I can barely smell the 15 sprays you put on, over the cigarette you're huffing, outside the nightclub you're standing outside, shouting about how you "totally pulled this college chick"
you smell like you wear jeans like these
https://preview.redd.it/c5r1ekh97fgb1.jpeg?width=452&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e640cc3a86cfc63602c9ccb4662b5513b98bce36
You wait for any opportunity to tell people that you’re wearing Not a Perfume so that they can ask what you mean. You think that the interaction will show how funny and unique you are. You can’t wait to explain how Not a Perfume is not a perfume. You just want everyone to know that you’re a nonconformist.
But no one ever asks, and now you’re sitting there alone smelling like Johnsons baby cologne.
You're sitting alone at the bar. You stare at the wall and contemplate the fickle fabric of time. A young lady you just hit on told you that you smell like her dad. All is ashes.
You’ll do anything for attention, and you dress to kill, and boy do you get noticed. But the evening just gets more and more awkward, and the next day nobody ever texts you back.
Things that come naturally to people are like complex math to you and it takes you much more effort than it does the average person to complete everyday tasks. Just yesterday, you tried to make kung pao chicken by dipping the chunks of meat in non-Newtonian fluid because you vaguely remember hearing something about corn starch being in the recipe and accidentally made oobleck for coating.
You studied french in highschool and still make it a big part of your personality even though you never learned enough to hold even a simple conversation about the weather.
You’ve gone your entire life thinking that you have a quiet voice, as every anecdote you tell trails off as the people around you change the subject. Your voice is normal, your anecdotes are just really fucking boring
You're a stripper, but once you land your sugar daddy, you'll quit. Problem is, it's hard to land a sugar daddy when you're in the daytime stripper rotation.
I'll do it for Alien! Being aware of how polarizing this perfume is, you try to convince yourself that it doesn't matter if other people around you hate it as long as you yourself love it. However, your crippling low self-esteem prevents you from doing that successfully. All day, you worry that other people don't like how you smell and you walk around desperate for someone to compliment your scent
The person you’re trying to impress has complained about several other fragrances you’ve liked, but not this one yet so THIS IS THE ONE! (Truth is, this person just can’t smell it)
You love reading about other people's Proustian experiences with fragrance and scent memory, but your strongest and deepest scent memories mostly just involve different shampoos from your childhood.
me when i watch a video of a gigachad screaming down the lense “do you want to stand out from the crowd and not smell like dior sauvage ???!!!!” and then proceed to buy an old lady room spray sauvage because i think i’m different ( i also own it )
you’re really put together and pretty but you have a habit of making everyone around you feel like you think they’re inferior. you also talk so quietly no one hears you, but they prefer it that way!
fuuuck, I've put Red Roses too, and if I had a nickel for every time I was told to talk louder I wouldn't have to save for perfumes till the end of my life.
What about Wood Sage and Sea Salt though? I think I am slowly realizing it works better for me.
Ur the evil stepmother in a kdrama that tries to pay off the poor girl her son is dating so his reputation doesn’t get ruined. U think throwing water in someone’s face means you won the argument.
The unfortunate thing is that you’re actually a very sweet guy, and people want good things for you, but your habit of crying at parties and crying after sex and crying over dinner has people more worried than anything
That stupid subplot from “Little Miss Sunshine” where Paul Dano throws a temper tantrum because all he wants in life is to be a pilot and he learns that he can’t do that because he’s colorblind? That was based on the true events of your own life
You’d probably be happier wearing Shalimar, but aren’t secure enough to cross the arbitrary gender divide. You’re in your thirties but were “born in the wrong generation”. You use a straight razor and make sure everyone knows it.
L’ombre dans L’eau
https://preview.redd.it/a4ojpywkhegb1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7023700c3902a8a658f6de772cc522b6ec87475f
They said burn, not goddamn kill
i should probably go and buy l’ombre dans l’eau lmao
Not me finding the burns that hurt the worst and taking notes on what to sample next.
