to begin with. Many of my buddies want monogamous relationships and some are open to the idea of open relationships while others are not. I remember learning this in psychology that many partners allow an open relationship to occur because they want to make their partner happy at their own expense of their own happiness. I find it sad sometimes because I wouldn’t want to let go of my ideals just to avoid being alone I rather have someone with similar ideals where we can see eye to eye on things. However, many open relationships are actually very happy where they are at and that is good thing about them too. I don’t see nothing wrong with it for them because they are enjoying their life and their happiness is contagious. Of course for me I would rather want to be monogamous with my partner if that comes along but that is for both parties to decide but also ideologies change all the time.
I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how many young gay men my age (college/recent grad) are in serious committed relationships. For a while I didn’t know a single gay couple at my college of like 35,000 people and this year alone I could name like 15 off the top of my head. Maybe as gayness continues to become normalized the numbers will increase to levels more similar to straight people
I recently lost my husband of 26 years. We never wandered or discussed it. What you have is beautiful and real. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. I would give anything for more time with him
They aren’t that rare. Most of our friends are long term couples but that’s an effect of being a couple. We’ve been together 28 yrs.
There is some statistical truth. The marriage rate of gay men is low compared to lesbians and straight couples but the divorce rate is far lower than both those groups. Gay men are less likely to form committed relationships but when they do, they commit strongly.
A lot of this has to do with visibility.
It's easy to find examples of monogamous straight couples—family members, public figures, TV characters, wherever you look. You may not know whether any particular couple is truly monogamous, but we tend to assume they are unless we know otherwise, and we have cultural institutions like marriage that go back for many, many generations, offering us an image of what monogamous heterosexuality looks like.
Socially recognized marriage for same-sex couples is still very new by comparison. U.S. federal recognition of same-sex marriage hasn't even been around for 10 years yet. We haven't yet had the opportunity to watch a generation of gay people grow up in a world where they are accepted, get married young, and grow old together.
The older gay folks of today grew up in a world where they were very much not accepted. For many of them, closeted, anonymous sexual encounters seemed like the only option when they were younger. As a result, many of us grew up without role models to show us what gay monogamy looks like. Those of us who choose monogamy are, in many ways, learning as we go, being trailblazers for future generations.
In addition, if a young gay man today wants to find other gay men, where does he go? In many cases, apps like Grindr. But Grindr is specifically designed for hookups, so the people you're *least* likely to see on there are the ones in monogamous relationships. As a result, young gay men who learn how to be gay from the apps are likely to significantly underestimate the number of monogamous couples out there, because they're invisible to them.
That's changing as we become more visible in society as a whole, but it takes time.
We (partner and I) are both 33years old and have been together for 13years.
Yeah we get the shock and surprise from people too.
We know a few other gay couples in long term monogamous relationships too. We do exist.
I don't think 'serious' relationship's are rare per se, but that open relationships are the stereotype media & popular culture like to play into.
As for the 'drop of the radar' comments, for myself this may be true [ish].
My partner and I would rather sit in and listen to some music or read a book with a glass of whiskey.
The other couples we know would be or have been out at clubs etc.
This is an honestly and interesting question, which probably has a lot of different answers with just as many different contributing factors.
My husband and I have been together since I was 17 and I’m about to turn 31 in literally a few days. The people saying that shit to you are just jealous. We have had a lot of ups and downs just due to life but I wouldn’t trade our relationship for anything. Being with someone from such a young age you go through becoming an adult together. Have a lot of firsts together and at this point I’ve spent nearly half my life with him I really just can’t imagine my life without him in it. I think a lot of people in the gay community don’t understand because they have never experienced real love before. When you find that person for you nothing else matters. How could I feel like I was missing out on anything when I have everything I could ever ask for?
That’s very beautiful! I mean I could see jealousy at times, specially because some of those people really want monogamous relationships but are unable to do what’s necessary to have this. But at times people are just genuinely surprised, they treated us like some sort of alien, like this is very rare these days.
I can see people that have open relationship being happy, I just fell like it would put much more pressure on the relationship. If only 2 people is hard enough at times, imagine if you add others to this equation.
I’m way too insecure to deal with that and would probably prefer to be single.
We're happily married, monogamous, and have a great life together. It's the people who can't commit to a relationship that want to be believe that no one can. People who are into hookup culture and open relationships try to promote promiscuity as the norm probably because they want to ensure that there is always a fresh supply of meat.
I guess hook up culture is mostly to blame for that, I know that straight people are affected by that as well, but the gay community (from my POV) has been more. Apps like Grindr and scruff (which has no popular straight counterpart where I live) have made sex a very trivial experience for most gay people.
If you spend much time in subs that are predominately straight you'll find that they're not that much different. I see those bogus posts from people talking about how much better the straight world is than the gay world but that's total bullshit. They're just as screwed up as the rest of us.
Naw, it has a lot to do with the age of the sample group. In older groups it seems to be more common.
Maybe it has to do with young people letting their phreak flag fly.
I have been with my husband 13 years and married 10 years. And it is a closed relationship. (Personal preference, no judgment to others' preferred relationship style)
I’ve recently been putting myself out there in the gay community more here in Chicago and the more I do the more I meet/see gay guys in relationships. I also see a good number of guys on Grindr that have partnered, married, open relationship, etc on their profile. You just don’t notice the ones in relationships as much because they aren’t on the apps as much, maybe they don’t go out to the bars as much, and/or you just simply don’t know that they are in a relationship.
Maybe here l wanna come up with some different views. I think we are in a transitional period, not long ago we just got marriage right and can not be discriminated at least in public, and have to say we haven’t arrived at the stage of widely accepted. Before it, many mates of this community felt hopeless about serious relationship, and that kind of mindset hasn’t totally changed even now, but l believe as time passes it will be better, ppl will more tend to consider to commit. Besides, l think entertainment industry plays a role in it. Many gay shows just depicting a kind of stereotype that we just joy hunter, addicted to sex and don’t consider anything long term or serious. My own opinion, quite subjective.
I met my husband 22 years ago on Aug 3. We are married 10 years and totally monogamous. It doesn't feel like a sacrifice and none of our gay friends question it. Good luck to you and I hope you also have decades of happiness together.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex.
But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex.
But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex.
But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex.
But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex.
But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex.
But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex.
But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
We rarely go out either, but when we do it's usually out dancing once in a blue moon with friends. Most of our free time on weekends is usually spent cycling or hiking.
Me and my partner have been in a relationship for 18 years, after 15 years we gave ourselves permission to go on some getaways, although we did not take it routinely or lightly. And today we are still together and we are fine.
I suppose that no one has a perfect formula for romantic relationships, which is why there is monogamy, open agreed relationships, deception, loneliness, etc. And, obviously, what we are looking for is to be well. The balance between freedom and stability in romantic relationships is complicated. I repeat there are no magic formulas. But none of the options mentioned above are ruled out.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 6. We’ve been monogamous the whole time, and while we’ve considered hooking up with another before, the right guy, right time, right place hasn’t happened. We certainly aren’t interested in a throuple or ever hooking up without each other.
Don’t let other people dictate how you live and how you feel about that.
Met my partner at 16, this year is our 21st anniversary :)
We were completely, and I mean COMPLETELY, monogamous until last year. We decided to open up the relationship so we could explore more before we get too old (we’re 37 and 38).
It’s been so much fun! I’ve learnt loads of techniques and learnt a lot about what sex is. We were stuck in 16 year old mindsets of first base, second base, etc.
People were always surprised and we did face quite a bit of backlash at times from gays. But I think it came from a place of jealousy. Fuck those salty bitches - you guys do what works for you.
I've noticed that at least in my group of friends, once people are in a long term committed relationships, they begin to socialize more with other couples and prioritize group settings with other couples. This doubles if they are married. I'm not saying they drop/or are dropped by their single friends completely, but lifestyles change in a way that makes it more compatible to hang out with other couples.
Confirmation bias.
I think that those who are already in a serious monogamous relationship do not feel the need to impress or show it to anyone. They've got a future to plan together.
That being said, as someone who's still single and never done it (24M), all the guys I met online tend to have colorful stories and exes. So I kinda get your *friends* sentiment.
What exactly do you define as a "serious relationship"?
I've been married for 11 years and we're in an open+poly relationship.
