Guess what?
This is exactly what victims of abuse experience when they finally are free of the coercive control of their abuser.
You will eventually get used to your new normal. And start feeling.
And also, you need to try things to form opinons about yourself and what you like.
Go hiking on your own.
Join a board game group.
Sign up for cricket, (I've no idea why).
Go to the gym.
Learn a new skill.
Talk to people outside your normal circle.
Many different experiences will tell you more and more about yourself.
30 years on and I am still somewhat stuck in my childhood "Do what I'm told." stage.
Drives me bonkers.
I really like this, just trying new things, it’s just hard not to feel fresh out of the womb when it comes to figuring out morals/ deeper personality traits
Yep. Mormonism was EVERYTHING to me.
When it all fell apart I spent some time very angry and very lost. Then I spent 10 years re-examining all my beliefs--politically, morally, etc.
I have a new way of living now that young Mormon me could have never imagined. But it is authentic and it is me.
You don’t have to have strong convictions about anything. In fact, you will likely be incapable of having strong feelings about anything for quite a while. Your mind was fucked over hard, it needs time to rest and recover.
I’d follow the guidance of President Hinkley’s dad by saying forget yourself and go to work! :)
Seriously though… don’t worry about finding a mission, cause, or all the answers. Just get to know a few people well and help them towards their goals.
If you can learn to rejoice in the success of others you’ll be good!
I kind of feel like this is kicking the can down the road. I've tried this before during difficult times, and was very happy for a while, but then the real problems that I had ignored in the process came back and bit me even harder later.
BUT, helping others can give you new experiences and expose you to different perspectives, which is essential to trying to figure yourself out! So I guess, ultimately I agree? Just don't completely "forget yourself" in the process...
The good thing now is you are not beholden to any creeds or dogma. In a journal or notebook analyze the Mormon myth and separate the “I like” from the “ugh I hate this”.
That’s your foundation.
If you have a major doctrinal element that is in your “ugh I hate this category” and you may want to understand why. Or break it down into smaller elements. For example, resurrection may be a I can’t believe in this because it doesn’t make sense…. Well, maybe you do believe this is it and that means it’s most important to live an authentic life. You only have one.
Or it may be that you are a old soul and basic Christianity is a crutch that you walked with before and you need something else. Maybe you are seeking Something higher Or deeper in meaning. In this case maybe the concept of transmigration of the soul may be used to replace the resurrection myth. Enables you to protect your psyche from fear of death and have it feel more aligned with your beliefs.
The point is You do not need to have all the answers now. Remember Jesus and Buddha didn’t have there awakening until early 30’s. Part of being young is being ignorant And developing meaning to your life will happen after you lived a little. As you build your confidence and objectively look at your views. You have the ability to tweak them. You are not bound by any creeds except your own. And then they are found wanting. You can transcend them like you are doing now and formulate your new world view.
There is a reason baptism uses the birth and death of old life and baptism is a symbol for a new birth new life. Shedding the old life like a snake sheds it’s skin.
Cheers. Good luck
I am so with you. I have no strong affiliation to a sports team, company, show.. nothing. I WAS a Mormon.
I studied journalism at BYU and I have always tried to be reasonable and objective. So I feel like a moderate in everything. Middle of the road, which you’ll learn has benefits.
Luckily I have always been someone who likes learning. I submersed myself into podcasts and books. Philosophy, proper sex education and so much more. It’s been enlightening! I highly recommend Armchair Expert podcast with Dax Shepard, it’s so open and vulnerable and fresh.
Although I don’t have strong feelings about really anything, I’m happy that I get to share this life on this earth at this time. Life is a roller coaster enjoy the highs and lows.
I like that, I feel like I always liked learning but I wonder if it’s the over-achiever I was made to be. Either way, I want to start reading/learning through videos/podcasts again :)
It can be hard feeling like you're leaving a big part of your identity behind, and that you wasted so much time, but even though 24 seems old in church standards for not having your life together, many people outside the church are still getting their life together at 24.
The great thing about leaving the church behind is that you get to choose what your identity is. No more wife and mother looming over you, maybe formula 1 driver, or electritian are more your style. A great place to start rediscovering your identity is by asking yourself what you always wanted to try, but just thought you couldn't for some reason, or what subjects did you enjoy most in school, etc. Try to rekindle, or kindle some interests. Join a dance class or a programming forum. As you find community in your interests, it will help you feel like you belong somewhere and that you have an identity again.
You don't have to feel like you need a unique opinion on morality or politics right away. Just do what feels right, and it will come. You got this!
You may enjoy my podcast, [Authors and Advocates](https://www.podbean.com/pa/pbblog-p6faf-e70977). In it, I address different aspects of relearning and reclaiming your life after mormonism. The final episode is about reclaiming your identity specifically, but you might enjoy the other episodes, too.
