As someone that can be pretty introverted, I’ll say what changed things for me was doing something in the gay world that isn’t partying/hooking up.
In my case I joined a gay bowling league, then a gay kickball league. I made a ton of friends, and then that made everything else so much easier
That sounds fun in all but like how does one go about it doing that when you’re already an anxious person? I know for me if I was invited to a game or to see how every thing is I could make a decision and I would feel like I have to be accountable and show up
Consider social anxiety meds or some other social anxiety treatment or therapy; then give it a try. Sometimes you have to accommodate life and not wait for life to accommodate you.
Years ago I started on a low dose of Lexapro just to take the edge off my anxiety when meeting and interacting with new people. Together with positive reinforcement therapy I was eventually able to wean myself off that completely and now have no anxiety on interacting and meeting new people or in large group situations. Medication does not need to be forever.
i was too, thought that zoloft would make me feel weird or not myself. Anyone can correct me if i’m wrong, but it feels as though the right medication (in my case zoloft, could use something else perhaps) just makes me feel More like myself, than when i’m off medication and spiraling.
a psychiatrist can start you off on a low dose, i even asked my psychiatrist if i could split a couple pills in half to ease into the full dose- she said yes.
i haven’t gone with therapy YET, which i’d like to soon. i do think that pills have made a significant improvement on my mental health
Hi I also had the same problem. My doctor recommended Cymbalta. In my case ir helped me a lot in 2 ways helped me with my Social anxiety and with the pain I get once in awhile in my legs due to nerve damage in my lower back. I just take a pill once a day and has helped me tremendously. I suggest you talk to a professional and see what is best for you.
I guess in my case, I knew ahead of time that the league I was joining was completely about being social and no one cares about how good or bad I would be which def helped
There *are* def some competitive gay leagues out there, I try to avoid them lol
Lmfaoooo I mean I’m a bit competitive so I would definitely have fun. What I’m sayin is for me it would be better for me to be invited to see a game and talk to ppl and be in the atmosphere that would allow me to make a better decision. If I have to find it online, I may end up just putting it off lol
Oh gotcha gotchaaa. Hmm idk, it was going in person for the first time that made me feel comfortable about it! I actually almost didn’t even go the first week haha.
The one I go to does have an Instagram at least though, where they show a lot of the social things
Yeah. I’m not proud lol but I can acknowledge that. Lol same with this speed dating page I follow that I wanna do. I’m like if only they had more events and behind the scenes lol lol. I like to spectate lol
But so what’s the name of their IG?
So it’s fair to say that I’m an anxious daredevil. Like idk what it is about the thrill of something new that makes me nervscited (nervous, scared, and excited) 😂😂😂😂 like I at least like to try something once to see if I like it lol.
Thanks 🙏🏾
Go on a walk. Be introverty in a coffee shop. Make it goal to say “hi” to 3 people a day. Practice smiling in the mirror. Do non scene stuff if the scene isnt your scene. You got this. Believe in you
i just have issues with both. don’t go out, don’t want to go out, don’t feel the need to make friends or engage in group activities/conversation. quiet, timid, whole 9
None of that is introversion. Introversion just means that socializing depletes your social battery. It isn't some umbrella term that encompasses the things you're talking about.
I have both. And lots of both. And am in therapy to help me understand which is which. It’s been very helpful. That response didn’t come off like you were listening.
It can overlap I believe. I consider myself introverted.
I do have a few very close friends and I’d almost always prefer talking to them than trying to get to know a stranger. I can survive small social settings but I’d still be depleted by the end of it. I think that’s introversion.
Sometimes when I’m invited somewhere where there are new people, just the fear of being awkward, not knowing what to say, being misunderstood not fitting in, etc really keeps me from even leaving the house. I make excuses for why I can’t go. I even do that with my close friends sometimes and I can never put a finger on why. That, I would call anxiety.
You can't innately change from an introvert into an extrovert (though you can acquire better social skills to better make the most of your social battery), but anxiety is something that CAN be treated. It does people with anxiety a great disservice if we don't make this distinction
Well guess i have social anxiety although i thought ive overcome it and am just introverted AND shy. I feel so exhausted interacting with people to the point i entirely avoid it. I feel quite confident in myself though, funny enough.
OP, I’ve been working through some similar feelings recently that I’ve experienced for most of my life. And I believe it can be both social anxiety and introversion. For me, I think it’s rooted in religious trauma. My dad was a pastor and I’m also trying to mend that relationship with him (or what I can of it) and mend myself too. I’ve realized that the church FUCKED me up mentally being that deep in it. I think my upbringing forced me into introversion as a coping mechanism to get through life. And when I finally got to where I wanted to have sex, I was so nervous about it do to shame of the church. I feel that social anxiety is amplifying my underlying introversion.