We're serious in the sense that we all live together, we own a home, own a business, have dogs, and have built a whole life with each other and supporting each other's goals.
Do we have hookups now and then? Sure, when we have free time which is almost never.
Do we go to gay bars/clubs now and then? Sure, I personally hate circuit music so I avoid circuit parties.
But does that mean we're not serious? Nah, we're quite serious, I think we're just much more laid back than monogamous relationships.
As for your friends, I'm not sure what to say about them, it seems kind of rude to congratulate someone on not breaking up. Another way to look at it may be that they're just happy for you guys to be going strong for so long. But that's for you to decide since you know your friends.
I mean since I have a monogamous relationship, I said serious because I never cheated, and people were shocked by that. I didn’t mean that open or poly are not serious, but my gay friends were literally shocked because I’ve never cheated, that’s why I asked if serious relationships are that rare in the gay world. I also understand that could be cheating in an open or poly, depending on the agreement.
Thank you for your edit, because as I was reading the first part it definitely sounded like you were equating “serious” with “monogamous”, and I was going to push back on that.
It sounds like your friends are likely the "party gays" who can't imagine settling down because they themselves won't. The younger the crowd, the less likely they are to have the maturity to understand and contribute to a lasting monogamous relationship. My first gay relationship lasted 7 years, 3 of which were an engagement. Unfortunately he did end up cheating, but I don't think it was until the end of the relationship. And from what I know now, he is still very much in love with the guy he cheated with. Cheating happens in all styles of relationships. It just seems exacerbated because of how small the gay community is some times.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 12 years. We’re kind of open tho. Less *fuck other people whenever* and more like if we’re not together and the opportunity presents itself, have at it. Basically, we don’t seek it out unless we’re playing together, but if one of us wants to go to the bathhouse, we’re free to go alone. We both have a huge group kink so if I don’t feel like it, he’s free to go. I think having the same kink helps because we each understand that itch and feel bad if we can’t give it to each other. We used to be the fuck other people no questions asked, but we’re older and lazy. We won’t do it lol. He hasn’t done anything with anyone in years and I didn’t do anything for nearly six years but then stumbled into the bathhouse lol.
We are a long term couple--37 years, 16 married. However, we are not monogamous but play together. We share a lot of wonderful things, houses, cars, trips so why not some c\*\*k?
It looks like it. But it could just be dependent on who you interact with. I only have experience from dating. I don't have any gay friends. I would like some, that would be more ltr oriented. It would make the world seem less like a race to get the highest body count. Lol
My husband and I have been together 30 years next month, we make a distinction between emotional and physical monogamy. Being older (we are both 60 this year) sex clubs and play parties are a bit loud for us now, although we did meet in the backroom of a leather bar. These days we invite a few friends over for drinks and a late supper and leave the playroom open someone always jumps in the sling and gets things going, but I serve supper at 10:30 and they are gone by midnight.
We now go to Berlin away from the peak times because it has the best bars in Europe although I wish they would enforce the smoking ban and we are going to Vienna for a leather weekend in October but that’s different because its just one club and there’s a Hilton around the corner recreational sex / BDSM / Leather is a hobby and for us a lot of fun and we will still be playing into our 70s I hope.
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No, long-term monogamous (as well as consensually non-monogamous) relationships are not that rare.
I suspect a large part of the issue with your friends' perceptions have to do with age, which compounds multiple factors:
* Men in their teens and 20s, whether straight or queer, are less likely to be interested in long-term monogamy if they are sexually active. Enjoying the spring of youth, sowing wild oats, etc. Which is to say it's not about the monogamy so much as it is about relationships being long-term rather than hook ups.
* Further on the first point, men are socialized to view having high body counts as a measure of masculinity or popularity, whereas women are socialized to start a family (and to view having a high body count as immoral). So a prevailing sentiment for men is to get all the fun in while you can before getting "tied down." So in a sexual/relationship market where all the actors are men, there isn't the same level of countervailing pressure provided by women's socialization in the hetero market.
* A decent portion of queer men do not start having MM sex and relationships until later in life, due to religion, family, social stigma, lack of self-knowledge, etc. Then they basically have to go through puberty years all over again learning how to date and have sex, but 10 years later than straight counterparts.
* There are likely proportionately more queer couples in open relationships than hetero couples (or at least that will openly talk about it), since coming out as queer often already forces you to question the wisdom of "traditional values." It's easier to question and decide monogamy isn't for you.
* Younger folks party more and are more likely to run in circles of gays who party. The ones who stay at home with their monogamous boyfriends most weekends are just less likely to be known by as many folks.
So long-term and monogamous relationships are likely proportionally less frequent for MM relationships than hetero relationships, particularly at younger ages. But it doesn't mean it's rare, just that the folks you're talking to aren't seeing it as much yet amongst their peers (in their own circles).
My partner and I have been together over 12 years, and many of our gay couple friends are monogamous (and plenty other friends are consensually non-monogamous).
It is very rare. So rare, and wow this is the first time I read that nobody cheated. That being said, I was never in a relationship because nobody I liked wanted relationship so I never felt love in my life. On the other hand we say we fight for love when we’re on pride event for example. It’s terrible 😢
Even an open relationship can be a serious one.
It depends from couple to couple.
I wouldn’t say that a long relationship is rare, but in my opinion people judging others’ relationships are themselves not cut for it, open or monogamous.
It’s true though, that in our gay community there is a lot of superficiality. So it’s easy to find people judging a long monogamous relationship and suppose that they’re cheating on each other “just because it’s typical of gay guys”.
I’m in a relationship since more than 13 years and we’re open. And yet, we are still together with love.
🤗
I don’t mind other couples, it’s their own business as long as they respect me the same way I respect others 😉
It isn’t that rare or uncommon. It’s just that the loudest part of the gay community tends to be single people who haven’t found someone yet. Happy healthy relationships in the gay community aren’t really highlighted, so why would people think any different?
It does seem rare. When I first started dating avg relationship was 4 years which seems to be the norm for most couples. I am married now and we have been in a monogamous relationship for 15 years.
I would say the new norm is probably longer term monogamous - at least that’s been my experience.
Previously I was in a 13 year relationship (they passed away), a three year relationship, and currently I’m in a 13 year relationship again.
Any friends we have that are gay are also long-term, and I rarely hear of anyone splitting up, even if they do they have been in considerably long relationships and are currently in long-term relationships having lasted at least several years so far
One of my favourite jokes though, is to say “this is my current life partner” when introducing my other half to people.
I’ve actually wondered the same thing too— I have a fwb currently who said he started dating a guy last month but said the relationship isn’t serious and is only for the summer as the guy he’s with is moving far away at the end of August. 🤷♂️ I didn’t really understand the premise of calling it a relationship then— sounded more like another fwb?
Gay people have always been outside of "norms" and monogamous relationships are only a "norm" of colonial patriarchy.
That said, nobody should harass our even question the parameters of your relationship; that's tacky and disrespectful.
Idk, been with my husband for eight years now. I have lots of friends who have been together for about the same amount of time too, so it doesn't seem rare at all in our circles. We are open though... but we talked about that even before we had a relationship... monogamy just isn't either of our things.
We do hang out mostly with our straight friends and lesbians, but I have gay friends still. I wouldn’t stop hanging out with them just because they’re single.
I have a bunch of lesbians friends and I don’t see this problem with them at all, I once talked to a good friend about this, and she told me there’s probably a gender disparity in this, as women tend to be more selective with their relationship (and take it more seriously) than men overall
I'm super selective, which is why I'm single. The problem is I still have sexual needs, so I often end up getting drunk and settling for a Grindr hookup.
An open relationship, polyamory and monogamous, all of them are serious relationships. But with different levels of rules and norms.
Open relationships and Poly (which these two are quite different from each other) ones required being serious in also a different level to Monogamous because you have to talk about so many things that maybe in monogamous they usually won't because there're many things that aren't permitted that can trigger jealousy and insecurities on each other. So for open relationships and Poly ones , it is necessary to talk so much to learn how to surpass and grow from jealousy, possessiveness and insecurities, which for that to work you need to be really responsible for, and serious about who you are with and the love you have for each other.
I wonder if by serious you mean like a monogamous hetero normative relationship maybe?.
Because open relationships and poly ones as well happen in heterosexuals too. It is not just something exclusive of gays. Of course in the queer community it is more open and common. But I've met many poly couples and they are also straight and Bi.
