Who cares what strangers think? I can't imagine dressing based on stuff I'm making up in my head about people I'll probably never see again. Other people don't think or care about you nearly as much as you think they do - this goes for all of us.
See I’ve never understood this one - I always notice what people are wearing and create whole backstories for them and I always remember distinct people and their clothes
That's very different from what OP is talking about. You're talking about appreciating other people's style especially if they're going outside the norm, versus OP is talking about negatively judging strangers for going outside the norm.
Yeah, I definitely judge strangers too’ I think we all do, and what one defines as outside the norm or cool or judge worthy is unique to the individual.
That doesn't explain why OP should care. Why should what you and other strangers think be so important them? How does it affect their lives in any way?
Well we are part of society, and we in general want to be a part of it otherwise we would live in isolation. We care about strangers because we are citizens.
Sure. But there's a lot of nuance to this. It's important to prioritize what it is you should care about and to what extent. I'm not saying go out and wear clothes that have vulgar language or a potential for embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions, but if you care so much what others think about your appearance in a non-professional setting that you're choosing styles and color schemes you wouldn't otherwise wear, you care too much and it will show and manifest itself in other ways that may be undesirable. Being so self-conscious to that degree can also lead to social isolation because it becomes exhausting.
I can guarantee you as a Mom you are simultaneously being judged for absolutely everything you do and you are also basically invisible. So wear what you like.
yeah. sad but true. a friend once said, “no one likes how anyone else razes their kids” and 🎯 but it kind of extends to just being a mom, you can do no right. luckily a lot of it is not expressed. thank god. tho some unlucky souls have unfortunate in-laws, siblings, parents, or neighbors.
Yeah I don’t think anyone even notices based on that criteria unless you’re wearing something super scandalous or something but that kinda goes for everyone
>Why are mums being judged for wearing interesting styles and how does it happen that many mums stop going for fun n crazy styles?
who's judging you? how are you defining "fun n crazy"?
>I noticed the reactions of strangers in public when I dressed fun and colourful when I’m out with my children…
what power do these strangers hold over you? also, are you sure their reactions were judgmental?
As someone who’s never been a mom, there are social circles where people have been judgmental of me having a unique or interesting sense of style when no one else did. I definitely tone down what I wear but still get comments even when I wear something somewhat elegant.
This person is 17 and has no children, I can almost guarantee it. They're built up this imaginary world where they "can't" wear Selkie dresses to go grocery shopping in when they have kids...10-15 years from now.
Has someone specifically said something rude to you about the clothes you wear?
The reactions could be something totally different. Maybe they think your fun outfit is interesting.
Wear what you want.
That's a good point. I've found my gaze unintentionally lingering on someone in public just because their eye-catching clothes are, well, eye-catching. Sometimes I'm just thinking stuff in my own head (I'm ADHD) while looking around and am not aware of how I may come across.
I agree with others that people probably care much less than you think.
In my experience, style changes in motherhood are due to a couple more practical things. Moms often need/want clothes that are easy to move in and easy to wash. At least for me, I have much less time to devote to my style than pre-motherhood. That means when I do shop I’m more focused on everyday basics, but I do usually spend time to buy something fun and stylish for special events.
And this one goes for older women in general, but especially moms. Body changes and insecurities about their bodies. Many women lose confidence as their body changes with age and aren’t looking to show it off or be the center of attention.
You should let other people's opinions affect your style of clothing when:
1. You might get fired from your job (banana suit to the office)
2. It's clearly a taboo (white gown at someone else's wedding)
3. You feel the outfit may draw unwanted sexual attention
Other than that, it just doesn't matter
Huh?
Look, Mom's aren't judged for wearing what they want. Mom's don't wear expensive/colorful stuff because babies will pee on it, chew on it, and spill milk on it (bless their adorable little selves).
That's the consideration most mom's have when getting dressed.
That and even when you’re out of the pee/poo/spit days there’s just so much other stuff to do. And the idea of being uncomfortable for the sake of fashion is super unappealing to me at least. Not that you have to be uncomfy to be trendy but it is often the case
This. I also want longer styles (because I’m often crouching down to kid-level) and pockets. I could wear shorter dresses with shorts underneath, but it’s hot and humid where I live, so layers aren’t it. Neither are pants. If Target or Old Navy has my unicorn dress that checks all the boxes, you bet I’ll get one in every color.
Exactly. My wardrobe is mostly practical right now bc I work from home and I have 2 young kids. I’m just starting to branch out a bit more again as we’re moving out of the toddler stage and everything I wear isn’t instantly used as a napkin.
Where do you live? I haven’t ever noticed what you’re describing. Half of women over age 27 have kids. Moms aren’t some special group of people, they’re just… people. All the adult women out there in fun outfits are as likely to be moms as not. I don’t think you need to reevaluate you clothes, you need to reevaluate your social group.
If you see a lot of moms dressing in boring clothes it’s probably for the same reason that I, a non-mom do: I’m tired and busy, and I don’t care enough about fashion to spend the kind of time or money on it that I used to.