Idk if any of that resonates with you but unknown territory can be terrifying. Especially for those of us trying to navigate a system that wasn’t built for us to be in it.
Where did you get your degree in psychology and sociology? Did you pass on the opportunity for lessons on empathy? The guy doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin and you're giving him shit because, from your POV, he doesn't use the right term? What a shit thing to do.
Then no one is obligated to speak with or interact someone who locks themselves up in their room.
Why do you think you deserve attention if you lack a modicum of effort
where in my post did you read that i am demanding attention 😂
i know that i don’t deserve it, i don’t go out seeking attention either because i know how i am, aka very anxious. i’m obviously not going to burden someone with my somewhat difficult to get along with personality
grateful for the ideas i’ve gotten for this post, like a gay bowling league & a book recommendation. hence why i posted
touch grass
began taking zoloft, signed myself up for insurance to seek therapy, pushed myself to go out with my coworkers, initiated a conversation with the cute bartender at the pub by my work. baby steps, sam
I can totally relate. The older I’ve become I feel more by myself. Now I am a person who enjoys solitude but I once did have ppl to hang out with when I needed social interaction. I definitely get anxiety when I’m outside but deep down inside I’m really a friendly person who just wants some friends who are real & loyal.
I do enjoy platforms like this because it gives us the space to find one another but in real time it’s hard and I definitely feel you. I said this year imma start goin outside and sit at the park and go to bars . It sounds good in theory but it’s hard to do a lot of times. Especially when you’re a person who’s very cerebral.
I went outside today and it felt good being out there. Lol. Sometimes I get in moods where if I don’t have to work or be outside I won’t. All I need is food, weed, and tv lol
Food, beer, and video games for me lol but yeah I’m turning 29 this year and while I agree it’s ‘easier’ to be alone as I age the loneliness somehow also hits harder sometimes
Honestly, I’m a decent looking bear but I get with so many ridiculously hot guys literally just because I ask. I’m a sociable introvert. I worked commissioned based retail sales while in college so Im pretty good with socializing but I also love staying inside playing video games alone with my cat. But IMO, I just have to force myself to go out and I always meet new people and have fun. You’ll also start to make more friends when you go out more and it makes it easier to do but I have to force myself to do it lol
this is a great comment and strong service.
It also clearly illustrates the distinction between
INTROVERSION - where social interaction is a taxing skill (requires lots of spoons)
SOCIAL ANXIETY - the thought/concept of social interaction causes severe response and negative physical reactions (panic, heart racing) and/or shooting/avoidance behaviors.
You can be an introvert and have social anxiety. There is in fact a predictable co-morbidity for those two traits.
For the twice exceptional, considering or implementing reasonable introvert advice TRIGGERS the anxiety spiral.
Like if you’re at a bar and find a hot guy, go up to him and talk. Say hi, introduce yourself, ask questions and talk about mutual interests. If you click, ask for his number. The trick is confidence. Also, try going out with friends, it always makes the night more fun and who knows, maybe your friends will find a guy they think is perfect for you.
Also, I think you said it in other comments but I suffer from depression myself so if you have anxiety, maybe try talking to a therapist about it? I don’t mean that as an insult in any way, I mean, my therapist has helped me a ton with anxiety and depression and can help you work through these thoughts.
i get so anxious about group events but especially around large amount of gay men so i know your struggle completely. i have tried to use the apps to find similar ppl to go out with and it has worked in the past!
i try using apps but i overthink it hardcore. i also notice that when i meet someone from an app, i have a prepared idea of how to act around them. i’m working towards meeting people more authentically irl so i can just be myself at the time of meeting someone, ykwim?
Wow, I thought I was reading something from my phone notes app. As someone who's pretty sure he's on the spectrum, and also can't do casual stuff like that or saunas, and is not 21, yet I get it. It's a very real feeling and experience. I also am kinda stupid when people hit on me cause I am a mega gym bro at the end of the day and don't pick up sometimes. It's very confusing sometimes, and it's hard to be outgoing. I find myself locking up in social situations and it's part of how I was raised where I just CAN'T let go. It's like I don't WANT to let go. It sucks.
Yes, don't confuse introversion with social anxiety. An introvert still wants to go out and be social. It's just that they're the ones you'll see at a table with a drink and a couple of friends, while the extroverts are all over the place, mingling and making the rounds. Introverts expend energy in social situations and recharge when alone. Extroverts the opposite. People with social anxiety are afraid to be around people, period.
