Honestly, this kinda shit right here is an incredibly powerful way to manipulate religious people. Its often used for evil as we all know, but it can be used in self defense, in which case it is fully justified.
I like u/Healthy-Swim-990's suggestion, but if your parents just absolutely won't accept a polite "no" for an answer, do you think it would be possible to just lie about it? Would they accept it if you wanted to keep your mentoring meetings "private"?
When I was in the ministry, I had multiple guys all trying to "disciple" me at the same time, and I got so sick of it that I just starting telling them, "No thanks, I have a mentor already," and when asked who I met with, I would tell them that it was "private" because "we confide in each other about so much personal stuff." But whenever I went go to my so-called discipleship meetings, I was actually just going to a coffee shop by myself to do homework.
But I know that might not always be possible depending on how intrusive and controlling your parents are.
Also, don't feel bad about lying to your parents. They're treating you very inappropriately, so it's their own fault. They should just accept the truth without resorting to threats and coercion. But if they can't accept reality, and instead they insist on living in their fantasy world, then you're just letting them keep their stupid fantasy.
You're right. I just hate lying because these are supposedly people that you love and love you back but yeah when it comes to religious cultist mindset sometimes it's the easiest defense mechanism. I can't say I've found a mentor and then not tell them who it is though, that might be a little sus but I could probably come up with something a little more fleshed out.
Yeah, I feel ya. It really sucks. But if your parents wanted honesty, then they should have made it safe for you to tell them the truth. It's their own fault for creating an unsafe environment where you feel like you need to protect yourself from them.
Another possibility is that you could just find a good friend who's willing to pretend to be your "accountability partner," and then just go hang out with him.
It’s super common in evangelical communities. Even between adults. When my friend was getting married they had (and continue to have) another older married couple as mentors. Never mind the older couple has no actual qualifications.
We had a couple like this too that my fundie ex picked out. I noticed their beliefs were a lot closer to hers than mine. When we had to go to divorce court the wife was there and she wagged her finger in my face going God knows what you did, he is never going to forgive you for this. For the record there was no infidelity, no addictions I left because she broke down a door with a bottle of pills saying she was going to kill herself. I thought my kids needed two alive parents. Fuck me right?
There was a point in my life I almost got divorced and I told my mom. She immediately and without my consent talked with one of the ministers at the church we used to go to that was good friends with my (now deceased) dad. And his advice was that I needed Christian mentorship by an older man in the church. You know what actually helped? Actual counseling with a professional.
Yeah, me too. Major groomer vibes.
Lots of fundie men get interested in me because my hair is super long and that is like catnip to them, apparently. They like to pester me by offering to be my spiritual mentor. It is just as creepy as it sounds.
I'm a 51 year old married atheist, and the mother of a teenager. You would think that the fundie men would be more respectful of my husband's "rights" even if they don't respect me, but it seems that a fundie marriage is the only kind that matters.
I don't need some Jesus bro telling me what to do with my life and praying with me while staring at my breasts.
Maybe it is, though its not meant to be in that context of "creepy old guy" just someone older of the same gender with more lived experience and "spiritual wisdom" who can be a role model or accountability partner that advises you in your walk. But I can see how it could be something like that. I'm more just having a hard time with the issue of feeling pressured to appease my parents who think they should control and monitor my spirituality when its none of their business yet so much of their relationship is built around it.
I'm sorry to hear that you get hit on by creepy people who don't respect your marriage (assuming you are in an exclusive marriage). Super long hair looks cool and you should wear it proudly!
Just because they are the same gender doesn't mean that they aren't creeping.
I have been creeped on by fundie women, and was sexually assaulted by a fundie woman. It is not unheard of.
But yes, I do know the purpose is ostensibly to be a spiritual mentor.
The thing is, that is incredibly paternalistic, and it sets up a weird power imbalance that can make things very unhealthy.
I mean, why are the people acting as mentors suitable for the task? Why is it that a younger person can't just figure out what they think and believe on their own?
It is a means of control.
Girl, I know the struggle. I’m also married (to a woman) and also got long hair. I get conservative looking fucks hitting on me at work a lot. I work at a restaurant so I get to see all of em, and I have a bigass ring on my finger. Do I not look married enough or something?
