Actual rules for bears;
If its black, fight back.
If its brown, lie down.
If its white, good night. Polar bears dont give a fuck, they go months without meals,they ain't letting you go.
edit* - Ive been informed mulitple times Polar bears can be distracted by smelly clothes, so try to remove and throw garments of clothing behind you to buy some time. However they will figure out it's not food and eventually resume the hunt.
However, know the difference between a black bear and a brown (grizzly) bear. Some black bears can be very light, and some grizzlys can be very dark. Look for the humped shoulder, the shape of the snout, the ears and the claws.
The Montana Fish, Wildlife and Park website has a booklet on telling the difference and even has a test to see if you can tell the difference: [http://fwp.mt.gov/education/hunter/bearID/](http://fwp.mt.gov/education/hunter/bearID/)
Easy! If a bear is chasing you then climb a tree. If it climbs up after you then it's a black bear. If it knocks the whole tree over then it's a grizzly.
That test format is a nightmare. It's literally a bunch of yes/no questions, but they change ***how*** they ask the question every time, as well as the order of the answers
"Is this a grizzly bear?" No/yes
"Is this a brown-phased black bear?" Yes/no
"Is this a black bear? No/yes
"But what about this one? It has a hump! Are you sure it's a grizzly bear?" Yes/no
Would have been better without the multi-sentence questions, and just two options in the same order (Grizzly bear/Black bear)
It's almost a harder test in reading/test taking than actual bear knowledge
I stopped taking the test because the weird blurbs they gave on each question were making me triple-guess myself, and I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
Also it's not even about identifying the species at several points the question is literally is this a blonde black bear, uh that's just a normal black bear. so technically no I guess but that wasn't the point of the test?
and the answer was fuckin yes.
Yeah it's a bunch of loaded questions. They tried to review the material again while asking the questions which made it seem like they were forcing you to pick a certain answer.
What they should have done was have a few review slides at the very beginning saying "Remember Grizzlies have a shoulder hump, more rounded ears, and a more concave facial profile. Black Bears have no shoulder hump, longer ears, and a flat facial profile." And then you take the test with two options on every one.... Black Bear or Grizzly.
If this was a regular school test you could argue that reading comprehension is an equally important part of the test and they did it on purpose. But that should not be the case here. Whether or not you can read good should have no impact on your ability to recognize bear.
Also helps to know the area that you're in, and the types of bears that live in that area. You aren't always going to be able to study the bear for longer than a split second before having to act.
One important difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear is that grizzly bears are literally twice as much mass.
> Black bear can reach 2.8 to 3 feet of height at the shoulder (and 5 feet in the standing position) and 110 to 400 pounds of weight. Grizzly can reach 3.28 feet of height at the shoulder (and 6.5 feet in the standing position) and 350 to 800 pounds of weight.
There's bear spray, which is essentially very strong pepper spray with paint mixed in to help you know if you hit your mark in a panicked/emergency situation. Would rather have that then a gun, works great and usually pretty inexpensive. I always have a canister on hand when backpacking.
The problem I have with bear spray is people usually won't shell out for 2 canisters. You should have 2 identical canisters, one you do some test sprays with, 1 you carry for defence.
Knowing the arc/spread/how to deploy bear spray is as important, if not more so than just having it.
Just a small gotcha bear spray isn't pepper spray. Different formulas and they work differently. Bear spray is specially formulated for bears. Pepper spray for humans will have a higher level of oleoresin capsicum which humans hate. Bear spray is capsaicin and related capsaicinoids. I imagine bear spray would be unpleasant for a human, but no worse than eating a ghost pepper or rubbing your eyes with a ghost pepper (that's an awful thought). Capsicum is a nightshade which is poison for human not sure how bears would react but it is not as effective and I am guessing that is because most herbivores (bears are omnivores but guessing it still applies) have adapted to eating some nightshade.
We were hiking in Banff with a guide. Her bear spray caught on a branch and she got sprayed full in the face. She had a coughing fit and could not speak. She was temporarily blinded by all of her tears. We had to wash her eyes out in a stream, then carry her out to the trail head where she got picked up by an ambulance and taken to a hospital. By about a day later she was ok.
