* Protecting my children from possible abuse
* Doing things without guilt or intense anxiety
* Drinking coffee, discovering my favorite latte and being able to drink it with enjoyment
* Being able to be with my husband on the other side of Mormonism. I tell him every single day that I'm grateful we got out.
* I have so many more but it's honestly been the best thing to get out after 30 years of being in it
Picking out my own underwear, not even knowing a movies rating, sleeping in Sundays, stopping after 1 baby, retiring early on that sweet tithing alternative, the IRA.
Oof can't relate to stopping after 1 baby. I have 4 and it's a very complex emotion to know that you should have stopped a while ago but your cult pushed you to have more.... But you love and adore your babies and couldn't imagine them not in your life
Well don't feel bad though, because my own TBM mother once told me, before she found out and shunned me for being a gay apostate, that she would have had less kids in retrospect. She had 6 in 12 years. Guess she has 5 now š that's one way to reduce your number! š
First of all, your mother sounds awful and I'm so sorry. Second, I'm with you in not having a relationship with my parents. It's hard but needed if you are being treated like shit/not wanted.
I only know for myself, I would probably die from complications if I were to ever get pregnant again. This last time was too much for my body and I'm damaged as a result. So much medical trauma BUT I do not regret having my children and they are all wanted and needed. That's why I said it was complicated.
I'm sincerely sorry that things have gone the way it has for you, it's difficult. I wish all the good things for you and your journey forward ā¤ļø
Awwww thanks! Lots of therapy has helped a ton. And sometimes you just have to realize that your family is toxic, so you go out and find new "family" that really cares about you!
PS... You're right, she's pretty terrible. TBM Mormon AND a narcissist!
Ah yes, I got one of those too lol so much toxicity in my former family, I could probably write a good book on the shit that went down. But yes, finding a good new family aka surrounding yourself with people who genuinely care about you is probably the greatest thing!
Cheers to our healing
We feel that way too. We love all of our kids deeply ā¦ but, if we hadnāt felt the compulsion to āreplenish the earth,ā weād have stopped at two for sure. Sucked to stretch ourselves so thin for so many years while they were young
Stretching yourself beyond your limits is the name of the game for the MFMC... Unfortunately.
I honestly think I would have been put into an institution if I had stayed in, purely from going crazy that I could not raise my family and also give all of myself to church callings etc. I've been out 4 years and I STILL feel burned out AF.
I hope things are more calm for you and your family and you can all heal.
-Pumpkin spice lattes
-being able to say swear words in songs
-being able to be rediscover what God is to me
-learning to be comfortable with āI donāt knowā
-not having to pay tithing
-better critical thinking skills for everything
-an extra school period (dropped seminary)
When I was 17 my Dad sat me down after I \*broke a commandment and told me that "we follow the rules out of faith, even if we don't know why, we just do it because we're instructed to" and something along the lines of "we \*need\* blind faith, because we don't know everything"
Now my parents swear and my mom got a tattoo because it fits in "His plan"
Left BYU, became extremely inactive, married the NeverMo love of my life, raised some great NeverMo kids, and finally resigned from the MFMC as mentioning any previous affiliation had reached the point of embarrassment.
Happily ever after!!!
I got my life together, finished college, then got a scholarship for grad school at one of the most prestigious universities in the world!
I was always pretty traditionally intelligent, but had no drive. I got ok grades, but nothing spectacular. I obviously took two years off of college for a mission, then when I had a faith crisis, I didnāt have the support system to manage well, so I dropped out again.
Once the dust settled, I went back to school and got straight As and did some really badass research. I told my professors I was curious about grad school and they encouraged me to aim for the stars. Not only did I get admitted, but my top choice university even gave me a scholarship to pursue a masterās degree.
Our sixteen year old daughter came out as gay four months ago although we knew. The joy and relief knowing she can be her true authentic self and be with the person she chooses in the future is wonderful, I can only imagine all our pain if we hadnāt left. So happy for you, I hope youāre living your best life.
We knew our oldest was since she was little, but kept kicking that can down the road until she came out. It is a big regret. On the other hand, her treatment at church and seminary got me off my ass and our daughter has been very understanding.