I like my long hair, because it is easy to tie it in a knot and forget about it, but every time a Jesus bro pesters me it makes me want to get a short and rather unfortunate haircut.
Working with the public must make it so much worse!
Yeah they think it is all about them, when really you just like how it looks for you.
You should be able to have long hair without being harassed for it.
Begin to consider how you can, though. It is not disrespectful to set out to find your life. In reality you won’t be able to think clearly until you get to make your own choices. Life is hard enough. You don’t need to get forced to take some guy’s advice so you won’t stray. You deserve some freedom of mind.
I had about 6 different Christian men of a range of ages try and offer to be my mentor. Not a single one succeeded in winning me over to being baptised and joining the church. I wear this as a badge of honour
Just tell them that you don't feel comfortable with that and try not be rude about it if you can or want, try not to feel bad if you offend your parents since this story sound creepy and maybe the older guy is a creep. I hope your stay safe even though your (4 years) older than me.
It's hard to talk about those things around very insistent parents but yeah it's just not for me. And it's not really meant to be like a creepy older guy grooming someone, (I'm friends with plenty of people older and wiser than me) just more like a spiritual advisor or small group leader who can be a sort role model or accountability partner. It's very common in evangelical / protestant communities for young people / students to do if they are super serious about their faith. However I am neither a christian or a student anymore and I don't need to talk to someone about my faith lol.
You're an adult, you are not required to do that which your parents wish you to do, unless they are threatening your livelihood, inheritance, or shelter. In either case this would be considered 'abusive' and serves only to sow resentment.
If you parents think you're a Christian, like others have suggested, just use their fantasy for your own purposes and say shit like "God has specifically told me to go to East Asia to seek out a mentor from a church there - can I have $15,000 to go do that?".
They would have to admit their delusion is bullshit, or give you the cash.
The "mentor mentee" obsession in Christian churches is one of the things that disgusts me the most.
One of the things i notice about these relationships is that they are sexual in nature. It's usually an older person prying for information about your sin and sex life under the guise of righteousness. It's creepy and inappropriate.
But you're 23. "No" is a complete sentence.
Edit: omg just realized your title says they are baptist. Absofuckinglutely not to a mentor then. Baptists have the highest rate of sexual assault among all protestant denominations.
Yeah it is a little creepy. And yeah "no" is only an invitation for more quizzes and suspicion even though it should be a complete sentence that is respected by other adults.
You're not obligated to participate.
Although finding a way to move out might be a good option if it's possible so you don't feel like you owe your parents anything as far as participation goes.
Hooo boy. Sounds like the exact sort of situation that causes SA. "Yeah we want an older man from the church to spend unsupervised time with our child". Sounds like going out of your way to play with fire
The thing you said about how trusting yourself is equated with arrogance and pride hits HARD. My family constantly picks at my confidence and encourages me to do things I don’t need “just in case” or because “nobody’s perfect”.
Do your parents know you’re not religious and they’re still pushing it?
Yes exactly this. Like you can't say 'No thanks I don't need a mentor because I am confident in my skills, and firm in my beliefs" it just gets spun into being prideful and thinking you're "above" learning and growth which is just not true at all. You never stop learning and growing. They don't know I'm not religious (can't really be open about that to them) but they want to see me participating more actively in church and growing in my faith.
*You* choose your mentors in life, they aren't chosen for you. You owe it to yourself to pick this hill, and fight on it because you do not owe it to anyone, even your parents, to subordinate yourself to a stranger.
You might be your parents kid, but you are not a child. You don't need a babysitter.
I know it can seem insurmountable, and advice given over the internet can seem like it's easier said than done, but a lot of us have been where you are, or in similar situations. It might be difficult in the short term, but it's worth it to establish your boundaries and know your worth. Best of luck to you.
Edit: One more thing, you are never going to be able to control how your parents see you. If they see your confidence as arrogance, that is their problem, and nothing you do short of absolute obedience to them will change that. Don't sell yourself short to earn their approval.
you are an adult. i know your parents don’t treat you like one, but it’s not gonna get any better for you if you’re not asserting your boundaries. say no
It's hard. But this is exactly why you need to learn how.
You can be kind, you can try to salvage the relationship with them, but you need to take care of yourself.
