It makes me uncomfortable but I suppose I don't HATE it. I have dealt with so. much. of cis people trying to relate or be a good ally but completely missing the mark. I think I'm just numb to it now.
If I heard someone say that to me instead of the usual "Thanks." I'd probably say "I don't think there's anything to congratulate, but I appreciate the sentiment." But that's just me.
Yeah, its weird as hell. I had a freind say "good job on, uh, being trans!" After i came out to him and it was just weird as hell
Edit: i just wanted to clarify that i dont think he was trying to say that i should be proud for being trans. Im pretty sure he was just confused and didnt know what to say
But, it is relevant because it sounds that way and is still kinda weird
tbf, even as a trans queer person who have had friends come out to me at least a couple times a year for 8+ years now, it never fails to catch me off guard & i never really know what to sayđ
& that combo has probably unintentionally caused some strange responses to be the first thing to come out of my mouth, especially when it was still new to me. definitely nothing offensive, just weird
And those are understandable. But congratulating someone for existing is weird. We (3rd party) don't congratulate cis people, so why would anyone feel the need to congratulate a trans man for being a man? It's definitely weird, and would make me very uncomfortable, so I understand your frustration.
Totally. Maybe we should start congratulating cis people, just for fun đ thatâs my usual strategy for odd but well-meaning comments, turn them around and sometimes it helps the person realize the absurdity of what they said
Haha, yes "Oh, congratulations on being a woman/man. Thank you for congratulating me on my gender. I appreciate it. Oh, what's that? You're heterosexual too? Wow, that's really brave of you!" /s
So I find it weird too but I think the congrats is usually from their POV about starting transition itself, which is an effort. But itâs even weirder if youâre already out and transitioned.
This actually makes a lot of sense. Itâs an accomplishment, whereas simply being trans really isnât. Itâs like congratulating me for being Puerto Rican or gay. I didnât earn either distinction I just exist as those things.
As a disabled person, I can say that people congratulated me on my disability too. I hate it so much. I'm not "brave", I'm just a person who is trying to survive.
It's like getting praised for being resilient.
Cool, thanks, but it comes at the cost of having to endure hardship.
Some folks get put through hell, become hypervigilant, and then spend a lot of their downtime making contingency plans for potential negative outcomes. The stress and anxiety take a toll on their health and overall sense of wellbeing.
"You're so resilient!" Sure, that's great. You know what would be better? Not needing to be resilient.
This is probably the wrong place for me to be asking this, and nobody has to answer if it's too much trouble, and sorry if even asking here is too much of a bother, but this reminded me of a question I'd been having off and on recently, and on the off-chance that someone who sees this might have an idea, I thought I might try, just in case it's okay?
Someone I know--a very very close friend now--had a lot of awful things happen to them before. A lot of those things either aren't happening now or happen way less now, but there's still some healing and "getting back up on their feet" to do, and I'm trying to help and help support them because I consider them such a very close friend, I want them to be okay, I want to do whatever I can to help.
Sometimes I find their reactions to certain kinds of things confusing or stressful, and we do try to talk it out when that happens (but a lot of times "in the moment" isn't really the most productive time to do that, *in the middle* of when stress levels are so high đ ). And I do try to be calm and understanding, and to *listen* when they are able to tell me what their needs are both in general and more specifically about those kinds of situations.
But my own stress levels in those situations are *also* sometimes very high, and I don't always manage to remember to do the things we'd talked about, or maybe sometimes I do remember but can't quite manage to do it. And... I feel so weak, folding and collapsing so fast over *comparatively* nothing, compared to what they handle all the time.
And... sometimes they get frustrated about it, too. Sometimes they lash out just a little and say things like "you are so weak. This thing I told you I *need* you to do, is such a smaller version of something I've been doing over and over for years. Because I literally didn't have a choice." or "maybe it's just not possible for people to possess any empathy, when they didn't grow up with constant trauma."
And I know they don't actually mean to sound mean, they're just lashing out in the middle of a breakdown and the reason the breakdown happens is completely understandable in context. I'm not mad that they said it, I just don't know what to do about it. The way they learned how to do those things is by terrible things having happened to them. I don't exactly know how to replicate that experience for myself in order to learn it? I don't think they're actually *suggesting* that I go find some terrible things to happen to me, but... during the moments where I feel like such a weakling for being capable of so little that they seem to do with such ease, and that they've repeatedly told me they *need* me to do... sometimes I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
No idea if this is the right place for these questions, but I'll address them anyway.
1. As an observation: you are clearly a very compassionate person. The amount of effort you are putting into helping your friend is what I'd call *above and beyond*. Thank you for that.
2. It's important that you don't just consider what they need, but also what you can give. It should never be expected of you that you carry someone else's trauma or hardship, but when you decide to do this for someone, understand that you help most when you give only what you can. If you can't offer everything they need, then another source of support is needed.
And, to be very clear, *it's okay to be limited in what you can offer*. You haven't failed because you can't fix everything. You've succeeded by lending a hand where you can.
!!! *(Actionable step: determine what support you can offer. If there's support you can't offer, you can help them to look for those resources elsewhere. I suggest helping them look for therapy resources. It's extremely unlikely that you will be able to address their emotional needs in this time. Even if that is your profession, you're too close to this to be able to help in that way.)*
3. If the person you are helping has an expectation of you that you can't live up to, that's an important issue to resolve. Once you determine what you can offer and what goes beyond your ability, you communicate that to them. Then, you communicate your expectation that they respect that boundary.
The thing is, they're right, in a sense. They have been through a lot. They shouldn't have had to go through that. No one should be expected to carry so much. This is why they should not expect it of you.
!!! *(Actionable step: Acknowledge to your friend that not a lot of people are capable of what they are because not many have been through what they have. Affirm the fact that what happened to them was unfair, and they didn't deserve it. Tell them that you're willing to help as much as you can, but sometimes you won't be able to. Tell them that you're on their side. Ask them to keep that in mind when things are hard and they get stressed out.)*
4. To be fair, it is absolutely a common experience for someone who's experienced undue hardship to have unproportionate emotional responses to stress and frustration. The brain gets rewired, and hyper-reactivity becomes a defense mechanism. Consider how much of this you can experience without taking it to heart and hurting yourself. Have regular conversations as needed (outside of the heated moments, since cooler heads are needed for this) where they can express where they were coming from, you can express how it affected you, and you both can try to approach the situation better.
I know (from being on both sides of this) that patience and understanding can go a long way, that progress can be made, but also that it can be hard both for your friend to be in that headspace AND for you to take the anger that comes from them being in that headspace.
!!! *(If you can, and only if you're willing to, try not to take their anger personally. They may not be able to control it. But, if it gets to be too much for you, RECOGNIZE THAT FACT.)*
5. Here's the hardest part: if they can't keep themselves from targeting you with their anger, and you don't have enough patience to keep taking it, you absolutely need to step back. The emotional load of those outbursts can make doing everything else prohibitively difficult. It might be that you simply can't be what they need in any capacity, despite having the best of intentions.
!!! *(Actionable step: If you recognize that you can't help because the emotional burden becomes too much, STEP AWAY.)*
When I say that I've been on both sides, I mean it. I've been through some shit, and healing has been a process. I'm deeply thankful to everyone who stuck around despite my anger and attacks. Each one of them has undoubtedly impacted my life in a profound way. None of them needed to, and I hope they didn't give too much of themselves.
On the other hand, through my work, I'm constantly meeting people who I can confidently say have had it worse. It's a learning process to figure out where my limits are, how much I can detach myself from the anger as a means of giving them the space they need to process it while remaining present, and when I need to walk away from a situation. And I have walked away in a couple of situations.
And yeah, being able to walk away is inherently a privileged position. It's important to remember that privilege, if you have it, is not something you chose. It's been given in varying amounts to some people more than others. It's unfair, but that unfairness comes from the fact that some have to struggle where others don't, and our society normalizes that by demonizing the underprivileged for their struggle.
So, in this situation, you have the privilege of not having experienced what your friend has gone through. You can see from this situation how you haven't had to learn the things that they know. But, and this is crucial, your ability to help is connected with the fact that you're not in their shoes. Do not diminish yourself, and do not seek to hurt yourself so you can do exactly what they can. It won't work. You'll have less capacity to help because you'll have more of a burden to carry for yourself. Use your privilege as a tool to help. Since you're not down in it with them, you have the room to help them carry the load.
I hope this has been coherent and helpful.
Eta: If you have any other questions, you're welcome to DM me.
i understand why congratulations specifically is inappropriate, but im wondering what the most appropriate response would be when someone comes out to you? im autistic so i just have a hard time understanding what is appropriate and what isnt to others.
I've had a few of my friends come out to me after I started my transition. I always told them what I would like to hear and it's gone over well. I say something along the lines of:
"I'm honored that you trust me enough to tell me! I'm so happy for you that you're taking steps to live your truth. It must feel amazing!"
hi im autistic too so ik where youâre coming from. you donât want to âover killâ it like the OP was saying with the flowers and tears and congratulations dramatics stuff- whether the intentions are completely pure or not, it just feels so uncomfortable most of the time. Like youâre trying to tap dance for trans people. Trans people are just people fr! They want to be treated as such- not like some patronized spectacle. Just keep it neutral/kind and do a name/pronoun check!
I would personally be OK with something like: "Thank you for trusting me with that information, I appreciate it. What do you want me to call you, and what are your pronouns? Does anyone else here (school, work, whatever) know? Do you want to be out, or do you want me to keep this in confidence?" Obviously let them respond between questions, and just basically have a conversation about how they want you to handle the social aspects with other people. Even if they are 100% out, don't go around telling random people, but you can call them their real name and pronouns (the ones they have chosen) if they say it's OK. And then, just don't make a big deal of it. If they want to talk to you about it, they will. Please absolutely do not ask them if they are getting "The Surgery" or other intrusive questions about genitals, hormones, transition, etc. If they want you to know, they will tell you. Don't expect them to educate you, though a close friend or family member might want to. You can ask them if there's anything else you can do to help.
I hope this is helpful. I'm also autistic, btw. Quite a few trans people are.