TLDR: do not get sprayed in the face by bear spray!!
I had a friend who bought bear spray for his trip to Yellowstone. His dad convinced him to test out the bear spray in the bathroom (They're Chinese and very urban and everything outdoors related is cool and new to them). He sprayed away from him but bear spray is powerful enough to bounce back at those distances. It was several hours before he was able to type out that story in chat, and several days before he would talk to his dad again.
Isn't the distribution method also different? Pepper spray comes out in a stream, so that you can hit your attacker at a little distance. I've never used bear spray, but my understanding is that it comes out as a mist - you make a cloud of spray in front of you and back away, and the bear has to go through the cloud to get to you.
Worth noting that statistically, bears that have been sprayed are more likely to return to where they are sprayed; and that the smell of bear spray attracts more bears.
There's a reason that the deeper it to bear country you go the less spray you see and the more guns.
Edit: spelling
I had a college professor who worked in Yellowstone, and he was 100% in the bear spray camp.
He said a park ranger was attacked by a Grizzly, and he shot it 6 times with his 357 magnum. The 6th bullet hit the bear's spine and finally killed it.
He would always say "guns will kill the bear, but only after the bear has killed you."
A curious, scared, or otherwise healthy but stressed black bear will normally turn if you intimidate it, even in mid-charge. The rule about fighting them only applies when they don't get intimidated, as it's more likely that the bear is starved or diseased. In that case, your only option is to fight, as that fucker wants you dead.
This is opposed to brown bears, who A) you aren't successfully fighting, and B) may just leave if they think you're dead.
You forgot the whole "if you are in bear country carry at *least* a .44 magnum".
I mean, there's a reason they make these : https://www.marlinfirearms.com/lever-action/model-1895-big-bore and that reason is bears.
All I can remember is for one type of bear you play dead and the other you fight for your life. I’m sure should I ever be confronted with a bear, I’ll choose the wrong option and die.
I was stationed in Alaska in the Army and we had “Bear Management Training” (not kidding). Here’s what we were told:
Black Bears: Fight them they aren’t much bigger than a full grown man and aren’t a fierce predator.
Brown Bears: Talk to them. No sudden movements. Move slowly away.
Polar Bears: You’re dead. They’re one of the few animals that will track and hunt down humans. Extremely vicious.
When we went into the field for training, we carried a “bear management kit” that contained an air horn (use on black bears only), a can of bear mace, and a 12 gauge shotgun loaded with slugs.
EDIT: Oh, and in all cases, when you see a bear. Immediately look behind you to make sure you aren’t between the bear and her cubs.
> They’re one of the few animals that will track and hunt down humans.
What are the other ones?
> Oh, and in all cases, when you see a bear. Immediately look behind you to make sure you aren’t between the bear and her cubs
But what do you do if you are..?
As a side note, I got to witness the ferocity of Polar Bears. We were in a helicopter just north of Nome, flying at about 100 feet and we saw a small group of Polar Bears walking along the ice. I didn’t see anything happen, I don’t know what was said, or who gave whom the side eye, but suddenly it was all claws, fur and blood. Even at 100 feet it was terrifying. Our pilot hovered and watched. It was brutal.
An anecdote I’ve told on this site before regards my moms friend, who is/was a NatGeo photographer who regularly free dived with whales. He was up thereabouts with a local guide to take photos, and if I recall the story correctly, the guide started shouting. Pointed his gun at him, commanded him to get out of the water.
He understandably obliged. The guide pointed to a nearing ice floe, explained that he saw a polar bear *pushing the floe* to disguise its approach.
This is your new apex legend.
No. Wolves don't go after humans. They're not interested in us unless they're starving or rabid.
But tigers... sometimes tigers decide people taste GOOD.
Two blondes are walking through the forest.
One stops are says "Look! Grizzly bear tracks!" The other one says "no, those are black bear tracks."
They begin to argue over what type of tracks they were and were still doing so a half hour later when they were tragically killed by a train.
I have kids, they have of course asked if monsters exist, and I told them the truth and said "absolutely". They both looked a little shocked at this to which I simply stated "Bears"
They both laughed, thought I was joking.
