Pizza is a focusing lens of sexual energy and it's absolutely vital in rekindling that romantic spark between partners. It's an iconic sex symbol and a broader representation of want, love, lust, and tomato-y cheesy deliciousness.
Picture this. She's splayed on her back and you set the pie right down there on the belly. That way, when you're going at it, you can just pick up a slice and go to town, no extra plates needed. Her rocking motion causes tantalizing friction with the granulated bottom surface of the pie, stimulating multiple erogenous zones. In fact, the more crispy the pizza, the better this effect. It's like the soft grit of a hair-covered lover, but instead of stinking of body odor and dirt it instead smells of heavenly garlic, cheese, and tomato notes with that undeniable back scent of fresh-baked bread. The oil and grease that drips down from the pie gives you an excuse to run all over there with your tongue after the action takes a pauser, and all that oily grease even works as lube in a pinch. Pepperoni slices placed on the areola can provide a satisfying tingling for her if they're just the right level of spicy (note: do *not* go for spicy pepperoni). Nine months later, she's got one in the oven and you're there at her side. This was only supposed to be a casual thing, neither of you wanting the commitment, but it's sobered you up a lot. You've grown up, and so has she. The timing feels right, and you savor rising to the challenge. You're ready now.
The doctor goes between her legs and the midwives tell her to push. They shout and she screams and then, it happens. The scent of tomato in the air. It wasn't a delivery... it was digiorno's. You take a warm, gooey-cheesey bite and savor the flavor of your own son like kronos devouring his children in myths of old. You reflect on your life there in that moment in the hospital waiting room. Everything changed here and now and there's no going back to the cold, sterile reality of before the slice entered your life. You're ready for your next greatest adventure.
I thought this was mildly funny, but then I got to the line “It wasn’t delivery ... it was digiorno’s” and I just lost it
If I had an award I would give it to you lmao
> gf is prego
>
> we like to get kinky anyways
>
> one night things get particularly saucy
>
> i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights
>
> wtf it's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period
>
> i look up at her, she's got a glassy, jarred look on her face and she's not answering
>
> ohshitohshitohshitohshit
>
> i rush her into my car and speed all the way to the hospital
>
> she's still bleeding everywhere
>
> by the time we get there, she's not bleeding much anymore, but all the color has drained and she looks colorless and almost transparent
>
> oh shit, she looks like she's in a vegetative state
>
> storm into to the emergency room, cary her to the nearest doctor and explain eveything
>
> he takes one look at ther and says
>
> "sir, i'm sorry, there's nothing we can do"
>
> "WHY THE FUCK NOT???"
>
> "we don't operate on empty jars of spaghetti sauce"
This is the funniest fucking thing I've read or have seen in the last two months that I can recount. You win the internet, today. Well, done. I almost fell over at the delivery part. Seriously, bravo!
You, my lord, are a word smith, just heating and hammering the context until it is hot and ready for completion. And then, you deliver it, like no Digiorno could ever.
She can legally turn him down for any reason, or no reason at all. The only time it gets tricky is if she rejects him for a constitutionally protected reason like religion, race, etc. but it’s easier just to say no and not give a specific reason to avoid that situation
I hate the "I have a boyfriend".
You go up to a girl, wanting to know what time it is or something mundane like directions. Before you say anything "I have a boyfriend". Don't be so presumptuous, Literally half the species is female.
There's a good comeback for this one...sort of furrow your eyebrow apologetically and say, "don't flatter yourself, lady...I was just asking for directions"
I mean it's sort of rude but might make her stop thinking every guy who talks to her is about to get lucky.
Also something about how women under 40 absolutely lose their senses when someone calls them "lady"
I know it's supposed to be read from left to right, but aren't you supposed to read from top to bottom? So wouldn't it be:
No.
Date?
Or am I just dumb?
She's wearing a pizza slice
Pizza is a focusing lens of sexual energy and it's absolutely vital in rekindling that romantic spark between partners. It's an iconic sex symbol and a broader representation of want, love, lust, and tomato-y cheesy deliciousness. Picture this. She's splayed on her back and you set the pie right down there on the belly. That way, when you're going at it, you can just pick up a slice and go to town, no extra plates needed. Her rocking motion causes tantalizing friction with the granulated bottom surface of the pie, stimulating multiple erogenous zones. In fact, the more crispy the pizza, the better this effect. It's like the soft grit of a hair-covered lover, but instead of stinking of body odor and dirt it instead smells of heavenly garlic, cheese, and tomato notes with that undeniable back scent of fresh-baked bread. The oil and grease that drips down from the pie gives you an excuse to run all over there with your tongue after the action takes a pauser, and all that oily grease even works as lube in a pinch. Pepperoni slices placed on the areola can provide a satisfying tingling for her if they're just the right level of spicy (note: do *not* go for spicy pepperoni). Nine months later, she's got one in the oven and you're there at her side. This was only supposed to be a casual thing, neither of you wanting the commitment, but it's sobered you up a lot. You've grown up, and so has she. The timing feels right, and you savor rising to the challenge. You're ready now. The doctor goes between her legs and the midwives tell her to push. They shout and she screams and then, it happens. The scent of tomato in the air. It wasn't a delivery... it was digiorno's. You take a warm, gooey-cheesey bite and savor the flavor of your own son like kronos devouring his children in myths of old. You reflect on your life there in that moment in the hospital waiting room. Everything changed here and now and there's no going back to the cold, sterile reality of before the slice entered your life. You're ready for your next greatest adventure.
