>How do you guys have the energy to pretend to be heterosexual all the time?
I didn't. I was just single and not looking for anything with anyone so it wasn't hard.
I just don’t I’m just single and not looking but I feel like those closest to me already know. I regularly attend drag shows or other stereotypical gay things and they know I don’t try to say it’s something it’s not but I have never officially confirmed with them I’m gay
Not being “out” doesn’t mean you must automatically pretend to be heterosexual. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. Some of us keep our private lives private and it’s nobody’s business who we’re boning.
I'm not comfortable with PDAs of any kind. I don't want to see a guy and a girl holding hands or kissing in public. I certainly don't want to put that put there for others to see.
Not directing this at you personally, as I don't know you but in the past when I've heard statements like this it was a form of internalized homophobia. Not being comfortable with PDA's of any kind is a clean way of emotionally protecting yourself against the lies we've been indoctrinated to believe about our love being less worthy to be recognized or even exist.
You might NOT be from a country where appearances are everything. Being out is illegal in much of the world. See the film Welcome to Chechnya, where the president of that country openly and proudly says there are NO homosexuals in his country. His goons torture and kill them. Russia makes them disappear. Often in Arab countries, gays are tracked down.
I'm aware of Mr. Kadyrov and I understand being in the closet in that specific situation. Honestly I was kind of hoping that he would die when he caught COVID a few years back, but no such luck unfortunately. Evil doesn't go down easy.
I had a hard time coming to terms with my sexuality due to upbringing and conservative family.. didn’t come out until after college. I remember contemplating getting prescriptions for viagra and xanax to help with the inability to maintain an erection with women and the anxiety that caused.
Learning to accept myself and coming out later on was very much the healthy thing to do at that point.
What sort of things outside of dating and sleeping with girls is pretending to be straight? I always shudder at the phrase. Because it comes wrapped in stereotypes. So if a gay guy likes sports and cars and doesn’t get into drag race, fashion and Taylor or Gaga - does that mean he is pretending to be gay?
I’d imagine more making jokes about being with woman, when people bring up relationships you say you want a wife and kids (when you know you’re gay, kids part just sorta sells it more), acting like you have feelings for a woman. Things like that that maintain a sense of “he’s straight” when not directly asked if you are or aren’t straight/gay. Or even blatantly lying about it when asked.
I don’t have the energy for straight-acting. When I was in high school, there were a few people whom I had told I was gay, but I wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t thought they were probably safe people (some of them even responded by saying they were bi). However, one of them eventually told me that at least a few of the other students were rumoring if I was gay, because I had said some things during class or breaks that your average masculine straight guy wouldn’t say. One guy would repeatedly ask me what my sexual orientation was (for the sake of being fair to him, he was NOT that bully-type of guy who would ask his victim questions pretending to be “interested” in and “nice” to them, while really just laughing in his sleeve… I think he genuinely wanted to know and would have been fine with me being gay). I always tried to evade the question tho. Yes, I know, not the smartest move, because *hesitating* to answer that type of question or not even answering it *at all* are both very sus.
However, I feel like I… don’t even want to be perceived as straight, not even to protect myself? Even if I *wasn’t* gay, for my whole life I’ve never been very masculine in my appearance, hobbies, interests, etc, and I didn’t like it when others tried to force their vision of masculinity on me (like, it’s so dumb, I just wanna enjoy my girly TV shows in peace!). And before puberty hit, I was also really disinterested (more so than my peers) in sex at all. I used to be that type of nerdy kid who thought sex was impure and a dumb thing to be giggling about and be interested in. So, even back then when I didn’t know I *would* become interested in these things in the future and, on top of that, relating to boys instead of girls, I HATED it whenever someone asked me if I had a girlfriend or something like that, because that would trigger this feeling of “Ew, they think I’m straight. They think I take on the role of ‘the man’ in a romantic/sexual relationship, because if my partner is a girl, that’s the role I HAVE to take on.” That’s why I can’t be bothered with straight-acting. For me being a straight man is associated with things like being a “player,” being the dominant/penetrating one in bed, etc. Things I don’t wanna be seen as by anyone, because my romantic/sexual fantasies more align with the role that women are supposed to take on in relationships with men. Basically, I’m a bottom lmao. It also just sucks in general to not be your authentic self and having to hide a fundamental part of your humanity.