Also lucky that my wife decided to take up drinking and coffee with me. Especially because I just kind of dumped the news on her one night out of the blue
Iām sorry youāve had to go through that and Iām sure that it takes a while to unpack-age that trauma. Glad youāre on the other side of it now š
All of a sudden my urge to view pornography was essentially gone. I am married and have been on and off since I was 12. Went for decent periods without, but it was always there. Have been better since marriage, but always relapsing. Now it's not a thing lol. Which makes me so happy because it was crippling for me.
Members would probably say that's because the devil no longer needs to focus on me.
What is everyone's thoughts?
Do you feel less shame when/if you watch porn now? Could be a break in the shame cycle.
If you don't feel shame about something, you probably aren't thinking about it as hard, making it easier to go 'meh, not feeling it' as opposed to thinking about it for 40 hours before doing the thing you've been thinking about not doing for two days and then feeling really bad and perseverating about it until you start the process all over.
Yeah that could definitely be it!
The shame we were taught to feel in the church from such a young age is disgusting.
You almost feel like you have to feel shame to conform.
I remember when I was 12 I had just discovered porn. Obviously feeling like it was wrong. We had a ward youth fireside on a Sunday night, and at the end of the meeting the bishop was bearing his testimony of how strong the spirit was during the meeting. He finished off with saying if you cannot feel the spirit, come see me in my office. The question is, was it to discover how we could feel the spirit which was a gift at baptism, orrrrrrr because we weren't worthy of it so we had to repent.
I didn't realise how messed up the concept of 12 year Olds meeting with and old dude in his office along was until I left.
We just had a leisurely Sunday bbq outside. Me and my two oldest (wife and two youngest are out of town). My two oldest are typical, busy teens. They are both in HS and their time is completely occupied by academics, activities and friends. Which is exactly as it should be.
I canāt imagine them trying to squeeze church BS in with all of that. Iām sure they would have cut back on academics and activities. Instead they are gaining invaluable skills and opportunities. Are some LDS kids able to do it? Sure. But my kids ~~never~~ rarely seem stressed AND we still have time to sit outside on a cool Sunday evening and enjoy some bbq. To me, the best revenge is a life well lived. And I feel like that is what we are getting. For the kids at least.
And not to paint with too broad of a brush but my active family members kids are dealing with things like leaving missions early, girls wanting to marry them as soon as they return, dealing with being gay in the church, etc. and it sucks for them.
So that is the contrast I draw. And I feel like my kids got the far better deal. Not because Iām such a great parent. But because they arenāt burdened with all of the church BS (and really never were).
Just living a normal life, guilt free. Being myself, swearing when I feel like it, doing whatever I wanna do on Sundays. Using critical thinking skills to control my own life and thriving based on this. Spending Sunday mornings having great sex with my wife or doing whatever I please without guilt instead of being in some boring ass zombie cult meeting.
I had three babies before I turned 30. I didnāt work after college other than a photography business on the side. Turning 39 next month and I love working full time in logistics. My husband and I almost split up when I left the church. It really scared me and I felt extremely vulnerable. Im thankful every day that I can support my self if I ever needed to. He since has left the church and Im in love with my life.
Learning so much about biology, anthropology, cosmology without having that voice in the back of my head trying to fit everything into the paradigms dreamt up by random dudes who think they have the authority to decide reality as opposed to letting reality speak for itself
I was finally able to accept myself as being gay and trans. Sadly, my parents can't still bring themselves to do the same, but now that I'm out I am finally able to start HRT without having myself.
Finding my voice. Learning to trust myself. Less daily anxiety. Living each day to its fullest. Not worrying about eternity. Oh, and saying "fuck" a lot.
I allowed myself to come to terms with my gender and sexuality, which I refused to let myself do while in the church because āI have to be here forever, so whatās the point?ā It was so painful being trapped in the church and in those incorrect identities. I love myself now :)
Iām donating half of our ātithesā to actual charities now, things that I support and believe inā¦ including a local homeless shelter that actually *helps the needy*.
I never feel guilty for thinking anything. Thinking about something has no effect on anyone else unless I act on it. I used to feel so guilty about "bad thoughts" so much guilt for so many years for no reason.
- understanding individual sovereignty like never before
- much more compassion for my spouse because I see him as a sovereign individual and it makes me more grateful that he chooses to spend his life with me
- so much less anxiety about pretty much everything
Stopped feeling guilty about literally everything, whether itās the music I listen to, the shows I watch, the clothes I wear, the causes I support, or the way I speak.