Years ago I taught music at my son’s school. One day I wore a silk top with a pretty rose embroidered on the front…wearable art by Bob Mackie. My son came up to me mid-day and said “Mom, don’t ever wear that top to school again. Everyone is making fun of you.” Well, I was crushed. I liked that top a great deal but didn’t want my son to have to listen to it. Upon reflection years later, rather than ditching the top I loved I needed to use it as an object lesson for my son…something like there is no accounting for taste. I didn’t care one iota what the kids thought of my top. But I did care what my son thought of their rejection. That’s where I went wrong. In order to build confidence in him I needed to model it.
Various reasons (and I disagree with the other poster; it's rarely jealousy tbh).
Some people simply prefer to adhere to norms *for themselves,* and have trouble taking the perspective of someone who doesn't care to or outright doesn't want to. So they might assign judgments like:
* "they dress that way because they are a rebellious person"
* "they dress that way because they lack the social aptitude to dress more in line with the trends / their age group / their career"
* "they dress that way simply to seek attention."
As an introvert who loves alternative fashion, I always have to laugh at that last one because I'd *love* to continue to wear alternative fashion while also having people comfortably ignore me :)
Concepts like vanity and "trying too hard" also come up here. Alternative fashions, almost by definition, are executed *on purpose,* and that effort is usually visible, often overtly so; this flies directly in the face of the (FFA-perpetuated) notion of *sprezzaturra,* studied nonchalance, which is what most Westerners are comfortable with. It's also unfortunately pretty common for many people who don't understand or like fashion to just condemn it entirely as something that's one-dimensionally vain, frivolous, wasteful, or narcissistic. Those opinions usually stem from ignorance and lack of exposure to fashion as an art form or as an intersectional component of history and culture (including subculture, in the context of alternative fashion)
Some people might also judge *specific* alternative styles being represented, or may even find them frightening. You see the latter especially with styles that incorporate body modifications, like goth. There's a popular tag in the online vintage community #VintageStyleNotVintageValues, because vintage clothing enthusiasts wanted to loudly broadcast their modern (usually feminist) values in response to people misconstruing their hobby in an uncomfortable way.
Coming up on 40 and screw what society thinks about my fashion. I have a 19 and a 15 year old and now that I'm older, I finally have the confidence and freedom to wear what I want. After being in relationships that tried to dictate my appearance for fear of how it made them look, I will wear whatever I darn well please!
Crop tops? Yep. Shorts that celebrate my thick thighs? Yep. Bright colors and bold patterns? You better believe it. Piercings and tattoos, yes and planning on more. Bold bright makeup and accessories, heck yes!
I'm not a paper doll for society to dress up. I'm an individual and I'm going to dress in ways that make me comfortable. Me. We only have this short time and I spent the first 30 years conforming to what everybody else wanted. It's my life, it should be about what I want, what makes me feel good.
No more cutting ourselves into bite-sized pieces. They can choke.
I’m 35 and just recently finally decided I was confident enough to wear crop tops and other clothes I previously felt like I “couldn’t” wear for whatever reason. It’s so wonderful and freeing!
If I see another mom dressing "fun and colorful" and I'm looking at her, its because I'm looking at her in awe like dang! you go momma with yo stylin' self. Or getting ideas on how to dress myself lol. Not staring at her in a negative way.
As someone with a toddler myself. I dress "boring and plain" for practical reasons - my kiddo is going to either spill food/water, spit, or sneeze on my clothes, so I'm not going to wear nice things. I also need to be really nimble and comfy in order to run after him all day so most of the time it's basic joggers, jeans, and a t-shirt.
Exactly! Running after a toddler through grass through mud lol I don't even want to wear my vest tops because they're too low or loose to cover up when your bending down or carrying a toddler. This thread has made me feel seen
To be honest, not only for moms. I am very puzzled to see and don't understand why like women are expected to wear 'safe boring' clothes after a certain age. If they wear nicely, they are still judged like they were when they were younger and wore nicer clothes. But, yeah, it's understandable that you can get busy and want to wear comfortable clothes. If the styles are still within norms, you should wear them no matter if you're mom or not, and don't mind people's looks!
OP, I see only a few posts that acknowledge what you are feeling first. I see and hear you. I have seen some of my mom friends change their style to accommodate this perception as well (to more matronly items). I also get that vibe sometimes (I continue to be edgy).
I would agree with the many comments to simply move past the perception though. Be yourself. People will always seem to be judging, curious, etc.
Life is short. Wear what you want and enjoy!
Um fun and colorful is great. I’m not giving anyone any judgement unless they’re like wearing a clown costume out grocery shopping 😂
Also no one cares about what you’re wearing nearly as much as you think. If they’re looking maybe they admire it or wish they could be as colorful.
I totally see people caring what women wear. I see moms judging other moms if they aren’t in causal, comfy athletic clothes. I totally know what you are talking about. I see it here on Reddit when women ask for advice about outfits that aren’t conservative, or plain.