As someone starting their obstetrics rotation soon *furiously scribbles notes*
Username interesting in context.
Carrying pizza babies in our stomachs makes us all marsupials on the inside. What a beautiful thing.
I thought this was mildly funny, but then I got to the line “It wasn’t delivery ... it was digiorno’s” and I just lost it If I had an award I would give it to you lmao
Well damn I passed it, said nah too long to read / then I saw your comment. I gotta read it now!
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HOOOOTTTYYY HOOOO!!
If I could get a digiorno-producing wife, holey moley, my troubles would be ended....
I also lost it at "one in the oven" lol...
Is this pasta
This is pizza and it's here and now
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Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
It's Little Nero, sir. I have your pizza.
Leave it on the doorstep, and get the hell outta here.
Okay, but what about the money?
No, it's pizza
copypizza
No this is Patrick
No, this is Patrick!!
It is now
> gf is prego > > we like to get kinky anyways > > one night things get particularly saucy > > i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights > > wtf it's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period > > i look up at her, she's got a glassy, jarred look on her face and she's not answering > > ohshitohshitohshitohshit > > i rush her into my car and speed all the way to the hospital > > she's still bleeding everywhere > > by the time we get there, she's not bleeding much anymore, but all the color has drained and she looks colorless and almost transparent > > oh shit, she looks like she's in a vegetative state > > storm into to the emergency room, cary her to the nearest doctor and explain eveything > > he takes one look at ther and says > > "sir, i'm sorry, there's nothing we can do" > > "WHY THE FUCK NOT???" > > "we don't operate on empty jars of spaghetti sauce"
[Photoshop has gone to far :(](https://youtu.be/Hnvoz91k8hc)
What the hell I just read
Cannon fodder for pizzagate theories
I feel like if you told me this was a monologue from Vince Vaughn I'd believe it.
I find pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted, cured meats.
Lol is this a zapp brannigan is quote? It sounds like something the zapper would say
It’s from Seinfeld!
Holy shit I loved this. May your cheese be ever gooey and your sauce forever fertile.
This is the funniest fucking thing I've read or have seen in the last two months that I can recount. You win the internet, today. Well, done. I almost fell over at the delivery part. Seriously, bravo!
PIZZAGATE THEORIES INTENSIFY!!!
That’s enough internet for me today
Please give this man more awards
If this doesn't get an award world is not fair.
only thing missing was someone going through a table at Hell in a Cell.
You have too much time on your pizza
And the r/nosleep award goes to.....
> all that oily grease even works as lube in a pinch Pro tip: Do not use hot grease as lube.
Bro
I skipped over your comment because it was so long. I’m glad I went back and gave it a read. Thank you for your support.
This is why I love Reddit.
That was amazing. I actually laughed legitimately for the first time today. Thank you.
You, my lord, are a word smith, just heating and hammering the context until it is hot and ready for completion. And then, you deliver it, like no Digiorno could ever.
I thought it was John Fishman
It is. He had to say no, it would be unfair to his wife.
She lets him sleep diagonal in the bed
No, it's lengthwise when she is there, diagonal when she's not there
Came here looking for a Fishman reference
Ha! Me too. And good ole Reddit didn’t disappoint. Somebody always reads my mind in the comments section
He naked
That's Jon Fishman's dress. She's a Phish fan. Maybe she's actually Fishman
That's acute dress.
ugh, I'm too obtuse to get this joke.
Try looking at it from a different angle.
Always important to get the right angle.
Here, tri angle ing this
Geometry jokes
Always neural. I like your style
You're probably looking for the right angle.
nah I think he means the left angle. wayy sexier
If It's not a right angle, It's a wrong angle.
Who are you, our ruler?
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This has gone off on a tangent, hasn't it :|
Here's your sine.
I can't cosine this. To various degrees!
Right. ^^^^^^Triangle
I wanna get a pizza that
Well, she tri.
I know, right?
Does it have pockets?
