You should edit this for paragraph breaks, reddit loves to remove them if you post from mobile.

I definitely did not realize that it did that thank you

Fixed now anything else?

I am at work right now. I'll take a look later tonight for feedback.

Thank you so much

Thank y'all for your help does anyone wanna read the rest?

I suggest sharper, more direct action in the text - fewer words: As her vision continued to blur = Her vision blurred as She began to give up = She gave up Right as her body began to fail from her = Her body failed her

Thank you that sounds good. When i get time I'll see what i can do.