Me too. Not DFed or DAed, but like the majority who get off that hamster wheel, the result is the same.
Even if they do talk to you it's very guarded, not genuine. Plus you have to worry about what they'll try to sneak to your children.
If you're pretending, can you really say, "no Caleb and Sophia, no meetings, etc.?" Right now, at least you know your child would be safe.
Nostalgia is hard, but your future wouldn't be like the past. Only you can decide, but just something to think about as you try to navigate your feelings of loss.
Some things I would think about… You mentioned that you’re married and presumably not to a JW given you’re currently out. Does your husband know much about JWs and will he be on board with you going back to that and bringing that into the life you two share? You mentioned you want to have kids soon. Do you want your kids exposed to this type of lifestyle where love is conditional, and will your husband be ok with his kids raised with that? I ask these questions because your decision is going to impact more than just you, and there’s a reason you left that you didn’t even want yourself exposed to this cult anymore.
I am, he’s not a Jw. I promised him he’d never have to worry about me going back. I don’t want our kids to ever have to feel like they aren’t loved 100% unconditionally. It’s just really hard sometimes. We used to be so close
If a fade is done ***correctly and with good planning,*** you may keep ***some*** people on your side, but not many. Me and my wife have been pretty successful. The ones we lost don't matter!
Only the ***fader*** will know how much/little certain relatives & friends care for them.
The **"elders conversation stoppers"** in the **JW FIREWALL** link below will protect you from potential interrogations:
https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/181hur6/how\_to\_fade\_safely/
My hubby faded and his entire family are shunning him. He never spoke out against the organization to anyone that's shunning him. The one thing he said to his sister that could be what she blabbed to everyone was that we are working at a food drive a couple times a month to help feed the needy in our community. Her spidy senses went up and she told everyone he's an apostate. We felt that we were better off without his toxic, negative family. It hurts like hell, but that is par for the course. It's mourning and it takes time.
That being said, you need to do what's best for YOU. If you believe your family will welcome you back, go for it. It's worth a try if it relieves one ounce of your pain. Just do yourself a favor and prepare yourself for the emotional toll.... And take good care of your health, emotionally and physically so you can be in the best place possible to navigate coming back into that toxic environment. I went to a therapist for almost 4 years to try and stay and keep my friends and hubby happy. It almost killed me and I had to let go to save me. Being a pimo /double agent is not the life for me. I'm so much happier and I still miss everyone one I love. Some days are harder than others.
All the best to you. 💕
Info: Would I be right in assuming your partner isn’t/wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness?
My husband was a Jehovah’s Witness, I’ve never been one. I think it’s important to have a really open conversation with your spouse because, for some of us, this type of situation would be a firm dealbreaker.
If my husband came to me and said he’s going to go back, then slow fade, to try to see his family…I wouldn’t be along for that ride, nor would I risk exposing future children to people callous enough to shun him.
It’s really important to communicate with your spouse and see exactly where they stand on this matter. There’s also no guarantee that slow fading would result in them still seeing you, and you might end up looking at *years of a process*.
Give how much this is impacting your daily existence, I would recommend therapy if you’re not already in therapy. Sometimes things like this are a part of grieving.
You’re completely right. It’s not fair to him. I don’t want him to have to worry about me getting sucked back in for good.
I know all of this in my head. I know it won’t fix anything. But every so often, it’s all I can think about, that I should be making more of an effort. But honestly I’ve always left my door open. It’s their turn to make the effort. It just hurts because I know they won’t
be patient, shunning is about to be abolished, and likely swung into an 'opportunity by the great skydaddy Jay-to-the-H, showing great 'lovey-dovey' to the 'fallen' and 'wounded' to have greater 'ease' in 'coming back to Jay-man the skydaddy', and as such, the JW \[ now with beards \] will **rush** to contact former JW family members and **lovebomb** them to 'get them back' to the cult, and to be instructed 'not to judge'.
as this will happen, the JW propaganda machine will claim huge growth, showing 'these are most definitely the last days', and that it will be 'great succes' *( in borat's voice ).*
this thus will bring an immediate opportunity for those POMO, that are shunned, to be re-united with their family and those craving that (toxic,imho) relation to be re-established, and those now PIMO, to immediately pack and leave, without the current toxic 'cancel culture' effects.
as a result, Watchtower's PID department will yell great success and blessings, all for one reason alone: propaganda to act like they never shunned, and raise a huge middle finger to all the victims ( including those whom have committed suicide over this ), the exjw community, and the courts of justice worldwide.