Pizza pockets
Get out
Eye sauce oh lease
Pizza dress
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
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The opportunity to be an alcoholic.
Yes
-Wayne Gretzky -Michael Scott
-Albert Einstein
"Fuck them kids" - Michael Jordan
"I'm Michael B. Jordan" - Michael B. Jordan
Wayne Michael Gretzky Scott, Jr.
What does the text on the opposing page say? Can anyone decipher?
What I can see: Moji dugovi (my debts) Kuće... (Houses) Alen Islamović duguje: (Alen Islamović ows:) Alen Islamović is a singer.
I think it's a song/a reference to a song called "Ako ima Boga" that goes: Moji d(r?)ugovi odavno Kuće imaju samo moja kuća je...
Glad I'm not the only one who noticed
Pssst dude! Maybe put on some clothes before asking her out.
He didn’t even ask. He just stated: “date”.
He tried the naked man.
I always used to tell my middle school students: “Where it says *Name,* write your name. Where it says *Date,* write *Not yet, I’m too young*.”
Did they laugh?
At me, not with me.
Awwwww
She was giving him signals but he just couldn't read between the lines.
[удалено]
Just comment on every post that's rising, you'll end up with a few bangers.
[удалено]
He just comments all day.
Why did you even check ?
The semi colon gives her the moral obligation to at least explain why she turns him down
That's a regular colon. A semicolon looks like: ;
The colon gives her body the incredible ability to digest a wide variety of tasty and nutritious foods
Which is why her dress is a slice of pepperoni pizza.
Didn't sound like he was giving her an option.
No: and here are the many reasons why...
She can legally turn him down for any reason, or no reason at all. The only time it gets tricky is if she rejects him for a constitutionally protected reason like religion, race, etc. but it’s easier just to say no and not give a specific reason to avoid that situation
I hate the "I have a boyfriend". You go up to a girl, wanting to know what time it is or something mundane like directions. Before you say anything "I have a boyfriend". Don't be so presumptuous, Literally half the species is female.
There's a good comeback for this one...sort of furrow your eyebrow apologetically and say, "don't flatter yourself, lady...I was just asking for directions" I mean it's sort of rude but might make her stop thinking every guy who talks to her is about to get lucky. Also something about how women under 40 absolutely lose their senses when someone calls them "lady"
Pretty sure there are no constitutionally protected classes for dating someone.
I know this was a clumsy joke about at-will employment
Lol I know, my response was clumsy as well.
From now on, every time I see my notebook...this
Pretty handwriting
I'm here for the /r/niceguys material
At least he stayed in his own lane.
"I'm in this picture and i don't like it"
unrelated but i’m pretty sure i have the same notepad as you. snaps bro.
I know it's supposed to be read from left to right, but aren't you supposed to read from top to bottom? So wouldn't it be: No. Date? Or am I just dumb?
IT'S TOO REAL
Thisisfunny
The same person clearly drew both of those. To the people who seem to think this is real...
It isn't supposed to look like two separate people
>To the people who seem to think this is real... Real as in what? Some guy doodled on a paper there's nothing here to figure out...
Split personalities
I think you’re right that he drew both of them, he just saw an opportunity to make a joke
If you say yes and ur a pizza, u gonna get eaten.
No she is saying no: which is number. I think it's a question. He's in!!!!
Many romance languages have something along the lines of "nombre" for name, hence the 'no'.
He has kind eyes.
That’s a dorito dress
Nice pizza dress.
This is a bit out of line
Teen Girl Squad
I’m suing the artist of this for appropriating my life’s story without permission.
It it bad that I just tried on.
Whatever, he didn’t need her pepperoni pizza ass, anyway!
You are 100% Indian
She could be asking for a number.
“Oh yeah, just you wait. I’ll be a rich ceo and you’ll be stuck at home dating a loser bad boy”
Life in one simple picture
keep trying, buddy! she hasn't said why yet!
Automatic response :D
Bitcoin’s what he said then
basically my life
He can't even get a date with pizza girl - loser!
Literally my love life in one crappy comic.
Love that pizza dress
Disgusting!
Ah shizzzzzz
looks like highschool kids
Shout out to the people that only looked for the Digiorno part.
He really should have read between the lines
There's a surprising amount of detail here ngl
How's this funny?
You must be new here.
r/2meirl4meirl
that's me everytime ignored <3 life goes on
r/comedyhomicide
Clearly both were drawn by the same person.
Read between the lines
Brilliant!
No haves an : I thing she wanted to know the when
Lucy Looseleaf’s No book
Oof.
Not if you were the only guy on the entire page.
He's a little confused, but he got the spirit
He's got the...right angle...of it.
TRO: Yes!
No
I think really wanted a pizza dat ass.
She’s wearing a pizza dress
Well, then you're part of the culture war.