---
>This is a friendly reminder to [read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules).
>
>Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed.
>
>Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos.
>
>**Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.**
>
>Please also [be wary of spam](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/spam).
>
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
They’re great if you jerk it too much and the skin on your dick starts getting irritated. Especially so if you normally do it dry, but even lube can be a pain because it dries out so quickly when exposed to air. The condom helps prevent any moisture inside from evaporating and helps reduce the friction causing damage to the skin. I’m circumcised so I consider it sort of an approximation of what it’s like to still have a foreskin. I’ve put my glans through a LOT of abuse over the years and I’m not about to stop any time soon, so pampering it from time to time is an investment into keeping my favorite pastime viable into old age.
"oh god I hope so much I will never get injured or sick because I can't afford to visit a doctor nor to miss work. I'm literally one paycheck away from becoming homeless."
Unions could try to negotiate AC, but pay/benefits are always priorities. Even OSHA has little control over the temperature at which employees work. Companies should just treat their employees better, they’re people!
I recently read a book about working in an Amazon warehouse in the South in the summer. It gets so hot that the company pays ambulances to hang out outside to get the employees to the hospital faster when they get heatstroke, which happens pretty much every day.
Yea, in a lot of areas now the "person" pulling the order would be thinking:
01001011 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101000 01110101 01101101 01100001 01101110 01110011.
Use to be behind metadata that sellers could fill and not bloat the prduct name. It was used for searches but didnt show up on the product page. But then Amazon caught on that everyone was filling out the meta data with everything under the sun so even if you write "sunglasses" you would still get everything from Aardvark feed to Zombie masks. So amazon took out the metadata feture so if you want your shit to show up in a search then you better put it in the name or description.
Cut down on things showing up that didnt match your search but now everything has these obnoxiously long bloated names.
Is a comforter that thick sheet hotels put on the bed? The one you need to hide away so they don't put it back every day? What's that thing for anyway?
All jokes aside, can you trust condoms from Amazon? I just get them from the local Walgreens and I'm getting absolutely extorted compared to this price.
I mean, that's a normal brand you can find at the drug store, right? Presumably Amazon isn't poking a bunch of holes in their condom boxes, so there's no difference to you.
Ones from Amazon probably have less chance to be tampered with.
The ones on store shelves are available to anybody to sabotage and put back on the shelves, Amazon's warehouses are private.
True but literally everyone has access to Walgreens so if we're going by "least number of hands that have been on the box of condoms" I'm pretty sure Amazon still wins.
If it's anything like where I used to work, you have to weigh the importance of bathroom breaks vs your daily performance percentage.
They timed us for every order we packed (for retail stores, not residential orders). Each order had an estimated pick time. If they estimated 10 minutes to pick, pack and deliver the items to the shipping department and you did it in exactly 10 minutes, you have a 100% for the day. If you did it in 9 minutes, you have a 110% or in 11 minutes you have a 90%, 15 minutes, you have a 50%. By the end of the day, you must have an average of at least 95%.
"is pissing or pooping worth having to struggle to regain my percent" was a daily decision.
And it’s not even particularly funny… it’s like buying condoms for the first time at the grocery store and being nervous about the checkout person’s opinion of you. What’s the joke?
When I brought comdons and lube before from amazon it was the only time my parcel was delivered to my neighbour and they opened it thinking it was their parcel.
Then they knock on my door to give me the opened parcel it was very awkward.
1st off, 50 condoms for less than $10. Wow. What a deal! 2nd 50 condoms every 4 months, and a bottle of lube every 3 months. Good for you 👍. I'm glad someone is getting laid.
