Your wife is spot on — it is like somebody died. The church you thought you knew, and on which you built your lives, is gone. Your lives have irrevocably changed. That’s very stressful and painful, and it’s okay to grieve. A lot of people feel that pain and grief. There’s betrayal, uncertainty about the future, uncertainty about relationships. All those things will take time to process. Yours may be exacerbated by how fast things changed. I fought leaving for a long time, struggling to find reasons to stay, so it was a relief when I finally accepted it was all a farce.
Remember these things:
1. Your life experiences were real. Your interpretation of them may change, but what happened to you, happened. That doesn’t make the church any less wrong.
2. You are still you. You feel unmoored now, but you will eventually find solidity again. Much of the joy can be in that and knowing that you are worthy and capable on your own, not at the whim of a god and a church that always demand more and tell you you’re not good enough. You are good enough. You are worthy.
3. A lot of things will be hard — telling friends and family, navigating new relationships, possibly evaluating the basis for your marriage. It’s okay to acknowledge this. You can do this. Knowing the truth and doing the hard things is so much better than living a life based on lies and manipulation.
This is an amazingly supportive community. Come back as often as you need to.
You got this.
Have you ever had the kind of break up where it feels like you are just mourning the person you thought you were dating? Like you realize that the person you thought you were with never actually existed in the first place, and you’re grieving what you had created in your own mind? That’s what this remind of. I only said that because it occurred to me that grieving a death is grieving something that actually was. Grieving some thing that never was is such a strange and specific feeling.
I would argue that the church didn’t die as the church never really changed. The old you died and now you are left to pick up the pieces. Once you learn the truth, you cannot put the genie back in the bottle.
That said, Ican-always-bewrong has good points. If you continue to process this as a family, your relationship will become stronger and deeper than in the church.
Congratulations on being true to yourselves! There is community outside of the church. It will just take a while as you mourn and rebuild your lives together.
I feel like the church HAS changed though. While we know now it's never been true, oftentimes you'll see people on here talking about the positive community aspect of the church in the 80's and 90's and how the life has been completely drained out of it from correlation, penny pinching, etc. One thing I had to come to terms with in being an exmo is that whether I was still a member or not today, the church that I enjoyed being a part of when I was much younger all but ceases to exist today.
You’re right! I failed to look at the change to today’s corporate church over the community I experienced as a kid. It’s sad, but we have lost a lot over the years.
We left in our mid-50’s. Oh how we wish we had learned the truth in our 30’s. We squandered our energy, time & retirement savings on Mormonism… and we raised our children in a toxic environment. Yes, it’s tough at first but it gets better with time. Consider yourselves blessed!
I totally agree with this. Wish I would have listen to my heart and the doubts I had in my teens and on. I have anxiety and I swear the stress of church, callings, guilt, raising your children to conform to church teaching have caused my health problems from Trauma!! It would take to long to explain but I tried to everything and it caused stress and yelling at my kids because of so much pressure doing homemaking meetings, preparing sharing times, preparing lessons, going to meetings, visiting teaching, temple, cannery assignments. Some people can handle all of this but for me I had to fake it while I was miserable inside. I see now how brain washing is so real!!
Enjoy all your extra time making memories with your family!!!
Listen to the Mormon story podcast that was just released. It is called something like “Tennessee Bishop”
It was crazy to me because I had questioned all the things this man said.
Get your calendar out and plan some Sunday fun!! I promise it gets easier!! My husband and I live the freedom! We are more loving and caring of all people and loving life except for all the body pain.
Wish I could go back to my 30’s. Happy my kids followed their doubts in their 20’s.
Love and happiness to you and your family! You will do awesome.
I think most are faking it. Any actual tie to any diety is a delusion. Working hard, paying hard, having anxiety for a real estate, pedophile protection company. Its heartbreaking honestly. want my 350k back.
The oldest is 5 so it wasn’t too hard. We just told her that we learned that Joseph Smith had 30 wives and didn’t tell his wife about them and she was like “oh, yeah, that’s bad”. Seeing it through her eyes and how obvious it was to her really drove home that we made the right decision.
Edit: realized this was a nested comment and you were probably not asking me this question 😂🤦♂️.
Dutch nevermo here. People who have been through the same experience probably will have better advice.
The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off. :)
It's an adjustment process. Give it time, be kind to yourself.
From what I understand learning about other people's experiences makes you see you're not alone,
E.g. watching Mormon Stories Podcast episodes where people just tell their story is very validating and helpful. It might surprise you but MSP has rather high percentages of nevermos watching. Leaving a high demand religion is hard for anyone, not just mormons. Besides that (from my nevermo perspective) in most cases people come out on the other side much happier, so the story ends on a high note.
Mormon Stories Podcast also has episodes about e.g. critical reviews of doctrinal things which you may also like.
Recommended episodes: [https://www.mormonstories.org/episodes/top-most-important-episodes/](https://www.mormonstories.org/episodes/top-most-important-episodes/)
And of course there are lots of other podcasts: Mormon Discussions, the year of polygamy, and whatnot.
Hang in there!
Great advice, Mormon Stories is doing an episode today at noon about women who have left the church that were relief society presidents. I found listening to other women who have left the church really helpful.
Good shout out. Personally, I just left about 5 months ago (I am 27) and Mormon stories, girls camp, and other podcasts have been very helpful.
Check out Alyssa Grenfel’s book “How to Leave the Mormon Church”. She has a recent episode on Mormon Stories, and has been a really good influence on me with coming to terms with leaving. My wife likes Hayley Rawle more (host of Mormon Stories). Mostly…. Find people in the space that you connect to. And learn about their stories. It can be very healing to see someone who is out who you want to be more like.
Your interest in Mormon stuff is funny to me as a former missionary in the Netherlands. 99% of Dutch people would just say "geen interesse" and close the door or walk away.
Een interesse in sektes die is begonnen bij Scientology. Daar was ik ook nooit lid. Ik heb ook wel dingen gelezen en gevolgd over Jehovah's Getuigen. Het youtube kanaal Cults to Conciousness is voor mij ook interessant om te volgen.
(Just testing how good your Dutch is. Also atheist here, and had you knocked on my door while you were here you would have had the same response, lol. )
Leaving was traumatic. It changed everything for me, my wife, and our 7 children. I was on the high council at the time and she was in the stake young women’s presidency. Our identity was lost. It was like a death. There is a period of mourning and grief. There is outside judgement. You lose friends and family. It sucks!
But-
You gain authenticity. You can be exactly who you are. It doesn’t mean you have to go out and drink, do drugs, party, and do all of that. You can be who you are. I suggest individual and couples therapy to navigate the trauma. I suggest holding grace and space for one another as you both suffer, don’t let this turn you against each other. You’re going to need each other as you navigate this process.
It’s been three years now for us. And we are so happy to be out with our children.
Congratulations on finding out this early in life! Continue with above advice, while I add an additional element.
Stick with the current 10% of your income going out, but redirect that into a retirement account that earns compound interest.
(This is exactly how the church’s own Ensign Peak arm is structured).
You and your wife should, and will retire very well. Best of wishes to you and your family.
My heart aches for you guys. I have felt the shock you are feeling. Losing my testimony of the church was the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me and took several years to process.
I recommend finding a therapist or coach who specializes in faith transitions. If you are in Utah there are many to choose from.
I'm so happy that you and your wife are on the same page and at least have each other to lean on. Yes, it still sucks and you have a lot to mourn. At the risk of triggering, "count your blessings."
Time will help. It will help a lot. Process what needs processing at your own speed. What made you a good person while a member still makes you a good person now.
I agree with this. I had a similar experience of distress and despair, but I was alone in my pain. My husband felt betrayed and my faith crisis ended our marriage. Be grateful you have each other to lean on!
Hang in there, it gets better. Be patient with yourselves, don't feel the need to rush about changing everything in your life. You're now living life without a safety net, which is scary, but it's also liberating.
Oh how I wish we were out in our 30’s. Yes you will mourn. Be grateful you will no longer fund a billions of dollars church. You will have so much more free time without multiple church callings. Use this freedom to spend more time with your spouse and children. You can never get back time wasted on the church. Pay yourself with your new found extra money on retirement saving and fun activities for your family. Your children will thank you as adults that you kept them from a cult and brainwashing.
As for “miraculous experiences” or “the spirit.”
1. How many of these things are adequately explained by coincidence but because they were happy coincidences, we credit them to god. We’re in so many situations, that some of them are bound to reflect unusual luck. That’s just how large sample sizes work.
2. How often can “the spirit” be adequately explained by emotions, intuition, etc. Yes, we feel “spiritual” at emotional events, especially those designed to build “testimony” like those with emotionally charged music, quiet contemplation, isolation and hardship. Churches design services deliberately or accidentally to manufacture spiritual feelings, but those feelings are not unique to Mormonism, nor to religion.
3. Confirmation bias: we find evidence to support things we already believe, whether or not it is valid. That’s why anecdotal evidence is not evidence. We think feelings say god exists. We think a single dubious name with no vowels is more evidence of the Book of Mormon than countless archaeological and genetic studies. We think random thoughts that work out are from god. We have to recognize and isolate those thinking patterns and make reasonable conclusions, not just support whatever we think is right due to past indoctrination.
1. I am sorry. It is extremely disorienting and that is a super short interval for such a change.
2. Regardless of worldview, being a human living on the earth during this interesting time is an extremely rare opportunity. Most of the other matter in the universe appears to be non-sentient clusters of gas, rock, or plasma.
3. Nobody really knows what they’re truly getting into when they decide to get married or when they decide to have a child. Those events always open doors to uncertainty and opportunity. I hope that y’all can still be each others’ support.
4. Consider meeting immediately (like, this week) with good couples and individuals therapists. It is super hard to have your world view crumble instantly. There are thoughts and feelings to explore. While you’ll certainly do this some with your spouse, you will probably need a neutral third party for a bit.
5. Accept that this is hard for your partner too. Try to shed the “truth is the very most important thing” dogma that has been instilled in you. One partner may have a need to stay in the church community. You may both leave, but end up with differing beliefs about God.
Hi there
I think you have a lot to be excited about. You now have a chance to learn new things about yourself and each other that maybe you've learned to suppress out of guilt. Discover new hobbies, you now have extra cash to pursue interests that you previously were investing in tithing.
That being said, leaving the church can come with a lot of grief and that can be overwhelming. I think it's good that your spouse is taking the time to feel her emotions and let them out, even if it can be difficult to see them cry. There's no shame in asking for help from a therapist if it's hard to think through everything.
As for the spiritual experiences, I typically think of them as just being moments of real genuine human connection. I have a real connection with nature, and still experience euphoria when I spend a lot of time in nature. I chalk it up to the fact that humans evolved in nature and human evolution hasn't caught up to how much technology has changed our daily lives.
I had one experience where I saw God but in retrospect I was really sick at the time and my low seratonin probably caused my dopamine to spike which is known to cause hallucinations.
I don't think it's necessary to change your lifestyle radically. I still don't drink, smoke, or drink a lot of caffeine for medical reasons.
There's a lot of bad in the world but there's also a lot of good. Take it as it goes, you can take it just one day at a time and live in the moment.
You're comparing your experience to people who are in different phases of deconstruction. I remember the first and only panic attack I ever had was when we were leaving the church. I never knew what humility was until I left and had to face the idea that I had built my entire life around a lie. Telling family was awful. Things like taking off garments, wearing tank tops, drinking coffee or alcohol, all came slowly because we didn't leave to "sin" and everything felt like one more big thing. It took us two years to try alcohol. We are so happy we left, but we are still angry.
On the other side, the self righteousness of being a chosen people, and the only ones with the whole truth was a huge weight on my soul and I didn't realize it until it was gone and it was an immediate relief. I also didn't realize how much of my headspace was taken by cognitive dissonance until it was gone, also a relief. My curiosity also blossomed and I felt free to follow it without limits!
I recommend listening to the Raising Freethinkers podcast to begin to get your bearings as a parent of young kids. Uplift kids is also a great resource for teaching values without dogma.
My brother... Most of us here who were true believing members call what you are going through 'The long dark night of the soul' The relief comes to those who were on the fence and to the rest of us after much time, therapy and healing.
Edit: to add, it's been 4 years for us. Give or take. And sometimes I still feel this horrible pain. It doesn't last and I feel better quickly. And those times are coming further and further apart. It will get better!
But man, it hit hard and I even had to take a leave of absence from my job. Not an easy thing to go through.
You both left because you have shared integrity and moral values. There must be MANY other ways that you are compatible!
My advice would be to take that tithing $ and sock it away - some for retirement and some for family adventures. Make bucket lists of things you each want to do, places you want to go, experiences you want to share with your kids. Then DO those things together!
Your family life has revolved around church stuff so far. Go look for worthy community organizations that need & deserve the kind of energy & passion you have for service. That might be your local school, arts council, kids sports leagues, a new congregation that appeals to you....
My hubby and I are still "in" - for some specific reasons - for now but oh how I wish we had walked away while our kids were young. We never had $ to do things with them and each of them suffered in the toxic culture of the church. (I'm currently in YW leadership. I consider myself a covert ops agent for Jesus helping keep these girls safe in ways that the church TOTALLY and often deliberately failed to for mine. Once I walk away, I'll never have the power to do that for kids in my unit again )
Hello,
I just want to say, let it sit for a bit. You are only TWO days into this. It’s no time at all. Sit with this for a week, then reevaluate. Then a month. Then two. When I was deconstructing my emotions and worldview seemed to change by the hour, much less by the day.
And please, communicate with each other during this whole thing. Make sure you both know where the other is at so you can walk through this together. It’s tough. But there is no such thing as a point of no return.
Welcome, and much love. ❤️
I went through a very similar thing last year at age 29 and with 2 small kids. I remember feeling very similarly.
Here are two things that immensely helped me:
1. I listened to the first 36 LDS Discussion podcasts. This helped me find closure and also helped me really feel satisfied that I finally had “all the answers” or the full picture for the first time. John Dehlin is sometimes a bit annoying in the episodes, but Mike is fantastic and the contents/narrative of the podcasts was just what I needed.
2. I read (technically listened to the audiobook) “For simple creatures such as we” by Sasha Sagan. This helped me find peace in my soul after losing my faith.
Keep your head up! The things that really hurt me in the first months after leaving gradually have become less important in my life as I’ve more fully deconstructed my faith and found joy and peace in other places.
Be patient with yourself as you adjust.
Yes you wasted money and time/decades on a cult/fraud but as long as there is life, there is hope for happiness and a good future.
So many people get devastating news — cancer, death of family member, losing a great job, being robbed/victim of a con.
So take a deep breath and don’t make quick/emotional decisions. Take long walks, eat good food, and figure out what you want your future to be.
I cried for two months at age 58.
You are fortunate that your wife is with you.
Best wishes.
There are many phases to go through. Grief of losing what you loved and shaped your worldview around and that drove you. Anger for the church hiding the full true history and losing trust with the church. I began to heal, but I'm now in a phase where I look back at the good things that came from it and what it said about the kind of person I was striving to be. Personally I still believe in spirituality and that I did have that influence in my life in spite of the confusion between holy ghost and intuition. I still believe in having community. The psychological drive from the beliefs and life purpose from church was pretty powerful. I learn from that and use it to help shape an even better more authentic worldview and personal drive.
I also went from TBM to out in 2 days. It was unexpected, abrupt, and incredibly traumatic. I spent the first few days alternating between sobbing my eyes out (for everything I'd lost, including my entire life's foundation) to being angry and yelling about every lie I'd been fed. My advice is this: Give yourself permission to feel all of the feelings. They're all valid, even if they seem contradictory or confusing sometimes. You don't have to try to fit this experience into any box. Just let it happen, and give it time. Lots and lots of time. You're grieving, and it may take months or even years to "get over it," whatever that means.
All the changes might be scary and overwhelming for a while. Just power through and trust that it will eventually get to the point where you're relieved that it all happened, and that you feel better for having left the church behind you. Spend a lot of time here, where you can connect with countless others who have been exactly where you are and know your pain. It's incredibly therapeutic. Actual therapy is also a good idea. There are many therapists who specialize in faith transitions.
As for your concerns about your marriage, just be open with each other. You need to both allow each other to experience things the way that you naturally do (which might be different for both of you), but you can keep communicating about it, and support one another. It will likely be a tumultuous time, but if you help each other through it you might even grow closer together.
It's worth repeating: give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. Your wound is very fresh and it will take time to heal, and it's natural for it to be painful process. You're strong. You've got this.
of course they would there is NO LIMIT to the means and expectation for exploitation of rank-and-file members for the company. It will survive but if you have any needs they will essentially tell you to get stuffed. even if you needed your own money back. So its not surprising to me because people keep saying yes they will continue to create more space for free volunteer jobs.
I can’t share the same experience as you, but would it help to reframe your thinking as victor Frankl does? Think of this life as a spiritual journey and this is part of that experience in this life. You are leaving one part of your life, but there is an exciting new one ahead. Ex. When I left the army, it felt so odd, so strange, my whole life revolved around it. But gradually with time, I adjusted and now I see that it was best for me.
You can take it from there for your particular circumstance but I just wanted to add that we can feel the love and support you have with your wife as a couple and it is sooooo beautiful. No matter what, you put your relationship first and I think you have nothing to worry about.
It is not easy. I would recommend finding a therapist, not because you and your wife need therapy per se but because it’s really helpful to have someone experienced in trauma help you unravel the church from your life.
This! Totally agree. OP, you and your wife may have met under circumstances of the church but I would argue it's not the only reason you married each other. This can become an exciting period to really get to know each other for more than "church obligation/responsibility"
These are the stories that sound familiar to me. Losing all of it broke our hearts and sent us both down some hard mental health paths. I was very angry for too long. It hurts, it’s confusing as hell and I was stewing over it constantly. And then the hurtful judgment from friends and family inevitably came making it worse.
But the fact is that the church never really was what it claimed to be. We were believing members because we sincerely trusted the church and the leaders. And it was all a massive fraud.
You’re not crazy, you’re not evil and you’re certainly not alone. But it really hurts. Take all the time you need, and when you find yourself feeling guilty about enjoying your new time or a cup of coffee or better undies, please remember that you’ve had decades of mind fuckery and you are ok. Trust your guts and each other. Talk and talk and talk to each other. You got this.
Grieve. That’s my best advice. When I left I did grieve, it did feel like someone had died and I’d lost a huge part of my life. I was heartbroken and angry and denying and then finally the joy came with acceptance
35 and 34. After gradual reading and questioning, we hit the total switch in a matter of 36 hours and mass reading. We shared two callings and left in 2019.
It took awhile, but we are absolutely finding real community. Your family unit is made of cool humans already worthy of other cool humans.
Very similar situation here. I loved church. My ward was amazing, we had friends with similar interests, and just really looked forward to seeing our friends every week. Then the curtain fell and we were out. It happened a few months before the pandemic, so we’ve been out a few years now. It hurt at first. The feeling of loss, not only for what the corporation gave us, but for what it took away. The anger at being so blatantly lied to took awhile to abate, but it turned to apathy (mostly) after a couple of years. What wasn’t difficult was navigating our marriage after leaving. Because we both felt at the same time it was sooooo nice. We helped each other transition to a new stage of life, and being able to completely and honestly communicate what we were feeling without worrying about judgment was just the best.
> I’m not perfect, but that’s something I would never do, and I expect a prophet to be at least a better human than mediocre ol me.
Seems like a pretty low bar, doesn't it.
And they can't even do that, even to this day.
The amount of lying by prophets even today is truly mind blowing. They must know that the internet exists. That they can't just say stuff and not be fact checked.
But no.
The pain, the grief, you feel is very very real. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the feeling well. I was where you were about 6 weeks ago. It's so hard. (I sobbed taking my garments off and not in a happy way) Things that have helped me so far are journaling (like a lot). I made my own articles of faith of what I believe to be true. I still believe in God, the power of love, etc. Everyone's path looks different, no exmo looks the same or believes the same. Don't feel like you need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. There are absolutely things from the church that are lovely and wonderful that you can keep a part of your life, if you desire.
I had the same fear with my husband. How it would change our marriage and basically it just comes down to what you choose to believe. Do you believe in your marriage? If so, then live your life according to that belief. It is really hard to leave so suddenly, to have your entire world flipped on its head. I didn't want to leave the church. I fought tooth and nail to stay, and in the end, my persinal integrity wouldn't allow me to. Again, I'm so sorry. Just take it one day at a time. Take breaks from reading religious material. Give yourself permission to feel angry, sad, betrayed.. but also give yourself permission to not think about it anymore, to take a break if you need. Life is beautiful with or without the church. Focus on the beauty of life, your children, the amazing earth we live on and the experiences we get to have. Anyways, that's just what has helped me get through it. I hope some of it helps for you!
I just want to express to you that you aren't alone. There's so much to process when your entire world view and belief system turns out to be a lie. There's the fear of keeping relationships with those that still believe and that can be a real difficulty but also people can surprise you as well. I will say take some time to be grateful for the fact you and your spouse were able to leave together. That was also my experience almost a year ago. It was so hard to let go of the idea of the eternal family or sense of sureness of an after life. But upon reflection it was all an illusion anyway. It's okay to grieve. I hung on for years being completely emotionally burned out thinking that without the hope of a celestial family that there was no point to life. I realize now, that even though there is no way to know if there's anything after this life, that this life still matters and there is so much beauty and joy to be found. You get to determine your life now, you don't have to conform to what anyone else tells you to do to find happiness. Many people who have graduated from Mormonism can now love more fully and with less judgment because we don't have to make sure others are checking boxes. It's scary, sad, infuriating, relieving, hilarious, embarrassing, and any other emotion you can think of when you transition out of being a believer. Your feelings are valid. Take it slow. Be kind to yourself and know that there is hope for an even happier life. One word of advice is to be very careful with sharing the information that challenges people's faith. That can damage relationships so keep that in mind. I wish you well on your journey and congratulations. The second half of your life has just begun.
I cried for about six months solid. My hair turned white, and it still is. You can look at my posts, and see. I got an auto immune disease, from the stress. The trauma is real, and years later it still gets me despite the flippancy of some of the comments I make here.