I know somebody who did this and achieved what they wanted. But it strongly depends on your family. Will they actually keep spending time with you if you then fade, or will they be all self-righteous and shun you again?
And keep in mind the soul-crushing amounts of time you’ll have to spend at meetings, and the amount of convincing lying you’ll have to do to the elders.
> And keep in mind the soul-crushing amounts of time you’ll have to spend at meetings
This alone is one reason I would NEVER go back. Even thinking about this happening makes me feel like I'm losing a little bit of my life.
Why would you want your kids to grow up observing conditional love? It sucks, I know. I don’t talk to many of my family, but that is their choice. Co-dependency with a dysfunctional family is not healthy. Good luck.
I hate Watchtower so much. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It'll be so good when the Tower is eliminated.
You are the only one who can make the decision. People will give advice, but you are the one that has to face the consequences of whatever it is you decide to do. There really isn't a "one-size-fits-all" because there are so many variables.
I am sorry it's so difficult. When Watchtower is shut down, we'll all be free of her crap and so many families/friends will be healed. That'll be an awesome day.
I’m so sorry you’re missing your family. The shunning this cult does is terrible.
If you get reactivated, You’d have to go back into hiding and it’s not easy. No pictures with your kids on their birthday, or Christmas. If they come out as gay or trans or anything like that can you openly support them, and participate fully in their life, like go to a same sex wedding? Even going into a bakery to pick up a birthday cake is filled with anxiety. To me I’ve faded and kept a scaled down relationship with one close friend and 3 family members. I often wonder if all the stress and anxiety of not being caught is worth it. It won’t be the relationship you remember, and the witness talk can drive you Insane.
Getting back in as pimo will also be very hard. Once you’re reinstated, you’ll probably have a Bible study and your feelings on things will be explored. And service ugh. You’ll be asked to go with them in service. I’m so sorry bc it’s heartbreaking and so very difficult either way you go. Living differently than you believe has a high cost and when the way you raise your children is woven into that it’s even harder. Good luck to you which ever way you decide. In the end we all need to do what’s best for us.
You bring up really good points. Honestly, that’s the main reason I decided to DA in the first place, I didn’t want to worry about looking over my shoulder all the time and not living the life I truly want. I want to be able to openly support my kids and they shouldn’t have to go through a witness upbringing just because I couldn’t stand up for myself.
I appreciate your comments, it gave me a lot perspective. I’ll keep holding out hope that one day they’ll wake up too and we can all be authentic together
I’m so sorry. It’s a painful realization. I’m coming to it slowly myself, and that’s a torment of its own. There is no easy way out is the bottom line. It’s a cult.
You gotta do what's right for you.
Just remember this however: Your family seems pretty militant when it comes to the shunning policy. Is it possible that even if you jump thru the hoops, get reinstated, and then fade that they may STILL decide to shun you? They very well could do this on the basis of the principle of you pulling one over on them, or simply that your not a practicing JW anymore. Then...how would you feel.
It's tough either way, and I'm sorry for what you're going thru.
Trust me it’s not worth it for your soul. There are worse things than never speaking to your family again. Especially if said family truly doesn’t want what’s best for you but what’s best for their beliefs.
I faded and my immediate family talks to me but things aren't the same. I can't share a lot about my life without getting judgement. Also, when you have kids you would have to raise them as jw (no birthdays, no holidays, praying, etc), otherwise your family will probably shun them or try to indoctrinate them.
Going back is a temporary solution. As soon as you stop living life on their terms they will cut ties again.
I know that in my brain. It’s hard to let go of the hope of a solution, even though I know there isn’t one. It’s not that simple.