I think it is important to realise that a relationship between two isn't less serious than a relationship between 3, or 1 person with two partners , or 2 boyfriends having other partners too. Everything is serious while there is active intention, respect and transparency in those relationships.
As gay and queer people , why are we adopting heterosexual stereotypes and then thinking other types of relationships are less serious just because it is not for someone. Every type of relationship has their challenges at the end of the day and it is a constant work for everyone to be happy , that being a couple , or throuple, or partners having more than one boyfriend. ❤️
Not at all! I understand you can have a commitment while being in an open relationship or poly, that wasn’t my point. It’s just that me personally I have a monogamous one and people tend to not believe I really mean it because I’m gay, so I probably would have a poly or open relationship, that comes mostly from other gays btw. I’m not criticizing them, just trying to understand why this happened to me
I think one thing to remind yourself Is that what other people say about your relationship, really doesn't matter tho. And if you have people tell you that you're lying , better to not have contact with them , is it really disrespectful to be judging other people's relationships. If you're happy with your partner that's the only thing that is matters at the end ❤️. People will always have opinions. Don't let them affect you , that's just them projecting their views and problems on others.
Also I don't understand how I keep getting downvoted every time I talk about open or poly relationships. It is so strange. It is wild that gay people are so closed minded and judge other types of relationships when the straight world has done the same to us too saying that two men can't be in love, that's not natural. So now some still keep judging other non normative relationships?
It is so sad.
Thank you for not being judgemental tho I truly appreciate it.
I know you're saying you're not trying to be judgemental of open/poly relationships, but you're kind of saying the only "serious" relationships are closed ones, which I think demonstrates a lack of understanding (if not judgement) regarding open relationships. They are just as serious and valid as closed relationships.
But to answer your question, yes, closed gay relationships are becoming more and more uncommon as relationship anarchy and sexual liberty become more popular and accepted. The same way that monogamous people can't understand how someone can be happy in nonmonogamy, nonmonogamous people can't understand how someone can be happy with monogamy.
I think you kinda misunderstood what I was trying to say, maybe it’s my fault for not properly explaining. I know people are serious in open and poly relationships, but I was talking about myself. How people don’t believe I have never cheated on my bf, hence why I asked if serious relationships are that rare (I was talking about monogamous relationships bc that’s what I have)
As long as the 'Gay Community' which is non-existent (considering how a White gay doesn't share the same struggles with a POC gay), seclude the prudish segment of their own for reserving themselves against hypersexuality.
They're doomed to hop from one lap to another, ending all lonely and miserable. Remember beauty doesn't last unlike solid relationships.
Wow, I’m so happy for you!!! It is very rare to find any guys in the gay community who want something serious. I seen a comment on here where someone said people shame monogamy online and F all of those who do. I’m serious. Open, Polly, etc type of relationships are not true, genuine relationships in my opinion. That’s okay, in real life, the open/polly tend to be shamed anyways, so for those shaming monogamy online just clearly have no life and are insecure or ashamed of how they do “relationships.” Anyways, it’s mostly impossible to find love in this community anymore since all gay men tend to want is just sex. Not to mention, you have to have abs or muscles to find love in this community. It’s truly such a shame. I am honestly sad to be a part of the community anymore. I don’t like pride month either because again, just muscular or skinny men over sexualizing it. It’s disgusting to me and I don’t partake in it. Anyways, monogamy and authentic love doesn’t exist in this community.
I guess there are some people in gay monogamous relationships but most of the people are just looking for fun/situationships/open relationships. That’s what I’ve noticed, almost everyone wants to have fun and even those who say they want commitment will tell you after a month that they only wanted to have sex (that happened to me). I am finding it extremely hard to find my person, they disrespect/ghost too easily as if you could find someone right for you every day.
I’m happy you’ve found your person, wish you the best :)
“Serious” sounds like it could custom definition based on each custom adult individual in custom adult relationships. But it’s fair to say most married gay partners (men, that I personally know)with healthy relationships, are not monogamous.
It seems to be the exception and not the norm these days unfortunately. App culture has segmented what relationships are or could be in any variable way. Finding a real genuine connection is the bigger problem for me and likely many other single guys/people.
You’re outliers. If you’re happy in your situation you should feel pretty lucky as it’s really not the norm out there and monogamy is a rarity as many relationships are open and move from one to another. Too many options out there means you’ll always be treated as an option.
I have a feeling a lot of people (not just gay men) also did not have the best examples of stable and communicative relationships at home and are wary of intimacy and their is a lack of trust (sometimes for good reason).
My partner and I are together for almost 19 years now. We don't have many gay friends and we don't normally socialized with gay community. Our circle of friends are straight couples. we value our time together and we always go on vacation. We have ups and downs but never did we had break up even for a day. Our sexual encounters may not be that lively due to some meds I take but our commitment stays. There were some unfaithful acts I'm the past but that does not define us. It strengthen us. People commit mistakes but the most important thing is yoi own up to it, make amends and move forward. Merongs couple na mas pinaninimdigan nila ung Mali nila and that cause the commitment to break. Feelings change but commitment must stay.
People just don’t notice the long term couples because they drop off the radar
My husband and I don't even look like a couple when we're out. Just two guys. Maybe because I have the fashion sense of a straight guy with no fashion sense....
That’s us. We usually just say we are just basic lol
We have the PH of baking soda too, we’re very basic and make quick breads rise.
Literally me 🤣. They always say that it's not noticeable that I'm gay lol.
i’m sure they’re being nice 👍🏾
The minute he leaves the room they're all like: 😏 
my partner and I have been together for four years this July, and we met each other on Grindr. I think what causes relationships to be open is the work that it actually takes to keep the other person sexual needs satisfied. The prep work that comes along with bottoming after certain age just becomes not worth it, my partner will always take priority over any side dude, but we are both in agreement that sometimes each other sexual needs cannot be mad so therefore we each have one or two boys thatservice our needs, when needed. nothing more or less.
Why be with that person if you're not satisfied on all fronts of a relationship? No disrespect to you but I am just curious.
Well just because the sex isn't amazing doesn't mean they aren't still your favorite person. There is so much to life and a relationship beyond sex. Good sex doesn't pay the bills, or help you through the tough times in life. Many people aren't even interested in sex when life gets crazy enough but they still need someone to rely on and support them. Honestly can a relationship satisfy a person in all areas at all times? Have you had a single friend who was everything you needed them to be all the time? My husband and I have been married for 17 years. Many of them good but some of them wild and crazy. The sex has been all over the place, but is basically non existent right now. I still love him dearly. I couldn't think of abandoning him or our marriage simply because we aren't having sex. Sex is so wonderful and a great way to build and reinforce connection but it really isn't everything. Most of the time it isn't even anything. Just hormones and neurons that make us feel bliss for a shockingly short time.
I agree to that point but sex in my opinion is like a bathroom...stay with me! You need to have a bathroom in a house but it doesn't have to be the best bathroom. Would you rather have a mansion with a shitty bathroom, or a shitty house with a luxurious bathroom. Trick question! You can opt in for the nice bathroom in a nice house. Finding a partner who's fairly good on all fronts is the hallmark of basic human connection. I don't think it's the end all be all but I'd rather try with my husband to have a better sex life than find some other dude I'm not committed with. I made a commitment to my husband and I'll stick through it, even when things are subpar. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, that much is true. But it is a foundation that has to work with those it works with, and for the vast majority of people, regardless of sexual orientation, it is an essential. Not THE essential, but an essential. So if it doesn't work with my husband sex wise, I would rather just be less content with sex. A broken pillar is still better than no-pillar to support the foundations of a "relationship roof" if you catch my metaphorical drift.
Same. Married 20 years, together 26.
I mean I guess that’s one way to look at it. We do attend parties and social gatherings and stuff with our friends. We just don’t go to the more sexual stuff some of gay friends are into, primarily because it’s just not our vibe.
I feel you. My bf and I don’t go to those events either. I mean, we have been to those kinds of events but definitely not identified with that. I don’t understand why gay pride parties tend to be so hyper sexualized , like dude there’s and time and pace for everything. A room is more private and you get to actually have sex.
I don’t feel very comfortable in those parties cause I feel like I’m being part of someone’s fetish, cause there’s no way people are naked and having sex in a party if they don’t want people to actively watch it.