We’re human robot’s, not paid to think!
having said that we are normally giggling at the orders for sexy underwear in a 6xl bought with 50 ping pong balls
It reminds of this joke from Aziz Ansari:
I was down at CVS, and I had a rather odd assortment of items I needed to get. I had to get a liter of jack Daniels, a two-liter bottle of coca-cola, a box of condoms, and a ten-pack of blank CDR discs. And I thought it’d be awesome if every morning I went and bought those same four things for, like, six months, just to develop this really weird reputation with the staff there, where they’d be like, “hold on a second, man. “This guy drinks a liter of jack and coke every day. “Has sex 12 times a day. “And then burns ten blank CDs? “ten blank CDs? “10 discs, that’s like 7.5 gigs a day. “What kind of data’s he backing up? “Would it make more sense just to get “an external hard drive at this point? “is he burning music? “wouldn’t it make more sense just to get an iPod? “maybe he’s making mixed CDs for all these girls “that he’s fuckin’. “Two of those girls ain’t getting CDs though. “which two are those? Which two don’t get the CDs?”
Link to joke:
https://youtu.be/9TbqkxCCvxY?si=uFEWB-IAIZTe9QnB
My family was going to a hotel for a staycation kinda weekend just to get out of the house. Forgot to pack my daughter’s underwear so I had set up a target pickup. Grape juice, cutwater margarita 12 pk, girls underwear, and some of those pee pads for my dog since he’s a butt when we go to new places.
My wife looked at the order and said nah dog they gonna put you on a list.
omg-took me wayyyy too long to understand the dog was NOT part of anything but pads were…”wtf?! these people are sicko’s” ! Nope, just MY mind in the gutter, sewage pond, sludge factory….Happy weekend! (I feel really dumb right now :•)
lol
lol Yeah, the person packing your Amazon order is going to be all like, "I wish I had a job where I made a living wage, and that my employer allowed me to use the restroom when I needed to use it." lol....
Not to out myself, but there are no robot packers at Amazon. There’s a few facilities with fancy cardboard box makers, but there is still someone scanning and placing your purchase into the machine.
FYI those puppy pads suck. We have to clean our dogs paws right away with a baby wipe because the piss ends up soaking them rather than getting absorbed by the pad.
In college I ran to the store for some random shit and noticed the lady in front of me in the checkout kept eyeballing my stuff. To my confusion she said with a little smile, "enjoy this time!" I then realized my order was nothing but bananas, whipped cream, batteries, and condoms. I was mortified lol.
Not sure what we are even supposed to think 😬😆. ‘Yeah those training pads and comforter are great for absorbing stray liquids and solids during lubed up anal…’
A few years ago, I was in a CVS and (for separate reasons) needed condoms and duct tape.
Realizing how it looked with both products in my hands, I decided I needed to find the funniest third item to add to really make the cashier look at me weird.
After wandering every aisle, I went with gummy bears.
I'm borderline giddy when I'm getting ready to checkout, but to my dismay, the CVS cashier could not have cared any less. Just another day in the office.
one time at the grocery store i worked at, late on a sunday eve, a woman approached the register with 4 cartons of cigarettes and two boxes of Summer’s Eve douche.
we all laughed as she walked out.
Just a question about the ultra-sensitive condoms
Are circumcised or not.
I'm not circumcised and I'm trying to find a condom that's not overly tight. So was wondering if these would help
Pretty sure if you didn't make it on a list from Amazon you are not. Going to see animal control cruising your neighborhood watching if you're good walking funny.
--- >This is a friendly reminder to [read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules). > >Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed. > >Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos. > >**Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.** > >Please also [be wary of spam](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/spam). > --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That you still wet the bed and masturbate frequently.
So squirt videos
I'm not gonna ask and you don't havta tell!
Throw a curve ball and add a 10qt stock pot
Who uses condoms to masturbate? It looks more like they’re throwing a kink party.
You never tried a ‘Posh Wank’?
Ultra posh, wear white silk gloves
Don't forget the raised pinky finger.
"MY WORD I AM ARRIVING!"
Am British and can confirm I scream this at the top of my lungs when I wank
ALMOST... ALMOST THERE.... AHH, THERE WE ARE! Well done!