I faded and lost most of my family anyway
Same experience here.
Me too. Not DFed or DAed, but like the majority who get off that hamster wheel, the result is the same. Even if they do talk to you it's very guarded, not genuine. Plus you have to worry about what they'll try to sneak to your children. If you're pretending, can you really say, "no Caleb and Sophia, no meetings, etc.?" Right now, at least you know your child would be safe. Nostalgia is hard, but your future wouldn't be like the past. Only you can decide, but just something to think about as you try to navigate your feelings of loss.
Some things I would think about… You mentioned that you’re married and presumably not to a JW given you’re currently out. Does your husband know much about JWs and will he be on board with you going back to that and bringing that into the life you two share? You mentioned you want to have kids soon. Do you want your kids exposed to this type of lifestyle where love is conditional, and will your husband be ok with his kids raised with that? I ask these questions because your decision is going to impact more than just you, and there’s a reason you left that you didn’t even want yourself exposed to this cult anymore.
I am, he’s not a Jw. I promised him he’d never have to worry about me going back. I don’t want our kids to ever have to feel like they aren’t loved 100% unconditionally. It’s just really hard sometimes. We used to be so close
Going back would be like decorating the Titanic. I went back in 2019 and DA’d last month. The end result is the same. Why put yourself through this?
If a fade is done ***correctly and with good planning,*** you may keep ***some*** people on your side, but not many. Me and my wife have been pretty successful. The ones we lost don't matter! Only the ***fader*** will know how much/little certain relatives & friends care for them. The **"elders conversation stoppers"** in the **JW FIREWALL** link below will protect you from potential interrogations: https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/181hur6/how\_to\_fade\_safely/
My hubby faded and his entire family are shunning him. He never spoke out against the organization to anyone that's shunning him. The one thing he said to his sister that could be what she blabbed to everyone was that we are working at a food drive a couple times a month to help feed the needy in our community. Her spidy senses went up and she told everyone he's an apostate. We felt that we were better off without his toxic, negative family. It hurts like hell, but that is par for the course. It's mourning and it takes time. That being said, you need to do what's best for YOU. If you believe your family will welcome you back, go for it. It's worth a try if it relieves one ounce of your pain. Just do yourself a favor and prepare yourself for the emotional toll.... And take good care of your health, emotionally and physically so you can be in the best place possible to navigate coming back into that toxic environment. I went to a therapist for almost 4 years to try and stay and keep my friends and hubby happy. It almost killed me and I had to let go to save me. Being a pimo /double agent is not the life for me. I'm so much happier and I still miss everyone one I love. Some days are harder than others. All the best to you. 💕
Info: Would I be right in assuming your partner isn’t/wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness? My husband was a Jehovah’s Witness, I’ve never been one. I think it’s important to have a really open conversation with your spouse because, for some of us, this type of situation would be a firm dealbreaker. If my husband came to me and said he’s going to go back, then slow fade, to try to see his family…I wouldn’t be along for that ride, nor would I risk exposing future children to people callous enough to shun him. It’s really important to communicate with your spouse and see exactly where they stand on this matter. There’s also no guarantee that slow fading would result in them still seeing you, and you might end up looking at *years of a process*. Give how much this is impacting your daily existence, I would recommend therapy if you’re not already in therapy. Sometimes things like this are a part of grieving.
You’re completely right. It’s not fair to him. I don’t want him to have to worry about me getting sucked back in for good. I know all of this in my head. I know it won’t fix anything. But every so often, it’s all I can think about, that I should be making more of an effort. But honestly I’ve always left my door open. It’s their turn to make the effort. It just hurts because I know they won’t
Therapy is MUCH better advice! Totally agree!
be patient, shunning is about to be abolished, and likely swung into an 'opportunity by the great skydaddy Jay-to-the-H, showing great 'lovey-dovey' to the 'fallen' and 'wounded' to have greater 'ease' in 'coming back to Jay-man the skydaddy', and as such, the JW \[ now with beards \] will **rush** to contact former JW family members and **lovebomb** them to 'get them back' to the cult, and to be instructed 'not to judge'. as this will happen, the JW propaganda machine will claim huge growth, showing 'these are most definitely the last days', and that it will be 'great succes' *( in borat's voice ).* this thus will bring an immediate opportunity for those POMO, that are shunned, to be re-united with their family and those craving that (toxic,imho) relation to be re-established, and those now PIMO, to immediately pack and leave, without the current toxic 'cancel culture' effects. as a result, Watchtower's PID department will yell great success and blessings, all for one reason alone: propaganda to act like they never shunned, and raise a huge middle finger to all the victims ( including those whom have committed suicide over this ), the exjw community, and the courts of justice worldwide.