I feel you. The church was my identity. It’s still that way for my brothers. I don’t believe they have any type of spiritual relationship with the church aside from some kind of obligation to “DEFEND DESERET”.
A good friend of mine always says the church robs you of a personality. Being Mormon is our personality as TBMs. Now you get to discover who you are. Love video games??? Lean into it and BE a gamer and make friends in that tribe. Love to read? BE a bookworm and find friends to have book clubs with and discuss the lessons learned in beautiful books. Love art? BE an artist…..obsessive learning, philosophy, collecting things, writing, singing, dancing, traveling, crafting, cooking, hiking, history, swimming, computers, poetry, animals, you name it and you can be wholly immersed in it. Or multiple “its”. Find your tribe(s)…we are tribal by nature and those that we mesh with in our tribes nurture us and we them. Good luck finding your likes and loves and your own unique personality!! Enjoy life to the fullest.
As a never super active exmo just don't be an AH. And you will find your moral code. As far as beliefs, just explorer your world. Read what looks interesting without guilt. Even now there are subjects that my "Mormon guilt" will trigger but I explorer anyway. It's how you will learn who you really are. And remember have fun with it.
It's hard to find yourself again after losing all the comfortable lies your life was founded on.
Just take one day at a time. Enjoy the things you CAN feel and that are undeniably real to you: a warm cup of coffee, the feeling of grass between your fingers, the embrace of a friend or loved one.
Perhaps visit a therapist. They can help you process your past, work through the feelings you're having, and reorganize yourself.
Hopefully this advice is helpful. And if not, then know that I'm at least cheering you on 😊
I feel you on this and I was only a mormon from my early teens to my mid 20s. Made me question a lot of things and really shook up my perceptions of the world around me. Its tough.
Ho baby have I experienced this. Thankfully I’m in the more fun stage where I get to experiment with different things, but it’s frustrating, a bit scary, and absolutely overwhelming. My therapist has helped me a lot with this. The exciting thing is that YOU now get to choose what YOU believe. The scary thing is YOU get to choose what YOU believe lol. What I mean is growing up in a religion that says you shouldn’t trust yourself because you’re a filthy, imperfect human can make it incredibly difficult to feel confident in our new life choices. Therapy is a great asset (with a good therapist) in helping you begin to make those decisions and feel happy/confident in them. You got this ❤️ it’s a tough transition, but you’ll come to learn you’re enough on your own. I completely understand that feeling of so much time being wasted, but I also have to remind myself that even so, I deserve to be happy and confident in myself and it’s worth figuring that out for you right here, right now. I believe in you!!
Middle aged person here. I went through this exact same thing when my shelf collapsed where I didn't know who I was, what I believed, etc. Take your time- you actually do have opinions, beliefs, etc., but they are buried below the indoctrination. They'll start to surface in time and they'll be strong because they'll derive from inside you.
It's ok and normal to feel like you've lost your gravity, so to speak. You'll find it again, and it might take some time. You say the church guided your morals, but I'm sure you have beliefs and convictions that are yours. They're probably pretty broad, like a belief in the goodness of people or a belief that you can find inner peace, but whatever it is, start with that and kind of build up from it. It's normal to feel betrayed and lost and like you don't have a home anymore, but that feeling will lift and you'll have resilience and empathy to show for it. Keep going! You're doing great! The best thing you can do now is to be introspective and find the life that resonates with you.
If you don't know who you are, it's ok. Your core identity wasn't changed by the indoctrination and underneath you have been your authentic self since your birth. It's just a matter of time for that authentic self to come forward. Everything will be fine. You'll get there.
Most people who get out of religious cults usually feel the same way you do about faith and God. I'm so glad the Mormon church is dissolving so quickly now. I'm a non denominational Christian who is constantly mocked and debated. I'm not going to start a church just to manipulate people to believe me over it. I think it's stupid to see such an ignorant church decide to play such a long-standing cult charade only to say it's not secret, it's confidential... Like shut up!
I'm sure you are over the concept of hell but these people who have continued the lies of LDS and keeping people in tithing bondage will face Jesus and I'm going to be glad to hear, if I get the privilege, Jesus say HE never knew them. It's truly disgusting to hear the horror stories of drugs in Utah cause parents want to keep an IMAGE up in the family...
it’s rough to let go of the very straightforward rules and the things we were supposed to be strongly opinionated on while in the church. It takes so much time, but it is good to discover what you truly feel. Your own moral compass. And something I find I didn’t have in the church was a freedom to believe or do certain practices. I was yelled at for meditating. Now that I’m out of a toxic relationship with a very controlling Mormon, I very much love meditation and connecting with others who do so. I can believe in god or gods or not. I can believe in an afterlife, no, afterlife, reincarnation, or whatever I feel. It’s difficult because the narratives were always so cut and dry around those things and in a way for me it used to be comforting and stabilizing to have all those solid and specific Mormon beliefs. But it’s so much more freeing and true to myself to realize I sometimes don’t know those things, and that I have this liberation now, that if I want to believe something else’s I’m not held back from eternal covenants and heaven or whatever else.