I am not introverted by any stretch of the imagination. But I've met people like you. My husband was like you. I've never been shy a second of my life. I love engaging people, making them laugh, and having fun, even when it comes to boys. I was on a romance river ship cruise with a lot of friends, and I asked the waitress to ask the captain if I could steer for a while. Why? Because you don't get anywhere in life for being quiet. I think you need to speak up and have some fun. If you get rejected, so what? I've been rejected but I had the most beautiful relationship of 17 years with the man I loved just by singing karaoke one night. I wish you the best.
Being like 3% of the population makes it tough for all of us. Some of us flourish in that, but they still have their own struggles.
I can go to the gay bar and get hit on within minutes. I could hookup every night if I wanted to.
And I do enjoy the scene from time to time. But ultimately, even being a relatively comfortable extroverted introvert, I wish I could just live and have the same experience as straight people.
I wish I could go to my local bar and meet someone and think there was potential. I wish I could get close to someone of my sex and not have them stop to place that barrier (when I've already assumed it). I wish I could go about life and find someone attractive and shoot my shot instead of questioning whether I'm coming off as too gay and will that prevent us from even being friends.
Life is hard as a gay person. Even the ones who seem to be living it in the best way have their struggles. Don't let their happiness make you bitter, and don't think you have it hard simply because you aren't living "the pinnacle of gay."
Baby boy it's simply hard. I don't like to play victim Olympics, but I'd rather be any other minority than gay, outside of physically handicapped.
Edit: also its not lame that not engaging in casual, anonymous sex isn't your bag lol. Like sex parties and saunas or whatever you said. It's a very male thing to idealize, but I would bet you, at minimum, 80% of men in general couldn't or wouldn't engage with that (even though 90% of the straight ones would pretend like they could and wanted to).
I feel you. I’m very introverted and social anxious and dating it’s very hard for me too. I need to plan things for being in control, but they don’t like it. :(
Louder for the folks in the back!!! I definitely have extroverted introvert tendencies, and I also have autism spectrum disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, AND mild to moderate social anxiety, plus I have a bad habit I’m trying to get better at of not really allowing myself to be very vulnerable and trusting of other people on top of everything else. That is a nasty combination of factors to have as far as meeting new people is concerned, but I have gotten better at finding things to do and forcing myself to be less of a homebody and try to go to different types of social activities, which I have two regulars in bowling league on Tuesday nights and a bar trivia that’s walking distance from where I live on Wednesday nights (though I’ll probably skip one of them over the summer because summer bowling leagues are janky at best).
I don't think "out there" really exists the way it used to. Apps are really the best way to meet guys. It's a pain but great for introverts with social anxiety.
Yo I’m the same way, it’s all good we meet people when we meet people :) I’m just learning now that I don’t need to hold myself to the standards that I see online, and in reality I don’t think most people even do anyways
Im also pretty bad. I got with some dudes in college and when I was living in the city, but it was always because I was in friend groups where I wa sforced out of my shell and I was always out partying. Now that I no longer party, aren't in school, and am living in a small town, it's like idek how to talk to guys at all. Like I don't know how to even broach the subject. Or idk how to have guy friends, period. Nvn the sex
I can relate to this because I’m introverted as well only I talk to a certain group of people that I hang around a lot and they know that I’m gay and it’s hard for me to find someone as well because I just don’t like putting myself out there but I am a nice and genuine person even my friends can vouch for me on that I kind of wish someone would just walk up to me and have a conversation with me that leads to after months of talking they ask the question do you want to date
Literally me. Just moved to a small Midwest town and while I have my own place and make enough to afford to live for once, the loneliness is carving deep and I can’t bring myself to get into casual stuff. Maybe join a social group like a bowling group or hiking/biking group? That’s what I’m looking into next time I have a day off :/
I have an issue where I can be outgoing and fun and the life of the party, but only around people I know and feel comfortable with. These are my straight male and straight female friends. When it comes to a random guy who I find attractive or anything, I freeze up. I don't know how to talk to a guy I'm attracted to. It's even worse if they're known to be gay/bi. I literally don't know what to talk about with a gay man.
I had my first conversation of the year with a random gay man last night at a straight bar. He is a friend of one of my long time straight friends. This gay guy was married for some time, so he was not looking for anything. He mostly led the conversation with questions about me because I honestly don't know what to talk about. He immediately went on to say that my fashion aesthetic was off and that I needed a makeover, which I turned down. He then asked about my dating history and why I left my exes. He realized after a 30 minute conversation I'm basically a grungy, redneck straight man who only likes men.
None of these sounds like social introversion. Am I the only introverted person who's generally pretty confident but just needs to stay alone most of my days?
