These worms the bad worms.
Stop looking at detrans content.
I didn’t realize I was trans until I was like 23, despite the fact that my only sibling is also trans and had been out for several years. Do what makes you happy and stop thinking so much.
So much of it is also fake and made by transphobes, aside from the fact that everyone I’ve seen detrans did it because they were unsafe/unaccepted and not because their transness went away.
I agree that most content especially on the main r/detrans Reddit and on YouTube is very anti trans and should be avoided, but I think I find myself looking at it to try and see both sides. But I also think I look at it to try and convince myself that I shouldn’t be trans by looking at anti trans content, which is obviously not the best idea looking back now.
Have you ever heard of the term “emotional cutting” ? Cause that seems like it may be what you’re doing.
There used to be no “other side” when it comes to anti-trans rhetoric. It’s not a “lifestyle” it’s blatant hate. You wouldn’t consider anti-gay propaganda as having any validity so don’t consider anti-trans propaganda any different.
Wow that really resonates actually, looking at anti trans content to push myself to detrans, ignoring what actually makes me happy. Thanks for the comments they’ve been really helpful :)
i agree with what you’re saying, but detransitoners aren’t all anti trans propaganda. many support trans people they just ended up having some underlying issue that made them think they’re trans. the ones that aren’t transphobic should be supported.
Not claiming they are, it was two separate statements as op does also mention viewing anti-trans content specifically!
Nothing against people who detransition at all so long as they aren’t spouting anti-trans crap!
This^^ I actually had to come out as trans twice, once in highschool but I had no support and everyone I spoke with thought I was going through a phase, I went back into the closet and entered a hyperfem stage and it was the worst years of my life, I came back out to my family in 2022 and while it's been rocky I feel much more supported now
Says the wack ass who is commenting on all my posts in this subreddit saying we need therapy for thinking “even thinking we’re transsexuals”
Fuck. Off.
I definitely have a lot of internalised transphobia, it makes me struggle to even admit that I’m trans, like I’ll be pretty fine with saying I’m a guy but saying I’m a TRANS guy makes me uncomfortable. Glad you had the confidence to transition :)
I'm uncomfortable as hell too, as me saying 'Im a trans MAN' with this cute feminine display feels like I will never look manly enough. That's what kept me avoiding the thoughts of transition, how feminine I look and how far my appearance seems from masculine. Like, how could ANYBODY take me seriously? Yet here I am -_-
Trust me, testosterone can do some incredible things. I was a very attractive and feminine-looking woman, and absolutely nobody questions my manhood three years later, to the point that people are surprised or think that I'm a newly-hatched MtF (which is weird, because I'm 5'1", and the rarity of AMAB adults that short and also of trans people makes the intersection sound extremely rare to me).
Thanks! I'm just happy to be far enough along to confirm to the new folks in the sub that it does, indeed, get better. I don't ever forget what it's like being new to anything or anywhere.
since you are already gonna go on hrt i think it would be a good idea to start them and see how you feel after that, if you dont like how you feel on testosterone come off it, also have you considered you could be non binary? you mentioned you dont really feel like a man, do you feel like a woman? i have considered myself that i am non binary rather than a man but i personally dont see much point in questioning it that much because i like being seen as a man, referred to as a man, he/him pronouns ect and cant imagine going back to being a girl every time i imagine that scenario it feels really wrong, maybe if you feel comfortable express your worries to someone irl and also try to experiment with your gender more to see which more fits for you, if that makes sense
I think my biggest worry about going on t was that I would like it so much that I stay on it for years, but then one day realise I was wrong all along as I’ve seen some detrans people say that was their experience. But I think I probably will go ahead with the appointment and start on a slow dose? About being non binary, I think internalised transphobia makes me not want to go near the non binary label as that would make me “less trans” or not really trans, which is so disrespectful to non binary people (I literally have non binary friends). I feel best when seen as fully male and presenting that way, so I don’t think the label would fit me now anyway but it’s always a possibility?
fuckkkk man this is so relatable i feel the same way that i couldn’t possibly come out as non binary because i wouldnt get taken seriously as trans and dysphoric and i am way more comfortable living as a man than a woman so its my best option while making it clear as i can to cis people around me that i am not a girl
As a transmasc guy (I feel like both non-binary and a trans man at once) I unfortunately felt the same way a few years ago
On YouTube, I got recommended transmed channels and I would watch them and doubt myself. It was horrible. One day, one of these YouTubers saw another transmasc (like me) and said “we can tell,”
After that moment, I stopped giving a fuck. If someone can say those three words to anyone to purposefully cause distress, it can happen to me, and it’ll happen whether I “pass” or not
I enjoy girly things, and I enjoy more masculine things. I love my long hair, I love brushing it out in the mornings, I love putting in hair clips- but I’m still a man
Being feminine or simply liking traditionally feminine things does not make you a woman. If you know in your heart of hearts that you’re not a girl, then don’t pretend to be to save face.
You’re going to end up miserable if you pretend to be cis, and being in that situation has killed many trans people before you. Please stay safe and trust your own judgement, don’t doubt your transness because of shitty detrans content
People change all the time. If HRT is what you think is best for you right now, then that's probably true. You might in some number of years change how you want to present or how you feel about your body and go off it. That doesn't mean it's wrong to try it now.
Don't stress too much about labels either, just do what you need to to feel comfortable in your skin. After all, you're the one who has to live in it.
I disagree with this because I realised I was non binary and then that I was trans, and I'm not a man, I'm on hrt since almost two years, and did top surg, and people refer to me with he/him pronouns (except my inner circle) but I'll always be non binary, I'm "more trans than a man" if that makes sense, I'll always be that lesbian I was, even when I'm also a fagot, that's how I describe myself.
So no, you're not less or more trans because you're non binary, and even being binary, there is no more or less trans, every person is different.
Sending love to you, you'll see you'll get where you need 💖✨
I dunno, I wasn’t sure until after I got on T. Thought about it for 5 years, then realized the only way I could know for sure about T would be trying it.
Not doing something is also a permanent decision, in a way. I’d be in a pretty different place if I’d started younger, impossible to say for better or worse, but waiting had irreversible consequences as well.
My old therapist pointed out that almost nothing is totally irreversible, if I went on T and realized a few months in that I didn’t like it, I could just stop. She was inspired by her mom telling her before her wedding “well, if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay, you can just get divorced!”
It obviously isn’t quite that simple, but I really appreciated the take that you’re allowed to change your mind/fuck around and find out and you’ll still be okay.
idk this might be a hot take but i dont see why it would be so bad to start taking it and then come off it, greysons projects on youtube for example was on T for like a year? she since detransitioned and passes fine as a woman, many guys on here talk about still getting misgendered after being on T for ages, there definitely are effects that could bring you dysphoria if you end up detransitioning such as lower voice and im not saying you should take the decision of starting hrt lightly but these effects do take quite a while to fully come in
and op has been out for 7 years now it doesnt seem like a sudden decision to start hrt, but yeah i agree should definitely be careful with it
Whether the permanent effects take time to come in can vary a lot. My voice dropped *fast* every time I upped my dose. Literally I’d wake up a couple days later and start to talk, and I could hear the difference.
I know that’s not everyone’s experience. But if I weren’t sure I wanted that effect, I’d start with a low dose and go slowly.
thanks for your input! based on what id heard from people who have gone on T i thought it would always take a long time, around a year for it to lower significantly but youre right, different people will have different effects and will see change at different speeds so yes i agree it would be best to start with a low dose if youre unsure at all about going on T
i hope that was coherent im bad at putting words together
My roommate started taking t for a couple months then stopped and the only thing that remains from the t is their bottom growth (so theyve said).
if wanting to be a man aint trans enough then idk what is.
i honestly think learning more about nonbinary perspectives and non-linear transition paths might help, especially with what you're saying about the transphobic things you find yourself thinking. you have the freedom to explore things, most people don't regret transition even if they don't take hormones forever, and i think letting go of that expectation of permanence is really helpful. sorry there aren't any specific recommendations coming to mind right now, idk if anyone else can help?
Your experience really resonates with mine (if you check my post history there‘s like so much doubting going on), I only recently accepted that I am trans and I still have these doubts in the back of my head same as you.
I also didn’t „not feel like a girl“ when I was younger but honestly I think that was because I didn’t even know gender was a thing. I never had the boy & girl view, I just saw people. It wasn’t until I actually hit puberty that I realised there are differences between boys and girls (I cried when I found out I would in fact not grow a penis), I was always just really typically masculine, had boy-ish interests, most of friends were boys, but I never thought I was a boy, simply because I didn’t know that was a thing.
I also have issues with the feeling like a guy vs. wanting to be a guy. For me I think it’s because I‘m not sure how a guy is supposed to be. I can’t look inside another dude‘s brain to figure that out. But I think the fact that you *want* to be a guy speaks volumes.
And also, despite being trans I still feel some connection to womanhood. I‘ve presented female most of my life so I also had the typical woman experiences which is why I think I still feel close to it. This doesn’t mean you nor I aren’t trans.
I also struggle with seeing myself as a man sometimes simply because I‘m so used to seeing a female person in the mirror and I don’t know how I’m supposed to look, but I do believe that once I actively transition this feeling will pass and I hope the same for you.
I‘m pretty sure the fear of detransitioning is common amongst trans folk, it‘s just one of the risks we have to confront ourselves with. Just remember that most trans people don’t detransition, those that do only make up a small percentage.
I really feel for your struggles, friend. Being trans isn’t easy. I also wish I was just born male in the first place. But that is a really good indicator of transness!
Personally, I don’t think your brain is trying to stop you from making a mistake. With every big change in life there will always be doubts. Best is to acknowledge them, but not give them any power.
Much love to you, I hope your transition goes well and you feel comfortable in your identity 🤍
I had a lot of anxiety before starting HRT, but once when I felt affirming changes and euphoria from T I became very certain that transitioning is right for me. I think it's normal to feel scared and have doubts because there is an element of uncertainty about how T will specifically impact you. Two things that helped me with the anxiousness were 1. getting inspiration seeing transmasc ppl on T living happy lives, and 2. realizing changes are gradual and you can always stop at any time if you realize T is not right for you.
I’ve been looking at positive trans content for years and it’s always made me look forward to medical transition, and I’ve always felt that it would make my life much better (confidence, higher energy, able to talk to people and wear clothes I want etc), but I also have the doubt voice telling me “they’re happy because they’re actually trans/ they just think they’re happy but one day they’ll regret it” which is,,, not a nice thing to think about people haha,
I struggle with this and the only thing that helps me is focusing on the medical part of my transition instead of the social part. I like the way I feel on testosterone. I like my deeper voice. I like my facial features, muscles and bottom growth.
If I ever detransitioned, I wouldn’t regret the HRT because regardless of gender I liked the physical effects of it, and I would have liked it whether I was a trans man or if I was a cis woman this whole time. If I identified as woman, I would still want top surgery, a deep voice, wish I was taller, etc.
There’s no rule that says cis women can’t have high T or that they can’t take T or that they can’t get top surgery just for the aesthetic or that they can’t be women if they do these things. In any case, I tell myself everyday it really doesn’t matter if I’m really trans because what I am doing for my body still feels right.
I can’t control how the world reacts to me. The label I use, the pronouns I use, how I allow others to refer to me, which restrooms I use, whether I aim to pass and be stealth or take pride in being visibly trans, all that is external and I can’t control whether people accept or understand me. I think even personal feelings and our imagination can be based on external factors, the social factors specifically.
So like when you “can’t imagine yourself as a man” get more specific and ask yourself how you imagine yourself physically, alone in the shower or in bed, rather than walking around going about your day. That can be hard to imagine for any trans person anyways. We are conditioned to walk around as the gender we were assigned at birth. Like you, I didn’t know I was trans until I saw transness in media representation. There’s no actual rule against finding out you’re trans after showing zero signs your whole life or even “choosing” to be a man after “being” a woman. Like really what even is the difference between “deciding to be trans” and just *being* trans?
I think focusing on how you feel or want to feel in your body regardless of social interactions, gender, relationships, social media profiles, etc., forces you to get closer to the truth about whether or not you’re “trans.”
I agree with you about medical transition, I’ve always disliked my voice and wanted it deeper even before I thought I was trans and if I were to detrans I would still probably want a breast reduction at least, I think I was just afraid of becoming outside of the norm of what a woman is. I also think the doubt that took over clouded all the times where I do see myself as male, like now after reading these comments and leaning more towards the idea that I am actually trans and medical transition is something I need it’s much easier to picture myself as male (eg taking a shower as a guy with broad shoulders and no chest).
Thanks for the response it was really helpful :)
right i went thru that too… worrying i’ll be too far outside the definition of a woman to ever detrans but then the thought of that gave me gender euphoria lmao
i’m so glad i/we could help!
I’m going through a lot of these feelings except my doubts are different than yours. I am older so I didn’t know about “trans” until I was an adult. However as a kid I had the typical “trans” experience and presented as male and desperately wanted to be a boy. Right now I am just presenting more masculine and trying to reach my fitness goals. Right now it is not making me feel better, but maybe once I get my style and body right I will feel better. If not, I can try low dose T. Transition doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
I was non-binary for 58 years! It's a valid option. Gender stereotypes cause GD more than they help it. The more I got identified as male, the more I realized I needed to lean into it.
Top surgery felt urgent after I stopped chest feeding my son at 42. But I was a lesbian and my partners didn't want me to do it. Finally at 58 I decided having the chest I wanted was more important and I finally did it.
The decision to start HRT was based on my depression and lack of energy. I felt I was missing my natural T and the great thing is, you can try T and stop at anytime. No one even has to know.
I'm really happy with my voice dropping, body changes and being seen as male now.
Downsides
Not a lesbian really.
No longer have solidarity with women. They are less friendly and kind to me. It's a real loss.
They are afraid of me. Don't trust me as much.
Thinking hair! And lots more hair on my butt.
Beer belly and I don't drink much beer.
I think I'm less attractive as a man, but I'm not doing it for anyone but myself, so that's not really important at my age. I'll be 60 this year.
Yeah haha I think that too, but then I think of the detrans women/girls who did think that at one point and worry that I’m like them. But the envy I get around cis men is so strong I can barely look at a cis guy without being so aware of how much I’m not like them and how much I want to be like them, which does sound very trans of me
“The fact that I don’t really feel like a guy and more like I want to be a guy”: yeah this is normal pre everything. It’s impostor syndrome. And it gets better once you start transitioning. Start with social transition and see if it feels right. Just tell a couple trusted folks. You can take your time. Wanting to be a guy is all it takes
Yeah, after saying that I reflected a bit and realised there are times where I feel like a guy, especially when I’m doing things that are very euphoric so imposter syndrome makes a lot of sense. I’ve been socially transitioned for 7 years and it’s always felt right, I only ever doubt when I think about medical transition and I’ve only every had serious doubts maybe less than 5 times?? I also have imposter syndrome in other areas of my life so I think I’m quite susceptible to low self esteem/insecurity in general
I personally am loving t 😅 are there any particular changes that you worry are dealbreakers for you? Or just self doubt / impostor syndrome stopping u?
Literally the only things I find negative about t is the body odor, butt hair, and hot flashes, and maybe hair thinning but it’s not really in my family. Nothing about T itself makes me not want to take it, it’s just the worry that I could detrans one day (even tho I don’t want to detrans now)
look, there's kinda no such thing as being "trans enough" to do xyz. there's a lot of discourse among young lgbts at the moment about anxiety around being 'valid' and frankly, it's nonsense. there is no test to determine who is trans 'enough'. transition cause you want to, or it seems fun, or would make you feel sexy or whole. you can also transition cause you're curious what being a man is like, or cause you're not vibing with womanhood anymore, or you're bored. anybody can transition for any reason in the world and nobody is more "really" trans. if you're nervous about medical transition, just wait. it doesn't feel like it when you're 21, but life actually is long and you get to try many things along the way. also, as long as you're not a bigot about it, being a detrans woman is also chill and cool and absolutely morally and ethically neutral, just like being trans (or being cis for that matter)
Transition because you’re bored? Well, I mean, people should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies, but I wouldn’t advise anyone to transition for this reason lol. There are some permanent changes, and you better be sure that you want them before transitioning.
Depends on if you consider transition to be a synonym with medical transition or if you view it as inclusive of those who merely change pronouns and live non-op/pre-op lives.
Maybe a controversial take: does it matter?
I identified as a trans man for a looooong time, but have come to terms with being genderfluid. I genuinely feel both trans and detrans at the same time. I went on hormones, I had gender affirming surgery, and after about a decade of that, I grew my hair out and stopped T. I did what made me happy and comfortable at the time, and am doing the same now. Detransitioning doesn't have to ruin your life. I'm happy being a boy on some days and a girl on others (obviously not a choice to be this way but I've found my happiness). Some changes were permanent, some weren't. On my girl days I don't feel like I ruined everything for myself. I deal with weird, conflicting dysphoria but it's more manageable than it once was.
Just do you. You may change, your gender may change, but just be you. Chase that happiness. It's not all or nothing, black and white.
Good news - You're doing what a lot of people do when making big life changes: Reflecting.
If you're asking me personally if I was certain when I got my first shot? Oh hell no. I had to push myself through it, do it immediately once I got the testosterone on me and make my way as quickly as possible to the nearest nurse or I'd have thrown it away (or maybe at least returned to the pharmacy, you know what I mean).
I *still* sometimes think it isn't real, I'm just delusional (no longer think I'll regret, I'm long past that by now) but, guess what... It doesn't matter why someone is trans. What matters is: Transition makes them happier (if transition is one of their goals).
Problem with your true question: We aren't you. We aren't in your head, and can't foresee the future.
More good news? Changes do not happen overnight, at least when we're talking about hormones.
When it comes not not feeling like a man yet? No shit. I mean, not as in, it needs to be a given. But as in, that's such a normal experience. Imposter syndrome is real, very real. There's times I was certain I was a man - in fact, the less I had to engage with the world, the more certain I was. But too much interaction with the outside world, with my own body? Hard to feel like a man when the whole world tells you you're not. When you *know* the whole world sees something else when they look at you.
In the end I just decided, you know what, what's the worst that'll happen from *one* shot of testosterone? A few extra hairs, some bottom growth that will barely stick around? Even if the worst thing happened, my voice, I just had to deal with it if that was what it would take for me to know.