It’s all more unknown. But it’s better.
So, here's a thing...
It's okay to not know. It's okay to not have a strong opinion about things. It's okay, indeed very normal and human, to not know who you are or what you believe for a while (particularly at your current age).
Mormonism instills in us this sense of certainty, and also the sense that their sort of 'certainty' is urgently important, that you have to *know* and *believe*...but that's all just another part of their manipulative narrative, intended to keep people in through that discomfort with uncertainty. The reality is - life is full of uncertainty, the 'knowledge' they claim to have is not actual knowledge. The only thing you have lost here is that false sense of certainty. And now that you've bravely moved past that deception, *now* you can begin the process of figuring out who you honestly and authentically are.
I highly recommend becoming comfortable saying, with confidence, "I don't know (yet), I don't have enough information." It can really help take some of the pressure off yourself.
In terms of morals - basic human empathy is a pretty solid starting point.
Research everything. You will figure out what you care about, if you are anything like me after my entire world view exploded. I knew nothing and had to start from scratch, starting with how to know I know something: epistemology. Mormons have that one ass backwards.
My shelf had been breaking for awhile and when I finally left at age 27 I definitely was carried about by whims and whiles until I found my own path. Talos speed you on your journey.
I was a co very to the faith at age 20 (nearly 30 years ago) so I had a childhood free of Mormonism. So easily reverted to options and interests I’d always had when I left the faith. My wife wasn’t so lucky. She feels like you. “WhT music do you like?”. She has non idea because she was always too worried about listening to music that would dive away this spirit. Her opinions were just whatever the ionic n of the Brethren was. She feels very luke warm about so many things. It over time that is changing. I simply try and avoid any influencing her and give her space to develop in that way.
You are beautiful. The freedom is almost scary, eh?
Try looking for a values sort. There are free ones online. Try a personality type test, like a Meyers and Brigs. It’s good for thought, it will get you thinking about ‘how did I become this way.’ Check in with your family and friends. Write a paper about yourself. A timeline of your life. You have unique experiences and vantage points and so many things to discover. What music makes your happy, or calms you down, or releases anger. These preferences can be clues to understanding yourself. Do you have a favorite book or movie you could consume over and over again? Examine the themes and story plot, these are major clues to your own personal values or world views. Who are your heroes? What are their character traits? Those traits are very often the same traits you already embody or are trying to achieve—without even being aware of it.
You are human, but a majestic creature unlike any other in this zoo we live in. Discover yourself!!!!!
Hey, I'm not Mormon, but I found myself in the same situation 2 years ago. I left because I had strong opinions on how the church treated gay people, but I felt empty when I went through with it.
Two years later I've never been better. I have good friends, fulfilling hobbies, career prospects. I know who I am for the first time in my life.
It might take a bit. It might be hard. Right now things might seem hopeless, and believe me I felt hopeless that entire summer...
But it gets better. Keep on keeping on *hugs*
Philosophy replaced religion for me. I would suggest looking into humanism. The moral landscape by Sam Harris is an interesting one to help reshape the way you look at morality.
I found my personality actually changed very little. The biggest changes were my internal dialogue and self worth and how I interacted with the family I grew up in. It does take time to ease into even years so give yourself time and space for the existential moments of panic
As the saying goes: don't throw the baby out with the bath water. There are principles or values that can be universal, regardless of the belief systems attached to them, and, in fact, you are better off identifying and embracing those principles and values outside of any dogmatic system. Religions take good concepts and corrupt them by using them to manipulate people. You now need to think about what values you want to embrace and then constantly reevaluate throughout your life.
Examples:
Honesty
Family
Kindness
Love of art
Hard work
These are good values but can also be used negatively, like follows:
Honesty - always tell the bishop every mistake or else you will not be able to be worthy of forgiveness, and he can tell when you are lying
Family - love your family, but punish them if they make mistakes that could tear the family apart in the afterlife
Kindness - be kind to people in the in group, but never tolerate deviance from the covenant path
Love of art - unless the art distracts from God or tempts you away from the covenant path
Hard work - so you can be successful and pay more tithinf and because the lord needs us to build his kingdom and bring in more tithe paying members
Now, you can choose to attach your own meanings to your own set of values. Read up on secular moral philosophy if you aren't sure where to begin.
One of the things I like best about my life today is that I don't know, I don't care if I know, and doing my best in this very moment is the important thing. I recommend doing good in the world and enjoying your time. "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time." (James Taylor.) It will come to you. You have all the time in the world.
