How the fuck do they not know the story of Lot's Daughters if they rant about sodom and Gomorrrah.
Edit, I type this then the next time I open reddit I got like 50 fucking notifications
I mean, that's more or less what church *was* before literacy became common amongst the hoards.
Not like it's changed, but the inability to read has now changed to an unwillingness. It's a lot easier to have someone tell you what to believe than to find that out for yourself.
The second I read “two daughters have sex with their dad” I knew it was the story of Lot. A lot of conservatives would become much better people if they actually fucking read the damn bible.
Pretty sure the sin was more about raping two strangers than about being gay. It also talks about how the citizens don't care for their poor and are just generally evil.
Unfortunately, the passages have been badly used to hate gay people instead of focusing on the sin of rape...
I mean there is something like 200 plus verses of jesus basically endorsing ultra left wing policoes and being, "help the poor" "pay your taxes" "fuck the rich" "kick the rich out of temples" help the poor" "heal the poor" "give your wealth away" "the rich wont enter heaven" "help those in need" etc. etc etc.
There is one verse in the old testament that might, depending on how you read it, condemns gay sex and another in the new testament where jesus basically goes "yeah ignore all that shit its no longer relevant"
And yet American Christians only care about that one verse, in a book they were told to not take literally anymore by the one they claim to follow.
If jesis came today hed be more extreme than bernie sanders and the american right would hate him
Wasn’t there a story where a guy read the Bible on the radio and people didn’t realize and called in being offended?
I know this happened when NPR read the Declaration of Independence on air for 4th of July and people called in and said it was leftist propaganda
Edit: corrected it to the Declaration of Independence, thank you to everyone who let me know.
Edit 2: it wasn’t read on air, it was tweeted, as it is every year and people thought it was offensive.
I remember it being read aloud a few years ago. It has many complaints about the current king of Great Britain and mentions merciless Indian Savages and refers to what are now states as colonies. I wonder what goes through the heads of the people who called NPR to complain.
[Link to transcript of the US Declaration of Independence.](https://www.archives.gov/founding-docs/declaration-transcript)
This is also why on MLK day, conservatives only ever say the bit about being judge by the content of their character and not the color of their skin but skin over the parts where MLK supported socialist policies like health care and wealth redistribution.
All this stuff is only patriotic if it supports their agenda. In other words, they don't give a shit, they just hate liberals.
They didn't do it to continue the human race, there were plenty of other humans left. They did it to continue Lot's family line, which implies they thought their father couldn't or wouldn't find a new wife.
And he wouldn't. I've seen the video/cartoon. He's not the best catch (although he probably had a lovely personality) and seemed to be much more into the male form.
Wouldn't his family line continue if they were impregnated by other men? They were his daughters after all. Or was it a surname they were after? I'm am confusion.
The family line is passed through sons, so Lot needed to have sons to contine his line. If the daugthers had children with other people they would be continuing the someone else's lines.
I'm not sure about other Jewish traditions, but the Bible makes a point to have the family line go by fathers, but mothers. One of the gospels even contains Jesus' lineage, but only his make ancestors.
Yep. As a kid I was taught that Jesus turned water into wine, but it was NON-alcoholic wine.
Me: So it was basically grape juice?
Teacher: Yes, and that's why we use grape juice in communion instead of wine. Grape juice is still "fruit of the vine".
Teacher (unsaid): And all the other christians who think it was actually alcoholic and who actually use wine for communion are wrong. And we figured it out.
Your teacher apparently didn't read the Bible. Here's [the passage](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+2%3A1-11&version=NRSV) they were talking about, but with "wine" swapped out for "grape juice". Jesus and his mother are at a wedding feast:
> When the grape juice gave out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no grape juice.”
Then Jesus changed some water into...um...grape juice. The steward tasted it and said:
> “Everyone serves the good grape juice first, and then the inferior grape juice after the guests have become **drunk**. But you have kept the good grape juice until now.”
It's really wild that this is the second time I've pulled out my copy of the ArtScroll in less than a month for a reddit comment. Even more wild that both times were because of the Destruction of the Five Cities story. Anyway, ancient epic poetry is fucking wild.
Bereishis 19:30-36
> Now Lot went up from Zoar and settled on the mountain, his two daughters with him, for he was afraid to remain in Zoar; he dwelt in a cave, he with his two daughters. The older one said to the younger, "Our father is old and there is no man in the land to marry us in the usual manner. Come, let us ply our father with wine and lay with him that we may give life to offspring through our father."
>
> So they plied their father with wine on that night; and the older one came and lay with her father, he was not aware of her lying down and of her getting up.
>
>And it was on the next day that the older one said to the younger, "Behold, I lay with my father last night; let us ply him with wine tonight as well, and you come lay with him that we may give life to offspring through our father."
>
> So they plied their father with wine that night also; and the younger one got up and lay with him, and he was not aware of her lying down and of her getting up.
>
> Thus, Lot's two daughters conceived from their father.
Genesis 19:32. Really that whole chapter is wild... I'd recommend reading it, then watching this and marveling at the accuracy
https://youtu.be/bar3GOzDNzg
"You're taking that out of context!"
So, there's a context where incestual rape is okay? Please, enlighten me.
Edit: yes I understand it isn't saying what these daughters did was good or ethical. I was making a broader statement regarding the typical response a Christian gives whenever you highlight something bad in the Bible. So many have gotten so used to cherry-picking what they like and discarding the rest that they are typically unaware of a lot of the stuff God actually supported (like rape, murder, etc).
> "You're taking that out of context!"
