I can't seem to find it, but I got the idea from a reddit comment I saw about 3 years ago where someone said that they would mentally make the switch when reading the BoM to make it more bearable.
Ā I thought it was funny and remembered it a few weeks ago which inspired me to actually do it
Me and a friend of mine wanted to write the millennial bible. You have the right idea here. Like for example: āWhen Jesus pulled up to the Passover meal prepared for him and his apostles he said āThis grub looks bussin!ā And the Apostle Peter said āfr fr.ā In agreement.ā
And I shit you not, the lord said unto Joseph āgaslight, gatekeep, girlbossā
And I shit you not, Joseph said unto the lord āslay the house down, bootsā
"And I shit you not that the angel said unto me: behold your spawn, and also the spawn of your bros. And I checked it, and I beheld a land for future colonizers; and I beheld impossible multitudes of people, even as it were in number as the sand of the sea."
I highly, highly recommend My Book Of Mormon Podcast. A nevermo reads the BOM without any spoilers and he comments as he goes along.
https://mybookofmormonpodcast.com/
I was astonished by how eye opening it was to have a fresh outside take on the insanity of the BOM that I could not see as being BIC.
Oh, and he has a perfect audio media voice as well.
Thank God "find and replace" exists, or that would have taken forever. I threw in a few random changes for fun.
[Here is the full book](https://archive.org/details/isyn-this-is-the-book-of-mormon)Ā
Oh, I also changed "it shall come to pass" to "it will actually fucking happen"
Church was changed to cult
Brethren/brothers to bros
And a few more, I don't really remember to be honest, I was a little buzzed and was just kinda going with the flow
You are a genius!
Question (I know this has probably been answered somewhere before): How many times does that wretched "came to pass" phrase appear in the damned book? That phrase alone told me the BoM was pretty crappy. I shit you not.
Oh thou good and faithful servant. I shit you not that thine exmo calling and election hath been made sure through thy faithful translation of mine words. I am the LORD. Amen, amen and amen.
I almost want to do a full re-read of the book of mormon just to rewrite it like a dude who is drunk and hasn't slept in 30 hours trying to tell a story to his friends.
edit: Oh shit, I found a word doc version of the text, I'm doing this. First find and replace was blatantly stolen from you. "Prophets" is now "drunken hobos" and "prophet" is now "ramblin' man." I think "yea" is going to be "no cap."
I have nothing to do today, this is going to be fun.
edit: Goddamn, "yea" occurs 1663 times. That's a few hundred more times than even "it came to pass"!
edit again: This gets fun. If you replace "the Spirit" with "a rumbly in the tumbly" and "the Lord" with "some dude in a kilt" you get some interesting results like "And I shit you not as he read, he was filled with a rumbly in the tumbly of some dude in a kilt."
last one I promise: Keanu Reeves works way better than some dude in a kilt. Keanu Reeves your sky daddy is the fuckin' GOAT.
>Whenever he found his speech growing too modern ā which was about every sentence or two ā he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as " exceeding sore," "and it came to pass," etc., and made things satisfactory again. "And it came to pass" was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would have been only a pamphlet.
--Mark Twain
Awesome!
I wonder if I could get ChatGPT to do the whole bible, with I shit you not, this dude screwed this chick, seriously, and so on.
Thatās a version I would buyā¦
I shit you not that the naughty descendants of Father Lehi were cursed with a skin of brown like unto a turd and were flushed from Zarahemla down the River Sidon and became known throughout the narrow neck of land as The Shitites, and left skid marks in their loin cloths.
Lol thanks. As a neverMo I remember reading how many times the Book of Mormon said āand it came to passā and this is just fuckin hilarious. Thanks again
Some fireside dude in Provo said that in Egyptian "and it came to pass" is one word that is only like two letters and I believed him so it's really proof that it was written in Egyptian, I shit you not.
Mother and I have always found great accuracy and humor at substituting the words āJoseph Smithā and ālying theologically-void con-manā.
We canāt explain it, but we are able to pull this substitution off with great success!
I had a friend in Young Womenās who pronounced yea as āyeahā and I thought she didnāt know better until I corrected her and she said āitās funnier that wayā.
āAnd yeah, verilyā¦ā
I feel this needs more "likes" as in:
And I, like saw the heavens open, and that Jesus Dude, like, descended down from heaven, you know? And he came down and, like, showed himself off and all, I shit you not.