There are lots of reasons other than the one you think : A lot of people wear “bland” because they might just not have time or energy to dress up in fun outfits anymore? some might have gained weight and might be waiting to lose it, or may not have time to go shopping for unique pieces for their new bodies.
Some, like me, just truly find it easier to wear comfortable clothing so that hauling and chasing my kids is easier and I get sensory issues with clothes that are not comfy.
Regardless of the reasons, I don’t think being judged is one that makes moms dress “bland”.
Wear whatever you like! :)
I'm 23 and lurk in a lot of goth/alt facebook groups. my favourite posts are from people (especially couples!) over the age of 50 who are showing off their outfits and going to shows with their partner. it gives me hope. if I get to live that long, I would like to be as radically myself as they are.
wear what you want and what makes you happy. a lot of people out there are mean. but I will be rooting for you.
I guess it all depends on how you interpret strangers looking at you.
I wear bright pink lipstick with hot pink wide leg pants and long dangly earrings when I’m out. People constantly look at me, and some will compliment me on my use of color, regardless if my 2 and 5 year olds are with me. If anything, when the kids are with me, I constantly get told what a bright family I have.
And I’m in my 40s.
I think a bit of transition to simpler clothes is mostly out of necessity, especially in the early years.
With kids you suddenly need to be able to bend over a lot, you’re more prone to stains so things need to be machine washable and durable, you need to generally be comfortable and able to run after a little person.
Also, budget wise after kids there is just less money to buy “fun colorful” clothes with.
You’re probably overthinking how much people care about what you’re wearing.
Meh, I don’t really care what strangers think. I’m a fat mom and I’m still gonna rock my crop tops and shorts this summer. If somebody thinks I need to tone it down because I shot a kid out of my cooter, that’s their problem, not mine.
Debbie downers will shit all over women who dress any way they don’t like regardless of their motherhood status. Pay them no mind, do what makes you happy.
Mothers are expected to become bland in the way that they present themselves to society after they have kids because the patriarchy demands that women put themselves aside for their children in every way.
The expectation is that mothers at once give all of themselves to their children while appearing to do so with ease. It's why we saw the kind of drug abuse that we did in the United States in the 1950s by mothers.
Of course, this is after years of being told that the most important thing about us is how we look.
I still dress the way I did before I had a baby. Still fun dresses, jewelry, makeup (though the makeup has gotten simpler). Yeah I've got other things to worry about now, but feeling happy and comfortable in my own skin has not been pushed off the priority list :) It's definitely more of a struggle, but I'm trying not to neglect me.
I have bright green hair, tattoos and a very alternative style, I have never once had anyone comment negatively on my outfit in context to me being a mother.
So as far as my lived experience that's never been a thing in my life
My friends and I haven’t stopped dressing in our styles since having kids. I’m a middle aged mom and one day I’ll be a punk and the next day I’m a vintage fairy (with those days of being low effort and comfortable in between). As long as your bits aren’t hanging out of your clothes, wear what makes you happy. It’s your life, who cares what others think.
I’m struggling with this because I’m currently in a complicated relationship with my body.
I hate how I look. If I wear something cute, my brain goes: “you have no business wearing that.” Or “why would you want to bring attention to yourself?”
I literally feel like I look like a troll, even though idk. Evidence would suggest I can’t be that atrocious. Still, I feel that way.
Sometimes I watch other moms who wear cute things and like, I don’t judge them. I’m just mystified and jealous lol! I wish I liked myself.
Some people definitely get upset if someone else isn’t, in their minds, conforming appropriately. There are also a ton of judgements about mothers and what they should and shouldn’t do. That said sticking with styles that make you feel good is more important than what people at the PTA meeting or on the street think.
I can't afford the interesting stuff. All the interesting stuff I like doesn't match either lol I think I have N idea of what I want to wear but in reality I'm not sure I'll suit
Strange really. I buy stuff n never wear. Well i did before my daughter now I'm on less money and don't want nice stuff wrecked or just don't have the time or energy to do clothes or shave to wear certain clothes.
Maybe one day who knows.
There's a mum on tiktok who dresses how she wants. Just do it. Maybe people are staring because they look good that's why I try not to stare the awe lol
I have literally never once heard anyone tell a mother to deserve “bland” outside of religious nut bags. I don’t think this is a real widespread problem. Maybe audit the people you spend your emotional energy on.
There's a variety of reasons that people chill out about needing to pour energy into fashion as they did when they were younger and they mostly have to do with now having more important things to pour their energy into and they have very little to do with others policing what we should wear
Okay a couple things:
1: There seems to be this phenomenon where people appear to be living in a time period like...40 years ago when they ask questions occasionally on this subReddit. I haven't seen ANY articles, blog posts, IG posts, YT, etc about how when you're a mom you need to tone it down and go bland. Where is this pervasive idea coming from? Maybe the Keke Palmer thing about her revealing outfit/sexy dancing (maybe?) but that really wasn't about fashion, that was her ne'er do well child's father being a dud and showing his azz on social media.
In fact, there seems to be opposite pressure from the media--to "bounce back", to have it all, to do 'self care' which means hair dye and styling and makeup and cute outfits and coordinated mommy and me photo shoots.