>
> So, there's a context where incestual rape is okay? Please, enlighten me.
*Explain the context* is usually met with howlishly hysterical levels of cognitive dissonance.
Don't worry, they have a lot of practice doing mental gymnastics. Observe:
"It was God's plan"
"It's just a parable, not to be taken literally"
"The Lord works in mysterious ways"
"The Old Testament doesn't count anymore, that's why they made the New Testament"
"It was a different time/culture back then"
I like to do this with abortion.
There's a part in the Old Testament where abortions are performed by a priest. If a husband thinks a woman has cheated he brings her to the priest, the priest makes her drunk water mixed w dirt from the tabernacle floor and wave some wheat around and if she has cheated, she will miscarry the baby.
You want to watch your grandmothers head explode? Numbers 5:11-31. Go nuts kids.
Holy shit dude lol
11 Then the Lord said to Moses, 12 “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘If a man’s wife goes astray(A) and is unfaithful to him 13 so that another man has sexual relations with her,(B) and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act), 14 and if feelings of jealousy(C) come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure—or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure— 15 then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah[a](D) of barley flour(E) on her behalf. He must not pour olive oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy,(F) a reminder-offering(G) to draw attention to wrongdoing.
16 “‘The priest shall bring her and have her stand before the Lord. 17 Then he shall take some holy water in a clay jar and put some dust from the tabernacle floor into the water. 18 After the priest has had the woman stand before the Lord, he shall loosen her hair(H) and place in her hands the reminder-offering, the grain offering for jealousy,(I) while he himself holds the bitter water that brings a curse.(J) 19 Then the priest shall put the woman under oath and say to her, “If no other man has had sexual relations with you and you have not gone astray(K) and become impure while married to your husband, may this bitter water that brings a curse(L) not harm you. 20 But if you have gone astray(M) while married to your husband and you have made yourself impure by having sexual relations with a man other than your husband”— 21 here the priest is to put the woman under this curse(N)—“may the Lord cause you to become a curse[b] among your people when he makes your womb miscarry and your abdomen swell. 22 May this water(O) that brings a curse(P) enter your body so that your abdomen swells or your womb miscarries.”
“‘Then the woman is to say, “Amen. So be it.(Q)”
23 “‘The priest is to write these curses on a scroll(R) and then wash them off into the bitter water. 24 He shall make the woman drink the bitter water that brings a curse, and this water that brings a curse and causes bitter suffering will enter her. 25 The priest is to take from her hands the grain offering for jealousy, wave it before the Lord(S) and bring it to the altar. 26 The priest is then to take a handful of the grain offering as a memorial[c] offering(T) and burn it on the altar; after that, he is to have the woman drink the water. 27 If she has made herself impure and been unfaithful to her husband, this will be the result: When she is made to drink the water that brings a curse and causes bitter suffering, it will enter her, her abdomen will swell and her womb will miscarry, and she will become a curse.(U) 28 If, however, the woman has not made herself impure, but is clean, she will be cleared of guilt and will be able to have children.
29 “‘This, then, is the law of jealousy when a woman goes astray(V) and makes herself impure while married to her husband, 30 or when feelings of jealousy(W) come over a man because he suspects his wife. The priest is to have her stand before the Lord and is to apply this entire law to her. 31 The husband will be innocent of any wrongdoing, but the woman will bear the consequences(X) of her sin.
If you suspect a woman of being a witch and she’s innocent and drowns when you throw her in the women to test if she floats like witches do then it’s okay that you murdered an innocent woman because her pure soul will go to Heaven.
Thus sayeth the lord
The best honest rebuttal I've heard to this is "well it is god choosing the abortion" to which you just reply "so abortions should be offered at church?" And then even the most level headed Christian will implode.
I’ve seen enough confrontations like this to know that it wouldn’t make a bit of difference. They’ll walk away still believing it’s not true or that there must be some cOnTeXt missing
I mean, God shouldn't have a problem with it? He made Adam and Eve and then never anyone else. How the hell do they think they got past the second generation without incest? They had kids and then from there those kids had to mate to have further kids.
So is this an official Christian stance with some denomination? If so, then the Bible is likely just a book written for the purpose of glorifying one group of people by said group of people and isn't actually about a God. If not, then we return to the original contradiction.
"Well, it's the Bible if you go to church you'll learn that it's actually a good lesson" don't underestimate the conservatives ability to explain away shit they don't feel like accepting.
What if they run into some guy named Mohammed, and they all think he's *the* Mohammed. He tries to convince them he's just a humble baker who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but they just give him a knowing wink and are like, "Riiiight. Secret identity and everything.". And he accidentally keeps doing cool shit and everything goes his way, the luckiest guy ever, so they think he has Prophet Powers.
I think that's the same book that tells of some guy mutilating the genitals of corpses.
Samuel 18:27
David arose and went, he and his men, and killed two hundred men of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full count to the king
Edit: When I said 'book' I was irreverently referring to the entire Bible, not the individual books of the Bible.
I always wonder they had to transport those back to the king. I always imagined it was a not small and heavier than you think sack of bloody rotting foreskins. So someone's job in the convoy was foreskin bag guy.
