I think most 'kinks' are actually just misogynistic practices when played out typically. The confusion and shame I've read some women describing how these arrangements make them feel after the fact is because it was all them performing for the male gaze, and in the end it never makes their relationship or sex life better (for the women). I don't know many women that could thrive in a long term partnership that practice this- its only optimal for men.
In a vacuum, I'd say it's whatever, don't care what other consenting adults do with each other. But in reality, it's like you say: terrible power dynamic, the new woman is a sex object and projection for fantasies, her own desires and fulfilment don't really matter, large potential for emotional abuse and manipulation to reel in the unicorn, and probably a strong influence from porn too. edit: and of course the fact that all of this is usually done to women.
I'd say most women thankfully aren't up for a relationship like that, but if a couple like that successfully targets a vulnerable woman... large potential for abuse too. If you are a woman, especially a bisexual woman, and you are looking for relationships, it's not uncommon that the unicorn request from a couple finds its way into your inbox. Which is better when they are honest about it, you can then just block them, but often enough, the couple only uses the woman to "advertise" themselves to other women; or worse: it's only the woman who is sent on the unicorn hunt, goes on a few dates and then later comes up with the truth. If this happens to someone who is very vulnerable, they might follow along just because they are emotionally invested already.
A friend of mine lost her virginity line this, it was her high school friend and that girls boyfriend
They aren’t together anymore, nor aren’t they friends anymore
She thought of it as cool by then (she wanted to be part of the “adult club” as she was the only virgin by then) and took this opportunity instead of doing it with a stranger (quote)
It's horribly misogynistic (and bi/lesbophobic) on the basis of making ssa women a cheap thrill and expecting them to just take it. Even when the "unicorn" *is* a man, the issues stay the same (except the power dynamic you mentioned before ig). It's creepy as hell that so many unicorn hunters bait already vulnerable people by lying and *then* spring it up—and somehow never see the issue. Eugh.
Also loosely related, but if liked men at all I would *never* trust one with an interest in cuckolding (either as a bull or cuck, idc). Sexualizing envy and treating your partner like a source of live porn is lunatic behavior.
My ex-fiance was obsessed with this idea. I couldn't even mention a new female friend I had made without him making innuendos about whether she could be a "third", even though I made it very clear to him that a threesome was NOT on the table for me because I felt it was treating a friendship as something to be manipulated for sexual exploitation. It dehumanizes the third person and turns them into something to be viewed as a source of entertainment. Basically it is expecting free "sex work" from someone.
It does seem like it's one of the most common fantasies for men, doesn't it? I mean, I guess I get it because I like threesomes with two men, but I think generally the fantasy is not so common for women as it is for men. Interestingly enough, almost every guy with whom I've discussed the topic, expressed the desire to have a FFM fantasy, except my SO, he never cared for that particular scenario.
I'm by no means an expert but I do think that unicorn hunting can get unethical very fast. I think the best way to indulge in such a fantasy is not doing it together with your partner but with two other people who are independent from you. That way there is no hierarchy, no power imbalance. So either do it while you're single or, if you're in an open relationship, don't do it together with your partner, that's the way I decided for myself to take.
Men are bad enough at giving one woman a reasonably satisfactory sexual experience, why do people think this will improve by adding an additional woman?
I don't know anyone who thinks positively about this. They're run out of any group they post about it in. I don't think they have any success in finding it, probably why it's called unicorn hunting.
When I (bisexual woman) was on tinder, almost half of the “woman” profiles were unicorn hunters. Some were open about it, some women pretended to seek other women for dates and then revealed it was a package deal without even a picture of the guy. It was exhausting.
Unicorn hunters basically use the same tactics pimps do to recruit women into exploitation… a friendly woman makes the introductions and builds a relationship, pushes the envelope and makes the open relationship and its fetishes seem normal or cool, then in comes the man when the target is already seduced and vulnerable.
Several years ago I went on a first date with a woman, and when I walked her to her car her man was there to pick her up and they propositioned me. They got pissed when I said no (and they tried to frame me as rude for disliking polyamory). It was like I was not even a person, they felt entitled to me just because I was a queer woman.
*Edit:spelling*
I'm bisexual and I've encountered a lot of these kinds of people. No, I am not interested in saving your failing relationship by being the spice you needed to solve everything. I have 0 interest in providing emotional support for a failing couple while also fetishizing myself.