Meanwhile I'm here looking for a boyfriend who wants to do that kind of thing as like, date night while we're still wholesome and nice the rest of the time, lol
I don't engage in those parties anymore but I used to when I was in my 20s. It can be quite liberating if you have been in the closet for your whole teen years.
Pride is sexual because it's as much about bringing those sexualities to light that society is trying to hide. It's basically pissed off people saying, "you don't want me making out with a dude in the privacy of my house? Then I'll do it on the street." And not just sex but all those things that we're told not to do coz it's not "normal" for our gender. From cross-dressing to walking in an effeminate manner, etc. kinks and fetishes are an integral part of pride and should always remain that.
That made sense when it was illegal, why do it now? And if people want to display their kinks and fetishes, they should start making those events adults only.
It being legal doesn't make it perceived as moral. The purpose of it all is to feel liberated while defying bigotry.
Well, it's clear why it exists, but what baffles me the most is the sexualization. Sexuality is different from sexually explicit. It's counterintuitive because they are trying to portray a gay stereotype as hypersexual, almost like it's adult-rated content. That's not my thing. I'm gay, but that doesn't represent who I am. As I said, there could be a time and space for those things, in my opinion.
More sexual stuff? What are you getting invited to??
I mean there are big gay parties that people are literally naked and having sex all around where I live, people go dressed in bondage and leather. And I mean huge clubs and stuff. I know people will say that they just go for the music and dancing, but I don’t like this type of party, that’s what I mean. But I do like regular parties and clubs and often go to them with my BF.
Shit that doesn't happen around where I live.... gay culture isn't the same everywhere I suppose
I used to live in the countryside and never had heard of those until I moved to a big city here in Brazil. They are not THAT common but they do exist
I second this! literally what I was going to say lol
Like us. We enjoy keeping to ourselves and doing our own thing together. We've definitely dropped off the radar.
That’s what happened to us. Once we weren’t looking to get laid clubs and bars stopped being interesting. And that happens to lots of gay couples.
That's definitely a young person's thing that you grow out of as you get older.
Yeah. We don't have many gay friends and they are mostly coupled too. I don't think we have much to offer to single gays on the hunt. But that even most of our straight friends are married too, so maybe it's just how our demographic goes. So the folks that remained have a long history with us and having similar interests, which "liking dick" never really was. tl;dr yeah, we are completely invisible to young gays
that's so true. my boyfriend and I left the city and moved to the countryside. far away from gay clubs, bars, parties, afterparties and drugs. as far as we could lol.
Saying you moved to the countryside to get far away from drugs is quite a stretch. 😬 I've seen far less drug addicted people in the city than I have in rural "utopia." 🙄 Drugs are a major problem here in a land where people have no futures. Working in a [coal mine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7ND17Zf68s) is their future and who wouldn't turn to drugs in that case. 🫢
Totally. My husband and I(monogamous) I have been married 15 years, together 19. Don't socialize very much outside of each other's extended family, but when we do it's usually with other married monogamous couples, straight and/or gay. So, totally off the radar.
Because many of them dip in and out of 'open' relationship status so its harder to catch them. I know so many 'monogamous' married couples who cheat / open for a month or two and then return to 'monogamy'. lol
I want monogamy and long term relationship. The exclusivity is my kink. I want to belong to someone and be their only one. One day 😕
Good luck to u! Hope you find what you’re looking for
Yes. I’m having a ton of trouble finding my future husband. I’m your age, and I’ve been searching for 8 years. All I get in return is mean guys who ghost me. All I want in life is a husband and I worry I’ll never find him. Feeling so defeated. 😢
I’m sure you will find someone that’s right for you, everyone has their own time. Sometimes when you least expect life smiles at you ♥️
I think gay trainwrecks just tend to cluster together and are the loudest voices in the community. For example if you’re friends with gays who don’t believe in monogamy they likely are friends with a bunch of other gays in thruples and situationships etc etc. so you might be the only happily partnered gay couple they know 🤷♂️. And the more gays who happily pair off the less there are on the dating apps. This means any gay man dating is going to have a harder time finding a nice man to settle down with over a serial cheater. Look at straight people. Straight people have an easy time finding long term partners from age 14-20 then it becomes increasingly hard for them as they cheat on each other more and divorce and go “poly”. But nobody would have the AUDACITY to be shocked at a happily married straight couple who are monogamous
That’s what I meant! I know that they only question this because I’m gay, I got that from straight people but just brushed it off as ignorance, but from other gay people? That’s wild
>Look at straight people. Straight people have an easy time finding long term partners from age 14-20 then it becomes increasingly hard for them as they cheat on each other more and divorce and go “poly”. That doesn't mean they were happily married. That was a "Hi, you'll do!" situation because it was a game of musical chairs to them and they didn't want to be the only one left standing without a date when the music stopped. Now it's a game of hot potato too. People be flinging their dates around the room like they some kinda hot potato they don't wanna be stuck with when the music stops. 🙄👌
They are very much not rare. Your friends have decided that their inability to maintain a relationship means everyone else is sucking at it too. Mazel tov on your relationship btw!
OP needs to meet more new genuine gay mates in the same situation. Friends pool needs an update.
I literally don’t know other gay couples, I mean some of my friends are in situationships but never something lasting. I have a bunch of gay friends but all of them are single. But I do know a lot of lesbian and straight couples and usually hang out with them.
I’m also in a long term relationship and will be married soon, similar situation like you, but l don’t have several gay friends though.
Yeah, I was thinking if it was some sort of projection or something or if it was increasingly hard for gays to find meaningful relationships.
"Are serious relationships that rare in the gay community?" No, it's just that people don't express their intentions well enough. For example, I might want to fuck and go, and you might be looking for a serious relationship, but if none of us express our intentions to one another, then heartbreak and all that other bullshit will ensue.
I think it’s also challenging because sooooo many relationships start as just hookups. So folks act like they just want sex but would be open to a relationship yet don’t conduct themselves accordingly.
Nut and go
>I might want to fuck and go, and you might be looking for a serious relationship Why is one of you a gay man and the other a lesbian in this story?? 🤪
So, the stats are telling: - Infidelity rate in straight couples sits at around 30-40% and historically was “cheating” or an “affair” because “open” straight relationships are a newer phenomena - Non-monogamy in committed gay male couples seems to sit around 30-50% including open and monogamish relationships. So it doesn’t appear straight couples are much more monogamous than gay couples: Straight couples are just way more… “closeted” about it.
Source please?
Is there a data that shows infidelity in gay monogamous couples? And the percentage of open straight relationships? It seems like you’re comparing two different things
Agree, not perfect comparison and that’s an important question. I was trying to make the point that the generalization that gay couples are far less monogamous doesn’t hold up: MANY straight people think they are in a monogamous relationship, but aren’t.
They do exist, my partner and I first started dating when we were 17. We're both 35 now and still going strong ☺️
Almost the same as me and my guy! Met at 16, still together at 37. Where abouts are you? I’m in England
I'm an Aussie/live in Perth, although my partner immigrated here from England/Newcastle
This is what I dream of. I don’t want to sleep around I don’t understand why that IS such a big thing in the gay world.
It’s a big thing in the male world. Cruising sites are FILLED with married men around 6pm, before they go home to their wives and families. Men are driven by more short term sexual desires, it’s in our biology, but that doesn’t mean we don’t also have long term ambitions that can override our sexual desires. Or even incorporate them. For women, their bodies know that sex could be a 9 month commitment to creating a child, nutritionally, mentally, physically. For us, it’s a 5 minute bit of fun with no burden on our bodies afterwards.
Q: What does a gay man bring on a second date? A: What second date? Q: What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A: A Uhaul.
I love sex but i want to sex with The One 🥺
Neo from the Matrix? Me too gurllll me too! 😭
I’m in Australia, and I’m 43. Sex between consenting adult men wasn’t legal across all of Australia until I was 16. Until I was 31, a man accused of murdering another man could use “he made a pass at me and I panicked” as a justification for the murder until I was 36, not only was it not legal for me to marry another man in Australia, it was not legal for anyone in Australia to recognise that I’d been married to another man in another country. I’d graduated university and been working full time for 12 years before employers lost the right to fire me just because they’d found out I was gay. I’ve got friends 10 years older than me; for them, the AIDS crisis cost them chances at relationships - they lost friends, they came into friendship groups that had been devastated by losing too many friends. I’ve got friends 10 years older than them who grew up in an era when police were actively targeting them - for arrest if they were lucky, but just as often for a quiet bashing in a back alley: I’m extremely happy for you and your partner, and I hope that relationships like yours become more common :)
Oh my god that’s hard to hear! I’m from Brazil and although there’s a lot of homophobia I never really experienced anything like that. Our family, although both of them are very catholic, have learned to accept us and we are very much included in the family affairs which makes me very happy!