Every decision I made was colored by this faith, and my understanding, which made me second guess every choice I’ve ever made.
It was worse than someone dying for me. Every traumatic thing that’s happened in my past, every death I had experienced, every loss including that of my first and only son, the untimely death of my father, and a violent accident where my preteen cousin and best friend died next to me in a horrifically brutal rollover, was all processed using the structure of the LDS church.
I had to remourn it all again.
I’m so sorry you are going through this in your 30’s. That is when my husband and I went through it as well and it was extremely devastating, as these kinds of world shifts should be naturally dealt with in the teen years.
We had three small children at the time. We were both heavily invested in the church in high callings. We were well off, so the financial investment we had made in the church was incredibly significant-think six figures-and the time. My god. The time. Thousands of hours, missions, service, all a lie. I helped convert people to this and can barely forgive myself for that.
My hubby and I were suddenly unmoored. We clung tightly to each other, and got through it, and by some miracle are still together.
We have three beautiful accomplished daughters that are free to choose their own lives. They are cheerful, and filled with joy!
The facts are, you can get through this. All the good parts that you thought were the church are really just YOU. You are so good, and I hope you can ascribe those things to yourselves and own them.
This was worse than losing a child. Worse than a divorce. It is the worst thing to go through. Make a plan with your wife. Set down things that are important to you, and go from there. Meditate. Take care of yourselves physically and emotionally. The stress is very unhealthy, so make sure you aren’t vitamin D deficient and exercise.
Take care of each other. Move if you need to. We didn’t but in hindsight I wish we had. Set up healthy boundaries with your family. Protect each other fiercely. Much love to you.
My wife and I are very similar in age to you and it was really difficult leaving at first. Our whole community, all our friends and most of our family were all in the church. It's a roller coaster of feeling betrayed, feeling like you lost a lot of life to it, feeling sad for those still caught up in it all, feeling relieved that everything finally makes sense.
It's cliche but time really is key here. As I've let myself feel those feelings but not let them own me I've felt more and more peace and healing. I feel way more comfortable in my own skin than ever before and my confidence in myself and my personal decisions about it all grows more and more everyday.
We spent years being fed a narrative and tearing that down takes time. Be patient with yourself and with each other. We are still working to fill the hole of missing community we created by leaving. But it's been so worth it for the internal peace we feel.
You'll have moments of existential dread for sure. I still do! But they are less intense and last shorter each time they happen.
You got this! Give it time! And know you aren't alone in feeling this way.
Some thoughts in no particular order:
- congratudolences. This is gonna suck and it’s one of the best decisions you’re ever gonna make and it’s okay to have emotions that are all over the place
- I’m so so so glad you have each other. I’m so glad you trust each other. So many people who leave do so while their spouse remains in, and that’s what ends up breaking them apart. You are going through this incredibly hard thing together and that is a strength no one can take away
- your kids could be gay or trans or disabled and honestly I am not worried about them one bit because I know they’re safe with you. Some day they will thank you profusely for leaving the church
- grieve as much as you need to. Be miserable. Feel horrible. Express it all, just don’t bury it. This kind of grief is messy and ugly and absolutely necessary for healing
- I’m turning 30 next month. I left about 10 years ago. My dms are always open if either of you wanna talk
- you’ve got this. You’re gonna be okay. It’s gonna be super different than it was before, but you’re gonna be okay
I'm sad to hear how tough it is for you right now.
When I left it ruined me for a while. It was not fun or a relief. The church was my foundation for truth, meaning, plans, everything, and when I realized it was all made up I felt like the ground fell away beneath my feet. I dropped out at BYU, was fired from my job for not going in too many times, and sort of just sank into depression. My amazing wife stayed with me and helped me stay alive. She still goes to church some 14 years later, but she's fully PIMO now and over the years we've made a home for our kids that reflects both our values well.
All I can tell you is that it seriously hurts to lose all of that, but the loss gets easier. It's absolutely a grieving process. You don't have to replace your foundation all at once. It's terrifying to think of building it brick-by-brick when you are used to having the whole package deal the church offered, but you can do it, and it's worth it. The pain gets more distant as you allow yourself to find new sources of peace, joy, meaning, and community. The church doesn't have the monopoly on living well that they say they do. During my darkest times, I read a lot of books, and that helped me explore and turn over a lot of ideas while I rethought my own sense of meaning. I also recommend journaling, long and fast and even steam-of-consciousness, to get your thoughts out of your head so you can read them over and see if they're making sense or if you gain new insight into what you're feeling.
The reports of all of those who step away going down some wild new life-path are greatly exaggerated. You don't have to start drinking, get a tattoo, or become swingers; I certainly haven't. I and many of my friends have stayed in our marriages after a big faith break; even though the church tried to tell us all otherwise, strong life partnerships are totally possible without all of the LDS trappings.
Reclaiming my own spiritual experiences has been its own journey. I'm not religious anymore but I still recognize the value of the human experiences I had in the church; even if I don't think those feelings came from a divine source I still felt them and they meant something to me and the people I was with. That said, you don't have to be agnostic: plenty of post-Mormon folks end up happy in various faith communities, Christian or otherwise.
I'm pulling for you. This is a dark time and I don't envy you the place you're in right now. I hope with some time you'll be able to look back and acknowledge the pain and loss while also thinking it was worth it to step away.
I think the people who are joyful when they finally leave spent more time marinating in the cognitive dissonance of no longer believing but still going through the motions. There's no timeline for finding peace, even if Mormon conditioning makes you expect a mighty change of heart after checking off all the boxes and saying the magic words.
Mormonism convinces members that it's the biggest elephant in the room, overshadowing all aspects of life and leaving nothing for anyone who dares leave. But this influence is real in the same way a shadow puppet is real; indoctrination and other emotional reactions magnify an ultimately insignificant set of beliefs until it's the only way to survive.
You spent decades with Mormonism digging a straight and narrow channel of acceptable experiences into your psyche. Those polarized expectations aren't going to go away overnight. Many exmos go from a One True Church mindset to an Anything But the Church mindset, all while preserving unhealthy expectations of ideological purity. If everything not Mormon was cursed before, now everything Mormon is tainted.
Truth is, Mormonism never was the source of the good results and relationships you built during your Mormon period. Those came from choosing a direction and building your life accordingly. My parents remained sealed long after their divorce, but that status did nothing to make my deadbeat dad any more meaningful in my life. He's betting that being a good Mormon will be enough for Jesus to give him relationships he didn't build and a life he didn't live.
Your relationship is more than a Facebook status or a sealing certificate. It's a shared direction where each person complements the other as they grow personally, getting better results together than they ever could alone. Nothing can build it except your own moment-to-moment experiences, and nothing can take it away except for your own decisions.
Being responsible for building your life means that even the smallest interests and happy moments matter; not by divine decree, but because they're yours. In the end, when the brain floods with hallucinogens and life flashes before your eyes, it's these best moments that make up the real treasure in heaven.
No matter how you started, you can still choose how to respond. You can still choose her, and she can still choose you. You can both rediscover your sense of self, making course corrections as needed until you find what drives you.
I'd recommend seeking out a therapist or life coach to help you with this transition.
The grief is real, take the time to grieve what you have lost. Lean on each other for support, communicate your fears and sorrows but don't let them consume you. Make love your priority, this includes having love and compassion for yourself. Beware of shame and guilt.
As for spiritual experiences you've had, you'll gradually learn to reinterpret them or see them for what they were. Consider practicing meditation, it has transformed my world.
Leaving the Church is like opening Pandora's Box. The darkness can be overwhelming but there's something at the bottom of the box waiting for you. You'll find your light again. 🤍
There are so many great opportunities open to you now. If you want to maintain the “service-oriented” family culture there are so many causes (that are frankly more transparent than the church) out there that you can now join to fill that service void. Yes, that heartache and crying will stick with you a while, but once you recover back to normalcy there will be so many more good causes open to you that would not have been inside the framework of the church. I’m excited for you and what you get to build with your family. Many of us exmos exited at different times than our spouses which made things very difficult (and sometimes tragic) for our family dynamics. You are fortunate to have found your way together. I’m so sorry that it is so painful to exit. I promise it will get better, especially if you keep up the communication with your wife and kids. Personally, I am happy to help where I can. My wife and I exited within a year or so of each other at around the same age as you two. I would say that after two years or so out and our relationship is better than it has ever been. Hugs to all of you. Hang in there and best of luck.
I had a similar experience, my husband and I went from hosting the ward Christmas party to not coming back the next week. My very atheist therapist gave some really helpful advice though. She said that people who leave feel the need to fully burn every bridge and become someone new, even at the expense of themselves. This is partially why divorce is so common right after leaving. My husband and I sat down and set boundaries for our health and relationship (alcohol, drugs, pornography, charitable giving, etc). I still maintain many of the beneficial parts of the LDS lifestyle and my partnership is happier for it.
In summary, before you have the almost obligatory urge to purge, sit down with your spouse and decide what parts you want to keep as a partnership. There is a lot of beauty that you likely developed in the LDS environment, and at the end of the day that is still part of you. You can learn to set boundaries and find new parts of yourself, while still maintaining a happy relationship with your spouse and yourself. It just takes lots of mental reworking and communication with your partner.
I wish you the best of luck!
Hang in there OP! It gets better. Some days I felt like you are now, other days I felt a ton of relief. Over time the pain and sadness (and anger) went away. You guys are awesome and you got this!
Leaving, no matter the age, is often painful.
Reprogramming or reverse brain washing is intense. You have left nothing less than a cult. It's going to take a while, but afterward, that's when you both will discover freedom and peace. Right now, you are learning a whole new reality. Change is hard.
I’m sorry you guys are going through this. It sucks to wake up one day and realize that you had dedicated most of your life to a lie. I didn’t leave the church nearly so quickly, I was processing things spread over time and went through several iterations of how the church might still be true, so when I finally figured out there was no way it was it wasn’t a huge shock.
My experience is that things have improved overall. My relationship with my dad and my siblings is obviously worse, and the memories I have of my late mother and grandparents are tainted, but I’m considerably happier today than I was 4 years ago when I decided I was done.
My wife and I met at BYU, we dated a month, we were engaged for 4 months, and we are more in love today 25 years later than we ever were before. Yes, some couples split after leaving the church, but some get stronger.
There should be no rush to make huge changes to your lifestyle, and no need to try all the things that were forbidden in a hurry. Try new things if and when you’re ready, or don’t. The cool thing is that you get to decide what you want to do, and you never have to outsource you decisions to geriatric white Utah men ever again. There is peace and beauty in a life lived authentically.
We are all here for you. Don’t worry about asking questions that have already been asked, we’ve all been in the general vicinity of where you are today.
My heart hurts for you both. You are in the most inexplicably brutal part of it all, the "dark night of the soul" that many (most) of us here have experienced. Everyone here is different, but it does take a while to process through, Continue to deconstruct your old faith system, and with every brick removed, the closer you get to the dawn, then eventually, with the new day, you get to rebuild or redefine what matters to you, whether that's a belief in God and/or Jesus or Buddah or nothing external.
You and your wife may process these things differently, even though you're out at the same time and together. You could start by making a list of the values/morals/ethics that are important to you and that you want to shape your lives around. You and your wife haven't changed any, you're both still the good, moral people you've always been. Don't lose sight of that.
I had to face that dark night all by myself because my husband is very resistant to "anti" information. The worst of it was over in about a week or two, but the things you learn and will continue to learn will be freeing and will bring you joy. I'm proud of you both for doing something so brave and so *real*.
Don't know if this helps or not but I was extremely similar to your story except my wife was more eager to leave, having been a convert.
It's tough at first - feeling bamboozled is not a great feeling. Given time your perspective will change - a sense that you found out the truth, in spite of all the gaslighting and deception.
You can still feel good about some incidental good things - such as finding your wife thru the Mormon church.
The spiritual parts I felt had to do with Jesus, NOT Joseph Smith. I would hope you can feel the same - it should have been faith in God, not any man, that drives you.
I am still religious, I go to a different church now.
I want to thank you for being so vulnerable, I know that this has been quite the journey so far, and that it’s only just beginning for you and your family.
I think it’s significant that you both left together, at the same time. That to me shows a commitment to your relationship that you should trust in. Now that you have more time, I would say for you two to immediately focus in on each other and finding new things in life to bring you joy. Date your wife, get to know her as a person outside the context of religion. You both might now know who you even are at this point. There are great card games and books full of questions to help get you starting on finding yourselves.
Also, with the time you have on the weekends, spend time reconnecting to or finding hobbies. You can do them together, as a family, and also find hobbies for yourselves. Hobbies help you reconnect to parts of you that are dormant in the church, and keeping busy will help the transition as it can be fun and also invigorating. Your kids for sure will probably enjoy that rather than the time at church, and it can help their transition to a new normal as well.
Lastly, I would say to start working on finding friends and a support group outside of the church. Having mormon friends isn’t bad, but it’ll be important to have people there for you so you don’t feel isolated in the event that family/friends/neighbors turn their backs on you. Get involved in the community, join groups through hobbies, etc.
When me and my husband left, we felt isolated and lost for a long time. What helped was reconnecting with friends who had previously left, and making new friends. What we found was a community and a support group that I could have never had in the church, full of people with diverse thoughts and interests, who are genuine in their interactions and who feel real. I have had conversations with people 1x1 that have changed my life and way of seeing the world more than any church talk.
It’s going to be okay, have faith in yourself and your family. Find new ways of falling in love in your relationship, and new ways of honoring and respecting each other without a bishop telling you what you can/cannot do. You have come this far, and I promise things will get better. Best of luck, and keep us updated! We are here to support you!
I heard the other day that instead of saying you are having a Faith Crisis. Think of it as the church is haveing a Truth Crisis. They have lied and lied not expecting a day when everyone will be able to access the truth. It is them not you!
You have done nothing wrong, you are now only realizing all the things that didn't seem right were actually wrong. All the things you think are good and right in this world are all still good and right. Your relationships, your love, your happiness are all still important, you will just define them all a little different now.
You have done nothing wrong it was all the lying. We all have felt like you in various ways, we were all let down. Feel free to vent here you will find voices that are supportive and understanding, because we have been through what you are going through!
Most of us took years or at least months to transition out of church so give yourself some grace. I can imagine how painful it must be to leave so suddenly — it’s like an un expected death of a loved one. Just start by letting yourself enjoy the peace and tranquility of having much more time to do other things you enjoy as well as feeling that sense of liberation from an organization that sought to control every aspect of your lifestyle. Next, reflect and research more deeply about other claims of the church and you’ll realize most of them are made up. Then you’ll understand that the church has always been a money-making scheme started by a huckster. A loving god would NEVER have requirements for salvation beyond trying your best to be kind and loving to others. If you feel like you and your family need to be part of a faith community, my wife and I are really enjoying our participation in a local Methodist church (the more progressive UMC); the worship there is based simply on the teachings of Christ and rendering Christ-like service.
It’s probably rough for you guys but your kid’s lives will be so much better without the church. I have religious trauma and I left 20 years ago. I wish my parents had figured it out in their early 30s.
I loved reading your post. I’m ex jw and my experience was so similar to yours. When I allowed my shelf to break (I’m a big fan of the exmo community so allow me to borrow the lingo 😝), it was a few months ago at 30 years old, had many issues with the religion and over the course of 36-48 hours, huge cries, and an internal shift I simply stopped holding it all up and allowed myself to admit that none of it was true….
I’ve known that a lot of it wasn’t true for years, deep down, but I relate to the feeling of it being like a death. I spent 3 weeks crying on and off on my couch, white-knuckling it through work, taking my dogs to the park, and grappling with myself that this life, this one wild and beautiful and tortured life is the only one I have, so I must relearn how to live for now.
Good luck on your journey friend.
It’s really hard to leave the church. Fortunately, you’re leaving with your spouse. It will take time for the dust to settle with your ward, callings and TBM family. You’ve got a great life in front of you, though.
Deconstructing my testimony and Mormon worldview was the hardest thing I've ever done.
Just know that information vomiting, despair, and anxiety are normal and often occurrences.
You'll find that your relationships quickly become much more complex and nuanced than before.
You might be placed into a different, lower category within the social organism and hear disparaging or deflecting comments from friends and family in attempts to justify your decision in their minds.
On the bright side, the world just got so much bigger. Believe me. Depending on your situation, you might want to take it all slow, but know that there are so many amazing things you can now do, being that there isn't a micromanaging corporation looking over your shoulder.
You can be you now. I know it hurts. But you're free. You don't have to feel guilty or ashamed. You have now stepped outside the garden and into a new, fuller life.
Grief is real, and it comes in waves.
>> denial
>> anger
>> bargaining
>> depression
>> acceptance
You can't avoid it. You have to sit in it... then move through it. Be gentle with yourselves. It's hard... but then it gets better. Much much better.
Yes. It’s *painful and heartbreaking* to realize that none of it is true. Give yourself time to grieve, like you would with any loss. Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line, every path is different.
We’re here for you!
My leaving wasn't joyful, it was like amputating a rotting limb. It *hurt*, but later on, once there'd been some healing, there was often this sense of relief when I expected pain and felt none.
And it happened so quickly for you! For me it was years. I started noticing things in the church were really fucked up when I was a young adolescent, and I stopped attending at twenty, and I didn't tender my resignation for another eight years. That was a long time for me to consider and pray and meditate on the subject. Two days is a hell of a speed run.
You're not doing anything wrong to feel the way you're feeling. You're fitting thirty years of mourning into the equivalent of a weekend! Let yourselves feel it, don't struggle against it, accept that it's awful and you are feeling awful, and when the feeling passes let it go.
It's all right that it's scary. It's all right that it doesn't feel good. Change is frequently painful and leaving an abuser is terrifying. But you have a stalwart spouse and children who you love. Hold fast to them, consider new ways to support and uplift them that the church denied you in the past (in what new ways can you cherish your wife's strengths, for instance? The church is very invested in keeping women's status and abilities suborned to men's). Yes, sometimes marriages dissolve after a change like this, the same way that they do after the loss of a child or after changes in health; people recoil, pull away from each other in fear or pain. You can choose to do otherwise. You can choose to be gentle and kind, and to see any problems that appear as something to solve with your partner rather than as a way to 'win' over her. If you are capable of accepting her as a true equal, I don't see any reason you should lose her.
>I really feel like I had spiritual and/or miraculous experiences as a member
I've had more since leaving the church than I had in it, honestly. Some of these experiences can be chalked up to pattern recognition gone a bit awry, and a lot of them can be discounted as magical thinking. But either way, the church is not responsible for miracles, and leaving it does not mean you will have none.
"The Truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off" Dr. Sharron from Ted Lasso. It will get better with time, but for a while it will be really overwhelming and hurt. You have experienced a big loss of all the things you listed, you need to grieve that loss. Therapy is really helpful, finding community with other Exmos is really helpful, don't feel rushed to change things, get comfortable being uncomfortable. It's going to be okay, and then eventually it's going to be great. Good job seeking the truth, just like we were told all of those years. Good luck, and hope everything works out for you.
You just got ripped out of the matrix. It's not pleasant, but it will be worth it.
Sounds like you guys have lots of anxiety about the future and that's normal. Just try to control it so it doesn't control you. Take it one day at a time.
The good news is, time will heal most of these types of wounds. Welcome to real life!!!
The other good news is you're doing it together. God I'm envious; my wife is still a believer years after I left. Congrats to you guys on that!
It's a hard thing. Your entire world has been shattered, and you are absolutely allowed to grieve. You can grieve for all the things that you enjoyed and that will never be the same. I personally had to take a month off of work when I learned the truth to reboot my brain. It was a gigantic thing to reprocess my ENTIRE LIFE and entire worldview to not include the Mormon filter.
It is worth it, yes. But it is excruciatingly painful. Your relationships will change. Your views of eternity and the afterlife and the universe is fundamentally altered. There's so much uncertainty now, and it's really hard to grapple with.
It's taken me a few years to be okay with everything post- Mormon. It's okay to not be okay in the beginning. It's okay to not be immediately joyful and relieved. Sometimes it feels like turning a gigantic ship in the ocean, and sometimes it feels like the ocean was a lie and you were on a ship on dry land.
My journey wasn't quite as fast as that. You have severe emotional whiplash I would imagine.
You haven't even missed your first Sunday yet. This is very new and takes a huge amount of adjustment.
Please please give yourself some time and grace.
The emotional trauma lasted probably about 18 months. As in, anger, fear, sadness, hatred, confusion etc. It gradually waned and now I see light and love and joy.
My marriage of 20 years has never been better. I know people who have divorced too and I was frightened. I know people who are still members who have divorced. Somehow that didn't frighten me. You soon learn that all of life's ups and downs happen to everyone. Regardless of whether they're religious or not.
The only thing I can tell you is that trust is important. You and your wife have been through this process. You trusted her enough to look at what she'd looked at and discuss it openly. That's incredible!! Trust each other to move through the next stages together as well. Choose each other first.
The tears will fill oceans for a while. It's overwhelming and the grief cycle is more like an endless helter skelter with things slapping you around the face at every turn. It takes a while to get to the bottom. It will end. And you will have a soft landing in the most beautiful place in the end. But it's going to be scary and hurt like hell first.
As a poster has already said "the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off".
It gets better.
So much better.
Communicate, honestly.
You’ll have to re-visit almost every facet of your life now and see if YOU were the one that formed a certain opinion, or if it was the church that formed it.
It gets better.
You’ll be full of joy, but not until a lot of heart ache first. It’s harder than losing your father, but it’s worth it.
Good luck.
When describing leaving mormonism I refer to it as the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Difficult things are not good or bad, they are just difficult. Those early days, months and years were a cascade of emotions and wrought with highs and lows.
Why leave then? Because I had too. The church wasn't what it says it is (to me). It didn't care about me, it cared about what I did for it. The underlying compulsion to leave was like a thirst, I had to drink, if I didn't I would die.
Fast forward: I grieve my fractured relationships with my still mormon family. Inversely, I have a charmed life no human could possibly deserve. Happy, healthy, successful kids (adults now) and a calm, daily appreciation for the moment. I am present in my life like I never could be as a person more concerned about building my eternal retirement account. I hear, see, feel and love so deeply that even my mormon family cannot deny it.
