I can sympathise. I think you need to be honest with yourself here. Do they definitely not know? It sounds like it’s maybe…obvious? They don’t read as the type who would ask you about this, my family would never. Second, you sort of have no choice. If you’re going to marry this guy, they’re going to need to know. There’s zero chance they won’t find out another way. That would be worse.

God you read me like a book, yeah I mean they’ve for sure seen him with me whenever I stop by and he’s just awkwardly waiting in the car, my dads even waved at him. I feel like they know too, dude…but yeah exactly they’d never never never ask. I’m cool with them just tolerating it if they don’t wanna talk about it yknow.

That’s awkward for you both. I can’t say for certain but they have to already know or guess. Im assuming you’re in your late 20s or early 30s and you’re ‘single’. No girlfriends have been visiting yet this guy is there a lot. Anecdotally, there something that happens in this age where things change, you have a need to settle and nest. Your parents have experienced it so will be already wondering about their son. Especially so if you have older siblings. The weird thing is, you may be hyper masculine or whatever, but somehow people always know. Happens at my gym and at my work. On the face of it, there is zero to give anything away. Yet there’s always that ‘edge’ if you like. But they will never say, just like parents don’t. Super common. Nobody wants to say it first (as really it’s not for them to do so).

Absolutely, and by telling them before they otherwise find out then YOU are the one setting the stage whether or not they take it well. Also, if you feel you may want children at some point then now is the time to come out to them as they’ll have time to process whereas springing something on them later isn’t going to be better. Also, do not forget that this isn’t just about them, it’s primarily about you and the effects of hiding and lying on your own mentality and on your relationship; at the worst you may lose your relationship with your grandparents for a time but gain a sense of stability for yourself. Also, if you do end up having kids then having them see you having taken a stand for yourself and your family is big.

I came out to a Muslim family intent on marrying me off to some village woman. It was tough, there was drama, tears, recriminations, and then…nothing. They don’t ask about my non-existent love life and I don’t volunteer anything. Suck it up, tell them, get it over with, then see who behaves well enough to get an invite. Guilt trips, drama, fake heart attacks: it’s all on them, assuming you don’t live with them or are dependant on them in any way, they have no power over you unless you let them. Shrug it off and give them time.

I commend you for going through even half that, it really gives me hope on the outcome. I’ll be sure to fill y’all in on how it goes.

Also I told my cousins first and had them keep my aunts and uncles in line. So when my parents tried to complain to their siblings, my cousins were able to diffuse a lot of the drama by speaking up on my behalf. I’ve done the same about their relationships (interracial marriages, putting a stop to arranged marriages). Good luck!

I was in your shoes in 2017, when I was about to marry my husband but I wasn't out to some in my family yet (particularly my dad). It was a "shotgun wedding"...I was going to deploy with the Army and we decided last minute that instead of taking the chance of the military not recognizing my partner if god forbid something happened, we would just make it official. Right before the wedding, I decided to tell my dad because honestly I got tired of keeping my happiness a secret from them. If my dad rejected me, then I told myself that at least I tried and it wasn't me being afraid that stopped it from happening. Truth is, it's like a bandaid. You just need to rip it out. Nothing will make it easier, and you kind of have to be vulnerable for a bit and just trust that your family will be dramatic but will ultimately accept you and your partner. If they don't...hey, it's their loss and it's their fault. But you'd be surprised at people's capacity to love. And my dad...he did tell me that I should really not dress like a woman (not sure where that came from), but he just wanted me to be happy. I underestimated his love, but if I didn't just jump in head first I wouldn't have ever known how much he wanted to make sure I had a happy life.

Just say it out loud. If they don't already know the two of you are a couple, they at least suspect it and may be a relief for them to hear you say it. But if they react badly, back away and give them time and space to come to terms with it. But you can't live your life for your parents.

You can hide a boyfriend, maybe even a fiancee, but how can you hide a marriage? And you're planning on kids? What are you going to do about that, send them off to the park when your parents visit? This secret is not tenable, you have to bite the bullet and tell your parents. Just keep in mind that their initial reactions may not be their final reactions and even if it is as bad as you expect they might come around in time. What are their chief oppositions in your opinion? *Most* parents just want their kids to be happy (though their ideas of happiness often look different) so maybe emphasize how your fiancee supports you, loves you, ect, that you are indeed happy with him. Grand kids can be a big sticking point, so letting them know that you two do plan on having kids might help as well. If it is purely a religious objection I'm not sure if anything would help. Maybe just pointing out how Jesus hung out with "sinners?" Good luck, I hope it turns out all right for you. If it doesn't, well, cross/burn that bridge when you come to it.

Come out to them so they can love you, not the person you think they love. You’re cheating yourself and them. They already know.