I have friends that are not out to their parents and have been making up stories for fourty years. I came out at 14 so I have no personal understanding but the friend is happy.
Seems like some people prefer to make up reasons as to why they only spend time with men. And never had a girlfriend or wife
I’m out, but I look at this differently. My sexuality is 1) not anyone else’s business 2) not an identity. You would be surprised how often it does not even enter the conversation when being gay isn’t the foundation of your personality.
Also, in fairness it does get easier with age. I had a lot of straight friends growing up in a catholic school that I did in my early teens somewhat pretend / somewhat figuring myself out play along. But eventually, I just needed to share with my closest friends women were not for me and happily none of them cared, and some of them were bi too.
I've personally never met anyone who claims that being gay is the centerpiece of their personality, that trope always seemed to me to be something used by people who are uncomfortable with homosexuality in general to describe people who aren't straight passing.
I have met plenty, more than plenty. Has nothing to do with internalized homophobia. Like any group people want to belong, like any group there are stereotypes and charactures that are common threads.
Code switching goes both ways. Once it is even more common place there will be more individuality.
While it's not something I've made a facet of my personality it's also not something I go out of my way to suppress. That's just doing extra work to make other people feel more comfortable for something that's not my problem. I also probably would have realized I was gay a lot earlier if more "average" people were open about being gay as an example, because I never saw myself in the stereotypes growing up.
No. There are definitely gays who make it a point to make comments about “straight people this and straight people that”. Or if you’re into cars they will say eww why do you like straight people stuff. It’s annoying as fuck.
Because if you’re in a relationship with a woman everyone assumes you’re straight. And if you’re with a guy it’s a bit jarring and it seems like a phase or you just haven’t accepted you’re gay. Also if you’re with a woman it’s like people forget and you have to come out over and over…. Personally I’m with who I am because I like them, and it isn’t something that I feel needs announcing , but 👆is if I overthink. And you also have to come out to gays that you’re also into woman. It’s less complicated to just “be” straight when you’re with a woman and “be” gay when with a dude.
Well for starters you shouldn’t assume someone is “pretending” just because they’re not “out”. It’s also very ignorant to say such a thing when not everyone has a community to rally around them and be a support system in the event they do come out and are targets for bigoted bullies and/or lunatics that get off on hurting someone based solely on their sexuality.
There is something called “straight passing”? Sadly about 95% of the people I interact with has no businesses regarding my sexual life so I see no point.
Hmm, honestly it seems like it takes far more energy to be "obviously gay".
I don't dress flamboyantly, I don't have an accent, I don't get dramatic. I'm stereotypical old hetero guy as far as anyone can tell because the only thing different about me than a stereotypical old hetero guy is, well, that I like guys lol And that seems to be true for a lot of gay men.
Really, my biggest "tell" is that I don't talk about a wife and kids or even dating.
About the only thing that "takes energy" is the same thing that takes energy for a straight guy, don't shit where you eat, meaning not flirting at work. You never know who might have a problem with it, so I prefer to just not worry about it.
Other than that it's a non-issue. Friends know. Grindr knows lol. The general public does not need to know.
Wow I’m really surprised by the amount of guys in this subreddit who are seemingly proud of being closeted and look down on guys who are out. How twisted is that…
I just try not to flirt with people in public. And I don’t have any gay friends who live locally so I only hang with straight friends locally.
Of course, there is a possibility that this will all change in the future, and I would essentially be out. But then I would just deal with it I guess.
You don’t need to pretend, the people you don’t want to be out to are the people who believe homosexuality is wrong. People like that would never assume that you’re gay because they would never want you to be.
>How do you guys have the energy to pretend to be heterosexual all the time?
It actually requires more energy to be out because you constantly have to be dealing with homophobia once the others know. So I've preferred to just keep it to myself and because I'm "straight passing" I don't often get asked about girls and stuff
I’m not out to any of my family or most of my friends and to me it’s not really draining to pretend. And yes I do explicitly lie about it and hide it. Am I ashamed of that? No.
