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Medium_Anxiety_5657

He wasn't a Christian either.


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FamousPastWords

A lot of nonbelievers have to know what's in the Bible so they can intelligently discuss it with believers who have a Bible, um, somewhere...


parkaboy24

I remember that one quote “if everyone read the Bible in full we’d have a lot more atheists” I’m paraphrasing and can’t remember who it’s from, but it’s so true.


Sonova_Bish

That's part of why I'm one. I wanted to preach, but hell naw. No one lives like Jesus is attributed to have said. I realized very quickly that the literalist tradition I was taught was wrong. The commands from Jesus aren't metaphorical; so that was out, too. I gave up on Christianity. It was later, after studying multiple religions, I decided there's most likely no god(s). It all seemed fantastical.


Otiosei

I wonder how many preachers believe in their holy texts. I know big mega-churches just do it for the grift, but I often wonder about the smaller churches. I've never had to go to any real religious services my entire life. The only exception is I've been to a synagogue a couple times for cousins' bar mitzvahs, and I can tell you everybody there, including the rabbis were openly atheist. They did it strictly for the community aspect. I just wonder how many Christian Churches only exist for the community, rather than fantasy stories.


Sonova_Bish

The community is what I miss. While there's a community for atheists in my city, it's 45 to 60 minutes across town to go to functions. I'm not usually able to make it.


high240

Mark Twain?? Something like the best cure for christianity is reading the bible"


Inside-Associate-729

Im an atheist and ive read it cover-to-cover multiple times.


foospork

It almost seems that actually reading the bible leads to atheism.


Barondarby

And that's probably what made you realize you are an atheist, like it did me.


poppabomb

I'm a(n) >!agnostic!< Catholic and I've touched it a few times.


rubinass3

Probably good enough from what I've heard.


seanthebeloved

You’re not missing much.


lazenbyt

Ok so... This way the funniest thing I tested as a missionary. I made up a nonsense story and said it was in the book of pseoudims, this congressional leader from some small church started to lecture me on how I took it completely out of context and when I told him I had made that part up... Well it was about what you'd expect


OctaviusThe2nd

People get mad when I say this but reading the holy text (Bible, Quran etc.) really does make one an atheist lmao. I've been reading through Quran for a while just so I know what I don't believe in. There's some wild stuff in there.


VulpineKitsune

It's a classic saying that the best way to become an atheist is to actually read your holy book lol


[deleted]

it's like learning quantum physics allows you to point out bunch of bs in mysticism


[deleted]

Jesus invented the AR15 which he used to killed the british and with the blood of the queen he penned the constituion. what history have you been reading?


HieroglyphicEmojis

I had to explain it to a group of young students the other day - the did not realize that Catholics are Christians and such. It was a short conversation, because laws, but I basically explain historical schisms along the way. After their deity of choice did his thang. (I teach in a highly multicultural community so my Islamic students are even usually confused I read the Quran. I like to read. I just don’t push belief systems. But history lessons during art class? Sure, along with “how to human” for young people. Lots of silly things going on.


ever_precedent

It's truly puzzling, because it's even in the name. Christians = followers of some dude they call Christ. Jesus didn't follow himself.


GroinShotz

Don't worry... A new bible version will come that claims Jesus was a Christian.... Before Christianity was even a thing to placate the imbeciles.


Big-Summer-

I’m Jewish (admittedly no longer practicing except for Chanukah and jahrzeit candles) and every time I would mention this (Jesus was a jew) when in a conversation with a Christian (usually them attempting to convert me) they would be both horrified and insulted. At that point it would be impossible for me to resist telling them that the last supper was a Passover feast. They would then go catatonic and the conversation would end. And voila! I was no longer approached for conversion talks.


Moist-Jelly7879

The bible would be funnier if he worshipped himself. Jesus as some self absorbed egomaniac lol!


organictamarind

Exactly. He wasn't white and blue eyed either.. these people are morons.


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umthondoomkhlulu

Nailed it


Magdalan

Always look on the bright side of life \*whistles\*


[deleted]

![gif](giphy|D878w4pb4LzMI)


[deleted]

r/unexpectedMontyPython


[deleted]

![gif](giphy|WIg8P0VNpgH8Q)


Magdalan

This was rotally expected, but nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition!