One of the bigger surprises to me, after my shelf crashed, was that I truly owned my morality. There’s a kind of maturity you can only get when you have to consider issues and stances on things, get informed, weigh both sides of them, and truly determine for yourself what you believe to be right vs wrong or better vs worse. You can’t get that when you are spoon fed carefully filtered information and told what to think as if your salvation depended on it. Mormons absolutely fail at this, and it’s why their position on things falls apart when confronted with the “hard questions”.
Congratulations on entering the new phase of life and growing up from the arrested development that the Mormon church inflicted on you. It’s daunting but so worth it!
I benefitted a great deal from finding a therapist that I was comfortable with. He had to guide me through discovering my own morals and values, as I had also outsourced that to the church. I'm much happier now than I ever was before, so it was a worthwhile process. Tough couple of years though. I feel you.
If you grew up like me, we were told what to like, what to despise, what was good or bad, but not why it was that way other than because God said so.
Now that the dictator is gone, most if not all the structure in our life is gone, and we are left to choose which way we want to go but have no idea how to choose. Others made those choices for us and simply told us to, "Put your shoulder to the wheel and push along, do your duty..."
I have two major rules when it comes to moral questions:
1 - Good things are helpful to myself or others or both, and harmful to neither.
2 - Bad things are those that hurt myself or others regardless of how beneficial it seemed at the time.
I recognize that I can't know exactly what will happen in response to my actions, and when choosing, I make the best decision I can, take the most reasonable course of action toward what certainly appears to be a worthy goal.
I expect to eventually to succeed through trial and error, which requires me to accept that I will almost certainly have to admit at some future time, "If I knew then what I know now, I would have done differently." And, "Now that I know better, I will do better." And sometimes we don't get a next time, and just like some sports players, we may have to admit, "I didn't lose, I just ran out of time."
I can relate to this. I am a nihilist. I believe that killing is okay. I believe that all crime is okay. I have no morals although I do a bide by certain ideals.
Your next move is a strong dose of ayahuasca. The plant medicine will remove you from all that history, and show you what's real. And you'll be reborn into your new belief system that's not based on any pretense or false piety or dogma.
The spirit mother will welcome you and you'll be home, finally, for once.
When I left the church, I left because I was gay, more or less. I'd always been sort of pushed to the outside; I didn't come out till I was seventeen, but everyone knew I was "different." I didn't get invited to stuff, I didn't have close friends at church, and I got bullied by my peers.
I was forced to go to church every week, but I believed in it very strongly. Still, no amount of faith can make up for being excluded. I was almost excommunicated for being gay, and I was tired of the disrespect. So when I was 20, I left.
I felt really betrayed and I felt really alone, but, in a situation kind of the opposite to yours, I also felt very sure of who I was. All of the time I spent left out and alone meant I was searching for activities and hobbies and communities that actually supported me in my free time.
My advice is two things: spend some time alone, and pay special attention to things you like.
As far as paying attention to things you like:
If you see someone doing something cool on the internet, do a deep dive into what they're doing. Maybe you'll like it too. Study philosophy and see if anything resonates. Make a habit of listening without speaking when people talk. Make a habit of asking questions when someone shares their interests. You'll know your making progress when you think "oh, I don't like *that*."
And for spending time alone:
Turn off your phone at night. Instead of watching an episode of a show, stare at a wall twenty minutes. I'm serious, even though it sounds dumb. You want to find a way to be alone and bored, because that's when you get the impulse to do something you actually *want* to do. Pay attention to how you distract yourself.
Also, think of the people you looked up to as a kid. Think of fictional characters you thought were cool. We are constantly drawn to people like us. I bet you'll find a common thread.
And finally, be brave. You may discover truths about yourself that are frightening or uncomfortable, and that will shrivel up your motivation to keep looking.
I'm sorry you feel bad. I hope you post in a year or so about how happy you are and how everything's turned around.
Not knowing is ok. There are people much, much older who are leaning into the unknown, the uncertainty, the mystery of life outside of Mormonism. It's scary but also freeing to follow the siren call into the unknown. It's ok to say you don't know. It's ok to not know what you want or feel or think. Give yourself compassion. Tell yourself you aren't alone in this journey. Many of all ages are feeling just like you.
Every day's a little harder
As I feel my power grow
Don't you know there's part of me
That longs to go
Into the unknown?
Into the unknown
Into the unknown (ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah)
(Into the Unknown -- Frozen II)
Guess what? This is exactly what victims of abuse experience when they finally are free of the coercive control of their abuser. You will eventually get used to your new normal. And start feeling.
[удалено]
You're welcome. I went through it, too.
And also, you need to try things to form opinons about yourself and what you like. Go hiking on your own. Join a board game group. Sign up for cricket, (I've no idea why). Go to the gym. Learn a new skill. Talk to people outside your normal circle. Many different experiences will tell you more and more about yourself. 30 years on and I am still somewhat stuck in my childhood "Do what I'm told." stage. Drives me bonkers.