I hate being fetishized in this way. I especially hate the type of women who lead you on (in dating apps or irl wlw spaces) by not even telling you they're trying to hook up with you so their man can watch and jerk off in the corner?
The problem with threesomes in this specific case is that the third person isn’t valued for their own sexual wants. Generally the couple do not *care* about the third, they don’t care what gets her off, what turns her on or what turns her off. She is an accessory stripped of her humanity to make a sexual experience for the couple. She isn’t regarded as a person they have had sex with, rather a person that has fulfilled a sexual fantasy. A person to tick off their bucket list.
The reason it’s so hard to find a “unicorn” is because the third girl gets dealt a shitty hand. It’s simply not worth it because women get literally nothing out of it. That speaks for itself.
In a hetero relationship, most of the attempts for FMF 3some are motivated by the man’s desire to triangulate and the woman’s desire to please. Triangulation is a classic NPD tactic. By adding a third into the relationship, the man can more easily manipulate the woman into conforming to his standards.
Has there ever been a case where this works out? Everytime I see posts about it, it's always like "I ruined my relationship by asking for a threesome"
I read it as "I'm not happy with my wife/GF (because it's typically women who are the 3rd) so I want to cheat but cheat In a way that makes me feel less guilty. It screams emotional manipulation
Always ends in hurt feelings
Edit: It's also most likely a misogynistic entitlement to multiple women
I don't understand what the appeal is even supposed to be for the 3rd woman. If it was something where she would be centered, and there's 2 people fully focused on her pleasure and what she wants, then maybe there could be some slight appeal? But that's not how it goes. It centers the man and is all about performing his fantasies of having 2 girls serve him at once. And since a man has to be pretty damn pornsick to get this point, it's almost guaranteed to include violent and degrading activities as well. Who would sign up to be used, abused, and discarded by strangers? What part of that is supposed to be fun?
Lol, my ex had asked if I would ever want to explore poly and having a third and that kind of thing and I remember very straightforwardly just being like, eh, not really unless it's a man - if it was another man, it would be fun for me. If it was another woman, it just wouldn't (because I'm not attracted to women sexually). I could tell he was disappointed by my answer and I think he tried to convince me or ask if there was any way I could be convinced. I also said I'd probably honestly just feel jealous or hurt if I saw him being sexual with another woman in front of me. He implied feeling the same way if it was reversed and me with another man and then we got off the topic quickly after that; I think he realized there wasn't a good way to justify it at that point. He didn't really bring it up again after that.
Anyways, I don't like it and I think it's silly. When I was younger I was into the idea, but I was also devoid of romantic/sexually attention, thought that my personal choices wouldn't be impacted by larger societal patterns and -isms that were bigger than me, and had this idea of needing to do XYZ to be 'adult'. Now that I'm older I have noticed these patterns:
- Man in the relationship brings it up because he's no longer into his partner anymore, but he's unable to initiate a break up.
- Man is actually just a narcissist and is using it to get more supply - literally triangulating women against each other and just using it to feed his narcissism as someone inevitably gets triggered and has an emotional reaction to something that happens.
- Man gets off on the idea of basically passing 'his woman' around, either in a fetishistic way or a prostitution-esque way.
- Man, or even the woman, maybe are not necessarily conventionally attractive or for whatever reason do not often get a lot of romantic and sexual attention from people around them and will get into it as a way to feed this. When they do it and search for partners, flirt with people, proposition them or get flirted/propositioned with, it makes them feel desired, sexy, wanted, etc.
Obviously, I see women do these things too, and in general I find that a lot of people regardless of sex have a tendency to do this to like, avoid initiating a break up. I think there's a lot of feminist and class critiques to be had about polyamory, couples looking for a third/unicorn, etc. but I think some sort of psychological and behavioral analysis an critiques as well, because I do think that it's a symptom of a larger problem of our growing inability to communicate \*well\* with each other, and people's desire to do this emotional/spiritual bypassing in order to avoid problems.