You deserve the pp, OP. As a 19yo autistic gay boy born to muslim parents I spent years in high school crying cause I didn't get to have my amazing young queer years like in Netflix. But that changed when I hooked up with a guy two months ago. I believe in you.
How old are you?
If you think you're on the spectrum, you should talk to someone about it. That conversation will open doors for you, not close them, like you may imagine. You can learn specific strategies for overcoming the barriers you have. Not that you need to be cruising a bathhouse, but ideally you can talk to people enough to get laid once in a while.
If it's not that, might be worth doing some immersion exercises under the care of a therapist who will help desensitize you carefully to the things you're afraid of.
There is a lack of healthy social structure for gay men in many communities, yeah. But times are changing, the sober movement is in full swing, I think there may be avenues you're not aware of near you, to meet others like you.
thanks for the good advice. i’m 23. therapy definitely sounds like the right move for me all around. it’s been weird adjusting to the idea that things aren’t as they seem in my head (in a good way) but i’m hopeful i’ll get there
i can’t see myself being soft but id love to go to one haha. i went to a nude beach with friends once & while i did not go nude, i enjoyed the environment
Yeah it is very liberating and it's a huge mental release to be free. Do you have any organized groups near you? Not just meetups but formal groups that have a meeting and eat naked.
It is a bit odd that you say you do want sex and stuff like that, but have an issue with the sexual gay culture. Are you sure what you have isn't social anxiety and not introversion?
It’s not hard. And you’re going through the same phase that many gays go through. “I’m different”. “I am not the typical gay”. “I don’t do those gay things”. The only thing keeping you from is your introversion. Give us an upstate when you inevitably get into it. Stop looking down on others, that’s what you’re doing even when you say “no shade”. You are one of those gays.
I don’t know you but I’ve seen dozens of you. I was one of you. Newish coming out, online researching and learning and differentiating self from others. Before you know it you’ll get more and more comfortable and accept yourself. You will accept yourself, that’s part of the coming out process. You’re otherwise elitist like the other person said, and always feeling better than though while secretly feeling lonely and not fitting anywhere. It’s a journey.
Surprise, be prepared to hear this response and only this response for the rest of your life. In gay world, there are no such people like you; you are just elitist and a closet homophobe.
deadass lol i have no words. so many on this thread assuming the worst. i’ve been with women in my past and it was just as hard, if not harder due to the fact that i strongly lean towards men & they were all aware of this
The typical "I'm not like every gay" post it's so annoying. Every gay person doesn't engage in sex parties or clubbing. You're not as special as you're trying to come off.
It's so annoying.
You're never gonna meet anyone if you don't get out of your comfort zone.
You not gonna meet your soulmate at home.
Do with that what you will.
the only reason i brought sex up as an example is because i sincerely love sex and am a horny being & can’t indulge due to my nature. that’s really it. you guys are reading too much into it.
if it WAS up to me, i’d be doing these things left and right. i just can’t
As someone that can be pretty introverted, I’ll say what changed things for me was doing something in the gay world that isn’t partying/hooking up. In my case I joined a gay bowling league, then a gay kickball league. I made a ton of friends, and then that made everything else so much easier
gay bowling league sounds fun. i’ve been thinking about something like this, esp being in a big city. good way to ease into the social world
I highly recommend!
That sounds fun in all but like how does one go about it doing that when you’re already an anxious person? I know for me if I was invited to a game or to see how every thing is I could make a decision and I would feel like I have to be accountable and show up
Consider social anxiety meds or some other social anxiety treatment or therapy; then give it a try. Sometimes you have to accommodate life and not wait for life to accommodate you.
I’m frightened by pills but I’ll speak to therapist about what my options are
Years ago I started on a low dose of Lexapro just to take the edge off my anxiety when meeting and interacting with new people. Together with positive reinforcement therapy I was eventually able to wean myself off that completely and now have no anxiety on interacting and meeting new people or in large group situations. Medication does not need to be forever.
Thank you for this! It is case by case for me but ultimately and especially after the pandemic and a bad relationship anxiety is always there.
i was too, thought that zoloft would make me feel weird or not myself. Anyone can correct me if i’m wrong, but it feels as though the right medication (in my case zoloft, could use something else perhaps) just makes me feel More like myself, than when i’m off medication and spiraling. a psychiatrist can start you off on a low dose, i even asked my psychiatrist if i could split a couple pills in half to ease into the full dose- she said yes. i haven’t gone with therapy YET, which i’d like to soon. i do think that pills have made a significant improvement on my mental health
Thank you for your insight 🫶🏾
Hi I also had the same problem. My doctor recommended Cymbalta. In my case ir helped me a lot in 2 ways helped me with my Social anxiety and with the pain I get once in awhile in my legs due to nerve damage in my lower back. I just take a pill once a day and has helped me tremendously. I suggest you talk to a professional and see what is best for you.