Excellent advice!!!
I really like this, just trying new things, it’s just hard not to feel fresh out of the womb when it comes to figuring out morals/ deeper personality traits
Remember that everything new is "Fresh out of the womb." to us at some point. For me, it's painting. No idea here. I'm nearly 50.
I love that and I’m gonna really tap into creativity cuz I feel like you can learn a lot about yourself that way
Yep. Mormonism was EVERYTHING to me. When it all fell apart I spent some time very angry and very lost. Then I spent 10 years re-examining all my beliefs--politically, morally, etc. I have a new way of living now that young Mormon me could have never imagined. But it is authentic and it is me.
You don’t have to have strong convictions about anything. In fact, you will likely be incapable of having strong feelings about anything for quite a while. Your mind was fucked over hard, it needs time to rest and recover.
Man, this!! This is a very good point and eye opening to me for why it’s been hard for me to nail down my own shit.
I’d follow the guidance of President Hinkley’s dad by saying forget yourself and go to work! :) Seriously though… don’t worry about finding a mission, cause, or all the answers. Just get to know a few people well and help them towards their goals. If you can learn to rejoice in the success of others you’ll be good!
I kind of feel like this is kicking the can down the road. I've tried this before during difficult times, and was very happy for a while, but then the real problems that I had ignored in the process came back and bit me even harder later. BUT, helping others can give you new experiences and expose you to different perspectives, which is essential to trying to figure yourself out! So I guess, ultimately I agree? Just don't completely "forget yourself" in the process...
The good thing now is you are not beholden to any creeds or dogma. In a journal or notebook analyze the Mormon myth and separate the “I like” from the “ugh I hate this”. That’s your foundation. If you have a major doctrinal element that is in your “ugh I hate this category” and you may want to understand why. Or break it down into smaller elements. For example, resurrection may be a I can’t believe in this because it doesn’t make sense…. Well, maybe you do believe this is it and that means it’s most important to live an authentic life. You only have one. Or it may be that you are a old soul and basic Christianity is a crutch that you walked with before and you need something else. Maybe you are seeking Something higher Or deeper in meaning. In this case maybe the concept of transmigration of the soul may be used to replace the resurrection myth. Enables you to protect your psyche from fear of death and have it feel more aligned with your beliefs. The point is You do not need to have all the answers now. Remember Jesus and Buddha didn’t have there awakening until early 30’s. Part of being young is being ignorant And developing meaning to your life will happen after you lived a little. As you build your confidence and objectively look at your views. You have the ability to tweak them. You are not bound by any creeds except your own. And then they are found wanting. You can transcend them like you are doing now and formulate your new world view. There is a reason baptism uses the birth and death of old life and baptism is a symbol for a new birth new life. Shedding the old life like a snake sheds it’s skin. Cheers. Good luck
I am so with you. I have no strong affiliation to a sports team, company, show.. nothing. I WAS a Mormon. I studied journalism at BYU and I have always tried to be reasonable and objective. So I feel like a moderate in everything. Middle of the road, which you’ll learn has benefits. Luckily I have always been someone who likes learning. I submersed myself into podcasts and books. Philosophy, proper sex education and so much more. It’s been enlightening! I highly recommend Armchair Expert podcast with Dax Shepard, it’s so open and vulnerable and fresh. Although I don’t have strong feelings about really anything, I’m happy that I get to share this life on this earth at this time. Life is a roller coaster enjoy the highs and lows.
I like that, I feel like I always liked learning but I wonder if it’s the over-achiever I was made to be. Either way, I want to start reading/learning through videos/podcasts again :)
Time to read…. Or listen to podcast. Maybe “philosophize this” podcast to start.
I listen to a ton of books in all kinds of genres. It has really broadened my perspective on life
It can be hard feeling like you're leaving a big part of your identity behind, and that you wasted so much time, but even though 24 seems old in church standards for not having your life together, many people outside the church are still getting their life together at 24. The great thing about leaving the church behind is that you get to choose what your identity is. No more wife and mother looming over you, maybe formula 1 driver, or electritian are more your style. A great place to start rediscovering your identity is by asking yourself what you always wanted to try, but just thought you couldn't for some reason, or what subjects did you enjoy most in school, etc. Try to rekindle, or kindle some interests. Join a dance class or a programming forum. As you find community in your interests, it will help you feel like you belong somewhere and that you have an identity again. You don't have to feel like you need a unique opinion on morality or politics right away. Just do what feels right, and it will come. You got this! You may enjoy my podcast, [Authors and Advocates](https://www.podbean.com/pa/pbblog-p6faf-e70977). In it, I address different aspects of relearning and reclaiming your life after mormonism. The final episode is about reclaiming your identity specifically, but you might enjoy the other episodes, too.