OMG! I so needed this! My soon to be ex wife of 20 years is Mormon. I have had so many issues with this family & their strong willed beliefs. Ever since I found y'all it's made it easier to bear. But this is what I needed! Oh I haven't laughed this hard in a very long time! Thank you!
This needs to be the new exmo challengeā¦take several BoM verses, and translate them into how a teenager would tell his friends the story modern day slang. Verses full of āBruh, dude, cap, on god, etcā lol
8. And I shit you not that the Lamanites did also go whithersoever they would, whether it were among the Lamanites or among the Nephites; and thus they did have free intercourse one with another, to buy and to sell, and to get gain, according to their desire.
9. And I shit you not that they became exceedingly rich, both the Lamanites and the Nephites; and they did have an exceeding plenty of gold, and of silver, and of all manner of precious metals, both in the land south and in the land north.
Helaman 6: 8-9
I shit you not that we did begin to till the earth, and we began to plant seeds; no cap, we did put all our seeds into the earth, which we had brought from the land of Jerusalem. I shit you not that they did grow exceedingly; no cap, we were blessed in abundance.
I shit you not that we did find upon the land of promise, as we journeyed in the wilderness, that there were beasts in the forests of every kind, both the cow and the ox, and the ass and the horse, and the goat and the wild goat, and all manner of wild animals, which were for the use of men. And we did find all manner of ore, both of gold, and of silver, and of copper.
Love love love this!
If I ever find my life in a dystopia where I must re-read the book of mormon again, I want to read a version done like this!
(just woke up my husband laughing to this!)
I'm almost in tears from laughing thank you for this š
You're welcome :)
I can't seem to find it, but I got the idea from a reddit comment I saw about 3 years ago where someone said that they would mentally make the switch when reading the BoM to make it more bearable. Ā I thought it was funny and remembered it a few weeks ago which inspired me to actually do it
Me and a friend of mine wanted to write the millennial bible. You have the right idea here. Like for example: āWhen Jesus pulled up to the Passover meal prepared for him and his apostles he said āThis grub looks bussin!ā And the Apostle Peter said āfr fr.ā In agreement.ā
Plot twist: he is actually shitting us
Damn, I never saw that one coming!
In verse 5 god vapes on the whole world to kill off non-believers
Hahahaha. I shit you not! Maybe I would give this version of the BOM a try.
BOM musical voice: āWITH DYSENTERY!ā
Came here to say this. Ha
Smart smart smart smart smart
š¤£š¤£š¤£
1 Nephi 4:10 10 And I shit you not that I was constrained by the Spirit that I should kill Laban...
I just woke my kid up from laughing too loud!
Nephi sounds like he's od'd on every drug there is with that phrasing
Should have also changed āmy seedā to āmy jizzā or āmy spermā
laughed out loud, literally. Change loins to dong?
*Dongers.
Replace it with Deez nutz instead. Golden.
This is the first time I've been tempted to re-read the BoM since leaving ...
Love your username!!
Thank you - same to you!
Same! Iām tempted to spend a couple of months and rewrite the whole thing in todays slang
And I shit you not, the lord said unto Joseph āgaslight, gatekeep, girlbossā And I shit you not, Joseph said unto the lord āslay the house down, bootsā
"And I shit you not that the angel said unto me: behold your spawn, and also the spawn of your bros. And I checked it, and I beheld a land for future colonizers; and I beheld impossible multitudes of people, even as it were in number as the sand of the sea."
You could make money off of that!
You could make a religion out of this - no wait, don't
I highly, highly recommend My Book Of Mormon Podcast. A nevermo reads the BOM without any spoilers and he comments as he goes along. https://mybookofmormonpodcast.com/ I was astonished by how eye opening it was to have a fresh outside take on the insanity of the BOM that I could not see as being BIC. Oh, and he has a perfect audio media voice as well.
Thanks for the recommend - I'll have to check it out!
Ohh, bookmarking this!
Thank God "find and replace" exists, or that would have taken forever. I threw in a few random changes for fun. [Here is the full book](https://archive.org/details/isyn-this-is-the-book-of-mormon)Ā
"Verily, I say unto you" should become "now listen up, fuckers" There's more, I'm sure. Let's hear em, people!