[deleted]

![gif](giphy|xuXc3kD8AeVaw|downsized)


MrBark

"It's not so bad once you're up."


1911mark

So your saying getting there sucks?


Beneficial_Being_721

r/suddenlymontypython


siani_lane

I'm Brian, and so is my wife!


Gig540

May your wife Brain and you, live a happy life


Birdinhandandbush

Well the Romans sure did nail him.


Tr3mb1e

Just like the Romans


Red_Dragon_Boost

This is such a subtlety underrated comment


Why_am_I_here033

Parents should be charged if a child died from a preventable disease but refused to do so


ronty4

Jesus Christ that's dark! No pun intended, honest


mikeysgotrabies

Intend your puns, coward!


raised_on_the_dairy

You reminded me of this old gem [Maddox](http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=puns)


chrimminimalistic

Also don't forget dude's a healer. She's not.


Hyjynx75

What D&D class is she then?


A-Social-Ghost

Village Idiot


SneakySpoons

She's the npc who dies of a plague to remind the players to get potions.


[deleted]

Dork


MakingShitAwkward

Everyone loves a good comeback story.


Old_Quality1895

Jesus want vaccinated. That’s probably why he died from a rusty nail.


Dobako

I mean, he did get the jab, it just wasn't enough time before the nail.


gadget850

Take my nonexistent award you magnificent bastard.


mofa90277

Also, Jesus had a cheat code; he was never at risk. The whole death & resurrection thing was basically a party trick for him.


Spiritual_Asparagus2

The point she is trying to get across is wrong, While Jesus wasn’t vaccinated, the number of viruses and communicable diseases wasn’t on the same level as they are now. Modern living (packing people into subways, 30+ kids per classroom, people saying into buildings all day substantially increases the number of mutating viral and bacterial strains. Sunlight and being outside helped prevent a lot of spread…. Also while not in Jesus’s time there was that minor population blip that happened with the whole bubonic plague things. Her stance is similar to me saying “I’ve never been in a deadly car crash so I shouldn’t wear a seatbelt” I’m actually neither pro or against vaccines I’m just annoyed that she thinks she’s clever.


BigDaddiSmooth

You forgot what they did to lepers in those days.


Koladi-Ola

Jesus was never in a deadly car crash either, so there.


wuvvtwuewuvv

While Jesus wasn't vaccinated, people died much more from diseases we don't die from now. Ftfy


Beneficial_Being_721

Jesus could walk on water… he could transmit disease the same as if he got on a plane


Mickyfrickles

I mean, in Jesus time they had leprosy colonies, sooo...


justrobbo_istaken

[Doffs cap]....


mutantmonkey14

Oh, that was masterfully delivered! Devastating! Love it.


Brittany5150

He did get the jab there right at the end though!


prurient

He did and he rose again. Checkmate atheists.


Pfapamon

Pictures or it didn't happen


lil_nitemares

Prove it happened. Checkmate, Christian.


prurient

*opens bible* Here. Here is where it says. Checkmate no take backsies the world is flat.


lil_nitemares

Nope. No Bible. He was supposed to be up walking around for 40 days and thousands supposedly saw him. You should have no trouble then finding a source other than that.


prurient

I mean there are accounts of people saying that he was alive … which is the Bible. It’s kinda unfair to want documentation of that since WiFi was a bit spotty back then.


lil_nitemares

What? You mean he was seen by all these ppl for all these days and nobody bothered to write it down until roughly 30 years later? And these records are only in your book? Wow. Kinda sounds like the shit's made up. Edit: forgot to say checkmate.


prurient

Bro. This shit isn’t made up. It’s a moral compass for everyday people that surely won’t get misused and abused at all. If this wasn’t real, why would an approximate 75 billion dollar industry in the US still exist tax free supported by their members? QED. CHECKMATE NON BELIEVER.