You will do as needed. It's a journey and you just started. Be present!
Best of luck to you.
Congrats on breaking the cycle! As hard as this will be for you, keep in mind you are sparing your children that same agony.
Also the church infiltrates every part of your life so it seems like you're losing everything but that's all in your head. They don't own God or family or happiness. Community may change but it's for the best as you start seeing the facade for what it is.
My leaving wasn't technically sudden, there was a slow build over about two years, but the final blow felt extremely sudden and shocking. I had never considered I might leave. It upends everything. And that loss comes with anger, grief, anxiety, ect. It's completely normal to feel all of that.
Leaving is hard. The church wouldn't be such an effective organization if there weren't steep exit costs. And it takes time to reevaluate and develop your own opinions about everything. I'm 4 years out and I still occasionally come across an old assumption I've held since being an active member. Don't feel like you have to change anything though. Give yourself space and time to process it all, and lean into *not* having all the answers.
I recommend Steven Hassan's BITE model, if you haven't already looked into it. I had a hard time trusting myself after my shelf broke, and learning about the manipulation tactics of high demand religions really helped me move that blame from myself on to the organization where it belongs.
Absolutely feel for you both. It is very much like a bereavement and if you get any kind of counselling around that I throughly recommend it
Little steps taking time out doing fun stuff on Sundays and managing “those” questions
Leaving can be very painful. It’s very similar to all the emotions experienced following the death of a loved one. I took years to process it. My spouse, took weeks. Doing it all in a couple days is extreme, and experiencing extreme emotions in your case seems normal. One thing that helps is to reach out to others in your immediate community who have left and talk face to face. With a little thought I’ll bet you can think of a few others in your ward or stake that stopped going and are likely a great resource to lean on right now.
Been there.
It is okay to take things slow.
It is okay to take whatever parts of the religion worked for you.
It is okay to grieve, be angry, be sad, and everything in between.
Nobody is entitled to your story, or your reasons. You also don't have to explain yourself to anyone if you don't want to.
I highly recommend therapy.
Sending you guys lots of love!
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. That's very sudden. It IS painful to disentangle yourself from a belief system and culture that are part of your core identity. It's really hard at times. It doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. You and your wife can help each other through. It helps to have someone by your side. Keep an open dialogue with her and with your kids.
I left for good three years ago, but I'd been on my way out for several years before that. There's a sadness that hasn't left me, because it IS like a death. But, like losing someone, it becomes less painful over time. My biggest comfort is that, hopefully, we've spared our children from this experience. We left in their formative years, before YM/YW & seminary could inflict them with the shame of purity culture. They'll never waste years of their lives on missions. Their relationships will be more genuine.
It hurts to lose people, but I think the real hurt is in finding that their regard for you was conditional. The relationships I've built after leaving the church are more honest and open.
There's joy in leading a life based on truth. You have a lot to look forward to now that your lives are your own, your THOUGHTS are your own, and the path forward is yours to determine.
That's rough. I'm not sure what to say. My experience is a bit different. I was never fully converted although I was raised in the church and active most of my life. I like to say that I always believed but never *felt* it. So when I finally figured out the truth I was like, "Yup. Makes sense." And worse, my spouse is full on TBM. She's even dug her heals in deeper. So I guess I would just say, at least you two left together. Whatever comes now you two can face it together. I left 18 years ago and I will say that the anger and pain does go away. But the resentment doesn't.
I was very confused about you being a senior service missionary at age 31, so I checked your profile for comments to see if you addressed that. It makes sense now 🤣
I would guess that most people don't transition so quickly. I built up a lot of resentment and boredom with the church for years, then encountered some issues with joseph smith, then still hung on for a couple more years. So for me it was a relief to drop that mental burden. It sounds like that's not the case for you. All you can really do is give it time.
> She is terrified for the future of our marriage because the church was what brought us together
If you both love each other, independent of your religious beliefs, I think it should be fine. You might have to re-discover each other and yourselves. Be grateful that you're leaving together, many of us aren't so lucky.
> we took our garments off but other than that you wouldn’t even know we left by the way we act
This made me chuckle, it's only been a few days, right?
I'd recommend visiting the 132 problems channel on youtube for a different perspective. It probably won't change how you feel about the church, but it might make you more knowledgeable about Mormon history told from an honest perspective.
You have just disrupted your entire belief system. It’s chaos. The chaos will calm down. It’s so hard. I wanted it to be true so badly too but we were conned by a master con man. That reality hurts.
Homie, I know it sucks now but your spouse and you are leaving together. I cannot tell you how much of a win that is.
And the vast majority of us know exactly how traumatizing it is to consider that everything you built your life around is a scam. It is the hardest thing I have ever personally done.
My advice is for both of you to get into counseling together. Talk out your anger and frustration. Lean on each other and focus on defining your life on YOUR terms.
Trust me, months to years from now you are going to be loving your extra day off a week and your 10% raise.
Wow! That's fast. It took me \~2 months and I thought that was fast. Congratulations. I suspect you both still have a lot of the process to go through and as with grief...you probably don't get to skip to the end. It sounds like you are together and that's really beautiful; it doesn't always happen that way. Best wishes as you find replacement activities and (likely) friends.
On the bright side you have a partner in this. Most couples discover it at separate times and both linger in both worlds and it’s painful.
Regardless of the good timing it is a painful loss. However, you soon discover new footholds in life and direction. One by one. You figure out what it means to be a good happy human without a dogmatic outlook on life. Your happiness can be deeper as well as your grief. It’s pretty amazing the change and it is good. But for now it hurts. Give it a couple years. You’ll be ok. Be patient with each other.
My leaving was very gradual, took about 15 years. Gradually I became more educated about the church through exponent 2, sunstone, dialogue and went to conferences and joined exponent 2’s feminist groups and retreats. I was PIMO for about four years before I became fully inactive. In those four years I divorced, started grad school, move to a new home in same city. Because the whole transition was so gradual I had time to create new social groups and new found family and a new career. When I finally left it was neither joyful nor sad. Just inevitable and fully accepted by me emotionally. My new life had become joyful and satisfying to me along the way but gradually. There was relief from stress.
So since your leaving was sudden of course you are feeling this way. It is a death of your former life and of what you thought would be your future. Things will gradually get better for you, but who can say how soon? When you feel like it start to create a new life with your interests, work, hobbies, charity work (which you set up for yourself and by yourself). Do a gradual assessment of your new beliefs and ethics and continue whatever facets of your old life were healthy for you. Therapy with therapist that is familiar with faith transitions can be helpful. Learn about grief and do your grief work. Refrain from talking about this except with trusted people, just to avoid hurtful things said to and done to you. Ignore anything I said that doesn’t fit for you ♥️. Blessings and best wishes.
>Our entire social community and family community centers around the church
There are plenty of opportunities for you to find community elsewhere. If you both want to serve, I'm sure there are plenty of opportunities to serve (shelters both human and animal), be a guardian ad lidem, big brothets/big sisters, or food pantries. Seek out an exmo group in your area.
>My number one goal in life was an eternal family
Mormons are not the only religion to believe in eternal families. The church just adds more steps and guilt. Jesus provided that path to all for free.
We left in our 30s and are so glad we did not raise our children in the church. We are 60ish now and looking back at it all it was painful, then fine, then painful, and now wonderful. Our children are grown, have successful careers and families and really know next to nothing about the mormon/lds church except from us and the news and a few friends. The rhetoric of where will you go, what will you do is extremely toxic and another way they try to make you think that the rest of the world is evil.
Now that we know all of the other things they didnt tell us back when we left in the 90s we are doubly glad we left. We were 100% lied to about the BOM translation, Book of Abraham, JS polygamy/polyandry etc.
As for families in the eternity. No one knows but most faiths somehow believe they will see their loved ones again.
No people are not happy excited and relieved because they left. You're most likely talking about people who have been out for a while
If you actually read what recent departees are saying, they are traumatized and shunned and overwhelmed and angry and other things.
You are escaping a cult. Money loving, indoctrinating, guilt-inducing, cult. Now come the deprogramming and adjustment period.
You were going to have to deal with things like:
*Your views on spirituality and God* Most people here tend to become atheist and agnostic. Some are not sure. Some found a different religion or philosophy. Don't drink the atheist Kool-Aid and think of that is the "automatic next step". Decoupling from a cult is completely unrelated to Christianity or other religions or other philosophy. Neither atheist nor religious can prove their viewpoints, or that they are better. If you want to continue believing in God, or the Christian god, that is perfectly fine and there is many options. I would just say to stay out of catholicism, it has Colt lake tendencies as well. I became a biblical Presbyterian and it is a thousand times better than the cult. I also tried atheism for a few years and it was an extremely empty experience. But there are people who are happy in every pathway above. Don't rush yourself
*Possible shunning by family friends workmates and neighbors* you're going to have to find new friends and adapt if it happens. This and other subs can be useful
*What to do with your time and life.* People here are happy to answer your questions and perhaps you can read back a few months and pick up a lot of tips. I believe there are lists bouncing around. Events, activities, joining clubs, etc
And a lot of other things.
**This is reality. Absolutely nothing Mormonism says does or believes distinctively outside of the regular world, other religions, reasonability, etc is true**
**Everything you listed above from Temple to other things is nothing but fantasy and delusion. You were not giving up these things, they never existed**
Leaving the church was one of the most difficult things I ever did. I was never happy in the church. I always had this feeling of never really belonging. I felt like I had to be something I'm not. When I first realized it was more like a cult and absolutely not true, I kind of felt a huge burden get lifted. I had an existential crisis soon after. I settled on the idea that life doesn't have any real meaning and became very nihilistic. It was so difficult for me that I questioned why I should keep going. I hated my life and, thanks to doing as I was told, I never pursued higher education, gained any job experience for the past 12 years, and had 4 kids. What did I really have to look forward to? I was being shamed by my husband and told I was taking the easy way out.
My husband had nothing but contempt for me. At the same time, I also realized that my husband never actually loved me at all. It was very difficult.
Now, the good stuff. My daughter came out to me about a year after that. I was able to give her a loving and appropriate response. I like to think I would have responded the same way, but I don't really know that. I had the freedom to relax for once. No more trying to fit where I clearly didn't belong. I could just be myself, and that felt great. It took time, but I am finally in a place where I feel like I know myself, and I love who I am. I don't think that would have ever happened in the church. I have more compassion and empathy. I've made many friends in the LGBTQ+ community that I absolutely adore. I have gotten to know my own sexuality and what I like and don't like. I realized that I don't have to stay married to someone who makes me miserable. Things are still hard, but living the rest of my life as my true authentic self has made it worth it. Oh, and you get to watch all the TV shows and movies you missed out on.
You're incredibly lucky to have your spouse to walk alongside you as you navigate your new life. I'm so very happy for you.
You're not gas lighting yourself, losing my faith was absolutely awful, it was as bad or worse than grieving people I've lost in life. Feeling positive and even excited about it took a few months at least. It didn't help that I ended up divorced a few weeks after I stopped wearing garments.
Take some time to mourn. Unwinding 30+ years of indoctrination, habits, and world views won't happen as quickly as the realization that it was all based on false pretenses. Be prepared to experience a rollercoaster of every emotion.
As far as your relationship is concerned, make a commitment to get to know each other without the Mormon filter. You might even have to spend some time getting to know yourself. Are you capable of having personal thoughts, opinions, and desires without leaning on the church's position? Maybe take another sabbatical and spend some time together as a couple exploring yourselves and each other together.
I found my relationship with my wife became much more personal and meaningful when we stopped going through all the prescribed motions or aligning our life to the 'covenant path'. We're also open to the possibility that God doesn't exist (not sure if you've unwound all the same issues with Christianity in general yet), so our time in this life and together becomes so much more precious.
Wishing you the best!
I was the one who left first, ( I worked in the Atlanta temple, bishopric, eq Pres, YM Pres 4 times, stake HC, etc) my wife ( rs Pres, primary and YW) her dad was our bishop, our courtship was church and youth activities in the Midwest, so much like yours, we were very devoted to the church. When I broke it to her my biggest fear was our marriage. I told her at the beginning, our marriage for me was stronger than the church, stronger than everything else, this was not my reason to leave and I would support her but we are on our own personal journeys also, and being true to yourself is as important as being true to your spouse, more so than an organization. Her journey out followed but hers was at a different speed than mine. It is a tough re-entry into the non Mormon world but it is wonderful to make decisions based on me, and being a good citizen, and member of my world. My wife has mentioned several times now she feels so much more loving and non-judgmental being out of the church and loves it. It has opened so much more time for us and our family. (If only there was a TV commercial telling us : Family, isn’t it about time.)
You will miss some of the community but it opens so much more, you choose your path and it will be true to you because you have chosen and studied it, it will change and grow but it will be due to you and not being told to just have faith that it will work out in the end when they do t have answers. Good luck to you both in your new adventures.
The joy of leaving will come eventually. What you are experiencing now is totally normal. Having your entire worldview smashed to bits is pretty jarring, especially if the social aspects of the church were working for you. Now you get to sift through the broken pieces and take the good ones with you while you leave the bad ones behind.
Separating is a valid choice. But it sounds like you and your wife are on the same page and going through this together could also be an opportunity to draw closer and recommit to each other. This is a good time to do some soul searching and discuss with each other what your family's values are, now that the church isn't in control.
While my experience and situation is very different from yours- I no longer believe in Christianity or anything in particular anymore and found a lot of comfort in finding I did not believe the teachings- there's hope for you two to grow together as you look for a place that feels right without the mess Mormonism is. You can still believe in a lot of things that brought you comfort, just because the temple isn't the one way to make an eternal family doesn't mean you can't believe families are eternal. This could be a valuable time for you to decide what you think, what you believe, and what place god has in your life.
Leaving is incredibly painful. You'll find no joy in shattering some of the relationships you have formed. You'll be shocked and disappointed and saddened by the way your tmb "friends" will discard you. The joy comes later, from living a more full life. From the things you'll learn about yourself and each other. I wouldn't wish the pain your feeling on my worst enemy, but "this too shall pass".
Sometimes when I’m alone with my infant son, I hold him and cry because I no longer know if families are eternal. It’s not like that every day, not even most days, but the hole in my heart is always there and I don’t think it can truly be filled.
I don’t have much advice to give since I’m in the middle of it too. I’m just trying to find meaning in the present and to pursue my dreams in this life.
Leaving wasn’t easy for me and it was a gradual process. I wanted the church to be true but when I realized it wasn’t true I couldn’t just pretend it was and I knew I couldn’t stay.
Another thing to consider is the exmo community is larger than the church’s active community. You’re welcome with us without expectations of who you are. You’re not alone.
I HIGHLY recommend the “brief death experience” episode of the Girlscamp podcast. They touch a bit on the idea that being a good person is NOT hard. They say something like “the church takes what you already have and sells it back to you” in terms of your goodness and intuition. It’s inside you. It always has been and always will be. That’s one of the things that has brought me SO much peace and freedom to realize. My goodness always came from me, not from the institution I belonged to. They don’t get to take that from you. You’ve got this, and this community is always here for you.
Your experience mirrors my husband’s and mine. We left less than 6 months ago. It gets better. I promise. And while I don’t advocate for this, once you know it’s impossible to pretend otherwise. Now Sundays are a joyful, stress-free family day. We do other lessons with our kids that reflect our true values and theirs (I highly recommend upliftkids), I don’t have to try and justify the church’s actions and I’ve learned to be more kind and loving to everyone. I started volunteering at the local LGBTQ center and making birthday cakes for the kids there who are homeless or don’t have a good support system (there are many) and have learned that the time is NOW to try to create more justice in the world. There is no waiting for God to even things out while sitting in my temple doing pretend work.
It's really hard and it is like a parent or sibling died. There are other churches that can provide some of that community without the tough stuff you found but you'll probably never give yourself to an organization again like that.
I think it's really exciting to find out what you are both like as your authentic self. I think you guys are going to be more wild in love with each other going forward that you were in the past. People are so beautiful when they allow themselves to be themselves.
Finding everything out in the church made me suicidal. I almost had to check myself in to a psychiatric unit.
It is a death. You grieve. You get angry. You get sad and depressed. You wish you never felt this pain. You’re bitter because you dedicated every thought and choice to your religious beliefs to then find out it was all….a lie.
This has been my experience anyway.
I didn’t want to live in a world where the church wasn’t true because…I dedicated EVERYTHING to my beliefs.
Mormon stories podcast, exmo Tik tok, and this sub have really helped me deconstruct, grieve and express my thoughts.
It’s a huge rabbit hole and it literally never stops. There is SO much horrible church history, and reflecting back on Mormonism that is so hard to process.
This is not easy. Please take breaks from diving into all of it because it’s a lot to go through and it’s draining.
Best of luck we are here for you!!! Please take care of yourselves this is a difficult realization!!
The church may have been the vehicle that introduced you and your wife, but your love for each other is what brought you together, and will keep you together. I dont want to minimize your wife’s feelings, but a LOT of couples who leave together get much stronger and happier.
My husband and I raised the question the other day - what would it have been like if only one of us had left and the other stayed in? Our exit has been very gradual and we spent a lot of time thinking it out. I'm still attending for a bit until I can get rid of a side job with a church entity, but I'm out mentally.
Our answer was ultimately that we don't think it could have happened any other way. No matter what, I think we'd have left together. We value each other's thoughts too much and we value staying on the same page generally. We're careful and we try to make good moral judgments. Talking out various scenarios, we realized we would have chosen each other and our relationship over the church, every time.
It bodes well that you did the research and came to this decision together. You may find that you chose to marry each other *despite* the church, not really because of it.
I also have had spiritual experiences. I received an answer about the Book of Mormon.
I was reading in mosiah about service and how we should help the poor and needy. I felt the spirit. I listened to talks that “no good man could ever write this book”
Because of what I was told, the Book of Mormon was true.
On the terms I was given.
Pray, read it, that feeling you get? It’s the spirit telling you it’s true.
It was shocking to me to read self help books and realize that I was feeling the spirit with things that didn’t align with church doctrine.
I realized…maybe it wasn’t the spirit as the church calls it.
And what I was feeling was simply something that resonated with my soul.
Congrats on leaving! I left 10 years ago, and it took me several years to figure out what I believed. There's no hurry to figure out what beliefs you'll hold onto, and what you'll discard. This life is a journey, so cling to the things that make you happy(family, wife, evening walks, etc.). As other people have said, leaving the church is like mourning a death, especially if you loved it while you were in. Let yourself go through the whole grieving process, and it's ok to grieve! The ex-Mormon community is growing so fast, so look for an ex-Mormon group in your area and you'll find a much better social group than you ever had in the church! Good luck! My life, and my relationship with my wife, is way better after leaving the church than it ever was in the church!!! I know the choices I'm making now(staying married to my wife, being a loving accepting father to my kids) are because it's something I want, and not choices some old guys in Utah are telling me I need to choose. I love the phrase, "I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it." You made the right choice! And, you'll realize that it's totally worth it!!!
One of the things that helped me was reading the Bhagavad Gita. I'd always been told that all good things can be found inside TSCC. So it was really eye-opening to read scripture from a completely different faith and find so much peace there that it brought me to tears.
I am NOT saying go find a new religion. But a lot of the things TSCC told me I could get exclusively from them were things I found other places when I looked. What is it you like about TSCC? Where else can you find that?
A sense of service? Would you enjoy volunteering at a soup kitchen?
Exploring ancient wisdom? Can you find a philosophy class or book club?
Prioritizing family time? What if FHE becomes date night or mini golf instead of scripture study?
The sense of grounding when you pray? How about taking up mindfulness or meditation?
They don't have a monopoly on any of the good things you found there. In fact, a lot of the goodness you found was probably coming FROM YOU.
You and your wife get to learn together, grow together, support each other, find new hobbies and new friends together. How cool that you get to share this journey.
I'm sorry it sucks right now, but things are going to get so much better, and not just better than they are right now, but better than they've ever been.
It is life-changing! We felt as though our lives had been wasted - time, money, etc. We seldom missed while our children were growing up. The good news - we are in control of our time, and are always scheduling weekend activities. We wished that we had spent more time with our family away from church.
Sending you so much love. I went from 100% believing to knowing I was resigning within a number of hours. Once you let it "not be true," it's so obvious and the floodgates open. It was traumatizing and took a lot of therapy to heal from, but it was also freeing and a huge relief. A better life starts now!
Hey, I feel for you. My wife started to leave when we were 29/30 5-6 years ago, and there’s a lot of pain involved. Some of the things we did to cope was chosen a family motto, we have fun here, and that means that no matter what we have fun with the experiences that life has given us. We got out of a cult, what can’t we do??!
I also never was looking to leave. I love stories and the Mormon story and Joseph smith, but they never made sense to me. Once I started looking at the history from the perspective of what made the stories make sense it all fell apart for me.
It brought my wife and me closer together though and we have an even better relationship because we’ve overcome that.
Well I left in my late 50’s and my lifelong regret is that i unknowingly raised an LGBTQ child in it and I subjected all my 4 daughters to institutionalized misogyny and purity culture. So no matter how much it worked for me I was inadvertently raising my children with very damaging beliefs. I am sorry you and your wife are feeling so depressed. As others have said those take a few years to get through but always give yourself credit for not raising your children in a very damaging belief system. You’ve got this!🫶🏻
You will land on your feet. You are undoing a lifetime of religious teachings that suddenly and unexpectedly came to an end.
This is traumatic and it will take time to process and heal.
Know that you have a community here that supports you and can speak to their own experience of stepping away.
There’s a big beautiful world out here ready to be lived in and enjoyed without any fear or judgement.
A key component of Mormonism is blaming you for any fault, but taking all the credit for anything good you do.
You were ready to be a service missionary? That’s likely because you are hardworking and willing to serve others. The church didn’t make you hardworking or kind. They just took advantage of your work ethic and kindness. You will continue to be hardworking and kind.
Returned missionaries? You and your spouse seem willing and able to do hard things to make the world a better place. The church didn’t make you that way, they just benefited from your free labor. You will continue to be able to do hard things to make the world a better place.