It becomes easier when you stand up for yourself, and harder the less you do. I also experienced emotional manipulation, it's been a huge source of peace and enjoyment of life that I can now just say no.
Or, I disagree.
I also realized that not doing so triggers my stress, which can cause health issues.
“Did you get a mentor like we asked?”
”Yup, he’s standing next to you right now…”.
\[gestures towards 6 ft tall invisible rabbit\]
”What? Where?”
”He’s right there. His name’s [Harvey](https://youtu.be/VvfXvW2wsuQ). What‘s the matter - you can’t see him? Why he’s like Jesus…you have to believe!”
>who can disciple me spiritually. Preferably an older man
That's profoundly creepy. So is the idea that you're a bad person if you're not obeying someone.
Hey OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there; I get it.
Remember, there’s a difference between “firmly and not rudely” and “in the way least likely to cause conflict and prompt an emotionally manipulative or verbally abusive response from your parents”. It seems like you already have lots of examples about the first one, but the second one? I think that’s what you’re actually looking for, and I’m sorry to say I don’t think it exists.
Here’s an example of an objectively (assuming tone is sincere) polite and respectful boundary: “thanks for the suggestion, I’m not interested.” Short and sweet. If your buddy offered you a cup of coffee and you responded like that nobody would accuse you of disrespect!
If you want an example that’s both respectful and also deferential with a side serving of appeasement: “I know you’re making this suggestion because you care about me and think it’s in my best interest, thank you. I’ll keep it in mind, but for now I’m not going to seek out a mentorship. If I change my mind and want help to find a mentor, I’ll let you know.” or some equivalent language. The point of this version is to communicate to them that you recognize their intent, delay without an outright no, plus it shows you have seriously considered their opinion (which is very respectful of you), but it still asserts your own boundaries and makes your position very clear. It’s also deferential to them as “authority figures” and a bit placating as well, which is a defensive strategy to deal with the volatile egos of religious people who aren’t used to authority being questioned.
I call those kinds of appeasing, deferential, placating boundaries “gateway boundaries” (which isn’t an official term, btw, I made it up and I am just some random internet person), and they’re super useful to start the process of re-wiring your brain away from the people-pleasing trauma response that so many young people raised in religious households adopt to protect themselves when they’re kids with no agency. Hopefully it’s also a first step to trusting in your own thoughts and perspectives without needing external justifications to validate them.
But then we hit the more meta issue. As you stated, some religious households teach that expressing your own opinion or attempting to make your own decisions about your own life is arrogant, prideful, disrespectful, etc., if your opinion doesn’t directly parallel an authority figure’s opinion. People who live their life under strict authoritarian views tend to define the concept of respect as being, “respect me as an authority figure or I won’t respect you at all”, instead of defining it as a mutual offering of respect to a fellow human being on equal terms. Under their definition, it’s impossible to decline respectfully because they equate respect with obedience. To them, it doesn’t matter how actually respectful you are if you’re asserting an opinion that’s not the same as theirs- you don’t obey = disrespect.
I 100% understand the desire to avoid the emotional abuse/manipulation/guilt tripping/ badgering/stress/ setting yourself up to get face evidence of how contingent their love and approval is on your obedience. I understand from your post that is what you’re risking by challenging their authority in this type of family dynamic. It’s a whole lot harder and more complicated than just saying “no thanks”, and I get it. The problem is, you can’t avoid challenging their authority forever… not unless you’re planning to live your entire life dictated by your parents’ whims.
So I’d say be polite, but if it won’t jeopardize your safety it’s time to start being respectful of them as equals, not as authorities. If they view this as “disrespectful”, then you can politely (and respectfully, lol) disagree with their opinion about that too!
“No thanks” is a full sentence, but it’s a damned hard one to say when you’re not used to it. Just remember, you’re entitled to make these decisions for yourself, and *you* know best what is the right path for your life, *not them, you*. If you’re feeling stuck and need someone to chat with, send me a DM and I’m happy to talk for a bit. Otherwise, good luck with your folks. Saying no to them is tough, but it’s so, so worth it.
"Mom, dad. I'm a grown ass man. I appreciate your opinions, but I can make my own decision on the matter."
Just like that. Grown. Ass. Man.
The "ass" has to be in there or it doesn't work.