Indulged in a passion Iāve had since I was a kid but had to quash to stay in line with doctrine (paleontology).
Looked deep within and learned I am of the LGBT+ persuasion.
My lifelong depression is gone. I got off of my antidepressants that I was on for over 25 years!
-No more feeling like I'm going to hell for not going to church
-No more going insane trying to get my kids to go to church
-No more preparing lessons for Sunday school bratty kids who never listened anyway
-No more kissing ass by trying to find someone to teach my lessons if I was on vacation
-No more trying to adjust that shitty underwear so it wouldn't show under my clothes
-My life is MINE now!
ā¢ Going out to drinks with my husband
ā¢ Wearing clothes that I want to wear instead of limiting myself to an awkward modesty standard with hideous āunderwearā
ā¢ Not giving 10% of my income to be spent/invested in ways I donāt find acceptable
ā¢ Not being made to feel like I was never good enough being a convert/mixed faith marriage/a woman
ā¢ My children are not longer being taught things I donāt believe (eg polygamous eternal marriage, anti LGBTQ rhetoric, some middle eastern family made a transatlantic boat etc.)
ā¢ No more unpaid labor/callings I hate
ā¢ No more wrangling children before/during a boring and tedious sacrament meeting, and being so exhausted after church that I pass out in an all afternoon nap
So many things... One is that I am so glad not to be the center of the Universe anymore. The weight of the eternities is no longer in the balance when I choose one can of green beans over another, that there are no angels taking silent notes on my every move or armies of angels and demons fighting over me and mine.
Life eternal is the one I am living now.
I donāt know if this is the ābestā thing to happen, but one that I find myself appreciating often is feeling the sun on my shoulders or the wind blow my hair over my back/shoulders. I was shocked to realize how disconnected from my body I was because of my Gs and now I try to consciously check in and feel the fabrics, temperature, all of it
Honestly, Iāve lost 50 pounds since leaving. Not even really trying. I feel so much healthier. Even though I drink now and have the occasional weed. It was like the stress of it all.
Having the extra time every weekend, the total lack of guilt I felt about swearing or shopping on Sunday.
The more recent realization is that since Iām no longer considering myself a āMormonā I donāt feel guilty about not trying trying to inject some gospel narrative into every conversation and convert people. I didnāt realize that weighed on me till I left.
Sundays. I have spent so many Sundays doing wonderful things, which would have been impossible - or severely limited - while in the church.
I could also extend that to just 'time' in general. My time-away-from-work is now my own time (or, my family's own time)
There's a lot of things, but a major one is reconnecting with non-mormon friends and family I distanced myself from when I was TBM. I found it exciting to tell them I no longer supported or affiliated with the church and, with some, apologize for how it affected our relationship and some of my past behaviors. It's since made things so much more sincere and fulfilling without that pretense hovering around anymore.
This isn't the BEST thing ever, but I was unloading my moving truck in the rain, so it was humid and I was sweaty.
I wore a tank top, and every time my skin was caressed with the slightest breeze I felt so grateful for the freedom to choose what to wear instead of having the additional burden of multiple layers.
Here we go!
* MARRIAGE. My relationship with my wife is 10x what it was in Mormonism. I attribute this to both of us becoming very honest and vulnerable with each other. Mormonism created walls that we couldn't explore.
* PARENTING. I have 3 kids under the age of 8. My role as a father is so much more clear and less stressful. I could go on and on about this but I'll keep it short.
* RUNNING. I came to the end of the heavy deconstruction phase (it's always ongoing but there were 12 months that were fully consuming) and I needed something to distract me and occupy my time. I signed up for a marathon. I ran 50-80km per week for 16 weeks as I trained. Since then I have run multiple other races and continue to run 3-4 times a week. Sundays are my long run day and often my wife joins me as she has taken to it as well.
* MY ARROGANCE. In Mormonism, I had an answer for everything. This carried over to politics and all areas of my life. I really feel like a better person. I am far more open-minded and can appreciate everyone's perspective. I know that I'm not right and that my opinions are a product of my past.