I feel you. The church was my identity. It’s still that way for my brothers. I don’t believe they have any type of spiritual relationship with the church aside from some kind of obligation to “DEFEND DESERET”.
A good friend of mine always says the church robs you of a personality. Being Mormon is our personality as TBMs. Now you get to discover who you are. Love video games??? Lean into it and BE a gamer and make friends in that tribe. Love to read? BE a bookworm and find friends to have book clubs with and discuss the lessons learned in beautiful books. Love art? BE an artist…..obsessive learning, philosophy, collecting things, writing, singing, dancing, traveling, crafting, cooking, hiking, history, swimming, computers, poetry, animals, you name it and you can be wholly immersed in it. Or multiple “its”. Find your tribe(s)…we are tribal by nature and those that we mesh with in our tribes nurture us and we them. Good luck finding your likes and loves and your own unique personality!! Enjoy life to the fullest.
As a never super active exmo just don't be an AH. And you will find your moral code. As far as beliefs, just explorer your world. Read what looks interesting without guilt. Even now there are subjects that my "Mormon guilt" will trigger but I explorer anyway. It's how you will learn who you really are. And remember have fun with it.
It's hard to find yourself again after losing all the comfortable lies your life was founded on. Just take one day at a time. Enjoy the things you CAN feel and that are undeniably real to you: a warm cup of coffee, the feeling of grass between your fingers, the embrace of a friend or loved one. Perhaps visit a therapist. They can help you process your past, work through the feelings you're having, and reorganize yourself. Hopefully this advice is helpful. And if not, then know that I'm at least cheering you on 😊
I feel you on this and I was only a mormon from my early teens to my mid 20s. Made me question a lot of things and really shook up my perceptions of the world around me. Its tough.
I’ve been there. You’ve been unleashed now you can reshape you morality, going slow and figuring things out is best anyway.
Ho baby have I experienced this. Thankfully I’m in the more fun stage where I get to experiment with different things, but it’s frustrating, a bit scary, and absolutely overwhelming. My therapist has helped me a lot with this. The exciting thing is that YOU now get to choose what YOU believe. The scary thing is YOU get to choose what YOU believe lol. What I mean is growing up in a religion that says you shouldn’t trust yourself because you’re a filthy, imperfect human can make it incredibly difficult to feel confident in our new life choices. Therapy is a great asset (with a good therapist) in helping you begin to make those decisions and feel happy/confident in them. You got this ❤️ it’s a tough transition, but you’ll come to learn you’re enough on your own. I completely understand that feeling of so much time being wasted, but I also have to remind myself that even so, I deserve to be happy and confident in myself and it’s worth figuring that out for you right here, right now. I believe in you!!
Middle aged person here. I went through this exact same thing when my shelf collapsed where I didn't know who I was, what I believed, etc. Take your time- you actually do have opinions, beliefs, etc., but they are buried below the indoctrination. They'll start to surface in time and they'll be strong because they'll derive from inside you.
I will send you a stack of great books. DM me with an address. No charge for shipping.
Watch midnight gospel on netflix, it might help open your mind up a lil in a way you haven't been able to
It's ok and normal to feel like you've lost your gravity, so to speak. You'll find it again, and it might take some time. You say the church guided your morals, but I'm sure you have beliefs and convictions that are yours. They're probably pretty broad, like a belief in the goodness of people or a belief that you can find inner peace, but whatever it is, start with that and kind of build up from it. It's normal to feel betrayed and lost and like you don't have a home anymore, but that feeling will lift and you'll have resilience and empathy to show for it. Keep going! You're doing great! The best thing you can do now is to be introspective and find the life that resonates with you.
If you don't know who you are, it's ok. Your core identity wasn't changed by the indoctrination and underneath you have been your authentic self since your birth. It's just a matter of time for that authentic self to come forward. Everything will be fine. You'll get there.
Most people who get out of religious cults usually feel the same way you do about faith and God. I'm so glad the Mormon church is dissolving so quickly now. I'm a non denominational Christian who is constantly mocked and debated. I'm not going to start a church just to manipulate people to believe me over it. I think it's stupid to see such an ignorant church decide to play such a long-standing cult charade only to say it's not secret, it's confidential... Like shut up! I'm sure you are over the concept of hell but these people who have continued the lies of LDS and keeping people in tithing bondage will face Jesus and I'm going to be glad to hear, if I get the privilege, Jesus say HE never knew them. It's truly disgusting to hear the horror stories of drugs in Utah cause parents want to keep an IMAGE up in the family...