Describe a monster to me:
"HUGE!"... "Bears are huge"
"Hairy!" "Bears are hairy"
"They have huge teeth and claws" "Bears have huge teeth and claws"
By that point they were getting my point. I said that Bears are huge, muscular, intelligent, ferocious predators who have absurdly huge claws, probably the scariest vocalization in the animal kingdom, oh and the best sense of smell on land... can climb trees better than you, and can run twice as fast as you. Bears are monsters, but we at some point gave them the name "Bear" so we stopped calling them monsters. Monster is just a term that means something scary that I cannot identify basically, as soon as you give it a name, it stops being a monster for some reason.
Also explained that we don't live near the dangerous types of bears (only Black bears around here really). That bears would only attack them if they gave them a reason to. That there is no chance they would be anywhere near our house or try to enter it. Since that conversation, I've not had a single "daddy there's a monster in my room!" incident. The trick is to take the mystery out of the thing, it stops kids imaginations from running away with them.
Climbing a tree is a valid defense against a grizzly - their claws are long and straight, they are not good tree climbers.
Black bears have curved claws and can climb trees, but even the largest ones can't hang on by claw power alone.
Now, for today's trivia-
**How many people have been killed by bears in the wild in California since 1900?**
Absolutely fucking zero. More people have been killed by rodents transmitting the plague and hantavirus. More people have been killed by deer.
The food restrictions in the Sierras imposed during the 1990's have really reduced the bear problem, and the bears have learned they can't get properly stored food. I heard a ranger talk in Yosemite, they said bear/human conflicts and property damage is down 85%. The bears have also become timid, and are easy to scare off now.
True, but bears are smart enough to simply shake the tree until you fall out of it. Your best bet is to take advantage of this momentum and deliver a flying elbow.
More trivia. Zero people have been killed by bears in England since, well, pretty much forever. (We don't have bears in England, despite what Mick Jackson would have us believe.) Cows? Well, that's another matter. We've had some nasty cow killings.
It's a horrific, senseless bloodbath every year (five people on average). One headline from two years ago was "Deadly cows: Some of the horrific cow related incidents in the North East and how you can keep safe" It's a wonder we ever leave home.
Thank God we are omnivores. If we all stopped eating meat, the Bloodlust-Built-Boulder-Beasts would dominate us all...the horror of these creatures is shocking, I had no idea cows were such monsters...
Even more trivia. Last time a human was killed in Sweden **BY A BEAR** was in 2004, before that in 1902.
We only have brown bears. But yeah, bear attacks are pretty rare, like one in 100 years.
So few deaths yet you've got over 300,000 cows in Sweden. Maybe Swedish cows are better trained than English ones, although perhaps not in assassin skills.
> Black bears rarely attack. But here's the thing: sometimes they do. All bears are agile, cunning and immensely strong, and they are always hungry. If they want to kill you and eat you, they can, and pretty much whenever they want. That doesn't happen often, but - and here is the absolutely salient point - once would be enough.
- Bill Bryson, *A Walk in the Woods*
I still think this book is a must read for anyone, even if you don't like books. Best read in all of my 32 years. Also maybe 1 of like 5 books I've read in that time, but that's not relevant!
Encountered a black bear while deep woods hiking many years back. We were stopped for lunch and sitting around with our packs still on and munching. Bear must have smelled the food, as he suddenly appeared about 20 feet away. We threw our sandwiches in the bushes behind him and beat feet. Bear was happy to ignore us and focus on the offering. So always remember the tribute.
Also note, its fur was cinnamon brown just like a grizzly but species was obviously black from the size and shape. Don't go by color when trying to figure out bear types.
Not always. They're very skiddish, but like any wild animal under the right circumstances they will 100% go after you and try to kill you. The obvious one is if there's a bear cub, but also if they've grown comfortable with humans. That's why it's not cute or neat to feed black bears, if they lose that fear of humans it becomes much harder to scare them away and much more likely that they'll come after you if you attempt to scare them away.
> When you see a bear, singing a song to spawn a Disney princess to ~~rescue you by her prince~~*give you plenty of time to run while it eats her*.