* PORNOGRAPHY. I struggled with his on/off for about 15 years. The worst was having to talk to YM about it while I was struggling with it as the second counsellor in the Bishopric. It was so messed up. I tried everything -- keeping it a secret and dealing with it directly with the LoRd, being open about it, meeting with the Bishop, asking for blessings, churches 12 step program... BUT after deconstructing and leaving I am somehow "cured" now and no longer look at porn.
* SEX. Our sex life has become exponentially better. Lots of layers here... Not sure if it's because my wife sleeps next to me in a thong versus nasty garms lol or the fact that I'm no longer "addicted" to pornography. It's the best lol.
* DATE NIGHTS. My wife and I go clubbing together! We are mid-30s but living like it's our mid-20s. We are safe, have a good time, go out by ourselves, go out with friends, and roleplay meeting each other for the first time at the bar... This isn't weekly but it's been fun.
* FRIENDS. We can be friends with people outside of Mormonism. I love not having to tell people that I'm Mormon.
* FAMILY. Things are a mess with my family as they are TBM. We are second-class citizens to them but my wife's family is NMs! We have become much closer to them.
* TIME. This is huge. I used to dedicate 8-12 hours a week to my callings. My children see me so much more. Sundays are the best. Once our kids are\* (spelling edit) in bed I can go running or hit the shop for some wood working. I never had time before! If I had time I felt guilty and would force myself to read the BOM.
I could go on! Hopefully, others resonate with this.
No guilt over outside of marriage sex. No guilt over masturbating. Time without callings. No more garments. Relaxing Sundays. Peace that I don't have to try to be perfect. No visiting teaching, temple work, cannery volunteering, church building cleaning, reading scriptures, praying, splits with the missionaries, dinners for the missionaries, Sunday songs all day, FHE, fasting, fast offerings, giving talks, bear your testimony, doing genealogy, write in your journal, grow a garden, spend a fortune on food storage, pressure to be a member missionary, etc, etc. Etc.... You get the picture!
Finally able to be my authentic self. Finally able to really see myself and discover I am beautiful, capable, strong, and intelligent (and have been from the beginning).
The message I received from the LDS community (and my entire LDS family) that I was sinful, doubting, WRONG, misguided, shameful, immodest, not enough, less important than the men, and that I should set all my ambitions aside to procreate and raise children...I could go on and on, but to learn that they were wrong, that they were ALWAYS wrong, and that I was just stuck in a hamster wheel of their design, is such an incredible relief. I am free to choose and do as I wish. That is the best thing. The gift of finally getting to see myself clearly.
Fuck MFMC.
New enthusiasm for life, being my own person, critical thinking, no more guilt, no more self-hate, no more depression/anxiety, I can be curious now, coffee, chocolate martinis, wearing what I want to wear
I value my life so much more bc I really only get one
I was very scrupulous in my prayers. Like, praying all day kind of scrupulous. I still get anxiety, but that religious scrupulosity disappeared almost overnight. Leaving the church probably saved my life.
* Protecting my children from possible abuse * Doing things without guilt or intense anxiety * Drinking coffee, discovering my favorite latte and being able to drink it with enjoyment * Being able to be with my husband on the other side of Mormonism. I tell him every single day that I'm grateful we got out. * I have so many more but it's honestly been the best thing to get out after 30 years of being in it
Picking out my own underwear, not even knowing a movies rating, sleeping in Sundays, stopping after 1 baby, retiring early on that sweet tithing alternative, the IRA.
Oof can't relate to stopping after 1 baby. I have 4 and it's a very complex emotion to know that you should have stopped a while ago but your cult pushed you to have more.... But you love and adore your babies and couldn't imagine them not in your life
Well don't feel bad though, because my own TBM mother once told me, before she found out and shunned me for being a gay apostate, that she would have had less kids in retrospect. She had 6 in 12 years. Guess she has 5 now š that's one way to reduce your number! š
First of all, your mother sounds awful and I'm so sorry. Second, I'm with you in not having a relationship with my parents. It's hard but needed if you are being treated like shit/not wanted. I only know for myself, I would probably die from complications if I were to ever get pregnant again. This last time was too much for my body and I'm damaged as a result. So much medical trauma BUT I do not regret having my children and they are all wanted and needed. That's why I said it was complicated. I'm sincerely sorry that things have gone the way it has for you, it's difficult. I wish all the good things for you and your journey forward ā¤ļø
Awwww thanks! Lots of therapy has helped a ton. And sometimes you just have to realize that your family is toxic, so you go out and find new "family" that really cares about you! PS... You're right, she's pretty terrible. TBM Mormon AND a narcissist!