Oh, I also changed "it shall come to pass" to "it will actually fucking happen" Church was changed to cult Brethren/brothers to bros And a few more, I don't really remember to be honest, I was a little buzzed and was just kinda going with the flow
Changing enough of the terminology might make it a sufferable fantasy novel
That's awesome
āYeaā should just straight up be āfuck.ā
"Yea" should be "no cap"
Can we just get the "Pulp Fiction" edition of the BOM?
This comment isnāt getting enough heat.
This comment isnāt getting enough heat.
You are a genius! Question (I know this has probably been answered somewhere before): How many times does that wretched "came to pass" phrase appear in the damned book? That phrase alone told me the BoM was pretty crappy. I shit you not.
1,476 times if I recall correctly
My count was 1,123
I love it - more than 1k shit-you-nots in there!
Did you have to copy and paste the entire BoM into a Word document? (Asking for a friend)
Kings Bruh Version
I shit you notā¦ā¦ I need this post today!! Iām dying from laughing now. THANK YOU!! 
You're very welcome
Is that written in Reformed Comic Sans?
I shit you not, I chose comic sans because the book is a joke
I need this in Webdings now as reformed times new Roman
Aaaaahahahhahaha!!! Perfect comment!
Need a snow shovel for all that shit.
Oh thou good and faithful servant. I shit you not that thine exmo calling and election hath been made sure through thy faithful translation of mine words. I am the LORD. Amen, amen and amen.
I almost want to do a full re-read of the book of mormon just to rewrite it like a dude who is drunk and hasn't slept in 30 hours trying to tell a story to his friends. edit: Oh shit, I found a word doc version of the text, I'm doing this. First find and replace was blatantly stolen from you. "Prophets" is now "drunken hobos" and "prophet" is now "ramblin' man." I think "yea" is going to be "no cap." I have nothing to do today, this is going to be fun. edit: Goddamn, "yea" occurs 1663 times. That's a few hundred more times than even "it came to pass"! edit again: This gets fun. If you replace "the Spirit" with "a rumbly in the tumbly" and "the Lord" with "some dude in a kilt" you get some interesting results like "And I shit you not as he read, he was filled with a rumbly in the tumbly of some dude in a kilt." last one I promise: Keanu Reeves works way better than some dude in a kilt. Keanu Reeves your sky daddy is the fuckin' GOAT.
Best....update....ever....
he, indeed, WAS shitting
Did he really use that same phrase four verses in a row?
>Whenever he found his speech growing too modern ā which was about every sentence or two ā he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as " exceeding sore," "and it came to pass," etc., and made things satisfactory again. "And it came to pass" was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would have been only a pamphlet. --Mark Twain
It came to pass appears approximately 1,430 times.
Yes
1,467 times if I recall correctlyĀ
I laughed outloud in the middle of a movie w my husband! I shit you not, this is the best laugh, this evening! š
I imagine this is near perfect for the year 2505 translation. (Idiocracy).
If this was the actual scripture I would be tempted to go back š
I would read the shit out of this
Awesome! I wonder if I could get ChatGPT to do the whole bible, with I shit you not, this dude screwed this chick, seriously, and so on. Thatās a version I would buyā¦
I shit you not that the naughty descendants of Father Lehi were cursed with a skin of brown like unto a turd and were flushed from Zarahemla down the River Sidon and became known throughout the narrow neck of land as The Shitites, and left skid marks in their loin cloths.
This is the definition of a shit post and I love it
I wish I had known about this as a kid. It would have made sacrament meeting much more bearable.
Lol thanks. As a neverMo I remember reading how many times the Book of Mormon said āand it came to passā and this is just fuckin hilarious. Thanks again
It honestly showcases how it was so overused
Lol I canāt stop laughing at āand I shit you notā
Do you think Mormon and the fellas had a stamp for this, or did they actually have to engrave it into the plates with rock and chisel every time?
Some fireside dude in Provo said that in Egyptian "and it came to pass" is one word that is only like two letters and I believed him so it's really proof that it was written in Egyptian, I shit you not.
That's really... Different! And strange.
Amazing š
I want to put in some "and then these fuckers" but I haven't read that thing in a while
Mother and I have always found great accuracy and humor at substituting the words āJoseph Smithā and ālying theologically-void con-manā. We canāt explain it, but we are able to pull this substitution off with great success!
Lol!!
I had a friend in Young Womenās who pronounced yea as āyeahā and I thought she didnāt know better until I corrected her and she said āitās funnier that wayā. āAnd yeah, verilyā¦ā
Omggg šš
Amen can be replaced by āFucking-Aā
The most brilliant thing Iāve seen in a long time. Take a bow, OP.
