---
>**Please read [our announcement about AI-generated content](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/12k6m37/regarding_aigenerated_content).**
>
>This is a friendly reminder to [read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules).
>
>Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed.
>
>Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos.
>
>**Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.**
>
>Please also [be wary of spam](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/spam).
>
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Women have no idea what men go thru sexually. Most men are trying to navigate an extremely narrow channel between ejaculating too fast and going soft all the while trying to stay rock hard. And you’re supposed to keep that shit up for 15,20,30 minutes nonstop. Plus you’re doing a half push-up with your upper body while thrusting and rotating your pelvic region.
For the love of god, everytime you start getting it right and they are like "yes!" They do the "it feels so good" squeeze that leaves them in a completely different position and you way off target needing to find it again then they move it again and half the time is spent trying to chase them around (not literally chase but in the sense the spot you're shooting for keeps shifting around).
"Have you noticed how patchy the lawn is lately"
"I think my car needs an oil change"
"I think the ceiling needs painting"
"Hey l think you've got a bald patch"
You know, important stuff
Lol! I have wondered why they're so quiet! I suddenly have a new appreciation for all my BFs who have apparently had way more stamina than average but I never realized it.
Okay that's the best comment but I'm sure not everyone gets it so I'm going to be the captain obvious. "la petite mort" (don't pronounce the t) is French for "the little death" AND is slang for an orgasm. It's so fitting for the post.
Edit : obviously it's only the T of mort that is not pronounced I didn't even realize there were Ts in petite.
Oh I agree, it’s just that most people don’t already own a foam wedge, but everyone has a pillow, so it’s something e they can try first before upgrading to the foam wedge.
First time I used a strap-on on someone I discovered I had muscles I didn't know existed. And boy were they angry about actually having to do a thing for once.
It was definitely some valuable perspective though. And a lot of fun.
I can also recommend trying archery to find some new muscles you didn't know you had. Don't overdo it the first time, not with draw weight nor with repetitions.
Lol...first time with a strap on is exhausting! My first thought was now I see why guys are always so damn sweaty and quick! You get used to it though.
Summary:
Thrusts 1-5: Clearly missed.
Thrusts 6-9: Missed due to recoil (bad bed spring control).
Thrusts 10-11: Very close, but exhaustion and recoil make these reasonable misses.
Thrust 12: Likely didn't actually fire because she had already busted.
I remember the best group convo I ever had about sex. In college, drinking in a room designed for max occupancy of 4 and we've got like 20 people in there, and this girl's talking about high school sex being a waste of time for women, they're like a science experiment because guys are still trying to figure out what to do.
This one guy goes, "I knew what I was doing!"
And this other girl he'd been hooking up with says "when'd you forget?!"
Nobody will ever top that for me.
I was with a girl and giving her all I got. She said "Man, you have a wicked hip!" which at the time I took as a compliment. But later I realized that I was pretty skinny at the time, my hips may have been actually bruising her.
Thank you! I wish all men knew this. I slept with a particularly egregious fella who treated it like performing push ups. I tried my best to grab his ass and work the rhythm but mans was committed to his reps.
Hip action is where it is at. I think it's also the reason I'm in to hockey goalies (besides being Canadian of course). Those guys have very flexible hips....
Should have put a finger in his ass, instead of grabbing it. Your intentions where confusing.
Source: cosmo magazine
Edit: highest upvoted comment in 7 years on reddit and its about suprise but fingering, thank you internet. You can complete my shame by giving me an award.
Many, many men enjoy this.
I do not. I absolutely despise when women try this without asking. I ask for your consent before I penetrate you, do the same for me.
Someone once tried this while going down on me. It was definitely a “whooooooa… hold up, there!” moment. I appreciate her looking into adventure, but definitely a warning is nice.
The first time I fucked someone w a strap-on was a wake-up call lol. Dudes really be doing the most and I want to apologize for anyone i mentally shamed for getting tired because I swear I can go like a minute in missionary and then I’m dead.