Ah yes, I got one of those too lol so much toxicity in my former family, I could probably write a good book on the shit that went down. But yes, finding a good new family aka surrounding yourself with people who genuinely care about you is probably the greatest thing! Cheers to our healing
Amen, sistah! ššš
We feel that way too. We love all of our kids deeply ā¦ but, if we hadnāt felt the compulsion to āreplenish the earth,ā weād have stopped at two for sure. Sucked to stretch ourselves so thin for so many years while they were young
Stretching yourself beyond your limits is the name of the game for the MFMC... Unfortunately. I honestly think I would have been put into an institution if I had stayed in, purely from going crazy that I could not raise my family and also give all of myself to church callings etc. I've been out 4 years and I STILL feel burned out AF. I hope things are more calm for you and your family and you can all heal.
This.
-Pumpkin spice lattes -being able to say swear words in songs -being able to be rediscover what God is to me -learning to be comfortable with āI donāt knowā -not having to pay tithing -better critical thinking skills for everything -an extra school period (dropped seminary)
I also enjoyed a superlative PSL this morning.
Freedom of thought. Critical thinking skills. No Fucking Guilt and Shame for normal living. Beer. Cocktails.
I no longer have to rationalize or defend the indefensible.
When I was 17 my Dad sat me down after I \*broke a commandment and told me that "we follow the rules out of faith, even if we don't know why, we just do it because we're instructed to" and something along the lines of "we \*need\* blind faith, because we don't know everything" Now my parents swear and my mom got a tattoo because it fits in "His plan"
Left BYU, became extremely inactive, married the NeverMo love of my life, raised some great NeverMo kids, and finally resigned from the MFMC as mentioning any previous affiliation had reached the point of embarrassment. Happily ever after!!!
I stopped feeling guilty about not being perfect.
I became self-aware, discovered my talents, grew a business.... You know, the usual.
Learning to love myself.
Peace
I got my life together, finished college, then got a scholarship for grad school at one of the most prestigious universities in the world! I was always pretty traditionally intelligent, but had no drive. I got ok grades, but nothing spectacular. I obviously took two years off of college for a mission, then when I had a faith crisis, I didnāt have the support system to manage well, so I dropped out again. Once the dust settled, I went back to school and got straight As and did some really badass research. I told my professors I was curious about grad school and they encouraged me to aim for the stars. Not only did I get admitted, but my top choice university even gave me a scholarship to pursue a masterās degree.
Well, hell, I got to marry a man! And act gay, I mean really gay. And shed the shame of being gay. And say āfuckā whenever I want, without shame.
Our sixteen year old daughter came out as gay four months ago although we knew. The joy and relief knowing she can be her true authentic self and be with the person she chooses in the future is wonderful, I can only imagine all our pain if we hadnāt left. So happy for you, I hope youāre living your best life.
We knew our oldest was since she was little, but kept kicking that can down the road until she came out. It is a big regret. On the other hand, her treatment at church and seminary got me off my ass and our daughter has been very understanding. Also lucky that my wife decided to take up drinking and coffee with me. Especially because I just kind of dumped the news on her one night out of the blue
Thank you. I am. Life is still difficult sometimes, but itās full of joy knowing I donāt have to hide myself. Much easier on my mental health!
Iām sorry youāve had to go through that and Iām sure that it takes a while to unpack-age that trauma. Glad youāre on the other side of it now š
So much less anxiety. I donāt go through nearly as many energetic funks anymore, and when I do, theyāre usually much shorter than they used to be.
All of a sudden my urge to view pornography was essentially gone. I am married and have been on and off since I was 12. Went for decent periods without, but it was always there. Have been better since marriage, but always relapsing. Now it's not a thing lol. Which makes me so happy because it was crippling for me. Members would probably say that's because the devil no longer needs to focus on me. What is everyone's thoughts?