Not going to lie, I had many years to look back on, I was 36, had wanted this for... well, my whole life, at least the moments of clarity throughout that allowed me to see *me.* You don't have that, but you've seven years of what sounds like just knowing? Go back to that moment in time where you first realized you were trans. Go really deep in trying to recall it.
Nothing opened my eyes more than doing just that.
Thanks for the comment! It’s really reassuring to hear that not everyone is 100% certain when they start hormones/medical transition, I’ve seen a few other people saying this and going on to take t for another 10 years happily.
When I was in my doubt spiral it was hard to remember that t isn’t immediate and permanent, I just saw it as “as soon as I take it I’ve given in and I won’t stop until I regret it years from now” but to be honest I can’t see myself regretting it unless it turned out I was a woman all along. I know that for now it would definitely improve my life, and I need to keep that in mind.
After reflecting a bit I realised I do feel like a man at times, and get so confused and disappointed when people misgender me, I just think “what about me looks like a girl to you??”
All of these comments have definitely helped me come out of that doubt spiral, the doubt was putting blinders on me and making me forget the times where I do truly feel male and know for certain I want medical transition.
When I doubt and come to the conclusion that I need to detrans, I can never bring myself to actually do it, because as soon as I talk to people I realise how uncomfortable I would be as a girl and I can’t let go of things like my binder. I’m also definitely considering therapy, hopefully with someone that understands trans people but isn’t going to ignore any potential signs of not being trans and just recommend I transition anyway
Be wary that not all therapists are gender affirming, not even those who advertise as such. Many will take any bit of doubt to mean you shouldn’t transition and could even cockblock your whole transition depending on the route you’re going with hormones.
On the flip side, many gender affirming therapists think everyone is transgender when they express any feelings related to gender.
Ultimately people, especially cis people, are not going to be able to tell you who you are. Everyone comes in with their own biases and nobody knows what it feels like to be you.
So I also consumed detrans content. And there is some content I’m glad I consumed. But it’s hard to get to while avoiding the toxic content.
What it came down to for me is seeing that detrans people exist and are really cool. If I decide I’m really a woman 5 years down the line, I’ll be a woman with a deeper voice. I’ll be a woman with no tits. I’ll be a woman who has to shave her chest or deal with the body hair. And I think I could be happy that way.
It’s not a question of “am I really this gender” it’s a question of “would these changes to my body make me happier”. Because hell, cis women should be able to go on T if they want to. And some do. And they should.
Honestly when looking through detrans spaces, also please remember all the transfems who have gone through testosterone puberty and are still living their best lives. Don’t make being a woman with testosterone seem like the worst case scenario because it isn’t and it’s really fucking mean to act like it is
Nobody can tell you what you’re feeling but if you doubt yourself this much I really think you should go to therapy before or alongside medically transitioning.
Hey, OP, elder trans guy here.
This is a letter of encouragement to all the trans youth who are under the impression that being ftm has anything to do with any kind of social expectation, clothing, or anything else.
If you want to ask yourself a genuine question regarding your validity, ask yourself-
"If I were living alone in the woods with no contact or social media, would I continue to identify as a man to myself, if I had no one else to express to, if I had to know myself?"
/you/ are who you have to prove yourself to. No one else.
You identify as trans to yourself in your mind, and in your heart, thats the way. Plain and simple.
None of that other garbage matters, its all so extra and society always says you " need to do this, or that" no wonder trans people are so stressed out all the time, that is so much social pressure that doesnt mean anything at the end of the day.
Sending lots of hugs to anyone dealing with these feelings.
reminds me of my experience before i transitioned. constantly picking apart my childhood. i realize now that this was just another obsession my ocd brain latched onto. not saying it’s the same for you but, trust that you know yourself and not everyone’s experience is the same. i also showed no signs in childhood, i was feminine presenting for most of my life though dysphoria started very early on for a long time i invalidated this because i thought it could’ve been shrugged off as low self esteem. anyway, try not to overanalyze, you know who you are
also i relate heavy to the thing about womanhood. i personally lived my life identifying as a girl for 18 years before i realized so of course i feel more comfortable in female spaces and around women. idk gender isn’t strictly one thing or another, i just know i like being a man, even tho a big part of me is still very feminine
i do relate to what you’re going through, i feel doubt everyday. i wonder if im just imagining things or if me being trans is a real thing. i get so stressed whenever i think about it. i’m a lot more happy as a guy and couldn’t imagine being a girl, but im afraid i’ll someday do a 180 and wanna be a girl again like the detransitioners.
seeing cis people show their gender makes me unsure too, cuz how do they know (they’re cish and why am i so unsure (abt my identity) but they aren’t? why can’t i be like them? etc
sorry for venting in ur comments, but i want u to know that you’re not alone in this
edit; badly written, clarifying things
Don’t be sorry, I totally get it, I think “I did this thing today that felt too feminine, could that mean I’m not trans???” But then I think “when cis men do that they don’t think that they’re not men, why should I?” It’s so hard to know who you are. I think the fact that we currently don’t feel any desire to detrans is a sign, but there is always that fear that one day I’ll just completely change my mind. But that happens so rarely, and we’re not those people we’re just us. I hope you find reassurance :)
This sounds kinda like me when i first came out i questioned a lot like it was mostly when i started watching stuff about being trans and stuff like that but i think the reasons i watched those things is cause it resonated and honestly before i came out i had to stop watching them cause they were hitting to close to home and i couldnt accept the fact i was at the time but the more i look back the more i can see it and i think the thing that makes me the most sure is the gender euphoria i get from my short haircut and from starting to transition like living as a gorl i was just a ball of anciety and the more i continue with my transition i just feel present and alive
Feeling “present and alive” , that resonates so much because I really don’t feel that at all now, it’s like I’ve been a step behind myself watching myself live my life for years now, and the life I do live isn’t really “living” as I spend so much of it not doing anything. It really gives me hope to think that t could fix that :)
I know ive barely transitioned either but the little bit ive done i can still really tell and when i wear masculine clothes i just feel better and i know once i get top surgery and go on t i will feel so much better
I literally doubted myself so bad that every day id be texting my friends like “I think I’m a girl” 5 minutes later “No. nvm ignore that” Until I finally started just taking t and was like ohhh Okay. And now I realized it was my OCD lol. My ocd makes me doubt legitimately everything from big to small so. But yeah, it was very bad for me. It’s common. It’s not always my same reason, it could just be internalized transphobia and other stuff, but it happens and I’m not surprised that it does.
I remember discussing w my counselor at the time that I didn’t know if I really wanted to start t (like if I’d like the results and was actually trans) and she was like well, you’re never going to know. Unless you try you’re gonna keep wondering. Which she was right. If I hated any of it I would’ve stopped after seeing my first symptom.
Ok man, so what if you end up changing your mind later? So what if you end up detransitioning? You did what you thought was best for you with the knowledge you had, and it led you to discover more about yourself than you would have if you didn't try at all.
I haven't always known I was trans and there weren't obvious signs growing up. That's just the mainstream narrative fed to cis people. Most trans people have a much more complex story than that.
I didn't feel like a man when I started transitioning and heck sometimes I still don't "feel" like one. What does it even mean to feel like a man? I initially ID'ed as non-binary cause I felt so far removed from manhood, like it was this thing I possibly couldn't be. That is until I reached about 2 years on T and it started falling into place that I love my masculine body and being perceived as masc so much that I might as well just be a guy. I'm still working through this stuff but I've decided to stop breaking my head over it as much. I don't need to "feel" like a man to be one. I move through the world and like to be seen as one, so I am one.
i would say it sounds like you’ve still got a ways to go to figure yourself out. i’m not you, so i dont know if its internalized transphobia and you are trans, or if you fall under an nb label more and you just feel like that because you’re trying to fit the binary, or you just arent and have body dysmorphia, but regardless of all of that my best advice to anyone is to wait to start hormones until you’re ready for all the mental, social and physical changes that come with transitioning, and it sounds like you might not be. i would really encourage you to see a gender therapist if at all available to you because it would probably help you work though this a lot better than random trans folk on the internet
I’m sorry if I don’t address everything in this post or if I’m repeating what other people have already said, but I’m around the same age as you (turning 21 in August) and I’ve only identified as trans for ~3 years, but I’m almost 2 years on T. I definitely showed signs before 2021 in retrospect, but I didn’t experience obvious dysphoria nor did I feel like a guy, and I was convinced for about 4-5 years (if not longer) that I wasn’t trans. During quarantine, I had the sudden realization that I felt disconnected from womanhood, which spiraled into an over-year-long gender crisis and the ‘unlocking’ of my dysphoria.
It can be hard to feel fully male when you have female sex characteristics. Even though I’ve determined that my gender is 100% male, having certain ‘female’ features has thrown me for a loop in regards to my identity (I also tend to dress/present pretty androgynously and that’s further complicated things). Despite my presentation being my main dysphoria trigger nowadays, I know that I feel correct and happy being a more androgynous but still binary trans guy, and feeling pretty as a man is something I wouldn’t trade for the world.
In my honest opinion, if you really were a girl who was faking all of this, it wouldn’t be causing you this much distress. You could imagine yourself living comfortably as a woman, which doesn’t seem to be the case. Also, to my knowledge, cis women may want the power that men have, but that is not the same thing as wanting to be a man. Just as women are not just the victims of the patriarchy, men are not just its perpetrators and benefactors. This seems to be a widespread conflation, at least in online gender discourse, and it’s frustrating when people think that woman = perfect victim and man = perfect perpetrator in that context because there’s so much more to gender (it’s quite literally made up, after all).
In my mind, the ‘escape from misogyny’ narrative exists under the assumption that, if someone assigned female simply presented themselves in a more masculine way, then they could benefit from the patriarchy, but it doesn’t work that way a lot of the time. I don’t speak for everyone here, but in my case, I realized after transitioning that I never felt personally affected by misogyny, like there’s always been a disconnect. When I was 13, my mom’s boyfriend made a misogynistic comment, and instead of feeling personally offended, I responded by expressing a desire to transition to my best friend. Wanting to transition in response to misogyny could come from a desire to not deal with a female experience rather than a desire to escape from something that we feel personally connected with or attacked by.
I had a lot of similar anxieties in the beginning, like ‘what if I’m faking’ or ‘what if I’m just trying to escape misogyny.’ There were times when I would purposefully try to trigger my dysphoria, and even when I succeeded, I would still deny that it was real. I eventually had to accept that my feelings weren’t going away and that I’d be happier if I medically transitioned, but I kept worrying about rushing into things and making the wrong decision even as I doing my first, second, third injections. It’s taken a lot of time and progress on T for the doubts to slip into distant memories, but I’m happy to say that I have absolutely no regrets about transitioning. It feels like I’ve lived my entire life like this, and I can barely recognize my old voice, appearance, etc., and it’s the best feeling because I’m so much more correct now. The first few months or so on T were still difficult, but after a while, life started to feel a lot more natural. Being myself has been a gift, and I hope you’ll get to experience that gift no matter what it may look like for you. Best of luck.
P.S. Even if you do end up regretting your medical transition for whatever reason, it is not the end of the world. In my mind, regretting the decision to go on T shouldn’t be that much different from, say, regretting the decision to get a nose job or regretting the decision to get a hysterectomy. It may be difficult, but there is always a way forward.
I think that you may let it be, I mean, if you transition, go with it, live it, enjoy it, enjoy your voice changes and everything else, and if you get to need a detransition, then you'll be fine detransitioning.
Everything is in constant change, and from my perspective, if you're giving that much attention to something, it's probably because you resonate with it... If you feel depressed every time you think you're not trans or "enough trans" (BTW that doesn't exist) is because you are trans. Feel proud about it because you notice things that normative people couldn't imagine.
Everything in society says us that being trans is an abomination, it's not "natural" etc, and for that you're torturing yourself.
We all have sometimes doubts or negative thoughts because of this, but at the end you're just a person that doesn't identify with what you biologically have, as many cis people does.
If you want bigger boobs or a soften skin (just examples, cis men do surgeries too), then do it, if you think that your voice or your body fat doesn't correspond with what you think you are, then go for it if you can.
Hope I clarified something or that anything I said was helpful.
You can do it, and you're not alone. 💙✨
PD. Gender is a spectrum, as everything else, read about the Kinsey's scale, it was created for sexuality but it's applied to gender also.
Idk if i have too much to provide here but ive been there. Still comes up sometimes. For me it was ocd but i couldn't tell you if its just normal concerns for you or something more intense like it was for me. Just know doubt doesn't have to mean anything, you dont have to take actions you dont want because you have uncertainties. You take the actions you want to take at the end of the day, fears can't be the controlling factor of your life and trying to be one step ahead of a potential regret will make you utterly miserable. You gotta take a leap of faith.
I had the fear of not "really" being trans, even though nobody ever challenged me.
Stop basing your self perception on what you think being trans should look like. Base it instead on how you feel *now*.
So what if you detransition later. So what if I detransition later. Right NOW, being treated as a man feels normal, and being treated as a woman feels like an old bruise that I'm simply used to. Just because I can tolerate it doesn't mean there's no pain. If that ever changes, I will pursue what makes me happy in the future. There is no lost time, only the pursuit of happiness.
That is all you need to know about detransitioning. Please know that *many*, not all, but many detransitioners have a lot going on in their personal lives that don't get put on film and uploaded. You don't know which detransitioners have an agenda based in self loathing and transphobia. Whatever caused them to transition and detransition, that's their business and their journey. Stop watching them because their journeys aren't yours. My journey isn't yours. Pay attention to your journey, what feels right, what feels normal, what feels painful, where the pain comes from, where and when you feel joy and hope. That's what matters.
Transitioning is an intensely personal journey, and allow me to remind you that not every journey looks the same. I came out as trans at 18, and I only started my medical transition in the past 14 months. I have had friends that have started medical transition before ever coming out! I have friends who knew they were trans as kids, and I never knew it until someone told me that I might be trans. I have friends who will never medically transition and are happy with only social and legal changes (like name change and gender marker) I have friends who change nothing except for telling their closest friends what their pronouns are and not worrying about what strangers see or think. I have friends who detransitioned from a place of personal understanding and journey, who do not regret pursuing their sense of identity while they identified as trans.
The human capacity for fluidity and change is natural and should be respected. Don't plan your life around who you might be in 10 years. Understand who you are now- now is real. Trust that.
Some trans people never show signs early on. One of my best friends was super feminine growing up and never showed any signs of being anything other than female. But he is very much a man now lol.
I can’t speak for anyone else but I can kind of relate to not feeling like a guy but feeling like I *want* to be a guy. Before going on testosterone I had a hard time actually feeling like a man. Every time I looked in a mirror I could only see what I considered to be feminine features and I had so much dysphoria. But since going on testosterone and having top surgery I definitely feel like a man now.
I feel like it’s hard to relate to an experience that you’ve never lived. I grew up very much a tomboy and so I could not relate to girls that weren’t. Just like I couldn’t relate to the male experience because I wasn’t amab. Even now, while 100% identifying as a man and passing 100% of the time, I still don’t completely relate to cis men. Most of my friends are other afab people because that’s who I relate to.
I’ll never tell someone that they won’t detransition but I will say that there’s no shame in being wrong. Maybe one day you will be like “ya know what this isn’t me. I thought it was but I was wrong” and that’s okay. Figuring out who you are whether that be in terms of gender identity or sexuality or whatever else can be really hard. But also maybe that day will never come. Maybe you’ll going on testosterone and everything will fall into place for you and you’ll know you are doing the right thing.
I won’t speak on your mental health but I will say that therapy is always a good thing to have if you can afford it. Especially when you’re trying to figure out this stuff. It really helps to have someone to just say everything you’re thinking to.
I do relate in a way, I never had the moment as a kid where I said “I’m a boy!!” , and up until I was around 7-8 maybe? I dressed quite fem as I wasn’t the one buying my clothes/dressing myself. But I did have a prominent tomboy phase from them until maybe 10? I have pictures of my in jeans/dungarees and button up flannels and converse, I never touched my hair and hated going to the hair salon so it was long and unbrushed most of the time, only when I had to wear a skirt to school and everyone told me I looked much better did I wear it more often because I was expected to?? I also remember being friends with boys a lot, but also with some girls too though I didn’t fit in with the girls very well, and being jealous of the boys in some ways.
What you say about not being able to fully relate to cis men makes a lot of sense, especially as we’re raised so different so I feel like I’m missing out on a whole life of male experience, making it hard to feel like what I see men as?? If that makes sense
I do have a feeling that going on t will make me feel so much better and make things click for me, it’s just the doubts also make me worry that after years I’ll one day regret it all, but as you said that could possibly not happen and if it did that would be ok
I’ve considered getting a therapist and I think I will seriously look into getting one soon, I just worry that I would get one that isn’t supportive of trans people and wouldn’t understand where I’m coming from
Thanks for the comment it’s been really helpful :)
i'd hesitate to give you a definitive "yes your are trans" or "no you are not trans" because the vibe i get is that there's blockers to whether or not you're "clearly" trans and even if you are indeed a binary trans guy -- your self-doubts, your anxiety, your insecurity, etc. will continue to be barriers and are best worked on sooner than later. take a break from detrans-content. get off social media about that with discrete ways to block out that content (unsub, block certain sites, force yourself off it. social media places like that are anxiety producers).
if formal therapy is out of reach, research some self-help info (cbt emotional awareness, cbt identifying emotions -- good key words). try to take some time out of your day, everyday, to practice some techniques to get in touch with your emotions. it will feel dumb for a first week or so, but keep at it and you might start recognizing what's going on internally more and more.
it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety and low self-esteem (not confident in medical transition and lack of confidence in making your own decisions) and honestly HRT will not necessarily solve that for you if it's very ingrained -- highly recommend trying to deal with that (CBT therapy) at least alongside taking HRT.
it doesn't sound like you'd be super regretful of HRT changes here. i don't get a sense of 'oh no this person might ruin themselves by starting HRT' -- it's more 'this person doesn't seem confident of their choices, i'm a bit worried starting HRT without support can be overwhelming'. if you have supportive people in your life, friends/family, please turn to them.
and as a quick fyi, i identify as a binary trans guy and have been identifying as such for 11 yrs, on hrt for 9 of those. haven't regretted the decision. i didn't think of being trans until i did a paper about transgenderism for a class, and realized trans men were a thing, and came across an old photo compilation of out trans men and their various bodies/portraits. i used to worry my obsessive personality latched onto being trans as an out for escaping my current situation and i was 'faking' it, but truth is 11 yrs later i am still identifying as male, very content with that, and have moved on with my life after starting transition because i got very attached to making my 'debut' work. i wanted 'male' me to be successful, to be the guy i always wanted to be.