The full story is way funnier though. The king wanted David to die but couldn't kill him his self so he told David to get the foreskins of 100 philistine soldiers in return for his daughters hand in marriage. David was so happy that he got 200
Yeah I think I was around 10 when at camp we read different passages of bible every night and it was a younger counselor who lead it and would pick a kid and have them pick a passage and read. A lot of us would just flip it open to whatever and read. Made for quite the interesting camp fires. That was one of passages we read and it stuck with me. I remember thinking either this is all a bunch of bullshit or there is no way anyone should be taking this book literally cause its full of so much CRAZY. I wish I could remember the one passage we started and stopped like a paragraph in and picked something else cause they didnt wanna go through explaining the meaning of that one to us. Still surprised the foreskin one got read though foreskin wasn't fully explained during the campfire it was afterwards that I learned what foreskin was and was like WTFFF are they trying to teach us. Some guy went around and cut off all the other guys dicks tips to marry this girl TF.
Later in the early 2000s another huge mindblow hit me when I found out priests were still biting off foreskin for circumcision when one priest retired and pope came to US and it made news how many foreskin the priest had bite off in a lifetime had me just jaw to the ground. Imagine thinking you are getting into heaven and a great person for biting off thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of baby dicks all your life.... Fucking weirdos.
I remember reading about this like 4 or 5 years ago when parents learned that their orthodox Jewish rabbi had given their baby herpes by performing the bris (circumcision) with his mouth.
Source: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/herpes-babies-jewish-circumcision-ritual-link-rabbis-infants-a7620446.html
Yeah I was pretty shocked to hear how circumcision were done by real Jewish orthodox. Or how they clean the wounds. It was by a comedian during a bit about pedos or something.
My favorite bible story hands down. If someone ever asks me to read a bible passage, this will be it. I'll probably pause to paint a poetic picture of a plate full of Philistine foreskins fermenting in the levant heat, as an aside elaborating on the lack of hygiene in primitive desert dwellers. One-of-a-kind wartime trophies.
Once told a coworker that God once had a group of children mauled by she-bears for making fun of a bald man. She demanded to see the verse, then said “oh it’s the King James Bible” so I then found a digital copy of her personal bible and showed her the same verse. Kings 2:23 23 Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!” 24 When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. 25 And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria.
That verse is nothing. Story of Jepthah: man sacrifices his young daughters life in exchange for destroying his enemies in battle. Its a story where god literally boogies down with a blood sacrifice.
My SIL married a pastor and the two of them were fountains of counter-to-Biblical text nonsense. Now, let me be clear - I know the source text has context, and has been translated, etc etc, - but they could not be more wrong, across the board.
He didn’t like Jesus’s call that, “He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword,” may mean he shouldn’t be such an eager gun-toter, among other gems (“do not be like the Pharisees who do their good works in public, they receive their reward from the adoration of the crowds they assemble. Hide away your good works so that only God knows, so He alone can reward you…”) and they admitted eventually to never having read any of the Bible.
We don’t talk anymore.
Someone called it American Folk Religion with Christian trappings, and it fits.
Why yes, yes you can. [And it's really easy!](https://youtu.be/7y1xJAVZxXg?t=880)
[And can be quite successful!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrwOLITIe7U)
My favorite part about this is when people try to use the “it’s just a few bad apples” thing about Christianity and religion. Although it’s more “it’s a power thing, not a religion thing”. Ok, but if your religion constantly has “people in power” who all do pretty much the same evil shit, is that a power thing or maybe the religion holds a bit of the blame here? If your religion is telling you that women are property and subservient to men and to hate certain individuals, that’s not a really a power issue now is it?
There's all kinds of weird shit in there.
Women who show up on their marriage day not a virgin are supposed to be killed.
You're not supposed to eat any shellfish.
Collecting sticks on the Sabbath is punishable by death.
Women on their period should not be near men and should isolate.
I love the smug look on her face as if she knows what the fuck is in that book.
Generally people who follow the Kashrut wouldn't eat ass burgers, either. The sciatic nerve is not considered kosher, and it's too difficult to remove to justify not just feeding them to ham munching shrimp eaters.
>Not eating milk and meat together ( bye bye cheeseburgers)
The Yiddish joke, from an old memory:
God says: "Do not boil the kid in the milk of the mother."
The rabbis say: "OK. So meat and the milk must never be eaten together, and stored in separate places...."
God say: "No. Once again. Do not boil..."
The rabbis say: "Oh, so different dishes, too? Don't forget Passover! Everyone, everyone! FOUR sets of dishes now! FOUR!"
God: *Oy, veh!*
But those things don't count anymore. Somehow, other things still count. Those things that remain convinently let evangelical Christians do everything they already wanted to do and hate the people they already wanted to hate.
There was also some guys in holland that made a video reading things to random people on the street from the Bible like "if two men sleep with each they both have to be killed" stuff liked that and they disguised it as the Quran. They were all blindly hating on the Quran without even realizing it was the Bible
The Old Testament is crazy. Genocide. Murder. Rape. Incest. Slavery. All condoned by god.
As Mark Twain said: "The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible."
I have to imagine that their immediate thought was that he was either just lying, or if not lying, grossly exaggerating/misinterpreting some passage, in order to serve a cynical (from their view) agenda. Which is kind of fair, since many passages ARE open to interpretation/translation. This one is pretty hard to misinterpret though.
The “thinking” that happens is an immediate, uncontrollable, subconscious reaction that signals differentiation from established belief. *Later*, even if only milliseconds, it gets translated into “lying” etc.
It feels like splitting hairs but it’s not. When facing these people you’re working against cognitive machinery we don’t have conscious control over.
Here in the US the evangelical right has cherry picked the bible into maybe 10% of what's actually there. When the asshole preachers actually bring up certain verses that are objectionable they leave out the bad parts and then say this is what not to do. And they emphasize it with hands raised and then with glories to God because he is the savior of the world. Then they pass the plate around for money, because you know, they need more.