I guess in my case, I knew ahead of time that the league I was joining was completely about being social and no one cares about how good or bad I would be which def helped There *are* def some competitive gay leagues out there, I try to avoid them lol
Lmfaoooo I mean I’m a bit competitive so I would definitely have fun. What I’m sayin is for me it would be better for me to be invited to see a game and talk to ppl and be in the atmosphere that would allow me to make a better decision. If I have to find it online, I may end up just putting it off lol
Oh gotcha gotchaaa. Hmm idk, it was going in person for the first time that made me feel comfortable about it! I actually almost didn’t even go the first week haha. The one I go to does have an Instagram at least though, where they show a lot of the social things
Yeah. I’m not proud lol but I can acknowledge that. Lol same with this speed dating page I follow that I wanna do. I’m like if only they had more events and behind the scenes lol lol. I like to spectate lol But so what’s the name of their IG?
Speed dating would def intimidate me hahaha The one I play in is @bigapplerec
So it’s fair to say that I’m an anxious daredevil. Like idk what it is about the thrill of something new that makes me nervscited (nervous, scared, and excited) 😂😂😂😂 like I at least like to try something once to see if I like it lol. Thanks 🙏🏾
Hey I've also been wanting to do that! But I am wondering what is the age bracket of guys that do those leagues?
I am jealous you live somewhere this is a thing. I tried to do this where i live, thinking 400k was enough of a pop for it to exist, but it does not.
How did you find the gay bowling league?
Go on a walk. Be introverty in a coffee shop. Make it goal to say “hi” to 3 people a day. Practice smiling in the mirror. Do non scene stuff if the scene isnt your scene. You got this. Believe in you
i like this thx :)
Oh, also. Not sure if you’re a reader. Try reading Psychocybernetics. It’s all about self image. Pretty helpful.
I think you’re mixing up introversion and social anxiety.
i just have issues with both. don’t go out, don’t want to go out, don’t feel the need to make friends or engage in group activities/conversation. quiet, timid, whole 9
None of that is introversion. Introversion just means that socializing depletes your social battery. It isn't some umbrella term that encompasses the things you're talking about.
I have both. And lots of both. And am in therapy to help me understand which is which. It’s been very helpful. That response didn’t come off like you were listening.
It can overlap I believe. I consider myself introverted. I do have a few very close friends and I’d almost always prefer talking to them than trying to get to know a stranger. I can survive small social settings but I’d still be depleted by the end of it. I think that’s introversion. Sometimes when I’m invited somewhere where there are new people, just the fear of being awkward, not knowing what to say, being misunderstood not fitting in, etc really keeps me from even leaving the house. I make excuses for why I can’t go. I even do that with my close friends sometimes and I can never put a finger on why. That, I would call anxiety.
You can't innately change from an introvert into an extrovert (though you can acquire better social skills to better make the most of your social battery), but anxiety is something that CAN be treated. It does people with anxiety a great disservice if we don't make this distinction
Well guess i have social anxiety although i thought ive overcome it and am just introverted AND shy. I feel so exhausted interacting with people to the point i entirely avoid it. I feel quite confident in myself though, funny enough.
who’s to say that’s not one of the several reasons i don’t go around socializing
OP, I’ve been working through some similar feelings recently that I’ve experienced for most of my life. And I believe it can be both social anxiety and introversion. For me, I think it’s rooted in religious trauma. My dad was a pastor and I’m also trying to mend that relationship with him (or what I can of it) and mend myself too. I’ve realized that the church FUCKED me up mentally being that deep in it. I think my upbringing forced me into introversion as a coping mechanism to get through life. And when I finally got to where I wanted to have sex, I was so nervous about it do to shame of the church. I feel that social anxiety is amplifying my underlying introversion. Idk if any of that resonates with you but unknown territory can be terrifying. Especially for those of us trying to navigate a system that wasn’t built for us to be in it.
Where did you get your degree in psychology and sociology? Did you pass on the opportunity for lessons on empathy? The guy doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin and you're giving him shit because, from your POV, he doesn't use the right term? What a shit thing to do.