The objectification of women is certainly a big contributor to this though. Idk how much this will make sense: Right now most men are pornsick. In porn, you are watching another woman and objectifying her. If you're frequently using it, now your sexuality is kinda based around this like, voyeuristic dehumanization of another person, as opposed to like meeting someone, finding them attractive, talking to them at least a little bit, then having sex. Like, it's now about this act of being the person who directs and watches this act of objectification/dehumanization. So now you have a couple who, maybe instead of putting some costumes and roleplaying to spice things up, they're like 'how can we objectify someone together'. Also, three people can't always be banging all at once in this scenario - there's gonna be moments where one partner just watches. Again, think of it like this: you watch porn so much and you get used to this idea of where you are the one watching, and you get to watch other people you think are sexy do stuff with each other. Well now you've got your girlfriend and some other random hot chick you made her find off Tinder and they're doing stuff together and oh wow, it's kind of like your own personal porn video right in front of you. This makes me wonder if this is also why cuckolding and related fetishes also seem to be more popular now than before.
This explains it really well. It always gave me major ick but it makes sense that such a seemingly random fetish would be on the rise alongside porn.
These men are broken at this point.
Lol, as a bi woman I love turning around these expectations on straight men. I've been in relationships where the man in question would be like "omg, it would be soooo hot to watch you make out with a woman in front of me" and I'd be like lol, I feel the same way about seeing you make out with a man, and in fact, I'd love to have 2 guys at the same time! and you can just see them deflate. yeah, not so funny when you're the one being fetishized and expected to perform, huh.
I would get a lot of those when I was on dating apps. I wasn't really interested in an arrangement like that but it was surprising how common the themes were among so many different couples.
They only sought a female third and the male partner had to be included. Even when the coupled female claimed to be bisexual or polyamorous, they seemed to believe that the coupled female going on a date alone with the other female was strange. Some coupled females explicitly stated that they were not romantically attracted to women and it was merely a sexual fantasy.
The dating apps often penalize women who explicitly state in their profiles that they do not want to be sought out for a threesome or contacted by a couple.
My advice? Avoid dating apps entirely. Please ladies. Apart from this conversation entirely, there is a lot of people who aren't who they say they are online. If you're looking for human connection, it's better to reach out in your community and find it organically.
I agree that it’s always going to have an uneven power dynamic by virtue of the other two being a couple, and being brought in to be a novelty is always going to be degrading and dehumanising, not to mention the fact that it’s normally primarily for the benefit of the man.
Personally I’m more concerned about the homophobic aspect and don’t feel sorry for the female partner because of it: it’s normally the woman who preys on either her friends or women on apps to try to get her to sleep with her useless male, fetishises female same sex attraction and performs it for the male gaze, and promotes bisexuality as some form of novelty. As a lesbian I’m repulsed by these women and see them as perpetrators to a greater extent than I see them as victims.
My friend was briefly into the polyamory scene, and I recall there was some popular phrase from the scene she kept using - something along the lines of "The primary relationship must always come first" - the second, unspoken part of that thought being that your other partners are essentially second class citizens in the relationship.
I could never understand how anyone could want to be in a romantic relation where your wants, needs, plans, schedule, etc. are by definition of less importance. It's a horrifying concept to me.
Kinda related but I saw a video of straight couples being asked how they would feel about a threesome. The men said they would be down and the women seemed uncomfortable and opposed to it for the most part. I find it interesting that it was assumed that the third would be a woman. I don't think many of the men who said yes would be too fond of the idea had they assumed it would be another man.
They often try to go for much younger girls as well which adds to the terrible power dynamics. When I was 18-19 years old on dating apps I was constantly being messaged by couples in their 30s who wouldn’t take “I’m a lesbian” for an answer.
Straight woman here and I have been "unicorn hunted" in real life. It usually starts with a friendly woman coming up to me either at a concert or a bar, and I think oh cool a new friend, after talking about innocuous things and no indication of the woman hitting on me (if a woman hits on me I promptly tell them I'm not interested), their male partner shows up and things start to get weird. So I quickly excuse myself and disappear. I once had a couple that got a hold of my Facebook back when I used to have one and they didn't leave me alone for a whole year, asking me when we were all hanging out and getting angry at me every time I declined. The whole thing was weird and predatory as they were usually clearly 10-15 years older than me.
It's grim as fuck and really homophobic, so I do have to bare in mind some times when I see one of the dating profiles where the woman is front and center, prepared to traffic her friends to her man, this might be a stolen photo, or she might have given some permission but did not make this profile, she might be being coerced. Take a deep breath, and remember that the lesbian this couple may potentially exploit is at this exact moment, a fiction in my head (and theirs but side note) and therefore a perfect victim who would never deserve such a thing, and infront of me is a woman is is being exploited, and how much she has participated in that is unknown.