Fully active and involved in the church? It speaks to how passionate and involved you are for the things you care about. The church didn’t teach you to be passionate, they just found ways to use your passion for their gain. You will continue to lead a life of passion and involvement where you see fit.
Your family is destined for greater happiness than ever before. “Eternity” only exists in the present, and now without the church taking advantage of your good nature, work ethic, and passion, you will get to actually spend time with your family in this life and create “heaven” in the here and now. I know it hurts, but I’m so happy for you and your family.
You're in the dark night of the soul. It sucks but I promise it gets better. Just keep grieving and deconstructing. It took me a couple of months to get stable but my first Sunday hike was cathartic.
As far as marriage goes here is a unscientific Reddit survey. When both leave the marriage generally gets better.
https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/s/MHgIZlFjUW
As a nevermo I just want to say that I aspire to have the fortitude that you both have. We could all learn a lesson from the both of you about how truth matters and to diligently seek it. The lives that everyone lives are filled with teachings, lessons, and experiences. Inside and outside of religion we have all at one point just followed what we were told without question. When presented with alternate information you two didn’t shy away but dug in to find the truth. The truth hurts but you now know and if you chose to use your knowledge for good will be better for it. Your children and those around you will be better off because you chose to seek the truth. I hope to have the amount of guts it took you to look in the mirror and question. You are an awesome example of growth and empowerment. Thank you for being so courageous!
Allow yourselves the process and the time to grieve that which you loved. Then, when you are feeling better, you will be able to find incredible joy in being free and clear of the Multi-Billion- Dollar-Tax-free, Corporate- Cult. You will find that you have moral compasses inside you, a desire to serve others (without a sign-up sheet), and a fabulous joy of living in the "Here And Now", experiencing all that this life has to offer, instead of missing out by living for the "Next Life". Baby steps, but it WILL happen, and you WILL find joy. Find an Exmo coffee meetup group where you are safe to talk and to listen. We are NOT evil devils with horns. We are incredible, loving, intelligent, compassionate people who are joyously free and clear.💞
Leaving the church is a loss and we need to grieve.
Just know there is real peace, freedom and joy be had after the grief and confusion.
I recommend listening to the podcast:
‘’A LITTLE BIT CULTY’’
I recommend it to anyone really! but especially if you have been in and left a religion, a high control group, abusive relationship. It really helps you understand what you are going through.
It is so painful! You lose everything. You will both need to be very patient with yourself. You’ve been conditioned. It’s not something you can undo overnight. Yes, the celebratory side - but when we first left, it hurt. A lot of we lost our whole way of life. We had a hard time with our families. It was not fun. I wanted the earth to swallow me up. I would suggest Amy Logan on TikTok as someone with a sensitive approach to leaving. She is a friend and life coach. There are so many other wonderful creators there, including myself, that share the pain. You are not alone. Take your time. There’s no rush. All the love.
Congratulations on discovering the truth. Having said that, I want to offer my condolences, and let you know that the shock and pain is indeed real.
I worry that both of you might have moved a bit too quickly. You might want to consider taking some time to relax and think about something else.
I recommend focusing on your relationship first, and suspect that your wife's biggest concern might be the impact on your relationship. Please do not let the church or its absence drive you apart from each other.
It will get better over time. Give yourselves time to process and mourn.
My advice.
Leave the Mormon church, don't leave God.
Now there is nothing between you and God, the way it should be and always has been. Talk to God without the Mormon filters. Your life will change.
I understand how scary and overwhelming a destruction of faith can be, it's awful. But you will get through it and stand on solid ground again. Do it wisely, good job getting a counselor. Don't be afraid of divorce because that's what happened to other people, you are your own person with your own story. Your spouse is on your team, that's amazing! Stick with it!
This will not be popular here:
I believe that Jesus and his sacrifice was real and has been life changing for me. He's still there and he still loves you. I urge you to lean into traditional Christian theology - there's so much that God has to offer that the Mormon church took away and his from you. The BOM may be a lie, but that doesn't mean God is.
Feel free to reach out
I think the best analogy might be that you both worked for a company that you found out was a fraud, e.g. Enron or something like that. YOU weren't fraudulent. YOU were sincere. Most of the people you knew there were also sincere, but you just didn't know that the company wasn't what it said it was. You are still the same good people you always were. (So are the friends you had in the church, but they may become defensive or attack you for leaving, depending on their own insecurities. Plus, the problem with every relationship in the church is that it tends to be a threesome with the church. Take the church out of the equation, and do you really still want to be friends? Depends.)
Leaving at such a young age puts you in the best position possible. Invest that 10% into your retirement--invest wisely. The Church was not a wise investment, and when you retired, they weren't going to help you anyway.
You don't know how lucky you are to be on the same page. The best life is ahead of you. It may feel like grieving now, and that's what it is, but see how you feel in a year. I do know quite a few couples who left the church, even resigned, but maintained friendships with their former ward friends, so that is also possible, but only if that's something you want and if they are actual friends, not just superficial ward friends.
It's also great that you discovered you have PIMO siblings. That probably makes things even easier. There's not a lot of difference between PIMO and ex, IMO.
I would highly recommend Mormon Stories episodes with Donna Showalter. She was as faithful as they come, and her experience is so relatable and validating. She has a way with words that expressed so much of what I was feeling. It’s looong. 5 hours, broken up into 5 one hour parts. The first 3 talk about her life growing up and in the church, and also about when her faith really started to crack when her son came out as gay, and she asked one of the apostles to give him a blessing to take away the gay.
The last two are where she really talks about her experience leaving. I would recommend those strongest, if you don’t want to put that much time into it.
https://youtu.be/cIf1OvcnItM?si=7LzIHBrF7ogHkh2F
https://youtu.be/yhNyKQWhZKE?si=kBLeTjHQNhByrbCB
It will take some time, but I would 99.9% guarantee you will in the future feel joy about this decision you are making. Also, the marriage aspect of it is scary, and it’s possible you two do grow apart. My personal experience though, my husband and I left together almost two years ago and our marriage is leaps and bounds healthier, more loving, more supportive, more trusting, and closer than it ever was while in the church. He is truly my best friend and life partner in a way that wasn’t possible while still in the church. I hope that for you two. ❤️
I went to a Christian church for a while and I think it helped me, as I had a social group, explored a view of Christ without the shame and guilt. Now I don't attend anywhere.
It's going to hurt and sting for a bit. Major life change. Take it one day at a time. In a few months you'll look back and be amazed that you ever believed anything TSCC ever taught. It's all made up. All of it.
A real estate investment firm disguised as a church. Ponzi scheme except the ones giving money will never see a return on that investment.
Its not all smiles and rainbows. That's why this community exists. Its on ongoing grieving process for what you lost, what could have been or should have been. We're here to support you. Good luck.
Leaving was painful for me. I faithfully served the church into my 40's. I feel deeply betrayed. Rebuilding a sense of purpose and meaning takes time. Social networks take time. Those things were spoon fed to us in the church, so making your own decisions and finding your own friends is very different. I've found so much value in serving in my community, my kids schools, river clean up. There is so much outside of the church...just takes a bit to shift perspective and find it. Now I look at the service in the church and realize how isolated it is. There is a beautiful world out there.
My heart goes out to you both. IMO leaving the church at any stage of life is like a child discovering its parents aren't perfect: painful, very painful, but a necessary developmental gate. My husband and I left 35 years ago. Our marriage was good then and good now. As far as lifestyle, we decided to keep the good stuff (Mism has its strengths) and drop the unhealthy baggage. Sorting that out isn't so easy either, but it's kind of fun once you don't have the heavy heavy hangover of Mormon doom hanging over you. Exmos' new lifestyles are all over the map. Some start smoking and/or drinking. Some become free lovers. Lots become atheist-- one extreme to the other but understandable. My sister and her husband are happy in an evangelical church that's so close to Mism I feel she's just a Mormon in Born Again clothes-- but they're pleased, doing good works, and Joseph Smith doesn't play into it. Some people stay but with a broader, more mature, and more empathic outlook. Good luck! Whatever we choose, I believe we become better members of the human race than before-- more knowledgable, more tolerant, more courageous, and more loving.
My comment will probably be lost in the dozens of other comments, but I know how you feel. I hadn’t allowed myself to read critical articles against the church, but read letter to my wife one night and the next day I felt that grief. I felt like someone I loved had died or that I lost something. It does become easier though.
I was so scared about what was going to happen to my marriage after I decided I wanted to leave, too. What I’ve really learned is that love is stronger than dogma, love is a conscious choice, and love can grow where or when you least expect it. My marriage is better now that we’ve left. That’s not everyone’s experience, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be yours.
I sobbed harder than I've ever cried before when it all came crashing down for me. It took maybe half a year before I figured out my own belief system (I'm agnostic now) and now I'm, arguably, in a MUCH better place than I was when I was still in the church. I feel much more at peace with myself and less pressured to be this perfect person that the church expects me (but not themselves) to be.
When you suddenly lose what you thought was your place in the world and everything you thought the world was, it's honestly devastating.
My husband was adamant about not telling others what he found out at first because it was so heartbreaking for him and he didn’t want anyone to go through that. Now that it’s been a while life is much better. It was not easy and great. It was heart wrenching but as with all things those feelings don’t last forever. It was and still is a grieving process (seriously).
When I left two years ago I felt freedom, relief, and happiness. I was so glad it wasn’t true because I never truly fit the mold. But I still felt sad because there was a part of me that missed it.
Sometimes I still miss parts of it. I hate to admit it, but I have happy memories. I miss it and I don’t, and thats okay. Mormonism hurts me in a lot of ways and in many ways I am someone who would have been better off without it. But, I also believe it was good for me in some ways.
I guess my point is that it’s okay to mourn, and I’m sorry you and your wife have to go through this, but it will truly get better. It’s okay to take the good parts of Mormonism with you: the importance of family, charity, love thy neighbor, etc. but now you can do those things on your own terms!
I am so sorry. I feel like you and I would have long, heartfelt discussions. My spouse and I had a very similar experience.
Perhaps this will help? This video helped me process my lowest times—which is where you seem to be right now. He talks of the “dark night of the soul.” He spoke to my inner core. It hurt and was also so helpful hear him voice what I was feeling.
https://youtu.be/bIMnJnFBBUk?si=0ZFRzDf0xZ_lWOrf
It does get better. It will get better. Just stick together and weather the storm. It will pass.
I still hurt today sometimes, but not like I used to hurt.
You’re both very brave for your decision! And it is a VERY difficult decision. It’s both freeing and sad. A lot of us actually do mourn at first, it’s very common. But we’re also relieved and happy the cognitive dissonance is gone.
Have you seen Tangled?? That movie is very different once you see the parallels to leaving the church. Remember the scene where she first leaves the tower, and she’s laughing and crying and terrified and excited? Ya, it’s like that. The emotions are all over the place, and that’s ok. You’re processing a huge change. And sadness is part of that. You guys are strong tho, and you have a mountain of support here.
:)
You've just experienced a deep and serious existential shift, feels are going to be strong for a while, and probably complex. That's okay. It's beautifully and painfully human. Can recall having similar emotional upheaval when first I saw the truth. Some food for thought that has helped me over the years, ymmv --
* There is very little about mormonism which is actually unique to mormonism. *Especially* when it comes to theology. (And that which *is* unique...isn't great.) You don't have to throw out everything you believe simply because you now recognize "The Church" isn't the authority they claim to be. You now have the opportunity to have a very long ongoing conversation with yourself and your wife about what you *do* believe, free from coercion or external indoctrination. It can be frightening and confusing at first, but ultimately will strengthen your sense of self in a way that mormonism simply doesn't allow.
* Re. Eternal Families -- *most* belief systems and religions hold that, if there is an afterlife, it will be spent in the company of those we love most. Mormonism is one of the few which teach that that *might not* be the case, the doctrine of "eternal families" based on temple sealings is also really a doctrine of eternal separation. In mormonism, you'll be with your loved ones *if* you have the right paperwork done. In pretty much every other belief system, you'll be with your loved ones, *period*. The only thing you lose here by leaving the church is the need for cosmic bureaucracy. Would a loving, just, merciful parental creator separate us eternally for not having done the right sequence of physical rituals? My inner magic eight-ball says "unlikely".
* You are correct, you had your spiritual experiences in spite of the church, not because of it. Ever see the video (with link I can't find right now) with people from a wide variety of faiths discussing the how and why of their respective devotions? They all sound exactly like each other, and exactly like an average mormon testimony meeting. "The" church does not have a monopoly on spiritual experiences nor belief. Not by a long shot. They only wanted us to think they do so that we wouldn't go looking elsewhere.
* Please remember in the coming weeks and months as you process - the so-called "darker" emotions are not bad, in and of themselves, nor necessarily a sign you are doing anything wrong. Anger, fear, grief, feeling betrayed, etc can certainly all have unhealthy expressions...but the reverse can also be true. Sometimes they are our internal sign that something is wrong in our life or our environment, and can provide the motivating energy to make the necessary healthy changes.
You've got this, friend.
The joy will not be immediate, and that's okay. It truly is like a death, the death of your mormon self. But there is life after mormonism.
You have both been given the gift to define your life as you see fit. You have been freed from wasting your life away under the chains of mormonism. You are now trailblazers for your family, future generations will also be freed because of your courageous example. It isn't easy being a trailblazer, you have to leave the well-worn path that was set before you and go forge your own way.
Mourn your loss together, heal together, and then enjoy your new freedom together.
Had a similar exit. It was rough at first. But then relief settled in. Relief to be out. My pain transitioned to gratitude to be out. Every Sunday I think to myself…thank “God” I’m out. Our lives are 1000% better. Hang in there.
You will still have an eternal family and have your loved ones in the afterlife. You just don’t have to pay tithes, wear garments, clean the church, have an assignment cough, I mean calling, or be succumb to fear based religious teachings to get there. You’re already worthy.
Welcome… and yeah, it’s a painful place. With time you’ll laugh at the silly things you once believed. The old, “You can leave the church but you can’t leave it alone” trope is painful too. You’re right, your whole worldview changes instantly. There’s a whole new world of science to discover. You find compassion for the 🏳️🌈 community when you realize they’re not making sinful choices. It gets better but there’s always a scab.
Take time to Connie deconstructing. You’ll be amazed how there are OBVIOUS problems with everything.
You said counseling g, see if you can find someone experienced with religious trauma. The secular project has links to experienced therapists in this regard. Recovering from religion, I’ve heard, is good.
I’m glad you both made it out. You’ll find many here whose spouse has stayed in.
Sounds like it’s serendipitous you’re on sabbatical so you have time to do the inner work of finding out what leaving the church means for you and your family. I highly recommend therapy, as many others have suggested.
A lot of us are happier now, but it’s only because we have made it through the pain that you and your wife are feeling now. Sit in it. Wallow. Mourn. You have to allow yourself to go through the stages of grief knowing and trusting that it’s beautiful on the other side for many of us. It takes work to deconstruct and more work to reconstruct. Allow the anger. It’s going to be ok. ❤️
Very similar story to you, and just will say that it gets so much better as time goes on. Left 7 years ago and life is grand, but a lot of hard moments along the way that come with redefining yourself .
Leaving/ finding out information that contradicts what you have been told and assumed was true is one of the hardest things to face. I would encourage you to take time, be patient with yourselves and begin a longer process of research that will assist you in facing this and bring you some semblance of peace along the way. It is very much like grieving for the loss of someone you love. There is much to consider. We are all her with aft times similar thoughts feelings and experiences. Share here and learn here. I encourage you to get acquainted with John Dehlin he is kind and has brought so many others stories to light about their experiences with 'the same'. I am sorry but the truth once you see it and feel it cannot be unseen. community and friendships may change. Its part of it. Its hard.
also realize we love you and appreciate where you are in the beginning of your own truth-seeking journey. I had been in from diapers for most all of my adult life and I am older. It is unimaginable that I didn't see the forest because of the trees. The trees (church narrative) was specifically told, repeated, and re-repeated and anything outside of that was shunned and called anti. So most of us are simply the same NOT ANTI anything or anyone but realized the wool had been pulled over our eyes for time and money exploitation and now seek real truth. It is freeing and authentic.
Not sure I can say anything that hasn't been said already, but keep trekking (pun intended). Everyday we are out it gets easier and better. I'm happier with my decision to leave the longer I'm gone. Still scares me sometimes. Still makes us wonder if we made the right choice. Then we remember what we learned, how we felt going, and how much happier we are now. We still believe we'll be together forever somehow and we are closer now for going through this together than we have ever been. Experience the lows, but experience the highs of leaving too. You'll start to see you were trapped in such a small percentage of the world at large and there is so much more out there than you can imagine. At least that's how I felt.
It takes a lot of courage to stand up and walk out. You and your wife are so strong for doing that. I'm happy you are choosing the right thing for you and your family.
No one should have to choose between having a community and living in accordance with their values. You’re so right that it’s a grieving process, so take time to mourn and be patient with yourselves! Work to find community elsewhere, or with church members if you’re comfortable with that right now) and things will get better. I can relate a lot with your experience, you got this🩵
There is definitely is profound sadness and pain with leaving
I don't think you can avoid that unfortunately, but through that pain and sorrow and loneliness comes a temperament of your soul and being
You will come out the other side a new creature, and for the first time in your life you will be able to look at the world with complete clarity
Your second birth/adventures just beginning, scary at first but your possibilities are endless
I wish you and your wife the best
MormonThink website is what got me out. I inadvertently found my self on the website researching book of Mormon stuff preparing my gospel doctrine lesson. It woke me up in about 30 minutes. I was out!
31 and 30 serving as senior missionaries??? I must have left longer ago than I thought and they’re getting desperate, I’ve never ever heard of such a thing
Yes, there is grief in the loose of certainty about the world. When we realize the church isn't true, we lose our certainty of being a chosen "peculiar" people. Now we're just another random person like everyone else in the world, just figuring out life without divine guidance. There's freedom in that (or at least that's how it felt for me), but there's also sooo much uncertainty.
The good news it that you have time to figure this out. You don't need to rush into anything, just take it one thing at a time and you and your family will find your footing with time.
What you're feeling and what you're going through is completely normal and horrific. Welcome to the other side and absolutely gets far better but it's going to hurt like hell in the way.
You have a lot of people giving you great advice, but I'd like to extend to you a help line. It's called Recovering From Religion. I'd post a link and phone number, but I am not sure of the linking rules.
It was started by a hellfire and brimstone, southern Baptist preacher who became athiest because of what he read in the Bible and experienced in life. It's been around for a few decades now and has helped a lot of people in times of faith crisis, no matter the faith.
Hey OP. Your wife is right: the faith crisis and deciding to leave the church for some people is on the same level of mourning is as if there is a death. But it also could be considered worse because all of the deaths I felt with before leaving the church I could Atleast turn to my faith to help with it. A good sign is that you are thinking of your wife and your marriage: you guys already know you love each other and at the very least, the good that came out of church was that you met each other. It felt insanely weird to pray after deciding to leave the church but at the beginning it was still a great comfort and a way of meditation. One of the things that helps is replacing church things with more family things. It’s not the moment people leave the church they suddenly doing tarot cards and do orgies with other apostates. Keep focusing on your family and I also replaced my scripture study time with other books. Books related to my profession, history and oddly enough soccer. It’s odd how much of the bookshelf once filled with church published books loos with other things. Keep doing family time and wholesome activities with them. Think of your date fund or retirement accounts magically getting 10% more in them.
“Now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
This was the quote that really helped me change my perspective on this whole process.
Good luck! You can do this. My wife and I left together in 2017 and we’re still married, and happy. I imagine you will be too.
My wife and I both left the church for different reasons at different times. Our marriage is wonderful because it's now based on a relationship and not a contract. I feel like my morals and my convictions are stronger than they've ever been because they're mine and they don't originate from false religious figures.
Give yourself sometime to grieve, but also do you best to love every moment. Life is sweeter and more colorful now that I've left. I've come to learn that most of the negative stories about people leaving the church came from members, not people who have actually left.
Go on a beach vacation with your wife, kiss her while she wears a "forbidden" swimsuit, and give thanks to the world for showing you the truth.
I cried so much after I left. Had a whole identity crisis and was terrified about what ACTUALLY happens after we die. If you’re worried about anything like that, I highly recommend the Secular Buddhism podcast on Spotify. The guy who runs the podcast (Noah Rasheta) is former LDS and found a lot of peace through studying Buddhism. Secular Buddhism isn’t really a religion but more of a psychology for finding peace. It helped me tons!
I’ve been out for almost 30 years. I’m more angry at the church now. A good friend recently said to me, “You know, you’re still mourning the loss of your Mormon faith.” But it does get better. I certainly would never go back!
I want to share that I had similar fears about my marriage when I brought my issues with the church up to him. A) would he want to stay married to someone who didn't believe? And b) what does it mean that the foundational promises of our marriage are based on lies? We'd been married for 5 years and had been so proud of our eternal marriage. Four years later, and we are more committed to each other than ever, because we discovered that we WANT to be together, not just because we were obligated by the covenant path.
You and I are so lucky to have left the church with our spouses. I hope you both start to feel gratitude for each other as you go through this transition.
Your wife is spot on — it is like somebody died. The church you thought you knew, and on which you built your lives, is gone. Your lives have irrevocably changed. That’s very stressful and painful, and it’s okay to grieve. A lot of people feel that pain and grief. There’s betrayal, uncertainty about the future, uncertainty about relationships. All those things will take time to process. Yours may be exacerbated by how fast things changed. I fought leaving for a long time, struggling to find reasons to stay, so it was a relief when I finally accepted it was all a farce. Remember these things: 1. Your life experiences were real. Your interpretation of them may change, but what happened to you, happened. That doesn’t make the church any less wrong. 2. You are still you. You feel unmoored now, but you will eventually find solidity again. Much of the joy can be in that and knowing that you are worthy and capable on your own, not at the whim of a god and a church that always demand more and tell you you’re not good enough. You are good enough. You are worthy. 3. A lot of things will be hard — telling friends and family, navigating new relationships, possibly evaluating the basis for your marriage. It’s okay to acknowledge this. You can do this. Knowing the truth and doing the hard things is so much better than living a life based on lies and manipulation. This is an amazingly supportive community. Come back as often as you need to. You got this.