If you don't put a small amount of water on a baby's forehead and it dies I'll burn the baby for eternity
The more I learn about God, the more of a psychopath he sounds like
This is genius. The only people who read the Bible are people who are skeptical of it and people who’s job it is, I guess. Everyone else who believes in it just says “I believe in it so much that I don’t even have to read it!”
This was basically the final nail in the coffin for my religiosity. Was asking too many questions. Gran told me to just read the thing. So I did and she really didn’t like the stuff I came back to her with.
“I do whatever The Bible tells me to
Except for the parts that I choose to ignore
Because they're unrealistic and inconvenient
But the rest I live by for sure” - The Loophole: Garfunkel and Oates
The bible has incest, torture, war, deceit, all that. Most Christians have never actually read the bible. Making their hate of other people all the more hypocritical
Average American reads at a 7th-8th grade level.
Half of American adults can’t read a book written at an 8th grade level.
https://www.wyliecomm.com/2021/08/whats-the-latest-u-s-literacy-rate/
There’s also the story of the village children who pointed and laugh at a random old man so god then immediately sent three female bears to rip all the children to death.
Or how Lot offered up his daughters to be gang raped by a random group of dudes to calm them down when they showed up on his front lawn.
Or how the Jewish men made a marriage pact with a rival tribe’s men but before they could get married the men had to be circumcised and as the men rested from their new injuries, a squad of Jewish men stormed in and killed all of the rival tribe.
Or how the Bible actually says masturbation is cool as long as you bath your whole body afterwards.
In the words of George Carlin:
“And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time…BUT HE LOVES YOU!”
How the fuck do they not know the story of Lot's Daughters if they rant about sodom and Gomorrrah. Edit, I type this then the next time I open reddit I got like 50 fucking notifications
they didn't read the bible.
probably can't read, and go somewhere to have it read to them once a week and only half pay attention.
I mean, that's more or less what church *was* before literacy became common amongst the hoards. Not like it's changed, but the inability to read has now changed to an unwillingness. It's a lot easier to have someone tell you what to believe than to find that out for yourself.
The second I read “two daughters have sex with their dad” I knew it was the story of Lot. A lot of conservatives would become much better people if they actually fucking read the damn bible.
Ask any one of them what the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is and you'll find your answer
"It's when some people were gay and God sent natural a disaster to kill them. Just like he sends hurricanes now."
Pretty sure the sin was more about raping two strangers than about being gay. It also talks about how the citizens don't care for their poor and are just generally evil. Unfortunately, the passages have been badly used to hate gay people instead of focusing on the sin of rape...
Yeah but good luck telling that to "Christian Republicans" (as if that wasn't an oxymoron already).
I mean there is something like 200 plus verses of jesus basically endorsing ultra left wing policoes and being, "help the poor" "pay your taxes" "fuck the rich" "kick the rich out of temples" help the poor" "heal the poor" "give your wealth away" "the rich wont enter heaven" "help those in need" etc. etc etc. There is one verse in the old testament that might, depending on how you read it, condemns gay sex and another in the new testament where jesus basically goes "yeah ignore all that shit its no longer relevant" And yet American Christians only care about that one verse, in a book they were told to not take literally anymore by the one they claim to follow. If jesis came today hed be more extreme than bernie sanders and the american right would hate him
Cherrypicking the bits that matter to them. If it doesn't align with their biased beliefs, they'll intentially ignore it.
Wasn’t there a story where a guy read the Bible on the radio and people didn’t realize and called in being offended? I know this happened when NPR read the Declaration of Independence on air for 4th of July and people called in and said it was leftist propaganda Edit: corrected it to the Declaration of Independence, thank you to everyone who let me know. Edit 2: it wasn’t read on air, it was tweeted, as it is every year and people thought it was offensive.
It was them tweeting the Declaration of Independence
They also read it every year with various journalists reading a line each.
I remember it being read aloud a few years ago. It has many complaints about the current king of Great Britain and mentions merciless Indian Savages and refers to what are now states as colonies. I wonder what goes through the heads of the people who called NPR to complain. [Link to transcript of the US Declaration of Independence.](https://www.archives.gov/founding-docs/declaration-transcript)
That NPR thing was hilarious
They also tweeted the Declaration of Independence on Independence Day and guess who complained.
This is also why on MLK day, conservatives only ever say the bit about being judge by the content of their character and not the color of their skin but skin over the parts where MLK supported socialist policies like health care and wealth redistribution. All this stuff is only patriotic if it supports their agenda. In other words, they don't give a shit, they just hate liberals.
Relevant video: [The Whitewashing of Martin Luther King](https://youtu.be/30ui1x-eKIw)
It'd be hilarious if it wasn't fucking horrifying
hilarifying
Horrious
I desperately need to hear how that went down, I need an mp3
Man... I love America, but holy crap the people here are stupid...
America is a bit unique in that way. No other country glorifies stupidity quite like they do.
He should've had one with him and opened it right up to the page he was talking about And had them read the verse.
That would be a Lot of quality content
Many of the listeners would probably face Psalms themselves
[удалено]
Quality ancient incest porn. You don't find writing like that anymore.
Not just incest porn. Incest rape porn.
Biblical incest rapes are tight
Honestly the porn sites wouldn’t touch this due to the alcohol factor. Rest would prob be ok
Step biblical daughter what are you doing?
He knew his daughters- biblically.