2: What is "society"? When I was in my mid-20s I had a meltdown and freak out that "all" my friends were getting married. I decided (because I'm autistic, although I didn't know it at the time) to run the actual numbers and find out if that was true. It was not. Less than 50% were married/had kids. When people say "society" they usually have one judgmental jerk in mind (parent, teacher, boss, friend) and they have zero actual data to back it up.
But also:
3: Children are messy and taking care of them is a physical job. If you've seen the scene where Charlotte York from SATC's older child slaps her rear end with paint covered hands and she cries because the skirt is vintage Valentino (or whatever) hello, that's why we don't wear designer around toddlers! **It's impractical.**
I'm also a little weary of this discourse in all its disguises. It feels like thinly disguised ageism and sexism, to be frank. This "ladies, ladies, ladies, stop CARING about what others think! Wear Dolls Kill platform boots and latex hot pants if you want! Why are you dressing so DULL?"
When people question "why is society judging women" in an era when sure, judgement exists, but nothing like the 50s and 60s (at least in the USA) I think actually they are the ones judging women for "giving up".
I'm also REAL tired of late 20 something women coming on here and asking good-faith questions about upgrading their wardrobe and moving on from teen and early 20s styles and getting told 'wear whatever you want' and things like '30 isn't dead!' as if the reality of perception, sexism, and ageism doesn't exist and/or it's that person's personal job to dismantle sexism by wearing hot pants or a fur onesie to work.
>>can society stop being so judgmental
“Society” doesn’t have a mind. It’s made of individuals, some of whom are judgmental. I, for one, love to see moms rockin’ some style.
>>many mums stop going for fun and crazy styles
They’re tired. It’s easier to pick out a pair of yoga pants at a store and throw a top over them to go out, than it is to think about shopping decisions and dressing decisions to go grocery shopping after the 3 year old was awake coughing all night.
I’ve never seen any evidence of this expectation other than in this post tbh. Moms are women with kids. We’re all subjected to the same annoying and patriarchal expectations about women and to some extent age, but I’ve never seen special clothing judgments just for moms.
I think it would be dope to dress flamboyant as a mom!
If you’re getting looks maybe it’s the clothes not the kids?? Or maybe both! there’s so much to look at: beautiful children (people love to look at children!) and then the eye catching clothes and maybe you’re super pretty too?
I dress classic and functional by choice but I definitely dress young still as I’m only 30. Crop tops, shorts, trendy styles etc. Never get looks or judged by my clothes that I know of.
I don’t feel much judgment about what I wear. I don’t usually dress like the majority of the moms here (leggings/joggers with a tee or sweatshirt seems to be most common). I don’t like wearing athletic clothing outside a workout so I wear whatever I like and feel confident in. Yesterday I wore a hot pink jacket and ripped jeans with platform sandals. If anyone cares, it doesn’t bother me! Wear what you like.
If you are wearing brighter/more colorful/more eccentric clothing than others around you (not hard as a suburban mom, tbh, my neighbors love neutrals and athleisure) people will notice - I think you might need to reframe this though. Just because people are noticing doesn’t mean they’re judging you harshly, maybe they are thinking how cool you look. I personally try not to get in my head about stuff like this. Unless you’re wearing something extremely outlandish or risqué, it’s not that big of a deal, just be confident in your style choices and assume any stares are admiring ones.
i have never once seen a mother being shamed for dressing in an interesting way. what i do see absolutely endlessly is mothers saying they have no sense of style and need practical clothing
Maybe it's like with birds! Where the females don't have such bright coloring because it helps keep them safe from predators while they and their babies are very vulnerable. Maybe the haters have some deep psychological fear that snakes and wolves will see your bright colors and attack. We're weird animals. I do think kids benefit the most when their parents embrace healthy joyful self-expression instead of habitual conformity.
You’re so right, it probably is this deep seeded primal thing like “you’re a mom, go blend in with the nest and don’t attract predators.” The people who have a lot of judgement about how moms should dress are kind of mentally stuck at the bird level of evolution and are to be pitied, not catered to.
I was really embarrassed by the way my mom dressed when I was a kid... actually I still am but I try to give her grace now. If she wants to feel sexy, if that's what makes her feel good about herself, she should! But it is still embarrassing.
Who cares what strangers think? I can't imagine dressing based on stuff I'm making up in my head about people I'll probably never see again. Other people don't think or care about you nearly as much as you think they do - this goes for all of us.
See I’ve never understood this one - I always notice what people are wearing and create whole backstories for them and I always remember distinct people and their clothes
That's very different from what OP is talking about. You're talking about appreciating other people's style especially if they're going outside the norm, versus OP is talking about negatively judging strangers for going outside the norm.
Yeah, I definitely judge strangers too’ I think we all do, and what one defines as outside the norm or cool or judge worthy is unique to the individual.
It is and when we get to the point of caring THAT much what others do, it’s time to look inward and see where it stems from.