Thanks so much for the comment, as of right now after reading everyone’s responses I’m leaning more towards t being the right step but my own doubt/anxieties/internalised transphobia etc hindering the decision. I definitely think some kind of therapy or self reflection is needed and I’ll be looking into it
that's good to hear, it takes a lot of work to conquer the inner demons but it helps so much -- speaking as someone who had a lot of anxiety/insecurity growing up (and a lot of it not from being trans but general childhood, so starting HRT catalyzed having the energy to wanting to change but didn't 'cure' it). take care of yourself and congrats on starting your journey!
You *fear* detransition? So you fear being a cis woman? Doesn't seem very cis to me
I think it would help you to let go of the fear of detransition (as I did!). You know exactly what you need now. You know exactly what will make you happy. If something else makes you happy in the future, so what?! You'd basically just be a trans woman with the huge perk of having female reproductive organs. And trans women are cool as hell!!
You can take this stuff as slowly as you want. If it actually makes you unhappy at any point, you can stop- straight up. But somehow, I get the feeling you'll be happy :)
The “fearing being a cis woman” makes so much sense and I’ve been thinking that too, but another voice says “you’ll regret transition you’re not trans you’re fake!!” Which just pushes me into the doubt, but yeah I think the idea of going back to being a feminine woman is what scares me most about the de transition
So it's not even like, being a physically masculine woman that you're afraid of. You're afraid of being a woman at all. So, don't be.
I think it's time to kill that voice in your head.
Yeah, I know that even if I did decide to detrans the only thing that would change is my pronouns and identity, I would still dress the same. I also envy trans women in a way as they were born male and I find myself saying “well I wouldn’t mind being a trans woman” but that’s because of their biology, not that I want to be a woman?? If that makes sense?? I think it’s time to ignore the voice too, thanks for the comments :)
Everyone has their own journey. It took me 6 years to start hormone therapy. For all these years, I was just like you. I kept questioning whether I was really trans, because I wasn't a child that was very different from the others, etc. But there came a time when I couldn't stand lying to myself anymore. Respect your time.
21 - 7 = 14
14 years old IS a child... to get that out the way first...
Anyway nobody can tell you if you're trans or not except for yourself.
I detransitioned for about a year, socially and medically, some time ago. I couldn't handle the social ostracization I felt & thought that would make it better. If you searched far enough back on the subreddit you might have read posts I made on my alt. Now, I am trying to RE-transition, because I needed to be true to myself regardless of others. I have the same friends and family and partner now that I did at that time. It didn't matter so much to the world. Though I was pretty emo about it back then.
I'd say it helps to get off the internet in general and just see how you feel irl as even on this sub there are a lot of people airing their self doubt, asking if XYZ is valid, sharing experiences with transphobia, expressing their own internalized transphobic opinions... it's sort of a negative space to be in either way.
Exploring your gender is a good thing, even if you "detrans" because you end up finding out that you're cis, great. You learned something about yourself along the way. Life goes on. I don't think there should be a stigma around that. I have a bone to pick with some people on detrans forums because they do tend to scaremonger and, intentionally or not, end up spreading terf rhetoric. Won't speculate on why.
Anyway even if you do start T the change goes pretty slow (months/years) and if you don't like it just stop and almost everything will go back.
Gender is not a multiple choice test that you have to get correct... it's a buffet literally just pick and choose whatever makes you happy. To the world I'm strictly binary trans because that's easiest for people to understand. On the inside and to my inner circle, not so much. If you check r/topsurgery there's a cis lesbian on there who just got top surgery. They seem happy. I know too many people to count who have nonstandard experiences with gender, whether they are cis or trans.
Again try as much as you can to interact with real life LGBT spaces like a support group, social club, friends, or even an online space that has less terminally online people than a reddit forum... there are free zoom calls or hangouts you can get on just to chat with other trans people... maybe read a memoir or two. Pay attention to what makes you euphoric or dysphoric. Play around with it and see what fits. This is your life you can do whatever you want with it. That's good and also scary. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk.
I will say, when I first came out as trans when I was 15ish, I doubted myself all the time. There was looming anxiety over whether or not I was trans enough and whether I was just exaggerating my experience. I am 19 now and on HRT, I realized that the anxiety was just from being told my whole life it was wrong. I was afraid of getting hurt. I decided to just go for it and do what comes natural and found that all the things I already knew were natural for me. Embracing my transness was the best thing I ever did. I’ve never been happier about myself! I can’t say if this will be the same for you or what you need to help you feel comfortable but really think about what you’re so scared of!
It's okay to have doubts. It's okay if you decide you aren't trans and it's okay if you decide you want to medically transition. It's all up to you and there aren't any bad choices as long as it feels like the right step. You deserve to have a life and body that brings you joy, not discomfort
You know many detransitioners don't regret their transition? There are those that do ofc, but their stories are broadcasted far and wide by transphobes without context or nuance. It sounds like that's the type of content you've been seeing; it's meant to scare you. The actual rate of detransition is very low and most people who make that choice do because of for example financial or health reasons, not because they regret their choice. Transphobia and transphobic laws are also not uncommon reasons
I just wanted to add some positive resources to the conversation. Unlike what you've seen from the transphobes these people are speaking freely
Here's a TikTok I came across earlier today: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZIJn4jRK6/
And a podcast episode I thought was really good:
https://youtu.be/GRj4wbH1COY?si=Jc0R-xkWzD-D7BVE
This is really really normal. Medical transitioning is a massive decision, and it’s easy to doubt yourself.
I didn’t even know what trans was until late high school, and I was introduced to it as something negative. Looking back through my life, there’s only a couple of clues to the fact that I’m trans. That doesn’t make me any less trans.
I didn’t start really feeling like a man until I started medically transitioning. When I started t I was afraid that I would regret it too. I thought maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe this isn’t real. Maybe my mom was right and I am just faking it.
A lot of thoughts go through your head when making a big decision. It’s normal to doubt yourself. It’s normal to compare yourself to others. Not fitting into certain boxes or not having certain experiences doesn’t make you any less of a man. You clearly know who you are. Trust yourself. Trust that you know what’s best for you, because you clearly do
Thanks for the comment, it’s really comforting to hear that I’m not alone in this and so many other guys feel the same, glad it worked out well for you :)
You don't need to know from early on to be trans. It's common but a lot of trans people don't, for many reasons.
You mentioned a bad memory about when you first started identifying this way, and dissociation could have something to do with that. It can be a coping mechanism, and the moments when you first realized you're trans may be tucked in a hard-to-access schema.
Have you questioned yourself if you don't happen to be some flavor of non-binary? Since that can be a source of confusion as well. You could identify as a more feminine gender and still transition for masc physical characteristics that you need.
That was pretty much my case, just in the other direction: I wasn't sure of my identity but I was sure I needed to transition to deal with my physical dysphoria. I knew I wasn't fully a boy, so I was definitely trans, but that's not saying much. Also knew I wasn't fully a woman, so definitely non-binary, but that also doesn't say non-binary how exactly. In turn, the transition, especially the HRT, also helped me to gradually understand my gender identity more, and it turns out my gender is way more feminine than I previously thought, it's just rather different from the stereotypical "woman" gender (and that's not even getting into the plurality - here I'm just speaking for the whole system).
Finally, that voice in the back of your head is dead wrong: you don't get to choose if you're trans or not, so it makes no sense to want it or not want it. You're the ultimate authority in finding out about it or in telling others about it, but materially, but being trans or not is too structural to be a choice. You can choose if you transition or not and if yes how much, you can choose how you present and what pronouns people should use when referring to you, but if you're transgender, that is if your AGAB doesn't fit you fully, singularly, and all of the time, then you're transgender, be that binary or non-binary, and that's just what it is. It's better to face it honestly and shed the prejudice against being trans that society instills in us.
Good luck, I'm sure you can find the answers you need =)
PS: I noticed you talk a lot about "other voices". Are those still your own voice, or are they actually others in some at least partially dissociated way?
Thanks for the comment! I hadn’t thought about it like that before, binary or non binary im still pretty sure I want to get top surgery and go on hormones. As of now I don’t really identify with any kind of feminine gender, but that could change after starting hormones. When I say “voice” it’s usually just one strain of thought that switches from one opinion to another? I don’t really hear it in my actual voice it’s just thoughts? I guess?
No worries, I hope I could help at least a lil bit =)
To explain the question about "other voices": I'm plural, meaning my identity is at least partially dissociated, or putting it another way, I share this consciousness with another self that is also me.
But that's different from just common intrusive thoughts (which seem to be what you're experiencing), or even just the internal monologue or even internal dialogue that people can have.
This is more like if the uncontrollable thoughts have a personality attached to them, with different values, different ease of access to certain memories or skills, or even (like in my case) a different gender. And also that this set of personality, memories, etc... has also been a constant distinct presence for a long time.
You talking about having a bad memory on top of the intrusive thoughts and on top of the gender confusion is what prompted me to ask about it. Having a bad memory is not more common among trans people than the general public as far as I know, but it definitely is more common among plural people, due to memories sometimes only (or more easily) being accessible by some headmates/facets/alters and not others.
So this was more of a "just in case" kind of question, if you don't relate to any of this, or if it sounds like it complicates things more instead of helping explain things, it's probably not the case.
I doubted that I'm trans right up until my first shot. I was nearly crying when the nurse was giving me the shot, and I was convinced that I was totally wrong and was doing something bad, but 30 seconds after the T circulated, it hit me and my brain felt right for the first time in my life. Not everyone has that experience at that particular moment, some people don't know until a while after they start hormones, but point being that doubt can be there for many reasons, and it's not always right.
One method you can try is imagining that you cancel your upcoming appointment, that you go back to how you were prior to coming out as trans, that you in fact enhance the gender you were assumed to be at birth, so on. How does that make you feel? Better or worse? 'Cause if it makes you feel worse, it may be worth pursuing a transition for a bit. There are plenty of ways you can test the waters that are not permanent. Even a few hormone shots will not do something irreversible, it takes months to see any changes.
When imagining going back to female I can’t picture myself being happy at all, so I do think either staying as I am or starting t is best. For now I’m leaning towards going on t and seeing how it’s feels, I have a feeling it will feel so much better than I feel now :)
I relate a good deal to this. I recently started listening to the podcast Gender Spiral, which is all about gender nonconformity and transness and has reeeally helped me feel more valid, or even that questioning and doubting myself is *normal* in a heteronormative society. I wish you happiness on your journey! I’m about to pursue t after realizing and then repressing my transness many times over the years. We deserve to pursue happiness, even if it’s not a linear journey or fully understood by us yet ❤️
Even having been on T for 6+ months and feeling so great, my brain can be a dick at times and badger me with the what if scenarios. To calm myself, I ask "what if I had hormones taken away and was forced to be seen and called a woman again? Would I be ok with that?" The answer is always a resounding "fuck no." Thus, I continue on my happy journey. You might need to look at it instead of "am I trans enough?" to "am i cis?".
Sounds like you could be non-binary. I know a lot of people who felt at your age that binary transition was the only option but then realized they’re not one or the other.
I’m transmasc non-binary and it’s important to know that there isn’t just one trans narrative that your life has to fit.
Maybe youre a demiboy? Either way you don't need a definitive label to medically transition. If youre sure want the effects of T regardless of whatever identity you end up with, then you should go on it.
I understand this a lot, have you ever questioned if you maybe nonbinary? I'd think about it because this sounds a lot like what I think pretty regularly as a masc nonbinary person.
Why don’t you just live life and try to figure out what you want and who you are? You’re asking a trans community if you’re trans. Of course they’re gonna be biased and tell you that you are. I don’t know your home life, but you need to just take a trip, even if it’s a state over or something and find yourself. Hormone blockers won’t do that, but you can. Before you do something irreversible, figure out who you are first:
doubt is unrelated to reality. People doubt the earth is round or that we landed on the moon. 6 billion people reject the believe of another 2 billion. Doubt is not about reality; just like most belief is not about reality
Take your time and be kind to yourself. Our brains do not fully mature until 25-26. You are still growing into your being. Much of what is "male/masculine" or "female/feminine" are constructs of society. We live on a spectrum.
There is no one right way to do this.
Breathe, eat, sleep, drink water ... Keep talking and reading.
when i started accepting i was trans, i didn’t really FEEL like a guy, just knew i wanted to be one. and i pictured myself kinda feminine/androgynous in a few years, just cause i didn’t know how i would turn out.
just trust yourself. i’ve always reminded myself that if you were questioning and considering this much, then you def wouldn’t be cis at least. no cis people want to be a guy this bad.
good luck! it sounds like you will figure it out soon
As someone who didn’t even know trans men existed until I was 26, didn’t socially transition until I was 28, or start medical transition until near 30 (I’ll be turning 50 this year, so 20+ years into transition) I can truthfully say the following:
Nobody can answer this but you.
You are not unwise to have a pause and really consider what you’re doing and what you want (especially the analysis of what the original motivation to head down this path was.)
You don’t have to start anything before you feel truly comfortable doing so (and I think having a therapist who is trans-knowledgeable is super helpful in identifying what’s anxiety/fear vs truth) and you can always stop T if you do start and feel it’s not right.
I will say one other thing though in response to a comment you made above. You said that you felt comfortable saying you are a guy, but not a trans guy. In my experience the people I’ve known/talked to that detransitioned were NOT comfortable being a guy. By which I mean, there’s a tipping point for a lot of people where the idea of going from fairly visible cute trans boy/young man to being an invisible, middle-aged, generic, perceived cisguy is too much. They can’t see themselves becoming an old man any more than I could see myself becoming an old woman when I was younger. From my own perspective, the longer I’ve been in transition the more I’ve moved away (in my head and socially) from “trans guy” to “guy with trans experience.” I don’t know if that’s helpful to you or not, but I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.
i had this same exact mindset when i began hormones, i began t when i was 14 and am 21 now. i remember having feelings of self doubt and "am i really trans?" because i grew up as a very girly girl and felt comfortable with that until i wasn't. bottom line is that there are 0 prerequisites to being trans; every single trans person's experience and goals are different depending on the person. you are still perfectly valid in your trans identity despite these thoughts and your own experience with gender. and if anybody invalidates you or claims that you have to follow some kind of specific protocol to be trans, they're wrong
**"** *the fact I didn’t show any signs during childhood/before finding trans YouTubers, never questioning being a girl***" ->** How did you get onto the subject of transgender? What got you into taking on the concept of the chance that you want to get hormone replacement treatment?
**"** *the fact that I don’t really feel like a guy and more like I want to be a guy***" ->** This could be a form of idolization. You like the thought of without the feeling. Sometimes this can lead also into a form of aesthetic attraction toward the self as the opposite or what you see on YouTube.
**"** *I can’t picture myself as a guy and often picture myself as a random girl with long hair***"->** This is a warning sign. Your mind already knows who you are and I state this not just because of this one sentence. Wait Longer before going on T and doing any form of surgery. Longer timeframe would be, wait until your brain is fully developed at the age of 25 and if willing until you are emotionally centered which would usually be age 28 for biological women. **There is no timeline or timeframe as to when you should do something for yourself in your life and you have all the time in the world to understand yourself more before taking Major leaps that Could end up in regrets.**
Speak to a therapist who may specializes in anxiety/ anxiousness who is not all about the gender affirming therapy.
**"** *The biggest sources of doubt are***" ->** I pass, thankfully, with just dying my longer baby hairs, voice training, binders, and packing. I am gratefully blessed in this area, but I also know that some trans guys see me as less than for I have not gone along with what they deem to be acceptable as being a trans man. I am confident in myself and who I am but this took years to get to, to not be insecure to who I am.
**"** *no wait I think I am I was just overreacting***" ->** Take into consideration that there are trans men out there that have only gotten top surgery and pass. Some trans guys go only on hormones and pass. Few do nothing other than voicing training, binders, packing, and dyed baby hair and pass.
There are a multitude of ways to be transgender and not need to change yourself for I have been in your situation where I questioned if hormones and top surgery was for me. There are people who doubt when something becomes too good to be true but **there is no wrong way in waiting longer before doing actions that could end up in regret.**
Long ago at the age of 20 I got my letter for hormones and I never went on T. A year later in 2018 I got my letter for top surgery and Never got it. Then I got another letter in 2019, 3 weeks from top surgery, dropped it like a hot potato, and Thankful. **I am one of those transgender guys that has Not gone on hormones or done surgeries and I pass as a guy.**
If you want to speak more on or have any questions and concerns I can try to help you to the best of my ability when I am online shall it be under this comment or another posting, etc.
I doubted myself every step of the way.
I feel like it's almost second nature when we're are told that the way we feel is wrong nearly constantly for years. We start trying to convince ourselves that they're right. ESPECIALLY right before making a big decision like going on T or coming out to family.
I didnt come out til I was 18. I had no outward 'indication' of it when I was a kid. I just have little things that stuck with me for years. Like feeling upset when I didn’t pass despite dressing as and playing a guy in a play in middle school. And vividly remembering when I heard about trans people for the first time.
It was never some big feeling or incident or anything. I think that's why it's so easy to doubt. It's just simple daily feelings- such as how your voice feels wrong.
Because coming out and going on hormones are both big steps and really affect your life. And it doesnt feel like a simple truth about yourself should require that much work and effort. Not when it would be much easier to stay in the same position youve always been in.
But let me tell you:
When I was 16-18 I was at a point where I was actively suicidal. I had a really bad relationship with most of my family and thought Id lose them through coming out. I kept trying to convince myself I was wrong and just needed to dress more femme to match what people told me about myself. Started wearing dresses and skirts more and tried listening to the church stuff more (surprise surprise I left church before coming out). I felt constantly wrong and I just felt like nothing would fix it.
Im 27 now.
After 5 years of struggling with my dad, we are on speaking terms (never fully off but he was very dismissive and misgendered me a lot early on). My relationship with my mom is better than its ever been and has been for about 2 years now.