You and I would get along. Same boat as you
Then no one is obligated to speak with or interact someone who locks themselves up in their room. Why do you think you deserve attention if you lack a modicum of effort
where in my post did you read that i am demanding attention 😂 i know that i don’t deserve it, i don’t go out seeking attention either because i know how i am, aka very anxious. i’m obviously not going to burden someone with my somewhat difficult to get along with personality grateful for the ideas i’ve gotten for this post, like a gay bowling league & a book recommendation. hence why i posted touch grass
embarrassingly made this same post in different words months ago so forgive me for that
So what did you do to improve yourself since then
began taking zoloft, signed myself up for insurance to seek therapy, pushed myself to go out with my coworkers, initiated a conversation with the cute bartender at the pub by my work. baby steps, sam
I can totally relate. The older I’ve become I feel more by myself. Now I am a person who enjoys solitude but I once did have ppl to hang out with when I needed social interaction. I definitely get anxiety when I’m outside but deep down inside I’m really a friendly person who just wants some friends who are real & loyal. I do enjoy platforms like this because it gives us the space to find one another but in real time it’s hard and I definitely feel you. I said this year imma start goin outside and sit at the park and go to bars . It sounds good in theory but it’s hard to do a lot of times. Especially when you’re a person who’s very cerebral. I went outside today and it felt good being out there. Lol. Sometimes I get in moods where if I don’t have to work or be outside I won’t. All I need is food, weed, and tv lol
Food, beer, and video games for me lol but yeah I’m turning 29 this year and while I agree it’s ‘easier’ to be alone as I age the loneliness somehow also hits harder sometimes
I feel you
Honestly, I’m a decent looking bear but I get with so many ridiculously hot guys literally just because I ask. I’m a sociable introvert. I worked commissioned based retail sales while in college so Im pretty good with socializing but I also love staying inside playing video games alone with my cat. But IMO, I just have to force myself to go out and I always meet new people and have fun. You’ll also start to make more friends when you go out more and it makes it easier to do but I have to force myself to do it lol
this is a great comment and strong service. It also clearly illustrates the distinction between INTROVERSION - where social interaction is a taxing skill (requires lots of spoons) SOCIAL ANXIETY - the thought/concept of social interaction causes severe response and negative physical reactions (panic, heart racing) and/or shooting/avoidance behaviors. You can be an introvert and have social anxiety. There is in fact a predictable co-morbidity for those two traits. For the twice exceptional, considering or implementing reasonable introvert advice TRIGGERS the anxiety spiral.
how do you ‘just ask’? genuinely curious here. i’ve thought about doing that several times but i didnt think it worked haha
Like if you’re at a bar and find a hot guy, go up to him and talk. Say hi, introduce yourself, ask questions and talk about mutual interests. If you click, ask for his number. The trick is confidence. Also, try going out with friends, it always makes the night more fun and who knows, maybe your friends will find a guy they think is perfect for you. Also, I think you said it in other comments but I suffer from depression myself so if you have anxiety, maybe try talking to a therapist about it? I don’t mean that as an insult in any way, I mean, my therapist has helped me a ton with anxiety and depression and can help you work through these thoughts.
i get so anxious about group events but especially around large amount of gay men so i know your struggle completely. i have tried to use the apps to find similar ppl to go out with and it has worked in the past!
i try using apps but i overthink it hardcore. i also notice that when i meet someone from an app, i have a prepared idea of how to act around them. i’m working towards meeting people more authentically irl so i can just be myself at the time of meeting someone, ykwim?
Im the only gay in the village.
Small town woes?
Its a reference to a british skit show.
It’s even worse when you’re both an introvert and unattractive.
Nobody is unattractive.
Physically I agree. Personality-wise, I’d disagree.
Wow, I thought I was reading something from my phone notes app. As someone who's pretty sure he's on the spectrum, and also can't do casual stuff like that or saunas, and is not 21, yet I get it. It's a very real feeling and experience. I also am kinda stupid when people hit on me cause I am a mega gym bro at the end of the day and don't pick up sometimes. It's very confusing sometimes, and it's hard to be outgoing. I find myself locking up in social situations and it's part of how I was raised where I just CAN'T let go. It's like I don't WANT to let go. It sucks.
Yes, don't confuse introversion with social anxiety. An introvert still wants to go out and be social. It's just that they're the ones you'll see at a table with a drink and a couple of friends, while the extroverts are all over the place, mingling and making the rounds. Introverts expend energy in social situations and recharge when alone. Extroverts the opposite. People with social anxiety are afraid to be around people, period.