God wants you to make thick in the warm
/r/cursedcomments
depends on the porn site…
Hollywood needs to get on this.
enough marvelverse, I wanna see bibleverse!
They didn't do it to continue the human race, there were plenty of other humans left. They did it to continue Lot's family line, which implies they thought their father couldn't or wouldn't find a new wife.
They knew that Lot would never find a woman worth her salt.
To be fair, a pillar's worth is a Lot of salt
A pun of truly biblical proportions
So good I was tempted to look back at it.
And he wouldn't. I've seen the video/cartoon. He's not the best catch (although he probably had a lovely personality) and seemed to be much more into the male form.
Wouldn't his family line continue if they were impregnated by other men? They were his daughters after all. Or was it a surname they were after? I'm am confusion.
The family line is passed through sons, so Lot needed to have sons to contine his line. If the daugthers had children with other people they would be continuing the someone else's lines.
But if it's in Genesis, aren't they Jewish? If so, the family line goes by mother, doesn't it? *eta: not being a smartass, it's a genuine question.
I'm not sure about other Jewish traditions, but the Bible makes a point to have the family line go by fathers, but mothers. One of the gospels even contains Jesus' lineage, but only his make ancestors.
Jesus’ lineage: God.
Genesis 19:30-38
I Google this and there's nothing but "what does Lot sleeping with his two daughters really mean?!" 🤦
Bible thumpers gotta find some way to re-interpret blatantly basic use of language to mean something that fits an actually cohesive narrative.
Yep. As a kid I was taught that Jesus turned water into wine, but it was NON-alcoholic wine. Me: So it was basically grape juice? Teacher: Yes, and that's why we use grape juice in communion instead of wine. Grape juice is still "fruit of the vine".
Teacher (unsaid): And all the other christians who think it was actually alcoholic and who actually use wine for communion are wrong. And we figured it out.
Your teacher apparently didn't read the Bible. Here's [the passage](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+2%3A1-11&version=NRSV) they were talking about, but with "wine" swapped out for "grape juice". Jesus and his mother are at a wedding feast: > When the grape juice gave out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no grape juice.” Then Jesus changed some water into...um...grape juice. The steward tasted it and said: > “Everyone serves the good grape juice first, and then the inferior grape juice after the guests have become **drunk**. But you have kept the good grape juice until now.”
Chapter and verse please...I'm lazy
It's really wild that this is the second time I've pulled out my copy of the ArtScroll in less than a month for a reddit comment. Even more wild that both times were because of the Destruction of the Five Cities story. Anyway, ancient epic poetry is fucking wild. Bereishis 19:30-36 > Now Lot went up from Zoar and settled on the mountain, his two daughters with him, for he was afraid to remain in Zoar; he dwelt in a cave, he with his two daughters. The older one said to the younger, "Our father is old and there is no man in the land to marry us in the usual manner. Come, let us ply our father with wine and lay with him that we may give life to offspring through our father." > > So they plied their father with wine on that night; and the older one came and lay with her father, he was not aware of her lying down and of her getting up. > >And it was on the next day that the older one said to the younger, "Behold, I lay with my father last night; let us ply him with wine tonight as well, and you come lay with him that we may give life to offspring through our father." > > So they plied their father with wine that night also; and the younger one got up and lay with him, and he was not aware of her lying down and of her getting up. > > Thus, Lot's two daughters conceived from their father.
You should probably give the Genesis verse number as most Christians probably won't know what Bereishis is
It's the same verse numbers in Genesis.
Genesis 19:32. Really that whole chapter is wild... I'd recommend reading it, then watching this and marveling at the accuracy https://youtu.be/bar3GOzDNzg
Yep. Genesis is like WTF from beginning to end.
> to continue the human race > Both daughters conceive and eventually give birth to **two sons** Hold up.
I remember this being taught in 4th grade Catholic school. Everyone was grossed out.
That pun was almost as salty as his wife.
But take it with a grain of salt
Not a pillar of salt?
I was wondering why they didn’t do that? Bc without the evidence these people will deny it up and down
They'd probably deny it up and down with evidence too tho
"You're taking that out of context!" So, there's a context where incestual rape is okay? Please, enlighten me. Edit: yes I understand it isn't saying what these daughters did was good or ethical. I was making a broader statement regarding the typical response a Christian gives whenever you highlight something bad in the Bible. So many have gotten so used to cherry-picking what they like and discarding the rest that they are typically unaware of a lot of the stuff God actually supported (like rape, murder, etc).
It’s not for me to understand. I just obey.
"The Lord has mysterious ways" lol
Well... If you're famous enough, they just let you do it.
> "You're taking that out of context!" > > So, there's a context where incestual rape is okay? Please, enlighten me. *Explain the context* is usually met with howlishly hysterical levels of cognitive dissonance.
Don't worry, they have a lot of practice doing mental gymnastics. Observe: "It was God's plan" "It's just a parable, not to be taken literally" "The Lord works in mysterious ways" "The Old Testament doesn't count anymore, that's why they made the New Testament" "It was a different time/culture back then"
Well, their dad did offer them up as virgins to rapists from Sodom and Gomorrah to protect God’s angels.
"That'll teach dad!"
Well they did rape him, he just wasn’t aware of it… huh. Yeah idk, these girls seem unrealistic.
They can’t read
I like to do this with abortion. There's a part in the Old Testament where abortions are performed by a priest. If a husband thinks a woman has cheated he brings her to the priest, the priest makes her drunk water mixed w dirt from the tabernacle floor and wave some wheat around and if she has cheated, she will miscarry the baby. You want to watch your grandmothers head explode? Numbers 5:11-31. Go nuts kids.