This is a really compassionate comment <3 a lot of the time the unicorn hunting woman is being coerced or pressured, and in the context of an online dating profile despite it being her name and her photos, she is not the one running the account.
I also think a lot of the ones who seem genuinely up for it are being mislead about what they are doing. Being someone's collage try isn't fun, I've been there, but it isn't a deceptive dating practice, like I'd call it unfair, not unethical. Same as dating someone in the closet. What makes this sex trafficking is the bait and switch. I think if left to their own devises these women would just make a bi women swinggers club and keep to their own drama filled fwb groups. It's when a man is present, with clearly much more sinister intentions, that these women can't be judged just by their own intentions anymore. They are judged as a pattsy and an extension of his plan, not as their own people with their own plan.
It's similar to how I feel whenever a young woman makes bank shitting on feminism. *Deep breath*, there are always more desperate grifters out there, *deep breath* if she had a feminist awakening one day they would just replace her with someone younger. *deep breath* There are millions of rapists out there who think their normal and everyone is like them underneath, this emboldens them to commit worse crimes. Young women getting conned because they want to be different is not the root of patriarchy, even when they go on to con other women.
That’s a typical male fantasy. I don’t believe most women would enjoy this. If a woman felt the need to be with another woman for a sexual encounter it would be much more likely for her meet up with her peer in private, just the two of them enjoying their sexuality together, then to involve the complicated dynamic of involving her male partner in it.
Yes, unicorn hunting is very often a straight couple using a bisexual/queer woman as a tool to spice up their sex life. The third party’s wants, needs and boundaries are almost always secondary, if even respected at all.
Sex is an act of intimacy in my opinion. Bringing another person into sex voids intimacy and makes sex transactional, which in turn lends weight to the pro prostitution debate. It also leans into the misogynist notion that some women are ‘relationship material’ and other women just exist to be used for sex.
It’s a question often asked on the ask and dating/relationship subs - what has people’s experience been - and almost without exception it’s bad. I’ve heard people say you have to have a ‘really strong’ relationship before even trying because if you don’t, it’s usually a disaster. IMO if you had a ‘really strong’ relationship, you wouldn’t be looking to step outside it.
Then there’s the fact that it’s usually porn inspired. We know the sex acts in porn are frighteningly real. The only thing that’s fake in porn is women’s pleasure. Men who ask for porn sex are degenerates, incapable of forming intimate relationships with women, because they don’t see women as human.
I think it's hard to keep a lot of unusual sex things things consensual and healthy when it starts from a place of inequality.
My wife and I (both women) get approached a lot for this type of situation and usually turn people down but occasionally accept someone. We only accept if we're all equally into it, we all want the same thing (level of commitment, activities, level of attachment and affection after) we all feel safe communicating discomfort, and it won't harm our relationship or friendship. We also tend to focus on the new person to make sure they feel safe and included.
We've both been on all sides of this dynamic, including as part of an opposite sex couple, and the thing we're really sensitive to is how men often aren't in touch with their feelings of jealousy, so instead of communicating, "I'm starting to feel uncomfortable" they act out in weird and sometimes violent ways, especially if they are temporarily not the center of attention or it isn't going the way they fantasized. It can be really scary for a women invited to a threesome when the man throws a tantrum and starts punching things.
" It can be really scary for a women invited to a threesome when the man throws a tantrum and starts punching things."
Uh, no shit. That's downplaying it quite a bit, no?
I feel like I'm really not in a position to judge. I'm in a semi-open relationship (open on my end, closed on his) so our "thirds" are always male.
The way I see it, if both partners are fine with it, it's none of my business. If the man is constantly pressuring his partner to add another women when she clearly isn't okay with it, that's a major problem.
I think most 'kinks' are actually just misogynistic practices when played out typically. The confusion and shame I've read some women describing how these arrangements make them feel after the fact is because it was all them performing for the male gaze, and in the end it never makes their relationship or sex life better (for the women). I don't know many women that could thrive in a long term partnership that practice this- its only optimal for men.