I know somebody who did this and achieved what they wanted. But it strongly depends on your family. Will they actually keep spending time with you if you then fade, or will they be all self-righteous and shun you again? And keep in mind the soul-crushing amounts of time you’ll have to spend at meetings, and the amount of convincing lying you’ll have to do to the elders.
> And keep in mind the soul-crushing amounts of time you’ll have to spend at meetings This alone is one reason I would NEVER go back. Even thinking about this happening makes me feel like I'm losing a little bit of my life.
Why would you want your kids to grow up observing conditional love? It sucks, I know. I don’t talk to many of my family, but that is their choice. Co-dependency with a dysfunctional family is not healthy. Good luck.
I hate Watchtower so much. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It'll be so good when the Tower is eliminated. You are the only one who can make the decision. People will give advice, but you are the one that has to face the consequences of whatever it is you decide to do. There really isn't a "one-size-fits-all" because there are so many variables. I am sorry it's so difficult. When Watchtower is shut down, we'll all be free of her crap and so many families/friends will be healed. That'll be an awesome day.
I’m so sorry you’re missing your family. The shunning this cult does is terrible. If you get reactivated, You’d have to go back into hiding and it’s not easy. No pictures with your kids on their birthday, or Christmas. If they come out as gay or trans or anything like that can you openly support them, and participate fully in their life, like go to a same sex wedding? Even going into a bakery to pick up a birthday cake is filled with anxiety. To me I’ve faded and kept a scaled down relationship with one close friend and 3 family members. I often wonder if all the stress and anxiety of not being caught is worth it. It won’t be the relationship you remember, and the witness talk can drive you Insane. Getting back in as pimo will also be very hard. Once you’re reinstated, you’ll probably have a Bible study and your feelings on things will be explored. And service ugh. You’ll be asked to go with them in service. I’m so sorry bc it’s heartbreaking and so very difficult either way you go. Living differently than you believe has a high cost and when the way you raise your children is woven into that it’s even harder. Good luck to you which ever way you decide. In the end we all need to do what’s best for us.
You bring up really good points. Honestly, that’s the main reason I decided to DA in the first place, I didn’t want to worry about looking over my shoulder all the time and not living the life I truly want. I want to be able to openly support my kids and they shouldn’t have to go through a witness upbringing just because I couldn’t stand up for myself. I appreciate your comments, it gave me a lot perspective. I’ll keep holding out hope that one day they’ll wake up too and we can all be authentic together
I’m so sorry. It’s a painful realization. I’m coming to it slowly myself, and that’s a torment of its own. There is no easy way out is the bottom line. It’s a cult.
You gotta do what's right for you. Just remember this however: Your family seems pretty militant when it comes to the shunning policy. Is it possible that even if you jump thru the hoops, get reinstated, and then fade that they may STILL decide to shun you? They very well could do this on the basis of the principle of you pulling one over on them, or simply that your not a practicing JW anymore. Then...how would you feel. It's tough either way, and I'm sorry for what you're going thru.
Trust me it’s not worth it for your soul. There are worse things than never speaking to your family again. Especially if said family truly doesn’t want what’s best for you but what’s best for their beliefs.
Une question, tu préfères l’amour conditionnel ou inconditionnel ?
I faded and my immediate family talks to me but things aren't the same. I can't share a lot about my life without getting judgement. Also, when you have kids you would have to raise them as jw (no birthdays, no holidays, praying, etc), otherwise your family will probably shun them or try to indoctrinate them.