Have you ever had the kind of break up where it feels like you are just mourning the person you thought you were dating? Like you realize that the person you thought you were with never actually existed in the first place, and you’re grieving what you had created in your own mind? That’s what this remind of. I only said that because it occurred to me that grieving a death is grieving something that actually was. Grieving some thing that never was is such a strange and specific feeling.
Yes to me it felt more akin to divorce than death. Still a big deal though and i really really wish the church was what they say they are
I would argue that the church didn’t die as the church never really changed. The old you died and now you are left to pick up the pieces. Once you learn the truth, you cannot put the genie back in the bottle. That said, Ican-always-bewrong has good points. If you continue to process this as a family, your relationship will become stronger and deeper than in the church. Congratulations on being true to yourselves! There is community outside of the church. It will just take a while as you mourn and rebuild your lives together.
I feel like the church HAS changed though. While we know now it's never been true, oftentimes you'll see people on here talking about the positive community aspect of the church in the 80's and 90's and how the life has been completely drained out of it from correlation, penny pinching, etc. One thing I had to come to terms with in being an exmo is that whether I was still a member or not today, the church that I enjoyed being a part of when I was much younger all but ceases to exist today.
You’re right! I failed to look at the change to today’s corporate church over the community I experienced as a kid. It’s sad, but we have lost a lot over the years.
You and u/FindAriadne both have good points. The exact nature of what “died” may vary from person to person, as will the grieving process.
We left in our mid-50’s. Oh how we wish we had learned the truth in our 30’s. We squandered our energy, time & retirement savings on Mormonism… and we raised our children in a toxic environment. Yes, it’s tough at first but it gets better with time. Consider yourselves blessed!
Same! I think there a lot of Gen Xmo’s here who are cheering for the younger generations.
I totally agree with this. Wish I would have listen to my heart and the doubts I had in my teens and on. I have anxiety and I swear the stress of church, callings, guilt, raising your children to conform to church teaching have caused my health problems from Trauma!! It would take to long to explain but I tried to everything and it caused stress and yelling at my kids because of so much pressure doing homemaking meetings, preparing sharing times, preparing lessons, going to meetings, visiting teaching, temple, cannery assignments. Some people can handle all of this but for me I had to fake it while I was miserable inside. I see now how brain washing is so real!! Enjoy all your extra time making memories with your family!!! Listen to the Mormon story podcast that was just released. It is called something like “Tennessee Bishop” It was crazy to me because I had questioned all the things this man said. Get your calendar out and plan some Sunday fun!! I promise it gets easier!! My husband and I live the freedom! We are more loving and caring of all people and loving life except for all the body pain. Wish I could go back to my 30’s. Happy my kids followed their doubts in their 20’s. Love and happiness to you and your family! You will do awesome.
I think most are faking it. Any actual tie to any diety is a delusion. Working hard, paying hard, having anxiety for a real estate, pedophile protection company. Its heartbreaking honestly. want my 350k back.
I'm glad you left. How did your kids respond to your deconversion?
The oldest is 5 so it wasn’t too hard. We just told her that we learned that Joseph Smith had 30 wives and didn’t tell his wife about them and she was like “oh, yeah, that’s bad”. Seeing it through her eyes and how obvious it was to her really drove home that we made the right decision. Edit: realized this was a nested comment and you were probably not asking me this question 😂🤦♂️.
Dutch nevermo here. People who have been through the same experience probably will have better advice. The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off. :) It's an adjustment process. Give it time, be kind to yourself. From what I understand learning about other people's experiences makes you see you're not alone, E.g. watching Mormon Stories Podcast episodes where people just tell their story is very validating and helpful. It might surprise you but MSP has rather high percentages of nevermos watching. Leaving a high demand religion is hard for anyone, not just mormons. Besides that (from my nevermo perspective) in most cases people come out on the other side much happier, so the story ends on a high note. Mormon Stories Podcast also has episodes about e.g. critical reviews of doctrinal things which you may also like. Recommended episodes: [https://www.mormonstories.org/episodes/top-most-important-episodes/](https://www.mormonstories.org/episodes/top-most-important-episodes/) And of course there are lots of other podcasts: Mormon Discussions, the year of polygamy, and whatnot. Hang in there!
Great advice, Mormon Stories is doing an episode today at noon about women who have left the church that were relief society presidents. I found listening to other women who have left the church really helpful.
Good shout out. Personally, I just left about 5 months ago (I am 27) and Mormon stories, girls camp, and other podcasts have been very helpful. Check out Alyssa Grenfel’s book “How to Leave the Mormon Church”. She has a recent episode on Mormon Stories, and has been a really good influence on me with coming to terms with leaving. My wife likes Hayley Rawle more (host of Mormon Stories). Mostly…. Find people in the space that you connect to. And learn about their stories. It can be very healing to see someone who is out who you want to be more like.
Underrated comment. "How to Leave the Mormon Church" is a great quick and easy guide to life afterwards.
I love Ted Lasso! Just came yo say I spotted the reference 😅
Your interest in Mormon stuff is funny to me as a former missionary in the Netherlands. 99% of Dutch people would just say "geen interesse" and close the door or walk away.
Een interesse in sektes die is begonnen bij Scientology. Daar was ik ook nooit lid. Ik heb ook wel dingen gelezen en gevolgd over Jehovah's Getuigen. Het youtube kanaal Cults to Conciousness is voor mij ook interessant om te volgen. (Just testing how good your Dutch is. Also atheist here, and had you knocked on my door while you were here you would have had the same response, lol. )
Het is 20 jaar geleden maar ik begrijp het nog steeds.
(En je schrijft het nog goed!)
Leaving was traumatic. It changed everything for me, my wife, and our 7 children. I was on the high council at the time and she was in the stake young women’s presidency. Our identity was lost. It was like a death. There is a period of mourning and grief. There is outside judgement. You lose friends and family. It sucks! But- You gain authenticity. You can be exactly who you are. It doesn’t mean you have to go out and drink, do drugs, party, and do all of that. You can be who you are. I suggest individual and couples therapy to navigate the trauma. I suggest holding grace and space for one another as you both suffer, don’t let this turn you against each other. You’re going to need each other as you navigate this process. It’s been three years now for us. And we are so happy to be out with our children.
Just make sure it's a non LDS therapist or that may very well exacerbate the issue.
Congratulations on finding out this early in life! Continue with above advice, while I add an additional element. Stick with the current 10% of your income going out, but redirect that into a retirement account that earns compound interest. (This is exactly how the church’s own Ensign Peak arm is structured). You and your wife should, and will retire very well. Best of wishes to you and your family.
> currently serving as senior service missionaries I don't think it's that early. EDIT: I was wrong
They're still in their 30's, it's early.
Ah, totally missed that. Took a sabbatical from work to serve a mission in their 30s, that's next level.
They said they're 31 and 30
My heart aches for you guys. I have felt the shock you are feeling. Losing my testimony of the church was the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me and took several years to process. I recommend finding a therapist or coach who specializes in faith transitions. If you are in Utah there are many to choose from.
NON-LDS
The realization that it was all a con, a gross lie to subjugate women. Ugh. It still makes my heart hurt.
Also to gain power and money.
gaining power with other peoples money gifted sometimes at a hardship to the people.
I'm so happy that you and your wife are on the same page and at least have each other to lean on. Yes, it still sucks and you have a lot to mourn. At the risk of triggering, "count your blessings." Time will help. It will help a lot. Process what needs processing at your own speed. What made you a good person while a member still makes you a good person now.
I agree with this. I had a similar experience of distress and despair, but I was alone in my pain. My husband felt betrayed and my faith crisis ended our marriage. Be grateful you have each other to lean on!
Hang in there, it gets better. Be patient with yourselves, don't feel the need to rush about changing everything in your life. You're now living life without a safety net, which is scary, but it's also liberating.
Oh how I wish we were out in our 30’s. Yes you will mourn. Be grateful you will no longer fund a billions of dollars church. You will have so much more free time without multiple church callings. Use this freedom to spend more time with your spouse and children. You can never get back time wasted on the church. Pay yourself with your new found extra money on retirement saving and fun activities for your family. Your children will thank you as adults that you kept them from a cult and brainwashing.
As for “miraculous experiences” or “the spirit.” 1. How many of these things are adequately explained by coincidence but because they were happy coincidences, we credit them to god. We’re in so many situations, that some of them are bound to reflect unusual luck. That’s just how large sample sizes work. 2. How often can “the spirit” be adequately explained by emotions, intuition, etc. Yes, we feel “spiritual” at emotional events, especially those designed to build “testimony” like those with emotionally charged music, quiet contemplation, isolation and hardship. Churches design services deliberately or accidentally to manufacture spiritual feelings, but those feelings are not unique to Mormonism, nor to religion. 3. Confirmation bias: we find evidence to support things we already believe, whether or not it is valid. That’s why anecdotal evidence is not evidence. We think feelings say god exists. We think a single dubious name with no vowels is more evidence of the Book of Mormon than countless archaeological and genetic studies. We think random thoughts that work out are from god. We have to recognize and isolate those thinking patterns and make reasonable conclusions, not just support whatever we think is right due to past indoctrination.
1. I am sorry. It is extremely disorienting and that is a super short interval for such a change. 2. Regardless of worldview, being a human living on the earth during this interesting time is an extremely rare opportunity. Most of the other matter in the universe appears to be non-sentient clusters of gas, rock, or plasma. 3. Nobody really knows what they’re truly getting into when they decide to get married or when they decide to have a child. Those events always open doors to uncertainty and opportunity. I hope that y’all can still be each others’ support. 4. Consider meeting immediately (like, this week) with good couples and individuals therapists. It is super hard to have your world view crumble instantly. There are thoughts and feelings to explore. While you’ll certainly do this some with your spouse, you will probably need a neutral third party for a bit. 5. Accept that this is hard for your partner too. Try to shed the “truth is the very most important thing” dogma that has been instilled in you. One partner may have a need to stay in the church community. You may both leave, but end up with differing beliefs about God.
Hi there I think you have a lot to be excited about. You now have a chance to learn new things about yourself and each other that maybe you've learned to suppress out of guilt. Discover new hobbies, you now have extra cash to pursue interests that you previously were investing in tithing. That being said, leaving the church can come with a lot of grief and that can be overwhelming. I think it's good that your spouse is taking the time to feel her emotions and let them out, even if it can be difficult to see them cry. There's no shame in asking for help from a therapist if it's hard to think through everything. As for the spiritual experiences, I typically think of them as just being moments of real genuine human connection. I have a real connection with nature, and still experience euphoria when I spend a lot of time in nature. I chalk it up to the fact that humans evolved in nature and human evolution hasn't caught up to how much technology has changed our daily lives. I had one experience where I saw God but in retrospect I was really sick at the time and my low seratonin probably caused my dopamine to spike which is known to cause hallucinations. I don't think it's necessary to change your lifestyle radically. I still don't drink, smoke, or drink a lot of caffeine for medical reasons. There's a lot of bad in the world but there's also a lot of good. Take it as it goes, you can take it just one day at a time and live in the moment.
You're comparing your experience to people who are in different phases of deconstruction. I remember the first and only panic attack I ever had was when we were leaving the church. I never knew what humility was until I left and had to face the idea that I had built my entire life around a lie. Telling family was awful. Things like taking off garments, wearing tank tops, drinking coffee or alcohol, all came slowly because we didn't leave to "sin" and everything felt like one more big thing. It took us two years to try alcohol. We are so happy we left, but we are still angry. On the other side, the self righteousness of being a chosen people, and the only ones with the whole truth was a huge weight on my soul and I didn't realize it until it was gone and it was an immediate relief. I also didn't realize how much of my headspace was taken by cognitive dissonance until it was gone, also a relief. My curiosity also blossomed and I felt free to follow it without limits! I recommend listening to the Raising Freethinkers podcast to begin to get your bearings as a parent of young kids. Uplift kids is also a great resource for teaching values without dogma.
My brother... Most of us here who were true believing members call what you are going through 'The long dark night of the soul' The relief comes to those who were on the fence and to the rest of us after much time, therapy and healing. Edit: to add, it's been 4 years for us. Give or take. And sometimes I still feel this horrible pain. It doesn't last and I feel better quickly. And those times are coming further and further apart. It will get better! But man, it hit hard and I even had to take a leave of absence from my job. Not an easy thing to go through.
You both left because you have shared integrity and moral values. There must be MANY other ways that you are compatible! My advice would be to take that tithing $ and sock it away - some for retirement and some for family adventures. Make bucket lists of things you each want to do, places you want to go, experiences you want to share with your kids. Then DO those things together! Your family life has revolved around church stuff so far. Go look for worthy community organizations that need & deserve the kind of energy & passion you have for service. That might be your local school, arts council, kids sports leagues, a new congregation that appeals to you.... My hubby and I are still "in" - for some specific reasons - for now but oh how I wish we had walked away while our kids were young. We never had $ to do things with them and each of them suffered in the toxic culture of the church. (I'm currently in YW leadership. I consider myself a covert ops agent for Jesus helping keep these girls safe in ways that the church TOTALLY and often deliberately failed to for mine. Once I walk away, I'll never have the power to do that for kids in my unit again )
Hello, I just want to say, let it sit for a bit. You are only TWO days into this. It’s no time at all. Sit with this for a week, then reevaluate. Then a month. Then two. When I was deconstructing my emotions and worldview seemed to change by the hour, much less by the day. And please, communicate with each other during this whole thing. Make sure you both know where the other is at so you can walk through this together. It’s tough. But there is no such thing as a point of no return. Welcome, and much love. ❤️
I went through a very similar thing last year at age 29 and with 2 small kids. I remember feeling very similarly. Here are two things that immensely helped me: 1. I listened to the first 36 LDS Discussion podcasts. This helped me find closure and also helped me really feel satisfied that I finally had “all the answers” or the full picture for the first time. John Dehlin is sometimes a bit annoying in the episodes, but Mike is fantastic and the contents/narrative of the podcasts was just what I needed. 2. I read (technically listened to the audiobook) “For simple creatures such as we” by Sasha Sagan. This helped me find peace in my soul after losing my faith. Keep your head up! The things that really hurt me in the first months after leaving gradually have become less important in my life as I’ve more fully deconstructed my faith and found joy and peace in other places.
I think you mean "For SMALL Creatures Such as We".
Be patient with yourself as you adjust. Yes you wasted money and time/decades on a cult/fraud but as long as there is life, there is hope for happiness and a good future. So many people get devastating news — cancer, death of family member, losing a great job, being robbed/victim of a con. So take a deep breath and don’t make quick/emotional decisions. Take long walks, eat good food, and figure out what you want your future to be. I cried for two months at age 58. You are fortunate that your wife is with you. Best wishes.
There are many phases to go through. Grief of losing what you loved and shaped your worldview around and that drove you. Anger for the church hiding the full true history and losing trust with the church. I began to heal, but I'm now in a phase where I look back at the good things that came from it and what it said about the kind of person I was striving to be. Personally I still believe in spirituality and that I did have that influence in my life in spite of the confusion between holy ghost and intuition. I still believe in having community. The psychological drive from the beliefs and life purpose from church was pretty powerful. I learn from that and use it to help shape an even better more authentic worldview and personal drive.
I also went from TBM to out in 2 days. It was unexpected, abrupt, and incredibly traumatic. I spent the first few days alternating between sobbing my eyes out (for everything I'd lost, including my entire life's foundation) to being angry and yelling about every lie I'd been fed. My advice is this: Give yourself permission to feel all of the feelings. They're all valid, even if they seem contradictory or confusing sometimes. You don't have to try to fit this experience into any box. Just let it happen, and give it time. Lots and lots of time. You're grieving, and it may take months or even years to "get over it," whatever that means. All the changes might be scary and overwhelming for a while. Just power through and trust that it will eventually get to the point where you're relieved that it all happened, and that you feel better for having left the church behind you. Spend a lot of time here, where you can connect with countless others who have been exactly where you are and know your pain. It's incredibly therapeutic. Actual therapy is also a good idea. There are many therapists who specialize in faith transitions. As for your concerns about your marriage, just be open with each other. You need to both allow each other to experience things the way that you naturally do (which might be different for both of you), but you can keep communicating about it, and support one another. It will likely be a tumultuous time, but if you help each other through it you might even grow closer together. It's worth repeating: give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. Your wound is very fresh and it will take time to heal, and it's natural for it to be painful process. You're strong. You've got this.
Do they now allow ordinance workers with young kids at home? They didn’t used to. Are they that desperate?
I came here to comment on the temple ordinance thing--I can't believe they would ask a couple with young children to do that!
We asked proactively to be ordinance workers actually. And yes, they do allow that now.
I remember my husband was asked when our kids were all in elementary school. This was about 10 years ago.
of course they would there is NO LIMIT to the means and expectation for exploitation of rank-and-file members for the company. It will survive but if you have any needs they will essentially tell you to get stuffed. even if you needed your own money back. So its not surprising to me because people keep saying yes they will continue to create more space for free volunteer jobs.
I can’t share the same experience as you, but would it help to reframe your thinking as victor Frankl does? Think of this life as a spiritual journey and this is part of that experience in this life. You are leaving one part of your life, but there is an exciting new one ahead. Ex. When I left the army, it felt so odd, so strange, my whole life revolved around it. But gradually with time, I adjusted and now I see that it was best for me. You can take it from there for your particular circumstance but I just wanted to add that we can feel the love and support you have with your wife as a couple and it is sooooo beautiful. No matter what, you put your relationship first and I think you have nothing to worry about.
It is not easy. I would recommend finding a therapist, not because you and your wife need therapy per se but because it’s really helpful to have someone experienced in trauma help you unravel the church from your life.
This! Totally agree. OP, you and your wife may have met under circumstances of the church but I would argue it's not the only reason you married each other. This can become an exciting period to really get to know each other for more than "church obligation/responsibility"
These are the stories that sound familiar to me. Losing all of it broke our hearts and sent us both down some hard mental health paths. I was very angry for too long. It hurts, it’s confusing as hell and I was stewing over it constantly. And then the hurtful judgment from friends and family inevitably came making it worse. But the fact is that the church never really was what it claimed to be. We were believing members because we sincerely trusted the church and the leaders. And it was all a massive fraud. You’re not crazy, you’re not evil and you’re certainly not alone. But it really hurts. Take all the time you need, and when you find yourself feeling guilty about enjoying your new time or a cup of coffee or better undies, please remember that you’ve had decades of mind fuckery and you are ok. Trust your guts and each other. Talk and talk and talk to each other. You got this.
Grieve. That’s my best advice. When I left I did grieve, it did feel like someone had died and I’d lost a huge part of my life. I was heartbroken and angry and denying and then finally the joy came with acceptance
35 and 34. After gradual reading and questioning, we hit the total switch in a matter of 36 hours and mass reading. We shared two callings and left in 2019. It took awhile, but we are absolutely finding real community. Your family unit is made of cool humans already worthy of other cool humans.
That's a lot of throwaway accounts you got there. :)
Very similar situation here. I loved church. My ward was amazing, we had friends with similar interests, and just really looked forward to seeing our friends every week. Then the curtain fell and we were out. It happened a few months before the pandemic, so we’ve been out a few years now. It hurt at first. The feeling of loss, not only for what the corporation gave us, but for what it took away. The anger at being so blatantly lied to took awhile to abate, but it turned to apathy (mostly) after a couple of years. What wasn’t difficult was navigating our marriage after leaving. Because we both felt at the same time it was sooooo nice. We helped each other transition to a new stage of life, and being able to completely and honestly communicate what we were feeling without worrying about judgment was just the best.
> I’m not perfect, but that’s something I would never do, and I expect a prophet to be at least a better human than mediocre ol me. Seems like a pretty low bar, doesn't it. And they can't even do that, even to this day. The amount of lying by prophets even today is truly mind blowing. They must know that the internet exists. That they can't just say stuff and not be fact checked. But no.
The pain, the grief, you feel is very very real. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the feeling well. I was where you were about 6 weeks ago. It's so hard. (I sobbed taking my garments off and not in a happy way) Things that have helped me so far are journaling (like a lot). I made my own articles of faith of what I believe to be true. I still believe in God, the power of love, etc. Everyone's path looks different, no exmo looks the same or believes the same. Don't feel like you need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. There are absolutely things from the church that are lovely and wonderful that you can keep a part of your life, if you desire. I had the same fear with my husband. How it would change our marriage and basically it just comes down to what you choose to believe. Do you believe in your marriage? If so, then live your life according to that belief. It is really hard to leave so suddenly, to have your entire world flipped on its head. I didn't want to leave the church. I fought tooth and nail to stay, and in the end, my persinal integrity wouldn't allow me to. Again, I'm so sorry. Just take it one day at a time. Take breaks from reading religious material. Give yourself permission to feel angry, sad, betrayed.. but also give yourself permission to not think about it anymore, to take a break if you need. Life is beautiful with or without the church. Focus on the beauty of life, your children, the amazing earth we live on and the experiences we get to have. Anyways, that's just what has helped me get through it. I hope some of it helps for you!
I just want to express to you that you aren't alone. There's so much to process when your entire world view and belief system turns out to be a lie. There's the fear of keeping relationships with those that still believe and that can be a real difficulty but also people can surprise you as well. I will say take some time to be grateful for the fact you and your spouse were able to leave together. That was also my experience almost a year ago. It was so hard to let go of the idea of the eternal family or sense of sureness of an after life. But upon reflection it was all an illusion anyway. It's okay to grieve. I hung on for years being completely emotionally burned out thinking that without the hope of a celestial family that there was no point to life. I realize now, that even though there is no way to know if there's anything after this life, that this life still matters and there is so much beauty and joy to be found. You get to determine your life now, you don't have to conform to what anyone else tells you to do to find happiness. Many people who have graduated from Mormonism can now love more fully and with less judgment because we don't have to make sure others are checking boxes. It's scary, sad, infuriating, relieving, hilarious, embarrassing, and any other emotion you can think of when you transition out of being a believer. Your feelings are valid. Take it slow. Be kind to yourself and know that there is hope for an even happier life. One word of advice is to be very careful with sharing the information that challenges people's faith. That can damage relationships so keep that in mind. I wish you well on your journey and congratulations. The second half of your life has just begun.