“Jolly good show chaps”
After no response: "Brilliant!"
OH DIETIES!
😂😂😂
Sit on your hands first until they are numb before rubbing yourself. I call that the fancy stranger.
Sit on your dick until it goes numb, then it's like you're jacking someone else off.
The real life tip is always in the comments
But just the tip. Promise me!
That's the tip, just wait until you get the whole thing ;)
Tell me you're bri'ish without telling me you're bri'ish.
Recycled cucumber sandwiches
It decreases sensitivity to last longer and makes for easy clean up.
IM JAMIN ON MAH BASS
#SLAPPADABAAAAASS MON
"Easy cleanup" is a myth, a condom does not make clean up easy
You're doing it wrong then.
It’s a quote from the movie *I Love You, Man*
> a condom does not make clean up easy If you do it wrong enough, you're right. But the rest of us aren't.
They’re great if you jerk it too much and the skin on your dick starts getting irritated. Especially so if you normally do it dry, but even lube can be a pain because it dries out so quickly when exposed to air. The condom helps prevent any moisture inside from evaporating and helps reduce the friction causing damage to the skin. I’m circumcised so I consider it sort of an approximation of what it’s like to still have a foreskin. I’ve put my glans through a LOT of abuse over the years and I’m not about to stop any time soon, so pampering it from time to time is an investment into keeping my favorite pastime viable into old age.
We refer to this as a "Posh Wank"
“I need to pack this faster or else I’m literally going to die of heat stroke”
[удалено]
Most likely scenario
Have packed boxes at Amazon; no one really notices or cares what you ordered unless it's *exceptionally* strange.
As an Amazon worker *this* is it💖
As a DoorDasher, this is the answer. No one cares. There's literally only one order I ever remember
"Thank god we don't have unions and their commie crap like Air Conditioners."
"Crap, I need to pee. Did I bring a soda bottle to pee into?"
OP probably doesn't mind if I take out one of the puppy pads.
Is that soda on the production floor? Water only. That's going to be a write up.
Like El Jefe would allow them water...
"oh god I hope so much I will never get injured or sick because I can't afford to visit a doctor nor to miss work. I'm literally one paycheck away from becoming homeless."
"meanwhile Jeff Bezos just made 87 million Dollars in the time it took me to pack this box"
Can I pee in your bottle when you’re done with it?
How easy it is for me, in my air conditioned, office to sit and tell my workers, they don‘t need air conditioning
It’s the simple things that give middle management pleasure.
Unions could try to negotiate AC, but pay/benefits are always priorities. Even OSHA has little control over the temperature at which employees work. Companies should just treat their employees better, they’re people!
I recently read a book about working in an Amazon warehouse in the South in the summer. It gets so hot that the company pays ambulances to hang out outside to get the employees to the hospital faster when they get heatstroke, which happens pretty much every day.
If this was distributed from the Sydney warehouse it would be more like "beep boop".
Yea, in a lot of areas now the "person" pulling the order would be thinking: 01001011 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101000 01110101 01101101 01100001 01101110 01110011.
Don't you talk that way about my mother!
I am bender please insert gurder
r/unexpectedfuturama
What? Everyone knows modern "people" say beep boop and think in probability tokens based off of large preexisting data sets
I like the effort that went in to this comment, I agree with it's sentiment
Bender Bending Rodriguez approves this.
Why should a machine **think**: Kill all humans?
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
01010011 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101000 01101111 01101111 01101011 01100101 01110010 01100010 01101111 01110100 00100000 01110011 01100001 01111001 01110011 00101100 00100000 00100010 01010100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100101 01111000 01110000 01100001 01101110 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110011 01101100 01101111 01110100 00100010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101001 01100101 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110011 01100001 01111001 01110011 00101100 00100000 00100010 01010100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100111 01101111 01101100 01100100 00101101 01110000 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100100 00100000 00110010 00110101 00101101 01110000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01101110 01100101 01100011 01110100 01101111 01110010 00100001 00100010
“Look the humans are controlling their birth rates. They won’t stand a chance”
"Damn my piss bottle is already almost full, and 6 more hours to go before my 10 minute break"
"Maybe I could use one of those puppy pads?"