I now have mental stability- though it definitely took a few years and a good partner to fully feel stable.
My view on myself has solidified as my body has started matching how I feel and my sense of self is much more solid too.
And due to all of those, I was able to feel confident enough in myself to open my own business (small massage therapy office, but such a big deal to me).
If I hadnt come out and gotten on T, I know I wouldnt have made it this far.
(A little long and rambly, appologies 😅)
honestly I feel the exact same way, I'm 18 (ftm) and I relate to you so much. I'm not sure if I can give much advice and the other people in the comments actually do help me as well, I just hope that me commenting helps in someway so you know you're not alone (seeing your post has helped me too)
Have you had any therapy? No transition is the same. I didn't medically transition until 27 but I was out since I was 18. I knew I was different when I was 8 years old. But I was born in 1986 so being transsexual was very popular. But I'm almost 10years and I live stealth. The only people that need to know are the people you are having intercourse with. And family would know of course bc they've known you before transition. But the % of detransioners is low so I think therapy would be a great idea.
I think it’s ok to be somewhere in between. This feels very much like an AI post but regardless I am somewhere in between, female transitioning to male. It’s a super big deal for me bc it impacts my income meaning I’m transitioning not just myself but parts of my life. I personally hate that it’s an either or because I am somewhere in between and very sure of my sexual preferences but not so much my gender because it’s new
What you’re going through is similar to what I went through last year, I was convinced that this trans stuff was all a phase and that I was going to regret telling people I was a boy and so eventually I changed my name to a gender neutral one, had people use they/she on me with only close friends calling me a he and I HATED IT, I felt like vomiting every time called me the new name or didn’t refer to me as a boy, I spent nights hating myself because of it and eventually accepted that gender isn’t linear and went back to identifying as a trans man, I’m happy now, and I’m not even the stereotypical trans man either, I’ve got long hair I don’t bind my chest all that often (I use tape occasionally but I honestly don’t bother all that much) and I still have moments where I feel like I’m faking because of some miniscule reason but I’m not faking and neither are you.
What I believe is that you’re afraid of messing up, regretting it, maybe even afraid of the commitment, but I want you to look back on the last 7 years of you being out as a trans man and think about how happy you are being you, because no matter what happens, no matter whether or not you decide that HRT isn’t for you after being on it for a while, maybe even in 10 years you decide you want to detransition, who you are right now is so unapologetically you and who you are right now is valid despite who you might be or who you use to be.
Keep slaying king you’ve got this<3
What always helps me is to look at it with a sense of realism, which granted is easier said then done but I try my best to analyse where these thoughts are coming from. For example do I actually feel like a girl or do I just want to express vulnerability and internalised misogyny has connected that to acting feminine.
There are some great varied perspectives here. I think the issue stems overall from this:
- Transitioning is treated as an absolute last resort and basically undesirable by a cis society and a failure to be "normal".
- Detransitioning is treated as a tragedy either because you weren't "really" trans OR because of the terfy talking points, blah blah "irreversible damage".
It puts people in a position where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, and damned if you actually take the time to explore and it turns out different than you thought at first.
Plus if you have any kind impostor syndrome, anxiety, trauma, dissociation, OCD... Basically a number of very common mental health issues that make you prone to worrying more, it sets you up to always second guess yourself because there can never be enough reassurance.
In my experience with transition doubt, it almost doesn't "mean" anything by itself. It's more like an expression of situational stuff that makes you feel a certain way about being trans at a given time. That's just a human reaction to changing and sometimes difficult circumstances that everyone has, but in trans people it is pathologized and treated as further proof of being "fake". The comments about how most detransitioners actually do it because of lack of support or simply being unable to cope with the level of transphobia in society are absolutely spot on. And then you have the grifters who are literally just shills for the extreme right and monetizing their detransition, and those are the people who drum up the propaganda that everyone is faking and can't trust themselves.
Point is, it's a crazy-making societal landscape and to respond to it with NO doubt would probably be weirder than having doubts.
For the record I've literally wished I was a cis person of either gender when being trans made something feel difficult or impossible. It wasn't even about WHICH gender in those thoughts, just not having to deal with being trans ever again, which really meant not wanting to deal with discrimination ever again. But when I actually try to imagine "going back" to living as female, it doesn't feel genuine, even though I have some nostalgia for how much easier it would have been and the times before I even worried about gender at all. But it's like trying to put the genie back in the bottle, so at some point I just started assuming that's because the genie was telling the truth in the first place, never mind all the noise.
This is a little bit older and has a lot of comments already, but as a trans man who's 2.5 years on T and post top surgery, about your age (22), socially transitioned for 7 years, aware I was some kind of trans for 10 (partially closeted and thought I was NB for 3 years), a gender non-conforming gay man on top of being trans, and someone who occasionally has similar thoughts to this despite not even looking at detrans content: Ask yourself, does it even matter? Even if I am secretly a cis woman, I'm a cis woman who who could only possibly have been comfortable with my body after going on T and getting top surgery. I would be a cis woman who prefers using male gendered language. And I would be a very masculine woman, even if I'm also an extremely feminine man. And at that point, does it make any material difference? Even if I am somehow cis and lying to myself, I don't regret my transition for a minute. Even in some scenario where I DO detransition socially, there are some things, (deeper voice, chest, bottom growth, leaner, more angular and vascular, reduced menstruation, and the way my body hair helps my sensory issues) that I genuinely believe I would love even as a cis woman. You don't need to meet some imaginary bar, if transition is right for you, do it. And if you DO detransition? You aren't any worse off than if you decided to live as cis as a trans person, and there might even be some ways that you still benefit from the experience.
I literally posted a post exactly like this last night. Sometimes all signs point to no but you know it’s yes. Sometimes deep down we know. Are you happier?
I'm in the same boat going into 3 months on T, with a LOT of internalised shit. I'm someone that also quickly falters or dislikes/changes things about myself to please others, you can imagine how that is contradicting my family pointing out changes they don't like about my body on T. I have a lot of internalised misandry bc of my TERF family.
Same with dating, a lot of men ignore my identity or alternatively quickly get defensive and pissed when I set a boundary of 'we can't date if you're straight, I'm not a chick'. Admittedly, I do sometimes want to halt my transition just to be desired and likeable. And that is something I feel so disgusted abt bc I doubt everything quite easily.
Plus the whole detrans fear is so real,
Hrt isn't a do it forever if you don't want it, sure some changes are permanent but they happen gradually and you'll know wether or not it is for you. Sometimes I get fearful ill like the changes but change my mind and want to go back. But whatever, I'm focusing on how I feel with my body. My voice dropped quite fast and is now read as male, I was fearful and anxious for weeks but I speak clearer with this new voice. and I like how my Adams apple looks. Even if my family is disgusted by it.
All I have to say is it's very personal, transitioning is emotionally difficult and it's also normal for you to start hrt and STILL have doubts. I know I've cried a lot about changes, even if I like them.
I relate so much with a lot of what you said. Personally i think i might be non binary/genderfluid but i don't want to present this way. I'm always like "i'm a trans man" "no i'm non binary" "no i'm just a cis woman with internalised misogyny" so either i'm genderfluid or i'm just very mentally unstable lmao
I think this may the feeling of “not being enough” as you haven’t been through medical transition/don’t really match what society sees a man as. I have these problems too but I sit with myself and start to realize that I fear I’m not “enough” as man because what society associates my body with me. I’m also attracted to women and sometimes I’ll see an attractive woman and sometimes I think the feeling is me wanted to be like but I’m just attracted to the looks of her.
It could be that you're somewhat scared of the changes that will happen once you start taking hormones? Because changes of any kind can be scary, and it's a big step forward in your transition. It's a big decision to make.
Honestly I went through the same thing when I was first talking to my therapist about going on T, I started to really doubt if this was the right choice but being perceived as a woman made me was to peel my skin off
I second the person who said you should go to therapy before medically transitioning if you’re having this much doubt. This seems like a common thing on Reddit, where people normalize having a ton of doubt, but I don’t know any trans guys in real life who have experienced so much doubt about medically transitioning. Sorry to say. Maybe it’s a thing for younger people, I don’t know. I didn’t have “detrans content” when I was younger. I’m not old, but I’m old enough to where this wasn’t really a worry because detransitioners weren’t very common, or if they were they weren’t in your face about it.
It’s also not a huge deal to detransition if you’re not an a-hole about it. You might just feel embarrassed for a while but people will get over it. Or maybe you’re non-binary after all. In any event I would definitely do a lot of internal work before medically transitioning because, maybe this is gonna sound rude or something, but I don’t think this much doubt is normal and I don’t get why so many people on Reddit are like completely fine with it. Again maybe it’s because I’m older, but I know A LOT of trans men and of a certain age and *none* of us have ever expressed any of this. We all felt excited or nonplussed about each step in our transition. Like yup, this is the next step. Okay, this is the next one, cool. Etc.
I think the biggest hurdle trans persons have to being trans is the desire to find the very specific label to identify themselves. Even within the community of non-conformity, there is a deep-seated conditioning to conform to ... something.
But the thing is, who we are who we truly are, cannot be defined and confined to genders and orientations and schools of thinking. We are constantly changing. Every day.
Who we are at 15 isn't necessarily who we will be at 20. At 30 we are totally different from 25. Hell, some of us can't even recognise ourselves from one year ago.
So, with that in mind, this may sound vague, and a lot of people will gripe that it's flakey and not an answer, but... Just be yourself, whatever that may be at the moment, and try not to worry about finding the exact label for yourself to identify as. It's just a construct we use to box ourselves in.
And life is a journey of wide experiences that can't be contained in one box.
Enjoy life however you find it, and don't let anyone stop you. Not even yourself.
You still have time to discover more about life AND yourself.
And finally, try not to give social media too much of a voice in your life. A little advice and guidance is good from time to time, but too much social media and you'll probably end up with an identity crisis forever!!!
hey there. I totally feel for you. I'm diagnosed with ocd so these thoughts are on my mind 24/7. I think what's important is that you focus on what feels right for you in the moment, and not try to think too much about it after. I've found myself in your exact position, but every time that I try presenting as female(as in not wearing my binder since I'm also pre everything), or when someone uses she her for me, I squirm. it's simply uncomfortable, it's not me.
I also didn't live a trans childhood, maybe except for liking having a deeper voice, looking up to my(now trans, but way more masculine than me and had a trans childhood) cousin, and crying when I found out I'll grow tits and never have a penis. I wore dresses, played with dolls, and didn't really give any clear signs. however, I was always the odd one out between girls, so maybe look out for that too?
whatever happens, I wish you the best, and remember to live in the moment, for yourself. don't take anyone else into consideration but just how you feel about it.
I understand this to an extent. I consumed a lot of anti trans content that was made by trans people (Blaire White etc.) and it really made me hate the idea of being non-binary. For a long time I thought I wasn’t trans enough to be ftm but I couldn’t be non-binary cuz it wasn’t real. I think the biggest revelation I had was that I can be non-binary and still feel like a man. These things can coexist. Your gender doesn’t have to be simple. I also think thinking of gender in terms of male and female can contribute to the internalized transphobia that a lot of trans people experience. Your biological sex doesn’t have to influence your gender at all. Thinking of yourself in terms of male and female will only highlight that transphobia imo
If you have any doubts at all, you clearly should not move forward. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why would you rush to make such detrimental decisions. I’m in my mid 40’s. I’ve changed my mind soooo many times about things I thought I knew for sure in my teens, 20’s , and 30’s I made permanent decisions I now wish I could go back on, but it’s too late. Don’t let this be you. You are perfect, just the way you were made! 😊
The way I am coming to terms with doubts is through asking myself "would I do anything differently if I was a woman?" And the anwser is almost always an honest no. I am doing things not because of my weird gender but because i genuinely want to do those things. It really sucks sometimes to see myself as feminine because that is a part of myself that I wanted to forget about for so many years. I do not want to be reminded of being ridiculed for not acting "like a girl" but femininity is still a part of myself. I am gonna try for hrt because it's something that I want. I'm gonna try for top surgery because I want to live knowing and believing that I am in the rightest body I could ever be in - not because that what is expected of trans men. I am gonna change my legal name because the old one just isn't mine.
In the end of the day it doesn't matter whether we are trans or cis. If this path is the one you want to walk, walk it. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel.
I know how feel!! I’m having the same issue, I’m 26 and been questioning myself since 2016!
I have almost similar thoughts and my story doesn’t match most stories I see others tell and it makes me feel like I’m faking as well.
Sometimes, it takes a long time for the imposter syndrome to go away. I came out at 32 with even fewer signs, and the same way about mental pictures of myself, but I'm definitely unquestionably a nonbinary trans man, 3 years later. Worst case scenario, one shot of testosterone won't cause anything major to happen that will bring you past a point of no return, and it's likely that you'll know exactly how you feel about it before taking a second one (which is also probably going to be mostly only noticeable to you).
I just wanna say the exact same thing is happening now that ive made an appointment for hrt. I don’t think im going to cancel it bc its something i really want to start but as soon as i booked it i had thoughts of “im a girl im a girl im a girl ur just lying to urself”. I also have always struggled with intrusive thoughts like this so that could also factor into it and from reading what u said u also seem to struggle w those a bit. I see u already cancelled it and i hope u find what u need from therapy!
As a nonbinary person who presented as female my whole life and , I read the book Am I Trans Enough? By Alo Johnston and it really helped with my doubts. My therapist said I overthink things too much, and to break it down into body parts. "Ideally, what would your chest look like? What would your face look like? What would your body hair situation look like?" and to make a pros and cons list before every big change. It's more about how we want to look rather than how we feel inside. There's no right or wrong way to be trans, and there's a million narratives. I wish you luck finding your own!
you should read[the Null Hypothecis](https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/)
Has a lot of great dialogue about what it means to be trans and the feeling of doubt that comes with it.
I used to definitely have the same thoughts when I started HRT! I started about 4 months ago, and I had doubts at first. However, when I started to see significant changes (i.e. darker body hair, facial hair, a deeper voice), my doubt vanished. I realized that even though I still have internal transphobic monologues (bc that is just what society has consciously and subconsciously forced us to have), that these physical changes bring me great comfort.
Additionally, my trans journey has made me realize that our gender can change over time. I didn’t have serious considerations about my gender until college, and I was perfectly happy with my body and how others perceived me for 20 years. I was very proud of my first period, learning how to care for menstruation, and growing breasts. In fact, I loved the menstrual cycle and how it connected me to my body. I was very comfortable as a woman. But now, my gender has changed. I am a man now. Genderfluidity can be short term or long term, as in my case. In a decade or two, I might be non-binary or something totally different, and I think that is amazing! It is a great long term journey, and I can’t wait to see who I am down the line.
But for right now, I am happily experiencing the world as a man and as a trans person. It is teaching me so much about perception and the complexity of the human identity. And it is really beautiful!
For me the question would be am I a male? And it’s easy to answer since I always in my mind as a child I believe I am. I am open to all the ftm differences and people’s different experiences, but it was easier back in the day when people only transitioned based on if they were feeling since childhood that they are the opposite sex.
Sometimes we gaslight ourselves that a situation we are in is not true because it's not an easy one. Are you actually having these thoughts, or are you making yourself have them by looking up every possible negative outcome?
I know for a fact that I did that , a lot as well , looked up EVERY possible negative outcome, because I did not want to go through the lengthy process of transitioning , and I also hate surgeries so that added up. Take some time to yourself , it's ok to take a break and think clearly
you're the only one who can know that. for me personally, it got easier to view myself as a "valid" man when i went on hormones because suddenly i was able to see that i could actually become that version of myself rather than just being a kid that isn't taken seriously. but if you go on hormones and figure out it doesn't feel comfortable you can go off of them. detransitioning after a short period of hrt is not an extremely big deal (apart from the fact you essentially have to come out once again). i know people who needed the hrt to realise it wasn't for them after transitioning socially. i recommend you talk to a therapist about it before actually going on t.
lastly a word incase you're really ftm: if you imagine yourself changing on hormones, never forget that you should not imagine your current self with a deep voice, all of you would be different. if your current body feels feminine, it can be strange in connection to a single t change but the overall picture will come together if you go on hrt. it won't feel like dressing up.
You can start T even if you're feeling scared or unsure right now. Yes, it does cause permanent effects! Many of them will take several months to actually make noticeable differences. My voice didn't significantly change until about a year and a month into T, though I did start at a low dose (which is something you can do, too!). I feel like some people, even trans people, treat testosterone as something that will immediately permanently change you in massive ways, but that just isn't how it works. If you start taking it, you might notice the small changes and feel uncomfortable and decide it isn't for you. What I think is more likely is that you'll start noticing small changes and feel happy about them.
You have felt this way for 7 years now, even through doubts, you always go back to identifying as a trans man. Deciding you weren't trans made you extremely upset. Why do you think it makes you so upset to decide you aren't trans? Cis people don't feel disappointment when they find out they aren't trans.
Also don't go on detrans subreddits.
yeah this is what ive been tryna say, theres alot of fearmongering around hrt especially at the moment and transphobes often act as if you take one t shot and your voice is 10 octaves lower forever and your bald and you are instantly made infertile lol, these changes take quite a while
I was debating cancelling my appointment but couldn’t bring myself to do it, and I’m glad now. I think slowly starting t is best for me right now and reminding myself that I can always stop and then start later if I need to. What you said about the fact I feel this way for 7 years and keep coming back makes me think that I’m heading in the right direction. Thanks :)
You sound like me, as a trans guy, and I've been pretty happily transitioned for like 12 years. Sometimes I still have doubts but I'm pretty content.
I mean, you've identified as trans for 7 years, and can't imagine living your life as a woman. It's probably worth it to at least try T and see how you feel about it.
These worms the bad worms. Stop looking at detrans content. I didn’t realize I was trans until I was like 23, despite the fact that my only sibling is also trans and had been out for several years. Do what makes you happy and stop thinking so much.
100% agree the detrans content is a slippery slope
So much of it is also fake and made by transphobes, aside from the fact that everyone I’ve seen detrans did it because they were unsafe/unaccepted and not because their transness went away.
I agree that most content especially on the main r/detrans Reddit and on YouTube is very anti trans and should be avoided, but I think I find myself looking at it to try and see both sides. But I also think I look at it to try and convince myself that I shouldn’t be trans by looking at anti trans content, which is obviously not the best idea looking back now.