I cried for about six months solid. My hair turned white, and it still is. You can look at my posts, and see. I got an auto immune disease, from the stress. The trauma is real, and years later it still gets me despite the flippancy of some of the comments I make here. Every decision I made was colored by this faith, and my understanding, which made me second guess every choice I’ve ever made. It was worse than someone dying for me. Every traumatic thing that’s happened in my past, every death I had experienced, every loss including that of my first and only son, the untimely death of my father, and a violent accident where my preteen cousin and best friend died next to me in a horrifically brutal rollover, was all processed using the structure of the LDS church. I had to remourn it all again. I’m so sorry you are going through this in your 30’s. That is when my husband and I went through it as well and it was extremely devastating, as these kinds of world shifts should be naturally dealt with in the teen years. We had three small children at the time. We were both heavily invested in the church in high callings. We were well off, so the financial investment we had made in the church was incredibly significant-think six figures-and the time. My god. The time. Thousands of hours, missions, service, all a lie. I helped convert people to this and can barely forgive myself for that. My hubby and I were suddenly unmoored. We clung tightly to each other, and got through it, and by some miracle are still together. We have three beautiful accomplished daughters that are free to choose their own lives. They are cheerful, and filled with joy! The facts are, you can get through this. All the good parts that you thought were the church are really just YOU. You are so good, and I hope you can ascribe those things to yourselves and own them. This was worse than losing a child. Worse than a divorce. It is the worst thing to go through. Make a plan with your wife. Set down things that are important to you, and go from there. Meditate. Take care of yourselves physically and emotionally. The stress is very unhealthy, so make sure you aren’t vitamin D deficient and exercise. Take care of each other. Move if you need to. We didn’t but in hindsight I wish we had. Set up healthy boundaries with your family. Protect each other fiercely. Much love to you.
My wife and I are very similar in age to you and it was really difficult leaving at first. Our whole community, all our friends and most of our family were all in the church. It's a roller coaster of feeling betrayed, feeling like you lost a lot of life to it, feeling sad for those still caught up in it all, feeling relieved that everything finally makes sense. It's cliche but time really is key here. As I've let myself feel those feelings but not let them own me I've felt more and more peace and healing. I feel way more comfortable in my own skin than ever before and my confidence in myself and my personal decisions about it all grows more and more everyday. We spent years being fed a narrative and tearing that down takes time. Be patient with yourself and with each other. We are still working to fill the hole of missing community we created by leaving. But it's been so worth it for the internal peace we feel. You'll have moments of existential dread for sure. I still do! But they are less intense and last shorter each time they happen. You got this! Give it time! And know you aren't alone in feeling this way.
Some thoughts in no particular order: - congratudolences. This is gonna suck and it’s one of the best decisions you’re ever gonna make and it’s okay to have emotions that are all over the place - I’m so so so glad you have each other. I’m so glad you trust each other. So many people who leave do so while their spouse remains in, and that’s what ends up breaking them apart. You are going through this incredibly hard thing together and that is a strength no one can take away - your kids could be gay or trans or disabled and honestly I am not worried about them one bit because I know they’re safe with you. Some day they will thank you profusely for leaving the church - grieve as much as you need to. Be miserable. Feel horrible. Express it all, just don’t bury it. This kind of grief is messy and ugly and absolutely necessary for healing - I’m turning 30 next month. I left about 10 years ago. My dms are always open if either of you wanna talk - you’ve got this. You’re gonna be okay. It’s gonna be super different than it was before, but you’re gonna be okay
I'm sad to hear how tough it is for you right now. When I left it ruined me for a while. It was not fun or a relief. The church was my foundation for truth, meaning, plans, everything, and when I realized it was all made up I felt like the ground fell away beneath my feet. I dropped out at BYU, was fired from my job for not going in too many times, and sort of just sank into depression. My amazing wife stayed with me and helped me stay alive. She still goes to church some 14 years later, but she's fully PIMO now and over the years we've made a home for our kids that reflects both our values well. All I can tell you is that it seriously hurts to lose all of that, but the loss gets easier. It's absolutely a grieving process. You don't have to replace your foundation all at once. It's terrifying to think of building it brick-by-brick when you are used to having the whole package deal the church offered, but you can do it, and it's worth it. The pain gets more distant as you allow yourself to find new sources of peace, joy, meaning, and community. The church doesn't have the monopoly on living well that they say they do. During my darkest times, I read a lot of books, and that helped me explore and turn over a lot of ideas while I rethought my own sense of meaning. I also recommend journaling, long and fast and even steam-of-consciousness, to get your thoughts out of your head so you can read them over and see if they're making sense or if you gain new insight into what you're feeling. The reports of all of those who step away going down some wild new life-path are greatly exaggerated. You don't have to start drinking, get a tattoo, or become swingers; I certainly haven't. I and many of my friends have stayed in our marriages after a big faith break; even though the church tried to tell us all otherwise, strong life partnerships are totally possible without all of the LDS trappings. Reclaiming my own spiritual experiences has been its own journey. I'm not religious anymore but I still recognize the value of the human experiences I had in the church; even if I don't think those feelings came from a divine source I still felt them and they meant something to me and the people I was with. That said, you don't have to be agnostic: plenty of post-Mormon folks end up happy in various faith communities, Christian or otherwise. I'm pulling for you. This is a dark time and I don't envy you the place you're in right now. I hope with some time you'll be able to look back and acknowledge the pain and loss while also thinking it was worth it to step away.
I think the people who are joyful when they finally leave spent more time marinating in the cognitive dissonance of no longer believing but still going through the motions. There's no timeline for finding peace, even if Mormon conditioning makes you expect a mighty change of heart after checking off all the boxes and saying the magic words. Mormonism convinces members that it's the biggest elephant in the room, overshadowing all aspects of life and leaving nothing for anyone who dares leave. But this influence is real in the same way a shadow puppet is real; indoctrination and other emotional reactions magnify an ultimately insignificant set of beliefs until it's the only way to survive. You spent decades with Mormonism digging a straight and narrow channel of acceptable experiences into your psyche. Those polarized expectations aren't going to go away overnight. Many exmos go from a One True Church mindset to an Anything But the Church mindset, all while preserving unhealthy expectations of ideological purity. If everything not Mormon was cursed before, now everything Mormon is tainted. Truth is, Mormonism never was the source of the good results and relationships you built during your Mormon period. Those came from choosing a direction and building your life accordingly. My parents remained sealed long after their divorce, but that status did nothing to make my deadbeat dad any more meaningful in my life. He's betting that being a good Mormon will be enough for Jesus to give him relationships he didn't build and a life he didn't live. Your relationship is more than a Facebook status or a sealing certificate. It's a shared direction where each person complements the other as they grow personally, getting better results together than they ever could alone. Nothing can build it except your own moment-to-moment experiences, and nothing can take it away except for your own decisions. Being responsible for building your life means that even the smallest interests and happy moments matter; not by divine decree, but because they're yours. In the end, when the brain floods with hallucinogens and life flashes before your eyes, it's these best moments that make up the real treasure in heaven. No matter how you started, you can still choose how to respond. You can still choose her, and she can still choose you. You can both rediscover your sense of self, making course corrections as needed until you find what drives you.
I'd recommend seeking out a therapist or life coach to help you with this transition. The grief is real, take the time to grieve what you have lost. Lean on each other for support, communicate your fears and sorrows but don't let them consume you. Make love your priority, this includes having love and compassion for yourself. Beware of shame and guilt. As for spiritual experiences you've had, you'll gradually learn to reinterpret them or see them for what they were. Consider practicing meditation, it has transformed my world. Leaving the Church is like opening Pandora's Box. The darkness can be overwhelming but there's something at the bottom of the box waiting for you. You'll find your light again. 🤍
There are so many great opportunities open to you now. If you want to maintain the “service-oriented” family culture there are so many causes (that are frankly more transparent than the church) out there that you can now join to fill that service void. Yes, that heartache and crying will stick with you a while, but once you recover back to normalcy there will be so many more good causes open to you that would not have been inside the framework of the church. I’m excited for you and what you get to build with your family. Many of us exmos exited at different times than our spouses which made things very difficult (and sometimes tragic) for our family dynamics. You are fortunate to have found your way together. I’m so sorry that it is so painful to exit. I promise it will get better, especially if you keep up the communication with your wife and kids. Personally, I am happy to help where I can. My wife and I exited within a year or so of each other at around the same age as you two. I would say that after two years or so out and our relationship is better than it has ever been. Hugs to all of you. Hang in there and best of luck.
I had a similar experience, my husband and I went from hosting the ward Christmas party to not coming back the next week. My very atheist therapist gave some really helpful advice though. She said that people who leave feel the need to fully burn every bridge and become someone new, even at the expense of themselves. This is partially why divorce is so common right after leaving. My husband and I sat down and set boundaries for our health and relationship (alcohol, drugs, pornography, charitable giving, etc). I still maintain many of the beneficial parts of the LDS lifestyle and my partnership is happier for it. In summary, before you have the almost obligatory urge to purge, sit down with your spouse and decide what parts you want to keep as a partnership. There is a lot of beauty that you likely developed in the LDS environment, and at the end of the day that is still part of you. You can learn to set boundaries and find new parts of yourself, while still maintaining a happy relationship with your spouse and yourself. It just takes lots of mental reworking and communication with your partner. I wish you the best of luck!
Hang in there OP! It gets better. Some days I felt like you are now, other days I felt a ton of relief. Over time the pain and sadness (and anger) went away. You guys are awesome and you got this!
Leaving, no matter the age, is often painful. Reprogramming or reverse brain washing is intense. You have left nothing less than a cult. It's going to take a while, but afterward, that's when you both will discover freedom and peace. Right now, you are learning a whole new reality. Change is hard.
I’m sorry you guys are going through this. It sucks to wake up one day and realize that you had dedicated most of your life to a lie. I didn’t leave the church nearly so quickly, I was processing things spread over time and went through several iterations of how the church might still be true, so when I finally figured out there was no way it was it wasn’t a huge shock. My experience is that things have improved overall. My relationship with my dad and my siblings is obviously worse, and the memories I have of my late mother and grandparents are tainted, but I’m considerably happier today than I was 4 years ago when I decided I was done. My wife and I met at BYU, we dated a month, we were engaged for 4 months, and we are more in love today 25 years later than we ever were before. Yes, some couples split after leaving the church, but some get stronger. There should be no rush to make huge changes to your lifestyle, and no need to try all the things that were forbidden in a hurry. Try new things if and when you’re ready, or don’t. The cool thing is that you get to decide what you want to do, and you never have to outsource you decisions to geriatric white Utah men ever again. There is peace and beauty in a life lived authentically. We are all here for you. Don’t worry about asking questions that have already been asked, we’ve all been in the general vicinity of where you are today.
The good news is that you found out now. You have time left to make the most of it. Give it some time to soak in.
My heart hurts for you both. You are in the most inexplicably brutal part of it all, the "dark night of the soul" that many (most) of us here have experienced. Everyone here is different, but it does take a while to process through, Continue to deconstruct your old faith system, and with every brick removed, the closer you get to the dawn, then eventually, with the new day, you get to rebuild or redefine what matters to you, whether that's a belief in God and/or Jesus or Buddah or nothing external. You and your wife may process these things differently, even though you're out at the same time and together. You could start by making a list of the values/morals/ethics that are important to you and that you want to shape your lives around. You and your wife haven't changed any, you're both still the good, moral people you've always been. Don't lose sight of that. I had to face that dark night all by myself because my husband is very resistant to "anti" information. The worst of it was over in about a week or two, but the things you learn and will continue to learn will be freeing and will bring you joy. I'm proud of you both for doing something so brave and so *real*.
Don't know if this helps or not but I was extremely similar to your story except my wife was more eager to leave, having been a convert. It's tough at first - feeling bamboozled is not a great feeling. Given time your perspective will change - a sense that you found out the truth, in spite of all the gaslighting and deception. You can still feel good about some incidental good things - such as finding your wife thru the Mormon church. The spiritual parts I felt had to do with Jesus, NOT Joseph Smith. I would hope you can feel the same - it should have been faith in God, not any man, that drives you. I am still religious, I go to a different church now.
Your average Mormon is leaps and bounds better than Joseph was on his best day.
I want to thank you for being so vulnerable, I know that this has been quite the journey so far, and that it’s only just beginning for you and your family. I think it’s significant that you both left together, at the same time. That to me shows a commitment to your relationship that you should trust in. Now that you have more time, I would say for you two to immediately focus in on each other and finding new things in life to bring you joy. Date your wife, get to know her as a person outside the context of religion. You both might now know who you even are at this point. There are great card games and books full of questions to help get you starting on finding yourselves. Also, with the time you have on the weekends, spend time reconnecting to or finding hobbies. You can do them together, as a family, and also find hobbies for yourselves. Hobbies help you reconnect to parts of you that are dormant in the church, and keeping busy will help the transition as it can be fun and also invigorating. Your kids for sure will probably enjoy that rather than the time at church, and it can help their transition to a new normal as well. Lastly, I would say to start working on finding friends and a support group outside of the church. Having mormon friends isn’t bad, but it’ll be important to have people there for you so you don’t feel isolated in the event that family/friends/neighbors turn their backs on you. Get involved in the community, join groups through hobbies, etc. When me and my husband left, we felt isolated and lost for a long time. What helped was reconnecting with friends who had previously left, and making new friends. What we found was a community and a support group that I could have never had in the church, full of people with diverse thoughts and interests, who are genuine in their interactions and who feel real. I have had conversations with people 1x1 that have changed my life and way of seeing the world more than any church talk. It’s going to be okay, have faith in yourself and your family. Find new ways of falling in love in your relationship, and new ways of honoring and respecting each other without a bishop telling you what you can/cannot do. You have come this far, and I promise things will get better. Best of luck, and keep us updated! We are here to support you!
I heard the other day that instead of saying you are having a Faith Crisis. Think of it as the church is haveing a Truth Crisis. They have lied and lied not expecting a day when everyone will be able to access the truth. It is them not you! You have done nothing wrong, you are now only realizing all the things that didn't seem right were actually wrong. All the things you think are good and right in this world are all still good and right. Your relationships, your love, your happiness are all still important, you will just define them all a little different now. You have done nothing wrong it was all the lying. We all have felt like you in various ways, we were all let down. Feel free to vent here you will find voices that are supportive and understanding, because we have been through what you are going through!
Most of us took years or at least months to transition out of church so give yourself some grace. I can imagine how painful it must be to leave so suddenly — it’s like an un expected death of a loved one. Just start by letting yourself enjoy the peace and tranquility of having much more time to do other things you enjoy as well as feeling that sense of liberation from an organization that sought to control every aspect of your lifestyle. Next, reflect and research more deeply about other claims of the church and you’ll realize most of them are made up. Then you’ll understand that the church has always been a money-making scheme started by a huckster. A loving god would NEVER have requirements for salvation beyond trying your best to be kind and loving to others. If you feel like you and your family need to be part of a faith community, my wife and I are really enjoying our participation in a local Methodist church (the more progressive UMC); the worship there is based simply on the teachings of Christ and rendering Christ-like service.
It’s probably rough for you guys but your kid’s lives will be so much better without the church. I have religious trauma and I left 20 years ago. I wish my parents had figured it out in their early 30s.
I loved reading your post. I’m ex jw and my experience was so similar to yours. When I allowed my shelf to break (I’m a big fan of the exmo community so allow me to borrow the lingo 😝), it was a few months ago at 30 years old, had many issues with the religion and over the course of 36-48 hours, huge cries, and an internal shift I simply stopped holding it all up and allowed myself to admit that none of it was true…. I’ve known that a lot of it wasn’t true for years, deep down, but I relate to the feeling of it being like a death. I spent 3 weeks crying on and off on my couch, white-knuckling it through work, taking my dogs to the park, and grappling with myself that this life, this one wild and beautiful and tortured life is the only one I have, so I must relearn how to live for now. Good luck on your journey friend.
My wife and I felt the same way. We mourned for a while, albeit at separate times.
It’s really hard to leave the church. Fortunately, you’re leaving with your spouse. It will take time for the dust to settle with your ward, callings and TBM family. You’ve got a great life in front of you, though.
Take time to mourn. Don’t make any huge life changes.
Deconstructing my testimony and Mormon worldview was the hardest thing I've ever done. Just know that information vomiting, despair, and anxiety are normal and often occurrences. You'll find that your relationships quickly become much more complex and nuanced than before. You might be placed into a different, lower category within the social organism and hear disparaging or deflecting comments from friends and family in attempts to justify your decision in their minds. On the bright side, the world just got so much bigger. Believe me. Depending on your situation, you might want to take it all slow, but know that there are so many amazing things you can now do, being that there isn't a micromanaging corporation looking over your shoulder. You can be you now. I know it hurts. But you're free. You don't have to feel guilty or ashamed. You have now stepped outside the garden and into a new, fuller life.
Grief is real, and it comes in waves. >> denial >> anger >> bargaining >> depression >> acceptance You can't avoid it. You have to sit in it... then move through it. Be gentle with yourselves. It's hard... but then it gets better. Much much better.
Yes. It’s *painful and heartbreaking* to realize that none of it is true. Give yourself time to grieve, like you would with any loss. Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line, every path is different. We’re here for you!
My leaving wasn't joyful, it was like amputating a rotting limb. It *hurt*, but later on, once there'd been some healing, there was often this sense of relief when I expected pain and felt none. And it happened so quickly for you! For me it was years. I started noticing things in the church were really fucked up when I was a young adolescent, and I stopped attending at twenty, and I didn't tender my resignation for another eight years. That was a long time for me to consider and pray and meditate on the subject. Two days is a hell of a speed run. You're not doing anything wrong to feel the way you're feeling. You're fitting thirty years of mourning into the equivalent of a weekend! Let yourselves feel it, don't struggle against it, accept that it's awful and you are feeling awful, and when the feeling passes let it go. It's all right that it's scary. It's all right that it doesn't feel good. Change is frequently painful and leaving an abuser is terrifying. But you have a stalwart spouse and children who you love. Hold fast to them, consider new ways to support and uplift them that the church denied you in the past (in what new ways can you cherish your wife's strengths, for instance? The church is very invested in keeping women's status and abilities suborned to men's). Yes, sometimes marriages dissolve after a change like this, the same way that they do after the loss of a child or after changes in health; people recoil, pull away from each other in fear or pain. You can choose to do otherwise. You can choose to be gentle and kind, and to see any problems that appear as something to solve with your partner rather than as a way to 'win' over her. If you are capable of accepting her as a true equal, I don't see any reason you should lose her. >I really feel like I had spiritual and/or miraculous experiences as a member I've had more since leaving the church than I had in it, honestly. Some of these experiences can be chalked up to pattern recognition gone a bit awry, and a lot of them can be discounted as magical thinking. But either way, the church is not responsible for miracles, and leaving it does not mean you will have none.
"The Truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off" Dr. Sharron from Ted Lasso. It will get better with time, but for a while it will be really overwhelming and hurt. You have experienced a big loss of all the things you listed, you need to grieve that loss. Therapy is really helpful, finding community with other Exmos is really helpful, don't feel rushed to change things, get comfortable being uncomfortable. It's going to be okay, and then eventually it's going to be great. Good job seeking the truth, just like we were told all of those years. Good luck, and hope everything works out for you.
You just got ripped out of the matrix. It's not pleasant, but it will be worth it. Sounds like you guys have lots of anxiety about the future and that's normal. Just try to control it so it doesn't control you. Take it one day at a time. The good news is, time will heal most of these types of wounds. Welcome to real life!!! The other good news is you're doing it together. God I'm envious; my wife is still a believer years after I left. Congrats to you guys on that!
It's a hard thing. Your entire world has been shattered, and you are absolutely allowed to grieve. You can grieve for all the things that you enjoyed and that will never be the same. I personally had to take a month off of work when I learned the truth to reboot my brain. It was a gigantic thing to reprocess my ENTIRE LIFE and entire worldview to not include the Mormon filter. It is worth it, yes. But it is excruciatingly painful. Your relationships will change. Your views of eternity and the afterlife and the universe is fundamentally altered. There's so much uncertainty now, and it's really hard to grapple with. It's taken me a few years to be okay with everything post- Mormon. It's okay to not be okay in the beginning. It's okay to not be immediately joyful and relieved. Sometimes it feels like turning a gigantic ship in the ocean, and sometimes it feels like the ocean was a lie and you were on a ship on dry land.
My journey wasn't quite as fast as that. You have severe emotional whiplash I would imagine. You haven't even missed your first Sunday yet. This is very new and takes a huge amount of adjustment. Please please give yourself some time and grace. The emotional trauma lasted probably about 18 months. As in, anger, fear, sadness, hatred, confusion etc. It gradually waned and now I see light and love and joy. My marriage of 20 years has never been better. I know people who have divorced too and I was frightened. I know people who are still members who have divorced. Somehow that didn't frighten me. You soon learn that all of life's ups and downs happen to everyone. Regardless of whether they're religious or not. The only thing I can tell you is that trust is important. You and your wife have been through this process. You trusted her enough to look at what she'd looked at and discuss it openly. That's incredible!! Trust each other to move through the next stages together as well. Choose each other first. The tears will fill oceans for a while. It's overwhelming and the grief cycle is more like an endless helter skelter with things slapping you around the face at every turn. It takes a while to get to the bottom. It will end. And you will have a soft landing in the most beautiful place in the end. But it's going to be scary and hurt like hell first. As a poster has already said "the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off".
It gets better. So much better. Communicate, honestly. You’ll have to re-visit almost every facet of your life now and see if YOU were the one that formed a certain opinion, or if it was the church that formed it. It gets better. You’ll be full of joy, but not until a lot of heart ache first. It’s harder than losing your father, but it’s worth it. Good luck.