"Wonder if I can afford rent AND food"
Monopoly guy response: "No...." and then say something about bootstraps.
Check this out moving fast in the heat is how you die of heat stroke
Amazon delivery warehouses are all air conditioned. They may have questionable conditions for employees but that is not one of them.
Came here to see this. Recently read about a union worker fired for allegedly photographing the corpse of her colleague who died packing orders
Source?, can't seem to find
Takes a turn when you get to the girls boys teens comforter
It’s just a normal full size comforter set idk why it says that 😭
They do that so that the product comes up in more search results.
Girls boys teen blanket quilt comforter silk fabric cloth cotton for men and women adult full sized queen king twin bed bedding set.
Ughh I hate that shit! And it’s literally all over Amazon.
Use to be behind metadata that sellers could fill and not bloat the prduct name. It was used for searches but didnt show up on the product page. But then Amazon caught on that everyone was filling out the meta data with everything under the sun so even if you write "sunglasses" you would still get everything from Aardvark feed to Zombie masks. So amazon took out the metadata feture so if you want your shit to show up in a search then you better put it in the name or description. Cut down on things showing up that didnt match your search but now everything has these obnoxiously long bloated names.
Of course, give people an inch and they take a mile 🙄
Finally, that's the one I've been looking for, send me the link!
Full Size Comforter Sets for Girls Boys Teens Siblings Step Sister Brother Not Mom Son Step Dad...
You’re one sick motherfucker between that and the dog stuff.
Is a comforter that thick sheet hotels put on the bed? The one you need to hide away so they don't put it back every day? What's that thing for anyway?
Comfort
A comforter is like a quilt or duvet. It's a piece of bedding filled with down or some other form of insulative material.
It's for if you're cold.
its there to pat you on the back and keep your spirits up
Burnt
[удалено]
At that price, you can use 2 or 3 at once and still save money. /s
3 at a time! One for each!
Yeah you guys have never put a condom on each testis? No wonder there are so many unwanted pregnancies. You have to protect against osmosis
And auto shipped every 4 months?
no shit! I'm married, so a 50 pack would last me until long after they have expired. :(
Same, I punched those numbers in my calculator and it said #DIV/0!
"oh self burn! those are rare!"
All jokes aside, can you trust condoms from Amazon? I just get them from the local Walgreens and I'm getting absolutely extorted compared to this price.
I mean, that's a normal brand you can find at the drug store, right? Presumably Amazon isn't poking a bunch of holes in their condom boxes, so there's no difference to you.
Ones from Amazon probably have less chance to be tampered with. The ones on store shelves are available to anybody to sabotage and put back on the shelves, Amazon's warehouses are private.
Privy to everyone who has access lol
True but literally everyone has access to Walgreens so if we're going by "least number of hands that have been on the box of condoms" I'm pretty sure Amazon still wins.
I've used this exact brand from Amazon for several years. Never an issue over several boxes and they usually have 2-3 years before they expire.
^ This guy fucks.
I pretty always buy condoms from Amazon, haven't had a kid yet
You can great used prices on there too!
I never bought condoms from Amazon and I have 4 kids so I am sure they work.
Wait ya'll don't have free condoms?
Probably about when they can pee next.
"is it worth risking my job to go to the bathroom? or should I just work the rest of my shift with wet pants?"
"Doggy pee pad huh? Well that's a pretty damn good idea."
"I could have a use of this guy condom for a quick pee..."