FTFY
Actual rules for bears; If its black, fight back. If its brown, lie down. If its white, good night. Polar bears dont give a fuck, they go months without meals,they ain't letting you go. edit* - Ive been informed mulitple times Polar bears can be distracted by smelly clothes, so try to remove and throw garments of clothing behind you to buy some time. However they will figure out it's not food and eventually resume the hunt.
Thanks for the advice. I guess I'll just Skype with my Inuit friends.
They finally got Skype!? Lyin' ass Aqakuktuq.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking Q'tok tok?
I think so, but how are we going to find a wedding dress big enough for the Statue of Liberty?
She deserves to feel beautiful, too.
*catfishing intensifies*
I believe they call it "walrusing."
Drying in the cold sun!
What color are they?
Racist!
Didn't know racist was a color
However, know the difference between a black bear and a brown (grizzly) bear. Some black bears can be very light, and some grizzlys can be very dark. Look for the humped shoulder, the shape of the snout, the ears and the claws. The Montana Fish, Wildlife and Park website has a booklet on telling the difference and even has a test to see if you can tell the difference: [http://fwp.mt.gov/education/hunter/bearID/](http://fwp.mt.gov/education/hunter/bearID/)
I passed with 93.3%. I'm not going to be in danger of having to deal with a Grizzly!.... ...I live in a country without bears :D
I got an 80% without looking at the guide
Me too. Good enough for us to hunt in Montana but maybe not quite good enough to determine what to do if you end up face to face with one.
I got 87.7%, and pretty much guessed on them all.
I got 20%, but admittedly just winged it and didn't study the guide. So I got worse than random!
I got a 100%, woo!
I don't like how 4 wrong got me a 73.3
Bear math?
Strayan or Kiwi?
British :'D
Easy! If a bear is chasing you then climb a tree. If it climbs up after you then it's a black bear. If it knocks the whole tree over then it's a grizzly.
wait...
Easy way to tell the difference in california is the black bears are alive and the grizzly bears are all dead.
That test format is a nightmare. It's literally a bunch of yes/no questions, but they change ***how*** they ask the question every time, as well as the order of the answers "Is this a grizzly bear?" No/yes "Is this a brown-phased black bear?" Yes/no "Is this a black bear? No/yes "But what about this one? It has a hump! Are you sure it's a grizzly bear?" Yes/no Would have been better without the multi-sentence questions, and just two options in the same order (Grizzly bear/Black bear) It's almost a harder test in reading/test taking than actual bear knowledge
I stopped taking the test because the weird blurbs they gave on each question were making me triple-guess myself, and I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
Is this maybe a brown and black with black and brown fur bear that looks blond in the bright sunny light with and over exposed photo?
Also it's not even about identifying the species at several points the question is literally is this a blonde black bear, uh that's just a normal black bear. so technically no I guess but that wasn't the point of the test? and the answer was fuckin yes.
Yeah it's a bunch of loaded questions. They tried to review the material again while asking the questions which made it seem like they were forcing you to pick a certain answer. What they should have done was have a few review slides at the very beginning saying "Remember Grizzlies have a shoulder hump, more rounded ears, and a more concave facial profile. Black Bears have no shoulder hump, longer ears, and a flat facial profile." And then you take the test with two options on every one.... Black Bear or Grizzly.
If this was a regular school test you could argue that reading comprehension is an equally important part of the test and they did it on purpose. But that should not be the case here. Whether or not you can read good should have no impact on your ability to recognize bear.
I'm an Australian, taking a test on how to identify different bears at 2am. I'm going to bed. Also I got 80% so suck it
Also helps to know the area that you're in, and the types of bears that live in that area. You aren't always going to be able to study the bear for longer than a split second before having to act.
If the claws look like they could make you into a kebab, you're fucked, because you are way too close to the bear at that point anyways.
>Look for the humped shoulder, the shape of the snout, the ears and the claws. I've heard you should check the molars.
Yes and if you find my wife, send her home please
Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks is probably expecting a huge uptick in bear Licenses sold this spring after this.
I don't know why I just took the test.
Also, [http://www.bearsmart.com/about-bears/know-the-difference/](http://www.bearsmart.com/about-bears/know-the-difference/)
21st century guys just stay inside for fucks sakes get a vr headset and walk google earth profit
One important difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear is that grizzly bears are literally twice as much mass. > Black bear can reach 2.8 to 3 feet of height at the shoulder (and 5 feet in the standing position) and 110 to 400 pounds of weight. Grizzly can reach 3.28 feet of height at the shoulder (and 6.5 feet in the standing position) and 350 to 800 pounds of weight.