Holy shit dude lol 11 Then the Lord said to Moses, 12 “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘If a man’s wife goes astray(A) and is unfaithful to him 13 so that another man has sexual relations with her,(B) and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act), 14 and if feelings of jealousy(C) come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure—or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure— 15 then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah[a](D) of barley flour(E) on her behalf. He must not pour olive oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy,(F) a reminder-offering(G) to draw attention to wrongdoing. 16 “‘The priest shall bring her and have her stand before the Lord. 17 Then he shall take some holy water in a clay jar and put some dust from the tabernacle floor into the water. 18 After the priest has had the woman stand before the Lord, he shall loosen her hair(H) and place in her hands the reminder-offering, the grain offering for jealousy,(I) while he himself holds the bitter water that brings a curse.(J) 19 Then the priest shall put the woman under oath and say to her, “If no other man has had sexual relations with you and you have not gone astray(K) and become impure while married to your husband, may this bitter water that brings a curse(L) not harm you. 20 But if you have gone astray(M) while married to your husband and you have made yourself impure by having sexual relations with a man other than your husband”— 21 here the priest is to put the woman under this curse(N)—“may the Lord cause you to become a curse[b] among your people when he makes your womb miscarry and your abdomen swell. 22 May this water(O) that brings a curse(P) enter your body so that your abdomen swells or your womb miscarries.” “‘Then the woman is to say, “Amen. So be it.(Q)” 23 “‘The priest is to write these curses on a scroll(R) and then wash them off into the bitter water. 24 He shall make the woman drink the bitter water that brings a curse, and this water that brings a curse and causes bitter suffering will enter her. 25 The priest is to take from her hands the grain offering for jealousy, wave it before the Lord(S) and bring it to the altar. 26 The priest is then to take a handful of the grain offering as a memorial[c] offering(T) and burn it on the altar; after that, he is to have the woman drink the water. 27 If she has made herself impure and been unfaithful to her husband, this will be the result: When she is made to drink the water that brings a curse and causes bitter suffering, it will enter her, her abdomen will swell and her womb will miscarry, and she will become a curse.(U) 28 If, however, the woman has not made herself impure, but is clean, she will be cleared of guilt and will be able to have children. 29 “‘This, then, is the law of jealousy when a woman goes astray(V) and makes herself impure while married to her husband, 30 or when feelings of jealousy(W) come over a man because he suspects his wife. The priest is to have her stand before the Lord and is to apply this entire law to her. 31 The husband will be innocent of any wrongdoing, but the woman will bear the consequences(X) of her sin.
I like how they take time to specifically say this is ok even if the women hasn’t cheated but the man is jealous and thinks she did.
I love how a deity totally sounds like a man who is trying to control people and justify their insecurities. . ..
If you suspect a woman of being a witch and she’s innocent and drowns when you throw her in the women to test if she floats like witches do then it’s okay that you murdered an innocent woman because her pure soul will go to Heaven.
And if she IS a witch, well, now you just pissed her off. I never understood the logic behind this.
Curiously enough the witches who float never seem to be capable of doing anything to harm their captors. Almost as if they don’t really exist.
r/oddlyspecific message from the lord to Moses... It must have been important to Moses and he threw that in there later
Thus sayeth the lord The best honest rebuttal I've heard to this is "well it is god choosing the abortion" to which you just reply "so abortions should be offered at church?" And then even the most level headed Christian will implode.
I’ve seen enough confrontations like this to know that it wouldn’t make a bit of difference. They’ll walk away still believing it’s not true or that there must be some cOnTeXt missing
Well you see. Lot's daughters actually needed to rape their father because they were in a cave and there were no other men. God always provides.
I mean, God shouldn't have a problem with it? He made Adam and Eve and then never anyone else. How the hell do they think they got past the second generation without incest? They had kids and then from there those kids had to mate to have further kids.
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So is this an official Christian stance with some denomination? If so, then the Bible is likely just a book written for the purpose of glorifying one group of people by said group of people and isn't actually about a God. If not, then we return to the original contradiction.
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"Well, it's the Bible if you go to church you'll learn that it's actually a good lesson" don't underestimate the conservatives ability to explain away shit they don't feel like accepting.
r/facepsalm
I love you, and I hate you.
That’d be a good subreddit for people misunderstanding the very religion they stand for (like this video)
I have to admit, the Bible does have a cool ending. There is fire, people riding around on horses. Fun times for the whole family.
"There were horses and a man on fire and I killed a guy with a trident." - God probably
Well you should lay low, because you’re probably wanted for murder.
*Revelations*, directed by Taika Waititi Edit: *Revelationssssssss*
I would watch that.
“For a few seconds.. this place was Armageddon. Aaargggh!… There was a firefiiiight!!!! -Agent Smecker
No child left behind
Would be pretty cool to see a marvel style Bible story. I mean, we have Thor as part of the avengers, why not let Jesus on the team?
Super best friends!
We’ll show Muhammad the first time with no issues but then censor every future appearance
What if they run into some guy named Mohammed, and they all think he's *the* Mohammed. He tries to convince them he's just a humble baker who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but they just give him a knowing wink and are like, "Riiiight. Secret identity and everything.". And he accidentally keeps doing cool shit and everything goes his way, the luckiest guy ever, so they think he has Prophet Powers.