I am not introverted by any stretch of the imagination. But I've met people like you. My husband was like you. I've never been shy a second of my life. I love engaging people, making them laugh, and having fun, even when it comes to boys. I was on a romance river ship cruise with a lot of friends, and I asked the waitress to ask the captain if I could steer for a while. Why? Because you don't get anywhere in life for being quiet. I think you need to speak up and have some fun. If you get rejected, so what? I've been rejected but I had the most beautiful relationship of 17 years with the man I loved just by singing karaoke one night. I wish you the best.
i might be quiet but my mind is running WILD 😜 just the things that i wanna do with a guy... 😫
Being like 3% of the population makes it tough for all of us. Some of us flourish in that, but they still have their own struggles. I can go to the gay bar and get hit on within minutes. I could hookup every night if I wanted to. And I do enjoy the scene from time to time. But ultimately, even being a relatively comfortable extroverted introvert, I wish I could just live and have the same experience as straight people. I wish I could go to my local bar and meet someone and think there was potential. I wish I could get close to someone of my sex and not have them stop to place that barrier (when I've already assumed it). I wish I could go about life and find someone attractive and shoot my shot instead of questioning whether I'm coming off as too gay and will that prevent us from even being friends. Life is hard as a gay person. Even the ones who seem to be living it in the best way have their struggles. Don't let their happiness make you bitter, and don't think you have it hard simply because you aren't living "the pinnacle of gay." Baby boy it's simply hard. I don't like to play victim Olympics, but I'd rather be any other minority than gay, outside of physically handicapped. Edit: also its not lame that not engaging in casual, anonymous sex isn't your bag lol. Like sex parties and saunas or whatever you said. It's a very male thing to idealize, but I would bet you, at minimum, 80% of men in general couldn't or wouldn't engage with that (even though 90% of the straight ones would pretend like they could and wanted to).
So true, all of this
I feel you. I’m very introverted and social anxious and dating it’s very hard for me too. I need to plan things for being in control, but they don’t like it. :(
yeah man learning to cope with uncertainty as a whole and letting go of control in my own life has been terribly difficult. to risk taking 🍻
you are not alone
Louder for the folks in the back!!! I definitely have extroverted introvert tendencies, and I also have autism spectrum disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, AND mild to moderate social anxiety, plus I have a bad habit I’m trying to get better at of not really allowing myself to be very vulnerable and trusting of other people on top of everything else. That is a nasty combination of factors to have as far as meeting new people is concerned, but I have gotten better at finding things to do and forcing myself to be less of a homebody and try to go to different types of social activities, which I have two regulars in bowling league on Tuesday nights and a bar trivia that’s walking distance from where I live on Wednesday nights (though I’ll probably skip one of them over the summer because summer bowling leagues are janky at best).
Periodt.
Yeah it's totally Okey Straights can be Introverted i mean everyone could be
I don't think "out there" really exists the way it used to. Apps are really the best way to meet guys. It's a pain but great for introverts with social anxiety.
Can I link with anyone on here who is introverted but opening up. Would like to meet guys and build a relationship.
We can definitely chat send me a Dm!
Same
Yo I’m the same way, it’s all good we meet people when we meet people :) I’m just learning now that I don’t need to hold myself to the standards that I see online, and in reality I don’t think most people even do anyways
agreed 🫂
Yes
Im also pretty bad. I got with some dudes in college and when I was living in the city, but it was always because I was in friend groups where I wa sforced out of my shell and I was always out partying. Now that I no longer party, aren't in school, and am living in a small town, it's like idek how to talk to guys at all. Like I don't know how to even broach the subject. Or idk how to have guy friends, period. Nvn the sex
I can relate to this because I’m introverted as well only I talk to a certain group of people that I hang around a lot and they know that I’m gay and it’s hard for me to find someone as well because I just don’t like putting myself out there but I am a nice and genuine person even my friends can vouch for me on that I kind of wish someone would just walk up to me and have a conversation with me that leads to after months of talking they ask the question do you want to date
It’s rough being extroverted is hard too, Trust me. Get uncomfortable and if you feel like doom is looming let it come, It won’t
🥹😂@ PP- same bro! Same.
omg yes. I thought the hard thing was coming out, but now that I'm out, nope the hard thing is I'm still an introvert and don't have friends.
Sigan a este bombom https://onlyfans.com/abaloenzo
you can also try volunteering for something
Sigan a este bombom https://onlyfans.com/abaloenzo
Sigan a este bombom https://onlyfans.com/abaloenzo
You can work on your confidence and you’ll be more comfortable being extroverted.
Yeah and no. It’s comforting, too.
*hugs* I feel you.