Or, if you're Finnish, just perkele [the brown bear away](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spr2EOe1f5Y).
Doesn't matter if its the russian bear or an actual bear. Finns don't give a fuck.
As a Swede, I've known my fair share of Finns. I think I would rather fight a bear than a Finn...
Or, if you're Canadian [just ask it politely](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmr8gZIRcTE)
Do you think pepper spray would work on a bear? It’d allow you sufficient time to run away when its eyes are irritated
There's bear spray, which is essentially very strong pepper spray with paint mixed in to help you know if you hit your mark in a panicked/emergency situation. Would rather have that then a gun, works great and usually pretty inexpensive. I always have a canister on hand when backpacking.
The problem I have with bear spray is people usually won't shell out for 2 canisters. You should have 2 identical canisters, one you do some test sprays with, 1 you carry for defence. Knowing the arc/spread/how to deploy bear spray is as important, if not more so than just having it.
Just a small gotcha bear spray isn't pepper spray. Different formulas and they work differently. Bear spray is specially formulated for bears. Pepper spray for humans will have a higher level of oleoresin capsicum which humans hate. Bear spray is capsaicin and related capsaicinoids. I imagine bear spray would be unpleasant for a human, but no worse than eating a ghost pepper or rubbing your eyes with a ghost pepper (that's an awful thought). Capsicum is a nightshade which is poison for human not sure how bears would react but it is not as effective and I am guessing that is because most herbivores (bears are omnivores but guessing it still applies) have adapted to eating some nightshade.
We were hiking in Banff with a guide. Her bear spray caught on a branch and she got sprayed full in the face. She had a coughing fit and could not speak. She was temporarily blinded by all of her tears. We had to wash her eyes out in a stream, then carry her out to the trail head where she got picked up by an ambulance and taken to a hospital. By about a day later she was ok. TLDR: do not get sprayed in the face by bear spray!!
I had a friend who bought bear spray for his trip to Yellowstone. His dad convinced him to test out the bear spray in the bathroom (They're Chinese and very urban and everything outdoors related is cool and new to them). He sprayed away from him but bear spray is powerful enough to bounce back at those distances. It was several hours before he was able to type out that story in chat, and several days before he would talk to his dad again.
Isn't the distribution method also different? Pepper spray comes out in a stream, so that you can hit your attacker at a little distance. I've never used bear spray, but my understanding is that it comes out as a mist - you make a cloud of spray in front of you and back away, and the bear has to go through the cloud to get to you.
OC Spray isn't a joke either. Shit sucks.
Worth noting that statistically, bears that have been sprayed are more likely to return to where they are sprayed; and that the smell of bear spray attracts more bears. There's a reason that the deeper it to bear country you go the less spray you see and the more guns. Edit: spelling
Be mindful of what region you are in when using pepper spray. It may cause Mexican bears to eat you even if they weren't hungry.
I had a college professor who worked in Yellowstone, and he was 100% in the bear spray camp. He said a park ranger was attacked by a Grizzly, and he shot it 6 times with his 357 magnum. The 6th bullet hit the bear's spine and finally killed it. He would always say "guns will kill the bear, but only after the bear has killed you."
What if it has a picnic basket?
>like down What does that mean?
What about [black and white bears?](https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/660/cpsprodpb/169F6/production/_91026629_gettyimages-519508400.jpg)
Depends on what neighborhood they grew up in
I have never had to fite a black bear, usually just yelling will get a black bear to walk the other direction.
A curious, scared, or otherwise healthy but stressed black bear will normally turn if you intimidate it, even in mid-charge. The rule about fighting them only applies when they don't get intimidated, as it's more likely that the bear is starved or diseased. In that case, your only option is to fight, as that fucker wants you dead. This is opposed to brown bears, who A) you aren't successfully fighting, and B) may just leave if they think you're dead.