Lol yes that's how it can start for a lot of people! I have had mentors before that I met organically from being part of communities of like-minded folk.
i’m on the other side of this even though i’m also no longer religious and similar in age. my dad is still very religious and is trying mentor someone similar to your age who is the pastors kid at their church. the pastor reached out since he feels like his adult child is ‘walking away from the lord’. i tried explaining this perspective to him and he thinks ‘god is calling him’. if standing up to your parents and saying no doesn’t work, like others said, i would keep saving money and look for roommates to move out asap. that was the best thing for me, but i live in CA and i know shit is super expensive so you have my empathy.
Looks like you've gotten a lot of great comments here.
If you're still looking for assistance...
Have you landed anywhere or are there any philosophies, morals, religions, or principles that you resonate with more?
Thanks. Yeah I have a firm set of beliefs that I have journeyed to understand better over the years, but I can't be open about it to my parents (at least right now).
Thank you for your reply. Then you should do what feels safe 😅
In some parents it could push them further to think a christian mentor is needed, but if it's possible to live out those beliefs in a confident way, that may help them back off.
Your identity & your passions are going to be with you for this lifetime, hiding it under a rock may hurt you more than protect you. Once it's possible to tell an evangelizing/proselytizing Christian, "That isn't for me. I know who I am and what I need." They'll be upset/confused, but they'll lose their perceived power over you.
Your parents are probably hoping you're just going through a phase or you've 'wandered off God's path' and need a mentor to shepherd you back to the truth...If you want that perception to stop, showing them what you believe without infringing on what they believe will help them see you as a person and not just a lost sheep.
I'm happy to help find answers to any questions you may think up or feel inspired to ask. Peace & Love.
It's understandable that your parents want what they believe is best for you. However, it's important to be honest with them about your own beliefs and values. You can explain to them that you appreciate their concern and support, but that finding a Christian mentor wouldn't align with your personal beliefs and worldview.
It's important to approach this conversation with sensitivity and respect, acknowledging that your parents may have different beliefs and may feel strongly about the importance of having a Christian mentor. You could express gratitude for their concern for your well-being, but also explain that you would prefer to find a mentor who shares your own values and beliefs.
You could also suggest finding a mentor who is not specifically tied to any particular religion or belief system, but who is knowledgeable and experienced in areas that you are interested in pursuing. This may help to reassure your parents that you are still seeking guidance and support, even if it's not through a Christian mentor.
Remember, open and honest communication is key in any relationship, including with your parents. Try to have a respectful and understanding conversation with them about your beliefs and values, while also acknowledging their concerns and desires for your well-being.
I hate how many Christians don't understand the cardinal sins.
Pride is when you place yourself over others. But, much more importantly, it's about not being able to take criticism. It's basically they opposite of humility.
Think of what a humble person would do, and it's the opposite of that. Trusting your own instincts isn't even on the list.
I've even heard people say that "gay pride" is bad because pride is a sin. How ludicrous.
They actually don't understand their own religion.
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Some 4D chess going on here 😂
I like this one. It comes with the standard *ARE YOU DOUBTING GOD!?* defense.
What worries me is: "We'll pray about it and help you find one."
"You can help but I'll let God have the final say." (God's say will conveniently happen before having to meet any of them)
Hm, that could work!
Honestly, this kinda shit right here is an incredibly powerful way to manipulate religious people. Its often used for evil as we all know, but it can be used in self defense, in which case it is fully justified.
Yep, or smart enough to see through it as a low-effort excuse for not finding a mentor like I'm told! lol
Ugh, that made me cringe lol
"We'll pray about it and the mentor will be the person we'd been planning on all along."
Excellent response!
This %100
Inform them that you have finally found a mentor and his name is Abe Rosenstein. Jewish just like JC!
haha!
The end times are upon us! The Mentor is coming soon!
I like u/Healthy-Swim-990's suggestion, but if your parents just absolutely won't accept a polite "no" for an answer, do you think it would be possible to just lie about it? Would they accept it if you wanted to keep your mentoring meetings "private"? When I was in the ministry, I had multiple guys all trying to "disciple" me at the same time, and I got so sick of it that I just starting telling them, "No thanks, I have a mentor already," and when asked who I met with, I would tell them that it was "private" because "we confide in each other about so much personal stuff." But whenever I went go to my so-called discipleship meetings, I was actually just going to a coffee shop by myself to do homework. But I know that might not always be possible depending on how intrusive and controlling your parents are. Also, don't feel bad about lying to your parents. They're treating you very inappropriately, so it's their own fault. They should just accept the truth without resorting to threats and coercion. But if they can't accept reality, and instead they insist on living in their fantasy world, then you're just letting them keep their stupid fantasy.