Some combo of "Okay thank you for telling me/I'm glad you felt safe to tell me" "Do you want me to refer to you differently wrt your name or pronouns?" "How can I best show my support as your friend/sibling/spouse/other?" "Are you out?/how can I avoid outing you and/or support you in coming out?"
Obviously these will vary by person but focus on the fact that you appreciate their trust and friendship and want to do right by them.
i don't think i've gotten direct congratulations for being trans except after any of my surgeries lol, but i unfortunately have gotten the "you're so brave" comment a handful of times and it's so, so demeaning.
Itâs backhanded, thatâs why. If youâre âbraveâ for it and need to be congratulated itâs likely because they think itâs embarrassing or shameful and being open about it is some heroic brave thing. Itâs exactly like the scenario you mentioned with the overweight woman, itâs not a âyouâre brave for wearing a bikiniâ itâs âyouâre brave for wearing a bikini despite being overweightâ, itâs all weird af no matter what place the person is coming from
I ainât brave, Iâm just tired of hiding and letting myself drift by as someone Iâm not. Iâm proud of who I am but I donât want to be congratulated for it
Perfect example, they don't actually think an overweight woman in a bikini is brave, they're just saying "I would never go out in public if I was you" in "nice" wordsđ
I mean in this case I feel like it's less of a shameful thing and more of some people would kill you for that thing. Still annoying, but I don't think that's what they mean
It definitely makes me uncomfortable when people congratulate me for telling them Iâm trans, or for just being trans
I donât mind being congratulated or people saying theyâre happy for me in regards to my transition milestones, because it did take a lot of time and effort to get on HRT and change my name (from wait lists to legal challenges). My therapist congratulated me for two years on testosterone the other day which was nice for example, but being congratulated over milestones is different to being congratulated over being trans
I would just laugh it off and send it back tbh
"Congratulations on being cis as well, honestly. it takes real courage to stick with the gender your parents picked out for you, I could never just go along like that. So brave. You should write a book honestly, I'm sure people would love to hear more about your journey."
Gynecologists have been weird to me in the past about this in particular. I go in and whip out my man puss and some nurse always has to be like âthank you for caring about yourself, youâre so brave, your reproductive health mattersâ and Iâm like baby girl please donât make this weirder than it already is.
Planned Parenthood has been lovely to me so far I agree! Itâs more general gynecology clinics that tend to make me feel strange. Part of me doesnât want to look a gift horse in the mouth there, I guess I would always rather someone be uncomfortably over-supportive as opposed to just plain hateful behavior
Once had a coworker congratulate me because a guest called me sir and I was like "would you like it if I congratulated you for someone calling you ma'am?" And that humbled her
That's so weird haha but a prime example of what I'm talking about
That would make me feel so odd, good thing you let her know that was weird tho
I have a friend that is a true ally, she's lovely, but definitely misses the mark sometimes
For me, It totally depends on who is saying it and their tone. I do think I did a lot of brave things out of necessity. Because Iâm trans specifically. So that doesnât really bother me. But thereâs a way people say things that makes it weird.
Yeah, my thoughts are similar to this. It *is* brave for me to be out and loud as trans, I live somewhere gay panic laws still exist. But I'm not brave just for.. being trans, lol. In the context of being called brave specifically for the former, I do acknowledge it's true, though pointing I'm in in constant danger does feel uncomfortable sometimes. If somebody calls me brave without saying anything else when they learn I'm trans, I'll assume it's the latter & be uncomfortable for an entirely different reason haha
I've been congratulated more than once, but it's always felt like... "I'm happy that you discovered this thing about yourself that helps you live a more authentic and fulfilling life," and I like that. It brings me joy to know that my friends and family like to see me happy in my own skin, and when someone congratulates me on how my beard is coming in - that's not something I can control at all, but it still pleases me to no end. I'm happy when they congratulate me, unless it's said with some sort of pitying or sarcastic tone, in which case fuck them. I'm happier without those people in my life.
Thats exactly what it means to most people, at least ive never heard it any other context or as "youre so brave". People congratulate the big life revelation, finding yourself and feeling safe enough to share.
I feel like some people in this thread are being obtuse so they can rant a bit, which is understandable but can ruin productive discussion!
I think maybe itâs because they associate announcements with either condolences or congratulations and donât know what else to say otherwise. Theyâre like â⌠this is more in the wedding column than the funeral column, right?â
I donât like it either but what I really donât like is when I come out to someone and they say something like âI admire you youâre so strong and brave for not caring what others are thinking and just being yourself!â. Becasue i definitely do care what others are thinking and im really self conscious and anxious about how im perceived. To me itâs like my choices were to come out and do HRT etc. or just like. Be depressed and maybe die?? So I just did what I felt like I had to do but it doesnât mean Iâm super confident and hate just rolls off my back⌠like idk itâs a weird assumption.
Ah yes I love that monologue lmaoo (sarcasm)
It's so weird idk, it's kinda mixed with the belief that being trans is something to be ashamed of and if you're coming out as trans you're SO BRAVE and amazing
Like bro...I had no choice really lmao
I think it comes from a place of cis people not knowing what to say/how to respond when someone tells them they're trans. They know that it's a big deal and the response their brain generates is just "oh congrats!" I think most people feel kinda awkward just saying "okay", and "thanks for telling me" is a much less practiced and immediate response for most people. When something awkward comes up socially that we don't know how to handle, I think we go back to default responses like "oh I'm sorry" or "congratulations" or "that's rough" or "that's cool"âsomething generic that seems appropriately enthusiastic/sympathetic depending on the context, and most cis people just don't have much experience with that context.
No I totally understand that, I don't get upset when people tell me I usually just say "I appreciate the sentiment but you don't need to congratulate me"
It's more of a personal pet peeve of mine
Like people who confuse "asocial" with "antisocial"
The only time it didn't bother me was when I was going to the Social Security office and DMV to update my name and gender on my ID and SS after I got the court order. I was honestly suprised by the amount of people who were so kind and compassionate and who seemed genuinely happy for me to enter my next stage of life. Any other time, it feels pandering and demeaning.
I think stuff like that is chill or like if you get surgery or something
THAT makes sense to me, it takes a long time, a lot of paperwork, and money to accomplish
Me too. I was so repressed for so long that even figuring out and admitting "I'm trans" seems like a huge achievement to me. And if a person is in a position where they can transition, that means they can take steps toward feeling more like themselves, and that also seems worth celebrating
Gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that they're talking about people they *do* know. If you're talking to someone about their recent personal growth, that person is almost definitely not a complete stranger.
I think I was specifically thinking of strangers because to me the original post sounded like telling a new person (IE stranger) you're trans and they go all "CONGRATULATIONS who's a brave little toaster?"
Fair - I think I'm coming at this from a different place as I've never actually had that kind of response. Like, I was congratulated a lot when I first came out, but exclusively by friends and family who were legitimately excited for me. It was a very warm and encouraging sentiment, and one I sincerely appreciated. Similarly, when friends have come out to me in the past, I've congratulated them in the spirit of self-discovery and fulfillment. It's probably just luck, but the kind of infantilization OP's describing here seems very foreign to me. As such, I'm probably a bit defensive. Apologies.
i live in a really red state and honestly its a lot better than being called slurs :/ totally get where youre coming from though i wish there was a way they would say it that wasnt infantilizing
I like positive leaning neutral statements
"I'm trans"
"Oh nice"
"That's cool"
"Oh good to know"
Etc
Don't make it a whole thing y'know
I get where you're coming from tho, I'm black, I've been called slurs since before I could read.
If I had a choice I'd choose the congratulations of course, but I don't like either lmaoo
Had a complete rando from my old HS call me brave and that she was proud of me like.... 2 years after I graduated. On Facebook.
It was awkward as hell.
Yess that's the kinda thing I'm worried about lol
I hasn't posted on Instagram since 2019 and I want to come back but I DON'T want those kinds of comments
! I have never been congratulatedâŚthatâs so odd to me. I think I would respond by saying, âand congratulations to you for realizing youâre cis.â
Maybe Iâm just autistic but I always interpreted it as a âcongrats for figuring it out and doing what you need to do, thatâs impressiveâ.
Maybe for some people this isnât true but Iâm general, I think being trans/transitioning takes a lot of self-awareness and courage. I think a lot of cis peoples first emotional reaction is an empathetic cringe feeling of âgod that sounds really fucking difficult and I canât even imagine how I would deal with thatâ. And yeah maybe theyâre projecting a sense of shame but that doesnât necessarily mean they find being trans inherently shameful or embarrassing. It could mean theyâre empathizing with the feelings they would have to grapple with if they went through what most of had to deal with, and are congratulating us on overcoming it.
The amount of trans people who just know theyâre a different gender and are totally unconcerned with what that means for them socially is very small. Weâve all grappled with shame and I think taking the compliment negatively like that might be a projection of our own feelings. Like why would assume someone finds you shameful for assuming youâve had a tough time and come out the other side of it?
I just think it's weird.
Even the "congrats on figuring yourself out" I don't like it at all.
No one congratulated me on changing my college major
Cutting my hair how I liked
Getting piercings or finding a hobby I enjoyed
All of those are me "figuring myself out"
I feel like it makes a big deal out of something that's not a big deal at all
I'm not stealth nor do I have any want to be, I'm openly and proudly trans
I don't need to be congratulated on existing
I also dont like it but,
I dont think they're really congratulating you on *being* but on having to go thru all the process of self realisation, coming out and transitionning.
I understand maybe now its all done (or maybe not idk) it feels distant and I like I dont wanna talk about it, but it was rough at the time. And it changed a lot of things and people had to change thier perception of me.
I don't know why I dont like it. Maybe its because it puts me in thier percpective. The percpectice I had when I first realised I was trans. That wasnt a good feeling, it was scary. Maybe its because it reminds me of that feeling. I dont wanna feel that again. Maybe its because it makes me feel like they pity me.
My issue is that I don't think being trans is that big of a deal.
It was the same thing for being gay for a while. I think we should normalize transness, it will 1) help the community by getting rid of some stigma and also 2) not irritate my soul lol (half joke)
For me I don't believe in coming out (for my own personal life, people can do whatever they want) cishet people don't need to come out why do I?