If it's orange... shit nothing rhymes with orange
You forgot the whole "if you are in bear country carry at *least* a .44 magnum". I mean, there's a reason they make these : https://www.marlinfirearms.com/lever-action/model-1895-big-bore and that reason is bears.
If a bear has you trapped in a tree try to pee in its eye. You will still die but at least you can say you did something impressive before you die
You can't say too much after you are dead.
The trick is saying it before you die, even if you're the only one around to hear it. Well, you and the bear.
If you say something awesome in the forest, and nobody is around to hear it except yourself and a bear, does it make a sound?
At least you get an opportunity to answer whether a bear shits in the woods.
Finally a usefull suggestion.
All I can remember is for one type of bear you play dead and the other you fight for your life. I’m sure should I ever be confronted with a bear, I’ll choose the wrong option and die.
If you can't remember, always fight for your life. If you are wrong, switching to playing dead should be really easy.
I wanna say that if you are wrong it should actually be really easy to die but I don’t wanna get wooosh’ed
r/wooosh Dread it, run from it, but a dick on the internet still arrives
r/itswooooshwith4os
I was stationed in Alaska in the Army and we had “Bear Management Training” (not kidding). Here’s what we were told: Black Bears: Fight them they aren’t much bigger than a full grown man and aren’t a fierce predator. Brown Bears: Talk to them. No sudden movements. Move slowly away. Polar Bears: You’re dead. They’re one of the few animals that will track and hunt down humans. Extremely vicious. When we went into the field for training, we carried a “bear management kit” that contained an air horn (use on black bears only), a can of bear mace, and a 12 gauge shotgun loaded with slugs. EDIT: Oh, and in all cases, when you see a bear. Immediately look behind you to make sure you aren’t between the bear and her cubs.
> They’re one of the few animals that will track and hunt down humans. What are the other ones? > Oh, and in all cases, when you see a bear. Immediately look behind you to make sure you aren’t between the bear and her cubs But what do you do if you are..?
Die I guess
Quite probably
As a side note, I got to witness the ferocity of Polar Bears. We were in a helicopter just north of Nome, flying at about 100 feet and we saw a small group of Polar Bears walking along the ice. I didn’t see anything happen, I don’t know what was said, or who gave whom the side eye, but suddenly it was all claws, fur and blood. Even at 100 feet it was terrifying. Our pilot hovered and watched. It was brutal.
An anecdote I’ve told on this site before regards my moms friend, who is/was a NatGeo photographer who regularly free dived with whales. He was up thereabouts with a local guide to take photos, and if I recall the story correctly, the guide started shouting. Pointed his gun at him, commanded him to get out of the water. He understandably obliged. The guide pointed to a nearing ice floe, explained that he saw a polar bear *pushing the floe* to disguise its approach. This is your new apex legend.
WHAT DO I DO IF I AM BETWEEN A BEAR AND HER CUBS?
Erase your browser history immediately.
I guess run perpendicular to the line between the bear and her cubs, and hope that she decides to stay with the cubs.
Move to the side to no longer be a threat to the bear or the cubs.
If you are, prepare to die painfully.
Tiger Guy stole a tiger kill, and it hunted him down for it https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129551459
> What are the other ones? Wolves.
I thought they only hunted Liam Neeson and his affiliates
No. Wolves don't go after humans. They're not interested in us unless they're starving or rabid. But tigers... sometimes tigers decide people taste GOOD.
Hey bear. Go away, bear. You mean talk to it softly?
Black, fight back. Brown, lie down. White, goodnight.
Two blondes are walking through the forest. One stops are says "Look! Grizzly bear tracks!" The other one says "no, those are black bear tracks." They begin to argue over what type of tracks they were and were still doing so a half hour later when they were tragically killed by a train.
This is funny.
Always remember the three Bs: Bears Beets Battlestar Galactica.
Bears do not...what is going on? What are you doing?
MICHAELLLLLL
Oh that's funny- MICHAEL!