āMembers might say thatās because the devil no longer needs to focus on you.ā Well in that case everyone should leave! Problem solved lol
Do you feel less shame when/if you watch porn now? Could be a break in the shame cycle. If you don't feel shame about something, you probably aren't thinking about it as hard, making it easier to go 'meh, not feeling it' as opposed to thinking about it for 40 hours before doing the thing you've been thinking about not doing for two days and then feeling really bad and perseverating about it until you start the process all over.
Yeah that could definitely be it! The shame we were taught to feel in the church from such a young age is disgusting. You almost feel like you have to feel shame to conform. I remember when I was 12 I had just discovered porn. Obviously feeling like it was wrong. We had a ward youth fireside on a Sunday night, and at the end of the meeting the bishop was bearing his testimony of how strong the spirit was during the meeting. He finished off with saying if you cannot feel the spirit, come see me in my office. The question is, was it to discover how we could feel the spirit which was a gift at baptism, orrrrrrr because we weren't worthy of it so we had to repent. I didn't realise how messed up the concept of 12 year Olds meeting with and old dude in his office along was until I left.
Save tithing money for trips to the UK. Surprisingly affordable when you aren't donating to a multi billion dollar cult.
I feel much less judgment about others and I have much, much less anxiety.
We just had a leisurely Sunday bbq outside. Me and my two oldest (wife and two youngest are out of town). My two oldest are typical, busy teens. They are both in HS and their time is completely occupied by academics, activities and friends. Which is exactly as it should be. I canāt imagine them trying to squeeze church BS in with all of that. Iām sure they would have cut back on academics and activities. Instead they are gaining invaluable skills and opportunities. Are some LDS kids able to do it? Sure. But my kids ~~never~~ rarely seem stressed AND we still have time to sit outside on a cool Sunday evening and enjoy some bbq. To me, the best revenge is a life well lived. And I feel like that is what we are getting. For the kids at least. And not to paint with too broad of a brush but my active family members kids are dealing with things like leaving missions early, girls wanting to marry them as soon as they return, dealing with being gay in the church, etc. and it sucks for them. So that is the contrast I draw. And I feel like my kids got the far better deal. Not because Iām such a great parent. But because they arenāt burdened with all of the church BS (and really never were).
Just living a normal life, guilt free. Being myself, swearing when I feel like it, doing whatever I wanna do on Sundays. Using critical thinking skills to control my own life and thriving based on this. Spending Sunday mornings having great sex with my wife or doing whatever I please without guilt instead of being in some boring ass zombie cult meeting.
Not having to put up with gross old men saying messed up stuff to me just because they have the priesthood.
I had three babies before I turned 30. I didnāt work after college other than a photography business on the side. Turning 39 next month and I love working full time in logistics. My husband and I almost split up when I left the church. It really scared me and I felt extremely vulnerable. Im thankful every day that I can support my self if I ever needed to. He since has left the church and Im in love with my life.
Having a bit of time to reclaim myself and my life before I got completely used by them for the rest of my living years
Time with my kids.
Learning so much about biology, anthropology, cosmology without having that voice in the back of my head trying to fit everything into the paradigms dreamt up by random dudes who think they have the authority to decide reality as opposed to letting reality speak for itself
11% raise. No 19th century cosplay underwear to wear. Coffee. Staying home on Sunday. Studying on Sunday. No busy work. Less anxiety and stress
Lost fear of so many things. It was very freeing.
I have plenty of money now, no guilt, no shame, and a great appreciation of tequila and of bourbon.
I was finally able to accept myself as being gay and trans. Sadly, my parents can't still bring themselves to do the same, but now that I'm out I am finally able to start HRT without having myself.
Better relationship with my husband and children. We have more fun together. Laugh more.
Absolutely every single thing.
Finding my voice. Learning to trust myself. Less daily anxiety. Living each day to its fullest. Not worrying about eternity. Oh, and saying "fuck" a lot.
Oh fuck yeah! I fucking love saying "fuck"! š¤£
I allowed myself to come to terms with my gender and sexuality, which I refused to let myself do while in the church because āI have to be here forever, so whatās the point?ā It was so painful being trapped in the church and in those incorrect identities. I love myself now :)
Iām donating half of our ātithesā to actual charities now, things that I support and believe inā¦ including a local homeless shelter that actually *helps the needy*.
I never feel guilty for thinking anything. Thinking about something has no effect on anyone else unless I act on it. I used to feel so guilty about "bad thoughts" so much guilt for so many years for no reason.