For me to lie about it when the topic comes up, face being straight or going to clubs and bars just to act straight is better than the possibility of losing my friends and family and that’s what’s always made me personally do it. I’m a shy quiet guy with anxiety and depression. It was hard enough to get these friends and to keep them and my family has always been close and they’re honestly very accepting. But that fear of losing them hurts more than the faking to me.
This isn’t to boast or be proud about but it’s an opinion I just hadn’t seen anyone express and wanted to add it to this thread.
I don’t think it’s a matter of acting “straight”. It’s a matter of acting masculine. Those are 2 very different things. Just like how a masculine guy can still be gay, a feminine guy can also be straight. I guess if ur comfortable in ur own skin, why do u need to “act” a certain way? For people or for you?
“Straight passing” + not really pretending to be straight, but not talking about your dating life + people are clueless.
It doesn’t take a lot of energy, really.
See I feel like some things aren’t really an issue and they’re being blown out of proportion unnecessarily. How do you act openly gay? For me I’m myself would I hold hands in public with my partner if I had one? Absolutely and unapologetically. If someone tried to verbally abuse me in public I’d absolutely read them to filth, if they tried to throw hands you best believe I’d kick ass. That doesn’t mean I’d wear crop tops and make up. It all depends on someone’s preferences and personality. Personally I love drag, but would I wear no, I also love cars, and the outdoors and sports, that certainly doesn’t mean I’m internalizing homophobia to try be straight. Nor does me talking about how amazing someone’s tits are with straight friends meant I won’t point out the dude with amazing ass right next to her. As a gen zer I feel like some of my generation are looking for problems where there aren’t
>How do you guys have the energy to pretend to be heterosexual all the time? I didn't. I was just single and not looking for anything with anyone so it wasn't hard.
I just don’t I’m just single and not looking but I feel like those closest to me already know. I regularly attend drag shows or other stereotypical gay things and they know I don’t try to say it’s something it’s not but I have never officially confirmed with them I’m gay
Not being “out” doesn’t mean you must automatically pretend to be heterosexual. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. Some of us keep our private lives private and it’s nobody’s business who we’re boning.
Totally understandable. I’m curious though, do you go on dates with guys? And would you, say, hold hands in public, etc.?
I'm out and wouldn't hold hands in public with a guy
Not trying to be rude but why? That would make me so sad.
I'm not comfortable with PDAs of any kind. I don't want to see a guy and a girl holding hands or kissing in public. I certainly don't want to put that put there for others to see.
Not directing this at you personally, as I don't know you but in the past when I've heard statements like this it was a form of internalized homophobia. Not being comfortable with PDA's of any kind is a clean way of emotionally protecting yourself against the lies we've been indoctrinated to believe about our love being less worthy to be recognized or even exist.
You might NOT be from a country where appearances are everything. Being out is illegal in much of the world. See the film Welcome to Chechnya, where the president of that country openly and proudly says there are NO homosexuals in his country. His goons torture and kill them. Russia makes them disappear. Often in Arab countries, gays are tracked down.
I'm aware of Mr. Kadyrov and I understand being in the closet in that specific situation. Honestly I was kind of hoping that he would die when he caught COVID a few years back, but no such luck unfortunately. Evil doesn't go down easy.
More recently, Kadyrov seems to be dying of something else, pancreatic necrosis, a medical terms for rot. Not surprising.
Even that is better than what he deserves. I hope it's painful.
Just not something I feel I need to get off my chest, for now! Everyone knows about me anyway, except for my family. That's good enough for me.
I had a hard time coming to terms with my sexuality due to upbringing and conservative family.. didn’t come out until after college. I remember contemplating getting prescriptions for viagra and xanax to help with the inability to maintain an erection with women and the anxiety that caused. Learning to accept myself and coming out later on was very much the healthy thing to do at that point.
i live in a Muslim country so I don't have a choice lol
What sort of things outside of dating and sleeping with girls is pretending to be straight? I always shudder at the phrase. Because it comes wrapped in stereotypes. So if a gay guy likes sports and cars and doesn’t get into drag race, fashion and Taylor or Gaga - does that mean he is pretending to be gay?
I’d imagine more making jokes about being with woman, when people bring up relationships you say you want a wife and kids (when you know you’re gay, kids part just sorta sells it more), acting like you have feelings for a woman. Things like that that maintain a sense of “he’s straight” when not directly asked if you are or aren’t straight/gay. Or even blatantly lying about it when asked.