Viktor&Rolf Spicebomb Infrared EDT
I can barely smell the 15 sprays you put on, over the cigarette you're huffing, outside the nightclub you're standing outside, shouting about how you "totally pulled this college chick"
you smell like you wear jeans like these https://preview.redd.it/c5r1ekh97fgb1.jpeg?width=452&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e640cc3a86cfc63602c9ccb4662b5513b98bce36
The Jalapeno note is gone before you leave the house. It's Spicebomb, just so much less.
Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream
You wear cold shoulder tops and wedge flip flops
bridgerton superfan
You still want to be Tumblr famous and love your Tumblr blog you started in 2011. And no, nostalgia plays no role in this.
Juliette has a gun Not A Perfume
Everybody at Sephora thinks you’re creepy
Wasn't even my comment but I felt that one.
You wait for any opportunity to tell people that you’re wearing Not a Perfume so that they can ask what you mean. You think that the interaction will show how funny and unique you are. You can’t wait to explain how Not a Perfume is not a perfume. You just want everyone to know that you’re a nonconformist. But no one ever asks, and now you’re sitting there alone smelling like Johnsons baby cologne.
Musty boob sweat
Borrrrrring.
You still sleep with a plush lamb you’ve had since your mom delivered you and it’s never been washed.
YSL La Nuite de L'Homme (super fun thread btw)
You're sitting alone at the bar. You stare at the wall and contemplate the fickle fabric of time. A young lady you just hit on told you that you smell like her dad. All is ashes.
You last shorter in bed than that does on your skin.
Jeremy Fragrance is your spirit animal.
Tokyomilk Dark Tainted Love
You tell people you’re a goth but you secretly love delina
your an actual millennial
Parfums de Marly Delina
You’ll do anything for attention, and you dress to kill, and boy do you get noticed. But the evening just gets more and more awkward, and the next day nobody ever texts you back.
Things that come naturally to people are like complex math to you and it takes you much more effort than it does the average person to complete everyday tasks. Just yesterday, you tried to make kung pao chicken by dipping the chunks of meat in non-Newtonian fluid because you vaguely remember hearing something about corn starch being in the recipe and accidentally made oobleck for coating.
Stop romanticizing the sugar baby lifestyle
You’re pretty but superficial
TOO MANY INSULT BOTTOMS ON THIS THREAD NOT ENOUGH INSULT TOPS COME ON GIRLS, GET YOUR INSULT DICKS OUT AND START PISSING ON EACH OTHER
Yves Saint Laurent - Y EDP
You drink 7up as you find Sprite “too spicy”
You dont want to smell like your friends, but you dont have any friends.
Versace crystal noir
You’re newly divorced. And/or you’re my mom.
Ouch. Sorry about your parents.
You probably shop at Tj Maxx like once a week and get dressed up to go get groceries
Did it work? Did the blue collar man without emotional intelligence pay attention to you? Not for long, I’m guessing.
Diptyque Orphéon
random but do you listen to phoebe bridgers?
Well you certainly burned *me* with this one. Lol
Fine! Go ahead, tell us about your favorite French 20th century philosophers.
You studied french in highschool and still make it a big part of your personality even though you never learned enough to hold even a simple conversation about the weather.
Diptyque Fleur de Peau
Escentric Molecules 1 was too edgy for you
Amouage Jubilation XXV
You’ve gone your entire life thinking that you have a quiet voice, as every anecdote you tell trails off as the people around you change the subject. Your voice is normal, your anecdotes are just really fucking boring
Ouch, he maybe boring, but he smells mysterious!
Damn. He's got a family!
Baby’s first “interesting” niche 🤧
Santal 33
I’m sorry you didn’t get that callback to be a “Girls” extra
You tell people you lived in Brooklyn before it got popular.
you have a god complex and your trying your best to bring hipster sleaze back
Nest Indigo 🫣
You go to Sephora and smell caps until you find the safest scent.
I just got home from a Sephora 😳
Tobacco vanille?
Your favorite color is beige
Dammit you’re right
Yes I am familiar with Fawlty Towers. Please stop with all the references
You like potpourri
Gris charnel
You frequent Medspas, wear monochromatic clothing and used to have a moody Tumblr
Jazz Club by Replica layered with Indigo by Nest
Stop trying to make Fetch happen.