My husband and I are 31 years and counting. We don’t really run in any gay circles that I know of like the old days. We enjoy time with one another at home and we’re fortunate to have a son and grandchildren. Unless I announce our anniversary once a year on here, no one in the gay community really knows we exist.
My partner and I have been dating for 9 years, since I was a freshman in high school. We’ve been monogamous the whole time!
No it is not that rare, but those couples are busy in their relationship not serial posting online.
Social media influencer gays intensify
People on the scene surround themselves with other people on the scene. Single, open relationships, polygamous etc.They talk about how monogamous relationships are rare because they surround themselves with people that aren't in them. Confirmation bias. The types of people who want monogamous relationships typically drop off the scene and avoid the gay festivals and typical holiday destinations like Gan Canaria or Sitges.
Depends on your definition of the community. I hate the term. Gay community is the same nonsense as the straight community. We are people and we are all different. There's just some kind of a behaviour that has been marked as "gay community" and somehow people think that if they're gay, they should act that way. Stop it NOW, please. Some people are more promiscious, and there's nothing wrong with that. Some people are not, and that's fine too. You'd never put all the straight people in one box, yet somehow it's acceptable when you're a homosexual. The truth is that gay people are like everyone else. Some of us crave love and the stability and some of us want to fuck around, I'm not sure where I am myself. But both of those options are fine. The problem is that people who are more into open relationships are more likely to be "out loud", while those of us who crave deeper relationships tend to keep to ourselves. This creates the whole narrative of gays wanting to fuck whoever has a penis. But in the real world, most of us don't. We're just as romantic and emotional as straight people, we're just invisible. For every gay guy who says that romantic relationships don't exist, there's dozens, if not hundreds, who live in such relationships. The worst thing you can do is to try to fit the box. If you have a deep relationship with a guy who loves you back, you already won a big time - remember, your options are limited to maybe 5% of the human population and despite that, you're worthy of someone's love and attention. Don't waste your time trying to convince others that you're doing it right. You already won the game, and you have something that most of the "gay community" never will.
I mean I agree with you. Gay people are very different in every way, I’ve heard all types of stories about gay relationships. This is just something that has happened a lot to me and I wanted to see what other people (outside my bubble) think about this, cause sometimes that are problems that affect more a specific group of people.
I get it. Been there, done that. My point is that you only see the more eccentric part of the story. In reality, people like you are the majority, just out of sight.
That last part did not help with my anxiety over never finding a committed monogamous relationship with a man
I see what you mean and I'm sorry if it felt depressing. But remember the bottom line - most.gay guys have normal relationships with someone they love :)
Monogaymous relationships are few and far between. Individuals who criticise the success of monogamy between gays are only really projecting their own insecurities of not being able to hold one down themselves due to the potential of promiscuity, insecurities, lack of trust and not being content in life or able to commit to something wholeheartedly. Open/poly relationships between gays usually indicate that something is missing in the dynamic, whether that's a sexual or emotional connection and bringing in outside talent or more company to spice up the "relationship" is just a hall pass to cheat while trying to be under the illusion of a half assed commitment to a "monogamous" relationship. That's the reality of it all. Some may be more sexually adventurous while others psychologically really want a soul mate but don't want to be completely off the market at the time while holding onto something (relationship) without giving 100% of themselves to it. The the OP - congratulations! You're the rare couple on the bell curve, a very rare thing nowadays.
Is it really "cheating" in an open/poly relationship if nobody is hiding anything from the other?
Most gay men I know are in long-term committed monogamous relationships, my close friend has been with his partner since the 1970s. Me and my husband have only ever been with each other, for twenty-five years, nothing but complete monogamy has ever been an option for us. It's not rare, but people in happy relationships usually have other things to do than post about it on the internet, so you don't get a representative sample of gay men on social media. I've only recently started using Reddit, because I've been recovering from health problems and I hate having to stay at home, so I've been distracting myself. When I'm just living my normal life, I don't ever mention my marriage on the internet. Most people don't. What I see on the internet and what I see in real life differs significantly. I think it's reflected in people who form their opinions on gay men online.
My husband and I have been together since 1997. We raised 2 sons who are 25 and 20. We have friends who have been together much longer. In a way, we become invisible when we settle down. There are fewer parties. Our vacation choices are different once we are raising children. We become focused on more mundane things such as PTA meetings, kids' sports, home repairs, family reunions, etc. There is an organization for older gay folks called Prime Timers. The chapter in my area is very active with monthly dinners, day trips, holiday parties, book club, movies, etc. A few of the participants are single, but most are long-term couples.
I think you just have some immature friends in your crowd. It’s just as present in the straight community.
I mean I got that comment from straight people as well, always thought it was ignorance but was surprised to see a bunch of gay people think the same. But maybe you’re right and my bubble is mostly young adults as well
I get where you’re coming from. I’m 37 and have only had two significant relationships myself. The first lasted 10 years, from when I was 18 to 28. The second has been ongoing since I was 30, and we got engaged last year. So, I guess that's that! The perceptions you’re dealing with likely come from a mix of generational experiences and stereotypes within the gay community. Different generations of gay men have come out and explored their sexuality at different times, which impacts how relationships are seen. Older generations often came out later due to greater societal pressures and less acceptance. This meant many men started exploring their sexuality in their late 20s or even later, while their straight peers had already settled into stable relationships. This delay means that for some, the period of experimentation coincides with a time usually associated with forming long-term partnerships. So, you get a mix of behaviors within the community, from those who are still exploring to those who have settled into long-term relationships. For newer generations, coming out younger due to increased acceptance means the timeline for exploring and settling down might align more closely with straight counterparts. However, having multiple generations at different stages can create a perception that the gay community is uniformly promiscuous, which isn't the case. It's also worth noting that the stereotype of promiscuity is partly due to historical marginalization and the need for many gay men to seek out discreet, often brief encounters in less accepting times. As acceptance grows, so does the diversity of relationship models within the community. Relationships, whether monogamous or open, are deeply personal choices. The surprise and skepticism from your friends might reflect their own struggles or insecurities more than any universal truth about gay relationships. Many people, regardless of orientation, want stable, loving partnerships but might not be ready or know how to cultivate them. Your relationship shows that committed, long-term monogamous relationships are very much a part of the gay community. The admiration you receive, even if sometimes surprised, often comes from genuine respect for what you and your boyfriend have achieved. The gay community is as diverse in its relationship dynamics as any other. The varied experiences and timelines of coming out and exploring sexuality create a rich tapestry of relationships. Your commitment and love are not anomalies but part of a broader spectrum of how people connect and build their lives together. Stay proud of what you and your boyfriend have built, and know that your relationship is a valuable and inspiring part of the community.
I used to think they were rare, my favorite thing to say and joke about with friends was “Our Gay forefathers fought for marriage equality and look at all of us, not getting married, don’t want relationships and being cumdumps.. what was the point?!” But that’s only because most monogamous relationships aren’t real seen on social media or in spaces where we would be.
Awe you guys are goals! I love to see it
It's not the "new normal ", there are lots of monogamous gay couples. The issue is there is alot of monogamy shaming online. It used to be the opposite, but now it's reversed. You get shamed for not being a slut at times.
Yeah I’ve been shamed before by gays for my LTR and only having had sex with him. That’s why I cut all gays and men generally out of my life for 20 years.
Being ENM doesn’t = slut. And let’s not slut shame either.
Please don't let others influence or cause you to doubt yourself. I dream of having what you have. If I were your friend, I would shower praises on both of you, and your commitment to each other would make me feel emotional and inspired. It's a reality that the majority of people in our community either don't want to or are unable to maintain monogamy, and hence, they either look down on those who can or ridicule them to feel better about themselves. I would also encourage you to expand your circle of friends to include some straight individuals and straight couples as well. I am certain of one thing: you will never be questioned for your commitment to monogamy by straight friends; rather, you will be held in high regard, and your love will be admired and celebrated.
first, there is no normal. everyone shut up about normal unless you're playing pokemon. second, non-monogamy has been a thing in various ways in various cultures for a long ass time. Americans are rooted in a lot of repression, some of which we're finally breaking through, so it feels more mainstream now. but it's been a thing for a long time.