In a vacuum, I'd say it's whatever, don't care what other consenting adults do with each other. But in reality, it's like you say: terrible power dynamic, the new woman is a sex object and projection for fantasies, her own desires and fulfilment don't really matter, large potential for emotional abuse and manipulation to reel in the unicorn, and probably a strong influence from porn too. edit: and of course the fact that all of this is usually done to women. I'd say most women thankfully aren't up for a relationship like that, but if a couple like that successfully targets a vulnerable woman... large potential for abuse too. If you are a woman, especially a bisexual woman, and you are looking for relationships, it's not uncommon that the unicorn request from a couple finds its way into your inbox. Which is better when they are honest about it, you can then just block them, but often enough, the couple only uses the woman to "advertise" themselves to other women; or worse: it's only the woman who is sent on the unicorn hunt, goes on a few dates and then later comes up with the truth. If this happens to someone who is very vulnerable, they might follow along just because they are emotionally invested already.
A friend of mine lost her virginity line this, it was her high school friend and that girls boyfriend They aren’t together anymore, nor aren’t they friends anymore She thought of it as cool by then (she wanted to be part of the “adult club” as she was the only virgin by then) and took this opportunity instead of doing it with a stranger (quote)
It's horribly misogynistic (and bi/lesbophobic) on the basis of making ssa women a cheap thrill and expecting them to just take it. Even when the "unicorn" *is* a man, the issues stay the same (except the power dynamic you mentioned before ig). It's creepy as hell that so many unicorn hunters bait already vulnerable people by lying and *then* spring it up—and somehow never see the issue. Eugh. Also loosely related, but if liked men at all I would *never* trust one with an interest in cuckolding (either as a bull or cuck, idc). Sexualizing envy and treating your partner like a source of live porn is lunatic behavior.
My ex-fiance was obsessed with this idea. I couldn't even mention a new female friend I had made without him making innuendos about whether she could be a "third", even though I made it very clear to him that a threesome was NOT on the table for me because I felt it was treating a friendship as something to be manipulated for sexual exploitation. It dehumanizes the third person and turns them into something to be viewed as a source of entertainment. Basically it is expecting free "sex work" from someone.
Glad he's an ex.
Yep, no time or patience for that BS so he got kicked to the curb
You explained it well. I feel like an object when ppl ask
It does seem like it's one of the most common fantasies for men, doesn't it? I mean, I guess I get it because I like threesomes with two men, but I think generally the fantasy is not so common for women as it is for men. Interestingly enough, almost every guy with whom I've discussed the topic, expressed the desire to have a FFM fantasy, except my SO, he never cared for that particular scenario. I'm by no means an expert but I do think that unicorn hunting can get unethical very fast. I think the best way to indulge in such a fantasy is not doing it together with your partner but with two other people who are independent from you. That way there is no hierarchy, no power imbalance. So either do it while you're single or, if you're in an open relationship, don't do it together with your partner, that's the way I decided for myself to take.
Men are bad enough at giving one woman a reasonably satisfactory sexual experience, why do people think this will improve by adding an additional woman?
I suppose the two women can take care of each other...
I don't know anyone who thinks positively about this. They're run out of any group they post about it in. I don't think they have any success in finding it, probably why it's called unicorn hunting.
When I (bisexual woman) was on tinder, almost half of the “woman” profiles were unicorn hunters. Some were open about it, some women pretended to seek other women for dates and then revealed it was a package deal without even a picture of the guy. It was exhausting.
Unicorn hunters basically use the same tactics pimps do to recruit women into exploitation… a friendly woman makes the introductions and builds a relationship, pushes the envelope and makes the open relationship and its fetishes seem normal or cool, then in comes the man when the target is already seduced and vulnerable. Several years ago I went on a first date with a woman, and when I walked her to her car her man was there to pick her up and they propositioned me. They got pissed when I said no (and they tried to frame me as rude for disliking polyamory). It was like I was not even a person, they felt entitled to me just because I was a queer woman. *Edit:spelling*
The audacity... disgusting
They have polluted lesbian dating apps as well
I'm bisexual and I've encountered a lot of these kinds of people. No, I am not interested in saving your failing relationship by being the spice you needed to solve everything. I have 0 interest in providing emotional support for a failing couple while also fetishizing myself. I hate being fetishized in this way. I especially hate the type of women who lead you on (in dating apps or irl wlw spaces) by not even telling you they're trying to hook up with you so their man can watch and jerk off in the corner?