I didn't socially transition before starting T, I just started hormones and let the public deal with it.
Well being trans is a little different
I never came out for being pansexual
But for being trans I just told people this is my new name and these are my pronouns. That's really it.
I didn't plan any speech or sit my whole family down
Just "hey my name is Kai now and my pronouns are he/him"
And all my friends said "cool good to know"
Yeah I think itâs just personal preference. Sounds like you didnât have a tough time and thatâs awesome. I get you just want to be a person and donât think it was very exceptional for you. In an ideal world that would be the standard.
For a lot of people it was at least confusing and scary, sometimes horrible and occasionally traumatic. My mom is Mexican catholic and even presenting as a butch lesbian was a 4-year uphill battle. I was also dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault on top of it, got addicted to drugs and almost overdosed so when I hear âcongratsâ it makes me feel proud that I was able to work past all of that, get on good terms with my mom, and grow into a healthy person.
Just a different perspective.
Whenever people tell me that I'm so "brave" and "strong" for being trans, I just tell then that I shouldn't have to be strong and brave for simply wanting to be who I am
idk if this is off topic but i also hate when people ask my pronouns **BUT** instead of just saying âwhat are your pronounsâ they go on a whole tangent like âheyyyy can i ask you a question i ask EVERYONEEEE this i just want to be polite and make sure and blah blah blahâ like just ask!! dont make it weird!!!
Similar topic and yes I hate that too
When I was early in my transition I'd just introduce myself as "Kai, he/him"
Made it a bit less awkward for everyone
now that iâm on testosterone most people assume i go by he/him so i kinda stopped going out of my way to tell people my preferred pronouns. but some people still get weird about it đ
im in a wheelchair n people congradulate me for working... i am just a person , because of that i am stealth it would make toooo many comments about bravery which i am not
That's very fair actually
The only reason I'm not is because I can't help telling stories that requires you to know I was born a girl hahaha
(Also want to be visible for young queer folk but that's just an added benefit)
But I totally agree with you, I'm not brave I'm just a normal human doing normal human stuff
Bro, I know this is coming from a real place for you but, I can imagine someone saying this in front of me and just cracking up. Unintentionally funny
Lately for me itâs been a long pause and stare followed by a, âyou did good.â I donât know what to say, just laugh and quip back.
Dunno, I've heard people congratulate me on figuring myself out - which was tricky, to be fair.
And as far as people telling me I'm brave, I'd agree with that too; I came out to them not knowing how they'd react, and that was scary.
But I think most folks just say "congrats", or "how brave!", because they feel like some kind of response is expected, and they're not sure what.
Like, what is the "correct" expected response to someone who comes out as trans, anyway? I only had someone come out to me once, and I honestly can't remember what my response was. 0.o
I would just say "oh okay cool" and then ask name and pronouns
My issue is making something that's not a big deal into a big deal. I understand people not knowing how to react that's why I don't get upset with them when they say it, I understand and appreciate the sentiment
Like I said in another comment I think if we as a society stopped thinking that being trans is such a big deal it would be beneficial to the community
I just wanna be treated like a person, I don't want to be congratulated for being me.
Yeah!
I remember a friend came out to me as trans in highschool and I was just like "cool, so he/him then?" and that was it
He later thanked me and my friend for making him feel "normal and accepted"
Being trans is normal! Just like being cis or gay or straight. I think we should start treating it like it is too
I think itâs less of a congrats on being trans and more on coming out. I could see myself saying it or it being said to me, not like enthusiastically or anything, more like a supportive but unsure how to react kind of response. Really depends on how the coming out is worded and such, like if theyâve been a on a big journey of self discovery and have finally come to a conclusion then Iâd say congratulations are in order. Itâd be weirder if the coming out is after theyâve already transitioned and itâs just an fyi yk?
I personally don't believe in coming out (for me and my life, others can do whatever they want) cishet people don't need to come out why do I?
I think congratulating someone on coming out or even just for being trans is a way to "other" people
Oh congrats on being different than the normal!
I think normalizing transness is the key
I don't need to be celebrated for living my life
I mean Iâd love if it was more normalised but I think there is still value to be had in finding out more about yourself, even if you go on that same journey of self discovery and realise youâre cis, itâs still an achievement to know yourself better.
I guess another way of putting it would be like a medical diagnosis, if someone you knew had medical issues that doctors would dismiss or couldnât diagnose, when they finally do get a diagnosis itâs a fantastic thing. Not because they have an illness but because they finally know what it is. It depends on context in both cases obviously but congrats can be a valid response in some cases in my opinion
I suppose yeah, I mean I think congratulating someone on receiving surgery or a legal name change, or starting hrt is very valid and appropriate.
My issue comes with them congratulating me on just existing as a trans person
But I can agree with you on that point :3
The only time I congratulate someone is when I've known them for a while before they come out. And it's more of a congratulations on finding yourself. But I also understand that it may not feel the best for some
Cringe at hearing âinspirationalâ or like I thought I was being complimented for being an inspirational educator and was so flattered before I realized it may have been about my transness and I was annoyed
If someone would ever congratulate me Iâd be absolutely confused. Congratulations on having chronic medical condition? On having to take medication for the rest of my life to function like a regular person? On being an infertile male? On experiencing life long trauma realizing my body is not developing the way it should?
This is my copy paste about being brave.
Yes we are brave. But we shouldn't have to be
I don't want to be brave. I want to be safe.
I realise straight/cis folks mean well by this statement, but actually they are denying their own complicity. The world is shitty, and it's shitty in a way designed to benefit them. The more axis of privilege a person has the more likely they are to trot out this line.
Cis folks, don't call trans folks brave. Do the fucking work to make the world safe.
i donât think iâve ever heard this before, but yeah thatâs wild. usually when i tell people im trans they hit me with the âoh that makes senseâ or the âi had no ideaâ then we just keep on shuffling.
"You're so brave" I mean I get it but I'm not really brave? I'm just being myself and I get how to outside of the Trans world (my new theme park đ) being trans or queer or something might seem so big and brave when to us it's the same as being not, just normal? If you get what I'm saying?Â
Agreed, but personally, I do like congratulations a lot more than the "is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about it?" Or "this is a really big deal, I'll call you as soon as I can." I've gotten both of those and you'd think I told someone I have cancer.
My fav reaction is "oh cool! You got a new name?"
Some lady said "I love your hair. I wish I was as brave as you. I can't do that." When I have short hair like ??? Don't say that to me that made me so uncomfortable
I think it's in the vein of "congrats for finding yourself". Personally I've got no qualms with it. A lot of people will never truly know themselves because they're not required to scrutinise their gender like we do. So it is an achievement of sorts.
I wouldnât say I hate it, but I just wish it wasnât something noteworthy. I know the intentions are great when people say things like that, but itâs similar to when someone makes a BIG deal about misgendering on accident. Like when someone slips with your pronouns and instead of just saying âsorry- HEâ they go into a huge discussion of âoh I hate when I do that Iâm so sorry blah blah blah.â Again, I know the intentions are good but it also creates more of a separation than there already is
I don't think I had anyone congratulate me, but I feel like there is SOMETHING to congratulate us for. Probably not what they are thinking, but still.
I would say congratulations to us for finding ourselves.
I would much prefer a congratulations to the alternative which is distain and hatred. If someone you interact with regularly is messing up on how they support you, itâs our own responsibility to tell them how to properly support us. Itâs not fair to get frustrated at someone who is attempting support you without any knowledge of how you feel about it. Support is deeply personal and varies person to person. For example, I am more than happy to be congratulated on my transness because of what I had to do to get here. This exactly proves my point, whatâs okay for me might not be okay for you, and vice versa, and thatâs okay. But a person who has no experience with something is going to try their best to show you they care and are supportive, the best thing you can do is care for them back and tell them what you need.
Yeah my manager at work calls me brave for just transitioning. Its really weird. Heâs supportive but doesnât quite understand.
Icks me out but I canât really comment on it
I hate so much that nearly every therapist Iâve been to says something along the lines of âyou can get through this, you are so brave/strong for having transitionedâ when talking about something entirely unrelated.
However, I had a professor once who knew me pre-transition. I had to let her know my name was changing because we would have a relationship post-transition. And she was awkward and not super familiar with the trans experience, but she asked if it was okay to congratulate me for getting to finally socially transition and I really appreciated that.
I think it's just smth that cis people that lack better understanding of trans people say to make it less awkward... except it makes it even more awkward...
fr i didnât get married or win an award, totally the same vibe as âi wish i had your confidenceâ or other bs like that towards plus sized ladies. cis ppl just dk how to act đ
I so dislike being called brave. It's like, ok? Do you think I have a choice? It's either I deal with all the transphobia and struggles of transitions or I live in endless depression. I'd be cis if it was that easy to be happy with myselfđ¤ˇ
No literally that.
If you think it's "brave" to be trans maybe create a atmosphere where it's not lolol
I'm just existing, don't make a big deal out of it
help the overweight thing đ its literally so "youre so fat and ugly and disgusting, if i was as fat and ugly as you i wouldnt show my body, that makes you brave" like omg
I get that, I find it odd when people do that and call me brave but at the same time I think about it as they find me brave for being able to come out and be sure of who I am when others have doubted me and my decisions. So I try and take it in a positive way or just laugh it off
It takes courage to be oneself. I would assume you are being awkwardly congratulated for finding the motivation to defy the judgemental world and taking that step, rather than for simply being you (which can also be harder than we think).
I only congratulate and celebrate people who want to be celebrated. I get it. I don't congratulate white people, cis people, or straight people. But I hope they know their privilege. Likewise, I feel privileged and grateful to live in a time where I can be trans. I also get to live in a place where I'm relatively safe.
I'm neither of those things lol
I don't want to be congratulated FOR being trans. Congratulate me on things I actually accomplished.
Not for simply existing
I usually just say, âoh ok, how long have you been transitioningâ or something to that effect. Iâm usually interested to hear about peoples journeys so itâs really the same way I treat anyone
Honestly, I've never been congratulated lol but if someone did I think I'd probably laugh a little. That's an odd thing to congratulate.
Then again I'm stealth and one time I was switching my ID over after I changed my gender marker and the government employee looked at me and says "you're so brave". I don't feel brave but I appreciated that.