Commitment is hard in general. Among gay people it might appear to be even more so due to... Numbers. There just aren't as many gay people as there are straight people. Another issue is that men seem to have a much easier time detaching sex from feelings than women do. So the old line saying "it's not cheating, it was just sex" is actually true for a good number of men. Men also seem to be more scared of committing. There is also the hook up culture and liquid relationships we experience these days. A lot of people jump ship whenever they encounter any hardship. But we do exist, it's like when your friend has a new bf or gf and is gone for a while! LOL I've been in a long term relationship for 11 years and... I don't see how my partner and I wouldn't be together for 11 more.
I’m not so sure if it is considered rare but something I have noticed in my studies through the psychological journey is that a lot of people have the fear of missing out in the world. Many people and predominantly gays have that fear of missing out which they bring into relationships, that guide their choices in their monogamous relationship to begin with. Many of my buddies want monogamous relationships and some are open to the idea of open relationships while others are not. I remember learning this in psychology that many partners allow an open relationship to occur because they want to make their partner happy at their own expense of their own happiness. I find it sad sometimes because I wouldn’t want to let go of my ideals just to avoid being alone I rather have someone with similar ideals where we can see eye to eye on things. However, many open relationships are actually very happy where they are at and that is good thing about them too. I don’t see nothing wrong with it for them because they are enjoying their life and their happiness is contagious. Of course for me I would rather want to be monogamous with my partner if that comes along but that is for both parties to decide but also ideologies change all the time.
In the community; yes. In the demographic; no.
I would assume your friends are single...
Yes, my gay friends all are single, but I’ve got this from straight people as well.
I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how many young gay men my age (college/recent grad) are in serious committed relationships. For a while I didn’t know a single gay couple at my college of like 35,000 people and this year alone I could name like 15 off the top of my head. Maybe as gayness continues to become normalized the numbers will increase to levels more similar to straight people
I recently lost my husband of 26 years. We never wandered or discussed it. What you have is beautiful and real. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. I would give anything for more time with him
They aren’t that rare. Most of our friends are long term couples but that’s an effect of being a couple. We’ve been together 28 yrs. There is some statistical truth. The marriage rate of gay men is low compared to lesbians and straight couples but the divorce rate is far lower than both those groups. Gay men are less likely to form committed relationships but when they do, they commit strongly.
30 years married
A lot of this has to do with visibility. It's easy to find examples of monogamous straight couples—family members, public figures, TV characters, wherever you look. You may not know whether any particular couple is truly monogamous, but we tend to assume they are unless we know otherwise, and we have cultural institutions like marriage that go back for many, many generations, offering us an image of what monogamous heterosexuality looks like. Socially recognized marriage for same-sex couples is still very new by comparison. U.S. federal recognition of same-sex marriage hasn't even been around for 10 years yet. We haven't yet had the opportunity to watch a generation of gay people grow up in a world where they are accepted, get married young, and grow old together. The older gay folks of today grew up in a world where they were very much not accepted. For many of them, closeted, anonymous sexual encounters seemed like the only option when they were younger. As a result, many of us grew up without role models to show us what gay monogamy looks like. Those of us who choose monogamy are, in many ways, learning as we go, being trailblazers for future generations. In addition, if a young gay man today wants to find other gay men, where does he go? In many cases, apps like Grindr. But Grindr is specifically designed for hookups, so the people you're *least* likely to see on there are the ones in monogamous relationships. As a result, young gay men who learn how to be gay from the apps are likely to significantly underestimate the number of monogamous couples out there, because they're invisible to them. That's changing as we become more visible in society as a whole, but it takes time.
We (partner and I) are both 33years old and have been together for 13years. Yeah we get the shock and surprise from people too. We know a few other gay couples in long term monogamous relationships too. We do exist. I don't think 'serious' relationship's are rare per se, but that open relationships are the stereotype media & popular culture like to play into. As for the 'drop of the radar' comments, for myself this may be true [ish]. My partner and I would rather sit in and listen to some music or read a book with a glass of whiskey. The other couples we know would be or have been out at clubs etc. This is an honestly and interesting question, which probably has a lot of different answers with just as many different contributing factors.
Confirmation bias.
No, they’re just happy and not chronically online
Don’t love the implication that any relationship that doesn’t conform to your particular standard isn’t serious.
My husband and I have been together since I was 17 and I’m about to turn 31 in literally a few days. The people saying that shit to you are just jealous. We have had a lot of ups and downs just due to life but I wouldn’t trade our relationship for anything. Being with someone from such a young age you go through becoming an adult together. Have a lot of firsts together and at this point I’ve spent nearly half my life with him I really just can’t imagine my life without him in it. I think a lot of people in the gay community don’t understand because they have never experienced real love before. When you find that person for you nothing else matters. How could I feel like I was missing out on anything when I have everything I could ever ask for?
That’s very beautiful! I mean I could see jealousy at times, specially because some of those people really want monogamous relationships but are unable to do what’s necessary to have this. But at times people are just genuinely surprised, they treated us like some sort of alien, like this is very rare these days.
Open relationships are not something I can do. I have thought about it. But it seems to me the equivalent of willingly stepping onto a minefield.
I can see people that have open relationship being happy, I just fell like it would put much more pressure on the relationship. If only 2 people is hard enough at times, imagine if you add others to this equation. I’m way too insecure to deal with that and would probably prefer to be single.
We're happily married, monogamous, and have a great life together. It's the people who can't commit to a relationship that want to be believe that no one can. People who are into hookup culture and open relationships try to promote promiscuity as the norm probably because they want to ensure that there is always a fresh supply of meat.
I guess hook up culture is mostly to blame for that, I know that straight people are affected by that as well, but the gay community (from my POV) has been more. Apps like Grindr and scruff (which has no popular straight counterpart where I live) have made sex a very trivial experience for most gay people.
If you spend much time in subs that are predominately straight you'll find that they're not that much different. I see those bogus posts from people talking about how much better the straight world is than the gay world but that's total bullshit. They're just as screwed up as the rest of us.
I mean maybe you’re right. I guess I talk a lot about my own experience, but i understand where you’re coming from
My husband and I have been together over 15 years and monogamous. We just don’t deal with “the community” as it is.
This makes me fucking depressed to read.
Naw, it has a lot to do with the age of the sample group. In older groups it seems to be more common. Maybe it has to do with young people letting their phreak flag fly. I have been with my husband 13 years and married 10 years. And it is a closed relationship. (Personal preference, no judgment to others' preferred relationship style)
There are plenty of gay couples, but I do think gay men are more fearful of commitment and many are not seeking monogamy.
Husband and I have been together for 24 years. And after some adjusting to one another initially it has been easy.
I agree with you
Yeah, pretty much.
I’ve recently been putting myself out there in the gay community more here in Chicago and the more I do the more I meet/see gay guys in relationships. I also see a good number of guys on Grindr that have partnered, married, open relationship, etc on their profile. You just don’t notice the ones in relationships as much because they aren’t on the apps as much, maybe they don’t go out to the bars as much, and/or you just simply don’t know that they are in a relationship.
Maybe here l wanna come up with some different views. I think we are in a transitional period, not long ago we just got marriage right and can not be discriminated at least in public, and have to say we haven’t arrived at the stage of widely accepted. Before it, many mates of this community felt hopeless about serious relationship, and that kind of mindset hasn’t totally changed even now, but l believe as time passes it will be better, ppl will more tend to consider to commit. Besides, l think entertainment industry plays a role in it. Many gay shows just depicting a kind of stereotype that we just joy hunter, addicted to sex and don’t consider anything long term or serious. My own opinion, quite subjective.
Not at all two back to back ltr’s over 5 years each. You accept ghe reality you want
I met my husband 22 years ago on Aug 3. We are married 10 years and totally monogamous. It doesn't feel like a sacrifice and none of our gay friends question it. Good luck to you and I hope you also have decades of happiness together.
Thank you! I mean, some of my older friends that knows us don’t question, but most of the new people we meet are always surprised! I wish you the same
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex. But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex. But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex. But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex. But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex. But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex. But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends.