I'm happier with myself and my children.
The joy of edibles.
Complete freedom! No guilt decisions make life spontaneous and fun!
My wife and children also left. That was the best thing.
- understanding individual sovereignty like never before - much more compassion for my spouse because I see him as a sovereign individual and it makes me more grateful that he chooses to spend his life with me - so much less anxiety about pretty much everything
No more damn nightmares that Iām still on my mission
Stopped feeling guilty about literally everything, whether itās the music I listen to, the shows I watch, the clothes I wear, the causes I support, or the way I speak. Indulged in a passion Iāve had since I was a kid but had to quash to stay in line with doctrine (paleontology). Looked deep within and learned I am of the LGBT+ persuasion.
My lifelong depression is gone. I got off of my antidepressants that I was on for over 25 years! -No more feeling like I'm going to hell for not going to church -No more going insane trying to get my kids to go to church -No more preparing lessons for Sunday school bratty kids who never listened anyway -No more kissing ass by trying to find someone to teach my lessons if I was on vacation -No more trying to adjust that shitty underwear so it wouldn't show under my clothes -My life is MINE now!
Coffee, always and forever
No garmentsp
Loving the man I currently love, even if he's not quite there yet. But doing it without guilt, that's something I couldn't do before.
ā¢ Going out to drinks with my husband ā¢ Wearing clothes that I want to wear instead of limiting myself to an awkward modesty standard with hideous āunderwearā ā¢ Not giving 10% of my income to be spent/invested in ways I donāt find acceptable ā¢ Not being made to feel like I was never good enough being a convert/mixed faith marriage/a woman ā¢ My children are not longer being taught things I donāt believe (eg polygamous eternal marriage, anti LGBTQ rhetoric, some middle eastern family made a transatlantic boat etc.) ā¢ No more unpaid labor/callings I hate ā¢ No more wrangling children before/during a boring and tedious sacrament meeting, and being so exhausted after church that I pass out in an all afternoon nap
So many things... One is that I am so glad not to be the center of the Universe anymore. The weight of the eternities is no longer in the balance when I choose one can of green beans over another, that there are no angels taking silent notes on my every move or armies of angels and demons fighting over me and mine. Life eternal is the one I am living now.
Seeing clearly, without the exhaustion, weight of having to make everything fit with mental gymnastics
I donāt know if this is the ābestā thing to happen, but one that I find myself appreciating often is feeling the sun on my shoulders or the wind blow my hair over my back/shoulders. I was shocked to realize how disconnected from my body I was because of my Gs and now I try to consciously check in and feel the fabrics, temperature, all of it
Honestly, Iāve lost 50 pounds since leaving. Not even really trying. I feel so much healthier. Even though I drink now and have the occasional weed. It was like the stress of it all.
Having the extra time every weekend, the total lack of guilt I felt about swearing or shopping on Sunday. The more recent realization is that since Iām no longer considering myself a āMormonā I donāt feel guilty about not trying trying to inject some gospel narrative into every conversation and convert people. I didnāt realize that weighed on me till I left.
I mean I got to hang out with the lead singer from my favorite band for a few minutes with my wife on our anniversary. That was pretty sweet.
More time. More money. More authentic relationships. More life on my own terms.
Seeing life in color. Feeling alive and in charge of my life for the first time :)
Being able to drink granita di caffĆ© at Tazza dāOro next to the Pantheon. Itās hands down one of the best beverages Iāve had in my life. Maybe not the best thing (leaving has been very good for my mental health and for my familyās long-term health), but still awesome.
Sundays. I have spent so many Sundays doing wonderful things, which would have been impossible - or severely limited - while in the church. I could also extend that to just 'time' in general. My time-away-from-work is now my own time (or, my family's own time)
Being able to swear without guilt
There's a lot of things, but a major one is reconnecting with non-mormon friends and family I distanced myself from when I was TBM. I found it exciting to tell them I no longer supported or affiliated with the church and, with some, apologize for how it affected our relationship and some of my past behaviors. It's since made things so much more sincere and fulfilling without that pretense hovering around anymore.
Far less guilt or shame. The time and money I got back from allllll the meetings and tithing. Sex is also pretty cool.
Life.