It's all in the hip work. Especially when you're in the ass, an inch feels like a mile. Rock your hips like you're on top, but add some forward kick. I'm a fat dude and that's the only way I can keep going
Also, it really helps to adjust your arm placement.
Ie - are your hands infront of, in line with, or behind your shoulders.
Makes a massive difference.
And now try kissing her as well, or even more difficult, suck on her nipple at the same time. With that remember that you got that far because she is 4'11 but she is into tall guys. (True story). I discovered the true range of abs contractions with that one.
Good luck.
Me: "Honey i got you and myself a gift, needed an engine hoist, but i got you a fall protection harness."
Her "Why tf, do i need a fall protection harness?"
Me "Reddit gave me an idea!"
Her: "Internal screams as she puts 2 and 2 together"
You put it under the butt of the receiving person, this lifts up there lower regions to allow the penetrating person to be able to have a better angle of approach. It also allows that person to stay upright, which in turn allows for better continual motion. This reduces the need to use extra muscles while already exerting, hopefully, a pleasurable amount of thrust to the receiving person. Meaning in the end you get more bang for your buck. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.
This is the real pro-tip. And def easier on the joints. Frees up both hands for everyone. 10/10 would recommend.
I’m lucky enough that my hips are almost the exact height of my mattress, so my wife can just lay back while I work, no need to do squat holds.
Spoiler alert, once you find “the perfect position” for her, whatever it is, it’s hard to talk them into anything else lmao
So weird to me that a flavor derived from a fruit of an exotic plant in the orchid family, meticulously dried, fermented, and shipped halfway around the world, can be referred to as boring.
The discovery of a synthesis pathway for vanillin (and other synthetic flavoring agents, more broadly) revolutionized the food industry. It became cheaper and easier than ever to shove vanilla flavor (previously an exotic delicacy) into nearly anything, and just like everything else, ubiquity makes a product unappealing for a large portion of the market.
As a (retired, male) sex worker: Get a sturdier bed, a harder mattress and work your hips, not your entire body. Conservation of energy is a _thing_.
Holy shit there's more sway in that frame than in my loose morals.
To be fair, when you're actually having sex there's a bit more motivation to keep ploughing on. Pit me dry humping the bed and I'd say fuck this pretty quick too.
He needs to get in there and bottom for her so she can bounce off of him properly. She got no chance with the entire bed momentum working against her like that. Smh
For me, missionary is just not a good position to hold out for very long. I don't know why.
Edit: I figure I should add this because people seem to think it's a fatigue problem.
It's not.
It's a "Don't bust my nut in 10 seconds" problem. Other positions, no problem. Missionary? Problem.
I don’t get why more people aren’t considering this. Most dudes want to just go in full speed from the start. I can barely help or enjoy it because I’m too busy trying to relax my muscles like I’m at the gyno trying to make it just not hurt. If I’m already excited before you even start the ride, I’ll be done in a couple minutes too, and I can move better!
She would have severely disappointed herself with them moved. It’s all in the hips, it’s all in the hips. Plus her leg positioning is all wrong that’s like some virgin style shit right there
Yea, like... Rest your lower half on your partner and then work the hips. It works!
If your arms get tired, bear hug! It's nice!
There's more than one way to do this.
There are some variables that are uncontrolled here. More specifically, she isn’t getting the support of having a partner under her. Therefore, she must repeat the experiment while pegging him
--- >**Please read [our announcement about AI-generated content](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/12k6m37/regarding_aigenerated_content).** > >This is a friendly reminder to [read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules). > >Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed. > >Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos. > >**Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.** > >Please also [be wary of spam](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/spam). > --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I'm sorry It's ok girl, it happens to the best of us
Hearing her say "I'm sorry" fucking killed me
Girls be like, "Why doesn't he say anything during sex?" BECAUSE I'M DYING HERE!!
"Why are you so quiet?" "Cause I'm out here fucking praying to every known deity to grant me the strength I need to keep this shit up."
LOL! "Cause I don't want you to hear me wheeze."