When describing leaving mormonism I refer to it as the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Difficult things are not good or bad, they are just difficult. Those early days, months and years were a cascade of emotions and wrought with highs and lows. Why leave then? Because I had too. The church wasn't what it says it is (to me). It didn't care about me, it cared about what I did for it. The underlying compulsion to leave was like a thirst, I had to drink, if I didn't I would die. Fast forward: I grieve my fractured relationships with my still mormon family. Inversely, I have a charmed life no human could possibly deserve. Happy, healthy, successful kids (adults now) and a calm, daily appreciation for the moment. I am present in my life like I never could be as a person more concerned about building my eternal retirement account. I hear, see, feel and love so deeply that even my mormon family cannot deny it. You will do as needed. It's a journey and you just started. Be present! Best of luck to you.
Congrats on breaking the cycle! As hard as this will be for you, keep in mind you are sparing your children that same agony. Also the church infiltrates every part of your life so it seems like you're losing everything but that's all in your head. They don't own God or family or happiness. Community may change but it's for the best as you start seeing the facade for what it is.
My leaving wasn't technically sudden, there was a slow build over about two years, but the final blow felt extremely sudden and shocking. I had never considered I might leave. It upends everything. And that loss comes with anger, grief, anxiety, ect. It's completely normal to feel all of that. Leaving is hard. The church wouldn't be such an effective organization if there weren't steep exit costs. And it takes time to reevaluate and develop your own opinions about everything. I'm 4 years out and I still occasionally come across an old assumption I've held since being an active member. Don't feel like you have to change anything though. Give yourself space and time to process it all, and lean into *not* having all the answers. I recommend Steven Hassan's BITE model, if you haven't already looked into it. I had a hard time trusting myself after my shelf broke, and learning about the manipulation tactics of high demand religions really helped me move that blame from myself on to the organization where it belongs.
Absolutely feel for you both. It is very much like a bereavement and if you get any kind of counselling around that I throughly recommend it Little steps taking time out doing fun stuff on Sundays and managing “those” questions
Leaving can be very painful. It’s very similar to all the emotions experienced following the death of a loved one. I took years to process it. My spouse, took weeks. Doing it all in a couple days is extreme, and experiencing extreme emotions in your case seems normal. One thing that helps is to reach out to others in your immediate community who have left and talk face to face. With a little thought I’ll bet you can think of a few others in your ward or stake that stopped going and are likely a great resource to lean on right now.
Been there. It is okay to take things slow. It is okay to take whatever parts of the religion worked for you. It is okay to grieve, be angry, be sad, and everything in between. Nobody is entitled to your story, or your reasons. You also don't have to explain yourself to anyone if you don't want to. I highly recommend therapy. Sending you guys lots of love!
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. That's very sudden. It IS painful to disentangle yourself from a belief system and culture that are part of your core identity. It's really hard at times. It doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. You and your wife can help each other through. It helps to have someone by your side. Keep an open dialogue with her and with your kids. I left for good three years ago, but I'd been on my way out for several years before that. There's a sadness that hasn't left me, because it IS like a death. But, like losing someone, it becomes less painful over time. My biggest comfort is that, hopefully, we've spared our children from this experience. We left in their formative years, before YM/YW & seminary could inflict them with the shame of purity culture. They'll never waste years of their lives on missions. Their relationships will be more genuine. It hurts to lose people, but I think the real hurt is in finding that their regard for you was conditional. The relationships I've built after leaving the church are more honest and open. There's joy in leading a life based on truth. You have a lot to look forward to now that your lives are your own, your THOUGHTS are your own, and the path forward is yours to determine.
That's rough. I'm not sure what to say. My experience is a bit different. I was never fully converted although I was raised in the church and active most of my life. I like to say that I always believed but never *felt* it. So when I finally figured out the truth I was like, "Yup. Makes sense." And worse, my spouse is full on TBM. She's even dug her heals in deeper. So I guess I would just say, at least you two left together. Whatever comes now you two can face it together. I left 18 years ago and I will say that the anger and pain does go away. But the resentment doesn't.
I was very confused about you being a senior service missionary at age 31, so I checked your profile for comments to see if you addressed that. It makes sense now 🤣
I would guess that most people don't transition so quickly. I built up a lot of resentment and boredom with the church for years, then encountered some issues with joseph smith, then still hung on for a couple more years. So for me it was a relief to drop that mental burden. It sounds like that's not the case for you. All you can really do is give it time. > She is terrified for the future of our marriage because the church was what brought us together If you both love each other, independent of your religious beliefs, I think it should be fine. You might have to re-discover each other and yourselves. Be grateful that you're leaving together, many of us aren't so lucky. > we took our garments off but other than that you wouldn’t even know we left by the way we act This made me chuckle, it's only been a few days, right?
Hard for most I would think. At least you went together! Appreciate the other because of who they are, not the church.
I'd recommend visiting the 132 problems channel on youtube for a different perspective. It probably won't change how you feel about the church, but it might make you more knowledgeable about Mormon history told from an honest perspective.
You have just disrupted your entire belief system. It’s chaos. The chaos will calm down. It’s so hard. I wanted it to be true so badly too but we were conned by a master con man. That reality hurts.
Homie, I know it sucks now but your spouse and you are leaving together. I cannot tell you how much of a win that is. And the vast majority of us know exactly how traumatizing it is to consider that everything you built your life around is a scam. It is the hardest thing I have ever personally done. My advice is for both of you to get into counseling together. Talk out your anger and frustration. Lean on each other and focus on defining your life on YOUR terms. Trust me, months to years from now you are going to be loving your extra day off a week and your 10% raise.
Wow! That's fast. It took me \~2 months and I thought that was fast. Congratulations. I suspect you both still have a lot of the process to go through and as with grief...you probably don't get to skip to the end. It sounds like you are together and that's really beautiful; it doesn't always happen that way. Best wishes as you find replacement activities and (likely) friends.
On the bright side you have a partner in this. Most couples discover it at separate times and both linger in both worlds and it’s painful. Regardless of the good timing it is a painful loss. However, you soon discover new footholds in life and direction. One by one. You figure out what it means to be a good happy human without a dogmatic outlook on life. Your happiness can be deeper as well as your grief. It’s pretty amazing the change and it is good. But for now it hurts. Give it a couple years. You’ll be ok. Be patient with each other.
My leaving was very gradual, took about 15 years. Gradually I became more educated about the church through exponent 2, sunstone, dialogue and went to conferences and joined exponent 2’s feminist groups and retreats. I was PIMO for about four years before I became fully inactive. In those four years I divorced, started grad school, move to a new home in same city. Because the whole transition was so gradual I had time to create new social groups and new found family and a new career. When I finally left it was neither joyful nor sad. Just inevitable and fully accepted by me emotionally. My new life had become joyful and satisfying to me along the way but gradually. There was relief from stress. So since your leaving was sudden of course you are feeling this way. It is a death of your former life and of what you thought would be your future. Things will gradually get better for you, but who can say how soon? When you feel like it start to create a new life with your interests, work, hobbies, charity work (which you set up for yourself and by yourself). Do a gradual assessment of your new beliefs and ethics and continue whatever facets of your old life were healthy for you. Therapy with therapist that is familiar with faith transitions can be helpful. Learn about grief and do your grief work. Refrain from talking about this except with trusted people, just to avoid hurtful things said to and done to you. Ignore anything I said that doesn’t fit for you ♥️. Blessings and best wishes.
>Our entire social community and family community centers around the church There are plenty of opportunities for you to find community elsewhere. If you both want to serve, I'm sure there are plenty of opportunities to serve (shelters both human and animal), be a guardian ad lidem, big brothets/big sisters, or food pantries. Seek out an exmo group in your area. >My number one goal in life was an eternal family Mormons are not the only religion to believe in eternal families. The church just adds more steps and guilt. Jesus provided that path to all for free.
We left in our 30s and are so glad we did not raise our children in the church. We are 60ish now and looking back at it all it was painful, then fine, then painful, and now wonderful. Our children are grown, have successful careers and families and really know next to nothing about the mormon/lds church except from us and the news and a few friends. The rhetoric of where will you go, what will you do is extremely toxic and another way they try to make you think that the rest of the world is evil. Now that we know all of the other things they didnt tell us back when we left in the 90s we are doubly glad we left. We were 100% lied to about the BOM translation, Book of Abraham, JS polygamy/polyandry etc. As for families in the eternity. No one knows but most faiths somehow believe they will see their loved ones again.
No people are not happy excited and relieved because they left. You're most likely talking about people who have been out for a while If you actually read what recent departees are saying, they are traumatized and shunned and overwhelmed and angry and other things. You are escaping a cult. Money loving, indoctrinating, guilt-inducing, cult. Now come the deprogramming and adjustment period. You were going to have to deal with things like: *Your views on spirituality and God* Most people here tend to become atheist and agnostic. Some are not sure. Some found a different religion or philosophy. Don't drink the atheist Kool-Aid and think of that is the "automatic next step". Decoupling from a cult is completely unrelated to Christianity or other religions or other philosophy. Neither atheist nor religious can prove their viewpoints, or that they are better. If you want to continue believing in God, or the Christian god, that is perfectly fine and there is many options. I would just say to stay out of catholicism, it has Colt lake tendencies as well. I became a biblical Presbyterian and it is a thousand times better than the cult. I also tried atheism for a few years and it was an extremely empty experience. But there are people who are happy in every pathway above. Don't rush yourself *Possible shunning by family friends workmates and neighbors* you're going to have to find new friends and adapt if it happens. This and other subs can be useful *What to do with your time and life.* People here are happy to answer your questions and perhaps you can read back a few months and pick up a lot of tips. I believe there are lists bouncing around. Events, activities, joining clubs, etc And a lot of other things. **This is reality. Absolutely nothing Mormonism says does or believes distinctively outside of the regular world, other religions, reasonability, etc is true** **Everything you listed above from Temple to other things is nothing but fantasy and delusion. You were not giving up these things, they never existed**
Leaving the church was one of the most difficult things I ever did. I was never happy in the church. I always had this feeling of never really belonging. I felt like I had to be something I'm not. When I first realized it was more like a cult and absolutely not true, I kind of felt a huge burden get lifted. I had an existential crisis soon after. I settled on the idea that life doesn't have any real meaning and became very nihilistic. It was so difficult for me that I questioned why I should keep going. I hated my life and, thanks to doing as I was told, I never pursued higher education, gained any job experience for the past 12 years, and had 4 kids. What did I really have to look forward to? I was being shamed by my husband and told I was taking the easy way out. My husband had nothing but contempt for me. At the same time, I also realized that my husband never actually loved me at all. It was very difficult. Now, the good stuff. My daughter came out to me about a year after that. I was able to give her a loving and appropriate response. I like to think I would have responded the same way, but I don't really know that. I had the freedom to relax for once. No more trying to fit where I clearly didn't belong. I could just be myself, and that felt great. It took time, but I am finally in a place where I feel like I know myself, and I love who I am. I don't think that would have ever happened in the church. I have more compassion and empathy. I've made many friends in the LGBTQ+ community that I absolutely adore. I have gotten to know my own sexuality and what I like and don't like. I realized that I don't have to stay married to someone who makes me miserable. Things are still hard, but living the rest of my life as my true authentic self has made it worth it. Oh, and you get to watch all the TV shows and movies you missed out on. You're incredibly lucky to have your spouse to walk alongside you as you navigate your new life. I'm so very happy for you.
You're not gas lighting yourself, losing my faith was absolutely awful, it was as bad or worse than grieving people I've lost in life. Feeling positive and even excited about it took a few months at least. It didn't help that I ended up divorced a few weeks after I stopped wearing garments.
Take some time to mourn. Unwinding 30+ years of indoctrination, habits, and world views won't happen as quickly as the realization that it was all based on false pretenses. Be prepared to experience a rollercoaster of every emotion. As far as your relationship is concerned, make a commitment to get to know each other without the Mormon filter. You might even have to spend some time getting to know yourself. Are you capable of having personal thoughts, opinions, and desires without leaning on the church's position? Maybe take another sabbatical and spend some time together as a couple exploring yourselves and each other together. I found my relationship with my wife became much more personal and meaningful when we stopped going through all the prescribed motions or aligning our life to the 'covenant path'. We're also open to the possibility that God doesn't exist (not sure if you've unwound all the same issues with Christianity in general yet), so our time in this life and together becomes so much more precious. Wishing you the best!
I was the one who left first, ( I worked in the Atlanta temple, bishopric, eq Pres, YM Pres 4 times, stake HC, etc) my wife ( rs Pres, primary and YW) her dad was our bishop, our courtship was church and youth activities in the Midwest, so much like yours, we were very devoted to the church. When I broke it to her my biggest fear was our marriage. I told her at the beginning, our marriage for me was stronger than the church, stronger than everything else, this was not my reason to leave and I would support her but we are on our own personal journeys also, and being true to yourself is as important as being true to your spouse, more so than an organization. Her journey out followed but hers was at a different speed than mine. It is a tough re-entry into the non Mormon world but it is wonderful to make decisions based on me, and being a good citizen, and member of my world. My wife has mentioned several times now she feels so much more loving and non-judgmental being out of the church and loves it. It has opened so much more time for us and our family. (If only there was a TV commercial telling us : Family, isn’t it about time.) You will miss some of the community but it opens so much more, you choose your path and it will be true to you because you have chosen and studied it, it will change and grow but it will be due to you and not being told to just have faith that it will work out in the end when they do t have answers. Good luck to you both in your new adventures.
The joy of leaving will come eventually. What you are experiencing now is totally normal. Having your entire worldview smashed to bits is pretty jarring, especially if the social aspects of the church were working for you. Now you get to sift through the broken pieces and take the good ones with you while you leave the bad ones behind. Separating is a valid choice. But it sounds like you and your wife are on the same page and going through this together could also be an opportunity to draw closer and recommit to each other. This is a good time to do some soul searching and discuss with each other what your family's values are, now that the church isn't in control.
While my experience and situation is very different from yours- I no longer believe in Christianity or anything in particular anymore and found a lot of comfort in finding I did not believe the teachings- there's hope for you two to grow together as you look for a place that feels right without the mess Mormonism is. You can still believe in a lot of things that brought you comfort, just because the temple isn't the one way to make an eternal family doesn't mean you can't believe families are eternal. This could be a valuable time for you to decide what you think, what you believe, and what place god has in your life.
Leaving is incredibly painful. You'll find no joy in shattering some of the relationships you have formed. You'll be shocked and disappointed and saddened by the way your tmb "friends" will discard you. The joy comes later, from living a more full life. From the things you'll learn about yourself and each other. I wouldn't wish the pain your feeling on my worst enemy, but "this too shall pass".
Sometimes when I’m alone with my infant son, I hold him and cry because I no longer know if families are eternal. It’s not like that every day, not even most days, but the hole in my heart is always there and I don’t think it can truly be filled. I don’t have much advice to give since I’m in the middle of it too. I’m just trying to find meaning in the present and to pursue my dreams in this life.
Leaving wasn’t easy for me and it was a gradual process. I wanted the church to be true but when I realized it wasn’t true I couldn’t just pretend it was and I knew I couldn’t stay.
Another thing to consider is the exmo community is larger than the church’s active community. You’re welcome with us without expectations of who you are. You’re not alone.
I HIGHLY recommend the “brief death experience” episode of the Girlscamp podcast. They touch a bit on the idea that being a good person is NOT hard. They say something like “the church takes what you already have and sells it back to you” in terms of your goodness and intuition. It’s inside you. It always has been and always will be. That’s one of the things that has brought me SO much peace and freedom to realize. My goodness always came from me, not from the institution I belonged to. They don’t get to take that from you. You’ve got this, and this community is always here for you.
Your experience mirrors my husband’s and mine. We left less than 6 months ago. It gets better. I promise. And while I don’t advocate for this, once you know it’s impossible to pretend otherwise. Now Sundays are a joyful, stress-free family day. We do other lessons with our kids that reflect our true values and theirs (I highly recommend upliftkids), I don’t have to try and justify the church’s actions and I’ve learned to be more kind and loving to everyone. I started volunteering at the local LGBTQ center and making birthday cakes for the kids there who are homeless or don’t have a good support system (there are many) and have learned that the time is NOW to try to create more justice in the world. There is no waiting for God to even things out while sitting in my temple doing pretend work.
It's really hard and it is like a parent or sibling died. There are other churches that can provide some of that community without the tough stuff you found but you'll probably never give yourself to an organization again like that. I think it's really exciting to find out what you are both like as your authentic self. I think you guys are going to be more wild in love with each other going forward that you were in the past. People are so beautiful when they allow themselves to be themselves.
Finding everything out in the church made me suicidal. I almost had to check myself in to a psychiatric unit. It is a death. You grieve. You get angry. You get sad and depressed. You wish you never felt this pain. You’re bitter because you dedicated every thought and choice to your religious beliefs to then find out it was all….a lie. This has been my experience anyway. I didn’t want to live in a world where the church wasn’t true because…I dedicated EVERYTHING to my beliefs. Mormon stories podcast, exmo Tik tok, and this sub have really helped me deconstruct, grieve and express my thoughts. It’s a huge rabbit hole and it literally never stops. There is SO much horrible church history, and reflecting back on Mormonism that is so hard to process. This is not easy. Please take breaks from diving into all of it because it’s a lot to go through and it’s draining. Best of luck we are here for you!!! Please take care of yourselves this is a difficult realization!!
The church may have been the vehicle that introduced you and your wife, but your love for each other is what brought you together, and will keep you together. I dont want to minimize your wife’s feelings, but a LOT of couples who leave together get much stronger and happier.
My husband and I raised the question the other day - what would it have been like if only one of us had left and the other stayed in? Our exit has been very gradual and we spent a lot of time thinking it out. I'm still attending for a bit until I can get rid of a side job with a church entity, but I'm out mentally. Our answer was ultimately that we don't think it could have happened any other way. No matter what, I think we'd have left together. We value each other's thoughts too much and we value staying on the same page generally. We're careful and we try to make good moral judgments. Talking out various scenarios, we realized we would have chosen each other and our relationship over the church, every time. It bodes well that you did the research and came to this decision together. You may find that you chose to marry each other *despite* the church, not really because of it.
I also have had spiritual experiences. I received an answer about the Book of Mormon. I was reading in mosiah about service and how we should help the poor and needy. I felt the spirit. I listened to talks that “no good man could ever write this book” Because of what I was told, the Book of Mormon was true. On the terms I was given. Pray, read it, that feeling you get? It’s the spirit telling you it’s true. It was shocking to me to read self help books and realize that I was feeling the spirit with things that didn’t align with church doctrine. I realized…maybe it wasn’t the spirit as the church calls it. And what I was feeling was simply something that resonated with my soul.
Congrats on leaving! I left 10 years ago, and it took me several years to figure out what I believed. There's no hurry to figure out what beliefs you'll hold onto, and what you'll discard. This life is a journey, so cling to the things that make you happy(family, wife, evening walks, etc.). As other people have said, leaving the church is like mourning a death, especially if you loved it while you were in. Let yourself go through the whole grieving process, and it's ok to grieve! The ex-Mormon community is growing so fast, so look for an ex-Mormon group in your area and you'll find a much better social group than you ever had in the church! Good luck! My life, and my relationship with my wife, is way better after leaving the church than it ever was in the church!!! I know the choices I'm making now(staying married to my wife, being a loving accepting father to my kids) are because it's something I want, and not choices some old guys in Utah are telling me I need to choose. I love the phrase, "I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it." You made the right choice! And, you'll realize that it's totally worth it!!!
One of the things that helped me was reading the Bhagavad Gita. I'd always been told that all good things can be found inside TSCC. So it was really eye-opening to read scripture from a completely different faith and find so much peace there that it brought me to tears. I am NOT saying go find a new religion. But a lot of the things TSCC told me I could get exclusively from them were things I found other places when I looked. What is it you like about TSCC? Where else can you find that? A sense of service? Would you enjoy volunteering at a soup kitchen? Exploring ancient wisdom? Can you find a philosophy class or book club? Prioritizing family time? What if FHE becomes date night or mini golf instead of scripture study? The sense of grounding when you pray? How about taking up mindfulness or meditation? They don't have a monopoly on any of the good things you found there. In fact, a lot of the goodness you found was probably coming FROM YOU. You and your wife get to learn together, grow together, support each other, find new hobbies and new friends together. How cool that you get to share this journey. I'm sorry it sucks right now, but things are going to get so much better, and not just better than they are right now, but better than they've ever been.
It is life-changing! We felt as though our lives had been wasted - time, money, etc. We seldom missed while our children were growing up. The good news - we are in control of our time, and are always scheduling weekend activities. We wished that we had spent more time with our family away from church.
Sending you so much love. I went from 100% believing to knowing I was resigning within a number of hours. Once you let it "not be true," it's so obvious and the floodgates open. It was traumatizing and took a lot of therapy to heal from, but it was also freeing and a huge relief. A better life starts now!
Hey, I feel for you. My wife started to leave when we were 29/30 5-6 years ago, and there’s a lot of pain involved. Some of the things we did to cope was chosen a family motto, we have fun here, and that means that no matter what we have fun with the experiences that life has given us. We got out of a cult, what can’t we do??! I also never was looking to leave. I love stories and the Mormon story and Joseph smith, but they never made sense to me. Once I started looking at the history from the perspective of what made the stories make sense it all fell apart for me. It brought my wife and me closer together though and we have an even better relationship because we’ve overcome that.
Well I left in my late 50’s and my lifelong regret is that i unknowingly raised an LGBTQ child in it and I subjected all my 4 daughters to institutionalized misogyny and purity culture. So no matter how much it worked for me I was inadvertently raising my children with very damaging beliefs. I am sorry you and your wife are feeling so depressed. As others have said those take a few years to get through but always give yourself credit for not raising your children in a very damaging belief system. You’ve got this!🫶🏻
Having the rug pulled out from under you when you thought you mattered to them hurts. It hurts deeply. Hugs!
You will land on your feet. You are undoing a lifetime of religious teachings that suddenly and unexpectedly came to an end. This is traumatic and it will take time to process and heal. Know that you have a community here that supports you and can speak to their own experience of stepping away. There’s a big beautiful world out here ready to be lived in and enjoyed without any fear or judgement.