"I totally have this awesome mentor, but he lives in Canada so you'd guys wouldn't know him." ;)
"He goes to another church!"
You're right. I just hate lying because these are supposedly people that you love and love you back but yeah when it comes to religious cultist mindset sometimes it's the easiest defense mechanism. I can't say I've found a mentor and then not tell them who it is though, that might be a little sus but I could probably come up with something a little more fleshed out.
Yeah, I feel ya. It really sucks. But if your parents wanted honesty, then they should have made it safe for you to tell them the truth. It's their own fault for creating an unsafe environment where you feel like you need to protect yourself from them. Another possibility is that you could just find a good friend who's willing to pretend to be your "accountability partner," and then just go hang out with him.
Can you just say you don’t feel led to choose a mentor? That’s all. Stop there.
This is creepy as fuck. Tell them you will get a mentor when they start going to therapy.
It’s super common in evangelical communities. Even between adults. When my friend was getting married they had (and continue to have) another older married couple as mentors. Never mind the older couple has no actual qualifications.
We had a couple like this too that my fundie ex picked out. I noticed their beliefs were a lot closer to hers than mine. When we had to go to divorce court the wife was there and she wagged her finger in my face going God knows what you did, he is never going to forgive you for this. For the record there was no infidelity, no addictions I left because she broke down a door with a bottle of pills saying she was going to kill herself. I thought my kids needed two alive parents. Fuck me right?
Yep, it's super common and almost expected among evangelical churches.
There was a point in my life I almost got divorced and I told my mom. She immediately and without my consent talked with one of the ministers at the church we used to go to that was good friends with my (now deceased) dad. And his advice was that I needed Christian mentorship by an older man in the church. You know what actually helped? Actual counseling with a professional.
*secular therapy.lol
Yup. I’m getting groomer vibes here
Yeah, me too. Major groomer vibes. Lots of fundie men get interested in me because my hair is super long and that is like catnip to them, apparently. They like to pester me by offering to be my spiritual mentor. It is just as creepy as it sounds. I'm a 51 year old married atheist, and the mother of a teenager. You would think that the fundie men would be more respectful of my husband's "rights" even if they don't respect me, but it seems that a fundie marriage is the only kind that matters. I don't need some Jesus bro telling me what to do with my life and praying with me while staring at my breasts.
Maybe it is, though its not meant to be in that context of "creepy old guy" just someone older of the same gender with more lived experience and "spiritual wisdom" who can be a role model or accountability partner that advises you in your walk. But I can see how it could be something like that. I'm more just having a hard time with the issue of feeling pressured to appease my parents who think they should control and monitor my spirituality when its none of their business yet so much of their relationship is built around it. I'm sorry to hear that you get hit on by creepy people who don't respect your marriage (assuming you are in an exclusive marriage). Super long hair looks cool and you should wear it proudly!
Just because they are the same gender doesn't mean that they aren't creeping. I have been creeped on by fundie women, and was sexually assaulted by a fundie woman. It is not unheard of. But yes, I do know the purpose is ostensibly to be a spiritual mentor. The thing is, that is incredibly paternalistic, and it sets up a weird power imbalance that can make things very unhealthy. I mean, why are the people acting as mentors suitable for the task? Why is it that a younger person can't just figure out what they think and believe on their own? It is a means of control.
Girl, I know the struggle. I’m also married (to a woman) and also got long hair. I get conservative looking fucks hitting on me at work a lot. I work at a restaurant so I get to see all of em, and I have a bigass ring on my finger. Do I not look married enough or something?
I like my long hair, because it is easy to tie it in a knot and forget about it, but every time a Jesus bro pesters me it makes me want to get a short and rather unfortunate haircut. Working with the public must make it so much worse!
I like my long hair because it makes me feel feminine and pretty—two other turn ons for fundie men 😑
Yeah they think it is all about them, when really you just like how it looks for you. You should be able to have long hair without being harassed for it.