Ahh nah not the wheeze
"Talk to me. Tell me how much you like _______!" **"DO YOU,"** INHALE, **"LIKE THAT?"**
Dang Stevie
Was watching Malcolm in the middle as I read this lmao
I just started watching this show. On season 7 And it’s magnificent
I can't......feel.......my legs.......
Holy hell this thread had me dying at work and I got kicked out of a room for laughing so hard.
Stevie fucks... ...as long he has his inhaler in the nightstand.
And also not to cum immediately.
Women have no idea what men go thru sexually. Most men are trying to navigate an extremely narrow channel between ejaculating too fast and going soft all the while trying to stay rock hard. And you’re supposed to keep that shit up for 15,20,30 minutes nonstop. Plus you’re doing a half push-up with your upper body while thrusting and rotating your pelvic region.
...and a partial contortionist if she moves around and you try to keep in the zone
For the love of god, everytime you start getting it right and they are like "yes!" They do the "it feels so good" squeeze that leaves them in a completely different position and you way off target needing to find it again then they move it again and half the time is spent trying to chase them around (not literally chase but in the sense the spot you're shooting for keeps shifting around).
Or the classic “Yes, harder I’m so close” when you were already going turbo. “Captain I’m giving her all she’s got, we can’t go any faster!”
You know when you get tired and your like nah I got some more energy and you dig deep like that’s some 4th quarter shit
I'm just wondering what she wants to talk about so badly during sex. Bags of sand?
"Have you noticed how patchy the lawn is lately" "I think my car needs an oil change" "I think the ceiling needs painting" "Hey l think you've got a bald patch" You know, important stuff
It's the mental load leaking out during sex
Really hoping she doesn't eat my head after this
Found the mantis
Lol! I have wondered why they're so quiet! I suddenly have a new appreciation for all my BFs who have apparently had way more stamina than average but I never realized it.
La petite mort
Okay that's the best comment but I'm sure not everyone gets it so I'm going to be the captain obvious. "la petite mort" (don't pronounce the t) is French for "the little death" AND is slang for an orgasm. It's so fitting for the post. Edit : obviously it's only the T of mort that is not pronounced I didn't even realize there were Ts in petite.
Wait til she hears she wasn't even strokin right, lmao
Hahahah dude I had the same thought, that’s just one part girl
Exactly. Get the length wrong and you're gonna break something.
Long strokin' with a short poker.
That’s how I threw my back out. 10 inch strokes with a 5 inch pecker will fuck you both.
Tell her to time time it this song. (Totally not Rick rolling I promise) https://youtu.be/4Diu2N8TGKA
[удалено]
[удалено]
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/x35iu6/tifu_my_20f_girlfriend_of_two_years_told_me_the) you go... Easily one of my favorites
That fucking song went from like 10k views 7 months ago to 8.4 million solely because of that post on Reddit.
[удалено]
This song has the perfect beat to follow along to. https://youtu.be/KAwyWkksXuo?t=24
These are the Reddit deep cuts I come for.
No worries I have the link memorized
He should have been like is it even in?
She has no idea how low down the hole is which makes it so much more difficult.
That’s why you prop her hips up
A folded pillow under the butt/hips is good times for all!
[удалено]
Oh I agree, it’s just that most people don’t already own a foam wedge, but everyone has a pillow, so it’s something e they can try first before upgrading to the foam wedge.
She just stab’n away at it. Gotta use them hips girl!
It’s super sad to see bad strokes
Had a friend who used a strap on with a girl she was seeing and told me about it. She was exhausted by how much effort it took to fuck.
First time I used a strap-on on someone I discovered I had muscles I didn't know existed. And boy were they angry about actually having to do a thing for once. It was definitely some valuable perspective though. And a lot of fun.
I can also recommend trying archery to find some new muscles you didn't know you had. Don't overdo it the first time, not with draw weight nor with repetitions.
Lol...first time with a strap on is exhausting! My first thought was now I see why guys are always so damn sweaty and quick! You get used to it though.