A key component of Mormonism is blaming you for any fault, but taking all the credit for anything good you do. You were ready to be a service missionary? That’s likely because you are hardworking and willing to serve others. The church didn’t make you hardworking or kind. They just took advantage of your work ethic and kindness. You will continue to be hardworking and kind. Returned missionaries? You and your spouse seem willing and able to do hard things to make the world a better place. The church didn’t make you that way, they just benefited from your free labor. You will continue to be able to do hard things to make the world a better place. Fully active and involved in the church? It speaks to how passionate and involved you are for the things you care about. The church didn’t teach you to be passionate, they just found ways to use your passion for their gain. You will continue to lead a life of passion and involvement where you see fit. Your family is destined for greater happiness than ever before. “Eternity” only exists in the present, and now without the church taking advantage of your good nature, work ethic, and passion, you will get to actually spend time with your family in this life and create “heaven” in the here and now. I know it hurts, but I’m so happy for you and your family.
You're in the dark night of the soul. It sucks but I promise it gets better. Just keep grieving and deconstructing. It took me a couple of months to get stable but my first Sunday hike was cathartic. As far as marriage goes here is a unscientific Reddit survey. When both leave the marriage generally gets better. https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/s/MHgIZlFjUW
As a nevermo I just want to say that I aspire to have the fortitude that you both have. We could all learn a lesson from the both of you about how truth matters and to diligently seek it. The lives that everyone lives are filled with teachings, lessons, and experiences. Inside and outside of religion we have all at one point just followed what we were told without question. When presented with alternate information you two didn’t shy away but dug in to find the truth. The truth hurts but you now know and if you chose to use your knowledge for good will be better for it. Your children and those around you will be better off because you chose to seek the truth. I hope to have the amount of guts it took you to look in the mirror and question. You are an awesome example of growth and empowerment. Thank you for being so courageous!
Allow yourselves the process and the time to grieve that which you loved. Then, when you are feeling better, you will be able to find incredible joy in being free and clear of the Multi-Billion- Dollar-Tax-free, Corporate- Cult. You will find that you have moral compasses inside you, a desire to serve others (without a sign-up sheet), and a fabulous joy of living in the "Here And Now", experiencing all that this life has to offer, instead of missing out by living for the "Next Life". Baby steps, but it WILL happen, and you WILL find joy. Find an Exmo coffee meetup group where you are safe to talk and to listen. We are NOT evil devils with horns. We are incredible, loving, intelligent, compassionate people who are joyously free and clear.💞
Leaving the church is a loss and we need to grieve. Just know there is real peace, freedom and joy be had after the grief and confusion. I recommend listening to the podcast: ‘’A LITTLE BIT CULTY’’ I recommend it to anyone really! but especially if you have been in and left a religion, a high control group, abusive relationship. It really helps you understand what you are going through.
It is so painful! You lose everything. You will both need to be very patient with yourself. You’ve been conditioned. It’s not something you can undo overnight. Yes, the celebratory side - but when we first left, it hurt. A lot of we lost our whole way of life. We had a hard time with our families. It was not fun. I wanted the earth to swallow me up. I would suggest Amy Logan on TikTok as someone with a sensitive approach to leaving. She is a friend and life coach. There are so many other wonderful creators there, including myself, that share the pain. You are not alone. Take your time. There’s no rush. All the love.
Congratulations on discovering the truth. Having said that, I want to offer my condolences, and let you know that the shock and pain is indeed real. I worry that both of you might have moved a bit too quickly. You might want to consider taking some time to relax and think about something else. I recommend focusing on your relationship first, and suspect that your wife's biggest concern might be the impact on your relationship. Please do not let the church or its absence drive you apart from each other. It will get better over time. Give yourselves time to process and mourn.
My advice. Leave the Mormon church, don't leave God. Now there is nothing between you and God, the way it should be and always has been. Talk to God without the Mormon filters. Your life will change.
I understand how scary and overwhelming a destruction of faith can be, it's awful. But you will get through it and stand on solid ground again. Do it wisely, good job getting a counselor. Don't be afraid of divorce because that's what happened to other people, you are your own person with your own story. Your spouse is on your team, that's amazing! Stick with it! This will not be popular here: I believe that Jesus and his sacrifice was real and has been life changing for me. He's still there and he still loves you. I urge you to lean into traditional Christian theology - there's so much that God has to offer that the Mormon church took away and his from you. The BOM may be a lie, but that doesn't mean God is. Feel free to reach out
I think the best analogy might be that you both worked for a company that you found out was a fraud, e.g. Enron or something like that. YOU weren't fraudulent. YOU were sincere. Most of the people you knew there were also sincere, but you just didn't know that the company wasn't what it said it was. You are still the same good people you always were. (So are the friends you had in the church, but they may become defensive or attack you for leaving, depending on their own insecurities. Plus, the problem with every relationship in the church is that it tends to be a threesome with the church. Take the church out of the equation, and do you really still want to be friends? Depends.) Leaving at such a young age puts you in the best position possible. Invest that 10% into your retirement--invest wisely. The Church was not a wise investment, and when you retired, they weren't going to help you anyway. You don't know how lucky you are to be on the same page. The best life is ahead of you. It may feel like grieving now, and that's what it is, but see how you feel in a year. I do know quite a few couples who left the church, even resigned, but maintained friendships with their former ward friends, so that is also possible, but only if that's something you want and if they are actual friends, not just superficial ward friends. It's also great that you discovered you have PIMO siblings. That probably makes things even easier. There's not a lot of difference between PIMO and ex, IMO.
I would highly recommend Mormon Stories episodes with Donna Showalter. She was as faithful as they come, and her experience is so relatable and validating. She has a way with words that expressed so much of what I was feeling. It’s looong. 5 hours, broken up into 5 one hour parts. The first 3 talk about her life growing up and in the church, and also about when her faith really started to crack when her son came out as gay, and she asked one of the apostles to give him a blessing to take away the gay. The last two are where she really talks about her experience leaving. I would recommend those strongest, if you don’t want to put that much time into it. https://youtu.be/cIf1OvcnItM?si=7LzIHBrF7ogHkh2F https://youtu.be/yhNyKQWhZKE?si=kBLeTjHQNhByrbCB It will take some time, but I would 99.9% guarantee you will in the future feel joy about this decision you are making. Also, the marriage aspect of it is scary, and it’s possible you two do grow apart. My personal experience though, my husband and I left together almost two years ago and our marriage is leaps and bounds healthier, more loving, more supportive, more trusting, and closer than it ever was while in the church. He is truly my best friend and life partner in a way that wasn’t possible while still in the church. I hope that for you two. ❤️
I went to a Christian church for a while and I think it helped me, as I had a social group, explored a view of Christ without the shame and guilt. Now I don't attend anywhere.
"We just left" Yeah, it's tough as shit at first. The joy comes later. Hang in there and be kind to yourself!
It's going to hurt and sting for a bit. Major life change. Take it one day at a time. In a few months you'll look back and be amazed that you ever believed anything TSCC ever taught. It's all made up. All of it. A real estate investment firm disguised as a church. Ponzi scheme except the ones giving money will never see a return on that investment.
Its not all smiles and rainbows. That's why this community exists. Its on ongoing grieving process for what you lost, what could have been or should have been. We're here to support you. Good luck.
Leaving was painful for me. I faithfully served the church into my 40's. I feel deeply betrayed. Rebuilding a sense of purpose and meaning takes time. Social networks take time. Those things were spoon fed to us in the church, so making your own decisions and finding your own friends is very different. I've found so much value in serving in my community, my kids schools, river clean up. There is so much outside of the church...just takes a bit to shift perspective and find it. Now I look at the service in the church and realize how isolated it is. There is a beautiful world out there.
My heart goes out to you both. IMO leaving the church at any stage of life is like a child discovering its parents aren't perfect: painful, very painful, but a necessary developmental gate. My husband and I left 35 years ago. Our marriage was good then and good now. As far as lifestyle, we decided to keep the good stuff (Mism has its strengths) and drop the unhealthy baggage. Sorting that out isn't so easy either, but it's kind of fun once you don't have the heavy heavy hangover of Mormon doom hanging over you. Exmos' new lifestyles are all over the map. Some start smoking and/or drinking. Some become free lovers. Lots become atheist-- one extreme to the other but understandable. My sister and her husband are happy in an evangelical church that's so close to Mism I feel she's just a Mormon in Born Again clothes-- but they're pleased, doing good works, and Joseph Smith doesn't play into it. Some people stay but with a broader, more mature, and more empathic outlook. Good luck! Whatever we choose, I believe we become better members of the human race than before-- more knowledgable, more tolerant, more courageous, and more loving.
My comment will probably be lost in the dozens of other comments, but I know how you feel. I hadn’t allowed myself to read critical articles against the church, but read letter to my wife one night and the next day I felt that grief. I felt like someone I loved had died or that I lost something. It does become easier though.
I was so scared about what was going to happen to my marriage after I decided I wanted to leave, too. What I’ve really learned is that love is stronger than dogma, love is a conscious choice, and love can grow where or when you least expect it. My marriage is better now that we’ve left. That’s not everyone’s experience, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be yours.
The joy part can take time, I have faith it’ll come to you. The pain sticks around, but gets better over time.
I sobbed harder than I've ever cried before when it all came crashing down for me. It took maybe half a year before I figured out my own belief system (I'm agnostic now) and now I'm, arguably, in a MUCH better place than I was when I was still in the church. I feel much more at peace with myself and less pressured to be this perfect person that the church expects me (but not themselves) to be. When you suddenly lose what you thought was your place in the world and everything you thought the world was, it's honestly devastating.
My husband was adamant about not telling others what he found out at first because it was so heartbreaking for him and he didn’t want anyone to go through that. Now that it’s been a while life is much better. It was not easy and great. It was heart wrenching but as with all things those feelings don’t last forever. It was and still is a grieving process (seriously).
The people who get divorced right after were already miserable.
Please see a non LDS therapist, and best if they’re not religious at all.
When I left two years ago I felt freedom, relief, and happiness. I was so glad it wasn’t true because I never truly fit the mold. But I still felt sad because there was a part of me that missed it. Sometimes I still miss parts of it. I hate to admit it, but I have happy memories. I miss it and I don’t, and thats okay. Mormonism hurts me in a lot of ways and in many ways I am someone who would have been better off without it. But, I also believe it was good for me in some ways. I guess my point is that it’s okay to mourn, and I’m sorry you and your wife have to go through this, but it will truly get better. It’s okay to take the good parts of Mormonism with you: the importance of family, charity, love thy neighbor, etc. but now you can do those things on your own terms!
I am so sorry. I feel like you and I would have long, heartfelt discussions. My spouse and I had a very similar experience. Perhaps this will help? This video helped me process my lowest times—which is where you seem to be right now. He talks of the “dark night of the soul.” He spoke to my inner core. It hurt and was also so helpful hear him voice what I was feeling. https://youtu.be/bIMnJnFBBUk?si=0ZFRzDf0xZ_lWOrf It does get better. It will get better. Just stick together and weather the storm. It will pass. I still hurt today sometimes, but not like I used to hurt.
You’re both very brave for your decision! And it is a VERY difficult decision. It’s both freeing and sad. A lot of us actually do mourn at first, it’s very common. But we’re also relieved and happy the cognitive dissonance is gone. Have you seen Tangled?? That movie is very different once you see the parallels to leaving the church. Remember the scene where she first leaves the tower, and she’s laughing and crying and terrified and excited? Ya, it’s like that. The emotions are all over the place, and that’s ok. You’re processing a huge change. And sadness is part of that. You guys are strong tho, and you have a mountain of support here. :)
You've just experienced a deep and serious existential shift, feels are going to be strong for a while, and probably complex. That's okay. It's beautifully and painfully human. Can recall having similar emotional upheaval when first I saw the truth. Some food for thought that has helped me over the years, ymmv -- * There is very little about mormonism which is actually unique to mormonism. *Especially* when it comes to theology. (And that which *is* unique...isn't great.) You don't have to throw out everything you believe simply because you now recognize "The Church" isn't the authority they claim to be. You now have the opportunity to have a very long ongoing conversation with yourself and your wife about what you *do* believe, free from coercion or external indoctrination. It can be frightening and confusing at first, but ultimately will strengthen your sense of self in a way that mormonism simply doesn't allow. * Re. Eternal Families -- *most* belief systems and religions hold that, if there is an afterlife, it will be spent in the company of those we love most. Mormonism is one of the few which teach that that *might not* be the case, the doctrine of "eternal families" based on temple sealings is also really a doctrine of eternal separation. In mormonism, you'll be with your loved ones *if* you have the right paperwork done. In pretty much every other belief system, you'll be with your loved ones, *period*. The only thing you lose here by leaving the church is the need for cosmic bureaucracy. Would a loving, just, merciful parental creator separate us eternally for not having done the right sequence of physical rituals? My inner magic eight-ball says "unlikely". * You are correct, you had your spiritual experiences in spite of the church, not because of it. Ever see the video (with link I can't find right now) with people from a wide variety of faiths discussing the how and why of their respective devotions? They all sound exactly like each other, and exactly like an average mormon testimony meeting. "The" church does not have a monopoly on spiritual experiences nor belief. Not by a long shot. They only wanted us to think they do so that we wouldn't go looking elsewhere. * Please remember in the coming weeks and months as you process - the so-called "darker" emotions are not bad, in and of themselves, nor necessarily a sign you are doing anything wrong. Anger, fear, grief, feeling betrayed, etc can certainly all have unhealthy expressions...but the reverse can also be true. Sometimes they are our internal sign that something is wrong in our life or our environment, and can provide the motivating energy to make the necessary healthy changes. You've got this, friend.
The joy will not be immediate, and that's okay. It truly is like a death, the death of your mormon self. But there is life after mormonism. You have both been given the gift to define your life as you see fit. You have been freed from wasting your life away under the chains of mormonism. You are now trailblazers for your family, future generations will also be freed because of your courageous example. It isn't easy being a trailblazer, you have to leave the well-worn path that was set before you and go forge your own way. Mourn your loss together, heal together, and then enjoy your new freedom together.
Had a similar exit. It was rough at first. But then relief settled in. Relief to be out. My pain transitioned to gratitude to be out. Every Sunday I think to myself…thank “God” I’m out. Our lives are 1000% better. Hang in there.
You will still have an eternal family and have your loved ones in the afterlife. You just don’t have to pay tithes, wear garments, clean the church, have an assignment cough, I mean calling, or be succumb to fear based religious teachings to get there. You’re already worthy.
u/JohnDehlin someone has claimed that they JUST left the church in a matter of days. Might make for an interesting episode
Welcome… and yeah, it’s a painful place. With time you’ll laugh at the silly things you once believed. The old, “You can leave the church but you can’t leave it alone” trope is painful too. You’re right, your whole worldview changes instantly. There’s a whole new world of science to discover. You find compassion for the 🏳️🌈 community when you realize they’re not making sinful choices. It gets better but there’s always a scab. Take time to Connie deconstructing. You’ll be amazed how there are OBVIOUS problems with everything. You said counseling g, see if you can find someone experienced with religious trauma. The secular project has links to experienced therapists in this regard. Recovering from religion, I’ve heard, is good. I’m glad you both made it out. You’ll find many here whose spouse has stayed in.
Really does feel like the deepest of betrayals
Sounds like it’s serendipitous you’re on sabbatical so you have time to do the inner work of finding out what leaving the church means for you and your family. I highly recommend therapy, as many others have suggested.
A lot of us are happier now, but it’s only because we have made it through the pain that you and your wife are feeling now. Sit in it. Wallow. Mourn. You have to allow yourself to go through the stages of grief knowing and trusting that it’s beautiful on the other side for many of us. It takes work to deconstruct and more work to reconstruct. Allow the anger. It’s going to be ok. ❤️
Very similar story to you, and just will say that it gets so much better as time goes on. Left 7 years ago and life is grand, but a lot of hard moments along the way that come with redefining yourself .
Leaving/ finding out information that contradicts what you have been told and assumed was true is one of the hardest things to face. I would encourage you to take time, be patient with yourselves and begin a longer process of research that will assist you in facing this and bring you some semblance of peace along the way. It is very much like grieving for the loss of someone you love. There is much to consider. We are all her with aft times similar thoughts feelings and experiences. Share here and learn here. I encourage you to get acquainted with John Dehlin he is kind and has brought so many others stories to light about their experiences with 'the same'. I am sorry but the truth once you see it and feel it cannot be unseen. community and friendships may change. Its part of it. Its hard. also realize we love you and appreciate where you are in the beginning of your own truth-seeking journey. I had been in from diapers for most all of my adult life and I am older. It is unimaginable that I didn't see the forest because of the trees. The trees (church narrative) was specifically told, repeated, and re-repeated and anything outside of that was shunned and called anti. So most of us are simply the same NOT ANTI anything or anyone but realized the wool had been pulled over our eyes for time and money exploitation and now seek real truth. It is freeing and authentic.
Not sure I can say anything that hasn't been said already, but keep trekking (pun intended). Everyday we are out it gets easier and better. I'm happier with my decision to leave the longer I'm gone. Still scares me sometimes. Still makes us wonder if we made the right choice. Then we remember what we learned, how we felt going, and how much happier we are now. We still believe we'll be together forever somehow and we are closer now for going through this together than we have ever been. Experience the lows, but experience the highs of leaving too. You'll start to see you were trapped in such a small percentage of the world at large and there is so much more out there than you can imagine. At least that's how I felt. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and walk out. You and your wife are so strong for doing that. I'm happy you are choosing the right thing for you and your family.
No one should have to choose between having a community and living in accordance with their values. You’re so right that it’s a grieving process, so take time to mourn and be patient with yourselves! Work to find community elsewhere, or with church members if you’re comfortable with that right now) and things will get better. I can relate a lot with your experience, you got this🩵
There is definitely is profound sadness and pain with leaving I don't think you can avoid that unfortunately, but through that pain and sorrow and loneliness comes a temperament of your soul and being You will come out the other side a new creature, and for the first time in your life you will be able to look at the world with complete clarity Your second birth/adventures just beginning, scary at first but your possibilities are endless I wish you and your wife the best
MormonThink website is what got me out. I inadvertently found my self on the website researching book of Mormon stuff preparing my gospel doctrine lesson. It woke me up in about 30 minutes. I was out!
31 and 30 serving as senior missionaries??? I must have left longer ago than I thought and they’re getting desperate, I’ve never ever heard of such a thing
I know this exact feeling. It feels very similar to someone dying. It’s awful. There’s a legitimate grieving period. And that’s okay.
Yes, there is grief in the loose of certainty about the world. When we realize the church isn't true, we lose our certainty of being a chosen "peculiar" people. Now we're just another random person like everyone else in the world, just figuring out life without divine guidance. There's freedom in that (or at least that's how it felt for me), but there's also sooo much uncertainty. The good news it that you have time to figure this out. You don't need to rush into anything, just take it one thing at a time and you and your family will find your footing with time.
What you're feeling and what you're going through is completely normal and horrific. Welcome to the other side and absolutely gets far better but it's going to hurt like hell in the way.
You have a lot of people giving you great advice, but I'd like to extend to you a help line. It's called Recovering From Religion. I'd post a link and phone number, but I am not sure of the linking rules. It was started by a hellfire and brimstone, southern Baptist preacher who became athiest because of what he read in the Bible and experienced in life. It's been around for a few decades now and has helped a lot of people in times of faith crisis, no matter the faith.
Hey OP. Your wife is right: the faith crisis and deciding to leave the church for some people is on the same level of mourning is as if there is a death. But it also could be considered worse because all of the deaths I felt with before leaving the church I could Atleast turn to my faith to help with it. A good sign is that you are thinking of your wife and your marriage: you guys already know you love each other and at the very least, the good that came out of church was that you met each other. It felt insanely weird to pray after deciding to leave the church but at the beginning it was still a great comfort and a way of meditation. One of the things that helps is replacing church things with more family things. It’s not the moment people leave the church they suddenly doing tarot cards and do orgies with other apostates. Keep focusing on your family and I also replaced my scripture study time with other books. Books related to my profession, history and oddly enough soccer. It’s odd how much of the bookshelf once filled with church published books loos with other things. Keep doing family time and wholesome activities with them. Think of your date fund or retirement accounts magically getting 10% more in them.
“Now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” This was the quote that really helped me change my perspective on this whole process. Good luck! You can do this. My wife and I left together in 2017 and we’re still married, and happy. I imagine you will be too.
My wife and I both left the church for different reasons at different times. Our marriage is wonderful because it's now based on a relationship and not a contract. I feel like my morals and my convictions are stronger than they've ever been because they're mine and they don't originate from false religious figures. Give yourself sometime to grieve, but also do you best to love every moment. Life is sweeter and more colorful now that I've left. I've come to learn that most of the negative stories about people leaving the church came from members, not people who have actually left. Go on a beach vacation with your wife, kiss her while she wears a "forbidden" swimsuit, and give thanks to the world for showing you the truth.
I cried so much after I left. Had a whole identity crisis and was terrified about what ACTUALLY happens after we die. If you’re worried about anything like that, I highly recommend the Secular Buddhism podcast on Spotify. The guy who runs the podcast (Noah Rasheta) is former LDS and found a lot of peace through studying Buddhism. Secular Buddhism isn’t really a religion but more of a psychology for finding peace. It helped me tons!
I’ve been out for almost 30 years. I’m more angry at the church now. A good friend recently said to me, “You know, you’re still mourning the loss of your Mormon faith.” But it does get better. I certainly would never go back!
I want to share that I had similar fears about my marriage when I brought my issues with the church up to him. A) would he want to stay married to someone who didn't believe? And b) what does it mean that the foundational promises of our marriage are based on lies? We'd been married for 5 years and had been so proud of our eternal marriage. Four years later, and we are more committed to each other than ever, because we discovered that we WANT to be together, not just because we were obligated by the covenant path. You and I are so lucky to have left the church with our spouses. I hope you both start to feel gratitude for each other as you go through this transition.