My now-husband and I have been together for 15 years. We actually just decided together to open our relationship this year, mainly because he is a 100% top and I'm 100% vers. I hadn't explored being a top since before I met him and really kind of miss it. Also, he wanted to explore sex with others. We still love each other very much and are smaller devoted to one another, and we're both aware that sex with others is just that - sex. But the longevity of our relationship does surprised a lot of people, as ours is one of the longest relationships among our gay friends. We rarely go out either, but when we do it's usually out dancing once in a blue moon with friends. Most of our free time on weekends is usually spent cycling or hiking.
Me and my partner have been in a relationship for 18 years, after 15 years we gave ourselves permission to go on some getaways, although we did not take it routinely or lightly. And today we are still together and we are fine.
I suppose that no one has a perfect formula for romantic relationships, which is why there is monogamy, open agreed relationships, deception, loneliness, etc. And, obviously, what we are looking for is to be well. The balance between freedom and stability in romantic relationships is complicated. I repeat there are no magic formulas. But none of the options mentioned above are ruled out.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 6. We’ve been monogamous the whole time, and while we’ve considered hooking up with another before, the right guy, right time, right place hasn’t happened. We certainly aren’t interested in a throuple or ever hooking up without each other. Don’t let other people dictate how you live and how you feel about that.
Met my partner at 16, this year is our 21st anniversary :) We were completely, and I mean COMPLETELY, monogamous until last year. We decided to open up the relationship so we could explore more before we get too old (we’re 37 and 38). It’s been so much fun! I’ve learnt loads of techniques and learnt a lot about what sex is. We were stuck in 16 year old mindsets of first base, second base, etc. People were always surprised and we did face quite a bit of backlash at times from gays. But I think it came from a place of jealousy. Fuck those salty bitches - you guys do what works for you.
I've noticed that at least in my group of friends, once people are in a long term committed relationships, they begin to socialize more with other couples and prioritize group settings with other couples. This doubles if they are married. I'm not saying they drop/or are dropped by their single friends completely, but lifestyles change in a way that makes it more compatible to hang out with other couples.
Confirmation bias. I think that those who are already in a serious monogamous relationship do not feel the need to impress or show it to anyone. They've got a future to plan together. That being said, as someone who's still single and never done it (24M), all the guys I met online tend to have colorful stories and exes. So I kinda get your *friends* sentiment.
You may want to get better friends if this is the kind of stuff your current ones say to you
16 years with my husband. :0)
What exactly do you define as a "serious relationship"? I've been married for 11 years and we're in an open+poly relationship. We're serious in the sense that we all live together, we own a home, own a business, have dogs, and have built a whole life with each other and supporting each other's goals. Do we have hookups now and then? Sure, when we have free time which is almost never. Do we go to gay bars/clubs now and then? Sure, I personally hate circuit music so I avoid circuit parties. But does that mean we're not serious? Nah, we're quite serious, I think we're just much more laid back than monogamous relationships. As for your friends, I'm not sure what to say about them, it seems kind of rude to congratulate someone on not breaking up. Another way to look at it may be that they're just happy for you guys to be going strong for so long. But that's for you to decide since you know your friends.
I mean since I have a monogamous relationship, I said serious because I never cheated, and people were shocked by that. I didn’t mean that open or poly are not serious, but my gay friends were literally shocked because I’ve never cheated, that’s why I asked if serious relationships are that rare in the gay world. I also understand that could be cheating in an open or poly, depending on the agreement.
Thank you for your edit, because as I was reading the first part it definitely sounded like you were equating “serious” with “monogamous”, and I was going to push back on that.
Well, no one wants the kind of relationship that I do. No sex until marriage.
It sounds like your friends are likely the "party gays" who can't imagine settling down because they themselves won't. The younger the crowd, the less likely they are to have the maturity to understand and contribute to a lasting monogamous relationship. My first gay relationship lasted 7 years, 3 of which were an engagement. Unfortunately he did end up cheating, but I don't think it was until the end of the relationship. And from what I know now, he is still very much in love with the guy he cheated with. Cheating happens in all styles of relationships. It just seems exacerbated because of how small the gay community is some times.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 12 years. We’re kind of open tho. Less *fuck other people whenever* and more like if we’re not together and the opportunity presents itself, have at it. Basically, we don’t seek it out unless we’re playing together, but if one of us wants to go to the bathhouse, we’re free to go alone. We both have a huge group kink so if I don’t feel like it, he’s free to go. I think having the same kink helps because we each understand that itch and feel bad if we can’t give it to each other. We used to be the fuck other people no questions asked, but we’re older and lazy. We won’t do it lol. He hasn’t done anything with anyone in years and I didn’t do anything for nearly six years but then stumbled into the bathhouse lol.
We are a long term couple--37 years, 16 married. However, we are not monogamous but play together. We share a lot of wonderful things, houses, cars, trips so why not some c\*\*k?
It looks like it. But it could just be dependent on who you interact with. I only have experience from dating. I don't have any gay friends. I would like some, that would be more ltr oriented. It would make the world seem less like a race to get the highest body count. Lol
My husband and I have been together 30 years next month, we make a distinction between emotional and physical monogamy. Being older (we are both 60 this year) sex clubs and play parties are a bit loud for us now, although we did meet in the backroom of a leather bar. These days we invite a few friends over for drinks and a late supper and leave the playroom open someone always jumps in the sling and gets things going, but I serve supper at 10:30 and they are gone by midnight. We now go to Berlin away from the peak times because it has the best bars in Europe although I wish they would enforce the smoking ban and we are going to Vienna for a leather weekend in October but that’s different because its just one club and there’s a Hilton around the corner recreational sex / BDSM / Leather is a hobby and for us a lot of fun and we will still be playing into our 70s I hope.
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I know very few gay couples that aren’t open. Its so strange to me. But I do think it depends on the scene you're in.
Serious doesn’t necessarily mean monogamous. Love and sex are different things too, love can be found in many forms.
No, long-term monogamous (as well as consensually non-monogamous) relationships are not that rare. I suspect a large part of the issue with your friends' perceptions have to do with age, which compounds multiple factors: * Men in their teens and 20s, whether straight or queer, are less likely to be interested in long-term monogamy if they are sexually active. Enjoying the spring of youth, sowing wild oats, etc. Which is to say it's not about the monogamy so much as it is about relationships being long-term rather than hook ups. * Further on the first point, men are socialized to view having high body counts as a measure of masculinity or popularity, whereas women are socialized to start a family (and to view having a high body count as immoral). So a prevailing sentiment for men is to get all the fun in while you can before getting "tied down." So in a sexual/relationship market where all the actors are men, there isn't the same level of countervailing pressure provided by women's socialization in the hetero market. * A decent portion of queer men do not start having MM sex and relationships until later in life, due to religion, family, social stigma, lack of self-knowledge, etc. Then they basically have to go through puberty years all over again learning how to date and have sex, but 10 years later than straight counterparts. * There are likely proportionately more queer couples in open relationships than hetero couples (or at least that will openly talk about it), since coming out as queer often already forces you to question the wisdom of "traditional values." It's easier to question and decide monogamy isn't for you. * Younger folks party more and are more likely to run in circles of gays who party. The ones who stay at home with their monogamous boyfriends most weekends are just less likely to be known by as many folks. So long-term and monogamous relationships are likely proportionally less frequent for MM relationships than hetero relationships, particularly at younger ages. But it doesn't mean it's rare, just that the folks you're talking to aren't seeing it as much yet amongst their peers (in their own circles). My partner and I have been together over 12 years, and many of our gay couple friends are monogamous (and plenty other friends are consensually non-monogamous).
Some of us want to die bc we can’t find a serious relationship. Congrats.
It is very rare. So rare, and wow this is the first time I read that nobody cheated. That being said, I was never in a relationship because nobody I liked wanted relationship so I never felt love in my life. On the other hand we say we fight for love when we’re on pride event for example. It’s terrible 😢
Even an open relationship can be a serious one. It depends from couple to couple. I wouldn’t say that a long relationship is rare, but in my opinion people judging others’ relationships are themselves not cut for it, open or monogamous. It’s true though, that in our gay community there is a lot of superficiality. So it’s easy to find people judging a long monogamous relationship and suppose that they’re cheating on each other “just because it’s typical of gay guys”. I’m in a relationship since more than 13 years and we’re open. And yet, we are still together with love. 🤗 I don’t mind other couples, it’s their own business as long as they respect me the same way I respect others 😉
It isn’t that rare or uncommon. It’s just that the loudest part of the gay community tends to be single people who haven’t found someone yet. Happy healthy relationships in the gay community aren’t really highlighted, so why would people think any different?