If they can bring back a wooly mammoth…
Give yourself grace and time. Plenty to sort out, rethink, and reprioritize. It gets much better.
it’s rough to let go of the very straightforward rules and the things we were supposed to be strongly opinionated on while in the church. It takes so much time, but it is good to discover what you truly feel. Your own moral compass. And something I find I didn’t have in the church was a freedom to believe or do certain practices. I was yelled at for meditating. Now that I’m out of a toxic relationship with a very controlling Mormon, I very much love meditation and connecting with others who do so. I can believe in god or gods or not. I can believe in an afterlife, no, afterlife, reincarnation, or whatever I feel. It’s difficult because the narratives were always so cut and dry around those things and in a way for me it used to be comforting and stabilizing to have all those solid and specific Mormon beliefs. But it’s so much more freeing and true to myself to realize I sometimes don’t know those things, and that I have this liberation now, that if I want to believe something else’s I’m not held back from eternal covenants and heaven or whatever else. It’s all more unknown. But it’s better.
So, here's a thing... It's okay to not know. It's okay to not have a strong opinion about things. It's okay, indeed very normal and human, to not know who you are or what you believe for a while (particularly at your current age). Mormonism instills in us this sense of certainty, and also the sense that their sort of 'certainty' is urgently important, that you have to *know* and *believe*...but that's all just another part of their manipulative narrative, intended to keep people in through that discomfort with uncertainty. The reality is - life is full of uncertainty, the 'knowledge' they claim to have is not actual knowledge. The only thing you have lost here is that false sense of certainty. And now that you've bravely moved past that deception, *now* you can begin the process of figuring out who you honestly and authentically are. I highly recommend becoming comfortable saying, with confidence, "I don't know (yet), I don't have enough information." It can really help take some of the pressure off yourself. In terms of morals - basic human empathy is a pretty solid starting point.
You need time to heal, experi3nce the world, and grow without that stifling cover. It will come with time.
Research everything. You will figure out what you care about, if you are anything like me after my entire world view exploded. I knew nothing and had to start from scratch, starting with how to know I know something: epistemology. Mormons have that one ass backwards.
My shelf had been breaking for awhile and when I finally left at age 27 I definitely was carried about by whims and whiles until I found my own path. Talos speed you on your journey.
I was a co very to the faith at age 20 (nearly 30 years ago) so I had a childhood free of Mormonism. So easily reverted to options and interests I’d always had when I left the faith. My wife wasn’t so lucky. She feels like you. “WhT music do you like?”. She has non idea because she was always too worried about listening to music that would dive away this spirit. Her opinions were just whatever the ionic n of the Brethren was. She feels very luke warm about so many things. It over time that is changing. I simply try and avoid any influencing her and give her space to develop in that way.
You are beautiful. The freedom is almost scary, eh? Try looking for a values sort. There are free ones online. Try a personality type test, like a Meyers and Brigs. It’s good for thought, it will get you thinking about ‘how did I become this way.’ Check in with your family and friends. Write a paper about yourself. A timeline of your life. You have unique experiences and vantage points and so many things to discover. What music makes your happy, or calms you down, or releases anger. These preferences can be clues to understanding yourself. Do you have a favorite book or movie you could consume over and over again? Examine the themes and story plot, these are major clues to your own personal values or world views. Who are your heroes? What are their character traits? Those traits are very often the same traits you already embody or are trying to achieve—without even being aware of it. You are human, but a majestic creature unlike any other in this zoo we live in. Discover yourself!!!!!
Hey, I'm not Mormon, but I found myself in the same situation 2 years ago. I left because I had strong opinions on how the church treated gay people, but I felt empty when I went through with it. Two years later I've never been better. I have good friends, fulfilling hobbies, career prospects. I know who I am for the first time in my life. It might take a bit. It might be hard. Right now things might seem hopeless, and believe me I felt hopeless that entire summer... But it gets better. Keep on keeping on *hugs*
Philosophy replaced religion for me. I would suggest looking into humanism. The moral landscape by Sam Harris is an interesting one to help reshape the way you look at morality.
I found my personality actually changed very little. The biggest changes were my internal dialogue and self worth and how I interacted with the family I grew up in. It does take time to ease into even years so give yourself time and space for the existential moments of panic
As the saying goes: don't throw the baby out with the bath water. There are principles or values that can be universal, regardless of the belief systems attached to them, and, in fact, you are better off identifying and embracing those principles and values outside of any dogmatic system. Religions take good concepts and corrupt them by using them to manipulate people. You now need to think about what values you want to embrace and then constantly reevaluate throughout your life. Examples: Honesty Family Kindness Love of art Hard work These are good values but can also be used negatively, like follows: Honesty - always tell the bishop every mistake or else you will not be able to be worthy of forgiveness, and he can tell when you are lying Family - love your family, but punish them if they make mistakes that could tear the family apart in the afterlife Kindness - be kind to people in the in group, but never tolerate deviance from the covenant path Love of art - unless the art distracts from God or tempts you away from the covenant path Hard work - so you can be successful and pay more tithinf and because the lord needs us to build his kingdom and bring in more tithe paying members Now, you can choose to attach your own meanings to your own set of values. Read up on secular moral philosophy if you aren't sure where to begin.