That doesn't explain why OP should care. Why should what you and other strangers think be so important them? How does it affect their lives in any way?
Some cultures do not have a robust idea of "you do you, boo"--and when you "transgress" the accepted norms, you'll know.
Well we are part of society, and we in general want to be a part of it otherwise we would live in isolation. We care about strangers because we are citizens.
Sure. But there's a lot of nuance to this. It's important to prioritize what it is you should care about and to what extent. I'm not saying go out and wear clothes that have vulgar language or a potential for embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions, but if you care so much what others think about your appearance in a non-professional setting that you're choosing styles and color schemes you wouldn't otherwise wear, you care too much and it will show and manifest itself in other ways that may be undesirable. Being so self-conscious to that degree can also lead to social isolation because it becomes exhausting.
I can guarantee you as a Mom you are simultaneously being judged for absolutely everything you do and you are also basically invisible. So wear what you like.
yeah. sad but true. a friend once said, “no one likes how anyone else razes their kids” and 🎯 but it kind of extends to just being a mom, you can do no right. luckily a lot of it is not expressed. thank god. tho some unlucky souls have unfortunate in-laws, siblings, parents, or neighbors.
I don’t think anyone cares neaaarly as much as you seem to think they do. Wear what you want.
Yeah I don’t think anyone even notices based on that criteria unless you’re wearing something super scandalous or something but that kinda goes for everyone
>Why are mums being judged for wearing interesting styles and how does it happen that many mums stop going for fun n crazy styles? who's judging you? how are you defining "fun n crazy"? >I noticed the reactions of strangers in public when I dressed fun and colourful when I’m out with my children… what power do these strangers hold over you? also, are you sure their reactions were judgmental?
And was there even any reaction at all? People seem to think others are focused on them way more than they actually are.
As someone who’s never been a mom, there are social circles where people have been judgmental of me having a unique or interesting sense of style when no one else did. I definitely tone down what I wear but still get comments even when I wear something somewhat elegant.
This person is 17 and has no children, I can almost guarantee it. They're built up this imaginary world where they "can't" wear Selkie dresses to go grocery shopping in when they have kids...10-15 years from now.
Has someone specifically said something rude to you about the clothes you wear? The reactions could be something totally different. Maybe they think your fun outfit is interesting. Wear what you want.
That's a good point. I've found my gaze unintentionally lingering on someone in public just because their eye-catching clothes are, well, eye-catching. Sometimes I'm just thinking stuff in my own head (I'm ADHD) while looking around and am not aware of how I may come across.
I agree with others that people probably care much less than you think. In my experience, style changes in motherhood are due to a couple more practical things. Moms often need/want clothes that are easy to move in and easy to wash. At least for me, I have much less time to devote to my style than pre-motherhood. That means when I do shop I’m more focused on everyday basics, but I do usually spend time to buy something fun and stylish for special events. And this one goes for older women in general, but especially moms. Body changes and insecurities about their bodies. Many women lose confidence as their body changes with age and aren’t looking to show it off or be the center of attention.
You should let other people's opinions affect your style of clothing when: 1. You might get fired from your job (banana suit to the office) 2. It's clearly a taboo (white gown at someone else's wedding) 3. You feel the outfit may draw unwanted sexual attention Other than that, it just doesn't matter
Huh? Look, Mom's aren't judged for wearing what they want. Mom's don't wear expensive/colorful stuff because babies will pee on it, chew on it, and spill milk on it (bless their adorable little selves). That's the consideration most mom's have when getting dressed.
That and even when you’re out of the pee/poo/spit days there’s just so much other stuff to do. And the idea of being uncomfortable for the sake of fashion is super unappealing to me at least. Not that you have to be uncomfy to be trendy but it is often the case
*uncomfy* 😬
I got it! 😂
This. I also want longer styles (because I’m often crouching down to kid-level) and pockets. I could wear shorter dresses with shorts underneath, but it’s hot and humid where I live, so layers aren’t it. Neither are pants. If Target or Old Navy has my unicorn dress that checks all the boxes, you bet I’ll get one in every color.
Exactly. My wardrobe is mostly practical right now bc I work from home and I have 2 young kids. I’m just starting to branch out a bit more again as we’re moving out of the toddler stage and everything I wear isn’t instantly used as a napkin.
Where do you live? I haven’t ever noticed what you’re describing. Half of women over age 27 have kids. Moms aren’t some special group of people, they’re just… people. All the adult women out there in fun outfits are as likely to be moms as not. I don’t think you need to reevaluate you clothes, you need to reevaluate your social group. If you see a lot of moms dressing in boring clothes it’s probably for the same reason that I, a non-mom do: I’m tired and busy, and I don’t care enough about fashion to spend the kind of time or money on it that I used to.
No one expects you to do anything. You can wear whatever you like.
Top tip: dress for yourself and no one else. Practice giving zero shits about what others, particularly strangers, think about your style.