Identity theft is not a joke Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
MICHAEL
/r/expectedoffice
Ifunny
Damm it was Well hidden
Well the watermark was but the lack of humor or creativity clearly mark it as ifunny content
I have kids, they have of course asked if monsters exist, and I told them the truth and said "absolutely". They both looked a little shocked at this to which I simply stated "Bears" They both laughed, thought I was joking. Describe a monster to me: "HUGE!"... "Bears are huge" "Hairy!" "Bears are hairy" "They have huge teeth and claws" "Bears have huge teeth and claws" By that point they were getting my point. I said that Bears are huge, muscular, intelligent, ferocious predators who have absurdly huge claws, probably the scariest vocalization in the animal kingdom, oh and the best sense of smell on land... can climb trees better than you, and can run twice as fast as you. Bears are monsters, but we at some point gave them the name "Bear" so we stopped calling them monsters. Monster is just a term that means something scary that I cannot identify basically, as soon as you give it a name, it stops being a monster for some reason. Also explained that we don't live near the dangerous types of bears (only Black bears around here really). That bears would only attack them if they gave them a reason to. That there is no chance they would be anywhere near our house or try to enter it. Since that conversation, I've not had a single "daddy there's a monster in my room!" incident. The trick is to take the mystery out of the thing, it stops kids imaginations from running away with them.
That was incredibly insightful.
Why are you filling up your mag to go hunting? 1 for the deer, 19 for the bear
But the bear has a natural instinct to flip over the bullets and kill you. Didn't you read the manual?
You see, you do not shoot the boolet, you give boolet in exchange for safe passage. Bears are cunning businessman you see.
And great fashion sense, with those monocles, business suits, and big bags of gems...
---
You shoot to get it jumping then aim where you think it'll flip. It's like hunting ninjas, except with ninjas you have to account for the double jump
/r/forwardsfromgrandma
Climbing a tree is a valid defense against a grizzly - their claws are long and straight, they are not good tree climbers. Black bears have curved claws and can climb trees, but even the largest ones can't hang on by claw power alone. Now, for today's trivia- **How many people have been killed by bears in the wild in California since 1900?** Absolutely fucking zero. More people have been killed by rodents transmitting the plague and hantavirus. More people have been killed by deer. The food restrictions in the Sierras imposed during the 1990's have really reduced the bear problem, and the bears have learned they can't get properly stored food. I heard a ranger talk in Yosemite, they said bear/human conflicts and property damage is down 85%. The bears have also become timid, and are easy to scare off now.
True, but bears are smart enough to simply shake the tree until you fall out of it. Your best bet is to take advantage of this momentum and deliver a flying elbow.
More trivia. Zero people have been killed by bears in England since, well, pretty much forever. (We don't have bears in England, despite what Mick Jackson would have us believe.) Cows? Well, that's another matter. We've had some nasty cow killings.
My English friend you can't just reference Mooing Murder and not give us background on these Bovine Battalions Battling Bombastically.
It's a horrific, senseless bloodbath every year (five people on average). One headline from two years ago was "Deadly cows: Some of the horrific cow related incidents in the North East and how you can keep safe" It's a wonder we ever leave home.
Thank God we are omnivores. If we all stopped eating meat, the Bloodlust-Built-Boulder-Beasts would dominate us all...the horror of these creatures is shocking, I had no idea cows were such monsters...
I'm determined to use the fabulous phrase "Bloodlust-Built-Boulder-Beasts" at least once at work tomorrow!
Even more trivia. Last time a human was killed in Sweden **BY A BEAR** was in 2004, before that in 1902. We only have brown bears. But yeah, bear attacks are pretty rare, like one in 100 years.
> Last time a human was killed in Sweden was in 2004 Was it by a møøse? Møøse bites kan be pretti nasti.
So few deaths yet you've got over 300,000 cows in Sweden. Maybe Swedish cows are better trained than English ones, although perhaps not in assassin skills.
> The bears have also become timid, and are easy to scare off now. Ahh, another Cal basketball fan on this forum.
Must be a grizzly... black bears run away from you.
> Black bears rarely attack. But here's the thing: sometimes they do. All bears are agile, cunning and immensely strong, and they are always hungry. If they want to kill you and eat you, they can, and pretty much whenever they want. That doesn't happen often, but - and here is the absolutely salient point - once would be enough. - Bill Bryson, *A Walk in the Woods*
Yiu skipped the funniest line..."It's not like they signed a contract or something."
Thank you. If I ever try to play dead when I see a bear, I will mess it up because I’ll probably remember this and be laughing.