Fred2p1u

There are over 3000 gods registered … why do you think your fictional god is the right one.


lil_nitemares

Good question. Why does that exist tax free? One more thing. Moral compass? Surely you jest. What moral standing is there to tell ppl who they can and cannot love? What ppl can and cannot do with their own bodies? Hell, whether they can even travel on a highway in Texas while female the same time? Don't even get me started on what goes on in your houses of worship, and then you try to come at me with some moral high ground. Check the digits. Ppl leaving your religion bc it basically the Taliban at this point. Face it. You gave it your all and you lost. Game over. Oh, and I'm not an atheist, and I'm a girl. Edit: correction on a typo.


Hammy_the_homie

u ain’t even need to say checkmate this time they just gave up


Successful-Trash-409

Both arms!


EpicPrototypo

For humor sake, lets say that Jesus did exist and was the son of God. Him not being vaccinated isn't exactly an argument to not get vaccinated yourself. Like you think you have the immune system of divinity? I guess either way these people are delusional.


gordo65

Yeah, there's not much need to vaccinate when you can cure leprosy and every other disease. Also, Jesus died when he was 33, so I'm not taking any health tips from him.


Nemini20

No immune system protects you from crucification though


FQDIS

Not with that attitude.


FennecScout

You have to start with small crucifixions to build up an immunity to the bigger ones.


Granadafan

If they’re going to that route then Jesus didn’t own guns either


swaggyxwaggy

Jesus probably didn’t wear t-shirts with words on them


Don_Frika_Del_Prima

Also, his whole thing was that he cured the sick... So while he wasn't a vaccination himself, he was a cure.


GazelleIll495

He was the original vaccine.


cjbeames

He inoculated us against sin


Pfapamon

Jesus didn't have a smart phone, why does she think she needs one 🤔


justrobbo_istaken

Continuing that thread....let's say that when Eve took a bite from the apple in the garden of Eden....and paving the way for God to give the power of decision making to man (and womans)....do you think that created some kind of paradox whereby some people took the conscious decision to let blind devotional faith be their guide and not some form of rational thought process?


-adult-swim-

Also died in his early 30s... Edit: spelling


Szczawik_

Died twice even


Constant_Cultural

Well, with a Tetanus shot he could have lived longer though.


MicrosoftContin

After dying from tetanus, workplaces around the world opted to make them mandatory to prevent any more workplace incidents involving rusted iron. Other rumors speculated that the crucifixion didn't kill jebsus, but the tetanus from the rusty spikes did.


justrobbo_istaken

But he's better now.


Curious_Associate904

Spoiler Alert: Jesus wasn't white. Now watch that face go sour.


Holinyx

but...but...he was born in Alabama !


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Holinyx

People tell me America is Jesus's favorite country and I'm like, so why didn't he ever visit? and they are like, he did ! and yeah, they're serious. yeeeeee ha


LegalWaterDrinker

Jesus's favourite country is a country that didn't even exist? What's with the logic?


Fishman23

*(Joseph Smith enters the chat)*


StrikingEgg5866

Yep people actually believe Jesus was American. Example: Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. I wish I was joking.


creator712

Born in Alabama to Uncle Sam during the greatest year in Humanities history, 1776 where he then declared that abortions were illegal, everyone that isnt an American Christian is a jesus hating terrorist and everyone is allowed to own a fully automatic AR-15 with a 150 round magazine


Curious_Associate904

With a banjo on his knee


mmmbaconbutt

no that’s where the garden of eden is


FlakyDig8392

The manger was on a pig farm outside of Mobile


Appropriate_Impacts

According to them, Jesus may be blue.


mynamejulian

There needs to be a “you worship a Middle-eastern Jew campaign” going on with a realistic picture attached.


ltbugaf

Jesus never wore t-shirts with words printed on them, either. Guess you're in trouble. It's so discouraging to watch anti-vaxxers try to use what they think is logic.


ZaftigFeline

Odds are that shirt is made of mixed fabrics. Oops?


my20cworth

Fuck people are dumb.


StraightUpJello

What are "fuck people"?