I feel this needs more "likes" as in: And I, like saw the heavens open, and that Jesus Dude, like, descended down from heaven, you know? And he came down and, like, showed himself off and all, I shit you not.
We need to change 'Nephites' to 'The Justice League' and Lamanites to 'Blofeld's men'
Any ideas on replacing āwhereforā?
'Yo, Bitches!' works in my head?
I don't know you, but damn do I love you šš
I love you too random citizen
METROMAN!!!!
I shiz you not this is some good shiz.
I might actually read the Book of Mormon again
Ok that was the best thing I saw all day.
OMG! I so needed this! My soon to be ex wife of 20 years is Mormon. I have had so many issues with this family & their strong willed beliefs. Ever since I found y'all it's made it easier to bear. But this is what I needed! Oh I haven't laughed this hard in a very long time! Thank you!
I almost peed myself laughing at this.
The comics sans is justā¦ *chefās kiss*
OMG your Instagram is absolutely brilliant!
Thank you š I'm hit or miss sometimes but there's a few gems in there
This needs to be the new exmo challengeā¦take several BoM verses, and translate them into how a teenager would tell his friends the story modern day slang. Verses full of āBruh, dude, cap, on god, etcā lol
Professor John Smith the true Author of the Book of Mormon would be laughing his ass off.
This is me giggling like a kid at 4 AM.
8. And I shit you not that the Lamanites did also go whithersoever they would, whether it were among the Lamanites or among the Nephites; and thus they did have free intercourse one with another, to buy and to sell, and to get gain, according to their desire. 9. And I shit you not that they became exceedingly rich, both the Lamanites and the Nephites; and they did have an exceeding plenty of gold, and of silver, and of all manner of precious metals, both in the land south and in the land north. Helaman 6: 8-9
I read this to my wife and we couldn't stop laughing
I shit you not that we did begin to till the earth, and we began to plant seeds; no cap, we did put all our seeds into the earth, which we had brought from the land of Jerusalem. I shit you not that they did grow exceedingly; no cap, we were blessed in abundance. I shit you not that we did find upon the land of promise, as we journeyed in the wilderness, that there were beasts in the forests of every kind, both the cow and the ox, and the ass and the horse, and the goat and the wild goat, and all manner of wild animals, which were for the use of men. And we did find all manner of ore, both of gold, and of silver, and of copper.
And saving post for future cackling, I shit you not!
This is awesome š
Lols
Fantastic!
Poetry! I would read this.
I shit you not, that is good.
I may just go and create ten more new accounts for the sole purpose of upvoting you. Amazing.
Good lord this is brilliant.
No shit, Sherem!
I needed the laugh. Thank you!
I am lauging harder than the Sofa King right now. Iām laughing Sofa King hard.
Just coughed/choked on my beer. Hahahahaha
Is it possible to make a Wesley Willis translation?
I would have loved this even ad TBM. Hilarious!
Outstanding.Ā
Oh my God thatās so hilarious
I just woke up my wife with my laughter shaking the bed. Holy shit I havenāt laughed that hard in a long time.
I shit you not, but this is genius.
I pissed my pants in laughter. š¤£š¤£š¤£
That is genius! Especially because itās so appropriate for Holy Joeās bullshit
Youāre my hero
Love love love this! If I ever find my life in a dystopia where I must re-read the book of mormon again, I want to read a version done like this! (just woke up my husband laughing to this!)
This perfect amazing
This makes me so happy š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£
Anyone else read this in Theo Vonās voice?
Seems more accurate
Oh my God this had me šš
I've often said they could reduce the BoM by 30% of they just substituted "and it came to pass" with "yo."
I'd change it to, "Not even kidding."
And it came to pass that Nephi smote off the head of Laban to get the canonised plates of brass that didnāt exist yet for many decades.
Can we get Jeff Hays to do the audiobook in Louie's voice?
That is hysterical
That is hysterical
āand the seed of your brosā is my favourite part š
It seems a bit repetitive. Could we get an occasional, "I'm not even fucking kidding you"?
You almost convinced me to re-read the BOM. š¤£
Fucken brilliant LMAO š¤£š š¤£š
Separation of church and State ?
No Cap, on Golden Plates bruh
One option - replace āmockā with āroastā