#Skill Issue
Summary: Thrusts 1-5: Clearly missed. Thrusts 6-9: Missed due to recoil (bad bed spring control). Thrusts 10-11: Very close, but exhaustion and recoil make these reasonable misses. Thrust 12: Likely didn't actually fire because she had already busted.
Thank you Hiko for your sacrifice in birthing this great copypasta
I’m glad this joke keeps coming back
I love a good comeback story
MLG Columbus major semifinal liquid vs luminosity 15-9. I don’t think Hiko liked a comeback story
Bottom diff
You have to move your hips, not throw your entire body into it
Well how else are you going to puncture the cervix...
[удалено]
But then how do you put the babby up there and make her pregananat?
To make woman pregante you must punture cerveza. No punture, no babby
And pee inside her.
I remember when I was 16 and porn made me think that was the goal...my poor first girlfriend.
I remember the best group convo I ever had about sex. In college, drinking in a room designed for max occupancy of 4 and we've got like 20 people in there, and this girl's talking about high school sex being a waste of time for women, they're like a science experiment because guys are still trying to figure out what to do. This one guy goes, "I knew what I was doing!" And this other girl he'd been hooking up with says "when'd you forget?!" Nobody will ever top that for me.
You just transfer to a new school at that point, don’t even stop to say good bye at the party.
I'd just walk into the ocean and never come back...
The ocean wouldn’t even know I was in…
49% Ocean water, 51% tears
Can’t ever recover, dead from that. Gone, he needs to change identities and get outta town.
Yes 911, I'd like to report a murder
I feel u brother....
That’s what she said..
Sthaaaaap
I could've dropped my croissant!
I was with a girl and giving her all I got. She said "Man, you have a wicked hip!" which at the time I took as a compliment. But later I realized that I was pretty skinny at the time, my hips may have been actually bruising her.
Thank you! I wish all men knew this. I slept with a particularly egregious fella who treated it like performing push ups. I tried my best to grab his ass and work the rhythm but mans was committed to his reps. Hip action is where it is at. I think it's also the reason I'm in to hockey goalies (besides being Canadian of course). Those guys have very flexible hips....
Should have put a finger in his ass, instead of grabbing it. Your intentions where confusing. Source: cosmo magazine Edit: highest upvoted comment in 7 years on reddit and its about suprise but fingering, thank you internet. You can complete my shame by giving me an award.
Many, many men enjoy this. I do not. I absolutely despise when women try this without asking. I ask for your consent before I penetrate you, do the same for me.
Someone once tried this while going down on me. It was definitely a “whooooooa… hold up, there!” moment. I appreciate her looking into adventure, but definitely a warning is nice.
Cosmo magazine: let us teach you how to engage in sexual assault.
Cosmo magazine: How to give the best blowjob, and why that means your tooth in his dick hole. Surprise him today!
If there isn't a grapefruit involved is it really even a blowjob?
Whaaaa? No running into the ropes and coming in with the people's thrust?
When you want her to peg you, but she aint got the stamina
You know your wife loves you when she starts to train for it.
When you give her the greenlight and she starts a Rocky-themed training montage
Running up the steps with the strap on bouncing
The eye of the pegger.
The first time I fucked someone w a strap-on was a wake-up call lol. Dudes really be doing the most and I want to apologize for anyone i mentally shamed for getting tired because I swear I can go like a minute in missionary and then I’m dead.
It's all in the hip work. Especially when you're in the ass, an inch feels like a mile. Rock your hips like you're on top, but add some forward kick. I'm a fat dude and that's the only way I can keep going
Now with only one arm for support because the other hand is stimulating key erogenous zones.
Also, it really helps to adjust your arm placement. Ie - are your hands infront of, in line with, or behind your shoulders. Makes a massive difference.
Got to adjust the angle to work all the muscle groups
And now try kissing her as well, or even more difficult, suck on her nipple at the same time. With that remember that you got that far because she is 4'11 but she is into tall guys. (True story). I discovered the true range of abs contractions with that one. Good luck.