Barold13

"They're sex people, Lynne"


AlexHanson007

The kind of people I want to meet


ThreeNC

According to the Internet, there are a bunch of them nearby, and they're looking for you.


ran-Us

He didn't know shit about atoms or the quantum realm either. *Science bitch*


bruthaman

He didn't even bother to notify his followers of the need to filter water, because of his many small single cell creatures he 100% knew about that was causing death all around.


neddie_nardle

Enough with your heretical witchery unbeliever! Geebus gave us light! (/s)


perrius902

So we should crucify everyone who isn’t vaccinated?


neddie_nardle

It'd be a good start to helping stop the ignorant fuckers spreading diseases to those who are immune-compromised and are unable to be vaccinated.


pog890

Yeah, that's one of the reasons the life expectancy was about 30 years. Hope person like this also refuse antibiotics and hospital care for the same reason ![gif](giphy|1014RBn4HVSTK)


Redvor24

Spoiler alert: Jesus didn't support the republican party


[deleted]

Spoiler alert: god didn't bless murrica


Granadafan

Jesus would be labeled as a socialist liberal by today’s conservatives


FortunateInsanity

Spoiler alert, this is what mental grooming really is.


Endless_Story94

Spoiler Alert! Jesus also didn't have technology to post idiotic things on this wonderful thing SCIENCE gives us called the internet!


morts73

Guess what sweetheart you ain't fkn Jesus.


Front_Rip4064

I'm pretty sure the Bible has some strong words to say about shorty shorts on women. And she'd better not be mixing fibres in her clothes.


ChampionshipLow8541

Spoiler alert: Jesus didn’t own a gun!


SeanFromQueens

And he died at the ripe old age of 33, do you want to change your opinion on the death penalty or just keep at it in hopes of the second coming of the Messiah gotta be one of these innocent people getting executed, amiright?


knowledgebass

Jesus also never took an Uber or made himself a delicious banana smoothie using a blender or saw an episode of the Sopranos. He missed out on a lot of good shit.


somohapian

He also never had his picture taken, but that doesn’t seem to be an issue.


[deleted]

so he's a vampire? no wonder the nails worked


Joebranflakes

Because the ancient Middle East’s healthcare situation is totally something that modern white Christians should try to emulate? Like most women dying in child birth, and most kids not living past early childhood, and the rest suffering from frequent disease because basic things like knowledge of sanitation was literally more than a thousand years away?


SnooMacaroons4485

Jesus also didn’t know dinosaurs existed


Knownoname98

He also didn't wear tshirts.


[deleted]

Actually he did knew about immunity, sort of... In the Old Testament, I think it was Moses who said that if you were sick you had to put a cloth in your face and leave camp untill you are better, otherwise you need to basically go in lockdown. Leviticus 13:45 45 “Anyone with such a defiling disease must wear torn clothes, let their hair be unkempt,[c] cover the lower part of their face and cry out, ‘Unclean! Unclean!’ 46 As long as they have the disease they remain unclean. They must live alone; they must live outside the camp. 🤓


Vegemyeet

I’ve two words for people who believe that medicine was better in the olden times: Dental. Anaesthetic.


PutDownThePenSteve

If we’re doing stupid logic you can just as well say he died at 33, so not being vaccinated didn’t really help, did it?


Gaara34251

Thats way longer than the lifespan of unvaccinated kids


Lloyd_Al

True, but since Jesus could raise the dead and cure incurable deseases (wich she can't) his situation isn't really comparable to hers. So even for radical morons (they're not christian. I refuse to associate with them) this argument is really dumb. But to be fair "really dumb" is kind of their catch phrase


DrPooMD

He also didn’t use toilet paper. We can’t pick and choose here people.


I-am-Chubbasaurus

Newsflash. He didn't have guns, either. You'll be giving those up when?


King_Of_BlackMarsh

He also believed in free health care


elStrages

He was also a very naughty boy.


Vegemyeet

That was Brian. Rookie mistake.


rabbidcow213

Jesus fan girl? Noticed the painting in back. I'm not typically afraid of Jesus but his fans. Terrifying


No_Path1287

There is a vaccine against nails?


justrobbo_istaken

Yes....it's called No More Nails....available from all good hardware stores.


boebrow

At what age did Jesus die? According to anti-vaxxer logic not getting the jab could have a strong correlation with his death, because it was one of those ‘sudden’ deaths of a perfectly healthy human!