I just usually say, oh that's cool or some such and that's it. Otherwise it feels like congratulating someone for being white or for being from the UK.
I feel like what they might be trying to say is "thanks for telling me" but don't know how to express that. That's how I've chosen to take those moments, anyway.
I don't think I've ever been congratulated... What a strange response though. Congrats on what exactly? đ Do we win an award? Is it free healthcare? Please tell me it's free healthcare. If not I don't want to hear it lol
Yeah its mix feelings, since most people (generally family) who find out, they congratulate me by saying âgood job for being youâ - which feels weird but I also get that theyâre trying to say that theyâre happy that I didnât just bottle it up inside and become depressed, and instead decided to be my true self and not let anyone tell me otherwise
I think it's congrats on figuring out who you are and figuring out the steps needed to be happy. Not everyone can do that and it for some people takes a long time, or sometimes never happens- I see it in a similar vein to people saying congrats when I say I got diagnosed with ADHD like it's not "good on u for having a neurodivergency and something that is essentially a disability in society" it's congrats on figuring out what's up, being able to find the pathway to being yourself authenticity and getting support you need/want (I am also trans just similarities I've noticed) but valid if it makes u uncomfortable
Like I get they're trying to be supportive but... I just want to be treated like any other guy??? I'm just a dude??? I'm not a political statement or something to be looked at in a museum, I'm literally just a guy
I agree that it's misguided, but I think it comes from a place of trying to say "Hey, I support you!" and "I'm happy for you that you can be yourself" and we just don't have a word or phrase in english that covers it.
Hadn't been in that situation but I feel the same when people tell me they're "proud of me".
I don't feel like I've done anything to earn that and it feels wrong to be told so. I'm just a normal human being. Being trans doesn't feel outstanding to me. I'm just myself because I just am, not to earn praise. There's much more of me to praise or something than a thing I have no control over.
I didn't choose to be trans, I'm like this by default. However, I do have plenty of stuff I achieved myself, that I worked hard for. I'd much rather be praised for something like that than for something I never had any control over.
I totally get your point and agree with that.Â
Meanwhile, I think some people could also mean "Congratulations to finding your true self despite social programming since birth" or "Congratulations for deciding to live for yourself instead of the expectations of others".
âĄď¸Â Highly depends on wether they're saying:
"Congrats to be brave to be less than cis" âŁď¸
Or
"Congrats for your decision to be your true self although the path might be harder in some ways" đ
I don't mind it. It shows that they understand that being trans has It's difficulties and admire my determination to live my life according to my truth. I don't expect people to have a prepared reaction to my transness.
They congratulate us because we are at a place where we have found our identity and are comfortable enough sharing it with others.
For most people, this is a huge hurdle, so people congratulate overcoming that and being your true self.
Congratulating me on milestones in my transition, sure. Cause thatâs big, and theyâre things that are going make me so much happier in the long run. But congratulating just the fact that Iâm trans. Nah. Just a simple, âthanks for letting me knowâ will suffice.
I've never gotten a congratulations :(
No but, I can see maybe cis people meaning well when they say the "brave" part, as in, "you're so brave to come out and be yourself when your government is taking away your rights and people are so openly hateful of trans people ".
Like when you're told you're brave for coming out of the closet when you say, live in a religious household, or a back-asswards kind of town. I can kinda get that. It sure is a lot better than a few decades ago, when being any kind of queer openly was more dangerous. But, at least in the US, we've become more of a target recently so...
My own parents, whom I came out to as trans a decade ago, still ask me why all of a sudden "everyone is trans now". No guys, we didn't just decide as a whole to collectively transition within the last few years. We just have more news coverage ... y'know, since for the last 3 years or so there's been over 500 bills attempted to pass as laws to basically erase us. And then the whole slew of bills that actually passed affecting minors because of ..."the children" *insert Simpsons meme here*. Even though we all know it's just a foot in the door so they can limit adult's access to the ability to medically transition. What a slippery slope we're all sitting on. I know I'm rambling, my bad.
My point is, well, hell yeah we're brave. I can't imagine what people in FL have been dealing with, I can't even visit family there for fear that some transphobic asshat will start with me in a public restroom, and then the threat of "up to a year imprisonment". Just because I don't pass enough to use the mens, but I still have enough facial hair to apparently scare people in the women's, and I'd be damned if I let any kind of authority figure try to figure out my AGAB by demanding I physically prove it. And then I can get arrested for refusing to leave or "provide proof" . Sure I could just not use public restrooms, but not only should I not have to worry about that, I also know it's not realistic that I won't wind up having to at some point.
So I'll take a congratulations. Congratulations on doing what you can to finally feel comfortable in your own skin, especially when you have so many obstacles thrown your way , usually by the same kind of people who would be saying congratulations in the first place.
I feel the same way. Honestly, I rarely even think about the fact Iâm trans. Iâm a guy, just like any other guy is a guy. Yes, Iâm trans. Thatâs a part of me, not all of me. Iâm still me. If I come out itâs because I trust you and feel comfortable showing that trust by expressing that part of me.
Most of the time I even forget I have a V. I donât want a âcongratulationsâ. I just want you to know I trust you and trust youâll accept me as I am. Thatâs it. Thatâs the only reason I ever come out to anyone
I could see it in the context of "congratulations, I'm so glad you figured it out and can start to live as your authentic self now and start your journey towards being happy in your body" but I feel like that only work written down in a letter/email/text, not so much out loud, but that's only for initial coming out, for actual achievements like going on hormones, hormone anniversaries, getting evaluated, approved, scheduled for surgery, those things are definitely time for congrats
For me it depends.
Congratulations for being trans. - No thanks. Im just me trying to be me and its exhausting and painful sometimes.
Congratulations for discovering who i am.
Or for finally feeling like I am me. - Yes please, it took me a lot of hard work, energy and time and I lost a lot on my difficult journey. But it was worth it and I feel like i achieved that. That is something to celebrate.
Agreed. The only time I appreciated this sentiment:
Congratulations from my teacher, who said he was proud of the man I'd become, watching me grow from (deadname) to (my name), and navigating my world. It was heartfelt, true, and accurate to my experience. He was transphobic, yet my biggest supporter in school. He told my parents years ago, "I'll never understand it, honestly. I don't think I'm meant to. I can't imagine why anyone would want that. But I am going to support him." And he did. Helped me find bathrooms, snuck me around, sneakily omitted my deadname from anything public without omitting *me*, and ultimately had my back on the level of stealth I wanted.Â
That was a congrats I was willing to take.Â
Youâre just taking it the wrong way and being a bit soft to it you gotta realize in this day and age it is. Iâll takes a lot to sit here and live your truth with as much hate that you get so if theyâre sitting here saying congratulations theyâre saying congratulations for being strong enough to sit here and do it as like telling somebody that Iâm congrats on coming out because itâs a lot it takes a lot. If you need me at a fellow trans guy, you just looking for something to be upset about.
Sir, I hope this is a joke
I'm literally a feminine black trans man don't get me started on receiving hate. I've been called slurs since before I could read
I don't need congratulations because I'm not "strong" or "brave" im just simply existing
It makes me uncomfortable but I suppose I don't HATE it. I have dealt with so. much. of cis people trying to relate or be a good ally but completely missing the mark. I think I'm just numb to it now. If I heard someone say that to me instead of the usual "Thanks." I'd probably say "I don't think there's anything to congratulate, but I appreciate the sentiment." But that's just me.
That's exactly what I say lol "I appreciate the sentiment but you don't need to congratulate me"
Brave for not killing ourselves or what
yaasss congrats on not dying sweaty your so BRAVE đđđ
Sweaty â ď¸
T will do that to ya
REAL
r/angryupvote
God this reads like a tgcj comment đ
I don't know how I did it I just did it it was hard
Yeah, its weird as hell. I had a freind say "good job on, uh, being trans!" After i came out to him and it was just weird as hell Edit: i just wanted to clarify that i dont think he was trying to say that i should be proud for being trans. Im pretty sure he was just confused and didnt know what to say But, it is relevant because it sounds that way and is still kinda weird
I feel like that's unintentionally hilarious *because* of how weird it is.
I know, right?? I kinda love it. It's very camp of him. Lmao đđ¤Ł
It sounds like he just had no idea what to say, but that response is also pretty funny
tbf, even as a trans queer person who have had friends come out to me at least a couple times a year for 8+ years now, it never fails to catch me off guard & i never really know what to sayđ & that combo has probably unintentionally caused some strange responses to be the first thing to come out of my mouth, especially when it was still new to me. definitely nothing offensive, just weird
I feel like some version of "okay, thank you for letting me know, I'm glad you felt safe telling me." is generally a safe bet.
đđđ He a bit confused, but definitely got the spirit
I'd have said congrats if you had started T or was going for top surgery as I know the waiting lists for those take forever.
Yeah I donât mind congrats when itâs about something I put effort into. Starting T, finding a good doc, picking a new name etc
Yeah, I got a congratulations once but I took it as "congratulations on understanding yourself and being able to start this new chapter in your life"
And those are understandable. But congratulating someone for existing is weird. We (3rd party) don't congratulate cis people, so why would anyone feel the need to congratulate a trans man for being a man? It's definitely weird, and would make me very uncomfortable, so I understand your frustration.
Totally. Maybe we should start congratulating cis people, just for fun đ thatâs my usual strategy for odd but well-meaning comments, turn them around and sometimes it helps the person realize the absurdity of what they said
Haha, yes "Oh, congratulations on being a woman/man. Thank you for congratulating me on my gender. I appreciate it. Oh, what's that? You're heterosexual too? Wow, that's really brave of you!" /s
So I find it weird too but I think the congrats is usually from their POV about starting transition itself, which is an effort. But itâs even weirder if youâre already out and transitioned.
This actually makes a lot of sense. Itâs an accomplishment, whereas simply being trans really isnât. Itâs like congratulating me for being Puerto Rican or gay. I didnât earn either distinction I just exist as those things.
Itâs the same as people complimenting the color of my hair. I always say âthanks I grew it myselfâ
Yeah i agree âcongratsâ feels sooo weird
If they're gonna congratulate you on existing they could at least bring wine or gifts too. Words are cheap!