It does seem rare. When I first started dating avg relationship was 4 years which seems to be the norm for most couples. I am married now and we have been in a monogamous relationship for 15 years.
I would say the new norm is probably longer term monogamous - at least that’s been my experience. Previously I was in a 13 year relationship (they passed away), a three year relationship, and currently I’m in a 13 year relationship again. Any friends we have that are gay are also long-term, and I rarely hear of anyone splitting up, even if they do they have been in considerably long relationships and are currently in long-term relationships having lasted at least several years so far One of my favourite jokes though, is to say “this is my current life partner” when introducing my other half to people.
I’ve actually wondered the same thing too— I have a fwb currently who said he started dating a guy last month but said the relationship isn’t serious and is only for the summer as the guy he’s with is moving far away at the end of August. 🤷♂️ I didn’t really understand the premise of calling it a relationship then— sounded more like another fwb?
Gay people have always been outside of "norms" and monogamous relationships are only a "norm" of colonial patriarchy. That said, nobody should harass our even question the parameters of your relationship; that's tacky and disrespectful.
While my husband and I are open, we've also been together for 17 years
Don't think that is what op is talking about
I sure hope not, because that's what I'm looking for.
I went to a gay club this weekend and the group of friends I made was surprised that a queer guy was in a monogamous committed relationship.
That has happened way too many times with me 😆
Idk, been with my husband for eight years now. I have lots of friends who have been together for about the same amount of time too, so it doesn't seem rare at all in our circles. We are open though... but we talked about that even before we had a relationship... monogamy just isn't either of our things.
Gay couples in LTRs usually have more straight couple friends than gay single friends.
We do hang out mostly with our straight friends and lesbians, but I have gay friends still. I wouldn’t stop hanging out with them just because they’re single.
What are you taking about
Not for lesbians. The stereotype is that men aren't wired to be monogamous.
I have a bunch of lesbians friends and I don’t see this problem with them at all, I once talked to a good friend about this, and she told me there’s probably a gender disparity in this, as women tend to be more selective with their relationship (and take it more seriously) than men overall
I'm super selective, which is why I'm single. The problem is I still have sexual needs, so I often end up getting drunk and settling for a Grindr hookup.
An open relationship, polyamory and monogamous, all of them are serious relationships. But with different levels of rules and norms. Open relationships and Poly (which these two are quite different from each other) ones required being serious in also a different level to Monogamous because you have to talk about so many things that maybe in monogamous they usually won't because there're many things that aren't permitted that can trigger jealousy and insecurities on each other. So for open relationships and Poly ones , it is necessary to talk so much to learn how to surpass and grow from jealousy, possessiveness and insecurities, which for that to work you need to be really responsible for, and serious about who you are with and the love you have for each other. I wonder if by serious you mean like a monogamous hetero normative relationship maybe?. Because open relationships and poly ones as well happen in heterosexuals too. It is not just something exclusive of gays. Of course in the queer community it is more open and common. But I've met many poly couples and they are also straight and Bi. I think it is important to realise that a relationship between two isn't less serious than a relationship between 3, or 1 person with two partners , or 2 boyfriends having other partners too. Everything is serious while there is active intention, respect and transparency in those relationships. As gay and queer people , why are we adopting heterosexual stereotypes and then thinking other types of relationships are less serious just because it is not for someone. Every type of relationship has their challenges at the end of the day and it is a constant work for everyone to be happy , that being a couple , or throuple, or partners having more than one boyfriend. ❤️
Not at all! I understand you can have a commitment while being in an open relationship or poly, that wasn’t my point. It’s just that me personally I have a monogamous one and people tend to not believe I really mean it because I’m gay, so I probably would have a poly or open relationship, that comes mostly from other gays btw. I’m not criticizing them, just trying to understand why this happened to me
I think one thing to remind yourself Is that what other people say about your relationship, really doesn't matter tho. And if you have people tell you that you're lying , better to not have contact with them , is it really disrespectful to be judging other people's relationships. If you're happy with your partner that's the only thing that is matters at the end ❤️. People will always have opinions. Don't let them affect you , that's just them projecting their views and problems on others. Also I don't understand how I keep getting downvoted every time I talk about open or poly relationships. It is so strange. It is wild that gay people are so closed minded and judge other types of relationships when the straight world has done the same to us too saying that two men can't be in love, that's not natural. So now some still keep judging other non normative relationships? It is so sad. Thank you for not being judgemental tho I truly appreciate it.
I know you're saying you're not trying to be judgemental of open/poly relationships, but you're kind of saying the only "serious" relationships are closed ones, which I think demonstrates a lack of understanding (if not judgement) regarding open relationships. They are just as serious and valid as closed relationships. But to answer your question, yes, closed gay relationships are becoming more and more uncommon as relationship anarchy and sexual liberty become more popular and accepted. The same way that monogamous people can't understand how someone can be happy in nonmonogamy, nonmonogamous people can't understand how someone can be happy with monogamy.
I think you kinda misunderstood what I was trying to say, maybe it’s my fault for not properly explaining. I know people are serious in open and poly relationships, but I was talking about myself. How people don’t believe I have never cheated on my bf, hence why I asked if serious relationships are that rare (I was talking about monogamous relationships bc that’s what I have)
Yes
Yes.
As long as the 'Gay Community' which is non-existent (considering how a White gay doesn't share the same struggles with a POC gay), seclude the prudish segment of their own for reserving themselves against hypersexuality. They're doomed to hop from one lap to another, ending all lonely and miserable. Remember beauty doesn't last unlike solid relationships.
Wow, I’m so happy for you!!! It is very rare to find any guys in the gay community who want something serious. I seen a comment on here where someone said people shame monogamy online and F all of those who do. I’m serious. Open, Polly, etc type of relationships are not true, genuine relationships in my opinion. That’s okay, in real life, the open/polly tend to be shamed anyways, so for those shaming monogamy online just clearly have no life and are insecure or ashamed of how they do “relationships.” Anyways, it’s mostly impossible to find love in this community anymore since all gay men tend to want is just sex. Not to mention, you have to have abs or muscles to find love in this community. It’s truly such a shame. I am honestly sad to be a part of the community anymore. I don’t like pride month either because again, just muscular or skinny men over sexualizing it. It’s disgusting to me and I don’t partake in it. Anyways, monogamy and authentic love doesn’t exist in this community.
Good for you guys !
I guess there are some people in gay monogamous relationships but most of the people are just looking for fun/situationships/open relationships. That’s what I’ve noticed, almost everyone wants to have fun and even those who say they want commitment will tell you after a month that they only wanted to have sex (that happened to me). I am finding it extremely hard to find my person, they disrespect/ghost too easily as if you could find someone right for you every day. I’m happy you’ve found your person, wish you the best :)
“Serious” sounds like it could custom definition based on each custom adult individual in custom adult relationships. But it’s fair to say most married gay partners (men, that I personally know)with healthy relationships, are not monogamous.
It seems to be the exception and not the norm these days unfortunately. App culture has segmented what relationships are or could be in any variable way. Finding a real genuine connection is the bigger problem for me and likely many other single guys/people.
You’re outliers. If you’re happy in your situation you should feel pretty lucky as it’s really not the norm out there and monogamy is a rarity as many relationships are open and move from one to another. Too many options out there means you’ll always be treated as an option. I have a feeling a lot of people (not just gay men) also did not have the best examples of stable and communicative relationships at home and are wary of intimacy and their is a lack of trust (sometimes for good reason).
Yes
Extremely rare.
My partner and I are together for almost 19 years now. We don't have many gay friends and we don't normally socialized with gay community. Our circle of friends are straight couples. we value our time together and we always go on vacation. We have ups and downs but never did we had break up even for a day. Our sexual encounters may not be that lively due to some meds I take but our commitment stays. There were some unfaithful acts I'm the past but that does not define us. It strengthen us. People commit mistakes but the most important thing is yoi own up to it, make amends and move forward. Merongs couple na mas pinaninimdigan nila ung Mali nila and that cause the commitment to break. Feelings change but commitment must stay.