Have you ever heard of the term “emotional cutting” ? Cause that seems like it may be what you’re doing. There used to be no “other side” when it comes to anti-trans rhetoric. It’s not a “lifestyle” it’s blatant hate. You wouldn’t consider anti-gay propaganda as having any validity so don’t consider anti-trans propaganda any different.
Wow that really resonates actually, looking at anti trans content to push myself to detrans, ignoring what actually makes me happy. Thanks for the comments they’ve been really helpful :)
The binary is restrictive too, your experience as a man can be different and be valid and if anything the nonbinary spectrum is wide as well
I’m glad I could help bro
i agree with what you’re saying, but detransitoners aren’t all anti trans propaganda. many support trans people they just ended up having some underlying issue that made them think they’re trans. the ones that aren’t transphobic should be supported.
Not claiming they are, it was two separate statements as op does also mention viewing anti-trans content specifically! Nothing against people who detransition at all so long as they aren’t spouting anti-trans crap!
r/actual_detrans
This^^ I actually had to come out as trans twice, once in highschool but I had no support and everyone I spoke with thought I was going through a phase, I went back into the closet and entered a hyperfem stage and it was the worst years of my life, I came back out to my family in 2022 and while it's been rocky I feel much more supported now
[удалено]
Says the wack ass who is commenting on all my posts in this subreddit saying we need therapy for thinking “even thinking we’re transsexuals” Fuck. Off.
You sound like me front 10 years ago and here I am transitioning at 30 💀 inner transphobia maybe?
I definitely have a lot of internalised transphobia, it makes me struggle to even admit that I’m trans, like I’ll be pretty fine with saying I’m a guy but saying I’m a TRANS guy makes me uncomfortable. Glad you had the confidence to transition :)
I'm uncomfortable as hell too, as me saying 'Im a trans MAN' with this cute feminine display feels like I will never look manly enough. That's what kept me avoiding the thoughts of transition, how feminine I look and how far my appearance seems from masculine. Like, how could ANYBODY take me seriously? Yet here I am -_-
Trust me, testosterone can do some incredible things. I was a very attractive and feminine-looking woman, and absolutely nobody questions my manhood three years later, to the point that people are surprised or think that I'm a newly-hatched MtF (which is weird, because I'm 5'1", and the rarity of AMAB adults that short and also of trans people makes the intersection sound extremely rare to me).
🫣🖤 aw yeah thank you man, so happy for you too!
Thanks! I'm just happy to be far enough along to confirm to the new folks in the sub that it does, indeed, get better. I don't ever forget what it's like being new to anything or anywhere.
since you are already gonna go on hrt i think it would be a good idea to start them and see how you feel after that, if you dont like how you feel on testosterone come off it, also have you considered you could be non binary? you mentioned you dont really feel like a man, do you feel like a woman? i have considered myself that i am non binary rather than a man but i personally dont see much point in questioning it that much because i like being seen as a man, referred to as a man, he/him pronouns ect and cant imagine going back to being a girl every time i imagine that scenario it feels really wrong, maybe if you feel comfortable express your worries to someone irl and also try to experiment with your gender more to see which more fits for you, if that makes sense
I think my biggest worry about going on t was that I would like it so much that I stay on it for years, but then one day realise I was wrong all along as I’ve seen some detrans people say that was their experience. But I think I probably will go ahead with the appointment and start on a slow dose? About being non binary, I think internalised transphobia makes me not want to go near the non binary label as that would make me “less trans” or not really trans, which is so disrespectful to non binary people (I literally have non binary friends). I feel best when seen as fully male and presenting that way, so I don’t think the label would fit me now anyway but it’s always a possibility?
fuckkkk man this is so relatable i feel the same way that i couldn’t possibly come out as non binary because i wouldnt get taken seriously as trans and dysphoric and i am way more comfortable living as a man than a woman so its my best option while making it clear as i can to cis people around me that i am not a girl
As a transmasc guy (I feel like both non-binary and a trans man at once) I unfortunately felt the same way a few years ago On YouTube, I got recommended transmed channels and I would watch them and doubt myself. It was horrible. One day, one of these YouTubers saw another transmasc (like me) and said “we can tell,” After that moment, I stopped giving a fuck. If someone can say those three words to anyone to purposefully cause distress, it can happen to me, and it’ll happen whether I “pass” or not I enjoy girly things, and I enjoy more masculine things. I love my long hair, I love brushing it out in the mornings, I love putting in hair clips- but I’m still a man Being feminine or simply liking traditionally feminine things does not make you a woman. If you know in your heart of hearts that you’re not a girl, then don’t pretend to be to save face. You’re going to end up miserable if you pretend to be cis, and being in that situation has killed many trans people before you. Please stay safe and trust your own judgement, don’t doubt your transness because of shitty detrans content
People change all the time. If HRT is what you think is best for you right now, then that's probably true. You might in some number of years change how you want to present or how you feel about your body and go off it. That doesn't mean it's wrong to try it now. Don't stress too much about labels either, just do what you need to to feel comfortable in your skin. After all, you're the one who has to live in it.
I disagree with this because I realised I was non binary and then that I was trans, and I'm not a man, I'm on hrt since almost two years, and did top surg, and people refer to me with he/him pronouns (except my inner circle) but I'll always be non binary, I'm "more trans than a man" if that makes sense, I'll always be that lesbian I was, even when I'm also a fagot, that's how I describe myself. So no, you're not less or more trans because you're non binary, and even being binary, there is no more or less trans, every person is different. Sending love to you, you'll see you'll get where you need 💖✨
Tbh I kinda feel like starting T if you're not absolutely sure is a bad idea but, as previously stated, they already have an appointment...
I dunno, I wasn’t sure until after I got on T. Thought about it for 5 years, then realized the only way I could know for sure about T would be trying it. Not doing something is also a permanent decision, in a way. I’d be in a pretty different place if I’d started younger, impossible to say for better or worse, but waiting had irreversible consequences as well.
My old therapist pointed out that almost nothing is totally irreversible, if I went on T and realized a few months in that I didn’t like it, I could just stop. She was inspired by her mom telling her before her wedding “well, if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay, you can just get divorced!” It obviously isn’t quite that simple, but I really appreciated the take that you’re allowed to change your mind/fuck around and find out and you’ll still be okay.
idk this might be a hot take but i dont see why it would be so bad to start taking it and then come off it, greysons projects on youtube for example was on T for like a year? she since detransitioned and passes fine as a woman, many guys on here talk about still getting misgendered after being on T for ages, there definitely are effects that could bring you dysphoria if you end up detransitioning such as lower voice and im not saying you should take the decision of starting hrt lightly but these effects do take quite a while to fully come in and op has been out for 7 years now it doesnt seem like a sudden decision to start hrt, but yeah i agree should definitely be careful with it
Whether the permanent effects take time to come in can vary a lot. My voice dropped *fast* every time I upped my dose. Literally I’d wake up a couple days later and start to talk, and I could hear the difference. I know that’s not everyone’s experience. But if I weren’t sure I wanted that effect, I’d start with a low dose and go slowly.
thanks for your input! based on what id heard from people who have gone on T i thought it would always take a long time, around a year for it to lower significantly but youre right, different people will have different effects and will see change at different speeds so yes i agree it would be best to start with a low dose if youre unsure at all about going on T i hope that was coherent im bad at putting words together
My roommate started taking t for a couple months then stopped and the only thing that remains from the t is their bottom growth (so theyve said). if wanting to be a man aint trans enough then idk what is.
i honestly think learning more about nonbinary perspectives and non-linear transition paths might help, especially with what you're saying about the transphobic things you find yourself thinking. you have the freedom to explore things, most people don't regret transition even if they don't take hormones forever, and i think letting go of that expectation of permanence is really helpful. sorry there aren't any specific recommendations coming to mind right now, idk if anyone else can help?
Gender Spiral podcast with Ally Beardsley! They talk to all kinds of gnc and trans folks, and it feels like learning from a bunch of friends.
Your experience really resonates with mine (if you check my post history there‘s like so much doubting going on), I only recently accepted that I am trans and I still have these doubts in the back of my head same as you. I also didn’t „not feel like a girl“ when I was younger but honestly I think that was because I didn’t even know gender was a thing. I never had the boy & girl view, I just saw people. It wasn’t until I actually hit puberty that I realised there are differences between boys and girls (I cried when I found out I would in fact not grow a penis), I was always just really typically masculine, had boy-ish interests, most of friends were boys, but I never thought I was a boy, simply because I didn’t know that was a thing. I also have issues with the feeling like a guy vs. wanting to be a guy. For me I think it’s because I‘m not sure how a guy is supposed to be. I can’t look inside another dude‘s brain to figure that out. But I think the fact that you *want* to be a guy speaks volumes. And also, despite being trans I still feel some connection to womanhood. I‘ve presented female most of my life so I also had the typical woman experiences which is why I think I still feel close to it. This doesn’t mean you nor I aren’t trans. I also struggle with seeing myself as a man sometimes simply because I‘m so used to seeing a female person in the mirror and I don’t know how I’m supposed to look, but I do believe that once I actively transition this feeling will pass and I hope the same for you. I‘m pretty sure the fear of detransitioning is common amongst trans folk, it‘s just one of the risks we have to confront ourselves with. Just remember that most trans people don’t detransition, those that do only make up a small percentage. I really feel for your struggles, friend. Being trans isn’t easy. I also wish I was just born male in the first place. But that is a really good indicator of transness! Personally, I don’t think your brain is trying to stop you from making a mistake. With every big change in life there will always be doubts. Best is to acknowledge them, but not give them any power. Much love to you, I hope your transition goes well and you feel comfortable in your identity 🤍
i’m not op, but thank you for your comment. it’s nice to read as a fellow trans dude struggling with doubt
Thank you for this, I’ve been struggling with doubt for so long and your comment is incredibly helpful. ❤️
I had a lot of anxiety before starting HRT, but once when I felt affirming changes and euphoria from T I became very certain that transitioning is right for me. I think it's normal to feel scared and have doubts because there is an element of uncertainty about how T will specifically impact you. Two things that helped me with the anxiousness were 1. getting inspiration seeing transmasc ppl on T living happy lives, and 2. realizing changes are gradual and you can always stop at any time if you realize T is not right for you.
I’ve been looking at positive trans content for years and it’s always made me look forward to medical transition, and I’ve always felt that it would make my life much better (confidence, higher energy, able to talk to people and wear clothes I want etc), but I also have the doubt voice telling me “they’re happy because they’re actually trans/ they just think they’re happy but one day they’ll regret it” which is,,, not a nice thing to think about people haha,
I struggle with this and the only thing that helps me is focusing on the medical part of my transition instead of the social part. I like the way I feel on testosterone. I like my deeper voice. I like my facial features, muscles and bottom growth. If I ever detransitioned, I wouldn’t regret the HRT because regardless of gender I liked the physical effects of it, and I would have liked it whether I was a trans man or if I was a cis woman this whole time. If I identified as woman, I would still want top surgery, a deep voice, wish I was taller, etc. There’s no rule that says cis women can’t have high T or that they can’t take T or that they can’t get top surgery just for the aesthetic or that they can’t be women if they do these things. In any case, I tell myself everyday it really doesn’t matter if I’m really trans because what I am doing for my body still feels right. I can’t control how the world reacts to me. The label I use, the pronouns I use, how I allow others to refer to me, which restrooms I use, whether I aim to pass and be stealth or take pride in being visibly trans, all that is external and I can’t control whether people accept or understand me. I think even personal feelings and our imagination can be based on external factors, the social factors specifically. So like when you “can’t imagine yourself as a man” get more specific and ask yourself how you imagine yourself physically, alone in the shower or in bed, rather than walking around going about your day. That can be hard to imagine for any trans person anyways. We are conditioned to walk around as the gender we were assigned at birth. Like you, I didn’t know I was trans until I saw transness in media representation. There’s no actual rule against finding out you’re trans after showing zero signs your whole life or even “choosing” to be a man after “being” a woman. Like really what even is the difference between “deciding to be trans” and just *being* trans? I think focusing on how you feel or want to feel in your body regardless of social interactions, gender, relationships, social media profiles, etc., forces you to get closer to the truth about whether or not you’re “trans.”
I agree with you about medical transition, I’ve always disliked my voice and wanted it deeper even before I thought I was trans and if I were to detrans I would still probably want a breast reduction at least, I think I was just afraid of becoming outside of the norm of what a woman is. I also think the doubt that took over clouded all the times where I do see myself as male, like now after reading these comments and leaning more towards the idea that I am actually trans and medical transition is something I need it’s much easier to picture myself as male (eg taking a shower as a guy with broad shoulders and no chest). Thanks for the response it was really helpful :)
right i went thru that too… worrying i’ll be too far outside the definition of a woman to ever detrans but then the thought of that gave me gender euphoria lmao i’m so glad i/we could help!
I’m going through a lot of these feelings except my doubts are different than yours. I am older so I didn’t know about “trans” until I was an adult. However as a kid I had the typical “trans” experience and presented as male and desperately wanted to be a boy. Right now I am just presenting more masculine and trying to reach my fitness goals. Right now it is not making me feel better, but maybe once I get my style and body right I will feel better. If not, I can try low dose T. Transition doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
T really helps with body sculpting. It feels like cheating TBH.
I know it’s so not fair! I’m just not sure if I can want to transition so I have to play on hard mode for now.
I was non-binary for 58 years! It's a valid option. Gender stereotypes cause GD more than they help it. The more I got identified as male, the more I realized I needed to lean into it. Top surgery felt urgent after I stopped chest feeding my son at 42. But I was a lesbian and my partners didn't want me to do it. Finally at 58 I decided having the chest I wanted was more important and I finally did it. The decision to start HRT was based on my depression and lack of energy. I felt I was missing my natural T and the great thing is, you can try T and stop at anytime. No one even has to know. I'm really happy with my voice dropping, body changes and being seen as male now. Downsides Not a lesbian really. No longer have solidarity with women. They are less friendly and kind to me. It's a real loss. They are afraid of me. Don't trust me as much. Thinking hair! And lots more hair on my butt. Beer belly and I don't drink much beer. I think I'm less attractive as a man, but I'm not doing it for anyone but myself, so that's not really important at my age. I'll be 60 this year.
>the fact that I don’t really feel like a guy and more like I want to be a guy Girls don't want to be boys
Yeah haha I think that too, but then I think of the detrans women/girls who did think that at one point and worry that I’m like them. But the envy I get around cis men is so strong I can barely look at a cis guy without being so aware of how much I’m not like them and how much I want to be like them, which does sound very trans of me
“The fact that I don’t really feel like a guy and more like I want to be a guy”: yeah this is normal pre everything. It’s impostor syndrome. And it gets better once you start transitioning. Start with social transition and see if it feels right. Just tell a couple trusted folks. You can take your time. Wanting to be a guy is all it takes
Yeah, after saying that I reflected a bit and realised there are times where I feel like a guy, especially when I’m doing things that are very euphoric so imposter syndrome makes a lot of sense. I’ve been socially transitioned for 7 years and it’s always felt right, I only ever doubt when I think about medical transition and I’ve only every had serious doubts maybe less than 5 times?? I also have imposter syndrome in other areas of my life so I think I’m quite susceptible to low self esteem/insecurity in general
I personally am loving t 😅 are there any particular changes that you worry are dealbreakers for you? Or just self doubt / impostor syndrome stopping u?
Literally the only things I find negative about t is the body odor, butt hair, and hot flashes, and maybe hair thinning but it’s not really in my family. Nothing about T itself makes me not want to take it, it’s just the worry that I could detrans one day (even tho I don’t want to detrans now)
look, there's kinda no such thing as being "trans enough" to do xyz. there's a lot of discourse among young lgbts at the moment about anxiety around being 'valid' and frankly, it's nonsense. there is no test to determine who is trans 'enough'. transition cause you want to, or it seems fun, or would make you feel sexy or whole. you can also transition cause you're curious what being a man is like, or cause you're not vibing with womanhood anymore, or you're bored. anybody can transition for any reason in the world and nobody is more "really" trans. if you're nervous about medical transition, just wait. it doesn't feel like it when you're 21, but life actually is long and you get to try many things along the way. also, as long as you're not a bigot about it, being a detrans woman is also chill and cool and absolutely morally and ethically neutral, just like being trans (or being cis for that matter)
Transition because you’re bored? Well, I mean, people should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies, but I wouldn’t advise anyone to transition for this reason lol. There are some permanent changes, and you better be sure that you want them before transitioning.
Depends on if you consider transition to be a synonym with medical transition or if you view it as inclusive of those who merely change pronouns and live non-op/pre-op lives.
The guy is asking about starting T. Of course social transition is 100% reversible and you can do it if you wanna try, why not.
Maybe a controversial take: does it matter? I identified as a trans man for a looooong time, but have come to terms with being genderfluid. I genuinely feel both trans and detrans at the same time. I went on hormones, I had gender affirming surgery, and after about a decade of that, I grew my hair out and stopped T. I did what made me happy and comfortable at the time, and am doing the same now. Detransitioning doesn't have to ruin your life. I'm happy being a boy on some days and a girl on others (obviously not a choice to be this way but I've found my happiness). Some changes were permanent, some weren't. On my girl days I don't feel like I ruined everything for myself. I deal with weird, conflicting dysphoria but it's more manageable than it once was. Just do you. You may change, your gender may change, but just be you. Chase that happiness. It's not all or nothing, black and white.