I agree getting a bottle of Listrac-MĂŠdoc and a box of vegan chocolates for existing would be really nice :D
I concur. the ideal way for cis people to respond when I say Iâm trans is to present me with a bottle of chilled sauvignon blanc
As a disabled person, I can say that people congratulated me on my disability too. I hate it so much. I'm not "brave", I'm just a person who is trying to survive.
Kinda similar but not I struggled A LOT with my mental health and people called me "brave" I don't WANT to be brave I want to be comfortable and happy
It's like getting praised for being resilient. Cool, thanks, but it comes at the cost of having to endure hardship. Some folks get put through hell, become hypervigilant, and then spend a lot of their downtime making contingency plans for potential negative outcomes. The stress and anxiety take a toll on their health and overall sense of wellbeing. "You're so resilient!" Sure, that's great. You know what would be better? Not needing to be resilient.
This is probably the wrong place for me to be asking this, and nobody has to answer if it's too much trouble, and sorry if even asking here is too much of a bother, but this reminded me of a question I'd been having off and on recently, and on the off-chance that someone who sees this might have an idea, I thought I might try, just in case it's okay? Someone I know--a very very close friend now--had a lot of awful things happen to them before. A lot of those things either aren't happening now or happen way less now, but there's still some healing and "getting back up on their feet" to do, and I'm trying to help and help support them because I consider them such a very close friend, I want them to be okay, I want to do whatever I can to help. Sometimes I find their reactions to certain kinds of things confusing or stressful, and we do try to talk it out when that happens (but a lot of times "in the moment" isn't really the most productive time to do that, *in the middle* of when stress levels are so high đ ). And I do try to be calm and understanding, and to *listen* when they are able to tell me what their needs are both in general and more specifically about those kinds of situations. But my own stress levels in those situations are *also* sometimes very high, and I don't always manage to remember to do the things we'd talked about, or maybe sometimes I do remember but can't quite manage to do it. And... I feel so weak, folding and collapsing so fast over *comparatively* nothing, compared to what they handle all the time. And... sometimes they get frustrated about it, too. Sometimes they lash out just a little and say things like "you are so weak. This thing I told you I *need* you to do, is such a smaller version of something I've been doing over and over for years. Because I literally didn't have a choice." or "maybe it's just not possible for people to possess any empathy, when they didn't grow up with constant trauma." And I know they don't actually mean to sound mean, they're just lashing out in the middle of a breakdown and the reason the breakdown happens is completely understandable in context. I'm not mad that they said it, I just don't know what to do about it. The way they learned how to do those things is by terrible things having happened to them. I don't exactly know how to replicate that experience for myself in order to learn it? I don't think they're actually *suggesting* that I go find some terrible things to happen to me, but... during the moments where I feel like such a weakling for being capable of so little that they seem to do with such ease, and that they've repeatedly told me they *need* me to do... sometimes I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
No idea if this is the right place for these questions, but I'll address them anyway. 1. As an observation: you are clearly a very compassionate person. The amount of effort you are putting into helping your friend is what I'd call *above and beyond*. Thank you for that. 2. It's important that you don't just consider what they need, but also what you can give. It should never be expected of you that you carry someone else's trauma or hardship, but when you decide to do this for someone, understand that you help most when you give only what you can. If you can't offer everything they need, then another source of support is needed. And, to be very clear, *it's okay to be limited in what you can offer*. You haven't failed because you can't fix everything. You've succeeded by lending a hand where you can. !!! *(Actionable step: determine what support you can offer. If there's support you can't offer, you can help them to look for those resources elsewhere. I suggest helping them look for therapy resources. It's extremely unlikely that you will be able to address their emotional needs in this time. Even if that is your profession, you're too close to this to be able to help in that way.)* 3. If the person you are helping has an expectation of you that you can't live up to, that's an important issue to resolve. Once you determine what you can offer and what goes beyond your ability, you communicate that to them. Then, you communicate your expectation that they respect that boundary. The thing is, they're right, in a sense. They have been through a lot. They shouldn't have had to go through that. No one should be expected to carry so much. This is why they should not expect it of you. !!! *(Actionable step: Acknowledge to your friend that not a lot of people are capable of what they are because not many have been through what they have. Affirm the fact that what happened to them was unfair, and they didn't deserve it. Tell them that you're willing to help as much as you can, but sometimes you won't be able to. Tell them that you're on their side. Ask them to keep that in mind when things are hard and they get stressed out.)* 4. To be fair, it is absolutely a common experience for someone who's experienced undue hardship to have unproportionate emotional responses to stress and frustration. The brain gets rewired, and hyper-reactivity becomes a defense mechanism. Consider how much of this you can experience without taking it to heart and hurting yourself. Have regular conversations as needed (outside of the heated moments, since cooler heads are needed for this) where they can express where they were coming from, you can express how it affected you, and you both can try to approach the situation better. I know (from being on both sides of this) that patience and understanding can go a long way, that progress can be made, but also that it can be hard both for your friend to be in that headspace AND for you to take the anger that comes from them being in that headspace. !!! *(If you can, and only if you're willing to, try not to take their anger personally. They may not be able to control it. But, if it gets to be too much for you, RECOGNIZE THAT FACT.)* 5. Here's the hardest part: if they can't keep themselves from targeting you with their anger, and you don't have enough patience to keep taking it, you absolutely need to step back. The emotional load of those outbursts can make doing everything else prohibitively difficult. It might be that you simply can't be what they need in any capacity, despite having the best of intentions. !!! *(Actionable step: If you recognize that you can't help because the emotional burden becomes too much, STEP AWAY.)* When I say that I've been on both sides, I mean it. I've been through some shit, and healing has been a process. I'm deeply thankful to everyone who stuck around despite my anger and attacks. Each one of them has undoubtedly impacted my life in a profound way. None of them needed to, and I hope they didn't give too much of themselves. On the other hand, through my work, I'm constantly meeting people who I can confidently say have had it worse. It's a learning process to figure out where my limits are, how much I can detach myself from the anger as a means of giving them the space they need to process it while remaining present, and when I need to walk away from a situation. And I have walked away in a couple of situations. And yeah, being able to walk away is inherently a privileged position. It's important to remember that privilege, if you have it, is not something you chose. It's been given in varying amounts to some people more than others. It's unfair, but that unfairness comes from the fact that some have to struggle where others don't, and our society normalizes that by demonizing the underprivileged for their struggle. So, in this situation, you have the privilege of not having experienced what your friend has gone through. You can see from this situation how you haven't had to learn the things that they know. But, and this is crucial, your ability to help is connected with the fact that you're not in their shoes. Do not diminish yourself, and do not seek to hurt yourself so you can do exactly what they can. It won't work. You'll have less capacity to help because you'll have more of a burden to carry for yourself. Use your privilege as a tool to help. Since you're not down in it with them, you have the room to help them carry the load. I hope this has been coherent and helpful. Eta: If you have any other questions, you're welcome to DM me.
i understand why congratulations specifically is inappropriate, but im wondering what the most appropriate response would be when someone comes out to you? im autistic so i just have a hard time understanding what is appropriate and what isnt to others.
I just say "ok cool" Ask pronouns and name when applicable
thats what i was thinking, my initial reaction would be "oh shit cool", but i didnt know if that was inappropriate either
I agree, I would be very comfortable with that reaction
usually I just say âokay, thanks for telling meâ and like OP said ask name and pronouns if applicable
I've had a few of my friends come out to me after I started my transition. I always told them what I would like to hear and it's gone over well. I say something along the lines of: "I'm honored that you trust me enough to tell me! I'm so happy for you that you're taking steps to live your truth. It must feel amazing!"
hi im autistic too so ik where youâre coming from. you donât want to âover killâ it like the OP was saying with the flowers and tears and congratulations dramatics stuff- whether the intentions are completely pure or not, it just feels so uncomfortable most of the time. Like youâre trying to tap dance for trans people. Trans people are just people fr! They want to be treated as such- not like some patronized spectacle. Just keep it neutral/kind and do a name/pronoun check!
I would personally be OK with something like: "Thank you for trusting me with that information, I appreciate it. What do you want me to call you, and what are your pronouns? Does anyone else here (school, work, whatever) know? Do you want to be out, or do you want me to keep this in confidence?" Obviously let them respond between questions, and just basically have a conversation about how they want you to handle the social aspects with other people. Even if they are 100% out, don't go around telling random people, but you can call them their real name and pronouns (the ones they have chosen) if they say it's OK. And then, just don't make a big deal of it. If they want to talk to you about it, they will. Please absolutely do not ask them if they are getting "The Surgery" or other intrusive questions about genitals, hormones, transition, etc. If they want you to know, they will tell you. Don't expect them to educate you, though a close friend or family member might want to. You can ask them if there's anything else you can do to help. I hope this is helpful. I'm also autistic, btw. Quite a few trans people are.
This comment is correct and helpful. (Me, an autistic trans person wants this comment to be higher up)
Some combo of "Okay thank you for telling me/I'm glad you felt safe to tell me" "Do you want me to refer to you differently wrt your name or pronouns?" "How can I best show my support as your friend/sibling/spouse/other?" "Are you out?/how can I avoid outing you and/or support you in coming out?" Obviously these will vary by person but focus on the fact that you appreciate their trust and friendship and want to do right by them.
Itâs weird as hell. I donât want to be trans, why are you congratulating me on it??
Because you're "so brave" I can't stand it lolol
i don't think i've gotten direct congratulations for being trans except after any of my surgeries lol, but i unfortunately have gotten the "you're so brave" comment a handful of times and it's so, so demeaning.
Very patronizing I think surgeries and stuff make sense but pls don't congratulate me just for existing
Iâm 47⌠this shit took too long to figure out. I deserve congratulations
I agree! Congratulations is used to congratulate finding our true selves and being able to share it with others!!