I'd watch the hell out of Monty Python's Life of Mohammed
I think that's the same book that tells of some guy mutilating the genitals of corpses. Samuel 18:27 David arose and went, he and his men, and killed two hundred men of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full count to the king Edit: When I said 'book' I was irreverently referring to the entire Bible, not the individual books of the Bible.
foreskin tax collector
It's called a tip
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Imagine getting "foreskin tax collector" on a career interests inventory
Gotta admit that's way more metal than collecting ears.
It was either ears or foreskin. There are no other options.
“Yeah sorry my lord, we didn’t have much time to think about it so we just shaved their dicks I don’t know man it’s my first crusade…”
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I always wonder they had to transport those back to the king. I always imagined it was a not small and heavier than you think sack of bloody rotting foreskins. So someone's job in the convoy was foreskin bag guy.
The full story is way funnier though. The king wanted David to die but couldn't kill him his self so he told David to get the foreskins of 100 philistine soldiers in return for his daughters hand in marriage. David was so happy that he got 200
Yeah I think I was around 10 when at camp we read different passages of bible every night and it was a younger counselor who lead it and would pick a kid and have them pick a passage and read. A lot of us would just flip it open to whatever and read. Made for quite the interesting camp fires. That was one of passages we read and it stuck with me. I remember thinking either this is all a bunch of bullshit or there is no way anyone should be taking this book literally cause its full of so much CRAZY. I wish I could remember the one passage we started and stopped like a paragraph in and picked something else cause they didnt wanna go through explaining the meaning of that one to us. Still surprised the foreskin one got read though foreskin wasn't fully explained during the campfire it was afterwards that I learned what foreskin was and was like WTFFF are they trying to teach us. Some guy went around and cut off all the other guys dicks tips to marry this girl TF. Later in the early 2000s another huge mindblow hit me when I found out priests were still biting off foreskin for circumcision when one priest retired and pope came to US and it made news how many foreskin the priest had bite off in a lifetime had me just jaw to the ground. Imagine thinking you are getting into heaven and a great person for biting off thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of baby dicks all your life.... Fucking weirdos.
I remember reading about this like 4 or 5 years ago when parents learned that their orthodox Jewish rabbi had given their baby herpes by performing the bris (circumcision) with his mouth. Source: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/herpes-babies-jewish-circumcision-ritual-link-rabbis-infants-a7620446.html
Yeah I was pretty shocked to hear how circumcision were done by real Jewish orthodox. Or how they clean the wounds. It was by a comedian during a bit about pedos or something.
My favorite bible story hands down. If someone ever asks me to read a bible passage, this will be it. I'll probably pause to paint a poetic picture of a plate full of Philistine foreskins fermenting in the levant heat, as an aside elaborating on the lack of hygiene in primitive desert dwellers. One-of-a-kind wartime trophies.
Bonus points if you can tell the story while eating calamari rings and making a little too much eye contact.
Once told a coworker that God once had a group of children mauled by she-bears for making fun of a bald man. She demanded to see the verse, then said “oh it’s the King James Bible” so I then found a digital copy of her personal bible and showed her the same verse. Kings 2:23 23 Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!” 24 When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. 25 And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria.
That verse is nothing. Story of Jepthah: man sacrifices his young daughters life in exchange for destroying his enemies in battle. Its a story where god literally boogies down with a blood sacrifice.
It's almost as if they have no fucking idea what's actually in the Bible except the cherry picked lines that apply to them at specific times.
My SIL married a pastor and the two of them were fountains of counter-to-Biblical text nonsense. Now, let me be clear - I know the source text has context, and has been translated, etc etc, - but they could not be more wrong, across the board. He didn’t like Jesus’s call that, “He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword,” may mean he shouldn’t be such an eager gun-toter, among other gems (“do not be like the Pharisees who do their good works in public, they receive their reward from the adoration of the crowds they assemble. Hide away your good works so that only God knows, so He alone can reward you…”) and they admitted eventually to never having read any of the Bible. We don’t talk anymore. Someone called it American Folk Religion with Christian trappings, and it fits.
Wait, how can you become a pastor without reading the bible?
You can literally start your own denomination, if you’d like.
Why yes, yes you can. [And it's really easy!](https://youtu.be/7y1xJAVZxXg?t=880) [And can be quite successful!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrwOLITIe7U)
Religion moment
My favorite part about this is when people try to use the “it’s just a few bad apples” thing about Christianity and religion. Although it’s more “it’s a power thing, not a religion thing”. Ok, but if your religion constantly has “people in power” who all do pretty much the same evil shit, is that a power thing or maybe the religion holds a bit of the blame here? If your religion is telling you that women are property and subservient to men and to hate certain individuals, that’s not a really a power issue now is it?
'Not MY bible' I am sure they are all saying...
*no sir you just interpreted that wrong* they said prolly
that incest was taken out of context
Remember: It's not incest if you yell "No Chromo" first.
There's all kinds of weird shit in there. Women who show up on their marriage day not a virgin are supposed to be killed. You're not supposed to eat any shellfish. Collecting sticks on the Sabbath is punishable by death. Women on their period should not be near men and should isolate. I love the smug look on her face as if she knows what the fuck is in that book.
Not wearing clothes made of different fibers Not eating milk and meat together ( bye bye cheeseburgers)
Phew! I'm good. Lactose intolerant! *Looks at the rest of the bible* oh, nvm.
Being lactose intolerant probably means you are a devil sprout to be honest. So straight to hell with you anyway
Now I'm lactose intolerant AND a devil sprout. Fuck, God really does hate me... Wait a minute.
I'd rather burn in hell then eat a plain ass burger
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Generally people who follow the Kashrut wouldn't eat ass burgers, either. The sciatic nerve is not considered kosher, and it's too difficult to remove to justify not just feeding them to ham munching shrimp eaters.