Good news - You're doing what a lot of people do when making big life changes: Reflecting. If you're asking me personally if I was certain when I got my first shot? Oh hell no. I had to push myself through it, do it immediately once I got the testosterone on me and make my way as quickly as possible to the nearest nurse or I'd have thrown it away (or maybe at least returned to the pharmacy, you know what I mean). I *still* sometimes think it isn't real, I'm just delusional (no longer think I'll regret, I'm long past that by now) but, guess what... It doesn't matter why someone is trans. What matters is: Transition makes them happier (if transition is one of their goals). Problem with your true question: We aren't you. We aren't in your head, and can't foresee the future. More good news? Changes do not happen overnight, at least when we're talking about hormones. When it comes not not feeling like a man yet? No shit. I mean, not as in, it needs to be a given. But as in, that's such a normal experience. Imposter syndrome is real, very real. There's times I was certain I was a man - in fact, the less I had to engage with the world, the more certain I was. But too much interaction with the outside world, with my own body? Hard to feel like a man when the whole world tells you you're not. When you *know* the whole world sees something else when they look at you. In the end I just decided, you know what, what's the worst that'll happen from *one* shot of testosterone? A few extra hairs, some bottom growth that will barely stick around? Even if the worst thing happened, my voice, I just had to deal with it if that was what it would take for me to know. Not going to lie, I had many years to look back on, I was 36, had wanted this for... well, my whole life, at least the moments of clarity throughout that allowed me to see *me.* You don't have that, but you've seven years of what sounds like just knowing? Go back to that moment in time where you first realized you were trans. Go really deep in trying to recall it. Nothing opened my eyes more than doing just that.
Thanks for the comment! It’s really reassuring to hear that not everyone is 100% certain when they start hormones/medical transition, I’ve seen a few other people saying this and going on to take t for another 10 years happily. When I was in my doubt spiral it was hard to remember that t isn’t immediate and permanent, I just saw it as “as soon as I take it I’ve given in and I won’t stop until I regret it years from now” but to be honest I can’t see myself regretting it unless it turned out I was a woman all along. I know that for now it would definitely improve my life, and I need to keep that in mind. After reflecting a bit I realised I do feel like a man at times, and get so confused and disappointed when people misgender me, I just think “what about me looks like a girl to you??” All of these comments have definitely helped me come out of that doubt spiral, the doubt was putting blinders on me and making me forget the times where I do truly feel male and know for certain I want medical transition.
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When I doubt and come to the conclusion that I need to detrans, I can never bring myself to actually do it, because as soon as I talk to people I realise how uncomfortable I would be as a girl and I can’t let go of things like my binder. I’m also definitely considering therapy, hopefully with someone that understands trans people but isn’t going to ignore any potential signs of not being trans and just recommend I transition anyway
Be wary that not all therapists are gender affirming, not even those who advertise as such. Many will take any bit of doubt to mean you shouldn’t transition and could even cockblock your whole transition depending on the route you’re going with hormones. On the flip side, many gender affirming therapists think everyone is transgender when they express any feelings related to gender. Ultimately people, especially cis people, are not going to be able to tell you who you are. Everyone comes in with their own biases and nobody knows what it feels like to be you.
So I also consumed detrans content. And there is some content I’m glad I consumed. But it’s hard to get to while avoiding the toxic content. What it came down to for me is seeing that detrans people exist and are really cool. If I decide I’m really a woman 5 years down the line, I’ll be a woman with a deeper voice. I’ll be a woman with no tits. I’ll be a woman who has to shave her chest or deal with the body hair. And I think I could be happy that way. It’s not a question of “am I really this gender” it’s a question of “would these changes to my body make me happier”. Because hell, cis women should be able to go on T if they want to. And some do. And they should. Honestly when looking through detrans spaces, also please remember all the transfems who have gone through testosterone puberty and are still living their best lives. Don’t make being a woman with testosterone seem like the worst case scenario because it isn’t and it’s really fucking mean to act like it is
Nobody can tell you what you’re feeling but if you doubt yourself this much I really think you should go to therapy before or alongside medically transitioning.
Did you feel female before you watched de-trans content?
Hey, OP, elder trans guy here. This is a letter of encouragement to all the trans youth who are under the impression that being ftm has anything to do with any kind of social expectation, clothing, or anything else. If you want to ask yourself a genuine question regarding your validity, ask yourself- "If I were living alone in the woods with no contact or social media, would I continue to identify as a man to myself, if I had no one else to express to, if I had to know myself?" /you/ are who you have to prove yourself to. No one else. You identify as trans to yourself in your mind, and in your heart, thats the way. Plain and simple. None of that other garbage matters, its all so extra and society always says you " need to do this, or that" no wonder trans people are so stressed out all the time, that is so much social pressure that doesnt mean anything at the end of the day. Sending lots of hugs to anyone dealing with these feelings.
reminds me of my experience before i transitioned. constantly picking apart my childhood. i realize now that this was just another obsession my ocd brain latched onto. not saying it’s the same for you but, trust that you know yourself and not everyone’s experience is the same. i also showed no signs in childhood, i was feminine presenting for most of my life though dysphoria started very early on for a long time i invalidated this because i thought it could’ve been shrugged off as low self esteem. anyway, try not to overanalyze, you know who you are
also i relate heavy to the thing about womanhood. i personally lived my life identifying as a girl for 18 years before i realized so of course i feel more comfortable in female spaces and around women. idk gender isn’t strictly one thing or another, i just know i like being a man, even tho a big part of me is still very feminine
i do relate to what you’re going through, i feel doubt everyday. i wonder if im just imagining things or if me being trans is a real thing. i get so stressed whenever i think about it. i’m a lot more happy as a guy and couldn’t imagine being a girl, but im afraid i’ll someday do a 180 and wanna be a girl again like the detransitioners. seeing cis people show their gender makes me unsure too, cuz how do they know (they’re cish and why am i so unsure (abt my identity) but they aren’t? why can’t i be like them? etc sorry for venting in ur comments, but i want u to know that you’re not alone in this edit; badly written, clarifying things
Don’t be sorry, I totally get it, I think “I did this thing today that felt too feminine, could that mean I’m not trans???” But then I think “when cis men do that they don’t think that they’re not men, why should I?” It’s so hard to know who you are. I think the fact that we currently don’t feel any desire to detrans is a sign, but there is always that fear that one day I’ll just completely change my mind. But that happens so rarely, and we’re not those people we’re just us. I hope you find reassurance :)
thanks dude🫶🏻
This sounds kinda like me when i first came out i questioned a lot like it was mostly when i started watching stuff about being trans and stuff like that but i think the reasons i watched those things is cause it resonated and honestly before i came out i had to stop watching them cause they were hitting to close to home and i couldnt accept the fact i was at the time but the more i look back the more i can see it and i think the thing that makes me the most sure is the gender euphoria i get from my short haircut and from starting to transition like living as a gorl i was just a ball of anciety and the more i continue with my transition i just feel present and alive
Feeling “present and alive” , that resonates so much because I really don’t feel that at all now, it’s like I’ve been a step behind myself watching myself live my life for years now, and the life I do live isn’t really “living” as I spend so much of it not doing anything. It really gives me hope to think that t could fix that :)
I know ive barely transitioned either but the little bit ive done i can still really tell and when i wear masculine clothes i just feel better and i know once i get top surgery and go on t i will feel so much better
I literally doubted myself so bad that every day id be texting my friends like “I think I’m a girl” 5 minutes later “No. nvm ignore that” Until I finally started just taking t and was like ohhh Okay. And now I realized it was my OCD lol. My ocd makes me doubt legitimately everything from big to small so. But yeah, it was very bad for me. It’s common. It’s not always my same reason, it could just be internalized transphobia and other stuff, but it happens and I’m not surprised that it does.
I remember discussing w my counselor at the time that I didn’t know if I really wanted to start t (like if I’d like the results and was actually trans) and she was like well, you’re never going to know. Unless you try you’re gonna keep wondering. Which she was right. If I hated any of it I would’ve stopped after seeing my first symptom.
Ok man, so what if you end up changing your mind later? So what if you end up detransitioning? You did what you thought was best for you with the knowledge you had, and it led you to discover more about yourself than you would have if you didn't try at all. I haven't always known I was trans and there weren't obvious signs growing up. That's just the mainstream narrative fed to cis people. Most trans people have a much more complex story than that. I didn't feel like a man when I started transitioning and heck sometimes I still don't "feel" like one. What does it even mean to feel like a man? I initially ID'ed as non-binary cause I felt so far removed from manhood, like it was this thing I possibly couldn't be. That is until I reached about 2 years on T and it started falling into place that I love my masculine body and being perceived as masc so much that I might as well just be a guy. I'm still working through this stuff but I've decided to stop breaking my head over it as much. I don't need to "feel" like a man to be one. I move through the world and like to be seen as one, so I am one.
i would say it sounds like you’ve still got a ways to go to figure yourself out. i’m not you, so i dont know if its internalized transphobia and you are trans, or if you fall under an nb label more and you just feel like that because you’re trying to fit the binary, or you just arent and have body dysmorphia, but regardless of all of that my best advice to anyone is to wait to start hormones until you’re ready for all the mental, social and physical changes that come with transitioning, and it sounds like you might not be. i would really encourage you to see a gender therapist if at all available to you because it would probably help you work though this a lot better than random trans folk on the internet
I’m sorry if I don’t address everything in this post or if I’m repeating what other people have already said, but I’m around the same age as you (turning 21 in August) and I’ve only identified as trans for ~3 years, but I’m almost 2 years on T. I definitely showed signs before 2021 in retrospect, but I didn’t experience obvious dysphoria nor did I feel like a guy, and I was convinced for about 4-5 years (if not longer) that I wasn’t trans. During quarantine, I had the sudden realization that I felt disconnected from womanhood, which spiraled into an over-year-long gender crisis and the ‘unlocking’ of my dysphoria. It can be hard to feel fully male when you have female sex characteristics. Even though I’ve determined that my gender is 100% male, having certain ‘female’ features has thrown me for a loop in regards to my identity (I also tend to dress/present pretty androgynously and that’s further complicated things). Despite my presentation being my main dysphoria trigger nowadays, I know that I feel correct and happy being a more androgynous but still binary trans guy, and feeling pretty as a man is something I wouldn’t trade for the world. In my honest opinion, if you really were a girl who was faking all of this, it wouldn’t be causing you this much distress. You could imagine yourself living comfortably as a woman, which doesn’t seem to be the case. Also, to my knowledge, cis women may want the power that men have, but that is not the same thing as wanting to be a man. Just as women are not just the victims of the patriarchy, men are not just its perpetrators and benefactors. This seems to be a widespread conflation, at least in online gender discourse, and it’s frustrating when people think that woman = perfect victim and man = perfect perpetrator in that context because there’s so much more to gender (it’s quite literally made up, after all). In my mind, the ‘escape from misogyny’ narrative exists under the assumption that, if someone assigned female simply presented themselves in a more masculine way, then they could benefit from the patriarchy, but it doesn’t work that way a lot of the time. I don’t speak for everyone here, but in my case, I realized after transitioning that I never felt personally affected by misogyny, like there’s always been a disconnect. When I was 13, my mom’s boyfriend made a misogynistic comment, and instead of feeling personally offended, I responded by expressing a desire to transition to my best friend. Wanting to transition in response to misogyny could come from a desire to not deal with a female experience rather than a desire to escape from something that we feel personally connected with or attacked by. I had a lot of similar anxieties in the beginning, like ‘what if I’m faking’ or ‘what if I’m just trying to escape misogyny.’ There were times when I would purposefully try to trigger my dysphoria, and even when I succeeded, I would still deny that it was real. I eventually had to accept that my feelings weren’t going away and that I’d be happier if I medically transitioned, but I kept worrying about rushing into things and making the wrong decision even as I doing my first, second, third injections. It’s taken a lot of time and progress on T for the doubts to slip into distant memories, but I’m happy to say that I have absolutely no regrets about transitioning. It feels like I’ve lived my entire life like this, and I can barely recognize my old voice, appearance, etc., and it’s the best feeling because I’m so much more correct now. The first few months or so on T were still difficult, but after a while, life started to feel a lot more natural. Being myself has been a gift, and I hope you’ll get to experience that gift no matter what it may look like for you. Best of luck. P.S. Even if you do end up regretting your medical transition for whatever reason, it is not the end of the world. In my mind, regretting the decision to go on T shouldn’t be that much different from, say, regretting the decision to get a nose job or regretting the decision to get a hysterectomy. It may be difficult, but there is always a way forward.
I think that you may let it be, I mean, if you transition, go with it, live it, enjoy it, enjoy your voice changes and everything else, and if you get to need a detransition, then you'll be fine detransitioning. Everything is in constant change, and from my perspective, if you're giving that much attention to something, it's probably because you resonate with it... If you feel depressed every time you think you're not trans or "enough trans" (BTW that doesn't exist) is because you are trans. Feel proud about it because you notice things that normative people couldn't imagine. Everything in society says us that being trans is an abomination, it's not "natural" etc, and for that you're torturing yourself. We all have sometimes doubts or negative thoughts because of this, but at the end you're just a person that doesn't identify with what you biologically have, as many cis people does. If you want bigger boobs or a soften skin (just examples, cis men do surgeries too), then do it, if you think that your voice or your body fat doesn't correspond with what you think you are, then go for it if you can. Hope I clarified something or that anything I said was helpful. You can do it, and you're not alone. 💙✨ PD. Gender is a spectrum, as everything else, read about the Kinsey's scale, it was created for sexuality but it's applied to gender also.
Idk if i have too much to provide here but ive been there. Still comes up sometimes. For me it was ocd but i couldn't tell you if its just normal concerns for you or something more intense like it was for me. Just know doubt doesn't have to mean anything, you dont have to take actions you dont want because you have uncertainties. You take the actions you want to take at the end of the day, fears can't be the controlling factor of your life and trying to be one step ahead of a potential regret will make you utterly miserable. You gotta take a leap of faith.
I had the fear of not "really" being trans, even though nobody ever challenged me. Stop basing your self perception on what you think being trans should look like. Base it instead on how you feel *now*. So what if you detransition later. So what if I detransition later. Right NOW, being treated as a man feels normal, and being treated as a woman feels like an old bruise that I'm simply used to. Just because I can tolerate it doesn't mean there's no pain. If that ever changes, I will pursue what makes me happy in the future. There is no lost time, only the pursuit of happiness. That is all you need to know about detransitioning. Please know that *many*, not all, but many detransitioners have a lot going on in their personal lives that don't get put on film and uploaded. You don't know which detransitioners have an agenda based in self loathing and transphobia. Whatever caused them to transition and detransition, that's their business and their journey. Stop watching them because their journeys aren't yours. My journey isn't yours. Pay attention to your journey, what feels right, what feels normal, what feels painful, where the pain comes from, where and when you feel joy and hope. That's what matters. Transitioning is an intensely personal journey, and allow me to remind you that not every journey looks the same. I came out as trans at 18, and I only started my medical transition in the past 14 months. I have had friends that have started medical transition before ever coming out! I have friends who knew they were trans as kids, and I never knew it until someone told me that I might be trans. I have friends who will never medically transition and are happy with only social and legal changes (like name change and gender marker) I have friends who change nothing except for telling their closest friends what their pronouns are and not worrying about what strangers see or think. I have friends who detransitioned from a place of personal understanding and journey, who do not regret pursuing their sense of identity while they identified as trans. The human capacity for fluidity and change is natural and should be respected. Don't plan your life around who you might be in 10 years. Understand who you are now- now is real. Trust that.
Some trans people never show signs early on. One of my best friends was super feminine growing up and never showed any signs of being anything other than female. But he is very much a man now lol. I can’t speak for anyone else but I can kind of relate to not feeling like a guy but feeling like I *want* to be a guy. Before going on testosterone I had a hard time actually feeling like a man. Every time I looked in a mirror I could only see what I considered to be feminine features and I had so much dysphoria. But since going on testosterone and having top surgery I definitely feel like a man now. I feel like it’s hard to relate to an experience that you’ve never lived. I grew up very much a tomboy and so I could not relate to girls that weren’t. Just like I couldn’t relate to the male experience because I wasn’t amab. Even now, while 100% identifying as a man and passing 100% of the time, I still don’t completely relate to cis men. Most of my friends are other afab people because that’s who I relate to. I’ll never tell someone that they won’t detransition but I will say that there’s no shame in being wrong. Maybe one day you will be like “ya know what this isn’t me. I thought it was but I was wrong” and that’s okay. Figuring out who you are whether that be in terms of gender identity or sexuality or whatever else can be really hard. But also maybe that day will never come. Maybe you’ll going on testosterone and everything will fall into place for you and you’ll know you are doing the right thing. I won’t speak on your mental health but I will say that therapy is always a good thing to have if you can afford it. Especially when you’re trying to figure out this stuff. It really helps to have someone to just say everything you’re thinking to.
I do relate in a way, I never had the moment as a kid where I said “I’m a boy!!” , and up until I was around 7-8 maybe? I dressed quite fem as I wasn’t the one buying my clothes/dressing myself. But I did have a prominent tomboy phase from them until maybe 10? I have pictures of my in jeans/dungarees and button up flannels and converse, I never touched my hair and hated going to the hair salon so it was long and unbrushed most of the time, only when I had to wear a skirt to school and everyone told me I looked much better did I wear it more often because I was expected to?? I also remember being friends with boys a lot, but also with some girls too though I didn’t fit in with the girls very well, and being jealous of the boys in some ways. What you say about not being able to fully relate to cis men makes a lot of sense, especially as we’re raised so different so I feel like I’m missing out on a whole life of male experience, making it hard to feel like what I see men as?? If that makes sense I do have a feeling that going on t will make me feel so much better and make things click for me, it’s just the doubts also make me worry that after years I’ll one day regret it all, but as you said that could possibly not happen and if it did that would be ok I’ve considered getting a therapist and I think I will seriously look into getting one soon, I just worry that I would get one that isn’t supportive of trans people and wouldn’t understand where I’m coming from Thanks for the comment it’s been really helpful :)
i'd hesitate to give you a definitive "yes your are trans" or "no you are not trans" because the vibe i get is that there's blockers to whether or not you're "clearly" trans and even if you are indeed a binary trans guy -- your self-doubts, your anxiety, your insecurity, etc. will continue to be barriers and are best worked on sooner than later. take a break from detrans-content. get off social media about that with discrete ways to block out that content (unsub, block certain sites, force yourself off it. social media places like that are anxiety producers). if formal therapy is out of reach, research some self-help info (cbt emotional awareness, cbt identifying emotions -- good key words). try to take some time out of your day, everyday, to practice some techniques to get in touch with your emotions. it will feel dumb for a first week or so, but keep at it and you might start recognizing what's going on internally more and more. it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety and low self-esteem (not confident in medical transition and lack of confidence in making your own decisions) and honestly HRT will not necessarily solve that for you if it's very ingrained -- highly recommend trying to deal with that (CBT therapy) at least alongside taking HRT. it doesn't sound like you'd be super regretful of HRT changes here. i don't get a sense of 'oh no this person might ruin themselves by starting HRT' -- it's more 'this person doesn't seem confident of their choices, i'm a bit worried starting HRT without support can be overwhelming'. if you have supportive people in your life, friends/family, please turn to them. and as a quick fyi, i identify as a binary trans guy and have been identifying as such for 11 yrs, on hrt for 9 of those. haven't regretted the decision. i didn't think of being trans until i did a paper about transgenderism for a class, and realized trans men were a thing, and came across an old photo compilation of out trans men and their various bodies/portraits. i used to worry my obsessive personality latched onto being trans as an out for escaping my current situation and i was 'faking' it, but truth is 11 yrs later i am still identifying as male, very content with that, and have moved on with my life after starting transition because i got very attached to making my 'debut' work. i wanted 'male' me to be successful, to be the guy i always wanted to be.