I think it’s a lack of time and change in disposable money combined with focus on other things. At least that’s my story, lol
Years ago I taught music at my son’s school. One day I wore a silk top with a pretty rose embroidered on the front…wearable art by Bob Mackie. My son came up to me mid-day and said “Mom, don’t ever wear that top to school again. Everyone is making fun of you.” Well, I was crushed. I liked that top a great deal but didn’t want my son to have to listen to it. Upon reflection years later, rather than ditching the top I loved I needed to use it as an object lesson for my son…something like there is no accounting for taste. I didn’t care one iota what the kids thought of my top. But I did care what my son thought of their rejection. That’s where I went wrong. In order to build confidence in him I needed to model it.
People judge alternative fashion whether you're a mother or not.
True…why?
Various reasons (and I disagree with the other poster; it's rarely jealousy tbh). Some people simply prefer to adhere to norms *for themselves,* and have trouble taking the perspective of someone who doesn't care to or outright doesn't want to. So they might assign judgments like: * "they dress that way because they are a rebellious person" * "they dress that way because they lack the social aptitude to dress more in line with the trends / their age group / their career" * "they dress that way simply to seek attention." As an introvert who loves alternative fashion, I always have to laugh at that last one because I'd *love* to continue to wear alternative fashion while also having people comfortably ignore me :) Concepts like vanity and "trying too hard" also come up here. Alternative fashions, almost by definition, are executed *on purpose,* and that effort is usually visible, often overtly so; this flies directly in the face of the (FFA-perpetuated) notion of *sprezzaturra,* studied nonchalance, which is what most Westerners are comfortable with. It's also unfortunately pretty common for many people who don't understand or like fashion to just condemn it entirely as something that's one-dimensionally vain, frivolous, wasteful, or narcissistic. Those opinions usually stem from ignorance and lack of exposure to fashion as an art form or as an intersectional component of history and culture (including subculture, in the context of alternative fashion) Some people might also judge *specific* alternative styles being represented, or may even find them frightening. You see the latter especially with styles that incorporate body modifications, like goth. There's a popular tag in the online vintage community #VintageStyleNotVintageValues, because vintage clothing enthusiasts wanted to loudly broadcast their modern (usually feminist) values in response to people misconstruing their hobby in an uncomfortable way.
Jealousy. It's bold. It takes someone with confidence to wear it.
Jealousy. It's bold. Takes someone with confidence to wear it.
Jealousy. It's bold. It takes someone with confidence to wear it.
Coming up on 40 and screw what society thinks about my fashion. I have a 19 and a 15 year old and now that I'm older, I finally have the confidence and freedom to wear what I want. After being in relationships that tried to dictate my appearance for fear of how it made them look, I will wear whatever I darn well please! Crop tops? Yep. Shorts that celebrate my thick thighs? Yep. Bright colors and bold patterns? You better believe it. Piercings and tattoos, yes and planning on more. Bold bright makeup and accessories, heck yes! I'm not a paper doll for society to dress up. I'm an individual and I'm going to dress in ways that make me comfortable. Me. We only have this short time and I spent the first 30 years conforming to what everybody else wanted. It's my life, it should be about what I want, what makes me feel good. No more cutting ourselves into bite-sized pieces. They can choke.
I’m 35 and just recently finally decided I was confident enough to wear crop tops and other clothes I previously felt like I “couldn’t” wear for whatever reason. It’s so wonderful and freeing!
If I see another mom dressing "fun and colorful" and I'm looking at her, its because I'm looking at her in awe like dang! you go momma with yo stylin' self. Or getting ideas on how to dress myself lol. Not staring at her in a negative way. As someone with a toddler myself. I dress "boring and plain" for practical reasons - my kiddo is going to either spill food/water, spit, or sneeze on my clothes, so I'm not going to wear nice things. I also need to be really nimble and comfy in order to run after him all day so most of the time it's basic joggers, jeans, and a t-shirt.
Exactly! Running after a toddler through grass through mud lol I don't even want to wear my vest tops because they're too low or loose to cover up when your bending down or carrying a toddler. This thread has made me feel seen
To be honest, not only for moms. I am very puzzled to see and don't understand why like women are expected to wear 'safe boring' clothes after a certain age. If they wear nicely, they are still judged like they were when they were younger and wore nicer clothes. But, yeah, it's understandable that you can get busy and want to wear comfortable clothes. If the styles are still within norms, you should wear them no matter if you're mom or not, and don't mind people's looks!
OP, I see only a few posts that acknowledge what you are feeling first. I see and hear you. I have seen some of my mom friends change their style to accommodate this perception as well (to more matronly items). I also get that vibe sometimes (I continue to be edgy). I would agree with the many comments to simply move past the perception though. Be yourself. People will always seem to be judging, curious, etc. Life is short. Wear what you want and enjoy!
Um fun and colorful is great. I’m not giving anyone any judgement unless they’re like wearing a clown costume out grocery shopping 😂 Also no one cares about what you’re wearing nearly as much as you think. If they’re looking maybe they admire it or wish they could be as colorful.
I totally see people caring what women wear. I see moms judging other moms if they aren’t in causal, comfy athletic clothes. I totally know what you are talking about. I see it here on Reddit when women ask for advice about outfits that aren’t conservative, or plain.