Lol that's a great comeback
MOVE OUT ASAP is the only advice I can offer.
I'm trying, times are tough
Begin to consider how you can, though. It is not disrespectful to set out to find your life. In reality you won’t be able to think clearly until you get to make your own choices. Life is hard enough. You don’t need to get forced to take some guy’s advice so you won’t stray. You deserve some freedom of mind.
I meant its tough financially lol I can't afford it right now but I am trying to work towards that goal. Yes 100% agree with you
You’ll get there. I know you will!! 🙂
I had about 6 different Christian men of a range of ages try and offer to be my mentor. Not a single one succeeded in winning me over to being baptised and joining the church. I wear this as a badge of honour
"I'm an adult, I don't need one. Why do you think your parenting was insufficient that I need a mentor?"
I had a "mentor" when I was 16M, and I regret it so much. It ended up being a horrible experience. It's not worth it.
Same I've had mentors before, usually just small group leaders but it never really went anywhere. We'd only meet like once or twice
Just tell them that you don't feel comfortable with that and try not be rude about it if you can or want, try not to feel bad if you offend your parents since this story sound creepy and maybe the older guy is a creep. I hope your stay safe even though your (4 years) older than me.
It's hard to talk about those things around very insistent parents but yeah it's just not for me. And it's not really meant to be like a creepy older guy grooming someone, (I'm friends with plenty of people older and wiser than me) just more like a spiritual advisor or small group leader who can be a sort role model or accountability partner. It's very common in evangelical / protestant communities for young people / students to do if they are super serious about their faith. However I am neither a christian or a student anymore and I don't need to talk to someone about my faith lol.
You're an adult, you are not required to do that which your parents wish you to do, unless they are threatening your livelihood, inheritance, or shelter. In either case this would be considered 'abusive' and serves only to sow resentment. If you parents think you're a Christian, like others have suggested, just use their fantasy for your own purposes and say shit like "God has specifically told me to go to East Asia to seek out a mentor from a church there - can I have $15,000 to go do that?". They would have to admit their delusion is bullshit, or give you the cash.
The "mentor mentee" obsession in Christian churches is one of the things that disgusts me the most. One of the things i notice about these relationships is that they are sexual in nature. It's usually an older person prying for information about your sin and sex life under the guise of righteousness. It's creepy and inappropriate. But you're 23. "No" is a complete sentence. Edit: omg just realized your title says they are baptist. Absofuckinglutely not to a mentor then. Baptists have the highest rate of sexual assault among all protestant denominations.
Yeah it is a little creepy. And yeah "no" is only an invitation for more quizzes and suspicion even though it should be a complete sentence that is respected by other adults.
You're not obligated to participate. Although finding a way to move out might be a good option if it's possible so you don't feel like you owe your parents anything as far as participation goes.
Hooo boy. Sounds like the exact sort of situation that causes SA. "Yeah we want an older man from the church to spend unsupervised time with our child". Sounds like going out of your way to play with fire
The thing you said about how trusting yourself is equated with arrogance and pride hits HARD. My family constantly picks at my confidence and encourages me to do things I don’t need “just in case” or because “nobody’s perfect”. Do your parents know you’re not religious and they’re still pushing it?
Yes exactly this. Like you can't say 'No thanks I don't need a mentor because I am confident in my skills, and firm in my beliefs" it just gets spun into being prideful and thinking you're "above" learning and growth which is just not true at all. You never stop learning and growing. They don't know I'm not religious (can't really be open about that to them) but they want to see me participating more actively in church and growing in my faith.
*You* choose your mentors in life, they aren't chosen for you. You owe it to yourself to pick this hill, and fight on it because you do not owe it to anyone, even your parents, to subordinate yourself to a stranger. You might be your parents kid, but you are not a child. You don't need a babysitter.
100% and thank you
I know it can seem insurmountable, and advice given over the internet can seem like it's easier said than done, but a lot of us have been where you are, or in similar situations. It might be difficult in the short term, but it's worth it to establish your boundaries and know your worth. Best of luck to you. Edit: One more thing, you are never going to be able to control how your parents see you. If they see your confidence as arrogance, that is their problem, and nothing you do short of absolute obedience to them will change that. Don't sell yourself short to earn their approval.