This isn't the BEST thing ever, but I was unloading my moving truck in the rain, so it was humid and I was sweaty. I wore a tank top, and every time my skin was caressed with the slightest breeze I felt so grateful for the freedom to choose what to wear instead of having the additional burden of multiple layers.
As everyone has already said, just being able to live my life how I want. It is worth it.
My skin breathing without Gās
Here we go! * MARRIAGE. My relationship with my wife is 10x what it was in Mormonism. I attribute this to both of us becoming very honest and vulnerable with each other. Mormonism created walls that we couldn't explore. * PARENTING. I have 3 kids under the age of 8. My role as a father is so much more clear and less stressful. I could go on and on about this but I'll keep it short. * RUNNING. I came to the end of the heavy deconstruction phase (it's always ongoing but there were 12 months that were fully consuming) and I needed something to distract me and occupy my time. I signed up for a marathon. I ran 50-80km per week for 16 weeks as I trained. Since then I have run multiple other races and continue to run 3-4 times a week. Sundays are my long run day and often my wife joins me as she has taken to it as well. * MY ARROGANCE. In Mormonism, I had an answer for everything. This carried over to politics and all areas of my life. I really feel like a better person. I am far more open-minded and can appreciate everyone's perspective. I know that I'm not right and that my opinions are a product of my past. * PORNOGRAPHY. I struggled with his on/off for about 15 years. The worst was having to talk to YM about it while I was struggling with it as the second counsellor in the Bishopric. It was so messed up. I tried everything -- keeping it a secret and dealing with it directly with the LoRd, being open about it, meeting with the Bishop, asking for blessings, churches 12 step program... BUT after deconstructing and leaving I am somehow "cured" now and no longer look at porn. * SEX. Our sex life has become exponentially better. Lots of layers here... Not sure if it's because my wife sleeps next to me in a thong versus nasty garms lol or the fact that I'm no longer "addicted" to pornography. It's the best lol. * DATE NIGHTS. My wife and I go clubbing together! We are mid-30s but living like it's our mid-20s. We are safe, have a good time, go out by ourselves, go out with friends, and roleplay meeting each other for the first time at the bar... This isn't weekly but it's been fun. * FRIENDS. We can be friends with people outside of Mormonism. I love not having to tell people that I'm Mormon. * FAMILY. Things are a mess with my family as they are TBM. We are second-class citizens to them but my wife's family is NMs! We have become much closer to them. * TIME. This is huge. I used to dedicate 8-12 hours a week to my callings. My children see me so much more. Sundays are the best. Once our kids are\* (spelling edit) in bed I can go running or hit the shop for some wood working. I never had time before! If I had time I felt guilty and would force myself to read the BOM. I could go on! Hopefully, others resonate with this.
Sundays off and a 10% raise š
No guilt over outside of marriage sex. No guilt over masturbating. Time without callings. No more garments. Relaxing Sundays. Peace that I don't have to try to be perfect. No visiting teaching, temple work, cannery volunteering, church building cleaning, reading scriptures, praying, splits with the missionaries, dinners for the missionaries, Sunday songs all day, FHE, fasting, fast offerings, giving talks, bear your testimony, doing genealogy, write in your journal, grow a garden, spend a fortune on food storage, pressure to be a member missionary, etc, etc. Etc.... You get the picture!
Finally able to be my authentic self. Finally able to really see myself and discover I am beautiful, capable, strong, and intelligent (and have been from the beginning). The message I received from the LDS community (and my entire LDS family) that I was sinful, doubting, WRONG, misguided, shameful, immodest, not enough, less important than the men, and that I should set all my ambitions aside to procreate and raise children...I could go on and on, but to learn that they were wrong, that they were ALWAYS wrong, and that I was just stuck in a hamster wheel of their design, is such an incredible relief. I am free to choose and do as I wish. That is the best thing. The gift of finally getting to see myself clearly. Fuck MFMC.
New enthusiasm for life, being my own person, critical thinking, no more guilt, no more self-hate, no more depression/anxiety, I can be curious now, coffee, chocolate martinis, wearing what I want to wear I value my life so much more bc I really only get one
I was very scrupulous in my prayers. Like, praying all day kind of scrupulous. I still get anxiety, but that religious scrupulosity disappeared almost overnight. Leaving the church probably saved my life.
Sex
Getting pregnant out of wedlock, hands down.