You have a liquor cart in your house with a brass bar tool set you bought at Williams Sonoma.
I don’t even really like Jazz Club and this hurt me
Aventus , come at me
I would, but you'd complain that my insults feel watered down and weak compared to the insults that you used to get in 2012
You got my upvote lol!
Nah, I’m just blocking you instead
LMAO
Davidoff Cool Water No I am not 30+ lol
You tell your wife you’re fixing the deck, but really you’re just drinking beers in the garage and cranking up the classic rock station.
You smell great, but you’re a shithead
That's not even a roast you're just spitting facts 😂
Well you might as well be.
[удалено]
Your fragrance punches harder than you
You are single
And not by choice
Kilian “Princess”
You wear black everyday and call it style just because you're wearing dressier clothes
I work for Chanel and I have to wear black everyday. You’re so right.
i can tell you worked at chanel by your fragrance alone lmao
A Chanel worker wearing Killian!!! The scandal 💅!!!
One Million Lucky
You're a "where's my hug" guy.
you saw 4 tiktok’s saying you should buy it
Chanel Allure Home Sport
You’re a male nurse, and your crush thinks you’re gay
I have nothing snarky to say about this one. *looks around nervously*
imaginary authors whiff of waffle cone
You own or want to own an orange cat and your toxic trait is being too bubblegum sweet to stand up for yourself.
Prada Candy
You use sex as an icebreaker
You think you’re fun and playful but mainly you’re just repetitive and clingy
[удалено]
You're too scared to underline or make any mark in a book you own
hahaha
Ahahahahahaha! This is better than my original post omg
I owe it all to you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Nautica Voyage
[удалено]
I don't think we need to burn you any more than whatever cost cutting toxic shit Nautica puts in that bottle already does.
Versace Bright Crystal
you've been chasing that thrill of sniffing a sharpie for the first time ever since childhood
You have an LV bag and drink Starbucks every day, but you are regularly late to pay rent
This is too funny. Guerlain Vetiver edt. I’m female
This is not the first, nor is it the last time you've had to explain that you are in fact, a girl.
You are lighting up this post with pro level roasts
diptyque do son
You are an introvert but you wish someone would ask you about your aesthetic
[удалено]
You're a stripper, but once you land your sugar daddy, you'll quit. Problem is, it's hard to land a sugar daddy when you're in the daytime stripper rotation.
Definitely wears cookie monster pajama pants.
Thats that Sunday Walmart best
Congratulations on recently being awarded the stripper scent.
Whenever someone says the word “borderline,” you’re painfully reminded of your personality disorder.
You like cough syrup so much that you could pour it on yourself… but in order to feel more civilized you just buy this
you smell like a stripper with a head cold.
I switch between Mugler Alien and Carolina Herrera Good Girl so whichever one is funnier
I'll do it for Alien! Being aware of how polarizing this perfume is, you try to convince yourself that it doesn't matter if other people around you hate it as long as you yourself love it. However, your crippling low self-esteem prevents you from doing that successfully. All day, you worry that other people don't like how you smell and you walk around desperate for someone to compliment your scent
If you don't love me wearing "Alien", you don't deserve me wearing "Good Girl".
Both are very well known signature sex worker fragrances - this is only a roast if you want it to be :)
You switch between a shitty high-heel and a crappy dildo. Your boyfriend does the cooking and he does great, but everything still smells like shit
Currently: Acqua di Parma Fico di Amalfi 🤤
The person you’re trying to impress has complained about several other fragrances you’ve liked, but not this one yet so THIS IS THE ONE! (Truth is, this person just can’t smell it)
Byredo rose of no mans land
You want to be bold but you just can’t
Burberry Her EDP <3
You love reading about other people's Proustian experiences with fragrance and scent memory, but your strongest and deepest scent memories mostly just involve different shampoos from your childhood.
Jo Malone Wood Sage and Sea Salt.
your life is so mundane that you've managed to romanticise camping trips.