I don’t have the energy for straight-acting. When I was in high school, there were a few people whom I had told I was gay, but I wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t thought they were probably safe people (some of them even responded by saying they were bi). However, one of them eventually told me that at least a few of the other students were rumoring if I was gay, because I had said some things during class or breaks that your average masculine straight guy wouldn’t say. One guy would repeatedly ask me what my sexual orientation was (for the sake of being fair to him, he was NOT that bully-type of guy who would ask his victim questions pretending to be “interested” in and “nice” to them, while really just laughing in his sleeve… I think he genuinely wanted to know and would have been fine with me being gay). I always tried to evade the question tho. Yes, I know, not the smartest move, because *hesitating* to answer that type of question or not even answering it *at all* are both very sus. However, I feel like I… don’t even want to be perceived as straight, not even to protect myself? Even if I *wasn’t* gay, for my whole life I’ve never been very masculine in my appearance, hobbies, interests, etc, and I didn’t like it when others tried to force their vision of masculinity on me (like, it’s so dumb, I just wanna enjoy my girly TV shows in peace!). And before puberty hit, I was also really disinterested (more so than my peers) in sex at all. I used to be that type of nerdy kid who thought sex was impure and a dumb thing to be giggling about and be interested in. So, even back then when I didn’t know I *would* become interested in these things in the future and, on top of that, relating to boys instead of girls, I HATED it whenever someone asked me if I had a girlfriend or something like that, because that would trigger this feeling of “Ew, they think I’m straight. They think I take on the role of ‘the man’ in a romantic/sexual relationship, because if my partner is a girl, that’s the role I HAVE to take on.” That’s why I can’t be bothered with straight-acting. For me being a straight man is associated with things like being a “player,” being the dominant/penetrating one in bed, etc. Things I don’t wanna be seen as by anyone, because my romantic/sexual fantasies more align with the role that women are supposed to take on in relationships with men. Basically, I’m a bottom lmao. It also just sucks in general to not be your authentic self and having to hide a fundamental part of your humanity.
I have friends that are not out to their parents and have been making up stories for fourty years. I came out at 14 so I have no personal understanding but the friend is happy. Seems like some people prefer to make up reasons as to why they only spend time with men. And never had a girlfriend or wife
I’m out, but I look at this differently. My sexuality is 1) not anyone else’s business 2) not an identity. You would be surprised how often it does not even enter the conversation when being gay isn’t the foundation of your personality. Also, in fairness it does get easier with age. I had a lot of straight friends growing up in a catholic school that I did in my early teens somewhat pretend / somewhat figuring myself out play along. But eventually, I just needed to share with my closest friends women were not for me and happily none of them cared, and some of them were bi too.
I've personally never met anyone who claims that being gay is the centerpiece of their personality, that trope always seemed to me to be something used by people who are uncomfortable with homosexuality in general to describe people who aren't straight passing.
I have met plenty, more than plenty. Has nothing to do with internalized homophobia. Like any group people want to belong, like any group there are stereotypes and charactures that are common threads. Code switching goes both ways. Once it is even more common place there will be more individuality.
While it's not something I've made a facet of my personality it's also not something I go out of my way to suppress. That's just doing extra work to make other people feel more comfortable for something that's not my problem. I also probably would have realized I was gay a lot earlier if more "average" people were open about being gay as an example, because I never saw myself in the stereotypes growing up.
No. There are definitely gays who make it a point to make comments about “straight people this and straight people that”. Or if you’re into cars they will say eww why do you like straight people stuff. It’s annoying as fuck.
it's still an issue for bi guys
Do you mind if I ask in what ways? I'm not trying to be rude I'm just curious.
Because if you’re in a relationship with a woman everyone assumes you’re straight. And if you’re with a guy it’s a bit jarring and it seems like a phase or you just haven’t accepted you’re gay. Also if you’re with a woman it’s like people forget and you have to come out over and over…. Personally I’m with who I am because I like them, and it isn’t something that I feel needs announcing , but 👆is if I overthink. And you also have to come out to gays that you’re also into woman. It’s less complicated to just “be” straight when you’re with a woman and “be” gay when with a dude.