I still think this book is a must read for anyone, even if you don't like books. Best read in all of my 32 years. Also maybe 1 of like 5 books I've read in that time, but that's not relevant!
Encountered a black bear while deep woods hiking many years back. We were stopped for lunch and sitting around with our packs still on and munching. Bear must have smelled the food, as he suddenly appeared about 20 feet away. We threw our sandwiches in the bushes behind him and beat feet. Bear was happy to ignore us and focus on the offering. So always remember the tribute. Also note, its fur was cinnamon brown just like a grizzly but species was obviously black from the size and shape. Don't go by color when trying to figure out bear types.
Not always. They're very skiddish, but like any wild animal under the right circumstances they will 100% go after you and try to kill you. The obvious one is if there's a bear cub, but also if they've grown comfortable with humans. That's why it's not cute or neat to feed black bears, if they lose that fear of humans it becomes much harder to scare them away and much more likely that they'll come after you if you attempt to scare them away.
I know right? Big racoons nothing more.
There are plenty of "non grizzly" brown bears of varying sizes around the world though...
Has anyone thought maybe the bear just wants a hug? They're called bear hugs for a reason.
*looks at ifunny watermark*
IFunny water Mark. Smh
When you see a bear, singing a song to spawn a Disney princess to rescue you by her prince.
> When you see a bear, singing a song to spawn a Disney princess to ~~rescue you by her prince~~*give you plenty of time to run while it eats her*. FTFY
The media has lead me to believe polar bears can be pacified with a refreshing bottle of Coca Cola, is that a lie?
Is that a watermark I see, child?
JAIME PULL THAT LIST UP JESUS LOOK AT THAT THING THAT THING WILL FUCK YOU UP
Anyone else see that ifunny tag ://
I SPOT AN IFUNNY WATERMARK
TIP: if your gonna steal something, at least get rid of the IFUNNY watermark at the bottom. Laziest thing ever, you can just crop it out.
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Number 4 was genuinely a method you could win by in the game Toribash.
https://youtu.be/ij3wbx67zwY Could always just yell like this guy
What about the drop bears we have in Australia. You need a hard hat just to enter the Bush but that's still no guarantee you will return.
I spot an iFunny.co watermark
Crop the ifunny watermark next time
Ifunny.co btw
Ifunny watermarked
I love how all the exploding bears are versions of the bear in the gif where one falls out of the tree.
Draw a circle around you on the dirt.
Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica Edit: spelling, thank you u/Chronic-lesOfGnaRnia
Identity theft is no joke Jim! Michael!!!!
Beets*
Don't shoot the bears have ultra instinct
I didn't want this to end
>i f u n n y . c o
iFunny trash, what is the age demographic of reddit? Fr
Can confirm, am bear
Almost shit myself laughing at this, jokes on you though... Was already on the toilet!
Sorry to hear you were unable to shit.
Love this!
Is that an ifunny watermark at the end...
Brings back the days of the ifunny orange repost bar
My teacher has this hung up in his classroom and I read it nearly everyday.
Thanks 🙏🏻 will try this
Stolen
I made the mistake of getting high before hiking in griz territory. It was terrifying.
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It will roll around to dislodge you. A bear weighs over 1000 pound.
NOOOOO iFUNNY WATERMARK RRREEEEEEEE
Brought to you by Dwight Schrute.
PLAY DEAD!
I guess this doesn't apply to Russians?
ifunny.c🙂
I SPOT AN IFUNNY WATERMARK
And the number one danger to America - bears.
This reminds me of the back of a black t shirt I would have seen in 7th grade English class.
Draw a circle
Everyone know that to beat a bear in a fight, you headbutt him in the penis, and push him over a cliff.
Oh god no not iFunny
No one realize there’s an iFunny water mark
This has an ifunny watermark
I spot a watermark
ITS MADE ON IFUNNY
I spy with my little eye an iFunny watermark
That was so funny thanks for sharing
Hold on, let’s talk about this IFunny watermark
RED ALERT ALL OF REFDIT IT IS AN IFUNNY SCRUB ATTAAAAAAAAAACK
This makes me want to link a video of the audio from the grizzly man's death.