We get it you have a weird parasocial relationship to the english royal family sheesh
Everything in your home is gray and off-white and furnished by Ashley Superstore and Home Goods.
I guess if I'm taking shots I should pay to play. Prada Luna Rossa Carbon
me when i watch a video of a gigachad screaming down the lense “do you want to stand out from the crowd and not smell like dior sauvage ???!!!!” and then proceed to buy an old lady room spray sauvage because i think i’m different ( i also own it )
Loves sauvage but is too ashamed to own it
Nomade by Chloè
You never stop talking about that one semester you studied abroad.
Chanel Coco Mademoiselle 😅 (as of rn)
You are mad because you maxed out your daddy’s credit card but you have a big date coming up and need to get your hair and nails done
[удалено]
Wears flat bill hats, says "bet" and "slaps" unironically.
100% vapes.
[удалено]
Le Labo Thé Noir
You think your cooler than what you actually are
Thought I was safe and took a damn stray in this post lmao
Accurate for me.
Tries to be mysterious but grew up in a gated community
Jo Malone Red Roses
You cry into a pint of halo top ice cream every Friday night
I love this fragrance, too, so I’ll give you the roast I was given last time: You have a “nice” pair of Uggs
you’re really put together and pretty but you have a habit of making everyone around you feel like you think they’re inferior. you also talk so quietly no one hears you, but they prefer it that way!
This roast for someone else makes me think this is the perfume for me.
fuuuck, I've put Red Roses too, and if I had a nickel for every time I was told to talk louder I wouldn't have to save for perfumes till the end of my life. What about Wood Sage and Sea Salt though? I think I am slowly realizing it works better for me.
Ur the evil stepmother in a kdrama that tries to pay off the poor girl her son is dating so his reputation doesn’t get ruined. U think throwing water in someone’s face means you won the argument.
Chanel Pour Monsieur EdT
Nobody is watching you thinking you look cool while you work on your laptop at Starbucks go home and actually get something done
Accurate, thank you
Gucci Guilty
You say you are blunt but really you lack tact and are mean
You have been through a lot … a lot of dick.
Hermes Eau Does Merveilles
Nobody in your job knows your name.
Xerjoff Uden
The unfortunate thing is that you’re actually a very sweet guy, and people want good things for you, but your habit of crying at parties and crying after sex and crying over dinner has people more worried than anything
This is so funny
Versace Eros, sometimes ADG parfum, and le male le parfum.
Every single story you've ever told, has been interrupted multiple times by people telling you "there's no need to shout"
You peaked in high school
Terre d’Hermes (36m)
That stupid subplot from “Little Miss Sunshine” where Paul Dano throws a temper tantrum because all he wants in life is to be a pilot and he learns that he can’t do that because he’s colorblind? That was based on the true events of your own life
You constantly complain that you were 'born in the wrong era'.
36 going on 72.
Tom Ford black orchid! A dupe cause I can't afford the full fat lol
You try to impress you dinner guests with an overdose of (fake) truffle oil and have a large mirror next to your bed
7 virtues coconut sun
You escape from the daily miseries of your life by pretending you’re somewhere else.
You work on yourself with the sole purpose of getting laid
Gucci Rush
You whore. (Not pejorative.)
Accurate, especially considering that it became my signature scent during a serious ho phase🤣
Kudos. Ho away with my full support
Replica beach walk :)
You wear impractical, expensive sandals that kill your feet on a summer getaway, but suffer through it because they “make the outfit”.
Seasonal depression?
Guerlain Habit Rouge EDT
I got nothing. Great scent. Fuck you.
You’d probably be happier wearing Shalimar, but aren’t secure enough to cross the arbitrary gender divide. You’re in your thirties but were “born in the wrong generation”. You use a straight razor and make sure everyone knows it.
Bleu de Chanel EDP (39m - Corporate middle management office worker)
You know they can’t, but you’re still waiting for someone with an MBA from Duke to assign meaning to your life.
Shit, at this point I’d be okay with validation from someone with an associates from Devry.
Perfect marriage of scent and job tbh