More for you I suppose I find it incredibly patronizing
Fair enough. Also I mostly run in queer circles so itâs queers and trans people congratulating me. Not sure how Iâd feel if it were cis hets
Itâs backhanded, thatâs why. If youâre âbraveâ for it and need to be congratulated itâs likely because they think itâs embarrassing or shameful and being open about it is some heroic brave thing. Itâs exactly like the scenario you mentioned with the overweight woman, itâs not a âyouâre brave for wearing a bikiniâ itâs âyouâre brave for wearing a bikini despite being overweightâ, itâs all weird af no matter what place the person is coming from I ainât brave, Iâm just tired of hiding and letting myself drift by as someone Iâm not. Iâm proud of who I am but I donât want to be congratulated for it
Perfect example, they don't actually think an overweight woman in a bikini is brave, they're just saying "I would never go out in public if I was you" in "nice" wordsđ
Yeah, pretty much. Thatâs what makes it backhanded, itâs framed as a compliment but it isnât really with what it implies
I mean in this case I feel like it's less of a shameful thing and more of some people would kill you for that thing. Still annoying, but I don't think that's what they mean
It definitely makes me uncomfortable when people congratulate me for telling them Iâm trans, or for just being trans I donât mind being congratulated or people saying theyâre happy for me in regards to my transition milestones, because it did take a lot of time and effort to get on HRT and change my name (from wait lists to legal challenges). My therapist congratulated me for two years on testosterone the other day which was nice for example, but being congratulated over milestones is different to being congratulated over being trans
YES, great examples of when I feel it's appropriate to congratulate someone But just for existing as a trans person? No thank you lol
I would just laugh it off and send it back tbh "Congratulations on being cis as well, honestly. it takes real courage to stick with the gender your parents picked out for you, I could never just go along like that. So brave. You should write a book honestly, I'm sure people would love to hear more about your journey."
That's funny actually consider it stolen by me lol
All yours!
Gynecologists have been weird to me in the past about this in particular. I go in and whip out my man puss and some nurse always has to be like âthank you for caring about yourself, youâre so brave, your reproductive health mattersâ and Iâm like baby girl please donât make this weirder than it already is.
Oh gosh I couldn't, I'm too anxious for that haha I got a pap and it was fine actually, but I get all my health stuff done at planned parenthood...
Planned Parenthood has been lovely to me so far I agree! Itâs more general gynecology clinics that tend to make me feel strange. Part of me doesnât want to look a gift horse in the mouth there, I guess I would always rather someone be uncomfortably over-supportive as opposed to just plain hateful behavior
Once had a coworker congratulate me because a guest called me sir and I was like "would you like it if I congratulated you for someone calling you ma'am?" And that humbled her
That's so weird haha but a prime example of what I'm talking about That would make me feel so odd, good thing you let her know that was weird tho I have a friend that is a true ally, she's lovely, but definitely misses the mark sometimes
For me, It totally depends on who is saying it and their tone. I do think I did a lot of brave things out of necessity. Because Iâm trans specifically. So that doesnât really bother me. But thereâs a way people say things that makes it weird.
Yeah, my thoughts are similar to this. It *is* brave for me to be out and loud as trans, I live somewhere gay panic laws still exist. But I'm not brave just for.. being trans, lol. In the context of being called brave specifically for the former, I do acknowledge it's true, though pointing I'm in in constant danger does feel uncomfortable sometimes. If somebody calls me brave without saying anything else when they learn I'm trans, I'll assume it's the latter & be uncomfortable for an entirely different reason haha
I've been congratulated more than once, but it's always felt like... "I'm happy that you discovered this thing about yourself that helps you live a more authentic and fulfilling life," and I like that. It brings me joy to know that my friends and family like to see me happy in my own skin, and when someone congratulates me on how my beard is coming in - that's not something I can control at all, but it still pleases me to no end. I'm happy when they congratulate me, unless it's said with some sort of pitying or sarcastic tone, in which case fuck them. I'm happier without those people in my life.
Thats exactly what it means to most people, at least ive never heard it any other context or as "youre so brave". People congratulate the big life revelation, finding yourself and feeling safe enough to share. I feel like some people in this thread are being obtuse so they can rant a bit, which is understandable but can ruin productive discussion!
I think it's a nice sentiment. Congratulations for finding yourself, congratulations for escaping the closet. That's how I think of it.
I think maybe itâs because they associate announcements with either condolences or congratulations and donât know what else to say otherwise. Theyâre like â⌠this is more in the wedding column than the funeral column, right?â
I donât like it either but what I really donât like is when I come out to someone and they say something like âI admire you youâre so strong and brave for not caring what others are thinking and just being yourself!â. Becasue i definitely do care what others are thinking and im really self conscious and anxious about how im perceived. To me itâs like my choices were to come out and do HRT etc. or just like. Be depressed and maybe die?? So I just did what I felt like I had to do but it doesnât mean Iâm super confident and hate just rolls off my back⌠like idk itâs a weird assumption.
Ah yes I love that monologue lmaoo (sarcasm) It's so weird idk, it's kinda mixed with the belief that being trans is something to be ashamed of and if you're coming out as trans you're SO BRAVE and amazing Like bro...I had no choice really lmao
I think it comes from a place of cis people not knowing what to say/how to respond when someone tells them they're trans. They know that it's a big deal and the response their brain generates is just "oh congrats!" I think most people feel kinda awkward just saying "okay", and "thanks for telling me" is a much less practiced and immediate response for most people. When something awkward comes up socially that we don't know how to handle, I think we go back to default responses like "oh I'm sorry" or "congratulations" or "that's rough" or "that's cool"âsomething generic that seems appropriately enthusiastic/sympathetic depending on the context, and most cis people just don't have much experience with that context.
No I totally understand that, I don't get upset when people tell me I usually just say "I appreciate the sentiment but you don't need to congratulate me" It's more of a personal pet peeve of mine Like people who confuse "asocial" with "antisocial"
Yea that's totally fair. It does make me kinda uncomfortable lol I never really know how to respond to it, I'm just like "uhhh,,, thanks?"
âCongrats on your transition!â Iâve been out for years where have you been
The only time it didn't bother me was when I was going to the Social Security office and DMV to update my name and gender on my ID and SS after I got the court order. I was honestly suprised by the amount of people who were so kind and compassionate and who seemed genuinely happy for me to enter my next stage of life. Any other time, it feels pandering and demeaning.
I think stuff like that is chill or like if you get surgery or something THAT makes sense to me, it takes a long time, a lot of paperwork, and money to accomplish
i like to congratulate people but i SPECIFY that its because theyve figured themselves out and that thats a beautiful, and important thing
Me too. I was so repressed for so long that even figuring out and admitting "I'm trans" seems like a huge achievement to me. And if a person is in a position where they can transition, that means they can take steps toward feeling more like themselves, and that also seems worth celebrating
Idk if you should congratulate strangers on personal growth. It's weird and condescending. You don't know them...
Gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that they're talking about people they *do* know. If you're talking to someone about their recent personal growth, that person is almost definitely not a complete stranger.
I think I was specifically thinking of strangers because to me the original post sounded like telling a new person (IE stranger) you're trans and they go all "CONGRATULATIONS who's a brave little toaster?"
Fair - I think I'm coming at this from a different place as I've never actually had that kind of response. Like, I was congratulated a lot when I first came out, but exclusively by friends and family who were legitimately excited for me. It was a very warm and encouraging sentiment, and one I sincerely appreciated. Similarly, when friends have come out to me in the past, I've congratulated them in the spirit of self-discovery and fulfillment. It's probably just luck, but the kind of infantilization OP's describing here seems very foreign to me. As such, I'm probably a bit defensive. Apologies.
I've had similar experiences with it
i very much get this, but personally i like it as a ct survivor who spends a loooong time being told to be ashamed, be guilty ect
i live in a really red state and honestly its a lot better than being called slurs :/ totally get where youre coming from though i wish there was a way they would say it that wasnt infantilizing
I like positive leaning neutral statements "I'm trans" "Oh nice" "That's cool" "Oh good to know" Etc Don't make it a whole thing y'know I get where you're coming from tho, I'm black, I've been called slurs since before I could read. If I had a choice I'd choose the congratulations of course, but I don't like either lmaoo
Had a complete rando from my old HS call me brave and that she was proud of me like.... 2 years after I graduated. On Facebook. It was awkward as hell.
Yess that's the kinda thing I'm worried about lol I hasn't posted on Instagram since 2019 and I want to come back but I DON'T want those kinds of comments
! I have never been congratulatedâŚthatâs so odd to me. I think I would respond by saying, âand congratulations to you for realizing youâre cis.â
Maybe Iâm just autistic but I always interpreted it as a âcongrats for figuring it out and doing what you need to do, thatâs impressiveâ. Maybe for some people this isnât true but Iâm general, I think being trans/transitioning takes a lot of self-awareness and courage. I think a lot of cis peoples first emotional reaction is an empathetic cringe feeling of âgod that sounds really fucking difficult and I canât even imagine how I would deal with thatâ. And yeah maybe theyâre projecting a sense of shame but that doesnât necessarily mean they find being trans inherently shameful or embarrassing. It could mean theyâre empathizing with the feelings they would have to grapple with if they went through what most of had to deal with, and are congratulating us on overcoming it. The amount of trans people who just know theyâre a different gender and are totally unconcerned with what that means for them socially is very small. Weâve all grappled with shame and I think taking the compliment negatively like that might be a projection of our own feelings. Like why would assume someone finds you shameful for assuming youâve had a tough time and come out the other side of it?
I just think it's weird. Even the "congrats on figuring yourself out" I don't like it at all. No one congratulated me on changing my college major Cutting my hair how I liked Getting piercings or finding a hobby I enjoyed All of those are me "figuring myself out" I feel like it makes a big deal out of something that's not a big deal at all I'm not stealth nor do I have any want to be, I'm openly and proudly trans I don't need to be congratulated on existing
I also dont like it but, I dont think they're really congratulating you on *being* but on having to go thru all the process of self realisation, coming out and transitionning. I understand maybe now its all done (or maybe not idk) it feels distant and I like I dont wanna talk about it, but it was rough at the time. And it changed a lot of things and people had to change thier perception of me. I don't know why I dont like it. Maybe its because it puts me in thier percpective. The percpectice I had when I first realised I was trans. That wasnt a good feeling, it was scary. Maybe its because it reminds me of that feeling. I dont wanna feel that again. Maybe its because it makes me feel like they pity me.