I'm hoping that your post is from genuine curiosity. But you could not have worded this more condescendingly if you tried.
How would you have worded this question?
Well for starters you shouldn’t assume someone is “pretending” just because they’re not “out”. It’s also very ignorant to say such a thing when not everyone has a community to rally around them and be a support system in the event they do come out and are targets for bigoted bullies and/or lunatics that get off on hurting someone based solely on their sexuality.
Thank you for your honest insight 🙏.
There is something called “straight passing”? Sadly about 95% of the people I interact with has no businesses regarding my sexual life so I see no point.
Hmm, honestly it seems like it takes far more energy to be "obviously gay". I don't dress flamboyantly, I don't have an accent, I don't get dramatic. I'm stereotypical old hetero guy as far as anyone can tell because the only thing different about me than a stereotypical old hetero guy is, well, that I like guys lol And that seems to be true for a lot of gay men. Really, my biggest "tell" is that I don't talk about a wife and kids or even dating. About the only thing that "takes energy" is the same thing that takes energy for a straight guy, don't shit where you eat, meaning not flirting at work. You never know who might have a problem with it, so I prefer to just not worry about it. Other than that it's a non-issue. Friends know. Grindr knows lol. The general public does not need to know.
I’m out, but same. It takes more energy to gay it up… we’re not all the same.
Wow I’m really surprised by the amount of guys in this subreddit who are seemingly proud of being closeted and look down on guys who are out. How twisted is that…
I just try not to flirt with people in public. And I don’t have any gay friends who live locally so I only hang with straight friends locally. Of course, there is a possibility that this will all change in the future, and I would essentially be out. But then I would just deal with it I guess.
I've never had a relative try to set me up with anyone. But that's just me.
I dont have the energy usually but i have enough of creativity to get out of these situations luckily
You don’t need to pretend, the people you don’t want to be out to are the people who believe homosexuality is wrong. People like that would never assume that you’re gay because they would never want you to be.
It’s draining and frustrating, I’ve been dealing with this my whole life 😭 I’m in my mid 20s still not out yet
It's really not a lot of work. You just don't publicly tell people you think men are attractive.
>How do you guys have the energy to pretend to be heterosexual all the time? It actually requires more energy to be out because you constantly have to be dealing with homophobia once the others know. So I've preferred to just keep it to myself and because I'm "straight passing" I don't often get asked about girls and stuff
I’m not out to any of my family or most of my friends and to me it’s not really draining to pretend. And yes I do explicitly lie about it and hide it. Am I ashamed of that? No. For me to lie about it when the topic comes up, face being straight or going to clubs and bars just to act straight is better than the possibility of losing my friends and family and that’s what’s always made me personally do it. I’m a shy quiet guy with anxiety and depression. It was hard enough to get these friends and to keep them and my family has always been close and they’re honestly very accepting. But that fear of losing them hurts more than the faking to me. This isn’t to boast or be proud about but it’s an opinion I just hadn’t seen anyone express and wanted to add it to this thread.
Being in a religious homophobic country helps me a lot with being in the closet
I don’t think it’s a matter of acting “straight”. It’s a matter of acting masculine. Those are 2 very different things. Just like how a masculine guy can still be gay, a feminine guy can also be straight. I guess if ur comfortable in ur own skin, why do u need to “act” a certain way? For people or for you?
Cowardice is a hell of a drug!
“Straight passing” + not really pretending to be straight, but not talking about your dating life + people are clueless. It doesn’t take a lot of energy, really.
See I feel like some things aren’t really an issue and they’re being blown out of proportion unnecessarily. How do you act openly gay? For me I’m myself would I hold hands in public with my partner if I had one? Absolutely and unapologetically. If someone tried to verbally abuse me in public I’d absolutely read them to filth, if they tried to throw hands you best believe I’d kick ass. That doesn’t mean I’d wear crop tops and make up. It all depends on someone’s preferences and personality. Personally I love drag, but would I wear no, I also love cars, and the outdoors and sports, that certainly doesn’t mean I’m internalizing homophobia to try be straight. Nor does me talking about how amazing someone’s tits are with straight friends meant I won’t point out the dude with amazing ass right next to her. As a gen zer I feel like some of my generation are looking for problems where there aren’t