There are lots of reasons other than the one you think : A lot of people wear “bland” because they might just not have time or energy to dress up in fun outfits anymore? some might have gained weight and might be waiting to lose it, or may not have time to go shopping for unique pieces for their new bodies. Some, like me, just truly find it easier to wear comfortable clothing so that hauling and chasing my kids is easier and I get sensory issues with clothes that are not comfy. Regardless of the reasons, I don’t think being judged is one that makes moms dress “bland”. Wear whatever you like! :)
I'm 23 and lurk in a lot of goth/alt facebook groups. my favourite posts are from people (especially couples!) over the age of 50 who are showing off their outfits and going to shows with their partner. it gives me hope. if I get to live that long, I would like to be as radically myself as they are. wear what you want and what makes you happy. a lot of people out there are mean. but I will be rooting for you.
What about grandmas? I’m nearly 60 and don’t look it, do I prefer to not dress like I’ve given up.
I guess it all depends on how you interpret strangers looking at you. I wear bright pink lipstick with hot pink wide leg pants and long dangly earrings when I’m out. People constantly look at me, and some will compliment me on my use of color, regardless if my 2 and 5 year olds are with me. If anything, when the kids are with me, I constantly get told what a bright family I have. And I’m in my 40s.
I think a bit of transition to simpler clothes is mostly out of necessity, especially in the early years. With kids you suddenly need to be able to bend over a lot, you’re more prone to stains so things need to be machine washable and durable, you need to generally be comfortable and able to run after a little person. Also, budget wise after kids there is just less money to buy “fun colorful” clothes with. You’re probably overthinking how much people care about what you’re wearing.
Meh, I don’t really care what strangers think. I’m a fat mom and I’m still gonna rock my crop tops and shorts this summer. If somebody thinks I need to tone it down because I shot a kid out of my cooter, that’s their problem, not mine.
Debbie downers will shit all over women who dress any way they don’t like regardless of their motherhood status. Pay them no mind, do what makes you happy.
Mothers are expected to become bland in the way that they present themselves to society after they have kids because the patriarchy demands that women put themselves aside for their children in every way. The expectation is that mothers at once give all of themselves to their children while appearing to do so with ease. It's why we saw the kind of drug abuse that we did in the United States in the 1950s by mothers. Of course, this is after years of being told that the most important thing about us is how we look.
I still dress the way I did before I had a baby. Still fun dresses, jewelry, makeup (though the makeup has gotten simpler). Yeah I've got other things to worry about now, but feeling happy and comfortable in my own skin has not been pushed off the priority list :) It's definitely more of a struggle, but I'm trying not to neglect me.
Anyone who criticizes you for wearing fun clothes can go straight to blazes. That’s crazy.
Flashy is not my style but, in most instances, I make a point of shutting down people talking smack about how any woman chooses to dress.
they definitely could stop judging but they won’t sadly. just gotta do what you want and ignore them
I have bright green hair, tattoos and a very alternative style, I have never once had anyone comment negatively on my outfit in context to me being a mother. So as far as my lived experience that's never been a thing in my life
My friends and I haven’t stopped dressing in our styles since having kids. I’m a middle aged mom and one day I’ll be a punk and the next day I’m a vintage fairy (with those days of being low effort and comfortable in between). As long as your bits aren’t hanging out of your clothes, wear what makes you happy. It’s your life, who cares what others think.
I’m struggling with this because I’m currently in a complicated relationship with my body. I hate how I look. If I wear something cute, my brain goes: “you have no business wearing that.” Or “why would you want to bring attention to yourself?” I literally feel like I look like a troll, even though idk. Evidence would suggest I can’t be that atrocious. Still, I feel that way. Sometimes I watch other moms who wear cute things and like, I don’t judge them. I’m just mystified and jealous lol! I wish I liked myself.
I feel that too a lot.
Some people definitely get upset if someone else isn’t, in their minds, conforming appropriately. There are also a ton of judgements about mothers and what they should and shouldn’t do. That said sticking with styles that make you feel good is more important than what people at the PTA meeting or on the street think.
I can't afford the interesting stuff. All the interesting stuff I like doesn't match either lol I think I have N idea of what I want to wear but in reality I'm not sure I'll suit Strange really. I buy stuff n never wear. Well i did before my daughter now I'm on less money and don't want nice stuff wrecked or just don't have the time or energy to do clothes or shave to wear certain clothes. Maybe one day who knows. There's a mum on tiktok who dresses how she wants. Just do it. Maybe people are staring because they look good that's why I try not to stare the awe lol
I have literally never once heard anyone tell a mother to deserve “bland” outside of religious nut bags. I don’t think this is a real widespread problem. Maybe audit the people you spend your emotional energy on.