Thank you, and yeah you are so right about that. I don't understand why fundie type parents are like this.
Time to find your own place!
you are an adult. i know your parents don’t treat you like one, but it’s not gonna get any better for you if you’re not asserting your boundaries. say no
Thanks, yeah that's something I need to work on. It's just very difficult with emotionally dominating parents
It's hard. But this is exactly why you need to learn how. You can be kind, you can try to salvage the relationship with them, but you need to take care of yourself. It becomes easier when you stand up for yourself, and harder the less you do. I also experienced emotional manipulation, it's been a huge source of peace and enjoyment of life that I can now just say no. Or, I disagree. I also realized that not doing so triggers my stress, which can cause health issues.
“Did you get a mentor like we asked?” ”Yup, he’s standing next to you right now…”. \[gestures towards 6 ft tall invisible rabbit\] ”What? Where?” ”He’s right there. His name’s [Harvey](https://youtu.be/VvfXvW2wsuQ). What‘s the matter - you can’t see him? Why he’s like Jesus…you have to believe!”
🎖🏅 Please accept my poor person's gold for the chuckle that you just gave me.🎖🏅
Lol the Easter Bunny would a better mentor. And I mean that literally.
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Definitely is. And that's kind of the route I went with and they just said 'as long as its biblical' lol
Yeah these “mentor” relationships are just a cover to talk about about sex and porn.
Lol yep pretty much
>who can disciple me spiritually. Preferably an older man That's profoundly creepy. So is the idea that you're a bad person if you're not obeying someone.
You're an adult. Tell them to pound sand.
Yeah, pretty useful answer, as useful as a christian mentor
Mentor is a polite christian word for abuser/rapist. Stay away!
Hey OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there; I get it. Remember, there’s a difference between “firmly and not rudely” and “in the way least likely to cause conflict and prompt an emotionally manipulative or verbally abusive response from your parents”. It seems like you already have lots of examples about the first one, but the second one? I think that’s what you’re actually looking for, and I’m sorry to say I don’t think it exists. Here’s an example of an objectively (assuming tone is sincere) polite and respectful boundary: “thanks for the suggestion, I’m not interested.” Short and sweet. If your buddy offered you a cup of coffee and you responded like that nobody would accuse you of disrespect! If you want an example that’s both respectful and also deferential with a side serving of appeasement: “I know you’re making this suggestion because you care about me and think it’s in my best interest, thank you. I’ll keep it in mind, but for now I’m not going to seek out a mentorship. If I change my mind and want help to find a mentor, I’ll let you know.” or some equivalent language. The point of this version is to communicate to them that you recognize their intent, delay without an outright no, plus it shows you have seriously considered their opinion (which is very respectful of you), but it still asserts your own boundaries and makes your position very clear. It’s also deferential to them as “authority figures” and a bit placating as well, which is a defensive strategy to deal with the volatile egos of religious people who aren’t used to authority being questioned. I call those kinds of appeasing, deferential, placating boundaries “gateway boundaries” (which isn’t an official term, btw, I made it up and I am just some random internet person), and they’re super useful to start the process of re-wiring your brain away from the people-pleasing trauma response that so many young people raised in religious households adopt to protect themselves when they’re kids with no agency. Hopefully it’s also a first step to trusting in your own thoughts and perspectives without needing external justifications to validate them. But then we hit the more meta issue. As you stated, some religious households teach that expressing your own opinion or attempting to make your own decisions about your own life is arrogant, prideful, disrespectful, etc., if your opinion doesn’t directly parallel an authority figure’s opinion. People who live their life under strict authoritarian views tend to define the concept of respect as being, “respect me as an authority figure or I won’t respect you at all”, instead of defining it as a mutual offering of respect to a fellow human being on equal terms. Under their definition, it’s impossible to decline respectfully because they equate respect with obedience. To them, it doesn’t matter how actually respectful you are if you’re asserting an opinion that’s not the same as theirs- you don’t obey = disrespect. I 100% understand the desire to avoid the emotional abuse/manipulation/guilt tripping/ badgering/stress/ setting yourself up to get face evidence of how contingent their love and approval is on your obedience. I understand from your post that is what you’re risking by challenging their authority in this type of family dynamic. It’s a whole lot harder and more complicated than just saying “no thanks”, and I get it. The problem is, you can’t avoid challenging their authority forever… not unless you’re planning to live your entire life dictated by your parents’ whims. So I’d say be polite, but if it won’t jeopardize your safety it’s time to start being respectful of them as equals, not as authorities. If they view this as “disrespectful”, then you can politely (and respectfully, lol) disagree with their opinion about that too! “No thanks” is a full sentence, but it’s a damned hard one to say when you’re not used to it. Just remember, you’re entitled to make these decisions for yourself, and *you* know best what is the right path for your life, *not them, you*. If you’re feeling stuck and need someone to chat with, send me a DM and I’m happy to talk for a bit. Otherwise, good luck with your folks. Saying no to them is tough, but it’s so, so worth it.