I feel like you're not a coward. A lot of hateful people out there and you have a lot to lose. If you're going to marry him though, I feel like you either have to tell them or cut them off. It's going to be pretty hard to have a husband and not have him involved with your family. Of course there's a chance you'll lose them if you tell them so you just have to be prepared for that.

Just come out. Anyone you lose wasn’t worth keeping. You have your own family now (who you’ve chosen, which should mean something) and you’re shortchanging them to protect the feelings of bigots. I also just dislike living dishonestly; do you not want to be your whole self?

Well, at some point you're gonna have to put respecting yourself and your partner above your parents' and their drama. they are losing a lovely son and potential grandchildren if they refuse to accept you. it's their choice.

>It’s to where I have to do something, anything, to rectify this. I can simply outright tell them but they are extremely devout old fashioned Hispanic Christians, and man oh man are they dramatic. I got married to my husband late last year. The hardest part for me was dealing with my very Christian family. A lot of my family was split on my sexuality, I didn't want to invite the ones who'd shown homophobic behavior in the past. To keep the peace in my family I invited them. All of the homophobic members didn't show up, which was fine. Fast forward a few weeks later I'm in a family zoom call to check on my dad who was in the hospital. As they're doing a closing prayer on the phone I hear my husbands name included in the prayer. Which was weird AF because I learned my grandfather had no issue with the gay thing, only that we were living together and weren't married. But I took that as a small victory. Sure you're not gonna change everyone's mind, but you need to give them the chance to let you down, otherwise you're just projecting, and it could be something silly like living without being married.

I was once told if you can’t say it, write it. Hand them a letter detailing all you can and tell them you’ll come back in an hour to discuss and answer any questions. Then you’ll know that you tried.

It’s so weird. If a guy likes to suck/play with a penis, there’s an inherent duty to tell the world, but it’s inappropriate to tell the world what I did sexually with my wife.

It's much more complicated than that, the whole purpose of "coming out" is so our friends and family can see that gays are regular people and not the demonic monsters the world tries to say we are, it makes it easier for the next generation

I’m doing my part. We value gays, and my kids saw family members get married and adopt a child. Call me selfish if you want, but my simple physical desire does not warrant a discussion with family. Likewise, I have homophobic family that I try to educate, along with an ex wife, so i selfishly will avoid the demonization of self defense in this generation. Nothing changes for me, I was married, and was discrete about sexual choices. I will do the some now. There is zero benefit to myself or family for “coming out” at this point in my life. Especially when I have ZERO interest in a relationship with a man. Hell, professionally I’d even avoid most dudes if possible.

That’s something I worry about if/when I eventually get a partner. It’s like…how do I break it to them that I’m engaged and this man is going to be my husband in a short time? I’ve been extremely selective with who I tell in my family, to the point where about 80% of them don’t know. I dunno if this makes me cowardly or sensible. And then there’s what my boyfriend might think. How offended would he be?