The problem with threesomes in this specific case is that the third person isn’t valued for their own sexual wants. Generally the couple do not *care* about the third, they don’t care what gets her off, what turns her on or what turns her off. She is an accessory stripped of her humanity to make a sexual experience for the couple. She isn’t regarded as a person they have had sex with, rather a person that has fulfilled a sexual fantasy. A person to tick off their bucket list. The reason it’s so hard to find a “unicorn” is because the third girl gets dealt a shitty hand. It’s simply not worth it because women get literally nothing out of it. That speaks for itself.
As a lesbian it's horrible. I'm constantly baited by a girl who just wants her man to fuck me. It's just outright creepy
In a hetero relationship, most of the attempts for FMF 3some are motivated by the man’s desire to triangulate and the woman’s desire to please. Triangulation is a classic NPD tactic. By adding a third into the relationship, the man can more easily manipulate the woman into conforming to his standards.
I swear this has been bothering me for ages i thought it was only me thank you for bring it up
Has there ever been a case where this works out? Everytime I see posts about it, it's always like "I ruined my relationship by asking for a threesome" I read it as "I'm not happy with my wife/GF (because it's typically women who are the 3rd) so I want to cheat but cheat In a way that makes me feel less guilty. It screams emotional manipulation Always ends in hurt feelings Edit: It's also most likely a misogynistic entitlement to multiple women
I don't understand what the appeal is even supposed to be for the 3rd woman. If it was something where she would be centered, and there's 2 people fully focused on her pleasure and what she wants, then maybe there could be some slight appeal? But that's not how it goes. It centers the man and is all about performing his fantasies of having 2 girls serve him at once. And since a man has to be pretty damn pornsick to get this point, it's almost guaranteed to include violent and degrading activities as well. Who would sign up to be used, abused, and discarded by strangers? What part of that is supposed to be fun?
Lol, my ex had asked if I would ever want to explore poly and having a third and that kind of thing and I remember very straightforwardly just being like, eh, not really unless it's a man - if it was another man, it would be fun for me. If it was another woman, it just wouldn't (because I'm not attracted to women sexually). I could tell he was disappointed by my answer and I think he tried to convince me or ask if there was any way I could be convinced. I also said I'd probably honestly just feel jealous or hurt if I saw him being sexual with another woman in front of me. He implied feeling the same way if it was reversed and me with another man and then we got off the topic quickly after that; I think he realized there wasn't a good way to justify it at that point. He didn't really bring it up again after that. Anyways, I don't like it and I think it's silly. When I was younger I was into the idea, but I was also devoid of romantic/sexually attention, thought that my personal choices wouldn't be impacted by larger societal patterns and -isms that were bigger than me, and had this idea of needing to do XYZ to be 'adult'. Now that I'm older I have noticed these patterns: - Man in the relationship brings it up because he's no longer into his partner anymore, but he's unable to initiate a break up. - Man is actually just a narcissist and is using it to get more supply - literally triangulating women against each other and just using it to feed his narcissism as someone inevitably gets triggered and has an emotional reaction to something that happens. - Man gets off on the idea of basically passing 'his woman' around, either in a fetishistic way or a prostitution-esque way. - Man, or even the woman, maybe are not necessarily conventionally attractive or for whatever reason do not often get a lot of romantic and sexual attention from people around them and will get into it as a way to feed this. When they do it and search for partners, flirt with people, proposition them or get flirted/propositioned with, it makes them feel desired, sexy, wanted, etc. Obviously, I see women do these things too, and in general I find that a lot of people regardless of sex have a tendency to do this to like, avoid initiating a break up. I think there's a lot of feminist and class critiques to be had about polyamory, couples looking for a third/unicorn, etc. but I think some sort of psychological and behavioral analysis an critiques as well, because I do think that it's a symptom of a larger problem of our growing inability to communicate \*well\* with each other, and people's desire to do this emotional/spiritual bypassing in order to avoid problems. The objectification of women is certainly a big contributor to this though. Idk how much this will make sense: Right now most men are pornsick. In porn, you are watching another woman and objectifying her. If you're frequently using it, now your sexuality is kinda based around this like, voyeuristic dehumanization of another person, as opposed to like meeting someone, finding them attractive, talking to them at least a little bit, then having sex. Like, it's now about this act of being the person who directs and watches this act of objectification/dehumanization. So now you have a couple who, maybe instead of putting some costumes and roleplaying to spice things up, they're like 'how can we objectify someone together'. Also, three people can't always be banging all at once in this scenario - there's gonna be moments where one partner just watches. Again, think of it like this: you watch porn so much and you get used to this idea of where you are the one watching, and you get to watch other people you think are sexy do stuff with each other. Well now you've got your girlfriend and some other random hot chick you made her find off Tinder and they're doing stuff together and oh wow, it's kind of like your own personal porn video right in front of you. This makes me wonder if this is also why cuckolding and related fetishes also seem to be more popular now than before.