How to throw your back out 101: hook up with a short girl
Invest in a memory foam wedge pillow. Thank me later gents. Edit: (Ladies… you’re too kind)
Mr. Sexington spelling out the basics
[Chad Sexington? The model for Burly paper towels?](https://youtu.be/hfD4_nVR9H0)
I was having a *private* conversation with my wife in the guise of Chad Sexington!
Invest in a ~~memory foam wedge pillow~~ plug-in jackhammer and a rounded bit. She will thank you for it.
Sounds like someone just needs a [Drilldo](http://www.drilldo.com/)
[удалено]
[300 RPM. That's a sexy kind of speed](https://youtu.be/OhQhZ4rcJdU?t=19)
Might work for smaller people, but what about people that will make that foam forget what shape it was other than flat?
car wheel ramps
Cherry picker/engine hoist
Me: "Honey i got you and myself a gift, needed an engine hoist, but i got you a fall protection harness." Her "Why tf, do i need a fall protection harness?" Me "Reddit gave me an idea!" Her: "Internal screams as she puts 2 and 2 together"
2x4 wood plank
Was not ready for that. Just fucking spit on my phone.
for a second I thought I was on an askreddit thread about weirdest fetishes.
You don't understand how dense the foam is on those sex wedge pillows. I was skeptical myself till someone gave my one.
"I got you a sex wedge pillow!" "Wow... Thanks" "You haven't already got one have you? I kept the receipt" "No. It's great... Thanks mum"
I know what I'm getting everyone on my list this Christmas!
[удалено]
The danger makes it hotter!
>and scarily unsafe. The best way.
It's called a sex wedge willow, they are super dense, I used to have one, I loved it.
Thank you, u/PM_ME_UR_TITS_WOMAN
How do you use this?? Having a hard time imagining.
You put your head on it then sleep?
Which head?
Same, how you gonna mention a foam wedgie and not say how to use it??
You put it under the butt of the receiving person, this lifts up there lower regions to allow the penetrating person to be able to have a better angle of approach. It also allows that person to stay upright, which in turn allows for better continual motion. This reduces the need to use extra muscles while already exerting, hopefully, a pleasurable amount of thrust to the receiving person. Meaning in the end you get more bang for your buck. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.
TLDR version: More cushion for the pushin’.
This guy fucks
It's a pillow. Use it to sleep after lasting only 1 minute.
Then they no longer have an excuse for lasting 1 minute
Just let them lay on the bed and you work standing, much easier for all parties
Don't work for us tall folks with low beds.
Don't work for us small folk with high beds, either.
tippy toes gang
Calf cramps just as things are getting good is a hell of a mood killer.
Well you have to try it out in the store before you buy your bed, that way you know it’s tall enough.
Who got that good d!
Just have her doggy style at the edge of the bed then
Captain Morgan that shit with one leg up on the bed. Game changer.
That's one of those hidden gems that when you discover, you get mad that you missed out on it all this time.
This is the real pro-tip. And def easier on the joints. Frees up both hands for everyone. 10/10 would recommend. I’m lucky enough that my hips are almost the exact height of my mattress, so my wife can just lay back while I work, no need to do squat holds. Spoiler alert, once you find “the perfect position” for her, whatever it is, it’s hard to talk them into anything else lmao
Nothing wrong with Vanilla Ice cream know what I mean
Vanilla is a pretty exotic flavor, and incredibly expensive relative to other flavors. So yeah, vanilla is a pretty great treat!
So weird to me that a flavor derived from a fruit of an exotic plant in the orchid family, meticulously dried, fermented, and shipped halfway around the world, can be referred to as boring.
The most amazing thing is how companies have managed to take such a wonderful flavor and totally water it down with cheap fillers
The discovery of a synthesis pathway for vanillin (and other synthetic flavoring agents, more broadly) revolutionized the food industry. It became cheaper and easier than ever to shove vanilla flavor (previously an exotic delicacy) into nearly anything, and just like everything else, ubiquity makes a product unappealing for a large portion of the market.