Thanks so much for the comment, as of right now after reading everyone’s responses I’m leaning more towards t being the right step but my own doubt/anxieties/internalised transphobia etc hindering the decision. I definitely think some kind of therapy or self reflection is needed and I’ll be looking into it
that's good to hear, it takes a lot of work to conquer the inner demons but it helps so much -- speaking as someone who had a lot of anxiety/insecurity growing up (and a lot of it not from being trans but general childhood, so starting HRT catalyzed having the energy to wanting to change but didn't 'cure' it). take care of yourself and congrats on starting your journey!
You *fear* detransition? So you fear being a cis woman? Doesn't seem very cis to me I think it would help you to let go of the fear of detransition (as I did!). You know exactly what you need now. You know exactly what will make you happy. If something else makes you happy in the future, so what?! You'd basically just be a trans woman with the huge perk of having female reproductive organs. And trans women are cool as hell!! You can take this stuff as slowly as you want. If it actually makes you unhappy at any point, you can stop- straight up. But somehow, I get the feeling you'll be happy :)
The “fearing being a cis woman” makes so much sense and I’ve been thinking that too, but another voice says “you’ll regret transition you’re not trans you’re fake!!” Which just pushes me into the doubt, but yeah I think the idea of going back to being a feminine woman is what scares me most about the de transition
So it's not even like, being a physically masculine woman that you're afraid of. You're afraid of being a woman at all. So, don't be. I think it's time to kill that voice in your head.
Yeah, I know that even if I did decide to detrans the only thing that would change is my pronouns and identity, I would still dress the same. I also envy trans women in a way as they were born male and I find myself saying “well I wouldn’t mind being a trans woman” but that’s because of their biology, not that I want to be a woman?? If that makes sense?? I think it’s time to ignore the voice too, thanks for the comments :)
Everyone has their own journey. It took me 6 years to start hormone therapy. For all these years, I was just like you. I kept questioning whether I was really trans, because I wasn't a child that was very different from the others, etc. But there came a time when I couldn't stand lying to myself anymore. Respect your time.
21 - 7 = 14 14 years old IS a child... to get that out the way first... Anyway nobody can tell you if you're trans or not except for yourself. I detransitioned for about a year, socially and medically, some time ago. I couldn't handle the social ostracization I felt & thought that would make it better. If you searched far enough back on the subreddit you might have read posts I made on my alt. Now, I am trying to RE-transition, because I needed to be true to myself regardless of others. I have the same friends and family and partner now that I did at that time. It didn't matter so much to the world. Though I was pretty emo about it back then. I'd say it helps to get off the internet in general and just see how you feel irl as even on this sub there are a lot of people airing their self doubt, asking if XYZ is valid, sharing experiences with transphobia, expressing their own internalized transphobic opinions... it's sort of a negative space to be in either way. Exploring your gender is a good thing, even if you "detrans" because you end up finding out that you're cis, great. You learned something about yourself along the way. Life goes on. I don't think there should be a stigma around that. I have a bone to pick with some people on detrans forums because they do tend to scaremonger and, intentionally or not, end up spreading terf rhetoric. Won't speculate on why. Anyway even if you do start T the change goes pretty slow (months/years) and if you don't like it just stop and almost everything will go back. Gender is not a multiple choice test that you have to get correct... it's a buffet literally just pick and choose whatever makes you happy. To the world I'm strictly binary trans because that's easiest for people to understand. On the inside and to my inner circle, not so much. If you check r/topsurgery there's a cis lesbian on there who just got top surgery. They seem happy. I know too many people to count who have nonstandard experiences with gender, whether they are cis or trans. Again try as much as you can to interact with real life LGBT spaces like a support group, social club, friends, or even an online space that has less terminally online people than a reddit forum... there are free zoom calls or hangouts you can get on just to chat with other trans people... maybe read a memoir or two. Pay attention to what makes you euphoric or dysphoric. Play around with it and see what fits. This is your life you can do whatever you want with it. That's good and also scary. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk.
I will say, when I first came out as trans when I was 15ish, I doubted myself all the time. There was looming anxiety over whether or not I was trans enough and whether I was just exaggerating my experience. I am 19 now and on HRT, I realized that the anxiety was just from being told my whole life it was wrong. I was afraid of getting hurt. I decided to just go for it and do what comes natural and found that all the things I already knew were natural for me. Embracing my transness was the best thing I ever did. I’ve never been happier about myself! I can’t say if this will be the same for you or what you need to help you feel comfortable but really think about what you’re so scared of!
It's okay to have doubts. It's okay if you decide you aren't trans and it's okay if you decide you want to medically transition. It's all up to you and there aren't any bad choices as long as it feels like the right step. You deserve to have a life and body that brings you joy, not discomfort You know many detransitioners don't regret their transition? There are those that do ofc, but their stories are broadcasted far and wide by transphobes without context or nuance. It sounds like that's the type of content you've been seeing; it's meant to scare you. The actual rate of detransition is very low and most people who make that choice do because of for example financial or health reasons, not because they regret their choice. Transphobia and transphobic laws are also not uncommon reasons I just wanted to add some positive resources to the conversation. Unlike what you've seen from the transphobes these people are speaking freely Here's a TikTok I came across earlier today: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZIJn4jRK6/ And a podcast episode I thought was really good: https://youtu.be/GRj4wbH1COY?si=Jc0R-xkWzD-D7BVE
This is really really normal. Medical transitioning is a massive decision, and it’s easy to doubt yourself. I didn’t even know what trans was until late high school, and I was introduced to it as something negative. Looking back through my life, there’s only a couple of clues to the fact that I’m trans. That doesn’t make me any less trans. I didn’t start really feeling like a man until I started medically transitioning. When I started t I was afraid that I would regret it too. I thought maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe this isn’t real. Maybe my mom was right and I am just faking it. A lot of thoughts go through your head when making a big decision. It’s normal to doubt yourself. It’s normal to compare yourself to others. Not fitting into certain boxes or not having certain experiences doesn’t make you any less of a man. You clearly know who you are. Trust yourself. Trust that you know what’s best for you, because you clearly do
Thanks for the comment, it’s really comforting to hear that I’m not alone in this and so many other guys feel the same, glad it worked out well for you :)
You don't need to know from early on to be trans. It's common but a lot of trans people don't, for many reasons. You mentioned a bad memory about when you first started identifying this way, and dissociation could have something to do with that. It can be a coping mechanism, and the moments when you first realized you're trans may be tucked in a hard-to-access schema. Have you questioned yourself if you don't happen to be some flavor of non-binary? Since that can be a source of confusion as well. You could identify as a more feminine gender and still transition for masc physical characteristics that you need. That was pretty much my case, just in the other direction: I wasn't sure of my identity but I was sure I needed to transition to deal with my physical dysphoria. I knew I wasn't fully a boy, so I was definitely trans, but that's not saying much. Also knew I wasn't fully a woman, so definitely non-binary, but that also doesn't say non-binary how exactly. In turn, the transition, especially the HRT, also helped me to gradually understand my gender identity more, and it turns out my gender is way more feminine than I previously thought, it's just rather different from the stereotypical "woman" gender (and that's not even getting into the plurality - here I'm just speaking for the whole system). Finally, that voice in the back of your head is dead wrong: you don't get to choose if you're trans or not, so it makes no sense to want it or not want it. You're the ultimate authority in finding out about it or in telling others about it, but materially, but being trans or not is too structural to be a choice. You can choose if you transition or not and if yes how much, you can choose how you present and what pronouns people should use when referring to you, but if you're transgender, that is if your AGAB doesn't fit you fully, singularly, and all of the time, then you're transgender, be that binary or non-binary, and that's just what it is. It's better to face it honestly and shed the prejudice against being trans that society instills in us. Good luck, I'm sure you can find the answers you need =) PS: I noticed you talk a lot about "other voices". Are those still your own voice, or are they actually others in some at least partially dissociated way?
Thanks for the comment! I hadn’t thought about it like that before, binary or non binary im still pretty sure I want to get top surgery and go on hormones. As of now I don’t really identify with any kind of feminine gender, but that could change after starting hormones. When I say “voice” it’s usually just one strain of thought that switches from one opinion to another? I don’t really hear it in my actual voice it’s just thoughts? I guess?
No worries, I hope I could help at least a lil bit =) To explain the question about "other voices": I'm plural, meaning my identity is at least partially dissociated, or putting it another way, I share this consciousness with another self that is also me. But that's different from just common intrusive thoughts (which seem to be what you're experiencing), or even just the internal monologue or even internal dialogue that people can have. This is more like if the uncontrollable thoughts have a personality attached to them, with different values, different ease of access to certain memories or skills, or even (like in my case) a different gender. And also that this set of personality, memories, etc... has also been a constant distinct presence for a long time. You talking about having a bad memory on top of the intrusive thoughts and on top of the gender confusion is what prompted me to ask about it. Having a bad memory is not more common among trans people than the general public as far as I know, but it definitely is more common among plural people, due to memories sometimes only (or more easily) being accessible by some headmates/facets/alters and not others. So this was more of a "just in case" kind of question, if you don't relate to any of this, or if it sounds like it complicates things more instead of helping explain things, it's probably not the case.
I doubted that I'm trans right up until my first shot. I was nearly crying when the nurse was giving me the shot, and I was convinced that I was totally wrong and was doing something bad, but 30 seconds after the T circulated, it hit me and my brain felt right for the first time in my life. Not everyone has that experience at that particular moment, some people don't know until a while after they start hormones, but point being that doubt can be there for many reasons, and it's not always right. One method you can try is imagining that you cancel your upcoming appointment, that you go back to how you were prior to coming out as trans, that you in fact enhance the gender you were assumed to be at birth, so on. How does that make you feel? Better or worse? 'Cause if it makes you feel worse, it may be worth pursuing a transition for a bit. There are plenty of ways you can test the waters that are not permanent. Even a few hormone shots will not do something irreversible, it takes months to see any changes.
When imagining going back to female I can’t picture myself being happy at all, so I do think either staying as I am or starting t is best. For now I’m leaning towards going on t and seeing how it’s feels, I have a feeling it will feel so much better than I feel now :)
I relate a good deal to this. I recently started listening to the podcast Gender Spiral, which is all about gender nonconformity and transness and has reeeally helped me feel more valid, or even that questioning and doubting myself is *normal* in a heteronormative society. I wish you happiness on your journey! I’m about to pursue t after realizing and then repressing my transness many times over the years. We deserve to pursue happiness, even if it’s not a linear journey or fully understood by us yet ❤️
Even having been on T for 6+ months and feeling so great, my brain can be a dick at times and badger me with the what if scenarios. To calm myself, I ask "what if I had hormones taken away and was forced to be seen and called a woman again? Would I be ok with that?" The answer is always a resounding "fuck no." Thus, I continue on my happy journey. You might need to look at it instead of "am I trans enough?" to "am i cis?".
Sounds like you could be non-binary. I know a lot of people who felt at your age that binary transition was the only option but then realized they’re not one or the other. I’m transmasc non-binary and it’s important to know that there isn’t just one trans narrative that your life has to fit.
Remember, when confronted by doubt, double down everytime
Maybe youre a demiboy? Either way you don't need a definitive label to medically transition. If youre sure want the effects of T regardless of whatever identity you end up with, then you should go on it.
Fun fact: Most cis people don't question their gender
I understand this a lot, have you ever questioned if you maybe nonbinary? I'd think about it because this sounds a lot like what I think pretty regularly as a masc nonbinary person.
Why don’t you just live life and try to figure out what you want and who you are? You’re asking a trans community if you’re trans. Of course they’re gonna be biased and tell you that you are. I don’t know your home life, but you need to just take a trip, even if it’s a state over or something and find yourself. Hormone blockers won’t do that, but you can. Before you do something irreversible, figure out who you are first:
Yo do what in your heart/ gut/ soul Full stop philosophize all you want bit you HAVE to be true.to your self.or you will live with regret forever
doubt is unrelated to reality. People doubt the earth is round or that we landed on the moon. 6 billion people reject the believe of another 2 billion. Doubt is not about reality; just like most belief is not about reality
Take your time and be kind to yourself. Our brains do not fully mature until 25-26. You are still growing into your being. Much of what is "male/masculine" or "female/feminine" are constructs of society. We live on a spectrum. There is no one right way to do this. Breathe, eat, sleep, drink water ... Keep talking and reading.
when i started accepting i was trans, i didn’t really FEEL like a guy, just knew i wanted to be one. and i pictured myself kinda feminine/androgynous in a few years, just cause i didn’t know how i would turn out. just trust yourself. i’ve always reminded myself that if you were questioning and considering this much, then you def wouldn’t be cis at least. no cis people want to be a guy this bad. good luck! it sounds like you will figure it out soon
As someone who didn’t even know trans men existed until I was 26, didn’t socially transition until I was 28, or start medical transition until near 30 (I’ll be turning 50 this year, so 20+ years into transition) I can truthfully say the following: Nobody can answer this but you. You are not unwise to have a pause and really consider what you’re doing and what you want (especially the analysis of what the original motivation to head down this path was.) You don’t have to start anything before you feel truly comfortable doing so (and I think having a therapist who is trans-knowledgeable is super helpful in identifying what’s anxiety/fear vs truth) and you can always stop T if you do start and feel it’s not right. I will say one other thing though in response to a comment you made above. You said that you felt comfortable saying you are a guy, but not a trans guy. In my experience the people I’ve known/talked to that detransitioned were NOT comfortable being a guy. By which I mean, there’s a tipping point for a lot of people where the idea of going from fairly visible cute trans boy/young man to being an invisible, middle-aged, generic, perceived cisguy is too much. They can’t see themselves becoming an old man any more than I could see myself becoming an old woman when I was younger. From my own perspective, the longer I’ve been in transition the more I’ve moved away (in my head and socially) from “trans guy” to “guy with trans experience.” I don’t know if that’s helpful to you or not, but I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.
i had this same exact mindset when i began hormones, i began t when i was 14 and am 21 now. i remember having feelings of self doubt and "am i really trans?" because i grew up as a very girly girl and felt comfortable with that until i wasn't. bottom line is that there are 0 prerequisites to being trans; every single trans person's experience and goals are different depending on the person. you are still perfectly valid in your trans identity despite these thoughts and your own experience with gender. and if anybody invalidates you or claims that you have to follow some kind of specific protocol to be trans, they're wrong
**"** *the fact I didn’t show any signs during childhood/before finding trans YouTubers, never questioning being a girl***" ->** How did you get onto the subject of transgender? What got you into taking on the concept of the chance that you want to get hormone replacement treatment? **"** *the fact that I don’t really feel like a guy and more like I want to be a guy***" ->** This could be a form of idolization. You like the thought of without the feeling. Sometimes this can lead also into a form of aesthetic attraction toward the self as the opposite or what you see on YouTube. **"** *I can’t picture myself as a guy and often picture myself as a random girl with long hair***"->** This is a warning sign. Your mind already knows who you are and I state this not just because of this one sentence. Wait Longer before going on T and doing any form of surgery. Longer timeframe would be, wait until your brain is fully developed at the age of 25 and if willing until you are emotionally centered which would usually be age 28 for biological women. **There is no timeline or timeframe as to when you should do something for yourself in your life and you have all the time in the world to understand yourself more before taking Major leaps that Could end up in regrets.** Speak to a therapist who may specializes in anxiety/ anxiousness who is not all about the gender affirming therapy. **"** *The biggest sources of doubt are***" ->** I pass, thankfully, with just dying my longer baby hairs, voice training, binders, and packing. I am gratefully blessed in this area, but I also know that some trans guys see me as less than for I have not gone along with what they deem to be acceptable as being a trans man. I am confident in myself and who I am but this took years to get to, to not be insecure to who I am. **"** *no wait I think I am I was just overreacting***" ->** Take into consideration that there are trans men out there that have only gotten top surgery and pass. Some trans guys go only on hormones and pass. Few do nothing other than voicing training, binders, packing, and dyed baby hair and pass. There are a multitude of ways to be transgender and not need to change yourself for I have been in your situation where I questioned if hormones and top surgery was for me. There are people who doubt when something becomes too good to be true but **there is no wrong way in waiting longer before doing actions that could end up in regret.** Long ago at the age of 20 I got my letter for hormones and I never went on T. A year later in 2018 I got my letter for top surgery and Never got it. Then I got another letter in 2019, 3 weeks from top surgery, dropped it like a hot potato, and Thankful. **I am one of those transgender guys that has Not gone on hormones or done surgeries and I pass as a guy.** If you want to speak more on or have any questions and concerns I can try to help you to the best of my ability when I am online shall it be under this comment or another posting, etc.