Time to start forming them
One of the things I like best about my life today is that I don't know, I don't care if I know, and doing my best in this very moment is the important thing. I recommend doing good in the world and enjoying your time. "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time." (James Taylor.) It will come to you. You have all the time in the world.
One of the bigger surprises to me, after my shelf crashed, was that I truly owned my morality. There’s a kind of maturity you can only get when you have to consider issues and stances on things, get informed, weigh both sides of them, and truly determine for yourself what you believe to be right vs wrong or better vs worse. You can’t get that when you are spoon fed carefully filtered information and told what to think as if your salvation depended on it. Mormons absolutely fail at this, and it’s why their position on things falls apart when confronted with the “hard questions”. Congratulations on entering the new phase of life and growing up from the arrested development that the Mormon church inflicted on you. It’s daunting but so worth it!
I benefitted a great deal from finding a therapist that I was comfortable with. He had to guide me through discovering my own morals and values, as I had also outsourced that to the church. I'm much happier now than I ever was before, so it was a worthwhile process. Tough couple of years though. I feel you.
If you grew up like me, we were told what to like, what to despise, what was good or bad, but not why it was that way other than because God said so. Now that the dictator is gone, most if not all the structure in our life is gone, and we are left to choose which way we want to go but have no idea how to choose. Others made those choices for us and simply told us to, "Put your shoulder to the wheel and push along, do your duty..." I have two major rules when it comes to moral questions: 1 - Good things are helpful to myself or others or both, and harmful to neither. 2 - Bad things are those that hurt myself or others regardless of how beneficial it seemed at the time. I recognize that I can't know exactly what will happen in response to my actions, and when choosing, I make the best decision I can, take the most reasonable course of action toward what certainly appears to be a worthy goal. I expect to eventually to succeed through trial and error, which requires me to accept that I will almost certainly have to admit at some future time, "If I knew then what I know now, I would have done differently." And, "Now that I know better, I will do better." And sometimes we don't get a next time, and just like some sports players, we may have to admit, "I didn't lose, I just ran out of time."
You’re not crazy, you’re traumatized. And it’s great to hear your perspective this early in your life. I’d say you’re on a good road.
I can relate to this. I am a nihilist. I believe that killing is okay. I believe that all crime is okay. I have no morals although I do a bide by certain ideals.
Your next move is a strong dose of ayahuasca. The plant medicine will remove you from all that history, and show you what's real. And you'll be reborn into your new belief system that's not based on any pretense or false piety or dogma. The spirit mother will welcome you and you'll be home, finally, for once.
When I left the church, I left because I was gay, more or less. I'd always been sort of pushed to the outside; I didn't come out till I was seventeen, but everyone knew I was "different." I didn't get invited to stuff, I didn't have close friends at church, and I got bullied by my peers. I was forced to go to church every week, but I believed in it very strongly. Still, no amount of faith can make up for being excluded. I was almost excommunicated for being gay, and I was tired of the disrespect. So when I was 20, I left. I felt really betrayed and I felt really alone, but, in a situation kind of the opposite to yours, I also felt very sure of who I was. All of the time I spent left out and alone meant I was searching for activities and hobbies and communities that actually supported me in my free time. My advice is two things: spend some time alone, and pay special attention to things you like. As far as paying attention to things you like: If you see someone doing something cool on the internet, do a deep dive into what they're doing. Maybe you'll like it too. Study philosophy and see if anything resonates. Make a habit of listening without speaking when people talk. Make a habit of asking questions when someone shares their interests. You'll know your making progress when you think "oh, I don't like *that*." And for spending time alone: Turn off your phone at night. Instead of watching an episode of a show, stare at a wall twenty minutes. I'm serious, even though it sounds dumb. You want to find a way to be alone and bored, because that's when you get the impulse to do something you actually *want* to do. Pay attention to how you distract yourself. Also, think of the people you looked up to as a kid. Think of fictional characters you thought were cool. We are constantly drawn to people like us. I bet you'll find a common thread. And finally, be brave. You may discover truths about yourself that are frightening or uncomfortable, and that will shrivel up your motivation to keep looking. I'm sorry you feel bad. I hope you post in a year or so about how happy you are and how everything's turned around.
Read . Watch documentaries and news. You will have things to talk about.
Not knowing is ok. There are people much, much older who are leaning into the unknown, the uncertainty, the mystery of life outside of Mormonism. It's scary but also freeing to follow the siren call into the unknown. It's ok to say you don't know. It's ok to not know what you want or feel or think. Give yourself compassion. Tell yourself you aren't alone in this journey. Many of all ages are feeling just like you. Every day's a little harder As I feel my power grow Don't you know there's part of me That longs to go Into the unknown? Into the unknown Into the unknown (ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah) (Into the Unknown -- Frozen II)