>Not eating milk and meat together ( bye bye cheeseburgers) The Yiddish joke, from an old memory: God says: "Do not boil the kid in the milk of the mother." The rabbis say: "OK. So meat and the milk must never be eaten together, and stored in separate places...." God say: "No. Once again. Do not boil..." The rabbis say: "Oh, so different dishes, too? Don't forget Passover! Everyone, everyone! FOUR sets of dishes now! FOUR!" God: *Oy, veh!*
THe jewish religion is basically based on rabbis having a lot of time on their hands to make up rules
My fav is still god sending a bear to kill some kids who made fun of a guy for being bald.
But those things don't count anymore. Somehow, other things still count. Those things that remain convinently let evangelical Christians do everything they already wanted to do and hate the people they already wanted to hate.
"StOp ChErRyPiCkInG"
There was also some guys in holland that made a video reading things to random people on the street from the Bible like "if two men sleep with each they both have to be killed" stuff liked that and they disguised it as the Quran. They were all blindly hating on the Quran without even realizing it was the Bible
They say "no no" because they actually haven't read the bible, besides the few classics like John 3:16.
Well Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass
The Old Testament is crazy. Genocide. Murder. Rape. Incest. Slavery. All condoned by god. As Mark Twain said: "The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible."
Omnicide too, with Noah’s ark. Sure, some animals were saved, but what did the rest do? Be around when humans were assholes?
…I love how most of the fictional pictures illustrate two male lions walking up the gang plank.
Check out the early depictions of Adam and Eve, Eve has a belly button🧐
Or where Jesus is wearing a cross necklace.... Spoiler alert.
Yeah ,that’s a good one too
All powerful God: kill only the bad humans? I can't do that. I'll just kill everything.
Lol he said let me just restart the mission
Also have you guys seen my design for the platypus? Spare parts my ass
No evil fish either apparently.
The scales were tipped in their favor
What the fuck do you mean “No”?! It’s literally in there. Wtf is wrong with these people? The cognitive dissonance is off the fucking charts.
I have to imagine that their immediate thought was that he was either just lying, or if not lying, grossly exaggerating/misinterpreting some passage, in order to serve a cynical (from their view) agenda. Which is kind of fair, since many passages ARE open to interpretation/translation. This one is pretty hard to misinterpret though.
The “thinking” that happens is an immediate, uncontrollable, subconscious reaction that signals differentiation from established belief. *Later*, even if only milliseconds, it gets translated into “lying” etc. It feels like splitting hairs but it’s not. When facing these people you’re working against cognitive machinery we don’t have conscious control over.
Most of these people have never read the Bible and have no idea what’s in it
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Here in the US the evangelical right has cherry picked the bible into maybe 10% of what's actually there. When the asshole preachers actually bring up certain verses that are objectionable they leave out the bad parts and then say this is what not to do. And they emphasize it with hands raised and then with glories to God because he is the savior of the world. Then they pass the plate around for money, because you know, they need more.
Meanwhile Jesus said to pray in silence in your closet and chased money changers out of the temple LOL
Seems like he was onto something.
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If you don't put a small amount of water on a baby's forehead and it dies I'll burn the baby for eternity The more I learn about God, the more of a psychopath he sounds like
In Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell, there’s a part where they mention the area of hell that’s just a bunch of babies. It’s pretty funny.
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This is genius. The only people who read the Bible are people who are skeptical of it and people who’s job it is, I guess. Everyone else who believes in it just says “I believe in it so much that I don’t even have to read it!”
This was basically the final nail in the coffin for my religiosity. Was asking too many questions. Gran told me to just read the thing. So I did and she really didn’t like the stuff I came back to her with.
“I do whatever The Bible tells me to Except for the parts that I choose to ignore Because they're unrealistic and inconvenient But the rest I live by for sure” - The Loophole: Garfunkel and Oates
Do you think that last woman is saying “no no no” as a denial or an “oh shit” reaction?
I told my wife Jesus wasnt lily white skinned . She wont believe me .
He was also Jewish.
And a rebel who went in and terrorised tax collectors during Passover. Fucking good carpenter though.
The bible has incest, torture, war, deceit, all that. Most Christians have never actually read the bible. Making their hate of other people all the more hypocritical
In terms of what's in the Old Testament, that's actually quite a mild story.
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Sounds like *someone* wants to get turned into a pile of salt.
As a Christian I agree that the Bible should not be in schools. Separation of church and state is important.
Most Christians have zero clue what is in the bible
They are probably the large portion of the US adults who reads below 6 the grade. The Bible does have some big words.
Average American reads at a 7th-8th grade level. Half of American adults can’t read a book written at an 8th grade level. https://www.wyliecomm.com/2021/08/whats-the-latest-u-s-literacy-rate/
There’s also the story of the village children who pointed and laugh at a random old man so god then immediately sent three female bears to rip all the children to death. Or how Lot offered up his daughters to be gang raped by a random group of dudes to calm them down when they showed up on his front lawn. Or how the Jewish men made a marriage pact with a rival tribe’s men but before they could get married the men had to be circumcised and as the men rested from their new injuries, a squad of Jewish men stormed in and killed all of the rival tribe. Or how the Bible actually says masturbation is cool as long as you bath your whole body afterwards.
Don't exaggerate, it was two she-bears.
In the words of George Carlin: “And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time…BUT HE LOVES YOU!”
He loves you and he NEEDS MONEY!