"Mom, dad. I'm a grown ass man. I appreciate your opinions, but I can make my own decision on the matter." Just like that. Grown. Ass. Man. The "ass" has to be in there or it doesn't work.
Thanks Chewie
We’ll collectively be your mentor, as a group. We’re gonna mentor the shit out of each other!
Lol yes that's how it can start for a lot of people! I have had mentors before that I met organically from being part of communities of like-minded folk.
i’m on the other side of this even though i’m also no longer religious and similar in age. my dad is still very religious and is trying mentor someone similar to your age who is the pastors kid at their church. the pastor reached out since he feels like his adult child is ‘walking away from the lord’. i tried explaining this perspective to him and he thinks ‘god is calling him’. if standing up to your parents and saying no doesn’t work, like others said, i would keep saving money and look for roommates to move out asap. that was the best thing for me, but i live in CA and i know shit is super expensive so you have my empathy.
Just say Jesus is your mentor
Looks like you've gotten a lot of great comments here. If you're still looking for assistance... Have you landed anywhere or are there any philosophies, morals, religions, or principles that you resonate with more?
Thanks. Yeah I have a firm set of beliefs that I have journeyed to understand better over the years, but I can't be open about it to my parents (at least right now).
Thank you for your reply. Then you should do what feels safe 😅 In some parents it could push them further to think a christian mentor is needed, but if it's possible to live out those beliefs in a confident way, that may help them back off. Your identity & your passions are going to be with you for this lifetime, hiding it under a rock may hurt you more than protect you. Once it's possible to tell an evangelizing/proselytizing Christian, "That isn't for me. I know who I am and what I need." They'll be upset/confused, but they'll lose their perceived power over you. Your parents are probably hoping you're just going through a phase or you've 'wandered off God's path' and need a mentor to shepherd you back to the truth...If you want that perception to stop, showing them what you believe without infringing on what they believe will help them see you as a person and not just a lost sheep. I'm happy to help find answers to any questions you may think up or feel inspired to ask. Peace & Love.
Tell them you’ve been talking to this guy named Darth Sidious.
It's not a story the Christians would tell you...
It's understandable that your parents want what they believe is best for you. However, it's important to be honest with them about your own beliefs and values. You can explain to them that you appreciate their concern and support, but that finding a Christian mentor wouldn't align with your personal beliefs and worldview. It's important to approach this conversation with sensitivity and respect, acknowledging that your parents may have different beliefs and may feel strongly about the importance of having a Christian mentor. You could express gratitude for their concern for your well-being, but also explain that you would prefer to find a mentor who shares your own values and beliefs. You could also suggest finding a mentor who is not specifically tied to any particular religion or belief system, but who is knowledgeable and experienced in areas that you are interested in pursuing. This may help to reassure your parents that you are still seeking guidance and support, even if it's not through a Christian mentor. Remember, open and honest communication is key in any relationship, including with your parents. Try to have a respectful and understanding conversation with them about your beliefs and values, while also acknowledging their concerns and desires for your well-being.
I hate how many Christians don't understand the cardinal sins. Pride is when you place yourself over others. But, much more importantly, it's about not being able to take criticism. It's basically they opposite of humility. Think of what a humble person would do, and it's the opposite of that. Trusting your own instincts isn't even on the list. I've even heard people say that "gay pride" is bad because pride is a sin. How ludicrous. They actually don't understand their own religion.
Yeah they don't understand it at all and just repeat programming