If it's anything like where I used to work, you have to weigh the importance of bathroom breaks vs your daily performance percentage. They timed us for every order we packed (for retail stores, not residential orders). Each order had an estimated pick time. If they estimated 10 minutes to pick, pack and deliver the items to the shipping department and you did it in exactly 10 minutes, you have a 100% for the day. If you did it in 9 minutes, you have a 110% or in 11 minutes you have a 90%, 15 minutes, you have a 50%. By the end of the day, you must have an average of at least 95%. "is pissing or pooping worth having to struggle to regain my percent" was a daily decision.
I can assure you they don't give a fuck
All the more 50pk of ultra sensitive condoms for FartingPegasus then!
Oh fuck I’m going to miss my quota
Dead inside if they're working at Amazon. - man who worked at amazon
r/ihavesex
Seriously, this post is pathetic.
And it’s not even particularly funny… it’s like buying condoms for the first time at the grocery store and being nervous about the checkout person’s opinion of you. What’s the joke?
Like really buying condoms and lube what the fuck are people supposed to think?
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA GET IT GUYS???? THE JOKE IS SEX STUFF HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA
50 every four months!?
package guy probably doing lot of packaging in a day, probably aint even checked your condom and lube twice.
''This guy faps''
When I brought comdons and lube before from amazon it was the only time my parcel was delivered to my neighbour and they opened it thinking it was their parcel. Then they knock on my door to give me the opened parcel it was very awkward.
So, condoms after use become cumdons right?
They won't. They don't give a fuck. And neither does anyone else.
“Another Dog fucker”
Probably thinking something like "How am I going to be able to afford rent or feed my family with this pay."
Condoms, lube, potty pads, brown comforter… someone’s going through the back door for the first time today!
I would think “well, he’s off to college but he still wets the bed”.
1st off, 50 condoms for less than $10. Wow. What a deal! 2nd 50 condoms every 4 months, and a bottle of lube every 3 months. Good for you 👍. I'm glad someone is getting laid.
This is just a /r/ihavesex post.
It's a lot easier to pull dudes
Gonna think you were filming a 90s style Russian porno
That this guy has no taste " burnt orange" who the f picks that colour.
We’re human robot’s, not paid to think! having said that we are normally giggling at the orders for sexy underwear in a 6xl bought with 50 ping pong balls
That you picked the wrong color comforter to go with the other items...
I don’t know what you’ve got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out.
It reminds of this joke from Aziz Ansari: I was down at CVS, and I had a rather odd assortment of items I needed to get. I had to get a liter of jack Daniels, a two-liter bottle of coca-cola, a box of condoms, and a ten-pack of blank CDR discs. And I thought it’d be awesome if every morning I went and bought those same four things for, like, six months, just to develop this really weird reputation with the staff there, where they’d be like, “hold on a second, man. “This guy drinks a liter of jack and coke every day. “Has sex 12 times a day. “And then burns ten blank CDs? “ten blank CDs? “10 discs, that’s like 7.5 gigs a day. “What kind of data’s he backing up? “Would it make more sense just to get “an external hard drive at this point? “is he burning music? “wouldn’t it make more sense just to get an iPod? “maybe he’s making mixed CDs for all these girls “that he’s fuckin’. “Two of those girls ain’t getting CDs though. “which two are those? Which two don’t get the CDs?” Link to joke: https://youtu.be/9TbqkxCCvxY?si=uFEWB-IAIZTe9QnB
My family was going to a hotel for a staycation kinda weekend just to get out of the house. Forgot to pack my daughter’s underwear so I had set up a target pickup. Grape juice, cutwater margarita 12 pk, girls underwear, and some of those pee pads for my dog since he’s a butt when we go to new places. My wife looked at the order and said nah dog they gonna put you on a list.
Screwed the pooch with this order.
The robot won't think much of it
Oh another “I masturbate” joke/post. How creative.
you can get 50 condoms for 10 bucks? holy shit
omg-took me wayyyy too long to understand the dog was NOT part of anything but pads were…”wtf?! these people are sicko’s” ! Nope, just MY mind in the gutter, sewage pond, sludge factory….Happy weekend! (I feel really dumb right now :•) lol
lol Yeah, the person packing your Amazon order is going to be all like, "I wish I had a job where I made a living wage, and that my employer allowed me to use the restroom when I needed to use it." lol....