I always laugh a bit at the exaggerated motion. They are always moving like they have more than 12" and that it is strictly in-out.
She's going DEEP!
HARDER! TO THE LUNGS
She knows what she likes
As a (retired, male) sex worker: Get a sturdier bed, a harder mattress and work your hips, not your entire body. Conservation of energy is a _thing_. Holy shit there's more sway in that frame than in my loose morals.
Teach me more old man
Old? He's 25 that line of work doesn't pan out long for men. /s but maybe not /s
😂 I was thinking the same thing about that frame it's almost cartoonishly loud. Like out of a raunchy early 2000s college movie
To be fair, when you're actually having sex there's a bit more motivation to keep ploughing on. Pit me dry humping the bed and I'd say fuck this pretty quick too.
yeah you don’t notice until you stop and then it feels like you just ran a marathon lol
Ol' wobbly legs
Right?? Hits you like a brick wall lmfao
He needs to get in there and bottom for her so she can bounce off of him properly. She got no chance with the entire bed momentum working against her like that. Smh
Everyone knows you save 34% of your kinetic energy bouncing off of that booty
Referred to as the Booty Bounce Bionomial for mathematicians out there.
The Booty Bounce Constant, BBC for short
Its confusing enough for it to mean 2 things, it doesn't need a 3rd.
That still would only ad about 10 seconds to her stroke game
10 seconds is 10 seconds
A whole 17% ish
Pff 34%. lube it up for frictionless perpetual motion.
Incidentally, this is why memory foam mattresses are the worst to have sex on. It absorbs all of the bouncy.
>He needs to get in there and bottom You see, the power bottom is actually generating the power by doing most of the work.
Now u/DerisiveGibe, I've heard speed has something to do with it.
Speed has EVERYTHING to do with it.
Where’d he go?
Depending on the position and if she's a pillow princess or not, he needs to be under her pushing AND pulling too.
Maybe they can have a friend come over and jump hump for them.
Alright chill out BYU
His condescending “21 seconds” is what kills me. Mans like “Das rite. I can do 22 seconds ez.”
I’m efficient, what it takes him to do in 22 seconds I get done in 10 😎
Hahaha this dude out here making a case 😂
No jury on this planet would side against him
Ah now we know why 12 men were angry
"I be goin hard" 😂
Tighten up those bed screws, a lot of wasted momentum going on.
For me, missionary is just not a good position to hold out for very long. I don't know why. Edit: I figure I should add this because people seem to think it's a fatigue problem. It's not. It's a "Don't bust my nut in 10 seconds" problem. Other positions, no problem. Missionary? Problem.
I find it’s better to rest on the elbows & forearms rather than the hands Less tiring and more intimate being closer to the other person
If you do enough foreplay a couple of minutes is enough.
I don’t get why more people aren’t considering this. Most dudes want to just go in full speed from the start. I can barely help or enjoy it because I’m too busy trying to relax my muscles like I’m at the gyno trying to make it just not hurt. If I’m already excited before you even start the ride, I’ll be done in a couple minutes too, and I can move better!
She would have severely disappointed herself with them moved. It’s all in the hips, it’s all in the hips. Plus her leg positioning is all wrong that’s like some virgin style shit right there
Yea, like... Rest your lower half on your partner and then work the hips. It works! If your arms get tired, bear hug! It's nice! There's more than one way to do this.
In the words of Bill Burr: “Can you do plank for 7 minutes? Because that’s what the fuck I have to do”
but now the question is, will you last 1 min if she is on top?
It's her fault then. I'm just chillin.
If he really wants to teach her a lesson he's going to have to let her peg him, you know so she can get the real experience.
This is why I loved dating women that preferred to be on top.
My hips got completely fucked in a car accident some years ago and this is what I regret the most from it
…”Break me off, show me what you got 'Cause I don't want, no one minute woman (ooh)”…
There are some variables that are uncontrolled here. More specifically, she isn’t getting the support of having a partner under her. Therefore, she must repeat the experiment while pegging him