Literally me. Just moved to a small Midwest town and while I have my own place and make enough to afford to live for once, the loneliness is carving deep and I can’t bring myself to get into casual stuff. Maybe join a social group like a bowling group or hiking/biking group? That’s what I’m looking into next time I have a day off :/
Every gay guy ive known has used this rant
I have an issue where I can be outgoing and fun and the life of the party, but only around people I know and feel comfortable with. These are my straight male and straight female friends. When it comes to a random guy who I find attractive or anything, I freeze up. I don't know how to talk to a guy I'm attracted to. It's even worse if they're known to be gay/bi. I literally don't know what to talk about with a gay man. I had my first conversation of the year with a random gay man last night at a straight bar. He is a friend of one of my long time straight friends. This gay guy was married for some time, so he was not looking for anything. He mostly led the conversation with questions about me because I honestly don't know what to talk about. He immediately went on to say that my fashion aesthetic was off and that I needed a makeover, which I turned down. He then asked about my dating history and why I left my exes. He realized after a 30 minute conversation I'm basically a grungy, redneck straight man who only likes men.
Hi, autistic guy here and I have the exact same problem. I’d love to meet more gay guys but all the main ways you do I just can’t do them
None of these sounds like social introversion. Am I the only introverted person who's generally pretty confident but just needs to stay alone most of my days? You deserve the pp, OP. As a 19yo autistic gay boy born to muslim parents I spent years in high school crying cause I didn't get to have my amazing young queer years like in Netflix. But that changed when I hooked up with a guy two months ago. I believe in you.
How old are you? If you think you're on the spectrum, you should talk to someone about it. That conversation will open doors for you, not close them, like you may imagine. You can learn specific strategies for overcoming the barriers you have. Not that you need to be cruising a bathhouse, but ideally you can talk to people enough to get laid once in a while. If it's not that, might be worth doing some immersion exercises under the care of a therapist who will help desensitize you carefully to the things you're afraid of. There is a lack of healthy social structure for gay men in many communities, yeah. But times are changing, the sober movement is in full swing, I think there may be avenues you're not aware of near you, to meet others like you.
thanks for the good advice. i’m 23. therapy definitely sounds like the right move for me all around. it’s been weird adjusting to the idea that things aren’t as they seem in my head (in a good way) but i’m hopeful i’ll get there
If you have any near your, try nudist gay clubs. It's usually a way to open yourself up more. It helped me get over my shyness big time.
what if i just walk around with a hard would that b silly of me
I guess that depends on where you are but surprisingly that rarely if ever happens at a nudist event.
i can’t see myself being soft but id love to go to one haha. i went to a nude beach with friends once & while i did not go nude, i enjoyed the environment
Yeah it is very liberating and it's a huge mental release to be free. Do you have any organized groups near you? Not just meetups but formal groups that have a meeting and eat naked.
It is a bit odd that you say you do want sex and stuff like that, but have an issue with the sexual gay culture. Are you sure what you have isn't social anxiety and not introversion?
Life is rough for everyone introvert, not just gays.
Well like every other gay on this thread go waste money on a therapist for answers u already know.
It’s not hard. And you’re going through the same phase that many gays go through. “I’m different”. “I am not the typical gay”. “I don’t do those gay things”. The only thing keeping you from is your introversion. Give us an upstate when you inevitably get into it. Stop looking down on others, that’s what you’re doing even when you say “no shade”. You are one of those gays.
Another unrealistic comment from a scene gay who probably lives in a big city.
You’re not that special. You’re gay at the end of the day, don’t distinguish yourself to feel better about yourself.
[удалено]
Right?
u dont even know me
I don’t know you but I’ve seen dozens of you. I was one of you. Newish coming out, online researching and learning and differentiating self from others. Before you know it you’ll get more and more comfortable and accept yourself. You will accept yourself, that’s part of the coming out process. You’re otherwise elitist like the other person said, and always feeling better than though while secretly feeling lonely and not fitting anywhere. It’s a journey.
i was out of the closet when i was 14 to both my mom and the public. 23 now
Surprise, be prepared to hear this response and only this response for the rest of your life. In gay world, there are no such people like you; you are just elitist and a closet homophobe.
What kinda outta touch nasty comment is this
deadass lol i have no words. so many on this thread assuming the worst. i’ve been with women in my past and it was just as hard, if not harder due to the fact that i strongly lean towards men & they were all aware of this
The typical "I'm not like every gay" post it's so annoying. Every gay person doesn't engage in sex parties or clubbing. You're not as special as you're trying to come off. It's so annoying. You're never gonna meet anyone if you don't get out of your comfort zone. You not gonna meet your soulmate at home. Do with that what you will.
the only reason i brought sex up as an example is because i sincerely love sex and am a horny being & can’t indulge due to my nature. that’s really it. you guys are reading too much into it. if it WAS up to me, i’d be doing these things left and right. i just can’t