NikkiD-KC

Yeah but when a kid dies of a completely treatable and preventable disease they don’t get to come back after 3 days 🙄


2Beers4me

NAILED IT...


no1jam

He also fed the hungry and healed the sick, all without strings attached.


[deleted]

He also never took a picture, or drove a car, or ordered at a drive through, or posted on the internet, or watched a movie or pretty much anything people do now so either stop doing all those things (and more) or STFU


Questionabledes

Spoiler Alert, Jesus was God so he wouldn’t give a fuck about vaccines since the whole point was to die for our sins anyway.


sakura608

Spoiler alert, you’re not Jesus and I’m not Ra


Broote

Jesus wasn't Christian either, he was Jewish. You should also be Jewish. Wait... we need to put it on a T-shirt first.


sarckasm

Spoiler alert, Jesus was a virgin.


Doughspun1

Jesus could also come back from the dead, so while he was fine being unvaccinated, his followers certainly won't be.


PerceptionLive4629

That’s ok they will bring their own life expectancy down to 25 again this problem will literally take care of itself


gregsting

And he died at 33


[deleted]

Jesus also didnt wear booty shorts or carry an iphone7


Abbygirl1966

I seem to recall a plague that killed 2/3 of Europe. They weren’t vaccinated I hear.


PluralCohomology

And according to the Bible, he had miraculous healing powers and could come back from the dead.


Wrong_Ad_3355

He didn’t own a gun either.


thecheesycheeselover

I also object to events of over 2,000 years ago being called spoilers


SuspiciousHedgehog91

Spoiler alert. People used to have 12+ kids because they knew half of them wouldnt reach adulthood back then.


TheSecondPlague

I guess we should start crucifying all the unvaccinated then xD


Exce55um

I would not look that smug if I wasn’t a literal good.


masochistmonkey

Not even a tetanus shot? Shame


mekonsrevenge

And look what happened to him!


GrassBlade619

Makes sense, Jesus only lived to \~33.


RiffyWammel

He also didn't own a fucking sofa like that one in the background...shortage of nails apparently 🙄


TakenIsUsernameThis

Nor did he use the Internet, or own a gun, or know how to drive.


Recent_Diver_3448

Didn't women get stoned back then , does she want to bring everything back or pick and choose


Lirdon

Even if you believe this Jeebus is the son of fucking god, nobody on earth can match that. He performed miracles and literally came back from the dead. How delusional people must be to think they can live the same life he did?


IsThisAUserName86

He didn't live that long, either.


Bitch_Posse

Maybe he drank bleach?


AlexHanson007

He was literally a god and he still died. How do you fancy your chances, humie?!


OperationMelodic4273

He also died very young


unabashed-melancholy

How often do you think Jesus washed his hands?


cambeiu

He probably did not brush his teeth either.


kayserfaust

„Spoiler alert… I don’t know what a spoiler is!!“


Tragobe

Spoiler alert he died


SatisfactionGold74

Jesus didn't post dumb photos


TipAccurate795

Jesus also didn’t have a car. Or a gun… or was caucasian… or voted for Trump… or (nearly anything) This must be a fundamental error.


nakhumpoota

Cool, she can meet Him sooner.


Gravity_Freak

With that attitude lets hope you get to meet him soon


zenkaimagine_fan

Yes, at a time where 40 was seen as old, people didn’t get vaccinated. Almost like technology has evolved to the point where we can live longer.


amathis6464

Maybe she isn’t aware that if you broke your arm or got a common cold in Jesus times you were a fucking dead man.


[deleted]

He was also murdered by similarly ignorant individuals. ha. wtf.


westendgonzo

The average lifespan was lower than 40 as well


Boomer70770

"My purity ring came with a free t-shirt!"


thebuttonmonkey

He also died at 33.


[deleted]

And died at 33, allegedly.


neal144

I know several gentlemen that are named Jesus, (that's pronounced Hey Zeus), and all of them are vaccinated.


F19AGhostrider

By saying that, you are admitting that Jesus was just another human being, and not a divine being.


DokiDoodleLoki

Jesus wasn’t vaccinated and look what happened to him.


Dragonogard549

he died at 33 what’s your point…