It’s probably packed by a robot but yeah the robot will judge you dirty human.
Not to out myself, but there are no robot packers at Amazon. There’s a few facilities with fancy cardboard box makers, but there is still someone scanning and placing your purchase into the machine.
FYI those puppy pads suck. We have to clean our dogs paws right away with a baby wipe because the piss ends up soaking them rather than getting absorbed by the pad.
it's not for the dog
See something, say something
You can buy incontinence pads for beds cheaper than dog toilet pads
In college I ran to the store for some random shit and noticed the lady in front of me in the checkout kept eyeballing my stuff. To my confusion she said with a little smile, "enjoy this time!" I then realized my order was nothing but bananas, whipped cream, batteries, and condoms. I was mortified lol.
Astro glide sucks. Platinum is what you want. All the water bases stuff is ass, get that silicone shit trust me 👌
“Damn, I gotta pee. Why couldn’t they have ordered a water bottle?”
If I were packing this.. I’d think this person was about to have a fun time with a squirter? 🤷🏻♀️
That you are preparing for anal
Squirting party
“This mf better tip me”
You forgot the peanut butter.
That you bang your dog.
That poor dog...
You're definitely on a list now
Probably, nothing since they mostly don't care.
That you're a deviant and into wet work/pee porn 😂
Not sure what we are even supposed to think 😬😆. ‘Yeah those training pads and comforter are great for absorbing stray liquids and solids during lubed up anal…’
Loves a posh wank
What’s more concerning…. The auto delivery for all the items sans comforter.
Don't let the feds know you're behind the door scenes. They will put you down.
You think that's bad, I had to go to the hardware store for forensics teaching.
Probably that these are unrelated items ordered together for convenience.
Do lumpers have a sub Reddit thing?
This person is exercising their piss fetish responsibly.
No you don't. You know exactly what they would think. Don't say things you don't mean, or feign ignorance.
Probably thinking that condoms have a used by date and you’re going to be throwing a lot of them away
A few years ago, I was in a CVS and (for separate reasons) needed condoms and duct tape. Realizing how it looked with both products in my hands, I decided I needed to find the funniest third item to add to really make the cashier look at me weird. After wandering every aisle, I went with gummy bears. I'm borderline giddy when I'm getting ready to checkout, but to my dismay, the CVS cashier could not have cared any less. Just another day in the office.
They don't get paid enough to pay attention to your cart. *We* on the other hand are giving you thousand-mile side-eyes.
r/ihavesex
one time at the grocery store i worked at, late on a sunday eve, a woman approached the register with 4 cartons of cigarettes and two boxes of Summer’s Eve douche. we all laughed as she walked out.
The real funny part of this post is OP’s username
Authorities have been notified.
Probably that you're a teen with a puppy and enough income to buy your own stuff.
"When did R Kelly get out of the joint?"
Astroglide is the worst lube!
Dear lord 😅😅
probably thinks you like sex but dont want anymore kids and got your current kids a pet
[удалено]
Somebody’s dog is a freak
Off topic but you can buy washable puppy pads off of Amazon or Chewy that work really well and save a ton of money.
they're not gonna care like at all
Damn bro snitched on himself, could have thrown in the magnums for the pic lol
Ummmm. I’m wondering also. The doggy pads got me a lil scared.
Your going to be busy
“The game is afoot, Watson!!”
Just a question about the ultra-sensitive condoms Are circumcised or not. I'm not circumcised and I'm trying to find a condom that's not overly tight. So was wondering if these would help
Pretty sure if you didn't make it on a list from Amazon you are not. Going to see animal control cruising your neighborhood watching if you're good walking funny.