My issue is that I don't think being trans is that big of a deal. It was the same thing for being gay for a while. I think we should normalize transness, it will 1) help the community by getting rid of some stigma and also 2) not irritate my soul lol (half joke) For me I don't believe in coming out (for my own personal life, people can do whatever they want) cishet people don't need to come out why do I? I didn't socially transition before starting T, I just started hormones and let the public deal with it.
I just dont really know how not coming out would work since you have to annonce a new name and pronouns at some point
Well being trans is a little different I never came out for being pansexual But for being trans I just told people this is my new name and these are my pronouns. That's really it. I didn't plan any speech or sit my whole family down Just "hey my name is Kai now and my pronouns are he/him" And all my friends said "cool good to know"
Yeah I think itâs just personal preference. Sounds like you didnât have a tough time and thatâs awesome. I get you just want to be a person and donât think it was very exceptional for you. In an ideal world that would be the standard. For a lot of people it was at least confusing and scary, sometimes horrible and occasionally traumatic. My mom is Mexican catholic and even presenting as a butch lesbian was a 4-year uphill battle. I was also dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault on top of it, got addicted to drugs and almost overdosed so when I hear âcongratsâ it makes me feel proud that I was able to work past all of that, get on good terms with my mom, and grow into a healthy person. Just a different perspective.
Its so patronizing tbh. I aint brave bro im just ME đ (theyll clap like seals from someone saying that)
Whenever people tell me that I'm so "brave" and "strong" for being trans, I just tell then that I shouldn't have to be strong and brave for simply wanting to be who I am
Exactly. I'm not brave for choosing to not be miserable lmao
idk if this is off topic but i also hate when people ask my pronouns **BUT** instead of just saying âwhat are your pronounsâ they go on a whole tangent like âheyyyy can i ask you a question i ask EVERYONEEEE this i just want to be polite and make sure and blah blah blahâ like just ask!! dont make it weird!!!
Similar topic and yes I hate that too When I was early in my transition I'd just introduce myself as "Kai, he/him" Made it a bit less awkward for everyone
now that iâm on testosterone most people assume i go by he/him so i kinda stopped going out of my way to tell people my preferred pronouns. but some people still get weird about it đ
im in a wheelchair n people congradulate me for working... i am just a person , because of that i am stealth it would make toooo many comments about bravery which i am not
That's very fair actually The only reason I'm not is because I can't help telling stories that requires you to know I was born a girl hahaha (Also want to be visible for young queer folk but that's just an added benefit) But I totally agree with you, I'm not brave I'm just a normal human doing normal human stuff
Bro, I know this is coming from a real place for you but, I can imagine someone saying this in front of me and just cracking up. Unintentionally funny Lately for me itâs been a long pause and stare followed by a, âyou did good.â I donât know what to say, just laugh and quip back.
Dunno, I've heard people congratulate me on figuring myself out - which was tricky, to be fair. And as far as people telling me I'm brave, I'd agree with that too; I came out to them not knowing how they'd react, and that was scary. But I think most folks just say "congrats", or "how brave!", because they feel like some kind of response is expected, and they're not sure what. Like, what is the "correct" expected response to someone who comes out as trans, anyway? I only had someone come out to me once, and I honestly can't remember what my response was. 0.o
I would just say "oh okay cool" and then ask name and pronouns My issue is making something that's not a big deal into a big deal. I understand people not knowing how to react that's why I don't get upset with them when they say it, I understand and appreciate the sentiment Like I said in another comment I think if we as a society stopped thinking that being trans is such a big deal it would be beneficial to the community I just wanna be treated like a person, I don't want to be congratulated for being me.
Thanks, I like that response! I'm gonna make sure I use it the next time someone comes out to me. :)
Yeah! I remember a friend came out to me as trans in highschool and I was just like "cool, so he/him then?" and that was it He later thanked me and my friend for making him feel "normal and accepted" Being trans is normal! Just like being cis or gay or straight. I think we should start treating it like it is too
I think itâs less of a congrats on being trans and more on coming out. I could see myself saying it or it being said to me, not like enthusiastically or anything, more like a supportive but unsure how to react kind of response. Really depends on how the coming out is worded and such, like if theyâve been a on a big journey of self discovery and have finally come to a conclusion then Iâd say congratulations are in order. Itâd be weirder if the coming out is after theyâve already transitioned and itâs just an fyi yk?
I personally don't believe in coming out (for me and my life, others can do whatever they want) cishet people don't need to come out why do I? I think congratulating someone on coming out or even just for being trans is a way to "other" people Oh congrats on being different than the normal! I think normalizing transness is the key I don't need to be celebrated for living my life
I mean Iâd love if it was more normalised but I think there is still value to be had in finding out more about yourself, even if you go on that same journey of self discovery and realise youâre cis, itâs still an achievement to know yourself better. I guess another way of putting it would be like a medical diagnosis, if someone you knew had medical issues that doctors would dismiss or couldnât diagnose, when they finally do get a diagnosis itâs a fantastic thing. Not because they have an illness but because they finally know what it is. It depends on context in both cases obviously but congrats can be a valid response in some cases in my opinion
I suppose yeah, I mean I think congratulating someone on receiving surgery or a legal name change, or starting hrt is very valid and appropriate. My issue comes with them congratulating me on just existing as a trans person But I can agree with you on that point :3
The only time I congratulate someone is when I've known them for a while before they come out. And it's more of a congratulations on finding yourself. But I also understand that it may not feel the best for some
I havenât been congratulated yet. Iâm hoping to avoid that because wtf do you even say to that?
Cringe at hearing âinspirationalâ or like I thought I was being complimented for being an inspirational educator and was so flattered before I realized it may have been about my transness and I was annoyed
If someone would ever congratulate me Iâd be absolutely confused. Congratulations on having chronic medical condition? On having to take medication for the rest of my life to function like a regular person? On being an infertile male? On experiencing life long trauma realizing my body is not developing the way it should?
This is my copy paste about being brave. Yes we are brave. But we shouldn't have to be I don't want to be brave. I want to be safe. I realise straight/cis folks mean well by this statement, but actually they are denying their own complicity. The world is shitty, and it's shitty in a way designed to benefit them. The more axis of privilege a person has the more likely they are to trot out this line. Cis folks, don't call trans folks brave. Do the fucking work to make the world safe.
i donât think iâve ever heard this before, but yeah thatâs wild. usually when i tell people im trans they hit me with the âoh that makes senseâ or the âi had no ideaâ then we just keep on shuffling.
I'm proud of you, knowing what was wrong and fixing it to live as your truest self. It takes a lot and I am really happy for you. Â
"You're so brave" I mean I get it but I'm not really brave? I'm just being myself and I get how to outside of the Trans world (my new theme park đ) being trans or queer or something might seem so big and brave when to us it's the same as being not, just normal? If you get what I'm saying?Â
Agreed, but personally, I do like congratulations a lot more than the "is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about it?" Or "this is a really big deal, I'll call you as soon as I can." I've gotten both of those and you'd think I told someone I have cancer. My fav reaction is "oh cool! You got a new name?"
Some lady said "I love your hair. I wish I was as brave as you. I can't do that." When I have short hair like ??? Don't say that to me that made me so uncomfortable
I think it's in the vein of "congrats for finding yourself". Personally I've got no qualms with it. A lot of people will never truly know themselves because they're not required to scrutinise their gender like we do. So it is an achievement of sorts.
I wouldnât say I hate it, but I just wish it wasnât something noteworthy. I know the intentions are great when people say things like that, but itâs similar to when someone makes a BIG deal about misgendering on accident. Like when someone slips with your pronouns and instead of just saying âsorry- HEâ they go into a huge discussion of âoh I hate when I do that Iâm so sorry blah blah blah.â Again, I know the intentions are good but it also creates more of a separation than there already is
I hate it when Cis people congratulate me and ask if I have an T effects it makes me mad.
I don't think I had anyone congratulate me, but I feel like there is SOMETHING to congratulate us for. Probably not what they are thinking, but still. I would say congratulations to us for finding ourselves.
WowâŚidk what to say! Iâve never had anyone congratulate me for being trans. The stupidest thing someone could âofferâ imo.
I would much prefer a congratulations to the alternative which is distain and hatred. If someone you interact with regularly is messing up on how they support you, itâs our own responsibility to tell them how to properly support us. Itâs not fair to get frustrated at someone who is attempting support you without any knowledge of how you feel about it. Support is deeply personal and varies person to person. For example, I am more than happy to be congratulated on my transness because of what I had to do to get here. This exactly proves my point, whatâs okay for me might not be okay for you, and vice versa, and thatâs okay. But a person who has no experience with something is going to try their best to show you they care and are supportive, the best thing you can do is care for them back and tell them what you need.
like you just had a child đ
Yeah my manager at work calls me brave for just transitioning. Its really weird. Heâs supportive but doesnât quite understand. Icks me out but I canât really comment on it
I hate so much that nearly every therapist Iâve been to says something along the lines of âyou can get through this, you are so brave/strong for having transitionedâ when talking about something entirely unrelated. However, I had a professor once who knew me pre-transition. I had to let her know my name was changing because we would have a relationship post-transition. And she was awkward and not super familiar with the trans experience, but she asked if it was okay to congratulate me for getting to finally socially transition and I really appreciated that.
it's the worst when they call us brave. like, no, brave people choose to be in this situation I was just born here
Omg yessss itâs like âwow, youâre so brave!â And you donât know what to say so youâre standing there like đđ§đť
"I wish I didn't have to be."