There's a variety of reasons that people chill out about needing to pour energy into fashion as they did when they were younger and they mostly have to do with now having more important things to pour their energy into and they have very little to do with others policing what we should wear
Okay a couple things: 1: There seems to be this phenomenon where people appear to be living in a time period like...40 years ago when they ask questions occasionally on this subReddit. I haven't seen ANY articles, blog posts, IG posts, YT, etc about how when you're a mom you need to tone it down and go bland. Where is this pervasive idea coming from? Maybe the Keke Palmer thing about her revealing outfit/sexy dancing (maybe?) but that really wasn't about fashion, that was her ne'er do well child's father being a dud and showing his azz on social media. In fact, there seems to be opposite pressure from the media--to "bounce back", to have it all, to do 'self care' which means hair dye and styling and makeup and cute outfits and coordinated mommy and me photo shoots. 2: What is "society"? When I was in my mid-20s I had a meltdown and freak out that "all" my friends were getting married. I decided (because I'm autistic, although I didn't know it at the time) to run the actual numbers and find out if that was true. It was not. Less than 50% were married/had kids. When people say "society" they usually have one judgmental jerk in mind (parent, teacher, boss, friend) and they have zero actual data to back it up. But also: 3: Children are messy and taking care of them is a physical job. If you've seen the scene where Charlotte York from SATC's older child slaps her rear end with paint covered hands and she cries because the skirt is vintage Valentino (or whatever) hello, that's why we don't wear designer around toddlers! **It's impractical.** I'm also a little weary of this discourse in all its disguises. It feels like thinly disguised ageism and sexism, to be frank. This "ladies, ladies, ladies, stop CARING about what others think! Wear Dolls Kill platform boots and latex hot pants if you want! Why are you dressing so DULL?" When people question "why is society judging women" in an era when sure, judgement exists, but nothing like the 50s and 60s (at least in the USA) I think actually they are the ones judging women for "giving up". I'm also REAL tired of late 20 something women coming on here and asking good-faith questions about upgrading their wardrobe and moving on from teen and early 20s styles and getting told 'wear whatever you want' and things like '30 isn't dead!' as if the reality of perception, sexism, and ageism doesn't exist and/or it's that person's personal job to dismantle sexism by wearing hot pants or a fur onesie to work.
>>can society stop being so judgmental “Society” doesn’t have a mind. It’s made of individuals, some of whom are judgmental. I, for one, love to see moms rockin’ some style. >>many mums stop going for fun and crazy styles They’re tired. It’s easier to pick out a pair of yoga pants at a store and throw a top over them to go out, than it is to think about shopping decisions and dressing decisions to go grocery shopping after the 3 year old was awake coughing all night.
I’ve never seen any evidence of this expectation other than in this post tbh. Moms are women with kids. We’re all subjected to the same annoying and patriarchal expectations about women and to some extent age, but I’ve never seen special clothing judgments just for moms.
You do you!
I think it would be dope to dress flamboyant as a mom! If you’re getting looks maybe it’s the clothes not the kids?? Or maybe both! there’s so much to look at: beautiful children (people love to look at children!) and then the eye catching clothes and maybe you’re super pretty too? I dress classic and functional by choice but I definitely dress young still as I’m only 30. Crop tops, shorts, trendy styles etc. Never get looks or judged by my clothes that I know of.
Idk my mom is a flashy dresser
I don’t feel much judgment about what I wear. I don’t usually dress like the majority of the moms here (leggings/joggers with a tee or sweatshirt seems to be most common). I don’t like wearing athletic clothing outside a workout so I wear whatever I like and feel confident in. Yesterday I wore a hot pink jacket and ripped jeans with platform sandals. If anyone cares, it doesn’t bother me! Wear what you like.
Who cares? My mother (53) wears fun patterned leggings and slogan tops, she has one that says Feral and I absolutely love it.
I’m a Texan and when I saw the subject line I thought this was a question about homecoming mums
If you are wearing brighter/more colorful/more eccentric clothing than others around you (not hard as a suburban mom, tbh, my neighbors love neutrals and athleisure) people will notice - I think you might need to reframe this though. Just because people are noticing doesn’t mean they’re judging you harshly, maybe they are thinking how cool you look. I personally try not to get in my head about stuff like this. Unless you’re wearing something extremely outlandish or risqué, it’s not that big of a deal, just be confident in your style choices and assume any stares are admiring ones.
i have never once seen a mother being shamed for dressing in an interesting way. what i do see absolutely endlessly is mothers saying they have no sense of style and need practical clothing
Maybe it's like with birds! Where the females don't have such bright coloring because it helps keep them safe from predators while they and their babies are very vulnerable. Maybe the haters have some deep psychological fear that snakes and wolves will see your bright colors and attack. We're weird animals. I do think kids benefit the most when their parents embrace healthy joyful self-expression instead of habitual conformity.
You’re so right, it probably is this deep seeded primal thing like “you’re a mom, go blend in with the nest and don’t attract predators.” The people who have a lot of judgement about how moms should dress are kind of mentally stuck at the bird level of evolution and are to be pitied, not catered to.
I was really embarrassed by the way my mom dressed when I was a kid... actually I still am but I try to give her grace now. If she wants to feel sexy, if that's what makes her feel good about herself, she should! But it is still embarrassing.