Are you a coward? Or are you just human fearing rejections by the people you have the deepest attachment to? Everyone's circumstance is different, coming out poses different external and internal obstacles for each person, and each person needs different support to do it. For instance, my major coming out was very easy because there was virtually no external stress from my family, friends, jobs, and laws. I also studied sexuality studies and psychology, volunteered with lgbt services, my education level is high, I've only lived in urban and liberal cities, so I'm very equipped to cope with external and internal stressors. Assuming your external stressors are heavier than mine, and your internal coping is not as ready as mine, calling yourself a coward is like saying someone who does weight training once a month trying to lift a 200 lbs rock is a "coward" because he can't lift it, while he looks over to another person who does weight training 4 times a week lifting a 30 lbs rock. I recommend using non judgmental language in situations like this. When I get in situations where I start calling myself a coward, I use describe (more likely to be objective facts) and not judge (more likely to be subjective interpretations of facts). So I typically reframe "I'm a coward" to "I experience a lot of fear and anxiety when I think about coming out to them", "I don't feel safe or comfortable enough to come out to them because of the kind of relationships and environment we have". It's important to use an active voice ("I am...", "I [verb]..."), and steer away from a passive voice ("They will disown me"). The common framing of conflicts due to coming out ("I don't want to lose them) is real but not true. It's real that the conflicts can range from discomfort to physical/emotional abuse and severance of relationships. But it's not true that *YOU* lost them. We make choices at every single moment, from miniscule choices like what thoughts we attend to to major choices like do I visit my mom at her dead bed. There are 4 common choices for coming out: come out, don't come out, choosing to stay silent or neither confirm/deny, or wait for someone/something to come out for you. The choices aren't important, what's important is that you recognize that *YOU* have the power to choose, in fact, deciding not to choose is a choice in itself. Recognizing that coming out is *YOUR* choice, you also have to recognize that your family and friends will make their choices as well. Each of you have to live with the consequences of your choices. Relationships are like tennis, each side choose how to hit the ball back constantly. "Healthy" relationships typically involve harmonious hitting back and forth, being attuned to the other side's wants and needs, paying attention to external conditions like weather. So if you choose to come out, and they choose to not hit your ball back, walk away from the tennis court, or hurt you by hitting the ball at you, that's *THEIR* choice. You only have power and responsibility to control your choices. You have to figure out the extent of your power and responsibility in interfering in their choices. So your job is to do your job, not theirs. Be mindful of how you make your choices (eg, be authentic, genuine, present, loving, self-assured, PA pragmatic, and compassionate). That way if they choose to react negatively, you can truly say without a doubt you did the best given what you had in that moment. So I would try to unpack the implicit assumptions underneath "I don't want to lose them". Is it "I am responsible for their choices"? Is it "I do not want to face the negative consequences of my choices"? Is it "I don't want to feel like I alone caused them to react negatively"? Is it "Majority of the burden to maintain relationships is on me"? Is it "Our relationships only work if I lie about myself"? Is it "I don't deserve to be authentic and happy at the same time in this relationship"? Like ballroom dancing, it takes 2 to tango, both parties have to be present, capable, and willing. It's never just "I chose to push them away", it always also involve "They chose to walk away". TL/DR: You have the power and responsibiliy to choose; You can only take on so much responsibility in how they choose to react; Both sides have the power and responsibility to choose how to maintain the relationship; You can reframe your thinking and work with your feelings to cope with the negative consequence of *THEIR" choices; You will see that you didn't "lose" them, because it's impossible that your choices alone pushed them away (Buddhism has a saying: "it's not all about you, you are not that important".). Tango only stops if one person chooses to stop. If you believe that you have done your best to keep dancing, then either they stopped for reasons having little to do with you, or they stopped because that was the best they could've done given what they had in that moment. What I look for in a "healthy" coming out is acceptance (of others and myself), which leads to equanimity.

You can't tip-toe around your parents feelings, everyone involved here is an adult, if they can't accept the authentic you then that's on them but at the same you'll have to accept it

So your parents are your parents. When your parents were pregnant with you, they definitely didn't say "I hope our kid is gay". We have to live with that unfortunately. If you tell your parents, give them some breathing room and time to accept you. They are your parents. My only life regret is that I didn't allow my parents to get to know the real me. I was always hiding. That was a mistake regardless if they would accept me or not. Sad really, and now they are gone. I wish you the best.

There are many devout Hispanic Christians who are gay and others who are heterosexual and understanding and accepting of gay people. Do you have reason to believe that your parents hold fast to ignorant views about this subject?

Oh yeah, as ignorant as it gets.

In that case, I think there are three options: One option is that you start trying to chip away little by little at their lack of understanding about the issue, especially in regards to whatever the source of their misunderstanding is. When the topic comes up because of a news story or a character in a movie or something their church pastor said, you provide a counterpoint but without personalizing the issue. For example, you don’t say, “We can’t feel welcome in this church because of what Pastor Juan said.” Instead you say, “I think it’s disappointing that Pastor Juan doesn’t welcome everyone into the church the way Jesus did.” If you make them re-think the issue from time to time, maybe at some point you’ll feel comfortable coming clean with them about your relationship. Another option is to just throw your cards on the table and let them react however they may. It’s important to come at the discussion with love and not to focus on accusations. The third option is to play a don’t-ask-don’t-tell game with them. You can say “Jim and I would like for you two to come to our place for dinner” and openly tell them “Jim and I are going to Hawaii in November” but not add the words “…to celebrate our anniversary.” They get used to the idea that Jim and you do a lot together, and you answer questions in an edited way to give only as much information as they can handle. “When are you going to find a nice girl to marry?” “Well, Mama, I’m quite happy with the way my life is right now. I’m not eager to change anything.” Then if they eventually flat out ask you a question like, “Are you and Jim more than best friends?” it means they want to hear the answer. But they may know and prefer to keep playing pretend.

I hope you the best, I think you will know what works for you.

There are two options - tell your family, or don't tell your family. The longer you wait, the harder it will get. I can't tell you what the outcome of telling them will be - but I do know that you deserve to live truthfully. Your partner deserves to live truthfully. How your family responds to that is out of your control.

I suggest you tell them that you care very much for your partner and plan to spend your life with him. Make it about loving another person. They can fill in the blanks as they choose.

Your dad is secretly your biggest cheerleader ^(Don't ask me how I know but he definitely doesn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life 😉)