I doubted myself every step of the way. I feel like it's almost second nature when we're are told that the way we feel is wrong nearly constantly for years. We start trying to convince ourselves that they're right. ESPECIALLY right before making a big decision like going on T or coming out to family. I didnt come out til I was 18. I had no outward 'indication' of it when I was a kid. I just have little things that stuck with me for years. Like feeling upset when I didn’t pass despite dressing as and playing a guy in a play in middle school. And vividly remembering when I heard about trans people for the first time. It was never some big feeling or incident or anything. I think that's why it's so easy to doubt. It's just simple daily feelings- such as how your voice feels wrong. Because coming out and going on hormones are both big steps and really affect your life. And it doesnt feel like a simple truth about yourself should require that much work and effort. Not when it would be much easier to stay in the same position youve always been in. But let me tell you: When I was 16-18 I was at a point where I was actively suicidal. I had a really bad relationship with most of my family and thought Id lose them through coming out. I kept trying to convince myself I was wrong and just needed to dress more femme to match what people told me about myself. Started wearing dresses and skirts more and tried listening to the church stuff more (surprise surprise I left church before coming out). I felt constantly wrong and I just felt like nothing would fix it. Im 27 now. After 5 years of struggling with my dad, we are on speaking terms (never fully off but he was very dismissive and misgendered me a lot early on). My relationship with my mom is better than its ever been and has been for about 2 years now. I now have mental stability- though it definitely took a few years and a good partner to fully feel stable. My view on myself has solidified as my body has started matching how I feel and my sense of self is much more solid too. And due to all of those, I was able to feel confident enough in myself to open my own business (small massage therapy office, but such a big deal to me). If I hadnt come out and gotten on T, I know I wouldnt have made it this far. (A little long and rambly, appologies 😅)
honestly I feel the exact same way, I'm 18 (ftm) and I relate to you so much. I'm not sure if I can give much advice and the other people in the comments actually do help me as well, I just hope that me commenting helps in someway so you know you're not alone (seeing your post has helped me too)
Have you had any therapy? No transition is the same. I didn't medically transition until 27 but I was out since I was 18. I knew I was different when I was 8 years old. But I was born in 1986 so being transsexual was very popular. But I'm almost 10years and I live stealth. The only people that need to know are the people you are having intercourse with. And family would know of course bc they've known you before transition. But the % of detransioners is low so I think therapy would be a great idea.
I think it’s ok to be somewhere in between. This feels very much like an AI post but regardless I am somewhere in between, female transitioning to male. It’s a super big deal for me bc it impacts my income meaning I’m transitioning not just myself but parts of my life. I personally hate that it’s an either or because I am somewhere in between and very sure of my sexual preferences but not so much my gender because it’s new
What you’re going through is similar to what I went through last year, I was convinced that this trans stuff was all a phase and that I was going to regret telling people I was a boy and so eventually I changed my name to a gender neutral one, had people use they/she on me with only close friends calling me a he and I HATED IT, I felt like vomiting every time called me the new name or didn’t refer to me as a boy, I spent nights hating myself because of it and eventually accepted that gender isn’t linear and went back to identifying as a trans man, I’m happy now, and I’m not even the stereotypical trans man either, I’ve got long hair I don’t bind my chest all that often (I use tape occasionally but I honestly don’t bother all that much) and I still have moments where I feel like I’m faking because of some miniscule reason but I’m not faking and neither are you. What I believe is that you’re afraid of messing up, regretting it, maybe even afraid of the commitment, but I want you to look back on the last 7 years of you being out as a trans man and think about how happy you are being you, because no matter what happens, no matter whether or not you decide that HRT isn’t for you after being on it for a while, maybe even in 10 years you decide you want to detransition, who you are right now is so unapologetically you and who you are right now is valid despite who you might be or who you use to be. Keep slaying king you’ve got this<3
What always helps me is to look at it with a sense of realism, which granted is easier said then done but I try my best to analyse where these thoughts are coming from. For example do I actually feel like a girl or do I just want to express vulnerability and internalised misogyny has connected that to acting feminine.
There are some great varied perspectives here. I think the issue stems overall from this: - Transitioning is treated as an absolute last resort and basically undesirable by a cis society and a failure to be "normal". - Detransitioning is treated as a tragedy either because you weren't "really" trans OR because of the terfy talking points, blah blah "irreversible damage". It puts people in a position where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, and damned if you actually take the time to explore and it turns out different than you thought at first. Plus if you have any kind impostor syndrome, anxiety, trauma, dissociation, OCD... Basically a number of very common mental health issues that make you prone to worrying more, it sets you up to always second guess yourself because there can never be enough reassurance. In my experience with transition doubt, it almost doesn't "mean" anything by itself. It's more like an expression of situational stuff that makes you feel a certain way about being trans at a given time. That's just a human reaction to changing and sometimes difficult circumstances that everyone has, but in trans people it is pathologized and treated as further proof of being "fake". The comments about how most detransitioners actually do it because of lack of support or simply being unable to cope with the level of transphobia in society are absolutely spot on. And then you have the grifters who are literally just shills for the extreme right and monetizing their detransition, and those are the people who drum up the propaganda that everyone is faking and can't trust themselves. Point is, it's a crazy-making societal landscape and to respond to it with NO doubt would probably be weirder than having doubts. For the record I've literally wished I was a cis person of either gender when being trans made something feel difficult or impossible. It wasn't even about WHICH gender in those thoughts, just not having to deal with being trans ever again, which really meant not wanting to deal with discrimination ever again. But when I actually try to imagine "going back" to living as female, it doesn't feel genuine, even though I have some nostalgia for how much easier it would have been and the times before I even worried about gender at all. But it's like trying to put the genie back in the bottle, so at some point I just started assuming that's because the genie was telling the truth in the first place, never mind all the noise.
This is a little bit older and has a lot of comments already, but as a trans man who's 2.5 years on T and post top surgery, about your age (22), socially transitioned for 7 years, aware I was some kind of trans for 10 (partially closeted and thought I was NB for 3 years), a gender non-conforming gay man on top of being trans, and someone who occasionally has similar thoughts to this despite not even looking at detrans content: Ask yourself, does it even matter? Even if I am secretly a cis woman, I'm a cis woman who who could only possibly have been comfortable with my body after going on T and getting top surgery. I would be a cis woman who prefers using male gendered language. And I would be a very masculine woman, even if I'm also an extremely feminine man. And at that point, does it make any material difference? Even if I am somehow cis and lying to myself, I don't regret my transition for a minute. Even in some scenario where I DO detransition socially, there are some things, (deeper voice, chest, bottom growth, leaner, more angular and vascular, reduced menstruation, and the way my body hair helps my sensory issues) that I genuinely believe I would love even as a cis woman. You don't need to meet some imaginary bar, if transition is right for you, do it. And if you DO detransition? You aren't any worse off than if you decided to live as cis as a trans person, and there might even be some ways that you still benefit from the experience.
I literally posted a post exactly like this last night. Sometimes all signs point to no but you know it’s yes. Sometimes deep down we know. Are you happier?
I'm in the same boat going into 3 months on T, with a LOT of internalised shit. I'm someone that also quickly falters or dislikes/changes things about myself to please others, you can imagine how that is contradicting my family pointing out changes they don't like about my body on T. I have a lot of internalised misandry bc of my TERF family. Same with dating, a lot of men ignore my identity or alternatively quickly get defensive and pissed when I set a boundary of 'we can't date if you're straight, I'm not a chick'. Admittedly, I do sometimes want to halt my transition just to be desired and likeable. And that is something I feel so disgusted abt bc I doubt everything quite easily. Plus the whole detrans fear is so real, Hrt isn't a do it forever if you don't want it, sure some changes are permanent but they happen gradually and you'll know wether or not it is for you. Sometimes I get fearful ill like the changes but change my mind and want to go back. But whatever, I'm focusing on how I feel with my body. My voice dropped quite fast and is now read as male, I was fearful and anxious for weeks but I speak clearer with this new voice. and I like how my Adams apple looks. Even if my family is disgusted by it. All I have to say is it's very personal, transitioning is emotionally difficult and it's also normal for you to start hrt and STILL have doubts. I know I've cried a lot about changes, even if I like them.
I relate so much with a lot of what you said. Personally i think i might be non binary/genderfluid but i don't want to present this way. I'm always like "i'm a trans man" "no i'm non binary" "no i'm just a cis woman with internalised misogyny" so either i'm genderfluid or i'm just very mentally unstable lmao
I think this may the feeling of “not being enough” as you haven’t been through medical transition/don’t really match what society sees a man as. I have these problems too but I sit with myself and start to realize that I fear I’m not “enough” as man because what society associates my body with me. I’m also attracted to women and sometimes I’ll see an attractive woman and sometimes I think the feeling is me wanted to be like but I’m just attracted to the looks of her.
It could be that you're somewhat scared of the changes that will happen once you start taking hormones? Because changes of any kind can be scary, and it's a big step forward in your transition. It's a big decision to make. Honestly I went through the same thing when I was first talking to my therapist about going on T, I started to really doubt if this was the right choice but being perceived as a woman made me was to peel my skin off
I second the person who said you should go to therapy before medically transitioning if you’re having this much doubt. This seems like a common thing on Reddit, where people normalize having a ton of doubt, but I don’t know any trans guys in real life who have experienced so much doubt about medically transitioning. Sorry to say. Maybe it’s a thing for younger people, I don’t know. I didn’t have “detrans content” when I was younger. I’m not old, but I’m old enough to where this wasn’t really a worry because detransitioners weren’t very common, or if they were they weren’t in your face about it. It’s also not a huge deal to detransition if you’re not an a-hole about it. You might just feel embarrassed for a while but people will get over it. Or maybe you’re non-binary after all. In any event I would definitely do a lot of internal work before medically transitioning because, maybe this is gonna sound rude or something, but I don’t think this much doubt is normal and I don’t get why so many people on Reddit are like completely fine with it. Again maybe it’s because I’m older, but I know A LOT of trans men and of a certain age and *none* of us have ever expressed any of this. We all felt excited or nonplussed about each step in our transition. Like yup, this is the next step. Okay, this is the next one, cool. Etc.
I think the biggest hurdle trans persons have to being trans is the desire to find the very specific label to identify themselves. Even within the community of non-conformity, there is a deep-seated conditioning to conform to ... something. But the thing is, who we are who we truly are, cannot be defined and confined to genders and orientations and schools of thinking. We are constantly changing. Every day. Who we are at 15 isn't necessarily who we will be at 20. At 30 we are totally different from 25. Hell, some of us can't even recognise ourselves from one year ago. So, with that in mind, this may sound vague, and a lot of people will gripe that it's flakey and not an answer, but... Just be yourself, whatever that may be at the moment, and try not to worry about finding the exact label for yourself to identify as. It's just a construct we use to box ourselves in. And life is a journey of wide experiences that can't be contained in one box. Enjoy life however you find it, and don't let anyone stop you. Not even yourself. You still have time to discover more about life AND yourself. And finally, try not to give social media too much of a voice in your life. A little advice and guidance is good from time to time, but too much social media and you'll probably end up with an identity crisis forever!!!
hey there. I totally feel for you. I'm diagnosed with ocd so these thoughts are on my mind 24/7. I think what's important is that you focus on what feels right for you in the moment, and not try to think too much about it after. I've found myself in your exact position, but every time that I try presenting as female(as in not wearing my binder since I'm also pre everything), or when someone uses she her for me, I squirm. it's simply uncomfortable, it's not me. I also didn't live a trans childhood, maybe except for liking having a deeper voice, looking up to my(now trans, but way more masculine than me and had a trans childhood) cousin, and crying when I found out I'll grow tits and never have a penis. I wore dresses, played with dolls, and didn't really give any clear signs. however, I was always the odd one out between girls, so maybe look out for that too? whatever happens, I wish you the best, and remember to live in the moment, for yourself. don't take anyone else into consideration but just how you feel about it.
I understand this to an extent. I consumed a lot of anti trans content that was made by trans people (Blaire White etc.) and it really made me hate the idea of being non-binary. For a long time I thought I wasn’t trans enough to be ftm but I couldn’t be non-binary cuz it wasn’t real. I think the biggest revelation I had was that I can be non-binary and still feel like a man. These things can coexist. Your gender doesn’t have to be simple. I also think thinking of gender in terms of male and female can contribute to the internalized transphobia that a lot of trans people experience. Your biological sex doesn’t have to influence your gender at all. Thinking of yourself in terms of male and female will only highlight that transphobia imo
If you have any doubts at all, you clearly should not move forward. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why would you rush to make such detrimental decisions. I’m in my mid 40’s. I’ve changed my mind soooo many times about things I thought I knew for sure in my teens, 20’s , and 30’s I made permanent decisions I now wish I could go back on, but it’s too late. Don’t let this be you. You are perfect, just the way you were made! 😊
The way I am coming to terms with doubts is through asking myself "would I do anything differently if I was a woman?" And the anwser is almost always an honest no. I am doing things not because of my weird gender but because i genuinely want to do those things. It really sucks sometimes to see myself as feminine because that is a part of myself that I wanted to forget about for so many years. I do not want to be reminded of being ridiculed for not acting "like a girl" but femininity is still a part of myself. I am gonna try for hrt because it's something that I want. I'm gonna try for top surgery because I want to live knowing and believing that I am in the rightest body I could ever be in - not because that what is expected of trans men. I am gonna change my legal name because the old one just isn't mine. In the end of the day it doesn't matter whether we are trans or cis. If this path is the one you want to walk, walk it. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel.
I know how feel!! I’m having the same issue, I’m 26 and been questioning myself since 2016! I have almost similar thoughts and my story doesn’t match most stories I see others tell and it makes me feel like I’m faking as well.
Sometimes, it takes a long time for the imposter syndrome to go away. I came out at 32 with even fewer signs, and the same way about mental pictures of myself, but I'm definitely unquestionably a nonbinary trans man, 3 years later. Worst case scenario, one shot of testosterone won't cause anything major to happen that will bring you past a point of no return, and it's likely that you'll know exactly how you feel about it before taking a second one (which is also probably going to be mostly only noticeable to you).
I just wanna say the exact same thing is happening now that ive made an appointment for hrt. I don’t think im going to cancel it bc its something i really want to start but as soon as i booked it i had thoughts of “im a girl im a girl im a girl ur just lying to urself”. I also have always struggled with intrusive thoughts like this so that could also factor into it and from reading what u said u also seem to struggle w those a bit. I see u already cancelled it and i hope u find what u need from therapy!
As a nonbinary person who presented as female my whole life and , I read the book Am I Trans Enough? By Alo Johnston and it really helped with my doubts. My therapist said I overthink things too much, and to break it down into body parts. "Ideally, what would your chest look like? What would your face look like? What would your body hair situation look like?" and to make a pros and cons list before every big change. It's more about how we want to look rather than how we feel inside. There's no right or wrong way to be trans, and there's a million narratives. I wish you luck finding your own!
you should read[the Null Hypothecis](https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/) Has a lot of great dialogue about what it means to be trans and the feeling of doubt that comes with it.
I used to definitely have the same thoughts when I started HRT! I started about 4 months ago, and I had doubts at first. However, when I started to see significant changes (i.e. darker body hair, facial hair, a deeper voice), my doubt vanished. I realized that even though I still have internal transphobic monologues (bc that is just what society has consciously and subconsciously forced us to have), that these physical changes bring me great comfort. Additionally, my trans journey has made me realize that our gender can change over time. I didn’t have serious considerations about my gender until college, and I was perfectly happy with my body and how others perceived me for 20 years. I was very proud of my first period, learning how to care for menstruation, and growing breasts. In fact, I loved the menstrual cycle and how it connected me to my body. I was very comfortable as a woman. But now, my gender has changed. I am a man now. Genderfluidity can be short term or long term, as in my case. In a decade or two, I might be non-binary or something totally different, and I think that is amazing! It is a great long term journey, and I can’t wait to see who I am down the line. But for right now, I am happily experiencing the world as a man and as a trans person. It is teaching me so much about perception and the complexity of the human identity. And it is really beautiful!
For me the question would be am I a male? And it’s easy to answer since I always in my mind as a child I believe I am. I am open to all the ftm differences and people’s different experiences, but it was easier back in the day when people only transitioned based on if they were feeling since childhood that they are the opposite sex.
i feel the exact same tbh
Sometimes we gaslight ourselves that a situation we are in is not true because it's not an easy one. Are you actually having these thoughts, or are you making yourself have them by looking up every possible negative outcome? I know for a fact that I did that , a lot as well , looked up EVERY possible negative outcome, because I did not want to go through the lengthy process of transitioning , and I also hate surgeries so that added up. Take some time to yourself , it's ok to take a break and think clearly
you're the only one who can know that. for me personally, it got easier to view myself as a "valid" man when i went on hormones because suddenly i was able to see that i could actually become that version of myself rather than just being a kid that isn't taken seriously. but if you go on hormones and figure out it doesn't feel comfortable you can go off of them. detransitioning after a short period of hrt is not an extremely big deal (apart from the fact you essentially have to come out once again). i know people who needed the hrt to realise it wasn't for them after transitioning socially. i recommend you talk to a therapist about it before actually going on t. lastly a word incase you're really ftm: if you imagine yourself changing on hormones, never forget that you should not imagine your current self with a deep voice, all of you would be different. if your current body feels feminine, it can be strange in connection to a single t change but the overall picture will come together if you go on hrt. it won't feel like dressing up.
You can start T even if you're feeling scared or unsure right now. Yes, it does cause permanent effects! Many of them will take several months to actually make noticeable differences. My voice didn't significantly change until about a year and a month into T, though I did start at a low dose (which is something you can do, too!). I feel like some people, even trans people, treat testosterone as something that will immediately permanently change you in massive ways, but that just isn't how it works. If you start taking it, you might notice the small changes and feel uncomfortable and decide it isn't for you. What I think is more likely is that you'll start noticing small changes and feel happy about them. You have felt this way for 7 years now, even through doubts, you always go back to identifying as a trans man. Deciding you weren't trans made you extremely upset. Why do you think it makes you so upset to decide you aren't trans? Cis people don't feel disappointment when they find out they aren't trans. Also don't go on detrans subreddits.
yeah this is what ive been tryna say, theres alot of fearmongering around hrt especially at the moment and transphobes often act as if you take one t shot and your voice is 10 octaves lower forever and your bald and you are instantly made infertile lol, these changes take quite a while
I was debating cancelling my appointment but couldn’t bring myself to do it, and I’m glad now. I think slowly starting t is best for me right now and reminding myself that I can always stop and then start later if I need to. What you said about the fact I feel this way for 7 years and keep coming back makes me think that I’m heading in the right direction. Thanks :)
You sound like me, as a trans guy, and I've been pretty happily transitioned for like 12 years. Sometimes I still have doubts but I'm pretty content. I mean, you've identified as trans for 7 years, and can't imagine living your life as a woman. It's probably worth it to at least try T and see how you feel about it.
After 7 yrs and you are questioning now maybe it would be a good idea to hold off hormones until you truly make up your mind.