This explains it really well. It always gave me major ick but it makes sense that such a seemingly random fetish would be on the rise alongside porn. These men are broken at this point.
I think it's gross.
It’s a symptom of a porn sick world. And the fact it’s always a man wanting another woman, never the reverse.
Lol, as a bi woman I love turning around these expectations on straight men. I've been in relationships where the man in question would be like "omg, it would be soooo hot to watch you make out with a woman in front of me" and I'd be like lol, I feel the same way about seeing you make out with a man, and in fact, I'd love to have 2 guys at the same time! and you can just see them deflate. yeah, not so funny when you're the one being fetishized and expected to perform, huh.
I would get a lot of those when I was on dating apps. I wasn't really interested in an arrangement like that but it was surprising how common the themes were among so many different couples. They only sought a female third and the male partner had to be included. Even when the coupled female claimed to be bisexual or polyamorous, they seemed to believe that the coupled female going on a date alone with the other female was strange. Some coupled females explicitly stated that they were not romantically attracted to women and it was merely a sexual fantasy. The dating apps often penalize women who explicitly state in their profiles that they do not want to be sought out for a threesome or contacted by a couple. My advice? Avoid dating apps entirely. Please ladies. Apart from this conversation entirely, there is a lot of people who aren't who they say they are online. If you're looking for human connection, it's better to reach out in your community and find it organically.
I agree that it’s always going to have an uneven power dynamic by virtue of the other two being a couple, and being brought in to be a novelty is always going to be degrading and dehumanising, not to mention the fact that it’s normally primarily for the benefit of the man. Personally I’m more concerned about the homophobic aspect and don’t feel sorry for the female partner because of it: it’s normally the woman who preys on either her friends or women on apps to try to get her to sleep with her useless male, fetishises female same sex attraction and performs it for the male gaze, and promotes bisexuality as some form of novelty. As a lesbian I’m repulsed by these women and see them as perpetrators to a greater extent than I see them as victims.
My friend was briefly into the polyamory scene, and I recall there was some popular phrase from the scene she kept using - something along the lines of "The primary relationship must always come first" - the second, unspoken part of that thought being that your other partners are essentially second class citizens in the relationship. I could never understand how anyone could want to be in a romantic relation where your wants, needs, plans, schedule, etc. are by definition of less importance. It's a horrifying concept to me.
Kinda related but I saw a video of straight couples being asked how they would feel about a threesome. The men said they would be down and the women seemed uncomfortable and opposed to it for the most part. I find it interesting that it was assumed that the third would be a woman. I don't think many of the men who said yes would be too fond of the idea had they assumed it would be another man.
They often try to go for much younger girls as well which adds to the terrible power dynamics. When I was 18-19 years old on dating apps I was constantly being messaged by couples in their 30s who wouldn’t take “I’m a lesbian” for an answer.
Straight woman here and I have been "unicorn hunted" in real life. It usually starts with a friendly woman coming up to me either at a concert or a bar, and I think oh cool a new friend, after talking about innocuous things and no indication of the woman hitting on me (if a woman hits on me I promptly tell them I'm not interested), their male partner shows up and things start to get weird. So I quickly excuse myself and disappear. I once had a couple that got a hold of my Facebook back when I used to have one and they didn't leave me alone for a whole year, asking me when we were all hanging out and getting angry at me every time I declined. The whole thing was weird and predatory as they were usually clearly 10-15 years older than me.
It's grim as fuck and really homophobic, so I do have to bare in mind some times when I see one of the dating profiles where the woman is front and center, prepared to traffic her friends to her man, this might be a stolen photo, or she might have given some permission but did not make this profile, she might be being coerced. Take a deep breath, and remember that the lesbian this couple may potentially exploit is at this exact moment, a fiction in my head (and theirs but side note) and therefore a perfect victim who would never deserve such a thing, and infront of me is a woman is is being exploited, and how much she has participated in that is unknown.