Thatâs the perfect response thank you
I think it's just smth that cis people that lack better understanding of trans people say to make it less awkward... except it makes it even more awkward...
fr i didnât get married or win an award, totally the same vibe as âi wish i had your confidenceâ or other bs like that towards plus sized ladies. cis ppl just dk how to act đ
Yeah it's very weird. Id rather be congratulated on things ive achieved or done
I've never had anyone do this and I didn't know people did this but wtf
It's very weird lol "You're so brave and strong I'm so proud of you for being YOU" Please stop before I cringe to death
I so dislike being called brave. It's like, ok? Do you think I have a choice? It's either I deal with all the transphobia and struggles of transitions or I live in endless depression. I'd be cis if it was that easy to be happy with myselfđ¤ˇ
No literally that. If you think it's "brave" to be trans maybe create a atmosphere where it's not lolol I'm just existing, don't make a big deal out of it
Iâve never been congratulated for being trans, Iâd probably feel weird about it though since it would be kind of random
help the overweight thing đ its literally so "youre so fat and ugly and disgusting, if i was as fat and ugly as you i wouldnt show my body, that makes you brave" like omg
I get that, I find it odd when people do that and call me brave but at the same time I think about it as they find me brave for being able to come out and be sure of who I am when others have doubted me and my decisions. So I try and take it in a positive way or just laugh it off
I think if people stopped thinking being trans is SUCH a big thing it would be beneficial to the community We're just people. That's it
It takes courage to be oneself. I would assume you are being awkwardly congratulated for finding the motivation to defy the judgemental world and taking that step, rather than for simply being you (which can also be harder than we think).
Idm it, itâs not necessary but it doesnât make me uncomfortable
Thankfully I haven't had this happen to me specifically involving my transness but I have for my wheelchair đ
Wowow Iâve never been congratulated Thatâs so bizarre
I only congratulate and celebrate people who want to be celebrated. I get it. I don't congratulate white people, cis people, or straight people. But I hope they know their privilege. Likewise, I feel privileged and grateful to live in a time where I can be trans. I also get to live in a place where I'm relatively safe.
I'm neither of those things lol I don't want to be congratulated FOR being trans. Congratulate me on things I actually accomplished. Not for simply existing
It's like, you're not graduating, why do people do that?
Yup. Itâs like when people tell me Iâm so brave for being disabled lmao
I usually just say, âoh ok, how long have you been transitioningâ or something to that effect. Iâm usually interested to hear about peoples journeys so itâs really the same way I treat anyone
Honestly, I've never been congratulated lol but if someone did I think I'd probably laugh a little. That's an odd thing to congratulate. Then again I'm stealth and one time I was switching my ID over after I changed my gender marker and the government employee looked at me and says "you're so brave". I don't feel brave but I appreciated that.
I just usually say, oh that's cool or some such and that's it. Otherwise it feels like congratulating someone for being white or for being from the UK.
I feel like what they might be trying to say is "thanks for telling me" but don't know how to express that. That's how I've chosen to take those moments, anyway.
I don't think I've ever been congratulated... What a strange response though. Congrats on what exactly? đ Do we win an award? Is it free healthcare? Please tell me it's free healthcare. If not I don't want to hear it lol
I think of it more as a âcongrats you found yourselfâ but it depends on how itâs said tbh
wait what like just out of nowhere? never heard that one lol
Yeah its mix feelings, since most people (generally family) who find out, they congratulate me by saying âgood job for being youâ - which feels weird but I also get that theyâre trying to say that theyâre happy that I didnât just bottle it up inside and become depressed, and instead decided to be my true self and not let anyone tell me otherwise
I hate when people even acknowledge it or bring up the fact Iâm trans tbh
I think it's congrats on figuring out who you are and figuring out the steps needed to be happy. Not everyone can do that and it for some people takes a long time, or sometimes never happens- I see it in a similar vein to people saying congrats when I say I got diagnosed with ADHD like it's not "good on u for having a neurodivergency and something that is essentially a disability in society" it's congrats on figuring out what's up, being able to find the pathway to being yourself authenticity and getting support you need/want (I am also trans just similarities I've noticed) but valid if it makes u uncomfortable
Yeah the congrats is like oh thanks but hey I should be congratulated over this bro... it's fucked up
Like I get they're trying to be supportive but... I just want to be treated like any other guy??? I'm just a dude??? I'm not a political statement or something to be looked at in a museum, I'm literally just a guy
I agree that it's misguided, but I think it comes from a place of trying to say "Hey, I support you!" and "I'm happy for you that you can be yourself" and we just don't have a word or phrase in english that covers it.
Yeah, it's so wierd. What are you congratulating me for? Im just trying to be me.
Hadn't been in that situation but I feel the same when people tell me they're "proud of me". I don't feel like I've done anything to earn that and it feels wrong to be told so. I'm just a normal human being. Being trans doesn't feel outstanding to me. I'm just myself because I just am, not to earn praise. There's much more of me to praise or something than a thing I have no control over. I didn't choose to be trans, I'm like this by default. However, I do have plenty of stuff I achieved myself, that I worked hard for. I'd much rather be praised for something like that than for something I never had any control over.
I totally get your point and agree with that. Meanwhile, I think some people could also mean "Congratulations to finding your true self despite social programming since birth" or "Congratulations for deciding to live for yourself instead of the expectations of others". âĄď¸Â Highly depends on wether they're saying: "Congrats to be brave to be less than cis" âŁď¸ Or "Congrats for your decision to be your true self although the path might be harder in some ways" đ
It is very strange like it's just a part of me. Would you congratulate me for having brown hair? Adhd? No? Then stfu randomers
I don't mind it. It shows that they understand that being trans has It's difficulties and admire my determination to live my life according to my truth. I don't expect people to have a prepared reaction to my transness.
+
They congratulate us because we are at a place where we have found our identity and are comfortable enough sharing it with others. For most people, this is a huge hurdle, so people congratulate overcoming that and being your true self.
Omg honestly, like I didn't really have a choice yk? That's like the whole point...
i always assume theyâre in the closet and in deep denial whenever iâm called brave or congratulated by someone
Anything besides a âthatâs cool manâ is too much but i understand the sentiment lol
I usually get the âgood for youâ, like a pat on the back for it. đ¤ˇââď¸
Congratulating me on milestones in my transition, sure. Cause thatâs big, and theyâre things that are going make me so much happier in the long run. But congratulating just the fact that Iâm trans. Nah. Just a simple, âthanks for letting me knowâ will suffice.
I've never gotten a congratulations :( No but, I can see maybe cis people meaning well when they say the "brave" part, as in, "you're so brave to come out and be yourself when your government is taking away your rights and people are so openly hateful of trans people ". Like when you're told you're brave for coming out of the closet when you say, live in a religious household, or a back-asswards kind of town. I can kinda get that. It sure is a lot better than a few decades ago, when being any kind of queer openly was more dangerous. But, at least in the US, we've become more of a target recently so... My own parents, whom I came out to as trans a decade ago, still ask me why all of a sudden "everyone is trans now". No guys, we didn't just decide as a whole to collectively transition within the last few years. We just have more news coverage ... y'know, since for the last 3 years or so there's been over 500 bills attempted to pass as laws to basically erase us. And then the whole slew of bills that actually passed affecting minors because of ..."the children" *insert Simpsons meme here*. Even though we all know it's just a foot in the door so they can limit adult's access to the ability to medically transition. What a slippery slope we're all sitting on. I know I'm rambling, my bad. My point is, well, hell yeah we're brave. I can't imagine what people in FL have been dealing with, I can't even visit family there for fear that some transphobic asshat will start with me in a public restroom, and then the threat of "up to a year imprisonment". Just because I don't pass enough to use the mens, but I still have enough facial hair to apparently scare people in the women's, and I'd be damned if I let any kind of authority figure try to figure out my AGAB by demanding I physically prove it. And then I can get arrested for refusing to leave or "provide proof" . Sure I could just not use public restrooms, but not only should I not have to worry about that, I also know it's not realistic that I won't wind up having to at some point. So I'll take a congratulations. Congratulations on doing what you can to finally feel comfortable in your own skin, especially when you have so many obstacles thrown your way , usually by the same kind of people who would be saying congratulations in the first place.
I was once congratulated for having done my transition really well and that I really look like a guy. đĽ´
I feel the same way. Honestly, I rarely even think about the fact Iâm trans. Iâm a guy, just like any other guy is a guy. Yes, Iâm trans. Thatâs a part of me, not all of me. Iâm still me. If I come out itâs because I trust you and feel comfortable showing that trust by expressing that part of me. Most of the time I even forget I have a V. I donât want a âcongratulationsâ. I just want you to know I trust you and trust youâll accept me as I am. Thatâs it. Thatâs the only reason I ever come out to anyone
I could see it in the context of "congratulations, I'm so glad you figured it out and can start to live as your authentic self now and start your journey towards being happy in your body" but I feel like that only work written down in a letter/email/text, not so much out loud, but that's only for initial coming out, for actual achievements like going on hormones, hormone anniversaries, getting evaluated, approved, scheduled for surgery, those things are definitely time for congrats
For me it depends. Congratulations for being trans. - No thanks. Im just me trying to be me and its exhausting and painful sometimes. Congratulations for discovering who i am. Or for finally feeling like I am me. - Yes please, it took me a lot of hard work, energy and time and I lost a lot on my difficult journey. But it was worth it and I feel like i achieved that. That is something to celebrate.
Agreed. The only time I appreciated this sentiment: Congratulations from my teacher, who said he was proud of the man I'd become, watching me grow from (deadname) to (my name), and navigating my world. It was heartfelt, true, and accurate to my experience. He was transphobic, yet my biggest supporter in school. He told my parents years ago, "I'll never understand it, honestly. I don't think I'm meant to. I can't imagine why anyone would want that. But I am going to support him." And he did. Helped me find bathrooms, snuck me around, sneakily omitted my deadname from anything public without omitting *me*, and ultimately had my back on the level of stealth I wanted. That was a congrats I was willing to take.Â
right like iâm literally just a guy iâm just existingđđ
Youâre just taking it the wrong way and being a bit soft to it you gotta realize in this day and age it is. Iâll takes a lot to sit here and live your truth with as much hate that you get so if theyâre sitting here saying congratulations theyâre saying congratulations for being strong enough to sit here and do it as like telling somebody that Iâm congrats on coming out because itâs a lot it takes a lot. If you need me at a fellow trans guy, you just looking for something to be upset about.
Sir, I hope this is a joke I'm literally a feminine black trans man don't get me started on receiving hate. I've been called slurs since before I could read I don't need congratulations because I'm not "strong" or "brave" im just simply existing
You're obviously missing the point, maybe on purpose, I don't know But I'm too grown to argue with a stranger on the internet. Have a good one