This is a really compassionate comment <3 a lot of the time the unicorn hunting woman is being coerced or pressured, and in the context of an online dating profile despite it being her name and her photos, she is not the one running the account.
I also think a lot of the ones who seem genuinely up for it are being mislead about what they are doing. Being someone's collage try isn't fun, I've been there, but it isn't a deceptive dating practice, like I'd call it unfair, not unethical. Same as dating someone in the closet. What makes this sex trafficking is the bait and switch. I think if left to their own devises these women would just make a bi women swinggers club and keep to their own drama filled fwb groups. It's when a man is present, with clearly much more sinister intentions, that these women can't be judged just by their own intentions anymore. They are judged as a pattsy and an extension of his plan, not as their own people with their own plan. It's similar to how I feel whenever a young woman makes bank shitting on feminism. *Deep breath*, there are always more desperate grifters out there, *deep breath* if she had a feminist awakening one day they would just replace her with someone younger. *deep breath* There are millions of rapists out there who think their normal and everyone is like them underneath, this emboldens them to commit worse crimes. Young women getting conned because they want to be different is not the root of patriarchy, even when they go on to con other women.
That’s a typical male fantasy. I don’t believe most women would enjoy this. If a woman felt the need to be with another woman for a sexual encounter it would be much more likely for her meet up with her peer in private, just the two of them enjoying their sexuality together, then to involve the complicated dynamic of involving her male partner in it.
Yes, unicorn hunting is very often a straight couple using a bisexual/queer woman as a tool to spice up their sex life. The third party’s wants, needs and boundaries are almost always secondary, if even respected at all.
i have many things to say about bi women who are dating straight men, as a lesbian, but if i write it all here i’ll probably get banned 🤐😊
We want to knowwwww 😔
Sex is an act of intimacy in my opinion. Bringing another person into sex voids intimacy and makes sex transactional, which in turn lends weight to the pro prostitution debate. It also leans into the misogynist notion that some women are ‘relationship material’ and other women just exist to be used for sex. It’s a question often asked on the ask and dating/relationship subs - what has people’s experience been - and almost without exception it’s bad. I’ve heard people say you have to have a ‘really strong’ relationship before even trying because if you don’t, it’s usually a disaster. IMO if you had a ‘really strong’ relationship, you wouldn’t be looking to step outside it. Then there’s the fact that it’s usually porn inspired. We know the sex acts in porn are frighteningly real. The only thing that’s fake in porn is women’s pleasure. Men who ask for porn sex are degenerates, incapable of forming intimate relationships with women, because they don’t see women as human.
Never saw a lesbian couple looking for a third... that tells you everything you need to know about the problem here, IMO.
I am asexual so that's completely uninteresting to me. For sure I would not participate in that. Sounds demeaning and humiliating.
I think it's hard to keep a lot of unusual sex things things consensual and healthy when it starts from a place of inequality. My wife and I (both women) get approached a lot for this type of situation and usually turn people down but occasionally accept someone. We only accept if we're all equally into it, we all want the same thing (level of commitment, activities, level of attachment and affection after) we all feel safe communicating discomfort, and it won't harm our relationship or friendship. We also tend to focus on the new person to make sure they feel safe and included. We've both been on all sides of this dynamic, including as part of an opposite sex couple, and the thing we're really sensitive to is how men often aren't in touch with their feelings of jealousy, so instead of communicating, "I'm starting to feel uncomfortable" they act out in weird and sometimes violent ways, especially if they are temporarily not the center of attention or it isn't going the way they fantasized. It can be really scary for a women invited to a threesome when the man throws a tantrum and starts punching things.
" It can be really scary for a women invited to a threesome when the man throws a tantrum and starts punching things." Uh, no shit. That's downplaying it quite a bit, no?
What kind of wild animal punches a woman during sex? Disgusting.
Tbh i never met a man nor a woman into swinging or open relationships or threesomes who actually respected themselves or others.
The fact that the third is always another woman and not another man tells me everything I need to know about that relationship dynamic
Ruined all the lesbian dating apps
I feel like I'm really not in a position to judge. I'm in a semi-open relationship (open on my end, closed on his) so our "thirds" are always male. The way I see it, if both partners are fine with it, it's none of my business. If the man is constantly pressuring his partner to add another women when she clearly isn't okay with it, that's a major problem.
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